Why Do Women in Their 30s Not Want to Date Men in Their 40s?

I’m a 42 year old single male who recently left a 5 year relationship for various reasons, but mainly because I wanted kids and she did not. I thought that since I was an attractive, fit, well-educated, financially and emotionally secure guy that I would have no problem finding a woman in her mid 30s to settle down with and start a family. I have tried a combination of online dating, speed dating, professional singles events, volunteering, happy hours etc. and have had very few dates over the past year. I thought that online dating would be great since you are essentially pre-screening people for dates. I have found that I get no responses from any women online and the only women who respond to my ad are usually much older and don’t meet any of my criteria outlined in my profile.

I am told that women want to settle down and have kids, etc., but their actions seem to be to the contrary. At singles events, women come in groups and are reluctant to talk to men. In online situations, women say they want desperately to meet a nice guy like me, but never answer my response to their profile. I am trying to remain positive, but two things are really bothering me. One, that younger women are no longer interested in dating men who are even just slightly (3-5 years) older than them and sometimes want to date men 5-10 years younger then them. Two, women seem to be content in the fact that they are independent and self-sufficient and have a career, family and friends that fulfills them and don’t seem to be interested in truly finding a relationship. I find the latter hard to believe, but find this mantra in every profile of every professional woman online. Any advice on how to navigate these new paradigms in the dating world?


Dear Adam,

You came to the right place.

And to directly address your email, I have to divide my response into two different parts: 1) What You’re Getting Right and 2) What You’re Missing.

What you’re missing is that what you want has absolutely no relation to what women want.

Let’s start with What You’re Missing. We’ll do What You’re Getting Right next week.

What you’re missing is that what you want has absolutely no relation to what women want. We’ve addressed this before, from an older man who couldn’t possibly fathom why a younger woman wouldn’t want to be with him. This isn’t all that much different. We can complain that the opposite sex is unrealistic and passing up great opportunities – and we’d be right – but it doesn’t change that people want what they want. It’s not fair. It’s not right. It just IS.

From 25-34, men play around a lot. Why? Because they can. They have a lot of dating options, they’re building their careers, and there isn’t a clear urgency to settle down.

Once a guy crosses 35, however, he (theoretically) tends to get more serious.

Alas, the women with whom he wants to get serious are 27-34. This gives men time to court, fall in love, travel together, move in, get engaged, and enjoy a few years of childless marriage before starting a family.

The problem is that many women from 27-34 are independent professionals just like their male peers. They, too, have a lot of dating options, are busy building their careers, and don’t have a clear urgency to settle down.

Then she hits 35. Theoretically, this is when she starts to get more serious. This is also when all the problems start.

…the bigger takeaway is that ALL of us are very judgmental on age.

Because 35-40-year-old men who are ready to settle down still want to have time before becoming dads. Thus, their target market remains women, 27-34 – who may not be ready to settle down quite yet. These women still have money to make, places to travel and oats to sow.

The 35-40-year-old women who ARE ready for marriage, unfortunately, are roundly ignored by the men they desire – their 35-40-year-old peers. These women are youthful and find themselves far more attracted to men in their 30’s than their 40’s.

Which brings us to you, Adam. You say you’re looking for a woman in her mid-30’s. That’s perfectly fair. But if none of them are looking for you, your wheelhouse is going to be women in their late 30’s to early 40’s:

Find the people who want you. It’s the same exact advice I give to women in their early 40’s who want men in their early 40’s…except men in their early 40’s want women in their 30’s.

And around and around we go.

I’m being a bit unfair, Adam, because there IS a market for a 42-year-old man – and you can certainly be doing better than you’re currently doing. Pick up a copy of www.findingtheoneonline.com and it should make a difference. Seriously. But the bigger takeaway is that ALL of us are very judgmental on age. To a 34 year old woman, 42 sounds OLD. To a 42-year-old man who wants his own biological children, anything above 36 is getting into risky territory. The lesson to all of you younger readers: take your love life seriously when you turn 30, instead of waiting until you’re 35 or 40.


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  1. 1

    Great advice, Evan. I like the way you broke it down.

