My Fiancé Has Money and Treats Me Well, But He’s Soooo Cheap! What Should I Do?

My Fiance Has Money and Treats Me Well, But He's Sooo Cheap, What Should I Do?
Evan, what should I do?

I am engaged to a guy who I have been dating for 4.5 years. I love him but I have so much anger and resentment towards him. He is a good person and we have a great time together and I enjoy his company/companionship. He always is happy to see me and be with me. We have a lot in common, but I feel we have some major core differences. He is extremely selfish. He is wealthy and I think this has affected his outlook on money. I am very generous with a big heart, but I find that I am always disappointed. I don’t expect to be spoiled by someone, but he spends a lot of money on his (our) house, cars, gambling when he can, but if I need $200 to go to the store, he makes me feel awkward and here we are supposed to be getting married in December. All our finances are separate, I would be fine even with a pre-nup which I know is coming, but I am not fine with having a husband who puts himself that far above me because of his money. I do expect my husband to help with car payments, medical insurance, basic stuff, I am not even talking about shopping and material things, and this is a guy who is a multi-millionaire, and I made $100k up until last year because of the economy and now until I do something else, am only making about 45k. I am worried about marrying someone who would watch me struggle and not offer to help or was that spoiled that he doesn’t have the “right” consideration for me. HELP!

Lara

You know what they say about rich guys, right? The reason they’re rich is because they don’t spend any of their money

Dear Lara,

You know what they say about rich guys, right? The reason they’re rich is because they don’t spend any of their money! Ha! I kill me.

So first of all, let’s get one thing out of the way first: he’s definitely selfish. There are plenty of people who have issues around money – including yours truly – but your multi-millionaire takes the very expensive wedding cake.

As I’ve said before, many women don’t appreciate the difference between being cheap and being poor. If he makes less than $50,000, pretty much ANYTHING he does for you is generous. However, your guy isn’t poor. He’s rich, and yet you don’t feel he is generous of spirit. That really sucks when you’re facing a lifetime together.

But if you’ve been seeing him for 4 ½ years, I suspect you knew about this trait all along, but dealt with it as just one compromise you had to make in the relationship. It didn’t suddenly surface out of the blue. “He USED to throw me $10,000 birthday parties, but now he only has the Pizza Hut staff put a candle in my calzone!”

I’m not going to defend his penurious ways, and I’m not going to suggest that you don’t have the right to be frustrated. I am, however, going to try to look at the other side – something that you may not have done yet.

So let’s recap: you love him, he’s a good person, he’s super-wealthy, you have a lot in common, you have a great time together, he’s happy to be with you, and you’re engaged to be married in December. Sounds like a promising start, no?

But there’s this one thing – this big thing – you don’t get out of him. It’s a definite character flaw: no generosity. Yet he probably pays for the bulk of the house, car payments, medical payments, vacations, etc. He’ll buy you things and provide a nice life. The only thing he doesn’t want to pay for is you, spending the money that he earned. And since you’re now making less, you expect him to make up the difference.

At least that’s HIS perspective.

I think two things: he’s genuinely cheap, and he genuinely loves you.

Your perspective is that it’s not his money, it’s your money – together. And even though you have everything you want in your life, you can’t get over the fact that he’s so stingy that he won’t let you spend what he considers “his” money. In your mind, it’s not about the money, it’s about the principle! I hear you, and I’m sure a number of readers do, too.

The real sticking point is that his take on “his money vs. your money” is not changing any time soon. It’s deeply ingrained in him. Which gives you two choices: leave him because you feel like you can’t spend your life with a rich man who is cheap, or stick around and appreciate that you have a super life, filled with love, companionship, fun, and tons of material possessions – but your husband is simply a skinflint.

Life is about tradeoffs, y’know?

I also think you may be equating his lack of generosity with a lack of love. He can provide for you in 100 different ways, but because he’s hesitant to give you $200 to go to the store, he doesn’t truly love you. Do you believe that? I don’t. I think two things: he’s genuinely cheap, and he genuinely loves you. If he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t be marrying you. In his mind, he just doesn’t want his wealth to be taken for granted.

