Am I Foolish For Waiting For A Non-Committal Man To Commit?

So I’ve been dating this guy for about 6 months now (I’m 26 and he’s 28). We go out about once a week. We have a lot of fun together and definitely seem to click. Sometimes I feel like he’s letting me in – like when he introduced me to his mom when she was in town. Other times he shuts me out – no contact for a day or two cause he’s busy with work, or he’ll tell me about parties he goes to but rarely invites me along. He admits to compartmentalizing his life.

Since I know how much he values his independence and tends to shy away from change, I hadn’t brought up the “state of affairs” talk in the past…hoping things would evolve naturally on their own. I also know he likes to move slowly but I guess I hit my limit this weekend and told him how I’ve been feeling. I said I would like to get closer and know where he sees this going. He told me that he’s not emotionally in a place in his life for a serious relationship (due to ex baggage, etc), but he really cares for me and would like to keep seeing me. He admitted that he didn’t know where he’d be in the future, but right now, this is all he has to give. He said he knows I deserve to have what I want and that I had a right to walk away but he doesn’t want me to.

I really do care about him and he’s the first guy in a long time I can see myself with…if he actually let me in, that is. I don’t want to lose him but I’m not sure that I can be satisfied having a superficial relationship with him. I don’t have to be his girlfriend right now but I at least want to know that we’re progressing and the possibility is there rather than just heading blindly for a dead end that will leave me even more hurt. Is it silly to hold on to this and hope that one day his feeling will be strong enough change his mind or am I just setting myself up for heartbreak?

Jill

Dear Jill,

A healthy relationship with an emotionally unavailable man is like a threesome with Brad Pitt and George Clooney. Only in your dreams.

It kills me to hear sweet women like you holding onto a prayer like this. And yet this is the most popular question I get. Click your heels three times if you’ve heard this before.

“I’ve been dating this guy for (X Months) now and I like him more than anyone I’ve met in a long time. I see him (Y times) a week and while he tells me he cares about me and ultimately wants to settle down, he also makes it very clear that he’s not in a good place right now. I believe him and really want to make this work but I’m not sure I can take it anymore because I want a future with him. The uncertainty is killing me. Can I get him to commit or should I get out now?”

You already know what I’m gonna tell you, Jill, but I’ll stretch it out to make you see my point of view yourself. Here we go – based solely on what you wrote in your email.

Dating for 6 months. Seeing each other once a week. Is this guy a boyfriend? Or just a guy you sleep with once a week. A boyfriend is committed to you. He calls you every day. He buys you things because he’s thinking of you. He wants to see you during most of his spare time. Ask yourself if this guy passes those boyfriend tests.

Shuts me out. No contact for a day. Not invited to parties. Not very boyfriend like. You know how I can tell?… I’ve BEEN that guy. I’ve dated people who I liked but didn’t want to lose, but went out to parties seeing if I could trade up. And as long as he can keep you around without committing to you, who can blame him?

Likes to move slowly. Values his independence. Shies from change. Looks like you should be doing PR for him, because you’ve bought all of his bullshit excuses, hook, line and sinker.

Told me he’s not emotionally in a place for a relationship – Um, and what was it you said you wanted? That’s right. A relationship.

Said I deserved to have what I wanted and had a right to walk away – Hey! The first thing he’s gotten right.

So listen to this man of integrity and take his sage advice.

Walk away and don’t look back.

If he follows, you’ll know you’ll have yourself a boyfriend who values you and will follow you to the end of the earth. That is what you deserve.

If he doesn’t, then he’s not all that serious about keeping you in his life, is he?

16
10

Join 5 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (84 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 1
    Caroline

    Hi Evan,

    I just wanted to say how much I love your site and all the great advice you give. You’re really able to give the necessary “tough love”, but not at all in a mean or condescending way. Keep up the great work!

    Caroline

    PS Loved your book!

  2. 2
    My LA Story

    So, why does he introduce her to his mom? Why is he doing some of the things that suggest forward motion?

    And yes, I am asking for me! :)

    1. 2.1
      The Gullible Me

      This is the first time I`m doing this online. I guess I snapped! So please listen to me. Her story is basically same as mine only that we hang out I can say almost everyday. I know how it feels and I know how cowardly I still am now.. I walked away but the problem we worked in the same office and stayed friends without benefits. And now I am watching him do the same thing to his new pet! Trust me you deserve better. get an answer from him. Make him choose! you deserve that much. Even my first boyfriend introduced me to his family. And yet it turns out when I met him he already have 3 girl friends whom he introduced to his family as well. I don`t know what to believe about guys anymore … sorry .. I am at my weakest point ..