    I’m a 37 year old woman and have online dated off and on over the years. I’m attractive, fit, have a job, etc. I’ve never been married and do not have any kids. I’m looking for a LTR but with that said I’ m not willing to settle.

    I would date a 42 year old, not a problem, but as you say, men in their 40′s are looking for women who are in the 27-34 year old bracket.

    I do know when I was in my early 30′s, anyone in their 40′s seemed old to me! Funny how that works out.

    It’s been my experience that I seem to get alot of emails from the 50+ and over crowd. To be fair, I’m not looking to date my dad. Sorry!

    And like you said, round and round we go….

    1. 1.1
      Anthony Thomas (@djfourmoney)

      Because having children with a woman over 34 is risky and potentially expensive unless you’re health plan support reproductive health. I am 42 and while the women who stare at my profile are in their 40′s, they are 45-47, da fuc? 
       I have it clearly stated in my profiles I want to have children. I am not taking that medical risk.

      1. 1.1.1

        I am a 39 year old woman and I just have to say maybe you have all waited too long to have kids. I had kids in my 20′s now its time to kick back

        1. Kim

          This is the most helpful comment on here.  I am 34 and it is clear as daylight that waiting this long was a mistake and makes things harder…nkt impossible but harder.  Yet people constantly advise that you have all this time and to go galavanting all over the globe and this is fine UNLESS you know you want a family.  I am having a child on my own and I will tell her be married by 30 if you intend on having a family.  The reality is for the best outcome you dont have all day.

      2. 1.1.2
        Alanna Lewis

        so I just read that comment about black women. Guess what I am a 34 year old black woman from the Caribbean never had children looking for a man in that age group that doesn’t have children but it seems an exercise in futility.

        1. Alanna Lewis

          even the men in their 20′s have at least one chile father (baby mama) 

    2. 1.2

      I am gob smacked at this stupid email you received from this 42 year old man. So incredibly self centred. What woman in her right mind would want an old man who just wants her because she can breed for him.
      He has spent his entire life chasing skirts and has not found anyone worth his love but at 42 he decides that its time to reproduce.??
      The women you go out with must get a pretty creepy sleazy feeling hanging out with you as this is the same feeling a man would get when he meets a gold digger.
      I would call you a “womb digger”.
      I suggest its time to give a good woman your heart and actually want to be in a relationship with someone before you place these LARGE expectations on them.
      And this goes to any other man who has waited till he is 40 to settle. Really! Seriously what ever happened to LOVE not Convenience.!!!!!!!
      I get everyone wants their freedom and fun when they are young but 40s not young, 30s not young and 25 is pushing it. Young is 18 and under and rest of us should have grown up by now.

      1. 1.2.1

         Complete, utter nonsense. When did the desire to have children become calling those who want to have children breeders?
         I am gobsmacked you would say that, but given the tactics used on the front lines of the gender war, maybe not.
         Here’s the deal and I know women HATE this but its the truth.
         Women are largely depreciating asset.  You are at your highest value under 25, unmarried and no children.  You’re lucky that virginity is no longer viewed as it was previous, otherwise that would continue to be apart of the gold standard.
         The SAME does not happen to men. But since the late 90′s, there has been this effort to discount men over 40, while simultaneously boosting the value of women over 35-40 which is right at the tail end of woman’s ability to have children without medical intervention.
         You would call a man who wants children after 40 a womb digger, its unimaginative and proves that some feminist are in fact misandrist.
         Just like I can’t stand extreme feminist like you, I can’t stand MGTOW idiots either.
         Memo to men in America. As I have said before and you can listen to the podcast on Freakonomics Radio (Online Dating and Marriage 1/2); economist Paul Oyer  said -

         Women like men with high paying jobs ($50K +)
         Women will date a man who is less good looking but has $$$
         Women don’t like low wage earners and unemployed men

         All men really want is a nice looking woman, who stays in-shape and grows old gracefully. Stress, smoking, bad eating habits, lack of exercise , drug abuse and drinking speed that all up ladies.
         At this point in the financial crisis and deepening gender/culture war, a man’s only choice is to get his passport and jump on a plane to either Eastern Europe, Southeast Asia or Central/Latin America.

