Am I Crazy For Wanting To Dump The Amazing Man Who Bores Me?

Dear Evan,

A little history…I’m 28, divorced with two young kids, they live at home. He is 37, divorced with one teenage kid that he sees every other weekend. Here is my dilemma…. I can’t figure out if I’m attracted to him or the fact that he’s a good guy.

You wait and pray for there to be a good guy left on this earth and finally one comes along and you find him boring or at least not challenging.

What is that? Am I crazy?

He is completely into me. Calls, writes me letters, texts, takes me out, does family outings, asks about my day, washes my car, is clean, is fit, responsible, understanding, compliments me, etc, etc. We’ve been dating two months. We don’t get too much opportunity to spend alone time so we’ve only slept with each other twice. It was okay, not mind blowing or anything. I’ve had much better, but I’ve had much worse too. He’s relatively attractive but not my usual type or taste.

Am I being picky? Any other woman would think he is a great catch. I think so as well but just…I don’t know why I can’t get into him.

He’s completely fallen for me, thinks I’m strong, independent, beautiful, good mom, etc. wants to make me happy and for me to be his “girlfriend” and I can just tell the L word is coming along any day now. I can just tell and trust me, I’m not wrong on this.

Another bit of history…

So he usually gets involved with psychos that latch on to him. That is – the complete opposite of me. I like my space and I don’t care if I never see you again. Guys come and go but my family, especially my kids, are forever. It’s one of the mottos I live by. I don’t need anyone to take care of me. A guy in my life is “nice to have” but by no means a need. I think I’m a challenge for him, which is fine. But on my side of things it’s too easy.

From experience, happily ever after doesn’t exist. Sure everyone puts their best foot forward when they’re dating but who’s to say he’ll stay like that? Am I just jaded and not giving him a real chance? Or is just the reverse that I’m just not into him? Then the dilemma becomes do I let this great guy go and regret it afterward?

Can you give some advice on this? I have no idea what to do.

Thank you.

Diana

Dear Diana,

I can only imagine that thousands of women were reading your post and nodding along at the familiarity of your situation.

It’s pretty much the human condition. The people we want don’t want us. The people who want us, we don’t want. When there’s a rare exception to that rule, we call it love.

As I see it, you’re asking a few separate questions here. Let’s break them down separately, so hopefully you can find a little clarity – or, more likely, validation, for how you feel.

Question 1: Am I crazy?

No, Diana. You’re not crazy. You may be confounding to men, but you’re definitely not crazy and definitely not wrong…. Attraction is not rational. We can break it down to its elemental components, but that thing that you feel, which draws you to a man? It’s not a choice. No more than the base attraction a man has to a woman when he sees her across a crowded room.

There has been a great deal written on this, and there’s an entire industry designed to explain to “nice guys” how to attract women. In fact, it’s been turned into such a science, that you might want to take a look at it. Click here to learn more from one of the original masters, David DeAngelo. DeAngelo puts into plain words what you just feel in your bones: confident, decisive, witty, and somewhat unpredictable men are the most attractive. Yes, it helps if he’s cute. Sure, it helps if he has money. But the attitude that plays the best with the most women is generally some version of “cocky and funny.”

Of course, most women outgrow men who are so cocky that they are unable to forge bonds with a woman. But the desire for a man with a little swagger never entirely wanes. I wrote about a man’s passion and proficiency just two weeks ago. In short, a guy doesn’t have to be a jerk to do well with women. He just has to be a man.

And while I hate to keep on referencing old blog posts, some of them apply specifically to this theme, especially this one, which says:

Nice guys don’t finish last. Nice guys without any balls finish last.

Which brings me to your next question.

Question 2: Am I being picky?

Let’s see… By your admission, he “calls, writes me letters, texts, takes me out, does family outings, asks about my day, washes my car, is clean, is fit, responsible, understanding, compliments me, etc, etc.”

So what do you think? Are you being picky? Or is there something more to dating and relationships than what someone does for you?

How about how someone makes you feel?

How about how you feel about him?

I think those two things are the essence of any relationship. And I think they get lost when we start focusing on checklists.

I speak from personal experience when I mention that I have broken up with some of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. I recall a brief relationship back in 2003. She had everything on my checklist – smart, silly, cute, good family, stable job, etc. What she didn’t have – what I really needed at the time – was a backbone. I just got the sense that I’d win every argument for the rest of our lives because she was such a pushover. And that wasn’t something I either respected or was attracted to. I broke up with her for a woman who was like a Sex and the City character come to life. All New York brass and Jewish sass. After a few months of phone calls, I flew to the East Coast to go on a four-day make-it-or-break-it date.