Just the other day I was talking with a semi-successful guy – not a millionaire – who took care of his girlfriend when she was unemployed and couldn’t afford to pay rent. The problem arose when, one year later, she STILL didn’t want to pay rent because “he could afford it”.  Ironically, the same way that she feels that “it’s not about money, it’s about principle”, so does he. You think he should pay for you because he can. He doesn’t want to pay for you because you assume he’s supposed to.

Another thing: your boyfriend may be cheap, but I’d have to guess he’s better than the rich guys who equate money with love. Their theory is: “If I buy you a Jaguar, maybe you won’t notice how emotionally distant and abusive I am!”  These type of wealthy men  make the worst husbands because they think that they can buy your affection and don’t have to actually, y’know, listen to you.

All of this begs the unfortunate and delicate question: is it possible that you take your boyfriend’s money for granted? Maybe just a little? After all, you may have taken a pay cut, but you probably still live in a big house with a nice car and have everything you need. So while I’m not going to defend your fiancées behavior – cheap is not cool – I’d have to ask you one really tough question:

Would you be marrying him if HE made $45,000?

And, if not, are you also equating love with money?

It’s not that I’m not sympathetic to your plight, Lara, but it’s my responsibility to point out the side of things that you may not have already considered. Please let me know what you choose to do.

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Comments:

  1. 151
    Confused

    I’ve read some of the responses and am taken aback.
    I feel this is why Americans can’t hold a marriage. Marriage is not a business negotiation. It’s a PARTNERSHIP. You join this person with vows. You want to help each other rise and want to genuinely enjoy your lives together. Key word here is together. When you marry someone you join entirely. Your money, debts, family, friends, and entire lives are now joined. To even consider fully separate financial lives  is alien to me.
     
    I am a woman. If I was extremely wealthy and I’m about to marry someone, or am married, I would not have the mentality that this is mine and this is yours. (Except for personal belongings of course. For those who like to nitpick I’m referring to clothing and such) I would merge our finances into one. The responsibility lies on me to find someone who is financially responsible and trustworthy. I’m not marrying anyone I can’t trust and have a fulfilling partnership with. 
     

    1. 151.1
      j

      most of my parents fights were over money. keep your money separate and pay for your own things

  2. 152
    j

    He’s not selfish.
    you shouldn’t be asking him for 200 to go shopping. grow up and shop at salvation army like the rest of us if you cant afford to shop with your own money.
    he’s testing you to make sure you don’t just like him for his money

  3. 153
    Sarah

    Reading this I thought she was going to the store by them groceries, which he probably eats most of anyway. I wasn’t under the impression that she was looking to go on a shopping spree. 

  4. 154
    S

    I do think this is a love rather than a spending style issue.  Why?  Because he spends on himself freely, even to the point of gambling, but if you “need $200 to go to the store, he makes (you) feel awkward.”  Okay, sure, women and men have different priorities.  Maybe he thinks that gambling is a sensible use of money, but if you want to spend $150 for a cut, color and style at the salon you are unreasonable (today’s prices are unreasonable, but that’s the reality).  However, it is not the expenditure, but the attitude that is the issue.  This “Big I, Little You” is an attitude that can permeate all kinds of issues that may not even involve money for the rest of your lives together.  My advice is to go to pre-marriage counseling over this issue and get it resolved before you get married.   It may be that you decide to accept this flaw in his character and, if so, that’s fine – it’s your choice.  You should, however, make sure that you have dealt with the issue thoroughly and accepted that which you cannot change before you embark upon your new life together.  Good Luck!

  5. 155
    GetaLife

    Wow!
    I raise two small children alone on $45k. A single person making $45k is practically a millionaire unless she/he has a spending problem. Reevaluate your personal budget.
    Also, the World doesn’t care what you use to make or about your excuses why you make less. If you made that much before and can’t make that again you’re doing something wrong.
    I kind of hope he trades you up for a younger, faster model that makes $16k a year.

  6. 156
    AllHeart81

    Get A Life, that’s great that you can raise two kids on $45k. But advocating for the hurt and pain of other people and hoping someone is “traded” in might be reason for you to do some reevaluating yourself. 

