Why Men Don’t Write to Curvy Women on the Internet

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Hi Evan,

I have been online dating for about two months and it’s been so-so thus far. My problem is deciding how to list my body type. I’m 5’3″ and an hourglass-ish size 10, so while I’m not obese, I’m definitely not “athletic and toned.” I chose pictures that I think accurately show this.

Anyway, at first I listed myself as “A few pounds extra” thinking it was an honest description. Well, two male co-workers were talking about online dating and mentioned that they’d never contact a girl that was in that class or “curvy”, because any time they’d met one in the past, she’d been much heavier than in her pictures.

I’m wondering if this is why guys will view me a lot, but won’t make contact. The guys who have made contact have been people that I probably would not have dated normally, i.e., no steady job or just a little odd.

Any suggestions?

Nicci

On the next episode of Online Mythbusters, we will learn:

Why women don’t list their true weights or body types!
Why men avoid “curvy” women!
Why men look at you and don’t write to you!
Why odd men with no jobs contact you!

You have to be asking yourself – is it REALLY in my best interests to tell the truth if 95% of guys are going to dismiss me for doing so?

The good news, Nicci, is that all of the answers can be derived from the same exact technique – flipping things over to consider the other person’s point of view.

Let’s start with you, because a) you wrote me the note, and b) you’re an online dating anomaly – an honest size 10 who doesn’t claim to be athletic and toned.

However, after talking to your male co-workers and observing that you’re not being contacted, you have to be asking yourself – is it REALLY in my best interests to tell the truth if 95% of guys are going to dismiss me for doing so? This is the online dating dilemma that faces MILLIONS of people each day. If I’m a 5’4” man, I know that it’s going to be hard to get a date if I tell the truth. If I’m a 50-year-old man who makes less than $30,000/year, I’m going to be somewhat handicapped. And few people face more discrimination than women in their 50’s and 60’s, who only seem to get email from men who are MUCH older.

Most of these people are good people – and yet they give in to the temptation to lie. Why? Because telling the truth is a FAILING strategy. This is the explanation for why women don’t tell the truth about their bodies. Simply put, there’s very little reward for having integrity. At the very least, heavier women (like shorter men) feel that if they can convince someone to go out with them, they’d have a chance in person….

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172 Comments »Filed Under Online Dating

172 Responses to “Why Men Don’t Write to Curvy Women on the Internet”

Michael Ejercito 1

Do fat men prefer thin women?
Marc 2

She’s to be admired for being honest about her weight, and I’d urge her to continue doing so. It’s not fair to her or anyone she’d go on a date with to show up heavier than she claims to be in her profile. I remember one Jdate incident where the woman had only a head shot in her profile, and listed herself as petite when in fact she was far from petite. She was actually quite nice, but I was annoyed by her lie, and it got unnecessarily awkward when she continued to contact me after the date.
Steve 3

I often see ads from women who write statements such as “I’m 127 but I have been told I can pass for 90″. Sometimes that isn’t true. It makes the person look like they are living in their own world. I think it is better to put up accurate pictures with a date stamp, a real age, and let people judge for themselves.
Steve 4

Michael, post #2. Yes. I think the film “The Tao Of Steve” portrays that attitude accurately.
Jennifer 5

You know, just the other day I was talking to my friends about how annoyed i was that the term ‘curvy’ is now known as a euphemism for overweight. It’s possible to be athletic and toned and curvy (ie., not have slender or boyish hips, wear a full B or C-cup, etc.) but as soon as anyone hears curvy they assume it means ‘big’. It’s a shame, cause it’s a good descriptor.
BTW, I’m not knocking girls with boyish hips or girls that are overweight. Just saying that neither one is curvy
Michael Ejercito 6

If those fat men want thin women, they should lose weight.
Robyn 7

Nicci, I have the same physical stats as you, and I list myself as either “curvy” or “average.” I have to say that this has not stopped guys of any type from contacting me. (The major problem I’m experiencing at the moment is that the majority of men contacting me are either over 50 [I'm 35] or in Israel – but that’s for another column.)

I have to agree with Evan about marketing yourself properly. I have professionally-shot pictures that get compliments all the time, and they are accurate photos (the guys say so on dates). I have a hilarious essay that guys really respond to.

…and I’m still single. But I don’t attribute that to my being curvy. I think of my curves as an asset. If you think of them that way, and market yourself in the most positive way, I think you’ll get more responses. They may not be from guys you want to date, but as Evan pointed out, there are always going to be more people you’re not interested in than those you are.

Just refresh your essay and pics – maybe get some feedback by friends (or strangers?) before posting them. And see if your response rate changes.
Sally 8

I am a curvy girl (5’7″, size 12, D cups) and have always stated that in my profile. BUT, the difference is, in my essay, my opening line was… “Ever see the road sign ‘Dangerous Curves Ahead’?
I was bombarded with replies.
Honesty about your curves is good, but if your profile essay reflects your confidence in yourself, the men WILL respond. I’ve been with a wonderful man (who is incredibly athletic and fit) for two and a half years who adores my curves. Hang in there, Nicci!
Ambrosiality.com 9

Just say Average!!

and if your more than an size 8/10 well say you meant the average American woman =)
Bev 10

I thought ‘curvy’ was an hourglass figure with large breasts and nice hips and a small waist. Isn’t that what men want? Do they really want ‘skinny’? I’m baffled.
Lance 11

I always find “curvy” to be fat/big when I do searches, which is unfortunate but true for the folks who are truly curvy. If I was Nicci, I would go with the “average” label. If she plays sports at all or works out, she could reasonably put athletic. If she’s not playing sports or working out, she SHOULD BE…the benefits go far beyond online dating.

I’ve never held it against a person if they fib a bit with their label.

I think it’s important just to show up in searches and let people decide based on your pictures and profile. While I may not be the majority, my first search is always slender + athletic and toned. If I don’t find anything I like with that search, I’ll expand out to include average also, but I only do the secondary search maybe 1 out of 10 times.

IMO, it’s a flaw in the system and not a flaw of the user. I have no problem with using the system to get what I want, and I would never hold it against someone else either. Hey, all’s fair, right? Don’t stress about the labeling thing.
Collins 12

To answer Michael in posts #1 & #6: Some men, of any size, do prefer thin women because American pop culture has taught them to. But one thing that people of both genders & all sizes should keep in mind is: Male & female are opposites that usually do attract, but beyond that, you attract what you are. And I for one do not equate “curvy” with “overweight.” I don’t want a Camryn Manheim, but I don’t want a Calista Flockhart either. I want a happy medium, someone whom I can hug & not worry about breaking her bones, nor about her breaking mine when she’s on top during sex. Looks may land me initially, but personality will keep me in the long run. However much a gal may weigh, her beauty will flow from the inside out.

And in reply to Robyn paraphrasing Evan in post #7 (“…there are always going to be more people you’re not interested in than those you are…”) I say amen! Whichever gender you are/seek, if you seek gold, you must dig through a lot of dirt. Or, to put it another way: Dating is a lottery; the more people there are to choose from, the harder it will be to find the right one.
A-L 13

I’ve got similar stats to Nicci & Robyn, and I put average. I also have felt the same pull as Nicci to be more honest and put curvy or a few extra pounds but haven’t for that very reason (though I’ve seen recently that more guys will list curvy along with the slender and athletic & toneds).

I realize my weight is more of an issue than it is for men, as no guy seems to have a problem with it, but I still feel a certain degree of self-consciousness. I just act like I don’t. And I also have accurate full body shots, though from the most flattering angle possible. I think so long as the photos are accurate, then the guy will feel he knows what he’s getting into and won’t be disappointed in person.

In terms of e-mails/winks from the wrong men, I don’t even consider them. What I mean by that is, if I say I haven’t gotten any e-mails, it’s that I haven’t gotten any from someone halfway decent, NOT that 55 year olds from a couple of states over haven’t sent me some spam.
Michael Ejercito 14

A-L,

You can always try searching for men and initiating e-mail.

I have received winks on Match.com and Date.com
Barb 15

Nicci exposes one of the flaws of online dating. WE (yes, all of us) find ourselves drawn to the perfect match without knowing the person. As opposed to when we meet someone LIVE, we can be drawn to a them despite the two-dimensional attributes. My two cents.
A-L 16

Michael,

In reference to post #14, I do e-mail guys, and don’t always wait for them to contact me.
Brian 17

A woman wrote to me whose photos looked like she might be fairly full figured. She was charming and very funny and we soon called eachother and burned through whole cell batteries at a time. She did tell me that she was ‘Curvy’

Not usually my style, I liked her well enough to get together in person. We hit it off very well and had a great time together. I suggest that at least for me, it was worth taking a chance on finding a wonderful person who just happens to carry a few “extra” pounds.
Heather 18

I have found this issue to be a big one for me as I started online dating recently.

Two years ago, I weighed 140 pounds and wore a size 6, but due to a serious illness and the prescribed medication, I am now 5′ 6″ and wear a size 12. I have been steadily losing weight now that I am off the medication that caused me to gain it all, but I find that this in between period has been very difficult.

I work out 6 days a week; I can run 6 miles at a time, etc and am, by all accounts, fit and athletic and curvy. Because I am carrying extra weight on my frame, I have found men to not be as interested and I have lost a lot of confidence that I once had.
It will probably take another 6 months to lose the rest of my weight (as I am doing it the old fashioned way – exercise and eating right – but to think it may take that long to find someone who is into me and my size is incredibly frustrating.

I have a pretty face, a quick wit, and am a good conversationalist… I have been on several dates where I thought things have gone very well, but there has been little follow up. I can’t help but wonder if it is because of my size. My profile (on eHarmony) has accurate, recent pictures, but I still wonder… Telling this story (as I have here) is not exactly something one should put in their online profile.

Has anyone else had a similar experience at all?
Jennifer 19

Bev #9- I agree, that’s also what I think of when I use ‘curvy’- it’s more about the curve of a woman’s hips than her abdomen. But unfortunately the term is used pretty loosely/incorrectly now. If people didn’t automatcially see ‘curvy’ as ‘big’, then truly curvy girls would show up in more searches and full-body pictures would provide all clarity needed about her body size.
Cilla 20

Heather, you and I have very similar stories. I used to be very thin (5’3″, 105 lbs) and gained about 40 pounds over last 5 years, due to medications, a knee injury, etc. I have slowly been taking it off (don’t weigh myself, but I’ve dropped two jeans sizes). I’m a healthy looking 8/10, but at only 5’3″ every pound looks like more.

I do list myself as “curvy” on dating sites, because I feel it is the most honest representation of my body. I’d rather have men dismiss me online than meet me in person and be disappointed. I liken it to putting those “chicken cutlets” in your bra to make it look like you are well endowed–at some point the truth will come out!

I never really equated curvy with being overweight–I always thought it was more like a Raquel Welch/Salma Hayek kind of figure (vs. Kate Moss or Jennifer Aniston). I mean, what adjective would you pick to describe Salma Hayek? I don’t think it’s “slender” or “athletic.” I think men have different perceptions of it, too, because some totally hot guys are willing to look at curvy gals, and some are not. I figure the ones who are willing to date those of us with curves are more interested in the whole person, and not just our outward appearance. And they appreciate a more realistic woman’s body, not something created by Madison Avenue!

I’m probably a month away from being able to list myself as “athletic/toned.” The question is: will I? Maybe I’ll stay with curvy and just put in a few flattering but real body shots and let the guys decide. Do I really want to date someone who is so hung up on physique? I’ve had a good response to my profile from the men who have taken the time to read it–isn’t that what I’m looking for?

And how honest are the men on these sites? I recently stumbled across the profile for one of my clients at work. He listed himself as divorced, when I know for a fact he is still just separated. His body was said to be “athletic,” although I would probably describe him as “slim,” and the biggest hoot of all was his hair. He listed “blond.” Well, what’s left of it may be, but I would definitely put him in the “bald” category! LOL!

