I Compare Everyone to My Ex, But Nobody Gives Me The Same “Feeling.”

I Compare Everyone to My Ex, But Nobody Gives Me the Same "Feeling."

Evan,

Hoping you can give me some advice. I dated this girl for 2 years and we broke up last year.  We broke up because she realized that she was no longer “in love” with me and that she felt there wasn’t enough of a spark. Truth be told, there was another guy in the picture who she obviously had a bigger spark with. This wasn’t my first breakup but it hit me really hard because I was so in love with her. In my mind she was perfect in every way, (except for the part where she just wasn’t that into me). I’ve been dating on and off the past year and I have two main problems:

1. I’ve gone from being a serial monogamist to becoming completely commitment phobic. The minute a girl starts to get serious with me, I want to run away. 

2. I compare every girl to her and all I see is flaws in other people. I keep waiting to have that “feeling” I had with her, because I’m scared that without that feeling, I will not be able to commit.

I’m worried I’m never going to get over this. Any help is much appreciated.

Ken

I would be much more concerned with your second problem than your first.

Your first issue is that you’re commitment phobic. This is a common problem, one that is usually remedied by falling in love with someone. Once you’re crazy about a girl, you won’t have to think twice as to whether you want to be in a relationship with her. Which brings us back to your second problem:

I compare every girl to her and all I see are flaws in other people. I keep waiting to have that “feeling” I had with her, because I’m scared that without that feeling, I will not be able to commit.

Let’s take these assertions line by line.

I compare every girl to her and all I see are flaws in other people.

Yeah. This isn’t good. Because it’s not real. It’s a rose-colored view of your ex, one that you’re having a hard time letting go of. Do yourself a favor and think of the things that you didn’t like about your ex. Now, I understand that she broke up with you, so you never really developed a chance to hate her. But that doesn’t mean she’s perfect – not by a long shot. Her main flaw, of course, is that she didn’t want to marry you. And any woman who doesn’t want to marry you isn’t really a very good choice for a wife. There are probably many, many more flaws that you glossed over due to your passion for her.

Being “in love” does this to people. In fact, Helen Fisher theorizes in “Why We Love” that being “in love” may be an evolutionary function that causes irrational thinking. In other words, in order to commit to something as irrational as monogamy, we’d sure has hell BETTER be blinded by love. Of course, that blindness wears off, which is why, when you talk to older couples who have been married for 30+ years, they’ll almost always tell you some version of “It’s hard work/We’re really just best friends/We know how to communicate and argue well/We support each other when it’s tough.” Etc, etc….

A favorite cliché says, “It’s not that my partner is perfect, it’s that she’s perfect for me.” We are willing to overlook all sorts of things when we’re in love. This explains a phenomenon like battered wives, who stay because even though their husbands hit them, they always claim to love them as well. Personally, I’ve put up with women who were selfish, delusional, inconsistent, unemployed, mean-spirited, jealous, and bad in bed. Sometimes I did this because I was weak and needy and just wanted someone in my life. Other times I did this because I was so enamored that her bad qualities barely even registered. But the truth only came out after the smoke had long since cleared.

So stop giving your ex a free pass. Apart from dumping you, she undoubtedly had some other character flaws. In a relationship, it’s smart to minimize the focus on your partners’ flaws. But once you’re out, it’s time to realize that she wasn’t as great as she seemed. Holding onto her perfection is unhealthy, since no new dates can possibly live up.

I keep waiting to have that feeling.

That feeling is great, isn’t it? But don’t be fooled. It’s false clarity. You know how I know this?

Because you had that feeling and she dumped you.

And I had that feeling twice and they both dumped me, too.

And, looking back, if those women hadn’t dumped me – if I had GOTTEN these women who made me glow, I would be absolutely MISERABLE right now. Despite their amazing assets, they both lacked some fundamental qualities that my current girlfriend has: Loyalty, compassion, patience, gratitude, big boobs. You know, the important stuff.

