If I’m a Great Woman, Why Can’t I Find Love?
- Dating, What You May Be Doing Wrong
Wow. Where do I start? I’m 42, and have never been married, and I guess that I have been dating idiots, or men who are not even dating material for the last 10 years. People always ask me why I am still single, I get all the popular comments, like “Oh, that’s a shame, still single at your age”. It’s ridiculous.
There is nothing wrong with me, I’m athletic, been told I am attractive, outgoing, and I enjoy sports, and all sorts of out door activities, and have a great circle of friends, so why after all this time have I not met anyone? My last serious relationship was back in college! I’ve dated on and off for a few months to a year, only to have things crash and burn for one reason or another.
What am I doing wrong? I’ve tried online dating, only to become seriously jaded by it all. I do have an open mind, and have even considered meeting and dating guys I normally would not. But nothing ever comes from it. Do I give up? I’m tired of friends telling me that when I least expect it, I will meet someone great, well, I have not been expecting it, and it never came. What now? 🙁
Lauren
Dear Lauren,
I’m reminded of a story that Rich Gosse, the founder of AmericanSingles, once shared with me. It was an amazing response to how he dealt with skeptical press inquiries about his new business model.
“What kind of loser (I’m paraphrasing here) would go to an online dating site to meet someone?” the press would ask.
To which Rich would reply: ‘Well, there are a number of people out there who are socially awkward. There are a number of people who are somewhat weak and needy. There are a number of people who are so desperate for companionship that they’d do anything to avoid being alone. I call these people ‘married people’.”
I thought that was a brilliant answer. After all, there’s no special skill for getting married. Buy a ring, take a vow, and you’re married. It’s why I’ve never once worried about my qualifications to give dating advice. I didn’t suddenly get smarter by getting married. And if my wife dumped me, I wouldn’t suddenly get dumber.
All of this is me saying that there’s nothing wrong with being single. …Despite the title of my second book, Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised To Get Mad, being single is a fine state of affairs. I’ve was single for 35 years and don’t regret spending ten years actively looking for love.
That said, most single people DO want to find an amazing person and get married. Which is why questions like Why You’re Still Single, “Why I can’t find love”, and “Why He Isn’t That Into Me” are supremely relevant. And since the age-old answers like “I’m picky,” “I just haven’t met the right guy,” and “Men suck” aren’t leading us to a desired conclusion, everything I write is designed to create a greater level of self-awareness in how we are complicit in our own fates.
Shining the light on myself, I’ve definitely been too picky at times. I’ve been difficult and argumentative at other times. I’ve been in dire financial and career straits at other times. Not surprisingly, now that my career as a dating coach is in order and my head is on straight, I’m more open to giving and receiving love.
So what’s your blind spot? I couldn’t tell you, but I know there’s something there that you’re not seeing. Read this post from a few months back and you’ll hear yourself, Lauren. It’s from another amazing 42-year-old woman, who can’t fathom why she hasn’t put it all together. You seem to be more self-aware, in that you’re claiming to have an open mind about dating. So that’s a start.
But I think the greatest thing keeping single people single is that they don’t truly make an effort to change things. They say they do, but they are stuck in their comfort zone and don’t really DO anything about pursuing love.
Think about dating as a job hunt. This is the core metaphor driving my first book, and a guiding principle of my friend Rachel Greenwald’s book as well. When we’re unemployed, we do everything in our power to find work. Yet when we’re single, we sort of hope things will work out. You said it yourself. “It’ll happen when I least expect it.” No! It’ll happen when you create it. So what are you doing to create it?
Are you telling your friends you’re looking for potential partners – and that they should set you up with single eligible guys?
Are you going to singles events — parties, trips, cruises — or at least doing activities that have single men in attendance?
Are you taking online dating as seriously as you could be?
Have you gotten a new photo?
Have you a one-of-a-kind essay?
Have you signed up for a six-month subscription on a big dating site?
Have you been spending time searching for and initiating contact with men?
Have you been giving men second chances on dates?
Have you considered hiring a matchmaker or a dating coach?
If you’re not doing all of these things, you’re not doing enough. Yes, it’s great when the universe provides a cute, attractive, successful, intuitive, funny, kind, emotionally available man at your doorstep. But since this hasn’t happened in 42 years, what makes you think it’s gonna start now?
Listen, I don’t know you from Adam, which is why any advice I can give you is a bit scattershot. But I can tell you this:
Happiness studies have shown that happy people are the ones whose goals and actions are aligned. So if a guy is a people person, but works as a security guard by himself for eight hours a night, it should come as no surprise that he’s not all that happy.
So ask yourself: are your goals and your actions aligned?
Your goal: You want to be married.
Your actions thus far: ???
If finding love is truly more important than anything else in the world, maybe you should start living your life like it. Take action and change can happen. Otherwise, it’s just a lot of magical thinking.
If you want to know how to take action, you can reach me here.
Susan says
You know, Evan, usually I agree with your posts so much. But you’ve lost me on this one. I read it with great interest, because I’m a 38-year-old woman in the same boat. I’m perfectly nice, average-looking, intelligent and intellectual, funny, creative, etc.
Yes, I’ve done internet dating. I’m not doing it any more. I am SO SICK of these men who are fives (or lower) who all think they’re going to wind up with super models. There probably isn’t one guy that I wouldn’t have given a second chance, but out of many, many men only two of them ever gave me a second date. You may read this and think I’m a terrible date, but I’m self aware enough to know I’m not a disaster. I’m very good at talking to people, and those dates went reasonably well. But blonde-haired, blue-eyed, and buxom though I am, a super model I’m not. Personally, I don’t feel the need to subject myself to that kind of rejection any more. These men online are either not serious or they’re deeply deluded about who they’ll wind up with. Either way, it’s not good for me.
Incidentally, I read that book about finding a husband after 35. I found it offensive. No, it is not like finding a job. You know what I’m doing to meet a man? I’m having a rich and active life. I’m out almost every night of the week, at lectures, readings, arts events, classes, club meetings, and various social functions. And not typically with a gaggle of female friends. In fact, often I’m alone and very approachable. I pursue things that interest me, and I’m friendly and open to meeting people who share those interests. I have a large circle of friends and acquaintances. I accept frequent invitations and meet their friends and friends of friends. I do all kinds of volunteer work. I run a very social book group that meets in a bar. I’m always open to new experiences (rodeo, anyone?). I have a LIFE. I’m not sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring. And I *literally* can’t remember the last time a man I met in any way or setting asked me out. It’s been years. I don’t date at all.
Oh, and for the record, I did try asking men out when I was younger. I found them to be polite and non-committal, as in, “That’d be great. We should definitely do that some time.” Now I’m old and grumpy. Why do I have to approach the man? I would kind of hope the man could show enough interest to actually approach me in some way, shape, or form. By the time he’s in his 40’s, he should have his act together a little. If asking out a woman is hard, it’s about a million times harder for a woman to ask a man out because we’re defying gender roles. And I’m not saying I wouldn’t do it again, but honestly, I haven’t been tempted in a long time.
I would not describe myself as picky at all. I’m not looking for a movie star. I don’t care if he has money, career, or car. I’m just looking for a guy who’s nice to me, makes me laugh, and uses his brain. It’s been a long time since I met a man I was really interested in.
I’ve been reading your blog with great interest, Evan. I may pick up the phone one day and pursue your services. But don’t tell me to pursue this like a job hunt. I can hear how defensive I sound, but I’ve earned my baggage. My parents celebrated their 40th anniversary this week. I never thought I’d be spending my entire adult life alone. And goddamn celebate! This is not the life I ordered. And as nice as you are, Evan, I don’t think you’ll ever truly understand what it’s like to be a single woman of a certain age, because it’s a different experience for men. It’s a different world.
Sorry, you touched a nerve. Rant over.
gordo van volson says
Sorry, Evan, my good man. You made the mistake of telling post-wall women that they in fact need to do something differently, and you brought out the defensiveness in them. God forbid you tell them something has to change. That means they’re not perfect! Truth is, they’re far from perfect. Susan, your life doesn’t sound interesting; though you are certainly trying hard to make it sound like it is. Always remember one thing: there is a Reason certain women have great guys and are building a wonderful family, and you are not.
SparklingEmerald says
gordo @ 1.1
Typical response, WOMEN have to change while simultaneously accepting men EXACTLY as they are. What about women like me who have done all we are supposed to do and still aren’t perfect enough for men ?
Not every married woman is married to a “great guy”, or raising a great family. Just look at the divorce rate !
I am not perfect, nor do I expect to meet a man who is, but I am getting really tried of hearing that women are the ONLY ones who have to change, while men don’t, won’t and/or can’t change.
I am not super model beautiful, nor am I looking for someone who is, but I take care of my appearance and health and I’m not ugly.
If I have to twist myself into a pretzel trying to be someone I’m not, is it really worth it ?
And I’ve done everything on EMK’s list EXCEPT initiate contact with men online. I have “initiated” a few times by liking a picture or making someone a favorite, and those have always turned out to be the WORST dates when they materialized. Guy acting so aloof and indifferent. WHY ? Because men like to hunt, they don’t like to be hunted. So in no way will I ever write the first e-mail and invite rejection like that. If a guy is interested in me, he’ll approach me. Even if it’s just to “like” my picture or make me a favorite.
I can’t imagine adding that ONE thing to my “to do” list to find a guy will make a difference. I don’t want to spend another evening with a man who is so CLEARLY indifferent and aloof towards me.
The only guys that like me are the ones I don’t like. The ones I like, don’t like me. Or neither one of us likes the other.
I have done what Susan has done. I am involved with volunteer work, and go to interesting places, sometimes with friends, sometime alone. I don’t do this to meet men. I do this as an alternative to men. So yes, I will go with a large group of women sometimes, just to enjoy a night of ping pong & happy hour or music or whatever.
I have done as much work on myself as I can, without completely altering who I am. Any more man pleasing changes I make, and I won’t even be myself. If I could trick a man into loving “fake me”. would be pointless. How long could I keep up the fake act ? What would be the point, he really wouldn;t love me anyway, just a fake version of me.
All I can do at this point in my life is create a life doing things that I enjoy. I’ve had 2 marriages, neither worked out. Everyone eventually has their last relationship, I have sadly concluded that I have had my last one.
Not by choice. It’s not sour grapes. I KNOW how sweet those grapes are, I’ve been intoxicated on the wine of those sweet grapes.
The grapes aren’t sour, they are just out my reach.
Bold says
You are old and wanna get married? Just come to Africa and especially Kenya and you will find a husband who will ‘worship’ the ground you walk. I have seen white old and divorced ladies who come to Kenya and have very fulfilling relationship with African men.
Jake says
Works both ways, I am a 55 year old male,never married.Aside from my status causing people to assume that i am gay,I could not be happier. Have yet to meet an woman who is interested in anything more than the size of my bank account. Younger women especially are very mercenary. Once they find out you are not wealthy,suddenly you are very unattractive. Plus I have yet to encounter any female who,once the relationship starts to get serious,all those things she found cute,endearing,funny,and quirky about you,are suddenly unacceptable,and she strives to make you over into what SHE thinks you should be. So,go ahead guys,make an ass of yourself. You will only pay for it with heartache
charlie says
Theres nothing wrong with what she just said. Typical man picking fault with a woman, especially one who had an opinion. Get a life!
L F says
I am a 39 y/o DWM. I think the problem is the same for men. We see overweight women that aren’t terribly pretty thinking because they can get a hot guy during a drunken one night stand that they can get one in a relationship. I am hear to tell you, and it is shocking, men will sleep with women way below their caliber and would never have a relationship. If 5s are lining up, it is likely its because she is a 5 herself. There is lots of research to draw on that show this.
I am fit, active, wealthy, play in a rock band. I have no desire to marry again, I have too much to lose financially and with the corruption in the courts of equity, marriage is a terrible proposition. Plus, with the sexual revolution, finding girls that are perfectly happy with being FWBs is not an issue. Oh, and I have yet to have a FWB over 30.
This new age is great. Heck, there used to be a time you had to be married to get a promotion because it showed stability, now husbands are looked at as buffoons, cavemen who only sit and watch television, who wants to enter into something with such low status as that!?
starthrower68 says
When I see certain comments coming from our dear brothers, I realize that I am in a sense, grateful for the hot 10’s who can get these “high caliber males”. That means the high caliber types are preoccupied and stay within their own little perfect groups. I am always grateful not to have to deal with such things. 🙂
Suzan says
Having an opinion definitely works against women in relationships. Very few men aren’t thrown off by a woman with a mind of her own.
Having a brain can be a huge problem for women, too, unless their brains are used to trick walking wallets into relationships, which seems easier than one would hope. I mean, if I hear another man talk about how his girlfriend had an “accidental” pregnancy…
louise says
Fabulous Charlie, totally agree 🙂
Suzan says
“Building a wonderful family”? Are you referring to all those wonderful-family men who bother women like me to try for crying out loud to have a little fun already? Or the men with the wonderful families who hide gay porn – and their own sexuality – in their closets? Or maybe the ones who pay prostitutes/dominatrixes to put a little spice in their lives because it’s cheaper than divorcing their cold, estranged wives? Or perhaps you’re referring to the ones whose wives leave them as soon as the cash cow dries up?
Because all of this is way more common than you can imagine, obviously.
Wow says
And I imagine you have an amazing wife with that kind of attitude!
Mini says
You are the reason why women are still single. Instead of looking at this woman ‘s plight and empathising with her and telling her that there are great guys out there that will love to go out with her, instead you insult her. You are typical of all the losers out there. You attack and belittle and think that your sarcasm actually denotes intelligence, it does not.
Mark76 says
Gordo….that is just mean spirited i’m afraid. Sounds to me like you are the one is defensive and bitter. Susan disagreeing with the response and giving her own experience does not make her what you are making her out to be. To imply that Susan is single and others have great guys and families is the result of her being deficient in some way is a wrong conclusion and just said bu you to be cruel and hurtful. Hope this doesn’t represent you view of women in general or God help them!
Jane says
that just wasn’t very nice. I don’t know why this lady is hasn’t met her man yet, but random criticism isn’t helpful. Don’t forget there are plenty of unhappy married people as well.
Blah says
Cuz she’s not gonna be a douchebags doormat that’s y. Men only stay for hot women or women they can use a manipulate. SHES SMART, guys hate that. She knows herself and his motives too well be manipulated.
Bill says
Gordo, maybe she’s telling the truth! I’m a man in the same boat and I’m told I’m handsome with nice eyes all the time. What kind of name is Gordo anyway?
Anon says
Actually, I hope he knows that “gordo” means “fat” in Spanish….lol
louise says
Gordo, you made me laugh. Because your reply was so nasty and personally judgemental. Whilst Susan was having her say on her own personal experience to do with the article you seem to retaliate which isnt even your fight to be putting Susan down for her honesty and truth. What I laugh at is this shows your weakness whilst Susan shows great strength and courage to be real. Meanness is weak and its easy to be mean but harder to stand up for yourself. I am glad I am strong too.
Kc says
You sound very uncompassionate Gordo.
Almost like a woman hater.
I know many men and women who struggle finding true love. That’s what they want. A real connection.
Log says
Any woman who stats a sentence with “all men are…” will never find any good man because she has already ruled out the possibility of a good man.
Why even try?
Problem with online dating is, most women want the best 10% of men out there while most men want to go out with the hottest 10% of women out there. With so much choice, that 10% is in a power position where they can do almost anything while the “seekers” feel powerless.
Realistic 1 says
So I fell upon this article and have read thus far… let me tell you, I believe that women just want to meet a “good man”, not being as concerned with the outside as the inside, but personally, also someone who has some taste and cares about his grooming.
If a guy possesses confidence and positive, likable traits, who is emotionally balanced, that is what I believe concerns women, not seeking a “hot” guy, where one problem lies in that men appear to continue seeking the youngest, “hottest” females.. this is why “never the twain shall meet” for many. The notion that men and women ever began being rated physically on a scale of 1-10 is pretty absurd, since many people are not 1-10 on the inside or capable of having a relationship, despite if good looking or not.
As long as the idea is to continue dwelling on and hawking physical perfection in females, nothing will ever change.
Diane says
I personally don’t think I’m a ten but I’m slim and take care of my appearance. I’m not looking for a hot guy, what I am looking for is a decent guy, who’s kind, funny and who’s got integrity. Sadly even the jerks think they are hot and think they have the right to treat us like sex objects
jenn says
i TOTALLY agree with you and can TOTALLY relate..i am in the same boat and you are SO right…it is so much difficult for a woman to ask a man out because WE have to reverse the gender role now…and most men ARE apt to reject a woman… being beautiful means nothing because i am thin beautiful and men dont give me second dates either–heck many will cancel the movie after dinner!! at one point i couldnt even get dinner and a movie lol! i too, am talkative friendly kind sweet beautiful active creative…monogamous loyal yet all men do is put me down or insult me out of insecurity and some male dominance thing to dominate a beautiful woman. men never ask me out either…just randomly STARE at me that’s it. most dates dont go well and most males out there have issues too. so what are we to do? yes just watch the world go by in their relationships…its not about looks, money, career, education…its about LUCK OPPORTUNITY thats it…
men tehse days are so twisted they will SEXUALLY REJECT beautiful women too! males these days are sick in the head many are….so this isnt a rare fact out there….its just how dating is today….
Lia says
I hear you on how disappointing dating is. However, I wanted to share with you that there is a way to always get second dates. I am not thin/supermodel beautiful and I’m 42 yo. While I”m not in a relationship, I have an almost 100% hit rate first to second date. In fact, if I like the guy any, it usually lasts 2-3 months until one of us figures that it’s not the right relationship. I’ve been dating a year, and while I don’t know how to get a serious relationship through dating at this age (I was with my ex-H for 20 years prior to starting dating at 41) but getting a second date is not rocket science. You have to talk less than the guy, ask him questions, exude kindness, look him in the eyes, mirror his body language, show him interest, don’t act too over the top with anything (don’t talk loud, don’t laugh too much, don’t do anything that seems impulsive etc.). Just be nice, kind, warm, and don’t talk and talk and talk. Don’t drink, don’t be bitter or negative. It’s the same with men. When men do the above mistakes (talking too much, focusing on themselves, be negative etc.), I usually don’t give them a second date.
Aj says
U are very small minded due to the fact that you are grouping men because I have only met a very select group o dickheads overtime. Saying that good and bad is all relative. The reason I say this is because u use the words luck which is biased choice or change and opportunity which is just an excuse to keep waiting. Opportunity is a chance, being ambitious is a choice. Don’t leave your love life to chance.
Bea says
I do not know how old this post is but I feel the same way even though I am young (21 years old) and I still cannot seem to get a date and on top of that, I have never had a bf before. People tell me I am beautiful/cute/pretty . I try to put myself out there but it is like guys are now passive. Guys never ask me out although some guys may stare at me; they never seem to approach. It is like guys do not ask out girls these days unless you do online dating (which I do not do) or are already friends (and I also do not have any guy friends). It is frustrating because I do not want to ask out men/approach them because I feel like that is the guy’s job.
Kristy says
Thanks so much, that exactly my experience and how I feel.
i wish it were different but it hasn’t been the case.
best wishes to us both and everyone else out there, I don’t know why it’s been so hard!
Fran says
Amen sister!!!
mike says
wow i am going through the same thing.although i am a man thete is a lot of us that go through this, i am 42 and i have been single for five years and damn that is a long timemaybe we should meet.
Dave says
I can identify with you susan, though I’m a little younger (only 33) but I’m a guy, and I rarely find I get out, but even when I do, I’m not approaching a woman, it’s not that I lack the nerve, I work in retail and it’s really easy to talk to people for me. The reason I’m not approaching is because where most men will give a fairly polite ‘no’ in one way or another, I’ve only met 2 girls who managed to reject me with any form of decency, and after a while I just don’t feel the risk is worth the outcome. Even in the off chance it’s a yes, I find that women have as outlandish expectations as some men.
But for the author of this article, he admits the advice is ‘scattershot’ there is only so much advice you can give anyone, esp the opposite sex, and while you may have tried all these things to no success doesn’t mean the author should assume that everyone has tried these things.
scott k says
i came here to get answers but all i got was a bunch of men and women pointing fingers at each other. i don’t want to fight i just want to meet someone who is generally nice to me and accepts my faults. i want to snuggle on a sunday afternoon and watch tv. or go to the beach and drink water and watch the sun fall with someone who’s hand i can hold.
Quiana says
^^What she said! Awesome response. Not a rant at all. Just speaking with passion.
Scooter says
You know Susan, I could say a lot of things. I do believe in what you are expressing. You come across as both genuine and frustrated.
However.. try this.. try being a 5’5″ male who has EVERYTHING but height. Try that, only to find that height seemingly negates every other positive quality, somehow. And trust me, I have “tested” my face online. I am financially secure. I have a PhD in a hard science, along with three other degrees. Like you, I head up many social events and can hold my own in any social setting.
How should I feel?
Amy says
Scooter, I have no idea how old your post is, but just had to reply on the off chance you see it. I for one would be happy to date an accomplished, smart, kind man such as you. I have never once considered a man’s height to be important and in fact have been extremely attracted to several “short” men..same height as me or shorter. I’m 5’4″. However, I run into a similar equally frustrating problem – I am constantly overlooked, passed by, rejected, and even put down/insulted because I have small breasts! I have come to the conclusion that society places way too much importance on looks and portrays only one ideal of what we are supposed to find attractive. I have many other terrific qualities..educated, smart, funny, kind, loving, love to have fun, open-minded, great conversationalist..but remain single because it seems these qualities mean nothing to men (in general). Anyway, I just wanted you to know there are women who wouldn’t care one iota about your height and in fact may even find it attractive! So don’t give up! We are not all shallow twits.
Scooter says
Hi Amy! I don’t know how old YOUR response is, but I enjoyed reading it! However, I am very skeptical of one aspect of it; you state you are constantly rejected due to possessing small breasts? No.. I just can’t believe that. Height is strongly preferred by most women, such that it overrides other qualities, with the exception of earning power. However, I doubt breast-size does falls into that “category” when men look at women. Are there men who prefer large breasts? Sure! But it’s not a deal-breaker for the majority of men, in my opinion. Therefore, I question whether that is actually the reason you are passed-over so often? Unless you have the worst luck to improbably meet a constant string of big-breast-loving men.
I wish there were a way we could exchange pictures. 🙂
Marcia says
I do not know how old this post is, but I can say that if you have EVERYTHING but height then you may be wrong. Confidence may be what you are lacking. I can say this, because I am considered to be very attractive and I’ve dated in the top percentages of attractive and successful men. Typically I am attracted to tall men with masculine features. However, I’ve proven myself wrong with two specific men and I was shocked each time! What I realized is this- it is NOT necessarily a man’s height but how he carries himself, how self assured he is. I PROMISE you, if you can become genuinely secure and confident in who you are and act like your height is a non-issue- it will be a non-issue to most women.
Scooter says
Marcia, thank you for your response. However, I am going to be politely contrarian.
I’ve heard this line of reasoning from women, many a time. It sounds reasonable, and empowering, but in reality, it just does not translate well. I am confident and happy with my abilities (ranging from intellectual to professional to physical); this is mostly due to the joy of putting in “the work”, and garnering the return. Let me also correct my previous post: I THINK I have the other tangibles, but of course, most people over-rate themselves. However, I believe my self-assessment is more valid because I tend to be an objective and idealistic person by nature, and I can admit when I am wrong, or lacking.
Most people are going to date/marry those individuals who they have been conditioned to find desirable. (Yes yes, I know women have some “universally wanted” innate preferences, but a lot of it is definitely social conditioning, else interracial dating would still be so taboo that it would be far less prevalent) In my opinion, most women.. and by most, I anecdotally estimate around 80%.. still don’t want to date “short” guy (whatever that means to a given woman), under any circumstance, as in “no-how no-way”. Of the remaining 20% who, at least internally, don’t really care about height, a number won’t do it because of the social backlash, which leads me to my next point.
There is still a terrible stigma in dating a shorter man, and just in being one. I won’t go into a long tangent, but you surely understand that if mocking and denigrating a group of people is openly accepted, and indeed applauded at times (as a means of social maneuvering), then that group will be marginalized in the dating arena. I’m sure everyone here has seen it in their social lives, and in the media, in some fashion or another. (And good-grief, I have witnessed it in person, countless times, by both men and women, some of whom were/are my friends) There certainly are enough scientific studies to support my points.
I understand why the women in the aforementioned 20% are apprehensive. After all, why would they want to deal with their girlfriends and family questioning the choice to date a shorter guy? Why would they want to deal with the occasionally obvious perplexed/amused/mocking looks when out on a date? Why would they want to deal with guys constantly hitting on them, because said guys see them as an easy target? And so on..
On my end, I could lower my standards to the point where I get more dates. I’m sure Evan would advocate this and point out that I have to deal with the reality of my situation. I could do that; I could really lower my standards and widen my dating pool to include women who don’t have the baseline character, intellectual capacity or physical fitness I want. (I’ll add the obligatory: “I’m not looking for a supermodel Einstein”) But then, what’s the point? To get more dating experience? Yes, that seems like a goal, but would I be happy dating someone to whom I am not attracted? No. As a social outlet? Psshhht.. I have more social outlets than I can effectively participate in! Plus, it just wouldn’t be fair to the other person, unless I were to somehow convey the notion beforehand that, hey, “you’re not the one, and I just want to pass-the-time with you”.
And finally, I must say that I am just tired. I estimate having to ask out around 20 women, just to get one first-date. (So yeah.. maybe I am not “all that”?) It’s worse than a part-time job, and while I realize it’s a necessity, I have run out of the will to pursue it. Occasionally I have great women who express interest, even recently, but I am so exhausted and am just.. I don’t know.. indifferent, right now, that I don’t reciprocate. I’ve been on my own for the majority of my life, and perhaps I am too comfortable. I enjoy scientific pursuits, travel, athletics and other endeavors. My time for having a family is probably gone. So, I just don’t see the point.
Anyway, I apologize for the tangent(s). Thanks to all who read this.
Chris says
Scooter, an intelligent man who is available? I am an intelligent woman with EVERYTHING but height. At 4’11” I have a difficult time meeting men. I am well educated, only two degrees, though.
I am 67, a widow for two years. I hike, kayak, walk, travel and volunteer . Many men my age are less active. Many men want someone over 5’2″.
Am I attractive? I don’t know. I know that in a social situation people seem drawn to me. I know all of married friends tell me that I am their husband’s favorite of their friends. My neighbors go out of their way to shovel my walks in the winter. I do try to get out there before them and get their sidewalks and driveways shoveled in winter.
I think being short tends to make people want to take care of me. That’s not even close to wanting to date me.
Buck25 says
Chris,
I’m a bit puzzled by your post above. I’m 70 so I generally date in your age group, and if shorter women have trouble getting dates, I haven’t seen it here (mid-sized metro area in the southeast). I’m of about average height at 5”9″, and I’ve dated women from 4’9″ to 6′ (really makes little difference to me). Maybe a regional thing where you are? Here the women from under 5′ to 5’5″ appear to be in high demand (if relatively attractive). The women I see having the hardest time are the ones 5’10” and up; there’s only a small percentage of men as tall or taller than them, especially in heels (a 5’10” woman is roughly 6’1″ in heels), and of course men over 6′ are in demand among women of all heights, leaving a lot of the taller women with only guys shorter than they are to date. And many of those shorter men feel self-conscious dating a taller woman. One very beautiful lady I know (she’s 61) is 6′ tall, and she has a very hard time even getting a date because of that height factor, and a lot of men feeling awkward about dating a woman who’s 6’3″to 6’4″ in heels.
I suppose everyone who’s a little outside the average height ranges for their gender thinks they have it worse than everyone else. Honestly, I suspect that in this age group you’re going to have a harder time finding an active man who can keep up (just as I have a hard time finding an active woman in this age range), than finding a man who will want to date a woman your height, unless things are very different where you are than where I am. So don’t give up, Chris, just stay active, physically and socially, and be as outgoing as possible. Dating after 65 isn’t easy for a man or a woman of any height, but it can be done successfully; just takes more time and effort than when we were younger, and in the peak years of the desirable dating pool
Sheila Marie says
Short men are hot. Look at Tommy Robinson.
