Should Men Buy Flowers or Gifts for Women on First Dates?
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Do you recommend guys bring flowers or small gifts on the 1st date to present to the woman he’s trying to woo?
It’s a personal decision of course, but a tough one at that. Some of the pick up artists tell students not to offer to buy a woman a drink in a bar, for a couple reasons (and I agree): First, some women just freeload, take the drink, and walk away (and do this all night to guys). Second, the pick up artists tell students the woman has to EARN the drink first (meaning she has to display that she is sincerely interested in the guy as well).
By the same token, I’m beginning to wonder if the woman has to earn the flowers/candy (whatever) first before just giving them to her on a first date or in an attempt to get a date with her altogether. Meaning, if the first date goes well, perhaps the better time to spend hard earned cash on flowers or candy is on the 2nd date.
After all, many a schmuck (myself included) has bought flowers for a woman, either having them delivered to her office BEFORE the guy even asks her out, or brings them on the 1st date, only to not have the hoped for romance go anywhere, and then feel like a loser for blowing $50 on flowers on top of the dinner.
Any advice on this? Thanks.
Justin
Dear Justin,
Years ago, I gave a speech following a book signing for I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book. Afterwards, a nerd in his early forties approached me, agitated. He was hung up on the flowers question as well.
“I don’t understand,” he bellowed, “It’s good manners to give flowers on a first date. My father courted my mother that way. I don’t see what’s wrong with it.”
“It’s just a little too much,” I replied, diplomatically. “It’s a nice gesture…once you’re already in a relationship. But as a tool for wooing a woman, it can come off as a little cheesy.”
“Since when has chivalry become cheesy?” the man said, even more agitated. “I’m trying to demonstrate that I’m a thoughtful, generous man, and she’s judging me negatively for it? I don’t understand that kind of thinking.”
And he didn’t. Like most people on most issues, he was hard-wired to believe one thing, and was resistant to the possibility that he was wrong.
“Even if I agree with you in principle, sir,” I chimed in, “it doesn’t really matter. If you give flowers to every woman on the first date, and every woman agrees that it’s an over-the-top gesture which has been outdated for thirty years, why are you still fighting it? Instead of trying to convince womankind that they need to re-evaluate what’s comfortable, why don’t you just change tactics?”
He paused and took a deep breath. He looked me right in the eyes.
…
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67 Comments »Filed Under Dating
christine 1
if a guy brought flowers on a first date i would think he expected sex. so i would be uncomfortable on the date.
Sam 2
I’m eager to hear women’s perspectives on getting flowers on a first date. I’d never go all out and get a bouquet, but how about a single rose?
Are any of you ever attracted to cheesiness?
Collins 3
Flowers or gifts on first dates? No way! Any guy who buys such things for a gal he doesn’t even KNOW yet, is putting her on a pedestal & acting as if she’s some object to be purchased. Such behavior invites golddigging on the woman’s part. It takes a gold-GIVER to enable a gold-DIGGER. So don’t do it, guys–you’ll only sow the seeds of your own financial ruin!
Craig 4
This same guy would be the one writing to Evan to complain about how some rude woman he brought flowers for on the first date never returned his calls again. The fact is, such a gesture should be earned through a woman’s clear expression of mutual interest. The same goes for buying women drinks in bars. Why would someone you’ve never spent a minute with yet entitled to anything from you? Maybe that was the way things were done in the 50s, but things are far different now. In the 50s, women didn’t have 5 different men they were dating at the same time from the internet. The game has changed, so the rules have to change too.
What the writer needs to understand here is that whether he’s right or not is not the issue – it’s what works that is the issue. So the question he needs to ask himself is: does he want to be right – or does he want to get himself a woman and be happy?
WannaGetMatzoBalled 5
I would be seriously weirded out by any gift on a first date. Unless you met online and you traveled far and there is something significant about the object, I think it is strange. It implies an intimacy that isn’t there yet and I would have to wonder if he was off socially or emotionally. Even a rose is strange; it sounds like a guy who would write a profile looking for his “damsel” and “lady love”. It would feel like a little boy giving me a flower from the yard. I’d call it weird, not cheesy.
Dawn 6
The only situation in which first-date flowers (even a single rose) wouldn’t make me terribly uncomfortable is if the man and I knew each other fairly well already in some capacity, maybe after collaborating on a long-term project, or having an established friendship. Even then, it’s tricky, since there really is a fine line between sweet and cheesy.
Simpler to err on the side of no flowers, I think.