Listen, Ken, there are a few people who put it all together. They meet, fall madly in love, and, even when the smoke clears, they’re left standing together as one. My cousin and his wife are college sweethearts who have been together over 25 years. Another cousin met his wife in junior high school. Hey, it happens. And because it happens, because we’ve experienced that intoxicating feeling, we continue to chase it, to our own detriment. In hoping to replicate the simple clarity of puppy love – we usually forget that it doesn’t stick beyond the first year or two.

In hoping to replicate the simple clarity of puppy love- we usually forget that it doesn’t stick beyond the first year or two.

For just about everybody, the rush, the ecstasy, the high…it eventually goes away. And what you’re left with is a friendship that needs to withstand failure and temptation, financial ruin and sickness. And if your amazing ex-girlfriend couldn’t stick with you before any of those awful things challenged you as a couple, why would you ever think that she’d be willing to stick it out afterwards?

I said it in “Why You’re Still Single”, I’ll say it again: you can hit on 20, but you’re most likely gonna bust.

And after a beautiful Christmas with my girlfriend’s family – generations of couples who have stayed together for years – I’m inclined to think that the ultimate reward is far greater than the evanescent feeling you’re chasing, Ken.

The real reward is in building a life.

 

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Jennifer

    Evan,
    Huge fan of yours but one thing: isn’t the feeling that Ken is chasing just as important as the friendship, faithfulness, compatibility and other qualities (like, big boobs :-))? Can’t he look for both? I think the thought that it has to be one or the other is what can sour people on relationships. I’ve also had the feeling, the relationship ultimately didn’t work out, so now i’m looking for the feeling plus other key, less glamorous qualities. It would break my heart to think I have to give up on the feeling completely.

  2. 2
    Steve


    Listen, Ken, there are a few people who put it all together. They meet, fall madly in love, and, even when the smoke clears, they’re left standing together as one. My cousin and his wife are college sweethearts who have been together over 25 years. And because it happens, because we’ve experienced that intoxicating feeling, we continue to chase it, to our own detriment. In hoping to replicate the simple clarity of puppy love we usually forget that it doesn’t stick beyond the first year or two.

    snip…

    For just about everybody, the rush, the ecstasy, the high it eventually goes away. And what you’re left with is a friendship that needs to withstand failure and temptation, financial ruin and sickness.

    Excellent points Evan.

    It is noticing that some people win the lottery then forgetting all about getting an education and building a career because you are waiting to win the lottery.

    One good thing that I have learned from the women in my life is to separate passion and issues that are practical to compatibility when evaluating a potential relationship.

  3. 3
    Ashleigh

    I love your writing, Evan, but I have to half agree with Jennifer and half with you. I would miss the rush, but I have taken a different approach. I have been on 3 great dates with a great guy. He is beginning to open up and show his feelings towards life and what he does. I don’t get that rush and we are taking it slow. I think I could get the rush later, but after we have built a solid foundation. I have fallen victim to the immediate rush only to feel it fizzle because I get bored and take off my rose-colored glasses. Now, I know that rush will come and because I have spent time building with this guy, it will last; perhaps not a lifetime, but who really knows.

  4. 4
    Victoria

    Ken:

    I agree with Ashleigh’s comments, but have to say that it works both ways. There is no telling when you will find that spark again. But the most sure way to find it is to keep going out there and meeting new people.

    There are many wonderful women whom you will meet in the future. Take the time to know them. You do not have to rush into anything. If you do not feel like committing, be honest and say “I recently got out of a bad relationship and would like to take it slow”. Become friends first and see what happens. Once you get to know other people well, you will discover that your love for whom you considered ‘the one’ is ephemeral.

    Good luck!

