If I’m a Great Woman, Why Haven’t I Met Anyone Else Great?
Wow. Where do I start? I’m 42, and have never been married, and I guess that I have been dating idiots, or men who are not even dating material for the last 10 years. People always ask me why I am still single, I get all the popular comments, like “Oh, that’s a shame, still single at your age”. It’s ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with me, I’m athletic, been told I am attractive, outgoing, and I enjoy sports, and all sorts of out door activities, and have a great circle of friends, so why after all this time have I not met anyone? My last serious relationship was back in college! I’ve dated on and off for a few months to a year, only to have things crash and burn for one reason or another. What am I doing wrong? I’ve tried the online dating, only to become seriously jaded by it all. I do have an open mind, and have even considered meeting and dating guys I normally would not. But nothing ever comes from it. Do I give up? I’m tired of friends telling me that when I least expect it, I will meet someone great, well, I have not been expecting it, and it never came. What now? 🙁
Lauren
Dear Lauren,
I’m reminded of a story that Rich Gosse, the founder of AmericanSingles, once shared with me. It was an amazing response to how he dealt with skeptical press inquiries about his new business model.
“What kind of loser (I’m paraphrasing here) would go to an online dating site to meet someone?” the press would ask.
To which Rich would reply: ‘Well, there are a number of people out there who are socially awkward. There are a number of people who are somewhat weak and needy. There are a number of people who are so desperate for companionship that they’d do anything to avoid being alone. I call these people ‘married people’.”
I thought that was a brilliant answer. After all, there’s no special skill for getting married. Buy a ring, take a vow, and you’re married. It’s why I’ve never once worried about my qualifications to give dating advice. I don’t suddenly get smarter if I propose to my girlfriend. And if she dumped me, I wouldn’t suddenly get dumber.
All of this is me saying that there’s nothing wrong with being single. …Despite the title of my second book, Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised To Get Mad, being single is a fine state of affairs. I’ve been that way for 35 years and frankly, I’m a little anxious about getting married.
That said, most single people (including myself) DO want to get married. Which is why questions like Why You’re Still Single and “Why He Isn’t That Into Me” are supremely relevant. And since the age-old answers like “I’m picky,” “I just haven’t met the right guy,” and “Men suck” aren’t leading us to a desired conclusion, everything I write is designed to create a greater level of self-awareness in how we are complicit in our own fates.
Shining the light on myself, I’ve definitely been too picky at times. I’ve been difficult and argumentative at other times. I’ve been in dire financial and career straits at other times. Not surprisingly, now that my career as a dating coach is in order and my head is on straight, I’m more open to giving and receiving love.
So what’s your blind spot? I couldn’t tell you, but I know there’s something there that you’re not seeing. Read this post from a few months back and you’ll hear yourself, Lauren. It’s from another amazing 42-year-old woman, who can’t fathom why she hasn’t put it all together. You seem to be more self-aware, in that you’re claiming to have an open mind about dating. So that’s a start.
But I think the greatest thing keeping single people single is that they don’t truly make an effort to change things. They say they do, but they don’t really DO anything about pursuing love.
Think about dating as a job hunt. This is the core metaphor driving my first book, and a guiding principle of my friend Rachel Greenwald’s book as well. When we’re unemployed, we do everything in our power to find work. Yet when we’re single, we sort of hope things will work out. You said it yourself. “It’ll happen when I least expect it.” No! It’ll happen when you create it. So what are you doing to create it?
Are you telling your friends to set you up with single eligible guys?
Are you going to singles events — parties, trips, cruises — or at least doing activities that have single men in attendance?
Are you taking online dating as seriously as you could be?
Have you gotten a new photo?
Have you a one-of-a-kind essay?
Have you signed up for a six-month subscription on a big dating site?
Have you been searching for and initiating contact with men?
Have you been giving men second chances on dates?
Have you considered hiring a matchmaker or a dating coach?
If you’re not doing all of these things, you’re not doing enough. Yes, it’s great when the universe provides a cute, attractive, successful, intuitive, funny, kind, emotionally available man at your doorstep. But since this hasn’t happened in 42 years, what makes you think it’s gonna start now?
Listen, I don’t know you from Adam, which is why any advice I can give you is a bit scattershot. But I can tell you this:
Happiness studies have shown that happy people are the ones whose goals and actions are aligned. So if a guy is a people person, but works as a security guard by himself for eight hours a night, it should come as no surprise that he’s not all that happy.
So ask yourself: are your goals and your actions aligned?
Your goal: You want to be married.
Your actions thus far: ???
If love is truly more important than anything else in the world, maybe you should start living your life like it. Take action and change can happen. Otherwise, it’s just a lot of magical thinking.
If you want to know how to take action, you can reach me here.
You know, Evan, usually I agree with your posts so much. But you’ve lost me on this one. I read it with great interest, because I’m a 38-year-old woman in the same boat. I’m perfectly nice, average-looking, intelligent and intellectual, funny, creative, etc.
Yes, I’ve done internet dating. I’m not doing it any more. I am SO SICK of these men who are fives (or lower) who all think they’re going to wind up with super models. There probably isn’t one guy that I wouldn’t have given a second chance, but out of many, many men only two of them ever gave me a second date. You may read this and think I’m a terrible date, but I’m self aware enough to know I’m not a disaster. I’m very good at talking to people, and those dates went reasonably well. But blonde-haired, blue-eyed, and buxom though I am, a super model I’m not. Personally, I don’t feel the need to subject myself to that kind of rejection any more. These men online are either not serious or they’re deeply deluded about who they’ll wind up with. Either way, it’s not good for me.
Incidentally, I read that book about finding a husband after 35. I found it offensive. No, it is not like finding a job. You know what I’m doing to meet a man? I’m having a rich and active life. I’m out almost every night of the week, at lectures, readings, arts events, classes, club meetings, and various social functions. And not typically with a gaggle of female friends. In fact, often I’m alone and very approachable. I pursue things that interest me, and I’m friendly and open to meeting people who share those interests. I have a large circle of friends and acquaintances. I accept frequent invitations and meet their friends and friends of friends. I do all kinds of volunteer work. I run a very social book group that meets in a bar. I’m always open to new experiences (rodeo, anyone?). I have a LIFE. I’m not sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring. And I *literally* can’t remember the last time a man I met in any way or setting asked me out. It’s been years. I don’t date at all.
Oh, and for the record, I did try asking men out when I was younger. I found them to be polite and non-committal, as in, “That’d be great. We should definitely do that some time.” Now I’m old and grumpy. Why do I have to approach the man? I would kind of hope the man could show enough interest to actually approach me in some way, shape, or form. By the time he’s in his 40’s, he should have his act together a little. If asking out a woman is hard, it’s about a million times harder for a woman to ask a man out because we’re defying gender roles. And I’m not saying I wouldn’t do it again, but honestly, I haven’t been tempted in a long time.
I would not describe myself as picky at all. I’m not looking for a movie star. I don’t care if he has money, career, or car. I’m just looking for a guy who’s nice to me, makes me laugh, and uses his brain. It’s been a long time since I met a man I was really interested in.
I’ve been reading your blog with great interest, Evan. I may pick up the phone one day and pursue your services. But don’t tell me to pursue this like a job hunt. I can hear how defensive I sound, but I’ve earned my baggage. My parents celebrated their 40th anniversary this week. I never thought I’d be spending my entire adult life alone. And goddamn celebate! This is not the life I ordered. And as nice as you are, Evan, I don’t think you’ll ever truly understand what it’s like to be a single woman of a certain age, because it’s a different experience for men. It’s a different world.
Sorry, you touched a nerve. Rant over.
Sorry, Evan, my good man. You made the mistake of telling post-wall women that they in fact need to do something differently, and you brought out the defensiveness in them. God forbid you tell them something has to change. That means they’re not perfect! Truth is, they’re far from perfect. Susan, your life doesn’t sound interesting; though you are certainly trying hard to make it sound like it is. Always remember one thing: there is a Reason certain women have great guys and are building a wonderful family, and you are not.
gordo @ 1.1
Typical response, WOMEN have to change while simultaneously accepting men EXACTLY as they are. What about women like me who have done all we are supposed to do and still aren’t perfect enough for men ?
Not every married woman is married to a “great guy”, or raising a great family. Just look at the divorce rate !
I am not perfect, nor do I expect to meet a man who is, but I am getting really tried of hearing that women are the ONLY ones who have to change, while men don’t, won’t and/or can’t change.
