I Think I’m Hot But My Boyfriend Doesn’t Seem to Think So

Evan, I want an honest opinion on my predicament. I am in a year-long relationship and my boyfriend is a wonderful man. We have a strong connection and share a lot of values, views and interests. We’re getting pretty serious but there’s something that is eating me up inside. I think my boyfriend doesn’t think I am hot!

Being 5’5″ and 115lbs and measuring 34-26-35.5”, I always assumed that I was in the same league as a lot of celebrities who boast similar bodies. Granted, I am a little heavier towards my hips and have a bit wider frame but does 1″ really make a lot of difference here? Well, yes, according to my dear b/f. He basically told me that I can’t even compare myself to an actress or other celebrities (this ridiculous conversation started while watching TV and making comments about some actress). To him, I am “good looking” and “pretty” but, say, Angelina Jolie is “hot”, and “beautiful” and I am well… a regular person so I am not, how could I possibly be? He “likes me and finds me attractive”, but by no means am I nearly as good looking as a movie star, and I am crazy to be even comparing myself to them. That was the essence of the conversation. Of course, I felt hurt and I had a few “nice” things to say to him in response – as in “look who’s talking” kind of things and this conversation went downhill right away.

Now, am I crazy to be upset about this outlook of his? Men I dated in the past were (or at least acted the part) infatuated by me. I am used to hearing how beautiful I am. Men turn heads when I walk down the street. While I am totally OK with the idea that somebody doesn’t find me the most beautiful woman on the planet, which a lot of people probably don’t, I am somehow not OK with that person being my boyfriend! I mean, if he was truly into me, wouldn’t I be to him more beautiful than all Hollywood celebrities combined? Wouldn’t he be saying things like “honey, Angelina Jolie got nothing on you”? What happens if I gain weight with age – do I go from being “pretty” to “ugly, but I love you anyway because we have 2 kids and a mortgage and divorcing you is too damn expensive”? Am I being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have I got a legitimate concern? Is recognizing that your girlfriend is not ranking at the top of your scale in terms of looks but is the best “package” you can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc. a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker? –Diana.

Love. This. Question.

It’s a microcosm of every misinterpretation in every relationship ever.

And before I answer it, I want to share with you a story.

It was a tale from a linguistics professor in college who explained to the class that, in studies, men tend to be much more direct in their language. Women are subtle.

We can see this in many forms of personal interaction.

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

Women are sensitive to each others’ needs. Men are blunt.

Women pick up on details. “What was he wearing? How did he kiss you? Where were you at the time?” Men just want to cut to the chase. “What’s the point?”

Women are supportive of their friends. “No, you don’t look fat in those jeans.”
Men cut their buddies down. “Dude, you gained, like twenty pounds!”

In fact, suffice to say, women are largely better and more sensitive communicators and men should really learn take a page out of women’s emotional playbooks.

Except for this one thing…

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

My linguistics professor used an example of how a typical man and a typical woman would respond to being stuck in a hot classroom.

The man would say, “It’s hot in here! Open the window!”

The woman would turn to her friend and say, “Do you think it’s hot in here?”

The man issues a command. The woman tries to build consensus, but she doesn’t come out directly and say what she really wants: open the goddamn window!

I’m not going to get into some debate about whether this is 100% accurate, because it’s not. Not all men are direct. Not all women are subtle and nuanced.

But the reason I’m sharing this, in reference to your situation, Diana, is that the most interesting thing about women’s linguistics patterns can be summed up in one line:

Men say what they mean. Women don’t.

Thus, women are often surprised when men say what they mean.

You asked your boyfriend a question.

He gave you an honest answer. You seem shocked that he would do so.

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

I’d be shocked if he told you otherwise. His answer would be the exact same answer I would give to my wife. The difference is that:

a) My wife would never ask me to compare her to Angelina Jolie. She’s not that insecure.
b) My wife would not be surprised at my response, which is that she’s no Angelina Jolie.
c) My wife would not take it personally that I told her the truth, because she knows she’s no Angelina Jolie.

So what’s really going on, Diana, is that you wanted your boyfriend to LIE to you.