Hang in there. And as a last .02, I’d say the dating site matters. I found the most superficial men are on Match.com. I have had much better correspondence from men on MillionaireMatch.com. Time will tell!
JB 21

I’m wondering if any of these women know that most men of ANY size rarely if ever get a response unless they’re a 9 or 10. Imagine if you’re an electrician,plumber or a mechanic of any body type. Unless they look like a model these men have zero value and get 0 responses. How about a male lawyer or accountant who’s “husky” or has a bit of middle aged “gut” ? No chance. Most women have never been a man online to see the other side of the coin.
Sam 22

I admit I find fat to be very unattractive, but I give a lot of credit to a woman who is at least trying to stay thin and who can keep up with me in outdoors activities.

Fat on a girl’s stomach isn’t appealling, but it isn’t as annoying as when a girl says that she’s tired after we’ve only walked a mile or two.

If you are overweight/curvy my advice is to try to seem like you’re trying to lose weight. When you’re on a date have a salad instead of French fries. Offer to walk somewhere instead of drive.

If the guy you’re dating is health conscious, he’ll respect you for trying to be thin, even if your heredity doesn’t allow it.
Susie 23

I’m 5″4, and I really am athletic and toned (under 20% body fat; cardio and weights, 5-6 days/ week, plus martial arts, yoga, rock climbing, ultimate). I find the range of people who define themselves as “athletic and toned” to be ludicrous. It includes those who worked out 10 years ago, but haven’t done so since then, and those whose arms are toned, but are otherwise fat. One of my friends suggested that they should add an additional category: “superbuff”!

I wouldn’t look at a guy who wasn’t “slender” or “athletic and toned”. I’m sorry if that sounds shallow, but since I live up to that standard, I hold dates to it as well. Anyone for whom fitness isn’t important, isn’t a good match for me.

I’d say, call yourself “average” or “curvy”, and make your main shot a really hot one of you!
downtowngal 24

Uch, all of this makes me think more and more how much online dating has completely f*#(ed up the dating scene.

I’ve seen lots of curvy/fat/voluptuous/or whatever women meet and end up w/great guys who like them for THEM. And if you look at these women it’s their confidence that attracts these guys, who probably would have passed over their profiles on line if these gals labeled themselves as such.

Same thing for guys under a certain height or income level.

It’s the whole package that people are attracted to…since when did we have to become experts in creative writing to find true love?
TMan 25

List yourself as “average”. Include photos and specify how recent they are in your profile.
Alan 26

I’d encourage you to be honest. In the end, once you meet in person the truth will be out. Much better to be honest up front and rejected up front, than waste time on someone who will reject you later for the same reason (if not also for your dishonesty). You’re not interested in those clowns anyways, so go for truth and try to attract men who are attracted to you.

Evan is dead on about body type descriptors. Because so many people are not honest, all of the descriptors have become a euphemism for at least the next one beyond. We’ve been trained to be skeptical about descriptor accuracy, meaning that “a few more pounds” or “curvy” or “voluptuous” all equate (in our mind) to “overweight” regardless of much else. Sure, photos help offset that, but photos aren’t foolproof either. The truth will bear out when you meet the person that’s the real test.
Cilla 27

Nothing personal, but comments like Susie’s are why so many of us are using “curvy.” There ought to be a website where all the “superbuff” singles can go to date online–bathing suit shots only.
Steve 28

Cilla, about post #27

I’ve been on both sides of the buffout-o-shape dichotomy a number of times. I’ve had everyone’s feelings. I’ve also had everyone’s preferences.

One of the values of Evan’s blog are comments like Susie’s. You aren’t going to get the straight scoop in real life,but this blog lets people be honest about the dating sphere without any risk. That information can then be used to help you get more of what you want. If not, at the least, the honesty is refreshing.

In the dating world, even ( especially?) people on your team are not going to be honest with you. Telling people what it is, is often a thankless job. Nobody wants to hurt anyone’s feelings or find themselves in awkward situations. They care more about avoiding those things then making sure you have a realistic appraisal of the situation you are in.
Rachel 29

You have to be honest to attract the kind of guy/girl who will STICK AROUND and be interested in YOU. Would you rather get rejected in person after you lie and get the date? Ugh. At any rate, Black and white descriptions are a load of crap. I agree with the ladies who said that you can be athletic and slim and toned and curvy — and petite too. I’m all of the above — five foot one, 98 pounds, 34 – 24 – 34, and very toned from being a Pilates instructor. I had a good friend in school who was five foot four, toned, hourglass figure, and va-va-voom whether she was a size 8 or a size 12.
JB 30

You guys are missing the question…”Why Don’t Men Write Curvy Women On The Internet ?” For the exact same reason WOMEN don’t respond to or contact men THEY don’t find attractive.

NOONE WANTS TO GO OUT WITH SOMEONE THEY AREN’T ATTRACTED TO.

It really is THAT simple.

Why does every woman on Yahoo think THEY’RE “average” weight ? What does that mean ?? The average woman weighs 200lbs ?? The average for THEIR height ??? It’s all an opinion, like the word attractive. Everyone thinks THEY’RE attractive….lol
and everyone may be to someone….I guess
Eda 31

I actually think that the self assessment of one’s body size should just be eliminated from online dating sites. As Evan has indicated, telling the truth is often a losing strategy, and even when a person is inclined to tell the truth, he/she still wants to describe him/herself in the most positive light — that’s why women say they are curvy as opposed to fat and that’s why men say they are big like football players as opposed to fat. So, instead of being forced to describe themselves, people should just be required to submit at least one viewable full body date stamped photo that must be updated annually. This way, the men/women viewing the person’s profile can decide for themselves, based on the photo, whether or not they find the person physically attractive.
Susie 32

If it’s any consolation to women who are curvy, keep in mind that some of us athletic types stay that way partly because we can’t manage “curvy”. If I gain weight (and I’ve been 20 lbs heavier than I am now), I don’t get curvy – I lose my waist very quickly, and just look blocky. I have flat-chested, slender friends who just get bellies when they gain weight, and they don’t look good.

Hourglass figures don’t generally have that problem, so consider yourselves fortunate!

And if you want someone conventionally attractive, when you are less so, the best bet is to meet in person (not online), and wow them with your personality. That goes a long way, and there are a lot of overtly mismatched couples who are perfect for each other, and found that out in person.

To each his/her own, right?
Tyler Moss 33

This is actually very interesting. Most guys I know play the numbers game when it comes to online dating. They usually contact lots of women even if their profile says curvy. I’m not even sure if they take much time to read most womens profiles.
Markus 34

I have to echo Susie’s post. Look, fair or not, I’m 39 and work my ass off to stay in this shape. I’m not saying you need to be a gym rat, I don’t even go to a gym, but in the end it’s just something else that people want to have in common.
Ceilisundancer 35

I say to be honest, and if someone overlooks you for the wrong reason, it’s his loss. A girlfriend and I both filled out an online dating survey years ago. She’d chose the answers that she thought would get her more responses, and were within the range of true. I’d rather let others and myself move on if we’re not going to be a good match. As for guys who fib a bit? I may overlook a little bit, say, the height’s off by an inch, or the weight by a few pounds, but being off by a lot, in a lot of areas (divorced 3 times, and 40 pounds heavier, and, well, I didn’t have as much respect for that guy just for his misrepresentation).
vino 36

Interesting how the concepts of size have changed over time. I remember a conversation with a girl I went out once with…

Her: How big is your dog?
Me: About 95 lbs
Her: That’s about the same as me!
Me: How much do you weigh again?
Her: 116
Me: And how tall are you?
Her: 5’2″
Me: Really?
pause….
Her: ‘Cause I’m a size zero in some makers.
Me: Honey, today’s size zero is yesterday’s size six

Ok, it’s harsh. Man, she was egotistical, and needed a bit of a reality check. Was that the way to go? Perhaps not. But she was on the cusp of cushy.

The reality is that both sexes today are larger than they used to be. I think the size manipulation on ladies’ clothes don’t help. It’s deceptive marketing. The above story, while a bit harsh (and true, I might add), indicates the different perspectives. Simply put, guys in general don’t want ‘curvy’ women. That’s a euphemism for ‘fat’ to the vast majority of male visitors to dating sites.

Kudos for being honest. But, I’d suggest that the OP might better spend her time in other arenas – hiking clubs, book clubs, softball leagues, etc…where she’ll get more mileage out of personality.
Eda 37

After reading this blog for months, my question is what type of woman (or man for that matter) IS actually having success with on-line dating? It appears that it’s not just “curvy” women who struggle, but ethnic women, women over 40, attractive women, unattractive women, successful women, women who want successful men, women who live in New York, women who live in small towns, single moms, women who have sex on the first date; women who don’t have sex on the first date, women who want to get married and have children; women who don’t know what they want.

I guess the point I am making is that it appears lots of people have challenges with online dating. I guess I am wondering why is it that “curvy” women are just about the only group I can recall being told that they’d do better off line. Is being “curvy” really that much of a hurdle?

Also, I’m really not convinced that a great personality can overcome a man’s physical preferences when it comes to body types. If a man typically likes blondes and he meets an awesome redhead, yeah, I think he can compromise. But if a man likes thin, toned, athletic women, I think it’s highly unlikely that a “curvy” girl with a winning personality is someone he’ll want to be with long term. Yes, he might go out with her and even have sex with her, but I think it’s rare that men stay with women they don’t find physically attractive. I would actually argue that I don’t even think it’s a good idea for a woman to go out with a man who doesn’t find her physically attractive. Once I went out with a guy who made a point of telling me several times that I was not the typical woman he would date because, at the time, I was quite overweight . I did not deceive him about my weight so I was quite surprised by his behavior. He acted as if he was doing me a great favor by going out with me. Needless to say, I had no interest in going out with him again. I never want to be with someone who doesn’t find me attractive and I just don’t think men can make themselves like something they don’t. Am I wrong?
Steve 38

It seems like that much of what Evan does is gently getting people to accept realities they are already aware of and encouraging them to work with those realities.

It isn’t late breaking news that people, especially men, tend to be looks driven. It isn’t late breaking news that most women like successful men, that most women like men who are taller than they are, that most people prefer to date people who are not dramatically outside of their age range.

If people accepted reality, Evan would be out of a career. However, so would most psychologists and day time talk show hosts.
Markus 39

@ vino, that was pretty harsh man.

@Eda, lots of people have success online dating. Is it hard? In most cases yes. And define success? Is it not “success” until you’re in a LTR for a year? I’m just trying to understand. It is hard though. To me, what makes it hardest is always thinking there’s something better out there. I’ve done it and try to curb it but without settling. I just started seeing an incredible woman I met on match. Hope it works out. BTW, I’m 39, she’s 43 and put “about avg” in her profile. She was being too hard on herself.
Steve 40

Eda;
About post #37

I can’t speak for all men, but I think you are right. Given a choice, men prefer not to stay with women that they do not find physically attractive. Other things do matter to us a lot, but visual attraction is always going to be a card in the deck.

Not all men want or even like the look of fashion models. If a woman keeps herself in good shape and has a decent face she can play her other cards to make a man be happy to be with her.
Dating Headshots 41

First off, don’t give up after just two months! Noone finds their perfect match in that amount of time. Online Dating can be very frustrating!

There are a lot of good answers here from readers. Like many said, don’t worry, lots of men LOVE curvey woman. Lots of men actually have little interest in models, they really find them too skinny (and tall). That media model archetype causes so much frustration for normal women.

I’d go with what a few others said: Rewrite your profile and reexamine the photos you’ve picked. This is all that people have to go on. Does your profile just list your likes/dislikes but not show off your personality? Look at it like an advertiser would: Does this make me want to take action and buy? If not then write it again. Could you have better profile photos? Lots of people use photos that are okay but don’t make them look their best.
Selena 42

116 lbs. is overweight? Dunno. I’m about 5’3″ and I must say I’ve gotten alot more compliments being 115 lbs. than I did the year I weighed 97-103 lbs. Guess some men do prefer curves over planes, go figure. Cushy…funny.
Mike 43

I personally allow for “Curvy” in my searches…I look at the photos to decide if the girl’s definition of “curvy” matches my definition. I do like curves and don’t mind a couple of extra pounds! But what does scare me a bit is that “curvy” today may end up being more than a few extra pounds down the road, especially after marriage. Yes, I’m looking to settle down and get married. I had heard a quote once that the average woman gains 15 lb in the first year after marriage! It seems like there is truth to the phrase that women marry men hoping that they will change, and men marry women hoping that they won’t.
Sam 44

I’m on the side of Susie with this issue. If you hold yourself to a standard in something, you aren’t doing anything wrong in expecting the same standard from a person you date.

