Am I Wasting My Life With Him?

Am I Wasting My Life With Him?Hi Evan, My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years (off and on) says he loves me everyday, but his actions don’t follow his words. He doesn’t show me affection or attention, either physically or verbally. By this I mean he does not send text messages to say good morning anymore, he calls sometimes, but never to just say “Hi, I am thinking of you”; it’s always just to ask a financial question or work-related question. Sometimes he calls to tell me he needs something or to tell me something that happened to him. He never builds me up with kind or sweet words like he did in the beginning. He very rarely touches me, and sex has diminished ALOT over the last 10 months. It’s as though he lives in his world by himself, and so I am supposed to live by myself in mine, yet we live together…. I’m not saying that I require these things everyday, but every once in a while it would be nice to know that he thinks I am pretty or sweet or SOMETHING. I don’t think I am being too high maintenance by wanting his attention, but then again, I am not a guy and don’t know what they think or why they think it. He has asked me about marrying him a few times; I say “about” because he later told me that he was just asking to see where I was on the subject, not REALLY asking. Yet if he says something to me involving marrying him, I playfully reply with “I haven’t been asked”, to which he replies, “I have asked you”. So now not only does his behavior confuse me, but I cant help but wonder is he just not that into me, but afraid to break up? What do I do? I feel like I am in a sea of uncertainty and wasting my life away waiting on him. Your thoughts? –Michelle

Michelle,

My thoughts?

You don’t really want my thoughts, do you?

My thoughts are merely going to challenge your worldview, rock the axis of your earth, and change the course of your entire life.

That’s a lot of impact you’re willing to give some stranger who gives dating advice.

I don’t understand this phenomenon of “My boyfriend is totally indifferent towards me; how can I lock him in for the rest of my life?”

But since you asked, I only have one real question for you:

“Why?”

Why would you spend 2 ½ years with a man who doesn’t show you affection or attention?

Why would you spend 2 ½ years with a man who never does the “little things”?

Why would you spend 2 ½ years with a man who doesn’t ask how YOU’RE doing?

Why would you spend 2 ½ years with a man who never compliments you?

Why would you spend 2 ½ years with a man who rarely touches you or makes you feel hot?

Why would you spend 2 ½ years with a man who lives in his own adjacent world?

And, most importantly, given that he doesn’t do any of the things that you want from a long-term partner, that you DESERVE from a long-term partner…

WHY THE HELL DO YOU WANT TO MARRY HIM?

You’re not alone, Michelle, but, for the life of me, I don’t understand this phenomenon of “My boyfriend is totally indifferent towards me; how can I lock him in for the rest of my life?”

Just yesterday, I talked to a member of my Inner Circle who says that she’s been with her live-in boyfriend for 3 ½ years, and that he proposed and “unproposed” to her because she was too bossy. So now she’s on probation to try to win back the ring that she lost. If that’s not enough, I asked her what percentage of her relationship was good. She said about 50%.

Can you see the willful blindness of this situation?

She’s fighting hard to preserve an unhappy union with a man who really doesn’t want to get married, who doesn’t think she’s a good partner, who has all the power in the relationship.

Why?

Low self-esteem? Loneliness? Fear? Sunk costs?

But to me, it’s like you were test driving a car for three years that stalled 50% of the time …and trying to negotiate a deal to own that car for life.

Why?

You might understand the concept of “actions speak louder than words”, Michelle, but until you start living your life by that rule and making sure there are consequences towards his coldness towards you, you’re hurtling towards a lifetime of unhappiness.

To answer your original question, in a line: yes, you’re wasting your life with him, and honestly, you wouldn’t be asking me that question if you didn’t know it was true.

Get out now.

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Comments:

  1. 91
    Ld

    wow. Pretty much feel like you just described my life… It feels more and more like a friendship each day…

  2. 92
    jp

    Why do women waste their lives in relationships where they aren’t getting all they want? I think, as a women, I have some of the answers:

    1. At one time they were what we wanted and we hope that they will go back to being what we wanted again. (We know they have it in them because they once were that way. So the real question is how to get them back to being that way.)

    2. Because many of us believe that what is out there is possibly worse. A saying comes to mind. The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t. (Part of it is not wanting to be alone.)

    3. Because we are made to feel what we are asking for is too much, they we aren’t being fair in the relationship. This of course is the spin, manipulation. Words like too emotional, or even crazy are sometimes used to put you in your place. Then you have self doubt and you are scared you might lose the best thing you ever had.

    In the end, you have to be happy with being alone. If you can be happy with being alone then breaking up with someone is much easier.

    Too many women and maybe men don’t want to be alone so they sacrifice getting want they want in a relationship and settle for what is there.

    Anyone who things they want to get out of relationship needs to start by moving slowly away from that other person and getting comfortable with each step and then hopefully you can move enough steps where you can look at your situation rationally and decide if it is time to go.

    Good luck!

  3. 93
    Nana

    Run from this self serving shell of a man. I have been married for almost 40 years to a man who always put his friends first. He has gone through friend after friend, all more important than me and our 3 kids. His latest friend is a woman he works with, takes to lunch, and texts with evenings and weekends. He texted her “Baby I love you” and she texted back ” I love you too”. Someone saw the text so he says it was a joke. He has porn on his tablet, what did I ever see in him

     

  4. 94
    A

    It’s called. Gas lighting. Read up women.

  5. 95
    anna

    I am in the same situation so you are not alone. Myboyfriend use to text me good morning and now the only way he will is that if I text him 1st. I just want to feel like a woman again, I want to feel loved and wanted.

