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Categories: Dating, Sex
If he texts you, text him back.
If he tries to make plans with you, make plans with him.
If he tells you he loves you, tell him you love him back. (presuming, of course, that you do).
On the flip side, it also means that:
Men reveal themselves in their efforts. Their words don’t mean a thing.
If he doesn’t call you, don’t call him.
If he doesn’t text you, don’t text him.
If he doesn’t make plans with you, don’t make plans with him.
If he doesn’t tell you he loves you, don’t tell him you love him.
This isn’t my version of “The Rules”. I’m not suggesting that you play games or refuse to return his calls or any of that crap. I’m saying that you should continue to be as real and authentic as you can be.
Just let him take the lead.
Because as I’ve said a number of times…
Men reveal themselves in their efforts. Their words don’t mean a thing.
If he calls, if he makes plans, if he commits, he’s interested.
If he doesn’t – if you feel you have to remind him that you’re alive and interested – let him go. He doesn’t deserve you.
It hurts to hear hundreds of women asking me the same exact question and genuinely struggling for the answer that’s obvious to everyone but them.
So once and for all, to all the women reading this: You deserve a man who WANTS to be with you, not one who acts like he’s doing you a favor by returning your call.
Please, send this article to all of your friends and let them know as well.
There’s no reason I should have to write this again.
But we both know I will.
P.S. Want better results in your love life? Click here to read my FREE eBook: “The Five Massive Mistakes You’re Making in Your Love Life” and receive news about all my new articles, products and seminars.
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When I read Ingrid’s letter I got that knee-jerk kick in the stomach reaction. Ingrid, I have been there — probably way more times than you, because I’m way old, but when Evan’s right, he’s right. This mirroring concept is as ingenious as it is simple. And it’s pretty easy to remember, although I’m thinking of having it tattooed down my forearm for easy reference. Women are wise to be proactive when it comes to taking control of our lives, getting our share, fostering self-care and self-respect. But it’s easy (for me) to confuse proaction with attempting to take control of a situation that involves another human — more specifically, a human of the opposite gender. I, for one, resist the idea of being a reactionary. I would rather be the one to act, to initiate, to set the pace, because this is how assertive, smart women get counted — in the work world, the job market, politics, the arts, and even in our personal relationships, BUT when you’re first establishing a relationship which you hope will be intimate and lasting, this is one area where to NOT act, not initiate, to sit on your freakin’ hands if you have to, is actually what’s in your best interest. It’s also a loving thing you can do for yourself, if that doesn’t sound too cheesy. The behavior of your man is lame, substandard, or what I call hit-or-miss. I know if you’ve got feelings for the guy, it’s hard to see and there’s a tendency to explain it away, to try to figure it out. Thus, the tattoo idea. Please heed Evan’s advice and get your sweet self on a new path. Don’t waste one more second of worry or self-doubt on someone who brings you mostly unhappiness and who, for whatever his reasons, either can’t or won’t treat you with the care and respect you deserve from another human. You have better plans for yourself. Best of luck.
ok, but what if you’re doing the mirroring thing, and 1 day she hits you with “it takes so much effort to be with you. Why do I always have to initiate everything?” True story. What should one say then?
Mirroring is for women, Roberto. Guys have to take the lead. It SHOULDN’T be so much effort to be with you because it’s your job to make her feel secure.
I’m kind of in the same situation. However, we’ve been together for about 6 months. Lately, I feel like I’m the one doing all the work. And if I didn’t call to make plans, we’d never see each other. Hell, we wouldn’t even talk to eachother. It sucks because he was my best friend and we finally decided, after 8 years of being really good friends, to give “us” a shot (at his prompting, not mine–but I was totally into the idea).
I would have rather he said it wasn’t working for him than to completely ignore me for the last month.
But now I know. And I *do* deserve better than this. I deserve someone who actually *wants to spend time with me*.
Thanks for the tip Evan. Something to keep in the back of my mind.
ok, guys need to take the lead. Not the most fair, but that’s the way it goes, so fine. But if a guy doesn’t mirror even a little bit, then how’s he supposed to differentiate between when a girl is “playing hard to get” (for whatever reason) and “just not interested?