You can guess what happened next….

Exactly as I pulled away from the darling girl who would have done anything for me, Miss NYC pulled away from me. When pressed, she said I had 90% of what she was looking for – but didn’t feel the necessary attraction to start a long-distance relationship.

And, in retrospect, I’m almost positive it was because I thought she was God’s gift to man. I kissed her ass. She walked away.

Much like you’re going to do to your guy at any second.

So… Question 3: Do I let this great guy go and regret it afterward?

Needless to say, I can’t tell you what to do. You can’t force attraction. But you know that great guys don’t grow on trees.

I think the X-Factor is that you’re a 28-year-old single mom. This means that you’ve been married, so you don’t feel the need to do it again. You’ve had two kids, so you don’t hear the ticking clock. In other words, you have nothing about which to panic. You can afford to be picky. Suitors will continue to line up well into your 30’s.

BUT…

Your independent “I don’t need anybody” attitude is counterproductive. With it, you will get exactly what you’re asking for. Nobody.

If that is your goal, keep pushing away the nice guys and letting the bad boys take their shots. You’ll find them attractive, but they generally won’t want to stick around with a single mom who has all your responsibilities.

As for what you should do with this guy, it sounds to me like your mind is already made up. Therefore, you have my blessing to dump him. Staying with him when your heart’s not in it is doing neither of you any favors.

Just recognize that you’d actually like this guy more if he pulled away more and cared about you less.

A bit ironic, isn’t it?

15
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Comments:

  1. 1
    JimmyE

    A nice guy isn’t hard to find. I know loads of them. I have their numbers. Nice girls aren’t hard to find either. So why is everyone still single?

    Loads of us are still single because nice isn’t enough for a long term relationship. For that to work you also need fun, interesting, stuff in common.

    I’d never criticise a woman for dumping a ‘nice’ guy. I do however get a bit exacberated at all the women who claim that ‘i just want a nice guy.’ That kind of sentiment doesn’t do justice to yourself or the men who want to date you.

    1. 1.1
      Jenna

      I think what Evan said sums it all up:
      “It’s pretty much the human condition. The people we want don’t want us. The people who want us, we don’t want. When there’s a rare exception to that rule, we call it love”.
      People are still single because they have met  and dated a lot of people, but not yet had that “mutual spark” with someone. Only after that “rare exception” is achieved can you start to build a relationship – hopefully between two very nice people.

  2. 2
    BeenThruTheWars

    Very interesting letter and questions, Diana. One could play devil’s advocate with oneself all day long (as it appears you are doing).

    In my opinion, two months of casual dating isn’t long enough to assess who someone really is, at their core, and whether they would be an appropriate long-term partner. People start relaxing and showing their true colors around the three month mark… then a little more at the six month mark… then a little more after you get engaged… etc. (Hey, maybe you’ll get lucky and your Prince Charming will turn out to be a “bad boy” after all!)

    All kidding aside… two or three dates should be enough to know “is there a spark here or isn’t there?”

    Your dilemma as I interpret it is at least in part, how important are sparks in a long-term relationship? Some say they are crucial; others say the early days of “wall socket sex” and fiery passion eventually simmer down into a more comfortable, intimate, familiar feeling of love where the embers smolder but the room doesn’t catch fire every time you’re both in it.

    But if there are no embers on your part to begin with…

    On the other hand, great guys who will adore you AND your two young children don’t grow on trees…

    On the other hand, as JimmyE points out, the universe is an abundant place with tons of nice guys in it (some even with chutzpah, as Evan points out…)

    On the other hand… aacckkk. I totally get it. You can make yourself nuts with all this pretzel brain twisting.

    If you’re a reader, I can suggest a terrific book that might put some of what you’re struggling with into perspective. It’s called “The Passion Trap: Where is Your Relationship Going?” by Dean C. Dellis and Cassandra Phillips. It describes the emotional struggles that go along with unequal/unbalanced relationships such as yours, where one person is a lot more invested in the relationship than the other. One person becomes the “one-up” (that would be you, as you can take this or leave it), the other becomes the “one-down” (your suitor, who feels the need to pursue harder and harder to bridge the growing gap he perceives). This creates a push-pull dynamic that can create a lot of turmoil, at the very least. The book offers suggestions for trying to even out the relationship if both parties feel it’s worth the trouble. It helped me understand why some of my relationships have felt like such a struggle, others have felt like a yawn, and why my current one feels just right.

    I guess the main question I would be asking myself in your shoes… if I stay with this guy and see what unfolds over a few more months’ time, will I feel like I’m settling? What is the potential cost of missed opportunities? If you could care less whether or not you’re even in a relationship, and you don’t feel like you’re using this fellow or stringing him along, what would be the harm in continuing to see him on a status quo basis… until you know for certain how you feel?

