The Single Best Place to Meet Quality Guys
This morning, I took a peek at the questions coming into my blog. There I found eight questions all saying the same thing:
“Where is the best place to meet a quality, relationship-oriented man? I’m really open to everything you say, Evan, but I never meet any good men!”
I hear ya.
It’s certainly frustrating to want to prioritize your love life, but not have the opportunity to meet any new men on a day-to-day basis.
This lack of opportunity, above all, is the main reason that you’re not in love now.
It’s not because you’re terrible with men.
It’s not because you have nothing to offer.
The reason you’re single is simply that you haven’t met the right guy – and yet you have no idea where he’s coming along.
I’ve only got one word for you, my friend.
Match.com
Before you tune out or run away screaming, hear me out.
Because this isn’t just my opinion. This is fact.
As opinionated as I am, I’m always open to the possibility of being proven wrong.
I hope you are, too.
Did you hear that? That’s the sound of your preconceived notions being shattered.
Because studies show that facts don’t actually matter when you have a deeply held opinion.
That’s right.
If I told you that 2 + 2 = 4, but you believe that 2 + 2 = 5, no amount of evidence can make you change your mind. In fact, any evidence that I provide that contradicts you is only going to make you believe in your original premise more.
Fascinating, isn’t it?
Yes, you’re hardwired to be stubborn and, as such, you can easily fall victim to “the confirmation bias”, which seeks out information which only reaffirms what you already believe (biting my tongue on the obvious Fox News joke…)
So, if you have dated online and discovered the following:
• Men sometimes lie.
• Men often flake out.
• Men are poor at marketing themselves.
• Men are stupid, sexual and visual.
• The wrong men write to you. The right men don’t.
I wouldn’t be able to argue with any of this.
And if you concluded that, because of those observations, you weren’t inclined to try online dating again, you’d have plenty of evidence to support yourself.
But, in writing off online dating you’d be making a massive mistake. Here’s why:
In the past three years, 17% of all married couples met through online dating.
This is more than TWICE the number of couples who met through bars, clubs, and other social events.
Did you hear that?
That’s the sound of your preconceived notions being shattered.
Don’t fight it.
Now, to be fair, 38% of marriages came from work and school. And 27% came through a friend or family member.
So clearly that must mean that those are “better” ways of meeting…
Not so fast.
How many people have a job or go to school? About 100%
How many people have friends and family? About 100%
How many people are paying for online dating sites at a given time? Maybe 5%.
What this illustrates is that, proportionally, 5% of the population (online daters) accounts for 17% of the marriages in the past 3 years.
Does match.com pay to promote them 🙂 or do you think it is the best of all of the options. What about the others like Plenty of Fish or e-Harmony?
Match.com definitely does NOT pay me to promote them. It’s just a big brand name placeholder for online dating and I do actually prefer it as a mainstream site. Plenty of Fish is like the flea market – lots more low quality options, people looking for a very important service but unwilling to pay anything for it, but there is enough volume that you could find a diamond in the rough. And eHarmony requires no skill and doesn’t allow much choice – but it has the best compatibility model and the highest price point, so it’s for the most relationship-oriented people, not folks just looking to get laid. The point is that it doesn’t matter which website you’re on – if you’re not meeting enough quality people in real life, dating online is a resource that you MUST utilize.
Actually the same men on Match were all on Plenty of Fish too….
I tend to disagree with you and think that online dating sites provide another option and are another tool, but, shouldn’t we be able to think of other ways of meeting someone? every day there are opportunities to strike up conversation with someone you meet at the corner market to the coffer shop or gym…. I just think we’re losing the art of flirting because we’re starting to become more dependant on dating sites.
I must say, I agree with you! I probably tried almost all of the popular dating apps and felt as if it made me insecure about meeting guys face to face. Now, when I see a cute guy at the metro station or in a café I just smile but don’t go up and introduce myself, because I have no idea if he’s interested/single. It’s different from (example) Tinder, all you have to do is swipe, match then chat! Too easy and not so romantic.
I have nothing against online dating – you gave a % of married couples that met through online dating. How many of those marriage was or are successful? Being successful and remaining together is VERY IMPORTANT GIVING THE AMOUNT OF DIVORCES TODAY.
a) Divorce rate is going down steadily. College educated couples who get married over 30 are about 20%
b) There is no indication that online dating marriage are any worse than regular ones. Studies point in both directions.
