I Want To Stop Having Sex With My Boyfriend Until We Get Married.

Hi. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. I waited until I was officially his girlfriend (2 months) before we had sex. It’s been amazing, but this New Year I want to get closer to God and stop having sex until we get married. It seems like he can’t sacrifice sex for the man above or for me, and when I talk to him about it he tries to ignore the subject.He agreed to not have sex, but I feel like he’s just saying it to say it. Should this be a big concern? Or am I taking it too far since we’ve already been sexual for the past 10 months?

Thanks! Yasmin

Dear Yasmin, I’m sorry, sweetie, but you really wrote to the wrong guy. I’m pro-sex, pro-logic, and pro-consistency, and your letter fails all three tests. I can understand a woman who sleeps with a man too quickly, like, date 1 or 2 – pulling back to say, “Hey, we should get to know each other a little better first before we embark on a sexual relationship.” The guy may grumble a bit at moving “backwards,” but, if he likes her, he’ll be pleased to wait a few weeks until she trusts him enough to resume the physical part of their relationship. You, on the other hand, were patient enough to wait two months to sleep with your guy. Good for you, really! – for showing restraint and seeing what he was made of as a man. As a result of your patience, you’ve been rewarded with an amazing boyfriend, and, not incidentally, 10 months of good sex.

And, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t God all-forgiving? I’m sorry. I really tuned out during Hebrew school.

Then, suddenly, you had a New Years Revelation (stronger than resolutions, I hear), which told you that in order to “get closer to God,” you should stop having sex. Got it. Now, forgive my ignorance of religion, but I’ve got a handful of questions: What does “closer to God” mean? What happens to all the unfortunate God-fearing women who have been having pre-marital sex without changing their minds? Are they screwed? Are they all going to hell? Or will they just not be as “close” with God as you are? And, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t God all-forgiving? I’m sorry. I really tuned out during Hebrew school.Oh, there’s one more thing that begs a question: what about your boyfriend’s feelings? It would be like you driving your parents’ car for a year when you were 16, and then, when you turned 17, hearing from Dad that you were losing your driving privileges. Why? Because Dad read a statistic that girls under 18 get into a higher percentage of car accidents. Does he have a point? Maybe. But that wouldn’t make you feel any better. In fact, having your privileges taken away will probably make you feel much worse than if you hadn’t been driving that whole year at all. You’d understandably be resentful of your Dad, even though you know he was doing it for the right reasons.

And if you cut off your boyfriend from having sex after 10 months, don’t be too surprised if he cuts you off in return.

No matter how I slice it, I see your predicament as an arbitrary, self-imposed one, based on a lack of understanding of both religion and human nature. And if you cut off your boyfriend from having sex after 10 months, don’t be too surprised if he cuts you off in return. Not because he’s a selfish jerk. But because he has a girlfriend whose actions and needs are not properly aligned with his own. Finally, I’m sincerely sorry if I misinterpreted the doctrine of your religion. If you, or anyone reading this, wants a more religious take on the Church’s position on pre-marital sex, consult your clergy. But since you asked a dating coach a sex question, you got my irreverant take on it. Hope it gives you some clarity.

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Comments:

  1. 91
    sayanta

    I just realized in response to Sharia v. Karl, I love my girlfriends but there’s no way in hell I’d date any of them if I were a dude. Yikes!

  2. 92
    Karl R

    JuJu,
    I’m under no illusions that Sharia or Donna will change their minds based on what I say. However, my opinions have often been influenced by well thought out posts (A-L, Selena, etc.), even when they have been responding to unreasonable people.

    sayanta,
    I’ve never been driven enough to go through the hell required to earn a J.D., or the hell usually endured by associates at law firms.

    But I work for a group of consultants who are hired by lawyers to assist them with cases. The job makes good use of my abilities, and my bosses aren’t concerned about my lack of a degree.

  3. 93
    adrian

    Well this is my first time ever reading this blog and this would be the first posting that I read.

    To begin, I am a male and have been in a committed relationship with my gf for 1yr and a half years. Surprisingly we have not engaged in intercourse to this day. Before entering out relationship I told her that I would not be having sex until I get married, even after several years of pre-marital sex.many wonder why I all ofa sudden stopped having sex at the ripe age of 24, and it was to have a better relationship with God and the person I dated. In the past I have found that having sex can change the dynamic of the relatioship. Personally, I would only be interested in the relationship for sex. This became the only focus and nothing good came of the relationship. Not to mention, I never really got to know the person I was sleeping with. Now that I have turned this new leaf my relationship with God and my girlfriend has been excellent?

