Have the Relationship You Want – an interview with Rori Raye

loveu-podcast-episode-68

Rori Raye is a wildly popular relationship coach for women who has impacted hundreds of thousands of lives over her storied career. She is the living embodiment of patience, intuition and feminine energy and I’m excited to share her teachings with you on this special Love U Podcast interview.

Click here to learn more about Rori, her coaches and being a Modern Siren!

Want to be a guest on the Love U Podcast? Click here to ask a question. 


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Comments:

  1. 1
    Emily, the original

    I like her idea of the modern siren who is busy pursuing her own passions and attracting suitors. It seems that the minute you actively work to win a man over and get his attention/validation, the whole thing goes in the crapper.

    1. 1.1
      Sk

       

       

      Can a man give their opinion as why this is?  It is true.  Sadly

      1. 1.1.1
        Emily, the original

        Why is it sad? Trying to win someone over comes from a place of insecurity. Not doing that reveals a person’s confidence.

  2. 2
    S.

    What is your siren song? What are you playing on your island?

    Wow. We have to be playing our own song, i.e. living a fantastic life.   Then that will attract men.  Aha!

    I also loved what she said about smell too, that we are covering up our own pheremones with artificial chemicals.

    Such an interesting guest.

    1. 2.1
      Emily, the original

      S.,

      I also loved what she said about smell too, that we are covering up our own pheromones with artificial chemicals.

      That was the only thing I disagreed with — that men need some kind of initial hormonal/chemical “ping” to want to approach a woman, but that women do not in order to say yes to a date. Not true. A certain shazam is necessary.

       

      1. 2.1.1
        S.

        I heard it as her saying both men and women are attracted to each other’s scent.

        I know it’s certainly true for me!

        1. Emily, the original

          S.,

          Her quote to Evan: “You men require a physical sense of chemical attraction in order to come towards us and we women do not. I believe that passion can be built and chemistry can be built and attraction can built for women through intimacy … whereas men need that smell, that feeling.”

           

        2. S.

          I can only speak for myself. Scent is very important to me.

          I’m going to take it as let’s not cover up our natural scents too much!

          🙂

  3. 3
    MendoDiva

    I seem to be overly sensitive to scents, and for myself, I do hate it when men wear any aftershave. I want to smell the natural clean man. So the fact that this is reversed is a no-brainer.

  4. 4
    Susan

    Rory needs to attend some Meetups … 50,60, 70 people … 5 men … 75 women.Most I have attended are like this.

    1. 4.1
      Emily, the original

      Susan,

      Rory needs to attend some Meetups … 50,60, 70 people … 5 men … 75 women.Most I have attended are like this.

      I have experienced the same thing. The few times I have seen attractive men at a meetup, they are usually with their girlfriend/wife.

      1. 4.1.1
        Marika

        Women are generally better at establishing & reestablishing social connections, and so are more represented at Meetups, but she’s right about the bushwalking ones. In my area, at least, they are full of great, interesting (and healthy!) single men.

        1. Susan

          Bushwacking???   Is this a joke?  Or did I fall asleep during that part?   I have attended various types of hiking Meetings in two areas in southern CA and the same 5 men attend each group along with the 50 to 100 women.    Combine this with my ability to only attract men online that are from socioeconomic classes 10 levels beneath my own, it is very difficult to even get a date with a quality man let alone a relationship.   I listen to these podcasts for their entertainment value but they are purely theoretical.

        2. Emily, the original

          Markia,

          In my area, at least, they are full of great, interesting (and healthy!) single men.

          You’re lucky. I’ve been to several different meetups and have not met one attractive, single man at any of them. I certainly have by no means been to all the meetup groups in my area. There are probably more than 100. In terms of the ones I have tried, it feels like the earth swallowed all the 40-something men. I’ve been to groups where they guys were late 20s/early 30s and others where they were 55+ (many were retired.)

        3. JB

          MeetUp groups are filled with socially awkward men that can’t get dates so they hang out there with their name tags on hoping to get women to talk to them. They get ignored online.

        4. Emily, the original

          JB,

          MeetUp groups are filled with socially awkward men that can’t get dates so they hang out there with their name tags on hoping to get women to talk to them. They get ignored online.

          I’ve heard that before, too. The times I have met socially adept men at meetups, they were with their girlfriends/wives.

      2. 4.1.2
        Clare

        This is a very sad state of affairs.

