You Deserve A Partner Who Loves You Unconditionally!

Have you ever felt stronger about someone than he felt about you?

Have you ever been in a relationship where you were always worried about being dumped?

Have you ever longed for someone’s affections, only to be told some version of:

“It’s not you, it’s me.”
“I’m just not feeling it.”
“Let’s just be friends.”
“I think the timing is wrong.”
“We don’t have the right chemistry.”

If you’ve finished elementary school, you probably have!

If you have ever been on the wrong end of an unequal relationship, you know how terrible it feels.

Which means you’ve also spent sleepless nights beating yourself up, wondering what you could have done differently, asking friends how you could have turned things around.

If you have ever been on the wrong end of an unequal relationship, you know how terrible it feels.

Emotions flood over you that you’re embarrassed to admit. Feelings of worthlessness, neediness, confusion.

All because you gave your heart to a guy who didn’t give his back to you.

These are some of the most painful memories from romantic relationships, and, because of them, you may feel that it’s not worth it to date anymore.

Well, if every relationship ends in the same painful fashion, that would make sense.

But there are happy, healthy relationships out there. And the only way for you to find one is to get back out there by breaking your pattern of accepting unacceptable men.

A perfect example is a private dating coaching client of mine named Judy.

Judy is in her early 50’s, divorced, and quite successful.

She confessed that she wasn’t having much success online and told me about how she’s looking for a suitable partner. Someone youthful and passionate; someone who she’d feel excited about seeing every day for the rest of her life.

She signed up to work with me for three months. In that short time, she became an online dating superstar.

Her response rate skyrocketed when she learned to communicate online more effectively.

She graduated my Commitment Course as a stellar and appreciative student, and vowed to keep in touch.

Four months later, I got an email from Judy with an update.

It turned out that Judy was very effective online and had lots of dating choices. But after a few months of dating, she focused her energies on an exciting single dad. Ron may have been divorced with two teenagers, but, at age 52, he was still vibrant and sexy.

Judy hadn’t known this passion for years.

“Best sex of my life,” she told me with a little embarrassment and pride. Hey, who can blame her for developing a close bond with an attractive stallion of a man?

But there was trouble in paradise.

“Best sex of my life,” she told me with a little embarrassment and pride.

Judy’s mom had recently passed away and it threw her into a funk. It doesn’t matter how old you are; a parent is irreplaceable. The loss takes a long time to heal.

And ever since she was in mourning, she felt Ron pulling away. They were, after three months, a couple, yet he wasn’t giving Judy the security of being her official “boyfriend”.

Other emotional needs weren’t been met either.

Judy wanted Ron to drive down and spend the night to comfort her. He finally did it, but only after a considerable amount of negotiation.

Judy wanted to see Ron the following weekend to cheer her up; he couldn’t make time, even though he was able to make time every weekend prior to her mother’s death.

Suddenly, their torrid affair was grinding to a halt. Instead of treating Judy with unconditional love in her weakened condition; Ron treated her like a weak woman.

Needless to say, Judy was walking on eggshells, afraid that Ron would cut her off entirely. She even told me she was more upset about her relationship than she was about her own mother!

Her relationship was wreaking havoc on her life and all she wanted to do was figure out how to get Ron back. That’s why she was calling me for more coaching.

Now it may seem really obvious from the outside what Judy should have done, but when you’re too close to the problem, it’s much harder to take action.

I told Judy that Ron was doing her a huge FAVOR.

“A favor?” she asked. “He’s turning my life upside down. I can’t eat or sleep or think straight until I can get him back.”

Why do you want to get him back? I asked.

“Because I think I love him. I love the way he makes me feel.”

How is he making you feel right now?

“Not very good, obviously. But he’s not doing it on purpose.”

What does it matter? He’s your boyfriend. How do boyfriends generally try to make their girlfriends feel?

“I know, I know. I just don’t understand how he can be this way.”

Who cares?

“What?”

Who cares why he’s this way?

Don’t you think you deserve a partner who treats you the way you deserve to be treated?

Don’t you think you deserve a little warmth and affection?

Don’t you think that the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with will do ANYTHING in his power to take your pain away, rather than make it worse?

“I never thought of it that way”, Judy said.

Why go the rest of your life getting less than you give?

Of course not. You’re crazy about him. And when you’re crazy about someone, it’s easy to willfully blind yourself to his faults.

But when you tally up what you’re giving to the relationship, compared to what you’re getting from the relationship, it’s not even in the same ballpark.

Relationships are about unconditional love, and what he’s showing you is that his affection is ENTIRELY conditional.

Once you weren’t Ms. Sunshine, he had no use for you anymore.