Edi says
I totally agree with you. Dating is so much harder for women these days. As much as you would want us to be more proactive, what happened to guys doing the chasing, asking us out in dates and spending a little money to show their interest in us? Its very discouraging when you feel you are doing everything right yet getting the wrong response. Am 33 and am tired already. Cant find a descent guy who wants to commit. Can only find unhappy married men who want to relieve the stress in their marriages. Its a total blow to my confidence. I keep wondering why am attracting these losers yet I give my all and my best.
Bill says
I feel you Edi, and I’m 42 and handsome. I hate the dating game to be honest. Thank goodness foe prozac lol
Name says
Could just be you’re not as great as you think you are. Not once did you think that maybe, just maybe, that it was you who messed up. You’re the only common denominator to this mathematical equation. You spent a lot of time in your post about how other people should have themselves together by now but I wonder if it’s just not you that doesn’t have themselves together.
Dave Henry says
Wow I’m a guy and I’m in my 40,s going threw what you are and never thought it would be like this I’m a good guy just can’t seem to meet the right girl. It’s to bad we couldn’t meet.
M says
Why don’t you just say “we should meet”, isn’t that what you are asking her? I mean, it’s not impossible after all… I think this is a major point women here are trying to make- JUST ASK A WOMAN OUT, for goodness sakes. We just want you to be bold and show courage to brave the possibility of rejection OR a potentially amazing relationship (um hello).
Braving the possibility of rejection and being respectful REGARDLESS of the outcome (because what woman hasn’t been cussed out for rejecting a complete stranger/asshole), is surprisingly ATTRACTIVE in itself, to a woman who previously thought you unattractive.
I think being self assured is everything for single men and women. Self assured, self aware, kind, open, genuine human beings who have something they are passionate about (whether it’s being the best garbage man you can be or finding a cure for deadly diseases).
Pure says
Totally agree wholeheartedly! I am in the same boat. Rant on, sister!
Amy P says
Believe me Susan I understand EXACTLY where you are coming from. I’m almost 51 and have never been married. I didn’t order that type of life either. I came from a home with a very over protective mother. She basically ran my life, and I was smothered so badly that when I finally got out of the house I made one mistake after the other all in the hopes of “finding the right guy” and also getting out from underneath her thumb. Now it’s not so bad, but then it sure was. I have a lot of baggage too. Nobody understands how different it is for we women than it is for men. All I want is a nice guy, not somebody who is a perfect 10. But where are they? Sometimes I think they’re all dead.
Dunnes says
I totally understand you because I am in a very similar situation after trying everything and changing many things. I am also a professional woman, educated, good life, social life, friends, not unatractive at all… I just gave up. I’m fed up. It sucks all the energy and it’s just not worth it. I got a dog and I’m happy as a clam.
louise says
hey Susan, great response. Heart felt, true to yourself and honest. You sound wonderful. 🙂 bless you.
Nicole says
Wow! Thank you for that! I really wish I had as active a social life as you because I work so much but you are awesome and someone I would love to hang with! I can really relate to everything you wrote and at 43 I share your pain more than you know. Men above 35 and even pushing 50 don’t want to date women my age online and it’s very sad because everyone tells me I look 30 but I don’t even come up in their searches. It could be a kid thing but not every man wants kids. I think they’re just ageists and it sucks because these 50 year olds LOOK THEIR AGE. Anyway, I needed that, hon. Thank you.
Pablo says
Look Susan, when you say that you are not a model (which I know a few, and they are too thin for most men tastes) do you mean that you are fat? Overweight? Because men only ask for two things: NO fatty (not all men of course), and nice to be around. That ´s it. I ´m 40 myself, and I almost have given up. I am not tall (and I can never be taller) and I am not rich (and I will never be). So, what ´s the issue with you? Are you not nice to be around? Men like interests, but they don ´t care about your “career”. Chances are, is not very interesting. Talk about Artificial Intelligence, physics or politics? Sure, that ´s cool! About “career”? Sorry ma ´am, that sounds like “work”.
So there.
Queen says
I completely agree with you. No one understands how it feels to be a single woman at a certain age…NO ONE!!!
James says
I feel the same way. Maybe we should go on a date and we can see if we can help each other?
Im also said to be attractive by friends and others. I am very generous, courteous, funny and respectful. I also have a house and great job but am still single. I never wanted to wait for the right one, I just wanted one that felt right.
singleinnewyorkcity says
i AGREE with Susan on all points especially the point about online dating. I’m a single and atrractive 30 year old. I’ve done EVERYTHING and believe me…EVERYTHING to find someone who I feel a connection with. The whole “give a guy you wouldnt ordinarily be interested in a chance” doesnt work. From my experience these guys wind up acting like all the others and begin to think that they’re doing you a favor! Seroiusly Evan are all guys in this city delusional. This city is made up of guys who are (on a scale from 1 – 10; 10 being a supermodel) a 5 but think they are a 10 and want girls that are 10s also. I’ve been told that I’m too picky so I decided to relax my standards and this is what I find! Susan I feel your pain.
TJ says
I have lived in NYC for 30 years now and had several long-term relationships but have never been married. (And one thing I do admit is that I stayed too long with the wrong men.) The men in NYC are IMPOSSIBLE. I agree with everyone who said the men who are 5’s here want 10’s and it has pretty much wrecked my personal life even though I vowed I would never need a man to take care of me. And I’m pretty darn close to a 10 myself and have even decided to give men a chance who I wasn’t physically attracted to, but I just couldn’t make it work. So you can only imagine what guys here who are close to 10’s want if 5’s want 10’s! I plan on leaving here in the next couple of years for another area. I’ve had enough and even though I can be alone, I would really like to have a companion and maybe even get married one of these days before I die!
Realistic 1 says
To address the two above from NYC, I will say that, being experienced myself, I feel that what is described is commonplace. I don’t think it matters HOW anyone meets another, since dating and these happenings have existed for eons. It’s only a different time, with possibly added influences, however, men are men and women are women – both having grown up with certain expectations. Unfortunately, the fact that there is too much focus on superficiality today has made things more difficult.
What I liked about the letter by Evan, is that remark by another regarding marriage… yes, this is who seems to be married.. the ones who cannot be alone, who may remain in negative situations, etc. We need to stop thinking that marriage is the final picture for all. But it would be nice to be able to spend real and satisfying time with another, who feels like an “equal”, and who is trustworthy, among other things.
Tia says
what people are often not willing to admit is, this is a societal and generational problem, this issue of not being able to find decent mates goes beyond you upping the ante and becoming ” the best you can be” and being in the book club bowling league and attending every art gallery in town. our society in general is becoming very ANTI RELATIONSHIP.
People are busy, stressed and opting for what is “easier” which is FWB and short relationship stints , many people do not want to deal with their emotions, and especially rejection and commitment. There are too many things out there vying for our attention. the internet for one. internet dating distracts people from the big picture, quantity over quality, who is worthy of me? I can do better. Too many people are obsessed with doing better. Remember dating is as much about how society perceives you and your status as it is about finding a compatible mate. People want people who mirror who they THINK they are.
This is and will be a challenge for us and future generations as people become more and more disconnected from each other, narcissist (sp) and Godless. It is way too damn easy for many man ( notice i didnt say all ) to have a fling with all these websites ( Ashley Madison anyone) rather than seek out and try to maintain a relationship with one woman. Ladies, we have given away too much power also, there was a time when to get to know you.. a man had to work. Those days are over. People propose FWB relationships as easy as they do going on dates.
Yeah so its not just in your head, not to say we all don’t have things we can work on,b ut its our society at large. I don’t see it changing anytime soon either. The pool of people who want relationships is much smaller than it used to be. I felt Susan’s pain too, it resonated with me because its the reality of so many people who are told to perk up and smile and change who they are and the dates will come.
katie says
I loved your review, just exactly how I see society these days.
Amanda says
You are spot on.
The only thing (as a super human female) I haven’t been doing is praying for my future husband to be all the things I desire. I think it’s time I start. If nothing else is working, God might be the only answer.
shellacked says
Men can smell fear and bitterness from a mile away. No matter how active your social life, no matter how put together you may seem, no matter how well you’ve perfected a feigned nonchalance at your singledom, men will be able to tell if you’re freaked out about your age & dating status.
You just have to truly internalize your acceptance of being single. I know it’s one of the hardest things a woman of a certain age can do, but it’s absolutely necessary.
No man wants to go out with a woman when he senses he’s expected to be the making of her happiness. Conversely, no guy wants to go out with a woman who preemptively expects him to disappoint her.
At a later age, it’s even more incumbent on the woman to be able to live and enjoy purely in the moment.
val says
I agree. Im a woman and 45 and i agree. If im just thinking of looking for a guy, then i will always be looking. I do stuff cuz i like to do it, not cuz im looking for a kindred spirit. Ive embraced my singleness and if i comes, then thats a bonus.
Sherry says
There’s is nothing wrong with being single…..I’m in my 50’s but I look very young because I’m not stress out by a bad relationship…
I’ve tried internet dating…I find most of the men are “Throw backs” or “mis-fit” in some way…..
I’ve learn to accept if I find someone that would be fine..If I don’t that’s fine too!
I hate when my family keep asking me “why aren’t you married”?
I would not want to be married to ANY of the people(men) that’s asking me this question
I can get married tomorrow IF I REALLY WANT TOO…but will it be someone I would want to deal with?
A lot of men are “Momma’s boys and their Mothers have not cut the apron string….
there’s a lot of mis fits out here and what decent women wants to be bother with this type of man
Quirkylikeyou says
Shellacked has some good advice. I’ll add some chronology and embellish.
We’re all born pure and innocent but we all are also born with quirks to varying degrees. The truth may be hard to accept but STATISTICALLY those with the fewer quirks find compatibility early and many marry early. I remember this well when I moved from the north east to the south (where folks marry younger) when i was 21 years old. I was surprised to see that many of the prime catch’s were already taken. As time goes on the pool of available mates becomes more and more saturated with quirky folks as the less quirky pair off.
You could support this argument with this observation: How often do you see someone who was married for 15+ years (a member of the relatively low quirk population pool) divorce and then re-marry within a short amount of time? They find compatibility easily enough.
Maybe you are perfect and have no quirks! Maybe not. The advice I have is is to do some severe introspection to determine your quirks. But this is probably impossible if you’ve been living with yourself for 40+ years. You’ve convinced yourself you are pretty good, otherwise you would have changed yourself.
See Bill Murray in groundhog day try:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Bd1hqHrUPU
About chronology – you’re likely adding more quirks as you age. The list here could be long – simple things like you have to drink your coffee within an hour of waking. Or it could be much more of a show stopper.
Let me save you some time – if you’re 30+, want to be married and are not – YOU HAVE SOME SERIOUS QUIRKS!!
Back to statistics (I’m an engineer so I like numbers) – single women are much more politically Liberal than men. Single urban women – very much more so. Successful productive men tend to grow more conservative through time. This isn’t about voting or politics – it’s about your world view – which is often conveniently rolled into political bins.
So, for women who rarely get a second date – or who don’t even make it to the movie after dinner – what are you saying about yourself and your world view? Maybe it becomes clear you like effeminate or metro-sexual men? Are you offended if a guy opens a door for you? Are your favorite subjects saving polar bears, or becoming a better vegan, freeing Tebet? Are your bragging about your latest tattoo?
I suspect that many long-single women have morphed themselves into something a real man won’t find attractive.
SparklingEmerald says
QUIRKY @ 3.something or other
The problem with this attitude that anyone past a certain age and is still single must be seriously defective (or as you say, seriously quirky) is this:
Most people’s dating pool is people within 4-10 years of their age. So if said person is DEFECTIVE as evidenced by their age and marital status, so is their dating pool.
Telling a 30+ person that they are defective because they are single, is also telling them that everyone they want to date is defective also. We have been basically poisoned against our own dating pool.
I can feel that societal prejudice creeping into my many (not all ) of my dating interactions, feeling like a bug under a microscope, as this other person scrutinizes me looking for evidence of horrible defects, while thinking he is a 50+ never married who is just such a perfect prize himself.
We are ALL defective. I am, you are, your mom is, your dad is. The couples who got married the day after they graduated high school are defective. The people who never got married at any age are defective. Those who have been married many times are defective. Happy couples happen when two people can find someone that they can love in SPITE of their defects.
Who says that getting married under the age of 30 makes you better than anyone else ? Maybe those youngsters who got married at 19 were settling, or so insecure that they couldn’t find someone else, married their high school sweetheart, even if the relationship wasn’t so great. Maybe people who marry young have lower standards ?
Look at the divorce rate, about half of all marriages end in divorce. Why does being married and divorced make someone better ? They took a vow they couldn’t keep, and that makes them better than someone who never made the vow to begin with ?
During the 23 years I was married, I NEVER thought that being married made me better than any of my divorced or never married friends. I considered myself blessed, happy and fortunate, not superior.
I think society is in a very weird state right now as far as marriage goes. Marriage is declining in popularity, more and more people will publicly denounce marriage and claim they don’t want it (weather they mean it or not is very suspect, very likely a case of sour grapes) Yet at the same time, we put down people who aren’t married as being defective.
Being married doesn’t mean you are better than anyone else. It just means you either found your match, or settled. By settled, I don’t mean compromised on a few things, I mean as in married someone you didn’t really love or weren’t really attracted to. Many married people are miserably trapped in loveless marriages. I have seen some pretty nasty people who were married. Treating each other like crap. I see 2 people treating each other that way, and I wonder why the hell they got married or stay married ? Why they think that makes them superior to anyone else, I’ll never know.
In this incarnation of dating, I’ve learned to let go of the ones who aren’t into me quickly, not hop into bed not knowing where the relationship is heading, how to weed out the players. How to compartmentalize my emotions, and I think due to declining hormones and mother nature, the few disappointments when I’m rejected, that feeling passes rather quickly. Instead, it has been replaced with an overall feeling of disappointment of still being alone after all my searching. Not pining away in unrequited love for one particular man.
One thing I need to work on, is how much of a “chance” do I give to someone who seems to be into me, is attentive, treats me well. etc;. if I’m not particularly attracted. I don’t want blow such a person off immediately, nor do I want to lead them on, if that attraction is never going to materialize. Trying to find the fine line between not giving a guy a chance and leading him on is tough. Men aren’t expected to do this. They can make an instant judgement and that’s considered OK because men are “visual”. Actually, I am OK with that, I don’t want to be with a man who “settled” for me, or had to convince himself to be attracted to me.
I did enter into a relationship, where I did manage to muster up some feelings of attraction, based on how well he treated me, but it was a rather fragile attraction. I ended up hurting him. Believer it or not, I HATE hurting someone as much as I HATE being hurt.
I don’t really want instant fireworks attraction (too judgement clouding) but JEEZ, I don’t want to be cringing and wincing either. Or even just tolerating physical attention that doesn’t particularly nauseate me, but doesn’t turn me on either. But I suppose for someone who is 50+, I should just settle for any guy who wants me, regardless of how I feel, or else I am defective.
Li-Anne says
First of all – Evan, I just wanted to say that I’ve really enjoyed reading your site. A lot of what you have written is not only well written but makes a great deal of sense.
I do have to wholeheartedly agree with and confirm what was just written by Susan and “singleinnewyorkcity”. I have the past 10 – 15 years of experience to go by. My experience, and that of several of my close friends, agrees with everything they have written. We all share the experience of finding that through our 30s up to 40s we simply do not get asked out. We’re all slim, educated, good jobs, pleasant, etc. It makes no difference. We all have a big social network – but any men out there seem to be already attached.
In fact, when I do get approached, it has often been a married guy hoping for a fling on the side. I do get approached by men more frequently than my friends – (they think it is because I’m big busted) – but that is of absolutely ZERO help in terms of getting a serious relationship. The nicest men all seem to already have someone in their life. The ones who do find the courage to ask me out are all either wanting a night stand, no strings attached sex, or have an affair. I’m no further ahead.
As for asking men out – I again agree with the above comments. Perhaps you don’t feel like that – but the vast majority of men lose interest or respect you less once you ask them out. This gets you nowhere – suddenly the men think you are desperate, or you wouldn’t have to ask. They might go out with you, but then you are back to square one as they just think it will be free sex. Since they don’t respect you, they don’t feel you are “special” enough to commit to. I asked some of my male friends about this and they all confirmed that they feel that the best looking women don’t need to ask for dates. And since men are unfortunately generally initially only focused on looks – they don’t want to go with a woman they feel has no options. I wish things were different, but as you’ve written elsewhere on this site – that is just the way it is.
I’m seriously confused by all this. At this point – the rejection is really difficult to take. Life is too short to spend it feeling miserable. I’m really starting to think that it is just a numbers game – there are so many more women out there looking for a serious relationship than there are men. Sure – there are some men who want to get married, but it as if they are “snapped” up right away like some kind of competition. They feel they can afford to be choosy. That’s probably what makes men who are, as described in the previous comments, “twos to fives”, who think they can still get a woman who is a perfect “ten”.
Elizabeth says
I completely agree with what you have written Li-Anne. I ´m 34, slim, nice looking, I have a job and live in my own place. Unfortunately, I have experienced the same as you: On- line dating, in particular I only see old guys like grandfathers looking for young women, so I would like someone around my age, not that old and I don ´t think I am asking too much. I have asked out twice in my life, and they really loose respect for you and only consider you in a sexual way. Finally, i have been asked out lately but for married guys or guys who already have a girlfriend, clearly they are looking for sex as well. I don ´t want to settle with a guy that I don ´t really like or that I don ´t admire at all…
omegle721 says
LOL. At 34? Game’s over. And BTW, you will settle. For a different species- a cat. You overplayed your hand. BTW, if you were nice looking and had a good personality, you would have a great guy. Sorry, delusion has an awful price.
Henriette says
I call bullsh*t on your comment, @omegle. However, I hope it makes you feel better about yourself to come on this site and write unpleasant, untrue things.
Buck25 says
@omegle721,
That crack of yours in 4.1.1 was completely uncalled for, mean-sprited, and downright ugly. Nothing’s been said, especially by the poster you responded to, to warrant that. Let me introduce you to a new word- “empathy”. Go look it up, if you don’t know what it means, then see if you can manage to have just a little of it-yes, for women too; the dating /mating game isn’t so much a cakewalk for most of them either.
Kc says
Omegle721, why are you on this site?
to ridicule and criticize women who are looking for real love?
Why would you say something so mean as tell her she must have a bad personality or not be good looking?
Try being kind and considerate once in a while. It will do you wonders.
Gene says
@omegle721 I suspect deep trauma or hurt in your past. Perhaps from a beautiful, successful, active woman who rejected you once? And you find nothing more satisfying than making women everywhere feel the way that you did. Am I wrong?
Evan Marc Katz says
I want to thank Susan, Single and Li-Anne for giving it to me straight. I’m a big boy. I can take it. Still, I want to respond to a few points in as brief a fashion as I’m capable of.
1) Asking men out – I didn’t mean going up to a guy in a bar and saying, “Hey, big boy, buy me a drink.” And I do agree that in “real life” men who are interested will show their interest. But online, when there are thousands and thousands of options, I am positive that a woman is well-served to take her love life into her own hands by saying hi to a guy. The best relationships I’ve ever had online were from women who wrote to me first. My point was simply this: if you’re not writing to men, you should be. And if you are writing to them and getting no replies, ask yourself if you’re doing all you can to maximize your chances. Do have a great photo, essay, and email technique? If not, there are resources for you at https://www.evanmarckatz.com that can give you an edge.
2) It’s very important for me if you get this next part: Contrary to what Susan said, I do understand women in their 40’s. I know, I’m a 35 year old single guy, blahblahblah. But you know who the majority of my clients are? Women 38-55. So believe me when I tell you that I know all the stories. I feel all the pain. And I couldn’t be more sympathetic.
Which makes this next fact seem even more unsympathetic.
Neither you nor I can do ANYTHING about “men”. Which is why I see little to no value in putting any blame on them for all of their faults. I agree that men can be shallow and clueless and selfish and all of the other accusations leveled at them. So what? What are you going to do IN SPITE of that?
THAT is what my article – and my entire blog, for that matter – is all about. Acting in spite of the frustration, in spite of the pain, in spite of the rejection. Men are pigs. Men are shallow. Men don’t value me. It’s not fair, it’s not right, it just IS. I’m not saying that you’re wrong. I’m saying that your only choice is to find the men who are NOT that way. And I can assure you that a negative attitude about men and dating is NOT the way to attract that rare special guy who does exist in the universe.
And, controversial though it might be, there ARE decent men who are looking for a serious relationship. You know how I know? Because they’re the REST of my clients. People don’t pay two grand for a dating coach if they just want to get laid.
To sum up, I’m not placing the blame on women for being single. That would be too simplistic. I’m saying that the only person you can change is YOU. Are you going to be a victim, or are you going to be an inspiration who refuses to give up? I know what I want to be.
Two other points before we wrap up here.
1) The reason it sometimes seems I’m “picking on” women is because women are the ones who write 95% of the emails to me. If men wrote me any questions, I can assure you, they’d be similarly introduced to the same harsh reality. Which is why…
2) I’m going to be writing a long blog post about shallow men, because they’re the primary cause of all of these problems.
Keep reading. Keep writing. Keep the faith.
Much love,
Evan
Almost40Girl says
The problem is, these women aren’t saying that the answer is that men need to change (more venting frustrations that no one tells them to, while women are constantly improving themselves). The problem, Evan, is that you are repeating this mantra that the woman must have something wrong with her or must be doing something wrong – which is very helpful to those who DO date different types, races, ages, people with varying incomes, and still haven’t had the right luck. It beats up on a group that already feels alone. I think there’s a way to give advice without necessarily assuming people aren’t working their hardest to find love. It gives me fatigue to date, and I am a kind person with hobbies who seeks the same, if I can get a guy to talk about himself a little. You mention that men are paying you to find them matches, but they might have standards that are much less realistic than the women, which is why they haven’t met anyone. You can still give gentle advice without piling on the blame.
Almost40Girl says
Sorry, I meant, NOT very helpful to women who are doing all those things.
HeatherF says
Evan, love what u said so much! Thank you. 🙂
Kc says
Nice post Evan. I found it through google because I am struggling too with this issue at 51. So is my close friend at 53.
THERE is a special group of men and women with… Good looking good personalities smart talented. That seems to be a big part. When your EQ is much higher than most of the men you meet, it is hard to find someone. To be gifted, you are looking for other gifted people and the percentages for both are smaller.
I believein fate. I have no idea why God has had me have a very difficult matching time in this life. My first love was so great, Wonderful. and nobody seems to come close to the connection and trust that I had with him at 16. Then he died soon afterwards. Car accident. I met and married later but it turned out he had abuse tendencies from his family of origin. Then,it is hard to trust now. I am open to meeting someone else, but had a lot of fear about that, that I am trying to get over. Trying to be strong. Fear of being disappointed again.
Sometines I feel like there is some strange lesson in this life. Why would my 3 siblings find happy marriages and I haven’t. I get jealous but I need to let that go.
Tried online dating. Didn’t like anyone. I know what real love feels like and there was nobody I even wanted to go on a date with.
Also I need to date sober people which makes it much harder. I did fall in love with someone, but his alcoholism made that impossible. .. more heartbreak…
why? Why? Why?
Why does it have to be so hard sometimes? There are many intelligent and sexy people who just can’t seem to come across that special person. And do NOT want to compromise. I think listening to your gut and heart and head is important.
I believe love does come along. I HOPE it will come along. Eventually.
Until then, just enjoying the day and the dear people in my life. I have accepted that I might never meet anyone, though I really do believe someone special will pop up soon but if they don’t, I am alright with that, I have to be. Accept life on life”s terms. I love being in a relationship with someone I love, but being single isn’t all that bad either. On a good day. And hopefully I will learn how to accept the lonely melancholy moments as well. 🙂
Best, Kate
Sam says
Susan,
You have the right to be bitter, but don’t give up on online dating. You seem great. If I read your profile online (and we were age compatible), I’d ask you out. If I saw you at a museum, reading, or art event I might check you out, but I wouldn’t know what an interesting person you were and I wouldn’t know that you were child free.
JimmyE says
As Evan said, he doesn’t know Lauren, he only knows what Lauren writes about herself. Consequently, he can’t tell her anything about her dating habits which she might not be aware of.
My advice-
One day when you’re feeling good about yourself, ask a friend why they think you’ve been unsuccessful so far in your search. Stress that you’re not looking for validation, or a magic bullet, and don’t try to argue with them and dispute their observations. Try asking men, try asking people who aren’t your closest friends, you might get a more honest answer.
Mike says
Hey Jimmy,
Great advice. Getting a different perspective from someone who loves and respects you and will provide hones feedback can be extremely enlightening. Remember though…you are looking for a different perspective not someone that just tell you that you are wonderful and validates your current perspective.
Another approach I try to take when faced with similar issues is asking myself! I pour myself a nice glass of wine with a pen and paper in hand and an open mind and start try to come up with 1 to 3 reasons why I am still single. Not why I am amazing and how it is someone else’s fault.
I can almost always come up with something and I find it very liberating and a productive platform for taking action. If I don’t come up with something I am usually a little disappointed at my lack of creativity, awareness and intuitiveness. Then I laugh at myself and say…”hey maybe that’s it!”. 🙂
Ask others…ask yourself…and don’t accept the status quo as an answer. You are single for a reason. And so am I. The difference is I at least have a clue at how this could be possible and I certainly don’t blame it on women.
People can be shallow (both men and women). I agree. But that is not why you are single. That’s like blaming the sky for being blue.
If you don’t have a clue…perhaps therein lies the problem.
Good luck!
Michael
Diane says
Men are physical, women are emotional, how they find a connection beats me. Men just focus on sex and women are coerced into submitting to that because there isn’t really much option. They say men find love through sex and women find sex through love. Well to me that is like the chicken and the egg quandary – which comes first? Most men aren’t looking to even date now – they don’t have to. They can get sex so easily. Yes there is a few but they have so much choice because so many women are after the decent men who will treat them with respect it must feel like they have won the lottery!
lyric says
I feel for you ladies because I too am going through a similar situation. There are times when I feel so tired and sorry for myself. Good thing is that I’d just sleep on it and when tomorrow comes, I’m up and about and back on track. Harmless flirting online or not is fun! Actually I try not to make this (looking for a partner) a “problem”. I refuse to be pressured by it because it’ll take away all the fun that goes with it. I keep in mind that this is not the only thing that matters. I’m also slowly conditioning myself to accept the possibility of me not getting married.
I know that everything has a reason so if by any chance I will stay single it’s because someone up there needs me for something else. But right now while we are still desirable ladies (Susan, singleinNYC, Li-Anne) like what Evan says, we are going to be an inspiration who refuses to give up!!:)
Judy says
I think we always worry about getting married and settling down too much. Of course everyone thinks about it, and at a certain point, we all want that “special someone” but I’ve found that when you AREN’T looking for something serious, it just tend to fall into your lap. I just recently read this great book called “Lessons About Life Mamma Never Taught Us” about all the trials and tribulations that three generations of women have gone through (and the oldest is not married, and still completely happy with life). Just don’t let you relationships define you… Define Yourself!!!
http://www.happyabout.info/lessons-about-life.php
JB says
For every woman that tells us about her “situation” that exists like this, there’s a man somewhere that feels the same way and is in the same situation. Like Evan said he just doesn’t write in to complai…..I mean
tell him/us about it. Evan’s always quick to point out all of men’s so called “faults” for the ladies on here. Both men AND women have faults.
It’s impossible to judge why someone can’t find a relationship unless you really know a lot about them. The way they look,thier personality,issues etc……..
Shari says
I know Evan has written against this in the past, but when I got tired of the online dating guys I’d been meeting I changed my parameters, I decided to not limit myself to someone within a 50 mile radius of where I lived. Who’s to say that true love is within a certain distance? I knew I didn’t want to look outside the US but I figured to open myself to the entire country, not this little portion of it. What happened is a guy, online, saw my photo and wrote me the sweetest e-mail about how he’d love to get to know me better but we’re too far away – 1100 miles apart. I thought it might be a line at first, something he threw at everyone. But the more we corresponded, the more I realized he was for real. I can see the difficulties in a long distance relationship, but I think if it’s approached with the right state of mind, it can work. But both have to understand what it means and be okay with the limitations, allow things to move slowly because letting it run rampant only causes more frustrations, and maybe most importantly, be open to relocation if anything serious develops.
Evan, you wrote about a long distance romance that for you, turned into a long distance one night stand. Thing is, anything can turn into a one night stand, even that guy who lives a block away could do that to me. I think the danger in having that happen is not taking time to know who you’re dealing with before taking major steps to become serious. But maybe opening oneself to something that doesn’t fit the mold as far as distance goes, could make a difference as much as going outside the box in looks, income or education. It did for me.