  3. 3
    Josiane

    Excellent response, you are right on.
    Love your site and all your work- especially from a male perspective.

  4. 4
    Bev

    I think Ive dated your boyfriend before.

  5. 5
    BeenThruTheWars

    LA Story: He introduces her to his mom and occasionally throws her a bone that suggests forward motion because he instinctively understands the value of “intermittent positive reinforcement.” Read your B.F. Skinner. Guys like this know they stand a much better chance of getting the “good for now” girl to stick around so they don’t get lonely while looking for their dreamgirl if they give “GFN” a tiny glimmer of hope to cling to when they sense she’s starting to waver. Standard Operating Procedure among men who are ambivalent for whatever reason. This explains the phenomenon of noncommittal men who limp along in a relationship with some very frustrated woman for five years, then six months after he finally dumps her he suddenly marries some new Ms. Right he’s just met.

    Here’s a handy glossary that will help women decide, “Do I stay or go?” Just add the words “to me” or “with me” or “about me” to the following all-too-common bon mots:

    He told me that hes not emotionally in a place in his life for a serious relationship… WITH ME.

    He admitted that he didnt know where hed be in the future, but right now, this is all he has to give… TO ME.

    He said he’s not ready to get married/make a commitment… TO ME.

    He’s got too much going on in his life right now to spend more than one night a week… WITH ME.

    He’s not sure how he feels… ABOUT ME.

    He needs some space… FROM ME.

    Yes, it hurts to realize this… but it will hurt a lot less and be a lot easier to get over than if she hangs on for another six months praying for a few more crumbs from this particular guy’s banquet table.

  6. 6
    stella

    It’s so hard to just walk-out from a relationship even if it isn’t. So if this situation happens to me, I’d still go on with the so called relationship but this time I will be looking around, opening my doors & windows if need be, not taking things seriously(with the present relationship). It’s like I’m slowly trying to adjust, accepting the fact that there never was a relationship.

    No matter what “method” one uses, accepting the truth no matter how much it hurts will give you rest. Guess there is no short cut either. One has to go through “the phase” of getting hurt, acceptance and next you’re free!

    1. 6.1
      maurine machugh

      Nope. Because  you deserve better, and you’re teaching yourself to accept less, if you stay, once you know it’s going nowhere. You’re better off taking that time to volunteer, learn to play a musical instrument, build up your  friendships – and look for someone emotionally available.

  7. 7
    Zann

    Thank you for the bad news, but it was exactly what I needed to hear & have reaffirmed. I’m in my 50′s, in the exact same situation as Jill, in love with a man who knows I am willing to commit to him, because I’ve flat out told him. While he’s “sorry” and would hate to lose me, he knows I need and even “deserve” better. Hey, what a concept. We see each other about once a week & am not included in the rest of his life. Of course, he’s a great & giving lover, but days go by with no word whatsoever from him…and — sorry — no one is THAT busy, no one. Understand that he has a wealth of excuses as to why he simply cannot commit to a serious, exclusive relationship with me. And many of those excuses sound very reasonable and, at my age, I keep telling myself I don’t need an exclusive relationship. Except that I do. So, what it comes down to is this: if he were to make the same commitment proposal to me, I would commit in a heartbeat. So why do I accept less from him? I know he’s going to let me walk and I know he won’t pursue me, and, yea, that’s sad and sucks and hurts. I know that having my integrity in tact doesn’t offer a lot of comfort in the late night hours when I’m badly craving his companionship, but I can confirm from experience that hanging in there in order to have those limited amounts of time with him (albeit they are great times) and accepting him on his terms while he refuses to accept me on mine, eventually just erodes my sense of self-worth. And having come this far in life and realizing the value of my self-worth & how critical it is for my healthy survival, I know the only answer is to continue my search for someone who meets my standard. My standards are reasonable, they are not wild and wacky. I already know I’m flexible and willing to compromise on many things. But when I do the honest math, and it comes down to his 25% to my 75%, then it’s time for me to leave him & his great excuses behind, for better or worse. And for the record, he does do little things that “suggest forward motion,” but suggestions are cheap & actions speak.