         

        You should move to my country – or my part of it at least – attractive single men seem to outnumber the women four to one. I know it’s not like this everywhere, but certainly here, it’s how it seems. At my local pub for instance, you will generally find the place full of guys and maybe 8 – 10 women.I know it’s not like this everywhere, but certainly here, it’s how it seems. At my local pub for instance, you will generally find the place full of guys and maybe 8 – 10 women.The balance is definitely the other way here. It’s one of the reasons why I, as an attractive woman in my thirties, don’t feel desperate in the slightest. I get asked out frequently. The term “fending them off” comes to mind.

         

        I’m not saying this to be arrogant or vain – my girlfriends are in the same boat. None of them are single for long or unless they want to be. Women just have a MUCH easier time here than men.

        1. Emily, the original

          Clare

          You should move to my country – or my part of it at least – attractive single men seem to outnumber the women four to one.

          OMG, where do you live? I’m getting my passport ready as a I write this.  🙂

        2. Emily, the original

          One caveat: The goods are good, right? It can’t be a case of the odds being good, but the goods being odd!

        3. Clare

          Emily,

           

          South Africa. So if you can put up with the crime and the economy, there is NO shortage of eligible, attractive men here looking for a wife!

        4. Clare

          Emily,

           

          As for the goods being odd, it depends very much what you’re looking for, I suppose. But every one of the guys I’ve been out with or been asked out by has at least the following to his name:

          – Attractive. Reasonably in shape. Not more than a few kilos overweight.

           

          – Stable job that pays enough for him to pick up the tab for dinner most of the time and be financially independent. Own, nice-ish car.

           

          – Loving family.

           

          As for the other qualities (emotional, hobbies etc.) it’s a mixed bag, but South Africa is quite conservative so the men tend to be traditional. They’re happy for you to work, but they want a sweet gentle wife. This has been my experience (in the white community at least). I would describe myself as spoilt for choice in terms of attractiveness and financial stability. I haven’t found someone who quite fits me in other ways, but I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.

        5. Emily, the original

          Hi Clare,

          South Africa … I never would have guessed.

          As for the other qualities (emotional, hobbies etc.) it’s a mixed bag, but South Africa is quite conservative so the men tend to be traditional. They’re happy for you to work, but they want a sweet gentle wife.

          I’m not particularly conservative and I’d have to work on the sweet and gentle, but thanks for answering.   🙂

  5. 5
    Stacy2

    Ladies, if you want to know where men are forget meetups and salsa lessons. They are all in stinky sports bars watching the game and drinking beer. Assuming that’s the men you want, of course.

    1. 5.1
      FG

      Poking fun…

      That’s NOT because those guys like it the stinky sports bars. It’s because they have figured out such places were safe-havens where you will not pursue them, Stacy.  🙂

  6. 6
    Stacy2

    Susan:

    I feel that any events whose sole purpose is to set people up (whether it is a mixer or a hiking tour it doesn’t matter, we all know what is going on here..) are bound to fail and for that reason personally I never bothered with them. Desirable men don’t go to those events because they don’t have to. That’s the bottomline. If you want to know where men are, ask a few of your platonic friends (who are representative of the cohort you want to date) what they do in their spare time. In my area and my age group the answers are:

    1. Go to sports bar

    2. Playing all sorts of sports: triathlons, tennis, golf, basketball, beach volleyball, soccer etc.

    3. Going to happy hour with friends

    4. Going to trips with friends (music festivals and other events that involve drinking, skiing, sailing trips)

    5. Bbq-ing with friends

    6. Weddings

    7. Having dinner alone at a bar

    8. Going to the gym

    9. Sitting at home watching the paint dry

    I find that most people stop going to clubs once they hit mid-30-ies – on a regular basis anyway, though they may go on occasion. But this is pretty much it. I doubt that the list would be much different for men in SoCal. If anything, it is probably more outdoorsy.

    Missing from this list would be concerts, museums, swanky lounges with girly mixed drinks, book signings, dance lessons, wine tastings and all other stuff where women go to meet men only to sit around with their g/fs.

    1. 6.1
      Stacy2

      To add to that, other place to meet men are:

      -Airport lounges (you can buy membership or some credit cards have it as a benefit)

      – Sporting events (the better the section the more eligible the crowd. best ones will be in corporate suites so make friends with a sales person at a large firm and have them invite you).

      – Professional conferences, trade shows, mostly the ones geared towards male-dominated fields such as real estate, finance and STEM fields (obviously skip everything fashion-related).

