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“Where is the best place to meet a quality, relationship-oriented man? I’m really open to everything you say, Evan, but I never meet any good men!”
I hear ya.
It’s certainly frustrating to want to prioritize your love life, but not have the opportunity to meet any new men on a day-to-day basis.
This lack of opportunity, above all, is the main reason that you’re not in love now.
It’s not because you’re terrible with men.
It’s not because you have nothing to offer.
The reason you’re single is simply that you haven’t met the right guy — and yet you have no idea where he’s coming along.
I’ve only got one word for you, my friend.
Match.com
Before you tune out or run away screaming, hear me out.
Because this isn’t just my opinion. This is fact.
As opinionated as I am, I’m always open to the possibility of being proven wrong.
I hope you are, too.
Did you hear that? That’s the sound of your preconceived notions being shattered.
Because studies show that facts don’t actually matter when you have a deeply held opinion.
That’s right.
If I told you that 2 + 2 = 4, but you believe that 2 + 2 = 5, no amount of evidence can make you change your mind. In fact, any evidence that I provide that contradicts you is only going to make you believe in your original premise more.
Fascinating, isn’t it?
Yes, you’re hardwired to be stubborn and, as such, you can easily fall victim to “the confirmation bias”, which seeks out information which only reaffirms what you already believe (biting my tongue on the obvious Fox News joke…)
So, if you have dated online and discovered the following:
– Men sometimes lie.
– Men often flake out.
– Men are poor at marketing themselves.
– Men are stupid, sexual and visual.
– The wrong men write to you. The right men don’t.
I wouldn’t be able to argue with any of this.
And if you concluded that, because of those observations, you weren’t inclined to try online dating again, you’d have plenty of evidence to support yourself.
But, in writing off online dating you’d be making a massive mistake. Here’s why:
In the past three years, 17% of all married couples met through online dating.
This is more than TWICE the number of couples who met through bars, clubs, and other social events.
Did you hear that?
That’s the sound of your preconceived notions being shattered.
Don’t fight it.
Now, to be fair, 38% of marriages came from work and school. And 27% came through a friend or family member.
So clearly that must mean that those are “better” ways of meeting…
Not so fast.
How many people have a job or go to school? About 100%
How many people have friends and family? About 100%
How many people are paying for online dating sites at a given time? Maybe 5%.
What this illustrates is that, proportionally, 5% of the population (online daters) accounts for 17% of the marriages in the past 3 years.
Which goes to show that the people who are dating online are finding love at a significantly higher rate than people who rely on workplace romance or set-ups.
“So what?!” you might say to yourself, still unconvinced. “I dated online and HATED it! That should mean something!”
Irking women is my job. Anything to get you outside your comfort zone, to get you to see the world through a different, more empowering lens.
Yes. Yes it does. It means you have a deep-seated bias against online dating, so that anything I say which contradicts you is just going to irk you more.
Irking women is my job. Anything to get you outside your comfort zone, to get you to see the world through a different, more empowering lens.
So let’s keep on going with your other misconceptions about online dating:
You dated online for 3 months and didn’t find love? Makes sense. You’ve been in love 3 times in 40 years — why would you think you should it in 90 days on JDate?
You’ve noticed that men tend to disappear in the middle of emailing? Consider: have YOU ever disappeared in the middle of emailing a man because you found other men you liked better? I thought so.
You think that men misrepresent their height or age? Yep. And so do women. Maybe even you. It’s not because you have no integrity or are a congenital liar. It’s because men and women both discriminate based on looks and age, and you merely want to be given an opportunity to meet.
You don’t want to pay so much for a service that yields no results? Go out for one night of drinks and appetizers with your girlfriends. You just spent more than an entire month on Match.com and you didn’t meet any guys either.
You think that 90% of men online are “wrong” for you. You’re right. But so are 90% of men in bars, on buses, or in Starbucks. If you have high standards, MOST men are not going to be to your liking.
So if 90% of all men aren’t even first-date worthy, where is the place where you have access to the greatest number of men?
You got it: Match.com.
Listen, I’m no Pollyanna. I’m not a corporate shill for the online dating industry. I don’t think your negative experience in online dating is silly.
I’m just a dating coach who specializes in helping women meet, connect with, and understand men.
But all the dating advice in the world is useless if you’re not actually dating regularly!
If you’ve resisted online dating because of your preconceived notions about how it is, I assure you, it’s because you’ve never tried it my way.
I usually don’t plug products here, but please, do yourself a favor and check out my audio series, Finding the One Online. It’s literally EVERYTHING I know about online dating, with a 180 page transcript, a 35 page workbook and 7 hours of coaching with the same exact information that my private clients get on the phone.
Most importantly, it will forever change the way you connect with men online.
I look forward to hearing your success stories.
Zaneeta says
Does match.com pay to promote them 🙂 or do you think it is the best of all of the options. What about the others like Plenty of Fish or e-Harmony?
Evan Marc Katz says
Match.com definitely does NOT pay me to promote them. It’s just a big brand name placeholder for online dating and I do actually prefer it as a mainstream site. Plenty of Fish is like the flea market – lots more low quality options, people looking for a very important service but unwilling to pay anything for it, but there is enough volume that you could find a diamond in the rough. And eHarmony requires no skill and doesn’t allow much choice – but it has the best compatibility model and the highest price point, so it’s for the most relationship-oriented people, not folks just looking to get laid. The point is that it doesn’t matter which website you’re on – if you’re not meeting enough quality people in real life, dating online is a resource that you MUST utilize.
Me says
Actually the same men on Match were all on Plenty of Fish too….
I tend to disagree with you and think that online dating sites provide another option and are another tool, but, shouldn’t we be able to think of other ways of meeting someone? every day there are opportunities to strike up conversation with someone you meet at the corner market to the coffer shop or gym…. I just think we’re losing the art of flirting because we’re starting to become more dependant on dating sites.
Lena says
I must say, I agree with you! I probably tried almost all of the popular dating apps and felt as if it made me insecure about meeting guys face to face. Now, when I see a cute guy at the metro station or in a café I just smile but don’t go up and introduce myself, because I have no idea if he’s interested/single. It’s different from (example) Tinder, all you have to do is swipe, match then chat! Too easy and not so romantic.
Cha says
I have nothing against online dating – you gave a % of married couples that met through online dating. How many of those marriage was or are successful? Being successful and remaining together is VERY IMPORTANT GIVING THE AMOUNT OF DIVORCES TODAY.
Evan Marc Katz says
a) Divorce rate is going down steadily. College educated couples who get married over 30 are about 20%
b) There is no indication that online dating marriage are any worse than regular ones. Studies point in both directions.
Not Jerry says
Actually, what EMK said was “5% of the population (online daters) accounts for 17% of the marriages in the past 3 years.”
which is not exactly the same thing.
As he also said 100% of those same people who do online dating also have work or school, and friends, and family.
So it’s actually unknown whether online daters actually met the person they ended up marrying on a bus, or at Starbucks.
It’s not really fair to credit “online dating” for the resulting marriage, since we just don’t have the data for that.
Evan Marc Katz says
Actually, it is. One study said 17% of marriages started from online dating. Another said 1/3 of marriages began with an online meeting. Either way, the Internet was the meeting point, not buses or Starbucks.
Not Jerry says
But did you ever read this? Before you say you disagree with this, let me just say that the author of this blog post now works for match.com.
http://web.archive.org/web/20101006104124/http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/why-you-should-never-pay-for-online-dating/
They took the post down after they were acquired by match.com (match.com is a public company and owns 70+ dating site brands), but the post is still in the internet archive.
They bought their competitor and the author of this old post to get the mathematicians. For the matching.
But the inherent conflict of interest that pay sites always have remains.
Evan Marc Katz says
Yes, I saw that and I commented on how they used statistics unfairly to skew their point. I’m not going to read it again to tell you what I found objectionable, but I can tell you that I believe that those who are willing to invest money in their love lives are more serious about relationships – in general – than those who utilize a free service.
Not Jerry says
EMK, I don’t think that problem was at all the money, it was that you are emailing ghosts, and you don’t know it.
And that you are not really sure who they show you, since if they showed you the paid and unpaid (chaff, those that as you say are not willing to invest money in their love life) interchangeably. So you are emailing those that you say are not worthy. No argument there.
They can’t however show you too many unpaid members, because you would be discouraged at the poor response.
This is different than your former employer, Jdate, which was a niche and I am pretty sure anyone who was on there was indeed serious.
PT says
Unfortunately I found out the hard way that not all paid sites are actually fair in their promises. My experience with e-Harmony was that the site recycles old profiles to keep providing matches for you. The author is right that e-Harmony offers VERY little choice, so you can’t look through 40 profiles and choose which one you like. You are sent a group of “matches” on a daily basis that fit your algorithm. In my case, my specifications were likely too narrow because even with their super “scientific” algorithm, I kept getting profiles of guys who had long left the site and had listed on their profiles that they were no longer available, some stated they’d already found a relationship. I wondered why e-Harmony wasn’t auditing profiles better to prevent this, or at least dumping inactive profiles from the system. I deleted my photos before I left the site myself to prevent some poor guy from receiving my inactive profile as a match, I cancelled my paid membership, and no longer log-on to check messages. After bringing this to their attention, I had to call around the globe to get a refund of my remaining balance. Complete waste of time.
Claire says
I beg to differ. I’m currently on match.com and although I’ll say that there are plenty of men on the site. About 1/2 are looking for women in their 20s and 30s, many are just looking for an ego boost and not willing to date in person.
the others are newly divorced Or separated and just getting back into dating so they don’t know how to date. They’re really good at flirting and emailing and liking but rarely does it turn into s real date. not to mention the fake profiles, lewd creeps and men who lied about their age or physical appearance. I got s few days off the site but many of them were duds who were just looking to get sex or get their feet wet after a divorce
online dating can be a way to get practice talking to men, but I wouldn’t say it’s the single place to do so. They say 1 in 5 relationships start in online dating but those aren’t good odds if you do the math. Men hide behind technology and and I’ve found that match is no better than any of the others. I’ve been on pof okcupid whistling black people meet, interracial singles and it’s all pretty much the same.
the best wat to meet quality men are through friends, places of worship , volunteering, and things where you meet in person. I find men are more invested in you if they don’t have the mindset of you bring easily dusmissed because he has a lot of profiles to go through and choose another one
Also yo match I do like the stir events but I’ve met more women as they hardly had enuf men attending. Also those that did attend just weren’t quality
Kath says
Claire
I agree
Ive given online a good shot but going forward Im going to focus on the gym and meeting contacts in my new job.
Match isnt a good site for women over 50 because it is probably the site where there is most emphasis on age as a criteria . Although I generally get a lot of contact for a woman my age the quality of guys is generally poor for the amount of time I have to sort through all the mail and mindless texts .
The lack of accountability of late with these guys for very poor behavior seems to have escalated and Ive begun to find it threatening .
Evans advice has always been a huge asset in managing the online resource and maximizing my effectiveness so If you are going to do it Id recommend his book
Evan Marc Katz says
Okay, Claire, so how many dates have you had in the past year that have resulted from “friends, places of worship , volunteering, and things where you meet in person”?
ScottH says
I’ve been dating for ~3 years since my divorce and the most discouraging thing for me is finding the same people over and over on the different dating sites. It’s almost like I’ve run out of new people to meet. I did have a relationship with someone I met through a mutual friend, and many first and second and third dates from online dating sites. Don’t forget that meetups are a great way (probably better than the dating sites) to meet people. I would definitely recommend getting involved with some of the meetup groups. And they are essentially free.
Chanda says
Claire knows what is up. If I were a cookie cutter girl, boring, dumb, 20, I would find tons of dudes on match. Its for boring people.
Gabrielle says
I’m 25 and I am not a cookie cutter girl, nor am I dumb thank you very much
Josephine Nguyen says
Claire, I totally agree that online dating is not way to go for me. I have better luck meeting in person sometimes that is not so good but odds are way better than online. The best way meet meet quality men through friends and meet in person with interest and activities the same that is where I am headed.
Cat says
You won’t find quality guys on POF. They just won’t stay around for long, a month, tops. I’m not going to amplify any further because I don’t have the time, just to say, POF doesn’t work. I used Match years ago, that was much better, but I’m not going to pay £40 a month, come on, I’m an intelligent guy & good looking too. I’m better off meeting people in the real world.
Most women on POF are low quality or looking for attention, some may be genuine?
If you’re a intelligent guy with goals, self-respect and standards forget POF. I’m not sure any driven successful guy would ever need online dating anyway. Do you think he’s going to compete with loads of other guys online for a woman’s attention, no he isn’t!
Janice says
My husband meet the women he is now with on plenty of fish, she was cheating on her husband too. Needless to say I am going through a divorce. All I would say from what I know and have learned be careful of people on any of these sites they lie and cheat it’s a game to them. My husband was not even sorry that he destroyed 30 yrs of marriage and nor was she. The Internet makes it to easy to cheat and lie and hurt I would not wish this on any one and would say what ever you are told or promised they are strangers with the power to deceive beware x
Bernita says
I have to agree Online dating gives you more opportunities to meet than you might in your everyday life. I think it’s how it’s presented. Not everyone is going to get tons of emails and go out on a date every night. Some may but that was not my experience.
I followed your program Evan for online dating and your book. I was on match.com for 6 months. I averaged meeting one man a month. I had put myself out there more than ever, meaning contacting the men Online. I found many would not respond or it never got past a first email.
I did meet someone and we dated for about 10 weeks. In the mean time I let my subscription expire to Match. Since that relationship ended I feel a little burnt out and am taking a brake from the whole scene with the intention of jumping back in after the first of the year.
Thanks for all the advice it has given me hope.