    1. 7.1
      Christine

      Wow Zana.  I was reading your post and I could have written myself.  From my age to everything you have and don’t have with this man.  Same for me.  For a moment I wondered if I made a post that I had forgotten about.  I know this man.  I would do anything for him and he knows it.  He also tells me he doesn’t want to lose me, but knows he is risking that.  I think it is beyond risk right now.    Maybe he will follow?  Maybe not?  But I know I have to stop this whole thing or I will end up being here for a very long time. 

  8. 8
    mrs. vee

    Comment #2: “So, why does he introduce her to his mom? Why is he doing some of the things that suggest forward motion?”

    I’d say it’s because, at the time, he felt like introducing her to his mom. Period. I know it’s hard to get the hang of thinking this way, but men really are less inferential than women. Like Evan’s said many times before, men aren’t thinking their actions suggest anything about their relationships. They mostly just go about their day expecting to be taken literally.

    I know it’s super-easy to be seduced by fantasies of longterm commitment just by the slightest encouragement. I know how physical intimacy creates a powerful illusion of togetherness. And I also know how painful the alternative reality can be if you confront the fact that his affections don’t mean more than what they are at the surface.

    Still, ladies, for the sake of your own happiness and self-esteem, please don’t compromise what you want MOST out of a relationship by telling yourself he’ll start being serious about you eventually. Don’t be “just okay” with what you’re getting out of spending time with a partner today. You deserve better than the vague possibility of “someday”.

    Perhaps most importantly, don’t believe you can hook him with sex. Sex is not a tool to catch him or keep him interested. It never works. Most men I know are less inclined to view a woman as longterm material if she’s giving it away without a commitment. I’m not advocating The Rules or any structured timeframe for when to put out. I’m just saying that you have a right to hold off on sex until you feel comfortable that his intentions for you are clear. Even if it means waiting until he spells out where you stand in no uncertain, legalese terminology, that is your prerogative if that’s what you need. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with asking for that.

    If you feel he pressures you to have sex with him, then ask yourself if a guy who cares about you would want to make you uncomfortable. If he makes you feel ashamed or impatient for wanting a full blown relationship first (e.g. “why can’t you just take it day by day?”), then you have your answer right there. No matter how he phrases his reasoning, anything less than a yes is a maybe.

    Rehearse calmly saying this line in your head: “I’m just waiting to make sure we share a common goal.” Then if you have to use it, don’t panic if he gets scared away. The insincere or not-ready ones will inevitably be freaked out. Let those fish swim away. If he really is into you, he’ll stick around and probabaly like you more for your personal integrity.

    Keep that in mind because you have to take responsibility for your choice to have sex. I’ve been that pissed off female who felt duped into having sex with a guy. I’ve been enticed by how conflicted and reluctant a guy seemed when he was basically saying he didn’t want to be my boyfriend. With all said and done, I’d be totally indignant towards him until I replayed the whole turn of events in my head and realized I was the one interpreting his actions as signs of a future together. In hindsight, he’d never made any promises. I really could have known. With all my numerous dating disappointments, I can’t attribute a single one to a man telling me a bald-faced lie. Men may be skilled evaders, good at alluding to promises they can’t keep, but very few of them are outright liars.

    Also (since I’m apparently on a rant ) the more physical you are with a man, the more you’ll like him. Our female natures make us feel emotionally attached to men we get intimate with. From an evolutionary perspective, sperm is cheap, while eggs are expensive. Men have millions spermatazoa in their arsenal at almost any given time, while we average about one egg a …month, is it? We’re basically pre-wired to invest emotionally in the act of sex. Despite the sexual revolution and the glamor of modern thinking, just be honest with yourself about what you really want.

    Well I guess I should end my stream of consciousness rant here. In a nutshell, it’s not that some guys don’t eventually come around; it’s just that there’s no causal relationship between anything you DO and whenever he becomes ready. So do yourselves a favor, and stop analyzing every little thing he says or does for clues to his feelings. Have faith that any guy you fall in love with would make his feelings for you very clear.

  9. 9
    My LA Story

    BeenThru: Ouch — shit — oh, well. I’ve printed this out and circed to all my friends. :/ THanks!