Erika says
Ok, here’s my story. I live in Los Angeles, I’m 37 and I have no problem getting dates. I’m single, smart, and cute, but I wouldn’t consider myself a 9 or 10. An 8, perhaps. At one point I was on four online dating sites (Nerve, Match, Yahoo, and OkCupid).
Here are my stats:
This is over an 18 month period:
33 men
54+ dates
16 men I only went on one date with
10 men I went on two dates with
2 men I went on three dates with
1 man four dates
3 men I dated for two months or more
I’ve dated all kinds: Asian, Latino, African-American, Caucasian, etc. Bald, shorter than me, one had kids, several had dogs. All had decent jobs (except for one struggling actor. I do live in LA, after all!)
Currently I am dating someone I met on OkCupid. We have been dating for 2 months. It’s promising.
Of those 33, I would say there were 8-10 with whom I had chemistry, but compatibility was an issue, and four of them were not looking for a relationship.
Of all of those dates, only 2 of those men were actual losers. The rest were good, decent men. Sometimes they liked me but I didn’t like them, sometimes I liked them but they didn’t like me…
So I have to agree with Evan. There are really good men out there. I know at least 31 of them! A few of them I now consider to be good friends.
Some of them contacted me, and others I contacted on my own. I used headlines such as these:
“Prone to sudden, ferocious crushes”
“Breaking hearts, taking prisoners”
“Now with 100% more moxie”
“Please, try to keep up”
“Putting the rarin’ back in librarian”
Here are some of the email subject lines I’ve used:
“Cat Got Your Tongue?”
“I’m suitably impressed. Commence wooing!”
“Go on–wink at me! I give great email.”
The thing is, you actually have to think about your profile and what you write in your emails.
The old saying is right: Garbage in=garbage out. You only get out of it what you put into it. If you make a half-hearted effort, take shortcuts, or get lazy, you’re only going to get similar results.
BraindEd says
Amazing! I try hard on those same sites. Had a girlfriend for 4 yrs whom I met IRL. And have had, max 2 dates every year in about 8 years from online dating, each time only one date. Count your blessings, Erika. and better meeting IRL. IMHO.
Marika says
I think this post (and probably your comment) are a million years old, but I love, love, love your one liners!! Thank you.
My personal favourite is: I’m suitably impressed. Commence wooing. Haha. Awesome!
Are you happily married to your beau from OKC now, Erika? 🙂
singleinnewyorkcity says
i hear you Evan on the “all you can do is change yourself” . I just feel that women are always pressured into compromising! why can’t we have high standards? why can’t we demand certain things from men? i think if more women DIDN’T comprimise we wouldn’t have the shallow delusional men that exist today. HAVE STANDARDS FOR YOURSELF LADIES AND STOP LOWERING THEM!
Jon s says
Collectively you all want Brad Pitt but theirs only one of him so keep wishing…and keep whining.
Married1stat37 says
Amen. Women hold the “key” Instant gratification will only get you so far…
Evan Marc Katz says
Hey Single,
It’s not about demanding that the world change to meet your needs; it’s about changing to accommodate the realities of the world. You’d prefer to live in fantasy-land where women actually change men. Sorry, darlin’…not on my blog.
Ben Franklin said it best: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.
So have your high standards. Demand things from men. Never compromise.
You don’t need me to tell you where that’ll leave you.
With love,
Evan
josephine says
A lot of serious over-analysis here, when really it’s all very simple. What this discussion does show is that everyone has different approaches and views on the problem at hand. This is why understanding between two people in a relationship is so important. Life can’t dictate when and how you’re meant to meet the ‘right’ person, with whom you share a mutual understanding and view on life. When you do meet ‘the one’ everything naturally falls into place and it’s easy – no questions, you just know. You can’t necessarily find this person when shopping on dating websites! The trick is to live your life and remain open to possibilities and opportunities, and the right man will be drawn to you regardless of your age etc.
Chris says
You are wise Josephine…..very true. We are in proximity to potential mates every day out in society but we’re not always thinking this way. Dating is a numbers game. As a 45 y/o single male I will say women are pretty darn elusive…getting dates sure isnt easy. But its a numbers game, just get out in society, meet as many people as you can, date as many as you can and it should happen. Its a shame this dating thing is so hard….
Maria Almudena says
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is not the definition of insanity. It’s the definition of practice.
JimmyE says
To Single,
If men are “delusional” then presumably it doesn’t matter what women do. Men will go on seeking out their unrealistic fantasies despite endless rejection and disappointment. How do you expect men’s behaviour would change if you managed to enforce this “women’s cartel” in dating?
Also, whenever men and women talk about how much harder their sex has it, I’m inclined to wonder- How do you know?. We spend our whole lives on one side of the dating fence, yet few of us seem to stop to wonder if this makes us a touch myopic when it comes to analysing differences between the sexes.
Sam says
“Also, whenever men and women talk about how much harder their sex has it,”
Neither side has it harder. There’s an enormous amount of overlap in dating ease. How many options you have depends on your career, your looks, your intelligence, and your social skills. You hear less about lonely women, but since G’d/nature makes equal numbers of men and women, for every lonely woman there’s a lonely man.
Know how 10% of the population has about 90% of the wealth? I think male dating works similarly. My theory is that the top 20% of men account for about 80% of all dating/sex. This guys, they might as well be called studs, are the ones who take women out, have sex with them, and don’t call back. These are the guys who don’t want to commit. These are the ones who give all men a bad name. These guys are far, far from a majority of the male population, but they account for a majority of the dating and thus create a lot of disappointed/embittered women.
Log says
Sam’s theory is very much acceptable.
BraindEd says
This is very much the “animalistic mate selection process” at work. humanity has not evolved much, in other words. Women are the toll keepers of evolution but constantly select out the worst of the menu because it is erotic.
Kc says
Not always true. Many women don’t find those ‘studs’ attractive. And many of the guys don’t find the ‘hot chicks’ attractive either. It’s unique to personality.
Not all girls want a hot muscley guy and vice versa.
When Seth Rogen was chubby I had an argument with a male friend who couldn’t believe women would find him cute. Of course they would he is adorable and funny.
Jen from NYC says
Okay, I am addicted to this site. Evan can I become the spokes woman for internet dating success? Can’t hurt to ask. You know, I read this post and it all I can think about it how I felt going to every one of my girlfriend’s weddings, single. It made me think of the fact that I suggested and encouraged every one of my friends to try Internet dating and they succeeded with in one or two dates where it took me five years to find one great guy. But let me not digress, as I have already posted my story on a prior entry. So, with all that said, Lauren, I feel for you. Gd do I know what it is like to hear over and over again…
“When you least expect it!” I fucking hated people for saying that, especially married people. I agree with Evan. Nothing in life happens when you least expect it execept for maybe cancer and car accidents. Even someone who suffers a massive heart attack must have some prior knowledge that they were in poor health or living an unhealthy life style. My point is that I have learned that nothing, especially dating comes easy or just comes into your life with out a little blood, sweat, and yes, tears.
It sucks but you have to put in the time. That time is dating and dating, and dating some more. Do you have the time for me to tell you how many men I met on Jdate and the awful, extremely awful experience I had when I went to a Jewish Match Maker in New York City? (Shoshann’as Matches). I laughed and I cried becaise I though it was a joke that dating was this hard. Then, I just stopped. I didn’t stop dating, but I stopped complaining and I opened my eyes to the fact that I needed to be very aware of who I was chosing to meet and became exrtremely choosy about the guys I agreed to go on dates with. That was one step. (I balled out my match maker after setting me up on 6 of the 10 dates I was promised. I realized it really does take someone speacial to find someone else’s b-shert, and that someone was me! Not some Jewish girl out to make a buck.) Step two was continuing to do all the work on myself in therapy that I had been doing for the past few years. You know you really will not find the right guy until you really know yourself. Talk about cliché, but it is so true. My therapist and I always talk about the fact that who I was when I first stepped into her office was not the woman I am today. I worked hard to grow and learn about myself and also recognize what I needed and wanted for myself, and not what others think I needed. (In relation to men that is.) Lastly, and this is the corniest of all, I actually started telling myself on a daily basis that I will find my true love and how ever long it takes, I am willing to wait because I know he is out there..” But let me just say, that with saying this, I was still doing Internet dating and getting set up on blind dates, but I finally let go of all the bullshit of beleiving he will find me, or we will bump into each other in the grocery store. Please, I was single in New York City and the amount of single Jewish men is astouding and I not ONCE met a single guy on happenstance. Basically I am saying a lot of it has to do with attitude and once you can free yourself from thinking “Why can’t I meet anyone?” and start thinking “I will meet someone,” you truly will be alone. All of those motivational speakers have a point; what you put out there is what you will get back.
Lastly, and I know I talk A LOT, let me just end by saying that you will continue to meet guys you are not interested and guys who want perfection, and guys who just suck. Again, give me two hours I will go down the lirst with you about how many men I met who told me I was pretty, but not skinny enough. Or my favorite, “You are so fun to talk to. I never had a real conversation with a girl before.” And lastly, the assholes who literally asked me if they could come home with me to have sex when they knew date #2 was not going to happen. Hey, I have to give them props for trying. But seriously, cut men some slack. There are truly wonderful men out there who do not represent all the other disasters you had to meet. I used to get angry after a date did not go well or the guy was a loser, but than I realized, somewhere out there is the guy who will just get me. And love me. And be mine. It took me 5 years….let me say it again. 5 years of dating and I found a great man! Granted, I am 31 so I am not making a comparison, but for all I know, had I not changed my attitude, I would be 41 And still single. Just remember love is not about being compatible on all levels, but many levels. And the guy you think you are going to wind up with, will not be that one at all. I can guarantee that I would have not dated my current boyfriend three years ago but I think Gd every day that I did meet him at 31 and have the sense and instincts to have known that this man was for me! Good luck. Jen
Lia says
I liked your post Jen! Very encouraging! I’ve been dating 1.5 years and I think I became quite good at it, and more than that, I grew a lot as a person and I can say I found peace in general. I know I’ll find someone eventually, so I stopped worrying about it. Just keep dating. I’m much older than you (42), granted, but it is going to happen. After half a year of learning my way through, I started to meet only generally good men. They all had various issues that didn’t make them relationship material, or maybe they were not into me enough, or whatever else didn’t work out, but they are good men nevertheless. That gives me hope that one will eventually be a match.
Jen from NYC says
One last thing. I am an LMSW practicing in NYC which is why I tend to have a lot to say about these things. I am not some crazy girl rambling on pretending be a therapist on here, I do have some credentials! 🙂
Callebaut says
I have been reading this blog for several weeks and it has helped me realize that while I thought my friends and I were the only ones in this boat, there are literally thousands of age 40+ (35+?) women in this situation. Given how few single men I know, and I work at a company that’s over 80 percent male, what are really the chances that one of us will meet someone for a long-term relationship, let alone get married/re-married? You can keep a positive attitude until you’re blue in the face but that doesn’t make any age appropriate, single men show up at your friend’s party or will sit next to you at a baseball game. But as my friends say, maybe, I’m just not desperate enough. To Sam who said that 20 percent of the single men account for 80 percent of the dates, I would ask, where are the other 80 percent?
Log says
The other 80% (men and women) is usually around but invisible because everyone is attracted to the “happening” 20%.
lorelei says
What’s a b-shert?
Buck25 says
lorelei,
B’shert” is a Yiddish term; as I recall, it means something like “soulmate”. Evan or anyone else here who’s more familiar with Jewish culture can chime in if I’ve got it wrong. 🙂
LS says
Hi all,
Been through all that and more. I have been dating on the net for 4 years now. I’m 51 years old so to the girls who think it’s hard at 30-40 – think again. Although, I have had 397 dates so far and still dating. I will continue to date until I find a suitable long-term partner.
Firstly I had to learn that dating had changed and the world I knew was a thing of the past. What I did learn was that men in essence hadn’t changed but what needed to change was my approach to them.
These are some of the things I discovered for myself. The key indicator – “Attraction”
And that’s on both sides. If it’s not there moving heaven and earth won’t change anything. To read profiles and e-mails more closely. Also to state my intentions clearly in my profile without being harsh. To both write and to respond to those who wrote to me. There are ways people write, that tell you all you need to know. If his looking for a woman 30 to 35 and his 55 that tells me his maturity level instantly. If sex is all he wants well guess what – next and many more.
I will keep looking and dating until I find the one for me.
singleinnewyorkcity says
Evan
I’m just using this as an example (so don’t take this literally!!)…..Say there was a world out there made up of single Evan Katz, and three other single ladies. Everyone is hetero and looking for a relationship but there is only one Evan! 🙁 So the women start lowering their standards and doing things they ordinarily wouldn’t do to capture your attention. If that were the case wouldn’t you then change the way you acted – maybe you wouldn’t call them as often, or call them at the last minute..,etc. You even said yourself ” I agree that men can be shallow and clueless and selfish and all of the other accusations leveled at them.” But what if one day all these girls stopped calling you, pursuing you or doing whatever they did before. Wouldn’t you then change the way you acted towards them? I’m just saying that even the nicest guy can act like an ass if he feels that he doesn’t have to “work” hard to get a girl. If women had high standards and made guys work they wouldn’t act the way they do…thats all. Yes I know at the end of this little scenrio there would be two single gals…but at least they would have their dignity. Do you not agree?
Sam says
“To Sam who said that 20 percent of the single men account for 80 percent of the dates, I would ask, where are the other 80 percent?”
I do have some evidence for my theory, other than my anecdotal musings. According to this article, American men _claim_ that they have a median of 7 sex partners in a lifetime. ( “The Myth, the Math, the Sex “)
Seven sex partners really isn’t that many, and the true median number may be slightly lower. Yet everyone knows or knows of men who sleep with 20, 30, 40 women a year. Jack Nicholson believably claims to have slept with 2,000 women.
The number of sex partners that women have must mathematically be equal to the number of sex partners that men have, but if some men are having dozens, hundreds, or even thousands of partners, that means that many men are never or seldom ever having sex. Jack Nicholson alone accounts for the sexual careers of 285 men.
Jack Nicholson isn’t typical, but there are lots of studs who have dozens of partners. These guys aren’t average, but they account for the majority of dating, and thus give women an inaccurate impression of how the median man behaves.
As for where the other 80% are, I can only speak for myself, but I was online, on two niche dating sites.
Sam says
I messed up the format, the url for the article I mentioned is:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/12/weekinreview/12kolata.html
JB says
To Callebaut who said “there are literally thousands of age 40+ (35+?) women in this situation”
There is an equal amount of men & women in this “situation” believe me. Where’s the data that says there’s more single women than men of any given age group ? I think I remember reading once that there’s 2.5 single women for every man. Is that for the U.S. or any given state, or planet Earth ??? Who knows ??? All I know is that everywhere I am like online dating sites,singles events, bars, restaurants etc. there’s more men than women. Except the mall ….lol there’s more women there ! 😉
To Jen: I think the point Sam was trying to make was theoretically the other 80% wouldn’t be “dateable” to most women, or they’ve given up and stopped persuing women, or they would make you go “Ewww”, or maybe they just don’t desire to be married or especially remarried.
I’m wondering if the top 20% women do all the dating as well ??
I know the stats point out on most online dating websites the top percentage of attractive women obviously get the 200 or 300 responses while mid level or lower level get much fewer. So who do you think has more options ??
Jen from NYC says
I wanted to comment back. First, b’shert means your soul mate in Yiddish. In fact, I wanted to share with you that I used to attend this Torah class on the Upper East Side in NYC (I am a reform-conservatie Jew who is very spiritual) and it was led each Tuesday night by a well-known orthodoz Rebbitzen (that is a Rabbi’s wife). When I was not tuning out the sermon about being Kosher or keeping the Sabbath, I did pay very close attention this Rabbi’s wife because she spoke with so much knowledge about love and relationships. Let me add she has to be in her 70’s, and one would think from another generation being religious, all together. But there I was, this late 20’s single, Jewish girl listening to words that touched my heart and have forever stayed in my head. This is what she said, repeatidly: “We have parents and friends who are always there for us and help us make some of the most important decisions in our lives. Like where to go to college, what house to buy, teaching us about manners, and how to become a respectable person. But when it comes to the one single most important decision we will ever make, chosing a signifigant other, most of us are on our own.”
Those words never left me through all my years of dating as I realized I really was alone and that my parents, sister, and closest friends were not sitting by my side to guide me or even pull me in the other direction when it came to love. There is so much truth in those words that I believe this is another reason we feel so alone when we are singe. It is really all up to us.
Anyway, I also wanted to comment back about the idea that woman have to eventually “settle.” You know, I always thoguht I would find the perfect guy who met ALL the criteria on my list of “THE PERFECT GUY.’ Yeah, it never happend and as I got older and dated more, I realized that it was not about settling when it comes to dating, but about “Does this guy meet most of the important criteria on my list of the man I want to make a life with?” Yes, and of couse physical and sexual attraction. There are no exceptions to that one. So, for those ladies who think that you eventually have to settle, well, yeah you do. You have to settle your mind and your heart and recognize no man on this planet will be perfect for you. There will always be one or two things that bother you or you wish you could change. Take a long hard look at yourself, because you will recognize there are some things you would like to change about you as well which makes it more accpetable to accept a man with flaws.
My current boyfriend, whom I am pretty damn sure will be my future husband and the father of my children is so not the guy I thought I would settle down with, but he is the guy I wanted and needed to settle down with. He is handsome and humble, but I will be honest, a little dorkier than the guys I have dated in the past. He was never mister cool, but he is the coolest man I have ever known and loved. We have a wonderfuly honest relationship and we compliment each other on so many levels, but there are a few things that I know he is better with, as the same with me. It works. I didnt settle, I settled down and stopped wishing for the perfect man to rescue me and live happily ever after. I wish I could instill in every lonely and frustrated single woman that he is out there. I spent more nights than I would like to recall crying, and angry and bitter. And rightfully so. But eventually I accepted that most men were not for me, and that it was the few that could be potential that I had to keep my eyes and heart open for. You feel it. You just know when it is happening, and that is not on the first, second, or third date. It is when you get to date #22 and you dont even remember how you got there. It is all just so natural and you laugh and cry about how long it took you to meet that person, but how phenominally grateful and blessed you feel when it happens. Sometimes when love comes easy, it also goes just as easy. Nothing great is easy.
Jen from NYC says
I wanted to comment back to singleinnewyorkcity. You wrote:
“I’m just saying that even the nicest guy can act like an ass if he feels that he doesn’t have to “work” hard to get a girl. If women had high standards and made guys work they wouldn’t act the way they do…thats all.”
Let me just laugh. Not at you because there is some truth to that, but my boyfirend tells me all of the time that when a guy likes a girl, really likes a girl, he does do all the work. When you meet the guy who is totally into you and see’s a future with you, he will call you, pursue you, and do all the things we know guys are supposed to do. Us girls are not that dumb and we know that when the guy is treating us like sloppy seconds, we are just sloppy seconds. It is the hardest thing to come to terms with and admit, but hey even I wanted a guy to like me so much I told him I was never interested in getting married when I damn well knew I wanted to be married and make a life with a man. I said it because I wanted him to like me more. I said it because I wanted him to date me and love me. Funny enough, I stopped seeign him (okay sleeping with him) and he went back to his ex-girlfriend 2x in the time we were seeing each other, got married to her, and 9 months later, anulled. Justice served, but here I was chasing this guy and letting him have his cake and eat it too, and in the end he did get married. But not to me. (Thank Gd.)
So my point is, girls do have high standards but then they lower them because all they want is a guy to love them. In the end, it is the girl, not the guy who is the ass. Don’t you think? How can you blame these guys for getting a piece of ass when these girls are so niave to lower their standards when they know in their hearts that the guy is not really interested in something substantial? Women do not have to make a man work at getting them, when it is right, like I said above, the guy will climb mountains for you with out you having to ask.
JimmyE says
To single.
Here is the problem with your analogy. There are not three girls for every Evan Marc Katz in the real world. The ratio of guys to girls is 1:1. Even when you take into account people who are gay or choose to remain celibate, it doesn’t take a genius to realise that no sex can have the upper hand over the other.
Of course if all women made a pact to stop doing certain things to please men, then we’d have no choice but to accept it. But equally, all men could make a pact to stop paying for dinner etc.
Almost40Girl says
I know very few women who go on dates just to get a dinner. No one wastes that kind of time. It’s a myth.
downtowngal says
JB, you’re right to call on that erroneous stat of “2.5 women for every man” – or something like that – often quoted for NYC, and by hosts of other dating blogs. I remember checking the 2000 US census figures – which breaks single (divorced, nomarried) people out by age group – it’s fairly even between genders up until age 55 or so. The more recent census doesn’t break it down by age, yet the media quotes that there are more single women than men in NYC – but this figure includes single gals in their 30’s along with widows in their 70’s.
I hate how the media uses scare tactics to sell magazine covers . Lots of intelligent comments on this blog – keep it up!
Callebaut says
There may be an equal number of men and women in the US under the age of 55 but are there an equal number of single, educated, successful professionals who are looking to date someone who is there own age between the ages of say 40 and 55? My guess is no.
A beatiful woman says
A little off topic, but I hate when people write “I’ve been told I am attractive”. It makes the person seem unattractive, especially since they can’t say that they are themselves. Probably her problem, she doesn’t find herself attractive, therefore others don’t.
Ladies, If you know you look good, say it, and mean it!
downtowngal says
Women generally are not as self-promoting as men, particularly in public, so it’s understandable why she didn’t write, ‘I know I’m hot’. I don’t think it indicates that she has any type of ‘problem’.
val says
Sigh…”i know im hot”is such an extreme phrase..your point does not hold water. If she doesnt think she is attractive, no one will.
Oldergal says
As someone who looked for over 10 years and FINALLY found the man of her dreams after age 50, I have to tell you, Evan is right – it is like a job hunt and requires a lot of work. The trouble is, it also requires a fair amount of intestinal fortitude and sometimes a thick skin to get through the process. You probably needs good friends, a good therapist and faith in some sort of divine power in order to believe that you will find a man – but he is findable and I am living proof. I am a doctor and an intellectual and brighter and more accomplished than most men. I had to have a man who was very bright and accomplished in his own right. I don’t have a perfect body and probably wouldn’t be interested in a man who was interested only in that anyway. I found an amazing research scientist who is loving, kind and a wonderful step-dad to my kids. We will marry this year and have integrated our families beautifully. It hasn’t been all wonderful – my fiance has had a heart attack and cancer in the last three years while we’ve been together, but being with him and facing life together is the most wonderful blessing ever.
If you really want a man, it will be like finding that one-in-a-million job. You have to search – you have to interview a lot (kiss frogs who don’t turn into princes) and be willing to compromise on the unimportant things (my sweetie is 1/2″ shorter than me and chubby – some women wouldn’t give him a second look – lucky for me!!) He’s also spent a lot of time in science labs so he’s not buff and doesn’t walk as fast as he used to due to some arthritis in his knees, but can carry on conversations about a myriad of fascinating subjects, loves me and my kids wonderfully and is the more honest, decent person I’ve ever known. I could go on and on…
Anyway, the moral of the story is, keep looking. If a guy is stupid or superficial – move on fast. If he’s “between jobs” or underemployed – keep moving too, not because you need to be supported but you need to find someone who is mature and independent. If he’s narcissistic and talks only about himself, he’s not the only guy around. If he doesn’t call, just keep moving – who knows why, but it’s not about you. However, if he’s geeky and works hard and a little overweight – look again. If he isn’t the greatest dresser or drives an older car, reconsider – he may be banking that money or paying his child support rather than spending money on depreciating assets, which is a good thing. It’s hard work to find the love of your life – but well worth the effort! By the way, why is she reading this, you might ask? I receive Evan’s newsletter since he helped me write my profile 4 years ago. I had a slow minute at the office and was checking my e-mail. Just wanted to be an inspiration to others!
bren says
This is more of a generalized comment rather than to any specific post. While I understand it is in our nature to want to be loved and have that deep intimate connection with someone else that extends beyond friendship, I have to stop and ask myself why does having a man in our lives somehow make us complete? Am I not a whole, wonderful person on my own? What is it about this desire for relationships that many great, wonderful, successful kind and intelligent women think that for some reason they are less, regardless of age, just because they have never been married or found “the one”. I am by no means promoting anti-man, anti-relationship or anti-anything, but rather trying to point out that regardless of how busy your schedule is, how many friends you have, and your successful career and good looks, women are still seemingly unhappy DUE to not finding some great person to share their lives. My thought (and it is very difficult!) is that rather than viewing a man and that picture perfect marriage/relationship as what completes us (or betters us, or makes our lives better, etc) we should shift our paradigms to view men and relationships as a COMPLIMENT to our already whole selves and lives that we love. Viewing ourselves as whole and happy, and not needing a relationship to validate our being. And in this world where everyone rushes to marriage, and being 30+ to some is considered some sort of unrealistic death nail in the dating coffin, I say no! I’m not going to let the fact that just because I’m not married at a certain age, or have some fantastic relationship that it is some reflection of ME and MY being inadequate. Never. But, we are loving people and it is in our nature to seek a mate. So I say try to stop letting everyones crazy age related expectations on relationships have an affect on you and your life. Dont let all those shallow men drag you down! Because the men that are like that are going to wake up some day either unhappily married due to their shallow expectations, or single feeling regretful. Just know that even if that perfect man never comes, that you have not failed, you are great, and live your life to your best ability to be as happy as is even fathomable. Keep dating! Don’t feel desperate. Don’t feel bitter just because others less than you have seemingly found someone great. Use every and all of Evan’s suggestions. Do maximize your options, even if you feel it wont work. Don’t have crazy high unrealistic and petty standards, but don’t also have them so low that you lose self respect and end up miserable anyway. So purse dating and the one, but don’t view it as something you need, rather something to compliment your already great and fantastic self. And in the end, regardless of whether or not you found “the one” you at least found your self and made the best of what cards you were dealt!
offthemarket4now says
For the 40+ set, I have read that advertising in the personals in the New York Review of Books works pretty well, plus you would be dealing with a more sophisticated pool of dating candidates (and you would not be competing on a dating site with scads of photos of women better looking or younger than yourself).
I am 38, & have been online “dating” (okay, massively sending “icebreakers” and averaging about 1 face-to-face date a year) since age 30. I just spent this afternoon deleting all my online dating profiles. I’m not getting a decent ROI on what it costs to place these things, and for as long as my profiles have been up, I think I am falling victim to the law of diminishing returns. You can only work the personals for so long before interest and quality of contacts drops off.
Additionally, I notice a lot of people who meet their match online report meeting him or her only very shortly after posting a profile. Then there are others who date on and on and on for years, and don’t end up with anyone. So, I think the window of successful dating opportunity is a very short one, and keeping your profile open for longer than one month is probably not a good investment for most of us (in terms of time or money). Also, it would follow that if you rejected someone you met online the first few weeks your profile was up, then it would seem to me that you just threw away Mr. Right or Miss Right. Keep your eyes and your mind open in the first couple of weeks after posting a profile; that is when your special someone should appear. After that, it’s just a waste of time even looking…
Lynn says
Ladies, I feel your pain. But it IS possible to take action, just like Evan suggests, and this will help you feel more self-esteem, and more like YOU are the one making the choices in your life. I know because I am 40 and have had long “dry” stretches of no dating or dating men who seemed totally inappropriate. But I kept plugging away: online dating, table4-6, poetry readings, volunteering etc., and there were many minor “successes” even if I was not immediately meeting the man of my dreams. These minor successes were wide and varied: an excellent dinner in a new restaurant; a guy who became smitten with me, even though I did not return his ardor; a handsome date for the office holiday party last year; a brief affair with great sex. I truly believe that it can be fun looking for a man to fall in love with, and that it is more likely to happen if you create lots of possiblities to *choose* from. No, it is NOT easy, and it takes a loy of work, but you will certainly feel like you have more control over the situation if you create as many *choices* as you possibly can for yourself. BTW, I have been dating a great guy for about 5 months; we met on nerve.com.
tiny alice says
To offthemarket, who said, ““Additionally, I notice a lot of people who meet their match online report meeting him or her only very shortly after posting a profile. Then there are others who date on and on and on for years, and don’t end up with anyone. So, I think the window of successful dating opportunity is a very short one, and keeping your profile open for longer than one month is probably not a good investment for most of us (in terms of time or money).“…
I think it depends. I met my husband after 3 days of posting my profile, but this was the tail end of 4 years of on/off internet dating. I’d post, date a few guys, pick one to work with on a LTR, and when that didn’t work, I’d put myself back out there. My husband, OTOH, had a history a lot like yours – 6 yrs of having a profile online, infrequent face-to-face dates and was just about to take his profile down before he met me.