    What’s that old saying? When in doubt, do nothing.

    Best of luck to you, Diana. I’d be curious to know how things turn out.

  3. 3
    mrs. vee

    Diana -

    There’s not much more I can add to the great advice already given except to tell you that whatever you decide to do is ok. There is no right or wrong answer to your predicament.

    Having said that, I don’t see this as a case of you “betting on 20″ if you were to dump him. Your man apparently fails to produce the feelings in you that you believe are fundamentally necessary in a romantic relationship. I’d say you’re perhaps holding a 16.

    If you’re focusing now so early in the relationship on whether or not he’s right for you, and if he becomes increasingly more cloying and desperate to feel reassured of your affections, then you’re obviously not using the time to enjoy each other’s company. These are supposed to be your salad days. You shouldn’t have to think about this stuff. You should be falling in love. It’s hard to relax and get to know each other when two people are already preoccupied with the power dynamic.

    Your fella obviously has the sincere desire to be in a relationship and goes through all the right motions. That’s only the starting point. If after two months of dating and even sex you’re still not sure that you’re attracted to him, then I think it’s fair to him and yourself to throw this one back in the river.

    You’re young and sound cool and fun. Perhaps he’ll make some lucky woman happy one of these days. Still, you owe it to yourself to seek the whole package and he deserves a woman who sees him as such.

  4. 4
    mrs. vee

    And after all that, I have just roundly scolded myself for giving advice that, if I’d followed, I wouldn’t be with my husband today. So, to not be a complete hypocrite, let me briefly share with you that I didn’t initially think my better half was my type either. The passion was always there from the very beginning whenever things got physical between us, but, early on, I felt like I could walk all over him if I wanted to. I had major doubts and tried breaking it off with him twice, thinking that it was the fair thing to do for him. Each time I let him go, he took it graciously and nevertheless persisted after me.

    Because I thought he was a good guy, I made a genuine effort to stay his friend. Then, one month in and two dumpings later, we planned a night out that
    involved our friends. On that outing, I saw how relaxed funny and and confident he was with any person other than me, I realized that I just made him nervous. We continued doing things with people in our social circles, and gradually he totally relaxed around me even when we were on or own. I fell in love with him, and it really was’t just me “letting him in” either. He truly managed to surpass every expectation, and it was head over heels type of love. And I say with a smile on my face that today he’s squarely in the driver’s seat in our relationship. I still feel a lot of heat towards him to this day. So who knows? Perhaps the lesson here is that you may one day see a different side of your man if he’s put in a different situation. Maybe he just needs the opportunity to rise to a challenge in front of you before you see his true stripes. The thing to not to miss here, though, is that the butterflies and crazy-in-love feelings eventually did surface in me. You keep an eye out for them too, dear.

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  9. 5
    Ruby

    Hey, Evan,

    Good advice, but what’s up with the comment, “Suitors will continue to line up well into your 30′s”. After that, what, she’ll be yesterday’s news? As an attractive woman over 40, I’m offended by this. Perhaps we’re not as “marketable” to as many men as we were in our twenties, but it doesn’t mean that it’s all over either. In some ways, I know that I’ve got more to offer a man now, than I did when I was in my twenties. Please be a little more sensitive.

  10. 6
    Evan Marc Katz

    I didn’t say that women in their 40′s are yesterday’s news.
    I didn’t say that you don’t have more to offer.
    I did say that there are a lot fewer options due to the (perhaps unfair) preferences at men.

    It is not being insensitive to point out something factual. There was no judgment on my part. Just an observation about men.

    See today’s blog post for more: Why Reality Sucks, Fantasy Rules and My Advice Might Get You Angry.

  11. 7
    Aliza

    Loved this post – it’s me, except I have just one child! And I’ll be 50 on my next birthday!
    By now, I’ve come to enjoy any free time I get. Yes, it’s nice to have someone to do things with. But I need my space (ah – how many times has that been said to ME!?) too.
    The guy in question lives, literally, next door – in the next apartment building. He is a couple of years older, never married. He’s a sweetie pie, for sure – and adores my 11 year old daughter too. But, and here’s the rub – do I even want a relationship right now? What do I expect to get out of a relationship? A friend? Someone to do things with? Sex? Is it worth “giving up” my “me” time?
    Sigh………

  12. 8
    Aliza

    And let me add….I’ve been married three times. Not sure I want to do that again!