I don’t have a body like Apollo, but I’m really active. I don’t want a thin woman to be able to show off, I would like a thin woman because chances are she’s someone who would like to go kayaking, hiking, biking, and running with me.

I’m not a couch potato looking for someone who has the athleticism which I don’t have.

I’m not holding girls to impossible standards either. The women in the Dove “real women” commercials look great to me.

But if you go weeks without breaking a sweat, then, I hate to say it, I’m going to be turned off.
Eda 45

I think both men and women gain weight after marriage.
Selena 46

Mike,
It’s been my observation both men and women gain weight simply as they age. Not all, but take a look at those around you over 30. Over 35, 40, 50. If you marry young–young-ish, the chances of both your partner and yourself gaining weight down the road are highly likely.

And sometimes pregnancies have a cumulative effect as well. Something to reconcile yourself to if you are hoping to have kids with your size 2 one day.
Steve 47

Another reason not to get married. It is fattening!
cinnamon 48

#47
With a little bit of magic thinking you can keep your youthful looks for eternity. Rumour has it Peter Pan has even kept all of his baby teeth
Curvy Girl 49

I’m pretty active (ballet) and am of a normal weight and have always had a J-Lo butt. I love it! And so do guys. So when I first started online dating I put down “curvy,” thinking that my hourglass was so cool and sexy. But then I gave it up because some non-curvy (very overweight but not hourglass) girls were claiming the adjective. Now I only use a site that doesn’t use any body type descriptions. No guy has been disappointed yet, based on my many responses and multiple dates. But I have. to tell ya, they should use the word “curvy” to describe some of these guys. What is it with the fraudulent pics? They say that women do the same, but I don’t date women, so I wouldn’t know.

And lest that “men are visual” (implying women aren’t) myth get perpetuated any more — WOMEN ARE ALSO INTO THE WAY MEN LOOK! I’m not going to go out with a guy who is at a different level of attractiveness, education, earning power, or niceness from me.

I am very happy to be dating a few guys I think are great and who seem to think I’m great, too. (There is one guy in particular who really does it for me…it’s not a looks or money thing. We just seem to hit it off.)

So good luck to all. Most of us have room for improvement in the looks department, so it’s best just to slap on a smile and give it our best shot. Love is waiting for us….:) !!
Selena 50

Good one Curvy Girl! Like your optimism. And yes, women are visual TOO. And often more accepting of less than ‘perfection’ as well.
Michele 51

I have been online “dating” for a number of years and as an attractive mature “curvy” lady, have found that a number of the men (online) lie, fib and fabricate about themselves. For what, I ask?

Exercise and healthy eating habits are part of my daily routine. As a CEO within an upscale fashion industry, those habits help me to function at my highest level. I am also tall (5’8″) and carry my curves quite well.

With that said, what could I possibly have in common with a guy who is (a) a smart ass know it all who makes one unfounded broad generalization after another, (b) shorter than me, (c) a fried food/sugar freak, (d) less ambitious than me or (e) all of the above……not a thing.

Am I shallow…..not at all. Merely realistic about myself and my preference(s). Furthermore I cannot be everything to everybody. Emaciated I am NOT. Healthy and self-assured I am. Most online sites allow members to perform very specific searches, i.e., age, height, education and location and that is exactly how I search. Rarely do I check to see who has viewed my profile.

I could date every weekend but have learned through experience to eliminate after the first conversation or two. Quite frankly was tired of meeting men who simply did not meet my preferences, even though some thought they did. And that has worked to my dismay also. There have been a few dates that captured my interest only to never hear from them again. Sure it stings, but life goes on and am grateful that I had little invested other than a few hours of my time. I am simply not every guy’s cup of tea.

If a man opts to eliminate a profile based on the “curvy” attribute, chances are real good that his inability to see beyond the curves……tells me that he’s not my knight in shining armour (or even close). Character and sound moral values are far more significant.

So, Nicci the way I see it is: Be who you are and be pleased with yourself. Evan is normally so gentle with the ladies who write and I personally appreciate his kindness, but do remember Nicci — like me, you cannot be everything to everyone. It really is a numbers game when all is said and done, so hang in there.

Good Luck and keep on reading Evan’s blog(s). They have been extremely enlightening and helpful to me.
vino 52

Boy I stirred some trouble. Truth be told, she wasn’t big but for someone in early 20′s, she had zero musculature, chubby face & muffin top (ugh). More importantly, it was coupled with the ‘tude of someone who has, shall we say, more reason to have a ‘tude.

One can weigh very little, but due to diet (or lack thereof), she’s still ‘cushy.’

Eda’s #45 – I agree. Reason – There’s no incentive to stay attractive. They are legally on the hook. Your fish is caught. The hook no longer needs good bait. Or any bait for that matter.

Cinn’s # 46 – I so don’t hope you’re intimating Steve’s immature.

Curvy Girl’s #49 is right – Many co-opt ‘curvy’ to expand their options when they aren’t curvy. They’re weebils (You know, they wobble but they don’t fall down). Problem is, It’s ruined it for truly classically curvy women. So guys don’t even bother with it as a search criteria.

Many guys i know implemented some simple rules when viewing pictures, no matter the search criteria – If legs look bigger than mine, move on. Big arms, no go. Double chin, no thanks. No cankles! There’s more, but you get the idea….
cinnamon 53

vino (and Steve)

No, it was not my intent to imply Steve’s immature (I’m sorry if it sounded that way). I referred to the comment, not to the person.
It might be that the comment was funny but simply did not appeal to my sense of humor.
It might also be that I misunderstood Steve’s message, probably because it appeared just after Selena’s saying: “It’s been my observation both men and women gain weight simply as they age.”

It is my observation that people (incl. myself) typically gain weight if they eat too much (in relation to their height and metabolism) and exercise too little, and that applies both to married and single people.

That being said, I’m around 101lbs and I would be concerned if the guy I dated was not paying attention to a healthy diet simply because I would be afraid I would gain weight while being with him. I can understand that guys who try to keep in good shape also may have such concerns with respect to women they date.
Steve 54

Cinnamon, post #53.
I was being facetious and I took your reply for that as well.
Steve 55

I guess when all of the posts are boiled down “curvy” is the female version of men using “stocky”( euphemism for heavy ), though internet sites generally don’t have the second term.
Steve 56

There are a number of defensive posts in this thread. I have felt defensive too and I would agree some comments have been a bit too blunt for my tastes. Those comments aren’t getting me down because I feel fortunate I don’t have to live those people’s lives for them . Those comments are also valuable. Like I wrote earlier, in real life people are not going to honest about the dating thing the way they are here. My feelings of defensiveness will fade, but I can take the information on “how it is” with many people with me.
CupidsReviews Heidi 57

Great points! I think that perhaps instead of listing your body type as ‘cury’ or whathave you, perhaps you should list it as average, but make a note in your profile stating that you are somewhere in between, and to look at your pictures for an acurate idea of your size?!
cinnamon 58

On second thought, just to expand on my previous post… I’m not dating on-line so I cannot relate to the “screening” process, but in real life a few pounds this or that way would not be anywhere near the top of the list of qualities that I would consider in a guy.
Susan 59

Sorry, late to the party, but this subject is also of interest to me. I’m a little heavier than some of the women here have admitted to being. I’m 5’6″ and wear a size 16 dress. I’m larger than fashionable, but I do have a nice figure.

On my profile, I have 7 recent photographs. In three you can see my full body. One is a swimsuit shot, so there’s nothing to hide. This is how I addres the issue in my text:

“I’m attractive, with natural blonde hair, big blue eyes, and as the little check box indicated, a curvy figure. Voluptuous, curvaceous–I’m sure that’s a dangerous way to describe yourself here. Yes, that does mean I’m overweight, but not huge or anything. I’ve just got a really feminine, and if I may say so myself, well-proportioned figure. But, I’ll be honest, if you’re looking for a fashion model, you’re looking in the wrong place. I look like the girl in these photos. I’m soft and warm and cuddly. I am really feminine. I like dressing like a woman and feeling like a woman. ”

BTW, I do list myself as “average” for the very reason that so many men won’t look twice at “curvy” or whatever. But I don’t know how I could be much more honest about my appearance. I’m wondering if any of the men have any opinions as to how I’ve represented myself, and do I sound too negative when I say, “If you’re looking for a fashion model…”

Constructive comments welcome. Thanks to all for a very interesting discussion!
Evan Marc Katz 60

My constructive comment:

Never say ANYTHING about yourself physically. Let your picture speak for itself. You just spent 100 words defensively describing your body – the same body that anyone can see in a photo. It’s a waste of space, and it calls more attention to your body than is even necessary.

If you don’t want guys to make a big deal about your body; don’t make a big deal about your body!!

(Other things not to say about yourself besides “attractive”, include “smart”, and “funny”. If you’re so smart and funny, we should be able to tell from your profile…)
Shawna 61

Gosh I love this conversation. This is the exact topic I have been discussing with my friends lately, who are of course married with kids, and have no idea what the single world is like these days. I have an added attribute to the mix, I am 6’3″ and curvy, I guess if that is what we are calling it. My weight is very evenly distributed and I am very athletic. I do need to lose a little weight that was gained during some of life’s bumps. So now I workout 4 times a week. I hike, bike, also a white water rafting guide. I feel confident about my appearance, long blonde hair, fair skin, hazel eyes. Recently I was given feedback, that I may seem too confident or self sufficent, which can be translated to intimidating and unapproachable. I am not sure how to cure that, I feel that I act warm and inviting, this feedback was of course related to “in real life dating”. With online dates I have had, most guys are very surprised that I am actually 6’3″, which is very frustrating because I prefer not to lie.

The problem with being 6’3″ and big boned, curvy, a few extra pounds to lose (or whatever we are calling it)…..is I seem to get so many guys that have odd fantasies about dating curvy tall women. It is so frustrating that I recently made all of my profiles invisable. I am losing faith in men and dating, because everyone that contacts me is from another country, out of state, only looking for sex, or has a fantasy they want fulfilled. Until I can afford Evan’s services, I may need to look into that idea that I will have better luck “in real life”. That hasn’t happened yet either, but I am hopeful it can happen.
Cathouse Teri 62

Well all I can tell Nicci is to reiterate the advice you gave her. The man she wants is a man who wants a curvy woman. No need trying to attract any other kind of man.

And believe me, lots of men like curvy women.

Besides, if I hear two coworkers talking about how they wouldn’t date a woman who lists herself as curvy, I have to think, “Would I date either of these coworkers?”
JB 63

To Susan and anyone else…. I agree with Evan. If you have CLEAR RECENT head to toe shots in your profile there’s no need to say anything about your body type in the essay part but I’ve always found it a little amusing when a woman who’s 5’1″ and 155lbs checks the “petite” box on her profile…lol The point being “head to toe” shots are a must in EVERYONE’S profile but the box you check on the profile should match what you are in the pic because that’s what people search by. And Susan, most guys online aren’t looking for “fashion models” or anything close.
Cilla 64

This discussion has continued to fascinate me.

Having great head to toe shots won’t work, if you don’t check the right box to get guys looking at your profile in the first place. One of the things I like about MillionaireMatch is that in addition to the body type, they ask about your overall looks and allow you to pick “you decide.” Maybe the dating sites should allow this for body type too. BTW, it seems there are a LOT more men on that site that are looking at curvy women than on Match.com. Maybe the definition of “curvy” varies with socioeconomic status?