SueC 7
It all depends on the situation and the guy. If its someone I’ve known for awhile, we’ve been friends or been on a sports team together then yes it is very awkward because immediately it changes the character of the relationship instead of letting it change slowly.
However if the first date is with someone I’ve met online and we’ve talked on the phone a few times I think it’s sweet (NOT cheesy, but then I’m more old fashioned) if he brings me a rose. But guys think ahead … what is she going to do with it during your date? Is she going to have to carry it around all night? That really does present a problem for her.
Now a small gift that plays into a running joke that the two of you have going would signify that you’re thoughtful, creative and that you’ve been paying attention. That NEVER hurts in my book.
Mary 8
I love getting flowers and appreciate a man that is chivalrous and generous. If we knew each other for a while, but were just starting to date, then the flowers would be welcomed on the first date. Especially, if a man is trying to transition from a strictly platonic friendship to dating me. However, if it was a first date and we didnt know each other well, it would be awkward and I would think it was a routine with all his first dates.
Cindy 9
I have been dating for almost three years and have enjoyed getting flowers on the first date! I look at it as if the guy is making that extra effort to start the date off special! I never viewed it as someone expecting sex or anything else! As with anything, everyone has different expectations/opinions. I honestly think spending $10 or so on a flower or small bouquet is very thoughtful and nice!!
JimmyE 10
There’s also the practical consideration of what you expect your date to do with her $50 bouquet of flowers once they’ve been presented at the start of the date. she doesn’t what to appear ungrateful, so she’s obliged to carry them around the restaraunt, bar and then back to her car at the end of the night.
Sally 11
I guess I’m going against the mainstream here. I think a single rose or a very small bouquet (like daisies) on the first date is romantic and thouhtful. And every man who has done that has certainly gotten a second date with me. In fact, the man I have been dating for nearly two years gave me a single white rose on our first date. Granted, we spent a week or two getting to know each other via email or phone before that first date, so there was some familiarity. So, my vote: a bouquet of roses on the first date, too much. But a single rose? A winner.
Gail 12
First dates are full of pressure and nerves. Flowers or any other gift would make me feel uncomfortable and add to the pressure and nerves. The best thing to do is try to make the other person as comfortable as possible. At some point in a later date flowers would be a great way to say that you’re interested in more than just friendship.
Robin 13
I think it’s very sweet:) Albeit, I prefer the thought of it, not the money, so I’ve been more touched by the beautiful leaf a former boyfriend once found as he walked to my door, than a huge bouquet of flowers. I don’t think gestures like this should be “earned,” and I believe that they can be given by women as well as men. I wouldn’t expect anything, but would be surprised to receive a big bouquet from someone I didn’t know. If I was about to have a first date with a guy I knew, then it may just make me smile and think more about him:) BTW, that “flower” guy? He sounds as if he might have Asperger’s or similar, to me. I also think that he will end up happiest with a woman who likes flowers on a first date. He doesn’t need to change for the masses; he needs to just find the one woman who is like-minded.
Camilla 14
I think flowers (not roses or anything too spendy) are sweet. But only if part of the plan is to meet at her home. Then it feels a little more like a hostess gift. I bring flowers to friends all the time!
What’s really creepy to me is when those walking flower vendors prowl restaurants/clubs trying to get guys to buy their lady friends a plastic wrapped rose. So cheezy, and super embarrassing when you’re on a first date with someone!
Susan 15
I wouldn’t feel awkward if a guy brought me some flowers on a first date. I would think it was sweet. Of course, this would be preferable if we were meeting at my home.
And while I wouldn’t want a gentleman to spend any significant money, a small gift wouldn’t bother me. Everyone who knows me at all knows that I am very bookish. Once a first date brought me a copy of a book he loved. I thought it was a thoughtful gesture.
My all time favorite, though, was when my date showed up with a small toy for my cat. I’m not a crazy cat lady or anything, but that totally melted my heart. And that sweet gesture cost him less than a buck.
downtowngal 16
I love receiving flowers but would be put off by a guy who gave me a gift or flowers on a first date. It can be kind of creepy, pretentious and makes me think that he’s trying too hard, or that once I show I like him he’ll lose interest.
After dating for a bit and getting to know each other, gifts & flowers have more meaning.
Andrea 17
I would feel that it was cheesy and creepy, then I’d feel guilty about having those feelings because he meant well, thought it was sweet, and went to the trouble of buying them, and if he bought me flowers it means he likes me.
But I’d still feel creeped out.