Actually, what EMK said was “5% of the population (online daters) accounts for 17% of the marriages in the past 3 years.”
which is not exactly the same thing.
As he also said 100% of those same people who do online dating also have work or school, and friends, and family.
So it’s actually unknown whether online daters actually met the person they ended up marrying on a bus, or at Starbucks.
It’s not really fair to credit “online dating” for the resulting marriage, since we just don’t have the data for that.
Actually, it is. One study said 17% of marriages started from online dating. Another said 1/3 of marriages began with an online meeting. Either way, the Internet was the meeting point, not buses or Starbucks.
But did you ever read this? Before you say you disagree with this, let me just say that the author of this blog post now works for match.com.
http://web.archive.org/web/20101006104124/http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/why-you-should-never-pay-for-online-dating/
They took the post down after they were acquired by match.com (match.com is a public company and owns 70+ dating site brands), but the post is still in the internet archive.
They bought their competitor and the author of this old post to get the mathematicians. For the matching.
But the inherent conflict of interest that pay sites always have remains.
Yes, I saw that and I commented on how they used statistics unfairly to skew their point. I’m not going to read it again to tell you what I found objectionable, but I can tell you that I believe that those who are willing to invest money in their love lives are more serious about relationships – in general – than those who utilize a free service.
EMK, I don’t think that problem was at all the money, it was that you are emailing ghosts, and you don’t know it.
And that you are not really sure who they show you, since if they showed you the paid and unpaid (chaff, those that as you say are not willing to invest money in their love life) interchangeably. So you are emailing those that you say are not worthy. No argument there.
They can’t however show you too many unpaid members, because you would be discouraged at the poor response.
This is different than your former employer, Jdate, which was a niche and I am pretty sure anyone who was on there was indeed serious.
Unfortunately I found out the hard way that not all paid sites are actually fair in their promises. My experience with e-Harmony was that the site recycles old profiles to keep providing matches for you. The author is right that e-Harmony offers VERY little choice, so you can’t look through 40 profiles and choose which one you like. You are sent a group of “matches” on a daily basis that fit your algorithm. In my case, my specifications were likely too narrow because even with their super “scientific” algorithm, I kept getting profiles of guys who had long left the site and had listed on their profiles that they were no longer available, some stated they’d already found a relationship. I wondered why e-Harmony wasn’t auditing profiles better to prevent this, or at least dumping inactive profiles from the system. I deleted my photos before I left the site myself to prevent some poor guy from receiving my inactive profile as a match, I cancelled my paid membership, and no longer log-on to check messages. After bringing this to their attention, I had to call around the globe to get a refund of my remaining balance. Complete waste of time.
I beg to differ. I’m currently on match.com and although I’ll say that there are plenty of men on the site. About 1/2 are looking for women in their 20s and 30s, many are just looking for an ego boost and not willing to date in person.
the others are newly divorced Or separated and just getting back into dating so they don’t know how to date. They’re really good at flirting and emailing and liking but rarely does it turn into s real date. not to mention the fake profiles, lewd creeps and men who lied about their age or physical appearance. I got s few days off the site but many of them were duds who were just looking to get sex or get their feet wet after a divorce
online dating can be a way to get practice talking to men, but I wouldn’t say it’s the single place to do so. They say 1 in 5 relationships start in online dating but those aren’t good odds if you do the math. Men hide behind technology and and I’ve found that match is no better than any of the others. I’ve been on pof okcupid whistling black people meet, interracial singles and it’s all pretty much the same.
the best wat to meet quality men are through friends, places of worship , volunteering, and things where you meet in person. I find men are more invested in you if they don’t have the mindset of you bring easily dusmissed because he has a lot of profiles to go through and choose another one
Also yo match I do like the stir events but I’ve met more women as they hardly had enuf men attending. Also those that did attend just weren’t quality
Claire
I agree
Ive given online a good shot but going forward Im going to focus on the gym and meeting contacts in my new job.
Match isnt a good site for women over 50 because it is probably the site where there is most emphasis on age as a criteria . Although I generally get a lot of contact for a woman my age the quality of guys is generally poor for the amount of time I have to sort through all the mail and mindless texts .