      – Art shows (i.e. Art Basel) attract somewhat eligible crowd but it is going to be heavily skewed towards artistic type which is not everybody’s cup of tea.

      – Private by-invitation only parties that large firms hold for their clients and/or shareholders

      Yes most men out there will be married. After the age of 30 it is a given. You have to learn to scan the room for the (absence of) wedding rings quickly and then focus on the men who are eligible and learn to qualify them in a conversation real fast. If you are doing IRL thing. Just saying. I do a lot of networking/prospecting in addition to client relationships management professionally so I have a good sense of who goes to where and speak from experience.

      1. 6.1.1
        Selena

        @Stacy2

         

        Enjoyed reading your lists and agree with them.  Whilst many men over 30 are married, in any decade there are many who are not. Sports, sports themed places, attract more men than book clubs, and ceramic classes. 🙂

         

        Adding possibilities to your list: golf/tennis/pool/racquetball/running clubs. Having a clubhouse where people can meet up for a drink/dinner/dance- bonus.

        Home Depot/ Lowes.  Be great if those home repair stores had a little sports bar on the side!

        Telling everyone you know you are open to meeting someone new. That’s how you get invited to the bbq’s and informal open houses. And can reciprocate by hosting your own.

        1. S.

          One thing about sports: what if you really don’t care for sports?  I’d rather meet someone in a recreational activity we both really enjoy.  So we can share that interest.

          That said, I did go to a baseball game on Tuesday with a date, but we have other things in common.  He’ll probably go to more this season but I won’t necessarily.

          I don’t mind once in a while but I find sports/gym folks are pretty serious about the time they devote to that and I always figured they’d be more compatible with someone who also had a passion for that and could do thta with them.

        2. Selena

          @S : “One thing about sports: what if you really don’t care for sports?  I’d rather meet someone in a recreational activity we both really enjoy.  So we can share that interest.”

           

          I get this. I was thinking along the lines of men simply wanting to get out of their house and be in a social situation where they can talk to other people- male or female. A sports bar, or golf course, beach, pool, country club bar/restaurant may be more appealing than an upscale wine bar for that.

          “Where the boys are….” 🙂

      2. 6.1.2
        S.

        @Selena

        I find that where I meet men is usually indicative of what they like to do.  Even the first date is really indicative.  And I’m saying this about men I end up dating for some time and know for a few years.

        One guy took me a took me to a movie on the first date.  He was late.  I dated him nine months.   He loved movies!  (And was usually late.)  Movies were a major thing we did and he wanted to do.  I like movies and we saw some excellent ones.  But I got bored with that after a time.

        I met another guy at a music event.  Late after his performance since he was a musician.  Turns out we went to a lot of musical events and he was often available late after some of his jobs.

        Yes, it’s an anecdotal report of two (there are more but I digress).  So I’m leery of the sports places. ‘Cause while I like music and movies okay, I really don’t like sports. The men there probably really like sports or they ‘d be hanging somewhere else.

    2. 6.2
      ScottH

      How about:

      -hanging out at the country club

      -hanging out at high end clothing stores like Barneys and look for an eligible victim (oops, I mean guy) who’s in need of some female assistance deciding between two HSM suits.  Maybe he’ll buy both.

      -hang out at the stockbroker’s office where all the rich guys go

      -upscale charity events (I just saw Playing It Cool-  good movie on netflix)

      -I do like meetups but I’m a guy and apparently we have some advantage.  I’ve dated several women I’ve met at meetups.  You have to pick the right group.  I recently started going to a wine tasting group and the events cost $40+ so that weeds out a certain demographic and is full of high value targets.

      And I’m on 4 online sites too.  Spread that net as far and wide as possible.  I meet, on average, a woman every week.  Happy hunting.

      1. 6.2.1
        Stacy2

        Scott:

        Other than the fact that you need to jump through a lot of hoops and pay a ton of money to join a country club, wouldn’t 100% of men there be married with their wives? I don’t know, I live in a city and never been to one.

        Charity events I go to (not with the goal to meet men but when my firm buys a table) and from my experience the absolute majority of people show up with a date.

        I hope you’re joking about clothing stores and offices 🙂

         

        1. Sum Guy

          @Stacy2

          “I hope you’re joking about clothing stores and offices”

          Not sure if he is but the clothing store would work on me.  You need to understand though you are going to be the hunter here and have to hit on him…or do something that makes him think you are interested.

