Why You Shouldn’t Have Sex With Your Friends – Or Should You?

Why You Shouldn't Have Sex With Your Friends - Or Should You?

You saw “When Harry Met Sally…” but have you lived it? I have. Once had a wicked crush on my best friend from eleventh grade. Lost touch, got back in touch, lost touch again. We hadn’t seen each other in four years when we reconnected after college, but when we did, we slept together. It was everything I’d dreamed of, but it was so…foreign…and somehow, wrong. We stayed in touch for years afterwards – but we never ever got together again.

The thing about friendship is that you’re dealing with an established commodity. It’s not like meeting a cute stranger, swapping spit, and giving it a whirl. The stakes, in this instance, are a lot higher, because there’s actually something to lose.

It was everything I’d dreamed of, but it was so…foreign…and somehow, wrong.

Now I’m sure you know a couple of longtime friends who got together after a dozen years of dating the wrong people and now they live happily ever after with their three kids in Sheboygan, WI.  It happens and I’m sure it’s close to an ideal situation. I mean, after all, who better to be your partner than someone who knows you as a friend first? But this is the exception and not the rule. 99% of relationships fail, otherwise you’d be married to your Spin the Bottle boyfriend from sixth grade. So if all relationships are fraught with danger, yet who better to navigate it than a trusted friend, what can we conclude?

Well, we know that sex is complicated. For some, it’s a lustful response to something visual. For others, it’s a tender, wordless expression of affection. Some people have sex. Some people make love. Women also have the added pull of the “cuddling” hormone oxytocin, which bonds them emotionally to men and makes unattached sex even more difficult.

Factor all this into the loaded variables that come with friendship.

Maybe he’s been pining after her for years, playing the dutiful best friend.

Maybe she’s spent all her time dating jerks and never bothered to consider him before.

Maybe they live in different states.

Maybe they work together.

Maybe they’ve never hung out socially before.

Maybe they spend a lot of time together already.

Maybe their relationship is a secret.

Maybe their friends always joked about them but she said no.

Maybe she tries his last name on for size.

Maybe he pictures her naked….

Maybe they’ve talked about it before.

Maybe they just got drunk and kissed.

Maybe she’s ready for the real thing.

Sex with a friend is a minefield of maybes, and a good majority of the time, you don’t make it to the other side without losing a limb.

Maybe he’s not.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Sex with a friend is a minefield of maybes, and a good majority of the time, you don’t make it to the other side without losing a limb. That’s why, in my humble opinion, sex with a stranger beats sex with a friend. There’s no baggage. No white elephant in the room. It’s far easier to let it all hang out if you know you may very well not see your sex partner again. With your friend, you have no choice. It’s your friend.

You know how much the friendship’s worth to you, and what you stand to lose by letting sex get involved. Personally, I think it’s a gamble that can pay the hugest possible dividends. Just remember that in the end, most gamblers lose.


Join 7 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (12 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 1

    Great example, I did at one time live in Sheboygan, I never knew people outside of Wisconsin knew about the place. I do very much agree that without a good foundation, one cannot build a good future. Sex, Puppy Love, and the other attractants that draw to people together do fade, and it is ones ability to spend “down” time together successfully that can make or break relationships in my honest opinion. Evan, I think most of your readers know things like this, but like me Skim over these obvious lessons, and it takes someone like you to remind us of them and how to apply them to our decision making.

  2. 2

    I must say that I have a friend whom is very close to me; we have always hung out and had a great time just enjoying our friendship. Now, we do have sex when we feel like it. We both know that there is no attachment; we both know we aren’t the other’s only partner; we also sometimes bring our “buddies” to join. Sometimes we talk and cuddle afterwards; but it is just as likely that one of us tells the other to be quiet, give them room to sprawl out, and let that person enjoy happy time after an orgasm (though usually the latter causes a bit of laughter). We also can kick the other out of our house if we so desire and our feelings arent hurt. I think you just need to have COMPLETE honesty and KNOW that you would never be able to date the other person. These two things are VERY hard to find in one person, perhaps it was just a stroke of luck, perhaps it is that we are both bi and know that neither one of us could be tied down with one gender; maybe, it was his experience at handling this type of situation. It might also be that we are still relatively young and in college; I am 22 and he is 29. It might also be that neither one of us has any desire to settle down. All I do know that for him and me, it works. I just want to say that it does happen.