You didn’t want the truth. You wanted praise.

Even if it meant that he lied right to your face.

Ironic, isn’t it?

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

You basically set yourself up for failure on a couple of levels.

• You expected your boyfriend to be “infatuated” with you because other men have been. Sorry, sweetie. Infatuation is soooo high school.

• You insulted your boyfriend’s looks because he didn’t lie and tell you were as attractive as one of the most attractive women on the planet. Catty much?

• You actually feel that that a man who is truly into you would think you are more beautiful than all of the Hollywood celebrities combined? Really?

How much self-delusion do you have to have to say such things?

I mean, let’s just take it to the extreme:

A man with average looks, average intelligence and an average job gets pissed at his girlfriend who doesn’t think he’s the love child of Brad Pitt and Steve Jobs.

Note: the girlfriend didn’t say he’s “average”. She just said he’s not perfect.

Should he be upset? I sure don’t think so.

Obviously, she loves him – that’s why she’s his girlfriend.

But if you compare ANY man to the most impressive person in his/her field, ALL them are going to compare unfavorably.

So, to answer your question:

Are you being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have you got a legitimate concern? Is your boyfriend recognizing that you may not be at the very top of his scale in terms of looks but are the best “package” he can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc? Is this a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker?

I would only say this…

You’re spot on in assessing your boyfriend’s maturity. Well done.

The real question is whether it’s a deal breaker for HIM to stay with a woman who has such a hard time hearing the truth.

I’ve dated such women and personally, I would rather date a 7 who can accept reality than a 10 who expects me to lie to her.

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Comments:

  1. 151
    Happy Person

    Nathan–you are great!!!! Love all of your comments. My BF and I have pretty much opted out of TV and movies, though I watch stuff on Netflix (hate commercials). It is amazing how much easier it is to see people as people and accept them as they are when your head isn’t full of these manipulative, manipulated images.

    I feel very bad for people who aren’t able to love others or themselves because their heads are so full of this media nonsense.

    Maybe in response to this thread, not sure–but I was just thinking yesterday of all of the once “hottest” celebrities from the last few decades and how they ended up not so “hot”–sometimes because of their own doings, often just because of fate: Elizabeth Taylor, Montgomery Clift, Farrah Fawcett, Kirsty Alley, Michael J Fox, OJ Simpson, Whitney Houston, Christopher Reeve, Margot Kidder, Michael Jackson, John Travolta, Marilyn Monroe, JFK, JFK Jr., just about every rock star—the list just goes on and on.

    Name one “hot” person who stayed that way for very long. Really, if men are into this “hot” nonsense they are not mature enough to be in a relationship. We all have to grow up. That growing up usually requires that we leave behind the things that we found so all-consuming in high school. It also means that boys can’t get away with bullying us gals unless we let them.

    Glad Diana dumped him.

  2. 152
    Diana

    Karl R, nobody has a crystal ball so of course I can’t tell for sure how this relationship may have turn out, but i was basing it on the fact that that’s what pretty much all of his friends are like (again – should’ve known earlier, right?). That, and the fact he was not too crazy about my looks to begin with, and I didn’t need to torture my imagination to come up with this scenario. It is quite possible that I am wrong, but my gut told me to walk away. I did not feel truly loved in that relationship, and the idea that I was picked out for his life plans almost like a qualified candidate gets selected for a job, with minimal emotional investment, just did not sit well with me. I am not that desperate for a white picket fence…

  3. 153
    Heather

    @ Diana,

    Wow, I’m sorry that your relationship ended. When I read what was actually said, I thought good god, she sounds like she was dating my ex boyfriend, who made all kinds of snarky comments to and about me, including calling me a “whore” in front of his friend, when introducing me. It sounds like you made the right choice and I’m glad you stood up for yourself.

    Like I said in earlier posts, alot of men need to learn to think before they speak, and it sounds like this one needs some serious remedial training in that department!!!

    I am actually reading a book that you might find interesting, it’s called “The Verbally Abusive Man” but the author’s name escapes me at the moment. It’s very insightful and as someone who’s lived through a couple of verbally abusive relationships, it’s teaching me the warning signs so I steer clear of these men for good.