So my point is that there’s no such thing as a window of opportunity. Life is random and meeting the right guy has a lot to do with luck anyway. Might as well keep that online avenue open for youself, especially since as more and more quality matches are being made online, more and more great men are looking at the internet as THE way to meet their lifelong mate.
If they’re all getting online and you’re giving up on searching online, you won’t get to meet them.
downtowngal says
The last few posts here have been very uplifting! A nice change from all of the negative vibes put out there about single women, blah blah just to sell a few books and make us gals feel as if we’re doing something wrong. I read another blog hosted by this woman who said that there’s a reason why single women over 35 are still single – this was in response to a letter from a late 30’s woman asking for advice. Ugh!
Bottom line – keep up the faith in yourself and the right person will come into your life. I truly belive that.
tundrafox says
Let me give you some real sound advice. I was married to a beautiful women on the outside, however I did not know her on the inside. I was with her for over 20 years and have known her for over 35 years. I was married to her for 18 years. Every man wants a beautiful woman on his arm, to show off, to be a prize and to make love to at night. I am a prize myself as other women have said. I never called my ex even as much as stupid, dumb or idiot. I never raised my hand to her or even pushed her. I taught my boys to never, ever hit a women under any circumstances, just walk away. I do not drink, go to bars, do drugs or use inapropriate language. I am clean and try to live a clean life, I believe in God, go to church on Sundays, and prayer on Wednesday nights. I believe in what goes around comes around. What am I trying to say, I will tell you. I had two beautiful boys with her, now one 15 and the other 8. After 18 years of marriage she was seeing another man so I divorced her. During the divorce the court ordered DNA tests and it turns out my older son was not my biological son, not his fault at all. After a little digging it turns out she had been seeing other men through out our marriage. Her sister inlaw said she was a slut and I was the last to know. Since the divorce, she has even refused to allow me visitation with my 8 year old son. I thought I knew her, how could I have ever made such a mistake. Eventhough, I feel it was a mistake, I found that I will never give up on my 8 year old son. She has poisened my older son who wants nothing to do with me. As for you Lauren, I don’t know you so I am not insinuating anything her. However to all women, to find out what a real man has in his heart, DON”T PUT OUT. Down deep, a real man does not place sex before love. Men will manipulate a women until she puts out and when she does for the most part he will tire of her and find a new conquest. A women is not wired to have sex before she marries. Within 6 months after she marries a man she has slept with prior to marriage, she will become depressed and feel like she has no worth and this is not right. Secondly, loyalty is above all in a relationship, if you suspect your mate is stepping out, chances are they are. Lauren, keep looking, there are a few of us out there that know and understand a women’s emotional needs, we are not abusive and manipulative. I just don’t want to share my wife with other men and want to be appriciated for being devoted and loving to her. Please don’t put yourself down by not finding someone yet, most men are jerks and they only want to get into your pants, don’t let them, number one rule. Number two, do not allow yourself to be manipulated. If what I read in your letter is true, it is not you, it is them. downtowngial said it right;
“Bottom line – keep up the faith in yourself and the right person will come into your life. I truly belive that.”
njtexsin says
Hello to everyone.
I happened to come across this site through a yahoo link. I just felt a need to chime in.
My Bio: I’m male/46/single never married/no children/happy/ and by no means an English Major (no need to point out my sentence structure).
These are just my opinions and do not reflect the views of this Web Site, Professional Therapist, or any Living Person.
This is quite lengthy and I apologize (feel free to page down and ignore me).
My Views: [1] Remember 50% of all marriages fail. How many of the other 50% are extremely happy, just going through the motions, just for the kids, or the fear of being LONELY. Marriage is not a solution it is an enhancement to a good life. [2] Get out and meet people you may find the person of your dreams, losers, or a whole lot of good people with different skills, hobbies, political views…. The worst that could happen is you will still be single but have new friends that could help you in other needs for a Successful Life. [3] Analyze yourself first. Example: You meet the person of your dreams who is everything you wanted. Now are you bringing everything to the table that this person is looking for. He wants to go out are you ready on time? Everyone has different reactions and expectations for every situation. Both parties need to respect the others views and determine a compromise because nobody will agree all the time and nobody should get it their way all the time. [4] You don’t have to be a 10 or athlete…. to attract people. But you can’t eat junk and be inactive, then complain nobody is interested in you because of your size.
Evan: Thank You for this site (maybe I will use your services one day) and thanks for the Ben Franklin quote (so true).
Bren: I agree with your view Single is Not a Failure.
Erika: Kudos your attitude and comments hit the mark. I wish you well on your quest.
You probably would be a 9 or 10 if you would have that mole removed ( just kidding ).
Most people are too critical on looks and faults (theirs and others).
I remember a Willie Nelson song one of the lines was I went home @ 2 with a 10 and woke up @ 10 with a 2.
Sam: Thanks for the analogy some took it as fact.
Jen from NYC: Congratulations on your latest catch.
Just a few questions that others might fall into [1] Had you ever considered dating outside your religion? [2] Being single made you feel alone. If you can’t be happy with yourself it’s hard to expect others to be happy with you. [3] I loved your definition of Settle but it goes both ways for men and women. [4] You say women should have higher standards and not lower them. What is your definition of standards [a] Morals [b] Expectations [c] Needs? [5] Men should have to work hard to get you. With that attitude you might come off as cold and unapproachable. If you are talking about jumping into the sack too quickly is another subject. I will cover that on the next person.
Li-Anne : [1] When out with friends take the initiative and approach someone you are interested in. Like a pack of dogs, bikers, gang members, bible thumpers…. one on one if met by themselves each could be interesting. But as a group could be intimidating and create fear (of consequences, unknown, judgment….). By stepping away from the pack you might find someone but you will still have a safety net of friends to look out for you also. [2] You said the Vast Majority of men lose interest and respect for a woman that initiates the date or they think you are desperate and easy. [a] That is allot of BS. It would show me your interested in me or what I was doing when you saw me. [b] Men would expect you to have sex. Some yes but not the majority. I would not refuse sex on the first date nor would I expect it or push for it. If it happens it happens. I would not think any less of you anymore than myself. ( I would think you were easy if you were flashing people when I met you. But then it would not be a date it would be a booty call.
Single in New York City: Who said your too picky so you lowered your standards? If they were family and friends ask them to be more specific. [1] Family you can’t change. [2] Friends like you for who you are Good or Bad. [3] Nobody knows you better just be prepared for an honest reply.
Susan: You ask why you should approach the man. My Answer: Maybe the vibes you put out are saying you are not approachable. Maybe the single men you know feel they don’t fit your standards and you would not be interested in them. Would the girl that goes to lectures, readings…. be interested in camping, fishing, boating…. [1] Would this woman be comfortable about sharing some of these experiences. [2] Would she be content to continue doing some of her interests alone and visa-versa?
You seem that you are Bitter that you are alone and still single. You have a full plate enjoy it and let life unfold with or without a mate (you have lived this long without a soul mate what makes you think you HAVE to have one to be happy.
Oldergal: Congrats on your achievements and new partner. you were able to find someone only after you separated your needs from the wants. Maybe you could have found Mr. Right sooner if you didn’t have such demanding requirements. [1] Your letter sends negative vibes. You say you don’t have the perfect body and would not respect someone looking for that. But you were searching for a certain physical requirements for the man of your dreams ( now you have settled for short and chubby ). [2] You were looking for someone with the same intellect, rightness, and accomplished in his own right. You may have missed out on earlier opportunities if you didn’t have too many restrictions. Example: Take a look at these 2 groups [a] Research Scientist, Lawyer, CEO, Doctor…. [b] Carpenters, Plumbers, Mailman, Nightshift Security…. Both Groups need each other. Quote from Caddy Shack ( judge to one of the caddies ) The World need ditch diggers too. [3] Since kids are involved what do they Require (r) and Cherish (c).
[r] Love, Attention, Food, Shelter and an Education. [c] Maybe their first bike or favorite game or toy or doll…. They also cherish school functions, scouting, crafts, sports, games, family time…. Both group a and b can provide these needs. If both parents are wrapped up in their own accomplishments their children will probably miss out on [c]. [4] You mention a Therapist. Maybe until you could be true to yourself and heal past wounds you could not achieve someone elses desires and intentions.
My intent was not to make any individual angry or upset these opinions are about the subject and not the person.
If they thought it or done it they are not alone others can relate.
If I went over the line feel free to reply.
wyandanch says
Hi Evan,
Please solve this mystery for me. Whenever I am at a party or at a bar, the men seem really attracted to the asian women? Why is that? They don’t sem that much more attractive than the rest of us. Yet the guys almost drool over them. What is their secret?
Pablo says
Asian women are femenine and submissive. Mystery solved.
Pablo2 says
Not submissive: they know how to maintain a man happy. Believe me, submissive they are not, but they will make you feel as the MAN in the relationship.
Illinoisgirl says
Ok, here is my take on things.
I am a woman in her 40’s who is the same weight and size as I was when I graduated from high school. Actually I am in better shape now. I have no kids and have been divorced once. My friends tell me I look really good, and most people guess my age about five to ten years younger than I am. But for the last six years or so, since I turned 40, I have noticed that the single men my age have all started to date women young enough to be my daughter, if they looked half way decent themselves. Men my age in So Cal are by and large chasing 25-30 year olds, and it doesn’t matter what they look like or what their religion is. I am a Christian and trust me the Christian men are just as guilty in this regard as non-Christian men. Let’s be honest. There is a major mid life crisis that goes on with men of a certain age, and they by and large do this. .
JB says
First off to “Wyandanch”. SOME white men are very attracted to Asian women. I, on the other hand find MOST if not all Asian women to be err…not “my type” to put it nicely. I have a buddy, (both of us in our 40’s) who because his first wife was Asian and his children are obviously 1/2 Asian dates only Asian women. That’s what he’s attracted to. I, and plenty of other men AM NOT. As David D says “Attraction Is Not A Choice” Noone can force someone to be attracted to someone else.
As for “Illinoisgirl” I live in Illinois and I’m 47 and I don’t know ANY man my age who CAN or DOES date anyone young enough to be your daughters’s age. And I know lots of men ….lol Actually I take that back. I know 1 guy who’s 40 and looks 27 who pulls it off. You wouldn’t want to date him anyway. He’s a “player’s player”
I date women within 5 to 10 yrs of my age 99% of the time. Only once did I go that young. It was just for fun for a few dates. We had nothing in common and she was very inexperienced. Believe me ALL twenty somethings AREN’T more attractive than ALL 40 somethings. Not to mention the turn on of experience & mature conversation ! …LOL
hunter says
to illinoisgirl,
…most younger women haven’t been jaded….
yuki chin says
JB –
I don’t quite understand why you would have to “err… put it “nicely” that Asian women aren’t your type. Of course people are led by their tastes to whatever attracts them. But what is the not-so-nice alternative view that you implied there? Do you have negative feelings about Asian women that you were coyly alluding to? And if you truly wanted to be nice, why did you have to mention that you were being nice at all?
Congratulations. If you wanted to direct a thinly veiled insult at Asian women, your mission was accomplished.
Yuuk
Oldergal says
I know it is discouraging to look for love, but it can be found! I found the love of my life after age 50. However, as Evan says, it can take a lot of work. Waiting for it just to happen probably won’t work. As Thomas Jefferson said, “the harder I work the luckier I get”…so if you work hard, love may find you…or maybe you’ll be really lucky and it’ll just find you without hard work – but that wasn’t my experience. I worked for over 10 years to find the love of my life. It was worth it. But I did make a lot of effort – many, many dates – a few disasterous relationships – had my heart broken a few times and broke a few, too. But I met some really interesting people, learned a lot about myself and life and all in all, I’m grateful for the experience. (though hopefully, won’t ever repeat it!) I used online dating, a dating coach (Evan and another), had therapy to understand myself and make it through and cultivated my friendships and family relationships. I am also a single mom and ran a business – I’ve been busy. Life hasn’t ever been boring. Lonely at times in the past, but I’ll not die thinking I never lived!
So, hang in there. Keep on the websites – take your name on and off as “new” people get more responses. Write a good profile – have a nice picture taken. Enjoy the process and have a good support system. It is all worth it. Get saavy about dating – if someone isn’t interested and doesn’t call, move on. If he’s underemployed or not too intelligent – and you are – move on. It isn’t you – there are a lot of people in the world and only a few you’d spend your life with. I also ran background checks on someone I dated more than a couple times to be sure they were who they said they were. (I’ve had very intelligent friends who had very bad experiences in that way. )I never got burned in that sense but I was careful, too. I worked hard not to get bitter or too down about the process, although at times, I felt that way. I exercised and meditated to keep my attitude right.
I “interviewed” carefully – paid attention to their friends and family members. I hire people in my business so I used some of the same techniques. Does that sound unromantic – maybe, but this is THE most important position in my life. Why wouldn’t I be careful and saavy in the process?
Why am I still on this website at all? I stay in touch with Evan since he helped me a lot, and want to support others from time to time.
verbosity says
Illinoisgirl, the subject of 40-ish men going after younger women is more fully discussed in “Where are All the Emotionally Available, Mentally Healthy Men?” also on this site. I’d refer you to that thread for a full discussion.
However, I’ll summarize my perspective for you, one which I think many men also share. Here it is (much of it copied from my previous posts):
One must realize that in the age brackets we discuss here (40+) most of the men (and women) have been through at least one divorce, long-term relationship, or other similar trauma. Of the divorces (btw, the divorce rate in Scottsdale, where I am, is approximately 70%), 70% of them are initiated by the women (can be independently verified – ; there’s also a book at Amazon that indicates women initiate 91% based upon research). I am going to assume for sake of argument that the numbers are similar for non-marriage relationships also. What I’m getting at is that, in all likelihood (70%), a man had his marriage or most significant relationship ended by a woman. I’m not getting into questions of blame – that’s another discussion. Simply, she initiated the breakup the vast majority of the time.
So, men in the 40+ age range are more likely to be cautious in committing their hearts, minds, and assets to a relationship. Many older men, likely having gone through a divorce (and by proxy, a split of a long term relationship) they likly did not initiate, are understandably reluctant to get into another relationship. To ignore this reality is foolish.
Here is man’s perspective. Men like younger women. They are usually more fun, usually physically more attractive, less likely to have shrew-like harpie tendencies (you can argue this point, but assume it happens more often than not). After the aforementioned divorce or ended long term relationship, most men I have talked to just want something simple and to have fun. They often see their 20’s and 30’s as a waste of their youth and fun time due to their previously mentioned divorce, LTR. Now in their 40’s they prefer younger, simpler women. Simpler doesn’t mean being with a robot.
Another point – ladies would be well-served to quit worrying about a man’s income, and assets so much. This is its own separate subject, but every time I or my friends meet a woman, the inquiry is always about my occupation, neighborhood, car, where I vacation, indirectly inquiring about my income. This is treated on other parts of this site, but it should be mentioned here. I bring this up to make the point that men have no qualms going for younger women, since all women, younger and older, look at him and his wallet. This is a generalization, but an accurate one.
Also, this is very non-PC, but so what? Men can afford to go after younger women also. Not monetarily speaking, but in this way – Men, as we age, generally get more distinguished and attractive (presuming we don’t go completely to pot) to a wider range of women older & younger. Our options increase. Women simply do not (The ‘cougar’ concept is based upon one night stands, BTW, not longer term relationships). Women’s options therefore reduce as men’s options increase. This is not an easy concept to swallow, but it is accurate.
This sounds cynical, but I think this situation (where men’s options increase while women’s decrease) is a main reason why women have harder timelines about dating and marriage, not necessarily the biological clock. They only have so long to attract the maximum number of men…Just a thought.
JB says
Sorry Yuki, I didn’t mean it to be derogatory or an insult to you or Asian women. The terms “put it nicely” and “not my type”. Saying someone is “not my type” is an obviously nicer way of saying “I”, meaning me personally don’t find that person or in this case Asian women attractive to ME. Do you consider those “negative feelings” ?
If I would of said “I”, on the other hand find most if not all Asian women to be unattractive TO ME” that’s not derogatory or insulting no more than you saying large overweight bald Caucasian men aren’t “err..to put it nicely ” “YOUR type” meaning not attractive to you.
I guess saying you don’t find someone or a group of people whether it’s “race” or “weight” or “height” attractive can obviously be considered negative not positive but it was’nt meant to be insulting,derogatory or racist. There is a difference.
Case in point… I prefer blonde,blue eyed women that aren’t obese that’s what I’M attracted to. So obviously most Asian, African American and a hell of a lot of Caucasian Brunette women aren’t my type. I don’t consider that an insult to any of them. I might of just singled out Asian women in my post because that’s what wyandanch asked about. Again sorry if you misunderstood me.
On a different note I have an Asian friend Nancy who won’t date Asian men because they’re not HER type !…LOL
wanderer says
I was just curious on a link I found on another site and just wanted to see what people would write about someone being over 40 and dating this day and time. I am not ready to date as I am in the process of divorcing my present husband ( girlfriends and children with the girlfriend tend to piss wives like me off ) but when we have all this nastiness past and the divorce is done and over with I will more than likely date again. It will be strange for me I am sure because being with someone for 28 years and going back into dating again this day and time is going to be a culture shock for me. I am an attractive 46 year old woman and have been told I look 35. I have three children and the youngest child is still at home she is 15. For the time being I am putting my youngest child first as she needs stability in her life as her dad has not tried to see her for over a year, its his choice not to as I have not tried to prevent him from seeing her. Time heals all wounds and I am giving myself and my children time to heal from this. When my 15 year old is comfortable with it if the right guy comes along I may date some but my kids come first and any guy that comes into my life will have to accept my children and my sisters/mom as family is very important in my life.
Michael Ejercito says
While an affair would be out of the question for me, no strings attached sex is a perfectly acceptable way to fill in the gaps.
Michael Ejercito says
What proportion of younger women would be willing to date an older, divorced man?
Michael Ejercito says
I have met women who said that men were not their type.
verbosity says
Michael Ejercito wrote, “What proportion of younger women would be willing to date an older, divorced man?”
Answer – Lots, particularly when he’s paying.
Not fooling me says
I just have to say, I’ve grown up with my husband. We have both gone through fat stages and skinny stages, and now we are 38 & 40.
hey, I get that younger women are prettier, have smoother skin, lush hair, whiter teeth, fuller boobs, etc.
but I look damn good for any woman’s age. and I can say the same about men. I dont understand the whole men get better looking with age thing. Maybe some men do, like some women do, but I see guys my age and guys 20-30 years younger and I’ve gotta say I’m still going to look at the younger guy for “eye candy” over the men my age any day.
We won’t discuss your yellowing teeth, bad breath, sagging man boobs, wrinkly bottoms, droopy balls, back hair, ear hair, nose hair, and funky feet. And if you’ve imbibed alcoholic beverages or smoked Tobacco, (drugs?), you’re red faces, yellowing whites of your eyes, mishapen noses, large pores, oily skin, gross teeth and gums, wrinkled faces, necks, arms, and hands, etc are not attractive in the least (not EVEN for a one night stand).
Or maybe we will. Sorry, verbose but someone needs to take you down a peg. You can pay for those beautiful young girls attention and more for awhile but they are also lusting after the beautiful young men with their smooth skin, white teeth, luscious hair, full lips, muscular, toned, firm asses, ect.
DaveInLA says
Ummm…. NotFoolingMe, you are only fooling yourself. Women do not lust for men in the same way men lust for women and they never have. When was the last time you saw a woman masturbating over a naked guy the way men do over women? You are totally clueless.
Selena says
But maybe not Verbosity if they have their choice among younger, handsomer, never-been-married men who are also paying!
verbosity says
My point exactly, Selena….For women, it’s usually about what they gain economically. Such women should be avoided and shunned by rational men.
question for verbosity says
How can you tell the difference between those women who are sincere and the ones who should be avoided because they’re too preoccupied with what they stand to gain economically?
verbosity says
question,
You can tell the differences by watching WHAT they do. When a bill comes to they insist on paying? Do they do the half-assed purse reach? Do they just sit there like Cleopatra while you take care of it? Does she want to go to every high-end restaurant and club in town? With you paying? Does she talk about the trips her ex took her on to Europe/anyplace else? What does she do for work? What is her plan of advancement? If non, be careful. Is she a secretary that knows all high end clubs, restaurants and vacation spots? If she earns good $ (same or more than you) and never offers or insists on paying, you have a good indicator.
By the way, these questions apply equally for both sexes. I do not understand why, if women can do the same jobs as, and earn the same (if not more than – see Warren Farrell), that either sex should pay the other for their companionship, which is really what we are talking about. I think it’s because those who insist on the inequality (men pay system, all else being equal), don’t like the logical conclusion, that conclusion being tacit prostitution, at least in part. I mean payment for companionship, not necessarily sex. I think this answers women’s oft-repeated complaint that men don’t care about them as people. My answer is that if you insist on being paid for your company, you devalue yourself as a person and cannot reasonably expect someone to therefore care more about you as a person.
SMH says
Lol@verbosity..You are the true defender of ‘The Perv’ ( older guys dating younger women)..So much so, you may be giving yourself away hahaha! Anyhoo, who cares? If an older man wants to date a significantly younger woman, we all know who’s picking up the check..There’s no other point in dating a significantly older man? Sex? HA!! I for one dont care if a man dates younger women. Many think I’m still in my twenties, but i’m not..but I dont hate..You make comments further making these women feel worse, by saying us men get more distinguished..Y’all women just turn into cougars and something about one night stands..lolol You revel in a woman feeling insecure by being one-sided..Ok but you were wrong..Cougars and Pervs both get used but they usually enjoy it…So its not any more pleasant being an old man than an old woman…LIES YOU TELL!! Lmao! Question..do u even like women?? Hmm
Scooter says
Pardon me, but why is an older man dating a younger woman deemed a “perv”? Sounds like your jibe, which is obviously meant to discredit whilst having no logical backbone, is borne from sour grapes.. which brings me to my next point..
If you really look like you’re in your twenties, then why hate?
Not all older men or women get “used”.
The notion of a woman’s market value going down with age, while a man’s goes up, indeed holds true for too many reasons to write. However, it deals with gender norms, pay (specifically in the STEM fields), and hard-wired preferences on what a man finds attractive, coupled with innate physiological differences.
Question.. do you hate men?
M says
To Susan re 1: Now THAT is a thoughtful, impressive post. I am a man but I feel like I could have written much of it. I feel much the same way. Kudos to you Susan for writing that and I hope things get better.
The only quibble I find is that I don’t know why it would be a million times harder, or any harder, for a woman to ask a man out. But a reader is hardly ever going to agree with every single thing in a long post.
E says
A lot of single women need to quit being so specific with their “requirements” when they are looking for a guy. The more specific “requirements” women make makes it that much harder on women or nearly impossible because men will run away from you. Men aren’t “robots”, were not just some piece of metal or just something that comes out of a vending machine. Women must open their minds up and have a broad, very “general” “requirements” such as limiting yourselves to such selective opportunities like under no circumstances he must be 6′ ++ tall, he must be this and this and do this, have this “perfect” conversation, do this and meet this and that. No wonder your always single, every guy no matter his height will run from you because you have this super strict “requirements and think the square peg is somehow going to fit in a round circle even when your parents and now married friends tell you it so doesn’t work to have such strict “requirements”. When women open their minds and have the very “general” requirements like (he might be this height or he might be an inch, two or three shorter, but she’s not going to limit herself that he “must” be this and that”).
Jackie says
I am 28 yrs. old and still have not had success in having a serious and long term relationship beyond 1 and 1/2 years with a guy. I also currently cannot find anyone who is serious about calling me or going on dates, they all turn out to be players and jerks.
In response to your article questions: (Are you telling your friends to set you up with single eligible guys?
Are you going to singles events — parties, trips, cruises — or at least doing activities that have single men in attendance?
Are you taking online dating as seriously as you could be?
Have you gotten a new photo?
Have you a one-of-a-kind essay?
Have you signed up for a six-month subscription on a big dating site?
Have you been searching for and initiating contact with men?
Have you been giving men second chances on dates?
Have you considered hiring a matchmaker or a https://www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/?)
The answer is a resounding yes on my end to every question with exception to having friends set me up, that’s not something I have as an option nor would I condone if it was. However, I have repeatedly made efforts above and beyond to find love and nothing has ever come of it and I am sick of it. I want clear answers as to what the issue is and how to fix it. I want to know what the men are going to have to do on their end as well to earn the privilege of taking me out on a date and having a relationship with me.
katrina says
its all about luck and who you cross paths with in life – it has nothing to do with looks, personality or brains. my married friends have none of those qualities and are all married to great men who look after them….even the fat btchy ones. they were just lucky enough to meet them before us.
Louise says
I’m 28 and happily married and pregnant ….I never went out and didn’t have many friends and I feel sorry for you ladies cause I never tried ….every relationship I had just felt into my lap ….I’m average looking, have a low paying job which thank god won’t have to work anymore cause my husband is wealthy, you are all obviously the problem
Scooter says
While you are being very harsh in saying they “are all obviously the problem”, I do agree that a few of the women on here come off as disgustingly demanding divas. I don’t know if they realize it or not.
I’d love to meet some of these women and hold a conversation with them, to see if they can indeed “walk the walk” on their end, and thus reciprocate in kind to the insane demands they have for men.
marymary says
katrina
I fear that someone who sees their friends as not having looks, personalities or brains, and seems them as fat and bitchy, wouldn’t know how to appreciate a steady, commitment ready, marriage-minded man when he comes her way. Many women, and possibly men, have fallen into the trap of believing their hotness makes them more viable prospects, and that they have the ability to “tame” men. But the men still do what they want regardless.
It’s partly luck but after my xth crap relationship it suddenly struck me that NO ONE IS THAT UNLUCKY. Keep blaming your bad luck or look to see what you can do better/different.
When I was ready I met someone suitable. It was partly luck but mainly I had changed.
Rene. says
that was crush… and hard, but this made me realise where I was doing and where I’m heading to…
Rochelle says
Jackie 60, I see you are putting yourself out there, that’s great since a lot of people complain about being single and do nothing. They continue to just go to work and stay at home, then complain how they haven’t met anyone. it might be something you aren’t displaying enough of in your interactions with men, and/or the men you are choosing. That isn’t to be critical to but to be helpful. I’m in the same boat and only a year older than you. Intensive self-reflection and research while dating this year has made me realize what part I’ve played in staying single all this time. And there are 6 major reasons
1. I wasn’t embracing my feminine energy as much as I am capable of since I was under some false impression that most men want women who “act more like men” nowadays. So I put on a false facade of being more aggressive than I actually am and lack of vulnerability…This was easy to reverse since I’m rather naturally feminine energy person, not masculine.
2. I was doing things that made me seem desperate, and needy without realizing it.
3. I had trouble defining my boundaries and communicating them in a way that men would understand. — I still struggle with this sometimes due to a long time habit of being “too nice”
4. I wasn’t truly present on most dates. I was in my head too much wondering what the man was thinking instead of having my energy mainly in my body and heart.
5. I didn’t drop enough cues to let men know it was ok for him to continue pursuing. e.g., expressing appreciation, asking enough questions about him as a person
6. I was interested in men who were more like my clone than a complement…In this regard, different from most women since I wasn’t all about his status. But I started seeking someone who was more easy-going, very laid back than I was, yet also expecting him to be a “take charge” person. And I was looking for him to have a ton of common interests. I would be better off trying more guys who are more “take charge”, and focus more on common core values than having everything in common down the list.
I used to say it was all just because I was picky and the “good men” were taken, etc. But at the same time deep down, I felt that I was part of the equation. So this isn’t me saying all the men I’ve interacted with are perfect and did nothing wrong—they were far from it. But at the end of the day we can only control ourselves and see where we play part…the thing that most of us don’t want to do. At least now that I’ve been working on me, my experiences have improved significantly. And when things go wrong, I feel more confident that the man simply wasn’t the right one and it’s easier to leave when I see they are wrong for me.
its over says
Ive tried everything and im in my 40s now, the ship has sailed, men in my age group seek under 35, i know i will die alone and i did not deserve this, karma is bullshit, bad things happen to good people and i regret all the good i have done and sacrifices i made to help others because it has not helped me. i have stopped trying to meet a man an instead hoping and doing things that will bring my death closer because the thought of another 40 years of this lonely life makes me sick and cry uncontrolably every day of my miderable worthless existance. I have watched all my friends marry and have children and i have been deprived of this……the only thing that keeps me happy is knowing that death is real and will happen unlike love
Malcolm says
Sorry.