Otherwise, in addition to “athletic/toned” and “superbuff,” maybe we need “curvy/proportional” and “curvy/a few extra pounds.” Or “curvy/average” and “slender/average,” etc. You get the idea? There are as many combinations of these body types as there are women out there. We are all so hung up on semantics. My vote is for accurate pictures with “you decide.” The other search criteria are much more objective.

P.S. Shawna, if you haven’t tried MiliionaireMatch (and no, I don’t work for them–just having better luck on this site), you should. In the last week, I’ve had interest from numerous men over 6’3.” I’m short, so the height difference gets a little extreme for me, and most of those guys really prefer tall gals anyway!
vino 65

Millionairematch….

All about the personality there, no?
Selena 66

Cilla-
Great points about having variations on “catagories”. The concept of -’You decide’ would seem to work the best, no? Curvy meaning something different to diffent people.
Cilla 67

Actually, Vino, it has nothing to do with the money. I am in a high income bracket myself and divorced a very wealthy man with almost no settlement $. I just got fed up with my mailbox being jammed with winks from Match.com suitors who had obviously not read my profile or didn’t care that we had nothing in common. I like classical music, wine tasting, and sailing. I get nothing but football, Harleys, and beer from the local Match.com boys. The Millionaire guys seem to have more manners and more in common with me. They also have a broader age range for matches and look at a greater variety of body types–at least in my experience. Not everyone is a match, but the stats are better. Not everyone on the site is a gold digger. Now, Suggardaddie.com–that’s another story…
JB 68

Ya know Vino, Cilla is right. There’s not a lot of “blue collar tradesmen” that are into “classical music, wine tasting, and sailing”.
Gee …. I wonder why ….LOL But I certainly would of thought and Cilla has corrected this thinking …… If I’m a millionaire with “high status” & “high value” I would most likely be MORE picky about everything about a woman. Why ?? Because assuming I’m not a “troll” I have a lot more choices if I’m worth 5 million right ?
So if I have an online choice between a “curvy” gal and a gal who’s in shape guess who I’m gonna take wine tatsting or out on my sail boat ???
Jennifer 69

I don’t think anyone ever claimed millionare match was all about personality.
cinnamon 70

JB
“I have a lot more choices if I’m worth 5 million right ?”

I might be completely wrong, but it seems to me that vino is one of the rare successful guys who do not want their attractiveness to be measured as function of their wallet thickness.
Cilla 71

JB, you’re partially right–there are a fair number of guys on the site (especially the ones from NYC and LA) who are looking for young arm candy, as Evan would say, “Because they can.”

My theory about the rest of them is this: they are guys in their 40′s and 50′s who are either still single or divorced. They are often self-mad men (not necessarily millionaires to be on the site, but income above 150K) who have sacrificed their personal lives to build their careers or businesses. A number are doctors or PhDs who have been in school for years. They find themselves looking for a mate, and they would like someone as attractive as possible. But they also want someone who, if she opens her mouth at dinner with a boss or client, will have something intelligent to say. Most of them seem to want a match with someone who is well educated, well travelled, and cultured. Many will come right out and say they are attracted to smart women (whereas virtually all the Match.com men in my area said they were turned off by “brainiacs”). Yes, they would like to have their cake and eat it too, but most of them seem pretty realistic about finding someone THEY think is pretty, who can also carry on a conversation–it’s a balancing act and a bit of a compromise. Oh, and because they have higher incomes, these guys can look outside their own cities and date across country, if they find someone they are interested in.

All of this adds up to a better site for me. I can’t tell you how nice it was to have one man tell me, “You’re smart AND hot!” Clearly he didn’t see “curvy” and “attractive” as mutually exclusive. Which brings me back to the semantics debate. Can’t you be curvy and athletic at the same time? Ever watch an IronMan competition? Have you seen how many finishers also carry a few extra pounds? (Hint: more than you would expect.) How do you think those people should define themselves? I think we are arguing about the wrong thing. I think it’s the language that has to change; it is altogether too subjective, too elastic.
Michael Ejercito 72

You have to be asking yourself is it REALLY in my best interests to tell the truth if 95% of guys are going to dismiss me for doing so?

The problem is if you lie, the remaining 5% will dismiss you for being a liar.
vino 73

The whole point of something like millionaire match is the money…it’s what’s being sold, for goodness’ sake.

Anyway, we’re off topic.

Thanks Cinn…I trust you are well
Cilla 74

So, Vino, if I read you correctly, if I actually like a guy for himself (vs. his money), I’m at a DISADVANTAGE on MillionaireMatch?

Maybe the owners think they’re selling the income bracket, but it seems most of the posters are just like everyone else: looking for someone with whom they have something in common and to whom they are attracted. It’s just that when you have some money, those interests usually change (wine, horses, opera, travel, etc.).
JB 75

Cilla is right. If a woman is genuinely is into “horses,yachting,wine & opera she’s not gonna hanging out on “meet a plumber” .com
No more than a man who’s into “in shape” women will be going to BBW.com etc… The problem with the millionaire site is …..I’m assuming their are no “millionaire” women looking hot hunk poor guys but I could be wrong because I never go to the site….LOL
JB 76

Sorry for the typo: It should say “I’m assuming their are no millionaire women looking FOR hot hunk poor guys who still might be intelligent.
hunter 77

She can be curvy, my only criteria, while going on a date, she must “fit” in my car. I own a small car.
vino 78

If Cilla wants to read my few words into her articulation, so be it. By the way, my aborted try at match indicated TONS of women who like wine, international travel, cultural events, spas, etc. Difference is, most of them make no more than $50k/yr. (Not disparaging the income, but the tastes vs. the ability to pay for it is questionable).

BTW, aren’t we off-topic?

Basic point – Guys don’t bother to search ‘curvy’ women on dating sites because sooo many women’s version of ‘curvy’ resembles the Michelin Man instead of _____(fill in accepted curvy cutie – older Marilyn Monroe perhaps?).
vino 79

JB – women rarely (as in almost never) will get involved with someone who has less $ than they, no matter how smart he may be. Funny how women expect guys to get involved with them if he makes/has far more $ than her…
Cilla 80

To answer your question, JB, I did a quick perusal, and the income range seems to vary for women, as it does for men. Most people seem to be in the above 150K range, with a few in the 500K+ or millionaire range. I think once you get into a certain bracket, it doesn’t matter if you make $200,000 or a million a year–your interests and ability to pursue them are different from most folks. The reality is that just like people want to date at their level of attractiveness, so do they want to date at their level of lifestyle. I guess if I met a soul mate who only made 30K a year, I wouldn’t mind supporting him, but I think we can all agree that contingency is a remote one.

Again, I will reiterate: I’m sure the site hosts a few gold diggers of both sexes, but the posters are generally of a different educational and/or cultural level. I don’t think it’s correct to assume they are poor women looking for sugar daddies. There are other sites that promote more blatant benefactor relationships of that nature.
Cilla 81

P.S. Sorry to continue veering somewhat off topic, although I do think the semantics of body type vary with education, culture, etc. Throw in language difference, and you have even more to chew on. “Curvy” definitely means something different for the LA photographer vs. the banker in Madrid vs. the construction worker in Scranton. Evan, care to weigh in?
Cilla 82

No pun intended.
cinnamon 83

Marilyn Monroe man, that’s a high bar
vino 84

Cilla, don’t rag on N.E.P.A….not everyone works in construction! Some even make beer down the road in Wilkes-Barre….Hey, I think there are more universities there than in all of Arizona. Interesting…

Cinn, would you rather Anna Nicole Smith? Ugh
hunter 85

to vino,

Mature(older) women get involved with men that earn fewer $. And they can be discreet.
Curvy Girl 86

Curvy girls: I take some style tips from Marilyn — it seems to do the trick. Dresses, always, that accentuate the trim waistline and the round bosom, drawing attention up from the round (but glorious) bum. Skirt flirting just above the knee, heels if his height permits. It’s a very sexy look, if I do say so myself. Would never be considered a skinny or thin look, though. But who cares. It works for a lot of guys. Not all, but how many do we need? (Interesting question….!!!)

If you aren’t curvy, technically speaking, but carry extra weight around the middle, you can also find dresses that flatter. A lot of women who are overweight give up when it comes to fashion because the industry hasn’t been too helpful until just recently. But check out some makeover shows/articles — you can really see the difference before and after. And use after shots with your profile!!!

Regarding the digression (why I love blogs — digressions are the POINT!!) I like guys who are more my equal in all ways — looks (nice, not perfect), education/intelligence (super smart without being elitist or boorish or condescending), and fun. Not every woman is looking to trade looks/sexiness/youth/charm for financial betterment, so these kinds of generalizations always sound so dumb to me. I don’t know who does these studies, or who perpetuates these myths, but there are plenty of us women who have a lot going for us besides our cute patooties, and we want to have fun and partner up with guys who also have a lot going for them (like a cute patootie!). And outside of the high-net-worth people in the ego professions, I don’t see many men partnered up with trophies — most people (I believe) want to be with someone who loves them warts and all. When we talk about guys, my female friends and I NEVER go on and on about his money or what he does for a living as if it’s some great selling point. So I don’t know who these women you’re talking about are. We have good jobs/careers, so we like being with guys who have the same thing going on, but what’s wrong with that? We do talk about guys’ attractiveness, though. One friend hates bald; one isn’t sure about the suitor with the hairy body, even though the sex is great; I have a problem with regional accents. None of us is overweight and so overweight is a turn-off no matter how much money he makes; some of us are very active, and so sedentary, even if he’s skinny, might not work. See? Lots of talk about physical attractiveness here; no wallet-chasing.

My advice to guys? Stop moaning and groaning about wallet-chasing women, and find another kind of gal — one with a job she loves and a bright mind and ready smile. We’re much more fun, anyway, and some of us have cute, generous curvy-girl butts.
Cathouse Teri 87

Amen to that, sister!
cinnamon 88

vino,
#84
no, Lara Croft, if anything

I don’t know why, but this constant returns to money issues makes me feel a bit jalous of all these people who married their college/university sweetie.
cinnamon 89

uhhh, I really miss the Edit button here…
Michael Ejercito 90

Maybe curvy women look better in person.
hunter 91

to curvy girl,

Can you elaborate on the term “generous curvy-girl butt.” LOL!
hunter 92

to cinnamon,

Why didn’t you marry your college/university sweetheart?…
Curvy Girl 93

Cinn: I hear ya about that money thing. And it isn’t the women who are bringing it up, either. So what does that tell you.
Selena 94

In person, curvy women are sometimes described as ‘buxom’.
cinnamon 95

#92
hunter, that was rhetoric question, wasn’t it?
Lauren 96

So my friend Michelle and I had a discussion this morning on what these on-line dating body-types are defined. It would be nice to have visuals to go with those labels, you know? I think slender is a stick figure. Athletic and toned would mean someone with some muscle mass, who works out regularly and doesn’t have squish. In my mind, about average is anything between not quite athletic & toned and a size 10, according to height. So help me out– I’m 5’4″, 128 pounds, run/workout regularly (training for a half-marathon), I’m solid, and wear a size 4. I market myself as athletic and toned. Michelle thinks this is misleading, that I should be saying that I’m about average because athletic/toned should mean ripped with 6-pack abs, and regularly doing triathalons and living outdoors. Am I off the mark?
vino 97

Lauren,

Perhaps this description will help, though I by no means speak for all men.

5?4?, 105 – slender ( I actually agree with your description)
add 10 lbs of lean muscle (think more toned, shaped legs, arms, etc) – athletic. Think yoga -longer, lean & toned. Even if 5’4″, when I and most guys I know think of athletic, that’s what comes to mind.

There’s a difference between athletic & toned looking, and an athlete. There are some great athletes who don’t look quite as athletic (Charles Barkley vs Michael Jordan looks wise, playing days of course.)

At sports bar a week or so ago, one of the TVs had on the Univ. of Arizona-Oklahoma softball game. now The UoA girls looked like, well, girls. Lean, yet more than capable of performing (I think they were winning). In contrast, the Oklahoma girls look like the football team. They were HUGE, and not in a good way. Good athletes, yes, but what guys think about when ‘athletic’ body type is described in dating, no.
hunter 98

to cinnamon,

I suppose I get no response…hmmm
hunter 99

to curvy girl,

Most men agree with you about the existence of women that are not into “wallet chasing.”