Shawna 18
Don’t be so paranoid! We really don’t want the flowers or the candy and it’s simply because it’s annoying to put flowers in a vase. And we’re probably not going to eat the candy because we’re on diets or we don’t like them. If you’re going to play the kinds of games with us where you want us to “earn” freaking flowers, then you are not worth our time. Can’t we all be a little more sincere?
a&v 19
I’m in the “no flowers/gifts on a first date” camp for all the reasons mentioned above–unless, as others have stated, my date and I have known each other for awhile and the first date is more of a celebration of finally putting two and two together. Otherwise? Flowers seem to me a particular smarmy form of bribery. (But then, I’m a practical and suspicious sort.
)
mrs. vee 20
My husband brought me a humble bouquet of chrysanthemums when he came to collect me on our first date. I was far too into him to do anything but appreciate the gesture.
Still, I’d have to say that my all-time favorite first date gift was a bag of broccoli florettes from Trader Joe’s, after I’d complained to the guy that my local store was always out of the stuff.
Anna 21
I’ve had 2 dates bring flowers on our first date. As much as I love flowers, this gesture didn’t change my opinion that we didn’t have enough in common and I didn’t find the guys attractive enough to want to go on a second date.
Donna 22
I happen to mention bringing along one red rose as part of a sentence in my profile, and I have been amazed at the number of single red roses I have received. I didn’t mean it literally, and wasn’t initially expecting any, but It tells me how many men have really read and understood what I wrote, even if we have no more than one date. Now I always look forward to seeing who is interested enough to bring me that one red rose. I realize that my take on this is somewhat different, but are we so jaded that we cannot accept a a single rose picked up at the grocery store as implying anything other than just interest. After all, he did want to have a date with you.
Jen From NYC 23
No, no and no! Guys we dont want flowers on the first date. We want chemistry, manners, great conversation and sexual tension if the attraction is there. Oh and the hope or mention of a second date. Which I also think, NO FLOWERS. The flowers come when you are dating a few weeks, and lets say the girl invites you over to cook you dinner. The flowes come on special occasions and just because when you are established you are dating.
I always thought flowers were totally weird and a guy who does not know me, does not need to work that hard to get to know me. I always found all I wanted was a guy who showed interest in me of the first date and bought me a drink. The ones who expected we split the check or you buy one and I buy one….out the door. No way!
Coming from a semi-Jappy girl who does have big expectation from men, the flowers are not necessary. Did I say that enough times? My boyfriend buys me flowers about once a month which keeps it special but he showers me with love and affection (the right amount) which even on the first date, was enough to keep my interest one and a half years later.
Let me end by saying, NO FLOWERS. Some of you will continue to do it anyway, and perhaps you will meet a girl who is totally appreciative of it, but most of us think it is creepy and weird.
I think I answered your question ten times!
Jen
chiara 24
“We want chemistry, manners, great conversation and sexual tension if the attraction is there. Oh and the hope or mention of a second date…”
If you have all those things on a first date, are you really gonna mind a few posies too?
Seriously, if you like a guy, flowers on the first date seem flattering. If you don’t like him, they seem creepy.
Or to put it another way, if you’re not sure how you feel about a guy, but you are definitely bothered by his first-date florals, then maybe you should take that as confirmation that you’re just not that into him.
Rick 25
chiara – you get the prize for the best response. perfectly put.
Rick 26
Jen from NYC –
You said (over and over) NO FLOWERS, but then you said all you expected was a guy to buy you a drink. Well, what the hell is the difference exactly?
I guess flowers from a stranger creeps you out, but your favorite drink for free does not?
I’ll pass on buying you the drink.
Ava Mazur 27
Personally I expect nothing on a first date (with the exception of if the guy is the asker he should offer to pay). I think it really depends on the woman you are giving them too. I find flowers to be traditional and there is nothing wrong with that…I tend to be untraditional. Im very independent, I own my own home and out earn most of the males in my age group. Giving me a bunch of flowers is a red flag to me saying traditional gener roles are important. So my advice, if you are guy that loves to give flowers and spoil your woman do it! Why because thats you, thats what you like to do…and you woulnt be happy with someone who didnt appreciate how you express your good nature.
hunter 28
buying flowers for my first date, second date, third date, is a turn on for me. Many times, I have felt, like, keeping them, because of the chaos, they might create….my date gets them anyway…If she can’t handle it, that is her problem. It is on to the “next.”
Selena 29
I had someone bring me a rose on our first date, but we had actually met 3 times before, so knew each other a little bit. I loved the gesture.