I am not super model beautiful, nor am I looking for someone who is, but I take care of my appearance and health and I’m not ugly.
If I have to twist myself into a pretzel trying to be someone I’m not, is it really worth it ?
And I’ve done everything on EMK’s list EXCEPT initiate contact with men online. I have “initiated” a few times by liking a picture or making someone a favorite, and those have always turned out to be the WORST dates when they materialized. Guy acting so aloof and indifferent. WHY ? Because men like to hunt, they don’t like to be hunted. So in no way will I ever write the first e-mail and invite rejection like that. If a guy is interested in me, he’ll approach me. Even if it’s just to “like” my picture or make me a favorite.
I can’t imagine adding that ONE thing to my “to do” list to find a guy will make a difference. I don’t want to spend another evening with a man who is so CLEARLY indifferent and aloof towards me.
The only guys that like me are the ones I don’t like. The ones I like, don’t like me. Or neither one of us likes the other.
I have done what Susan has done. I am involved with volunteer work, and go to interesting places, sometimes with friends, sometime alone. I don’t do this to meet men. I do this as an alternative to men. So yes, I will go with a large group of women sometimes, just to enjoy a night of ping pong & happy hour or music or whatever.
I have done as much work on myself as I can, without completely altering who I am. Any more man pleasing changes I make, and I won’t even be myself. If I could trick a man into loving “fake me”. would be pointless. How long could I keep up the fake act ? What would be the point, he really wouldn;t love me anyway, just a fake version of me.
All I can do at this point in my life is create a life doing things that I enjoy. I’ve had 2 marriages, neither worked out. Everyone eventually has their last relationship, I have sadly concluded that I have had my last one.
Not by choice. It’s not sour grapes. I KNOW how sweet those grapes are, I’ve been intoxicated on the wine of those sweet grapes.
The grapes aren’t sour, they are just out my reach.
You are old and wanna get married? Just come to Africa and especially Kenya and you will find a husband who will ‘worship’ the ground you walk. I have seen white old and divorced ladies who come to Kenya and have very fulfilling relationship with African men.
Works both ways, I am a 55 year old male,never married.Aside from my status causing people to assume that i am gay,I could not be happier. Have yet to meet an woman who is interested in anything more than the size of my bank account. Younger women especially are very mercenary. Once they find out you are not wealthy,suddenly you are very unattractive. Plus I have yet to encounter any female who,once the relationship starts to get serious,all those things she found cute,endearing,funny,and quirky about you,are suddenly unacceptable,and she strives to make you over into what SHE thinks you should be. So,go ahead guys,make an ass of yourself. You will only pay for it with heartache
Theres nothing wrong with what she just said. Typical man picking fault with a woman, especially one who had an opinion. Get a life!
I am a 39 y/o DWM. I think the problem is the same for men. We see overweight women that aren’t terribly pretty thinking because they can get a hot guy during a drunken one night stand that they can get one in a relationship. I am hear to tell you, and it is shocking, men will sleep with women way below their caliber and would never have a relationship. If 5s are lining up, it is likely its because she is a 5 herself. There is lots of research to draw on that show this.
I am fit, active, wealthy, play in a rock band. I have no desire to marry again, I have too much to lose financially and with the corruption in the courts of equity, marriage is a terrible proposition. Plus, with the sexual revolution, finding girls that are perfectly happy with being FWBs is not an issue. Oh, and I have yet to have a FWB over 30.
This new age is great. Heck, there used to be a time you had to be married to get a promotion because it showed stability, now husbands are looked at as buffoons, cavemen who only sit and watch television, who wants to enter into something with such low status as that!?
When I see certain comments coming from our dear brothers, I realize that I am in a sense, grateful for the hot 10’s who can get these “high caliber males”. That means the high caliber types are preoccupied and stay within their own little perfect groups. I am always grateful not to have to deal with such things. 🙂
Having an opinion definitely works against women in relationships. Very few men aren’t thrown off by a woman with a mind of her own.
Having a brain can be a huge problem for women, too, unless their brains are used to trick walking wallets into relationships, which seems easier than one would hope. I mean, if I hear another man talk about how his girlfriend had an “accidental” pregnancy…
Fabulous Charlie, totally agree 🙂
“Building a wonderful family”? Are you referring to all those wonderful-family men who bother women like me to try for crying out loud to have a little fun already? Or the men with the wonderful families who hide gay porn – and their own sexuality – in their closets? Or maybe the ones who pay prostitutes/dominatrixes to put a little spice in their lives because it’s cheaper than divorcing their cold, estranged wives? Or perhaps you’re referring to the ones whose wives leave them as soon as the cash cow dries up?
Because all of this is way more common than you can imagine, obviously.
And I imagine you have an amazing wife with that kind of attitude!
You are the reason why women are still single. Instead of looking at this woman ‘s plight and empathising with her and telling her that there are great guys out there that will love to go out with her, instead you insult her. You are typical of all the losers out there. You attack and belittle and think that your sarcasm actually denotes intelligence, it does not.
Gordo….that is just mean spirited i’m afraid. Sounds to me like you are the one is defensive and bitter. Susan disagreeing with the response and giving her own experience does not make her what you are making her out to be. To imply that Susan is single and others have great guys and families is the result of her being deficient in some way is a wrong conclusion and just said bu you to be cruel and hurtful. Hope this doesn’t represent you view of women in general or God help them!
that just wasn’t very nice. I don’t know why this lady is hasn’t met her man yet, but random criticism isn’t helpful. Don’t forget there are plenty of unhappy married people as well.
Cuz she’s not gonna be a douchebags doormat that’s y. Men only stay for hot women or women they can use a manipulate. SHES SMART, guys hate that. She knows herself and his motives too well be manipulated.
Gordo, maybe she’s telling the truth! I’m a man in the same boat and I’m told I’m handsome with nice eyes all the time. What kind of name is Gordo anyway?
Actually, I hope he knows that “gordo” means “fat” in Spanish….lol
Gordo, you made me laugh. Because your reply was so nasty and personally judgemental. Whilst Susan was having her say on her own personal experience to do with the article you seem to retaliate which isnt even your fight to be putting Susan down for her honesty and truth. What I laugh at is this shows your weakness whilst Susan shows great strength and courage to be real. Meanness is weak and its easy to be mean but harder to stand up for yourself. I am glad I am strong too.
You sound very uncompassionate Gordo.
Almost like a woman hater.
I know many men and women who struggle finding true love. That’s what they want. A real connection.
Any woman who stats a sentence with “all men are…” will never find any good man because she has already ruled out the possibility of a good man.
Why even try?
Problem with online dating is, most women want the best 10% of men out there while most men want to go out with the hottest 10% of women out there. With so much choice, that 10% is in a power position where they can do almost anything while the “seekers” feel powerless.
So I fell upon this article and have read thus far… let me tell you, I believe that women just want to meet a “good man”, not being as concerned with the outside as the inside, but personally, also someone who has some taste and cares about his grooming.
If a guy possesses confidence and positive, likable traits, who is emotionally balanced, that is what I believe concerns women, not seeking a “hot” guy, where one problem lies in that men appear to continue seeking the youngest, “hottest” females.. this is why “never the twain shall meet” for many. The notion that men and women ever began being rated physically on a scale of 1-10 is pretty absurd, since many people are not 1-10 on the inside or capable of having a relationship, despite if good looking or not.
As long as the idea is to continue dwelling on and hawking physical perfection in females, nothing will ever change.
I personally don’t think I’m a ten but I’m slim and take care of my appearance. I’m not looking for a hot guy, what I am looking for is a decent guy, who’s kind, funny and who’s got integrity. Sadly even the jerks think they are hot and think they have the right to treat us like sex objects
i TOTALLY agree with you and can TOTALLY relate..i am in the same boat and you are SO right…it is so much difficult for a woman to ask a man out because WE have to reverse the gender role now…and most men ARE apt to reject a woman… being beautiful means nothing because i am thin beautiful and men dont give me second dates either–heck many will cancel the movie after dinner!! at one point i couldnt even get dinner and a movie lol! i too, am talkative friendly kind sweet beautiful active creative…monogamous loyal yet all men do is put me down or insult me out of insecurity and some male dominance thing to dominate a beautiful woman. men never ask me out either…just randomly STARE at me that’s it. most dates dont go well and most males out there have issues too. so what are we to do? yes just watch the world go by in their relationships…its not about looks, money, career, education…its about LUCK OPPORTUNITY thats it…
men tehse days are so twisted they will SEXUALLY REJECT beautiful women too! males these days are sick in the head many are….so this isnt a rare fact out there….its just how dating is today….