  7. 157
    smariel

    Hm, not enough details.  What did you need $200 for?  I dunno, if I had a boyfriend who was paying for house, car, vacation – and I could spend my entire salary on myself – I’d be psyched!  Bc right now I’m doing it all on my own 😉  I guess when you’re married it becomes a little different; then I’m not sure if you should have more access to his $ for lifestyle stuff.  Nevertheless, I have to say, it always seems to be folks w/o any $ who claim to be generous – but what are you giving?  Are you giving more emotionally, timewise, etc. than he is?  I don’t quite understand that statement.  From a financial perspective it appears that he is much more “generous” than you are given his cash outlay vs yours??

  8. 158
    Amber

    So to simplify, One side is saying – They wouldn’t have a problem with helping someone they love when needed, but providing for a healthy, able adult nowadays Should Not be the consideration when entering marriage. The other side is saying – Well it is so……stop complaining, lol.

  9. 159
    Helaine Kaskel

    A different take:  I am a wealthy, self-made woman, a mother of 3 who has worked all her life, and after 20 years got divorced.   My ex-husband froze our assets and for awhile I was under severe stress because I could not access my money.

    My ex- boyfriend – yes, ex – was a wealthy self-made man who sat by and watched me undergo tremendous suffering – mental, physical, emotional – when he could have helped.    I left him because in his shoes, I would have helped.  And have helped friends, family, and employees in the past because these people were important to me and I could not watch them suffer.

    I never asked this man to support me.  I dined at Jack in the Box with him and shared a drink and loved every minute.

    MEN:   women need to feel protected by their men.
    WOMEN: men need to feel protected by their women.
    PEOPLE:  when you love someone you share it all – time, thought, energy, love, compassion, warmth, touch, and yes, that sensitive tricky area, the bank account.
    This does not mean a shopping spree at Neiman Marcus.  This means that when someone needs help and you can give it, you do so.  This does not mean signing up to pay for someone’s mistakes over and over again.   This means stepping up for someone you love.

    Guys, not all women are golddiggers.  And nothing will send her running away faster than your failure to provide and protect.  Gals … do the same if he needs it.  That is love.  It’s really simple. 

    1. 159.1
      not a gold digger

      This is not about money but about what is giving each person a sense of security and needs.  For the past year I have dating a very wealthy man. I had a terrible time 5 years ago with the crisis, losing my job, money and means to a healthier life.  For the past 4 years, I have been rebuilding on my own, working constantly in my own business and not enjoying the simple things in life.  There are times I live on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches so I can pay my taxes.  I am no stranger to struggle and raised 2 wonderful children on my own for 18 years, working two jobs, providing and sacrificing for them. 

      I recently had some personal and financial struggles that I can’t explain.  I am not a big spender and prudent with my expenses. The man I am dating can stand by and watch me drown, but comes to my house expecting me to nurture him, which I have.  I have cooked him dinner several times per week at my expense and listened to his work and family troubles, helped him during his time of crisis when his house became flooded and was there for him when he needed it.  I have made him feel loved and sacrificed my own time to meet his needs.  We are both over 50 so not struggling with life  experience for sure and are mature adults.  He does take me to dinner, but likes to go when there is discounted meals.   

      But…he can walk past my broken car when he leaves my house, get into his Porsche and say, “let me know when you get that fixed so you can drive to my house next time”.  He will send me to the grocery store with just enough money to “buy food for his fridge”. I don’t even live in my own house but a wealthy friends conservative house, that I take care of and live in just one room for discounted rent.  When I work so hard to pay my expenses and I see the light leaving my soul, I want someone to care.  When I share my troubles with him, I get “wow, that sucks”.  He has even denied picking me up from the airport when I had a  business trip because “he wasn’t sure what his plans will be on Monday night at 11pm”

      But…he loves me sooooo much.  He misses me sooooo much.  He wants me to be committed to him because I should feel his love because he verbally expresses it. He constantly compliments me, perhaps to make up for what he does not want to provide…a nurturing environment.  He calls me three times a day to talk about his day, and at the end of the convo, he will ask how my day is and then after my first sentence, he is too busy and has to go.    

      I’m sorry fellas, but women want to feel secure and alive.   Not all are after your money, but the strength you can provide.  In return, we can provide what you need in life whether it’s physical, emotional or just running errands.   I have let him know that I am looking for more of a life relationship and he stepped up the compliments, quality time and dinners, but that’s it. 