  10. 10
    Cindy

    Wow…this was a big wake up call for me!! I am/WAS just starting to date a man who is “afraid” of getting hurt and doesn’t have a lot of time for me and wants to go very slow. Thank you for the GREAT advice because it honestly has saved me a big heartache and months of wasting my time on someone that has issues. And yes, us sweet, good girls deserve better!!! I love this site….thank you for sharing your wise thoughts!! It will always amaze me on how when you are involved emotionally, the smart part of your brain is off in la la land!!! =)

  11. 11
    Michelle

    Someday my prince will come…meanwhile my knight keeps me company, not as often as I like…but there’s more knights at the round table where he came from, trust me.
    I’m now gonna make it my goal not to play favorites w/my knights. Yes this is where my broken hearted player frustration has lead me.
    I’m 5 yrs. behind you Zann and feel your pain to my core. Mr.Unavailable heart throb has fed me every single one of those lines you listed plus all the other ones on this whole entire page….believe me he has it down!
    However, after being alone after almost 7yrs. since my husband passed away, and raising my children alone, I’m am tired of deluding my self and holding out for my prince charming to finally arrive.
    A stray knight here or there is needed to fill the void, only often they can be painful reminders of what is missing and leave us wanting.
    Sometimes having more than one around is necessary to compensate for the lack of attention by Mr.Unavailable. If they wish to play, then so can we, as long as everybody is on the same page. I apologize to anyone who might find this repulsive…but the alternative is to stay old and lonely! I’ve had enough!

  12. 12
    sheseizereason

    If you’re considering Evan’s sound advice to walk away, but are really just hoping your man comes running after you, take heed. They often do, but for the wrong selfish reasons.

    If shows up again, the following actions do NOT mean he’s committing:

    a) he lets a week go by before calling to just say “What are you up to tonight? Can you come over?”

    b) he shoots you a funny e-mail or one-liner text message out of the blue

    c) he suggests the two of you just “hang out”

    d) you bump into him and he tells you how pretty you look

    e) he says he misses your laugh/cooking/backrubs/

    f) he says he’s sorry for the way things turned out (but doesn’t say he’s willing do it any differently)

    None of this confirms that he actually wants to be your boyfriend. He just wants you to go back to the way things were, when he kept you with little effort on his part. What guy wouldn’t miss a woman mooning over him? It made him feel desirable. If you left, he probably believes he lost his mojo and he’s after you again to prove to himself he’s still got “it”.

    If this guy strung you along by dropping a just a few bits of encouragement your way once in awhile, you’re particularly susceptible to one of his feeble attempts to reel you back into the situation you left behind. So just be cautious if he appears again.

    You made a big decision to walk away from the relationship. If he wants to be back in your life, he needs to treat his return as a significant gesture too. He needs to VERBALIZE that he cares, that he wants to be monogamous, that he wants to work at it, and that he wants to integrate your lives together. Otherwise you’re just punkin’ yourself all over again.