The lack of accountability of late with these guys for very poor behavior seems to have escalated and Ive begun to find it threatening .
Evans advice has always been a huge asset in managing the online resource and maximizing my effectiveness so If you are going to do it Id recommend his book
Okay, Claire, so how many dates have you had in the past year that have resulted from “friends, places of worship , volunteering, and things where you meet in person”?
I’ve been dating for ~3 years since my divorce and the most discouraging thing for me is finding the same people over and over on the different dating sites. It’s almost like I’ve run out of new people to meet. I did have a relationship with someone I met through a mutual friend, and many first and second and third dates from online dating sites. Don’t forget that meetups are a great way (probably better than the dating sites) to meet people. I would definitely recommend getting involved with some of the meetup groups. And they are essentially free.
Claire knows what is up. If I were a cookie cutter girl, boring, dumb, 20, I would find tons of dudes on match. Its for boring people.
I’m 25 and I am not a cookie cutter girl, nor am I dumb thank you very much
Claire, I totally agree that online dating is not way to go for me. I have better luck meeting in person sometimes that is not so good but odds are way better than online. The best way meet meet quality men through friends and meet in person with interest and activities the same that is where I am headed.
You won’t find quality guys on POF. They just won’t stay around for long, a month, tops. I’m not going to amplify any further because I don’t have the time, just to say, POF doesn’t work. I used Match years ago, that was much better, but I’m not going to pay £40 a month, come on, I’m an intelligent guy & good looking too. I’m better off meeting people in the real world.
Most women on POF are low quality or looking for attention, some may be genuine?
If you’re a intelligent guy with goals, self-respect and standards forget POF. I’m not sure any driven successful guy would ever need online dating anyway. Do you think he’s going to compete with loads of other guys online for a woman’s attention, no he isn’t!
My husband meet the women he is now with on plenty of fish, she was cheating on her husband too. Needless to say I am going through a divorce. All I would say from what I know and have learned be careful of people on any of these sites they lie and cheat it’s a game to them. My husband was not even sorry that he destroyed 30 yrs of marriage and nor was she. The Internet makes it to easy to cheat and lie and hurt I would not wish this on any one and would say what ever you are told or promised they are strangers with the power to deceive beware x
I have to agree Online dating gives you more opportunities to meet than you might in your everyday life. I think it’s how it’s presented. Not everyone is going to get tons of emails and go out on a date every night. Some may but that was not my experience.
I followed your program Evan for online dating and your book. I was on match.com for 6 months. I averaged meeting one man a month. I had put myself out there more than ever, meaning contacting the men Online. I found many would not respond or it never got past a first email.
I did meet someone and we dated for about 10 weeks. In the mean time I let my subscription expire to Match. Since that relationship ended I feel a little burnt out and am taking a brake from the whole scene with the intention of jumping back in after the first of the year.
Thanks for all the advice it has given me hope.
Match is a good place to start, because it is so mainstream, everybody’s on it. But it won’t work for everybody. My 6 months subscription would have expired this coming weekend, except that I have already canceled it. I bought FTOO, filled out the worksheet, had a professional photo taken, did everything by the book. Got a good number of emails, dates etc. Met a few cool people that I still stay in touch with. However in general, for my age group and my location, the site did not work for me. Most people I met were not good matches for me intellectually. They freaked me out because there was nothing to talk about, and I freaked them out because I was foreign. I only met one guy in all my months on Match that I felt I could carry a conversation with, but it didn’t work out very well. I latched on to him because he was the first person with a brain I’d met on Match. Wasn’t sure about dating him, but at least wanted to stay in touch as I didn’t know whether there were any other available smart guys in my area. And he played me in a pretty bad way. The next day after he said to “just be friends”, I opened an account on OK Cupid. I’d actually heard about that site a few weeks before at a (embarrassing fact coming up) Mensa annual gathering. A guy I’d talked to, told me that OKC was known to work better than Match for “people like us”. It worked for me. I got less mail there than I had on Match, but it was 99% quality mail from people I had no problem getting a connection with. I had a great time on the site just chatting and getting to know people, made a ton of good friends, signed up for a book club, learned the proper running technique… and got off the site last week due to having met someone. Not sure how it’ll work out, but I guess I owe Evan a success story 🙂
My two problems with Match is, one, for a single parent, it’s too darn expensive. Two, you get so used to getting mail and going out with, well, down-to-earth average guys who aren’t interested in anything other than grilling, watching sports, and mowing the lawn, that a man with just a little above-average intelligence, who’s read a book in the past year, will sweep you off your feet by comparison.