If someone I had yet to get to know brought me a single rose, or a small bouquet from the grocery store on our first date I’d think it was charming and funny. Anything lavish would have me thinking, Uh Oh, he’s really going to push for sex or commitment right away.
passerby 30
I agree with chiara. If you like the guy, flowers or no flowers don’t matter that much.
I think one single flower (not necessarily a rose) is nice. A bouquet is not necessary though. Also, it’s annoying when a guy thinks that he somehow needs to be “rewarded” for bringing flowers. If you feel like a nice gesture – go ahead but don’t expect any rewards for it. You’re not a dog.
Becky King 31
Personally I expect a rose on the first date–god bless, it become real!!! You know I am a fat woman, seems there is no chance for me to meet my perfect match in the real life, so I turned to online dating. When the first time we met on the part, he give me a rose! it’s so sweet and romantic, I feel I fall in love with him immediately!
Jessica 32
I am reading some of these and thinking… Wow… a guy that brings flowers on the first date? I bet he opens the door for you and pulls out your chair too… That is so horrible. I can understand the reasoning for most people, but I commend men who are tradtional. Many of the men I have been on first dates don’t actually practice any form of chivalry. To me, a first date is generally an opportunity to make a great first impression.
But Hey, maybe I’m just too tradtional in my thoughts…
Dandh 33
I think it depends on the date and how well you know someone. First date I think flowers are too much. But if you’ve known each other for a while (say from work, school, other) have “hung out” before and are meeting up for the real dinner date for the first time, it could be very sweet!
I had a guy bring me a large bouquet on what was really our third date but the first time he picked me up at home all properly. There were two bouquets and he said to keep one in my living room and one in my bedroom so I could think of him wherever I was. Very sweet and the cheesiness worked for this date!
Other sweet things men have done:
http://datingdiamondsandheels.blogspot.com/2007/04/silver-lining.html
Francisco 34
I agree with Evan that the entire gift thing on the first date is overkill and very cliche. There are better, more meaningful ways to show a woman that you appreciate her company during the first date.
Any guy can pick up a bouquet of flowers from anywhere; local mall, grocery store or a quickie mart on the way to the date. It takes no imagination what so ever. But then again, the typical guy isn’t well versed in showing appreciation for a woman outside of giving gifts.
Personally I believe that offering a specific complement to a woman during the date, being engaging in conversation and truly listening to what she says and learning about her as a person goes much further than flowers when you first go out with a woman. If the first date goes well and there’s mutual chemistry a ‘thank you’ bouquet and/or a unique note would be more meaningful.
$Fd
Steve 35
This comment is in regards to the “nerd in is forties”, who after being told that giving flowers on the first date is not only 30 years out of fashion, but that it also puts women off ,insisting that is still the right thing to do.
I hate to quote a pop-talk show-psychologist like Dr. Phil, but I believe he boilded this issue down into a single concise and powerful question:
“Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
hunter 36
men get pleasure, mostly, from, food and sex. Women, are pleasured in a long list of ways, even on the first date, and flowers can be cheap, the lady standing at the corner, has inexpensive flowers….
Charley 37
If it feels right (just a handful times for me), I’ll bring one flower on the first date; those dates always turned into relationships. I bought two exes a single red rose on the first date, and I gave my current girlfriend a lovely pinkish/peach carnation. In my opinion, one flower at the door on the first date is sweet and reveals a hint of a romantic side; a bouquet is overkill and reeks of desperation.
TinaRochester 38
A gentleman who wants to be remembered will bring flowers. As far as showing mutual interest goes: Wouldn’t going on a date be mutual interest? Realistically I wouldn’t plan a date with someone whom I was not intereseted in.
Guys who don’t bring flowers or a flower to the first date will never or begrudgingly buy flowers. If there are no flowers as a woman you have to ask yourself precisely how interested he is in you.
The thing to remember is that you are going to want to call that woman within the next few days of the date. Do you want her looking at the lovely flowers you brought or an empty table, and associating you with the empty table?
Purely from a marketing perspective you have to understand if you want someone to understand and like your brand you need to get inside their home. The flowers are you inside line. Do you think that companies love giving away beads and things of the sort? No, they do it because the more someone views their brand name the more likely they are to buy the product.
