My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want to Have Sex With Me!

Hi Evan,

What about when a guy DOESN’T want to sleep with you?

I had been dating a guy I met from an online dating site for a little over a month. We were really good together, had a lot in common, had a blast anytime we were together. The second night he stayed over, he asked if we could sleep together. I was hesitant about it, since before that all we had done was kiss. So he apologized for asking and said he wanted me to: “make him wait.” The next time he stayed over, I said I didn’t want to wait anymore (hey, I’m only human!) but he said he still thought we should wait… He said how most of his relationships had been purely physical, and he didn’t want that for us.

He ended up staying over a couple of more nights, but we never slept together.

As much as I would like to believe he wanted to wait because he really liked me, that theory was thrown out the door when a couple of weeks ago he pulled a 180 and quit returning my calls and texts for 3 days. And then TEXTED me finally to say he wasn’t “ready for a relationship.” But that’s a whole other story…

Melissa

I can hear your frustration, Melissa, but I gotta tell you: I LOVE receiving role-reversing letters like this.

Women who complain that men are too clingy, men who get upset when women don’t call them after sex, women who make more money than men.

Next on Jerry Springer: Men who don’t want to have sex.

I’m sorry. This isn’t a silly matter at all. What it instantly brought to mind, actually, was a plot line on HBO’s new series “Tell Me You Love Me”. There’s a married couple on the show that hasn’t had sex in a year. You’re an individual who hasn’t slept with a guy in a month.

Okay, so they’re not that similar.

You didn’t really ask me a question, Melissa, so it’s hard to give an answer. But I will give you my opinion, which, not surprisingly, might challenge yours.

I think the guy did the right thing.

I think you should be thanking him.

I think it would have been a lot worse had he slept with you and stopped returning your calls.

It would have been a lot worse had he slept with you and stopped returning your calls.

Sure, his breakup skills could probably use a bit of polish, but really, this guy acted with total integrity. Unlike every jackass who has ever slept with a woman he had no intention of committing to, this guy refused to do so.

So apart from blowing you off by text message, how has he done anything wrong?

If sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, and NOT sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, what are we supposed to do until we figure out how we feel?

I dated someone last year for two and a half months before we had sex. Why? Because I wasn’t sure that I wanted her to be my girlfriend, and I didn’t want to hurt her by sleeping with her and bailing. I’m not saying guys like me deserve a medal, but wouldn’t you say that there’s something conscientious about waiting?…

I’ve had a couple of people tell me that this is a patronizing attitude.

“I’m a big girl. I can handle having sex without commitment.”

Yes, you can.

Sometimes.

Other times you think you can and are hurt when it doesn’t work out.

So if a guy recognizes that most early relationships DON’T work out and decides to hold off on sex, he’s being SELFISH?

Doesn’t sound like guys can really win here.

If sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, and NOT sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, what are we supposed to do until we figure out how we feel?

My guess, Melissa, is that he did like you, he didn’t want to go too fast and potentially lose respect, and then, after a few more dates, concluded that you weren’t a good fit.

As I said, he could have handled the breakup quite a bit better, but I’m not sure how he could have handled the sex part with any more tact.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Lisa

    I dated a man who wouldn’t even kiss me for a couple of months…shortly after he finally hugged and kissed me, he e-mailed me saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I still don’t understand why men start relationships when they aren’t ready for one. Not to mention that at the very least, a phone call would have been nice. I was stunned.

    1. 1.1
      elle

      Maybe he was dating someone else… Or he was confused about his sexuality(not necessarily gay but he could be asexual). I just don’t understand why date someone you are not attracted to or not sure about for months without telling them you have doubts about the relationship. It’s still stringing someone along and very selfish. Let the person choose if they want to wait around for you to decide whether you like them or not.

  2. 2
    Melissa

    Hi Evan,

    I wasn’t saying i was MAD that he didn’t sleep with me, i was just curious as to his actions since it’s usually the other way around with guys. If his intentions were good, more power to him. Unfortunately i guess i will never really know! But i do appreciate your opinion on the situation.