Goldie says
Match is a good place to start, because it is so mainstream, everybody’s on it. But it won’t work for everybody. My 6 months subscription would have expired this coming weekend, except that I have already canceled it. I bought FTOO, filled out the worksheet, had a professional photo taken, did everything by the book. Got a good number of emails, dates etc. Met a few cool people that I still stay in touch with. However in general, for my age group and my location, the site did not work for me. Most people I met were not good matches for me intellectually. They freaked me out because there was nothing to talk about, and I freaked them out because I was foreign. I only met one guy in all my months on Match that I felt I could carry a conversation with, but it didn’t work out very well. I latched on to him because he was the first person with a brain I’d met on Match. Wasn’t sure about dating him, but at least wanted to stay in touch as I didn’t know whether there were any other available smart guys in my area. And he played me in a pretty bad way. The next day after he said to “just be friends”, I opened an account on OK Cupid. I’d actually heard about that site a few weeks before at a (embarrassing fact coming up) Mensa annual gathering. A guy I’d talked to, told me that OKC was known to work better than Match for “people like us”. It worked for me. I got less mail there than I had on Match, but it was 99% quality mail from people I had no problem getting a connection with. I had a great time on the site just chatting and getting to know people, made a ton of good friends, signed up for a book club, learned the proper running technique… and got off the site last week due to having met someone. Not sure how it’ll work out, but I guess I owe Evan a success story 🙂
My two problems with Match is, one, for a single parent, it’s too darn expensive. Two, you get so used to getting mail and going out with, well, down-to-earth average guys who aren’t interested in anything other than grilling, watching sports, and mowing the lawn, that a man with just a little above-average intelligence, who’s read a book in the past year, will sweep you off your feet by comparison.
I kid you not, BTW, mowing the lawn was a frequent date-conversation subject on Match.
Anyway if and when I go back online, I’ll probably start with OKC this time. I was on POF last year and cannot recommend it to anyone. I have two good friends that met there, but they’re an exception. I completely agree that online in general is the right way to go. Meetup.com works to an extent, but things can get pretty awkward. I spent many a hiking meetup walking at the front of the group at about 5 miles per hour, trying to get away from a 67 year old who wanted to date.
BTW I don’t recommend the professional photo, at least in my neck of woods it tends to get a weird reaction – people don’t know what to think of it, because no one else has one. One guy called it my “yearbook picture”. Eventually I set my profile photo to something else.
Teresa says
I saw no difference in quality/quantity between match and pof. Since pof is free I will be sticking with that. Did sign up with OKC don’t really care for it all those tests and the enemy/friend stuff mabye it’s for a younger crowd?
Of course your results may vary based on your age, where you live etc.
I would still prefer to meet someone in IRL of course.
Jules says
I would second/third the recommendation for OKC. I’ve done Match, POF and OKC. POF is awful… the site is horrible, search functionality is horrible, and the quality of people is far lower than Match or OKC. I’ve met decent people on both Match and OKC, but far prefer the OKC site. It just has a more comfortable, welcoming, “hip” feel, it’s easy to use, NICE photo capabilities. The best part is that you know someone on the other end is getting your emails. Until Match decides to somehow indicate who is a paying member (i.e. can read/respond to email) or at least let you put that as a search criteria, it can be a huge waste of time.
Now that Match owns OKC, I hope they don’t screw it up.
Not Jerry says
It’s not in match.com’s best interest to let you know who is paying or not, since you are part of their marketing plan.
You send wonderful, heartfelt emails to non paying people on match, their only options are to either ignore you, or pull out their credit card and respond.
That’s all intentional. And a huge conflict of interest on the part of match.com.
I agree, OKC is the highest quality contacts, as long as you weed out the ones that don’t follow the rules. Those that don’t answer enough questions for the matching algorithm to work.
Eharmony won’t allow you to do that.
POF is much lower quality contacts, but lots more of them. If you consider lots of low quality contacts success. I sure don’t.
Karmic Equation says
When I was OLD, I was on POF, OKC, and for a short time on OurTime.
POF had more “blue collar” folks, although there was one hot financier who contacted me. He was only interested in sex as he was freshly divorced. I sussed this out via text messages and we never met IRL. I also traded a few texts with a cute orthopedic surgeon. So if by “quality” you mean people with money or higher education, yes, POF seemed to have fewer of those folks on the men’s side, anyway. But it was still not one size fits all.
OKC seemed to have more educated folks. More folks who were doctors, lawyers…and more nutty people too. One 65 yo stalker-ish guy that I had to block, a world-traveling sales director who was quite crude. So OKC seemed to have a bigger cross-section of all kinds of folks.
That said, I believe that more of the men I was in contact with on POF were relationship-oriented and more of the OKC men were interested in casual sex. There were definitely hotter men on OKC but the hottest guy was actually on POF, but 2 hours away from me. I’m sure he had women sending him naked pix left and right, so I had no chance. Oh well.
I did some research on my competition on both sites and I’d say that the women trended the same way as men, generally speaking.
Not Jerry says
I didn’t mean that there are better people on one or the other, though that may well be.
By lower quality contacts on POF than on OKC, I mean the matching questions are good on OKC, and that you can read the other person’s answers results in better matching. So you have a chance at someone who is somewhat compatible, hopefully.
Some people on OKC don’t answer the questions, so they don’t get good matching. Just looking at the pictures.
That OKC matching isn’t perfect, I talked by phone with a person who was a 96% match, and we clashed. We’ll never meet.
On POF there is essentially no matching, most people are just looking at the pictures “Oh, she looks cute”. They have a couple of tests but they are like a black box. You don’t know what anything is based on.
On OKC, the matching is transparent. I like that.
So on either site you can get inquiries from those that just looked at the pictures, it’s like in past years, in a bar: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”.
You either buy into the science, or you don’t. It’s not perfect. But we can try, at least. When was the last time you met someone and discussed your stance on hundreds of subjects, before you decided to see them? And then, after that initial meet and greet you had to decide if you were going to see them again. At least with matching you get that part out of the way.
That all said, I can’t say what it’s like to be a woman on a dating site, I understand there are a lot of men sending messages indiscriminately.
Lisa says
Jules and Not Jerry are you men or women? I had issues with both mostly like I said in my post far too many emails to keep up with but the reason I ask is because as a woman on OKC I got a ton of really disgusting sexual emails. I got some on match but a lot more on OKC I imagine because it was free and was wondering if other women had the same experiences on OKC or just me. I want to say it was about the same if not worse than what you get on tinder because anyone can contact you. The things I was asked to do omg and trust me I am no prude and I was very clear that I was looking for a committed relationship and did not post sexy pics.
Not Jerry says
Lisa,
I am male.
I realize women get much more messages and it’s so interesting to me that men would send naked pictures of themselves to women. Women just are not wired to be allured by that, so anyone who would do that out of the blue is just naive as to the differences between men and women. Sorry you had to endure that.
Some fools think they should send the same message to 5,000 women and see if they get a response. That’s just stupid. They get hardly any from a generic message! Ridiculous.
On POF you can require a longer message, I don’t think that is available on OKC, at least for free.
The only thing I can say is just say right out, “Don’t send me any naked pictures.” It might slow it down a little.
You can sure judge these men by that, can’t you?
christie says
I was on both Match and POF. On Match I mostly found players – including a guy who hit me up for $$! I met a couple of local men on Match, they were okay, but no spark there.
On POF, I met several men – one was definitely a not nice guy, a true player, and a couple of others seemed that way as well. But I did meet the man I am still dating, seven months later, and am crazy about. He was about to give up, and then he met me. 🙂
Thanks to Evan’s advice, I learned quickly how to get rid of the losers – they are on every site, of course. But I believe there are winners on every site, too, you just have to find them.
Ellen says
Goldie is right on about everything. Been on them all and much prefer okcupid. Yes, it takes a while to answer 150+ questions but in the end you have some sort of decent compatibility (80%) is superb I think). Rather like eHarmony without the expense or interminable wait times.
The guy I steadily date now that I met there (80% match), well it turns out we are both ENFP (Myers Briggs_ 5% of pop.). How rare is that!
I don’t belong to Mensa but I too have trouble finding guys who are even vaguely intellectuals. I was married to one once, there are some in my family so I miss interacting with like-minded folks. That said, it’s hard! to find an an intellectual with heart (think Clinton or Jimmy Carter). Heart comes first in my book. I request it in a humble way on my profile. I think the way I worded it was “I have 20 yrs. schooling, I am what I am, & it would be nice if the guy could keep up with me culturally.” Not a strict requirement though. What shocks me is the paucity of college-educated guys….
Kate says
Bill Clinton is an intellectual with “heart”??? Lol… If you aspire to meet a man like BC, you may try the sexual assault ward at your local prison or jail. There are sure to be many of similar character there. Google Juanita Broderick. Or, you could see if Bill Cosby is looking to mingle… In all seriousness, please be careful when dating, safety is always the most important consideration.
Iconoclast says
It’s ‘Juanita Broaddrick’
Better yet, Google up ‘Bill Cinton Rapes’
There were several allegations, going all the way back to his days at Oxford.
Christina says
Evan is right- online dating is where it’s at. I met so many guys I never would have come across in real life, even in a small city. I met my fiance on POF, and had fun on OKCupid (until my ex kept coming up as a 95% compatible match, lol).
PoF worked well for me because I apparently have a finely tuned bs-meter. I was also in a happy, confident place where I just didn’t give the time of day to creeps and weirdos and rejection from anyone else was no big deal. With the right attitude and help from someone like Evan, I would think you could do well on just about any of the large sites, paid or free.
MH says
I’ve met some interesting men through OKCupid. It’s free for a basic account, which suits my budget right now. There are some weirdos on there, but just be careful.
Antonia says
Evan, I have to disagree on this match.com thing. Match.com is not really a good place to meet a quality single guy who is relationship minded. In last three years I have tried three different dating sites. I have done match.com for a year and have met some fun guys and had some great dates. I am in my early 30s and have met guys in their late 20s to early 40s and they all just seem to want to get laid. They may come off as wanting a relationship, but they are all scarred from an ex wife or ex girlfriend and are afraid of commitment. So I would promote match.com as a place to go for casual dating but I have to disagree that match.com is a place to find high quality single men who are
interested in a relationship. I can say with confidence that match.com is the online equivalent am the bar scene.
On-line dating: good. But match.com: Proceed with Caution.
olga says
Yeah.I also agree.I haven’t tried match.com but am leary of it maybe cause i’m looking for a christian site if i even did do the online thing again(didn’t really work or feel right.no one really wanted to get to know me esp the one’s that i had interests with only stupid desperate old men.And i was on a christian site don’t try chrisitancafe.com they have you do all the work. Also heard very bad things about christianmingle.com)If someone does do it they should try a good site that matches you and offers personality assessments like eharmony so you find someone who fits your personality and interest.But i think it’s safer and easier to meet others in public places.
Mia says
I met my boy friend on okc.
what is amazing is that I live in Asia and he lives in the US.
after emailing EVERY SINGLE DAY for 3 whole months, he flew all the way over here to meet me in person.
that was 3 months ago.
now, we talk EVERY SINGLE DAY on skype web-cam.
and I will go fly all the way over to see him in the US in December.
(he paid for my flight)
I am in my 40’s and he is in his 50’s.
oh, and he is also of Asian-descent, like me.
so, please don’t give up!
I almost did, but I’m glad I did not.
I have also made many wonderful penpals on okc as well.
but they no longer have the journal function that made it so special.
I would also like to thank Evan for his advice.
my bf passed every single test of Evan’s 🙂
I’m so happy.
Bodil says
Thank you for sharing !! You made my day!
Love from a never-married woman in
Denmark. I am 65 years old.
Ps. I am in love with life and I am sure I will
find my loved-one in the time to come!
I am very happy for you two people!
Joanne says
Hi Bodil….
I live in the US, recently relocated from So Calif to a new city. I too am 65, widowed…Being busy but lonely I joined Match.com. I was shocked!! More activity than I could keep up with. It scared me a little, so I backed away. Needed to be clear about what in heck I was doing…But every man I met was interesting, fun, and courteous. so, don’t hesitate to try when you think you’re ready. I will, after digesting Evan’s advice 🙂
ashley says
first , I just found this blog , LOVE it ! EMK , you are awesome!
going back to the post …I always met my boyfriends through other friends, in college, parties. I recently moved to a new state for my grad school, and thought the quickest way to meet new people is online, and oh boy ! Ive been on match.com for few weeks now , and it’s been crazy!!!Im sure most ladies would agree with me that it’s so overwhelming to answer to all the emails, but I actually met couple of very very nice men which I’m dating now and speaking of the quality, I’m not actively seeking a long term relationship now but if I was, few of these men would definitely be on top of my list ! I would say 90-95% are not my type, but the 5-10% that are , they are one the most eligible bachelors that Ive ever seen! my conclusion is that online dating is the best way to meet new people; satisfies both quality and quantity standards !
my honest answer says
They are some really interesting statistics! I am finding an increasing number of friends and acquantainces meeting long-term partners online. I had never thought of the sucess rate compared to meeting someone at the office, but you’re right – if so many marriages are coming from so few people being online, these sites are very effective.
olga says
sometimes people marry the person they met online.but i’ve been hearing that some women don’t have real relationships or only get a few dates from the dating sites.so im not sure it can work.if you want a real committed relationship/marriage i don’t think online dating is the way to go
Gem says
Met my guy on Plenty of Fish. I agree with Evan that compared to other sites, you may have a tougher time wading through those waters to find a quality catch of the day, but they are swimming in there.
🙂
Goldie says
@ Christina #9, LOL @ your ex story – I had to hide the guy on OKC that had dumped me on Match, because he kept coming up every day on my sidebar as my 90% match, 86% friend, and 4% enemy, go figure. As a friend of mine said, high compatibility as is a requirement, but not a guarantee, of you clicking with the other person. It’s good to know that you feel the same on a number of issues, but as our two examples show, you can still disagree on other things not covered by the questions.
sharon says
It’s just so easy to get burned out. I’ve been trying to date more relationship oriented men. After two dates if I can’t bring myself to give em a peck on the lips I try to break contact. But damn if these guys don’t keep calling for months. I hate dumping people and honestly it just seems ridiculous that I have to explain to someone I’ve met twice why I don’t want to see them again. Maybe I should make a form letter.
Soul Sister says
Just wanted to say, if you have the right attitude on-line dating is the way to go. But you need to be very secure in yourself and ready to deal with a lot of rejection and lots of weirdos. And if you are a very nice person, it is kind of hard when the guy likes you and you don’t like him…but we are all adults, right?
My first time on match.com I had not been dating much and it was just too much, too overwhelming. I was not doing a very good job of screening, I was too nice to everyone, and the number of emails was just crazy. A year later, after a goofy relationship with a college boyfriend and just some casual dating, I decided to try match again. This time I did lie about my age (I had just turned 50 so I went with 49, ha ha!). I screened better and if I was not interested in someone I just didn’t respond. I went on 3-4 dates a week…I was on a mission! I met lots of decent men, this time around not one real jerk!