I like the idea of ‘Mirroring’; it is an interesting concept and I believe somehow it will work with men. If a girl take the initiative to call me, then there is a higher probability of me calling her back and calling her more; especially if I am fond of her too. I would say it’s the ‘face’ issue as in man want to make sure or confirm that the lady feels the same way about them too before taking action.
Evan is right about, “Men reveal themselves in their efforts. Their words dont mean a thing”, at least it’s true for me. I am generous with words but end of the day, I am an action man that would rather do it than to say it. However, always practise flexibility. There is no one true case in every situation.
from one to three months is the “perfect” period in a relationship. Everything is just right. For some of us, there is nothing wrong with 90 day relationships, so, I am told…..
Roberto – It’s easy to know if a woman isn’t interested in you. You simply take the initiative to call her, and if she never calls you back, then you know. For sure. As for “playing hard to get,” Evan isn’t suggesting woman “play” at anything. He’s suggested that if the man makes a woman feel assured and secure by taking the initiative to contact her, following up on their good times together, it shows her that you’re genuinely interest in her and, 99% of women are going to be very glad to hear from you and admire you for taking that step. What Evan is trying to discourage women from doing is taking the initiave, over and over again, to keep an otherwise lame relationship alive, when really there would be no relationship if she didn’t make the calls, set up the plans, etc. If the woman stops, the relationship stops, and then the woman feels humiliated by her own behavior and hurt because she wanted to believe there was more to it, etc etc.
And Hunter, you are absolutely right. There IS nothing wrong with 90-day relationships. And think of how many of them you could have over the course of a lifetime! But here’s the thing, most women I know would like to have that kind of information right up front from a man, so by honestly disclosing in your online profile that you’re in it for 3 months, tops, then that’s a clear signal to all those women who also love 90-day relationships that You’re Their Man. Then the women who want something a little more indepth can concentrate on the other men who are also looking for something a little longer, a little deeper. Then everyone’s happy. I know it’s not as fun as turning a woman’s head in that initial “perfect” period, filling her with all that talk about how great she is & how you’re going to have great times in the future, then making your exit when your attention span starts to sputter & your mind to wander, but, well, we all have to make sacrifices. So, Happy Hunting, you 90-day wonder, you!
Zann, I think Hunter was joking about the 90-day relationship idea. But let’s say he’s not – in theory it sounds good if someone says upfront that they’re only in for 90 days, but let’s be realisitic – most people aren’t that calculating, and if a guy says this there’s a good chance he wouldn’t get to sleep with her instead of leading her to think that he’ll commit for the long term.
Oy. That sickening realization that the relationship was limping along only through your valiant efforts. And that horrible feeling as you come to grips with it, and start to examine all the instances you should have read the signs, and the humiliation as you realize just how many there were. That’s exactly the feeling we should hang on to when we start to wonder what is going on in a relationship that is going south. Even if the first few slip by, being aware of the realities of the dating world should put it in perspective quickly enough. But we should also be nice to ourselves, because after all, the fact that we can give someone the benefit of the doubt or see the best in others is a strength, not a weakness. It’s not going to kill us that we overlooked some things before we caught on. I think keeping that in mind can take the sting out, at least a little bit, when these situations occur.
Roberto, I agree with Zann – if a woman complains to you that she’s doing all the work, perhaps you should ask yourself if you are truly interested in being with her or in a relationship at all.
If a woman wants to be in a serious relationship she’s not going to want to waste her time with a guy who’s not taking the initiative – at least she shouldn’t, that’ what this post is about. And we’re not talking about playing games, it’s things like not calling on a regular basis, not introducing her to friends, mixed messages (coming on strong at first then going awol) etc. Too many of us have met guys we like only to be let down because they’re not committing.
In my view this is why there are so many single people compared with our parent’s generation (I’m in my late 30′s). So much of the media points fingers to women who have more opportunities than our moms did, but I don’t see as much about men who for whatever reason are afraid to – or don’t want the responibilities of – being in a committed relationship.