        1. Robert

          I believe your spot on Anthony. Ive been looking for a good women to date and have dated some great women. All younger than me as thats whay ive always done. Women that already have children and dont want more should date men in their 40s they do Want children,such as myself .im 45 and have been looking for Woman to start a family with since I was 38, things just haven’t worked out the way I hoped.

        2. Alanna Lewis

          do you know how that sounds: “You are at your highest value under 25″ Who cares about the individual right? And then you go on about men being discounted. That’s the problem nowadays. Everyone thinks its all about them. What’s in it for me? No one really cares about anyone anymore. And we wonder why we have so many unhappy relationships. I agree with Carmela, whatever happened to love, not convenience?!!
          Also, its only natural that older women would start to gravitate towards younger men if men their age act like they should be put out to pasture once they reach a certain age. But noooo, men are still studs because they can still shoot sperm past a certain age, right? Where this supposed ‘gender war’ is concerned, I think a lot of it is men, SOME men I should say, trying to conserve cave man day values and beliefs about women and women continuously trying to show that yes my baby making abilities and other qualities as a woman are great but I am more than just that.

        3. Alux

          You shouldn’t call any human being “a depreciating asset”. I can’t understand how dating, love and family become a gender war instead of an extension of our humanity. That being said, media and society is pressuring too much on age, money and beauty and we have forgotten that when you love that doesn’t matter. It seem men and women are just. It seems men and women are looking at dates as if they were part of a contract of need and are not looking at each other and are just interested in taking rather than giving…

  2. 2
    Mikko Kemppe - Relationship Coach

    Very interesting, realistic, and thorough analysis Evan!! I don’t seem to find anything to disagree with your posts anymore :)…

  3. 3

    There is a huge opportunity being missed here by the online dating companies. How about one called ‘guess my age’ or “Age Anonymous” where you don’t disclose your age upfront? That should shake some things up!

    1. 3.1
      Anthony Thomas (@djfourmoney)

      What huge opportunity? Rewarding women delaying marriage and children looking for Mr. Big (proven by research) or looking for a high risk, high reward projects (Douchebag/Bad Boy/Thug) in their 20′s?
       I have wanted to get married since my mid 20′s, but by the time I hit 30, I took it a bit more serious and then economics came into play. At my income level only single mothers and cast-offs are available and it just got worse and worse as I got older. 
       Is the penalty for not making 50K  rescuing women the rest of Male society impregnants and tosses back? 
       I think not, so my only solution is overseas which I am not shocked Evan didn’t suggest because as well all know America is the best at everything when that statistically can be easily proven to be false. 

      1. 3.1.1

        So you went overseas to buy yourself a woman.  That’s a match made in heaven.  How long do you think that’s going to last?  Make sure you marry her in her country because here, she’s going to take your house and half of everything else you have.  Either way you’re going to be alone in the future with your plan.  

  4. 4

    When I was 33 I dated a 40 year old. I had no problem with this whatsoever, but at first it seemed like a bit of a novelty. 40 can seem ‘old’ to those of us who are fresh out of our 20′s. It’s an age we can remember out parents being, so it’s a little odd. However, and this may just be me, but I tend to relate best to men who are *slightly* older than me and, at 37, a 42 year old man is rather desirable. Ideally, I’d like to find a guy who is about 2 years older than me, but I’d rather date up a few years than date someone more than 2 years younger. Again, this is just one woman’s perspective.

    In this case, however, I think the failure to find dates may be a function of what this 42 year old is looking for. Unless he and Miss Right find each other, sparks fly, and it’s a very sure thing that happens quickly, the whole settling down and starting a family thing might be tricky. I don’t personally believe that courtships need to last that long, and that if they do last several years there’s something wrong. But you have to find the right person to have this happen, and, as we all know, that gets increasingly difficult with age, self-awareness, and a shrinking pool of date material.

    As a professional woman in her mid-30′s I’d like to add that a lot of us don’t want children. I think some of us choose to remain single on a subconscious level to avoid this whole subject. It may seem that a lot of us have biological clocks ticking away (which is an assumption I believe the original poster is making) but I don’t think that is the case, especially amongst career girls like myself.

