Taking Down Your Profile

Ive been seeing this girl I met online for about two months. Things are going well and I want to be her boyfriend, but I still notice her logging into the dating site where we met. How can I get her to take her profile down without seeming too pushy?

Jason

Great question, Jason – one that affects everyone who dates online. The thing to realize is that you can’t change anyone else’s behavior. She’s gonna do what she wants to do, same as you are.

The best way to see this clearer is to flip the situation over. If some girl is into you, but you’re not into her, you’re gonna keep browsing online. Doesn’t mean you don’t want to see her, just means you’re looking to trade up. She’s Miss Right Now, not Ms. Right. However, if she refuses to be Miss Right Now and makes it clear that she’ll accept nothing less than a commitment, that’s okay. You’ll wish her the best of luck in her search and you’ll both move on to greener pastures. You have different needs, different goals, different perceptions – no reason for anyone to get hurt.

You’re the girl in this situation. And if you’re unsure of where you stand, the best solution is to bring this to the surface in a confident way. How do you do that?

Take down your profile. Unilaterally.

She’ll notice. She may even say something.

If she does, just let her know that you don’t want to see anyone else. She’ll either think that’s sweet and offer to remove her profile, or she’ll remind you that you’re just “seeing each other” and that she’s not ready to be exclusive. Either way, you have your answer.

The reason her profile is still up is basically one of the below:

1) She’s playing it cool and trying not to act needy. She’s waiting for you to make a commitment to be a boyfriend.

2) She’s just not that into you.

I did this three years ago and it worked perfectly. Was dating two women casually. Met a third and was blown away. I dumped the first two and instantly took down my profile for #3. When #3 saw my profile was down, she asked me why. I told her, matter-of-factly that she was why. What’s the point of me looking for other people when I was into her? Of course, such an admission can be a little intimidating for someone you’ve known for a week.

Which is why I reassured her that she didn’t have to remove her profile. Removing my profile is what I wanted to do. And if she wanted to go out with twenty other JDate guys before taking her profile down, she could. As far as I was concerned, going on a bunch of dates would only reinforce why she should be exclusive with me. Yes, a little ego goes a long way.

Now if you take down your profile and she doesn’t say anything, you might want to step up your efforts to see her more. There are two possible scenarios: 1) she reciprocates in kind, and you become her boyfriend, and 2) she backs away, and you move on. No need to have an uncomfortable “Why is your profile up after two months?” conversation. Actions speak louder than words.

To sum up, the reason her profile is still up is basically one of the below:

1) She’s playing it cool and trying not to act needy. She’s waiting for you to make a commitment to be a boyfriend.

2) She’s just not that into you.

The latter is the more likely scenario. But you never know until you take action.

The good thing is that there’s no downside to pushing things forward. Better to get an answer now than to wait another two months to find out where you stand.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Anonymous

    Currently, this female happens to be seeing someone and in the exact same position. And, truth be told, I am not sure if we are both checking on each other and prolonging the chase or not. I am an old-fashioned, of sorts, and believe that any man should take the lead- right or wrong this is where my beliefs lie. And since the gentleman I am dating has not mentioned it, I do not want to limit my options for fear that he is dating many different people. Rest assured, though, in my case as long as I see his active I will continue to be active. My suggestion would be for you to let her know where your head is at. Too, I have many friends who will follow in my same footsteps and wait for the man to take the lead. So, I do happen to have a differing opinion and do not believe that most times “she’s just not that into you”, I actually believe it is just the opposite- I think for many who are new to online dating- and this might be her, as well- she has insecurities about exposing her feelings for fear of anticipating too much too soon in this very complex world of dating. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you!

  2. 2
    Loverville

    Can’t it be as simple as this: at some point you have “the talk”: Are we dating other people? Do we want to be exclusive, complete with “boyfriend / girlfriend” label?

    If you decide to be exclusive, then you later notice that she’s still logging in — it’s worthwhile to address that.

