My Boyfriend is a Verbally Abusive, Physically Abusive, Emotionally Abusive, Sexually Unfaithful Man. What Should I Do?

My Boyfriend is a Vebally Abusive, Physically Abusive, Emotionally Abusive, Sexually Unfaithful Man.  What Should I Do?

I met this guy (he’s 53, I’m 43) on an online dating site, and our first and second date went so well, we slept together on the second date. However, the first shoe dropped right when we were in bed before the sex act. He informed me that he had slept with a woman just last week. THEN, he called me a couple of days after and asked to see me the very next day because he had two women flying in for sex, one right after the other, and he wouldn’t be able to see me for two weeks! Furious, I told him that unless he told the women to cancel their trips, it was over. He refused, saying plane tickets had already been bought, so I ended it. A few days later I get a few e-mails laced with anger, repeated phone calls and lastly, an e-mail asking me to forgive him, professing how he’d been doing nothing but crying since we last spoke and saying he’d made a mistake and wanted me back. And you guessed it, I was stupid enough to give this man a second chance.

We were in a relationship for 3 months and it turned out to be a living hell!

When I’d come over, he wanted to have sex FIRST. Whatever else we planned to do came after he got his rocks off. He started pressuring me.

He refused to divorce his wife (they have been separated for 6 years) who he shares custody of his 4 kids with. He told me he just hadn’t gotten around to it yet. It never happened.

Corinne’s guy is verbally abusive, selfish, and sexually unfaithful.

He still continued to take vacations with his wife and spend the holiday with her.

He started to become cruel and insulting to me. He got in my face one day and circled me during an argument and taunted me.

All the women he had sex with (including me) was done while his two teenage daughters and their friends were in the house, even in the daylight hours.

I would catch him frowning at me sometimes. He started to want to communicate with me only be e-mail. The phone calls lessened.

The final straw came when he refused to allow me around his young sons (who had recently come back from a vacation in Hawaii). He stated the reason was because I was selfish and it was always about, “me, me, me”.

At that point, I told him I was either to be included around his sons, or I wouldn’t be with him at all.

The one thing he loved about me was the sex. All throughout the relationship, he talked about how amazing it was for him. I believe that was why the “relationship” lasted as long as it did. So, Evan, what can I learn from this situation? That I was dating a loser and a jerk? Well, that I know. Anything else? Thanks!

Corrine

I have been in a relationship with this guy for eight years, four of which we have been engaged for. Before he gave me a ring, he cheated on me all of the time and that cheating sometimes included serious relationships. However, in the end though, he always seemed to be using the other girl for something that would benefit him, i.e. new clothes, new toys, drugs, clubbing, whatever. He promised me after I got the ring that if he ever doubted our relationship, he would ask me to take it off, as a sign that he wouldn’t cheat on me with the ring on.

Since then, we have had two children and we are still not married; a big sore in my eyes. Well, I had my newest child only six months ago, and shortly after I had her, he asked me to take my ring off. Needless to say, I should have known something was up when he wouldn’t come home at night but I believed all of his lies. He had a new girlfriend, and when he asked me to take the ring off, I asked him to move out. So he did move out and in with a buddy; that’s when I found out that his new girlfriend (with no kids and money) moved in too. The whole time he was gone he would always text me how much he missed me.

I let him move back home with the faith that he would stop talking to his ex-girlfriend. But he hasn’t, and after a serious talk, he still refuses too. He says they are not together, even though she wishes they were. He claims that they are best friends, and even if he stops talking to her it wouldn’t make our relationship better.

Jamie’s guy is a liar, selfish, and sexually unfaithful.
Laura’s guy is verbally AND physically abusive, selfish, and sexually unfaithful.

He says he loves me very much, but the spark is gone. I tried to explain to him that love changes over the years and you have to work at it, but he says if loves feels the way he does about me, then he doesn’t want it. I told him that I want him to pick our children up from daycare and meet me at home as I get off work, we could cook dinner, eat as a family, then just spend time with our little family. We could do stuff with friends or go out on the weekends. His response was “No, I don’t want that I don’t want to be at home with you.” I have put up with this for months and I am just really fed up. I want to be with him and even more because of my children but this is all just not fair to me. He seems so selfish. I would do anything to make this relationship work but he refuses to even try by not stopping talking to his girlfriend. So I want to move out, and I really think that’s what he has been working on, so I will be blamed when our children are older, because I moved out. So flat out, I think I deserve better, and I want a guy that is considerate to others, doesn’t lie or cheat, and etc. I am really ready to leave it all behind, but what if I hold on just a little longer and things get better? They did before we got engaged.

Jamie

I have been with a man for two years now and it was a wonderful love story. He has never been physically abusive to me but has displayed passive-aggressive tendencies, which I put down to the fact that his father was an abusive alcoholic who tried to kill him, resulting in him leaving home at a young age. His mother works two jobs, cleans the house from top to bottom every day whilst putting up with the ugly abuse from the father who sits around drinking all day. This is what he knows to be family and the role model of a woman, mother and wife.

