Taking Down Your Profile

couple using laptops on bed

Ive been seeing this girl I met online for about two months. Things are going well and I want to be her boyfriend, but I still notice her logging into the dating site where we met. How can I get her to take her profile down without seeming too pushy?


Great question, Jason – one that affects everyone who dates online. The thing to realize is that you can’t change anyone else’s behavior. She’s gonna do what she wants to do, same as you are.

The best way to see this clearer is to flip the situation over. If some girl is into you, but you’re not into her, you’re gonna keep browsing online. Doesn’t mean you don’t want to see her, just means you’re looking to trade up. She’s Miss Right Now, not Ms. Right. However, if she refuses to be Miss Right Now and makes it clear that she’ll accept nothing less than a commitment, that’s okay. You’ll wish her the best of luck in her search and you’ll both move on to greener pastures. You have different needs, different goals, different perceptions – no reason for anyone to get hurt.

You’re the girl in this situation. And if you’re unsure of where you stand, the best solution is to bring this to the surface in a confident way. How do you do that?

Take down your profile. Unilaterally.

She’ll notice. She may even say something.

If she does, just let her know that you don’t want to see anyone else. She’ll either think that’s sweet and offer to remove her profile, or she’ll remind you that you’re just “seeing each other” and that she’s not ready to be exclusive. Either way, you have your answer.

The reason her profile is still up is basically one of the below:

1) She’s playing it cool and trying not to act needy. She’s waiting for you to make a commitment to be a boyfriend.

2) She’s just not that into you.

I did this three years ago and it worked perfectly. Was dating two women casually. Met a third and was blown away. I dumped the first two and instantly took down my profile for #3. When #3 saw my profile was down, she asked me why. I told her, matter-of-factly that she was why. What’s the point of me looking for other people when I was into her? Of course, such an admission can be a little intimidating for someone you’ve known for a week.

Which is why I reassured her that she didn’t have to remove her profile. Removing my profile is what I wanted to do. And if she wanted to go out with twenty other JDate guys before taking her profile down, she could. As far as I was concerned, going on a bunch of dates would only reinforce why she should be exclusive with me. Yes, a little ego goes a long way.

Now if you take down your profile and she doesn’t say anything, you might want to step up your efforts to see her more. There are two possible scenarios: 1) she reciprocates in kind, and you become her boyfriend, and 2) she backs away, and you move on. No need to have an uncomfortable “Why is your profile up after two months?” conversation. Actions speak louder than words.

To sum up, the reason her profile is still up is basically one of the below:

1) She’s playing it cool and trying not to act needy. She’s waiting for you to make a commitment to be a boyfriend.

2) She’s just not that into you.

The latter is the more likely scenario. But you never know until you take action.

The good thing is that there’s no downside to pushing things forward. Better to get an answer now than to wait another two months to find out where you stand.

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  1. 1

    Currently, this female happens to be seeing someone and in the exact same position. And, truth be told, I am not sure if we are both checking on each other and prolonging the chase or not. I am an old-fashioned, of sorts, and believe that any man should take the lead- right or wrong this is where my beliefs lie. And since the gentleman I am dating has not mentioned it, I do not want to limit my options for fear that he is dating many different people. Rest assured, though, in my case as long as I see his active I will continue to be active. My suggestion would be for you to let her know where your head is at. Too, I have many friends who will follow in my same footsteps and wait for the man to take the lead. So, I do happen to have a differing opinion and do not believe that most times “she’s just not that into you”, I actually believe it is just the opposite- I think for many who are new to online dating- and this might be her, as well- she has insecurities about exposing her feelings for fear of anticipating too much too soon in this very complex world of dating. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you!

  2. 2

    Can’t it be as simple as this: at some point you have “the talk”: Are we dating other people? Do we want to be exclusive, complete with “boyfriend / girlfriend” label?

    If you decide to be exclusive, then you later notice that she’s still logging in — it’s worthwhile to address that.

  3. 3
    Dating Trooper - Dating is Warfare

    I’m with loverville. Maybe I oversimplify but if we haven’t had “the talk,” there is no promise of exclusivity. Of course, many of us can’t handle dating a few people at a time without going crazy, so if you end up exclusive with someone “by default,” it doesn’t mean they’re exclusive with you until it’s discussed. Plus, the girl damn well knows you can see when she’s logging on to the dating site so maybe she’s doing to to PROVOKE the conversation? Just a thought….

  4. 4

    My apologies – good grammar and correct typing has been somewhat lacking in my posts.

  5. 5
    Michael Ejercito

    If he is not yet her boyfriend, then she is still available.