According to research and studies the non wallet chasers are in a much smaller pool of available women.
cinnamon 100

to hunter,

things don’t always go the way you want them to. that’s probably the best answer I can give at this point.
vino 101

I’ve found Cinn’s heart is in the right place hunter. Missed signals, methinks.
cinnamon 102

thanks, vino… me too.
Lauren 103

Vino– thanks for your take on the athletic/toned descriptor, wish the dating sites would provide a little guidance on that front. I really do think we should choose from cartoonish figures instead of labels. And let us manipulate the shapes. So if I’m not athletic/slender, does that put me in the “about average” bucket? When I look around, I am smaller than 98% of the people around me. But that could be because I’m in Chicago, right? I guess what is most important is that whatever label you choose post enough current pictures so that interested parties can get an accurate idea of what you’re advertising. Hopefully the guys I’m matching with can determine from my photos if I have a body type they are interested in.
vino 104

Cinn,

No worries. Now if only I could get my Co. to send me overseas near you….(sigh)

Lauren,

My pleasure, though many may disagree with my description. A, good old Chicago, home of beer, brats (pronounced “braahts”), and deep dish. May have a bit to do with your comparables… Have a few @ Gamekeepers for me.
Curvy Girl 105

Hunter: Yes, that exotic animal, a “non-wallet-seeking woman,” does exist. Why don’t they do one of those oft-cited, so compelling STUDIES on THAT. I mean, we must contain a lot of cavewomen DNA, given that money and wallets for holding it didn’t even exist until relatively recently in our genetic evolution. And since these STUDIES are always using our prehistoric genetic predispositions to explain modern social behavior, you would think it would be a winner.

Vino: 5’4″ and 105 — are you nuts? That’s like anorectic unless you have the bones of a bird.

What are your physical stats? (Take that big wallet out before you weigh yourself)
cinnamon 106

vino,

Here where I am patience is the most important item in your survival kit. I guess I’ve learned it by now
Joe 107

The problem is not whether or not a woman has curves. It’s whether or not she has the right curves, or “curves in all the right places.” Essentially, the “right” curves are concave waist, convex hips/ass and chest. Unfortunately, the “curves” descriptor has been usurped by women who have curves in the WRONG places, so men have basically been trained by those women to discount those who use the term as having the right curves.
Karl R 108

When I’m doing online dating, I’ll search for “curvy” women (along with “athletic & toned”, “average, and “slender”). The majority of women who claim to be “curvy” are using it as a euphamism for “overweight”, but there’s a substantial minority who fit my definition of “curvy”, which justifies the inclusion in my searches.

I agree that “curvy” and “athletic & toned” could be accurately combined with other descriptions. Two years ago I was dating a woman who was “curvy” and “a few pounds extra”. Her dimensions were 44(I cup), 34-ish, 44-ish. She might have a few extra pounds (or so), but she looks good from any angle. A couple weeks ago I went out with one of my dance partners who is “athletic & toned” and “slender”. She may be 10 years older than me, but this lady is ripped. And last night after yoga I was flirting with a lady who is “curvy”, “average” and “athletic & toned”.

The same situation applies to men. If match.com allowed multiple build choices, I would list myself as “slender” and “athletic & toned”. Since they don’t, I list myself as “slender”. The majority of women would say that I’m athletic & toned, but 100% would agree that I’m slender. I’ll go with the answer that everyone thinks is honest, even though “athletic & toned” would get me a lot more hits. I won’t hesitate, however, to send an e-mail to a woman who is seeking an “athletic & toned” man rather than a “slender” one. She can look at my photos and make up her own mind.

I don’t waste space explaining this in my profile either. (I agree with Evan that it would sound defensive.) I do, however, put in a couple sentences stating how recently my photos were taken.

Like many people, I come across better in person than in on online profile. Despite this, I’ve found online dating to be useful in the past. I met women that I never would have encountered otherwise. In addition, when daily life wasn’t providing new women, online dating always did. Online dating sharpened my skills, so I was confident and relaxed when I began pursuing a relationship with my last girlfriend.

I was attracted to my last girlfriend because of her confidence, which made her attractive. I wouldn’t have been able to see that in a picture, so I would have bypassed her if I’d encountered her online instead of in person. This is an obvious shortcoming of online dating. We can discover the less important details about someone long before we know anything about their personality. If you meet someone in any other environment, their personality is one of the first things you notice.

Similarly, I probably wouldn’t have stood a chance with the woman that I was out with on Monday if I’d encountered her anywhere except a dance floor. She happened to meet me under the circumstances where I’m the most confident with women, where I’m pursuing one of my passions, and where I’m quite competent. Because of this quirk of fate, this MD and professor is interested in me even though she’s more intelligent, better educated, and has an income that’s some multiple of mine … and she’s even my equal as a dancer.

Ironically, she’s probably also doing better in person than she would be if she was searching online. As a thin and pretty 34-year-old, she’d be receiving hundreds of e-mails from men who didn’t remotely meet her criteria. Instead, she’s spending time with someone who is nearly her intellectual equal, not at all intimidated by her intelligence or success, shares her interests in music, dancing and yoga, and who lives within 2 miles of her.

And to close (somewhat) on topic:
This thread has reminded me that I need to find out whether the curvy brunette at yoga still has a boyfriend….
Craig 109

Based on Lauren’s description in post # 96, I’d go with athletic and toned as her body type. My girlfriend is 5’7 1/2, 120 lbs. and wears a size 2. She’s best described as slender. Though built a little differently, you’re both probably look equally thin, but you just weigh more because muscle weighs a lot. So you would attract the same thin women-seeking guys as her. Athletic & toned women are basically thin but with some denser muscle and definition. They may also have the bigger boobs slender women often lack. Keep in mind that a woman can be thin and yet still be described as curvy if she has a big chest and wider hips – Salma hayek and Eva Mendes are examples. The thing with the term curvy that has scared guys off is that many really big women have adopted it to describe themselves, thus throwing off its originally intended meaning. Bigger women like to use Marilyn Monroe as their rallying cry, claiming she was a size 10-12. In reality, Marilyn was various sizes during her life, being the heaviest at the end. During her hey day when most of the famous pictures were taken of her, she was a modern day size 4 who had big breasts and wide hips.

Even the term average is being appropriated by women who are misusing it. Average should mean a woman who’s not thin, but not overy fat either like say someone of average height wearing a size 8-10. That said, you can’t even rely on dress size as an indicator because of they effect of height. I dated a 5’10, 145 lb. volleyball player who was a slender size 8. The problem is that because the average woman in America is now a size 14, some think they can call themselves average. But a size 14 ain’t average anywhere but America. By worldwide standards, that size is huge. Try and find clothes that size in places like Italy or in Asia. You can’t. Their idea of plus sizes are an American 8-10. Thus the best thing a woman (or man) should do is post full body shots and let the public decide if your body type is for them instead of relying on written description which is relative depending on who you ask.
vino 110

Curvy Girl,

Please see Craig’s #109 for a good perspective. Makes lots of sense, esp. the last paragraph.

“Vino: 5?4? and 105 are you nuts? That’s like anorectic unless you have the bones of a bird.”
- I did say that was slender, not linebacker-ish.

“What are your physical stats? (Take that big wallet out before you weigh yourself)”
- This thread isn’t about me….It’s about curvy girls getting interest online.

Cinn,

So true. So true.
Lauren 111

Thanks, Craig! I was beginning to lose faith in online dating after being compared to a hefty she-man softball player and Charles Barkley. OMG, seriously?!?! I am thin and attractive, and can boast that I earn a $1/4MM yr. working as an attorney. It’s not easy to put in time at the gym and on the running trails while billing my hours. But I digress… the last time I weighed 105 was when I was a weight-obsessed undergrad. I was constantly low on energy and temperamental. Today, if I didn’t have a profession you can bet I would spend several hours at the gym every day. But I think guys are probably attracted to me for a multitude of reasons, and my intellect may be one of them. As a general rule, if a guy prefers someone who is slender/ athletic-toned, then I steer clear. But if a man is open to athletic-toned/about average and expresses interest after viewing my photos I think he has a good idea of what to expect. Thanks for your comment!
hunter 112

to curvygirl

about #105, “oft cited and so compelling studies.” I am like the parrot, I only repeat what I hear. And I heard that statistic at a singles seminar. If you care to, next time you are in the L.A. area, look up a 70 year old Harvard Certified therapist, and tell her what you think of the research and studies she has been doing for the last 30 years………
vino 113

Hmmmm

I read Lauren’s post #111, and don’t see where it was previously intimated she’s compared directly to Charles Barkley, etc. Wasn’t the intent at all and don’t see how it could be construed as such.

Was intentionally writing in generalities to avoid that conclusion.

*sigh*
starthrower68 114

God help us all when size 10-12 is now considered fat or overweight. I am a size 22 and I’m smart, witty, a great conversationalist, outgoing, and have a nice face. If I’m rejected for not having the perfect body type, so be it. I’m not going to blame myself for the preferences of others.
Curvy Girl 115

5′ 4″ and 105 lbs is a BMI of 18, which is considered underweight, not normal or slender.

5’7.5″ and 120 is 18.5, the lowest BMI considered to be normal/average/healthy. (Normal/average/healty is a BMI of 18.5 to 23.)

I know many, many dancers with “underweight” BMIs and this discussion goes on endlessly among them. They have gorgeous bodies, all super skinny and athletic, and all they can do is recount obsessively what they ate that day and how much they exercised and who said what about their body and what guy came onto them and how awful their boyfriends are and look how fat I am and holy god it is tedious. Hardly any adult person living in the US of A is underweight without doing a hell of a lot of insane stuff to stay that way.

Give me a normal BMI and a normal conversation and my lovely round fanny any day.
JuJu 116

Eda (re: post 37),

Some time ago I came across this very blunt article about the probability of success with using personal ads depending, as it may, on the person’s “rung” in our human “animal kingdom”. (Unfortunately, can’t post the link to the article here, as the latter is not in English.) It states that alpha females would have the lowest rate of success despite the highest number of responses, BECAUSE most men who resort to using personals are omegas, and thus do not correspond to those women’s standards by definition.

The highest success rate would belong to the alpha males (if they ever deign to use such a service), as there are so few of them in general, and especially in these venues, that they can really have their pick.

This is a general comment, not directed at anyone here, so please do not read too much into it.

I can provide the link to the English version of the work that delves deeper into the animal aspect of love, if anyone is interested, but I personally read the original and cannot vouch for the quality of the translation. I can say, however, that this is a scientific work and the accuracy with which it describes human sexual behavior is uncanny.
hunter 117

on Post #116

I have heard about the alphas and the omegas….it is really interesting, the energy exchange….
Arvi 118

Nicci, be honest. if the guys out there cannot accept you for who you are then they are not the ones you want to deal with anyway. Don’t waste your time on them.
JB 119

Body Type – Average ?? Average what ??
worldwide dating 120

I guess when all of the posts are boiled down curvy is the female version of men using stocky ( euphemism for heavy ), though internet sites generally don’t have the second term.
starthrower68 121

Hmmm, well I guess even when I get the weight off (doing Weight Watchers) I can forget it. I may never have the “perfect abdomen” (without plastic surgery) because I’ve had kids. So I will be considered flawed and tainted. So be it then. I’m getting in shape for ME anyway.
Karl R 122

There’s a strong tendency for people to describe themselves using terms that are … charitable. If two terms could apply, they use the one that sounds best … even if the other would be more accurate.

For women in my area around my age, these are the words they used to describe their build:
31.5% about average
23.7% slender
21.9% athletic & toned
11.0% curvy
5.6% a few extra pounds
3.5% full-figured
0.9% big & beautiful
0.2% heavyset

The men were even kinder when describing themselves:
49.2% athletic & toned
36.9% about average
7.8% slender
2.7% a few extra pounds
2.4% stocky
0.6% heavyset

An ex-girlfriend asked me why I listed myself as “slender” instead of “athletic & toned” on Match.com. I told her, “I could be arguably described as ‘athletic & toned’, but everyone would agree that I’m ‘slender’. I’d rather be considered honest.” But my attitude doesn’t seem to be all that common.