    1. 4.1
      Anthony Thomas (@djfourmoney)

      Then I say enjoy the realization that you’ll be single until its fairly obvious you biologically can’t have children or you better start considering men who married early, had children early but finds himself divorced in his mid to late 30′s.

  5. 5

    There are plenty of women online in their late 30′s who already have kids and don’t want more or maybe would like to have MORE kids that will date men in their early 40′s but of course those 40 something guys have to be “hotter”,”richer”,better job etc than their 30 something counterpart.Does that mean I think a 34 yr.old with no kids that wants some will date a 43 yr.old that wants some? No,they won’t most of the time.But a 37 or 38 woman with a guy 42 or 43 isn’t out of the question or unrealistic.

  6. 6

    I am a 38 year old woman, the challenge is that most men in their 40′s act and seem old. They do not keep up with current events, music or fashion (think goatees and mom jeans). They often seem very very stuck in their ways. So as an attractive 38 year old, I am able to attract young men, and prefer their vibrancy. The older men who do keep up and are a tiny bit metrosexual probably have a easier time of it. Maybe you can do a little to be more attractive to the women you are looking at…. I really want to date men my own age…..

    1. 6.1

      Michelle, you hit the nail on the head! i’ll be 40 in about 10 more months. I’ve done everything your supposed to do to die before age 30 and some how I’ve survived. I continue to LIVE my life. and I can attract younger women… BUT I’d also really like to date women my own age… Same problem though, they’ve either given up on themselves completely and or they are so jaded and sore its just one huge emotional mistrustful minefield. I do my best as far as “fashion” goes… However there will NEVER be a pair of Skinny jeans in my closet, Cuz as far as I’m concerned that whole “Metro” thing is just another word for Bi-curious LOL!!!  

      1. 6.1.1
        Anthony Thomas (@djfourmoney)

         Another victim beaten down by feminism, what on earth is so important about marrying a woman the same age as you? So you can both quote meaningless popular culture references? To both listen to some 80′s big hair metal band? In most cases a woman 4-5, even 10 years younger will still know some of these things. The importance people put on non-important stuff is shocking to me. Men the clock is on your side and if you’re not finding reasonable options in America, there’s always overseas.

        1. jessica roden

          Hi Anthony, your problem is your hate for women. You have been hurt very bad in the past and shot down and you clearly show that. May God be with you  and help you find love in your heart and happiness. I feel for you. I really do. 

        2. jessica roden

          By the way, the clock is not on your side. All of us get old and unattractive. We all die. Men get impotent at 40 plus years and have to get on viagra. That should tell you something. For some reason, you think women are supposed to serve you. Maybe if you work on your attitude, you will be able to find a nice woman in America. You have been rejected for a reason. Think about it.

        3. Highway

          Anthony, I think you’re just bitter about something…. 

        4. Tom

          Classic feminist tactic… the ad hominem attack. You say something they don’t like, so there must be something wrong with you.

        5. Chris

          I agree that the real issue here is your bitterness Anthony.  Some counseling never hurt anyone.  We all get hurt, we all get broken, but you need to fix that before you move forward.  Good luck. 

        6. Don Kirchner

          To Jessica ~ I just stumbled across this lengthy list of postings to Adam’s letter, and have to say you seem to be closest to Anthony’s issue at it’s core. But here may be a shocker to many of you: A lot of us “Baby Boomers” (men and women) have taken pretty good care of ourselves. I for one have never even tried Viagra or other ED enhancers, and with a vibrant, caring woman I’m as viral as I ever was. To all of you with age issues, we may look like your fathers, but we are so much more…with caring, sensitive and even vibrancy someone discounted above. I’m not looking for a girl in her 30′s, but I’m still a guy at heart…and can outwork, outplay, out-earn and (surprisingly?) out-love most of them. Sorry I won’t have the chance to meet or enjoy your company. When you hit the 50′s you’ll see what I mean…

  7. 7

    I’m surprised women aged 37 – 42 aren’t interested interested in men in their early 40′s. Is this really a trend? I don’t consider 5 yrs either way an age difference anyway so I don’t get it.