So imagine the problems that started to arise when I refused to do daily chores because I have an extremely high-pressured and stressful job (which incidentally causes problems as I earn twice as much as him) and after working silly hours, the last thing I want to do is to start playing mummy to my partner. Major problems began to arise when my boyfriend’s best friend and his girlfriend from his home country moved over here. My boyfriend started spending a lot more time at their house and going out with his best friend while the girlfriend was working nights. To top it all, I got pregnant and we agreed on a termination within a two month period of my mother’s death. I became extremely depressed, and I tried to kill myself.

My boyfriend didn’t ring to ask how I was while I was sitting at home being miserable and became less and less interested in being at home. Eventually I went into his email account which is something I would not normally have done and came across a dating site. He told me that his friend had told him to do it and that he had not actually replied to any of the people that had contacted him. So I forgave him… And then I found another one a couple of months later and was so incensed that I told him it was over.

He refused to give me his key, and what followed was a bit of a scuffle, resulting in him hitting me and me calling the police. Since then, we would talk on the phone and sometimes even watch movies together in an attempt to try and rescue the beautiful relationship we had had. However, that all changed when I went out by myself one weekend and he called me up to find out where I had been, what time I came home and how many men I had talked to, and he actually drove to my home to call me a “slut”.

He is a lovely boy but I see that he is going to turn out to be his father’s son, not to mention jealous and possessive. This still does not take away from the fact that I am his first love, and the chemistry is so great many people openly express their admiration. What to do? Give him time to develop and mature a bit more, because essentially I am happy when he is not being insecure? Or do I call it a day due to cultural differences, gather my self-respect and channel my energy into understanding myself and what it is that I am looking for?

Laura

I want to make a confession. I was watching VH1’s Tool Academy the other day.

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH SUCH A TOOL?!

In this “reality” show, 9 frustrated women who are dating thoughtless, lying, cheating, arrogant “tools”, desperately try to save their relationships with these hunks of meat. Basically, a therapist puts these couples through exercises designed to teach communication, trust, and self-awareness – and the winning couple – the one whose muscled, spray-tanned, spiky-haired himbo is not voted off the show – wins $100,000.

Needless to say, I was riveted.

In videotaped confessions, each of these men brag about how they’ve got their girlfriends “trained” to accept being doormats. They tick off their sexual conquests – unfaithful sexual conquests – all while the teary girlfriends watch them like wounded puppies.

And all I could think when watching this show – all ANYONE could think when watching this show was this:

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH SUCH A TOOL?!

Corinne’s guy is verbally abusive, selfish, and sexually unfaithful.

Jamie’s guy is a liar, selfish, and sexually unfaithful.

Laura’s guy is verbally AND physically abusive, selfish, and sexually unfaithful.

What is there to learn? What is there to say that hasn’t been said before?

There are millions of women out there in this position; I know, because thousands of them write to me. But how low does your self-esteem have to be to put up with an irredeemable, disrespectful cheater for years at a time?

So tell me, readers, what could possibly compel an otherwise sane woman to stay with such an awful specimen of a man, when that man has given no indication that he has the capacity to be either faithful or truthful?

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Comments:

  1. 91
    Rose

    The answer to why is an abusive past.

  2. 92
    Jon

    I totally disagree with whomever has said so prophetically that people don’t change.  That is mularkey.
    The problem is that people don’t change UNTIL they see and recognize a problem to be changed.  People do this all the time outside themselves.  If they see they have a tire low on air, they recognize it as a problem and go either put more air in their tire or they check to see if the tire needs to be replaced.
    In the case of these women, it’s not their fault that they met a guy who is an a-hole.  That’s often the luck of the draw.  However, upon seeing that he’s an a-hole, they don’t recognize it as a problem.  Thus, these are issues that are inside them, and until they recognize these issues as their own first, their dating habits won’t change.  Until you believe you deserve a man who treats you in a way that really suits your wishes, you won’t find one. 

    As hard as this is for people to admit, people get trated by people this way when  it suits them!  If you aren’t demanding anything more from people who repeatedly step on you, then you clearly don’t think you deserve much better.  Because people who step on me get ousted from my life.  Pretty quickly.  So these women have to do some very tough soul-searching.  These are tough, deep issues in my mind and no amount of advice on the ‘Dr. Phil-quick fix’ level will solve this overnight.  

  3. 93
    simple. break up.

    Sounds like there is nothing pleasing about these guys except for the sex. That’s not even worth it. Break it off. They are a waste of your time. 