    And to Lisa, yes i will never understand that either….breaking up over an email or text message is just a cowardly thing to do.

  3. 3
    justme.jen

    Okay, I don’t like the text breakup, either (although maybe there’s less drama that way), but really, you have to give the guy points for not taking total advantage of the situation and of you by having sex when he wasn’t really sure if you guys were right together.
    I think sometimes we all tend to confuse “dating” with “having a relationship”, too. Maybe dating can lead to a long-term relationship, but until that’s defined, it’s still just dating, whether it’s for a week or a year…

  4. 4
    Marc F.

    It’s entirely possible that he has some sexual insecurities/ issues that he was too embarrassed to expose to you. That might explain the text message break up as well. He may simply be ashamed.

  5. 5
    Selena

    I wonder if he may have had something else going on: someone else he was dating/ had his eye on that he chose to concentrate on over you? A girlfriend that he was on shaky ground with? Perhaps broke up with then got back together? An STD he didn’t want to tell you about right off the bat?

    Texting you that way does seem cowardly. I’m guessing he may have just been “testing the waters” with you. Found for whatever reason, he didn’t want to go further and ended it the way he did by convincing himself that there really wasn’t a relationship there after only a month and no sex. True I suppose, but it is confusing when you really think you’ve hit it off with someone and then they just vanish with little or nothing in the way of explanation nevertheless.

    I’d say be glad he flaked out now rather than a few months from now after you may have become more attached. And isn’t it better that he did it before you ever slept together rather than after?

  6. 6
    Jill

    “If sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, and NOT sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, what are we supposed to do until we figure out how we feel?”

    Now there’s a question that seems to totally answer itself!!!!!!!!!! :-0 ;-0 :-0

    KIDDING!!!!!!!! TOTALLY KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;-) :-) :-)

  7. 7
    Kami

    Bottom line…..he just wasn’t that into you! Be thankful you dodged THAT bullet. Stop wondering what happened…you’ll NEVER get a straight answer – at least from HIM. Just let it go and move on. Be glad it was sooner rather than later. Texting you that he ‘wasn’t ready for a relationship’…showed you who he was! Done…NEXT! Lol.

    1. 7.1
      Gib

      Really Kami?! So i guess the fact of holding on sex means nothing?, because in the end, as stated above, with guys, its always a no win situation. You would have appreciated more the fact that he DID have sex, as long as he called to break up, as opposed to texting? Really, what would have been the correct procedure?, just face the fact that he wasn’t into her, he was giving it a chance because probably he thought she was worth it. He didn’t want to take advantage so he played it that way. Not the best to have texted her, but the rest was done just right, he just wasn’t into her!

  8. 8
    Sam

    I don’t think a text message is a considerate way to break up with someone, but the phone can be a lot better than an in person meeting.

    If you arrange an in person meeting the person being broken up with might get his/her hopes up all for nothing. The person being broken up with may be extremely hurt by the news, and may not want to be trapped with the person who has just hurt him or her. Making someone else drive to you, and then breaking up with him/her, is highly selfish and even dangerous.

  9. 9
    lyric

    lol…Jill…thumbs up:)

  10. 10
    XIII

    I think he wanted to hurt you. The first time you rejected him he was hurt and said he wanted to wait then pulled the waiting game till you wanted him then rejected you just to get you back. Just my thoughts.