    Good luck to you and EMK is right, the right man won’t cause you to feel like you need validation. I haven’t needed to feel validated one bit by my current guy. Hes a nice person and also, I love me and myself and were he to ever start making me feel bad, he’d end up getting punted like a football through the endzone, LOL!!!!

  4. 154
    Goldie

    @ AnnieC #148, WTH was that post about? My point was, if my manager asks me whether I’ve done X,Y, or Z, it’s because I should’ve done it by now (and reported to them that I have) and they don’t know if I have or not. How they word their question is irrelevant. That’s my point, what’s yours? I don’t get it. If you want to pick a fight with me, ask for my email address and we’ll take it offline, this blog is not the right place.

    @Diana, thanks for the update. IMO, regardless of the “hot or not” discussion, your ex BF was out of line. “What are you, crazy?” is never the right thing to say in a relationship. Having a verbally abusive husband is not fun, so good for you for getting out.

  5. 155
    Karl R

    Helen asked: (#155)
    “I’d be curious to how the media affect not just women, but also men, in this example.”
    “Do you find yourself bombarded by the media into believing that a particular female look is the most attractive (tall, skinny, long hair, etc.), or do men look less at all these examples because they’re not specifically tailored to men?”

    I would say men’s preferences are probably influenced by popular media, but men’s tastes aren’t controlled by those images.

    For example, I’ve noticed my tastes shift over the years towards the appearance of women I’ve dated before. I find that “type” more attractive once I became seriously involved with the woman, and that preference continues years after the relationship ends.

    Helen asked: (#155)
    “Do men actually have a much wider definition of women’s beauty than portrayed by the popular media?”

    Absolutely. If you want to observe this, browse porn on the internet. While some of it is clearly portraying women who look similar to what you would see on popular media, a lot of porn goes directly against those images. There is BBW and GILF porn because there are men who are willing to pay money for it.

  6. 156
    Katarina Phang

    Diana’s bf’s response to her statement (whether or not said in jest) was totally uncalled for. You don’t speak like that to someone you love period. What he said and how he said it was contemptuous. That was horrendous. You can only imagine what else he’s capable of down the road.

    If my man quipped that he’s just as hot as Brad Pitt, I would just say while kissing his cheek and rub his head “You bet, darling. You know I’m crazy about you.”

    You see which response will lead to stronger bonding in relationship? Who cares if I lied through my teeth? I love the guy and his emotional well-being is much more important than factual truth.

    Why the need to put him down even if for the sake of objectivity he’s not as hot? To me a guy needs to be hot to be in relationship with me anyway because I need a physical relationship as much as it is emotional, so yeah my guy is usually as hot as any celebrity TO ME (hence, it’s not really a lie either).

    There are other guys who will think the world of you, Diana. If it’s important to you to feel admired and adored even physically, then go for a man who will give that to you.

  7. 157
    Margo

    Karl #161: “Diana said: (#154)
    “I never asked my (now ex) b/f if I was hotter than AJ. I stated it, saying something like ‘yeah I am just as hot as she is’”

    Even if you are as hot as Angelina Joliie, I would consider that to be an incredibly immodest statement.

    If you’re as hot a Hollywood actresses, you don’t need to tell people that you’re hot. They will have already noticed.

    It seems to me that you’re creating problems for yourself, primarily with an overactive imagination, but also with what you say. And if you’re creating your problems, you’ll find those problems in all of your future relationships as well.”

    I agree with Karl on all of the above.

    Diana…you may go through 20+ men before any of them truly find you as attractive as Angelina Jolie. Do you have that long to wait? And, yes, if you’re hot, there is no need to go around announcing it. This whole conversation with your fiancee about it just sounds really immature. But, your need to bring it up with him is a sympton of your insecurity and anger in the relationship.

    From what you have written, it appears he is the cause. Appears being the operative word here. Going forward, I would suggest, as Evan and Karl has, that you be cognizant of your expectations and ensure that they are realistic. If you have difficulty doing that, then that is evidence of a deeper problem that is worth investigating.