  5. 5
    A-L

    In terms of feeling that “rush” I’m more with Ashleigh. With most guys I’ve gone out with, if there’s good conversation on the first date, they’ll almost always get a second one from me, regardless of the physical pull. I’ve read enough articles about people feeling chemistry build after a few dates, and that not all people are their best on the first date, etc, to go on ahead and do this. And sometimes when I’ve had a really enjoyable time, but still feel no physical pull, I’ll go out several more times with the guy, hoping for it to build. But at a certain point, I’ll have to break it off because you do want to feel that rush when you’re in a romantic relationship. It’s what separates a boyfriend (or husband) from a close male friend. It wasn’t until my 3rd date with the guy I’m currently seeing that I felt somehting ignite (and no, it had nothing to do with physical things, especially not big boobs :)) but it was the great aspects of his character and personality that kept me around to the 3rd date, and well beyond.

    And for Ken, my advice would be to make a list of the qualities your ideal spouse would have. And then as you date women, come up with things that you like about them (yes, some lists will be longer than others). You may very well find that many women have qualities your ex did not possess that you want in your spouse, or qualities you didn’t even realized you desired. This will help to shed the image of your ex as a paragon of virtue, and will help you to start viewing your new dates as separate from your dating past. Also, while dating someone with potential compare your ideal list to the woman’s attributes. If she’s matching up in a lot of areas then you may want to give added time for that “feeling” to develop. Because don’t forget, you had two years to develop the feeling of closeness you had with your ex. No woman will be able to do the same in a few dates. Good luck, and keep trying!

  6. 6
    downtowngal

    “Your first issue is that you’re commitment phobic. This is a common problem, one that is usually remedied by falling in love with someone. Once you’re crazy about a girl, you won’t have to think twice as to whether you want to be in a relationship with her.”

    ….I dunno, it sounds as if once Ken feels this way he runs for the hills. And it sounds as if his two problems are one in the same. Evan in theory you’re right but I dated a guy once, we were really falling for each other but he pulled back after a couple of months; apparantly this was a pattern with him. And I’m not the only woman who’s experienced this. But that’s a whole different issue.

    The question for Ken, if a girl seems into you, are you also into her or do you run away regardless?

    It’s hard to forget that wonderful feeling – but Evan’s right, once this feeling comes about think of something negative about this person. It’s part of the ‘getting over’ process. And get out there, keep your mind open. You’ll get that feeling again, but take this as a learning experience about what you should be looking for in a girl.

  7. 7
    hunter

    A-L

    …yes, go on 3 dates, ’cause, it seems as if things heat up then….

  8. 8
    hunter

    …most dates take 3 dates to warm up….

  9. 9
    Ron

    Ken,

    You may want to try the emotional freedom technique. It has been reported that helps with a variety of issues. Just do a search for it on the Net if interested.

    I myself have your same problem. With me it’s a serial problem – I get infatuated with a particular woman, then I cannot get her out of my mind. And I think I’ll never find another one like her again.

    You’ll meet another woman and I’m guessing that once you meet that special person, you’ll suddenly compare her with your ex, and be amazed at how much better you new love seems to you. You will suddenly see flaws in your ex that you never saw before.

    Let’s consider fate for a moment. If the woman didn’t want you, she wasn’t right for you. End of story. You wouldn’t want to have a shotgun wedding where YOU’RE the one with the shotgun forcing her into it!

    If all else fails, call up your ex, ask her for a favor: have her come to your place, and fart in your face. I guarantee, you will suddenly see some flaws in her after that unless you’re congested.

    Good luck, man. Heartache is the worst pain the world, but it will pass.

  10. 10
    downtowngal

    Another thought – Ken, it sounds as if you don’t want to get close to women who are into you but you’ve had your heart broken by women who aren’t. Perhaps it could be that you’re pursuing women who aren’t right for you?

    Dating is trial and error. I remember meeting this one guy and we weren’t attracted to each other at first, but remained friends. Long story short, a year later when we ended up spending a day together we both realized each other’s good qualities and ended up falling in love, dating for 3 years. Granted we were young when we first met but had we each known what qualities were good for us we might have hooked up sooner.