Yahooo! Thank you WannaBeMatzoBalled. It’s nice to have that reminder about forgiving ourselves when we feel the sting & humiliation of being “fooled yet again” …..realizing, in retrospect, we were blind to the red flags. (Besides red flags are not always red; in fact, sometimes they’re an endearing shade of pale pink, and, thus, appear harmless, maybe even cute…. at the time.) And you know what they say about hindsight. But I’d rather be a person who gives the benefit of the doubt than be paranoid, constantly suspicious, and bitter. I do wonder, however, whether women are more prone to feel empathy than men are, because sometimes it seems this works against us in the minefield of relationships with men.
What I always ask myself in situations like this one is, “Is it reasonable for me to expect x, y, or z?” And I consider the kind of behavior that one could expect in a healthy relationship, and I compare my situation to that. I think it’s so easy for us women to justify the bad behavior of men–in fact, “He’s Just Not That Into You” is full of stories of women who justify the bad behavior of men.
But if you ask yourself, “Is it reasonable for me to expect someone who loves me to call me a few times a week? Is it reasonable for me to expect them to return my calls in a timely fashion? Is it reasonable to expect to see him every couple of days?”
Yes! It’s reasonable! It doesn’t mean you’re clingy or dependent. Too often I think we allow this bad behavior because we’re afraid of looking needy.
There’s nothing wrong with having needs. We all have them. And it’s reasonable for us to expect our partners to try to meet them.
It’s almost funny that Ingrid has to ask, but I guess when we want to believe something is other than it is, we become blind to the obvious. It’s easier to see it in others than in ourselves. Right on Ev.
Hi,
I am in a similar situation except that I have been dating my boyfriend for 11 years. We have been through alot together including 5 years of long distance relationship. 2 years back my boyfriend has the same issue where he just doesn’t return calls or smses when he was studying abroad, i don’t hear from him for weeks and he grew distant. That’s caused our break-up. We got back together 2 months later when he returned to the country. The relationship improved, he calls me regularly without fail, met all my family members, and he was there for me this March when my dad passed away being extremely supportive and even took me on a holiday. My birthday just passed and he planned my birthday celebration with my friends and even mentioned about saving money for wedding funds. But two weeks ago, he started his dissapearing act again. He doesn’t return calls or sms. I emailed him and he will email replies only few days later saying he is busy. I have not seen him for 2 weeks. I rang him and smsed him today he didn’t answer again or return my calls. When i emailed him, he briefly reply he is going away for the weekend for work. When I asked him for details he didn’t reply. Why he is not answering calls but replying emails? This is a public holiday weekend and I am devastated that he didn’t even bother to ring me to tell me he is going away until i emailed him. How can someone’s feelings changed so suddenly? Based on your replies, I know he is not into me anymore and no one can be too busy to not call or answer calls for two weeks. I am devastated especially I have spend 11 years with him, am dying a slow death feeling. Help!!
xtremely, it sounds like your bf is getting cold feet and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. After 11 years if he can’t return a phone call then imagine what it would be like if you were married to him. He won’t change, the only thing you can do is cut your losses, as painful as it seems now.
I agree with all of you and thanks for posting all your thoughts here.
It helped me at this point with my situation.
Hi Xtremely,
My heart goes out to you. I agree that it sounds like your bf has a bad case of cold feet. After 11 years of dating, he probably feels a little pressured and realizes the only logical next step in marriage, but he is not going there for his own reasons.
Frankly I am surprized you have hung in there this long! I should talk, I was in one relationship for seven years. The jerk ended up walking out on me two weeks after my mother died and marrying someone else a year later.
There should be an expiration date on dating, like sour milk. If BF doesn’t ask you to marry after a year, you toss the relationship!
When I waited for the man to call me he said that it was rude to expect the man to call first. I waited a week and he said “Hi, so you do remember me? and “I thought you found someone else”. He was the one to stop the relationship! What do you do then? What if you wait and he is expecting you to call?
“It’s rude to expect the man to call first”? Where did he get that from? I don’t know what to tell you Julz, I’ve never met anyone who thought that way.
He really is different. Isn’t he? I think he expected me to call him first but I didn’t. I never met his friends or family but he called me recently from a mates house. They are asking him about me while we are on the phone together. I asked him what his friends were going to say about me and he said he’ll tell them to mind their own business. I don’t think so! Why did he call me when he was with them? Was it to boost his ego?