  8. 158
    Happy Person

    Edie Sedgwick, Lady Di, Grace Kelley, Blondie, Demi Moore, Michael Douglas, Alec Baldwin, Valerie Bertinelli, Tim Conway, Marlon Brando.

    All once upon a time the hottest thing around. They all lost “it.” So will Brad, Angelina, and anyone else who has “it.”

    Really, is “it” what we want to base our love relationships on?

  9. 159
    Still-Looking

    Diana –
    Happy Person @169 made a great point.
    Do you want your partner to love you because he is in love with how “hot” you are?
    You are, in essence, basing your worth on your perception of how physically attractive you appear to your partner.
    1. What happens when you get pregnant? When you gain a few pounds? When you develop some wrinkles? When a pimple sprouts on your forehead? Are you then going to feel less loved because you “know” you are not as attractive as you once were? Are you going to fret that your partner will now be searching for a “hotter” woman? I have dated quite a few extremely attractive women. As Evan, Karl, and a number of others have noted physical attraction is just one of many attributes that will attract and keep a man. I’ve cut dates short with beautiful women because they were boring, vain, or not intelligent. I’ve never lost interest in a woman who had a great personality because she wasn’t the hottest woman in town.
    2. Was your BF the hottest man you’ve ever seen in your life? Can you honestly say he had the hottest body in the country? Was he the epitome of male masculinity or whatever your preference is for men?
    3. Assuming you are truly in the 99th percentile for physical attractiveness, what about all the “lesser” women who just pretty, cute, average, or heaven forbid, homely? Are they destined to a life of loveless misery merely because their partners would admit to themselves that their GF/spouse was not the “hottest” woman in the world?

    I wish you luck in finding happiness and a great relationship but please realize that physical attractiveness becomes less and less importance in a relationship (for most people) as the years go by. Read some of Evan’s articles on the importance of compatibility versus chemistry… lust based on physical attraction only gets you so far….

  10. 160
    Soph

    “yeah I am just as hot as she [AJ] is” — Seriously? OMG just how delusional, insecure and conceited can a person be? This woman’s bf is so much better off WITHOUT her. That guy probably just snapped because he got annoyed at her conceitedness. I know that cos I used to be THAT woman. Not to that extent of course but I can say Diana’s need to tell this to her bf comes from her own insecurity, and conceitedness also. I have grown up since then and I strongly urge you, Diana, to do the same.

  11. 161
    SalsaQ

    @170 Still-Looking

    Diana wrote
    [i]I can’t tell for sure how this relationship may have turned out, but i was basing it on the fact that that’s what pretty much all of his friends are like that and the fact he was not too crazy about my looks to begin with, and I didn’t need to torture my imagination to come up with this scenario. my gut told me to walk away. I did not feel truly loved in that relationship. I was picked out for his life plans almost like a qualified candidate gets selected for a job, with minimal emotional investment[/i]

    OP may have written about that one conversation on looks but there were deeper problems than just that! I would guess that conversation became a big deal to the OP because all of the other concerns were mounting and she was already troubled.

  12. 162
    Soph

    BTW, I have a friend who likes to constantly slip into conversations or writing on FB how “pretty” she thinks she is. I probably would have found her a lot prettier if she didn’t feel the urge to say it out loud. The more she does that, the more I find that she really isn’t all that. It’s probably the rebellious nature in man, I don’t know. But the fact that she feels the need to constantly remind the people around her how pretty she is reeks insecurity to me. And it’s just downright pathetic/annoying.

  13. 163
    AnnieC

    @Nathan.

    I do understand that Nathan. However, all adults are ultimately responsible for their issues. No matter what happens to us or how we are influenced, if we don’t have that fundamental belief that everything we feel or believe is our responsibility then we cannot fix our own problems, let alone social problems. The victim mentality in society is so powerful that it is becoming ridiculous. You aren’t a victim, when you have a choice.

    If a woman is struggling with self-esteem, to such a degree she expects her partner to find her the most beautiful woman in the world(or lie) as some women here seem to be saying, then she has a problem needs to own it instead of blaming men.