  4. 94
    judy

    Hm.  When I was a young woman, my husband hit me hard in the face.  We had been arguing about something (which in hindsight, did not deserve such a hard slap in the face or any slap at all).
    He was furious.  When he had calmed down, I told him slowly and calmly that if he ever did that again, I would leave.  He laughed.
    On another occasion, time 2, he had had a rotten day at work.  He came home and decided to take it out on me.  He lifted his hand, and I walked out of the room and out of the house.
    He then apologized on my return.
    The next day, I went to a lawyer, to find out how I could leave.  He went to work the next day, I packed up my things and left.
    Simple.  And then filed for divorce full stop
     
    However, it isn’t that simple.  Angry individuals KNOW instinctively which women/men they can do it with.  And in a certain kind of perverse way, I do believe that these women (probably subconsciously) think that they deserve this kind of treatment.
    He hits them and then brings them flowers.  She thinks, ah, that’s better.
    And then he does it again and brings chocolates.  He’s changed she thinks.
    And on and on it goes.
    Ask yourself the right questions and you’ll get the right answers.  This is what a man once told me when I said, “but he’s my husband.  Does he love me, or what?”
    The right question, or at least one of them is “I’m his wife.  Do I love him and the way he treats me????”

  5. 95
    Rose

    Judy well done you.
    You have to be able to leave.
    Sadly many women are not in a postion to just leave. Usually wives who are dependent with children. And their abusers know this.
    So if it hasn’t gotten to that stage and it is just a boyfriend get out, get help and get away. Sometimes this will mean having to move away if it is really bad change of name etc.
    Sadly the most dangerous thing to do is get restraining orders. The first sign is a push. It is all down hill from there. Get out and get help.
     
     

  6. 96
    marymary

    Stats show he is most likely to kill you when you leave.
    It doesn’t mean you should stay but have a plan and stick to it.
     

  7. 97
    judy

    Marymary – 96 and Rose 95.  Thank you ladies for this.  I also had a child who was very young and, in addition, I was in a foreign country, was very young myself and did not speak the language that well.  HE had his family as well.
    However, if us women and men educate our women (and men) via this site for example, we can teach them how to do it.
    I) You find out your rights (lawyer)
    II) You make sure you leave quick enough and have somewhere to go
    III) You make sure that he doesn’t know where you are going AND you are super sure that you are protected (by another man/by the police/by a shelter for battered women if you really have to)
    But first of all, you have to get out of there.  He can’t hit you if you aren’t there, can he????????
    (Or maybe I’m being naïve here – so far, I have never heard of a woman who has done the III steps above, being killed by her husband. )
    Please correct me if I’m wrong.
    The shit which happens to other people has a lesson in it – don’t accept it again AND teach our younger/older/more fragile persons how to do it right first time.
     
     
     
     

  8. 98
    Rose

    That’s true Mary Mary and why restraining orders are so dangerous. Women need to be smart make a plan, not tell the man and be ready to dissapear and make a new life.

  9. 99
    judy

    Rose 98 – great comment.  Why should you tell a man what you are doing, when you don’t want him in your life? I don’t see the point.
    Similar thing – I no longer wished to go out with a boyfriend and told him so politely.  He then sends me a letter a year letter asking me how is my sex life.  To which I did not reply.  Why I’m saying this? I don’t want him in my life – and my sex life is no longer his concern.

  10. 101
    Ggirl

    I had the same thing happen, and he wanted me AND stay married (separated 15 years, have evenings out w her,etc.) AND have a few other women in the wings. When this ON/OFF Bullsh*t finally wore me down emotionally and mentally, I took a giant step back and much happier for it. Had a few lite dates and then eventually met a decent guy a year later. When I ran into the “Old Jerk”…he was more like a pesky fly that I wanted to swat away. Still the same selfish idiot.

  11. 102
    tamara

    @Michele #88: U may think u don’t have low self-esteem, but most pple would disagree. I can’t really understand your thinking that having a horrible partner beats being alone. Really? I think it’s partly that desperation to be in a relationship which makes your partner feel he can do anything and u’ll still stay. For me, if the guy isn’t treating me v well, i’ll leave. Ironically a majority of men then generally treat me well–I believe ppl tend to treat u the way u expect to be treated.
    I think u should leave the guy and Not go back. Find ways to improve your self esteem, if necessary see a therapist or at least buy some self-help books. U’ll end up with a better guy this way, I’m sure of it. But really that shouldn’t even be your focus, your focus should be on being emotionally-healthy. :)
    I’m very confused by Rose’s (#98) post. Are restraining orders really so dangerous? I’m concerned. Because my ex-bf has never physically harmed me, but he has been sending me threatening texts, saying that if I didn’t come back to him then I’d be in physical danger. I’ve been thinking of going to the cops to give him an official warning. The crazy thing is he’s still asking me to marry him, he must think i’m as insane as he is.

  12. 103
    tamara

    Oh and that ex-bf in question was emotionally abusive as well, so I have some experience with it (although nothing on the level of what this article describes).  Many of the things he’d say would just make my blood boil. I feel being around such pple is soo unhealthy, it really can affect your blood pressure and your health and will age you prematurely. Ladies gotta get out of such relationships asap. Life is Way too short to waste it with some abuser/loser.

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