Mike says
As a man i feel the same way you do, but someday our luck will change. Hang in there.
Pablo2 says
So go to Senegal o some of the other places where over-the-wall women go and pick one of those young dudes. Yes, he will never see you as a 21 year old college girl, so what? Between your crushing loneliness and a young stud….
Or date one of the 80% of men that women find “undesirable”.
marymary says
Its over
finding a man is the least of your problems. No man is able to make your life worth living or make you feel better about yourself. sacrificing yourself on the altar of being good is not going to get you anything worthwhile, and I,m a Christian.
You can be yourself, which means all the less “good” bits and still be with someone. in fact, I would say it is a requirement. You can have your own mind and can disagree, and have bad days, while still being fun to be with, kind, compassionate etc. a worthwhile man or woman isn,t looking to be with someone who has no needs or opinions. there would be a dimension missing.
i know many women older than us who married, i also know many who didn,t and are contented with their church, social life, hobbies, families. I was up for either option having battled with and overcome depression, then I met someone. He has added a new fulfilment to my life but I can’t say he has made me happier. I was happy before I met him and I’d been single for over five years.
you don’t know what life holds. The future is unknowable. enjoy the blessings of today, the good earth, the people you know, your talents, hobbies, home, food,animals, health. It.s 2013. I can attest that a lot can happen in a year.
starthrower68 says
Ladies, take heart; a couple of recent posts on this thread are very mean-spirited and those people have partners. So there really is someone for everyone.
Karl R says
its over said: (#66)
“i did not deserve this,”
Dating is not a meritocracy.
Dating is similar to a job hunt. The best jobs aren’t always filled by the best employees. The best employees don’t always end up in the best jobs. Therefore, if you know what you’re doing, you can end up with a slightly better employee/job than what you actually should deserve.
its over said: (#66)
“i regret all the good i have done and sacrifices i made to help others because it has not helped me.”
I know a man who won’t do anything for you unless he know that he’ll benefit from it. Does he sound like good boyfriend/husband material?
its over said: (#66)
“i have stopped trying to meet a man”
I know a bunch of men … how should I describe them … when the going gets tough, they give up and quit. Are they the kind of men you’d want to depend upon in a lifelong marriage?
its over said: (#66)
“instead hoping and doing things that will bring my death closer”
“the only thing that keeps me happy is knowing that death is real and will happen”
Do men who take unnecessary risks, who have unhealthy lifestyles and who are suicidal turn you on?
its over said: (#66)
“the thought of another 40 years of this lonely life makes me sick and cry uncontrolably every day of my miderable worthless existance.”
Do you feel better about yourself when you spend time with people who suffer from severe, chronic depression?
its over said: (#66)
“i have been deprived of this”
“i did not deserve this, karma is bullshit, bad things happen to good people”
I know some people who never accept responsibility for their own circumstances. Instead, they constantly blame others (people, fate, god, the universe) for every bad thing that has happened to them.
Do you enjoy sitting down and having a conversation with people like that?
Dating is not a meritocracy. Dating is marketing. And the way you’re presenting yourself is killing your chances to find everyone. In one paragraph you’ve convinced me that I wouldn’t want to spend a one hour dinner-party in your company, much less the rest of my life.
If you change the way you express yourself, you still might end up single, but you’ll definitely be a lot less lonely.
its over said: (#66)
“Ive tried everything and im in my 40s now, the ship has sailed, men in my age group seek under 35, i know i will die alone”
You’re lying to yourself.
How is it relevant that men in your age group seek under 35? There are lots of men who aren’t in that age group. Some of those men date women in their 40s … and 50s … and 60s (etc).
And the only way you could remain ignorant of what those other men do, is if you’ve limited your dating to the narrow age range close to you.
So when you say you’ve “tried everything“, you’re lying to yourself. You haven’t tried broadening the group of men you’d consider for a husband.
If you’d rather spend the next 40 years alone, rather than try dating some men who are 10-15 years older (or younger) than you, that’s certainly a valid choice. I won’t fault you for making that decision.
But I won’t have much patience (or sympathy) when you blame everything but your own choices for the situation you’ve ended up in.
Jackies says
Louise 62,
Your comments are obviously to be expected from someone who has never actually worked for anything in life. You only care to profit from others and don’t see a need to do for others as most of us do. Most women try hard and expect the same in return from a partner. If your choice is to not work, have babies and use someone else to live off of that is great. However, most people don’t behave that way and I personally find that behavior low class and disgraceful to women who are intelligent and enjoy working hard and getting further in life, not sitting around sipping tea and watching life go by.
kerrianna says
Women single over 30 need therapy and advice on how to get a man to b with them, i am 33 and married for 7 years however even when i was single i always had men persuing me and was always dumping them-its not about luck its about you as a person and what you do to turn these men off you otherwise you would not be so desperate-men can sense this and it is a TURN OFF!!!!! And stop looking and he will come just like my husband found me-i was engaged at the time and hence not looking and he came to me-stop being so desperate and worrying about marriage and it will come to YOU, trust me i am proof of this-good luck
starthrower68 says
Kerrianna, while you make several cogent points, the notion that single women over 30 need therapy and advice is a blanket statement. Some certainly do. But not all. Some women merely have to understand that to attract a man, you can behave in a way that would attract a woman. I make my point as a woman over 30 who is struggling with emotional blocks that keep me from finding a successful relationship. Sometimes the woman is perfectly emotionally healthy, not dependent, etc. and it’s just a matter of timing.
Ruby says
kerrianna #71
You’re 33, and married for 7 years? Well, dating over 40 is a very different proposition than dating in your twenties. Dating at that age for women is a piece of cake in comparison.
higado2 says
I just had to comment about “Jen from NYC” (post #17 and beyond). I like your attitude! You come off as being truly wise, and happy! You really leave no doubt that your story is true! Good for you Jen, may you have a good marriage with your “dorky” boyfriend! hehehe
AbsolutelyRight says
i am a straight man that certainly has the same problem like so many men and women out there today. i am not shy at all, and it seems that so many women are very picky today. i was married at one time myself before my wife of fifteen years cheated on me, and i was a very caring and loving husband that was very committed to her as well. most of the women nowadays are playing very hard to get, and with so many women today that have a very bad attitude problem does certainly makes it much worse. it is very hard for many of us men to approach a woman that we would like to talk too, because they are so very nasty to us. why is that? and yet they will go out with men that treat them very mean. now that i am in my late fifties, it certainly makes it even much harder for me. i hate going out as it is, because with so many women nowadays act like a drama queen which many of them are so very drunk to begin with. women were much different years ago which made it much easier to meet a good one back then, especially with the help of many family and friends too. today so many women are looking for a man with a very large bank account, and can’t accept a man for who he is anymore. and now that so many women have very high paying jobs, they really think that they are God’s gift to men since they are making much more money than many of us men do.
xman says
People in modern day America are exceedingly spoiled and selfish. But I see more young women playing games and disrespecting men than the other way around. That’s because young chicks have an abundance of men, hence spoiled. Only players and high status males can get what they need (sex) with who they want (attractive young women). Nice guys are considered as needy loosers and are destroyed in the game. Some come back as players, but sadly, many are completely destroyed by depression and negativity. Then Everyone acts as if they are too good for everyone else. Everyone is acting like a player. Everyone wants to have the power, be in control, get what they want, etc.
But then women need to marry. And so the balance power shifts. A woman’s looks begin to fade and suddenly she begins to experience the neediness and insecurity of not being able to find what she needs (commitment) from the men she desires. She looks for nice guys that are attractive but finds none…only players. Now you reap what you sow!
Perry says
I have to chuckle at the women who say that online dating doesn’t work for them, especially the pretty ones.
You have, God knows how many men contacting you, and yet, not a single one is good enough for you?
Riiiiight.
You are just too picky. That’s all there is to it.
Also, you need to approach us for a change. Or, at the very least, show us an interest. Give us that look. You know the look.
Don”t make us do all the work.
You want equality, there ya go.
I’m single because I am tired of doing all the work. Women don’t even show an interest, yet they want a man in their lives.
Rose says
IME Perry most who contacted me just looked at my pic and didn’t bother to even read my profile as most were Long distance so not even really practically avaiable to date me or smoked. When I had clearly stated that I wasn’t interested in people who smoked or were not parctically available if not in practible radius. Even clearly and directly stating deal breaker distance. Men who could not even be bothered to read my profile and just contacing me due to my looks turned me off big time. I was not compatible with most men who contacted me. MMM is that me being picky Yes I don’t want to settle for a man who can’t be bothered to read what I want, don’t want or like and settle for someone who is not on the same page as me.
I prefer meeting people who are really available in real life. who take care of thir health and listen to me as a whole person rathe than someone who is not really available, has any addictions and is more interested in my looks than who I am
Julia says
@Perry #77
Here’s the thing: attractive women have the luxury of pickiness, you might not like that but there it is. I get about 15 messages a day and about 15-30 men picking me on quick match. The vast majority of them I filter out right away due to things like age/distance/weight. Then the next group I actually check out their profile, if there are glaring things that make them incompatible I filter them out. That leaves me with 1-3 men to respond to a day, most of them filter themselves out due to lack of follow through. So yes, online dating is a numbers game even for pretty women.
Sparkling Emerald says
Perry @ 77
“I have to chuckle at the women who say that online dating doesn’t work”
Laughing at others frustrations is unbecoming, not nice and insensitive. Especially if you don’t know them. Seems to me you are just ASSUMING that a woman who isn’t part of a couple is entirely to blame and you feel justified laughing at her. Many men express the same frustration with online dating. I don’t feel like chuckling at them. I understand their pain. Not everyone who is currently un-attached is defective or picky. Most of us have been in relationships in the past, and will be again at some point in the future. Right now, most of us are in between relationships. You think laughing at the opposite genders pain is appealing ? If you approach an “available” woman with the attitude that her state of singleness is something to taunt and laugh at her about, & must be HER FAULT, I hardly see how that attitude will help you. Unless you plan on only approaching women who are already part of a couple. (A technique advocated by many PUA sites)
“You have, God knows how many men contacting you, and yet, not a single one is good enough for you?”
OR, maybe several are deemed “good enough”, and then they pull the amazing disappearing act. A big topic on this blog and just about every other blog is women who meeta guy, & think he’s GREAT. After a few promising dates, maybe even after sex, he dissappears. I don’t see too many letters from women who say they’ve never been on a date because they have never met anyone good enough. One could easily flip your comment around to the men and say, “You have slept with God knows how many women, and yet not a single one is good enough to be your girlfriend or wife”
“You are just too picky. That’s all there is to it.” And you know this how ? Very few things in life are so simple that one can attribute it to ONE and ONLY ONE factor. Often times, two great people meet, but they just aren’t a match for each other.
“Also, you need to approach us for a change.”
Almost every relationship coach, male & female advises against that. An article written by a male has been posted AT LEAST twice to this blog, where he admitted that a guy will feel perfectly justified humping and dumping a girl precisely because SHE MADE THE FIRST MOVE. Most women don’t like being humped and dumped. If that makes us “picky” in your eyes, so be it.
“Or, at the very least, show us an interest. Give us that look. You know the look. “
Pffffft, Most of the relationship advice is geared towards women, because that is who shows an interest in building relationships. Most of the advice geared towards men is how to pick up women, mostly for the purpose of no strings attached sex. Women are more interested in RELATIONSHIPS then men. I have been to single events, I have seen women giving men the look, and being ignored. I have seen men approaching women, and getting the cold shoulder. What I see in the world is men wanting women who don’t want them, and vice versa. It’s a HUMAN problem, not an issue of one gender or the other being too picky. Many PEOPLE are too picky, and many people just haven’t met their match. No matter how great and compatible 2 people may seem on paper, if they aren’t BOTH attracted to each other, it won’t work. Neither person is bad for not being attracted to the other.
“I’m single because I am tired of doing all the work. Women don’t even show an interest, yet they want a man in their lives.”
You are single, because you have given up (for now) The women YOU WANT, haven’t reciprocated an interest in YOU. And most likely there have been women who HAVE been interested in you, that YOU had no interest in. Just because you have rejected women who aren’t interested in you, does that make you picky ? Just because you want a mate, are you supposed to accept ANY woman who is interested in you, just because you don’t want to be single any more ?
“You want equality, there ya go”
By equality, if you mean voting rights, equal access to education & employment opportunities, etc., yes, that is a matter of civil rights and of course most of want that. Has NOTHING to do with interpersonal relationships. Also, being equal doesn’t mean being the same. A couple can have different roles in a relationship, without one being considered the inferior.
You might think that you haven’t “rejected” any woman if you’ve never humped and dumped, or been the one to end a relationship. (Which I doubt) If you’ve ever done online dating, every profile that you’ve viewed but not written to, is a rejection. In real life, every woman who HAS given you “the look” that you either ignored, or just didn’t notice, you have rejected. Doesn’t make you a bad person, and women who reject you aren’t bad people or picky either.
I would say that MOST people have been rejected and have done the rejecting. Some people like to say that it is ALWAYS the fault of the opposite gender. (If s/he rejects me, s/he’s “too picky”, if I reject her/him it’s because s/he really is defective) In most cases NO ONE is at fault, they just weren’t a match.
Judging from the number of married couples in the world, your “picky women” theory doesn’t hold water. Even with recent changes in some states regarding same sex marriage, MOST married couples consist of a man and a woman. Take a look at all the married people. Are they ALL drop dead gorgeous, super athletes with PhD’s ? Not at all. Lots of every day people with a wide range of looks, income, education levels, personality traits, virtues and vices get married every day. THAT couldn’t happen if one gender or the other was “too picky”
Rose @ 78 – I hear you ! I have very little selection criteria in my profile. No height preference, no income preference, no education level preference, no job type preference. My profile indicates that I am looking for a relationship. I have a 50 mile radius, a 10 year plus or minus may age preference, smoking and drugs are NO WAY. I have been contacted by a 40 year old married man looking for some side action (on OK Cupid) 30 year old chain smokers, and men from the other side of the country. I no longer respond to men I’m not interested in, but when I did, I got an argument from a man across the country, telling me that “distance doesn’t matter”. (As if what matters to ME, doesn’t matter) Well ain’t I just the picky little princess who won’t sleep with married men, or have a long distance “relationship” with a chain smoker young enough to be my son.
Scooter says
“I have very little selection criteria in my profile. No height preference, no income preference, no education level preference, no job type preference. My profile indicates that I am looking for a relationship. I have a 50 mile radius, a 10 year plus or minus may age preference, smoking and drugs are NO WAY. I have been contacted by a 40 year old married man looking for some side action (on OK Cupid) 30 year old chain smokers, and men from the other side of the country.”
Really? So you pick a few straw-man representatives and run with them as the grand representation of men?
And you’re dead-wrong about women not being picky. Even in their 40s, women with ANY decent looks are very picky and quite ruthless with their dismissiveness, concerning inconsequential “flaws” in men. If nothing else has been ingrained in me through online dating sites and apps, it is this fact.
Oldergal says
As I read these posts, I hurt for so many of you because I’ve been there….but I’m not anymore. One of the things I learned in my quest for a mate was that I have depressive tendencies and anxiety. Those things make it hard to be the sunny, upbeat person that attracts most people initially (although they have to be able to live life’s ups and downs, too, for the relationship to be ongoing). Getting on meds helped me a lot…..I’ve done a lot of therapy, too and it was good to sort out the dating puzzle with a good therapist who truly had my best interests at heart. I’m grateful to be married now – I’m never really lonely anymore….I’ve gone through a lot with my husband as he’s had some major illnesses – but I’d still rather be here than alone. I look very successful (a professional, own business, great kids) but there was a lot of shame and upset in me that led to me feeling very alone and needy at times; it didn’t ‘show’ well….getting myself on track emotionally – which involved the meds, therapy and a big dose of spiritual belief in life – all got me to where I am today. Not that I’m perfect nor is my husband, but if you want to be with someone, that’s a good thing…we don’t get through this life alone on any level. So, I guess I’m saying, stay in the game and do what you must to be able to do so…I don’t mean ‘game’ in a pejorative way but finding a mate is a numbers thing….it can take a while especially when you’re older (I found my love at 50) or ‘encumbered’ with children and work (as opposed to when I was in college). I’m glad I took the chance and kept up the search. It wasn’t easy….and life never will be, but it’s better lived with someone you love. Keep the faith.
HonestJoe says
Hi writers,
I don’t usually post/write on these sites as I’m not a huge fan of the concept, but I couldn’t help but notice a similar conversation happening at my workplace today – I thought I’d give a comment or few a go. I am a middle aged man who not only has sympathy for those angered by both genders’ transgressions, but also understands both sides of the argument. I am also single and have not yet found the hypothetical “one for me”. Now, I’m not going to lie and say I have dated some 35+ women, gone on dating sites, or have had one night stands. Truth is, I have dated only a handful of times and have experienced things in my life others can’t fathom, independent to that of relationships – I would like to think that it has shaped me into someone who now possesses a unique perspective.
Like many of you, I too have worked hard all my life to get to where I am now, sacrificed my health, celebrations, relationships, and a myriad of other enjoyments we often take for granted until they are gone. It is also quite accurate that although I am highly independent, well-off, and stable, companionship is something that has eluded me like so many others out there. I have many friends and colleagues who are either happily married with several children, single parents, or just single. I can tell from many of your posts that it is painful to see others happy and experience love when it is not your own…I too wish for that feeling but like many things in life, often, they just don’t work out the way we wanted them to. For some, love is around the corner and for others, well, it may not come fast enough.
I respect honest posts like “singleinnewyork” and “susan” and consequently agree on many points. Men have many flaws…but it would be naive to think that women do not. We live in a day and age where society has warped the entire notion, our entire culture, of what being a man really means, as well as what being a woman really means. Not only has chivalry disappeared over night, but our newly adopted 21st century culture has destroyed our own definition of what true love is…as a result we are left “spinning our wheels”, behaving like a disoriented group of hollow primitives with new fancy gadgets.
What Evan is trying to do is admirable as I am sure it has helped many others find their soul mates (if you believe in the colloquial movie phrase), but has it really come down to this? Has it come down to us paying a “love consultant/relationship trainer” (modified version of HITCH the movie) 1000$’s of dollars to impart happiness in our lives (dollar amount derived from Evan’s earlier post)? Have we lost so much hope in ourselves that we are afraid to be alone…or afraid to get hurt with someone we love by retreating inwards? From briefly scanning through all of these “love consultant/blogger sites”, they all say the same thing: if you follow our rule book ie. buying it, or I know exactly how you feel, or you can improve on yourself by following these tips, or all my “clients” do this (someone who is sincere should not be referring to people as clients…as soon as you mention the word client…you create a power differential and automatically assume that individual knows more – I know this because I do have a MD/JD in law and a PhD in psychology).
The real solution to this problem is for people, both men and women to empower themselves with happiness. If you close your eyes……….free yourself from the pressures of age/peers/rules/relationships, financial restraints or motives, your own pain and fear of loss……….you become a new person…someone who is even more special than they could have imagined themselves to be…someone who knows that the world is theirs for the taking. Now open your eyes and think about who you want to be in that moment. It all becomes clear that we neither need dating advice from family, dating specialists, nor pressure from our own expectations to be happy. The power to make ourselves happy is within each and every one of us.
I apologize if this was relatively lengthy. I hope that I have offered a few pieces of wisdom to people reading this post. Evan was correct about one thing…”do not lower your expectations”. Keep your principles close to your heart (they’re there for a reason), treat those around you with respect, and who knows…if you keep an open mind you may just run into that special someone out there soon. After all, I think of myself as a good, kind, loyal man – if I am here, there must be more for all those wonderful women out there :). Don’t lose hope. I haven’t.
Kristy says
Loved your response..
Tara says
Interesting. While I agree with using online dating as a tool to expand your options, I disagree that dating should be treated like a job. A job implies misery.
I have always been one of those oddball women who have never had a problem getting a date, meeting decent guys, or receiving marriage proposals. The issue was always with me – my urge to run whenever a boyfriend would use the “M” word. I am now 37 and met my fiancée/the love of my life when I was 35. I am average in every possible way that you can think of, but what have always set me apart is that I didn’t care. I am introverted, so, I was extremely happy being single and didn’t want to give that up for just anyone. Focus on yourself, love your singleness, and kick desperation to the waste side. It just isn’t that serious, so what if you never get married? Look at all of the people who got married then divorced, or lose a spouse to some tragic event.
Fall in Love with yourself first, only then can you find the most suitable partner for you.
Log says
Tara, that’s a very interesting and informative post.
Malcolm says
This won’t work for people . . . who are not you.
Scooter says
You are indeed one of the lucky ones, Tara. But your perspective is somewhat skewed. Yes, YOU have/had no problem finding a companion throughout life, but others do. You are making marriage the issue here, when in fact for so many posting on this site, companionship and love are paramount.
People here are hurting BADLY because they are lonely, not necessarily because they aren’t married. In many cases, it seems these individuals are not complacent; they have tried and tried (whatever their methods), to no avail.
They are at a point of hopelessness, and THIS is the deadly endpoint, Without hope, life seems empty.
Ron says
Well since many of the women out there are complaining that they can’t meet a good guy, that is because you’re so very sad and pathetic since many of you women are so very damn picky today. Stop looking for the RICH MEN, and start looking for many of us men that can be very faithful to just only one woman that can really make us happy. And ACCEPT us for who we really are since we’re NOT RICH like many of the other RICH MEN that you’re looking for.
A says
Its no wonder there are so many single men and women in this world. Most of you are butting heads and want everything the way you want it, and with your rules, and that’s the way it is… what ever happened to compromise? Yes I am sure some men are pigs, and I am sure that some women are gold diggers, lone behold I have been with a couple of them, but I don’t think all of them are. Some of you think that because the man doesn’t make the first step, there is something wrong with you, but your wrong. Maybe the man is to shy to come and say hello to you, or maybe he has to build up his nerve to come and talk to you, or maybe he is basing his opinion of you for the way you are looking at him.
I just like anyone else on this planet deserve to be with someone, because I just like the rest of you dislike being lonely. But being lonely doesn’t mean to say I am a loser. I noticed quite a few of you defining men with numbers, as well as thinking men define you with numbers. Each one of you might take one look at me and define me with a number, and everyone of you will be wrong. Whether you think I am a 10 or a 1. Its because I am not a number, I am a human being with feelings. we all look through our eyes as though looking through a key hole, and we always seem to look to what all the other people are doing wrong, or be the first to judge the next person. If you think there is something wrong, maybe we should look at the way we see things. If you think negative, you will attract the negative.
I have I am sure many negative things about me, but that doesn’t mean I have to think in a negative way. I like to associate my life around positive things, which in return makes me feel happier inside, which makes me feel as a better person. As every person should feel good about themselves, but if it makes you feel like the better person to judge the next person about looks or who they are without getting to know them,(and in my opinion it takes more then one date to get to know someone) then I can’t really say I feel sorry for you.
I think when we judge a book by its cover, its very cold, and for some of us saying we want to fall in love with that perfect partner and complaining because we can’t find them, well maybe you have found them, and maybe you have already judged them, and maybe everything you have said is brought on from how you have judged the other.
“If there was more love in this world, it would be a happier place”
Sami says
Ok, so I haven’t had the time yet to read through all of these posts (and boy there are ALOT!), but I had a realization today about dating and I wanted to share it.
I am in my mid 20s, and have been looking for a serious relationship for a while now, but it always seems that I am not able to get past the second or third “date.” I like to think that I am attractive, athletic, fun loving, artistic, creative, so on…but no one seems to think that I am dating material.
My “relationships” generally have the same patterns: I meet boy, boy acts very interested and boy and I go on date(s) (or hang out, or whatever it is called now a days), then boy gets bored and moves on.
EVERY time this happens, I internalize it, thinking it was my fault that it didn’t work, which then lowers my self esteem. And in general, I am very self conscious and insecure as it is. I also have realized that I tend to think that a man will make me happy (which is exactly the WRONG way to think).
My last fling just recently ended and I have been disappointed about it, so I looked to the web for answers as to why I might not be dating material. What I found was so simple but so eye opening to me: I won’t be able to find a compatible partner until I become happy and confident with myself. Maybe we all just need to become happy and confident with who we are and then we can search for someone who will add to our happiness, not create our happiness. This is much easier said than done, but I believe that it is possible for everyone and that once we find happiness with ourselves, it will be so much easier to find the right man. One of the best ideas that I found through my “research” was: you need to find a partner to complement you, not complete you. I feel like there is a desperation that many people have when it comes to finding love, and that causes an extreme amount of insecurity with oneself. I have yet to work on this for myself, but overall, this idea has made me feel better.
I hope I am not being redundant (because I have yet to read all the posts), and I hope that this idea helps.
Log says
Sami, The boy who get’s bored within a few dates is unlikely to ever get a life partner. It’s not you; it’s him. And trust me, there are many of them out there.
TJ says
One other thing I do want to add, I admit I decided to try online dating one more time before I leave NYC and I did seem to find someone great, but we haven’t met in person yet and because of all my bad experiences here, I unfortunately have a negative outlook that this is not going to work in the long run (I try to stay upbeat with him on the phone and by emails, but when I’m alone, my thoughts sometimes become negative, well…because that’s what I’ve had happen to me in NYC with dating). I really do like him though and when we meet (we are meeting soon – I hope) if I can pull this off, meaning I found a great NY guy (he lives on LI, not NYC), I will be stunned and super happy at the same time! And I’ll be staying in NY!
graziella says
i am reading the post about this woman and i found out we are in the same boat. I am constantly being told that being single is boring, most of my colleagues (since i do not have friends with whom i hang out because all of them found a mate) also try to make a fool of me because of this reason. Well i have also dated guys, the problem either they were into my looks or body or are idiots, most Ãdiot’ guys sure want a date but this date turns out only based on looks, what you can get from looks alone is only a short term relationship. before I used to think, and make others want to think , that dating because they like your body is important because it develops a deeper relationship but now i know that you can get nothing out of it, and maybe that’s why i am still single at 40 because i always dated for looks. Thank God i never got into problems like being pregnant or having an std.
april says
I bet ALL these women never gave nice decent guys a chance in their early 20s (best days). Now that they’re alone they’re wondering what happened? LOL . I’m in my early 20s and all these girls overlook me, because I wasn’t born in a rich family. OH well, when my career is set in and I’m in my 30s I’m gone find someone much younger.
Linda says
I’ve dated rich and poor in my life. I am happily married now….Evan helped me find him! Never needed their money….make my own….in my 20’s, I was being educated so I could be self-sufficient. I don’t know of too many women who depend on men to be taken care of….granted, I hang around with self-sustaining women, but I’d have a frank chat with Evan about what else might be going on if you think it’s all about money…..
DaveInLA says
Women generally want a man who makes what they do or more. It has been a fact of life since humans evolved.
Bonney says
One thing is that i’m suprised, there are single men and women out there who desperately need their match and they clain not to have found 1. I was in dating sites before, presented my interests and all necesaries, but not showing my image made me quit the game. Belive me or not, no lady showed any interest for three month until i shut off my accounts and decided to be. If singles online would understand and trust each other, we would have paved way for a none single world, but if all men are the same, or all women are the same, then there will be no hope thus creating way for lesbian conjestions.
yeahright says
I see a lot of posts like this online and all I can think, as a man, is ‘If a woman looks down on all men as beneath her, can she ever find the right man?’.
Consistently I hear about how ‘bad’ we men are. Dirty, smelly pigs, stupid, perverted and the list goes on. All coming from women. I believe it’s entirely impossible for anyone to be happy with a partner of the opposite sex when they have no respect for them. And from what I’m seeing all over the net, women don’t have much respect for men these days.
Of course, it works both ways. Men can be the same way. Not all of us though and not all women. Thankfully. The problem is, like most of us, many women prejudge before actually getting to know the man. I get called all kinds of names by strange women who don’t even know me. Just out of the blue at social functions, out in public etc – before I’ve even said a word to anyone. They just come up to me and insult me. And yet I’m told I’m good looking and all that jazz. Yeah right. lol.