          If I’m trying on shirts (get my suits tailored so maybe not a best place; yet of course there has got to be some great flirting lines if you are catching an in-sema measurement) and I think you’re giving me that interested look, I’ll ask you which one you like best…if you want to flirt you say you have to see me in them, or strike up a conversation.  Then I can easily ask you out for a drink to thank you.

          Groceries stores, high end ones not Walmart, with a nice atmosphere are good places too if you are looking for a man who likes to cook.  Ask me about some produce, get a conversation going.  It’s harder here for a guy to ask you out since he may not be sure you are flirting or just asking.  Instead ask if you can buy him a coffee or drink to thank him.

          These are places where it may take time to find the right guy but good places to make that approach without competition.

          Now stockbroker/financial advisor, not the space I’m looking to get hit on or being receptive unless you come up to me say you did well and ask if I’m interested in jetting to Iceland for quick spa (on you of course).  🙂

  7. 7
    Marika

    Really? What’s going on in America? My population is tiny compared to yours and I don’t feel that there is a complete lack of single men in their 30s and 40s. Clubs certainly aren’t full of them, but they definitely attend Meetups (granted in fewer numbers than women), bars, and are online in huge numbers.

    They definitely aren’t all married either, as our divorce rate is close to yours. So a lot of guys I meet were married, but aren’t anymore. Which is fine with me, and describes me too.

    I admit I go out a lot, several times a week. If you go to a meetup once a month, you can’t expect to meet a lot of men. Also it’s very temperate weather, so people venture out a lot.

    It’s either that, or I think maybe perception is becoming reality…

    1. 7.1
      Katie

      Total population of the country is irrelevant. Population density in the region you are living is what’s important. Unless you live in the Vatican City or something crazy small, a small country doesn’t mean worse dating prospects. Italy is quite small, but population density makes for an easier dating pool than many places in the U.S.

      1. 7.1.1
        Emily, the original

        Population density in the region you are living is what’s important.

        Yes, but  it’s also what kinds of men live there. If you are 25 but the population skews toward retirement age, that won’t work for you. If you move to the Silicon Valley area where the percentage of men is higher than woman but you don’t like engineer/computer types, you may not find what you are looking for.

  8. 8
    Marika

    I guess I just don’t understand why focusing on where men aren’t, how hard it is for you, or listening to a podcast and then poo-pooing the ideas given, is useful.

    I’m not complaining about the size of my country or its dating prospects. I’m saying that in a country of 300 million people with a high divorce rate, I find it hard to believe that ‘all the good men’ in their 30s and 40s are married or hiding.

    And if they are, why visit a blog or listen to a podcast? It won’t be much help.

    1. 8.1
      Emily, the original

      I’m not complaining about the size of my country or its dating prospects. I’m saying that in a country of 300 million people with a high divorce rate, I find it hard to believe that ‘all the good men’ in their 30s and 40s are married or hiding.

      Then why aren’t u married?

      1. 8.1.1
        Marika

        I date a lot, I just haven’t found the right person yet. I’m not going to rush into another marriage.

        If you don’t like Rori’s advice, don’t use it. But that doesn’t make it bad advice.

        Rori gave lots of suggestions, as did Stacy2. Try some of them consistently and I’m sure dateable men will appear. Or complain. Up to you.

        1. Emily, the original

          If you don’t like Rori’s advice, don’t use it. But that doesn’t make it bad advice.

          Actually, if you read my comments, I liked a lot of her advice. I simply wrote that there weren’t any eligible men in my age range in the handful of meetups I’ve tried. I’m actually moving in 10 weeks about 4 hours away to a much bigger city. I am done putting any effort where I currently am. I’m not so much complaining as stating that you have to be strategic in figuring out a.) what kind of men you like and b.) where those kinds of single men are. It does become more difficult the older you get.

  9. 9
    Marika

    I’m not specifically talking only to you Emily. There’s just far too much complaining on this blog, IMO. Reading / listening to advice only to critique it. Maybe meetup isn’t the problem, rather that you’ve only tried a handful of meetups once or twice? For instance.

    Hope the move goes well and you have better luck in the new town.

    1. 9.1
      Emily, the original

      Marika,

      There’s just far too much complaining on this blog, IMO.

      I agree. If you want anything in life, you have to get off your butt and make it happen. I think a lot of people feel a deep ambivalence about dating. I admit to being one of them!

      Hope the move goes well and you have better luck in the new town.

      Thanks. I’m actually moving to go back to school for a semester. Then it’s more than likely on to somewhere else when I get a new job. But I do need a change of scenery.