  13. 13
    Zann

    Every single thing I’ve read here has been helpful and well-put. I do want to add one more thing in response to what Michelle wrote & what is sort of the personal code I live by now. I was married for 20 years and remained loyal to my husband all those years, and it wasn’t because I never had the opportunity. I worked full time throughout my entire marriage while raising two kids, and for the majority of that time was the major breadwinner — the one with health insurance. My husband strayed at least once in our marriage but I stayed with him out of sheer fear of being alone and busting up our family. At the 20 year point, he decided he needed to “find himself” & we divorced. Since then I’ve been in several relationships of various lengths & depths. I watch and listen to the experiences of my single women peers and their struggle through the quest for a permanent relationship with The One decent man. But some of them harbor the same moral code that was drilled into our heads in high school: If you put out, then don’t expect the guy to respect you. Or, put another way, if you hold out, he’ll respect you and eventually see you have value as a person and have a lightbulb appear over his head & realize you are a woman “worth waiting for.” Well, I don’t know about you, but in my world, that’s proven to be magical thinking. My view, at my age, is that relating sex between consenting mature adults to morals is just flat out wrong. As I tell my friends, it is not possible for me to be a slut. I declare myself slut-proof. Now, if you want to call me one, it’s fine with me, but make sure you note that I’m an Ethical Slut. I have self-respect and I respect others. If I want to have skin-to-skin with a man, I will. And I won’t assume he loves me or that it has much of anything to do with love. I’m sure there are a few men of character out there who might want me to restrict my sexual contact to them exclusively. But, as of this date, I have not met him. I take responsibility for my sexual life just like I do for all other aspects of my life. No one supports me financially, I’m under my own roof, always. If I want to have sex with a man I’m attracted to for no other reason than that I want some frickin’ human sexual contact, I will. It’s nobody’s business but my own. I keep myself informed and practice safe, responsible sex with the understanding that there is no method of sex which is 100% safe other than no sex at all. Yes, the time in our culture has come where I am conducting myself like a man in this regard. Sex means sex and nothing more until it IS something more & I’ll know that because we will make it mutually clear to each other. And for now this works for me. But if I grow close to a man (and I agree that more physical contact does increase feelings of intimacy for me, but not necessarily for him) and I realize that what we have is restricted to a casual sexual relationship & that it’s not going to proceed beyond that, then I make a conscious decision regarding whether I want to continue a sexual relationship. I know weight the consequences, the risks, and make an informed decision. If I choose to “hang in there,” it’s with my eyes wide open and it’s for my sexual pleasure and the in-the-moment, day-at-a-time pleasure it brings me. But I don’t stop looking elsewhere for the relationship I ultimately want and deserve. The men I’m intimate with always know what page we’re on, and the majority of them are a-okay with that. This came as a surprise to me at first, but the truth is most men my age do not have qualms about non-monogamy, at least not with me & not with many of the other single women I know. But I’ve tried both ways. Being alone and waiting through long dry spells, having spelled out my bottom line and having man after man bow out when it’s revealed that I want more…OR having a couple of men friends with whom I am also sexually intimate. I understand fully that they are not my “men,” we are not a couple. I understand that it isn’t Love. I may have loving feelings about them, but that’s my business and my pleasure, actually. What they feel is up to them. I’ve learned so much about myself and how I contributed in every relationship I’ve been in, including not getting my needs met and “settling” for disrespectful behavior. And I try very hard not to repeat those old patterns. I’m a healthy, independent, attractive woman with a lot to give, and as one woman I know put it, “It’s not my fault the men I meet don’t see my value.” Exactly. I know women who sit around & whine that they have no man and haven’t had sexual contact with a man for years, and yet they make no effort whatsoever to go on line or do anything whatsoever to meet men. If they were happy in their solitude, I’d be happy for them. In fact, I would applaud them. But they’re miserable and I’m not very patient with them anymore. but I’m too proactive to allow myself to passively sit by and have no male contact. I’m still alive and kicking, and I am a sexual being. I like male attention, even if it’s “just casual.” I’m not seeking a Prince, just a good, honest, humorous, energetic man to whom I feel attraction. I don’t need completion, I simply crave and enjoy adult intimacy. So, to Michelle I say (excuse the cliche): “You. Just. Go. Girl.” We’re grownups now and we’ve all paid our dues. We answer only to ourselves, and if we want to put out, we should. If we don’t, we won’t. The rest is nobody’s business. Thank you for this venue to air what I so badly have been needing to say.

    1. 13.1
      Ciara O Reilly

      Absolutely on the nail…well said. I bet your dream man comes galloping along – I love your attitude.  As you say, we are not victims of someone elses behaviour in a relationship. .we particate in the dynamic too. 

  14. 14
    Michelle

    WOW! Zann My hat is off to you woman… you said it all and then some!!!
    It’s just sad we women feel we have to give ourselves permission to have what we need or want. Or that we have to defend ourselves and our motives in this manner, (especially to other women;usually the ones who choose to stay miserable).
    I choose to be responsible for my own happiness. I will not judge anyone’s misery as long as they keep their nose out of my happiness!
    I’m copying and saving what you wrote Zann-Thanks! Have a blessed life!!

  15. 15
    BeenThruTheWars

    For me, sleeping with a man who hadn’t made a commitment to me AT LEAST at the level of asking me to be his exclusive, monogamous girlfriend always, always, always led to my getting hurt — sometimes devastated. See, there are these pesky hormones that start messing with me big time once I start getting addicted to someone’s skin. In order to hold onto a guy who was noncommittal even in the face of this wonderful gift I’d given him, I found myself saying and doing and being things I NEVER would have said/done/been if I’d kept my sanity, which for me is impossible in the face of oxytocin and other various and sundry emotional superglues.

    That’s why this last time I was a free agent (2003-2004), I tried a different approach since the old one had only led to misery and disillusionment. I took John Gray’s advice and “dated around without sleeping around.” I made the acquaintance of Mr. Vibrator, vowed not to accept crumbs from ANYONE this time around, and got out there on the scene even when I didn’t feel like it, because finding a committed relationship was a priority to me. After being divorced for ten years, I wasn’t kidding around this time! Until I heard the words, “Will you be my girlfriend, I love you, I want to make a commitment to you” from the man I’m now married to, we didn’t do anything beyond kissing. Yes, I’m in my forties, and no, I’m not kidding, and boy oh boy, do I recommend this approach to anyone who’s sick and tired of getting her heart ripped out on a regular basis. Hey, if it doesn’t work, you can always go back to the old way… right?