Then a guy contacted me who looked like a total player from his pictures. But I didn’t want to judge a book by it’s cover so agreed to meet him for happy hour. We had a very fun time but I still didn’t trust him. He was persistent though, so I invited him to coffee at my house…to help me move some big boxes!! Darn if he didn’t show up! I was still not sure, but went on date #3 because I read EMK’s blog and I knew to give the guy a good chance. On our third date, lighting struck for both of us! We have been dating for 3 months and we are exclusive. There is huge potential for an LTR with him.
I am 50, he is 52, and we just believed it could happen. People who are negative about their bad experiences with on-line dating (and we all have them) just bring that negativity to the next meeting. Be confident, be positive, and hope for the best. Since my match boyfriend, two of my girlfriends signed up and are seriously dating great potentials. On-line dating can rock if you want it to….just saying!
Soul Sister says
Goldie #4 – just a friendly comment…I consider myself a pretty smart person too (not genius smart but I qualify for mensa too) and not once in all my on-line dating did I meet someone I would not consider my intellectual equal. Some are obviously smarter than others, but I was way more concerned about who is a good person, fun, attractive, than what his IQ might be. I am not sure where you are setting your bar, but if you really are only looking for super smart men, maybe where the rest of the normal population hangs out (bars, on-line) isn’t a good option for you? Not one single guy I have ever met anywhere has talked about mowing his lawn. Now his Harley…that might be a different story, ha ha. But even the mid life crisis doctors are buying Harleys these days.
Possibly consider that you are using a man’s intellectual level as a deal breaker sort of like some women are using a man’s yearly income as a filter and they may be missing some really great options because of it. I care much less if the guy can dazzle me with his brilliance than if he can dazzle me with his passion, kindness, and positive energy. Good moves in the bedroom are way more important than math ability too…..:-)
Iconoclast says
I actually relate to what she said about wanting to meet very intelligent men. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I could not relate to the majority of men that I met – finally figured out that I’m basically a nerd/geek and feel most natural with other nerd/geeks. It’s not a ‘better’ or ‘worse’ thing – just we tend to be ‘wired’ a bit differently. More introverted (though we fake extroversion – sometimes quite well), more thought-focused, sometimes a bit more neurotic…… Tend to think about ideas more than things, can be a bit socially awkward. So- yes, I can relate. The last guy I met that I really liked was at a lecture on physics and the meaning of life at the NY Academy of Sciences….. So I tend to focus on those types of places… so, again – I do relate. And it’s not about being stuck up. Everybody has a type that they like – hey, some women love body-builders… Some like flashy men…. I like nerdy brainiacs. Sexy ones! 😛
still looking says
Soul Sister — How can you tell by looking at pictures if a guy is a player? I hear women toss the term around all the time and a good percentage of women say “no players” on their profiles. What is the definition of a player? To me it is a guy who is on a mission for sex and he manipulates women to have sex with them. In my mind, a pickup artist is a player, a serial dater is just a guy who hasn’t found love yet. Thoughts???
olga says
You don’t know.Sometimes it’s even hard to tell when you meet somewhere traditional like at school or work.so how could you know from online?would be harder to trust someone you met that way.
AQ says
Agreed. There is no better way and it is work.
BK says
I’m going to have to disagree with Match.com being a good way to meet people. I signed up for a 3 month subscription a few months ago and only had 3 guys iniate contact with me. Of those 3 none of them resulted in an actual date, and I responded to everyone who contacted me. Aren’t women supposed to have more responses then they know what to do with? I had friends review my profile text and photos, so I don’t think it had anything to do with my profile. I’ve also been told by both male and female friends that I’m very pretty, so I don’t think it’s the way I look. I’m 5’7, weigh 135, and had full length photos up where you could tell my body type. I had I sent out about 3-4 e-mails a day during my subscription to guys I might be interested in got no response to the contacts I iniated. I live in a major city, so maybe there’s just too many options and guys get lost in the kid in the candy store mentality? Maybe the people I contacted weren’t actual paying members, so they couldn’t respond? I’m not opposed to on-line dating as a medium, but I found this particular site to be a big waste of time, money and energy. Anyone else have similar experiences, or advice on how I could improve my experience?
Not Jerry says
BK, the reason you didn’t get response on match.com might be because only 6.9% of the people you see and can email are actual current subscribers.
There is a 93% chance that you are emailing non subscribers, who cannot respond.
They don’t make it possible for you to tell who is a subscriber and they don’t do anything to stop you from emailing non-subscribers, so it can certainly be disheartening.
Lisa says
I had the opposite experience and was bombarded to the point that I could not keep up with the emails. I posted further down. I also live in a major city. I was 36 am 37 now 5’1 115 long blond hair I have big boobs 34 DD I mean I gotta be honest people tell me I’m attractive but I’m no super model. Obviously I’m single 🙂 I do have an advanced degree and a very good job. Never married no kids. I think what happens is all the guys email a small percentage of the women in their age range and they get angry and bitter because that small percentage of women are not emailing them back. There was actually a study that came out about this a few months ago. Most of the men emailing never read my profile and fell way outside my criteria. I was not being rude I just could not get through the emails. I don’t think it works for a lot of people for this reason. Did not work for me. If this was happening to me what was happening to the younger women? Men suddenly get on here and just email the best looking women there are suddenly thinking that online they can get whomever they want. I’m sorry this is mean. But I think this may explain why a small percentage of women still get a majority of the emails while some really great looking women who get tons of attention in person in real life get ignored online. A mans internet persona is totally different than real life. They sudden shoot for the stars and get disheartening when no one responds meanwhile lots of great women are being ignored.
Goldilocks says
I am having the same problem as you, BK. Like the people here have made lots of comments about men just want to get laid. It is very true but there other men asked me if I am foreign which I am not. They thought I am in Russia or Nigeria behind the fake member’s account. It is a pity. I will keep trying and if I need a break from Match.com then I will take break from the online soon as my subscription ends. Then resume back on Match.com. One of my former co-workers told me she met her boyfriend on Match.com and they dated for two years and they are happily married. We have to keep on trying and get involve in Stir Events as often as we can. Good luck to us.
ashley says
#22 BK,
I had an apposite experience on match ,,, but I guess if you are an attractive women with good quality pictures, maybe it’s what you’ve written in your profile. Honestly, mine doesnt have much information ; I was lazy to answer all the questions , wanted to go back and complete it but got enough emails from men so that ” dull ” profile of mine worked pretty well. maybe you should’nt reveal too much information in your profile, also have no preference for anything; height, income, religion. where I live now, most men are ultra religious conservative. Im a liberal spiritual person , but left the option open and met lots of nice men. other than that , it’s just their loss !
Lipstick and Playdates says
Marc, I read your blog religiously and often think you’re advice is often right on. You have amazing insights on men and women. However, in regards to your last post I have to say: is this REALLY your best advice? I would hope someone on your level could offer suggestions of actual places outside the online arena women could meet men. Surely you must know a few. Reading this post, one has to wonder how much Match paid you for that nice little plug.
Evan Marc Katz says
@Lipstick:
1. My name is Evan, not Marc. Seriously, just read the header.
2. This is really my best advice. I think it would be foolish to keep better advice to myself and not share it with my loyal readers.
3. Someone on my level has the responsibility to tell you that the right answer to “where are the places to meet quality men” doesn’t involve me researching every bar, club, salsa class, and Meetup in America. If YOU think that you’ve got a better answer to where to meet men, then, by all means, let me and all our other readers know. Chuckles in Cincinnati? The Royalton in New York? Mr. Chalmers Spanish class for the over 50 set in Boca? Do you see how ridiculous this question is? And you know where all the people who go to Chuckles, the Royalton and Mr. Chalmers class are ALSO hanging out? Match.com
4. Yeah, I’m on the take from Match.com. Be sure and let Match.com know because my checks haven’t been arriving.
Kay says
Bahaha! It’s clearly stated that your name is Evan! I have been considering Match.com but have read mixed reviews about the site. Most of the information that was negative, had more to do with their shady cancelation and credit card charging more than the dating aspect. With that said, I thank you for your insight and appreciate what you wrote because it opened up a platform for people to talk about their actual experiences on Match and other sites. I am 22 and have been excited to meet new people and start another relationship since my boyfriend and I of 2 years broke up about 1 year ago. By the time we broke up, he had just turned 30. We thought we were going to get married at some point, but then he quit his 6 figure job to pursue comedy (don’t ask!). I supported him (financially and emotionally) for about another year, until the financial burden(he had to move from San Francisco to Oakland) and his obsession with pursuing comedy(the only way we could spend time together was if I went to all his shows, otherwise I would never see him.I had to go to work and school in the morning and comedy is a late night career.) eventually ruined us.
After that I carried on with my life and dated lots of new men, some my age, some much older, and eventually grew tired of dating and stopped doing it. In the recent months, I’ve been wanting get to get back in the game , but want serious relationship minded men. I thought Match.com might be a good choice, but sounds like OKC or PoF might be better to start. Thanks everyone for sharing!
Elaine says
Evan
Match? At 67, I’m finding most sites hopeless!
Goldie says
@ Soul Sister – I tried going out with average guys… it’s not working. It’s not as much the IQ in itself as the man’s intellectual curiosity, open mind, being able and willing to learn new things etc. (I’ve met people who had all those things and didn’t even have a college degree.) By trial and error, I found out that I can compromise on just about everything except that. (and obvious things like integrity, nice personality, not being a serial killer etc) I’ve dated men who said, on a date or in their profile, things like “I ain’t much of a reader”… and the date always turned out being a snoozefest. I just feel that I’m better off alone than with someone boring. Some of these men are actually very smart and have good careers. They’re just not intellectuals. They have no problem leaving their brain behind when they walk out of the office at the end of the day.
For a lot of men and women, it is not a priority. Tons of people want a relationship where they can just come home to each other, have dinner together, watch some reruns on TV, not talk much because they’re unwinding from work, go to bed, maybe have some sex, rinse, repeat… There’s nothing wrong with that. It just won’t work for me.
It probably depends on location. I’m in the Midwest. Lawns are a big part of our lives, LOL
Another thing I noticed is that, a man who’s not interested in growing intellectually, is also not interested in dating an immigrant such as myself. I scare an average Joe half to death with my accent and the fact that I didn’t grow up in the area. I’m like a different species to him. He’s, of course, curious, but at the end of the day, he wants to date me like he would want to date a dog. So, works both ways… I’m not interested in him, he’s not interested in me. win-win
Kay says
Sounds like Mensa needs to start a dating program.
#geniusproblems
But seriously and kindly, might I suggest that your results might have a lot to do with your attitude towards “average” people? I don’t deny that some people are absolute idiots sometimes, but not everyone who doesn’t read “Physics of the Future” for fun is a dud. I don’t like to read books but still love learning. I like to read articles online and ask questions about random things like , space and the human brain. I hope you find someone who you provides the level of intellectual stimulation. You seek.
Kay says
Excuse my typos, I’m doing this on my phone =)
Teresa says
BK
I had a similar experience on match, If you are a women over 50 you just not going to get much action. Unless you like em a lot younger or a lot older. Men in their 50 generally don’t date women in their 50’s they usually wnat em 10-12 years younger. Save your money and use the free sites like plentyoffish and Ok Cupid if you don’t get any messages at least it doesn’t cost you anything.
Beka says
Teresa #25
I am 40 and was on match for over more than a year. I didn’t have any good quality contacts from men neither any dates. I am sure that it wasn’t my pictures or profile any issue. Reading this post confirms what it is clear, is a general issue with match.com. Maybe as someone said previously, maybe the one you are insterested are not a paid member or just fake profiles!!.What a waste of time and money, I am very dissapointed of match.com but Zooks and OKC are working better for me. No more match.com at ALL. Yes to online dating.
SparklingEmerald says
Theresa & Beka – I met my match on match.com. All I mostly met on OKC & POF were guys who just wanted a booty call. And some fake profilers whose picture showed up on romance scam websites. (Google searching by image can help to weed out some of the scammers) Also, met many men on those sites who lied about, age, height, lifestyle and job. I had two “almost relationships” on Match before meeting the great guy I am with now. The other two “almosters” had many great qualities, and while we progressed past a handful of dates, we weren’t quite a match. My experience on OKC & POF is that they expected sex on date 2, and bailed when that didn’t happen. (and no, I wasn’t a sourpuss about turning them down, I set the boundary without accusing them of being perverts) I must admit, I had some dry spells on Match, and it did take me quite a while to find my guy, but I met the MOST quality, relationship oriented men from Match.com. Some guys were good guys, but just not a match for me. I only met ONE guy on POF that I would consider a good guy, but just not for me.
I am not trying to invalidate YOUR experience, just sharing my experience, as YMMV.
BTW, I am 60, my BF is 68. And we are crazy about each other ! So glad that I went back to match after almost throwing in the towel !
BK says
Teresa, I’m 28 so I don’t think age was the issue. The only thing I can think of is that for men in their mid 20’s and early 30’s there were too many options on that site and they only replied to their top picks, or very few of them were actual paying members so they couldn’t reply. I am going to try the free sites though, so at least if I don’t get a response there, it would be less frustrating.
Teresa says
Sorry BK meant to reply to someone else posted on the wrong thread.
Goldie says
@ Soul Sister #19, wanted to add in response to this:
Possibly consider that you are using a man’s intellectual level as a deal breaker sort of like some women are using a man’s yearly income as a filter and they may be missing some really great options because of it.
I agree with you that, if I were experiencing a shortage of options, I’d think about what I can change in the way I do things. Which was one of the reasons why I started asking around for advice when things weren’t working well for me on Match, and was advised to switch sites. From there on out, it was like being back in college (in a good way, lol) My last month on OKC, I spent fretting and losing my sleep because I was seeing two people that were both very interested in me, and were both such awesome matches for me that I didn’t know which one to choose! I know, it’s an awful problem to have! LOL Apparently, guys are more intelligent than what we give them credit for 🙂
Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach for Women Over 40 says
Evan – I want to commend you for this post! Shaking women up is exactly what is needed! So many have tried unsuccessfully, so they think the web stinks. But did they have your advice or mine on how to do this well? No. They rely only on themselves and think their bad experiences prove this won’t work.