  13. 9
    JuJu

    [Excessive] niceness has nothing to do with it, actually. If you were crazy about him, there is nothing you would want more than all this attention. But physically you aren’t particularly attracted, intellectually you aren’t stimulated, the sex is only tepid (and that’s in the very beginning of a relationship when things are usually at their most passionate) – ask yourself, can you see a future with this man?

    There you go.

    1. 9.1
      Kee

      You hit the nail right on the head!  Thank you ♡

  14. 10
    Jenny

    I married the nice guy, I probly jumped to fast having had two young kids. My kids would ask for a daddy for xmas, I felt pressure at 26 to marry, and felt old for my age having been a mom at 17. I dated alot of mr.wrongs, no job, handsome and they knew it arseholes. I was looking for a nice guy, I found him, then I was attracted to him, now 9 yrs later he let himself go, I just left him for lack of attraction and his constant yelling and complaining and other reasons.. We grew apart, were more friends then lovers. Now the last thing I want is just nice, there has to be a strong physical attraction too. By physical attraction I dont mean drop dead gorgious, you have to find something about him sexy, his smile his eyes, something…Dont marry or settle if you arent 100% in love and lust…I married the first good one that came along and although were friends and he is still a father figure to my girls, I didnt marry my mr. right. You say you can live or without a man, so can we all, but at sometime you have to want to lean on him or you wont every be happy married, you have to give up some of that independence to be a couple. You sound like I did when I married though, I settled, dont do it if your that unsure and doing it because he is so into you, DONT….You have to be happy first before the kids or him. I use to fall for a guy just because he was good with my kids, ohhh he would be a good dad, DONT…Yah that is important to, but you have to sleep with this guys for the rest of your life. I knew when I couldnt say I wanted to be with him FOREVER that he wasnt the man for me, I should be able to say that about someone I am married too…I was happier when he wasnt home then I was with him home, I needed my space and he wanted to be together 24/7. He took offense to the fact that I always liked my space and figured I didnt want to be with him, no I like my alone time, always have…I am a night owl he was a day person, so I stayed up all night to get my alone time…I left home at 15 and raised myself and mom at 17, I was use to my independence and alone time, not that I was ever single for long, but always my own boss, being married and giving up your independence is tough, now I am trying to learn how to be independent again, having just left husband a week ago after 9 yrs, its tough..Good luck, but dont settle just because he is a good guy, lots of them around, you need to know down deep he is the one, he makes your toes curl when he kisses you, cant wait to here from him, not thinking oh god he is calling again….

    1. 10.1
      danny

      You sure are picky for a single mom. Your lucky to be getting a jerk let alone a nice guy. No self respecting man want to raise another mans kids.

      1. 10.1.1
        Shawn

        Geesh Danny – I came here to read the comments and find this massively disrespectful post….First being a “guy” what would you know about single motherhood….Secondly who are you to judge another person’s life when you have not walked in their shoes. A single mom doesn’t deserve to desire the BEST for her life? She’s what….damaged goods? And should bow down to the make species and thank her lucky stars any a**hole would want to take her out let alone sleep with her pathetic self? Way to go….restoring my faith the male species…and helping me to take solace in the fact that I dumped your species a long time ago….You’ve made me proud to be a single mom AND a lesbian!

  15. 11
    Bitter and twisted

    Well I dated the nice guy for a year. I kept thinking “he has the whole package” but something just didn’t feel right. I was heading for 30 and thought I could make it work. Well, he broke up with me because he felt like I was trying to change him. He hates me now, he completely resents how I treated him. He knows I never loved him and he left me for a “nice” girl. Believe me, nice guys are just as bad as bad boys (except less exciting) when they don’t love you any more. Boy did I learn my lesson. I will never settle again and will only pursue a relationship if I am absolutely sure of my feelings as well as his.

  16. 12
    nche

    Hi ladies,
    just ran into this website – i am a guy and i can say one thing – i notice, that all the responces in favor of diana are ladies whose relationships havent worked out too. Diana, there is no Mr. right dear; if you find yourself searching for Mr. right – it's an indication of you not having matured or grown enough to accomodate people who are less than perfect. you are 28… get serious or you will be left in the cold

    1. 12.1
      Buckfuster

      Amen! Couldn’t have said this ^ better myself!

  17. 13
    John

    One major thing that virtually everyone forgot to mention is that people DO CHANGE. A “walkover” today can become a tiger tomorrow. An inexperienced sexual partner today can become a really bad boy/naughty girl over time. When we meet someone, and something doesn’t “click” right away, maybe the conversation isn’t great, he is “boring” sex is not exciting, etc, we tend to project that into the future, and think that the situation will ALWAYS be like that. Nothing could be further from the truth. Otherwise, most of us will never get auto insurance, because most rookie drivers tend to make the most driving mistakes.
    I still believe that one of the major reasons why people remain single is because they simply are not ready to commit, not because there are no suitable partners. And they are not ready to commit because there are far TOO MANY choices available. And we have too many choices because of the availability of technology.