    @ yasmin – if you want to have a better relationship with God, continue to put him first. If your bf cannot respect this, why would you continue to date someone who did not share your core values? And NO! You do not owe him anything. If you follow the bible it says to “owe no man anything but to love him”. And love does not necessarily mean sex. IMO if you have relationship advice you should also go to the Lord in prayer, ask for guidance, and seek wise counsel. Hope this helps. Let’s see if it gets posted.(My apologies for any typos, I’m writing from my blackberry)

  4. 94
    jason

    My girlfriend just pulled this one on me as well. We waited about 2 months before having sex and have been dating 16 months. We started talking marriage 2 months ago and now she says no sex until marriage. which marriage wont come until 2012 as we have decided.
    My stance is 2 years no sex… im 25, what am I supposed to do?? besides cheat on her because that is clearly the only option she leaves for me. Thats to satisfy the urge but also the mental anguish of being shun like this for an old monotheistic religion.
    I love her and hope something happens, because right now its probably gonna break us up within a month. I am at 2 weeks with no sex and now i dont want to even touch her or kiss her. resent the thought really.
    btw… I used to rub this girls feet every night, cuddle with her, hold her, and more and not expect to have sex.
    it just seems like the thought of not being able to has laced a lot of resentment in my heart about her and her religion.

    1. 94.1
      starthrower68

      If you are resentful of her and her faith, you both might be better served to end things and move on to partners who share your values.

  5. 95
    TrulyConfused

    I’m kinda in the same boat, except, I’m a woman and my boyfriend just decided to be celebate after being together and having sex for a year. I’ve always thought of sex as an important part of a relationship. It’s one of the ways we connect. He just made this decision without even consulting me and basically just gave me a choice to take it or leave it. He said he understood how difficult it would be but that this was important to him so he was willing to risk our relationship. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him so I told him i would try but I don’t know how to do this.

    I feel like sex is important in a relationship and he knows that. We have very different religious beliefs but that has never been a problem before. I respect his beliefs and he respects mine. But how am I supposed to put my feelings aside, my frustrations aside, because he made a decision for the both of us? I don’t want to resent him but after a year of having good sex, it’s not fair to stop without even talking to me about it. How can someone make a decision that affects a couple without discussing it first?

  6. 96
    Moeen

    Just thought I'd give my two cents here. I think a lot of people are making false equivalences here. Just to cite Karl R above as an example: he says @ Karl R #58 (http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/i-want-to-stop-having-sex-with-my-boyfriend-until-we-get-married/2/#comment-59428)

    “Yasmin said: (original post)
    It seems like he can’t sacrifice sex for the man above or for me,

    What is the difference between a romance and a platonic friendship?

    If you were to take my best romantic relationships and remove all the physical intimacy from them, they would look nearly identical to my closest friendships. Doing so would be the equivalent of, Let’s just be friends. How would you expect someone to react to that?”

    Sex and physical intimacy aren't one and the same (sex is a form of physical intimacy, a high form, but simply that). Couples can spend time cuddling, for example. And you certainly wouldn't “just be friends” in that case.

    Karl compares having sex to having a conversation by making the following point @ Karl R #86 (http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/i-want-to-stop-having-sex-with-my-boyfriend-until-we-get-married/2/#comment-60732):
    If a woman leaves an intimate relationship because the man does not want to converse one day, on consecutive days, for a stretch of time then her primary interest is in conversation and not in the intimacy with the man.

    See how ridiculous that sounds when I switch the statement to another form of intimacy? It sounds equally ridiculous to me when you suggest that anyone would accept a major reduction in the physical intimacy in a relationship if he was truly interested in intimacy with the woman.

    Yes, it is ridiculous, but because its a false equivalence. You cant have a relationship, platonic or otherwise, without having a conversation (if you can I'd be _really_ interested to know how). You can have a relationship without sex.

    And I think this is really my point, sex should not be equated with the relationship, which is what a lot of people here are doing. Sex is not a need, it's a want. Its not the whole relationship, it's a part of it which both parties should be willing to negotiate (and hopefully do). You might find it very important, but again, those are your feelings.