  11. 11
    Lisab

    I had a guy like that who made every excuse. I have never before had any trouble in that department and this guy damn near ruined me. he is the reason I don’t date now and might not for years. I am a young pretty widow raising a child alone. I have a great job and good life with wonderful family and friends. He found me. I thought he was trustworthy because my husband and I knew him as a neighbor long ago. I couldn’t have been more wrong. It just seemed that he was interested in finally having what my husband had. In the end? During the 90 days duration of this nightmare, he lied to me, skipped over all the necessary elements for intimacy and meeting any of my needs in the beginning of the relationship, paraded me around like a long haired blond Barbie groping me in public, not hardly touching me in private, got into my son’s life and befriended him, lied to me more and asked me to hang on and keep giving him chances, told me it was a medical problem, told me he would get medical attention, lied to me some more and told me he couldn’t get into the doctor, made plans to do something nice for my son and I and then lied to get out of it and I caught him staying home rather than doing what he said he had to do, just plain bizarre behavior. I cut it off and I want to slap this man hard across the face for playing this game with my child and I. I cut it off after 90 days and he still goes around telling people he just can’t understand why I broke it off and he loves me. I contacted him and he never asked about my son it’s like he is one person in public, another monster in private but way way ‘nice’, never intrusive or outwardly angry. Just emotionally abusive and I smelled it 30 day into the whole deal. I hung on just to see how big of a liar this person really was and I was right. I immediately cut him off from my son when I saw the strangeness begin. So cut clean and leave immediately, things don’t get any better they only get worse. Find someone real to meet your needs.

  12. 12
    Michael Ejercito

    i have been dating my current boyfriend for 10 months now
    and i have the same problem
    he wont have sex with me
    ive tried everything
    i buy condoms i get us alone and naked
    and then
    nothing.
    he says he doesnt know why
    he just wont.
    so i feel your pain.
    any help for me?

    Does he insist on marrying you before he has sex with you?

    If so, you will have to answer for yourself whether or not you want to marry him.

    If he said nothing on that subject, tell him if he does not bone you, someone else will.

  13. 13
    Selena

    Hannah,
    To me sex is what differenciates a boyfriend from a friend. Sex drives in people can vary over the years, with situations, with health issues. But if your bf of 10 mos. just won’t have sex with you, he is not what I would call a boyfriend, he is essentially a friend.

    Why don’t you end the so-called bf/gf relationship, keep him as just a friend, and open yourself to meeting someone new? You are not married and I don’t see any percentage for you in continuing to beat what would appear to be a dead horse.

  14. 14
    Marie

    i’m pretty sure i either dated the same person or someone exactly like him… the almost identical thing happed to me… it was the most frustrating thing ever… i wonder if it was the same person.

    1. 14.1
      Janelle

      I am in the same situation. I’ve been “seeing” a man that is 48 and he claims he’s not had sex in two years.  We kiss a little have slept in the same bed together a few times and nothing!
      Im afraid to say anything in case it’s a medical condition. I keep thinking maybe it’s me, maybe I’m not good looking enough or whatever.  At least I’m not alone with this problem it seems. 

  15. 15
    sheena

    I was sexually assaulted 2 years ago, took me 2 years to get myself back out there. I recently met a wonderful bloke, who told me he had fallen in love with me, could see a future with me.

    I was ready to commit my life and body to him. I trusted him whole heartedly. I believed that I was ready to restart my life and let him be part of it.

    Then one day, a month after being together, he told me he doesnt want sexual contact with me.

    The assault made me feel dirty, cheap and suicidal. His betrayal of- i love u, wanna be with u, but dont wanna be intimate with you has reignited how I felt after the assault.

    Sex in a relationship isnt about wham bam thank you, its about sharing ur body, getting closer to somone. All I wanted from him was show me he loved me, feel closer to him.

    But I guess i made the fatal mistake of telling him what id been through………..

  16. 16
    Kelley

    Well my boyfriend who has lived with me for almost 9 months now has not had sex w/me for 49 days. Oh at first it was all the time, then in January it stopped, said it was all his fault, psychological, etc. I was maybe having it once a month, but now nothing. I am really at my wits end, in fact at times I really don’t like him. He says he loves me but never ever shows it. It looks like I will be dumping him.

  17. 17
    ktbabygurl

    wow that sounds awful. but it looks like that relatinship was over a few months ago. i hope you’ve gotten rid of him by now.