  11. 11
    Paul

    With me it is sooooo much easier to remember to good times and positive attributes of my ex-wife than see the actuality of the real person inside. But when I look a little deeper, there are some things that really stand out now that I didn’t notice then, but I have to dig for them. That’s a human tendancy I think…to look at only the good things that once were…the traditions you forged together, the things she did that you DID like. In fact, she bored the HELL out of me! And she had some real character flaws like co-dependancy that I overlooked because I was “in love”. Those same flaws caused her to be living with a guy shortly after we seperated and eventually marry the guy. It’s been a year and a half since the divorce and I feel I am just now ready to go out and start being serious about building a life with someone…which is, as Evan put it so wisely…the real reward. I takes time to heal properly. The other thing is that love and attraction deepen the more you get to know someone…and it does take time. All of us seem to judge so fast as to weather we are attracted to another person and weather we think it’ll “work out” with that person we just met. You have to give people some time and spend time with them in different social settings, at different times of the day, in different situations ( and not just all positive either), so you’ll know how that person responds to different situations and circumstances. I think we all need a laundry list of 3-5 ‘must haves’…you’ll find that a person can really be attractive and have 20 things that you like, but if she doesn’t have those core things you need in a woman, then it’s not right for you. And don’t be afraid to turn down a woman if it’s not right…it’s very empowering…they get totally befuddled…it’s really quite cute! (sorry!)
    Paul

  12. 12
    sheseizereason

    For me, if I were in your shoes, Ken, I would simply conclude to myself… ” she didn’t think I’m as valuable as I think I am. Therefore, she’s not right for me.” No matter what her other wonderful qualities, the fact is she had that one fundamental flaw in her thinking that prevented her from seeing you the way you wanted her to. In a sense, she’s spilt milk that you shouldn’t cry over, so you might as well move on, right?

    But maybe that’s just the way I rationalize my own romantic disappointments. Works for me, but then again I’m very good at manipulating my reality, for better or worse.

    Here’s the thing: I don’t believe you’re ready to move on. Not truly. The fact that you haven’t let go of your idealized image of her suggests to me that you’re not over her and that you haven’t achieved closure to the relationship you shared. Given that you’re not done with the emotional turmoil surrounding your ex, I don’t think you’re ready to be dating.

    I think you should hold off on dates (in fairness to the women you’re presently emotionally unavailable to), and throw all that passion and angst into a new hobby. Seriously, there’s a lot of cool stuff out there in the world to try out. There must be something out there you’ve always been curious about. Set some new challenges for yourself and focus on those for awhile. Maybe take a class, take up a new sport, start a new business, or go some place different. (I bought my first house after a particularly bad breakup; talk about a challenge).

    Just make whatever activity you choose kind of scary and exciting. I guarantee you will be distracted from fond memories of your ex-girlfriend. Then, after you’ve made some headway into your new activity, reached a goal or two and experienced a bump in self esteem, that’s the time to re-evaluate your feelings about her. I think you’ll feel the strength and distance from your relationship to feel over it.

    The key to being over her is to have the clarity of mind to realize she wasn’t THE ONE for you. Dating other women at this time only seems to keep you from achieving that clarity.

    Best of luck to you!

  13. 13
    Selena

    I’ve had short lived relationships where I had “the feeling” and short lived relationships where I didn’t. The latter were always easier to get over. And in hindsight, those where the spark was intense off the bat, were with guys who really weren’t right for me, but I didn’t want to acknowledge that fact at the time.

    In my long term relationships, the feeling wasn’t intantaneous in the beginning, more that it grew the more I got to know the person. Yes, the ‘high’ wore off after a year or so, but the chemistry didn’t just die off. I can’t imagine staying in a relationship WITHOUT a certain degree of chemistry. I agree with A-L that the spark is what separates a romantic relationship from a friendship.

    If you build a life with someone with whom you don’t feel the spark for the sake of companionship, stability you might find yourself in quite a quandry if someone else comes along with whom you do spark. You may come to feel you’ve cheated yourself, and your partner as well by *settling* for something less.

    As far as fleeing commitment goes, what kind of commitment are you describing? Committing to be exclusive? Committing to see the person x times a week? Living together? Marriage? What is wrong with just dating for a few months and see what happens? I don’t get the idea that you have to look at anyone you date as a potential mate for life. What alot of pressure!