I hear you on how disappointing dating is. However, I wanted to share with you that there is a way to always get second dates. I am not thin/supermodel beautiful and I’m 42 yo. While I”m not in a relationship, I have an almost 100% hit rate first to second date. In fact, if I like the guy any, it usually lasts 2-3 months until one of us figures that it’s not the right relationship. I’ve been dating a year, and while I don’t know how to get a serious relationship through dating at this age (I was with my ex-H for 20 years prior to starting dating at 41) but getting a second date is not rocket science. You have to talk less than the guy, ask him questions, exude kindness, look him in the eyes, mirror his body language, show him interest, don’t act too over the top with anything (don’t talk loud, don’t laugh too much, don’t do anything that seems impulsive etc.). Just be nice, kind, warm, and don’t talk and talk and talk. Don’t drink, don’t be bitter or negative. It’s the same with men. When men do the above mistakes (talking too much, focusing on themselves, be negative etc.), I usually don’t give them a second date.
U are very small minded due to the fact that you are grouping men because I have only met a very select group o dickheads overtime. Saying that good and bad is all relative. The reason I say this is because u use the words luck which is biased choice or change and opportunity which is just an excuse to keep waiting. Opportunity is a chance, being ambitious is a choice. Don’t leave your love life to chance.
I do not know how old this post is but I feel the same way even though I am young (21 years old) and I still cannot seem to get a date and on top of that, I have never had a bf before. People tell me I am beautiful/cute/pretty . I try to put myself out there but it is like guys are now passive. Guys never ask me out although some guys may stare at me; they never seem to approach. It is like guys do not ask out girls these days unless you do online dating (which I do not do) or are already friends (and I also do not have any guy friends). It is frustrating because I do not want to ask out men/approach them because I feel like that is the guy’s job.
Thanks so much, that exactly my experience and how I feel.
i wish it were different but it hasn’t been the case.
best wishes to us both and everyone else out there, I don’t know why it’s been so hard!
Amen sister!!!
wow i am going through the same thing.although i am a man thete is a lot of us that go through this, i am 42 and i have been single for five years and damn that is a long timemaybe we should meet.
I can identify with you susan, though I’m a little younger (only 33) but I’m a guy, and I rarely find I get out, but even when I do, I’m not approaching a woman, it’s not that I lack the nerve, I work in retail and it’s really easy to talk to people for me. The reason I’m not approaching is because where most men will give a fairly polite ‘no’ in one way or another, I’ve only met 2 girls who managed to reject me with any form of decency, and after a while I just don’t feel the risk is worth the outcome. Even in the off chance it’s a yes, I find that women have as outlandish expectations as some men.
But for the author of this article, he admits the advice is ‘scattershot’ there is only so much advice you can give anyone, esp the opposite sex, and while you may have tried all these things to no success doesn’t mean the author should assume that everyone has tried these things.
i came here to get answers but all i got was a bunch of men and women pointing fingers at each other. i don’t want to fight i just want to meet someone who is generally nice to me and accepts my faults. i want to snuggle on a sunday afternoon and watch tv. or go to the beach and drink water and watch the sun fall with someone who’s hand i can hold.
^^What she said! Awesome response. Not a rant at all. Just speaking with passion.
You know Susan, I could say a lot of things. I do believe in what you are expressing. You come across as both genuine and frustrated.
However.. try this.. try being a 5’5″ male who has EVERYTHING but height. Try that, only to find that height seemingly negates every other positive quality, somehow. And trust me, I have “tested” my face online. I am financially secure. I have a PhD in a hard science, along with three other degrees. Like you, I head up many social events and can hold my own in any social setting.
How should I feel?
Scooter, I have no idea how old your post is, but just had to reply on the off chance you see it. I for one would be happy to date an accomplished, smart, kind man such as you. I have never once considered a man’s height to be important and in fact have been extremely attracted to several “short” men..same height as me or shorter. I’m 5’4″. However, I run into a similar equally frustrating problem – I am constantly overlooked, passed by, rejected, and even put down/insulted because I have small breasts! I have come to the conclusion that society places way too much importance on looks and portrays only one ideal of what we are supposed to find attractive. I have many other terrific qualities..educated, smart, funny, kind, loving, love to have fun, open-minded, great conversationalist..but remain single because it seems these qualities mean nothing to men (in general). Anyway, I just wanted you to know there are women who wouldn’t care one iota about your height and in fact may even find it attractive! So don’t give up! We are not all shallow twits.
Hi Amy! I don’t know how old YOUR response is, but I enjoyed reading it! However, I am very skeptical of one aspect of it; you state you are constantly rejected due to possessing small breasts? No.. I just can’t believe that. Height is strongly preferred by most women, such that it overrides other qualities, with the exception of earning power. However, I doubt breast-size does falls into that “category” when men look at women. Are there men who prefer large breasts? Sure! But it’s not a deal-breaker for the majority of men, in my opinion. Therefore, I question whether that is actually the reason you are passed-over so often? Unless you have the worst luck to improbably meet a constant string of big-breast-loving men.
I wish there were a way we could exchange pictures. 🙂
I do not know how old this post is, but I can say that if you have EVERYTHING but height then you may be wrong. Confidence may be what you are lacking. I can say this, because I am considered to be very attractive and I’ve dated in the top percentages of attractive and successful men. Typically I am attracted to tall men with masculine features. However, I’ve proven myself wrong with two specific men and I was shocked each time! What I realized is this- it is NOT necessarily a man’s height but how he carries himself, how self assured he is. I PROMISE you, if you can become genuinely secure and confident in who you are and act like your height is a non-issue- it will be a non-issue to most women.
Marcia, thank you for your response. However, I am going to be politely contrarian.
I’ve heard this line of reasoning from women, many a time. It sounds reasonable, and empowering, but in reality, it just does not translate well. I am confident and happy with my abilities (ranging from intellectual to professional to physical); this is mostly due to the joy of putting in “the work”, and garnering the return. Let me also correct my previous post: I THINK I have the other tangibles, but of course, most people over-rate themselves. However, I believe my self-assessment is more valid because I tend to be an objective and idealistic person by nature, and I can admit when I am wrong, or lacking.
Most people are going to date/marry those individuals who they have been conditioned to find desirable. (Yes yes, I know women have some “universally wanted” innate preferences, but a lot of it is definitely social conditioning, else interracial dating would still be so taboo that it would be far less prevalent) In my opinion, most women.. and by most, I anecdotally estimate around 80%.. still don’t want to date “short” guy (whatever that means to a given woman), under any circumstance, as in “no-how no-way”. Of the remaining 20% who, at least internally, don’t really care about height, a number won’t do it because of the social backlash, which leads me to my next point.
There is still a terrible stigma in dating a shorter man, and just in being one. I won’t go into a long tangent, but you surely understand that if mocking and denigrating a group of people is openly accepted, and indeed applauded at times (as a means of social maneuvering), then that group will be marginalized in the dating arena. I’m sure everyone here has seen it in their social lives, and in the media, in some fashion or another. (And good-grief, I have witnessed it in person, countless times, by both men and women, some of whom were/are my friends) There certainly are enough scientific studies to support my points.
I understand why the women in the aforementioned 20% are apprehensive. After all, why would they want to deal with their girlfriends and family questioning the choice to date a shorter guy? Why would they want to deal with the occasionally obvious perplexed/amused/mocking looks when out on a date? Why would they want to deal with guys constantly hitting on them, because said guys see them as an easy target? And so on..
On my end, I could lower my standards to the point where I get more dates. I’m sure Evan would advocate this and point out that I have to deal with the reality of my situation. I could do that; I could really lower my standards and widen my dating pool to include women who don’t have the baseline character, intellectual capacity or physical fitness I want. (I’ll add the obligatory: “I’m not looking for a supermodel Einstein”) But then, what’s the point? To get more dating experience? Yes, that seems like a goal, but would I be happy dating someone to whom I am not attracted? No. As a social outlet? Psshhht.. I have more social outlets than I can effectively participate in! Plus, it just wouldn’t be fair to the other person, unless I were to somehow convey the notion beforehand that, hey, “you’re not the one, and I just want to pass-the-time with you”.
