I’m Taking My Boyfriend to a Strip Club But I Hate That He Likes It.

As a woman going through some much desired transformation, I am taking my boyfriend to strip club to celebrate his b-day (because I know he likes ‘em). I would LOOOOVE to be the girl who doesn’t mind, but the images are stamped into my memories, and my heart hurts.

Please help me accept the human nature that is “men.”

Juliette

Dear Juliette,

Contrary to what many of our readers might think, you’re taking a very evolved stance and I want to congratulate you for it.

Relationships are about doing things for our partners that make THEM happy, not just doing what feels best for us. Holding the girlfriend’s purse when she’s shopping for perfume? That’s for her. Spending $350 on a meal because we’re hanging out with her wealthy friends? That’s for her, too. Calling her at the end of the night when I just want to go to sleep? That’s for her. It makes her happy, it makes her feel connected, and it keeps our bond strong, and that’s what I’ve got to do to make my relationship work. Believe me, I’m not complaining. I get a LOT out of my partnership and my girlfriend makes all sorts of sacrifices for me. I know it, I appreciate it, and I never fail to express how lucky I am.

You might be thinking, “Yeah, that’s all well and good, Evan. But holding your girlfriend’s bag in Bloomie’s is not a real sacrifice. Juliette is talking about ANOTHER WOMAN RUBBING HERSELF ON HER BOYFRIEND RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. How could you even compare the two?”

Oh, but I can. For one simple reason:

Neither of the two acts means anything. Now, I could CHOOSE to feel emasculated when I take my girlfriend shopping. I could CHOOSE to feel like a loser when I stay home on girls’ night out. I could CHOOSE to feel like the third wheel when my girlfriend is telling inside jokes to her best friend and I’m standing there like a bump on a log. But I don’t. Because it doesn’t MEAN anything about our relationship.

For the average guy who goes to a strip club once a year for a bachelor party, it’s just a meaningless diversion that combines all of a man’s greatest pleasures: booze, boobs, and his buddies.

And that’s what any woman who is threatened by a stripper has to get. Strip clubs don’t turn us on. They make us giggle.

Now, if you ever went out with some guy who blew his paycheck at Crazy Horse or left you for a woman named Sierra and her six inch heels, feel free to ignore my advice. But for the average guy who goes to a strip club once a year for a bachelor party, it’s just a meaningless diversion that combines all of a man’s greatest pleasures: booze, boobs, and his buddies. We get to gawk and point and laugh and drink and bond with our friends before reality sets in and we go home a few hundred dollars lighter….

Forbidding this behavior is very shortsighted and very dangerous. In fact, forbidding desire is almost always a losing proposition, as losing as forbidding drugs or alcohol or cigarettes or religion. So the real question becomes, not “how do I make my boyfriend stop liking other attractive naked women”, but “how do I channel this male lust into a form that is out in the open and condoned?” And I’ll tell ya, Juliette, taking him to a strip club is a pretty good way.

It shows him you’re not jealous. It shows him you’re not threatened. It shows him you’re in control of your emotions. It shows you’re interested in his pleasure, rather than in neutering him and making him pretend he doesn’t find other women attractive. I just don’t seem to see the downside here.

Ah, but there is one: it HURTS you. I get that, and I’m not just gonna suggest that if you snap your fingers, it’s going to go away. I think it’s a matter of bringing a certain awareness to the matter that can somewhat temper the pain you feel as you watch your boyfriend and his shit-eating grin. It’s a matter of knowing that anything you’re witnessing doesn’t mean he loves you less. It means he appreciates you more. I can’t overestimate how important this is. Which is why any form of jealousy is pretty much useless, all it does it create anger, tension, and resentment and remind your partner of one thing: I Don’t Trust You! Well, thanks, sweetie! I feel GREAT about our relationship now!

Any form of jealousy is pretty much useless, all it does it create anger, tension, and resentment and remind your partner of one thing: I Don’t Trust You!

As a guy who has never cheated, and hasn’t been to a strip club in years, I can tell you that if forbidding it is the worst thing you can do, allowing it is the best thing you can do. (Oh, and by the way, if it hurts so bad, you don’t have to bring him to the strip club. Just let him go once in awhile without drama.) And if, in the most unfathomable circumstances, he runs off with Sierra and her heels, well, you should probably consider yourself lucky to be rid of him.