  3. 3
    Dating Trooper - Dating is Warfare

    I’m with loverville. Maybe I oversimplify but if we haven’t had “the talk,” there is no promise of exclusivity. Of course, many of us can’t handle dating a few people at a time without going crazy, so if you end up exclusive with someone “by default,” it doesn’t mean they’re exclusive with you until it’s discussed. Plus, the girl damn well knows you can see when she’s logging on to the dating site so maybe she’s doing to to PROVOKE the conversation? Just a thought….

  4. 4
    J

    My apologies – good grammar and correct typing has been somewhat lacking in my posts.

  5. 5
    Michael Ejercito

    If he is not yet her boyfriend, then she is still available.

    Profiles can be set to “hidden” on most sites like Match.Com.

  6. 6
    luv3pugs

    Okay, so my “boyfriend” and I have been dating for two months and he says he’s exclusive, but still has his profile up?

  7. 7
    Joe

    Do you still have yours up?

    1. 7.1
      jacky

      by the sound of it he does

  8. 8
    luv3pugs

    No. I took my off as soon as we slept together. He says he has the right to look.

  9. 9
    luv3pugs

    Since I posted this question, I went to the web site I found him on and put mine on there. I felt guilty and the next morning I removed it. He found me on there in less than 12 hours!

  10. 10
    Joe

    He has the right to look at what? Have you had the exclusivity discussion, and agreed to be exclusive? If not, he certainly does have the right to look.

  11. 11
    luv3pugs

    Yes, well, we both said that we weren’t going to have relationships with anyone else without telling the other first. That seems to me to be exclusive. Is that not to a man?

  12. 12
    Cilla

    If he wanted to look, he could hide his profile and still peruse the women (assuming you’re on a site that has this feature). Keeping his profile up means not only does he want to look at women, he wants them to look at him. It says, “I’m still available.”

    Get rid of him.

  13. 13
    LolaLuv

    …It seems as if he’s on there browsing girls, seeing if the grass is greener. I don’t know…

  14. 14
    BrainyBeauty

    I totally feel you. I’ve been dating someone for a month now, we have been sleeping together regularly and he’s SUPER affectionate with me in public. He is funny, warm, love and treats me to everything…
    However, I took my profile but he did not. Wtf? I’m not really sure what this means. All my guy friends have been telling that I messed up by sleeping with him, but that he clearly likes me. I’m just not sure how much he likes me. I don’t whether I should initiate the what are we talk or wait for him…
    The rules of online dating can suck sometimes.

  15. 15
    RR

    I have the same problem, BB… BF of 4.5 months, I never checked on because I trusted him, just went today and he has an “available” profile seeking LTR and just logged in this morning.  I asked him about it (tried to avoid being confrontational) and he said that he just likes ‘people watching’ and that he had changed it to available when i broke up with him a couple weeks ago but forgot to change it back.  We got back together after less than a day though (I broke up with him out of haste and anger of something else he did).  So he said that he would take it down since it bothered me. 
    Seriously, WTF???
    So he doesn’t want to take it down due to wanting to be with only me.  I told him I didn’t care if he kept it up but I’m going to re-activate mine and he didn’t like that (I get very high response rates, which he knows)  Should I care about his reasoning for taking it down or just be happy that he agreed to?  He also agreed to let me log into his account to see what he’s been doing, but obviously there’s nothing from stopping him from logging in right now and deleting stuff.
    We’re in a pretty serious relationship, going on vacations together and call each other boyfriend/girlfriend.  I’m confused.

  16. 16
    DatingForDopes

    If you like someone enough to see someone several times each week and have sex with them, there would be no need to continue looking and having your profile active.  Unless you are not serious about the person or are using them to pass the time until someone more interesting arrives on the scene.
    Consider:
    Your reasons for joining online site.
    The truth you reveal about what it is you are seeking in your profile.
    The honesty between you and the person you are seeing regularly.
    The conviction behind your reasons for joining and your honesty with those you date.
     