And finally, I must say that I am just tired. I estimate having to ask out around 20 women, just to get one first-date. (So yeah.. maybe I am not “all that”?) It’s worse than a part-time job, and while I realize it’s a necessity, I have run out of the will to pursue it. Occasionally I have great women who express interest, even recently, but I am so exhausted and am just.. I don’t know.. indifferent, right now, that I don’t reciprocate. I’ve been on my own for the majority of my life, and perhaps I am too comfortable. I enjoy scientific pursuits, travel, athletics and other endeavors. My time for having a family is probably gone. So, I just don’t see the point.
Anyway, I apologize for the tangent(s). Thanks to all who read this.
Scooter, an intelligent man who is available? I am an intelligent woman with EVERYTHING but height. At 4’11” I have a difficult time meeting men. I am well educated, only two degrees, though.
I am 67, a widow for two years. I hike, kayak, walk, travel and volunteer . Many men my age are less active. Many men want someone over 5’2″.
Am I attractive? I don’t know. I know that in a social situation people seem drawn to me. I know all of married friends tell me that I am their husband’s favorite of their friends. My neighbors go out of their way to shovel my walks in the winter. I do try to get out there before them and get their sidewalks and driveways shoveled in winter.
I think being short tends to make people want to take care of me. That’s not even close to wanting to date me.
Chris,
I’m a bit puzzled by your post above. I’m 70 so I generally date in your age group, and if shorter women have trouble getting dates, I haven’t seen it here (mid-sized metro area in the southeast). I’m of about average height at 5”9″, and I’ve dated women from 4’9″ to 6′ (really makes little difference to me). Maybe a regional thing where you are? Here the women from under 5′ to 5’5″ appear to be in high demand (if relatively attractive). The women I see having the hardest time are the ones 5’10” and up; there’s only a small percentage of men as tall or taller than them, especially in heels (a 5’10” woman is roughly 6’1″ in heels), and of course men over 6′ are in demand among women of all heights, leaving a lot of the taller women with only guys shorter than they are to date. And many of those shorter men feel self-conscious dating a taller woman. One very beautiful lady I know (she’s 61) is 6′ tall, and she has a very hard time even getting a date because of that height factor, and a lot of men feeling awkward about dating a woman who’s 6’3″to 6’4″ in heels.
I suppose everyone who’s a little outside the average height ranges for their gender thinks they have it worse than everyone else. Honestly, I suspect that in this age group you’re going to have a harder time finding an active man who can keep up (just as I have a hard time finding an active woman in this age range), than finding a man who will want to date a woman your height, unless things are very different where you are than where I am. So don’t give up, Chris, just stay active, physically and socially, and be as outgoing as possible. Dating after 65 isn’t easy for a man or a woman of any height, but it can be done successfully; just takes more time and effort than when we were younger, and in the peak years of the desirable dating pool
I totally agree with you. Dating is so much harder for women these days. As much as you would want us to be more proactive, what happened to guys doing the chasing, asking us out in dates and spending a little money to show their interest in us? Its very discouraging when you feel you are doing everything right yet getting the wrong response. Am 33 and am tired already. Cant find a descent guy who wants to commit. Can only find unhappy married men who want to relieve the stress in their marriages. Its a total blow to my confidence. I keep wondering why am attracting these losers yet I give my all and my best.
I feel you Edi, and I’m 42 and handsome. I hate the dating game to be honest. Thank goodness foe prozac lol
Could just be you’re not as great as you think you are. Not once did you think that maybe, just maybe, that it was you who messed up. You’re the only common denominator to this mathematical equation. You spent a lot of time in your post about how other people should have themselves together by now but I wonder if it’s just not you that doesn’t have themselves together.
Wow I’m a guy and I’m in my 40,s going threw what you are and never thought it would be like this I’m a good guy just can’t seem to meet the right girl. It’s to bad we couldn’t meet.
Why don’t you just say “we should meet”, isn’t that what you are asking her? I mean, it’s not impossible after all… I think this is a major point women here are trying to make- JUST ASK A WOMAN OUT, for goodness sakes. We just want you to be bold and show courage to brave the possibility of rejection OR a potentially amazing relationship (um hello).
Braving the possibility of rejection and being respectful REGARDLESS of the outcome (because what woman hasn’t been cussed out for rejecting a complete stranger/asshole), is surprisingly ATTRACTIVE in itself, to a woman who previously thought you unattractive.
I think being self assured is everything for single men and women. Self assured, self aware, kind, open, genuine human beings who have something they are passionate about (whether it’s being the best garbage man you can be or finding a cure for deadly diseases).
Totally agree wholeheartedly! I am in the same boat. Rant on, sister!
Believe me Susan I understand EXACTLY where you are coming from. I’m almost 51 and have never been married. I didn’t order that type of life either. I came from a home with a very over protective mother. She basically ran my life, and I was smothered so badly that when I finally got out of the house I made one mistake after the other all in the hopes of “finding the right guy” and also getting out from underneath her thumb. Now it’s not so bad, but then it sure was. I have a lot of baggage too. Nobody understands how different it is for we women than it is for men. All I want is a nice guy, not somebody who is a perfect 10. But where are they? Sometimes I think they’re all dead.
I totally understand you because I am in a very similar situation after trying everything and changing many things. I am also a professional woman, educated, good life, social life, friends, not unatractive at all… I just gave up. I’m fed up. It sucks all the energy and it’s just not worth it. I got a dog and I’m happy as a clam.
hey Susan, great response. Heart felt, true to yourself and honest. You sound wonderful. 🙂 bless you.
Wow! Thank you for that! I really wish I had as active a social life as you because I work so much but you are awesome and someone I would love to hang with! I can really relate to everything you wrote and at 43 I share your pain more than you know. Men above 35 and even pushing 50 don’t want to date women my age online and it’s very sad because everyone tells me I look 30 but I don’t even come up in their searches. It could be a kid thing but not every man wants kids. I think they’re just ageists and it sucks because these 50 year olds LOOK THEIR AGE. Anyway, I needed that, hon. Thank you.
Look Susan, when you say that you are not a model (which I know a few, and they are too thin for most men tastes) do you mean that you are fat? Overweight? Because men only ask for two things: NO fatty (not all men of course), and nice to be around. That ´s it. I ´m 40 myself, and I almost have given up. I am not tall (and I can never be taller) and I am not rich (and I will never be). So, what ´s the issue with you? Are you not nice to be around? Men like interests, but they don ´t care about your “career”. Chances are, is not very interesting. Talk about Artificial Intelligence, physics or politics? Sure, that ´s cool! About “career”? Sorry ma ´am, that sounds like “work”.
So there.
I completely agree with you. No one understands how it feels to be a single woman at a certain age…NO ONE!!!
I feel the same way. Maybe we should go on a date and we can see if we can help each other?
Im also said to be attractive by friends and others. I am very generous, courteous, funny and respectful. I also have a house and great job but am still single. I never wanted to wait for the right one, I just wanted one that felt right.
i AGREE with Susan on all points especially the point about online dating. I’m a single and atrractive 30 year old. I’ve done EVERYTHING and believe me…EVERYTHING to find someone who I feel a connection with. The whole “give a guy you wouldnt ordinarily be interested in a chance” doesnt work. From my experience these guys wind up acting like all the others and begin to think that they’re doing you a favor! Seroiusly Evan are all guys in this city delusional. This city is made up of guys who are (on a scale from 1 – 10; 10 being a supermodel) a 5 but think they are a 10 and want girls that are 10s also. I’ve been told that I’m too picky so I decided to relax my standards and this is what I find! Susan I feel your pain.
I have lived in NYC for 30 years now and had several long-term relationships but have never been married. (And one thing I do admit is that I stayed too long with the wrong men.) The men in NYC are IMPOSSIBLE. I agree with everyone who said the men who are 5’s here want 10’s and it has pretty much wrecked my personal life even though I vowed I would never need a man to take care of me. And I’m pretty darn close to a 10 myself and have even decided to give men a chance who I wasn’t physically attracted to, but I just couldn’t make it work. So you can only imagine what guys here who are close to 10’s want if 5’s want 10’s! I plan on leaving here in the next couple of years for another area. I’ve had enough and even though I can be alone, I would really like to have a companion and maybe even get married one of these days before I die!
To address the two above from NYC, I will say that, being experienced myself, I feel that what is described is commonplace. I don’t think it matters HOW anyone meets another, since dating and these happenings have existed for eons. It’s only a different time, with possibly added influences, however, men are men and women are women – both having grown up with certain expectations. Unfortunately, the fact that there is too much focus on superficiality today has made things more difficult.