    Profiles can be set to “hidden” on most sites like Match.Com.

    1. 5.1

      What if the other person continually says they don’t know how to “get of their list” that continually send him the new emails he’s been getting from the dating website? He says this when you well know that he gets around computers very good?

  6. 6

    Okay, so my “boyfriend” and I have been dating for two months and he says he’s exclusive, but still has his profile up?

    1. 6.1

      Same is happening to me, I believe that “boyfriend” is very selfish.   He is only thinking about him.   If after dating for almost 3 months, he is still having his profile(s) open, then…he is just a bunch of BS, clearly not that into you regardless if he takes you to nice dates on the weekends.   He is clearly still looking around. I was enrolled into a dating site, after a couple of weeks of dating this guy, I took my profile of the air…almost 3 months have passed by and even though I talked to him about this, he still wants his profiles open…so not into me!   Last night I opened my dating profile again.

  7. 7

    Do you still have yours up?

    1. 7.1

      by the sound of it he does

  8. 8

    No. I took my off as soon as we slept together. He says he has the right to look.

  9. 9

    Since I posted this question, I went to the web site I found him on and put mine on there. I felt guilty and the next morning I removed it. He found me on there in less than 12 hours!

  10. 10

    He has the right to look at what? Have you had the exclusivity discussion, and agreed to be exclusive? If not, he certainly does have the right to look.

  11. 11

    Yes, well, we both said that we weren’t going to have relationships with anyone else without telling the other first. That seems to me to be exclusive. Is that not to a man?

    1. 11.1
      cinnamon girl

      IMO   “we weren’t going to have relationships with anyone else without telling the other first.” is not specific enough to be exclusive.   He thinks he has the right to look online and then when he dates a little before getting physical he can tell you.    If what you want is exclusive, you need to be very specific.. going together, monogamous, no dating website browsing, commitment.   If he still wants to have a profile up and look around.. it is not a commitment.. just a way to not get an std.

      1. 11.1.1

        i agree, phrasing it as “we weren’t going to have relationship s with anyone without telling the other first” can only mean you are friends with benefits until he finds the girl who will tell him her conditions of dating…that she will only start dating anyone with the intent for long term & will not allow a man to keep playing the field whilst he’s with her. He will drop you like a hot cake for a girl like that !!!

  12. 12

    If he wanted to look, he could hide his profile and still peruse the women (assuming you’re on a site that has this feature). Keeping his profile up means not only does he want to look at women, he wants them to look at him. It says, “I’m still available.”

    Get rid of him.

  13. 13

    …It seems as if he’s on there browsing girls, seeing if the grass is greener. I don’t know…

  14. 14

    I totally feel you. I’ve been dating someone for a month now, we have been sleeping together regularly and he’s SUPER affectionate with me in public. He is funny, warm, love and treats me to everything…
    However, I took my profile but he did not. Wtf? I’m not really sure what this means. All my guy friends have been telling that I messed up by sleeping with him, but that he clearly likes me. I’m just not sure how much he likes me. I don’t whether I should initiate the what are we talk or wait for him…
    The rules of online dating can suck sometimes.

  15. 15

    I have the same problem, BB… BF of 4.5 months, I never checked on because I trusted him, just went today and he has an “available” profile seeking LTR and just logged in this morning.   I asked him about it (tried to avoid being confrontational) and he said that he just likes ‘people watching’ and that he had changed it to available when i broke up with him a couple weeks ago but forgot to change it back.   We got back together after less than a day though (I broke up with him out of haste and anger of something else he did).   So he said that he would take it down since it bothered me.  
    Seriously, WTF???
    So he doesn’t want to take it down due to wanting to be with only me.   I told him I didn’t care if he kept it up but I’m going to re-activate mine and he didn’t like that (I get very high response rates, which he knows)   Should I care about his reasoning for taking it down or just be happy that he agreed to?   He also agreed to let me log into his account to see what he’s been doing, but obviously there’s nothing from stopping him from logging in right now and deleting stuff.
    We’re in a pretty serious relationship, going on vacations together and call each other boyfriend/girlfriend.   I’m confused.

    1. 15.1

      RR : please just tell him what you’d like him to do, in a very trite non threatened way. That you were under the impression you were in a LTR with him & working toward cultivating that relationship & putting your attention on it. Tell him “he can do what he likes & that if he’s keeping his options open then you’re not the girl for him”.

      If you’re uncomfortable, tell him the scenario makes you feel uneasy & a little vulnerable & that you need to be in a secure relationship that shows.