In the meantime, you can make him realize how lucky he is to have you.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    JerseyGirl

    I completely agree with Markus’s first post and I don’t agree with Evan here. I find Evan’s advice very selfish and the purse comparison to be completely unbalanced. The natural instinct of sexuality and competition in women, and purposely putting your SO in a position where she is in competition with other women for her SO’s attention, compared to holding a purse is completely illogical. I have never seen a man holding a woman’s purse while she was shopping to the extent that I see men going to strip clubs despite having a woman that cares for him.

    Juliette, you don’t have to be cool with it or make yourself do something with your boyfriend that makes you feel awful. “Being cool” is only going to serve to shame you into doing something you don’t even want to do. Obviously sitting next to your boyfriend while his attention is on some breast implanted 20 year old stripper isn’t ideal, neither is it really “cool” on his part to even think that that is something that would be good for his girlfriend. The fact that a man would even want to put his girlfriend in that position speaks of something not quite right and disrespectful if you ask me.

    This is how I see it, the way men and women are turned on are completely different. Men in general are more turned on to look at pretty women. Women in general are more turned on to be looked at. That is why women are held to a standard of beauty that men just aren’t. That is also why a strip club with female dancers is more of an erotic experience then a strip club with male dancers. Female strip clubs is more true to the nature of how men are turned on. Hey, that’s fine if that is your thing. But they why do you even have a girlfriend if that is what you want? Sometimes it appears that men are more concerned with what they don’t have then who they really should be concerned about, the one girl that actually cares about him. And how does she get thanked? By her man going to a strip club.

    They are purposely putting themselves in a sexual environment with other women and expecting their girlfriends to be “cool” about it. Which isn’t even close to being logical or rational. The reason men love when women go to strip clubs with them because it is more true to the nature of a man’s sexuality, not hers. Of course men are going to encourage it and want it to happen because he gets the best of both worlds, more women to oggle, and his SO to have sex with after the experience. And what the woman gets is her SO’s divided attention and selfishness directed to other women.

    Male strippers are the ones that are a joke. I don’t know one woman that gets turned on by male strippers. I do know lots of men that do. No man is going to strip club and laughing in the same context that women go to male strip clubs and laugh.

    Now turn the situation around, lets say YOU were the stripper. Getting on stage and dancing around for other men almost naked. It turns women on to be admired by men, just as it turns men on to admire looking at women. But most men would hate the idea of his gf getting attention from other men to the same extent women dislike the idea of their man giving attention to other women.

    I find men often very hypocritical and illogical on this issue over all. THey want us women to be “cool” enough to go to strip clubs, because it is no threat to them and their masculinty to be in a environment where women are dancing naked for him, along where his girlfriend is sitting by his side ready to have sex with him after he gets turned on by these other women. Yet men would NEVER put themselves in a serious situation that put in him in direct competition with other men sexually for his SO’s attention.

    Gezzz, sometimes men make me sad and I wonder why the even have relationships with the stuff they want to put their girlfriends through just so they can check out new girls and treat their girlfriend with disrespect.

    1. 31.1
      Anna

      AMEN. I just made the same example in my post. I think it’s a hypothetical view that is hugely overlooked because it doesn’t fit societal norms of letting boys be boys and having their fun or else you’re a fun-sucking, prude.

  2. 32
    Simone

    I don’t completely understand what you’re saying, Steve — it sounds a little bit like NeuroLinguistic Programming (NLP), which is about using cognitive/behavioral techniques to rid oneself of negative associations. But I find it a stretch to believe that ANY negative feeling/experience can be so obliterated — and what about our higher selves? Just b/c taking part in an exhibitionistic fantasy thing is right for Juliette’s boyfriend doesn’t mean that it’s right for her, that her feelings just need a cognitive tweak. Maybe she would have the same end result — not feeling pain — if she found a partner who isn’t into sexual stuff she isn’t into and who is into the stuff she’s into — or if her boyfriend would choose not to partake b/c he realized that his behavior makes her feel bad. While I agree that we need to be able to rein ourselves in when we’re overreacting or reacting inappropriately–what about when our feelings ARE appropriate to the situation? I don’t think Juliette’s feelings are out of line here. I’d feel the same way in her situation. Or maybe I am not understanding your advice correctly?