What I liked about the letter by Evan, is that remark by another regarding marriage… yes, this is who seems to be married.. the ones who cannot be alone, who may remain in negative situations, etc. We need to stop thinking that marriage is the final picture for all. But it would be nice to be able to spend real and satisfying time with another, who feels like an “equal”, and who is trustworthy, among other things.
what people are often not willing to admit is, this is a societal and generational problem, this issue of not being able to find decent mates goes beyond you upping the ante and becoming ” the best you can be” and being in the book club bowling league and attending every art gallery in town. our society in general is becoming very ANTI RELATIONSHIP.
People are busy, stressed and opting for what is “easier” which is FWB and short relationship stints , many people do not want to deal with their emotions, and especially rejection and commitment. There are too many things out there vying for our attention. the internet for one. internet dating distracts people from the big picture, quantity over quality, who is worthy of me? I can do better. Too many people are obsessed with doing better. Remember dating is as much about how society perceives you and your status as it is about finding a compatible mate. People want people who mirror who they THINK they are.
This is and will be a challenge for us and future generations as people become more and more disconnected from each other, narcissist (sp) and Godless. It is way too damn easy for many man ( notice i didnt say all ) to have a fling with all these websites ( Ashley Madison anyone) rather than seek out and try to maintain a relationship with one woman. Ladies, we have given away too much power also, there was a time when to get to know you.. a man had to work. Those days are over. People propose FWB relationships as easy as they do going on dates.
Yeah so its not just in your head, not to say we all don’t have things we can work on,b ut its our society at large. I don’t see it changing anytime soon either. The pool of people who want relationships is much smaller than it used to be. I felt Susan’s pain too, it resonated with me because its the reality of so many people who are told to perk up and smile and change who they are and the dates will come.
I loved your review, just exactly how I see society these days.
You are spot on.
The only thing (as a super human female) I haven’t been doing is praying for my future husband to be all the things I desire. I think it’s time I start. If nothing else is working, God might be the only answer.
Men can smell fear and bitterness from a mile away. No matter how active your social life, no matter how put together you may seem, no matter how well you’ve perfected a feigned nonchalance at your singledom, men will be able to tell if you’re freaked out about your age & dating status.
You just have to truly internalize your acceptance of being single. I know it’s one of the hardest things a woman of a certain age can do, but it’s absolutely necessary.
No man wants to go out with a woman when he senses he’s expected to be the making of her happiness. Conversely, no guy wants to go out with a woman who preemptively expects him to disappoint her.
At a later age, it’s even more incumbent on the woman to be able to live and enjoy purely in the moment.
I agree. Im a woman and 45 and i agree. If im just thinking of looking for a guy, then i will always be looking. I do stuff cuz i like to do it, not cuz im looking for a kindred spirit. Ive embraced my singleness and if i comes, then thats a bonus.
There’s is nothing wrong with being single…..I’m in my 50’s but I look very young because I’m not stress out by a bad relationship…
I’ve tried internet dating…I find most of the men are “Throw backs” or “mis-fit” in some way…..
I’ve learn to accept if I find someone that would be fine..If I don’t that’s fine too!
I hate when my family keep asking me “why aren’t you married”?
I would not want to be married to ANY of the people(men) that’s asking me this question
I can get married tomorrow IF I REALLY WANT TOO…but will it be someone I would want to deal with?
A lot of men are “Momma’s boys and their Mothers have not cut the apron string….
there’s a lot of mis fits out here and what decent women wants to be bother with this type of man
Shellacked has some good advice. I’ll add some chronology and embellish.
We’re all born pure and innocent but we all are also born with quirks to varying degrees. The truth may be hard to accept but STATISTICALLY those with the fewer quirks find compatibility early and many marry early. I remember this well when I moved from the north east to the south (where folks marry younger) when i was 21 years old. I was surprised to see that many of the prime catch’s were already taken. As time goes on the pool of available mates becomes more and more saturated with quirky folks as the less quirky pair off.
You could support this argument with this observation: How often do you see someone who was married for 15+ years (a member of the relatively low quirk population pool) divorce and then re-marry within a short amount of time? They find compatibility easily enough.
Maybe you are perfect and have no quirks! Maybe not. The advice I have is is to do some severe introspection to determine your quirks. But this is probably impossible if you’ve been living with yourself for 40+ years. You’ve convinced yourself you are pretty good, otherwise you would have changed yourself.
See Bill Murray in groundhog day try:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Bd1hqHrUPU
About chronology – you’re likely adding more quirks as you age. The list here could be long – simple things like you have to drink your coffee within an hour of waking. Or it could be much more of a show stopper.
Let me save you some time – if you’re 30+, want to be married and are not – YOU HAVE SOME SERIOUS QUIRKS!!
Back to statistics (I’m an engineer so I like numbers) – single women are much more politically Liberal than men. Single urban women – very much more so. Successful productive men tend to grow more conservative through time. This isn’t about voting or politics – it’s about your world view – which is often conveniently rolled into political bins.
So, for women who rarely get a second date – or who don’t even make it to the movie after dinner – what are you saying about yourself and your world view? Maybe it becomes clear you like effeminate or metro-sexual men? Are you offended if a guy opens a door for you? Are your favorite subjects saving polar bears, or becoming a better vegan, freeing Tebet? Are your bragging about your latest tattoo?
I suspect that many long-single women have morphed themselves into something a real man won’t find attractive.
QUIRKY @ 3.something or other
The problem with this attitude that anyone past a certain age and is still single must be seriously defective (or as you say, seriously quirky) is this:
Most people’s dating pool is people within 4-10 years of their age. So if said person is DEFECTIVE as evidenced by their age and marital status, so is their dating pool.
Telling a 30+ person that they are defective because they are single, is also telling them that everyone they want to date is defective also. We have been basically poisoned against our own dating pool.
I can feel that societal prejudice creeping into my many (not all ) of my dating interactions, feeling like a bug under a microscope, as this other person scrutinizes me looking for evidence of horrible defects, while thinking he is a 50+ never married who is just such a perfect prize himself.
We are ALL defective. I am, you are, your mom is, your dad is. The couples who got married the day after they graduated high school are defective. The people who never got married at any age are defective. Those who have been married many times are defective. Happy couples happen when two people can find someone that they can love in SPITE of their defects.
Who says that getting married under the age of 30 makes you better than anyone else ? Maybe those youngsters who got married at 19 were settling, or so insecure that they couldn’t find someone else, married their high school sweetheart, even if the relationship wasn’t so great. Maybe people who marry young have lower standards ?
Look at the divorce rate, about half of all marriages end in divorce. Why does being married and divorced make someone better ? They took a vow they couldn’t keep, and that makes them better than someone who never made the vow to begin with ?
During the 23 years I was married, I NEVER thought that being married made me better than any of my divorced or never married friends. I considered myself blessed, happy and fortunate, not superior.
I think society is in a very weird state right now as far as marriage goes. Marriage is declining in popularity, more and more people will publicly denounce marriage and claim they don’t want it (weather they mean it or not is very suspect, very likely a case of sour grapes) Yet at the same time, we put down people who aren’t married as being defective.
Being married doesn’t mean you are better than anyone else. It just means you either found your match, or settled. By settled, I don’t mean compromised on a few things, I mean as in married someone you didn’t really love or weren’t really attracted to. Many married people are miserably trapped in loveless marriages. I have seen some pretty nasty people who were married. Treating each other like crap. I see 2 people treating each other that way, and I wonder why the hell they got married or stay married ? Why they think that makes them superior to anyone else, I’ll never know.
In this incarnation of dating, I’ve learned to let go of the ones who aren’t into me quickly, not hop into bed not knowing where the relationship is heading, how to weed out the players. How to compartmentalize my emotions, and I think due to declining hormones and mother nature, the few disappointments when I’m rejected, that feeling passes rather quickly. Instead, it has been replaced with an overall feeling of disappointment of still being alone after all my searching. Not pining away in unrequited love for one particular man.
One thing I need to work on, is how much of a “chance” do I give to someone who seems to be into me, is attentive, treats me well. etc;. if I’m not particularly attracted. I don’t want blow such a person off immediately, nor do I want to lead them on, if that attraction is never going to materialize. Trying to find the fine line between not giving a guy a chance and leading him on is tough. Men aren’t expected to do this. They can make an instant judgement and that’s considered OK because men are “visual”. Actually, I am OK with that, I don’t want to be with a man who “settled” for me, or had to convince himself to be attracted to me.
I did enter into a relationship, where I did manage to muster up some feelings of attraction, based on how well he treated me, but it was a rather fragile attraction. I ended up hurting him. Believer it or not, I HATE hurting someone as much as I HATE being hurt.
