Is It You Or Is It Men?

It recently occurred to me that I have two types of clients:

1) Women who are their own greatest problem – too busy, too picky, too egotistical, too shy, too negative, too passive, etc.

2) Women who are absolutely delightful with only one issue: they’re terrible at picking men.

Who do you think is easier for me to assist?

Look in the mirror and ask yourself – am I too picky, too egocentric, too passive – or have I simply never paid attention to the men who were excited about me?

Is it easier to tell a busy woman who is married to her job to take more time for love? To tell a 39-year-old woman who looks great for her age that she should open up to slightly older men instead of hoping for a hot 35-year-old? To convince a woman with a history of emotional abuse that men are not the enemy?

Or is it far simpler to teach women to value men who value them in return?

Yeah, it’s not such a mystery after all.

I’ve got three clients right now who are on the cusp of relationships after less than two months of working with me. They’re different, but their stories are the same.

They range from 40-51 years old and are bright, likeable, and attractive.

They had some bad experiences, made some mistakes, wasted some time on the wrong men, and, after reading Why He Disappeared, inquired about working with me. All fit neatly into my second category of delightful women with bad pickers.

And once we rebranded them on Match.com, and let the process take its course, it was only a matter of time until good things started to happen. (To be fair, one of these women met her guy through Speed Dating, so I can’t take credit.)

But what each of them is experiencing is what it feels like to be valued by a man.

Their new guys call them every day. They pay for every meal. They say they’re starting to fall for them. They’re taking down their profiles. They’re talking about a future.

My clients can’t believe that it was that easy to find men who would treat them so kindly and consistently.

But that’s not because those men aren’t out there.

That’s because my clients never chose those men before.

Still, my delightful women worry about screwing up – what if I say something wrong, what if it’s not right, what if, what if, what if.

You know what I tell them?

When a guy is into you, you CAN’T do anything wrong.

Just appreciate his effort and make him feel rewarded for being so good to you.

Yes, it’s that easy.

So look in the mirror and ask yourself – am I too picky, too egocentric, too passive – or have I simply never paid attention to the men who were excited about me?

If it’s the latter, you’re a lot closer to love than you even realize.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Paragon

    @ Susan

    “and i think this would work in reverse too – lets not forget that their are many women who fit the ”user/abuser” category.”

    Maybe, but I think that this plays out in very different terms, between the sexes.

    Namely, men tend to resent women who place them in the ‘friend zone'(even sometimes after marrying them, lol).

    On the other hand, bemoaning sexual exploitation is hardly a popular male grievance.

    I think this is why women tend to complain more about the men they *do* get, while men tend to complain more about the women they *don’t*.

  2. 62
    Paul Mawdsley

    Evan, thanks for your interesting articles and I appreciate gaining insight into your business model. Continued good luck.
    PM

  3. 63
    Jadafisk

    So where does it prove that women evaluate coercive men as more attractive than other kinds? This seems to be the hypothesis, based on circular logic:

    “Sexually coercive men that use high effort mating strategies are obviously more attractive than other kinds. How else are they getting all of that sex?”

    Perhaps because they’re frightening or blackmailing women and/or young girls into sex acts, along with propositioning many more women than average? I’m certain that coercion is clearly defined within the study, but I’m not seeing that definition here. Link me the copy, I’m coming up with dead ends and journal paywalls when I attempt to find it myself.

  4. 64
    Karl R

    Jadafisk asked: (#67)
    “So where does it prove that women evaluate coercive men as more attractive than other kinds?”

    That wasn’t what you asked him to prove back in (#59). The statement you asked him to prove was (paraphrased, see #57):
    More attractive men are permitted to be more sexually abusive/coercive.

  5. 65
    Happy Person

    Jadafisk 67: I’ve seen this kind of weird reasoning in other studies, too. That if people are getting laid (in this one) or getting noticed by the opposite sex (in another) that it’s because they’re more “attractive.” Bad studies because they aren’t considering other explanations for the result.

    It’s so hard to combat myths of this sort. Generally I don’t care, except in situations where people are suggesting that females get raped because they’re sexually attractive or women don’t get married because they’re ugly. Or that attractive men don’t rape because they don’t “have to.”

  6. 66
    Paragon

    @ Jadafisk

    “Landolt et al. (1995) found that men who scored high on a measure of “self-perceived mating success” more often selected shortterm mating tactics in a hypothetical dating situation than men who perceived themselves as less successful, particularly when the prospective partner was very attractive.

    This is of particular interest because high ME is one of the most important correlates of both delinquency and sexual
    coercion among young men (e.g., Bogaert 1993; Elliott & Morse 1989; Flannery et al. 1993).

    With regard to sexual coercion, men who report having been sexually coercive report more extensive sexual histories,
    including having more casual sex partners and earlier age of first intercourse, together with a greater preference for
    partner variety (reviewed in Quinsey & Lalumière 1995; Lalumière & Quinsey 1999).”

    It is important to note the the ‘shortterm mating tactics’ alluded to above, equates to high mating effort(ME), strategies which are strongly linked with sexual success.