  18. 18
    Bryce

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months and he doesn’t want to have sex with me either. At first I liked it because its hard to find a gay guy who isn’t all about sex. But after 7 months and he still won’t do it with me I am starting to wonder about him….I know he is gay because I have seen him get off to his porn and how he gets grossed out by girls but……I don’t know…I started thinking it was me maybe I just wasn’t hot enough….so I started dieting and exercised everyday….now I exercise twice a day…..and I am in really good shape…..so I don’t know….maybe its because I have a really good paying job and he doesn’t do anything but stay at home….I am starting to think he is depressed.

  19. 19
    hunter

    on post #19

    I know there are many, many, guys that don’t know how to ask for sex, herds of men that don’t know how to seduce a woman. Isn’t that why women call them, “nice guys/good boys?”

  20. 20
    hunter

    …they are not always, gay/depressed…some are uninformed, some have low self esteem/no self respect, that is still not your problem…

  21. 21
    vegemite

    i don’t know what the go is maybe you guys can shed some light onto the suitation… I met a guy through a mate and we hit it off instantly. He was affectionate, caring sent me messages took me to work, I always caught him smiling at me, met his family the whole thing. Then out of the blue he acts cold, I can’t get anythign out of him so i speak to his bestmate (they mate who introduced us to each other) and i find out by him that hes not ready for a relationship and doesn’t wnat to hurt my feelings. So i confront him and even then he doesn’t say much, so i make a decesion and i brake up with him. Afterwards he invites me to all these things and even buys me ice-cream. When i see him a week later as he wanted to make me dinner he acts as if we are still going out. Also when i’m with male friends he gets jelous and makes my mates know that he is there. Within a few weeks after we break up he tells me about these girls he has. (like he on a rebound) I needed to get over him so i toldhim i needed time to get my feelings sorted out and to get over him. Hes best mate and i are still friends and so I see him often. Now they live togethere and i have given myself a few months of getting over him but now he won’t even speak to me and last time i saw him when i went to our mutual mates place he was “sleeping” and the whole time woundn’t speak to me and whenever he knows im somewhere he avoids the place… Any insight as to what on earth went on? Thanx.

  22. 22
    Virgin

    what about in teenagers? i confronted my boyfriend about not trying to initiate sex or respond when i initiate it.
    He said that he wouldnt have sex with me because i rejected him the first time he asked for it, (on the second date). He is a virgin.

    Ive asked him if he wants to be friends and he said no.
    i think for a teenage boy this is really weird and frustrating. Im ready to lose my V’s now (5 months since then), and he won’t because i didnt want it back then, as if ive lost my opportunity.

    is he frigid? and how do i fix it? would viagra actually work?

  23. 23
    Karl R

    Virgin, (#23)

    I have several immediate thoughts about your situation.

    #1 This boy is not your boyfriend. He doesn’t want to have sex with you, and he doesn’t want to be friends. So unless you’re using some bizarre definition of the word, he’s not your boyfriend.

    #2 You will have thousands of opportunities to lose your virginity. You decided to pass on one opportunity.

    #3 Your ex-boyfriend didn’t respect your decision to not have sex on the second date. I wouldn’t have sex with anyone who doesn’t respect my right to say “no”.

    #4 He won’t have sex with you because you said “no” to him once. This means he’s carrying a grudge … and a big enough grudge to overlook his sex drive. I wouldn’t have sex with someone who carried a grudge like that, and I certainly wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who carried a grudge like that.

    One of the best reasons to avoid having sex with someone on the first few dates is so you can find out whether they respect you (are mature, etc) before you have sex with them. You’ve now discovered two excellent reasons not to have sex with him. Move on to someone else.

    #5 If he does have sex with you, he will just be using you for the fun of sex and so he can lose his virginity. Then again, it sounds like you’d be using him for the exact same thing.

    #6 Viagra won’t do a thing. Viagra helps men who want to have sex with a woman, but are physically unable to. Your ex-boyfriend does’t want to have sex with you. That’s a big difference.

    #7 I don’t think he’s frigid. I think he’s just doesn’t want to have sex with you.