A woman shouldn’t have to beg her boyfriend to see her after she learns her mother has died…

“I know. I just felt like he needed space. I felt like I’d done something wrong…”

It doesn’t take any character to stick with a happy person through good times; it’s when life presents a challenge that you figure out who your friends are.

I appreciate that you’re dazzled by this man, but I need you to recognize that Ron’s not as great as you make him out to be. He’s showing some major character flaws.

“So how do I get him back?”

You don’t get him back, Judy. You thank him for three good months and let him go.

This is why I said he’s doing you a favor.

Some people don’t learn what kind of partner they have until five years into a marriage.

You learned in three months that you’ve got someone who is unfit to give you the unconditional love you deserve.

And so, I encourage you ask yourself how this story applies to you. If you’ve dated at all, you’ve had some version of this experience, with a man pulling away suddenly, and you wondering “Why?”

The fact is: there’s someone in your history whom you thought was perfect, and didn’t give you the love you deserved. Think back to that tortured relationship.

Did you act like Judy?

Did you beg that man back?

Did you agonize about what you could have done differently? Or did you realize that you were being given a gift – an insight – a revelation about the future of your relationship?

A future in which you’re never comfortable, you’re never secure, and you’re never fully happy because it’s impossible to know where you stand.

When you realize that you’re not getting what you’re giving, it’s time to give that relationship a cold, hard evaluation.

Sometimes the people you love the most actually give you the least.

Why go the rest of your life getting less than you give?

You deserve more than that. You deserve it all.

33
5

Join 5 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (69 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 1
    Samantha

    Ouch, Judy! You totally deserve more. Seriously, what an ass.

  2. 2
    MadHatter

    Judy,
    You absolutely deserve someone who will be by your side in times of trouble and need. A man that pulls away during a tragedy such as a death of a parent is in no way a good man or boyfriend. If you took him back, he would be out the door soon again anyway, because life keeps happening, and sometimes it’s bad stuff!
    REAL MEN with REAL INTEGRITY do not treat ladies like this. I hope you can see that you deserve SOOO much more!
     
     

  3. 3
    BloggyDaddy

    Indeed, it hurts like crazy when you find out someone you love won’t stand behind you when you need them, but Evan is totally right.  Why accept less than you are worth when you need it the most.
    When the hard times come, that’s when you find out what you and those you love are made of.  Be glad you found out early.
    Great post!

  4. 4
    Eljem

    Great post. Thank you Evan.

  5. 5
    Sheba Wheeler

    Lovely, Evan. Just lovely, and so needed right now. Thank you for putting me back on the right track.

  6. 6
    Carrie

    This is a great post.  Makes complete sense…outside of the relationship.  On the inside it “feels” different.  I know what she is going through, because I have gone through a similiar situation.  I too want(ed) my ex-husband back but when you look at it that way, well….now I question it.  Every now and then everyone needs a wack upside the head! Wack away Evan!
    Carrie

  7. 7
    Margo

    Evan is great! Six months ago, I was led on by a man that said I was everything he wanted and that our relationship was from “God”. Then he began to show his true character which was jealous, controlling, inconsiderate and extremely selfish. I could have been stuck with this otherwise good-looking, fairly sucessful man. However, things blew up when I refused to accept his behavior. His ex left him for the very same behavior he was exhibiting with me (some men never learn).

    It hurt my pride when he told me we “had no future” because  of the continual arguing, but he was right. That arguing was indicative of the fact that he wasn’t going to change. I could not/would not accept his behavior.  Had I married him, I would have been miserable trying to get him to be less selfish and more considerate. Unfortunately, that is WHO he is.

    Now I am dating men who are just as handsome, and have totally different personalities in that they are very giving and not judgemental. I am much more happy and peaceful with these type of men.

    Evan is right ladies: if you don’t get unconditional love from a guy, you need to leave.

    1. 7.1
      Calm

      @Margo
       
       I was in the same situation. I was everthing he wanted in a relationship and our relationship was from God.
        The first time we had our first little fight about me having problem with burping after eating or drinking.  He complained how it disturbed him and that led to our separation. He kept writing me after then and telling me how he is hurting, bla, bla, bla. I was glad he left and i NEVER looked back! 
      PS: My burping has stopped.
       
       

      1. 7.1.1
        BurpAllYouWant

        No! Don’t stop!!! Embrace it! 