      And so the ladies advice in my life will say, it’s your fault, you stay.  But just for a short time, it’s nice to have dinner with a man, share some moments with and be an adult.  You read about not pressuring a man, not showing him your struggles for fear of scaring him away, not wanting a relationship too soon, so I wait, following that advice because I do enjoy my time with him.  But is he my knight in shining armor, my rock, my hero? I doubt it.  The love is leaving my heart because he can watch me suffer and is not concerned about my comfort.  The honeymoon phase is over, and when it comes to real life struggles as a couple, I can’t count on him.

  10. 160
    Isabella

    I do have another question… what about when they have kids?
    Is he going to have to carry the baby of both in his body and being working at the same time to be able to subsist?
    Men are providers, we need then in order to provide our children a better life… other wise we dont need any man… Men need woman to have children, they are not able to have them with out us. Generosity is just a way to understand that our men will be there when we procreate our common children and wont leave his family fell down.
    I am European, woman pay their stuff and dont wait for any man to save us from the misery, but this couple are about to start a lifetime together, and hopefully a family, this man is not acting as a provider and a reliable head of family.
     

  11. 161
    Crystal

    Lara is coming across as very selfish. I sit here reading this and I guess I shouldn’t really be shocked by some of the things she wrote, but I will never understand why some people (Lara) will never truly understand just how lucky they are when it comes to money. She is having a feel sorry for me attitude. What I am saying might sound harsh but Lara really does need a reality check. I would be so thankful to even be making 45k or my fiancee to make 45k.

    Lara money does not buy you all the happiness in the world as you seem to be living in a world of false reality. The reality for you, might be that you can’t have everything you want. If you were in my situation you would probably not even be able to comprehend how to deal with life.

    I will try to make this short and to the point. I got engaged back on Christmas Eve 2013. This was one of the best days ever. My fiancee and I were going to start planning are wedding in 2014 and get married before the end of 2014. We had made plans to go look at an area that we wanted to check out for where we wanted are wedding to be held. 

    Well due to the good old wheel of fortunate that life can throw us, I had a very bad accident February 24, 2014. Remind you this was only a few weeks before my fiancee and I were going to check a place out in March that we wanted to get married at. I ended up having a closed head brain injury and this changed many things. My fiancee and I have always known that we would have to pay for any and everything for our wedding as we don’t have anyone that can help us out. Many people say the father of the bride should pay, but my father passed away when I was 16 of AIDS. Clearly that leaves my fiancee and I.

    Before my accident I had been working 2 jobs which helped to bring in more money. After my accident it changed many things. I no longer had the extra income and could not work 2 jobs and I could not stay physically fit like I was used to as I was out of the gym between 8-9 months. 

    A few months after my accident my fiancee ended up getting shingles. He was out of work for almost 6 months. We tried to get a script for medicine to help with the shingles. My fiancee had seen a doctor not even 12hrs before we found out he had shingles. We went back the next morning and the doctor said he wanted another $100 just to see him again before he would write a prescription to help with the shingles. We did not have $100 and we did not have anyone we could go to for money. So because of how rude and heartless the doctor was my fiancee had to suffer for 6 months. 

    I at one point only had $7.00 in my checking account. Lara how would you have got through something like the above things I mentioned? You really need to be more grateful for what you have and not focus on what don’t you have. Money can’t buy you common sense or a personality.

    My fiancee and I still have not been able to get married as we are both still paying on my medical bills from my accident. We never wanted an expensive wedding. We wanted to have a nice small wedding 30 people, have pictures, a video and have a honeymoon. We didn’t want to spend more than $7,000. Since we have to pay for everything ourselves we still cant come up with the money to get married.

    You see if you choose to marry this man you speak of, then you choose to accept his “selfish” ways as you put it. It seems to me you are being a little selfish too. Sometimes when you just expect things you set yourself up for disappointment. Take a step back and try to be thankful for what you have and know things can always be worse.

    The way you describe parts of your relationship sounds more like convenience based of material things, and not based off of love. Maybe the way you define love is based off of money, or at least that is how it comes across with what you wrote. 