    In the case of Yasmin, the issue is how she negotiated (or didn't) changing the terms of this aspect of the relationship, and you can make very valid arguments that she didn't do it right, but dont turn the argument into romance=sex

    And I do agree with some posters here that Karl would make an excellent lawyer.

  7. 97
    Karl R

    Moeen said: (#96)
    “Sex is not a need, it’s a want.”

    There are monastaries filled with monks who have taken vows of silence. Conversation isn't a need either.

    “You cant have a relationship, platonic or otherwise, without having a conversation (if you can I’d be _really_ interested to know how).”

    Do you really believe that these monks, after spending years living in community together, have not formed relationships with each other?

    Heck, people form relationships with their pets. And if there are any conversations within those relationships, they're decidedly one-sided.

    “Couples can spend time cuddling, for example. And you certainly wouldn’t 'just be friends' in that case.”

    Some people (including me) cuddle with some of their platonic friends. If I get to first base, I would say that I've gone beyond the “platonic friends” level. But there's a lot of physical contact that can occur before that point. (And if you want to bring pets back into the discussion, most people cuddle with their pets … without becoming romanticly involved.)

    I agree that sex is not the same as a relationship. It's possible to have sex without having a relationship. But as you said, it's a part of the relationship. And if you eliminate one part of a relationship, that will probably affect the rest of the relationship as well.

  8. 98
    Moeen

    Karl R above said:

    “There are monastaries filled with monks who have taken vows of silence. Conversation isn\\\\\\\\\\\\ t a need either.

    Do you really believe that these monks, after spending years living in community together, have not formed relationships with each other?”

    Conversation isn't a need for life, but to relationship it is. I've never heard of silent monks having relationships with each other. Perhaps it's possible; you'd have to ask them (though I guess if they're silent they can't tell you). That's a pretty extreme example though; most people aren't silent monks.

    “Heck, people form relationships with their pets. And if there are any conversations within those relationships, they\\\\\\\\\\\\ re decidedly one-sided.

    (And if you want to bring pets back into the discussion, most people cuddle with their pets without becoming romanticly involved.)”

    Again, false equivalence: if you say something to a person, they can respond, if you say something to an animal, they almost certainly can't (at least not in any substantial way). There's just no comparison.

    “Some people (including me) cuddle with some of their platonic friends. If I get to first base, I would say that I\\\\\\\\\\\\ ve gone beyond the \\\\\\\\\\\\ platonic friends\\\\\\\\\\\\ level. But there\\\\\\\\\\\\ s a lot of physical contact that can occur before that point.”

    I certainly would not cuddle with a friend the way I would with a girlfriend (maybe you would). Really, the next time you see a couple cuddling closely in a park, tell them that what they're doing is no different from what you'd do in a platonic relationship and see how they respond.

    “I agree that sex is not the same as a relationship. It\\\\\\\\\\\\ s possible to have sex without having a relationship. But as you said, it\\\\\\\\\\\\ s a part of the relationship. And if you eliminate one part of a relationship, that will probably affect the rest of the relationship as well.”

    Well, at this point I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. I think you can have a perfectly healthy romance without sex. Of course, if you want to have a family and all that, then at that point sure, but if you're just getting to know if someone's a good fit for you, I don't believe so, and I know of plenty of couples that didn't engage in pre-marital sex and are doing fine. I think this point is really just a matter of personal opinion.

  9. 99
    Missy

    I, like #82 (Lisa), am a Christian, and I am wholeheartedly committed to living my life the way that the Bible instructs.  I also think about sex like #21 (Paul).  With that, for me, premarital sex, or the requirement of it in a relationship, is a deal-breaker for me.  But like most people here have stated, I make that perfectly clear from the jump, so that way, if he doesn't agree with that, then we can both move on and find what we're both looking for.  Like #93 (adrian), before I became a practicing Christian, I did engage in premarital sex, and never found the closeness and intimacy that I craved.  So yes, it is completely possible for one who practices premarital sex to have a change of heart.  But for me, my change of heart with that also came with a change of heart to lots of other things.  From Yasmin's question, it seems like she just wants to practice celebacy (i.e. "For the new year, I want to get 'closer to God'"…).  Now THAT seems a little illogical to impose once you've been having sex for, as she said, 10 months.  So I wholeheartedly agree with #49 (starthrower68) that it is IMPERATIVE to find someone with whom you share the same values…that will prevent situations like this.  This just sounds like a textbook case of her not doing her relationship homework before she went too far.