  3. 33
    Mark

    I’m late on this discussion, but maybe somebody will find this helpful.

    I had an ex take me to a strip club. She enjoyed it and I enjoyed it. Because of that, we had the great, post-s-club sex. I’ve also had another ex take me to a strip club who wasn’t comfortable with it, and that was no fun at all. We both felt awkward…I couldn’t enjoy something I would normally have enjoyed much more with my buddies because I held the experience at arm’s length in deference to her discomfort. There was no difference in physical contact with strippers in the two cases, just in ease, enjoyment and sharing perspectives on the experience.

    If you don’t want to take him, don’t take him, just be understanding the one or two times a year he does go with his friends. Those are the times when he’ll really come home charged up because his experience is exactly what he thinks it should be: relaxed, frivolous fun that ultimately makes him think of you.

  4. 34
    JerseyGirl

    Mark,

    If an event such as putting yourself in a club with naked women, makes you think of your SO, then why don’t you just spend the evening with your SO instead? Nothing is going to make you think of your SO more then actually spending time with them, not other women.I think this has more to do with a man wanting to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to be able to pretend he is single at the club, enjo ythe other women, fantasize about them; then go home to the woman that actually is the one that cares about him to elevate himself from putting himself in a situation with other women to turn him on. Nothing about that is really for your partner. Will she get an orgasm out of the deal? Possibly. She will also get to be nothing more then an object for you to use after you spent the evening with other women. Why would a man want to treat his own partner like that? Do men really expect a woman to feel good and happy about this? No man would want his SO to go out with a bunch of other men, receive attention from them, touching or not to be turned on to having sex with him. Personally I just find it disrespectful that men try to play strip clubs off as something that is for *her* his partner so that *they* can have hotter sex. If you need other women before you can have hot sex with your own SO, that really sticks for women then doesn’t it.

    Personally, I think strip clubs make both men and women look bad. It’s men and women at their worst. Men don’t want to be used for their money and women don’t want to be used just for their looks, but that is exactly what happens in a strip club.

    If a man in is a relationship, he should be in a relationship. If he needs to go out with his friends he should. But he deson’t need to do it in a place that puts him in a sexual situation with other women. And anyone who says that a strip club isn’t sexual; is not playing with a full deck

  5. 35
    hunter

    To JerseyGirl,

    In this era of equality that we live in, where does that put women that participate in bachelorette parties? How about women that go to “male” strip clubs? Most men know, that, the thing to do, is meet women after the male strip show.

  6. 36
    JerseyGirl

    Hunter-
    Female strip clubs and male strip clubs are not the same thing. Most women are not turned on by male strip clubs like men are turned on by female strip clubs. It is the nature of who men and women are and how their sexuality can be different. Men on display, prettied-up and dancing/gyrating around is not how most women are turned on. It’s corny. Women are also not automatically turned on by a perfectly physically fit male. Women on display, prettied-up and dancing around, perfectly physically fit is exactly how men are turned on.

    I am not saying there aren’t women out there that don’t enjoy it and get turned on. I am sure there is. But the over-whelming majority of women, just aren’t. From what I know and have heard, most women if they go to a male strip club, do it as a lark and spend the evening laughing thinking how cheesy it all is.

    Most men that got to female strip clubs are not laughing. They are getting excited with all the naked women around them catering to their needs and then expect their girlfriends to welcome them home with open arms. What is up with that? Because it comes off really extremly selfish.

    There are way more female strip clubs then there are or will ever will be for male strip clubs. Just ask your male friends and then ask your female friends and find out who has visted their retrospecitve opposite sex strip clubs more often. I think you will discover that this is a much more male event. There is hardly ever the issue with women wanting to go out to engage with other naked men to the same extent that this question seems to come up with men.

    I also will go as far to say that men aren’t threated by women going to male strip clubs because they know deep down this is not what turns women on and gets to them.