    Should people be kind in a relationship? Of course. But what IS kind? Is it kind to put your partner on the spot asking them silly questions about looking like a movie star? Is the OP considering how her partner feels, or is kindness only a one way street? It is not kind to put unrealistic expectations on your partner, or expect them to deal with hypersensitivity and the need for constant validation.

    That understanding seems to be missing in so many comments here.

    @Goldie, I’m not Picking on you, I’m challenging your comments.

    And it is quite relevant to a lot of blog entries, due to unrealistic expectations that people have due to their own emotional reactions to situations.

    If some-one asks you if you are done, yes or no can suffice. You reading some kind of nefarious meaning into it IE he’s really saying I SHOULD be done, is not your co-workers problem, your assumptions are a choice you are making. Why do that? Why put words in some-ones mouth? And how many times has Evan suggested that women stop putting ulterior motives onto men, and take them at their word?

    My point is, if you take offense at something so simple as someone asking you at work, if you have completed a task then what else in life are you going to take offense to?

    This hypersensitivity that people feel is actually really disturbing.

  14. 164
    Androgynous

    Heather :
    “So based upon your logic, then I would have every right to talk to you however I wish, no matter if it were abusive, mean spirited, hateful, etc.”

    Heather, I never said it was acceptable to use abusive, mean spirited and hateful language to your co-workers. My exact words were blunt and direct. There’s a difference. Just as there is a difference between “Why didn’t you do what I requested you to?” and “Why didn’t you do what I requested you to, you idiot”.

    My point is that there is a time and place for blunt and direct language. Blunt and direct language used in a relationship context depends on the circumstances. In a working context, blunt and direct language is perfectly acceptable.
    If anything, I have found that being empathic and compassionate gets me absolutely nowhere as far as managing some people go. I have found that as a female team leader responsible for 25 staff, being empathic and compassionate can result in some staff taking advantage and walking all over you, eventually becoming insubordinate.

    Don’t feel sorry for me because I am doing pretty well, thank you – by behaving as a situation requires, which means being blunt and direct where I have to. And no, I have never been abusive or I, or my company would have had our pants sued off our behinds.

  15. 165
    Stacey

    Soph, Margo, and all: so here’s one woman who doesn’t have body image issues (or may be she does NOW). She doesn’t look at AJ and says “oh i wish i had her legs “, but rather shrugs and says “meh, I am just as good”. And SHE is the one who gets labeled insecure, delusional, immodest, etc.? Is this for real, so sad that this is a society we live in, where a woman is expected to think of herself as inadequate in comparison to images forced fed to us by tabloids, and if she doesn’t – there must be something wrong with her, and she needs to be put in her place.

  16. 166
    Soul

    #Stacey:

    Fishing for compliments = having body image and/or self-esteem issues….

    If you feel insulted for not being perceived as as “hot” as another woman…what do you call this?

  17. 167
    Stacey

    Soul: so women can’t win! You think you’re beautiful you are insecure and possibly delusional, you don’t think you are beautiful you are definitely insecure and have body image issues, what is, in your opinion, the healthy way of perceiving yourself? “ugly but ok with it”?

  18. 168
    Soul

    @Stacey:

    There is nothing to win…. and it’s not a female or male thing…

    What would you say if a man repeatedly said to you or asked you if he was rich enough/richer than brad pitt?

    You would tell him to relax, try his best, and just be confident in who he is…. and also, this doesn’t seem very attractive, huh?

    That’s my opinion: do your best (and I mean really DO your best in terms of food, clothes, hygiene, gym…),

    and relax…

    oh! and smile !!!! you’re good enough :-)

  19. 169
    Harmony

    I suddenly had an image of Angelina sitting on the porch in her rocker at 80 asking Brad “Do you still think I am the hottest woman around?” What would he say??

    It’s all subjective and loving someone can make them the most beautiful person in the world. Men should express that….

    Sad how many of the beautiful celebrities have not found their true love and/or have been betrayed. Better have a strong sense of self that withstands time!