  6. 96
    Shauntoya

    This was a helpful for me

  7. 97
    Zara

    He’s on PORN. Duh

    1. 97.1
      Jennifer

      Absolutely!!!!!!!!

  8. 98
    Tee

    I can relate to that. Sometimes you just want to hear those sweet words. You just want to feel loved and i ask myself everyday why it is soo difficult for men to be affectionate, loving and caring. Is that too much to ask for?

    I am at the point where i think relationships are just way too complicated. When my boyfriend and i started dating he could hardly let an hour go by without talking to me and after work he would call me and we would chat for hours.

    He always came home to see me and presented himself as the romantic type. Although it took him some months before he could say, ‘i love you’ i didn’t mind because i thought it was rather better to have a man who proved his love through his actions than words.

    Four months now into the relationship and although i had told myself the words didn’t matter i am beginning to compare him with my X. I always try to look pretty each time i see him but never has he told me that i look beautiful. I cook for him but never has he complimented my cooking and to me its kind of discouraging in a way.

    If we have problems and i try to express myself he gives me curt, cold responses that make me wonder if ever he thinks before he responds. Although i am not a virgin i haven’t slept with this guy and i told him i would want to wait till we married. Sometimes i get the feeling he is angry and frustrated that i can’t do it with him when i have done it before.

    Since i am not sure if this relationship will work i am determined not to give away the cookie as i do not want to feel used afterwards. If he can ill treat me now before i do it what more after.

    I am a very sensitive lady who wants to feel loved. I love romantic guys and my X was very romantic, bought me flowers, took me out for dinner and called me all those sweet names. The only reason we not together is coz his parents stood in the way of our relationship and we had to cancel our wedding a few months before the date. It was heartbreaking.

    I had to move away from home to find some closure and that is the time i met this guy. I took him and accepted him for the person he is, i love him with all my heart bt the only reason i am beginning to miss my X is coz i am feeling he is not the person i thought he was. I am kind of confused, should i let it go or should i stay. He says he is serious and wants to marry me but i am thinking we too different.

    I love dressing up and looking nice but he is just chilled and can put on anything, doesn’t care  much. I am 28 and thinking i am running out of time, if i let him go i might find myself 30 single and miserable. I want to get married, be happy and have kids.

  9. 99
    Brandi

    Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it!!!! I spent years with someone who had the affection capacity of a statue. Never a compliment, and rarely would touch me except  30 seconds before he wanted  sex. I thought I could change him over the years because I was affectionate, but that absolutely does not work take it from me. My advice for anyone that has this type of man, PHUCKING RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!!!!

  10. 100
    Christine

    Excellent advice from Evan!   I was in an eerily similar situation myself.   I was in a fog, living in the midst of that situation, and I just couldn’t see straight.  All the while, he was sitting back dangling my marionette strings, and giving me just enough crumbs to stick around.  I was a circus act jumping through higher and higher hoops to try and win back his attention and affection.  Anytime I tried to communicate with him that I was unhappy, he would state,  “All you do is make me feel like a failure!” and then run into his room and lock the door for several hours.

    It was sick, twisted,  and dysfunctional.  The relationship was a disillusion.  It was fool’s gold.

    I am so happy that I joined Love U.  It has helped me to gain confidence and self esteem, to see the errors in my previous ways of thinking,  and to make more effective choices for my life.

  11. 101
    Jennifer

    Seriously about to blind side you…but he might be a sex addict.  Google for signs and symptoms – if any fit, GET OUT NOW.  My life was stolen from me by the best liar on earth.  If he hadn’t told me himself I never would have believed this is the man I married.  NEVER accept lack of intimacy and write it off without question like I did.  RESEARCH IT….and don’t convince yourself of ANYTHING.  Don’t listen to your gut. Be objective and only look at facts.  If you are questioning it, GET OUT NOW.  Nobody is worth this trauma.

  12. 102
    S.

    I needed to read this so badly. I’m currently living with my boyfriend, whose child I’m expecting in 3 months. But my boyfriend pays NO attention to me. Doesn’t talk to me, touch me, or even look at me most of the time. I feel like I’m begging for affection & that isn’t how a relationship is supposed to be. Sex still happens sometimes, but immediately after, it’s back to our own separate worlds. I feel pretty pathetic. I want to make it work, mostly for our daughter, but I know our relationship should be much different & he isn’t willing to work with me to make it better. I’m thinking this post may have just given me the push I needed to demand his effort or we’re done, so thank you.

  13. 103
    Faith Swift

    Me and my boyfriend have been together 1 year and 4 months he tells me he loves me all the time he even writes me love letters saying he don’t know what he would do without me but when he gets on his phone it’s like I don’t even exist

  14. 104
    Pretty sure M bf

    Unfortunately I beleive I’m Michelles bf, well now ex bf. We still live together currently. I admit affection went the wayside, but I’ve always wanted to marry her, I just never quite asked officially. What Michelle doesn’t tell Evan is that she goes through 3 liters of box wine every other night and doesn’t remember most nights because of it. Michelle failed to communicate her needs, so I withdrew somewhat. It became more comfortable to set aside feelings and if given the opportunity I’d change my ways because I really truly love her with all my heart. I want to marry her. Recently she emotionally cheated on me. She left her fb open and I found many messages to guys she used to hook up with. I was devastated, but ultimately I just want her happy, even if it isn’t with me.

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