Hi Xtremely, on a positive note, he might be really busy or something really cropped up and he does not know how to tell you. He might be preparing something since he planned with your friends for your birthday and talked about wedding fund.
On the negative note, as what downtowngal said, “cut losses.”
I read Ingrid’s letter and thought there was no ‘relationship’ to start. Since ‘relationship’ means different things to different people, I define a relationship as beginning when BOTH parties agree they are to see each other exclusively, not simply when you first date someone several times before agreeing to a relationship.
Analytically, according to Ingrid, the relationship can be broken into 2 six week segments. After a six weeks, he bailed, stating by action what perhaps he could/should have said by word.
While Ingrid’s story omits many hard facts, this situation looks like one where Ingrid and boyfriend, met and dated for several (6) weeks. I suspect, but cannot prove, that Ingrid felt they were ‘together’ exclusively during this time. However, the pattern of behavior described by Ingrid (keeping in mind this is only Ingrid’s version) doesn’t paint a picture of a guy enthralled with a new girlfriend.
I suspect that boyfriend did not view the ‘relationship’ as exclusive or with nearly the same importance as did Ingrid. Based upon the time frames and his behavior I suspect boyfriend simply viewed this as a potential exclusive relationship for the first six weeks. It appears that, based upon Ingrid’s story, he decided not to pursue the relationship any further.
Whether his manner of parting ways (make no mistake, not calling backs and turning off his phone is definitely communication) is the best, that is another topic. I offer that Ingrid should have bailed after the 1st unreturned call.
BTW, what I’ve said above applies to both genders equally.
After this six week evaluation period, he basically bailed.
I agree with verbosity to a large extent. In relationship, whether it is between family members, between friends or between partners, a different point of view or perspective in a subject can cause argument. Maybe one party could view it as in a relationship while the other party feel it as trying out to see if things work out.
I read a story once about a boy and his father. The boy was planting an acorn seed with his father and after he planted the seed, he watered the seed. On seeing the worried look on his son’s face, the father told the son not to worry as by summer, the acorn seedling would have grown to his knee length height. The boy turned his face and asked his father, “Your knee or my knee?”
I wonder-since we know infatuation can blind us to red flags, or cause us to ignore them–might it also not persuade us there is ‘more’ of a relationship than there actually is? When someone backs off after a month or so we wonder what happened? How did we misread their interest? Could it be that some of the ‘signs’ we interpret as a growing relationship are often the exaggeration of our own attraction? The other person isn’t feeling it the same way, but we just can’t see that?
to Zann,
…according to research and studies, we don’t see the red flags for the first ninety days….due to infatuation, chemistry, etc…
How long have you been blogging…your good at it.
I am sorry to break this down, but mebbe it’ll help. This is probably cold-blooded insight into the male mind. Please don’t get angry; I will only be explaining what happens. I would also like for it to be another different way but this is what it is…
Many guys I know view most women as targets, not relationship possibilities. They do not want to commit because it is not fun. It doesn’t give them that smile when they get home. They have seen Dad go gray and they’ve heard his youth stories, noticing his eyes sparkle again then go gray again when he comes to the marriage part.
The great majority would rather have varied simultaneous, quick, intense, physical affairs than going the long route. There are many reasons for this. We all belive we are perfect and deserve only the best. While the latter might be correct, the former is seldom true for ourselves, much less to an external discerning mind. Remember that there is only one “The ONE”, so what is the poor chap to do meanwhile? No, most won’t quietly sit down at home while “the one” strolls by their driveway.
There is a hard saying that applies in this case; “Enjoy the incorrect one while you wait for the correct one”.
I haven’t even gotten into the “Men just wanna have bed fun” concept, but belive me it is true in most cases. Some even view it as a sport and keep detailed records -pictures, souvenirs- of “prizes” they’ve won over. Obviously, the moment they have it, the moment the want to pull their little ninja bombs and smoke out of the equation, lest they lose another fresh conqest. This makes them feel alive, smart, cunning. Boosts their egos (we could delve deep into this…) and keeps them occupied. It’s not that they’re evil or anything, it’s just the way many of them are. They don’t consciously mean to hurt you, but at the same time a case can be made women are temporary toys for them. And remember that men LOVE toys, no matter how old they get to be.