I will look at the profiles of “curvy” women on Match.com, but I won’t consider writing to them without a full-length picture so I can decide whether I agree with their assessment.
Kristyn 123

I am not currently on a online dating site but when i was I listed myself as average, although in truth I’m more likely slender as I am 5′ 2″ and 101 lbs. I’d rather undersell myself than oversell because I’d rather pleasantly surprise someone than not live up to the hype.

And how I describe myself really doesn’t matter – everyone else is going to make their own determination anyway.
Mo 124

Yes I do like Curvy women but to me and I think a lot of other men it means different things to us. I think to me and a lot of other men we take the word “curvy” to mean that they have big breasts and not necessarly hefty. We men like women with big boobs. But it seems when women put up their pictures and describe themselves as curvy they usually tend to show the pictures as big boobed and don’t show that actually they are a tad heavy. But I think men also take the defination “curvy” and we men want that curviness to be on the chest and the rest of the body in decent shape not overweight. Overweight is to be described as overweight or a tad bit heavy. I think men are starting to see that when women put the word “curvy” in their profiles that they are actually meaning not only in the cheast area but also in the chin and butt area.
hamsterdance 125

At the time I was online dating last I weighed 195 lbs (I’ve lost 20 lbs since then due to some medication I am taking, and I’m not exactly happy about it). I’m 5’2″. I wear a size 12-14. I have a defined waist but it’s thick, and I do have some rolls and saggy areas after giving birth. I dress nicely and have never lacked for men hitting on me.
In my profile I put myself down as “ample” or something like that, and wrote in my profile that I’m fat, I like being fat, I don’t care if you are fat, I’m active and have excellent blood pressure so I’m not concerned about it.
I’m now dating a very attractive, lean and muscular, successful, and good natured man who loves my body. Your mileage may vary.
And for what it’s worth, I’m not a hyocrite. I have dated guys of all body types, from extremely thin to morbidly obese. I found all of them attractive.
Dude 126

Its a real disgrace when a truly curvy woman is overlooked by men because of the cynicism that exists in the dating world about women who consider themselves curvy. Decades ago curvy really did mean exactly that. It didn’t mean a few extra pounds or tipping the scales. Women like Raquel Welch of the 70s and Marilyn Monroe of the 60s were blessed with true curves.

Now thanks to feminism and women wanting more empowerment and of course political correctness renaming the term fat as curvy. We get a whole slew of bouncing jollies claiming they are curvy, when in fact the sad reality is that they need to eat a few less cheeseburgers already. They do not their fellow ladies any favours by making such ridiculous claims. If you want solidarity you will not find it among men, but maybe you might if you look for the chubby chasers among us.
Sheyna 127

@Dude
You are a disgrace. Women wanting social and political equality with men did not result in fat people calling themselves curvy.

Too bad there’s no convenient way to screen out misogynistic creeps who believe women owe it to men to remain 20 pounds underweight their entire adult lives — ie. to 35 since we all know attractive women cease to exist at that point right?
Soul7man 128

You are interested in men of a lighter hue or of a darker hue?
Many men on my ethnicity (darker hue) don’t mind women who are “stocky”, “husky”, “big boned”! Just be sure to take pictures revealing exactly what you look like! One of the comments posted here, speaks about confidence in who and what you are and “How You Look”. Remember that the photos you post… show those curves!
Do not hide them in clothing that hides your figure. The men you’re after will respond and the men into skinny women won’t.
Kevin
AnonymousWoman 129

“Men are still largely going to prefer young, thin women. ”

What’s considered thin though?. Thin to me is someone like Paris Hilton or Kate Moss, but I’m not sure how men feel. I’ve been told by a number of men with an hourglass figure with the large breasts, hips, butt and small waist/flat stomach. I have listed myself as curvy online only to see that women much heavier than me are using that word. I just stick with average, because I’m not comfortable using “thin” considering that someone might feel misleaded.

I used to be really skinny girl in college, but a lot of guys told me to gain weight. I’ve gotten more positive attention from men when I reached a happy medium between thin and fat.
AnonymousWoman 130

^Typo, I meant I’ve been told by other men that I have a nice hourglass physique.
Goldie 131

#126, this has got nothing to do with political correctness, and everything to do with people wanting to have a nice-sounding profile. Same way I’ve seen men put it on their profile that they’re “a social drinker”, and found out later that, in some cases, it means “I’m sh!tfaced every night and hungover every morning”. But hey, they drink with friends, so that’s a totally social event! So, no, women aren’t the only ones to stretch things a little in order to put themselves in a more favorable light. That’s human nature.

I’m in the same position as #129 – when I’m posting my profile online, I’m not comfortable listing myself as “thin”, because I’m not really rail-thin, but all other terms seem to have already been hijacked to mean “overweight” and “obese”. I listed “fit” when it was one of the options and “thin” where it wasn’t, even though in reality, I’m probably kind of curvy in the sense #129 describes it. Very weird. But, oh well, this is life.
Nicole 132

I wish people would get over themselves. Your paradigm for pulchritude is largely shaped by your own tastes and your culture. So I’ve noticed that white people love to say that Black and Latino men like heavy women, then in reality, the ideal for Black men at least would be, to quote Cedric the Entertainer, a little woman with a big ass…small waist, flat stomach, and chest size is largely irrelevant. Odds are the “ethnic” man messaging a heavyset non-ethnic woman is doing it b/c of her skin color and in spite of her body type, not because of it.
So I’m kind of tired of people hijacking what is considered to the be beauty standard of many people of my race/ethnicity to mean something ugly. I’m quite sure that what a lot of white or Asian men prefer is not what a lot of Black or Latino men prefer. I’m sure they don’t really care what you think of their tastes.
I don’t care if I don’t meet your standards. I meet some people’s standards. You probably don’t meet mine either, and I won’t bother to list the physical imperfections that I dislike in men but will point out that while people complain about fat women hijacking curvy (although I’ve heard white people call women like J.Lo, Kim K., and Beyonce obese), maybe you should complain more about the fat men who also hijack athletic and tones or about average.
It goes both ways.
But it also is a matter of personal taste, and just because you are too short, bald, old-looking, or badly shaped to me doesn’t mean that there isn’t someone who thinks you are perfect.
I just don’t get the irrational level of anger that people have when they think someone’s picture doesn’t measure up to their personal definitions. If they don’t, then move the hell on but stop complaining about it.
I mean, should men who are really 5’10 complain that men who are 5’7 or 5’8 “hijack” that number and make it so that no one believes the height of a man shorter than 6 feet tall?
The way people gripe you’d swear that no woman over a size 6 and no man under 6 feet tall EVER found love, and yet I see couples who are happy with each other who aren’t perfect, or I see people that you’d dismiss as being not worth your time with perfectly attractive partners. But maybe the biggest difference is that those people aren’t bitter jerks who think that they should be with Cindy Crawford despite looking like James Gandolfini or vice versa (“hot” man, not “hot” woman).
It’s the same old thing. I’m so gorgeous and awesome and no one will pick me on line b/c all men/women suck and are liars about what they look like.
AnonymousWoman 133

This is true, Nicole. The online world can warp your sense of reality. I’ve seen dating coaches that also give some of the worst and misognistic advice (not Evan, but others). I came across a blog where a female dating coach was trying to minimize a woman’s concerns about a man forcefully kissing her. What? If someone disrespects your boundary and makes you uncomfortable, you’re supposed to ignore it?

You’re absolutely right that there are tons of people in the world that will still fall in love with you and adore you regardless of whether you look like a Victoria’s secret model. Confidence is far more attractive than perfect looks.
AnonymousWoman 134

Goldie-I was reading up on ladies like Kim Kardashian and Beyonce. They describe themselves as curvy and not thin. But, the best bet is to show a full body picture of yourself and let others decide.
Iris 135

I agree with almost everything you have to say Evan, except one thing: “women know that men prefer thin”. I really do not agree with that at all. Yes, society is obsessed with thin women, athletic bodies, etc etc. but that does not neccesarily mean men PREFER that. Yes, there are plenty of men out there who would want a slender woman, but there are just as many men who prefer a ’normal’ sized woman, curvy woman, etc. If you personally feel this way about women (which you have every right to do of course) does not mean that that counts for all the men out there, just like my opinion about men would not be an indication of what all other women are thinking. The media really has brainwashed a lot of people into thinking that thin is the only way to be beautiful and good enough. Telling Nicci that us women know that men prefer thin is a lie, and I think we both know that.
E 136

I love Curvy/hourglass ladies but there are a lot of women now days that think Fat is Curvy and or think Fat as a bad term. Fat is fat plain and simple and Fat is NOT CURVY!! Also like this lady said she described herself ” A few extra pounds” that honestly scares a lot of men when they see the words “A few extra pounds” even with a good picture. If women are truely just slightly curvy and not at all FAT they should also put up a full completely updated accurate pic of themselves so we men can completely see. Nothing worse then being deceived and some men are guilty of that as well. But Curvy is super hot and like the lady pictured here she is hot and she is the perfect example of curvy, not fat, but the hourglass figure. Women that are pencil thin are just not that attractive cause they usually have really small boobs. It’s totally contrary to women’s beliefs that men want these stick completely size 0 to like size 7 women and to a lot of men those stick women are classified as anorexic or the super picky eater women that she only will eat like a rabbit and is super extremely hard to know what exactly those type of women like to eat cause those type of ladies complain a lot lol. Curvy is so sexy but in the right size like size 12 to 14 would be perfect (nice but (not to big or small) (nice big boobs are always nice ) and the waist that goes in just like an hourglass !!
E 137

Oh also I have to add that I think the younger men ages probably in their early 20′s to mid to late 20′s the college men like the stick slim ladies but then when men graduate from college and start thinking about relationships/marriage I think a lot of men change and go more for the Curvy ladies.
Single Mom 138

Regardless, much of this is superficial. Even thin/athletic people don’t always stay that way forever. It makes me sad to think that a woman (or a man for that matter) can’t get sick and gain weight or have a mastectomy or serve his or her country and lose a limb without second guessing their relationship. It is time out for all of this superficial crap and people need to refocus on what’s really important.
Ivan 139

I do not contact curvy women, reason being even though I just started on this online dating thing I’ve come to realize that curvy means thicker than what I like and I have perceived this due to the fact that the dates I’ve been on have been somewhat lies on the woman’s part. I do agree about thinking what curvy is to me with some of the comments on here, but seriously if your outline is not an hourglass and its more of a Kool-Aid pitcher, than that does not make you “curvy”…just sayin.
Mark360 140

Nicci, I prefer “curvy” women and seek them out. The Rubenesque period for fashon was, in my humble opinion, the best in human history for women’s appearance. I feel much more comfortable with a woman with “a few extra pounds” by my side than a skinny woman who, is thinner in ratio to height than I. Btw, i’m 6ft, 185lbs. 50+ and physicaly fit. The Anorexic look seems to be more prevalent now than ever in history. Sad commentary on society, I say. Anyway, don’t listen to your co-workers, they may have veiled biases, I.e. they may want you and don’t want anyone else to have you. Never know….there are many of us out here who love your body style. Be happy with what “your momma” gave you and who you are. We will be here for you. Be confident in yourself and know you can do whatever you want in life.
Kay 141

#1 Michael E-
Yes.. the fat men are only contacting the skinny women.
I know. I am about 40 pounds overweight. I am pretty cute, have a great job,
and I am funny and physically active.
The only contact I get is about 20 years older. When I contact a man who is 50 pounds overweight they flirt a little and give up.
Even guys that are bald and fat are not contacting me. I have heard the same from other women who are only 20 pounds overweight. An attractive friend of mine, male, who has a great job only contacts blondes with perfect bodies. They show up and want him to rescue them from financial disasters. Each woman has been a total trainwreck in a perfect body. And the hundreds of slightly overweight nice women with responsible jobs who are not trainwrecks go completely ignored by him.
I will not online date again unless I feel strong enough for 97% rejection.
Kay 142

Seriously.. when these online guys contact me I think, why don’t you call my mom? She’s what you are better matched with. I do great in person. I have many guys seeking my company on athletic fields and at parties because they know I will engage them in a great conversation and make them laugh. The trouble is, they are all married, I am in an all married with kids environment. I only know one single dad. Once in awhile I will meet a nice man, and notice that I never see him with a ring or a companion, but I am afraid to ask if he is single. I really do not want to upset the moms and have them worried about me talking to their guys. I just joke with them because I am friendly, but I joke with the women too. I guess when I was married and fat having hundreds of guys seeking my non-sexual attention was fine by the other women. But now that I lost a little weight and am divorced …I wish one or two of the women would come up to me and say, “hey I have a really great brother.. would you like to meet him?” I would never flirt with a married man, but I feel like the women suddenly view me as a threat. I cannot imagine how hard it will be when I continue to lose more weight. I might need to say I am dating someone just to keep my female friends. I was not prepared for being treated like a threat. I am not a homewrecker and I really don’t want to date someone who is old enough to be my Dad.
Mark 143

I can’t believe some of the crap I’ve read on here,
For myself I find curvy women very attractive, if I see curvy on the profile I will give people a message. It wasn’t that long ago that curvy was classified as the most attractive. Normally I find curvier women more ample in the breast area (if I wanted a flat chested bucket of muscle id turn gay) curvy women don’t look gaunt or malnourished.