  10. 100
    Danielle

    I think Evan's advice is really good, his response is far less about sex and far more about communication and consistency.  I think after ten months of having sex Yasmin's boyfriend would have the right to be at the very least , surprised by her change of heart.  Just as she has the right to decide she doesn't want to have sex anymore, he has the right to decide the relationship isn't working for him either.
    I think the unknown boyfriend deserves credit, he has agreed to not have sex with her.  However, now Yasmin doesn't like that he seems to just be saying it.  I don't know any many or woman who after ten months of amazing sex would be excited about no sex.  But I think the fact that the guy has said he won't is a major plus.  If he has followed through on his word and his backed this up with his actions, then Yasmin has what she wanted.  A no sex relationship with her current boyfriend who is accepting her decision.

  11. 101
    Nyghtfalls

    Umm, I'm with Evan on this one. I have to say it irks me to see so many essentialized statements on this forum, as though guys are the only beings hardwired to think that sex is important in a relationship. I'm a female and if my male partner ever said to me that we could no longer have sex because he wants to be closer to God, I would simply reply, "Well, I like to be closer to some d*ck, so I guess I'll see you on the flip side." Cruel, perhaps, but very true. I think someone else here said it best: "this is a typical bait and switch". And it's not about respecting one's religions or choices. I'm sure the boyfriend respects the letter writer's choices just fine… he just doesn't see this fitting in with HIS lifestyle. And he has a right to feel that way. This issue is not about religion or one's right to do with her body as she will. This is about the importance of two people being compatible enough to carry on a relationship. If sex is important to one but not to the other, I think it's best to part ways so that both parties can find partners who share their values. Otherwise, one will always be unhappy… a recipe for disaster.

  12. 102
    Jules K

    I just broke up with my boyfriend of a year and half because of my lust. Anytime things went sour I would cheat and he would sex text girls. To most cheating means that you do not love, but we love each other and well during those bad times we loved ourselves too much to be ready for one another. Before we broke up I was ready to be just his, but it was too late, the trust had been broken. We have been broken up for months and I have not so much as kissed another. He has, but that is normal. I have made the choice to keep this up and if ever with him engage in soft petting nothing involving my below privates nor oral. I pray that I will be with him, and want to be sure with myself that is not for lust once again. I believe we all have different ways at going about life and love. There is no right way. If someone feels best in their soul acting in accordance to the scripture after defying it for so long that is great. God will always forgive you if you truly whole heartedly are giving yourself to him.

  13. 103
    Karen

    Yasmin, you do not owe this man your body. It is yours to decide how it's used. You have every right to decide not to have sex anymore. There is no "changing rules in the middle of the game." This is not a game. You are the  one who is responsible for your actions and your accountability to God. If you want to stop having premarital sex, than I applaud you. It's your RIGHT.  If your boyfriend cannot respect that, then leave him. Seriously. It will only hurt for a short while, but you will feel so much better in the end.

  14. 104
    JuJu

    Not to be offensive, but I really can’t help but wonder, why do the seriously religious people read this blog? To monitor what’s happening in the secular world or something? I mean, I can’t imagine it actually being applicable to their situation(s).

  15. 105
    Karl R

    JuJu, (#104)
    Most of the advice is relevant to “seriously religious people”, just like most of Evan’s advice is relevant to men, even when Evan is addressing a woman’s question.

    Occasionally, however, there’s going to be a conflict between Evan’s recommendation and what they believe is morally “right”.

  16. 106
    Shaza

    what she means by closer to god evan is she is buliding a relationship with GOD. Having a relationship with him requires faith( believing in the unseen). for her to continue her path with god she will feel the need to clean up her life so to speak, so that god can have more influence in her life.
    this is exactly what i am deliberating on. in order for me to feel absolutley free to give myself to my boyfriend with no shame no guilt, actually making real love not sex, i need to include god in this as he was the originator of this covenant between man and woman. with his inclusion in marriage, it is blessed and guilt and shame can no longer hold invisible but evident power of any of them..in this context. so she is free to really be. and the only way after that  is up. not down. if god is allowed to be the cornerstone of her faith then he will lead her to the right path. if she loses her boyfriend then at least she will not lose too much heart and self destruct, as she has faith taht as long as she is walking with god and allowing him to be her director, she will be able to resist the darkness…by darkness i mean self pity, depression, abuse of substances etc. because those things are very powerful and alot of ppl seem to just put up with  things and remaiin in COMBAT MODE rather than actually LIVING.  God is the creator of life, Satan is the destroyer. Remember that.  He does exist and wants us all to please ourselves to the detriment of ourselves so tht we do self destruct. He does not want us to feely real joy and intimacy in our relationships. God does. He makes sex holy in marriage.