    Now if a guy’s woman wanted to be the one stripping; just stripping and no rubbing on the patrons, then I don’t know one guy that wouldn’t say “heck no”. But quite simply, men are more turned on by watching, women are more turned on by being watched. If you want to make an equal situation that is more comparable, then we could say a man going to a strip club to watch other women is the same as a woman going to a strip club to be watched by other men.

  7. 37
    hunter

    to Jerseygirl,

    I agree with you, a mans biggest sex organ are his eyes.

    I have heard women say, “Why would I go to a female strip club, when I can see that every time I look in the mirror?

    There is a female sexologist that urges women to stop selecting men because of his good looks. She tells women to select a man by what he has to say.

  8. 38
    MissouBoy

    If you go to a nice club, it can be a win-win if he shares what outfits catch his eyes. You can note any of the Lap-dance moves, and try them out on him, in private. Then, there would be nothing special about going to a club.

    The cool thing about a club, in this STD-laden society, is that you have brief, limited contact, and that’s all. The clubs are supervised. Like, if I go months without a girlfriend, then I like going to a club to get a booth dance (dancer wiggles on your lap and you can fondle everywhere except the g-string area.)

    I like to get a booth, but have the dancer put on a soft outfit. The first half of the dance, I just wrap my arms around her and hold her, like I would hold a girfriend, just savoring the warmth, and press of the embrace. The second half of the dance I like to caress her, to feel her arms, legs, back, and all the soft parts.

    But what two dances cost at a club is what I normally spend on a date (dinner & movie.) In a relationship, you actually get to chat, share your thoughts, BE together, hold hands, savor time together… and hug for hours.

    With the club, you don’t get emotionally involved, in a relationship-lasting sort of way. Even if a dancer suggest you could “go out” together, she likely means it in an “escort way,” and not a “girlfriend with fulfilling relationship way.”

    I took my last girlfriend to a club, since some of her nail-salon customers were dancers. I chatted with her, to poing out things about it that I read on Z-bone.

    The dance becomes a drudgery, as their bare, tender skin brushes for hours against rough fabrics like denim, leather, broadcloth, and hardware like snaps, belt-buckles, and zippers.

    Dancers have to desensitize themselves, in some way. The customers are walking billfolds. They are independent contractors, so get no benefits. The entertainment provided would be cherished & intimate in private, when reserved only for the one they love.

    But like the one that joins a working band “for the love of playing,” that which was a fun hobby becomes drudgery, as patrons pass through the establishment like customers through a restaurant.

    It is a tough job, and some have to use chemicals to tune-out aspects that are unpleasant. That only increases expenses, and shortens the durability of their health.

    I feel bad, when I consider I may be contributing to the dancer’s occupational problems.

    But I so appreciate just holding a woman in my arms, speaking from my heart to tell her how pretty she is (since is I comment at work that a woman’s perfume smells nice, I can get written up & investigated for “sexual harassment” since ‘intent’ does not matter & 3rd-parties are required to report anything they even ‘think’ might constitute harassment.)

    If your guy is having trouble talking to you, you might try getting him to read “The Language of Love” by John Trent, that teaches men to communicate in “word pictures” so you can understand him.

  9. 39
    JerseyGirl

    I have heard men say that strip clubs can be a “win-win” for everyone. But what I think men really mean is that it’s a “win-win” for him. How does a woman, in a relationship with a man, come out on top and “win” anything, by her man getting turned on and spending time, attention and money on other almost naked women?

    Also, how many men would be open to going to places where they can ogle other men and then tell their SO that he could dress up like that for her? I really doubt most men would like that idea very much. I get so furstrated on this topic because I just find men to be very selfish on this front. I don’t know what it is about strip clubs but it seems to me that men make it just as important as their real life partner. It really saddens me the crass and careless way men are when it comes to this topic.

  10. 40
    liz

    To one previous poster – this is not an age of equality. There is more pressure on women than ever before to meet an unrealistic, cookie-cutter shape. Why do you think so many young teenage girls are getting implants?
    A strip club is where a man buys a sexual experience with a stranger. I bet most of these guys who say it’s harmless and women should lighten up and get over it would probably have a shit fit if they knew that their girl friend was getting all hot and bothered by some stacked stud whispering in their ear describing in minute detail the kind of head he’d like to give her. It’s the equivalent.