Curvy women, be proud of who you are!!
Darren Chalies 144

You can call it what you will. Yet please, for the sake of fairness, post a full length picture on your profile.
In the ‘real world’ people don’t have to ask, they just know instantly whether or not there’s potential attraction. If I have to ask to see a representative picture, chances are there’s a reason why she’s hiding them. No thanks.
In the case of ‘curvy’, that leaves a lot to interpretation. Pictures say alot; post them people!
It’s just so tricky online, where the right pictures can sell like hot cakes, or the wrong picture/angle whatever, can send the men running.
I’d say, if you have better alternatives for meeting people, do so. Only use online dating as a last resort, minimal time investment.
SoPhi 145

As a woman who is 5’4 with a defined waist, a D cup and a J-lo butt I consider myself curvy but as a size 6-8 I call myself average on dating sites. I think I received more attention when I considered myself “curvy” though.
Promise 146

I do online dating too. What I would do is post a pic of face and post a pic of face and body don’t say a few extra pounds dont give measurements let them see u and decide if they like what they see. And ur right u shouldn’t lie. Marylyn Monroe was a size ten and if ur hourglass figured then u have a great body.
Markie Mark 147

People have to chill. Someone said, paraphrasing, in a previous post …you’re attracted to what you’re attracted to.

I have always liked thin women, nothing personal and no disrespect. I’m a small guy and thin myself 5′ 7″ 145lbs.

Some women like tall guys, it pisses me off but hey read the line above. Gotta deal with it.

I will say one thing the “thin” just gets me interested. If the woman doesn’t have a good personality, sense of humor and intelligence it really doesn’t matter what she looks like OR how much money she makes, I’m out.

Actually money doesn’t mean jack, anyone if they’re really dedicated and focused can make money.

Looking back each time I fell in love (3x) with a woman I actually fell in love with her personality NOT her looks. I know that sounds a little like well, crap but it’s true.

And when I’ve been dumped the thing I really missed about the person was the personality and sense of humor.
JulieAnne 148

I am going to be a harsh: Why don’t all the people who are worried about being viewed as fat, curvy, or whatever word you use, exercise? I don’t think everyone should be a skinny-mini or totally buff, but being overweight is a health hazard, and frankly, I want someone who takes care of themselves. Also, we all know that people gain weight in relationships. If you’re “curvy” now, he knows you’re going to be fat pretty soon if exercise and a healthy lifestyle is not a priority. Same for men. I have an ass and am shapely, but I know the difference between fat and muscle. Men love my curves, but I take care of myself, exercise daily and have maintained my weight because it feels good, makes me stronger and keeps me healthy. The added bonus is guys like my body, but that’s not the only reason I do it. People live in total denial of how they look and their level of healthiness, but if you don’t exercise on purpose almost every day, then you are not being all that you can be. Physical limitations aside, everyone should make health a priority and I think that’s the cave-man instinct that most men are responding to when they see “curvy.” Being chubby tells the world that you don’t care to take care of yourself. I see women spend tons and tons of money on nails, hair and make-up, but scoff at the cost of a gym membership. You get what you pay for and online dating is the great leveling field.
~ JulieAnne
Jennifer 149

I just want to point out that “curvy” is mean to describe a SHAPE not a SIZE. A woman can be a size 2 and “curvy,” a size 12 and “curvy,” or a size 22 and “curvy.” I think a lot of people don’t consider this when skimming those profile details. People also don’t take into consideration height as relevant to size -a woman who weighs 120 pounds and is 5’2 is going to look VERY different from a woman who weighs 120 pounds and is 5’10 -this is where posting current, full body photos of yourself comes into play.
When I had a dating profile, I chose to describe myself as “curvy” along with stating that I was 5’6-5’7 and a size 12 (and of course posting multiple current photos including full body shots). I figured, that’s enough information for a guy to figure out what I look like and decide if that sounds/looks good to him or not. Any guys who may have rejected me because they that I was “fat,” were no loss to me whatsoever, because I’m happy with my “curvy” body and not worried about those who aren’t. =)
For my personal preferences, size has never been very important to me in a man, so much as height… I think it’s a biological thing for a lot of women. I have dated guys who weighed as little as 150 to as much as 300 pounds and was perfectly happy with each guy’s body while dating him, but I do prefer men who are upwards of 5’10. I wear heels a lot, and prefer to feel petite -which, by the way, is a desciptor for a woman’s STATURE not her SIZE -standing next to my guy, versus the Incredible, Giant Woman… lol.
Julia 150

@Jennifer at 5’4 and a size 8 I am a curvy woman, I have large breasts, a small waist and a big butt. I describe my body type as average and then clarify that I am a curvy woman. I know that many very overweight women describe themselves as curvy so I chose average then spell it out for the men who visit. If you aren’t into curves you won’t be into me but I don’t want men to weed me out for the wrong reasons.
Nicole 151

@Julia,
It’s ridiculous that people won’t use their own eyes. There are plenty of women who fit into a size 8 who don’t have nice bodies, some are boxy, some are pear shapes, some are apples, some are upside down triangles. It’s not a lie that some women are hourglasses and don’t get big bellies even when they gain weight. Just like there are women who aren’t overweight but every extra ounce goes to their stomach or back. I have friends who wear much smaller sizes than me but still have little pooches or bellies that stick out that I don’t have even though I’m heavier than them.

I see plenty of men who are heavy call themselves average or athletic but I don’t really care, since I have too functioning eyes and can figure out my own opinion of what they are, which is in the end, my opinion and not a fact anyway.

But if a lady has a full body shot and you find your proportions to be attractive, I’m not sure why so many men are afraid of whether a small waist wears a size 2 or a size 14.

So if a woman really has a good hip to waist ration and a flat stomach, I’m not sure why you and so many other people want to co-opt the term curvy and I don’t know why people are so afraid of meeting someone who won’t become their husband or wife.

If you meet a lady and find her unattractive or too large, don’t call her back. Case closed. Pretty easy.

But at the end of the day, the downside to online dating is that it makes use think we have all of these choices and it sometimes makes us judge people that we don’t when we meet them in real life. It makes us hold out for someone a little more “perfect” even though that doesn’t exist. I personally have a hard time deciding based on a picture or personal stats if I’d like someone.
Lucy 152

I’m curvy. I have big boobs, big butt, and a tiny waist. I work out and I eat healthily. The fact I have curves is not a problem in attracting men. However I also have a large frame and that could only change if someone shaved down my bones. It’s no secret that men don’t find women with large frames as attractive. Although I’m fit and healthy, many guys will pass me over because of my large frame.

There’s some media distortion too. There is no way I could ever have a porn star body and have non-existent hips, disproportionately large boobs and long legs (I’m only 5ft 5″). But that is what is deemed to be the ideal type.
Julia 153

Ok Nicole, I can’t follow you at all, do you find it offensive that I describe myself as curvy?

I don’t think men are opposed to curvy women in actuality, I think they screen out women who describe themselves as curvy on dating sites because women who are very overweight describe themselves as curvy. Therefore, those of use who are really of a curvy body type who don’t want to be screened out would do better to describe as average, fit, thin etc.

Unless of course, Nicole, you are saying that at size 8 I am very overweight, which I guess can be at a point of contention, I am not but I am not going to argue you about that.
Yuri 154

I’m going to be honest here. I’ve had online dating profiles. They have Slim/Athletic/Average/A few pounds extra and whatever else you want to throw in the mix.

I am also a size 8/10. Do I consider myself a few pounds extra? No. I’m average. Why? The average American woman is a size 14. Therefore, I am technically BELOW average.

To be honest, I have never had a guy complain. I’ve gotten messages that I’m hot, gorgeous, beautiful, whatever. No one ever said that I was above average in size. Everyone said I look just like my pictures, even better. That’s something they said they RARELY ever get to say to women on the dating website I used. I didn’t lie on my page. I was accurate. How can I verify this? Well, every first date I ever went on, I got call backs. 100% success – no lie. Had they been swindled into dating a bigger girl, I probably would not have been called back. Did I swindle them? Absolutely not.

Honestly, I feel like saying you are a few pounds extra when you are a size 10 is you thinking you are obese. I am assuming your BMI is healthy and AVERAGE. I rarely see a size 10 female at average height who is overweight.

If your BMI was say 30, then yes, you would be a few pounds extra. I entreat you to use the search engine on your dating website and see what the guys look like who use that label on themselves. They are generally overweight. You are not. You are just not slim. There is a difference.

So please, give yourself some credit. Take into consideration what men and women look like when they label themselves as a few pounds extra. See if you ACTUALLY fit into that category. If not, perhaps you should consider changing it to something more accurate.

Like I said, I have yet to meet a guy that has been disappointed with buying me dinner.
Melody 155

I say that I’m curvy or a few extra pounds (both are true). I have no trouble getting messages and I have no trouble turning those conversations into dates. Some guys do like curvy women.
kay 156

Iv’e read through most of these responses and am still laughing and shaking my head……wondering, ‘what is wrong with you people?’ lol

Just watch the movie, ‘Shallow Hal.’   Melody and some others make a statement that is as true as is the shallower side.

I too am curvy with extra pounds…and I never have trouble getting messages nor turning those conversations into dates.

Matter of fact, they have ended up long term relationships…and the men I’ve gone out with are not jobless, less than intelligent, or unattractive.   But then again….I find that I am attracted to highly intelligent and creative men. The gym rat type just doesn’t do it for me.

Now…that being said, most of the gentlemen I’ve had a ltr with have been in fairly good shape. That goes with intelligence…taking good care of the body will allow it to continue longer. I do the same by working out each day and consuming a healthy diet.