  17. 107
    amanda

    Man….my boyfriend and I are both Christians. We’ve been together for 6 months and he suddenly decided to live a better life. No more sex, cussing, or drinking. It was very hard at first but it’s not so bad now. However I gave him an inch and of course when you give an inch they want a mile. Now I’m suppose to develop the same exact beliefs as him. I’m a Christian as much as he is and its been very hard for me. Sometimes people just have a different idea of whats right and wrong. If he doesn’t like it then he should leave because he will never respect her views. If he loves her he will stay. Either way if shes trying to be closer to God then her man comes 2nd. If he causes too much temptation and disrespects that then she is better off with out him. It doesn’t matter what the religion is. If you are serious about getting closer to God you shouldn’t worry about the people in life that will try to prevent that or put you down for it. Just let em go. They should be happy that you are trying to be a better person for you. It might be wrong and hard to change the way you interact with your loved one but you always have to look out for yourself first. Look out for what makes you feel right. Its no different from people that believe that sex is important in the relationship. Just do you.

  18. 108
    Sandy

    All I can say is that I applaud you for your new found conviction. I was in the same situation, I was raised believing that sex before marriage is wrong but anyway and after I while I just found that the guilt and shame I felt after the act seemed to completely overshadow the enjoyment. I knew I was sinning and that I had to stop.

    My boyfriend at the time accepted my decision but I found that as I was truly finding God and being extremely serious about it, I began to change. I could no longer live the lifestyle I had before because I knew how much it grieved my Lord. I found that the strangest thing began to happen, my boyfriend and I started drifting apart and we became two entirely different people. Whereas before I was addicted to music and partying, my new passion was sharing my growing and exciting relationship with God. He of course could not understand me and although he professed to be a Christian he find my conversation and new interests utterly boring. My feelings for him also completely disappeared as we really had nothing in common anymore.

    Do not repress these feelings. There is NOTHING more important than being close to God and living in a way that pleases Him. If you really read the Bible, you will see how much God hates sexual sin, in fact God even mentions that  that those that practice it will not see eternal life.

    Matthew 8:21 Not everyone who says to me,’Lord Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is heaven.”

     So do whatever you must to be close to God and give your boyfriend over to Him. If it does not work out with this guy, God could have someone even better waiting for you, someone who wants to get as close to God just as much as you do.

    God Bless!!

    1. 108.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      …and the victor for saying “God” the most times in a single comment is…Sandy! Congratulations! Listen, I have no problem with faith (my wife is Catholic and a believer). I do, however, have a problem with people who cherry-pick certain parts of the Bible to take literally…while ignoring others. God will keep you out of heaven for having sex, but will welcome you with open arms if you keep slaves or stone someone to death. I think I got it now.

      Signed,

      The guy who is apparently not entering the kingdom of heaven

      1. 108.1.1
        starthrower68

        Evan, while you are not a believer and I am, on this point we can agree.  You can’t pick and choose with the Bible.   And while we might not agree on the timing of when sex should happen, I think one thing we can agree on is that it is a gift which is meant to be enjoyed.  We may not agree on what context that should be in, but I don’t think we always have to put the focus on what we disagree on, but find where we do :)

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          I think people should have sex when they can handle all of the consequences of it. If a woman needs commitment/exclusivity, that will eliminate some guys. If a woman needs MARRIAGE, it will eliminate almost all of them. I don’t judge anyone. I only offer practical advice who find that their beliefs/actions are not producing the desired results.

  19. 109
    Lily

    “If we have been talking to God, why doesn’t God say the same thing to everyone? Why isn’t everybody getting the same message? Everybody isn’t asking the same question. Everybody is not at the same point of understanding. Everybody is not even wanting the same thing. We are all about eternalness which means we are about difference. It is in our difference that desires of all kinds come forth, and as all of these new desires pop up, every one of them, even in their difference, is important.” Straight from the mouth of God.

    So Evan is right. Besides I had a bf who did the same thing to me and it was fucking annoying.