  16. 16
    mrs. vee

    Thankfully gone are the days of Hester Prynne and her scarlet A. I think it’s a wonderful thing that the sexual revolution took place so that women today have a choice to have sex when they want and with whom. They also must accept the responsibilities of that freedom.

    Zann and Michelle sound like two strong, self-aware women who have made the conscious decision to have casual sex. I couldn’t possibly judge them, having enjoyed my share of bananas from the fruit basket myself before settling down with my sweetie. As they both pointed out, it’s really important to avoid confusing sexual contact with a bona fide relationship.

    Zann and Michelle represent one perfectly reasonable option for us girls. Sex is a pleasure not just reserved for those in chaste relationships.

    Still, we women do have an automatic emotional response to the stimulus of “doing it”. It takes a lot of inner strength to cope with the feelings that arise from the act. I found it took a lot of work to keep my feelings after just-for-fun sex in perspective.

    I worry mostly for the ones who use the language of sexual liberation (“I’m just having fun”/”if men can do it, why can’t we?”) to either a) mask their motives of securing a longterm commitment from their sexual partner or b) suppress any emotional hollowness or pain may result from casual encounters.

    Casual sex has complex psychological repercussions (I speak from personal experience). I just hope that by talking about it, women realize it shouldn’t be entered into lightly.

    And to bring this topic back to full circle, if one is involved with a man who won’t commit, aren’t 99% of these relationships essentially casually sexual ones?

  17. 18
    redheadfromtdot

    I’m not sure if I buy those “boyfriend tests”. I don’t need my (hypothetical) boyfriend to call every day. I’m happy with every 2-3 because I like MY independence. Yes, I compartmentalize. In fact, I’ve been the girl and the guy in that scenario (I’m female).

    That said, I suspect that the guy I’ve been seeing for the last month – not at the boyfriend stage yet- is going to “break up” with me later (or maybe he just wants to see me during our mutual spare time between other plans) and that “boyfriend test” point makes me think. I can’t decide if it’s intuition or paranoia based on experience. The guy apologizes for not calling me “in awhile” when I haven’t heard from him in two days, but in those two days I haven’t called him either. That’s another point: Why does the guy have to call daily?

    Enough about me. Back to Jill: 6 months is long enough! As the saying goes, shit or get off the toilet.

    Here’s a question that I’m asking for myself and Jill: Is there a magic period of time that must pass before it becomes a relationship? I don’t think so because I think that people should do things on their own time, when comfortable, but I’ve heard six weeks of dating is good before it becomes a relationship. I also want to think that the best time to bring up relationship status is when it feels right but at the same time, when is too soon? You don’t want to bring it up in the first couple of weeks, but is there an accepted time frame?

    Some people are lucky to mutually fall in love immediately and just know. It would be so much easier.

  18. 19
    Dreamer

    Great column, to the point and written with kindess; and amazing responses. I am learning a lot, thank you.

  19. 20
    Cindy

    Hi there….I had commented earlier stating that this article was a big wake up call for me. Shortly after reading it I let my “scared of getting hurt” guy know that I’m moving on because I deserve someone who does want more than just sex and who has time to call/see me often and get to know me and who is open for a committed relationship. A week later he was calling because he missed me and we have been together ever since!! Don’t let your attraction or feelings for a man change what you want for YOU!! Don’t settle. Hold on to the respect you have for yourself and what you want; eventually it will be there for you!! Good luck ladies!!!

  20. 21
    Linda

    I am so disheartened by what I have read here — please say it isn’t so! I am a widow of 2 1/2 years, after 24 years of my husband; I have been dating a 54 yr old man who has NEVER been married, is a commitment phobic guy, and I love him to pieces. He calls me everyday, we get together on weekends, and an occasional lunch during the week; we’ve done all holidays for over a year together, with him mother, father, family etc.. We have traveled together to Alaska 2 times, and to various other places; we make plans for the upcoming holidays, the next vacation, and the like. My problem is, he won’t say the words I NEED to hear (I love you), and he won’t talk about it. I believe he does love me, he does kind things for me, and his actions all seem good, except..where are the words, and why doesn’t he ask me to marry him? His excuses for not marrying; (besides the obvious smoke) are, fear of failure, and he’s never seen a marriage work. Of course my question to him was, ‘don’t you feel like a failure for NOT having been married and having kids?’ And his reply is ‘yes’.