  18. 14
    Selah

    Jenny..I agree with your post and especially ‘ cant wait to here from him, not thinking oh god he is calling again’ this a big sign.

    We know the blinding light,the red hot passion fades a little in long term relationships,but it should still be there should still occurr..if its gone all together ,then work needs to be done. If you’re at the start of a relationship and you dont feel this way  ,after ofcourse you’ve given it a good chance then I guess it could go either and you either decide to give it a go with what is there or not. I was married for 21 years but with my ex for 28 years,we had it all but sadly the last 7 years it all went,bar the friendship and love that goes with that  ,which we still have. I have dated a few men over the last 8 years ,one where my first insticnt was NO ..but after chatting with my girl friends who said i was being shallow..I decided to give things more time. We live an hour apart so saw each other a few times a month,we had nice times and sex was good,i never felt any great bond or desire ,he however was in love ,he told me this after 8 weeks..i said woo and that i couldnt say the same,anyway long story short,we continued this what i would call friends with benefits relationship until earlier this year..I just couldnt do it any more ,he loved me but it came across as desperate to please,too compliant,always put himself last ,always needed me to choose say a meal before him,then he would choose the same as me..it began to irritate me and that seemed unfair on him.He treat me so well probably better than any man,but his always wanting or needing to please felt constricting,like i couldnt breathe and unatural. I know i could have had a good life ,been looked after,had whatever i wanted,but at what cost..for me the most important thing in a couple relationship is feelings,doesnt matter what they give you,what they do for you,what they say…if I dont feel that ‘bit’ then its not right for me(obviously after Ive given things  time to be sure’)  And yes i do wonder if i made a mistake should i have just stuck it out and enjoyed what i was getting,feelings may have got better, i might have grown to ignore what irritated me,what bored me,  after all relationships are compromise but no i have to be true to me and i just didnt feel that extra bit for him..sad but i trust my feelings .
    Good luck its a tough one ..head..heart..we need both to be aligned at least 80% of the time :)) 

  19. 15
    Paul M

    Never settle! Love is worth it! It’s unfair on him and on you to keep this going.

  20. 16
    patriarchal landmine

    two questions being asked in this post:
    “am I crazy?”
    yes
    “for wanting to [do whatever]”
    still yes.

  21. 17
    Chris

    I say dump him and put him out of his missery for being with someone like you. Once you do he’ll think and wonder what went wrong when he gave his heart and love and he’ll turn cold and black and go his own way. Messing around with women half your age and FAR prettier than you because YOU didn’t like nice. Turn him into that stereotypical bad boy that you long for but you’ll never get from him because you opened his eyes to how horrible women like you are. So after he breaks a few hearts to make up for what you did to him, he’ll teach other women to be addicted to that bad boy who can’t do anything for them. And continue the visious cycle.
    So congrats woman. Turns out after all… YOU are the reason why there are no nice guys. Enjoy your cats and borderline personality disorder :)

    1. 17.1
      Buckfuster

      I have been the person you describe here, Chris, and I found I didn’t like that person at all. I have returned to being the nice guy I always was at heart, and I am, of course suffering for it. I have NO problem getting sex when I am single, but it either goes no further than that, or it appears to go further, but I end up getting used. I still endure this, however, because if I lose the ability to open up, and let a woman in, I will never have that level of closeness that I very much want above and beyond the sex, and companionship.

    2. 17.2
      Jon

      I love it :) never truer words told brother.

  22. 18
    Marie

    Wow Chris 19 and what else are you suggesting she can do – keep him when she’s not into him because he’s nice?  How is that helping either of them?  Make herself fall in love with him?  It sounds like she wishes she could.  Stay with him out of pity or fear of hurting him? That’s not really doing him any favors.  I don’t understand your bitterness towards the poster.  It’s called dating.  That’s what you do in dating – go out with them and see if you can make it work.  If not you do the responsible thing and break it off.  The OP is actually being very responsible writing in for advice to make sure she can make the most informed decision.
     
    And regarding this turning nice guys into mean ones, if you can so easily turn a man’s fundamental character, he probably didn’t have the greatest sense of self to begin with and not that great of a catch.  A guy with balls would learn from his heartbreak and move on, not blame all women kind for his problems and seek to purposely hurt the next woman that comes along.  