You are product. Sell yourself. Buy Flowers.
hunter 39
to tinarochester,
…very well said, thank you, very much…
Sara 40
I’m not against a single flower on a first date, but anything more than that is simply uncomfortable. I had a first date with a guy I had met online, and he brought TWO DOZEN red roses. I’ve talked to others about that who thought it was a nice gesture, but in my mind it was way over the top. I didn’t for a second think that he expected something out of it, and he was genuinely a nice enough guy, but it just felt so…wrong. It made me uncomfortable, which, of course, did not bode well for the date.
Marta 41
Okay, I’m a baby boomer. And quite frankly, I’m sick and tired of tight fisted men who won’t spent money on a first date, I even had to pay for a soft drink on one first meeting. He was the one with a job, I’m a non-workaholic entrepreneur. I grew up on the flowers and candy etiquette, and unless its a ploy, I think its a wonderful gesture. And I really don’t get some of the anti-woman, pro-buddies web sites either. I don’t think I’m a relic, just a baby boomer. I still believe in the different strokes for different folks sentiment….What’s one person’s cheesy can be another person’s romantic gesture. Too much stinginess or a lack of romantic gestures can be a deal breaker, the two together can really put an end to a relationship…Just MHO, anyway…Call me a hopeless romantic, but there still are a bunch of us out here who appreciate things like flowers, candy or or thoughtful getures…
Jessica L. 42
Like many things, this has a kind and degree element to it. Not the kind of flowers or how many necessarily, though I do agree with all of you who have mentioned that an entire bouquet would be uncomfortable and overkill in/for the majority of first date situations.
Particularly as JimmyE (thanks!) stated when you are going on a first date in public. What to do with them the whole night and it draws attention to you – the woman with the flowers – not only do you not want them to die, spill their water or get mangled, but then you have to also contend with people thinking that the two of you are experiencing a special occasion. The more flowers or grander the gesture, the more true that is.
I meant kind of gift (if one at all), the timing of it and the degree to which you really know the person before they bestow such. And too, there is the degree of how personal it is or isn’t.
Usually more is less at first even though you want to show you are genuine. What you say and how you act is more important than what you get for the other person or even what you get from them.
I’d say in at least half of the cases where I have been presented with gifts, they were often on a first date or very early and they put pressure on you.
You certainly don’t want to make the man (or woman if she gives or makes you something) feel bad, nor do you want to be ungrateful, but you usually don’t know the other person’s feelings well enough – or your own – to be able to just react naturally without worrying about expectations or hope on his or her part.
If you have more of an established, personal relationship beforehand – say very specific emails and calls where you feel you have really gotten to know one another, then I’d say take it on an individual basis – to gift or not to gift AND WHEN. Then the what closely follows. Of course, the WHY is maybe the most important of them all.
In two instances, I have received gifts on first dates (although one was a gift he tried to buy, more on that momentarily) where they were of very specific to both me, and as it turns out, the guy as well. One was a guy whom I had gotten pretty close to in email and calls and I think he felt the same. He showed up on his motorcycle with a beautiful gardening book. He said he knew that flowers would spoil and I wouldn’t have any place to put them anyway. I believe he already had this book, as he loved gardening and plants, but that is ok. I’d rather he not have gone to a lot of extra trouble and expense anyway, but it meant something to me in that he thought about it and did some original and meaningful to/for me.
The other instance was another deeper connection before the date. We had talked about a book called “The Sick Caesars” – about the various Caesars in Ancient Rome and the diseases they all had and how they did or did not affect their rule, their personalities, and history at large.
He tried very hard to find a copy for me to give me on the first date. I didn’t know that. Unbeknownst to him, I had done the same thing. Tried to find it for him – was near Father’s Day and they were selling out like crazy. I found the last copy at a Barnes and Noble near my house. Several other stores in the area were already sold out. He said on that date, I tried to find that book for you, but there were none left. To which I was then able to reply, “I know, I got the last one – for you.”
Definitely a case of mutual gifting there. Turned out to be a fabulous first date at the High Museum and certainly one I remember fondly, though it didn’t end up having longer lasting relationship potential. It did lead to some canoodling in the car, so I can’t help but wonder if that would have happened if we hadn’t been on the same wavelength about the book and feeling fairly close prior to the date.
I do know that in other cases where I wasn’t sure how I felt and was worried the guy maybe liked me more, flowers tended to tip me more into the Uh-Oh Zone and made me worry.
Agree with those of you who suggest waiting until a second or third date with signs that a gift would be welcome and sincerely appreciated though in no way EXPECTED.