  16. 16

    If you like someone enough to see someone several times each week and have sex with them, there would be no need to continue looking and having your profile active.   Unless you are not serious about the person or are using them to pass the time until someone more interesting arrives on the scene.
    Your reasons for joining online site.
    The truth you reveal about what it is you are seeking in your profile.
    The honesty between you and the person you are seeing regularly.
    The conviction behind your reasons for joining and your honesty with those you date.
    Remember that your actions and words should align. The other person will catch on and know something is not right if you contradict or omit your intent.  
    Being vague about your intent and checking the site while having giving the impression you are developing a relationship with one person is shady behavior. Eventually you will become one of the “regulars”   on these sites and the opposite sex will avoid you. Word travels fast and unless you care about how you treat people, consider reexamining your disclosures and intent. Be clear. Be fair and above all else, have a conscience and empathy for the other person.

  17. 17

    The statement I made: “If you like someone enough to see someone several times each week and have sex with them” requires some qualification.
    Let’s assume one is seeing someone several times each week for a couple of months.   Both talk on the phone/text daily and having a having a sexual relationship with each other. They introduce you to their young child/children, and talk about how excited/happy they are being involved with you. You spend time with them and their kids.   Add to it that you specifically asked them if they are dating others or are having sex with others and their reply is “no.”
    They may mean no as in NOT AT THIS MOMENT. And tomorrow is another day so the answer may be different without warning. But for those who do not wish to take the hard line of interrogation, this would be enough to establish trust that they are working on knowing YOU and not everyone else on the dating site. It should be a relief.
    If a person has no issue dating and having sex with more than one person while sublimating the cold reality of “it’s none of your business what I do” than their true self is in the limelight. That same person is willing to subjugate their own kids to partners coming and going at an exponential rate. It does not whisper quality. It screams selfish. If they are still online while doing all this but say it’s YOUR fault for not asking earlier, than find someone who has your best interests at heart. This person is NOT IT.
    The same courtship rules in real life should apply to online dating. Convenient truths of the moment are not genuine and border on deceptive.  
    A person who wants YOU and only YOU will make it happen and let you know without veiled deceptive wordsmithing. Every day they are hecking out the goods online time he or she is NOT checking out you and what you have to offer.  
    The basic considerations of traditional methods of dating have not changed with the advent of online dating. A person claiming to be online for FRIENDS while stringing you along is not on a dating site for friends. it’s for romantic investigation of a partner. Friends can be found on meetup dot com or other avenues. Dating sites mean DATING. Finding a partner. Hook up sites are for hooking up. The profile should reflect their intent and you should call bullshit if the two do not align. Look out for yourself and be careful. You may not only be screwing the village idiot but all the others he or she is lying to.

  18. 18
    Ben Ther

    I’ve  had the same question. Dated one girl for nine months.  I took down my profile after several months yet she did not. She later confirmed she did not  consider herself my girlfriend, rather I was just a “very good friend.” Of course I should have raised the issue sooner. The next relationship, the girl asked after the first (really good) date if I was seeing anyone else. She didn’t say I couldn’t. She was just curious.   Now I’ve   been in a new relationship for two months  that’s seemingly  going well.   I again have the same concern. I stopped logging in to my account weeks ago to show I was not looking, while she logs in two or three times a week. I need to have a conversation.

  19. 19

    Yep you’re right – I think you do need  to have the conversation. I have been seeing Darren for two months.  He brought it up early – earlier than I was expecting – hence me agreeing – then getting freaked out by it and asking  for help! I  think 2 months is fine to bring it up. That way you’ll know if you’re on  the same page or not.


  20. 20

    If everything in this world was only this simple.       I also met a amazing guy online and depending on how busy i was,   i liked to log in an read his profile or see his pictures, of course i made sure that  he could not see that im  checking out his profile. So to answer Jason’s question, it could just be that she is login in to look at your photos, or to read your profile once again, because she is enjoying getting to know you so much.       Dont be surprised if she also  noticed you login in, and  also wonders.     The same thing happened to me,  but   i was so confident in what was going on between  myself and this amazing man   such great chemistry and connection  that i didnt question it.    I sort of encouranged, why? I  was challenging what we had so far   if after meeting me if he could  meet  other women and still kept coming back to me, we were really onto something really special  here,   the begin of a great relationship.    I personaltely can only date one person at the time.    As the cool  chick that  i am i   felt secure enough that  he could search the universe and would never find someone like me.  

    Like the pina colada song where they answer eachother personal ads.       Jason If you like the woman, take the next step ask her to take it down and allow for the two of you to get to know eachother better and take it one step at a time, if you are on the same page you won’t have any resistance.  

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