After listening to the comments made by some of the gentlemen on here regarding ‘fat’ women…well, lets be realistic here. If it’s such an issue with the whole ‘surface’ thing…then odds are, you’re not looking that deeply for a ltr. Granted..there are many beautiful, thin women out there who are awesome people, as there are men who are gym rats.   I think, bottom line, if one judges with the eyes, and can’t get beyond the size of the thighs,…. then what they’re looking for is validation of their self worth viaa societal popularity call. Nothing wrong with that…just be honest about it and state it as such. It would make you feel ‘embarrassed’ to be seen in public with a chubbier girl. Love isn’t really what is going on there.
E 157

S*it this article is wrong. I love love love Curvy women but in the right way. Now days some women consider fat/obese as “curvy”. Fat/obese is just that fat/obese, it does not at all mean curvy. Curvy to me is hourglass shape with slight curves. Now on to curvy on online profiles as for myself I write curvy women and have gone out with several. Curvy women are HOT. Athletic toned, slender, about average doesn’t do it for me. About average there are a few women that have the kind of curviness but for the most part about average women are not that attractive in my opinion. Athletic/toned and slender are basically the same, pretty skinny, almost skin and bones, the calorie counters. Yeah I of course like healthy but I don’t care for skin and bones at the same time not fat either but just that little bit of extra is awesome!!!
Curvilicious Latin 158

When I was 45 pounds more than now, I never had problems getting the attention of men (even very fit ones) in any dating site. In my body type description I used to put “voluptous” (not “curvy” options in there).
However, I must admit that after my body makeover (proud of it), and going from a size 12 to a size 6-8 (depending of the brand), and having a kind of JLo figure with small waist, flat belly, nice rounded butt and toned legs; I got the triple of attention I had before, but…. there is a “but”….
When I was overweight, most of the guys that contacted me, said that they found me attractive, but they always mentioned that they liked my profile, because I seemed smart, funny, classy and a very cultured lady.
After I got more fit, most of the emails I got began like this: ”You´re hot”, “You have an awesome body”, “You look like a model”, “You look incredible young for your age”, “You´re sexy”.. and most of them, didn´t even take the time to read my profile. Go figure!.
I got to a point where I thought I should take my pictures off for a while, because it was getting uncomfortable. As a woman who consider herself a great catch in terms of personality and talents, to be contacted only for my physical appearance, was becoming a big turn off for me.
I´d say Nicci go to the “Average” description, and as she did, put full body pictures to show how she really looks like.
I think the best presentation card, is to show your best features in a positive way with a nice picture and a “catchy” profile, and let other judges by themselves.
However, if someone needs you to fit 100% into a very subjetive (as we all have seen) as curvy, toned, slender description, to be attracted to you.. oh well.. their loss.
Brad Cok 159

I truly want a curvy woman. Skinney is just not sexy. I don’t care what they list I’ll write to them and take it from there. Some of my best dates were with over weight women. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!!!
Dk 160

I think it has more to do with working with what you’ve got. The woman in the picture above the post appears to be curvy, but you can’t tell me that her in box wouldn’t be flooded with responses from me ( good ones and bad ones).
If you say that you are curvy, voluptuous, a few extra pounds or whatever and then someone scrolls over to see your photo…. And u look sexy or beautiful they will respond. Period.
You can’t look frumpy or bland and blame your lack of responses on being “curvy”
Nikki 161

Curvy, overweight women get used because they are starved for love. These women become meal tickets, and used sexually because they dont get alot and are desparate. Stop fooling yourself ladies, use the time and money you spend on trying to find the right description for yourself to loving yourself to make healthy choices and cut the weight.
researcher 162

Nikki 161
If you got educated on the subject, perhaps you would not be so hostile toward women.
You really should read about hormone imbalances and realize how blessed you are right now. When you are older, you unfortunately may be a victim to a hormone imbalance yourself, I hope not. I study hormone imbalances as part of my job. Some of these women eat way less than you do and work out just as much and still cannot lose the weight. Doctors are working on different medicines to try and address the situation. A lot has to do with insulin resistance, thyroid and d-chiro-inositol in your body. I don’t expect you to be a medical researcher, but just to assume someone is lazy because they are overweight and that they will give it up for any loser because they are “starved for love” is a very sad assumption. If you are not the one who someday has one of these hormone imbalances, I guarantee you that one of your close female friends will. Do you really suggest that a woman who is 30 pounds overweight should not be lovable because you think she is “not loving herself” just because of a medical problem.. for the rest of her life.. just because she really tried and tried and could not lose the weight? Would you say the same thing to a bald woman in chemo? She may be loving herself plenty and then she runs into someone with your attitude making it much much harder.
Lisa K 163

I read this blog w/some interest, although I don’t online date and don’t plan to for a reason put out in this post-”heavier people do better in real life than online.” Now, I’m not overweight, but the truth is that by narrowing my search criteria to the type of person I *think* I’m looking for-age, financial security, looks, whatever-I have automatically cut off 95% of the people who *don’t* meet that criteria and yet might make absolutely amazing partners, but would be received exactly as this letter writer receives them. She automatically excludes anyone in job transition or who doesn’t meet society’s criteria for “normal”. No wonder there are so many loveless women out there…
starthrower68 164

@ Researcher you are correct; however, the attitude in our culture toward anyone who doesn’t fit the ideal is like Nikki’s.
Magdalena 165

Nicci!
Just keep being honest so long as your photos are up to verify your size 10 body – which actually IS average at 5’3″ tall. Just think, at your height, if you lost 10-15 lbs you’d be a size 6 which is considered “petite” or “small”.
The reason for this is because us shorter gals (I am the same height as you) lose sizes faster than tall gals who lose weight. For example, a woman who is a size 10 at 5’10″ would be considered slim. But it would be harder for her to get into a size 8. She would have to lose about 10-15 lbs for just one size smaller..whereas you can drop a couple sizes. (only if you wanted to). I am making the point that these men who are usually going bald, are bald, or are fat and bald; actually (and often) believe that they deserve Barbie. It’s true! The ego of a man is pathetic. So, my advice is to hold to the truth about yourself and be patient for that one great guy who won’t mind you being “average sized”. He’s out there…he’s just not the common man.

Another thing I would do (but I am brazen) is I would write the profile with my size and photos and then add “and you gents who may be interested; please list your dick size and send me a full body photo naked. Thank you in advance”!
But like I said – I am a brazen bitch. But I am right.
Rose 166

Is this true?
I haven’t found this to be true.
Do men really find skinny women more attractive.
Give men a picture of Nigella lawson and Gillian mckeath and ask which they find more attractive?
Marilyn Manroe or Kate moss
Women are supposed to have sexy curves.
Anyway my body size is size sexy as my sexiness comes from inside me.
Rose 167

Reason I feel unimpressed with online dating.
It focuses on external surface level factors like this.
When what I am interested in is the inner core values and someones ability to do and be in a deep connected relationship.
If someone isn’t contacting you because they think you are too fat, is that really someone you would want to be in a relationship with?
Blessing in disguise that they haven’t contacted you and you haven’t had to waste any of your time with them.
Same in real life if someone isn’t approaching you because they think you are ‘fat’ thank god for that, yes please stay away and don’t engage with me as I wouldn’t want to engage with someone who judged me on my weight.My weight is not who I am
Danielle 168

Okay, this makes sense. But what about profiles that actively omit physical disabilities? I was conversing with what I saw as a nice, polite guy and we moved the conversation to the phone. After several calls, we made plans to meet up.
When I saw him, he was walking, very slowly, with a cane. He’s had his leg amputated below the knee. While the meeting was pleasant enough, the fact that he hid this issue turned me off completely.
Evan, the man did not mention any physical issues on his profile, nor in phone conversation. His explanation: “But, that isn’t who I am.” My argument (which I did not broach at the meeting) is, it may not be who you are, but it impacts how your capability to handle and contribute in a relationship.
I’ve dated men in wheelchairs, so I have no issues with dating disabled men, to a certain degree. What I can’t get over, was the fact that I felt deceived by his omission – especially during the phone calls. I said as much to him in a message later. His response was the same “It isn’t who I am.”
Your thoughts?
Forty, Fat & Fab 169

I think Evan’s advice was best… not to describe your body at all. The pics speak for themselves! PS – all you beeshes saying you have J-Lo butts, Pfft. Pics or it didn’t happen!
I too, have a hard time basing a future opinion of a guy on a photo and some stats. I’m way more likely to respond to a funny, honest ‘essay’ type of ad done by a guy considering himself ‘average’ looking (or doesn’t describe his looks at all but does use photos), than an almost empty ad placed by a ‘hot’ guy (with what little wording in it being misspelled. Also, ‘hot’ is subjective).
BTW, I’m 5’5″ and just about as wide (kidding) and have never had a complaint in person. Online? I would never describe myself as ‘curvy’ because it’s an outright lie. Honestly, I look like a Buick as a float in a parade if I try to wear a dress, and I wish all these plus-size websites would stop telling me I should! Look. I got a belly, okay? I don’t have great waist definition, and am small-chested. I get told all the time by men all over that I’m cute, sexy, gorgeous, etc., yet most have only seen my face or a shot of me from the chest, up. Realistically, I could spend my life being miserable trying to lose all the weight (I have tried everything) or I can accept myself as I am—which is healthy (I like to walk, swim, etc.) and sorta pretty—enough to land a guy who I know will like me for me, since I’m far from being a model.
I realize attraction’s important, but I’m just one of those people who doesn’t place physical attributes as “top qualities” for potential suitors (except one—I’m weak for dark eyes that sparkle/eyes that smile—they really turn me on). I think finding someone to banter back and forth with who’s smart and funny, sweet, honest, shares some of my similar tastes and puts up with a spelling Nazi like me—all add up to make the person gorgeous, in my opinion—even if they might be kinda average on the outside, initially. Not everyone in the world is a stunner, and even that is subjective to you and I. I’ve met some people in person who I found to be extremely good looking, just not photogenic.
For the folks who are listing off things they find unattractive in potential dates, I only wonder how many really good dates you might be missing out on with people who have huge, awesome personalities but happen to be cushy and have cankles or are too ‘skinny’! Get over yourselves! I mean, I don’t like how blond or ginger men look (if ever I’m forced to choose), but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t fall for and be swept off my feet by one, if he’s got all the right qualities that make me adore him. So I keep my mind open. Then again, I might just be one in a million people that feels this way. Meh.
I’ve been talking to a man who is super-into me just as I am (and yes, he has a spine and no, he’s not a doormat looking for just any attention). He thinks my intellect is above anyone else’s whom he knows, that I’m sexy and have a cute baby face and tells me I look 32 even though I just turned 40 in April. He dug out his guitar recently because our shared taste in music awakened and inspired him to play again and he’s eating healthy because he WANTS to, not because anyone told him he should. He says I challenge his mind, make him smile/feel happy.
In any case, I’m starting to think dating sites are an effing joke and a waste of time these days. I’m thinking of taking down all my ads anyway, since I really like this guy—he just happens to be long distance, so we’ll see where it takes us. I prefer to get to know people’s personalities and interests via G+ and go from there. And +1000 to everything Nicole said (#132 & #151).
Later, I gotta go break through a brick wall (eh, I blame my Kool-Aid Man shape)!
Beverly C 170

I like Evan’s writings, but I have to disagree with this one overall. “…there’s very little reward for having integrity.” This is a comment that Evan made about telling the truth in online profiles. How sad! The reward for having integrity is being clear inside yourself, isn’t it? Any situation that punishes integrity is a situation to avoid, in my book. Also it’s mentioned that women naturally prefer tall, successful men. The last man I was involved with was tall, successful, also narcissistic and manipulative. So now I think it’s best to put those qualities kind of low on the list of important ones. Which is why online dating is weird. You’re trying to find a good match among people who are misrepresenting themselves, and gauging people on shallow attributes that have nothing to do with successful relating! “Tall man = honest communicator.” No correlation. In that case a short, poor man might work out better!
vanessa 171

i self-describe as “Curvy,” as well, and it has not been an issue at all…i still get a lot of guys writing and complimenting my looks…i think it is really a myth that men prefer skinny. our culture happens to put more value on that at the moment (though historically, plump was worshipped as a sign of wealth and the ability to luxuriously indulge) but i think men are attracted to all kinds of bodies and i’d rather be honest. if someone is so shallow as to not give a Curvy gal a chance, it’s probably for the best…
Laurel 172

Bullshit!!!
When I was young and I was really thin for my height (6ft 2), guys hated me for my “lack of curvs” I’m only 22, I gained weight due to medication and haven’t been able to shake it off. If a guy likes you, then he will like you. End of.

I am honest about my weight with people, but I always tell them why I gained the weight, but if I am honest, I don’t care the opinions of others. I might not be stick thin, but I can script, direct and animate films, better than some of the thinner students in my year. Which to me is a better quality.