All of us have been hurt by members of the opposite sex in some way or other. But judging someone based on their gender before you know them is sheer bigotry. If you hold that inside you then you will never be happy. Ever. And this goes for everyone, not just women who think they’re above men.
Men are sick of being expected to be perfect to women. We are nothing close to it. And neither are women. However, many women these days think they are perfect. I suppose they picked that up from all the politically correct propaganda that’s been fed to the last few generations. People have to start thinking for themselves though. NO human being is perfect, so stop expecting it.
Most of us men try to be the best we can. But it never seems to be enough. If you’re a woman who wants a ‘bad boy’, go get the bad boy. Don’t waste the time of decent men because you don’t know what you want. I knew what I wanted and my partner did as well. Thus, we are happy together.
Stop living in a fantasy world – look for something real. Otherwise, play the single game and have fun.
This is my advice based on being a 46 year old man living in the 21st century in Canada. You don’t have to like it, but it’s the truth according to my life own experiences.
Best of luck to you..Sincerely.
Log says
Well said.
J says
Hi yeahright,
First of all I’d like to apologize for my english because my native language is portuguese and I’m still improving my english skills. I am happy to know you got a happy ending – if I can say so…
I can imagine how painful and frustating was for you when you met those women who insulted you. I have experienced something similar with guys – not cool :[ . I am glad to know you moved on and found someone who deserves your special attention, care and love. I think that your advice of “Stop living in a fantasy world — look for something real.” is a great hint.
I am 24 and I have dated guys from my age to 20y older than me … What I’ve seen is that most of people look for perfection when in fact we are all humans … I always believed that one of the goals of a relationship besides of sharing a life and quaity time together, is helping each other to achieve self improvement … There is no princess and no principe charming on this planet. There are people and people change, grow, develop …
What most people say when they want to meet a woman or man: I want she/he to be smart, intelligent, pretty, good looking, funny, etc… I mean, I think people expect too much from the others. I came across with men who told me that “was expecting for the right woman to teach them how to love”. I was like wtf … No one was born knowing anything… We are all in the same party and no one took dance classes before. It seems like most of people want someone ready to have a relationship with, and see those relationships websites as a menu, where you search for someone with the characteristics that you wish, like someone made-to-measure, when in fact it is just a tool to have a start.
I think there are much on both sides, women and men, to be worked. I believe all these women who said that are working hard to find a men are actually doing their best. What I wonder is if they are that open minded to have a relationship with a person, a human being and not with their “ideal man”.
Best wishes,
J
Kathy says
I kind of have the same problem but I think the reason is that we are approaching the wrong men… Evan has said it, the men that we consider dateable are like 1% of the population so its obvious we mostly are going to find wrong guys! We should be more receptable to the guys that are mature and relationship oriented, men that know how to treat a woman, and not inmature men who still think they are in high school, thats not easy to find in our society but its not impossible if we give people the chance. Thats what im doing now, im not looking at pretty faces anymore because guys that are good looking tend to be the wrong guys, im looking at their personalities and now im getting to know as a friend a overweight man, he is not my type but he is very nice, fun and serious about relationships so i decided to start as a companionship thing and see if something develops from there. Good luck wtih your search!
Malcolm says
Good for you.
Talan says
I don’t want a smart independent woman. I want a woman I don’t have to fight who wants to be my companion.
In today’s day, woman have far more of an advantage in getting a career and sticking with it. They have also have a much easier time actually getting a relationship.
If your as strong and independent as you claim, then you should go out and seek and find a man (or woman) that compliments you, not go on and complain about why you can’t. You “CAN” if you try, maybe you should lower your standards a bit? If you want to me a man then try filling your shoes with what they have to deal with, like seeking a partner.
Brendan says
I’m 22 and I’m already tired of women in the USA. I don’t even try to look at them or speak to them anymore. I will never date them.
Reasons: extremely unreasonable expectations for partners: they say one thing and expect you to do another (shit tests), drama, not giving a shit about their appearance/health, no life skills. The thing that really bugs me is that they think they are entitled to special treatment without having to give anything in return. Reciprocal altruism is the basis of all relationships, yet women in the USA have a special dorogatory name for men who expect reciprocity–“nice guys.” That is not normal. It is very, very sick.
I am an engineering student and I have never met a woman my own age in the states who was as good at math as I am. I studied a year in Germany and met half a dozen of them. Math isn’t really a big thing in a relationship, but it is nice if a woman is intelligent and educated so that you can have conversations with her. American women are unbearably vapid.
I’ve looked at a website where women from eastern Europe try to get male partners from the USA. A totally average looking woman on that website would be stunningly beautiful if she were brought to the states. My experience in Europe also makes me think that American women must be unique in their stupidity and viciousness.
There marriage system is stacked against men in the west. Half of all marriages n the USA end in divorce, and 70% of those are initiated by women. So I have a 35% chance of losing my house, my children, and most of my future income if I marry a woman in the States. I will never do it.
There are articles where women ask, “Where have all the good men gone?” If you’re asking that question, then the answer is that they are avoiding you, and they are never coming back.
LearningTheSecrets says
@ Brendan 95
I like what you have to say. I little bit harsh and some generalization of US women, but in the end it’s the impression you personally felt whether it’s true of all US women or not. I think that’s the important point here, that the bitterness and impressions felt makes one feel a certain way about men and women because that’s what they personally encounters time and time again.
About marriage, I feel the same way as you but can also see the other perspective. Statistically, marriage does not seem very promising, but on the other hand I don’t think it’s fair either to already view it so negative and doomed to fail before it even happens. No one would probably get married then if they knew ahead of time some way, that it was going to end in divorce.
SparklingEmerald says
TJ @ 2.1
I feel saddened that dating, mating & relating comes down to a person’s number (well not entirely, but to get things started, numbers are everything) but it is true.
This is my unscientific observation. Men who are 9-10’s, have dropped out of marriage. Because they can. There is no social stigma for a man to not be married, and the nookie sampler platter is being freely passed around for men who are 9’s and 10’s. So why would a 9 or 10 marry, if he can bang lot’s of hot women any night of the week ? Maybe when he’s in his late 40’s and wants a kid, he will find a sweet young thing to breed with. So a really hot 30 year old woman might be able to marry, IF she’s willing to take on an aging player who’s probably still pretty hot, and she won’t mind if he probably will cheat on her eventually, once she’s done hatching his kids for him.
However, women who are 9 & 10’s still want to get married. They probably start off going for 9 & 10’s, but after getting humped & dumped a few times, might start settling for the 7 & 8s’. 7 & *’s are still attractive, so it’s not that big of a sacrifice.
So women, are most likely going to have to get involved with a man who’s 2 point lower. So if you’re already kind of average or semi-cute (like me, I consider myself 6-7, depending on the day) going 2 points lower means plain or homely. Believe me, I WISH this attraction thing wasn’t so darn shallow, I WISH I could force myself to feel something for a 5 or a 4 or lower, but I can’t. I’ve tried, and I just end up making the guys feel like crap. I wish I could fall in LOVE based SOLEY on character and kindness, and while I WON’T have a relationship without those things, I have to have some degree of attraction as well.
If everyone would just stay in their league, dating, mating & relating might work out much better. But since 9 & 10’s have dropped out on the male side, and not the female side, the whole game is skewed. And yes, it IS a game and it IS skewed.
That coupled with the fact that there is a stigma to being a single woman, but not a single man, makes it even worse.
I would love to fall in love with a nice 6 or 7, but they are going after 8’s.
And I don’t want to couple up with a 4, and then end up being one of EMK’s letter writers, writing in and saying , ” I married a guy and just now noticed that I don’t like his face. Now we never make love and are starting to argue about it. ”
We women are encourage to “give guys a chance” when we aren’t attracted to them. (Men are NEVER told to do this, because men are “visual”. ) Women do men no favors when they do this. Sooner or later the truth comes out.
Evan Marc Katz says
You’re discounting the tradeoffs that men make and refuse to make tradeoffs yourself. So you can go for a guy who is an 8, but then have to accept that he might not be as smart, well-traveled, organized or spiritual. That’s what men do all the time: date women who are sweet and attractive because they make us feel good, instead of looking for someone who is “better”. If physical attraction is that important to you – no one is arguing – what else are you willing to trade off on?
H says
I’ve read all your comments here, Sparkling Emerald, and I just want to say I am rooting for you. In many things – certainly in your self-respecting attitude – you remind me of myself. I would NEVER tell you (or any friend of mine – or even foe of mine, if I had any) to settle for anyone you don’t feel attracted to. (Speaking for myself, I cannot imagine what’s even the point of a relationship without huge physical attraction.)
Nothing IS better – much better – than settling for just anything.
SparklingEmerald says
Evan, Why did you say I could go for an 8 ? I did not say I wanted an 8, I said I would love to fall in love with a 6 or 7. They don’t want me. They are chasing after 8s.
It’s not that physical attraction is “that important to me”, but it is an ESSENTIAL ingredient to a relationship. I’ve said it over and over, I do not want a tidal wave of attraction, but I have to feel SOME attraction.
Read the letter that a LW name Maya wrote to you, that she didn’t notice that she didn’t like her husbands FACE. There are a few letters to you from women to you that are in relationships with men they aren’t attracted to. There is no trade off in the world that could make a relationship with no sexual attraction satisfying. It’s tragic for the person who was “settled for”. No man would settle for a woman who he didn’t feel attracted to, and I don’t blame them. So why should we women do that ?
I don’t require gobs of money, movie star good looks, a particular level of education, or a particular type of career. All I ask for is to feel attracted and to be treated well. (and I don’t need a guy to be tall, dark & a hot 10) Which one of those am I suppose to trade off ? To be treated like crap by a guy I’m attracted to, or settle for a nice guy who makes me cringe in the bedroom ?
I am puzzled as to why you seem to think I want a rich, rock star when I don’t. Just a regular guy that I’m attracted to, who treats me well and who is into me.
I can’t even seem to get short and/or average looking guys that I like to fall for me.
Evan Marc Katz says
Respectfully, SE, I think you are representative of that OKCupid study that showed that women think 80% of men are below average. Men, for all their flaws, have a more realistic distribution of what they find attractive. They may cast their lot with 10’s but if you look around, there are LOTS of perfectly average couples out there. The fact that you think your experience or dating pool is any worse than anybody else’s is the story here.
SparklingEmerald says
EMK@97.1
I read and commented on that article, and the men they showed that were voted “below average” I thought were pretty cute. I even gave my commentary in that article. Go ahead & search the article if you don’t believe me. I find a lot of men attractive, even men other women find too quirky. In fact, I thought many of those women must be nuts to vote those guys “below average”, and I really questioned how they gathered that info, and the accuracy of it.
I don’t think my dating story is any worse than anyone else in my age group, but it is a lot worse than it was in my younger days. In my younger days I would say that I was attracted to about 80% of the men who approached me. Now so few men approach me to begin with, and of those who do, I can only muster up attraction for a tiny portion of them. When I look out in the sea of available age appropriate men, I see a large percentage of men who are attractive enough, but the ones I think are cute don’t approach me, and the ones I fee ZERO attraction for do.
I don’t think men are to “blame” for any of this, if he’s not attracted to me, I would rather he didn’t approach, but I’m throwing in the towel because the only option left for me, are guys I’m not attracted to. Or one night stands and booty calls with the guys I am. Dating at 50+ is a crap shoot. I think I look good “for my age”, but unfortunately considering my age, that doesn’t count for much.
But I do think that the large percentage of really good looking guys dropping out of committed relationships, has skewed everything. I don’t want a super hot 10, but someone who’s kinda cute would be nice.
I don’t want to be like Maya, or any of the other girls who write to you and say they are involved with a man they aren’t attracted to because he was “so nice” to them. But that they can’t stand his face. How Yucky and How Cruel.
Seriously, when a 400 pound hair farmer, with a shirtless selfie in his 2 line profile sends me a wink or “You’re Hot” e-mail, I’m supposed to give him a chance ? No thank you.
Evan Marc Katz says
There you go with your black and white thinking again. Show me the post where I told you to go out with a 400 pound hair farmer and I’ll concede your point. Dating at 50+ is just called “dating.” Lots of my clients have success at it; which is why I’m unmoved by your consistent negativity about it. I care about you and want you to have love; I just don’t see what there is to say to you that would get you to become a glass half-full woman.
SparklingEmerald says
Why don’t you show ME, where I said I only go for 8, 9 & now “cast my lots for 10’s” ?
Why don’t you pull up the blog on the OKC study, which showed pics of men who were supposedly ranked low by women, and I commented and said I thought all but one of those guys were cute ?
Why do you and your brother from another mother Karl keep insisting that I want a tall, dark and handsome superstar, when I have never said anything to suggest that, and in fact have consistently said, just a nice average kinda cute person THAT I AM ATTRACTED TO, who treated me well is ALL I need.
I think you and your side kick like to throw out these false accusations because it fits YOUR narrative that women who aren’t coupled up is because they are “too picky”. (or too ugly)
I get rejected by these average Joes’. I don’t ever reach out to guys out of my league. I get rejected by the supposedly most love-lorn men in America, short men.
My inbox, mostly 400 pound hair farmers, or college kids cougar hunting or men old enough to be my dad. Or men looking for a nurse or a purse. And it’s not even e-mails, just winks and likes. I did better with my home made profile and my “separated” status. I thought a professional profile, photos and a DIVORCE would improve my responses, and they have gone down the drain.
When I finally meet a man that doesn’t make me cringe at the thought of him putting his arm around me even, he either flat out rejects me, or only wants a one night stand.
My glass isn’t half empty or half full, it’s cracked and doesn’t even hold water any more.
I felt positive and hopeful for about 2 years and NOTHING.
So much for positive thinking.
You said . . .
“I care about you and want you to have love”
Thanks, I do appreciate that, but game is over for me. There just aren’t enough men to go around. Due to their shorter life span, and a smaller percentage of men wanting a real relationship vs the percentage of women who want a real relationship, there’s just not enough to go around. It’s like a game of musical chairs, only instead of there being ONE less chair than people, it’s more like FIVE less chairs. Not everyone gets taken.
SparklingEmerald says
Steve55@70*** – At the time of this letter, she had been with him nearly a year. Her tragic lack of attraction for him is becoming more and more apparent. Giving it more time will just bring more heartache to them both.
While I DO think the real victim in this scenario is the “settled” for husband, I can actually understand how a woman can get caught up in a relationship with a guy based on how nice he is to her, while disregarding her own lack of attraction.
There IS societal pressure on women to give “nice guys” a chance. There IS a social stigma for women to still be single after a “certain age”. (Sometime after 30 women are considered “expired” if not married)
If a woman is uncoupled and unhappy about it, there is a chorus of societal voices saying that SHE is somehow defective, and if said lonely woman ever admits that SHE turned down a guy for lack of chemistry, then she is basically told to sit down and shut up, because –hey, she had a nice guy interested in her, and she turned him away. We’re not allowed to have a “laundry list” of qualities, (even if the that “list” has 2 reasonable qualities) and apparently, OUR lack of attraction isn’t an issue in relationships, we are just supposed to accept any guy who is into us, and disregard our own lack of attraction.
Also, if the mileage on a woman’s odometer is creeping up, (IOW, her number is getting to high) she may feel pressured to marry the guy who wants to marry her now in hopes that she will “learn to love him”, rather than take a chance that the next guy SHE feels it for will turn her down for having to high of a number.
I have been in her shoes minus the marriage a few times. Lonely, wanting to be in a relationship, a “nice guy” comes along and treats me well, wants to pursue a relationship with me. So I “give him a chance”, and then my attraction doesn’t grow, while his does . . . It feels really awful to break things off after a few dates under those circumstances. I can’t IMAGINE how awful it must feel to marry under those circumstances, and to be cringing at his touch.
I could understand how Maya found herself in a brief relationship under these circumstances, but to MARRY under them ?
All she can do now, is to set this man free to find a woman who will truly love him. Giving it more time is only cruel.
Once she gives him his freedom, he may find a wonderful woman who loves him back OR, he may be a bitter man who feels like he was played for a fool, and he may just go out on a revenge mission against women and tries to hurt as many women as he can.
Malcolm says
Maybe your standards for attractiveness can’t be changed . . . or maybe they can.
Here’s a first clue about it. Can you definitely and clearly say what is happening to you internally when you find someone attractive (?)
Can you say (?) Do you know (?)
SparklingEmerald says
Malcom at 98.1 – I’m not sure what you are getting at with your question, but I suspect it is more an agenda than a question.
Most people know if they are attracted to or not, weather they understand the internal mechanics of it or not. My understanding of sexual attraction is that there is a brain chemistry response, and then there are other physical responses that happen south of the brain. Attraction is NOT a choice, weather or not we choose to act on it IS a choice. When I find myself attracted to someone who isn’t a good match, hard as it may be, I walk away. If I meet a guy I feel ZERO attraction to or am repulsed by, I wish him well on his search. Believe me, I’ve TRIED to “give a guy a chance” to see if attraction grows, but no matter how “nice” he is, zero attraction means nothing happening internally that we call attraction. If there is a little glimmer of attraction, I’ll give it a chance, but if it’s zero attraction, it’s a no go. For 2 reasons. One reason is because I HATE that feeling of a guy trying to get touchy-feely-cozy with me, when I’m not feeling it back for him. The other reason is because I don’t like to play games with other people’s emotions. I know toying with other people’s hearts has become a national past time, with the players and spectators routing for their “team”, with their team being their gender, but I don’t want to play that game, and I don’t want to be a cheerleader on the sidelines saying “You go girl” when women play men to get the restaurant tour or boost their egos.
Right now, I am in a very, very new relationship with someone I met after I threw in the towel and said “screw it, I give up”. I did not have to talk myself into feeling attracted to him. The feeling seems to be mutual. I don’t have to nudge him to make plans with me and I don’t have to force myself to give him a chance. I know there is a lot of advice out there * telling women to settle for men they aren’t attracted under the theory that women can “learn to love” someone. Well, I don’t buy it. Yes, a little seed of attraction can grow, if nurtured, but zero attraction or downright repulsion is a no go.
By advice out there*, I am not talking about EMK, ok folks ?
Malcolm says
Well, let me offer you (a part of) my experience (which may or may not be useful or relevant to you, of course).
On the fly in everyday life, I sometimes notice that I’m having a “she’s attractive” response to a Woman. By that time, the underlying process (whatever it is) has already happened — it was instantaneous and below my level of awareness.
Then . . . I stop and ask myself “Why (?)” I never actually get an answer — that’s not the point.
Instead, what invariably happens is that I consciously and intentionally LOOK at the Woman for a moment or two. And 90% of the time, that initial experience of attraction recedes dramatically. It’s pretty interesting . . . and I’m inclined to think it’s also important and useful.
Best regards . . .
TJ says
@98 As someone married to a woman who does not and really never has found me attractive, I can not even begin to agree with you enough on how important it is for the woman to be attracted to her partner ( and vice versa of course). The hurt and pain I feel makes me so utterly sad and completely lonely. Now, as you’ve stated here is common, I’m a man that knows I married over my “number”. I did have several options then, and clearly she was the highest number. The others were perfectly fine and attractive to me as well, just not as much.
Your being honest with yourself is refreshing to me. What is , IS. I married someone who is still not honest with herself, and the price I’ve paid in lost happiness is hefty. I’ve clearly grown and developed other values as I’ve grown older (45 now), and I desperately wish I could have had that maturity when I was younger making decisons that have permanent effects. What I know, is that I would ABSOLUTELY seek partners more of my “number” or below as mutual attraction is much more valuable than just me being attracted to her, and frankly to me, average is more attractive now having experienced ao much pain. Further, I’ve learned that generally higher “number” people often lack the basic element of humility and kindness toward others. It seems you exist to serve them, as they’ve always gotten so much attention that they can do whatever they want.
I wish you luck in whatever your next step is, but learn from my wasted life with someone who is not attracted to me, you are right.
sm3233 says
I only found the patience to read a few posts and even after several glasses (which to most Irish woman equates to several bottles… _ and that is a loose joke) of wine I must wonder and ponder about my own relationship(s) _ I use that loosely because we build one relationship from another wither it be family, friends, ex’s or another variable. I am a recently 35 year young woman, I become frustrated because I look like I’m about 26ish (depending on lighting, mood of your day, and number of cocktails… that magically intertwined with a desperate falsity and a wishful thinking outcome the transformation between wanting to be a wholesome individual and a sexy pre cougar … well even I’m confused) but where does one go to meet someone of adequate measure. Trust me I don’t even mean meeting your “soul mate” but dam being single is no disease, and while it may have been wonderful at one time (and I do mean the single part) how about now?!!!
Suzanne says
Hello Singles
I am hearing a lot of anger so please relax. Now swallow this. I a 55 and matried twice. I have 2 grown kids. I go out a lot . A lot of men (not all) want me. Men from 30 to 65. So stop being all that. Be sweet . Be sexy ( your own brand ). Cook a great meal and be a great lover. Men want attention , food and sex. They are simple creatures. Good luck ladies.
J says
Thank you Suzzane 😀
Malcolm says
Karma to be like you are. Karma not to be.
Lisa says
simple is an understatement… you’re right …that’s what i love about men period ..is simplicity …the leg work is just exhausting at my age…..food , sex and great attention…that part is not hard …its egos that come with it.
SmartGirl says
It seems that everyone is missing the point. If you have been dating a long time without success, then you need to accept that the voting public have cast their vote. You’re just not as attractive as you want to believe and you are clearly attempting to date out of your league. Yes there are some time wasters out there but there are also lots of genuine guys. Ladies if you are being rejected over and over, then you are aiming too high and out of your league. Sorry, it’s the harsh truth, delivered to you by the general dating populace. There is nothing wrong with having high standards but you will just have to accept that your standards will keep you single indefinitely. If you really want a relationship, then you will need to get realistic about yourself. Sorry – very harsh truth – feel free to flame me! But like it or not it’s the truth.
Malcolm says
It’s supply and demand and their price is too high.
Lot of truth in that . . .
Lisa says
oh..please Gordo…or whoever you are…” Susan, your life doesn’t sound interesting”????? …..really Gordo? She is having the life she wants not what men like yourself wants…i’m guessing you’re getting ready for your hot date GORDO FORDO…that was a very ugly thing to say…and you’re on this site because…………..??? GO SUSAN! You sound beautiful with a fulfilling life that you see fit and having fun doing it..and I know without a plus one but dammit I agree with everything you are saying …I’m 45, very successful and yes…even beautiful …been told I was pretty on a daily basis which is one of the reasons i’m successful..NO …not because i used my body or looks to get here…..NO…I didn’t flirt my way up or anything like that…I was fired from a job one time by the owner’s wife because she said i was too pretty to work in her establishment..yes…she actually said the words…geesh…there should be a new meaning for an “at will” state…several companies I worked at…if it wasn’t the CEO himself , owner , proprietor or some male exec coming on to me it was some man thinking he could get a date or two from me…i got so tired of it …so I got pissed off and had a choice of getting their millions through the courts..i didn’t have time for both so I started my own business and became quite successful at it…I’m also intellectual ..i’ve done ballet for years including crossfit and other physical activities, so my body is quite fine for my age..i must say…I am very pleasant to talk with and quite approachable. I smile while turning heads when i walk into the room so people don’t think i am not approachable. I can work a room with the best of them with all walks of life. I don’t do it as much as Susan …(GO GIRL) but i’m a out there a little bit. I’m very nice so I’ll greet a bum on the street just before I walk into a five star….however, I’m exhausted ..Most men I dated are professionals..and they started to make me tired…because they are smart and professionals in their business and don’t know how to treat a woman is not a relationship make…trust me..i’ve done the leg work…most of them didn’t want to go home to the women like myself…however, it would give them bragging rights to the point of the show…pretty, smart and sexy lady on my arm and chest all out…but they didn’t want to start life with the women like me…it’s a joke…and I love when men like EVAN says…let the man be a man…that’s hogwash…I do exactly that…Ok…we don’t have to discuss the equation of PI or the relations of circles and spheres.. or talk about binary codes and HTML ..i can talk about the latest and greatest world events or come up with a good dry humorous joke or two..and I’ll rub some sore feet when he gets home paired with a hot bath and hot treats as well..i’m not a prude! ..I’m also a great cook..ok..I know i eat organic and shop for foods without nutrient labels…but i can throw down on a good burger for the sake of a social date or a cook out…of course….I’ll pair it with a good red or something but i can have fun with food just like the rest of my fabulous female sisters would do on a date…and internet dating for me is a total joke…i went on three dates found on those “DIY ..fake a profile because i’m a loser at dating” dating sites…every one of them lied on their profile..I gave it a good diligent 6 months…i poked back, like a photo or two…even excepted a few flirts ..chatted a little…i was involved….it was absolutely horrific ..I demanded my money back ..and they gave it to me…NEVER AGAIN…I’m like Susan with that…I saw my shadow and boom…i’m going back in! i said ok…try facebook….I actually met a great guy …we started spending a great deal of time together ..I could actually sit with him and have great conversations without my brain hurting.. he was a retired navy captain and a single father of two very mature and smart boys..i admired him and had a great deal of respect for him, as so he with me. we really had fun together and he was actually one of the few guys that I could and wanted to spend a lot of time with and had a ball doing so..he was very kind and sweet and extremely intuitive….I love love love intuitive men! ..i didn’t have to play “identify my feelings” with him… but he wasn’t looking for a relationship…of course ..all i heard was “he wasn’t looking for a relationship with me” he told me that i didn’t need him..HA!!!…that one put me over the edge for sure…so..it ended..and it was time to close that time sucking adult virtual world down…i was disgusted between the likes and the unwanted invites to “just because its Tuesday” events that I wouldn’t even invite myself to and watching grown people tell me how many freaking candy crush points they have ..like i was really interested in what level you are on a virtual game..hell…i don’t even eat candy…really? …and because i didn’t feel the need to know info on where you’re going that weekend didn’t do it for me..so, I closed the account and spent my 45th birthday at my beachfront waiting for my REAL friends to call and wish me happy birthday! way too much pressure and all the NEWS I could NOT USE bored me out of my martini …. so Susan, my girl…there is nothing wrong with you ..I wake up like this…Love me or leave me ..I just want someone to eat cheese with…I don’t need a man to wine and dine me…I don’t need expensive jewelry or fancy cars and I don’t need to know how much money in anyone’s bank account…I don’t need for a man to show me off or eat expensive caviar …or display fancy pretentious affairs or baubles…I have all that..seen all that and do all that and did all that..I’m simply not impressed…I could honestly eat cheese with a man that loves me more than life itself.. there is someone for my crazy self that will embrace me in all of my non perfect world never beige most fabulous self…
Malcolm says
Does this woman give the impression of being . . . calm and soothing (?)
A lot of Men . . . like a Woman who is calm and soothing.
tamara says
LOL! The above 2 comments really made me laugh 🙂
Lisa says
hmm..Malcolm ..and why are you on this forum? because your date card is filled up? and you come here to share all your wonderful experiences …correct?
J says
Hey Lisa,
Try Evan’s help. If it does not work, take your money back. What do you have to lose if you already have and do everything you want … as you said ?
Lisa says
Thanks..J…I just might…I’m open to learning ..i’m just so exhausted…and i guess a little fed up…
J says
Hi Lisa,
I can imagine how tired you might be … but please … do not give up … have a leap of faith … If you are as much amazing as you described yourself … you certainly deserve someone really good (inside and outside) … and sometimes “good” takes time and patience. My fingers are crossed for you 🙂
andrea says
First, to get to the heart of the problem. You can’t assume there is someone right out there for everyone. You don’t know that.
Secondly our culture breeds contempt between the sexes. And who profits from this. All the companies that sell products to keep you busy when you are bored and lonely and hoping to distract or improve yourself from your bored loneliness. Who could that be? Corporations that want you to work extra long hours, companies selling things to make you more attractive to the opposite sex, porn, video games, even the military, television, media in general…basically all the industries that you wouldn’t spend nearly as much of your time and money on if you had someone great to go for a walk with or cuddle with or do something with that doesn’t involve spending money on those businesses. Look at the utter contempt we are propagandized with today and ask yourself why would anyone do that?
SpanklingEmerald says
Andrea @ 104 – Thanks for your comment. I was beginning to think it was time for me to don a tin foil hat and be on the look out for black helicopters, but sometimes I see an insidious hand behind the hatred and contempt being stirred up between the sexes. And I wondered to my self “WHY would anyone want to do that ?”