I have a Baking & Pastry Arts degree and love to bake for loved ones, friends, elderly people and that special someone. You wouldn’t believe how many guys write to me and tell me what they want me to make them from the get-go. Not just stating what they like to eat but more of a “You can bake me this…” statement. Some don’t get that this is something that is earned as well : )
On the flipside, I have been known once or twice to bake cookies (from scratch) too early and it almost always works to my detriment. Though they have always been appreciated. Not quite as bad as giving of yourself physically too soon, but it tends to be emotional over-extention. They will eat the cookies, then RUN! : )
Most things are appreciated more if we have to earn them and wait for them. And then you know it is really you the guy (or) girl wants to give flowers to or make love to or whatever rather than that they are just in love with the idea of being romantic or in love, etc. Once the object of your affections is much less an object to you than a specific, known entity if that makes sense…
Balance and timing are huge keys here. Just not always easy to read how the other person really feels and how they are coming along with things versus where you are at. I do believe in reciprocity though and making sure to be thoughtful in any way you can – as long as it doesn’t make someone else uncomfortable or think too much.
Another thing – you should be giving a gift more for the way it will make the recipient feel, not for how you will feel for giving it. That way, you aren’t disappointed if they don’t react the way you want or hope, and you could be pleasantly surprised if they do. But can’t have a personal agenda or goal trying to meet or will put pressure on the other person, and actually, on yourself too.
Overall I agree with Evan – but think using judgment on an individual basis – just like you wouldn’t use the same golf club to hit every shot – is key. The letter writer here clearly had an absolute about flower giving and the only absolutes in life that I know of that can be counted on exist in math.
Jessica L. 43
I would add – The way this subject head/question is phrased (and so many others) tells you a great deal about the poster’s mind set and attitude from the get-go. Using the word “SHOULD”. In the great scheme of things, “should” can garner less than the positive results desired. In general, people don’t owe us anything and using the word should or believing that people should do something implies very high expectations that many people don’t share or won’t meet. Even if they agree with you in theory. The believe in should and the rampant usage/prevalence often also leads to a false sense of entitlement (on the part of both men and women)> And it also often makes something a “have-to” rather than a “want to” which is rarely as beneficial as doing something of your own free will because it is how you feel rather than dictated as a mandate by someone else, by culture, society or whatever. In any event, where there is a should there really should (yeah, I know ; ) ), be a caveat following close behind. Would and could are usually the same.
But if someone does do something for you, being gracious and acknowledging the gesture is the right way to go. If you are lucky, the gesture is genuine and the person will permit you to receive it in your own way rather than in a way they may have preconceived ahead of time.
pericles 44
Perhaps it’s because I’m older, but a man brought me a single rose once when we first met and I was charmed. I think a single flower is a very sweet gesture. Not necessary, but very sweet.
Jimmie Lynne 45
I’m 27 and I’m not what you would call a girly girl. I’m into computers, video games, sci-fi, and rock concerts, but when a guy buys me flowers, even if it is on the first date, I am ECSTATIC. Yes it’s a little old fashioned, but it’s also really sweet. I have a lot of masculine hobbies and therefor a lot of guy friends. I get so sick of guys who try to “play it cool” and keep it vague to avoid outright rejection. Is it a date? Is it a friendly get together? Is it a guy friend trying to figure out if he can just get in my pants without having to commit? Flowers send a DEFINITE message. “I like you. Please like me too.” Flowers make me feel special and appreciated. I once had a guy special order a dozen roses and have them shipped across county in a refrigerated truck because they were the only florist he could find that watered white roses with food coloring to give them interesting colors. Let me tell you, nothing says, “I know who are and I’m not just interested in your breasts” like a dozen blue roses. (blue is my favorite color) I think I nearly cried with happiness. He and I met online, and this was before we ever met in person. We ended up dating for eighteen months.
Nelly 46
I love receiving flowers but not on the first date. It is very sweet of him but I would feel uncomfortable and pressured especially if I’m not interested in him….I would feel a little guilt for not wanting to go on a second date with him.
hunter 47
I went to meet a woman, for the first time at a sTarbuck’s coffee shop, with flowers in my hand. I was early for the meeting, sat at a table, set the flowers on the table, and, to my surprise, I had women walk by asking me, what the flowers were about!,,,,,,,,,,I was ready to forget my meeting and go with someone else!……….
Ah L'amoure 48
I received flowers on a first date and thought it was absolutely wonderful! The thought that someone had such a high opinion of me that they went to all that trouble really blew me away. I was impressed.