  20. 110
    Clarina

    In the beginning of any relationship, if you are a so called Christian, the best thing to do is date a man that has the same religious belief as you so you both know that your beliefs involve no sex before marriage. It makes things so much better. If you begin to date a man that does not have the same religious belief and you decide to have sex with him, don’t expect that stopping the sex will make him marry you or make him convert to your belief. You know about God’s word anyway, so why have sex with him and you are not married to him. Sounds like to me you are try to worship God and man.

  21. 111
    Joe

    Evan said @ 109
    I do, however, have a problem with people who cherry-pick certain parts of the Bible to take literally…
     
    Evan , you got the point. Cherry-picking  is wrong  biblically and the bible clearly says “Don’t judge  unbelievers ; it is not Chritians’ job”. No humans  have capability to judge the situation/other humans 100% fair. Only God can do.
    Unfortunately many Christians haven’t read the whole bible
    AND don’t believe  all people when they claim  they  are a Christian. They  might or might not .
    (I know  because I labeled myself “Christian” for years even though I was just a church-goer.)
    We all are capable of giving  a lip service.
    So how can we tell? Jesus said you can tell good/bad  trees  by their fruits.
     
     
    Yes, as someone said before ,”sex before marriage” is a sin( like many other sins in the bible ) but it is not the centre of Chrisitanity.  PRIDE/arrogance is.
    Unfortunately many Christians are so busy to stay away from one sin but  fail to see the whole picture of Christianity. (  I am talking about myself ,too )
    I am very sorry for  all the arrogant , judgemental and CONFUSING  comments made by people who claim they are Christians.
     
     
    ps> .if you let me define “Christian”———–
    First,  It is derived from  the word “Christ” .
    Christians are people who accepted Jesus as their savior and have a relationship with Him
    BUT It doesn’t mean they are always succesful to follow Jesus’s teaching but they keep TRYING.
    Actually  Christians know that  we humans are all sinners by God’s standard and therefore can’t enter the kingdom of Heaven by just doing good things  by their own will.   So they  desperately cling to Jesus Christ ,realizing they are far from be perfect and   got no reason to be arrogant/proud.

    1. 111.1
      starthrower68

      Here here Joe!  Well said!  Christians least of all can afford to be arrogant and proud, as we will be judged more harshly in our sin for professing the faith and then being haughty.   I know it has to be hard for the OP to lose her boyfriend because of the choice she made.  Can I just say that sometimes, being a believer is pretty tough?  The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.  And on a human level, I can understand why the boyfriend might feel betrayed and like he had the tables turned on him.  There are no easy answers here.  It’s not a bed of roses.  It is just that we believe there are eternal consequences for what we do while we’re here.  But I certainly don’t hate or am not mad at anybody who has sex out of wedlock.   I can’t know what’s in their heart or their motivations when they make that decision.   

  22. 112
    Sara

    I can see everyone’s point of view including Evan’s. I give Evan props for keeping his cool and not feeling defensive to the replies above. However, yes, one does become closer to God if we follow his guidelines; if we agree that what he has planned for us is for our own good. Take time to research the word (AGREE). Consequently, we become closer because we share in conjunction the same beliefs. When blessings AKA (Positive consequences) start coming our way we feel good. Good things come our way because we follow his guidelines. And yes, even none believers may do good and still, good things come their way. When we follow any law given to us, we are automatically favored by it. Whether in our eyes the law is good or bad.
    Now: away from religion: What are positive consequences in having sex after marriage: together you come to an agreement of maturity to form a family. Sometimes a contract is necessary for some people to say they’ll stay for a while, lol. What are negative consequences for sex b4 marriage, (A) there is no agreement; therefore, no obligation is necessary, even if she is left pregnant or he was left with an incurable disease. Yes, is Divorce your mediate thought, right now? Completely agree, but let’s be real, “why are divorces so common, now a days?” perhaps because we practice premarital divorce with our boyfriends/ girlfriends by breaking up with them. Perhaps, because we are constantly playing house with someone we are not committed too. But this is a diffident subject.

    Now again, away from religion and back to Evan’s scientific point of view, what happens when we have sex? (A) We release hormones/chemicals that trigger the brain. When this occurs, the brain perceives emotion. What is emotion? (A) Emotion is a strong hormone that impacts your life. Some women may release more emotion that men. Our brain starts processing these emotions into thoughts and ideas. If these Ideas flourish in our mind, we feel our partner should desire what we desire. There’s a lot more that covers all of this, just do your research perhaps Evan’s scientific knowledge can add to this.