    I think commitment phobia should have a time frame. Less than a year? No. More than 3? Possibly. What is commitment phobic about breaking things off after a month or 3? In my experience, that’s the timeline when we’ve gotten to know each well enough to decide whether or not there’s anything there worth continuing to explore.

  14. 14
    Selena

    I think Ken’s 2 problems are really only one–he’s not over his ex yet. Both not having ‘feeling’ with someone, and running when they get serious are indicators of just not being ready to be in a new relationship.

    Is there any good reason to rush finding someone else? What’s wrong with taking time to be unattached and let nature take its course in healing?

  15. 15
    nysharon

    You just aren’t ready. Factors like your past love experiences and other attachment issues from your past, and also that it was her dumping you. There is no prescribed healing time. Take a break and she-tox, so to speak. You will run into one or more of the same woman a year later and it will be a whole n’ther ballgame.

  16. 16
    mrs. vee

    Count me in with the Selena and sheseizereason camp. Ken, I don’t think you should be attempting a new relationship until you are past your last one. And you’ll know you’re ready when you can start seeing your ex’s imperfections.

    As far as the “feeling” goes, I think there are just some people who get under your skin, making it harder to let go. But that feeling in and of itself is no measure of compatibility.

    Looking back, the men I felt most strongly for were the ones who made me feel like I was intensely “working” in some way. I admired them. I wanted to be better in some way to impress them. They had something to teach me. They had qualities I wanted for myself. These were men I placed on pedestals. By hanging out with them, I felt somehow “cooler” by association.

    Underlying my feelings for them, though, was this unconscious belief that I wasn’t good enough to be with them. And I think that belief (along with the sense they could drop me at any moment) made for the most exhiliarating feelings I’ve ever had as far as romance goes.

    Thank god I didn’t end up with one of them. Imagine trying to live ’til death do you part while trying to constantly earn the approval of your partner. It’s just not sustainable.

    My husband is someone whom I truly admire. He’s smart, fair, courageous and I still have butterflies for him just by looking at his face. He’s my best friend. But absent from our relationship is that edgy, caffeinated buzz that I associate with those other guys I had the “feeling” for.

    Like Selena and Evan said, when the smoke clears, you realize the ones who you burn hottest for are rarely the ones who are good for you in the long run.

    And judging from the fact that you still see your ex- as “perfect” even after she clearly preferred another man to you, I’m guessing you viewed her in I’m-not-worthy fashion quite a bit.

    My advice to you is to take some time off from the dating game.

  17. 17
    mrs. vee

    When people say the “feeling”, it usually means something very unique to each individual. What they really mean is by “feeling” could be any strong response ellicited by someone who pushes whatever an individual’s buttons are.

    So, for some people, the “feeling” is a good thing, if they value what’s good for them. For others, the “feeling” is self-destructive, particularly if it leads them to just keep returning to partners who make them feel crappy about themselves over and over again.

    By taking a good look at what triggers the “feeling”, one may realize that s/he responds strongly to some very unhealthy qualities in other people or qualities that bring out the worst in themselves. Once a person understands and can name what it is that makes him/her feel that rush, s/hemay be able to prune out those things that hold them back from finding happiness with a partner.

    I for one, would not be happily married today if I were still drawn to the same b.s. that got my attention in my early dating days. I recognized and reprogrammed my “buttons” to respond to aspects in people that nourished and fulfilled me. I feel kind of cheesy for putting it that way, but it’s worked well for me so far.

  18. 18
    downtowngal

    Selena asks how one defines committmentphobia.

    Definition of commitmentphobic is simple, it means someone who is afraid of committing to having a serious relationship or beyond. It has nothing to do with whether you’re right for each other or there are feelings involved. Or putting yourself on a time frame.

    If you want someone in your life you’ll be serious about it – you won’t waste your time falling for people who are emotionally unavailable or with whom you are truly compatable and on the same page. And you won’t date someone and then just bail for no reason and without a trace.