I don’t really want instant fireworks attraction (too judgement clouding) but JEEZ, I don’t want to be cringing and wincing either. Or even just tolerating physical attention that doesn’t particularly nauseate me, but doesn’t turn me on either. But I suppose for someone who is 50+, I should just settle for any guy who wants me, regardless of how I feel, or else I am defective.
First of all – Evan, I just wanted to say that I’ve really enjoyed reading your site. A lot of what you have written is not only well written but makes a great deal of sense.
I do have to wholeheartedly agree with and confirm what was just written by Susan and “singleinnewyorkcity”. I have the past 10 – 15 years of experience to go by. My experience, and that of several of my close friends, agrees with everything they have written. We all share the experience of finding that through our 30s up to 40s we simply do not get asked out. We’re all slim, educated, good jobs, pleasant, etc. It makes no difference. We all have a big social network – but any men out there seem to be already attached.
In fact, when I do get approached, it has often been a married guy hoping for a fling on the side. I do get approached by men more frequently than my friends – (they think it is because I’m big busted) – but that is of absolutely ZERO help in terms of getting a serious relationship. The nicest men all seem to already have someone in their life. The ones who do find the courage to ask me out are all either wanting a night stand, no strings attached sex, or have an affair. I’m no further ahead.
As for asking men out – I again agree with the above comments. Perhaps you don’t feel like that – but the vast majority of men lose interest or respect you less once you ask them out. This gets you nowhere – suddenly the men think you are desperate, or you wouldn’t have to ask. They might go out with you, but then you are back to square one as they just think it will be free sex. Since they don’t respect you, they don’t feel you are “special” enough to commit to. I asked some of my male friends about this and they all confirmed that they feel that the best looking women don’t need to ask for dates. And since men are unfortunately generally initially only focused on looks – they don’t want to go with a woman they feel has no options. I wish things were different, but as you’ve written elsewhere on this site – that is just the way it is.
I’m seriously confused by all this. At this point – the rejection is really difficult to take. Life is too short to spend it feeling miserable. I’m really starting to think that it is just a numbers game – there are so many more women out there looking for a serious relationship than there are men. Sure – there are some men who want to get married, but it as if they are “snapped” up right away like some kind of competition. They feel they can afford to be choosy. That’s probably what makes men who are, as described in the previous comments, “twos to fives”, who think they can still get a woman who is a perfect “ten”.
I completely agree with what you have written Li-Anne. I ´m 34, slim, nice looking, I have a job and live in my own place. Unfortunately, I have experienced the same as you: On- line dating, in particular I only see old guys like grandfathers looking for young women, so I would like someone around my age, not that old and I don ´t think I am asking too much. I have asked out twice in my life, and they really loose respect for you and only consider you in a sexual way. Finally, i have been asked out lately but for married guys or guys who already have a girlfriend, clearly they are looking for sex as well. I don ´t want to settle with a guy that I don ´t really like or that I don ´t admire at all…
LOL. At 34? Game’s over. And BTW, you will settle. For a different species- a cat. You overplayed your hand. BTW, if you were nice looking and had a good personality, you would have a great guy. Sorry, delusion has an awful price.
I call bullsh*t on your comment, @omegle. However, I hope it makes you feel better about yourself to come on this site and write unpleasant, untrue things.
@omegle721,
That crack of yours in 4.1.1 was completely uncalled for, mean-sprited, and downright ugly. Nothing’s been said, especially by the poster you responded to, to warrant that. Let me introduce you to a new word- “empathy”. Go look it up, if you don’t know what it means, then see if you can manage to have just a little of it-yes, for women too; the dating /mating game isn’t so much a cakewalk for most of them either.
Omegle721, why are you on this site?
to ridicule and criticize women who are looking for real love?
Why would you say something so mean as tell her she must have a bad personality or not be good looking?
Try being kind and considerate once in a while. It will do you wonders.
@omegle721 I suspect deep trauma or hurt in your past. Perhaps from a beautiful, successful, active woman who rejected you once? And you find nothing more satisfying than making women everywhere feel the way that you did. Am I wrong?
I want to thank Susan, Single and Li-Anne for giving it to me straight. I’m a big boy. I can take it. Still, I want to respond to a few points in as brief a fashion as I’m capable of.
1) Asking men out – I didn’t mean going up to a guy in a bar and saying, “Hey, big boy, buy me a drink.” And I do agree that in “real life” men who are interested will show their interest. But online, when there are thousands and thousands of options, I am positive that a woman is well-served to take her love life into her own hands by saying hi to a guy. The best relationships I’ve ever had online were from women who wrote to me first. My point was simply this: if you’re not writing to men, you should be. And if you are writing to them and getting no replies, ask yourself if you’re doing all you can to maximize your chances. Do have a great photo, essay, and email technique? If not, there are resources for you at https://www.evanmarckatz.com that can give you an edge.
2) It’s very important for me if you get this next part: Contrary to what Susan said, I do understand women in their 40’s. I know, I’m a 35 year old single guy, blahblahblah. But you know who the majority of my clients are? Women 38-55. So believe me when I tell you that I know all the stories. I feel all the pain. And I couldn’t be more sympathetic.
Which makes this next fact seem even more unsympathetic.
Neither you nor I can do ANYTHING about “men”. Which is why I see little to no value in putting any blame on them for all of their faults. I agree that men can be shallow and clueless and selfish and all of the other accusations leveled at them. So what? What are you going to do IN SPITE of that?
THAT is what my article – and my entire blog, for that matter – is all about. Acting in spite of the frustration, in spite of the pain, in spite of the rejection. Men are pigs. Men are shallow. Men don’t value me. It’s not fair, it’s not right, it just IS. I’m not saying that you’re wrong. I’m saying that your only choice is to find the men who are NOT that way. And I can assure you that a negative attitude about men and dating is NOT the way to attract that rare special guy who does exist in the universe.
And, controversial though it might be, there ARE decent men who are looking for a serious relationship. You know how I know? Because they’re the REST of my clients. People don’t pay two grand for a dating coach if they just want to get laid.
To sum up, I’m not placing the blame on women for being single. That would be too simplistic. I’m saying that the only person you can change is YOU. Are you going to be a victim, or are you going to be an inspiration who refuses to give up? I know what I want to be.
Two other points before we wrap up here.
1) The reason it sometimes seems I’m “picking on” women is because women are the ones who write 95% of the emails to me. If men wrote me any questions, I can assure you, they’d be similarly introduced to the same harsh reality. Which is why…
2) I’m going to be writing a long blog post about shallow men, because they’re the primary cause of all of these problems.
Keep reading. Keep writing. Keep the faith.
Much love,
Evan
The problem is, these women aren’t saying that the answer is that men need to change (more venting frustrations that no one tells them to, while women are constantly improving themselves). The problem, Evan, is that you are repeating this mantra that the woman must have something wrong with her or must be doing something wrong – which is very helpful to those who DO date different types, races, ages, people with varying incomes, and still haven’t had the right luck. It beats up on a group that already feels alone. I think there’s a way to give advice without necessarily assuming people aren’t working their hardest to find love. It gives me fatigue to date, and I am a kind person with hobbies who seeks the same, if I can get a guy to talk about himself a little. You mention that men are paying you to find them matches, but they might have standards that are much less realistic than the women, which is why they haven’t met anyone. You can still give gentle advice without piling on the blame.
Sorry, I meant, NOT very helpful to women who are doing all those things.
Evan, love what u said so much! Thank you. 🙂
Nice post Evan. I found it through google because I am struggling too with this issue at 51. So is my close friend at 53.
THERE is a special group of men and women with… Good looking good personalities smart talented. That seems to be a big part. When your EQ is much higher than most of the men you meet, it is hard to find someone. To be gifted, you are looking for other gifted people and the percentages for both are smaller.
I believein fate. I have no idea why God has had me have a very difficult matching time in this life. My first love was so great, Wonderful. and nobody seems to come close to the connection and trust that I had with him at 16. Then he died soon afterwards. Car accident. I met and married later but it turned out he had abuse tendencies from his family of origin. Then,it is hard to trust now. I am open to meeting someone else, but had a lot of fear about that, that I am trying to get over. Trying to be strong. Fear of being disappointed again.
Sometines I feel like there is some strange lesson in this life. Why would my 3 siblings find happy marriages and I haven’t. I get jealous but I need to let that go.
Tried online dating. Didn’t like anyone. I know what real love feels like and there was nobody I even wanted to go on a date with.