I kid you not, BTW, mowing the lawn was a frequent date-conversation subject on Match.
Anyway if and when I go back online, I’ll probably start with OKC this time. I was on POF last year and cannot recommend it to anyone. I have two good friends that met there, but they’re an exception. I completely agree that online in general is the right way to go. Meetup.com works to an extent, but things can get pretty awkward. I spent many a hiking meetup walking at the front of the group at about 5 miles per hour, trying to get away from a 67 year old who wanted to date.
BTW I don’t recommend the professional photo, at least in my neck of woods it tends to get a weird reaction – people don’t know what to think of it, because no one else has one. One guy called it my “yearbook picture”. Eventually I set my profile photo to something else.
I saw no difference in quality/quantity between match and pof. Since pof is free I will be sticking with that. Did sign up with OKC don’t really care for it all those tests and the enemy/friend stuff mabye it’s for a younger crowd?
Of course your results may vary based on your age, where you live etc.
I would still prefer to meet someone in IRL of course.
I would second/third the recommendation for OKC. I’ve done Match, POF and OKC. POF is awful… the site is horrible, search functionality is horrible, and the quality of people is far lower than Match or OKC. I’ve met decent people on both Match and OKC, but far prefer the OKC site. It just has a more comfortable, welcoming, “hip” feel, it’s easy to use, NICE photo capabilities. The best part is that you know someone on the other end is getting your emails. Until Match decides to somehow indicate who is a paying member (i.e. can read/respond to email) or at least let you put that as a search criteria, it can be a huge waste of time.
Now that Match owns OKC, I hope they don’t screw it up.
It’s not in match.com’s best interest to let you know who is paying or not, since you are part of their marketing plan.
You send wonderful, heartfelt emails to non paying people on match, their only options are to either ignore you, or pull out their credit card and respond.
That’s all intentional. And a huge conflict of interest on the part of match.com.
I agree, OKC is the highest quality contacts, as long as you weed out the ones that don’t follow the rules. Those that don’t answer enough questions for the matching algorithm to work.
Eharmony won’t allow you to do that.
POF is much lower quality contacts, but lots more of them. If you consider lots of low quality contacts success. I sure don’t.
When I was OLD, I was on POF, OKC, and for a short time on OurTime.
POF had more “blue collar” folks, although there was one hot financier who contacted me. He was only interested in sex as he was freshly divorced. I sussed this out via text messages and we never met IRL. I also traded a few texts with a cute orthopedic surgeon. So if by “quality” you mean people with money or higher education, yes, POF seemed to have fewer of those folks on the men’s side, anyway. But it was still not one size fits all.
OKC seemed to have more educated folks. More folks who were doctors, lawyers…and more nutty people too. One 65 yo stalker-ish guy that I had to block, a world-traveling sales director who was quite crude. So OKC seemed to have a bigger cross-section of all kinds of folks.
That said, I believe that more of the men I was in contact with on POF were relationship-oriented and more of the OKC men were interested in casual sex. There were definitely hotter men on OKC but the hottest guy was actually on POF, but 2 hours away from me. I’m sure he had women sending him naked pix left and right, so I had no chance. Oh well.
I did some research on my competition on both sites and I’d say that the women trended the same way as men, generally speaking.
I didn’t mean that there are better people on one or the other, though that may well be.
By lower quality contacts on POF than on OKC, I mean the matching questions are good on OKC, and that you can read the other person’s answers results in better matching. So you have a chance at someone who is somewhat compatible, hopefully.
Some people on OKC don’t answer the questions, so they don’t get good matching. Just looking at the pictures.
That OKC matching isn’t perfect, I talked by phone with a person who was a 96% match, and we clashed. We’ll never meet.
On POF there is essentially no matching, most people are just looking at the pictures “Oh, she looks cute”. They have a couple of tests but they are like a black box. You don’t know what anything is based on.