  8. 8
    Foolingmyself

    Judy is lucky she had Evan to set her strait, so early on. I have just figured this out, after 5 years vested in a LDR. Like Judy, I made exuses in my head for his bad actions/or lack of actions. I could always justify what he was or wasn’t doing, because of how I felt about HIM. Not how he felt about me. My actions backed up my love for him, and in the process, I allowed my love to override his not being there for me. I believe he loved, to the best of HIS ability, but it was never enough for me. And it made me crazy; always questioning how he really felt, what he really meant, if he REALLY did even love me. That’s not a relationship!  Without security, love, trust and respect, its a one sided relationship. Run Judy run!  You deserve so much better-we all do!

  9. 9
    Christina

    Awesome post! Judy was lucky in two ways. First of all, she had a situation early on that tested the relationship. Wouldn’t it have been awful if she’d married the guy (or even invested a lot more time) and THEN found out he’s a jerk? Secondly, she had someone to turn to for some common-sense advice.
    It’s so hard to be on the inside of that situation and have any perspective.When it happened to me, I was lucky too. The guy who was being an ass actually pointed it out to me himself. He actually broke up with me because I was putting up with too much crap from him and thought I should push back. Weird, but it was a good lesson.
     

  10. 10
    Gina

    You’re the man, Evan! You ARE the man! Your insightful advice has helped me more than you’ll ever know. I am an only child, so reading your blog is like having a brother that I can go to for help regarding dating and relationships, in order to get the male perspective, because a man understands how a man thinks. For that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

    XO

  11. 11
    Tish

    I LOVE YOU EVAN!!!!!  I am so greatful to have found your work.  You have helped me so, so, so much, words cannot express my absolute appreciation for what you do.  And THANK YOU so much for alerting us to the Soulmate Summit.  I upgraded to the Gold Pass so the I could listen to the calls whenever I want to.  I thank God for people like you and Claire and Arielle and all the speakers who were so kind to provide their insight FOR FREE!!!!  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

    Oh yeah, I just got out of a situation just like Judy’s.  Only difference was, I never changed.  He actually suffered a loss and bailed on me exactly the way Ron did Judy.  If I had not had the priviledge and honor to listen in on the Summit and read your blogs and oh, yeah, read your book “Why He Disappeared”, I would be a WRECK right now.  don’t get me wrong, it was pretty tough for me, but there would have been a time when I would have read Judy’s story and sobbed my eyes out, but today I read it, I identified with it and feel so much satisfaction in knowing that it wasn’t anything I did wrong and I do deserve from a relationship EXACTLY what I’m putting into it.  Thank you Evan, so much!

  12. 12
    Angie

    I mostly agree with this post, but I also feel like early tragedies are going to throw any new relationship off balance.

    Three months in is a hard point to determine whether you “love” another person or not.  I remember a course in anthropology said a year is the amount of time needed in a study because you see things through all seasons – I could say the same is true of a relationship.  They usually say people are in the new blissful phase for about 6 months (agreed), but at three months it isn’t hard to see a person withdraw or bail.  Especially a 52-year-old man with children.

    When I was 21, I began dating a guy whose brother killed himself a month into us dating.  I, of course, stepped up as the strong one because my compassion for the situation and sympathy confused whether or not I “loved” the guy.  And this isn’t because I’m female – I have a female friend who lost a brother, and her new boyfriend stepped up and was a man and very supportive.

    Both of us agree in reflection, neither of these relationships came from a passion or appreciation for our partners.  They stemmed from compassion, and were moving towards co-dependent.

    So, I think the opposite can still be true.  Because someone withdraws at an early tragedy doesn’t mean they “don’t love you unconditionally”.  It might just mean they haven’t had enough time with you to want to be your rock.  Mourning can go on for years.  And just because someone steps up to bat, doesn’t mean they are a good match for you.  It might just mean they are big-hearted in general.

    I think this is just an unfortunate circumstance.  My sympathies, Judy!

  13. 13
    juniper

    I think the point Angie (12) is making is pretty interesting and something to keep in mind as well.  I was on the receiving end of what she was describing.  One month or so into a dating situation I injured myself badly and had to have surgery in a new town I moved to, with not many friends or family around.  The guy I was dating, whom I liked a lot, totally took care of me during the process and supported me.  I, stupidly, thought that this indicated that he was into me (as much as I was into him) and I guess, started to expect that he will act more like my boyfriend – which was not true – when I got on my feet he pulled back, distanced himself from me…which was very painful as I found that hard to believe and accept after the previous experience.  I still see him, but I dont know where I stand with him, and I have hard time letting go, because not only I am into him for bunch of reasons, but I also know he is a great guy.  And yes, I give myself hard time and spend lots of hours thinking what I did do wrong…
     

  14. 14
    starthrower68

    Angie, I must respectfully disagree.  It may very well have not been love 3 months in to Judy’s relationship, but there is decent behavior and lousy behavior and Judy’s guy displayed lousy behavior.  You don’t have to be in love with someone to be supportive and caring.  If a friend treated you the way Judy’s BF treated her, would you accept that?  Probably not.  But we’ll often accept things from people we’re dating that we wouldn’t accept from friends or family because we don’t want to “rock the boat” and risk loosing him or her.  I think Judy got a pretty good glimpse of what she could expect from this guy and it is highly likely that if this situation had not driven him away, something else would have and probably sooner rather than later.