There are websites for women who hate men and there are websites for men who hate women. Lots of ugliness on all of them.
I was beginning to think that perhaps the companies that sell foreign brides were behind this. Either to sell their mail order brides, or perhaps the larger goal is just to get American Citizenship for as many non Americans as possible. Every now and then, men will pop onto this board to say that ALL American women are worthless and then proceed to say “Let me help you buy a foreign bride”.
But as you have pointed out, there are many companies who can profit if men and women are constantly seeking but never finding a satisfying relationship.
Jonathan Castle says
Boom!
Yes, We have been so poisoned against each other.
At this point I don’t see how it can be reversed. Feminism is now being countered by MGTOW and what do you get? A lot of lonely, angry, atomized people.
Oh, that we lived in the good old days…
RustyLH says
I have been reading the experiences of the women on this thread, and it suddenly hit me how identical their experience is to that of the average young men from high school through their mid and sometimes late 20’s. Finding a mate for many men at that point in their lives was one of heartbreak, frustration, rejection, self doubt, anger at women, low self esteem, and even at times – opting out, etc…
Maybe understanding that a bit will help women understand, and even be more forgiving of men. A Brazilian woman once told me that they have a saying about this kind of imbalance. “While you laugh, I cry.” It may be healing for women to understand that there was a time where they laughed, and men cried. Now that has reversed. While it may not be nice, it must be understood that in many ways, men are simply mirroring how women acted. I don’t think men actually do it with malice, they do it for the same simple reason that women did. Because they can. Because they have more choices available to them. Choices that are acceptable to them..even remaining single.
Peace & Serenity says
I stumbled across this post and have been interested by it as I believe I have the same perspective as the original poster at one point in my life. One book that has really shifted my perspective on dating is, If the Buddha Dated…..and I recommend it for anyone who wants a break from the more “tradition” datiing perspective.
I was not able to read through every post—but in reading through some I noticed some reoccurring statements such as “I’m attractive” “I have been told that Im attractive”, “I have my own life–activities–friends”, “I have tried online dating”, “online dating is hard”, “I’m thin –Im fit –Im ….Im not ugly (wow what a judgement there–what IS ugly to you anyway)”, “men only want women who are supermodels and they are only a “5” or below average “…..and a few more others
Here are my thoughts:
First lets take the physical:
IMO being in a relationship is not ultimatly about being what you call fit or thin or attractive — as all of those things are subjective (yes even “thin”). To me it shows that there is some sort of yardstick, or measurement that you are holding yourself and others up against, (not that you consciously think that but in those comments an underlyng judgement seems to be implied). It also seems like the thinking of one who makes those comments could be that these are the things that attract a man and since you have those things then men should be attracted to you (there’s and expectation and assumption there too).
However, what about people that YOU SEE AS not fit, or thin (when is your perception on thinness a prerequisite for a relationship anyway), or attractive, does that mean that they are not? Are those the people that you feel should not be in relationships or don’t have people who want to pursue relationships with them? Is that actually true?
I feel that attractiveness is all in the eye of the beholder. Fitness varies from person to person, and whatever you perceive as thinness is not at ALL a prerequisite for a relationship! I guess my main observation is that there is a ton of judgements in these statements, and the one thing about judgements is that they can be limiting even if one is not aware of their presence.
Next: Online dating is hard!
My thoughts–its hard if you say it’s hard. Look at your perspective of what hard is. What are you expecting from online dating, or dating in general. Are you expecting that all men be a certain way, that the dates or interactions are going to result in a long term relationship, that its not acceptable to initiate online contact, that if you had a few, some , or many dates that did not meet your expectations then its a worthless cause?
To me now, dating is a process, a learning experience, and opportunity to teach me something about myself and of cours an opportunity to interact with someone who I did not know before. Its only hard if I say its hard and if my expectations are that it will turn out a certain way.
Also , online dating is only one way to meet someone- when I divide that I want to put energy into dating I will have a variety of avenues to meet people: dance classes and events, singles outings, special interest activities and clubs, friends, out of town events, traveling to other countries, and continuing these things again with the perspective that there is no “perfect time” but if I keep meeting people odds are I will find someone who Im compatible with and who is compatible with me!
Finally: Perspective!!!!!
For me life is greatly about perspective–you can’t change anyone else ….but the one thing you absolutely CAN change is your thinking —which in turn changes your feelings—which in turn changes your energy!
I have been looking at how I perceive things, my core beliefs about myself and others, and the energy that that puts out. Not because Im trying to find romantic relationship, but because I believe that investing time in changing my thinking and perspective and outlook on life and those around me is of immense value to me and for me.
From that place I can then decide for myself I I really do want to invite someone into my life in a romantic way and put energy into actually being open, receptive, and excited about that happening. I hope that I will come to recognize quickly when I meet men who I may be open to having a romantic relationship with but who may not (for whatever reason) be on that same page, wish them well and continue on –not thinking of it as rejection or thinking anything less of myself but being grateful for the experience—but not spend months hoping for something to develop and continue to meet and explore other possible romantic interests. (Same for if I meet someone who is romantically interested in me but me not in them).
I believe relationships are to be had by many, around the world, and they all look different, sound different, are for different reasons, and play out in different ways. In my opinion, really if you just want to be in a relationship—there is one to be had! It may not look like what you thought, or come in the way that you thought ( I lived overseas and have a friend who said she would never find someone, but when she moved to a different country, she ended up meeting a guy from that country , and now they are married..lol).
Hope this helps someone out there!
Happy relating 🙂
Steve says
Hi,
I think a lot of things happening isn’t overly genres related. If you look at yourself and stop comparing to others, and realize there are a lot of people out there. Lots of people are alone or depressed or afraid to fully enjoy life, I can’t blame them because life is not easy (atleast not for everyone).
People have demons and troubles, bad memories, experiences and apprehension. Add all the issues and human element and you’ll understand why just having an active life or doing things isn’t going to change much, unless you change your view of life radically.
A lot of people have too much expectations born from time and experimentation and pain. Being afraid throughout life, they constantly try to think they deserve or can get better. Sadly reality is not as good to most people as society would portray.
I went from radical changes in my life in the last couple years and I could drastically see the amount of beautiful women eyes adding up as some changes took place, I learned to love myself more than I ever did, in a real and honest way. When you shine your brightest, people you deserve are much more than likely to notice and be attracted to you.
Once you look past just good looks or superficial, it’s actually genuinely difficult to meet quality people, it takes a lot of efforts and you need to be out there constantly to make it happen, in the real world it’s more like a persistance, luck and number game more than anything.
Good luck to all of you, I’m still looking!
Sam Rogers says
When I was in my 30s I married a Russian lady ten years younger than myself. It was fantastic: I never changed a diaper, washed dishes, did laundry, etc. I did man’s work and she did woman’s work. She made a few western female friends and gradually her attitude changed for the worse.
After ten years of marriage I had to divorce her because she became intolerably westernized and bitchy. Now that I’m in my mid-40s I go to Thailand a few times a year and dip my stick in 20-somethings. Life is great!
42 year old western woman? Ha ha, I don’t think so.
Julia says
Wow, so you travel around the world to pay for sex. You seem like a real catch.
Karmic Equation says
How cynical.
Just as a “good man is hard to find” for women in her 40’s, so apparently are good women for men.
But we exist.
If you truly want to date a good American woman and have a relationship, she’s out there, but you have to work a little harder to find her.
If all you want are easy lays with pretty girls in her 20’s, then Thailand, Columbia, among others are places you can go for that.
My exhusband had friends who were 5’s/6’s that annually would plan trips to Thailand or Columbia for that express purpose. They were banging 10s out there whereas the American 10’s here wouldn’t even look at them. I always felt sorry for these men. It’s just their way of dealing with rejection from American women.
Scooter says
You feel sorry for them?
Exactly what, pray-tell, do you expect these men to do? Well.. since I don’t know those men you mentioned, I can’t speak for them. But here is my description in a nutshell:
-Highly educated (PhD in hard science, 2 BS degrees.
-Very fit. Play a sport at a competitive (albeit recreational) level.
– Independent thinker.
I’ll leave the “I look young”, or “I’ve been told I have an attractive face” out of this, because it’s all just arbitrary commentary. You don’t know if its true, and for that matter, neither do I; people could just be blowing smoke at me.
So what’s my issue? Well.. I am a 43 yr old male. That in itself shouldn’t be too big a deal. But the following two traits ARE a big deal to American women, and especially to those located in the midwest, and perhaps the southern USA:
1) I have an “ethnic” look; I appear Spanish. You wouldn’t think this would be such a big deal? It friggin’ IS. Fact: people want what they are familiar with. Women who grow up in largely Caucasian populations are going to desire that. I understand this, and don’t hold it against women, but it is a major obstacle.
2) I am 5’5″. I am happy with my appearance, but women.. especially American women, have height requirements. NOT preferences.
So rounding back to the original point, much like your men rated 5-6, what am I supposed to do? It’s so difficult for me to get a date, and moving overseas is a drastic measure which I cannot afford on several levels. And thus, believe me, I have thought about going to South America, or Thailand, or wherever, just for fun with some women (who are not hookers). Because in the end, I want to feel wanted. I would like to have a few dates/experiences with attractive women who don’t care about my height or ethnic look.
As for “good American women in their 40s”.. I am sure they are out there. But, I am equally sure they are rare.
tamara says
Sigh, I hope and pray my male friends (some of the sweetest ppl alive–so don’t give up hope, ladies~) don’t end up soo cynical like u…Out of curiosity, why Thailand? Aren’t there enough prostitutes in ur own country?
Julia says
I doubt your sweet male friends are anything like this guy. This man hasn’t just given up on western women, he is a misogynist who hates women who think for themselves. That’s why he got a mail-order bride. It seems though once she got a green card, she left his controlling butt. Now he flies half way around the world to pay women for sex. This guy is no price. No kind, loving woman ANYWHERE should have to settle for a man like this.
tamara says
@Julia: That’s true, they’re nothing like him, but then they’re 30 and below whereas Sam is in his mid-40s, and it’s possible (though hopefully improbable) that their next 15 yrs will harden them till they think like him.
U’re right that he’s not a great guy, and it’s for the best that he’s removed himself from the dating pool as he’d probably make his partner miserable with his attitude. But Karmic is also right that it’s kinda sad, I think–perhaps he’s had such bad experiences with women that he’s become a woman-hater. Be nice to the guys in your life. 🙂 I think guys who feel loved and cared for by women are unlikely to become misogynistic.
starthrower68 says
It’s easy for him to come on here and say such things in relative anonymity. He’s entitled to his opinions and attitudes as long as he is honest with women about who he is and what he’s about. I would not wish that on any woman but if she sees what he’s about and still gets involved then she at least does so with her eyes wide open and she has to take ownership of that choice. I am not sure, however, that such men are aware that they are doing American women a favor by going out of the country. We would all like to find live, but not, I think, at any cost.
Pablo2 says
Well, I am a 40 year old south american and I do the same: go to Thailand, sleep with a pretty 20s-30s European lady in vacations. Even in my country no 40 year old can compete with a late 20s from Sweden or Czech Republic. Sorry, bu that ´s reality. And those late 20s women are SMART! Not only cute and nice, they are intelligent as well.
Realistic 1 says
After landing on this site, I have read a lot and will continue to read more, but I’ve got to say, that I’ve realized that no matter where or how people are meeting each other, the outcome appears to be the same. From hearing stories and not just here, it’s all pretty much the same ‘ol thing, it seems.. the same experiences, some of which I relate to from my dating and relationship past.
I would wonder at times what was wrong with me, when something didn’t work out, since I would attract men in public without trying and have successful dates and long-term relationships. However things do not always last, based upon how many begin relationships and each individual’s personality and capacity for anything steady. I don’t think that anyone should feel like failures, just due to our negative experiences, but there is such pressure for people to succeed at becoming and remaining a couple.
It makes it very difficult for women especially, when the overall idea for men has become to unrealistically seek the most perfect-looking or idealized female they can imagine. Since this is promoted in constant imagery, instead of focusing at the goods inside for BOTH men and women, it is pretty hopeless. As a female ages, it becomes more difficult, no matter how nice looking we may remain to be. I’ve said, I can touch up the exterior, but I cannot change my age, which, honestly, on the inside, I am still the same girl as always – just more experienced! As many women must feel, some men are really missing out on something that could be stable, fun, sexually responsive and intellectually stimulating, due to their just desiring an empty “Barbie doll”.
I believe that people would be much happier, if we were raised on “equal terms”, instead of being subjected to separate influences that are not going to bring real people together. We should all be “developing properly from the inside out” – not that this does not exist, but I think it is unfortunately rare to stumble upon another who is not only balanced emotionally, but who is worth being involved with, no matter the exterior.
H says
Some people may need to change something… perhaps. But there are people who definitely do NOT need to change anything about them – unless they want to settle for a person who is no real match for them, AND commit a major crime by suppressing their God-given (or nature-given, whatever) qualities. Such people may be rare – though I suspect that they are less rare thn one would think – but they do exist, and their main “problem” is that they are simply TOO GOOD for most. Yes, that’s right. It may be politcially incorrect, but the reality is, while all people should have equal opportunities, not all people are equally accomplished or naturally endowed. Let’s not pretend it isn’t so.
There is also the little matter of people living in remote places or places where the choice is numerically reduced to start with. What would you advise them to do? The internet again?
The internet seems to work relatively fine for those whose standards aren’t particularly high to begin with (no offence intended to anyone reading this). And even in those cases, chances are interesting people would be from other countries; and long-distance relationships don’t work well mst of the time… that’s if a relationship develops at all.
I sound angry, don’t I? I am – somewhat. But not anyone in particular – just at “fate”, if you will. And at all those who keep babbling platitudes (not to me, but I’e heard and read it often enough) like “you’l find someone when you least expect it”, “you’ll find someone when you’re not looking”, “there is someone for everyone” and so on. (Not to mention those “twin flames” believers.)
I have never looked. I always thought I would MEET the love of my life – meet, not “find”.
I did not.
I’ll be damned if I start looking now!
But I am angry, yes. Because sometimes – most times, lately – I just don’t see the point of having been blessed in the genetic lottery (and I don’t mean just looks and intelligence and talent and a kind heart) and then having to spend life without love, without good sex (which I LOVE!), without tenderness, without someone stronger than myself to be my rock.
At other times I remember: it is because not “having” anyone pushed me to develop in myself all those things that I would have loved in others. And now I actually don’t NEED anyone.
But it still hurts not to be able to embrace someone, to feel my heart skip a few beats, to kiss and make love, to have fun in life with a man who’d love me as much as I’d love him.
Jeremy says
H, I feel for you and understand your comments and tone. It is fascinating to me, as a male, the incredible difference in perspective in the way that men and women approach relationships. Both men and women may be frustrated at their inability to find a mate, but only a woman would have written the things you did.
It all comes down to what we look for in a mate. Most men look for their complement – a woman who is unlike them, and possesses qualities they like but don’t have, but want in a mate (Especially feeling, sensitivity, sensuality, nurturing).
Most women look for a man who is like them (an “equal”) – who possesses the qualities they have, and value in themselves – only better. Hence your comment about having someone stronger than yourself to be your rock. Problem is that the more that a woman develops qualities in herself that were traditionally masculine, the less percentage of the male population will qualify as better than her. Thus, no one will be attractive to her except for the very elite males who have almost limitless choice among females.
A man would never write that he couldn’t find a mate because he was too good for everyone. First of all, what does that have to do with finding a mate? (Answer – nothing for a man, everything for a woman). A man might say that he can’t seem to meet someone attractive enough, kind enough, sexy enough (who likes him back), but would never say that all women out there are his inferiors. Even if it were true, it would be irrelevant. Are we looking for equals or complements?
happy single says
Most of my friends are married. They’re not any happier than I am, even though I have spent my whole adult life alone and I am now close to 50.
Happiness doesn’t depend on the physical conditions of your life: whether you’re married or not; whether you have children or not; whether you’re fat or thin; whether you’re rich or poor.etc. etc. etc.
Happiness is a gift you choose to give yourself. You must choose to give this gift to yourself over and over and over again until it becomes a habit.
How to you give yourself the gift of happiness? Practice gratitude: start each day by listing 10 things you are so grateful and happy for. Practice love: be kind, accepting, and generous with yourself and others. Practice health: feed yourself properly, go to bed early, exercise your body. Practice engagement with life: Focus on doing the activities that fill you with joy.
Bill says
Well there are certainly many of us great men out there that want so much to meet a good woman to settle down with too, but we are having so much trouble. There are so many very stuck up women that play very hard to get, since they really do think their God’s gift to men. But they are certainly Not.
The Known Truth says
So many of you women out there play very hard to get, and what makes you so damn picky? You date men that treat you so rotten, and yet you stay with them. There are many of us good men out there that do treat women very well, and with respect too.
Truth Is says
Well many of the women today are very Picky when it comes to Relationships.
Nadia S. says
I’m 32, and I am in the same boat. I’m actually even more inexperienced than most people who have responded to this blog. I often wonder why I haven’t met someone, and it seems like with every growing day it becomes less and less possible that it will. I’m not purposely trying to sound negative, but I think I’m just trying to sound realistic. I’m honestly starting to believe that it’s just not meant to be for me, and I’m trying to have a more positive and realistic approach on life. I have my health and some other positive things in my life. At the end of the day, everyone has their own destiny in life, and for whatever reason marriage and relationships is not always in the cards.
Stev says
I am a 24 yr old man, in my life i’ve had four women make advances tordward me. I thought this information might help confused or frustrated ladies.
Woman #1 i found her attractive, she was a slim redhead with huge breasts. I initiated her with casual talking and a little flirting at a study group. Now ill tell you the “moves” she made on me. She started sitting next to me in class (which was fine). She pushed for us to be partners on a project (fine as well), would text to study together and stuff, one time she even gave me a massage (awesome). She was a little wierd but it didnt bother me, i thought it was interesting. ( however, often she would wear strange outfits that would put me off, example: an oversized green hoodie that she “found” i think it may have even been for men.) We hung out at my place and had sex a few times. She would be the first to text/contact me usually ( which was also cool). As time went on i saw that she was immature and decided i wouldnt want to date her (she brought it up and i told her that i wasnt interested in a gf). We stopped seeing eachother for awhile but then started to have sex off and on. Sometimes she would still show a interest in a relationship and wish i was into her.
Sorry if that came across as arrogant.
Women #2 was not that attracted to her. She wasnt overweight and was nice. Was very wierd and word strange clothes that were not attractive. She had wierd tattoos all over her body (even one inside her mouth) done by her ex boyfriend. On probation or something ( so was woman #1). I met her at a frat party and hung out with her and her friends that night after they invited me. She invited me to have dinner that night right after she dropped me off saying she was hungry, i did. She invited me out the next night and i did. She invited me to study/eat for several days after that, everyday. I came the first few times but im a busy guy. I told her ide let her know next time to hang and just never texted her. I had an open mind about her but was just not that into her, especially not to invest so much time right off the bat.
Women #3 was sorta attracted to physically. She was a slender asain but fdidnt really have the “assets” i like. She was pretty normal, had a decent personality, and no wie d quirks, also dressed cute. Got her number at a concert and a week an a half later she texts me saying we should meet up, she invites me out a few times but i couldnt go. We eventually go clubbing but had woman #2 with us so i didnt do anything bold cause they were nice woman and i didnt want to hurt anyones feelings. I could tell she was more of a bar scene person than me also. I dont really know what most people usually do at clubs so they next time me and #3 went out, clubbing, with her friends she didnt text me afterwards and things werent really clicking that night. Inwas dissapointed because i was into her, but i think i may have acted strange that night.
#4 woman was slim asian, (same as #3, but less into her). She was agressive in asking me to dance ( this was at a salsa club, i dance salsa) we danced. She acted strange to me and was clearly not an american (she kept insisting she was though, which was even more wierd. After the dance she came sat down with me and went as far as to tell me i was handsome several times (i know how i sound). I somehow escaped eventually. Did not get laid that night, stupid me.
Advice to women wanting to approach: approach (dont “accidently” approach), them if they always order that drink or someone thing. Show interest but dont start calling shots. I mean everyone inawhile is fine but dont always be the one making plans. Act coy and drop hints. The nature of these hints should depend on the type of person you are
Lynn says
This is me. However, when I was younger (and attracting a lot of men) I got the travel bug. I settled into a career in my 30s but the men that were still single then in my circles tended to be immature players. I think this is what happened a lot in Generation X because with 2+ economic recessions the road has been so much harder and longer for men to financially get into a place where they could be responsible and provide for a family so instead they just dated around. I’ve watched men my age finally come into their own and then they turn around and go for younger women (and the women desired get younger and younger as we get older). I don’t think it says anything about me or other single women my age at all – it’s a trend. Gen X women have kinda gotten screwed in the dating department if we didn’t find someone our age when we were in our twenties.
We could move to Europe. They generally tend to go for people their age over there – both men and women.
aaa123 says
Ok – so here comes my stint on online dating. I always thought online dating was a complete and total joke and like everything else, I am very cynical about it and don’t expect it to amount to shit. Ironically, I am having good luck with online dating. (I am 32) In fact, my dating experiences in the past two years though have not been so bad: and there are a couple of reasons for this 1) I have very realistic expectations, and am not rushing towards marriage (I think the worst thing one can do is rush and end up with someone incompatible or even worse, abusive). You really need to slow down and figure out what’s best for YOU 2) I have slightly more time than I did in previous years to sit down and go on a couple of boring dates, and taking the time out has actually impacted my dating life positively because I seem less stressed. I was single for many MANY years before this and I’m not even sure why, but I think stress/routine was a major part of it.
I DO HAVE TO SAY though, I approach online dating very differently from some of the people on here. First, I think it should be only ONE avenue for meeting people. The reason I joined was because I want to find someone with more similar interests and think the questionanire helps a little with sorting, and I came to this conclusion after dating a very nice guy actually, who I met at a club; and he was my age and really good looking guy to boot 😉 BUT (and there is always a but, since noone is perfect) I am the more educated one and he was a little more blue collar. I gave it a good go for a long time but eventually realized that we didn’t have much to talk about, which was difficult towards the end because having full conversations was like pulling teeth; and what was worse was that he did like to have several more drinks than me when we went out, and I am really rooting to not end up with someone that drinks a lot.
So I later on met a very charming good looking/educated guy BUT he ended up being a total player, and perpetually on social networks/online, and on FACEBOOK talking to girls. My advice on that is this: if it is someone that is on social networks a LOT and seems to date a LOT, AVOID them like the plague. Some people really think it is a “numbers” game, but the problem is since they dont slow down long enough to enjoy their time with anyone, it DOES end up being a numbers game, because they’re just cycling through so many people that what makes you think you’ll be special enough to make them slow down? And if you’re the person cycling through so many people, why are you going so fast? After 10 dates in 3 weeks you’re not going to stop at the 11th and think you’ve hit the jackpot, you’ll actually just be too stressed/tired to enjoy yourself if you don’t space it out. Immediately cut out people that are more into quantity than quality, because they will waste your time and be flaky, and genuinely ASK Yourself if you are that person.
So I corresponded with a bunch of guys and I eventually met one nice guy that is about five years younger than me. Frankly, I am a little worried he is younger but he has similar interests, is nice, and cute. I was NOT overwhelmingly attracted to him at first, and I also found the second and third dates a bit boring, but I allowed the time to pass and eventually found myself more attracted and it is going well for now!
Mind you, I am like the furthest thing that you can imagine from being nice, pleasant, and having a good attitude on first and second dates. I am actually perpetually grumpy on first dates because I find them to be so lame! But the thing is, don’t even bother to pretend that you’re having a great time when you’re not, it just comes across as fake. Me, I like to crack a joke about how awkward the whole process is, and even when it doesnt work out I usually end up getting the other person’s perspective and men frequently open up to me about how they have a shit time with online dating too, and who WOULDNT, I mean it’s awfully artificial, superficial, and awkward, but it’s just kind of the crap you have to go through sometimes in order to widen your social circle given other constraints (for example, if everyone at your workplace is married). So my advice is keep your head up, SLOW DOWN, and lower the pressure to getting married, its not your fault, everyone is single these days anyway.
aj says
there’s a lot of good men out there who want to be comitted,and some is so gay there non left for women like us.
Really says
Most women are very picky nowadays when it comes to finding love, and i will never understand why many of them will go with the bad boy type of guy. Doesn’t make any sense at all. But then again, most women these days are very complicated to begin with. The good old fashioned women years ago were certainly the best compare to today, and i wish that i had been born much earlier when most women were normal back then which would’ve made it much easier for us guys looking for love today.
Great Brittany says
So 42 is old?! Really?! What happens when you turn 65?! Will you be ancient then?! That is a really bad attitude about age! And that is called Ageism; it’s a form of discrimination! You telling women that they are old at 42 is really insulting! I’m 42!
Jonathan Castle says
I’m 48, so don’t get mad at me.
But men are biologically attracted to fertile women. Just a fact of life. A woman whose fertility window is closing won’t pull as much attention.
I don’t know what women are listening to that they would deny this basic law of life. Aging isn’t fun for men either.
Pre-feminism, women provided a lot of other value to men, so age wasn’t maybe as much a discriminator…but that’s mostly gone now as women hate serving men in any capacity.
So, we’re down to raw attraction which is great if you’re 20…not so much at 42.
My advice is think about ways you can bring other value into a man’s life.
candice says
Why should we work harder to get married? Let’s take a leaf out of men’s book.
Let’s have babies with sperm donors, sex with young men no older than 25 years old and let’s have as company our girlfriends and a puppy/cat. Who needs to wash extra socks,have sex with a big belly guy guy who is trying to cheat on us on first opportunity and put up with farts and burps on a daily basis?
We only need a good job and money.
At the end of the day if someone nice gets alone it’s alright. If it doesn’t it’s still alright. It’s not the end of the world. On the contrary it can be quite peaceful.
John says
32 single guy . you know how I found this blog I typed ” I guess I’m screwed if I’m looking on the Internet ” into google and I was t necessarily looking for this but, damn. If I meet a 10 and she’s great inside then awesome I’ve dated a ten phycopath before it’s not even a little fun after a month and I was with her for two years. point being absolutely I’d date someone not a supermodel but with all do respect weather your a man or a woman you have to be physically attracted to your partner. and I still have hope that person is out there I know she is. ps I also dated what I would consider a 6 for two years and she was horrible too and she cheated the phyco didn’t even do that.
TheRealHonestTruth says
Well there are a lot of us good single men out there that feel the same way which many of us are certainly Not single by choice, and since so many women today are very independent, high maintenance, selfish, very spoiled, very picky, has a lot to do with it why we Never met a good woman to settle down with to have a family which many of us would’ve really wanted. We certainly Can’t blame ourselves since the women today have really changed over the years, and i wish that i could’ve been born much earlier since i would’ve been able to find a good old fashioned woman to settle down with since Most of the women in those days were much more nicer and Easier too meet which today many women are Nothing like they were. I mean, why would i ever blame myself to begin with like i have just mentioned since it is Not my fault that i am all alone now when i could’ve been easily married with a family of my own. Comparing the women today too years ago which many of the women back then were very much raised by good parents to find a good man to settle down with which many of them wanted to get married to have a family as well, and today Most of their parents are raising their children Wrong which is a real shame. And Both men and women years ago worked very hard to make ends meat, well at least most of them did since there was No such thing as a high maintenance woman either unless their parents were Rich to begin with.
B says
“If I’m a great woman, why haven’t I met anyone else great?”
Simple: you’re not humble.
I won’t say anymore. Just let that sink in. If you don’t, then YOU don’t understand.
Aj says
you have to think of it as if every person who is thinking like that keeps waiting for that other person to find u. Who’s doing the finding. It’s as simple as that and I can garantee when u think about it you have probably met a lot of the right people and just didn’t realise at the time. So start being the the one who makes the first move. Or at least assume they’ll always make the second 😇
Rachel says
Well I am a 34 year old single woman, who is good looking, attractive so I’ve been told, funny and a singer in a band with a full life, friends and family. I wasted years with a guy who was long distance and wouldn’t commit.
Now having being single for quite a while I have put the effort in to find a man who I can build a future with, I would like to get married and have a amily someday.
But matter what effort I make to put myself out there and go on online dates I always get men who pretend to want more at first, but then state later on that they are not ready, or over their past issues ec
I always work on myself and try different things while dating, hopefully learning lessons along the way but it does feel hopeless now, reading all these dating articles and advice has helped somewhat as I don’t waste my time on someone if they don’t fully want the same things as me.