  20. 170
    Soph

    Well said, Soul@179. A person (male or female) who is truly comfortable in their own skin will not feel the need to seek validation outside of them. IMO there is a fine line between confidence and conceitedness. To me confidence is “I’m perfectly happy with what I’ve got, but at the same time I still acknowledge the fact I don’t look ‘perfect’ so to speak (or as ‘hot’ as AJ in this case). But hey, so what?” As Soul said, just slap on a big smile, do your very best in taking care of your appearance, and know that you are special in your own way! :)

  21. 171
    Soul Sister

    When I was married, after 3 kids and a husband who never made me feel good about myself (I was very thin and very sexy when he first met me) I gained about 40 lbs. I no longer felt sexy, beautiful, or even worth noticing. After 20 years we got a divorce and I went on the “divorce” diet. I lost the 40 lbs, exercised, and got a breast augmentation (breast feeding 3 kids does NOT do wonders to your boobs!). Anyway, I must admit I looked fantastic and felt fantastic…sexy, hot, whatever. We were at a local race together and a man said to my ex-husband “how could you let a woman who looks like this go?”. My ex said “maybe if she would have looked like this I wouldn’t have” (ha ha, since I asked for the divorce). My response back to him was “maybe if you would have made me feel hot and sexy to you all those years, I would have still looked like this”. Not saying I blame him for gaining the weight, but when your partner stops believing you are beautiful…sometimes you stop believing it to. It took other men noticing me to make me notice myself again, and once I did, there was no stopping me. So yes, it is very important to me for a man to make me feel beautiful, because then I believe it too and work hard to stay that way…..chicken or the egg….

  22. 172
    Heather

    @ Androgynous:

    No, I’m sorry, you do not have the right to come into my office, ask me if I’m doing my job, when you have no proof that I am not doing my work, and you can clearly see that I am doing my work. It is unprofessional. It is rude. And unacceptable. Put the shoe on the other foot, dear. Would you like it? I’m sure you wouldn’t.

    Treat others like you’d like to be treated. And yes, I do feel sorry for you that you feel that compassion and empathy have no place in the workplace. That’s a shame. And like a therapist once told my ex husband who screamed at me in the middle of a therapy session and I tearfully asked him to please stop screaming at me: “If she feels abused and cornered, then you need to honor that, and stop what you’re doing, because clearly, you are hurting her.” So if I feel insulted by some administrator who has no clue, coming into my office and asking me if I’m doing my job when he has no proof of wrongdoing or lack of work on my part? I have every right to feel insulted, and men and women both, with management experience mind you, have agreed that he was rude, unprofessional and way out of line.

    Again. It is not WHAT was said, so much as HOW it was said. And I wish more of you folks would learn that. This world would be a nicer, kinder place if people would use the brain cells in their head and THINK instead of being so damn rude all the time.

  23. 173
    pj

    I understand how diana feels in the sense that this insecurity of whether her boyfriend finds her attractive or not may have manifested itself into an obsession.
    However I personally HATE the terminology ‘hot’ because I think it only goes with the physical appearance of a person (i.e don’t know them personally/couldn’t possible comment on their personality). Whereas to me, comments such as beautiful/pretty say that they like everything about you (this is only my opinion btw other people may see this differently!), such as men, I would never describe a boyfriend as ‘hot/fit’ (although I may describe a guy i met in the street as this) I would describe a boyfriend as handsome/beautiful.

    An example of this is when I was seeing this guy a couple of months ago, I was pretty sure the relationship was going nowhere especially when he said to me ‘You have an amazing body’ so the first thought that went through my mind was ‘he just wants me for sex’ not ‘OMG HE THINKS I’M HOT’

    Whereas a few weeks later when he decided he actually wanted to be in a relationship with me (i wasn’t interested at this point because I had thought he wasn’t interested due to the aforementioned comment) he described me as ‘a beautiful, intelligent girl who is pretty awesome.’