  19. 19
    Markus

    I can’t go through all the responses right now but I want to thank Ken and Evan VERY MUCH for bearing their souls to this extent.

    Ken, I’ve been in your position and have been comparing everyone I’ve met to a girl I dated a year ago.

    I just met someone I am crazy about. While what you’re feeling may not be healthy, looking for someone who has enough of “her” elements can be a positive. Most importantly, remember, if they’re not into you, they’re not worth it.

    “Dig.” Bootsie Collins

  20. 20
    Selena

    Downtown,
    Thanks for sharing your definition of commitmentphobic. I can’t say that I agree though, as I believe people don’t bail for no reason. And that reason might be not feeling right for each other, having feelings, not truly compatible with, or not being on the same page. Why would I WANT to commit myself to someone I was so clearly incompatible with? Huh?

    Gee, if someone is willing to commit despite all those things might they actually really have a fear of being alone? Because to me all those things are what really go into having a GOOD relationship, as opposed to having a relationship period, regardless of the emotional turmoil.

  21. 21
    Kat Wilder

    The really, really bad thing about comparing the person in front of you with the person who’s long gone is this: you are not being in the moment and experiencing the now.

    Your old lover is gone and you need to go through all the stages of “death” nger, grieving, etc. until you come to the place of acceptance. And then, you can live … in the present.

    You’ll never know if there’s a spark or not if you’re not fully present.

    Just my two cents …

  22. 22
    verbosity

    Let me see if I accurately summarize Ken’s facts….
    1. Loves Girl.
    2. Dates Girl for 2 years
    3. Girl leaves for another guy.

    One HUGE fact is whether girl met and/or cheated on Ken with the new dude. I am going to waaaay over-simplify things here. There is a reason she is an ex – she likely didn’t love you and sought other potential opportunities. Be glad it is over.

    Your problem is in the moving on…I respectfully suggest that you consider seeking some professional mental health help. (For those who thinks ‘shrinks’ are bad, think again). In fact, it is probably the best thing you can do. It may help you determine why you chose someone who did not love you, how to avoid it, and how to choose someone more suited to your needs and desires.

    the suggestion may sound like a cop out, but would you like to do some work now to prevent making the same mistake again for years?

  23. 23
    downtowngal

    Selena, I’m not sure I understand; you asked, “Why would I WANT to commit myself to someone I was so clearly incompatible with?”

    That’s how you feel but unfortunately many people don’t.

    Some people just have this fear of committing to relationships. I’ll bet if you asked most single women over 35 they’ll tell you about at least one guy they dated and fell for – the feeling was mutual but the guy cut it off when things were getting too serious – not because he doesn’t feel the same way, but because he ‘doesn’t want to end up like his parents’ or a myriad of reasons that have nothing to do with feelings for the other person.

    I know a guy in his 40′s who got engaged after 2 months to this woman he fell madly in love with only to break up a year later because he got cold feet.

    Ken, I commend you for your letter to Evan – lots of guys in your position would never question themselves this way. Good luck!

  24. 24
    Selena

    Downtown,
    I think I misunderstood your post. You wrote,”It has nothing to do with whether you’re right for each other or there are feelings involved.”
    “If you want someone in your life you’ll be serious about it – you won’t waste your time falling for people who are emotionally unavailable or with whom you are truly compatable and on the same page. ”

    I took that to mean you thought commitment itself was more important than those things. What?! I think those things are INTEGRAL to making a commitment (other than emotionally unavailable ofcourse). Am I right in thinking you are really saying, a commitmentphobe is someone who refuses to commit DESPITE having all those things in a relationship? That makes more sense.

  25. 25
    downtowngal

    “… commitmentphobe is someone who refuses to commit DESPITE having all those things in a relationship”

    Yes, Selena you are correct.

    Of course any relationship requires both people to feel the same way about each other. But some people say they want to meet that ‘special someone’ yet always find faults with every person they date. Or they only form emotional attachments to people who are emotionally unavailable (married, hung up on an ex, gay) and then complain they can’t find anyone – yet someone who’s available and shows some interest scares them.