This has a rather devastating side-effect: Men break hearts. Men do not think it is neccesary to marry you if they like you. “Like” might be your legs and not your heart, by the way.Most will avoidmarriage like the plague, specially if the feel their counterpart is needy or emotionally demanding. Many have discovered that “honeymoon period” and keep jumping from relationship to relationship to always live that strong, perfect romance. They are not looking for Claire or Anne; You could very well be Marie and it won’t matter if it’s new and perfect. The moment the woman starts needing them in a way they can’t or won’t fulfill (remember, it’s fun over everything else) they start going “non-commital”.
Men know about this. Many are ashamed and would like for things to be better for both parts. Some eventually marry. But an ever-larger number avoids women as life partners for many reasons, be it masculine immaturity, our pleasure-oriented culture as well as some aspects of the female psyche that admittedly can make life challenging indeed.
We must come to grips with the fact that men who are willing to commit are scarce, have their -valid or not- reasons for doing so and most will be playing. If you find one that’s really into you for life, analyze if you really want him and if you are OK on him give it all you’ve got. If you like him, but you feel he won’t walk faster, enjoy the ride if you want, DO NOT get in love and always keep walking. Remain inattached. Nothing’s for granted in this life. I apologize If I was rude and I hope this clears some doubts.
Best of lucks.
thanks, I get it!
i hate these men are not willing to commit to you threads. mostly because it assumes that women want to commit to everyone they date.
i am a woman. i have not wanted to commit to everyone i’ve dated. the assumption by most men that i do is offensive to me. Sometimes i’ll be on a first date with a guy and he’ll immediately warn me that he’s not into a serious relationship. This is offensive to me. Why? Who said that i want a long term relationship with you? You’re on trial buddy. And you just failed anyway.
Frankly, warning women you don’t want them permanently is just a turn off. It just makes you look like you have a big ego.
Now, maybe men and women are different. Maybe men know ” right away” or something. I’m not sure. But I do know for sure I don’t know right away if someone is for me. Therefore, having some d*ckface tell me he’s not all that serious when i barely know him is kind of offensive. It means he not only considers me a sports fish, but also he must think I’m an idiot. He also must have a very high opinion of himself, thinking I want to bag him for life. Who the hell does he think he is? Antonio Banderas?
When I find a sucker like him I either avoid it completely or, if he’s attractive enough, just have a good time. Because a lot of guys will come up with non committal bullshit and think they’re real game players, but guys are human too and they don’t have as much control as they think they do. Acting like a prick at first meeting is just asking to get screwed with.
A story, to which yyy’s post is a great jumpoff:
2 years ago a male colleague invited me to sit beside him at a conference dinner. He knew I’m happily married with kids. Yet after a few drinks, he had the audacity to tell me, “Helen, I think you’re beautiful, but I’m just not interested in starting a relationship with you.” I was so flabbergasted, I could only sit there with my mouth open. The thought of starting a relationship, ANY relationship, least of all with HIM, was the last thing on my mind.
To make matters worse, he was judging every other guy at the meeting. He was particularly harsh about a thin, nerdy, sweet guy, insinuating that there was no way this guy could satisfy any woman. I wanted to tell him (but didn’t), “If I were single, I’d rather be with him than with you. Yes he’s nerdy and not at all handsome, but he’s kind, gentlemanly, thoughtful, and a great scientist.”
The point is, yyy, you’re not alone, so don’t take these guys personally. It’s not about you. It’s about a few guys who are full of it; you won’t escape them even after you’re married. It’s also about the fact that men aren’t very good at predicting what women want in them. They think we like certain types and rule out other types, and sometimes they have it completely backwards.
Right on point. When I read this blog entry I had to laugh aloud at Evan’s creative way of telling it like it is. I appreciate this blog…albeit rough at times I feel that I have some sense smacked into me by a big brother.
Thanks Bro! I have definitely been “that girl” before but thankfully, I can look back and laugh now.
I wanted to tell him (but didn’t), “If I were single, I’d rather be with him than with you. Yes he’s nerdy and not at all handsome, but he’s kind, gentlemanly, thoughtful, and a great scientist.”