When I was single I was the same way. But at 40 I was still single and had to get serious. I decided to look at myself to see how I might be contributing to my singleness. and that is where the answers were. I started working on myself and getting out to meet men in all the old ways I had tried before and hated.
But, I did attended these events with a completely new attitude! I was friendly. I went alone to meet and mingle. I talked to all kinds of men, not just my type. I dated 30 men in 15 months to meet the man who is now my husband of 11 years.
Hurray for this post Evan about online dating and shaking up preconceived notions. That is the fundamental key to finding the love women want. I sure hope you impacted a few to rethink how they are going about their search.
Chris says
Have to agree with most folks here. I’ve been on both POF and Match.com. No matter how many times I stress in my match profile the age group and location that I’m looking for, I inadvertently get the older gentlemen who are so totally not my type, or live 2-3 STATES away expressing interest. At least on that site, they have the “Thanks but no thanks” email pre-written for you to send.
On POF in the beginning, I too, met quite a few players or men only interested in FWB. At the initial stage of my going there, that’s all I was looking for, or thought I was.
I then met the guy I’ve been seeing for a few months and am extremely happy. He, too, was about to give up on dating, having met 5 women before me too neurotic to deal with. Although we don’t get to see each other all of the time, we still text/talk on an almost daily basis.
I think it just really comes down to your own personal choice, and how you present yourself. I still think there is someone for everybody out there, but as Evan has quoted, you have to kiss a lot of princes before you find your frog! Good luck everyone!
Soul Sister says
Still Looking # 20 – the guy’s pictures looked like a player because in almost every picture he had his shirt off (turns out he is just a beach nut and most pics were from the beach), he wears a large cross (Latino guy, but his cross is for real, he says grace before every meal!), and a few pictures had several girls in them….so I was judging the book by the cover, and he is the exact opposite of a player, although he is very masculine, which I like. He had no idea his pictures were sending off a “player” vibe….he was trying to project “fun”.
Goldie #25 – everyone has their tastes in the opposite sex, but again, I am an intellectual, a business woman, and very successful…I still do not believe I was meeting a bunch of dullards on match. Actually, a few super smart men ended up being the most boring dates of all. It is not my intent to challenge you so I hope you take this feedback positively, but your posts are coming off a bit judgemental and snobbish in the brain department, which can be self limiting. I wouldn’t date a guy who says he “ain’t much of a reader”, those are the ones you just pass on. If you check for spelling, content, and thoughtfulness, and look at his profession, chances are you are going to have a date with someone who is at least average, most likely above. This is like saying you only date men with blonde hair and blue eyes….yes, you can find them, but your pool just got much smaller. BTW, my beach loving Latino has a Masters from an Ivy League university and I never would have learned that if I didn’t go out with him several times. And by then I didn’t care, because we are way too busy having fun (and some very stimulating intellectual discussion thrown in there for good measure).
Once I threw out my checklist of must haves, I got exactly what I didn’t know I even wanted…yay for me 🙂
Goldie says
@ Soul Sister – it depends a lot on the location. I remember from your old posts that you’re in the Southwest? (Phoenix? SoCal?) Well, I’m not. It is a huge huge difference. I cannot relocate at this point, because I have one kid in a good school system (been in same district since kindergarten, only 2.5 years to go) and another in college on in-state tuition. With the one in college, one of the merit scholarships he receives, is targeted specifically at state residents. So, at least for a few years, I’ve got to stay put.
“I wouldn’t date a guy who says he “ain’t much of a reader”, those are the ones you just pass on.”
Well this was pretty much everyone I found on Match… in my area. I have no doubt that the selection will be different in large metro areas on either coast.
At some point I seriously wanted to make a list of all answers I’ve seen on Match under “last thing you’ve read”. It was a wide range of responses, from “um I’m not into that stuff lol” to “local paper”. Would’ve been a funny read, too bad I never got around to compiling it! BTW the guy I finally fell for on Match, said “a Stephen King book” and that just blew me off my feet, because, compared to others I’d seen on there, the man was so.well.read. LOL
“your posts are coming off a bit judgemental and snobbish in the brain department”
Yes, this is my limitation and I know it. I make up for it by compromising a great deal on looks, income, family situation, distance, personality type etc etc. and on education too, actually. I’ve dated highly intelligent men with no or incomplete college education. Like you, right now I’m exclusive with a guy that, at first, I didn’t even fathom going out with, because a lot of the external things didn’t match. But… he is incredibly smart, funny, and positive. Turns out, that’s all I need.
Apologize if I came off as offensive. This is the one area where I cannot back down. I know because I’ve tried. Pretty sure everyone has their own area like that.
I’ve read on here that up to three must haves is fine 😉
“yes, you can find them, but your pool just got much smaller.”
But what do I care if it’s still a good sized pool? Do I really need to go on dates with seven different men a week?
Nicole says
@Soul Sister, if you’ve read Goldie’s other posts, I would hardly call her snobbish, and even in this thread, she just says that intellect is a must have for her, but she’s hardly alone in having one powerful dealbreaker while compromising in other areas.
It is just interesting to me how quick we are to tell other people that their standards are wrong while maintaining that our own ways of discriminating against people are just fine. Everyone seems to do this and always has an explanation of why they can do it but you cannot.
You are kind of comparing apples and oranges, b/c you saw a guy who looked like a “player” but still sounds like an educated professional. But he wasn’t a player. You aren’t dating against type when the assumptions you made about this man based on PICTURES ONLY were wrong. What exactly does this guy lack that was on your list? It sounds like you just ASSUMED that he lacked what you wanted. Goldie is talking about men that she meets who are still lacking in real life.
If Goldie gets emails from people who cannot spell and have bad grammar in addition to having pictures that indicate that all of their hobbies involve jet skis, beer, and monster trucks, it is not a stretch for her to assume that they lack her one must have, intellect. She’s not likely to find a Ivy educated man who cannot spell or write properly.
I think that what doesn’t work is for people to have a list of 100 things that are less important and more rare (he must be tall, he must be rich, he must have a 150 I.Q.)etc) than having a good character. There is a HUGE gap between someone who could qualify for Mensa and what it sounds like she is describing, and I’d guess that she could split the difference for someone who is somewhat intellectual and well-read. But a “Broseph” is not going to cut it…I don’t know where she lives but she sounds like she’s describing the older version of what I call “fratty boys.”
But even in the advice to “compromise” that doesn’t mean throwing out your playbook, just softening your rules and yes, dumping that ones that make no sense at all. So I think that I’ve read that Goldie is a tall lady, and she for example happily dates men who are shorter, and she sounds like she HAS in fact tried dating down the intellectual “ladder” to no avail. How is she stuck-up?
Sorry for trying to speak for you Goldie but I didn’t think the assessment of you was fair, plus as I said, I hate how people condemn other people’s must haves when they unapologetically have their own.
Soul Sister says
@ Nicole, I am not comparing apples to oranges, I mentioned why I thought the guy was a player and it turned out he wasn’t in response to Still Looking, #20 because she asked why I thought that. The comments about the current bf from match had nothing to do with my comments to Goldie. I only mentioned him at the end of my comment to her because from his profile you would not have gotten “super smart, Ivy League educated”. His profile did not indicate it either way. I just took a chance, like I have dozens of other times with match, and this one worked out well for me.
I am not judging or condeming Goldie, she can like what she likes. I was more defending match as an option to find men. If I said I am so good looking, and all the men on match just aren’t good looking enough, that would be as black and white as saying I am so intelligent and all the men on match aren’t intelligent enough for me. And unless Goldie lives in the mountains somewhere in a tiny little town, I just cannot believe that all the men she is meeting on match are dumb. If ALL she is getting is emails from people who can’t spell, then that is an exception to most people’s experiences.
Goldie, you aren’t the least bit offensive to me. I am not telling you to lower your standards on anything. But a woman who says I am a 10 in “X” and therefore only another 10 is good enough for me will be hurting only one person…herself.
For a lot of men and women, it is not a priority. Tons of people want a relationship where they can just come home to each other, have dinner together, watch some reruns on TV, not talk much because they’re unwinding from work, go to bed, maybe have some sex, rinse, repeat… There’s nothing wrong with that. It just won’t work for me
The super intelligent do not have the corner on having great, exciting, productive, worthwhile lives and everyone else is just merely passing time and dulling their brains. I am just challenging Goldie that to think you are smarter than everyone else is no different than thinking you are better looking than everyone else. Again, I am not saying to go out with dummies, but rather to consider what EMK calls the 7 vs. the 10. And if someone comes across as thinking they are better looking or smarter or have a better body than everyone else, it could be very self limiting (and others do pick up on it).
Finally Nicole, I was not condeming Goldie about anything. I was challenging her beliefs. That should be a good thing. Your post kind of inferred a lot from what I was trying to say that just wasn’t true. Personally I think it kind of sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder to get that defensive.
EMK, match CAN be a great place to meet people, it all depends on how you want to use the venue to your advantage. And it is a hell of a lot better than sitting at home complaining about how there are no good guys left in the world.
Trouble says
Met my fiance on match.com, so I can only say it worked well for me. Interestingly enough, in my office alone, I know 8 people who met their significant others online and married them. Especially in my southern town, there is typically a more educated class of people online than what you’re going to meet in the bar scene.
Heather says
I agree about the comments about Match having a lot of “players.” I cancelled my subscription after dating a number of men who seemed to consider playing mind games with women, their favorite pastime, and having a situation where I was almost assaulted because I would not “put out” on the first date. I figure I don’t need to pay that much money, to have my head messed with, thank you.
I do POF, and mostly I have met some nice guys. Had nice dates, even met one guy who was UP FRONT about not wanting a serious relationship. WOW!!! I was very impressed by his honesty, because I saw no honesty or honor on Match.com.
Goldie says
@ Nicole, thank you for your comment, I was touched 🙂
@ Soul Sister,
“…I am just challenging Goldie that to think you are smarter than everyone else…”
Where do you read this stuff? I didn’t post it. Where are you getting this from?
“But a woman who says I am a 10 in ”X” and therefore only another 10 is good enough for me will be hurting only one person…herself. “
Again, where did I say I’m a 10 in “X”? Give me a comment number and a quote. But more importantly, how exactly am I hurting myself? Right now I’m seeing a great guy and there are a few more, who are good friends, ready and willing to take his place if need be. What do you want me to do? Dump the man I’m seeing and go back on match to see if I can find someone like him? What for? What, does he not count because he didn’t come from the right site? Is it like buying a dog, when you must only get your puppy from a reputable breeder? I don’t get it.
Only reason why I posted that comment is, I’ve talked to several more people (men and women) who also had problems on Match, and they think that, because it is such a large mainstream site, that the problem is with them, and give up on online dating altogether. I was just trying to be helpful! I was not asking for help at this time – I don’t need any, right now. When I do, I’ll say so.
You also appear to be confusing the “super intelligent” with the, for lack of a better word, intellectually alive. These are not the same thing. Some of the most interesting people I’ve ever met are not in the top 2% of the population, and the opposite is also true, some of the most boring people I’ve met are highly intelligent, with good education and good careers. Sorry to repeat myself, but you didn’t seem to notice this when I wrote it in my several previous comments.
” I was challenging her beliefs. “
I’m confused. If I tried something several times, and it repeatedly did not work, how is that a belief when I conclude that it does not work for me? Why would I keep trying? Isn’t that the famous definition of insanity, doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results?
“And it is a hell of a lot better than sitting at home complaining about how there are no good guys left in the world. “
What, did I post that one too? For crying out loud. Ever since I started dating, my teenage kids have been telling me that they hardly see me anymore (which I’ve been feeling pretty bad about), and now all of a sudden I’m sitting at home complaining? You know, I really liked your posts on the other thread about sex and dating, but this is all strawman stuff. I never said any of these things that you keep telling me I did. So I cannot really waste any of my time arguing about them. Sorry.
Lysa says
I’m in complete agreement with Goldie and Nicole.
Soul Sister appears to be one of those people who blindly tell women to lower their standards, even when those standards are perfectly reasonable.
If Goldie wants someone she can engage with intellectually, who are we to tell her she’s stuck-up? Especially when she has already tried dating men with low intellect in the past?
I constantly face criticism when I say that I am looking for a man who is honest, respectful, hardworking and with family values. People tell me I’m stuck up, demanding and will be single all my life because I’m looking for the perfect man!
On the other hand, school friends who have been impregnated by deadbeats who skip out of them are labelled irresponsible, and slutty.
One guy I went on a first date with admitted that he had lied on his profile about having a job, was just about to be kicked out of the apartment he shared with six other people, and was looking for a woman to support his professional studies. In exchange, he would help her with her dream to have children!
We went to Starbucks but he didn’t offer me a drink, but instead drank from a bottle he kept in his gym bag. He also told me he was also seeing a business woman with an expense account, who paid for everything. I just nodded politely and tried to make a graceful exit.
When he called a few days later for a second date, and I turned him down, he also called me stuck up, and said I was searching for the perfect man.
I’m beginning to find it abusive when women are being criticised for having reasonable standards. Is this the new face of misogyny?
Lau_ra says
Preach, sistah!
So I just had this type of discussion at one party on the weekend. Single guys were almost hurt to hear that it matters to me if a guy is passioned about life and new experiences, if he is relationship-minded, if I find him attractive. They also said I’m gonna stay single forever, cause I’m looking for a perfect man, as if men, who are interested in something more than just a fling, that have life besides work and that I find quite handsome (not that they are models, but at least the thought of them kissing me doesn’t make me cringe) don’t exist. Whatever “standart” you wish for (which is not the right word in essence, as I am willing to overlook the list of those “wishes”, if a guy is interesting enough, except maybe intellectual compatibility) is eventually seen as “too high” by default, just cause you’re not 20 anymore and the fish-pool is much smaller. Those same guys looked somewhat confused though when I asked them to think if their “wishlist” is any different from mine. But guess what – they don’t think they should be called picky for wanting women that want a relationship, that they find attractive and that have life besides the dating.
Goldie says
Wanted to add, it’s not even a matter of low or high intellect (though there’s probably a cutoff level somewhere). It’s more of a matter of not being interested in anything. I’ve seen the most intelligent men fall into that trap. Somewhere down the road they get this idea that mature people should just relax and take it easy, and that all this reading, trying new things etc. is for college kids. As one guy put it in an email to me, “that’s all date stuff”. There’s nothing wrong with it whatsoever, my ex for example loves this kind of life, and he is by all means highly intelligent – we met in college… one of the top schools in our home country… and he was getting excellent grades without even trying. It’s just that, for me, this lifestyle bores me to death.