On OKC, the matching is transparent. I like that.
So on either site you can get inquiries from those that just looked at the pictures, it’s like in past years, in a bar: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”.
You either buy into the science, or you don’t. It’s not perfect. But we can try, at least. When was the last time you met someone and discussed your stance on hundreds of subjects, before you decided to see them? And then, after that initial meet and greet you had to decide if you were going to see them again. At least with matching you get that part out of the way.
That all said, I can’t say what it’s like to be a woman on a dating site, I understand there are a lot of men sending messages indiscriminately.
Jules and Not Jerry are you men or women? I had issues with both mostly like I said in my post far too many emails to keep up with but the reason I ask is because as a woman on OKC I got a ton of really disgusting sexual emails. I got some on match but a lot more on OKC I imagine because it was free and was wondering if other women had the same experiences on OKC or just me. I want to say it was about the same if not worse than what you get on tinder because anyone can contact you. The things I was asked to do omg and trust me I am no prude and I was very clear that I was looking for a committed relationship and did not post sexy pics.
Lisa,
I am male.
I realize women get much more messages and it’s so interesting to me that men would send naked pictures of themselves to women. Women just are not wired to be allured by that, so anyone who would do that out of the blue is just naive as to the differences between men and women. Sorry you had to endure that.
Some fools think they should send the same message to 5,000 women and see if they get a response. That’s just stupid. They get hardly any from a generic message! Ridiculous.
On POF you can require a longer message, I don’t think that is available on OKC, at least for free.
The only thing I can say is just say right out, “Don’t send me any naked pictures.” It might slow it down a little.
You can sure judge these men by that, can’t you?
I was on both Match and POF. On Match I mostly found players – including a guy who hit me up for $$! I met a couple of local men on Match, they were okay, but no spark there.
On POF, I met several men – one was definitely a not nice guy, a true player, and a couple of others seemed that way as well. But I did meet the man I am still dating, seven months later, and am crazy about. He was about to give up, and then he met me. 🙂
Thanks to Evan’s advice, I learned quickly how to get rid of the losers – they are on every site, of course. But I believe there are winners on every site, too, you just have to find them.
Goldie is right on about everything. Been on them all and much prefer okcupid. Yes, it takes a while to answer 150+ questions but in the end you have some sort of decent compatibility (80%) is superb I think). Rather like eHarmony without the expense or interminable wait times.
The guy I steadily date now that I met there (80% match), well it turns out we are both ENFP (Myers Briggs_ 5% of pop.). How rare is that!
I don’t belong to Mensa but I too have trouble finding guys who are even vaguely intellectuals. I was married to one once, there are some in my family so I miss interacting with like-minded folks. That said, it’s hard! to find an an intellectual with heart (think Clinton or Jimmy Carter). Heart comes first in my book. I request it in a humble way on my profile. I think the way I worded it was “I have 20 yrs. schooling, I am what I am, & it would be nice if the guy could keep up with me culturally.” Not a strict requirement though. What shocks me is the paucity of college-educated guys….
Bill Clinton is an intellectual with “heart”??? Lol… If you aspire to meet a man like BC, you may try the sexual assault ward at your local prison or jail. There are sure to be many of similar character there. Google Juanita Broderick. Or, you could see if Bill Cosby is looking to mingle… In all seriousness, please be careful when dating, safety is always the most important consideration.
It’s ‘Juanita Broaddrick’
Better yet, Google up ‘Bill Cinton Rapes’
There were several allegations, going all the way back to his days at Oxford.
Evan is right- online dating is where it’s at. I met so many guys I never would have come across in real life, even in a small city. I met my fiance on POF, and had fun on OKCupid (until my ex kept coming up as a 95% compatible match, lol).
PoF worked well for me because I apparently have a finely tuned bs-meter. I was also in a happy, confident place where I just didn’t give the time of day to creeps and weirdos and rejection from anyone else was no big deal. With the right attitude and help from someone like Evan, I would think you could do well on just about any of the large sites, paid or free.
I’ve met some interesting men through OKCupid. It’s free for a basic account, which suits my budget right now. There are some weirdos on there, but just be careful.