    1. 18.1
      Buckfuster

      As I mentioned above, I am a nice guy who was treated very poorly by several women in a row, and it made me very bitter, angry, and cynical for a number of years. I had to become a hermit, and regain a love for myself before I could get back to being the nice guy I am at core. I have noticed a callousness in so many women these days. I have been strung along and used by ones I have dated, and abused by one that I had married and ended up divorcing. I think that many women believe that all the effort in a relationship should come from the man, with minimal effort, if any, on their end. To make a guy think he has a chance, and to string him along thinking that you have deeper feelings for him than you do just because of all the nice things he does for you is beyond wrong. It makes a guy feel used, betrayed, and like some toy, or object that the woman seems to think is ok just to throw away when they get tired of it. When most nice guys decide to commit to someone, they are “all in”, and will go that extra mile to make the woman happy, but keeping a guy for selfish reasons, and not letting him know exactly where he stands at all times is reprehensible. If you are very clear at every stage with a guy on where you are at in the relationship, you might find that you have more peaceful breakups, and possibly will be able to keep the guy as a friend afterward. If you aren’t straightforward, and communicating openly and honestly, expect anger, resentment, and an end to any niceness coming from them ever again.

      1. 18.1.1
        susan

        All I’m hearing is a lot of “blah blah blah I have bad taste in women and it’s their fault blah blah blah”.

      2. 18.1.2
        emma

        boo fuc***g hoooooo – welcome to the life of a woman !!!  Like I have been told many a time – MAN UP!!!!

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          I’d be remiss if I didn’t remind you ladies that there’s a lot of “boo fuc***ing hoo” in these comments from women who have bad taste in men. Any reason you don’t offer similar commentary to them?

  23. 19
    judy

    If he bores you, for heaven’s sake, leave him.  Some other woman might find a reliable and relatively attractive man sweet and charming.

  24. 20
    James

    This just infuriates me for some reason. Why do so many women continually want to be “challenged”? Like, what is that? Why are you trying to compete with someone who would literally destroy you in the blink of an eye? You realize that the stronger/smarter the guy is, the more he has to restrain himself around you, right? Stop picking fights and just enjoy what he’s offering you if you like him. If you don’t like him, what are you doing anyway? You’re 28 and you still don’t know what you want? Grow up!

    Relationships are NOT a contest to see who can care the least. Get that out of your heads — it’s ridiculous.

    1. 20.1
      Julia

      Being bored occasionally is fine. Being reminded by a man that he could literally destroy me is not. Threatening women with your physical strength is dealbreaker trait IMO

      1. 20.1.1
        James

        I think you’re reading what you want to read and not what I wrote.

        If you’re dating a guy, chances are he’s bigger/stronger/tougher than you, and if you’re with him, he’s probably at least as smart as you. If he doesn’t engage you when you push his buttons, he’s probably just saving you some embarrassment. So either get comfortable being with someone who wants to be on your team, or stop dating, because you’re not really looking for a relationship.

        1. Julia

          Well boy, I never said I’m into pushing buttons. I was responding to you talking about how you could destroy someone physically. I’d like to think the men I am out with don’t think “Man I could destroy her physically.” That’s creepy.

        2. James

          @Julia

          The “you” here is implied to be a “hypothetical you” and since your name isn’t anywhere in my original post, maybe you could do me a favor and assume that I’m talking about people that ARE into pushing buttons. And if the man you’re with doesn’t think he could “destroy you physically” then he’s either right (if he could) or he’s wrong (if he couldn’t). I won’t tell you how to feel though (about whether or not that’s creepy).

    2. 20.2
      Shannon

      Any man who has the thought that he could “literally destroy” a woman he is with is terribly disturbed. I would steer clear of anyone from whom I got the faintest whiff of this type of mentality. Frightening. You seem to have some tremendous anger problems. 

  25. 21
    Anna

    Some posters responding to the OP should check their baggage at the door. We’ve all have disappointments in our dating lives.  Whether male or female.  The OP is simply describing a scenario that both men and women experience.  I’m dating a “nice guy” but have zero chemistry with him.  I don’t just mean chemistry as in sexual chemistry, but the chemistry shared between two human beings in terms of fun energy.  This guy is very sedate.  On New Year’s Eve I met two couple friends of his and they were a HOOT.  I had way more fun with these couples in one night than I’ve had with my boring guy for the last two months.  It makes me sad because I wish I could feel something for this guy.  But I just don’t.  He’s too quiet.  I think there’s a cute little nerdy librarian-type for him somewhere. I will be sticking needles in my eyes and stabbing voodoo dolls if I stay with this guy.  All is fair in the dating world, if you treat people with respect and are honest about where you think a relationship is headed. 