Where I live (Midwest), on dating sites, tons of people list grilling and watching sports as their only interests. And I don’t mean some fringey morons who can’t spell, I mean white-collar professionals, executive types. I get it that they want to come home from work, turn their brain off and take it easy. It’s just not the kind of life I’m looking for.
I brought up OKC because there, at least, people expect you to answer about a hundred questions and fill out a good-sized profile that is a more or less interesting read. A guy that’s looking for a woman to grill and watch sports with, isn’t going to put in that kind of effort. He’ll go on Match where he doesn’t have to do all that work. Again, nothing wrong with him. Heck, he is the normal one. I am the weird one. I’m looking for weird people like myself. Normal people aren’t going to have a good time with me anyway.
Only reason why I mentioned Mensa in my earliest comment here, (probably shouldn’t have) is to point out that OKC comes highly recommended by a reputable source. On second thought, I probably should’ve piled it on higher and added that the friend who recommended it to me, is also a college professor… true story. I admit I typed that comment in a hurry, as I had to leave home ASAP, to meet up with the guy I’m seeing. I’ll pay more attention to how I word my comments next time, so they cannot be misread. Once again, no I do not have a minimal IQ requirement for guys, that would be ridiculous. I do expect them to have a mindset similar to mine, but doesn’t everybody?
Ruby says
Yes, I agree with Goldie, Nicole, and Lysa. Goldie’s involved with someone, she’s not sitting around bemoaning her fate. When it comes to dating an intelligent, intellectually curious partner, that’s one of my must-haves, too. I’ve tried the other way, and it hasn’t worked for me, either. It would be much easier for me to date someone very intelligent, but with average looks, than the other way around, and I make no apologies for that.
I live in a large midwestern city, and I have met intelligent men in my area – or in other neighboring large cities – on Match, but it often seems that if I venture out into more remote places, the dating pool, for what I’m looking for, is not compatible. Why try to force something that isn’t right?
For me, probably the worst dating site I tried was eharmony, and for exactly the reasons Goldie mentioned. The quiz they are so famous for seemed useless. I met only one person in 3 months. I will say that when people are trying to date seriously, they are actually pickier, and perhaps that was the case with eharmony. For me, though, the pickings were slim. I also had a lot of fun on OKCupid, but didn’t find many who were serious about a relationship there.
I think the quality of all the sites is cyclical. Sometimes a lot of people seem to gravitate towards one site, and then another ones becomes more popular. So it’s worth giving everything a try, because it’s really all just a crapshoot anyway. You never know who’s going to be on any given site at any time.
MilkyMae says
I saw an advertisement for match.com that claimed match produces 2 million dates a year. It sounds good(if its true) but there are 20+ million unique visits to the website every month. I think these numbers point out one of the drawbacks of online dating and that it is magnet for passive people. Passive adults are not great prospects for those seeking a relationship. IMO, if you want to have success online you need to force yourself into the subset of people who are online for a purpose and who can handle online dating.
Nicole says
@Soul Sister…I’m not sure how defending Goldie against your characterization of her means that I have a chip on my shoulder.
Unless the chip to which you refer is that I too list intellect, and actually I’d point to Goldie’s example of being interested and passionate about something to be a better description of what I prefer as well.
There are people who aren’t necessarily interested in the same things as me, but I’ve found that I enjoy interacting with men who have some kind of passion that they like the share and educate me about. It’s actually a plus if it’s something that I don’t know about, and I’ve learned to do things that I couldn’t do before b/c of those interactions.
I also would guess that Goldie finds, as have I, that those people are better understand/appreciate why you are passionate about certain things, and will accompany you on those activities.
People who aren’t interested in things for themselves probably can’t enjoy partaking in your hobbies either.
Also, infer means to reach a conclusion based on what isn’t actually there (as in ASSUME). I used specific examples from your comment in my response, so I didn’t INFER anything.
PGL says
I am following all of Evan’s advice. I have read WHD & FTOO. I used his online profile service and I’m on Match for 6 mos. So far this first month has been a trickle. Mostly from men not in my criteria which is mostly age based. (I will never be attracted to much older men.) The only responses I have gotten from the dozens of emails I have sent out included a guy telling me he was quitting Match because he was not ready to date in LA and the other never wrote back after the 1st email.
So after reading all the positive comments here, I signed up for OkCupid. And it’s been an experience very different from what everyone else has said. The first email was from a guy 10 years younger who wanted a friends with benefits. One guy told me he wanted to pull my hair. And tonight I got one from a married guy looking to have an affair. Wow…I have never received messages like this from any of my previous times on Match. It has been entertaining.
And no has responded to any of my emails there either. I might not be doing Evan’s email advice correctly. Guess it’s time to review everything again.
Lisa says
Nope not you that’s OKC. I got all those same emails mixed in with a few decent ones. Several guys asked me to punch them in the face and the balls too what you are receiving is normal and nothing you did continue to expect it. Just ignore it and block the guys. My profile clearly said only a relationship that is monogamous my pictures were not sexy. I got some of that on match too but since OKC is free you just get a lot more of it. It won’t stop.
Ladybug says
Thank God I’m a country girl!
I won’t run out of places to meet men and I don’t have to go to bars! The hay barns, sale barns, at the best fishing holes, the gun shop, sporting goods, lumber yard, feed store, Coast Guard station, marina, or I can build a huge fire on the beach for the surfers or join others at their fires. I joined the fire department, I do volunteer work with the veterans organizations, I talk to total strangers wherever I go.
I was talked into joining online dating sites, I have an awesome profile.
ICK!
I’m sticking to the nice men I meet in person. They respect my rules. We’re all old fashioned and we move slowly. Since we’re a small isolated community, friendships matter, integrity matters, reputations matter.
Spocksgirl says
I just happened on this site and after reading the article and your post, I have to say your post made the most sense. AND gave me some new ideas on where to meet men!! I tried online dating a number of times. I tried the free ones then the paid ones. During my last venture I decided to really invest, contact at least one man every time I logged on, etc. Just wasn’t a good experience. And let’s face it, some people come across better in person.
So ladybug, I am going to try the places you mentioned in your post. Best advice I have ever read!
GOOD LUCK
Dawn says
I’m a mature woman, and I’ve been on Match for a few months, and had just let my subscription lapse when I literally stumbled across this article. So to your credit, Evan, you have me thinking about giving it another try.
On the other hand, you asked how many people have a job or are going to school, and put it at 100%. I think you might be amazed at the number of older gentlemen on these sites who are a) looking for women 10-20 years younger than they are (and that seems also to be the experience of several other ladies who have commented here), and/or b) looking for women to fund their “retirement”/
unemployment.
Very discouraging to be a career woman with a couple of grown children and her own assets, and trying just to find someone with whom to share time!
AileenC says
I was very skeptical of online dating. But then again, in my mid 30s and recently divorced I really don’t have anything to lose but to keep my mind open. I’ve filtered through some weird and fun emails from different kinds of men. Dating is like driving. You have to practice vigilance. I’ve met my boyfriend on Match.com after being on Match for 3 months. I work so much and to this day it still fascinates me how we ended up finding each other ( well he pursued me online, he never came up on my daily matches). Online dating has the potential to work, you just can’t expect too much. Getting a date just gets you at the door. You still have other things that must check out such as personality, humor and compatibility.
Lulu says
Seriously?! you are advising women to join match.com!!!!! This site is full of men who can not read at all. The daily matches they send have no reference to what you are actually looking for. I do not lie and have not exaggerate about anything on my profile i do not need to, take me as i am or not at all and yet i get contacted by men way out of my age range, with kids and who smoke, things which i clearly state im not looking for. I do not want to date a grandad thanks. The quality of men on this site is very poor and is about the same as you get on free sites, so why encourage anyone to pay for match.com. People go on line and read the reviews for yourselves 80% of them are less than impressed with this site. Save yourself the stress of clearing out your inbox everyday of usless emails and find a better site. THIS SITE DOSE NOT CONTAIN SINGLE QUALITY GUYS!
Evan Marc Katz says
@Lulu: “This site is full of men who can not read at all.” “THIS SITE DOSE NOT CONTAIN SINGLE QUALITY GUYS!”
You are aware of the irony, aren’t you?
Sophia says
Well Evan being a grammar Nazi does NOT entitle you to put Lulu down or assume she is wrong. And every single woman here that says match.com is no better than POF is absolutely correct. In fact, POF is probably less boring. Match.com has a much slower profile response and the quality is in no way better. I actually found it to be much worse. And none of them are worth paying for. I am actually lucky. I am well educated and have a great job. I am also cultured and well travelled. And have more than above average looks with excellent photos. So I do get some very quality (on paper) men responding to my profile. However, it does not change the facts. And how could you really know unless you did a case study or were a woman yourself having this actual experience?
Henriette says
@ Sophia – I don’t think Evan was putting down Lulu. Rather, he was pointing out that she is criticising men on Match.com for not reading when she showed that she, herself, had not re-read her own comment before posting.
Evan has always made a point of suggesting that we not be harsh in our criticism of men we meet online, especially when we are attacking them for traits that we might in fact ourselves possess. I believe he is merely underscoring that point in his comment to Lulu. It is not an assumption that she is wrong but rather a playful reminder that she, too, might not come across as well as she thinks, online, and so to perhaps cut guys a bit of slack.
Lorena says
Sorry but is very difficult when you don’t make much money to afford to pay for a night out every weekend or so, much less to pay every month for an online dating site. Reality check!
Azure says
It’s worrying. Something seems to be definitely wrong with the dating scene for women after 50. Really. I may identify partially with the immigrant lady with the strong accent and member of Mensa. Excuse me, but reading you all, makes me feel better. At least I know now for sure that it’s nothing wrong with me in particular; either we are all committing the same mistakes, or (back to my initial statement) something’s definitely wrong with men. They all seem to want just about the same: get laid without complications or commitment, or plastic dolls. I can add some variety: they want a legal status, they think all women at this age are cougars, they want to live out of our money and work like pimps…you have to be very shrewd to identify some of their deepest intentions. Beware of hackers. They have no heart at all!
Vinny says
“They all seem to want just about the same: get laid without complications or commitment…”
I prefer to call it “making love” and if both parties are getting incredible pleasures (maybe this is the problem) then shouldn’t it be at the top of everyone’s list of must haves?
Also, men as you correctly assessed, do not like complications, we’re simple beings because we’re hard-wired that way.
Appreciate how men are and use it to your advantage!
Wendy says
This is my 2nd bout on Match and I’m really disappointed. I’m 54 and fairly attractive. My membership ends next month, and I can’t wait. I had a Nigerian scammer (I figured that one out quickly), some pip squeak early 40’s guys, LOTS of winks and likes on my pictures and not to be mean but, a lot of guys over 62 (my max is 60), and guys within a couple of years older than me who look like they could be my father or a heart attack waiting to happen. I have a good life, my own home, a decent job and lots of friends. Perhaps I’m not meant to date.
Yvette says
Match.com is lame! They guys are not worthy!!!
Treasure says
So how do you find a women who is kind, freely gives if herself because giving of herself BECAUSE she is self confident
and is not looking just for financial security.
I am am looking for a woman where partnership means bring a champion for each other’s lives, helping each other up
when we fall, feel loyalty to each other and revel
in intimacy of all kinds. Getting laid is easy, making love takes
takes opening your soul and sharing it with someone.
halehpersian says
I like ok cupid better because i have found decent people but none of them have taken interest in me, i dont know why, i have said hello to them also, instead i have gotten 155 likes from boys that just want sex
match.com, well i have not found any decent people there, i am 28, i think
am pretty, but i do not have a degree (maybe that is the reason)
let me know what you think, my ok cupid name is the same name i wrote above
Jenny says
If I ever date in the far away future…..I may search for a dating site that caters to “American women looking for British (or Australian) men.”
kath says
Although Ive done online dating the last few years I had something traumatic happen this week . A guy who I had initially given my name and number to , but who I then declined to meet, posted my name and number on Craigs list sex encounters site . I was woken on sunday morning with a barrage of hundreds of calls , texts and text pics of naked men or just their penises.
Now I would advise all women to get a google number that hides their true number .
Karl R says
Report him to the online dating site. Report him to Craig’s list.
Most importantly, depending upon the jurisdiction you live in, you may be able to report him to the police for stalking. That definitely qualifies as “harassing”.
kath says
Thanks Karl Ive talked to the police, a lawyer, and the DA Craigs list requires a subpena to track down poster
Just want to warn women about divulging their number The bad thing about guys online is that they can be unaccountable for v bad behavior… eg like insulting you if you politely decline .. Ive deleteed my profile.
What shocks me more than this sociopath, is that hundreds of men were calling me for an encounter . i could have been 500lb man setting them up for an ambush for all they knew
Janice says
I have tried finding available men on the “online dating” and they all look like they just walked in off the farm or the oil patch LOL. Ladies you know what I’m talking about? Why, as women, are we to look like a brand new penny when these so called available men look absolutely atrocious? Ball caps, t-shirts, sunglasses? These men don’t want a relationship their just looking for a “screw” excuse my language. These men need to look appropriate like the men who are on “The Bachelorette” if they want a great woman. Am I wrong?
These dating sites I have found their only looking for one thing so why are they on there in the first place? It’s a joke.
Jo says
Spot on – the men on these sites are simply dreadful. One fellow had a picture of himself kneeling down near a fence, and in the background there was a cow taking a big dump. LOL – this picture will forever be burned in my mind. Match.com = cow turd
LauraJ says
I’m sorry you had this experience, but I had to admit I laughed out loud. 🙂 Perhaps if we’re all to continue to endure online dating we need a webpage where we can share our stories…
Ally_Kat says
This is EXCELLENT advice! So sorry that happened to you!
Jessie says
I’ll disagree from personal experience. The guys I met were total fraud. The worst date I’ve ever been on was from Match.com and the most disgusting part of it was that I paid for it. No thanks. I find it easier to join groups like Meetup.com and find real people who like the same things I do. EHarmony was even worse. I have to pay to meet a bunch of jerks.
Lynn says
Trust is a big issue in online dating, because the people you meet on dating sites you have no history or mutual connections (this is less true if you meet someone on Facebook, but it is more awkward to meet someone new on Facebook, because basically everybody will be watching you!).