  15. 15
    Diana

    Since the man is revealing to Judy through his actions that he wants to leave their relationship, and is essentially doing just that, she needs to stand strong and let him go. Easier said than done. Believe me, I know. I wouldn’t feel a need to label him. It’s disappointing, yes, but their relationship was brief. Real, mature love takes time. Chasing after him will only make her look worse to him and to herself. She has to love herself more than she thinks she loves him.

    But in my most humble opinion, I do not believe in unconditional love in the sense of “attached” love. All loving relationships are based on conditions. Not conditions as in, for example, “I’ll love you only as long as you can take care of me.” It’s about the conditions upon which the love was created, like a person’s personality or the way they treat you or make you feel. The idea of unconditional love can be tested. If the main idea is that I will love and stand by you no matter what, then what if one of you has an affair, becomes abusive, drains the family’s finances into ruin, etc.?

    To me, loving unconditionally means to be free of ego, attachment and expectation, and to share this love equally between ones self and all human beings.

  16. 16
    starthrower68

    @ Diana,

    I agree with you to a point.  No, we don’t put up with bad behavior from someone.  But that is not a condition.  That’s not putting up with someone’s bad behavior and no one in their right mind would argue that anyone should do that.  Unconditional love is also not imposing on someone’s freedom not to choose you.  Unconditional love, in the broadest sense of the term, means you forgive someone for their bad behavior toward you and don’t in turn behave badly toward or seek revenge upon the other person.  Seeing if a person treats you well is not the same as making them “earn” your love.  We all ought to at least respect ourselves enough to want to be treated well in return.  But there are people that no matter how much we do to try to make them desire us, they will not.  You would still treat that person well even if you get nothing in return.  That is unconditional love.  It does not mean you can stay in relationship with him or her. 

  17. 17
    Jules

    When I was online dating, one of the red flags I looked for in a man’s profile was any version of the phrase, “No drama!”  And for some reason, it was always written with an exclamation point.

    The reality is that EVERYONE has drama in their lives, in one form or another, and a man telling me right from the start that he won’t be there for me if some sort of crisis happens is not someone I’m remotely interested in.

    And seriously, do the men who write that think that phrase is attractive and helpful?  From my experience, it usually means the man’s life is full of drama, usually a bitter divorce that they are not yet over.

  18. 18
    Ruby

    Jules #17

    Interesting, I interpret “no drama” as meaning “not crazy”. I’ve never thought that it means not wanting someone who never has anything bad happen to them. 

  19. 19
    Lin

    Jules (17), I could not agree with you more! The last guy that I dated always talked about girls in the past that were ‘drama.’ I view myself as fairly drama free in comparison to most individuals, so this was not disconcerting to me at the beginning of the relationship. As things began to progress, I began to see that in his eyes, trying to have a normal, adult conversation about the relationship was ‘dramatic and ‘pushed him away.’

    Moving forward, I have been taking a serious look at individuals who dwell on past ‘drama’ as well as those who seem to find the same flaw in every past relationship. Maybe it is you, and not the girls that you dated.

  20. 20
    Ames

    I totally agree with Evan, however…I just don’t think men love me that way. In 12 years of dating there was only one man who loved me unconditionally but he would disappear and get distracted. I could have done anything and he would beg to stay with me & said that he never thought I’d break it off. He said he thought “(I)  would always be around if he didn’t have time for me since I was such a cool easy going girl.” It seems women are the ones who really feel attachment. Tweleve years without having one consistent loving relationship is a terrible track record. I’ll always love men but I’m tired.

  21. 21
    Once Poetic

    I have found myself involved with a few drama men in my life, all ending badly, but I think the last one just topped the cake. I have even confused myself along the way of what is normal and acceptable in a rship by being so charmed and manipulated by them, how i got myself to this point is beside me. I have so much heart to give, and feel I dont want to give it anymore. This last one tied me in emotionally, mentally and financially, I came out with nothing in the end by an unbelievale good con artist, I feel nothing but tramatised and empty, how do you love or trust again?
    maybe one day ill be optimistic once more, if there is ever a blue sky that comes my way. But I hope I pay more attention to the red flags that I so blindly ignored previously. As for having children, my biological clock is ticking, I think I have missed the boat, I dont believe I will love again for a long time, and have never known any kind of love other than drama.