  26. 22
    Sandra85

    I was in a similar position myself. I am 28 also and lived with and dates a guy for three years. When we first met I was crazy about him..he made me feel like no one had ever done before and at first our relationship was an equal one..that’s why it worked. However, as I got to know him inside out, I realised That he was a very insecure person with confidence Issues. I just didn’t respect that in a man..I knew that no matteall be forgiven, and not even because he loved me so much anymore but because he probably was too scared to be alone. I became resentful in the relationship and to my shame didnto treat him well. He knew I wasn’t happy but never addressed it with me and instead took all my nonense. This made me lose total respect and feelings for him. Maybe its not a good sign of who I am, the way I treated him, and I do regret that but part of growing up has meant I’ve developed a greater sense of self, and knowing myself better, I know that I need to find a strong man that I look up to and admire. Confidence and self respect is such an attractive trait in the opposite sex and I totally agree that it isn’t that nice guys finish last, it’s men with no balls that do. I ended that relationship a year ago, it was so hard to walk out on someone that I relied on for emotional support and friendship etc but I felt you get one shot at life and I had to take the risk rather than settle. I read somewhere that for a relationship to be a good one, both people most feel that they’re onto a good thing. I havent met anyone that measures up to my ex in the last year, but I’m glad I’m taking the risk to see if there is someone who’s more my match out there because I think it’s better to be single than in a relationship settling for less. I often feel guilty that I couldn’t love him but as my mother reminded me sometimes we can’t help the way we feel. Marriage has a 50/50 chance of working as it is, what hope do we have if out heart isn’t totally in it from the day we take those vows

  27. 23
    Joseph

    Because wickedness will increase in the world, the love of many will wax cold. 
    This is the world we live in today. I believe in loving your fellow man, the the institution of romantic live and marriage is close to dead in our society. 
    I say, fuck it. Live is too short, and you only get one shot at it, so why waste it chasing after something you may never find. If you were to take your life savings and gamble it all, you would be considered a moron. Because the odds that you will come out ahead are so rare. the same is true for seeking love too deeply in this life. 
    I am lucky that I was never good with women. I adapted and found things that I can affect in my life. Things that don’t hingthin the irrational thoughts of another. 
    I travel, I’ve seen the world. I have a lot if fun hobbies. I, of course, miss companionship, but I know most of us will end up alone or unhappy anyways. At least I will have a lot if fun memories I found on my own. 
    Look at the poster. She is not going to find peace. She has already created a broken family and refuses companionship because it isn’t perfect 100% of the time. 
    Life isn’t going to suddenly change. The world is a cold place. You gotta learn to role with it
     

  28. 24
    Agy

    Honestly, attraction is so essential to a relationship. Watch this TED talk by Helen Fisher: http://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_studies_the_brain_in_love
    Also Evan you wrote in your post “If that is your goal, keep pushing away the nice guys and letting the bad boys take their shots. You’ll find them attractive, but they generally won’t want to stick around with a single mom who has all your responsibilities.”
    That is so cruel, and you are a serious jerk for saying that!

    First of all, I don’t believe that Diana is necessarily attracted to “bad boys.” You’re really just reinforcing the stereotype here that attractive and desirable people are jerks while not-super attractive guys are good. Honestly, the various qualities are not mutually exclusive. I’m positive and sure that Diana can find someone who is attractive to her  and also a great human being. The dichotomy of nice guys = unattractive and bad guys = attractive is so bogus. In reality, these categories are derived and exist because of vulnerability and pain. It’s not so much due to the fact that people we find  “attractive” are simply jerks.

     Anyone who we find subjectively attractive has the potential to hurt us, because we feel intense emotions and passion for them. For instance, if I asked my 2 year crush on a date and he rejected me, I would feel pain. My feelings make me vulnerable, and the way to categorize this person is “attractive” + rejection = bad.  Because he is attractive to me and I got rejected, I can develop the stereotype and association that people I am attractive to have the potential to hurt me, therefore, they are jerks and bad. However, this is a terrible heuristic because there are definitely people out there who may find mutual attraction with us and not be jerks. In essence, you are encouraging people to only be safe and not allow vulnerability in your advice.

    Here’s my note concerning “nice” but unattractive guys. If I asked a very nice guy, who I am not attracted to, on a date, and he said no I’d feel ok. I would feel little pain, because I lack any emotions or passion for him. Because I lack intense feelings for him, I will be less vulnerable when I am rejected. In this sense, I can say that nice guy is still a good human being  because he didn’t hurt me . . . Mainly due to the fact that I lacked passion for him and wasn’t very vulnerable in the first place. It creates the pairing “unattractive” people to me are “nice,” because I am less vulnerable to pain around them.

    LOVE requires vulnerability. True LOVE between two different people who wish to mate requires passion.