    It is also a well established concept(unified across dispirate fields of study) that shortterm mating is a function of
    genetic benefits(reliably indicated through correlates of physical attractiveness).

    Thus, it seems reasonable to assume that male attractiveness is a mitigating factor in the liability posed by employing such coercive tactics(unless you want to argue against any tendency where females demonstrate a preference for males who are ‘high-risk’, with respect to the above indicators).

    @ Happy Person

    “I’ve seen this kind of weird reasoning in other studies, too. That if people are getting laid (in this one) or getting
    noticed by the opposite sex (in another) that it’s because they’re more “attractive.” Bad studies because they aren’t
    considering other explanations for the result.”

    And, in this case, what is the more plausible explanation?

    “It’s so hard to combat myths of this sort. Generally I don’t care, except in situations where people are suggesting that
    females get raped because they’re sexually attractive”

    Which the data supports(even if we consider deviations – expected variance – and where some variance is a function of
    opportunity – remember males are opportunistic in making qualitative concessions) – but let’s not go there, shall we?

    “Or that attractive men don’t rape because they don’t “have to.””

    Who’s making that argument here?

    The study I cited is actually suggesting otherwise.

  7. 67
    Jadafisk

    68 Are you seeing proof that more attractive men are permitted to be more abusive in the data he’s provided thus far, Karl R?

    70 Again, what do these “coercive tactics” entail? Also, did the scientists account for the possibility that men with a statistically higher level of delinquency who idealize a high partner count may also be more likely to construct tall tales regarding their sexual history, have a more inflated sense of their own attractiveness (apparently, their self esteem is all we have to go on in this regard), and/or pay women to have casual sex with them more often than regular folks?

  8. 69
    susan

    oh Paragon I’m laughing my head off…i dated a man for a short time at the end of last year. it ended when he texted me later in the day having spent the weekend with me, to complain that he was so unlucky because he was yet to find a woman that he thought was suitable to marry. and there were no good women out there. apparantly i didn’t even feature. talk about complain about the women he didn’t get.
    as an aside…he’s still single.

  9. 70
    Karl R

    Jafadisk asked: (#71)
    “Are you seeing proof that more attractive men are permitted to be more abusive in the data he’s provided thus far, Karl R?”

    I can’t tell if the studies prove it. The excerpts quoted might contain proof, but I can’t tell without seeing the definitions of the terms they are using.

    I believe Paragon’s assertion is true, but I don’t believe the study he’s looking at (#63 & #70) proves the assertion.

    The most recent study Paragon mentioned (#72) does indicate that women will accept an attractive man who only views the woman as a short-term mating prospect (which at least gets back to the men Evan was describing at the very beginning).

    I didn’t read enough of the study to see how common this tendency is. It did specifically indicate that this could shift at different points in a person’s life.

    The behavior which is accepted wouldn’t necessarily include abuse, but it would include infidelity. And Paragon has certainly made this point previously.

    If you combine the two studies, you could infer that women will accept abuse from attractive men as well. It would require a separate study to determine how strong the correlation is, and whether causation is indicated.

  10. 71
    Mia

    Is it us or is it men? I think Evans advice to be open to men who are excited about us is sound. But my problem has honestly been that I’ve been TOO willing to give many men a chance, even when I knew we had nothing in common and wouldn’t be compatible. Ive been so afraid I’ll miss out on something that I give nice but wrong men for me too much of my time instead of thinking hard about my own needs ( and they’re not looks, money, or instant chemistry).

    I know I’m not the only woman who struggles with this … My last bf is the best guy I know but dating him was an awful decision. We had been close friends and he adored me and was kind – after getting screwed so many times I thought that was enough. But it wasn’t — we had sex maybe once a month and for some reason it just never got to a deeper connection over 1 1/2 yrs. he was 34; I was 24. Still close friends and he just married a woman who is great fir him. Anyway, sometimes the hardest part is not walking away from the hot but bad boy, it’s walking away from the good but wrong guy.

  11. 72
    sarahrahrah!

    @ Paragon #70

    “It is also a well established concept(unified across dispirate fields of study) that shortterm mating is a function of
    genetic benefits(reliably indicated through correlates of physical attractiveness).”

    I’m a member of an adoptive family. Growing up, I felt uneasy about this until I got older and realized how good looking all the other adoptees were. I cannot think of a single “ugly” adoptee that I grew up with and I do not think it was just coincidence. In particular, a disproportionately high percentage of these people were strong athletes. I suspect that our “daddies” who left our biological mothers alone and pregnant also inadvertently gifted us with physical resilience.

  12. 73
    judy

    Evan 27 – yep.  They even try to treat me badly and I call a taxi and/or police.
    Abusers show signs very early on.  Not going to make a list but violent speech, (or…..too sweet speech), speaking really badly of others.  Watch a man/woman with a child or animal or someone else.
    That is how they will treat you.
     
     

  13. 74
    Rose

    Rape is to do with power and control not sex.  Is a complete load of rubbish that attractive men do not rape because they don’t have to.
    Most rapists are in al physical sexual relationship with a woman/women What they aren’t in is an emotionly connected loving relationship.

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