    I am 49; we have a physical relationship, and do not practice ANY birth control, neither having a problem if the unlikely were to occur.

    I can’t bear the thought of losing this man that I love so much. I don’t believe I could handle another loss. The death of my husband was devastating, and I am surprised to have such feeling for this man.

    Comments?

  21. 22
    Jenny

    Linda,
    I do not know you at all, but might I point out the obvious. You are trying to fill a vold in yourself with a man you know does not want any committment from you which translated is: he wont EVER fill your ‘soul cup’ ONLY YOU CAN. You need to focus on loving yourself, accepting yourself, and stepping back from it all and taking vows to get to know yourself now after all these years; becuase part of you was your marriage – and now you need to know and develop yourself – not blind yourself and neglect yourself with someone who will contribute to your neglect of your soul.

  22. 23
    Jenny

    Linda,
    I do not know you at all, but might I point out the obvious. You are trying to fill a vold in yourself with a man you know does not want any committment from you which translated is: he wont EVER fill your ‘soul cup’ ONLY YOU CAN. You need to focus on loving yourself, accepting yourself, and stepping back from it all and taking vows to get to know yourself now after all these years; becuase part of you was your marriage – and now you need to know and develop yourself – not blind yourself and neglect yourself with someone who will contribute to your not fullfilling your true happiness which is from within.

  23. 24
    Anisa

    Linda,
    I don’t know you, but I like very much to comment on your post.
    It seems to me you have found yourself a loving, committed partner.
    I have heard the most beautiful words in the past, coming from my ex-”boyfriend”. I longed so very hard and long for the deeds, for the actions to come along with the words. I wished I had the chance to make plans with him, go on holidays with him, meet his family. It never came, it never happened. It was a worthless “relationship”.
    Actions are so much more valueble than words, they are a real treasure, even more than a wedding to me. If you FEEL that he loves you, than he does, believe me. In my opinion there is nothing else to wish for in a relationship.
    Enjoy every single action and enjoy your lovelife. Don’t spoil it focussing on the one thing you (think you) mis. I am almost sure you have found Mr. Right. And personally I can imagine his aversion with weddings. I have the same, while I am a very committed person. I was married once. And neither have I seen a marriage work. He is as afraid to get married as you are afraid to surrender to your happiness.
    Please! Don’t be afraid. Just be 100 % happy and enjoy. You deserve it.

  24. 25
    Anisa

    To mrs. vee

    I don’t think 99% of those realtionships are casual. They are only that in the intention and experience of the men. The intentions of the most women is otherwise.

  25. 26
    Kevin

    I think you could try to get pregnant or fake a pregnancy to see if he’s willing to stick around. Most guys won’t settle down until they are ready to have babies, if ever. I’m surprised that most women are marriage obsessed, but I think its somewhat due to financial concerns and also to have a guy to protect them either with smarts or body.

  26. 27
    Zann

    Kevin –

    TELL me you’re joking. Please. If not, dude!, what rock did you just crawl out from under? Get pregnant — or fake it — to see if he’s willing to commit? Women obsessed with marriage for the financial or physical “protection” it provides? Somebody rescue this man from his oblivion.

  27. 28
    Joe

    If a guy finds out that you faked a pregnancy, he’s so outta there.

  28. 29
    Lonnie

    Wow, I just went through this last week! It’s like you were telling my story. He said all the things you mentioned. I feel like a fool, like I’ve been deceived, but that’s life, and he’s not entirely to blame because I did go into it with my eyes wide open. It baffles me that he ran away and I feel like I’m left hurting alone. That’s life! Luckily the sun always come out after the storm!

  29. 30
    starthrower68

    It is very difficult to stay objective when we are so close to the situation. I don’t know that there are any easy answers to overcoming that. The best thing we can do for ourselves is stay spiritually and emotionally grounded so that we are not dependent on a relationship even if it’s what we desire. It’s also good to stay connected to friends who care enough for us to tell us what they see even if they know it’s not what we want to hear. Other than that, unfortunately it’s a risk we run. People don’t always behave with integrity and honor and we can’t completely avoid those kinds of people, especially when we act in good faith.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>