  11. 41
    liz

    P.S. and the guy who wants to sit there and watch this is a rare beast indeed.

  12. 42
    juLiette

    it just makes me sad;(

  13. 43
    SHERWIN

    let us all start acting normal now
    normal is being so happy with your boy-friend , girl-friend and or
    spouse , that , extra stimulation such as strip clubs or similar is
    not necessary ,
    that is what is called normal.
    If you have the urge to go to a strip club with your girl-friend something is wrong somewhere , figure it out.

  14. 44
    starthrower68

    Ok, the born-again Christian is going to freak you all out and say, I don’t think it’s realistic to expect men not to become aroused at the sight of a naked, attractive woman. That having been said, if it were me, I know that I will never – no matter how hard I try – look like a hot stripper. So, if I were with a guy and that is what he really wanted, he might as well ditch me and go for it so I can move on. My ex-husband went to strip club once for one of his college buddies’ b-day. I can’t say that I was really bothered by it.

  15. 45
    emily

    I just turned 18 on May 3rd and I have been dating my boy friend since freshman year and off and on about twice he is 19 in November. And it was bother our first time. I loved it they way the interact with you, guys are guys let them be guys or let them be guys with someone else. Its just a game kind not like he is taking one home or talking about sex with one or trying to make me be like them. I know he loved it he got to see some beautiful woman do there sexy thang ;) I was nervous at first for sure but then i got use to it once i was there for 15 mins or so. I would even go there with just my girlfriends. Just to have fun, and relax and be around sexiness. I suggest it, its an adventure and an experience you gotta do it with your boyfriend just let him do his own thing but with you dont get up in his grill. you wanna be with someone who loves you for who you are and what you have to offer. So love yourself and let them love you and watch other girls.

  16. 46
    William

    Jerseygirl – I agree with, basically, everything you’ve said. I’m  44, and have zero interest in strip clubs. The idea of sitting around a bunch of other guys, drooling over some chick who’s trying to turn the guys into human ATM machines is boring as hell. Also, let’s face it – a stranger’s naked body becomes a bland backdrop after very little time. I do disagree with you over women at male strip shows though. Girls who go to Thunder From Down Under shows regularly, post comments about how they got to touch the stripper’s “package” and asses. Women actually get to grope and fondle the male strippers while they’re running through the crowds, and they do. I would NEVER date a girl who was into male strippers. I have zero respect for a girl who feels at home in a place where women are groping strippers, unbuckling strippers’ pants, grabbing their bare asses, getting their hands shoved down the guys’ G-strings, etc. That kind of girl isn’t my gene pool. Who the hell cares if they’re laughing at the same time. It is degrading and she would be part of that. My next relationship will have a zero tolerance on this issue – period. There is absolutely no jealousy involved. I have ABSOLUTELY nothing to be jealous about. What a girl thinks and how she behaves is more important to me that how the girl looks. If a girl is a 10, she automatically becomes a 2 if she’s into the male stripper scene. I simply am not attracted to a girl who’s into that. Also, I could care less what the “majority” feels about the acceptability of strippers for bachelor/bachelorette parties. Let’s face it – 90% of the population are monkeys. They don’t know anything, they don’t think about anything, they go to work, come home and try to find new ways to entertain themselves – period. They are the “fluff” class. The fact that these ignorant folks are slaves to retarded rituals/traditions (such as strippers) is very telling. Juliette – I would put your dude to the curb yesterday. Tell him that you aren’t attracted to guys who are into strip clubs. He won’t want you to be less attracted to him. Take that angle. Any person, male or female, who values strip clubs over the feelings of their SO, doesn’t really love you. Actions speak louder than his vacant words. Juliette – you are in the right and he is in the wrong. There’s nothing wrong with you or your feelings. Just realize – it’s not easy to be in the enlightened minority.

  17. 47
    Rose

    I agree William. I step up from prostitution and one step up from being a John. Not somewhere I would want to be or someone I would want to be with.

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