    My last bit of advice for you Lara is talk to your fiancee about how you feel before you get married. If you can sit down and have an intelligent conversation with your fiancee about how you feel and your concerns. If you do not feel you can do this, then you might what to think again about getting married. I would not sign a pre-nup. You have choices as you are a grown lady. Lara you think he values you less now, you sign a pre-nup and you might be for some shockers.

    Best of luck to you.
     

  12. 162
    shawna

    I feel for Lara here. I don’t know how old this article is or if they are married but from my experience, this man sounds like a selfish jerk. If he is willing to take care of here when she is sick and feed her when she needs money for groceries. It is very myopic to conclude that she is a “gold digger.” She fell is actually wanting to leave him, despite his wealth, because of an obvious character flaw. I was with and married and had kids with a man just like this and he was not willing to do basic things like clean the toilet because he felt his higher income status meant he never should do housework. He wanted to spend money gambling and buying cars because that made him look good to other people. He cared more about looking good to other people than looking good for his wife. Gamblers and men obsessed with toys make horrible husbands because how they are seen outside will always be more important than how you see him. This is a huge warning sign. Men do have more opportunities than men and if she has kids, he should take care of her, especially prioritize food, unlimited food. Making sure she has unlimited money for food should be number one on his list. He’s a jerk..run away. He will cheat on you, party when you are with the babies and deny you money for food so he can demonstrate his superiority and your desperation. You are making 45K and down on your luck, any man..any friend would never balk at a request for grocery money……run girl run…..run to the nicest sweetest kindest man who would never make you feel ashamed for wanting food money……………..as for those who say she is not independent enough or doesn’t represent some B.S. ideal of an empowered woman….ideals should never be used as standards…he is rich because he screwed people over…not because he is hard working necessarily..not because he is cheap…because others lost and he used a capitalist system to rob, cheat and steal off the backs of the working class…..run girl

  13. 163
    NotAStooge

    Its really funny that its always HIS money that’s on the table to debate about and for grabs. His money is our money and her money is hers. He is just a smart guy. I can’t stand that being generous part. Being generous only means transfer payments from the guy to the woman. Women are hardly generous like that, never saw that honestly.

  14. 164
    Geraldina

    Is a red a flag!! Leave him..
    Believe me be with a stingy man is not right o amazing future ,when a man is madly in love, he provide everything for you because it care for you… Plus you don’t need a wealthy man… There out there plenty gentleman they work hard with a huge heart.. Money or no money a man is a provider..

  15. 165
    Grace

    this reminds me of my dad! he made $2 million/year for like 7 years and then millions on top of that in pervious and preceding years and thinks anything over $10 is expensive! the worst part, my mom is the same way! they act like we’re a family who makes $20,000/year but it’s the exact opposite! and the other thing that REALLY bothers me is that a majority of people in my town make like $200,000 at most and act like they’re the ones who make/made $2 million. ugh what can i even do!?

    1. 165.1
      AllHeart81

      It’s not your money. I’m not sure what you would look to do.

      PS. $200,000 is an excellent income that most people don’t make. It’s nothing to sneeze at even if it’s not $2 million.

  16. 166
    Louis

    A woman earns 45k yet is not happy because her fiance is not paying for her stuff?

     

    LOL big nono. The most attractive thing to have is a woman who is capable of EARNING her own way.

    So far as 45k, he is being cheap because he is a millionaire, but if you acted the same way with costs and payments, would you be cheap too? Or is it because its all you can afford?

     

    i am sorry but this is disgusting to hear. People are dying out for 15k jobs in UK yet to here this 45k, that is a real benefit to somebody in here.

    Never expect things to happen if you won’t discuss it. You don’t understand what your fiancee is thinking about money towards you guys , yet if you keep wondering why he doesn’t spoil you is maybe because you do not spoil him in ways where he WANTS to spoil you in the way YOU want him.

    1. 166.1
      Louis

      Sorry it just really bothers me about some of the responses given here. If a woman makes 45k, does not pay any of the bills, yet demands that the man should pay for groceries or simply ask him for 200$ for food or so and so. I do not see how 45k is not enough for yourself already especially if you do not pay the bills.