    Now: back to religion: As a believer, you should not only believe that sex b4 marriage is in essence a sin, you should believe in all of who God is. To believe and have faith in who God is, is to come in agreement with him.

    Now: away from religion: Sometimes as females we want commitment from our partner; this occurs most of the time after we have already processed our emotions, in other words had sex. We then hope, our male partner feels the same way, perhaps not now, but hopefully in future/sometime, lol. Psychologically speaking most women are taught to wait for the male to propose marriage. And once a female has reached a high level of emotional involvement, she is ready for commitment “marriage” but he may still not be. Further, God becomes the third party to stimulate the wedding plans, in other words we subconsciously use God as our hint to our partner for marriage.
     

  23. 113
    Evelyn

    No one really seems to have considered the fact that SEX always has a chance of PREGNANCY. 
    When they reached the 2 month mark, these two started having sex. They now know that they are sexually compatible, so (presumably) no further knowledge of each partner is required in this area. They know each other inside out, and can now accurately assess long-term potential.
    Since they now have all the information they need, there is no need to continue having sex (and risking pregnancy) until they make the decision to marry and start that family together.
    Her boyfriend now has a chance to think: is she the right girl for me? If she is, he will propose, they will marry, and sex will return. If she is not, he will leave her. If he is unsure, he can wait to decide: but he won’t be getting any.
    If she waited 2 more years for his decision, and kept having sex, there is a greater risk of eventual single parenthood. This way, she is giving him all the time he needs to decide, while also thinking responsibly of herself and possible offspring. 
    Also – if this is not the man she is going to marry (due to his lack of commitment), she may be having second thoughts about continuing a sexual relationship with him. It may seem unfaithful to the man she eventually will marry.

  24. 114
    luisa

    She can do whatever she wants because she is free. A woman or male can chose when or when not to have sex. If she does not feel comfortable having sex why does she have to do it? to please someone else? Just because you do something in the past, it does not mean that now you have to keep doing it.  

    She is not a slave and her boyfriend does not own her. For instance, let’s say I think for 2 months if I should join the mafia. After two months I join and kill2 people a month for a year. After that I want to get out because of God, because of my partner, or my son or because I just don’t fell like it any more. Off course, my boss won’t like it. He will say, wow, after a year, now you want to be good? I gave you two months to think about joining us. 
    I don’t get you guys. Anybody can change at any time. You can say bad words, lie, cheat… but if you want to change your mind you can always do it. Freedom is the base of relationships and love. No one can force you to do something you don’t want and women are not just sexual objects. If he wants to support her he can or cannot. That is his choice. She is being true to herself and she must love herself before she can love someone else.

  25. 115
    solange

    I can’t believe the attention this has stirred up!! Truly the OP’S name has been changed to protect HER but she is using his daughter’s name!!!! SMDAMNH…..

    I believe that when you make a decision such as this, you go into it together, not, “Oh baby, I decided I’m not having sex with you until we’re married”!!!!! Who’s to say he even wanted to be married to her??? Did SHE choose him, or did he choose her?? A person such as he, is a highly sexual being… “celibacy”, as he told me, is what came out of her mouth… So thanks, for blindsiding him…  I could say more, but I want him to read this hot mess.
     

  26. 116
    Chris

    Come on Evan that is not fair. I recently am a born again Christian myself, and in the past I would have said the exact things that you did. You are right people who disregard one part of God’s word to only further their argument really make Christians look like bad people. It says no where in the bible that one will be cast away from heaven for having pre-marital sex. If so I would be screwed. That is why I checked this link out, to see of a way for me and my girlfriend to stop. But please don’t criticize people for trying to be good Christians. No sin is to great to be forgiven, so if I keep having sex, I know God will forgive me, but does that make it right. Compare it to this, and please have an open mind. Imagine a 16 year old who’s parents do not allow him to drink, but he does anyways. When his parents find out, they don’t take him and cut him up with a knife and throw him in the fireplace. But their relationship becomes strained. Distance begins to form. That is what it is like when we sin. I do not at all fear being thrown into the fire. But despite what people think, I truly love God, more than anyone else. You probably find that weird, and I know why (As I said I used to be an atheist). But I want my relationship to be close with him, and sinning makes that hard. That is why I want to stop, not out of fear, but love. If you can’t understand that is ok, but that does not mean you should criticize.