    I know which I’d rather be described as.
    Also, I don’t understand this whole ‘comparing to celebrities’ culture we seem to have, if a boyfriend who i’d been with for a year made a comment about a celebrity i’d probably respond with something along the lines of ‘Yeah well angelina jolie would definitely not be picking your dirty socks up off the floor, so think yourself lucky!’ :P

  24. 174
    Eljem

    Bit off-topic (sorry Evan!) but…

    Heather @183

    Speaking as someone who both manages and is managed, of course a manager has the right to ask a team member how they are getting on with a task. They don’t have the right to ask in an abusive manner, but the fact of asking is not, in itself, abusive. So, in response to your question to Androgynous, I don’t feel insulted when my manager asks how I’m getting on with a task.

    I suspect that, although it was obvious to you that you were going to meet your deadline, it wasn’t similarly obvious to your manager. In that scenario, the simplest approach is to ask the staff member directly.

  25. 175
    Joe

    @ AllenB #141:

    IMO in general ugly<unattractive<plain<cute<pretty<beautiful<gorgeous

    Notice "hot" doesn't really fit into that spectrum, which is more about the way a woman looks to your brain. "Hot" is more about the way she looks to your pecker.

    That spectrum is more like
    double-bagger<doable<hot

  26. 176
    Senior Lady Vibe

    “The real question is whether it’s a dealbreaker for HIM to stay with a woman who has such a hard time hearing the truth.”

    What was said and heard was not the truth about her, it was her guy’s opinion of her. The only truth here is that she has a guy who thinks she’s not so hot… and wants her to know he thinks of her that way. His opinion. I think I’d want a second opinion, maybe a second guy too…

  27. 177
    Katarina Phang

    SLV, exactly. It is one thing to think your partner is not that hot, it’s quite another to viciously let her know the cold hard fact.

    A woman can do better than with a man like that. It’s hard enough to be in relationship with a decent guy who appreciates you, forget about with the one who talks down to you.

  28. 178
    AnnieC

    @185

    Exactly.

    Feeling offended over some-one simply doing their job, is oversensitivity imo.

  29. 179
    Senior Lady Vibe

    @Katarina Phang 188:
    “SLV, exactly. It is one thing to think your partner is not that hot, it’s quite another to viciously let her know the cold hard fact.”

    The lack-of-hotness verdict was a bit cold and hard but, I repeat, still only his opinion, not a fact about OP. The real fact hanging in the air is he has that opinion of her. IMHO, that would turn me off to hear that from a guy. I’d much rather have a guy who thought I was hot, regardless of what he thought about other women. I like a guy who appreciates women.

    Other thoughts are: “hotness” is usually in the eye of the beholder. For example: some guys still consider Jennifer Anniston “hot” even though Brad Pitt might have told her his “truth” that she wasn’t. Brad’s opinion didn’t suddenly become “THE TRUTH” about Jennifer… it was only the truth about Brad…

    1)Find a guy who thinks you’re hot.

    And why, oh, why is the OP obsessing over her five measurements? Five measurements do not “hotness” make. Five measurements don’t even equate to automatic glamour, beauty, or attractiveness. She could use some “fixing” in this area and perhaps the fixing is mostly in her head.

    I amend step one to:

    1) Think you’re hot.
    2) Find a guy who thinks you’re hot.

  30. 180
    Joya

    What ? Please. Angelina Jolie isn’t even as hot as Angelina Jolie! The public image of AJ is a symbol, a constructed projection, of an ideal of absolute perfection. Celluloid heroes.

    I could address the eternal building up and knocking down practice involved in the cult of celebrity worship, but I won’t.

    For purposes of this discussion, I will say this:

    I rue the day I would ever ask my man if he thinks I’m as hot as the celebrity du jour. But let’s say, in a moment of weakness, I did ask, like Diana did. He wouldn’t be apt to answer the way her boyfriend did or if he did I would be very surprised.

    Mine would reassure me, knowing that this level of rampant societal pressure can serve to make even the most confident woman question her appearance. He would again lovingly acknowledge my own brand of specialness, having nothing to do with the relationship between my value and my body.

    Does he love me because I’m beautiful or “hot” according to some ideal, or am I beautiful and hot because he loves me ?

    Diana seems to be one more poor, misguided sucker buying into the trap of determining a significant percentage of her worth and value based on her level of “hotness” (whatever that means) compared to an impossible and very narrow ideal.

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