    Remember that your actions and words should align. The other person will catch on and know something is not right if you contradict or omit your intent. 
    Being vague about your intent and checking the site while having giving the impression you are developing a relationship with one person is shady behavior. Eventually you will become one of the “regulars”  on these sites and the opposite sex will avoid you. Word travels fast and unless you care about how you treat people, consider reexamining your disclosures and intent. Be clear. Be fair and above all else, have a conscience and empathy for the other person.
     
     

  17. 17
    DatingForDopes

    The statement I made: “If you like someone enough to see someone several times each week and have sex with them” requires some qualification.
     
    Let’s assume one is seeing someone several times each week for a couple of months.  Both talk on the phone/text daily and having a having a sexual relationship with each other. They introduce you to their young child/children, and talk about how excited/happy they are being involved with you. You spend time with them and their kids.  Add to it that you specifically asked them if they are dating others or are having sex with others and their reply is “no.”
    They may mean no as in NOT AT THIS MOMENT. And tomorrow is another day so the answer may be different without warning. But for those who do not wish to take the hard line of interrogation, this would be enough to establish trust that they are working on knowing YOU and not everyone else on the dating site. It should be a relief.
    If a person has no issue dating and having sex with more than one person while sublimating the cold reality of “it’s none of your business what I do” than their true self is in the limelight. That same person is willing to subjugate their own kids to partners coming and going at an exponential rate. It does not whisper quality. It screams selfish. If they are still online while doing all this but say it’s YOUR fault for not asking earlier, than find someone who has your best interests at heart. This person is NOT IT.
    The same courtship rules in real life should apply to online dating. Convenient truths of the moment are not genuine and border on deceptive. 
     
    A person who wants YOU and only YOU will make it happen and let you know without veiled deceptive wordsmithing. Every day they are hecking out the goods online time he or she is NOT checking out you and what you have to offer. 
     
    The basic considerations of traditional methods of dating have not changed with the advent of online dating. A person claiming to be online for FRIENDS while stringing you along is not on a dating site for friends. it’s for romantic investigation of a partner. Friends can be found on meetup dot com or other avenues. Dating sites mean DATING. Finding a partner. Hook up sites are for hooking up. The profile should reflect their intent and you should call bullshit if the two do not align. Look out for yourself and be careful. You may not only be screwing the village idiot but all the others he or she is lying to.
     
     
     
     
     

  18. 18
    Ben Ther

    I’ve had the same question. Dated one girl for nine months. I took down my profile after several months yet she did not. She later confirmed she did not consider herself my girlfriend, rather I was just a “very good friend.” Of course I should have raised the issue sooner. The next relationship, the girl asked after the first (really good) date if I was seeing anyone else. She didn’t say I couldn’t. She was just curious.  Now I’ve  been in a new relationship for two months that’s seemingly going well.  I again have the same concern. I stopped logging in to my account weeks ago to show I was not looking, while she logs in two or three times a week. I need to have a conversation.

  19. 19
    Lucy

    Yep you’re right – I think you do need to have the conversation. I have been seeing Darren for two months. He brought it up early – earlier than I was expecting – hence me agreeing – then getting freaked out by it and asking for help! I think 2 months is fine to bring it up. That way you’ll know if you’re on the same page or not.

     

  20. 20
    Nancy

    If everything in this world was only this simple.    I also met a amazing guy online and depending on how busy i was,  i liked to log in an read his profile or see his pictures, of course i made sure that he could not see that im checking out his profile. So to answer Jason’s question, it could just be that she is login in to look at your photos, or to read your profile once again, because she is enjoying getting to know you so much.    Dont be surprised if she also noticed you login in, and also wonders.   The same thing happened to me, but  i was so confident in what was going on between myself and this amazing man  such great chemistry and connection that i didnt question it.  I sort of encouranged, why? I was challenging what we had so far  if after meeting me if he could meet other women and still kept coming back to me, we were really onto something really special here,  the begin of a great relationship.  I personaltely can only date one person at the time.  As the cool chick that i am i  felt secure enough that he could search the universe and would never find someone like me. 