       

      Yes a man is a provider blahblah and he is simply doing so by paying the bills, covering costs to live in the house, etc. A man does not provide material things at your request because thats not providing. Thats keeping a child from crying.

       

      That being said, if it was for things like groceries, i dont see how a woman expects a man to provide EVERYTHING. So what does the woman provide? house-care? cooking and looking after the children?  Does that mean she cannot spend a single penny out of her 45k?

       

      To be honest, with the mindset of knowing that , I would be more keen on spoiling my fiancee/wife if i was a the millionaire, but only if she never expected one bit and ticked all thoses boxes. You simply don’ tick all those boxes unfortunately. 🙁

  17. 167
    Maria

    I think some of you are completely off base.  What in the world makes this woman a “gold digger”?  For one thing, I hate that term.  While it’s fine for men to marry for youth and beauty, a woman who marries for money and stability has these horrible stigmas attached to her of a “whore” or a “gold digger.”  You know, there are still both men and women out there who prefer a more “traditional marriage,” where the woman stays home and cooks, cleans, raises children, while the man works.  I don’t understand how this is a bad thing?

    On another note, this woman doesn’t even fall into the category of a “gold digger.”  If so, she would have been out of this relationship years ago, are you kidding me?  A multi-millionaire boyfriend who cringes at giving her $100 on her 45k a year salary?  Oh yeah, a lot of gold diggers put up with that for 4.5 years. *eyeroll*  Not to mention, this woman made 100k previously.  That’s quite a decent salary.

    Her wanting more from her boyfriend isn’t insane or mentally unstable, it sounds natural.  Many women crave to be taken care of by a man, and I don’t see how that’s a bad thing.  What is bad is that they are obviously not compatible.  She wants to be taken care of more and resents him for not sharing more of his wealth, while he wants an independent woman.  I think both sides are valid, but I don’t think one is “better” than the other.  They just don’t match.

    I personally have told my boyfriend that if I ever start to make 100k+ a year after law school then he is free to quit his 35k job a year to pursue his dreams in music making and eventually be a stay-at-home dad, plus he hates his job and I want to see him happy.  Is that a horrible thing?  Jesus, some of you are so judgmental.  We don’t even know the whole picture.

  18. 168
    Martina

    Ok, I am in similar situation. My boyfriend of 12 years makes really good money, I am small business owner. He has his own house (his kids and his mom with help live there), I rent my small town house. I pay my rent, our food, sometimes our flight tickets, he pays only for tv and once a year holiday mostly to my country of origins where accommodation is for free. When we go out to eat I pay most of the time, it’s his “dividends” as he calls it, because he bought the business for me, as I am foreigner and this was only option for me to stay in the country unless I’m married. I am about to buy my own house, he said he will give me 100K ( south african rand ) how generous, but he bought his son 1 mil car cash, oh and I am planing to spend about 1,2 mil on the house. He collects muscles cars and spends lots of money as all the stuff needs to be imported, now i am talking at least 100k a month or he bank rolls his friends with loans that never get paid back. But one bad business month for me, I need to pay every cent he lend me. I do love him but if I was alone, I would probably be better off then hanging on some promised land.  My only worry is as foreigner, most of my stuff was put on his name including my business and I’d go out with nothing, and be forced to leave the country.

  19. 169
    Lindsey M. Ball

    This is an interesting question because it makes me believe that certain women need to really think hard about what sort of partner they want to be in a relationship.  Traditionally, it was totally socially acceptable for women to ask their husbands for money to buy groceries, go shopping or whatever.  There was a reason for this though: they were usually unemployed and not expected to work but to instead care for the children.

    Now, things are different.  Women have jobs.  The author of the letter seems to believe that, even though she is obviously capable of earning a serious salary ($100k, annually), her husband should still give her money simply because he can.  Her reasoning is that she perceives her husband’s lack of generosity as a character flaw.

    However, this issue does not simply appear four years after you met the person.  From the very beginning, men and women set parameters on money issues.  From the very first date, we make the judgment call about whether our partnership will be more traditional (the man foots the dinner bills) or more modern (the partners split bills and/or switch off on picking up the tabs).  This is established in the beginning so it seems odd for the author to now be concerned about whether her fiancee is generous with her.  If he and she predetermined that they would be financial partners and share costs then it is unreasonable for her to label him as non-generous and call it a dealbreaker.