  26. 26
    Jessica

    Just an aside to Markus based on a comment in your post here – Good for you, Markus. Glad you met someone you’re crazy about. All the best, Jess

  27. 27
    muzikjock

    People, please…..everyone knows that the dating game is crap at best. And the older I get, the less I like it. What works for me? A virtual social life. best of both worlds, a compromise. I get to meet people, have a good time, and when its over, go back to my life. Ive been married 3 times, and have had several monogamous relationships afterwards. Now my focus is on raising my boys and work. I choose not to date anymore because people out there are about nothing but game, and are at best dishonest. Look….you go to a club. The men are on one wall betting on who is going to get the best lay before the evening is up. the women are on the other wall betting on who they can swindle the most money out of without giving anything up. its a total joke. i hate it . and dont want to mess around with my life with it anymore. If there are no real people out there anymore, then so be it, I can handle that. I miss the intamacy, but more than missing the intamacy, I hate the being hurt and having my heart being carved out of my chest and served on a platter.Isn’t it amazing that honest good men always end up down this road. So I made my decision. Virtual social life. wake up, go to work, come home.,play on the pc; Meet new friends, then turn it off and go to bed. Nice life we have for ourselves. the alternative? get your life messed up with some manipulator who wants to control you and suck the life out of you before she spits out your bones and goes to the next victum. and then says “thanks for the meal, have a nice day”. Contrary to what you see in my writing here, I am a natural born romanticist. But im also a realist. and the wonderful woman who “stands by her man” and the house with the kids and the white picket fence went out with “leave it to beaver”. yes its nice to watch the reruns, but then you cant watch tv all day…it doesnt pay the bills. reality check people! chow!

  28. 28
    legal guy

    As soon as you conclude it’s “all a game” you close yourself off from finding happiness in a relationship. I’m sorry your three previous marriages didn’t pan out, muzikjock, but don’t disregard the healthy percentage of relationships that do. Obviously the only alternative to a virtual social life is not “get your life messed up with some manipulator who wants to control you “.

    Perhaps you’d do well to take verbosity’s advice to Ken: “I respectfully suggest that you consider seeking some professional mental health help. … In fact, it is probably the best thing you can do. It may help you determine why you chose someone who did not love you, how to avoid it, and how to choose someone more suited to your needs and desires.”

  29. 29
    muzikjock

    To legal guy:
    I respectfully agree to disagree with you. But that’s ok. I’ve been judged before. You’re not the last, or the first. Its easy to tell someone else what to do when you haven’t walked in their shoes. But ok. I get it. what ever. You know, I’m a slow decision maker. But once i do make a decision, i stick with it. No amount of persuasion will get me to change my mind about how i have viewed the matter. Tell you what, you do what works for you, and I’ll do what works for me…ok? agreed? And please keep your judgements to yourself. You have no clue who I am to recommend mental help. I didn’t write my post to ask anyone’s opinion or permission regarding dating or relationships. I simply added mine. The truth of the matter is that in most cases you don’t know you have been with an abuser or manipulator until you are already deep in the abyss. The ones that are good at it hide it until they know you are “caught”. Evidently you don’t know about this. After living and seeing the world through my eyes, the conclusion that i came to works for me. I never said it would work for everyone. But anyone that differs from your opinion needs professional help, right? In the end, i still choose no one. And i still prefer my social life to be on the other side of my computer screen. Its easier for me to spot the fakes. And easier to dispose of them if they cause problems. Ever try to get rid of a loser that has your real name, address and phone number? lol. I guess not. Legal guy, i have no bone to pick with you. I respect your opinion. And i hope that you continue to have success in your relationship. As for me, this works for me. Because finally i have a life that is livable. Its not perfect, and its not for everyone. But it works.

  30. 30
    downtowngal

    muzikjock it sounds as if you’re better off not being in a relationship.

    Most of us have been burned and lot of us out there are not manipulators or golddiggers. Dating isn’t the easiest thing but you have to be in a certain state of mind on order to do it and succeed.

    If that doesn’t work for you than all the best.

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