LenMusicMan 49
Myself, I like to bring flowers to show that I like the woman. Whether it is on the first date or not, does not matter. Also, I never expect anything in return. Since you can’t make a woman like you, this is just a romantic gesture for me.
What suprises me, are the responses of women that men expect sex when bringing flowers to a lady. This seems to fall under the category, I am trying to buy sex from you. And this seems to fall under the category of a “nice” man with a hidden agenda.
Am I one of the few men left that will give a gift to a woman with no expection of anything in return, other than “thank you”.
A-L 50
I suspect that a lot of the men bringing women flowers are not of my generation. Only one guy has done it for me on a first date, and I thought it was very sweet. I thanked him and had zero expectations that he was going to get anything extra for it beyond that. At the end of the date when he pulled out a pink Care Bear of his car (he’d actually written my name on the bear’s tag, so he’d planned it out), I thought it was way too much and felt uncomfortable. But flowers by themselves? Go for it, if it’s an evening date. If it’s a more casual or daytime affair, a single bloom will have the same heart-melting effect.
Kyle 51
I’ve been looking for suggestions on flowers and have seen that the dialogue surrounds the first date. I’m not comfortable giving flowers on a first date for many of the reasons mentioned here, but what about the second date?
The conclusion I’m coming to is there isn’t much that can be gained. I would think many women would see it as ‘sweet’ but you run a serious risk of appearing desperate or too much too soon. It seems to me the best approach early on is to just appear genuinely interested while I get to know her too – if it becomes something, maybe flowers are perfect for a 1 month ‘anniversary’ date.
Any suggestions here?
Send inexpensive flowers 52
Personally, it’s no big deal if a guy gives flowers to the girl on their first date. It’s part of being a gentlemen and showing sincerity to the girl. Just my two cents.
-ashliana-
vino 53
“Should Men Buy Flowers or Gifts for Women on First Dates?”
Never.
Michael 54
Except, under a limited set of circumstances, maybe a Trojan.
Jennie 55
While I prefer traditional roles in a m/f relationship, I find flowers on the first date too much – especially, if you only talked to him vis email. I was on the fence as to whether or not my attraction/like a guy and he showed up with flowers on our first meeting. AWKWARD! That made me feel “obligated” to like him when I wasn’t sure. He got mad that I didn’t appreciate his jesture and threw a temper tantrum. After he stomped off, with his flowers, I sat there and just laughed. I think a single “neutral” flower is the only appropriate flower allowed until a couple gets to know each other better.
Lee 56
If a woman is freaked out by a man getting her a single rose on a 1st date, then she is definitely not worth pursuing any further. What a heavy financial investment a single rose is (maybe $3)!
Could it be possible that he is thoughtful, gentlemanly and likes her? From my experiences, I’ve had a better chance at a second date with a woman when I’ve given a single rose than not.
I advise against getting a boutique, though.
Joe 57
@ Lee 56:
I don’t think too many guys could afford to get a whole boutique for a woman, ever, let alone on a first date!
Jack 58
In the internet age, most people do take some time to get to know each other before they meet, usually exchanging quite a few emails and usually they spend quite a bit of time on the phone. So bringing a gift on a first date is sometimes just a nice thing to do, especially if you seem to hit it off. I am a woodworker so I don’t spend any money on her just my time and make something out of scraps leftover from other projects. I wouldn’t do this for everyone I meet. I could care less if it doesn’t go beyond the first date because there are many more fish in the sea…
Donna 59
Flowers on a first date is not wrong, nor outdated. The problem is that Evan is too young to understand chivalry and is trying to change society so he doesn’t have to buy people gifts any more. It’s ludicrous.
Evan — Sorry, but flowers don’t weird out a woman.
(I posted this because it was the most ridiculous thing ever. First of all, I’m 39. And my thoughts aren’t about my being cheap – they come from having WOMEN tell me that it’s over-the-top when a guy gives ‘em flowers. Maybe you should contact the OP, Donna. Sounds like a match made in cheesy-hell.)
Greg 60
Since there’s a chance that women will be creeped out by flowers or a gift on a first date then its better not to buy them. I’ve also come to realize that many people cannot accept unconditional gifts and generosity. If I give a girl something, its unconditional. I do it just to be nice and put a smile on her face, and I don’t expect her to like me. Its like donating to charity, you don’t expect the poor people to pay you back, you just did it to be nice. If you always assume that other people have ulterior motives when giving, it could be that you may be the kind of person tat is only nice when you want something from someone.