Evan, I have to disagree on this match.com thing. Match.com is not really a good place to meet a quality single guy who is relationship minded. In last three years I have tried three different dating sites. I have done match.com for a year and have met some fun guys and had some great dates. I am in my early 30s and have met guys in their late 20s to early 40s and they all just seem to want to get laid. They may come off as wanting a relationship, but they are all scarred from an ex wife or ex girlfriend and are afraid of commitment. So I would promote match.com as a place to go for casual dating but I have to disagree that match.com is a place to find high quality single men who are
interested in a relationship. I can say with confidence that match.com is the online equivalent am the bar scene.
On-line dating: good. But match.com: Proceed with Caution.
Yeah.I also agree.I haven’t tried match.com but am leary of it maybe cause i’m looking for a christian site if i even did do the online thing again(didn’t really work or feel right.no one really wanted to get to know me esp the one’s that i had interests with only stupid desperate old men.And i was on a christian site don’t try chrisitancafe.com they have you do all the work. Also heard very bad things about christianmingle.com)If someone does do it they should try a good site that matches you and offers personality assessments like eharmony so you find someone who fits your personality and interest.But i think it’s safer and easier to meet others in public places.
I met my boy friend on okc.
what is amazing is that I live in Asia and he lives in the US.
after emailing EVERY SINGLE DAY for 3 whole months, he flew all the way over here to meet me in person.
that was 3 months ago.
now, we talk EVERY SINGLE DAY on skype web-cam.
and I will go fly all the way over to see him in the US in December.
(he paid for my flight)
I am in my 40’s and he is in his 50’s.
oh, and he is also of Asian-descent, like me.
so, please don’t give up!
I almost did, but I’m glad I did not.
I have also made many wonderful penpals on okc as well.
but they no longer have the journal function that made it so special.
I would also like to thank Evan for his advice.
my bf passed every single test of Evan’s 🙂
I’m so happy.
Thank you for sharing !! You made my day!
Love from a never-married woman in
Denmark. I am 65 years old.
Ps. I am in love with life and I am sure I will
find my loved-one in the time to come!
I am very happy for you two people!
Hi Bodil….
I live in the US, recently relocated from So Calif to a new city. I too am 65, widowed…Being busy but lonely I joined Match.com. I was shocked!! More activity than I could keep up with. It scared me a little, so I backed away. Needed to be clear about what in heck I was doing…But every man I met was interesting, fun, and courteous. so, don’t hesitate to try when you think you’re ready. I will, after digesting Evan’s advice 🙂
first , I just found this blog , LOVE it ! EMK , you are awesome!
going back to the post …I always met my boyfriends through other friends, in college, parties. I recently moved to a new state for my grad school, and thought the quickest way to meet new people is online, and oh boy ! Ive been on match.com for few weeks now , and it’s been crazy!!!Im sure most ladies would agree with me that it’s so overwhelming to answer to all the emails, but I actually met couple of very very nice men which I’m dating now and speaking of the quality, I’m not actively seeking a long term relationship now but if I was, few of these men would definitely be on top of my list ! I would say 90-95% are not my type, but the 5-10% that are , they are one the most eligible bachelors that Ive ever seen! my conclusion is that online dating is the best way to meet new people; satisfies both quality and quantity standards !
They are some really interesting statistics! I am finding an increasing number of friends and acquantainces meeting long-term partners online. I had never thought of the sucess rate compared to meeting someone at the office, but you’re right – if so many marriages are coming from so few people being online, these sites are very effective.
sometimes people marry the person they met online.but i’ve been hearing that some women don’t have real relationships or only get a few dates from the dating sites.so im not sure it can work.if you want a real committed relationship/marriage i don’t think online dating is the way to go
Met my guy on Plenty of Fish. I agree with Evan that compared to other sites, you may have a tougher time wading through those waters to find a quality catch of the day, but they are swimming in there.
🙂
@ Christina #9, LOL @ your ex story – I had to hide the guy on OKC that had dumped me on Match, because he kept coming up every day on my sidebar as my 90% match, 86% friend, and 4% enemy, go figure. As a friend of mine said, high compatibility as is a requirement, but not a guarantee, of you clicking with the other person. It’s good to know that you feel the same on a number of issues, but as our two examples show, you can still disagree on other things not covered by the questions.