    At the risk of opening a can of worms, I think these issues arise because women are conditioned from birth to foster a subconscious sense of entitlement to financial stability from their husbands. An important factor when women select a mate is whether the man is financially successful.  However, just because the man is financially successful does not mean he has willingly entered into a social contract to financially support her.  And his disinclination to do so is not greed, he is simply a modern man who rejects the notion of financially supporting his fully employed fiancee.

     

     

     

  20. 170
    CammySoul

    We cares what other people think if it’s hiw you’re feeling n it doesn’t suit you then communicate with your partner and find out what both of your long term expectations are and if they’re prepared to make more effort or not whatever the issue maybe

  21. 171
    Nobody

    I completely understand your feelings, because I am a woman going through exactly what you are going through. Almost the same scenario. I have questioned and still question my relationship too for the exact reason. I don’t know the specifics of your relationship, but if yours is anything like mine, maybe this is how you feel (in my experience):
     
    In a nutshell, I feel left behind.
     
    What good am I if I’m living in richness and him living in rags? What good is he if he’s living in richness and I am in rags? (rhetorical) It feels like we are not living in the same world, not sharing the same experience, and he won’t invite me into his world, but he won’t live in my world.  
     
    Like yours, my boyfriend is a multi-millionaire. Like you, I make almost $100k. Money is obviously not an issue and “money isn’t the issue”; but the people are. Trust me, I understand this statement very well.
     
    Outsiders would say I should be grateful because he pays for his roof, he pays for his bills, he pays for our entertainment, he pays for our food, and he can afford to spend more than most on birthdays and anniversaries. The thing is, if I’m not there, he would still be paying for the same thing, doing the same thing. What he is doing has nothing to do with me. I grew up in a poor family, so I understand too well that love is much more. Love is in the act of giving, is generous, and is inclusive.
     
    “I will give you my world, because I don’t want you to have to be envious of others, especially not of me.” A person I once knew taught me this. You don’t have to be rich to give it your all. You just have to have a heart big enough to give more than is asked of you.
     
    I know it hurts you when he is doing so much for him, but can’t even give a little to you without making you feel like you’re asking for too much. It’s like asking to be loved when love should already be present. My boyfriend would hesitate spending $100 on me (he doesn’t say no but his whole body language says it all) but he will flaunt his nice toy he just got for $10k. It’s not about the $100 or your $200, it’s about giving and for them to understand that it’s important for them to remind us that we are loved from time to time.
     
    It almost make me feel like someone who has never been poor doesn’t understand the meaning of giving, because they have been receiving all their life.
     
    And like you, I don’t know why I stay.
     
     
    On a funny note, I told him that I will never be rich because I sacrifice everything I earned to make my loved ones happy. Money is just money unless you use it to add value to it. And they don’t have this, so maybe that’s why they are rich – they are attitude-ing it right. LOL. 

  22. 172
    Christopher

    I make $65,000 a year but have  a networth of 1.6 million dollars.

    Why?….Because I live on half what I make an invest the other half.

    Most women see my lake house, luxury condo, farmland, expensive sports car I bought used for as much as most people spend on a honda civic. etc and think I am making triple what I make and expect me to blow it on them. They are in for a rude awakening.

    Is he gambling??? or is he investing in the stock market….there is a big difference.

    I am a very generous person and will hand out 100 dollar bills to people who look like they are struggling around the holidays etc. but the reason I am able to do this is because I sacrificed to win with money.

    When your fiance sacrifices in the short term to win long term he wants to be with someone who will share those values. Not someone who wants to spend everything he sacrificed or worked so hard for.

    Good for him.

     

  23. 173
    TP

    I know this all too well. When you are doing all the work and spending your money on one person,and you see no return on the other end you feel used. If you can’t live within your means and expect someone else to pay for your life…….good luck. I sent a person packing for the very reason mentioned. My family’s success comes from hard work. Just because it makes life easier it does not mean you get a free ride. If your not in for the long haul and not giving your best….then you go. I don’t expect somone else’s success to influence my life. Don’t expect mine to influence yours. We each carry or own weight.