People around me tell me to give up and he will find me.
So far that’s not working either.
Dudly says
I think people need to let go of the idea of a relationship. Too much of their happiness seems to hinge on it. I didn’t start dating until my mid 20’s and I was perfectly fine, ( maybe I felt a lot of social pressure to date), but I was never lonely. My belief is that, there may never be the right person for you. It may be that you have your hangups or they are all taken. I dont usually find anybody I would want to date but I meet a lot of interesting people. Maybe I’m weird but I think your happiness should come within, not from another.
sharica says
I’ve been married before but my ex husband. Was a disgrace let me tell you something. Ladies. Never trust any siblings around your husband.
Lisa says
Wow lots of ladies unhappy with Evan on here so I am going to defend him. We have gone back and forth a lot on things but here is the bottom line. I don’t like what he has to say and neither do most women like me but ladies I’m sorry to tell you he’s right. Are you going to find that unicorn man if you keep doing things the way you are doing them sure maybe but that’s unlikely. So either you can choose to be alone and enjoy your life as it is and Evan many of us ladies will or you can change what you are doing and find a man. I wish Evan was wrong I wish things were different. But I also wish I was a millionaire and could eat and never gain weight. Women in our 30s and 40s were sold a bad bill of goods. We were raised in an era of girl power. Get educated be independent be a leader don’t rely on men be your own woman. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. You can have it all a gorgeous man a high powered career. Don’t conform just be yourself and someone will love you and so that’s what we did. The problem is that while that has gotten many of us really far in the business world and we own our own cars and homes and are CEOs and partners at firms many of us are still single despite also being very attractive and despite really trying. I did everything went on a billion online dates etc gave guys chances all that jazz but realize that the personality that made me successful otherwise in life is unlikely to ever make me successful in dating. Are there men that would date this writer and me as is sure but they representative about 5% of the dating pool and if you think about how many more women are getting educated and succeeding beyond that of men then there are a lot of women competing for that 5%. So if you are over 35 and average you are SOL these men have their picks of PhDs that look like supermodels so that’s why they act arrogant. Many career women married great men but notice they did it younger. Those men were the unicorns and they were snatched up early on while we were working on building our careers and climbing the corporate ladder. When we were ready our prince would be there right? That’s what we were told? Men have not yet caught up with societal changes at least not men in the 30 or above crowd. They know they are supposed to have. Take the recent study that shows that men say they want smart women but in reality actually are threatened by them. I think part is biology but part is society and I do think 20 years from now things may be different but for now they are not. The answer is in your situation you need to be willing to lower your expectations remember how many women are competing for that 5% and yes you need to change your behavior and your strategy. And for those saying are there not an equal amount of men in their 30s and 40s that are single that are professionals? Well the answer is no. At least in the 30 age range women are fast out numbering men in college graduation and many more professional woman are single than professional men. Plus women usually look for their professional equal or greater men do not. A female lawyer wants a lawyer or greater while a male lawyer may be okay with someone with an associates degree or less. So men that are your professional equal are not necessairly looking for you and they are likely looking for younger and more attractive women why because they can. The more educated a man becomes the larger his dating pool is but the more educated a woman becomes the smaller her dating pool becomes sucks right? Look I don’t like this anymore than you do ladies and this is contrary to everything we have been taught but Evan is correct don’t kill the messenger. If you cannot bear to accept what you perceive as less or change then be okay with being alone. Many women have decided that they are and that’s okay. And ladies you can blast me and that’s okay I want you to be right I wish you were right and there will be some men saying oh I love a smart woman and all that and some of you are the unicorns but some of you are also saying what you think you should and when presented with that woman whose salary is 3 times yours you date her for a month or two and realize you can’t deal been there done that too many times! Good luck ladies.
Chris says
I agree about these men becoming arrogant. I met a 21 year old college student whose attention span couldn’t possibly carry on a conversation, he was self righteous, rude, and he never called to hang out; of course he was interesting when I caught him sitting alone at church, but when I met up with him and his friends, he had no interest in becoming friends with me. At the same time, these college age women were very understanding and polite. (well, some of them) and this was at church, so I imagine it’s even worse on campus. Real men are getting beat down by the system, while these guys use up as many women as they want.
Seriously says
Gee Wiz, a lot of us great men are saying the same thing about the women too. Why can’t we meet a good woman today?
Joy says
The original response to Lauren contained a point that resonated with me.
“Well, there are a number of people out there who are socially awkward. There are a number of people who are somewhat weak and needy. There are a number of people who are so desperate for companionship that they’d do anything to avoid being alone. I call these people ‘married people’.”
I am not socially awkward, or weak or needy and I’m not desperate enough for companionship to do anything to avoid being alone.
That’s why I’m still single. I grew up thinking I should be my very best and not be dependent on a man for money or personal fulfillment. If I’m not happy on my own then I will never be happy married either. It made sense to me at the time. And in a way it still makes sense. But the part of me that would like to find my future husband knows it just doesn’t work that way.
Men really need a woman who is pleasant, calm, and makes her man feel great when he’s around her. And they prefer she be physically attractive because he would like to have sex often with her. It makes sense that he doesn’t feel a need to value any of the other things about a woman.
A man doesn’t gain any emotional comfort/security from being with a woman who is intelligent, successful, funny, accomplished, organized, athletic, educated, etc etc.
I’m sure a man would feel proud of his wife/girlfriend if she did have all these great attributes/accomplishments but from my experience if these things seem more important to the woman, than her man is to her, then it won’t work.
It’s a very complicated balancing act for both men and women to figure out how all these aspects of their lives fit into each other. And honestly it’s extremely exhausting.
When I choose a man who is as accomplished as me, usually he doesn’t have enough time for me. When I choose a man who is down to Earth, usually he is not as driven as I am. Etc Etc.
I am not superficial. I do value a man for who they are on the inside. But when I lower my standards it’s even worse. I’m not even going to bother with those horror stories. (By standards I mean date a really old man or really ugly or really poor.)
It doesn’t matter how hard I try or what I change.
The truth is life is hard. Modern life is complicated and confusing. As soon as you get comfortable and think you get the hang of something ……it changes with a new iPhone app.
Cathy says
I totally agree with Evan. I actually came to this conclusion myself about 15 years ago that if I want to meet and have a relationship/marriage with someone who is right for me that I would have to make a concerted effort because it was not hard to see that the two failed marriages that I had to endure were a result from doing nothing whatsoever to meet someone good for me in the first place and instead I gave the chance to whoever just turned up that was interested in me, and married that guy. Of course in each case he was attractive and seemed nice at the time, but I should have looked for more than that, and been more discerning. However, since realizing this, I have not lifted a finger in pursuit of any such relationship and in asking myself why I have come to the conclusion that it just isn’t important to me, and there are too many things about the whole idea that I dread. I never really desired to have children either, so I never did. Subsequently I am happily single at 52 and have no desire to enter into a relationship, or lift a finger in that direction , and I am a hard working diligent person so it isn’t because of laziness. I am always willing to put the time and effort into what I really want, and that is how I came to the cathartic realization that I don’t, and maybe never really wanted that or maybe I just completely lost interest after two failed marriages from which I have already experienced a total to 20 years of marriage during which I was treated in a disloyal way.
Daniel says
There is nothing wrong with what she just said.
Jessa says
I am mid 30s single mother and have lost interest even in the thought of having a relationship, too many of the supposedly happy married men I work with are looking for affairs with people half their age or whatever they can get basically, its left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I am also sick of being perceived as easy or desperate because I am a single mother, when I am neither. It seems to get so much harder to meet decent people as you get older.
Hubert Hargett says
One thing about society is clear its certainly more acceptable to slam men!!!!!
James says
Well now that so many women today that have their careers making a very high salary which most of them will never go with a man that makes much less money than they do since most women are very power money hungry these days and very greedy and selfish too which is very unfortunate for many of us good men out there that just don’t care about how much money you women make. Most high salary women today do want the best and will never settle for less since it is all about money for them which so many of the women do think that they’re all that which their really not at all since their greed and selfishness like i just mentioned made them get carried away. If i was that fortunate to meet a good woman that makes much less money than i do which i could really care less since it is no big deal for me but if we happen to be very compatible together which can make the relationship work since it does take two to make it happen. This is a very excellent reason why many of us good men unfortunately are still single today since most of the women are really to blame when we have no reason at all to blame ourselves for our singleness which many of us would have been all settled down by now with our own good wife and family today since there are certainly many of us men that are not single by choice. Unfortunately most women are very picky when it comes to having a relationship since many of you will just grow old alone with no love life at all which many of you should stop being so very picky which i am sure that many of you would rather be in a relationship instead of being all alone.
Diana says
Hie guy
lets leave everything in the hands of the almighty God he knows all the reasons why we have to stay single. We may stress out with marriage may be the right time of us is not yet coming. Think about Sarah she conceive a child when she was 60.. Like us today jehovah will give us husband on his due time.
I have my cousin she was married when she was 60 guess what she also had a bealoved husband and a handsome son. And my cousin she looks like she is on her fourtees.
please guys don’t give up persevere in Prayers heavenly god will answer the prayers on his right time.
you are still young in the eyes of Jehovah don’t overwhelmed your burden and forget about your bealoved heavenly father Psalms 55v22.
l’m 47 still single
Diana
hammer says
Hi, I’m a 36, tall, fit, attractive, european man living in the US (excuse me about my english, far from perfect yet I know but getting better), not wealthy unfortunately but I would not call myself a loser either. I have goals and I’m on the right track I guess. And one of those guys who you’ll find in those online dating sites only looking for sex (see you around haha).
But I’m not pretending to troll this site, I promise. I feel your pain. I wish you the best, I don’t think most women who are posting here complaining about their situation are bad persons who need punishment or anything at all. It’s just the way things are, I’m not blaming you. But I can’t marry anyone out of pity, I hope you can understand. That would be the worst of the reasons to do it.
In fact, I’m here because I would like to share a different perspective, just in case it might be of some help for someone. I believe positive thinking is a sympton of our sick society who doesn’t address problems anymore, just ignores them. I will just tell the truth, stop listening to those morons who only say what you want to hear so they can feel better about themselves. By telling the truth I will be more useful to you, I promise.
First of all, I don’t know any single man who is trying to find someone to spend the rest of their lives with. They are not trying. Maybe they feel alone a couple of days a year, or perhaps I can think about one of two weirdos I know, hopelessly romantic, and inexperienced with women as well who are that desperate to find someone because lets be honest, marrying is their only chance anyway. But that is not the norm.
So, why are there men who get married you will be thinking. Well, the truth is, men don’t try to find someone, they usually decide to marry after they find that someone, not before. Does it make any sense? Because it makes a huge difference for me, it is KEY to understand everything.
When you are looking for someone to marry, someone nice, someone with a set of random attributes that make him worthwhile of your time in your eyes, someone succesful, with a career, someone who wants to give you a family, someone who looks handsome in the family photos you are going to make together, someone who you couldn’t met yet, who you don’t know his name or haven’t seen his face, let me tell you it looks like you are looking for a purse, not for a partner. It is not romantic, it is opportunistic, and selfish. Think about it. What does your attitude make us look like? Like a tool, like something, not someone. And many men are aware of this. That’s what I’m thinking when I listen a woman without a boyfriend saying she wants to get married. Marrying who? How can you want to marry someone who you didn’t met yet? Just the truth.
We men want to know you first, then if everything is allright, we will fall in love, and if we fall in love that much, we will want to marry. That’s how it works for us. Most women in their 30s, not before, do it backwards. They want to marry, so they try to find a man who will love her that much, without giving him the opportunity to know her so they can love her just a little, or to demonstrate that she loves him too. That is not going to work.
Then, there is this big lie I hear women repeating all the time. We are not afraid of confident women. I repeat, men are not afraid of confident women. And do you know why I’m so sure of this? Because we men know that confident people don’t need to brag about what they are, they simply are. What we avoid like the plague, are the big mouthed, sarcastic, women with a huge ego, who are not confident people, they are just trying, and who never assume responsibility for anything they do, putting all the blame on men. We know those women will make our life miserable if we stay around, because that’s the only way those women are able to feel good about themselves, being toxic to others.
And last, you have to understand that we all have a past. We are what we have lived. And you can’t approach a relationship with a man in his 30s like with a 18 year old boy. At my 30s I’m not going to be stunned by your beauty like I was when I was 20, you need to put something more on the table and I’m not talking about your career, that’s for you. My hormones are not the same, neither are your beauty (no offense intended). When I was 20 I was naive and I gave everything to the woman i thought i loved, in my 30s I’ve been hurt already and I’m careful about people I meet. Don’t worry, I’m not going to bore you with the details of my broken heart in our next date. I know that is a deal breaker. But now I’m telling you just the truth, remember.
When we met in high school we were both our first, and we idealized each other. We thought we were a perfect match and we always were going to be together because we couldn’t look anywhere else and compare. Now in our 30s we both did in fact, and, you know what I mean, the partner at your side is not always the winner. Specially if we now are older people dating older people and then we were both youngsters dating youngsters. Get the idea?
So, you want to marry anyway because you want your wedding, your party, be the princess, and feel included in your family and group of friends. What can you do? If you are in your 20s you are lucky. You have all the options. Most men will react to some loyalty and humility even if it is fake. If you show yourself like someone they can trust, they will. Most of them are still naive, avoid douchebags and you will be fine. If you are in your 30s and beyond, well, my advise is to humble down a lot. I mean, a lot. Aim for the more awkward men, the more inexperienced, the shy, the mouth stuttering, god fearing, bald short guy, those without options will be in a seller market. The rest of us are buyers. Good luck.
Amy P says
I’m a 51 year old woman who has never been married. When I was younger I made typical, unintentional mistakes because I was too damned trusting that led me to get involved with the wrong men all for the sake of “finding the right one”. What I discovered is that most men want nothing more than to take you home, screw you, and when they are tired of you dump you for other women. I had a sign on my forehead that said “If you are a jerk, please come this way”. And they did. I’ve been told I’m very pretty, have a nice figure yet not super model quality, great sense of humor and am outgoing, confident, and intelligent. I’m also independent, and being older and wiser won’t put up with any crap from any man. I’m not quite as trusting as I used to be and I’m glad. It has saved me from more heartaches.
And, I’m doing what some of the women who commented above are doing. I’m going out, doing things and not sitting by the phone pining and waiting for the phone to ring or waiting for the Knight on the White Horse who doesn’t exist and never will. I’m involved in my church, go out with friends, and have a good male friend from my church whom I hang out with as well as some female friends. I’m not going to change for any man when most of them want only women who look like pornstars and super models. I don’t fit either one and am glad that I don’t. Until some of these guys lose their superficial immaturity regarding women and whom and what they should be, I want nothing to do with them. I’m not going to shop for a guy like going to a supermarket. It’s bad enough that many singles dances and online dating sites are treated like a big joke by some men who only want to get laid and use it as a major hunting ground. It’s like a candy store to them and nothing more (even to some of the women who are just as bad).
My self respect is more important than mob respect. The kind of man who accepts me for who I am as a person first is extremely hard to find anymore. I gave up looking. At least I’m wiser now and am extremely careful. I’m friendly, but at the same time I watch, listen, hear and learn when it comes to meeting men. If a man wants me he’s going to have to work hard to get me. No more will I give free milk because I believed his lies.
I don’t like the fact I’m spending my life alone, but I’m not going to let it stop me from having fun and enjoying my life. Whatever will be will be. I’m not a shrinking violet and won’t act like one.
Evan Marc Katz says
And yet you don’t sound happy. Perhaps you could use some guidance on a way to get what you want.
Amy P says
Actually it has nothing to do with happiness or unhappiness. I’m more unhappy at the fact that men have treated me as they have than actually being by myself. And I know male friends who had the same problem with dating women. As a Christian, if I had asked God for his guidance instead of “trying to make it happen”, I wouldn’t have possessed that air of desperation I had when I was younger and brought the “bad guys” into my life. When we try to “make” it happen it often doesn’t work because many people force it, and it drives people away. In my case, once men who want women to take care of THEM find out I’m a poor girl they aren’t interested anymore. A dead giveaway is when they ask me how much money I make and what I do for a living. THEN, when guys I’ve dated who have money find out I’m living paycheck to paycheck, they just assume I’m another gold digger. This day and age is totally different and more difficult regarding relationships. I don’t have any unrealistic expectations anymore.
InverseFloater says
Evan, I think the issue here is that many women will lower their standards of how they want to be treated by a *sexy* man rather than lower their standards as to what is *sexy* – the harsh truth is that virtually all women find the same 10-20% of men attractive so those men are going to inundated with offers of sex – and they think he’s going to commit to them?
Just like men are told to lower their expectations – women who want to be in good partnerships need to value abs, money, and symmetry less, while valuing intelligence, virtue, and courage more.
– for all the women who will say oh they do value intelligence, virtue, and courage more – what you are doing is filtering out the 80% of unattractive guys first and then saying you want those virtues – such a crock of sh1t! lol
gardengnome says
Why can’t this woman find a guy she likes? Well, you get you’re answer in the first seven words of the article. ‘I’m 42′.
A very harsh truth of the world is that women hold the cards in their early 20s and if they don’t play them, they lose them.
Chris says
I doubt anyone wants to hear this, but I’ve been a single guy for 36 years, I’ve never bothered going on a date, except when I was in my 20s and desperate for a wife (which turned women off). Now I’ve made my own happiness.
Thing is, women aren’t as attractive as they used to be. Men are getting the milk for free, just by making a phone call to these sluts. Most men are not only attracted to these good girls who also have self respect, but they also respect the ones who wait until marriage to have sex. These men are disappearing, of course, but the back of every guys head, they want to marry a virgin. A feminine virgin. If you act like a rude feminist, then you are going to attract rude people. I personally don’t mind an aggressive woman, but there’s a difference in “I can take care of myself” aggressive and going after the man you want aggressive. My two cents..
Jessy says
Married isn’t Key of life
Happiness is
That isn’t your wrong to be single and happy
That will wrong if you married with wrong person and he destroy your heart your life
Well I just wanna say
You have value enough to be single, you know what you want and just not found yet and if not found just let it go don’t waste time with suck person
By the way you have a lot of thing that can make your soul happiness just find what you would like to do or what interesting activities you won’t do yet
Do it! And be happy dear
Ps.Sorry for my poor english
TL says
Well,
I’m a 42 year old divorcee with two kids. I wrote a self-help inspiration book about forgiveness and moving forward after divorce. I have been single for 11 years. I have had an occassional friend or two I’m between but nothing serious. It was intentional on my part. But now im in the trenches of life dodging every circumstantial grenade that is launched my way alone. I do believe in being proactive…but there is a fine line between proactiveness and desperate in the dating world. I get it. Make yourself known, available and approachable….i do those things. But I’m doing too much of this we could deny ourselves the courting experience we want and deserve. Men are hunters….yet the hunt is overrated and not happening in 2016. You made a lot of good points. You did….but let’s face it, men sont want wives…they want trophies…even the 5’s. As a matter of fact men don’t want some they want the cyblrgish look alike of a sleezy reality star. Not all men…but a lot of men have traded unyielding requirements for a shallow standard. It’s true.
Jonathan Castle says
“Courting experience we want and deserve.”
Honestly, courting is for 18-year old virgins. Men will work and charm and persist through all challenges for the opportunity of a lifetime with a young, fertile girl.
At 42, I think courting is not realistic. You aren’t a young princess anymore.
Is it enough for you to have a healthy, fun relationship with a man? Because if you want the Disney-land experience, I think you’re setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment.
Men see this need for ‘courting’ as a big tell of childishness. You can’t have a serious relationship with a child.
LAUS DEO says
I know no one will believe me when I post this but it is true with not one wit of exaggeration. I am successful, well educated, emotionally and financially stable, very athletic ( I still compete in sports) I own multiple properties, I have traveled extensively and I am well read. Here’s the part you won’t believe, Pierce Brosnan or Mark Valley doesn’t have anything on my looks (I am not bragging God made made me who I am). I have people stop me and ask me if I am a famous person or are you in the movies? I am just like the people above have described. I have not found a wife or even a serious relationship with a woman. I don’t understand it! The only way to describe it is well! I can’t describe it! It’s beyond description!
Joy says
As a well educated, good looking woman I tend to shy away from overly good looking men. Men objectify women enough – when they are rich AND good looking they are, in my experience the biggest douche bags on earth. They have swanned through life using women and they have the ego and arrogance to match. My last relationship was with a multi-millionaire – he was controlling and arrogant. Since as long back as I can remember the best looking guys treated girls the worst and then some. It seems they don’t need to try to be nice or kind and so they don’t be. Maybe a lot of other women have had the same experiences with good looking men as I have? The other possibility is of course, that you’re too busy to put yourself into positions to meet suitable women. I met my millionaire on a cruise – he was with his kids, I was with mine. The good thing about that was no WI-FI so we had no idea what the other earned – he could be assured I wasn’t after him for his money, lol… Unfortunately, his personality after a while showed itself, so his money couldn’t save him then. I thought he was unbelievably good looking but I don’t have a taste for pretty boys. Maybe women are intimidated by your looks?? Most good looking men are players because they can be – the last thing a serious woman wants is a player. In this case your movie star good looks are probably working against you. I’m not suggesting you are a player it’s just most women might think you are because of your looks.
Elizabeth says
Nothing new in my story. I’m 56, very well-educated, confident, successful, talented, pretty. People take me for 10 years younger. I’m divorced with 2 nearly grown daughters. I’ve been on two dating sites for more than three months, and I’ve never had a conversation let alone gone on a date. Evan, I purchased your Finding Love Online and found it very helpful. I worked through it, and took your advice. I religiously send out the questions (I’m on eHarmony) and send emails, but no takers. Lots of men smile or tell me what a nice profile I have. But no takers. Men I don’t want, who clearly are not compatible, are very bold, but not the others. I’m not talking about the Brad Pitts; I’m talking about ordinary men who have something interesting between the ears. I live in central New York state, not exactly no man’s land, but very few of my matches are less than two hours away. are several hours away. I’m willing to do the distance, because I’m not closed to relocation, but they’re not. I’ve fooled with the settings. I’m willing to date outside of race and religion. I have a great profile (I’m a writer, and I know I do), and good photos. No takers. I last dated a man my age who I met face through a friend, but he is now engaged to someone 27 years younger. We were serious about each other, but I think when it came time to move to the next level, my confidence and accompishment were off-putting. He didn’t know what to do with me. It was easier to start with someone who hadn’t yet lived a full life. I’m an optimistic, forward-thinking person. I have a close circle of friends, a job I love, great kids, and a rich life. Part of me believes that there must be someone there for me. I’m not an oddball, after all. I will persevere, but it is getting discouraging.
Johnny says
Honestly, being 56 is the biggest reason. Sucks to say it but as a man who’s 5’5″, I know all about a condition you can’t help that is crippling. Very few men are looking for a woman of that age and even men in your age group will be looking at someone who’s younger and can usually get away with it. A lot of women in their 20s and 30s foolishly think that they can just play the field and focus on their career and that men will simply be available when they want them later on. Sorry ladies, but that’s not how it works. By the time they’re “ready” and done with their partying and climbing up the business ladder, they’re older and fallen behind in competition with younger women. Men usually don’t lose much social appeal as they age, as plenty of celebrity men in their 50s are considered sex symbols while the opposite is very rare. it’s just a sad reality that as women get older, they lose appeal.
Saying all of that, I do truly hope you find someone. You sound like a lovely woman and hopefully someone gives you a chance. As I said before, I have no illusions that being 5’5″ is a major crippling blow to my dating prospects and very few women are interested in guys under 6′ tall, especially online.
Roberto says
So, she thinks she may be dating idiots or men that are not marriage material? Sounds like someone has issues with who they choose to go out with and/or has lousy taste and a lousy attitude.
Jonathan Castle says
48 year old divorced white man here.
Male/female relationships are just totally foobar’d in 2017.
o Marriage is predatory for men.
o Dating is predatory for women.
I get dates on Match, but just haven’t wanted to follow through after the first. After finding women somewhat in shape, the biggest stumbling blocks for me is:
Aggressive Liberal/feminists attitudes
Really. I just don’t see how a healthy relationship can develop when someone has such a large chip on their shoulder about men.
Everything is confrontational / competitive from the very start. Ladies, I can tell you a high value man in his forties has Zero appetite for this. He’s already paid his relationship dues in his life and will just walk at the first hint of more.
I’m beginning to think the best this generation can hope for is ‘living together apart’. Being together but not living together.
Johnny says
Here’s a simple test to give women who “don’t know why” they’re single.
Have you ever turned down a guy for being “too nice”?
Have you ever given your number to a guy you weren’t really interested in but was just trying to “be nice” then ignore him?
Have you labeled guys who responded to your texts promptly as “clingy”?
Have you ever had a great time on a date, laughed plenty, had much in common, but turned him down because he “was just like a friend”?
If you answered yes to those, then congratulations, you’re the problem. Sort yourself out first and then get back to it. Way too many women complain about men being “no good” yet can’t look at themselves in the mirror and see how they’re acting.
Phil says
Lol. This is all very interesting to read, I will not pick sides simply because we are all entitled to our opinion so hence I read, learn and move on. But my contribution must be heard 🙂 It is truly amazing how we all have something someone else needs but they can’t find, and we need what someone else has but we can’t find. Life is funny.
I’m 33, single man, and a beautiful soul like some people have described themselves here and I wonder, if these lovely ladies e.g Lauren and the others who are similar met me would they be happy in spite of my achievements and appearance? Is it truly that simple (matching goals and actions)? I don’t know, sincerely asking.
Sometimes people don’t know what they need but think they do, we think we can/will compromise then we want a little more – is that wrong? I don’t know. If I had all the answers, I won’t be here. 🙂 I just feel that matters of the heart aren’t that simple. I have met lovely women but they wanted someone else. Some lovely ladies have met me but my heart was somewhere else.
I found this article because I googled “why seemingly good people cant find someone to marry”, because I asked myself why having done most of what Evan wrote am I still single? Not unhappy, just curious 🙂
Anyway, It is interesting (again) to read all these comments/views, I think I’ve learnt a few things that will help me going forward. So, thank you all.
Finally, dear single ladies, I am a single young man, I have my life together and very available. 🙂
Thanks for this post Evan.
Lee says
Comparing dating to a job hunt really spoke to me. This is good! It’s true I should stop lying around and put myself out there the way I do with trying to find a job.
Maria R DeFalco says
I don’t know any more of what to do with myself.
No im not going to commit suicide cause i can’t find one..
Its been 20 years hmmm.
Im 61
Sue says
Hi – I wanted to tell you of miracles. I had never dated much when I was young, and when I finally gave up (at 30 – no relationship yet), and decided I was going to just enjoy being alone and make the best of my life, because I was never going to settle, because the man I wanted to meet had these characteristics (and I listed them and put them away somewhere) and BOOM, I met him. It was not an easy “meet” – it was orchestrated in so many ways (too long to describe, but you have to believe that there were machinations in the universe that got us together (I’m not religious, but I DO believe in manifesting your future or positive thinking or whatever you want to call it). Fast forward 30 years. My husband died of cancer, and here I am, at 54, alone again, and trying to learn how to date again (was never very good at it in the beginning), A few false starts, some on-line dating (BIG waste of time – men DO NOT want to date on on-line dating – they think they do, but really, they don’t – for many kinds of reasons – married, insecure, content with their lives and not ready to make the changes that a relationship requires) and I gave up and found myself back in, “Well, I had better make sure my life is good because I’m obviously going to live it alone) and BAM, met chapter 2. Helped that I had been able to figure out exactly what my future potential partner woudl be like by taking all the good parts from my husband, and the good parts from my one relationship after my husband that didn’t work out, and I got what I wanted. Both times, the man only came when I had realized that I HAD TO MAKE THE BEST OF MY LIFE AND BE THE BEST I COULD BE AND BE HAPPY WITH WHAT I HAD. What I am trying to say is, you have to come to the decision that your life is what you have right now. Is it the best life you can make? Are you doing your best? Are you content with where you are in your life, content knowing that you are being the best you can? If you think a man is going to “complete” you and make your life good, then you’re not ready. But if you are content with your life, but have your list of qualities that that amazing man has should he ever cross your path, but you’ve taken a deep breath and you are living your best life, then you ARE ready. Good luck.