    I’ve been reading your blogs, and I’m so tire of you telling people to play it safe, be “rational,” and not consider their gut instincts or feelings when making decisions. Without our feelings and emotions there would be no such thing as rationality.

    1. 24.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      And I’m tired of being misunderstood and misread. We all have a cross to bear, my friend. People need to use emotions and logic in making decision. Not just one or the other. Go show me a post where I told women that all super attractive guys are jerks, all ugly guys are great, and that you should always play it safe, and never consider your gut instincts. You can’t. Because I never said any of the above. What I write is far more nuanced than you’re giving me credit for, but you can’t hear it because implicit in my advice is constructive criticism: “maybe you’re not making the best decisions”. So maybe you’re not making the best decisions. But there’s no reason to call me cruel or a jerk for pointing out that we could all stand to peer into our blind spots.

  29. 25
    Henry

    John Gottman putts it something like this… When you choose a partner your choosing a set of problems to interact with.. Each person comes with a special combination of  imperfectness… The real question is… What combination of challenges/differences/resolvable and unresolvable  problems can one accept and therefore cope with and still grow myself/my relationship/life and loved ones. 
    Personally I would say… If its just a matter of him just being to accommodating? Give it more time a dare to turn towards each other. If its a matter of  him truly boring you? Leave  ASAP and you an both find better matches.
     
    Perhaps the final question to Ask is…. Do I know how to be happy?  If not? Make the solving this your first priority, for no  man woman or beast can fill that hole but You. 
    Good luck to all of us here

  30. 26
    mary

    I absolutely disagree that if the nice guy pulled away he would be more attractive. He is ‘boring’ he just is not it for her. I had a very successful 11 year marriage and we were madly in love most of the 11 years and he never pulled away. He made sure to be near. I couldn’t fall asleep with out him. Don’t play games with people. Be yourself generally and there will be a spark or not! Also b.s. on the statement the ones you want don’t want you and the ones that want you are not attractive. No. Not true. Sometimes it’s just timing. Or personality, or a political view.
    Never assume when trying a new relationship with someone you need to play some sort of keep away game!!!!
    .

    1. 26.1
      XLNTMOMMY

      Yess..!
      Game playing is a sign of emotional immaturity and being upfront saves time and heartbreak for both people.. I don’t hav the time or ~energy~ to worry about what people think about me.. yes I want to not hurt the feelings of someone I’m with, but I find most people appreciate directness, openness, and honesty more than anything else. Discretion and diplomacy comes with How you say these things.. but Do say it if it’s important.. however, this is digressing with semantics here..
       
       BOTTOM LINE: If you don’t feel it, you don’t feel it.
       Stop trying to fit the square peg into the round hole and move on. If having a loving relationship is a true priority to you, you WILL find him. Promise.
       Good Luck, sweeti ..
       
       ~MOMMY
       

  31. 27
    Gaz

    But seriously what the poster says about the guy is disrespectiveful she l meet a bad un next who ll tap her n leave her then she ll be moanin for  good guy again lol.  its a cycle your incapable of breaking but which ukeep feeding.  you talk about challenges n stuff geez get a hobbie get a life then enjoy your time with sumone not testing them lolzzzzzz

  32. 28
    Rico

    I too treated a woman very well who had two kids and she dumped me slept with a bad boy.. dumped him and hooked up with another guy that worshipped her.   MY Question To WOMEN who are very attractive and Get Lots Of Attention From men is:  have you ever really clicked with a man that treated you like a queen and dated him long term?

    1. 28.1
      Karmic Equation

      Not sure about other women, but treating me well is only part of the equation, not all of it. The guy has to be attractive (to me at least) and confident. If a guy treats me like a queen but I don’t find him sexually appealing, it doesn’t matter how well he treats me. And if he’s attractive but not confident, he doesn’t stay attractive for long in my eyes. (Had one date with a guy like that. Asked me multiple times if I thought he was cute and if I liked him. He was cut, but each time he asked, he got exponentially less cute.)
       
      I think you can equate this to men dating “crazy” but hot women. Sure, most men want sane women for the long term, but she has to be attractive to him. And if she is hot (equivalent to bad boy for women), most men will cope with some amount of crazy (equivalent to some amount of “bad boy”). But if she’s stark raving mad and/or controlling and/or over dramatic, he’s out, like SHE should be out if he’s treating her badly. But some women can’t leave a guy even when he’s treating her badly because she’ll try to “change” him. Most women want to be “the one” that reforms a bad boy. Men know you can’t change “crazy” so they either put up (until the novelty of sex with her wears off) or get out as soon as they can’t deal with the crazy.

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