I went over to match.com just now and did a search on men in a 20-year age range, within 25 miles of my zip code, and there were only 48. I narrowed the search by height: 3′ to 5’7″ (just to see how many of these matches are actually short) and that filter resulted in only 6 matches. So, maybe only 6 men are being truthful about their height online? 🙂
I actually don’t give a sh*t about a man’s height. I’m only 5’3″ myself. I can date taller or shorter Granted, there aren’t that many men out there who are shorter than I am, although I have met a few Italian men who were probably 5’1″ or 5’2″.
It’s much harder to meet *educated* men than men of any height preference, however. I have 2 graduate degrees, but I’m willing to date someone who has at least a bachelor’s degree (or some equivalent laurels of success). There aren’t many. I think the “hollowing out of the middle class” has shown up on dating sites in a big way since 2008. I think people who dated online before the crash had the best dating options. Now, you’ll just be meeting deadbeats who are borderline homeless and/or leeching off their baby-mamas while surfing online for a new meal ticket -er, ahem, I mean “girlfriend.” Or, maybe that is only true in the South-by-Midwest area of the country where I live. Maybe this is just symptomatic of the polarization of the economy into the coastal haves and the inland have-nots.
Not again says
As I read these comments I do wonder if anyone has studied the patterns to dig deeper on why it does or does not work for people. Like do people in certain income brackets or geographic locations fare better than others. Does online dating perpetuate a kind of consumerism or commoditization that sours people on the experience. DK. As far as finding quality in quantity I doubt it’s any harder than in the old days of bar and club hopping but at least I didn’t have to share my inner most thoughts and desires for the world to see!
Spire says
This is totally speculation. I’d like to see your metric charts. Match.com really sucks btw.
Evan Marc Katz says
9% of married couples are meeting in bars. 1/3 are meeting online. Evidently SOMEONE is having success on Match.
Not again says
So where are the other ~2/3 meeting? 🙂
This topic intrigues me, as just like the commenters here, from what I’m told about online dating it’s a mixed bag. It works for some people, not for others and one of the biggest factors seems to be just luck (which would be like a lot of things in life).
From a numbers perspective, yes it makes sense. But is it possible that there is a significant number of people who just don’t have the temperament or personality to succeed in online dating? I’m a painfully private person and I know I could never get on board with online dating in a million years.
Racky says
Hope this post is still active, I am recent to Match and I have definitely received plenty of emails, winks and interest from men on the site. I am looking for something serious, but I don’t know if I am willing to spend such a large sum of money to contact the fellas that have sparked my interest. Is it worth it, honestly? I pay attention a lot to what the men write on their profiles, if it screams immature, or not my type(OLD, creepy and not my type externally) then of course I won’t bother. But are the amount of emails and likes, match notifies the user about exaggerated by the MATCH TEAM? (No – EMK)
E says
I agree and disagree about online dating. I tried it in the past for over two months, before I experienced massive burnout. I’m thinking of trying again, because I agree with the point that meeting men is difficult, if not impossible, otherwise. Half the people I know who are in relationships have met online. I’m a returning college student, and all I meet are younger men who don’t know how to treat a woman they are interested in as anything but a friend. So if you want to go on dates, online dating is the way to go.
As an attractive woman, I was swamped with dating requests. I went on 2-3 dates a week. The problem was that the men were all of poor quality, in that they all pushed for sex desperately on the first date, as if they hadn’t gotten laid in years. Many were pathologically shy and couldn’t hold a conversation to save their lives. They couldn’t even walk side by side with me; they were so shy that they would pull ahead, walk so fast that I couldn’t keep up, then wait for me at the door. It was getting very, very irritating.
Online dating is unnatural, and all the couples I’ve seen who have met online have a certain weirdness about them. It’s hard to describe, but you can see that they never quite get comfortable with each other the same way that people who meet in person do. It’s not what I prefer, but again, you can’t meet them anywhere else. They are not at bars, coffee shops, school or volunteering. They are on the internet. That’s the way our world works.
Evan Marc Katz says
“Online dating is unnatural, and all the couples I’ve seen who have met online have a certain weirdness about them. It’s hard to describe, but you can see that they never quite get comfortable with each other the same way that people who meet in person do.”
That has to be the most inane thing I’ve ever heard. Sorry. But when people are together for 5 years, the way they met has NOTHING to do with their relationship. The way you meet is over instantaneously. Who cares if it’s through a friend, at a bar, on a subway, in traffic court, or on OkCupid? The story of the relationship is written for YEARS afterwards; how you meet (unless it’s in prison) is entirely irrelevant.
Liz says
I was not happy with match.com. Minutes after joining, I started receiving non-stop IM’s which all started with some variation of “Hello Pretty” or “Hello Beautiful”. ALL of these men were scammers sharing a similar and bar bones profile with photos that must have been scammed from mature men’s modeling sites.
Now, I consider myself reasonably attractive but after working in theatre for years, I take my own advice that I would give young actresses, “Never date anyone prettier than you because they will cheat on you, there’s only room for one diva in a relationship and you don’t want to have to fight for mirror space in the bathroom.” So, when a man who looks like George Clooney who claims to be an international diamond dealer with a bad grasp of English starts IMing me, I’m suspicious. Most of the attention I got on these site was from Nigerian scammers.
The other type of person I got were haters because I said I wasn’t interested in anyone who watches FOX News. I made no other comments with regard to politics. So, I had about a dozen responses from “gentlemen” who called me a liberal cunt or variation thereof; thus confirming my desire to avoid people who watch Fox News.
I met one fellow for coffee with the stipulation that we not talk about politics which is all he did for about 30 minutes before I got up and left by faking an attack of irritable bowel syndrome.
So, by all means try match.com if you want to fend off Nigerian scammers, misogynists or ego-maniacs. I’d love to find someone to canoodle with both intellectually and physically but the aggravation of the on-line sites is not worth it. I’ll just stock up on batteries and bacon and entertain myself.
Bald is Beautiful says
I have tried POF, OKC, Match, eHarmony, etc. and for me is was a bust and here is why I am a bald guy and am no eye candy in an image. Personality and intelligence I can cut the carpet with anyone and am super fun to be around. If you suffer in the looks department and you are a male you are way better off meeting women in places where you see them on a regular base. I just did not attract the attention I wanted online period, so be careful to pick your arena that delivers the desired results.
Christine says
I don’t like online dating. The one experience that shied me from it permanently was I met a criminal on there-a guy that had been under home surveillance for getting involved with a minor male. That did it for me. I would like to date again, but every time I think about trying again, I remember that and it scares me. The other guys I met were just looking for a quick roll in the hay. That’s not what Im about. I’d like to find another way to meet quality men without all the hassle of online dating. Friend and family referrals are not an option-they are all married or coupled and so are the other people they know. I am approaching 50 and I’m very discouraged.
Silvia says
i think on line dating is better than meeting guys at other places. It is true that men may lie about some things on their profile but men lie when you meet them in other places too. At least on line you know something about them before you waste your time going on a few dates and spend even months finding out the guy is a loser. I recommend being careful since on line men can be anyone and can have ill intentions so never tell them where you live and meet them at public place you know is safe. Proceed with caution always but know that there are good men on line and they are easier to find on line than out in the street, men no longer approach women like they used to, times have changed and men are a lot more laid back when it comes to aporoaching women specially when they get older. Women are also more aggressive and if you are not comfortable being the aggressive one it is harder for you to meet men at public places. Match.com is pretty good.
Silvia says
POF was lower quality, men were cursing at me just for not replying to their messages because I was not interested. Men on that site were no college, no manners, no good intention they are just looking for sex, abussive if you didn’t give them your ph number minutes after the 1st message. Not a good experience. Who wants messages from a bunch of losers.
LauraJ says
I agree with the logic behind this advice from Evan, I totally do. Having been mostly single my adult life, and not at age 37, having done internet dating for so many years I hate it so much I think I have to delete my profiles just to stay sane. I agree the main ones Match, POF and eHarmony seem to be better. I personally would not go near POF again even if THEY paid ME. I have found that Match contains many of the same men who are on POF although Match does attract the higher quality ones. eHarmony attracts people who are looking for a proper relationship (apparently) but I’d have to travel over 30 miles to meet most of them which defeats half the purpose of online dating, i.e. not having time to socialise loads. I feel that if I paid for a 10 year subscription to Match I might finally meet someone, but will it be worth it if I have gone insane in the process? I have had nasty emails from men on POF and Match, and yes they get kicked off the site, but it’s still an awful experience.
So I agree with Evan’s advice in principle, it just doesn’t seem to have worked for me so far. I tell myself that it would probably be the same in real life, but either way I’m tempted to stop looking. They do say that to get different results you have to do different things. Having tried everything the only thing left is do absolutely nothing!! Whether that includes deleting my profiles is a decision for a better mood.
LauraJ says
One thing I forgot to say is that I resent paying for online dating given that: 1) I’ve been doing it for at least 12 years 2) It’s not been a good experience 3) Have had abusive emails. If it was free or someone was paying ME to do it, I might be able to endure it for longer but I don’t think I can. It’s not that I disagree with what Evan has said, this is just how I feel after my own experience. If anything, it has put me off men for good. Given all this, I’d rather spend the money on new clothes, or at least a DVD and bottle of wine.
Mikala says
Okay I’m going to put my two sense into this because I’ve had both good and bad experiences with online dating. I’ve been on OKC, Match, and POF. i met my last boyfriend on POF and although things didn’t work out, he was a nice guy. I had one date on Match with a guy who I enjoyed going out with, it just didn’t work out because the chemistry for me just wasn’t there. OKC, I had to delete that account I got too many emails from guys that were weird, asking me for sex, and disgusting. The quality of men on the OKC site was just low, I got incredibly frustrated and overwhelmed by all the emails that I just deleted the profile. I do agree that you have the enter the online dating pool with a positive attitude I can’t tell you how many people sent me emails that were just angry and bitter and tired of dating online, that attitude does come across very clearly when you’re communicating with someone, so be careful. Allow yourself a break if need be from the online stuff and jump into it again when you’re ready. I highly recommend the paid sites cause I just believe the quality of men you meet there is much better and they are obviously making an investment on meeting someone. Make sure your pictures are good and that you’re honest on your profile and positive! I think that will pay off in the end. I know it’s a bit hard to navigate the online dating world, believe me I know, but as long as you’re not expecting to meet your future husband in the next week of subscribing then you’ll be fine. Online dating takes time and you have to be willing put the time and effort into meeting someone. We unfortunately live in this quick fix society where we think that just because we are on a site we’re immediately going to meet ” The one”, part of dating online is weeding through the bad ones and you do get the good ones here and there, that’s why we appreciate them more. Online dating I think is a great way of meeting people especially if you don’t have a lot of time on your hands to go out and socialize, I highly recommend it. Just pace yourself, don’t expect too much, and take it in stride.
Brandy shew says
Im on okc and its the same as pof or date hook up. Match and eharmony. I swear if i read one more email about sex. Ill scream. They are all so friggen normal. Till u talk off the site. I persoanly use kik so i dont give my number out to these losers. But once u talk for more than ten twenty txts. Its all bout sex!!! I mean really? We havent even made it to the first date! Im pretty. Im smart. Have a job. Own my own home. Dont have young kids… Where are the guys that are like me? Normal and wanting more???
Wondering says
Dear Evan, I’ve read both your article and the comments, and here’s what I can’t figure out. It’s clear you don’t get any endorsement from Match, so why advocate them exclusiviely? I recognize the value in much of what you say, so would be curious to understand why the particular emphasis on Match? Thanks in advance for your consideration, A Fan
Evaw says
Goodness! So much time and effort rallying for or against Goldie. I just happened upon this site, and am astounded by how/why people concern themselves with another person’s personal perspective. Let it go, and live by your own creed proudly.
@Goldie…my only thoughts are that I am not reading genius level posts anywhere, from anyone; you included. That is not an intended bash. Maybe you have won a Pulitzer…I don’t actually care…but tossing around, ‘college professor,’ ‘mensa,’ and ‘intelligent?’…tone it down.
I can’t imagine dedicating anymore energy to this, so type away furiously if you need to…I am actually offering useful information to you: be real and skip the tossing about of psedu-intellectual catch phrases.
I will not spell check or proof this, so who knows what errors are to be found in my post! I am also not yelling from the mountain tops about my education or supreme intellect…so grammatically errors?…expect them. Goldie: your comments ought to be cleaned up grammatically…ending sentences in prepositions is a nasty no no.
Monica says
Hi Evan,
I just wanted to say I read your blogs and post on FB almost everyday and I love all of them all! This post in particular is something that I paid a little more close attention to. I agree with everything you said in it. 🙂 I’m in my mid 30’s and still single. 🙁 I don’t blame anyone. ..it’s like you said if you don’t put yourself out there how do you expect to meet anyone? I’m a single parent, work full time and on my free time I’m usually at family gathers so I decided to try the whole online dating thing. I have tried match.com 2 times (3 month subscription) in gaps and made some friends but did not gain a serious relationship. Was I disappointed? Yes sure I was… I came across some charters but I didn’t let it scare me. Lol As a matter of fact, I’m going to try it again…they say the 3rd time is the charm! I’m not giving up on love! Thanks again for all your incredible advice, you are awesome! ! !
Robyn says
Of the 10 matches I got today on match.com only one of them had been active within the last 3 weeks. It’s like that most days.
Has Tinder killed paid dating sites? Is there somewhere better for an Australian in her late 20s. It seemed to be the same on eharmony too.
jo says
Match owns tinder
Jacqueline says
I am currently subscribed to match.com and I really hate it.
1st of all, I feel like I am looking through a Male catalog.
2nd of all, there is too much left out. By just reading a profile (of how “they” perceive themselves), and seeing a picture, you aren’t capturing their true personality. Whereas, if you met in person, there personality could make up for what their physical appearance may be lacking.
So you could actually pass over someone, who may actually be “perfect” for you, because they didn’t catch your eye, But if you had met them in person, you may have really liked them, because of their personality.
There’s too much left out.
Kath says
Match seems in my experience a waste of time for women over 50 . So many guys 50 and up say they are only looking for significantly younger when they themselves seem very mediocre. I wouldnt join Match again . OK cupid is at least more entertaining. I like the personality profiles and reading answers to questions gives me more insight into guys personality . It seems a much less ageist site toward women .