       

      1. 9.1.1
        Henriette

        People who are delighted by the dating scene and their place in it don’t usually read and comment on dating blogs.  And many of us are getting off our butts and making things happen… but also appreciate a place to vent, too.

        I think of Sparkling Emerald (who was so disappointed by her romantic landscape that she changed her sobriquette here, for a while, to “Faded Jade”) who used to write with great sadness ~ some might say she used to complain ~ but also continued to date online, where she met a lovely guy who has recently become her third husband.  In other words, sometimes airing one’s sadness and worries in a safe place can allow one to better get out in the world and work towards happiness.   Please don’t knock the whiners! 😉

        1. Emily, the original

          who used to write with great sadness ~ some might say she used to complain ~ but also continued to date online, where she met a lovely guy who has recently become her third husband.

          Exactly. Nothing wrong with venting, but there are an awful lot of people who vent and don’t do anything to change their circumstances. She continued to date. She didn’t give up. Dating is like looking for a job. You wouldn’t send out 2 resumes and then say, “Well, that didn’t work out, so I’m done.” You’d look at different job sites, try to network, target specific companies and, yes, get resume and cover letter advice. You’d keep pushing on until you had the results you wanted. The alternative is to stay at a job you hate with a boss or company that doesn’t appreciate you.

        2. Marika

          I think you missed my point Henriette. A place of support and advice is great. Comments like ‘is she kidding, meetup is crap, bushwalking is dumb, there are 5 men for every 70 women, all the 40 something men are in hiding’ (I’m paraphrasing)..are both entirely unhelpful and untrue. And if that’s how you think, who or what can help? Advice is of no use if you don’t take it.

          I think when people come on here to give free advice, there’s no need to rubbish it. Either try it or don’t.

          Commenters like Adrian, who was a helpful and moderate male commenter, appears to have now left, due to how negative and bitter it gets here at times. I understand that feeling.

          I’m just saying, try to say what you need to bearing in mind how it comes across to other readers.

  10. 10
    John

    Hi Marika

    Your picking up on the American mantra which states, “there aren’t any good guys left.” It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If a woman believes all the good guys or good 40 year old guys are taken, then the good men all around them become invisible.

    It becomes a defensive posture that seeks to prove the belief that good men are hard to find. I know many professional guys struggling to get past the first date.

    Dating is a challenge in the USA. When I’ve dated overseas, I have had a much better experience. More pleasant and less hostile.

     

  11. 11
    Starla

    Some meetups are not that bad…I went to one that was investment related and could have met a number of men there – the ratio had to be 80/20.  Toastmasters has very even numbers, and the attendees are intelligent, into self improvement, etc.  Many are married, but you never know who you might meet through some one else, and you will learn great skills through Toastmasters.  I met a lot of nice people at hiking meetups, and while it was skewed toward women, it was more 60/40 in my area.  With all of these activities, I figured I was improving myself, and if I didn’t meet anyone…I was fitter, more social and smarter than I was before!

    I met my guy on online, but learned later that he would attend concerts on weeknights alone.  I’ve gone with him many times on weeknights now, and the number of men is high…and some are by themselves or with one friend.  Small venues are best.  A lot of guys are there strictly for the music and not for drinking.   I’ve also gone to record fairs with him and the number of men is astounding.  You could easily strike up a conversation at one of these events.

    Cars shows, air shows, boat shows…guys galore.   Whiskey, scotch, beer tastings…guys.  We have leagues in my city that are fun in the winter…skee ball and pin ball.  Plenty of guys.

    I am here to tell you they are out there…I am 51 and my wonderful boyfriend is 50.  Many of my friends who divorced in their 40s are happily paired in their 50s to good men who are their peers, and they met them a number of ways.

     

  12. 12
    Sum Guy

    IF you don’t mind a guy with some “geek” interests, Meetups around those would be a goldmine.  One friend, 45, very, very successful executive level type, brilliant, buff, humerous, incredible social skills and charm, etc., total comic book collector.  Completely opposite in appearance and social skills from every stereotype you ever heard about comic book geeks.  Guys like him are uncommon but not as rare as you think.  Know a couple good looking 40 something surgeons, complete board war game players/nerds.

    Like sports bars and clubs, you are going to get some real losers who may be douche bags, but they are much easier to shoot down or avoid and if there is good man there, he’ll keep the douche bags in line.  But you may find these kinds of Meetups are much more friendly than you think.

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