    #8 You can’t “fix” him (at least not in the way that you meant it). Think about someone truly dislike. Now think about how they could “fix” you so you would like them. It sounds silly, right? There’s nothing to “fix” with your ex-boyfriend. Move on and find another guy (preferably one that respects you and is a little more mature, but that’s ultimately your decision).

    #9 Your situation doesn’t sound “really weird”. Your ex-boyfriend sounds immature, but that’s pretty normal for teenagers.

    You can either drive yourself crazy with this situation, or you can let go and walk away. Based on your description, this boy isn’t worth going crazy over.

  24. 24
    Seductress Within

    Virgin, Women spend years and years trying to help, fix, figure out, and change men.
    The best piece of advice I can give you is to accept things for what they are. It is what it is. Don’t hang on to this boy because you’re afraid to be alone or find someone else.
    Don’t try to fix this problem so that you can feel loved or forgiven for turning him down before.

    Have you thought about breaking up with him?

    If his reason for not having sex with you is that you turned him down on your second date (if that is even the truth) tells you all you need to know. He’s immature, selfish, and unloving by trying to make you feel guilty and bad for honoring yourself.

    Don’t be in a hurry to loose your virginity and choose very carefully who that person will be. This boy isn’t “scarred” because you turned him down. You did what was right for you. Maybe he isn’t for you.

  25. 25
    missy

    Hmmm interesting comments. I have been going out if you can call it that, with my boyfriend for 5 months. He is well know for being a bit of a lad and i know he has slept with more women that i care to think about !!! That is everyone except me !!! I am at the stage now where i dont sleep over at his and when i drop him off after a night out its a case of a peck on the lips and thats it !!! If i confront him he says he has a lot of problems at the moment (hes out of work, skint, in debt etc) and i understand that but how does that stop him from wanting any intamacy with me. I am starting to feel like the most unattractive person in the world ( Im not by the way). He says he loves me to bits and always wants to spend his time with me, but as far as passion is concerned !!! Thing is its getting worse cos i have not stopped trying and am too scared to go near him. When we are at his house, we even sit on seerate settees. Someone tell me im not going mad and that this guy is taking the p*** . I am so hurt and confused !!!

  26. 26
    kaz

    hey i’ve been with my partner for 2 yrs an we only have sex once every 2 or 3 wks, he says he fancies me an finds me attractive but i dnt feel it wen everytime i try he makes excuses an says i always pick the wrong times to want to have it an feel that wen he sleeps with me he feels he just has to…….is he just not that into me or jus has a low sex drive (not sure)…..any suggestions?

  27. 27
    Karl R

    kaz asked: (#27)
    “is he just not that into me or just has a low sex drive (not sure)”

    Since he has been with you for 2 years, I think he’s into you. But there are are a number of physical and psychological causes for low sex drive.

    physical: obesity, alcoholism, some prescribed drugs, etc.

    psychological: stress, depression, hang-ups from childhood, serious relationship problems, etc.

    When is the last time that your partner saw a doctor?

  28. 28
    Muffy

    It could be that he’s very sensitive and did the right thing…could be. But, if he was willing to sleep together initially, it sounds more like he was never intending to have a serious relationship and felt like hooking up. Then decided he might give it more of a chance and realized that he was right to begin with. I think guys sometimes just go out with women to fill a void and if he can have sex with her great, but women usually think that means he likes her and unfortunately, a lot of times he doesn’t.

  29. 29
    glory

    hi ,well i know what u mean and feel i dont think the guy wanted to have u he is not series?is he? for me i will get bored from him/hhhhhhhhh…?

  30. 30
    KatieM

    Melissa’s situation sounded like what I went through. I met this really cool guy before and we went out on a few dates (no sex), and it was great. Then without warning a few weeks later he stopped calling and texting and talking to me. A few months later I found him on facebook and his reply was “oh I’m so sorry, I got scared, and I didn’t really want a serious relationship”. Just bullcrap excuses, basically.

    This was 2 years ago and I’m now with a great guy. And the loser? Oh he gained 50 pounds and grew a mullet. Imagine the smile on my face when I saw his new photo.
    Everything happens for a reason!!

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