    This older men preferring younger women thing though, doesn’t seem to have any end to it. Lately, an 89 yr. old man has developed a crush on me. Not only do I not want to date someone my Dad’s age, I definetly don’t want to date someone 20 years older than my Dad!

    I get the idea “find the people who want you” , but hey! there’s a limit ya know. :)

    I like your “Guess my age ” suggestion Carol. I think it would shake up some people’s perceptions of older/younger. I also think it could be a bit of an eye opener to those who believe they look much younger than they are. You don’t look 10 years younger than your age to someone who actually IS 10 years younger than you are. Trust me.

  8. 8

    I like Carol’s post! That would indeed be interesting! I’m on match and almost always completely ignore the info at the top of the profile. Age, height, have kids/want kids, body type, ethnicity etc.

    I just read what people write about themselves and it’s only from reading the chat on Evan’s blog that I’ve come to realise that this isn’t normal! I have regularly dated guys and found myself asking after 5/6 weeks, “how old are you”?, “younger, older than me!?” I don’t take it in, I just go by whether their physical appearance suggests they’re young or old to the extent that it makes me feel uncomfortable.

    I don’t get people that have strict age limits; for me ten years older is fine and re younger, so long as they’re out of their teens and seem it, I’m open minded! But then I’m in my twenties; who knows how I’ll feel in 20 years time!?

  9. 9

    Hey Adam, sad to say…you’ve had your chance to meet women who are in child bearing age and can have your children when you were in your 20s and early 30s. How come you wanna have kids only in your late 30s?

    And frankly, nowadays women are leading a more active lifestyle than men in general. Older men (among even my early 30s guy friends), they tend to wanna be couch potatoes and home-bound. Whereas women still in their 30s wanna go out, do stuff, etc are even financially independent to continue to do so without tying herself down to be a child-bearing machine. So, a guy who is 40-ish…I’d be wondering what he can offer.

    1. 9.1

      Shay, what’s you’re problem, men can have children at any age, unlike women, who’s eggs start to lower in numbers with each year after about 25. So maybe you should have had children in your early 20′s.

      But couples are having their children in their late 30′s and early to mid 40′s.
      My cusin just had his first child at 37, and his girlfriend is about 13-15 years old.
      I find this to be the case where I live in new york.
      The women here, love and are having children by men 8-15 years older than they are.
      And men and woman who are in relationships together are also having their children in their early to mid 40′s.
      So to the op, I wouldn’t listen to the arrogant 30 something women here, because they don’t count at the real women out side in the real world, that is why they are on online dating sites, most of them are lying about their age in their profiles anyways, and they wear heavy makeup to cover up their age when you see them in person.

      So stay off the online dating sites, theirs nothing there but liars and snobby woman who are not confident enough for the most part to get a man on their own in the real world.

      1. 9.1.1

        I’m sorry, I meant to say, my cusins babies mother is 13-15 years younger than my cusin.

      2. 9.1.2

        Ummm dark, obviously not a dr. Men and women start to lose their fertility at about 25. By about 33 men are also starting to lose the rigidity of their erections. Men age. It is possible for a man tofather a child at 370, but not ve. Men age. Further, women arent stuck up just bc they arent into you. The 1st rule of having the maturity to date is you have to be able to handle rejection like an adult.

        1. SparklingEmerald

          I had my first & only child at age 34 (almost 35). Conceived him the FIRST time we had sex without birth control. (a very planned conception) I did not use ovulation predictors or any sort of fertility aid, except to make a point of having even more sex around the time of my cycle that I guessed I would be most fertile. My grandmother started having children in her late 30′s. She had 4 babies, and one miscarriage, starting in her late 30′s. So if this is “losing fertility”, I guess that means in our early 20′s we could have conceived without actually having sex.