Roxanne says
I am 62. Look great. In shape. People think I am in my 40s. I know…you hear this all the time.
if I put that info into the profile on an online dating site..I will not get men who are my age seeking me out. They will think my photo is of a much earlier age. It doesn’t work. They would not consider a woman over 60. Hot or otherwise so I am not on the radar of 59-63year old men.
I am not interested in 75 year old men. I have worked hard to stay fit and attractive. I don’t frequent bars…and I have not dated a lot because EVERYONE tells me men just want younger women. And they may approach me thinking I am much younger..if they see me out….but I am not.
Yes…I need to get out there more. And I will. I took some time off from men. I know what you have to say about that. Walk in my shoes.
i just don’t think the online things works for everyone. I tried it.
Donna says
I am also 62. Look great. In shape. Work hard to stay that way. I hope you give it another shot. I have been on Match on two separate occasions for several months. The first time, I made lots of mistakes and learned what NOT to do. Then I found (I worked hard and searched hard) what I thought I needed. He was four years my junior. We had a passionate two year relationship which I ended for all the right reasons. I gave myself time to grieve and heal and realized I didn’t need a man in my life but knew that I wanted one. So I got back on Match and eventually found (I let him chase me til I caught him) a great guy.
It’s possible and probable that you will find someone who loves you, excites you and, most of all, deserves you. This man and I have been together for nearly two years and, although we have recently separated, I have hope that the next one might be forever. Most of all, that it will be right for me. I am getting ready to get back on that horse again soon even though I am scared to death.
There are quality men out there looking for quality women. How tragic if we never find each other.
betty says
In general, I find that every guy I went out with from Match had something interesting going on, but not necessarily the thing that captivated me. The onus is on men to be the initiator, pay for the date, and try and discern who and what the woman is, and for many men, this is not easy! If I were in their shoes, I’m not sure I would be all that secure. So I try to be polite, because I know that I will be doing a lot of rejecting, mostly to a man who hasn’t done or said anything ‘wrong’.
It is a bit of the ‘luck of the draw’, but so much in life is circumstance. You were in the right place at the right time, or not.
So, if you can find someone in a movie meet-cute way-that’s great! If not, its online dating!
Rivkah says
Match.com is awful. The only men who responded to me were not a match at all, but jerks. One guy named his dog after himself and asked to remove my makeup. Another guy wanted to marry me after two conversations. Another guy asked for a $20,000 loan. Some of these men were foreigners, some were Americans. I unsubscribed from that site in a hurry, more than disappointed, more like disgusted. I am an older woman (60) but I look much younger. I am fed up with 30-somethings who abuse serious dating sites. Although looks are not everything, men are more visual than women, and some men tend to pick out the more attractive women and zero in on them, hoping to either have internet sex, or marry them for a green card. In my experience, the men I asked to meet suddenly disappeared, and I deleted the men who should have been on sex sites and not dating sites. I really detest dating sites and am considering paying a real dating agency.
SparklingEmerald says
Hi Rivkah – You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. You might meet your prince IRL, through online dating or through a professional match maker. I met my guy through match.com. I also went to a match maker and they just charged me a lot of money, and I got NOTHING. Good luck to you whichever venue you choose. My experience on all the sites combined (Match, POF, OKC) had a lot of users, losers, scammers & fakers. I also met some really good guys but we just weren’t a match. It only takes one, and I found my “one” online.
Lisa says
I have commented before on this issue but since this is specific to online dating I will comment again. I was on match and then did OK Cupid and it was not effective for me. It was not because there were not a lot of men to meet on there it was actually the opposite. There were far too many. I was downright bombarded with emails. To the point I would have to hire someone to go through them if I actually wanted it to be effective. I’m a woman in her 30s so I simply can’t imagine what women in their 20s must go through. I guess I am attractive that’s what I am told. I would often be asked if I was a fake profile or things like why was on on the site. As I have lamented before most of the men that contacted me never read my profile they just looked at my pics which by the way were very appropriate and not revealing or anything. I spent a lot of time weeding through the emails from men that I would never date because they lived halfway across the country, smoked , did not want kids, were 20 years older or 10 years younger that I likely missed a lot of really good guys. At a certain point I just started looking at pictures because it was the quickest thing to do. The few guys I did meet were total jerks but I never got to the good guys because I was just too darn exhausted and overwhelmed. Then there were the follow up emails oh the follow ups. Match allows them to see when you log on and it’s like they wait for you to and try to im you and many get downright nasty. I emailed a few guys on my own but at a certain point I did not even want to log on because logging on meant you showed up in more searches and guys saw you were online. I promise I am not exagerraring or being pompous it just was downright exhausting. I have read suggestions to not put up a picture but that’s not fair I would not respond to that and I am not going to use a fake one. I did try eharmony before but I had some really strange dates on there that made me question their matching criteria. Twice I was matched up with a virgin in his 30s (2???) both very religious. I am a very sexual non practicing Catholic who considers myself an atheist how the heck did the questionnaire match us? They also insist on matching you with people really far away and when you reset the criteria to local they will actually tell you we can’t find anyone to match you with. I’ve had several friends join to be told that! Pretty depressing. I kept saying please don’t match me with people on the west coast I live in DC! I only use tinder because even though men are more sexual at least I can control who contacts me on there.
Ali says
I’ve never been on this site before….came upon it through a Google search. I’m sorry ladies, as a woman I have to say after reading all your comments I just have one thing to say. Women TALK and OVER THINK situations to the point of EXHAUSTION. My goodness…just reading all the comments and responses are making my head hurt. I’m beginning to see why men make so much $$$ as dating coaches, mentors, etc. WE MAKE THINGS SOO COMPLICATED. Thank you ladies for giving me MY aha moment. I’m going to keep things simple and light and just see what happens.
Fadia says
Online dating sucks. It’s a waste of time. I would rather be single then waste my life on dude’s who want to text, and who never grow up and be accountable.
Katrina says
Actually match owns all the dating sites including POF now and the sleaziest of them all Date Hookup. Talk about a Monopoly. POF has the dregs of the dating world and the paid members are the same as on Match. Same with OkCupid owned by Match. Any good dating site comes along Match takes over and ruins them. Don’t waste your money. It’s all very manipulated behind the scenes and I bet this guy is definitely paid to promote Match. If your talking to someone who promotes Match there being paid. Believe me
skcamper says
Very true
POF site had my roommate bringing home crackheads and alcoholics,putting ME in danger. One of them started text harassing me.He started last week. He also caused a problem between my roommate and me. There are so many bad guys that I can’t even count them. And it’s sad. Because I live 42 miles from any town,and I don’t drink or do drugs. So that leaves out about 85% of the guys. The rest are just so homily or looking for a sugar mom. I don’t believe in this online dating bs. So I guess I will be alone forever. Which doesn’t seem as bad as getting raped or killed by some stranger who plays the game.
Karly says
I hate online dating for 1 main reason. For me it’s been a complete waste of time. it’s borderline impossible to get anyone to actually meet in “real life” unless you happen to want to agree to meet them for sex that night. I had 1 guy last week who wanted me to meet him in a park, that night, after dark, to “f***”. In 5 years, across 6 or 7 sites, I’ve been on a total of 3 dates. 3!!! Not because I’m fussy, or because I turn everyone down, but because in my experience online “dating” is talking for a month (up to 4 months” but not meeting. Guys don’t seem to want to actually meet! Everyone wants to chat but no-one will actually meet. I get the “let’s get a drink” and I agree, but then they won’t set a day or time. When I have asked for specific, like “do you want to meet this week for that drink?” they’re either “busy” or don’t reply at all. It’s impossible and frustrating. There is nothing worse than chatting to someone for weeks, who you find interesring and want to meet, when they say they want to meet, but then won’t.
Blackcat says
I think that maybe one of the reasons they won’t meet is because they already have a girlfriend or wife. They like the flirt and the attention but when it comes down to meeting they get an attack of guilt.
Colleen says
I think you are spot on here. I don’t think you are shoving online dating in anyone’s face. You have clearly outlined your reasoning. The bottom line I get from your article is that you can’t meet “the one” without meeting “any one.” And let’s face it this day and age the easiest way to do that is through online dating. I don’t know if it’s technology that keeps us more distanced from people than ever before but the days of striking up a conversation for romantic purposes outside of the bar are gone.
I admit I have tried and failed with online dating, but that doesn’t change the objective or the means.
Blackcat says
Hi all, I’m not American but I have been on Plenty of Fish…twice!
The first time I found it was whilst looking on Google for online dating sites. I wrote about myself etc and I was actually as genuine as I could be. I had quite a lot of guys get in touch, a few good looking guys (from their photos anyway) a few interesting but nobody that really caught my eye so I gave up after a couple of weeks.
The second time I wish I hadn’t decided to get back on there. My sister told me about it and said it would be worth a try (note:never take dating advice from her again)
Same thing, quite a few guys interested, I wrote back to 3/4 and was getting along really well with one in particular when one day he disappeared…into thin air. Ok I thought, a real shame but in the end “who cares” and carried on talking to another guy who seemed nice until he decided to send me pictures of his genitals (because I was so obviously interested in seeing that part before his face) 😬😬😬
Lets just say that I didn’t have much luck, I gave it time but the guys were really bad quality.
After closing my account I decided to sign up online as a kind of pen pal writing to guys in the Royal Navy…an old romantic! Never again, I was passed from one to another asking for nude pictures and in the end got sent pictures of genitals yet again.
I think I prefer real life even if I find that at 40 guys are either married with kids and want to have “fun”, freshly divorced and want to have fun my age but looking for a younger woman or much older than me and looking for a younger woman…
but even after a divorce and trying numerous times I still won’t give up!
Danielle says
So Evan, what would you suggest for an intelligent, articulate, attractive, woman who knows exactly how to write a stand out profile, and has subscribed to Match, (and other dating services) for SIX YEARS with no success? I get messages all day long, and yes, they are mostly from men I’m not interested in and would not be compatible with. The messages I send go unanswered. I completely understand the numbers game, and it’s why I’ve persevered this long, but it’s exhausting and extremely disheartening after all this time. I keep my photos current and periodically update my text to keep it fresh. My writing is always positive, and I am frequently told that my profile stands out and is like no one else’s. I know it isn’t my profile, and I don’t believe that my expectations for a Match are unrealistic either …
Evan Marc Katz says
http://Www.findingtheoneonline.com – if you don’t like men coming in, you’d better learn to write to the ones you want.
Danielle says
I am consistently told how well written my profile is, and how it stands out and is unlike anyone else’s. I understand how to write; it’s something I do very well. I show, rather than tell, I avoid lists, it’s personal, and it’s positive. I use language that would target a man with the level of education and intellect that I’m looking for, and I use humor. The writing isn’t the problem.
April says
Online dating is an additional way to meet people; however, it is extremely frustrating and rarely results in a long term relationship. I was on match for over a year and have had the same experience as most of these women. You could be the best looking, the most fun, etc., but most of these men will move on to the next person just because it is a candy store to them. Most men on these sites have no intention on being in a long term relationship. They like the ego boost.
I have had better luck at meeting quality men ( intelligent, successful, nice) at high end steak houses. I go by myself and sit at a table in the bar area. I usually go Monday-Thursday during happy hour 5-7. I usually end up staying a lot longer. If you are a fairly attractive person and have a nice, talkative personality, you will have luck meeting quality men.
I am a huge football fan (college and NFL). I have had luck meeting men at nice sports bars. They are impressed with my knowledge and enthusiasm for the sport. I normally go with a group of friends, guys and girls. But, I will scan the place and make eye contact with the person I’m interested in. I will may sure they notice me.
My friend has met people at a carwash. She goes to a carwash in an upscale neighborhood and has met men while they were waiting for their car to be washed. I have not tried this, but I know that she has had luck with this.
I also have friends meet men by joining a bicycling group. The majority of the members of most groups and most are single. Any sport that is male dominated will help you meet men. I have a friend that took golf lessons and started playing. I haven’t tried these but would like to.
I think the other key is to be consistent. Do not depend solely on online dating. Be out in public. No one has ever met anyone while sitting on their couch.
I hope this was helpful. Best wishes!!!
ursula says
Really? I have had the worst experience ever on match. In fact I am writing a detailed article on why anyone larger than a size ten should NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GO ON MATCH.com. Why would you recommend such a terrible site? Are they paying you? If so I hope it’s such a butt load of money you can overlook the fact these are crooks stealing from the average American like myself. I have never been so depressed in my life. Not to mention the just thievery that goes on there. Or dealing with their horrible customer service. Or fake profiles. Ladies, save your $110.00 unlike me. Unless you are a gorgeous, no larger than size 10 woman with so many other attributes you have no business being in match.com and need a modeling rep, DON’T JOIN. Run from this site!!!
Ally says
I have been doing online dating, including Match.com, for about 5 years. I’ve never been married, have a good job, own my own home and am totally normal, so 5 years ago when I started, I thought I would find someone right away. What I found was that the guys I met and actually liked didn’t want relationships. Now I am 36 and still single with only the torture of online dating looming over me. The quality of guys has gone down, at least this is what I am assuming based on the terrible first messages I receive and the large number of profiles that say “to come”. And, it seems like Match.com and POF are trying to hard to turn into chat rooms rather than matching the right people together. I’m sick of one sentence answers back and forth. It seems like there are no other options for meeting anyone, especially at this age.
jo says
Get a dog and go hiking instead! Who has time to sift through the mounds of garbage on these sites? There is absolutely no quality control on any of them. You have an extremely small chance of meeting anyone you’d really want to date and you will waste tons of time surfing and messaging too. Frustration and depression soon follow. Go out and do something fun instead!
Janice says
I was on match.com for four years and in that time met two “real” people, the rest were all scammers. Speaking to the two guys I met, they both told me of the number of scammers they interacted with as well.
I found Plenty of Fish is the “safest” of the sites I’ve been on and have met with some lovely guys. Not all worked out, but I have made some good friends there.
RDV says
I live in Florida and am over 50. I know there are plenty of unattached men in this area but they all seem to want women that describe themselves as “petite” or “sexy”, even the men with pot bellies. I am more realistic and was very, very honest in my profile and had photos that were less than a year old. After three months, I had initiated over 40 emails and responded to EVERY email I received. The return rate on emails was less than 1%. Guess how many dates I had. Zero. ZIP. NADA. I started it with such hope and a very open mind. I ended totally discouraged, with my confidence in shreds. It was a total waste of time and money. I just can’t bring myself to lie or submit old photos.