    Like the pina colada song where they answer eachother personal ads.    Jason If you like the woman, take the next step ask her to take it down and allow for the two of you to get to know eachother better and take it one step at a time, if you are on the same page you won’t have any resistance. 

  21. 21
    Just a Friend

    If they keep their profile up even after dating, sex, etc than you do not have their full interest unfortunately. I met this woman off of OKCupid and we have been talking for months, and been seeing each other and having a great time, and seems really interested, yet she still has both her POF and OKC profiles active. I’m not sure how often she goes on them, but I deleted both of my profiles about a month ago yet hers still lingers. This leads me to believe she isn’t serious. 
    So I will probably reactivate mine and see if she says anything, if not than I guess it is what it is.

  22. 22
    starthrower68

    @ Just A Friend #21,
    Have you told her you would like to be exclusive?  Why are you trying to ready her mind?  Maybe she is waiting on you to take the lead to a committed relationship.  Don’t just assume she isn’t that serious.  Communication is a beautiful thing when it’s actually used.

  23. 23
    Candy

    @starthrower68
    ,
    “Just a Friend#21″ took down his profile. It tells me he wants a committed relationship. Not too hard to figure it out. It has a very clear message. He doesn’t have to read her mind, she should know that the reason why he took his profile down it’s because he wants to be exclusive.
     

  24. 24
    David T

     I disagree.  A profile can be forgotten and  left up even if the owner is totally committed to a relationship. Someone can take it down to try to ‘send a message’ but it only takes seconds to unhide and if deleted only a few hours to recreate from scratch! 
     
    Deleting a profile only says “I am not so lazy that I am reluctant to reinvest 3 hours of my time if we don’t work out.” Taking down a profile is no more profound in meaning than spending a few hours planning a nice date. Taking it down or hiding it is a very weak positive indicator of anything.
     
    Actively visiting and using their profile is an indicator that they do not want to be exclusive.  If you ask them to take it down and they refuse that also means something. Those two circumstances are the only time a dating profile is gives you any strong indicator into understanding a relationship and only as a negative indicator.
     
    You have to look at the whole of the relationship  to know where you stand.

  25. 25
    J J

    If deleting a profile only says “I am not so lazy that I am reluctant to reinvest 3 hours of my time if we don’t work out”, we might as well all of us, keep an active profile up and see what comes in.
    In leaving a profile up, you are sending a message that you are continuing to look.
    In my case, I have remained patient however his profile is still up. Whilst it’s early days, if a man is interested my gut instinct is that he wont risk you being snapped up by another and if he’s prepared to, why wait?
    I’ve now decided to actively date others and am looking for someone that actually cares enough to say ‘would you be interested in seeing where we go from here. I am interested in pursuing you and you alone’. For me, it’s a definite turn off not knowing what the other party is thinking and doing especially when intimacy is involved. There’s so many genuine guys out there that I’m thinking why be dragged along for somebody else’s convenience, their indecision, or perhaps their lack of certainty when it comes to me…?! no having a bet both ways thanks..Woop woop!! Let’s get the party started…!

  26. 26
    hope2bhappy

    i’ve had this problem today and it’s  very simple to me.
    ‘If’ you’re just getting to know someone but you say to one another that you’re keeping it 100% platonic… for the first few dates, then it’s ok to keep looking. 
    If and when you’re dating and there’s intimacy involved… holding hands, kissing and sexual contact, then for most of us, it’s generally healthy at that point to start focussing on trust and loyalty and fidelity.  
    if there’s enough confidence that it will work to ‘go out together’ and invest in intimacy, then people should stop using dating sites. Otherwise people are NOT doing those things that are so important in a relationsihp… loyalty and fidelity. 
    If there isn’t enough confidence that the two people are suited, to stop looking, then people should admit there’s not enough confidence in the match, and just leave it, or at least distance. 
    That is my opinion. That’s assuming people are looking for an exclusive relationship, with trust, loyalty and fidelity, which most people ARE, and i think most on this page are. 
    I think it’s simple as above. I hope that i only date people in future who agree. 