It’s just so easy to get burned out. I’ve been trying to date more relationship oriented men. After two dates if I can’t bring myself to give em a peck on the lips I try to break contact. But damn if these guys don’t keep calling for months. I hate dumping people and honestly it just seems ridiculous that I have to explain to someone I’ve met twice why I don’t want to see them again. Maybe I should make a form letter.
Just wanted to say, if you have the right attitude on-line dating is the way to go. But you need to be very secure in yourself and ready to deal with a lot of rejection and lots of weirdos. And if you are a very nice person, it is kind of hard when the guy likes you and you don’t like him…but we are all adults, right?
My first time on match.com I had not been dating much and it was just too much, too overwhelming. I was not doing a very good job of screening, I was too nice to everyone, and the number of emails was just crazy. A year later, after a goofy relationship with a college boyfriend and just some casual dating, I decided to try match again. This time I did lie about my age (I had just turned 50 so I went with 49, ha ha!). I screened better and if I was not interested in someone I just didn’t respond. I went on 3-4 dates a week…I was on a mission! I met lots of decent men, this time around not one real jerk!
Then a guy contacted me who looked like a total player from his pictures. But I didn’t want to judge a book by it’s cover so agreed to meet him for happy hour. We had a very fun time but I still didn’t trust him. He was persistent though, so I invited him to coffee at my house…to help me move some big boxes!! Darn if he didn’t show up! I was still not sure, but went on date #3 because I read EMK’s blog and I knew to give the guy a good chance. On our third date, lighting struck for both of us! We have been dating for 3 months and we are exclusive. There is huge potential for an LTR with him.
I am 50, he is 52, and we just believed it could happen. People who are negative about their bad experiences with on-line dating (and we all have them) just bring that negativity to the next meeting. Be confident, be positive, and hope for the best. Since my match boyfriend, two of my girlfriends signed up and are seriously dating great potentials. On-line dating can rock if you want it to….just saying!
Goldie #4 – just a friendly comment…I consider myself a pretty smart person too (not genius smart but I qualify for mensa too) and not once in all my on-line dating did I meet someone I would not consider my intellectual equal. Some are obviously smarter than others, but I was way more concerned about who is a good person, fun, attractive, than what his IQ might be. I am not sure where you are setting your bar, but if you really are only looking for super smart men, maybe where the rest of the normal population hangs out (bars, on-line) isn’t a good option for you? Not one single guy I have ever met anywhere has talked about mowing his lawn. Now his Harley…that might be a different story, ha ha. But even the mid life crisis doctors are buying Harleys these days.
Possibly consider that you are using a man’s intellectual level as a deal breaker sort of like some women are using a man’s yearly income as a filter and they may be missing some really great options because of it. I care much less if the guy can dazzle me with his brilliance than if he can dazzle me with his passion, kindness, and positive energy. Good moves in the bedroom are way more important than math ability too…..:-)
I actually relate to what she said about wanting to meet very intelligent men. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I could not relate to the majority of men that I met – finally figured out that I’m basically a nerd/geek and feel most natural with other nerd/geeks. It’s not a ‘better’ or ‘worse’ thing – just we tend to be ‘wired’ a bit differently. More introverted (though we fake extroversion – sometimes quite well), more thought-focused, sometimes a bit more neurotic…… Tend to think about ideas more than things, can be a bit socially awkward. So- yes, I can relate. The last guy I met that I really liked was at a lecture on physics and the meaning of life at the NY Academy of Sciences….. So I tend to focus on those types of places… so, again – I do relate. And it’s not about being stuck up. Everybody has a type that they like – hey, some women love body-builders… Some like flashy men…. I like nerdy brainiacs. Sexy ones! 😛
Soul Sister — How can you tell by looking at pictures if a guy is a player? I hear women toss the term around all the time and a good percentage of women say “no players” on their profiles. What is the definition of a player? To me it is a guy who is on a mission for sex and he manipulates women to have sex with them. In my mind, a pickup artist is a player, a serial dater is just a guy who hasn’t found love yet. Thoughts???
You don’t know.Sometimes it’s even hard to tell when you meet somewhere traditional like at school or work.so how could you know from online?would be harder to trust someone you met that way.
Agreed. There is no better way and it is work.