@Helen – I wish you had told him that, and I’m not sure why you didn’t.
I think sometimes we ladies have to take some of the blame for men thinking they’re just perfect, when we don’t take the initiative to inform them unambiguously (and notice I did not say impolitely) when their behavior falls far short of that standard.
I don’t see how the passiveness serves anyone.
A relationship cannot work, and cannot move forward unless both partners want it. One person cannot make the relationship work all by themselves. It could be that the guys a bit slow in working out his feelings for you, he might have seen too many breakups and not want to lose what he has with you, or he could be a complete waste of space. If he is unwilling to put anything into the relationship and treat you with the love and respect that you deserve then where’s the point? Why would you want to share your life with someone who doesn’t care about you, or who is only after one thing?
Geez Ingrid, move on! Have some self respect and find someone else with manners, and who is actually into to you. If the guy was a porker to start with, then he wasn’t really thinking he could do any better. Now, this is not saying you are a hose beast or anything like that, it’s just trying to highlight his crappy way of thinking. Now he’s lost weight, he thinks he’s worthy enough to play the field, that there will always be something better just around the corner.
This is a guy with little consideration for anyone but himself, so he should be dumped as soon as possible. There’s no need to contaminate your self esteem with a butt hole like this.
Move on, you deserve better!
@yyy 31,
I thinksome of those guys are less pricks more than just putting all the cards on the table. Some men feel that they do not want to get married or have committment with anyone at this point in their lives. And it has less to do with the quality of woman than the situation SomOldBloke covered about “honeymoon periods” and fun.
Yes some of these proclaimed bachelors may just happen to fall in love with someone and want more. But for the near future they know it and just want to be direct instead of vague. Basically it is a warning that even if you two do have some chemistry more than likely he will not be staying around for the long haul.
In a general sense though EMK gave great advice.
How about it the man is doing all the right actions, calling, texting, and arranging nice dates but then says he doesn’t want a relationship yet but does want to settle down eventually. He says his divorce hurt him badly. I said I liked the pace that we were going at with our nice dates. Does he now have guilt free sex, as he has told me the score but still taking me out? I’m confused. And scared. Also I don’t want to get in deeper and get hurt. It’s only been a month so it;s early days yet but I just don’t want to invest anymore time on him if he is not interested in a commitment further down the line
ummm… ok, mirroring is certainly a good idea for women during 1, 3 or 6 month of relationship, i.e. no initiating anything.
but how about 2+ years of relationship?.. should i still tie my hands and zip my lips so i won’t reach phone or ask for weekend plans?.. it makes me confused, frankly speaking: to be at man’s mercy regarding when i will hear from him or when i will see him.
after all, i would feel caged.
i am a STRAIGHT MAN that just had to make a serious comment here. it is most of the women today that do not want a COMMITMENT. many of the women like going out with so many different men at one time, instead of just being COMMITTED to just ONLY ONE. why in the world is that? i can without a doubt would love VERY MUCH to just COMMIT to just only ONE WOMAN, to make me happy. the VERY HARD PART is finding a GOOD WOMAN TODAY.
I lol at Julz comment re the guy who thought it was rude for the woman not to call him lmao!! omg I had one of those guys, he almost leapt across the table at me to tell me off for not persuing him more!! that he likes a woman who goes after what she wants! I was deer in headlights! I wasn’t expecting that!!
I just went through this whole thing with a guy who totally persued me, said all the right stuff, non stop contact, really had me going that things were going to go somewhere but so stupidly I kinda asked the question about being exclusive and he tells me that really he just wants to be friends (friends!!!) and that he’s not committing here and so i said so u don’t mind if I go out with other guys??? longggg pause and he said well I guess I can’t say you can’t do that if I’m not committing… so I’m thinking ummmm so what was all the last few weeks of crazy persuing me been???? I just left it alone… didn’t say anything after that.
I thought man u are a doorknob and a waste of time!
I like the one analysis in here about men and their toys… holy is that EVER accurate! That’s EXACTLY what it is!! we are their little toys, and the only time they really committ is after quite a long time if you try to take the toy away! but some just don’t mind looking for new toys. wow! basically you better make yourself damn fun to play with!! sigh.