  27. 27
    RJO

    i’ve had this problem today and it’s  very simple to me.
    ‘If’ you’re just getting to know someone but you say to one another that you’re keeping it 100% platonic… for the first few dates, then it’s ok to keep looking. 
    If and when you’re dating and there’s intimacy involved… holding hands, kissing and sexual contact, then for most of us, it’s generally healthy at that point to start focussing on trust and loyalty and fidelity.  
    if there’s enough confidence that it will work to ‘go out together’ and invest in intimacy, then people should stop using dating sites. Otherwise people are NOT doing those things that are so important in a relationsihp… loyalty and fidelity. 
    If there isn’t enough confidence that the two people are suited, to stop looking, then people should admit there’s not enough confidence in the match, and just leave it, or at least distance. 
    That is my opinion. That’s assuming people are looking for an exclusive relationship, with trust, loyalty and fidelity, which most people ARE, and i think most on this page are. 
    I think it’s simple as above. I hope that i only date people in future who agree. 

  28. 28
    OnlineDatingUsedToBeGreat

    Love this blog and the comments, very eye opening. Here is my 2 cents. I married young and divorced, dated online forever,, and the rules have seemingly changed. I have met people who have become great friends and had an almost 3 year relationship from a “free dating website” which I consider good. There used to be a time when only serious people dated online despite the old stigma back in those days. Now online dating is not only about “dating” but people are using it for games and hookups as well. It has got to a point where now people do meet ups and then formally go on a date etc. So each and everyone is so different, and yes, I agree with all those that said, the conversation is necessary. If you have had the conversation, but someone is still loitering, then you know better than that. If no conversation has taken place, then it’s chaotic, and disorderly, it is not a relationship you are just dating. I remember my 3 year relations went for about a year and a half, I was on different sites and so was he. It is only after I decided I wanted to be serious, and said that we both should take down our profiles. It took a while for him but he eventually did on his own (ego), but he was not going on there. Yes, I human enough to admit that I checked once in a while. See, the grass is not always greener when you find a good thing, but you could miss it’s fertility because you didn’t water it. I’m not saying settle for good enough, but if you find potential, at least try. Get all the destruction away and as “scary” as it may look. Some people, especially some women want the men to be in control, and lead the relationship. So guys, it starts with you, when a girl asks she probably is tired of the wait. Finally, just because you have been seeing each other for months doesn’t mean it is exclusive/official (place a word you prefer). That conversation should be there, unless you both have great telepathy that makes you both delete profiles at the same time or if that subject or standard was addressed in the past, a reminder came…pay attention! :)   

  29. 29
    jacky

    I’ll tell you exactly how things should go. If you are not making it clear that she is the only one you want to be with them its a open relationship. And trust issues will happen if you keep your profile as does she. If you never ask her to be your man and just play house with her she can and will and has every right to talk to other men. Yes she may be 100% in but a woman wants to feel wanted. That won’t happen if things aren’t c. Call her up and explain your feelings. That you want her and her only and if the feeling works both ways.
    I’ve been seeing a guy for 8months now and he still has his pof that I met him on up with a stat of single and looking for a relationship. Which tells me he is either not serious about me and wants to leave the door open for one night stands and fuck buddies. Or he is looking for whatever he doesn’t have from me. I plan to bring this to his attention when he’s back from his trip. I’ve made it clear I’m ALL his its time he did the same

  30. 30
    ntombizodwa

    I have the same problem,we met online,he says I’m the one,but does not take down his profile.I asked why,he said I’m stoking him,and he will take it off when he want’s I’m not going to tell him when,and we had a huge misunderstanding over that,even if I was not making an issue,he stopped replying my msg’s,did not return my calls.I opted to move on,I loved him,it was so painful.

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