  3. 3

    I thought that I should also mention that it has been working for over a year… Some classmates had happened to hear a conversation that him and I were having and remarked that our friendship would turn sour in a week if we would actually have sex. To which of course we had both laughed. It also doesnt bother me if he doesnt want to hang out or breaks plans with me because he is with someone else; even another female. I get it; I have been there. Sometimes, you just want someone different; people are very different in the way they generally like to have sex and sometimes you just want a change. I was just reminded of those points and had wanted to clarify.

  4. 4

    My name is Morgan. And I sometimes have sex with my best guy friend, who’s been my best friend for over a year. Nothing’s awkward. & we both know there’s nothing more behind it. It’s just friendly-sex. Period. And neither of us have feelings for the other one, so it’s pretty easy.

    1. 4.1

      I have been friends with this guy for almost a year,the first time we meet we made it clear that we both have partners,it felt different being with him the way we have fun I coulddnt resist him and we slept together we always do wen w meet but I sometimes feel somehow cz I feel like I am getting attached to help him and would talk about and say we shoulddnt end up at that stage coz we woulddnt want to hurt each other I don’t want to loose him as a friend,even though I sometimes wish we could dyt but still I feel safe and fine having sex with him

  5. 5

    As a woman, for safety reasons, I’d take sex with a friend over sex with a stranger anytime. As a sole provider, I owe it to my family that, when I get intimate with someone, it’s with a safe enough person that I won’t turn up in a garbage container the morning after. I know, gross exaggeration, but you get the general idea. Works so far. Hasn’t ruined any friendships as yet.

  6. 6

    Wish my bestfriend was my girlfriend. But idk how to get her. She said I’m like a brother to her and Ive liked her b4 I even hit puberty.  Now I’m 15 and she’s seventeen and I’m afraid to wait any longer cause she said she’s been looking at other guys which really pisses me of. Because of how long I have wanted her

  7. 7

    I been having sex with my friend for 5 yrs we always had a thing that we did when we did it he pretended to be slp but he has a new guy now and he text me and told me its over we cant do it anymore my advice dnt have sex with yur bestfriend becuse at the end of tbe day yu cant be angry unless yu had feelings from the start and thats wat sucks about it i learned the hard way

  8. 8

    Real friendship IS love.  That’s why FWB is, to my mind, not friendship at all.  It is egoism at its very worst.  Admittedly with agreement.  Ha! But that’s where it gets screwed up.
    If you truly are friends, you maybe are hoping something comes out of it.  It might, but I doubt it.  Otherwise……you’d be a couple.

    1. 8.1

      I would have thought similarly when I was younger, but currently I am in my mid 20s, and for many reasons prefer my close friendships to relationships.  I have found a really happy balance of being FWBs with several close friends, where there are feelings for eachother, but no jealousy and drama.  It’s great, we are all able to communicate well, respect and care for each other and have our freedom- i’d say there are less problems then i’ve had in relationships where desires and needs often have to be edited and feelings really get hurt..   it’s all in what people are comfortable with but I’m starting to see that this can work great with the right people.

  9. 9

    I ‘HAD’ a best friend, a soul mate. We were friends since we were in our preteens. Of course we moved on with our lives, I got married had children, he moved to the east coast and got married had children. He was stationed in Afghanistan in 07. I emailed him to tell him how proud I was of him and I prayed he’d be safe. He responded and a few back and forth notes later, he told me of how much he had a crush on me and still did. It sparked a fire in me and I too wondered how that would be. But didn’t have the same feelings I guess he did. I made it perfectly clear I wanted the friendship more than anything else in the world. I loved him like a sibling. He continued to mention his crush and thoughts regarding it. Later I was notified his wife had found his letters. She was very upset and should have been. He lied though… He told her it was me, a complete opposite scenario. I was devastated. I understood his reasons. However I was floored. His family, his brother all I was very close to. Now, nothing. He made me feel as though I had caused this. Someone who I would have trusted my children with, my life! Now, I often find myself upset and wishing I had that friend back again. I know deep inside it will never happen. I know he probably never held the friendship in such high regard as I. It kills me to know I was taken as a fool. I do still love him, love him deeper than any friend I have ever had. I don’t love him in a sexual way, yet a way that is far greater, a kindred spirit kinda love. I am broken hearted and even after several years I MISS HIM DEARLY.

  10. 10

    I’m talking to this guy we have been friends for 3 months I’m 20 and he is 21. We consider ourselves friends with benefits. I have a bf. And he knows it it’s fine with him. We talk to each other about everything! The sex is great I don’t think there is anything wrong with having sex with your friend. We are just friends having sex no strings attached. No feelings are involved because we both belong to someone else. But damn. The sex is amazing I can tell him stuff that I wouldn’t tell my boyfriend

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>