Afraid in NJ says
I had great luck 6 years ago on match.com and recently rejoined to be very disappointed—multiple scams, men posing to be something they are not, gold diggers, classless guys…needless to say I only lasted 3 weeks and then went to millionaire match and found the caliber of men much better, but still too many scams and just went off that site too. The bottom line is I am disappointed and scared…too many weirdos for me…I would rather be alone than deal with that! Afraid in NJ
Keke says
I was on Match a year. POF about 6 months and now OkCupid. I’ve dated until blue in the face. Folks in general not looking for long term. Having a great time serial dating.
JC says
Per the comments above about a reasonably attractive woman not getting any traction on match.com:
I was in the same boat (very few incoming messages from men) until I took Evan’s recent advice and took a profile shot that included some cleavage. Suddenly inundated. Don’t be afraid to ‘market’ yourself, ladies. BTW, the new profile pic is of me in a dress I wear all the time so it’s still ‘me.’
Lici says
I have been on Zoosk and POF, I am finding that there are more people there to scam than date. I can recognize them now, but truly wonder where the decent people are.
Jim says
So if 90% of the guys aren’t first date worthy, that means all the women are going for 10% of the guys. Mathematically, how do you think that will work out for you? If the guy is in the top 10%, you have to ask yourself, what exactly do you bring to the table that would make him want you? Having friends that are in the top 10%, I know they primarily use these dating sites as a pump and dump algorithm. They just use these sites for, “fun”. Women that are slightly above average thing they will get a guy in the top 10 %, not happening ladies.
Mindy says
I tried Match. com in my late thirties as a very attractive, never married woman with no kids, now more than ten years later, divorced, with children, and obviously older, and still told I am very attractive, I get nothing but scraggly billy goats. I have an advanced degree, am told I am funny, and am kind hearted and fit, but get men who are over 60, overweight, and uneducated. It is so disheartening.
Theodora says
I am kind hearted
versus
I get nothing but scraggly billy goats
and
get men who are over 60, overweight, and uneducated
Maybe you are not as kind hearted as you believe…
Kay says
Theodora
I don’t think you can make that judgement about Mindy . Im also a kind person but the overwhelming numbers of messages Match from mediocre men who refuse to date women their own age gets very tedious.
What I get from Mindys message is that these guys don’t get younger beautiful women. These guys are a great source of revenue for Match because of the illusion of the choice they have.
Theodora says
I don’t think you can make that judgement about Mindy
We can make any judgement about anything that surrounds us – that’s why we have reason (aka judgement).
My “judgement” is actually an observation based on the contradictions in her own post (alleged kind-heartedness vs. calling people scraggly billy goats).
Im also a kind person but the overwhelming numbers of messages Match from mediocre men
The overwhelming majority of the people on this Earth are mediocre (average). The opposite of mediocre is exceptional, and just a small minority of people are exceptional (in looks, intelligence, accomplishments or other aspects). So, in what respects are you or her exceptional to deserve an exceptional (non-mediocre) man?
who refuse to date women their own age gets very tedious.
What I get from Mindys message is that these guys don’t get younger beautiful women
So, you don’t like messages from older men. Then ignore those messages and ignore those men, the same way they ignore the messages or attention they receive from women their own age. Easy peasy. Calling them scraggly billy goats accomplishes nothing – imagine men calling older women scraggly hags (from the kindness of their heart, that is).
SparklingEmerald says
Hi Theodore Men do call women fat, old ,spoiled, etc on this blog on a regular basis, while also claiming to be desirable. Since you are a guy tho, you probably haven’t noticed.
kay says
Theodora
Im surprised at your caustic response. I intuit you are a man also.
Actually those older men who are overweight , unattractive and dishevelled tell me women their age are unattractive and overweight. They ARE essentially calling them hags.
I wonder why you are so personally offended. Maybe you are one of those guys
Theodora says
SparklingEmerald,
I know it’s hard for you to believe because group thinking is more natural than free thinking to most people, but I am 100% a woman. If you want to convince yourself, I can give you an e-mail address, phone number or whatever.
Nat says
I have to say I also felt u were a man, Theodora. And I felt that right after reading your first comment, before anyone else said it, so “group thinking” had nothing to do with it. If u are a woman, you must have very high T-levels.
I don’t like calling anyone out on the blog, but I feel that anyone pretending to be a diff gender here must have the ulterior motive of spreading misinformation.
ahs says
hahaha match.com! pfff that place is bullshit just like e-harmony stop telling me to try online dating its a total shit show all across the board. All it ever did was waste my time money and leave me with bad memories of creepy people.
karen says
I’m a widow of 21 months. I’ve tried online dating for a year… ourtime, eh armory, zoos, match.com… all were fruitless. I’ve had about 10 men I went on dates with… 1 a con man, 1 a player, 2 didn’t know what they really wanted even though they seemed eager at first, 1 widower suddenly couldn’t forget his wife. I am an attractive, funny, smart, easygoing, energetic, loyal, dependable 55 yr old woman. I’m no model, but they’ve All said I was cute, pretty, nice body… so why haven’t I been able to date one of these guys for longer than a few months? They all lied inadvertently on their profiles…. thinking they were romantic or wanting a serious relationship…. my circle of friends and colleagues workers are all married or too young. I’m saddened to think I’ll remain alone the rest of my life. I’m now terribly gun shy of those sites… and I always see the same guys on there that view me or like my pics but never message. … I could go on and on…. I’d say… avoid these sites, they don’t pan out.
Karl R says
karen asked:
“I’ve tried online dating for a year […] I’ve had about 10 men I went on dates with […] so why haven’t I been able to date one of these guys for longer than a few months?”
You’ve dated for one year, you’ve had one or more relationships that lasted for a few months, and you’ve been on dates with 10 men.
You’re doing better than I did in my first year of online dating.
Dating isn’t quick or easy. When I seriously got back into dating, it took well over three years before I started dating my wife.
You don’t want to get a long-term relationship with the first man. You want to get a relationship with the right man. That might take a little time.
karen said:
“They all lied inadvertently on their profiles…. thinking they were romantic or wanting a serious relationship….”
Based on the dictionary definition, a lie is “an intentionally false statement.” By definition, it is impossible to “lie inadvertently.”
For the 6+ years I was dating, I wanted a serious relationship. Not with every woman I dated, of course. Not with most women I dated.
Most women I dated didn’t want a serious relationship with me, either. Even if they really wanted a serious relationship.
I think those men did want a serious relationship. Once you find your serious relationship, you’ll be happy it wasn’t with any of them.
Regarding dating online:
Think of dating like investing. You wouldn’t put all of your money into one kind of investment. You would diversify.
Same thing with dating. Do some online. Do a few kinds of offline dating. Focus more on the stuff that’s working better, less on the stuff that’s showing worse results.
Amy says
Gotta be honest…I have match.com and I find it to be an epic waste of time for the most part. I have met men through the site and they always turn out to be jerks, players, and losers, even if they seemed nice at first. I no longer have pof.com but when I did I found that the men I was meeting resoundingly had the same problem as me: they were tired of paying for a service that was not meeting their needs. In online dating men and women have opposite problems. You see, I can get 10-12 emails per day on a slow day on each site I’m on and up to 50 per day per site on a big day. I’m a pretty lady and I attract a lot of initial attention. But maybe one per week is worth a follow up conversation (usually one a month) because the men are all wrong for me. 95% of the time they’re wrong for me because of a major deal breaker, like the fact that I mostly get emails from chain smokers despite explicitly stating in my profile that I don’t date smokers. So in short, I get loads of emails but almost none from people I could date or marry! My best guy friend gets no replies despite being a really great guy. He maybe gets one response for every 100 emails he sends. He’s good looking, charming, etc. I also should mention that if I take initiative and send an email, usually only the players and sociopaths respond, and the dating goes accordingly. And more and more people are becoming sociopathic because of all of these online relationships and connections. No one knows how to treat humans in person anymore.
We are both exhausted of dating, and especially online dating. There’s certainly no magic solution for finding and connecting with more of the right people. Online dating is still a waiting game. But the exhaustion comes from having to do it more often and having to deal with greater amounts of rejection and untoward behaviors. So while online dating is a great resource I also think that for a lot of people it is ruining dating and the idea of relationships.
And I’ll fairly say I met a man in November on match.com who was eager to pursue a relationship and make me his girlfriend and the moment I agreed to the commitment he started cheating on me. I’ve been on a few other dates, all I would call wastes of my time…and then the most recent guy who tells me I’m so special to him and the only woman he’s seeing and he asked me not to see other men, too, yet he seems to always be too busy to see me…and he just magically seems to have free time to use match.com and has asked out six of my friends. The point is…there’s more kelp in the sea these days than there are fish. So I don’t think match.com is always the answer.
Helen Kyri says
There should be an online dating service whereby they’d arrange different events, dinners, short trips for people interested in the same topic, ideas and same age groups. There is nothing worse than this frustrating rigmarole of online communication via emails endless exchange of conversation and many times you’ll meetup and find out what was envisaged was a complete fantasy for whatever reason. Sorry I’m not for this online thing, nothing like the old fashioned approach. Its like when you order e.g a piece of clothing online, it looks great and when it is delivered many times it has to be returned because the material and/or colors or whatever are not what is advertised, the fitting is completely off and/or the length is different…. Then one has to go through the annoying process of packing it up and sending it back when the next order might be just as disappointing etc etc etc. ‘Do you know what i’m getting at’. Whereas attending an
event at least you’ll probably get out of the house meet alot of different people and even if nothing comes of it you’ve had a social experience which may benefit you in different ways psychologically. Sorry, probably because I’m of an older generation, I feel this is the best way to meet people and enjoy life. Online this and online that, we’ll end up with square faces and frustrated losing out on human contact. After such event,as I mentioned above, the emails/
contacts could begin, why should I have to release my details to a completely unknown person who most of the time will not be to my liking.
Sorry if I sound like an old prune, but I believe this is the best way to meet people.
Zee says
I have no idea why in 2018 this site would continue to recommend on-line dating or tell it’s users
there are quality men on match cause they pay to be there. Match at this point is false advertising
wanna make sure you have repeated awful experiences and have to pay for it to boot. Go ahead sign up.
Irina says
I used online dating 15 years ago and recently. Nothing changed over these years. I find that 99.99% men will never be a good match, so it’s a lot of work to find that 1 in 10 000 of men. But I found such men too. I did not waste my time on the rest, sometimes they were just clown to me, a free entertainment, sorry, I have a sense of humor, and if a man behaves like a pig, I have no mercy to him. If you do not have personality like mine, do not try online dating, it will be not funny but frustrating for you. Online sites are working good for those who look for casual sex only. It is a right place to be if you need younger guys for sex. Or get ready to dig deeper yourself to find that 1 guy in 10 000 and have the nerve not to pay attention to the rest 9 999. I found a pen-pal like that and was ready to visit him (he paid my ticket) when suddenly met my husband to be in real life.
Never pay for online service, if this is best advice the author of the article can give, then I am not buying her books and coaching services. On match.com which I paid out of curiosity once, there are absolutely the same kind of men like on pof, if not more, looking for sex without commitment. It is cheaper for them than to pay a hooker, that’s all. So, may be more men with a little more money are there, but these men are not relationship available. And they are even more frustrated because they paid and cannot find a woman who will run after them begging them to bang her. Please keep it in mind and do not waste your money. I got my money back, as I said I am not frustrating myself over that all, men who wanted to date me were married, and I pretended to be very interested, and asked for gifts. Because they were married and sure I was eager to have sex with them, they were opening their wallets! Even on the 1st date. I probably could do that for business, ha-ha-ha! But I got back somewhat what I paid to match.com with the gifts of my choice, disappeared for those “lovers” before any sex, and deleted my profile. And that would teach those men a lesson how to cheat their wives! But please do not repeat my trick, I was so angry at match.com, I wanted my money back, just do not pay for ANY online dating services. They should be free for women and charge only men, as men are anyway looking to save on hookers, and hookers are all on those sites (that’s what other ment from there told me). And women, if they are not hookers, should not pay for that service.
The only online site I use now is POF and I do not pay for any extra services there. Nothing changed in years. Some nice men still are out there (2019), I created profile with clear statement that I am looking for a man to marry, and that’s what I would advise to women, even if they just want to date not ready to marry. State that you want to marry (even if you don’t). It cuts a lot of sex lookers and cheaters, as they do not want to waste time contacting me. There are still players contacting me (they do not read), but as I do not take them seriously, I mostly smile and pass them buy. They are like ghosts or shadows for me, not real. I wrote a long profile and keep changing details in it as they come to my head, with ironic messages to “men I do not want around me” and ridiculing sex lookers, so men who are actually looking for a relationship and respect me contact me in higher ratio to “hey/lol” dudes.
Most important: do not write men often. Sometimes wait 2-3 days, sometimes a week or two. Those who will be interested to meet will wait for your answer and meet, and those who are not will not waste your time and disappear just like shadows at noon.
One more thing: to find relationship is not a woman’s job, its a man’s job. So do not take this seriously. If he is the right one for you, he will be happy to do all the job, if he is not happy to do the job, you will be very-very miserable in relationship with such a man, is this what you want? This is probably the last thing a woman needs in her life, a relationship that complicates her life and makes her not happy. I have to admit, my happiest time is when I am NOT in relationship. Men always have tendency to downgrade a woman and by that steal her happiness, even the best of them do it sometimes. We are still dating them because society says we will be happier when we couple with them. This is not the case, at least today. Think, what really makes you happy and care less about dating, online or offline. I wrote I am looking for a husband, but it does not mean I am packed and ready to marry the first one to offer. It means that this will prevent a lot of those 9 999 people from contacting me. A man who is interested, in opposite, will be not stopped by that.
Again, do not repeat my trick with match.com! 🙂 You do not know who you can run into, men can become very angry once they realise that while they were trying to trick you they got tricked themselves. One married man showed me picture and said he was not married and lived with ‘sister” and his kids… I simply made him pay for my subscription on match.com, I could see he would not do something silly once he gets angry because there are kids and “sister”, but you never know. Dating online can turn to be a dangerous adventure, do not underestimate that risk.
PS the previous message has a lot of grammar mistakes which I tried to correct. I was writing in a hurry!