    How much I have always wanted to be unconditionally loved.

    thank you for your wonderful blog posts.

  22. 22
    Snazzy

    Evan said “Did you agonize about what you could have done differently? Or did you realize that you were being given a gift – an insight – a revelation about the future of your relationship?”

    Thanks to Evan’s blogs and Why he Disappeared I finally got it. I used to agonize over what I said, what I did, what more could I have done? what is SO wonderful for me now is I don’t even really wonder “what happened”. I just know it wasn’t right and I’m getting closer to the one that is right!

    We women can waste too much time on the why, what when we should be moving forward. As Evan always says, if a man is into us we know it- we don’t have to wonder- and if HJNTIY move on!

  23. 23
    SR

    Thanks Evan!  I really needed this today.  You do not know how much I needed this.  

  24. 24
    Diana

    Hey Starthrower ~ I understand what you have shared. In a romantic relationship, we fall in love with someone based on how they make us feel, and that is a condition because of all the underlying conditions connected to why we feel as we do about them. If bad behavior is not a condition, then one has to agree that neither is good behavior, yet it’s good behavior that plays a part in who we fall in love with (unless we are emotionally unhealthy).
     
    To be honest, when I read Evan’s explanation for how the man treated her, I didn’t think that love of any kind had anything to do with it. While the feeling of love (which, IMHO, isn’t real that early on) may have been there for Judy, it’s very possible that love hadn’t even crossed the man’s heart or mind. I think the man revealed that he had a major character flaw by not demonstrating to Judy compassion and sensitivity to her situation. Unfortunately, I think the timing of their relationship was teetering between fanciful and something more serious and at that stage, a major life’s blow can be difficult to successfully navigate.
     
    If he felt that he couldn’t, or didn’t want to, emotionally deal with her mother’s passing, including how this would likely impact their time together, then he should have shared this with her. But realistically, how could he do that? What would those words have sounded like? Would he have felt like he was burdening her even more, or weak for not being the pillar of strength he either wanted to see himself as or thought she needed? A lot of people would rather try to fade away than be open and honest.
     
    And I agree with you. Yes ~ if you truly love someone, you should set them free. Judy should do the same.

  25. 25
    Ruby

    Some men will use any excuse to get out of a relationship once the reality of being in an actual relationship sets in. Needing her partner’s support isn’t what caused Judy’s breakup. The breakup was caused by his inability to be there for her when she needed him most. The true test of any relationship is how both parties handle problems and crisis. Ron’s behavior proved that he couldn’t go the distance.

    As far as men with ex drama goes, I’ve found that the men who tell me that their long-term ex or ex’s were “crazy”, aren’t the most emotionally balanced types themselves. Sane people don’t want to be with crazies. Unstable people are the ones who are drawn to drama.

  26. 26
    Margo

    If a man can take you or leave you, leave HIM.

    @Ruby, some men will create drama to make YOU call the rship off. It’s one strategy in their playbook. Another strategy they use to end it is to pull away, and when the woman questions it, the excuse is some version of they’re”really busy”. These are basics in their playbook.

    Of course, it’s crappy behavior. These are the men who are not mature enough to have an adult conversation and tell you it’s not working for them. I hope neither of my sons grow up to use this BS on women.

    If you are with a guy that pulls this stuff, you can know for a fact you are well rid of him.

  27. 27
    loveiseverywhere

    Thanks for your input on the rori raye blog. I really appreciate your perspective and your bravery. It’s a tough forum sometimes!

  28. 28
    Anne

    There are so many apologies and so few decisions. I believe love is based upon decisions first, not on passion. Passion must be but decisons to be faithful keep it alive.

  29. 29
    Selena

    The 3 month mark is often the defining point: is it love? Or infatuation wearing off? Apparently the latter here. Always a disappointment if you are the one for whom it hasn’t worn off (Judy).

    I don’t believe in “unconditional” love. LIFE sets up conditions as it goes on – one doesn’t know how they will handle situations until they are presented. This guy may lack integrity, but I think it’s also possible he would have started pulling back even if Judy’s mother hadn’t passed.  I get the impression Judy was more infatuated than he was. Timing…sometimes coincides with other events.

  30. 30
    Mary

    This post was perfect for me–my (ex) boyfriend of 2.5 years and I ended things 1 month ago. He had the ring, he told his parents, he just was “hesitating” and couldn’t go through with it. It’s been a terrible, terrible month, but better now than never.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>