  27. 117
    starthrower68

    @ chris 117, i too am born again but i wouldn’t get too offended at what evan says about it. remember, we can have god’s approval or the world’s approval but we cannot have both. ours is a heart and spirit condition which doesn’t makes sense to folks who don’t share our beliefs. doesn’t make evan a bad guy. i’m taking a bunny trail here, but jesus was hung on the cross for it. but back to the original intent of the discussion, there is always a price to live out our beliefs. 

  28. 118
    Karl R

    Chris said: (#117)
    “I truly love God, more than anyone else. […] But I want my relationship to be close with him, and sinning makes that hard. That is why I want to stop, not out of fear, but love.”

    Regardless of your motives, actions have consequences. And the consequence Evan is discussing is the to the relationship between Yasmin and her boyfriend (or you and your girlfriend). If you stop having sex with your girlfriend, it will put strain on your relationship. Distance may begin to form between you.

    In your efforts to become closer to God, you may lose your girlfriend.

    Chris said: (#117)
    “That is why I checked this link out, to see of a way for me and my girlfriend to stop.”

    If she also wants to stop, then it will put much less strain on your relationship. If only one of you wants to stop, then the chances of breaking up are much higher.

    This is about human nature, not religious beliefs.

  29. 119
    starthrower68

     @ karl 119, i do get where you are coming from and this is not an attempt to convince you otherwise but to explain where born-again types are coming from. for people who do not share our beliefs, it is a human nature. for those of us who are believers, it’s not a religious belief but part of living out our faith. as i said previously, there is a price to pay for that. non-believers think we’re wierd or old-fashioned because we don’t subscribe to the world’s way of doing things. god doesn’t hate sex nor is he up in heaven wringing his hands over people having pre-marital sex. its been happening since there were people. but there also emotional and spiritual consequences. do i believe anyone having pre-marital sex will be cast into hell? no. i think chris laid it out beautifully when he compared god to any loving parent who doesn’t want to see their child get hurt. i know there is very litte acceptance of such views in this day and age. chris may very well lose his girlfriend. i’ve lost out plenty of times. i accept it as the price i pay to be in obedience to god. i trust god to get me through the times of temptation if there are any. i may grow old alone, which i accept. i’m not expecting anyone else to pay that price with me.

  30. 120
    Karl R

    starthrower68 said: (#120)
    “this is not an attempt to convince you otherwise but to explain where born-again types are coming from.”

    With all due respect, my father was a Sunday-school teacher from before I was born until after I left home. (As a regular church attender, you can infer how much time I spent at church.) Since my father was also a college professor, he challenged us to think about what we believed. Since theology is (intrinsically) knowledge, I have pursued it with the same enthusiasm as any other knowledge. I’m certain my theological background dwarfs Chris’s, and it may be on par with yours.

    I am not a born-again Christian, but I comprehend where they come from.

    starthrower68 said: (#120)
    “for those of us who are believers, it’s not a religious belief but part of living out our faith.”

    Based on what Chris didn’t say, I have inferred that his girlfriend is not a born-again Christian. Her decision will not be a part of living out the faith of a believer. That was what I was trying to convey.

    Partly this is a timing issue. I didn’t see your post (#118) when I started writing mine. If I had, I wouldn’t have responded to Chris, since I thought you conveyed the essence of my message perfectly.

    If Chris chooses to follow that belief, there is a likely cost.

    As long as Chris understands and accepts that cost, I encourage him to act as he sees best. His girlfriend is unlikely to be happy about no sex if it has been a constant in their relationship. If she’s a non-believer, she’s even less likely to be receptive to heavy-handed conversion efforts.

    Furthermore, you’re not Chris. As we both know, there’s nothing like the fervor of the newly-converted. You have held your beliefs for years, if not decades. In comparison to Chris, you probably seem moderate.

    In addition, while I do not share your belief structure, I recognize that it’s a belief structure. I don’t oppose it just because it’s different than mine. Therefore, I have dated women who (devoutly) held beliefs far more conservative than mine. And as a human, I find it relatively easy to enter a relationship with the understanding that this woman does not believe in pre-marital sex. It is a vastly different situation to have the rules change in the middle of the game.

    It’s hard enough to accept someone as they are. It’s even harder to accept them when they’re no longer who they were.

    And that’s where Chris is at.

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