Todd Suriano 61
Hi im 19 and dating someone and just stumbled upon this site. Ive noticed there are not to many younger people commenting, so i wanted to put my two cents in. I think its actually quite sad that women have become so afraid, of something like getting a rose or a bunch of flowers. Last time i checked flowers show that a man is interested in you. Im talking to all the ladies out there when i say this. Stop being such ungreatful pansies…. if a man gets you some flowers on date thank him and get on with the date.
Nicola 62
I’ve had bigger and better things bought for me on a first date (including beautiful flowers) and I think it’s a lovely thing to do on a man’s part.
What ever happened to love and romance?
And just remember, guys:
Fair heart never won fair maiden!
Buy her nice things.. they don’t have to be expensive.. and she’ll love you for it. I wouldn’t want to go out with an unappreciative woman just like I would not go out with a mean man.
Just don’t be too nice all the time or else!
inertia 63
Getting flowers for a woman is NEVER a bad idea. It’s a sweet, thoughtful, charming gesture and I hope that you’d have the manners and grace to show thanks, not disdain, when some one gives or does anything for you. I’m in my early 40′s, so I’m dating men in their mid-40′s to early 50′s … and I would say almost half of them have showed up on a first date (always dinner – by THEIR request, not mine) with something, beautiful bouquets, exotic flowers, sometimes chocolates, one guy made a basket of vegetables from his garden, threw in something for my pet as well. I certainly don’t expect anything on these dates, nor do I expect to be taken to dinner on a first date, … but when they show up with something, I really appreciate the thoughtfulness – the fact that they actually had to pre-plan it, and go out and do something? Sweet. That is not the deal breakers with me. What is the deal breaker is being invited for dinner, expensive restaurant of their choice, and accepting me to pay half (which I always offer and am prepared to do so). I had just been restructured so was unemployed and he, well let’s just had two estates and a barn full of race and polo horses. He also tipped very cheaply (which I privately made up for to our excellent waiter). Rudeness, getting drunk on your first dates, vulgarity, … those are the kind of things that should creep you out. Not someone who gives you flowers. (And boys, if you ARE bringing flowers … or anything else, doing it because YOU want to (and you can afford it), because that’s a reflection of who you are … NOT because you’re expecting something in return).
elli 64
Hi everybdy! I am European and I can´t believe my eyes when I read some of the posts like if a guy brings me sth. on a first date I will think he will want sex, etc. What about looking at it from a brighter side, like he wants to show me that he is a caring man, or he wants to make me feel feminine, or he wants me to feel like a princess? I agree with much what is written in this and other threads but IMHO you guys overcomplicate human relationships!
Fusee 65
If the guy has already:
1. Showed interest upon meeting me for the first time
2. Evaluated my interest properly
3. Asked me out respectfully
4. Showed up on time on Date #1
5. Offered to pay for Date #1,
then this is plenty generosity, manliness, and chivalry for me at this point. No need for extra gifts and sweet touches. Keep them for later!
My boyfriend gave me a red rose on Date #4 just before taking me to a nice dance venue. That was the perfect timing in our budding relationship. I now receive a monthly bouquet of fresh flowers. This is also much appreciated.
On Date #1 this would have been too much too soon. I actually had that happen to me once in the past – although it was a simple bunch of Jasmine flowers taken from a bush and a fresh orange – and I felt uncomfortable. It was somewhat sweet but coming from a virtual stranger, a bit too much for my taste. Do not overdo it.
Kathleen 66
Id be a little freaked out and embarrassed if a guy brought flowers to the first date. Id be wondering where the closest exit was. It would seem too needy
All I need is his Sexy (hopefully) Self to show up on time and look good.
Lucy 67
I really think it’s time to throw out the rulebook and return to simple common courtesy, Whatever I do on a first date is down to my reading of Debrett’s mainly. I make effort in my conversation and interest in that person, which counts for much more than a gift. Personally I prefer men not to buy me a gift for a date because I do not think it’s necessary (what about women buying men gifts?). At the same time, I wouldn’t begrudge a man who did if his heart was in the right place.
Whatever your views on this, it is best to assume good faith until proven otherwise. People have different ways of receiving and expressing love and it is really important that we recognise this difference in each other. If a man buys a woman flowers, it doesn’t mean that he’s clingy. It means it is his way of expressing affection. I’ll always appreciate that gesture for what it is, because there are plenty of men who make less of an effort. Still, as others have suggested, it’s best not to pass it off as a huge deal (otherwise it wouldn’t really come from the heart).