  24. 174
    jackie

    I don’t think there is not thing wrong when woman looking for generous man.  Woman want secure and generous man who she can feel safe knowing he can taking of her and his future kids.

  25. 175
    Elizabeth

    I’ve been dating my Muslim BF for 2 years.  I work for him in his resturaunt.

    I manage the front ,order wine and yes, wait tables.

    He pays me 5 00 an hour . My check is around 2.00 a week . Sometimes 5.00

    I make between 89.00 – 200 in tips a night.

    I bought my own BMW z4 and I make payments.

    I was short on payments and he kicked in and help me .

    I am currently paying him .

    He is very controlling and jealous . He isn’t easy .

    I walk on eggshells .I’m not free and I accept my life

  26. 176
    Jo

    To Adam you seem like a nice man your right what you say ! I’m talking about being with a man that doesn’t give me money for my hair nails tan he does like that why not give me so I can treat myself I cookedfor him I loved him I’d do anything give him anything I have I don’t care what things vist if I could afford it I will get him that gift he wanted for his car or etc .. He doesn’t bring me flowers I have to ask for them I’ll arrange them myself I’m not asking for an arrangement he doesn’t out gas in my car he doesn’t do oil changes he believes I should take care of myself I have 3 kids it’s not his fault they aren’t his but he spends time with them sometimes he does give them money he does homework with them ohhh he makes great money ! I work too thank god for that I pay all my bills that’s ok I’m ok with that but he cleans my house sometimes that’s nice dinner we don’t go very often if we do it’s something quick and I’m fine with that too . I just want to feel like he would give me anything if he could because that’s me I’ll give anything I have when I love someone !

    1. 176.1
      Adam

      Jo,

      Thank you so much for your kind words. Also, thanks for explaining. You are right, if a woman needs to get her nails done or has other minor expenses I see nothing wrong with paying for them as long as you are in a committed relationship and she does things for you as well. Ultimately a relationship is a partnership and both partners should help each other.

       

      One of my friends has been with the same girl since they were in high school. They fell in love when they both had nothing except their love for each other and dreams. Long story short, years later my friend ended up becoming a highly paid consultant. He ended up making well into six figures, so while not a billionaire, he was and is very successful. He has not only taken her on many fancy vacations to exotic destinations, he also paid her way through college. She didn’t HAVE to go to college and get a job, but it was her dream to get a science degree and work in this field. So he supported her while she was in school and got her master’s degree. Once she got done, she got a job in this field and since he is successful, she can work in the field she is passionate about without having to worry about money. They now have kids and have been married for over 15 years. He is still quite successful and they are still crazy about each other after all these years. Now THAT is a real love and a real relationship.

      1. 176.1.1
        jo

        Wow Adam I love to hear stories like that 🙂 sounds like my story I married very young I was 23 he was 18 we didn’t have anything but love we grew together 8 years after the marriage we decided to have children we have 3 kids , I was a stay home mom took care of my kids took them to everyday activities homework cooked cleaned did everything a mom and wife should do and he cheated on me after 17 years married .. I loved him so much it hurted but I want him to be happy so I let go of the pain and hurt ..he’s still with the same woman I try and be very cordial with her our kids are so happy because we get along very well . He gave me everything spoiled me but at one point I didn’t have his heart and I felt empty .now I’m with this man that doesn’t like to really go eat out doesn’t like the movies says it’s a waste of money but hell take me if I want to go he never takes my girls and I places good thing is I’m ok financially I work I don’t need a man to take care of me but flowers are nice money’s nice for my hygiene I love to look pretty….my boyfriend doesn’t think he should give me money or do anything for me he says he will once we get married because he wants to make sure I’m the one I stay because I truly love him but my feelings get hurt when he only thinks about what he wants and needs . I know I need to get him out of my life but I seem to go back to him I’m very attractive so many men would like to take me out but I ignore all of them because I’m in a relationship

  27. 177
    your mom

    My boyfriend is cheap the only time it bothers me is if there is a trip or concert I want to go to and he won’t buy a ticket because he thinks it’s too expensive. I pay for everything on my own and we split everything for bills but the events bother me. Part of living life is doing things together and that sometimes costs money

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