Also I need to date sober people which makes it much harder. I did fall in love with someone, but his alcoholism made that impossible. .. more heartbreak…
why? Why? Why?
Why does it have to be so hard sometimes? There are many intelligent and sexy people who just can’t seem to come across that special person. And do NOT want to compromise. I think listening to your gut and heart and head is important.
I believe love does come along. I HOPE it will come along. Eventually.
Until then, just enjoying the day and the dear people in my life. I have accepted that I might never meet anyone, though I really do believe someone special will pop up soon but if they don’t, I am alright with that, I have to be. Accept life on life”s terms. I love being in a relationship with someone I love, but being single isn’t all that bad either. On a good day. And hopefully I will learn how to accept the lonely melancholy moments as well. 🙂
Best, Kate
Susan,
You have the right to be bitter, but don’t give up on online dating. You seem great. If I read your profile online (and we were age compatible), I’d ask you out. If I saw you at a museum, reading, or art event I might check you out, but I wouldn’t know what an interesting person you were and I wouldn’t know that you were child free.
As Evan said, he doesn’t know Lauren, he only knows what Lauren writes about herself. Consequently, he can’t tell her anything about her dating habits which she might not be aware of.
My advice-
One day when you’re feeling good about yourself, ask a friend why they think you’ve been unsuccessful so far in your search. Stress that you’re not looking for validation, or a magic bullet, and don’t try to argue with them and dispute their observations. Try asking men, try asking people who aren’t your closest friends, you might get a more honest answer.
Hey Jimmy,
Great advice. Getting a different perspective from someone who loves and respects you and will provide hones feedback can be extremely enlightening. Remember though…you are looking for a different perspective not someone that just tell you that you are wonderful and validates your current perspective.
Another approach I try to take when faced with similar issues is asking myself! I pour myself a nice glass of wine with a pen and paper in hand and an open mind and start try to come up with 1 to 3 reasons why I am still single. Not why I am amazing and how it is someone else’s fault.
I can almost always come up with something and I find it very liberating and a productive platform for taking action. If I don’t come up with something I am usually a little disappointed at my lack of creativity, awareness and intuitiveness. Then I laugh at myself and say…”hey maybe that’s it!”. 🙂
Ask others…ask yourself…and don’t accept the status quo as an answer. You are single for a reason. And so am I. The difference is I at least have a clue at how this could be possible and I certainly don’t blame it on women.
People can be shallow (both men and women). I agree. But that is not why you are single. That’s like blaming the sky for being blue.
If you don’t have a clue…perhaps therein lies the problem.
Good luck!
Michael
Men are physical, women are emotional, how they find a connection beats me. Men just focus on sex and women are coerced into submitting to that because there isn’t really much option. They say men find love through sex and women find sex through love. Well to me that is like the chicken and the egg quandary – which comes first? Most men aren’t looking to even date now – they don’t have to. They can get sex so easily. Yes there is a few but they have so much choice because so many women are after the decent men who will treat them with respect it must feel like they have won the lottery!
I feel for you ladies because I too am going through a similar situation. There are times when I feel so tired and sorry for myself. Good thing is that I’d just sleep on it and when tomorrow comes, I’m up and about and back on track. Harmless flirting online or not is fun! Actually I try not to make this (looking for a partner) a “problem”. I refuse to be pressured by it because it’ll take away all the fun that goes with it. I keep in mind that this is not the only thing that matters. I’m also slowly conditioning myself to accept the possibility of me not getting married.
I know that everything has a reason so if by any chance I will stay single it’s because someone up there needs me for something else. But right now while we are still desirable ladies (Susan, singleinNYC, Li-Anne) like what Evan says, we are going to be an inspiration who refuses to give up!!:)
I think we always worry about getting married and settling down too much. Of course everyone thinks about it, and at a certain point, we all want that “special someone” but I’ve found that when you AREN’T looking for something serious, it just tend to fall into your lap. I just recently read this great book called “Lessons About Life Mamma Never Taught Us” about all the trials and tribulations that three generations of women have gone through (and the oldest is not married, and still completely happy with life). Just don’t let you relationships define you… Define Yourself!!!
http://www.happyabout.info/lessons-about-life.php
For every woman that tells us about her “situation” that exists like this, there’s a man somewhere that feels the same way and is in the same situation. Like Evan said he just doesn’t write in to complai…..I mean
tell him/us about it. Evan’s always quick to point out all of men’s so called “faults” for the ladies on here. Both men AND women have faults.
It’s impossible to judge why someone can’t find a relationship unless you really know a lot about them. The way they look,thier personality,issues etc……..
I know Evan has written against this in the past, but when I got tired of the online dating guys I’d been meeting I changed my parameters, I decided to not limit myself to someone within a 50 mile radius of where I lived. Who’s to say that true love is within a certain distance? I knew I didn’t want to look outside the US but I figured to open myself to the entire country, not this little portion of it. What happened is a guy, online, saw my photo and wrote me the sweetest e-mail about how he’d love to get to know me better but we’re too far away – 1100 miles apart. I thought it might be a line at first, something he threw at everyone. But the more we corresponded, the more I realized he was for real. I can see the difficulties in a long distance relationship, but I think if it’s approached with the right state of mind, it can work. But both have to understand what it means and be okay with the limitations, allow things to move slowly because letting it run rampant only causes more frustrations, and maybe most importantly, be open to relocation if anything serious develops.
Evan, you wrote about a long distance romance that for you, turned into a long distance one night stand. Thing is, anything can turn into a one night stand, even that guy who lives a block away could do that to me. I think the danger in having that happen is not taking time to know who you’re dealing with before taking major steps to become serious. But maybe opening oneself to something that doesn’t fit the mold as far as distance goes, could make a difference as much as going outside the box in looks, income or education. It did for me.
Ok, here’s my story. I live in Los Angeles, I’m 37 and I have no problem getting dates. I’m single, smart, and cute, but I wouldn’t consider myself a 9 or 10. An 8, perhaps. At one point I was on four online dating sites (Nerve, Match, Yahoo, and OkCupid).
Here are my stats:
This is over an 18 month period:
33 men
54+ dates
16 men I only went on one date with
10 men I went on two dates with
2 men I went on three dates with
1 man four dates
3 men I dated for two months or more
I’ve dated all kinds: Asian, Latino, African-American, Caucasian, etc. Bald, shorter than me, one had kids, several had dogs. All had decent jobs (except for one struggling actor. I do live in LA, after all!)
Currently I am dating someone I met on OkCupid. We have been dating for 2 months. It’s promising.
Of those 33, I would say there were 8-10 with whom I had chemistry, but compatibility was an issue, and four of them were not looking for a relationship.
Of all of those dates, only 2 of those men were actual losers. The rest were good, decent men. Sometimes they liked me but I didn’t like them, sometimes I liked them but they didn’t like me…
So I have to agree with Evan. There are really good men out there. I know at least 31 of them! A few of them I now consider to be good friends.
Some of them contacted me, and others I contacted on my own. I used headlines such as these:
“Prone to sudden, ferocious crushes”
“Breaking hearts, taking prisoners”
“Now with 100% more moxie”
“Please, try to keep up”
“Putting the rarin’ back in librarian”
Here are some of the email subject lines I’ve used:
“Cat Got Your Tongue?”
“I’m suitably impressed. Commence wooing!”
“Go on–wink at me! I give great email.”
The thing is, you actually have to think about your profile and what you write in your emails.
The old saying is right: Garbage in=garbage out. You only get out of it what you put into it. If you make a half-hearted effort, take shortcuts, or get lazy, you’re only going to get similar results.
Amazing! I try hard on those same sites. Had a girlfriend for 4 yrs whom I met IRL. And have had, max 2 dates every year in about 8 years from online dating, each time only one date. Count your blessings, Erika. and better meeting IRL. IMHO.
I think this post (and probably your comment) are a million years old, but I love, love, love your one liners!! Thank you.
My personal favourite is: I’m suitably impressed. Commence wooing. Haha. Awesome!
Are you happily married to your beau from OKC now, Erika? 🙂
i hear you Evan on the “all you can do is change yourself” . I just feel that women are always pressured into compromising! why can’t we have high standards? why can’t we demand certain things from men? i think if more women DIDN’T comprimise we wouldn’t have the shallow delusional men that exist today. HAVE STANDARDS FOR YOURSELF LADIES AND STOP LOWERING THEM!
Collectively you all want Brad Pitt but theirs only one of him so keep wishing…and keep whining.