As for mirroring a guy’s behaviour… ok here’s a scenerio for you… say he calls you and sets up a date every week or something, he does the date thing, some emails or texts in between but always wants to get down and dirty as well… do you mirror the down and dirty part? I don’t think so… that’s just giving him what he wants… without the committment… maybe you want it too and in that case go right ahead but not sure I totally agree with the mirroring thing.
And I’ve got to tell you A LOT of men do NOT know how to lead! seriously! it’s very bad! the one’s who know how to lead are the players, in my opinion. the one’s who don’t know how sort of want you to decide everything (yuck!)…. so sometimes the woman HAS to lead! or get stuck with a player, or never go out…. I had one guy who texted me for MONTHS talking about going out but always had this busy schedule that he didn’t seem to know how to handle… turn off! told him I didn’t think he had time to date and he said yes I do!!! and suddenly made one night a week available… but didn’t ask me out! I’m like seriously do i need to ask myself out? omg!
I just want to share something with you men! If you are online you need to contact a girl first.. Do not waste time saying you are interested unless you give her a reason to respond back to you. Read what she says online. Send her a note with something you read in her profile that sparks your interest. Tell her why. Ask her about what she writes about. Show her. Take the lead. She will appreciate this and will feel more inclined to write you back.
I still maintain that if a guy is really interested and he really wants to be with you, he will make sure you know it and he will lead. If not, I don’t chase.
With respect to leading; if a guy has sufficient interest in you he will unequivocally lead. If his leading is wishy washy at times it’s either because he’s not sure how he feels about you or HJNTIY and is keeping you around until he can find another option.
If I were a woman and I was into a guy I would give him some leeway in the very beginning as you still don’t know him and what his other commitments may be. But after maybe 2 months if he really seems bent on keeping the status quo then you have to ask yourself whether or not he’s really into you.
These situations come up a lot because often men go with what’s available at the time, even if the first date didn’t produce magic sparks. We give it a chance to see if we can get into the girl. Unfortunately, more often than not, we can’t. I know it sounds very cruel I’m just trying to be real. I think for most men we don’t do it to play or waste anyone’s time. We genuinely want to find a big enough spark and have the best intentions but we weren’t that thrilled in the first place.
I’m sure women do this too depending on how many options they have at any given time.
it really takes two people to make a relationship work today. and if one doesn’t want that commitment, then it is very hard on the person that really wanted it. finding the right person has become as difficult as winning the lottery today, since the times today are so much different than years ago which was much easier. many family and friends would introduce you to the person that you really wanted to meet, and meeting each other today on your own is certainly much more difficult now.
Startingoveragain..I don’t know if it was easier in the “good old days’ or not. Sometimes people had one choice of the person they loved, he got someone pregant, had to marry her then the girl was too old OMG 25 and then married the “family friend” but was not really into him. Maybe she didn’t work, he didn’t want her to and she was bored and didn’t really like being his wife in this closed world. There is no perfect time in history. With options you can take the wrong path and meet the wrong guy and say oh why oh why isn’t like in the movies? Then you haard about women saying that they were stuck in a place with no choices. Most of us are stuck with whatever circumstances we are in at that time like wars or famine or prosperity or whatever and that’s the way ti goes. Some uf are beautiful and intellgent or not, that’s the way it goes. I like Evan’s mirroring, it’s a hard thing to do sometimes I agree but looking back whe I was too shy to call, I actualy had the guys fighting over me although it’s easier when it’s not so contrived, I can see where this calling can make a guy crazy too. On the other hand, as we get older, we have fewer people around our “circle” as people move, kids grow up, parents and friends have passed away, people have issues so we don’t see them whether it be drugs or alcohol, food or OCD we may just have a small circle and the male female relatioshiip becomes more important or more central so it harder to not want to control it. Anyuway, my point is don’t idealize the past, people always figure out away to have problems! We ar never satisfied or few of us are.
Damn it! Such a simple message. Why is it so hard for us to accept it? Even just sitting here, reading this, I completely agreed with everything you’ve said Evan, but it’s almost as if I don’t WANT to believe it.