Amen. Women hold the “key” Instant gratification will only get you so far…
Hey Single,
It’s not about demanding that the world change to meet your needs; it’s about changing to accommodate the realities of the world. You’d prefer to live in fantasy-land where women actually change men. Sorry, darlin’…not on my blog.
Ben Franklin said it best: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.
So have your high standards. Demand things from men. Never compromise.
You don’t need me to tell you where that’ll leave you.
With love,
Evan
A lot of serious over-analysis here, when really it’s all very simple. What this discussion does show is that everyone has different approaches and views on the problem at hand. This is why understanding between two people in a relationship is so important. Life can’t dictate when and how you’re meant to meet the ‘right’ person, with whom you share a mutual understanding and view on life. When you do meet ‘the one’ everything naturally falls into place and it’s easy – no questions, you just know. You can’t necessarily find this person when shopping on dating websites! The trick is to live your life and remain open to possibilities and opportunities, and the right man will be drawn to you regardless of your age etc.
You are wise Josephine…..very true. We are in proximity to potential mates every day out in society but we’re not always thinking this way. Dating is a numbers game. As a 45 y/o single male I will say women are pretty darn elusive…getting dates sure isnt easy. But its a numbers game, just get out in society, meet as many people as you can, date as many as you can and it should happen. Its a shame this dating thing is so hard….
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is not the definition of insanity. It’s the definition of practice.
To Single,
If men are “delusional” then presumably it doesn’t matter what women do. Men will go on seeking out their unrealistic fantasies despite endless rejection and disappointment. How do you expect men’s behaviour would change if you managed to enforce this “women’s cartel” in dating?
Also, whenever men and women talk about how much harder their sex has it, I’m inclined to wonder- How do you know?. We spend our whole lives on one side of the dating fence, yet few of us seem to stop to wonder if this makes us a touch myopic when it comes to analysing differences between the sexes.
“Also, whenever men and women talk about how much harder their sex has it,”
Neither side has it harder. There’s an enormous amount of overlap in dating ease. How many options you have depends on your career, your looks, your intelligence, and your social skills. You hear less about lonely women, but since G’d/nature makes equal numbers of men and women, for every lonely woman there’s a lonely man.
Know how 10% of the population has about 90% of the wealth? I think male dating works similarly. My theory is that the top 20% of men account for about 80% of all dating/sex. This guys, they might as well be called studs, are the ones who take women out, have sex with them, and don’t call back. These are the guys who don’t want to commit. These are the ones who give all men a bad name. These guys are far, far from a majority of the male population, but they account for a majority of the dating and thus create a lot of disappointed/embittered women.
Sam’s theory is very much acceptable.
This is very much the “animalistic mate selection process” at work. humanity has not evolved much, in other words. Women are the toll keepers of evolution but constantly select out the worst of the menu because it is erotic.
Not always true. Many women don’t find those ‘studs’ attractive. And many of the guys don’t find the ‘hot chicks’ attractive either. It’s unique to personality.
Not all girls want a hot muscley guy and vice versa.
When Seth Rogen was chubby I had an argument with a male friend who couldn’t believe women would find him cute. Of course they would he is adorable and funny.
Okay, I am addicted to this site. Evan can I become the spokes woman for internet dating success? Can’t hurt to ask. You know, I read this post and it all I can think about it how I felt going to every one of my girlfriend’s weddings, single. It made me think of the fact that I suggested and encouraged every one of my friends to try Internet dating and they succeeded with in one or two dates where it took me five years to find one great guy. But let me not digress, as I have already posted my story on a prior entry. So, with all that said, Lauren, I feel for you. Gd do I know what it is like to hear over and over again…
“When you least expect it!” I fucking hated people for saying that, especially married people. I agree with Evan. Nothing in life happens when you least expect it execept for maybe cancer and car accidents. Even someone who suffers a massive heart attack must have some prior knowledge that they were in poor health or living an unhealthy life style. My point is that I have learned that nothing, especially dating comes easy or just comes into your life with out a little blood, sweat, and yes, tears.
It sucks but you have to put in the time. That time is dating and dating, and dating some more. Do you have the time for me to tell you how many men I met on Jdate and the awful, extremely awful experience I had when I went to a Jewish Match Maker in New York City? (Shoshann’as Matches). I laughed and I cried becaise I though it was a joke that dating was this hard. Then, I just stopped. I didn’t stop dating, but I stopped complaining and I opened my eyes to the fact that I needed to be very aware of who I was chosing to meet and became exrtremely choosy about the guys I agreed to go on dates with. That was one step. (I balled out my match maker after setting me up on 6 of the 10 dates I was promised. I realized it really does take someone speacial to find someone else’s b-shert, and that someone was me! Not some Jewish girl out to make a buck.) Step two was continuing to do all the work on myself in therapy that I had been doing for the past few years. You know you really will not find the right guy until you really know yourself. Talk about cliché, but it is so true. My therapist and I always talk about the fact that who I was when I first stepped into her office was not the woman I am today. I worked hard to grow and learn about myself and also recognize what I needed and wanted for myself, and not what others think I needed. (In relation to men that is.) Lastly, and this is the corniest of all, I actually started telling myself on a daily basis that I will find my true love and how ever long it takes, I am willing to wait because I know he is out there..” But let me just say, that with saying this, I was still doing Internet dating and getting set up on blind dates, but I finally let go of all the bullshit of beleiving he will find me, or we will bump into each other in the grocery store. Please, I was single in New York City and the amount of single Jewish men is astouding and I not ONCE met a single guy on happenstance. Basically I am saying a lot of it has to do with attitude and once you can free yourself from thinking “Why can’t I meet anyone?” and start thinking “I will meet someone,” you truly will be alone. All of those motivational speakers have a point; what you put out there is what you will get back.
Lastly, and I know I talk A LOT, let me just end by saying that you will continue to meet guys you are not interested and guys who want perfection, and guys who just suck. Again, give me two hours I will go down the lirst with you about how many men I met who told me I was pretty, but not skinny enough. Or my favorite, “You are so fun to talk to. I never had a real conversation with a girl before.” And lastly, the assholes who literally asked me if they could come home with me to have sex when they knew date #2 was not going to happen. Hey, I have to give them props for trying. But seriously, cut men some slack. There are truly wonderful men out there who do not represent all the other disasters you had to meet. I used to get angry after a date did not go well or the guy was a loser, but than I realized, somewhere out there is the guy who will just get me. And love me. And be mine. It took me 5 years….let me say it again. 5 years of dating and I found a great man! Granted, I am 31 so I am not making a comparison, but for all I know, had I not changed my attitude, I would be 41 And still single. Just remember love is not about being compatible on all levels, but many levels. And the guy you think you are going to wind up with, will not be that one at all. I can guarantee that I would have not dated my current boyfriend three years ago but I think Gd every day that I did meet him at 31 and have the sense and instincts to have known that this man was for me! Good luck. Jen
I liked your post Jen! Very encouraging! I’ve been dating 1.5 years and I think I became quite good at it, and more than that, I grew a lot as a person and I can say I found peace in general. I know I’ll find someone eventually, so I stopped worrying about it. Just keep dating. I’m much older than you (42), granted, but it is going to happen. After half a year of learning my way through, I started to meet only generally good men. They all had various issues that didn’t make them relationship material, or maybe they were not into me enough, or whatever else didn’t work out, but they are good men nevertheless. That gives me hope that one will eventually be a match.
One last thing. I am an LMSW practicing in NYC which is why I tend to have a lot to say about these things. I am not some crazy girl rambling on pretending be a therapist on here, I do have some credentials! 🙂
I have been reading this blog for several weeks and it has helped me realize that while I thought my friends and I were the only ones in this boat, there are literally thousands of age 40+ (35+?) women in this situation. Given how few single men I know, and I work at a company that’s over 80 percent male, what are really the chances that one of us will meet someone for a long-term relationship, let alone get married/re-married? You can keep a positive attitude until you’re blue in the face but that doesn’t make any age appropriate, single men show up at your friend’s party or will sit next to you at a baseball game. But as my friends say, maybe, I’m just not desperate enough. To Sam who said that 20 percent of the single men account for 80 percent of the dates, I would ask, where are the other 80 percent?
The other 80% (men and women) is usually around but invisible because everyone is attracted to the “happening” 20%.
What’s a b-shert?
lorelei,
B’shert” is a Yiddish term; as I recall, it means something like “soulmate”. Evan or anyone else here who’s more familiar with Jewish culture can chime in if I’ve got it wrong. 🙂