My boyfriend is getting pissed off at me texting him all the time and says I’m doing it for attention and it’s excessive. I beg to differ and say I’m just keeping up communication, being friendly, making conversation, yada yada…when really, if I’m being brutally honest with myself?
I’m checking to see that he’s still there and still interested. NOT healthy!
I should leave it and see if he contacts me. Which he always does, EVENTUALLY, it just takes him a lot longer than it takes me. Then again I text everyone all day…I text my friends pretty much as much as I text him. I don’t think he generally sends out texts unless it’s important.
I guess I’m scared that if he doesn’t bother with me…then that shows me he’s not that into me and that’s REALLY scary because that means that I should probably leave him. Inconveniently, I love this man more than anything and we’ve broken up before, 6 months ago and I missed him so much. I even got a new boyfriend but it didn’t feel right and I was still dreaming about him and talking to him all the time.
Anyway I’m getting off track. I know people will say ‘if he really doesn’t care then you’re better off without him’ and I suppose that’s true but for me, right now, it’s not an option I even want to consider. He’s an amazing boyfriend when we’re together he’s just lazy with the communication otherwise and LOVE LOVE LOVES his space.
Emma, great job in looking inward to see what your actions are really ‘saying’.
This the thing, there are some things that are universal for men and universal for women (and any perceived or actual exception does not disprove the universals):
-Men are not great communicators, PERIOD.
-Men LOVE their space and ‘freedom’
-Men move at a slower pace than women do, so we need lots of patience (maybe this is to prepare us to be mothers because mothers need a lot of patience too
If you can absorb these, accept them, and chuckle about them when they irritate you, you will be much better off. Why get mad at someone for something they can’t control. If he’s proactive contacting you, including you in his life, moving things forward and doing his best to make you happy with his actions, then that is a GREAT guy, a keeper (and of course, you’re crazy about him).
Finally, Men are NOT, NOT, NOT women just with more hair, hahahaha.
Hey Michelle,
Thank you for your great comments!
You’re totally right. I’m not going to say that these things apply to ALL men, especially since I’ve been with some of the ‘stage 5 clingers’ myself, but my man is a ‘stereotypical man’ in every single way. He is tall and quite hairy and very driven by testosterone! He is not soppy, he’s useless at communicating his feelings (especially over the phone) and he views our time apart completely different from the way I do. As for freedom, if I complain about his plans to go somewhere or do something, we’ll argue for a little while and then let it go and I’ll forget about it- but he seems to remember every time I’ve made a fuss about this kind of thing and recently exploded about it! He feels anxious about telling me his plans/invitations he’s received and is always annoyed about my reaction when he does. He definitely comes across as a man that loves the complete freedom of a single life, but is most happy when he’s in a monogamous relationship. I am trying to give him as much space and freedom as he needs right now. If either of us are unhappy after that, I will try to be okay with letting him go.
It’s about communication, and HOW to communicate, that really makes all the difference. As I understand it, complaining to man about what he’s doing makes him feel like he’s not making us happy, and in this context, his SENSE of freedom is being taken away. A better approach is to focus on the way we feel, “I feel X when you Y, how can resolve that”. I would also say to look really hard at what it is you’re not happy about. That doesn’t mean he gets to lead a life where he doesn’t have the responsibility of a relationship, but I get the feeling he’s not that way. It sounds to me like he’s upset because he wants to be honest , but he knows you get upset, so he’s caught between a rock and a hard place.
I think you have a good strategy, use this time to learn more about yourself, you can never go wrong there! It will either show you how to better to navigate this relationship or to move on with no regrets.
Men are perfectly capable of communicating.
If he’s not keen to see you, calling you, taking your calls, returning your calls, making plans for the future (even if it’s just the holidays), helping you out, being consistently kind and respectful he is telling you he is not good boyfriend or husband material. The actual words do not have to come out of his mouth for him to be communicating “I do not want a committed relationship with you.”
My boyfriend does communicate very well, incuding, gasp with words. I never feel that I’m encroaching on him and, if anything, he moved a little bit faster emotionally than me as I am more reserved than him. Sure, not all men are like this. I dated more than my fair share who weren’t. I learned that the time spent trying to turn around the half-hearted/incapable would be better spent looking for a better man. Or rearranging your CD collection.