        2. Mark T

          About men losing the rigidity in their erections by the age of 33.. no way.  I can’t speak for other men, only myself.  I can assure you that my sex drive and the rigidity of my erection hasn’t dropped much since I was 18, and now I’m 45.
          I’m fit, I’m sharper than I’ve ever been in my life (and less stupid), and I have women on my mind as much as I did when I was 18. I’m adventuresome and have not become set in my ways, and never will.
          I’m also an unwavering, passionate romantic, and I’m resolutely monogamous. I love seeing great long-term relationships, although truly great ones are truly uncommon.
          Please read all of my points here, before forming an angry opinion.
          Here’s the reality of it– and I know that I’m speaking for a lot of men. There are two things that will crank my sex drive way up… one of them is a woman I love very much, and the other is a woman I am very physically attracted to– and whether I like it or not, she has to be fit and young enough to be of reproductive age. I’m stuck with that reality.
          Biologically, this is the basic mechanism of physical attraction, and much of it is undeniably visual for most men, and that means young women. It’s rarely spoken about, but these are nature’s drives that go back long before we were cave people, and that’s why there are 7 billion people on this planet. Beyond physical attraction which is subconsciously tied to reproductive drives, there can be love that goes much deeper.
          Many men can physically and biologically father children right up into their 60s or 70s. That’s a fact. Sperm-quality may drop, but it doesn’t nose-dive at the age of 40 like egg-quality does; the decline is very gradual.
          These men are not dirty old men just because they find young women hot.  Why should that change just because they get older? It doesn’t, so get over it!  Many men are biologically wired that way, and no complaining or debating will change that.
          There are other psychological factors that will lower any man’s sex drive, and lower the rigidity of his erection. Things such as internal distractions, personal and life stresses, pressure, and lack of attraction to the woman. Age has less to do with it, except that some people become more stressed and pressured at certain periods in their life, often middle-age, whether you’re a man or a woman.
          As far as good-quality long-term relationships go, there are three important things that have nothing whatsoever to do with age. It’s about love, attraction, and above all the quality of their personal connection. This includes interests & passions & personality connection… and a shared sense of humour also adds a lot.
          In the long term, the quality of their personal connection is probably the most important, because it will add fuel to the first two. Of all the marriages that I have seen fail, it is the lack of deep personal connection that mostly causes failure years later.
          About the deep personal connection, young men and young women usually miss out when choosing their partners, because the other two factors blind them initially. It can often take a few years of being together before the depth of that is known. Hasty marriages add to the high divorce rate.
          People fall in “love”, and are attracted to each other… and often this lasts only a few years. But a very strong personal connection will go a long, long way. Unfortunately, from the hundreds of relationships I have seen, such great connections are simply rare. This is partly because people get tied up in relationships, long before they ever know what they might really want out of life.

    2. 9.2
      Every guy in NYC

      “Go out” is codeword for “alcoholic” or someone with a drug problem. My last 2 girlfriends were coke heads. . . both graduated from top 10 schools and worked in big law, both late 30′s.
      No thank you, Ms. girl who wants to go out. I will be more than happy sitting at home where I cant get disbarred, and you cant pawn my watch you took off the dresser.

  10. 10

    I have to disagree here. I don’t think it’s just bad luck. As a 29 year old woman, most of my friends who have done online dating have stated on their profile that they’d be willing to date a guy up to 10 years older than them. I’d venture to say that most women who are at the settling down phase would be willing to go at least 7-8 years above. And I haven’t seen any profile of a woman who isn’t willing to go 3-5 years older than her. So if you’re asking women out who are 3-5 years younger than you (37-39), these are supposed to be the women who are most desperate to find a man because their biological clock is ticking the loudest. They should be overjoyed that a man not old enough to be their father is contacting them and at least send back an e-mail, even if the whole process doesn’t get to the dating phase.

    So if this is not happening, your profile or approach must need serious work. Go through the archives or Evan’s various articles he’s written on the ‘net. Or you can buy his program. Or get an honest friend to look over your profile and critique it. But you’d better do something because if you want your own biological children, time’s ticking for you too.

    1. 10.1
      Anthony Thomas (@djfourmoney)

       Sort of… Women like me contrary to popular thought about men and online dating. I get emails from butt-hurt women who say I should accept them if they have children already and they aren’t too old to have more kids at 36-37.  While its likely she can have more children because she’s had one already, I would like to enjoy 1-3 years of a childless sex life. That email came from a German lady by the way not an American. I got another email from a Polish woman who thought she was too fat when I said in my profile a woman shall not weight more than me (175lbs) because like Mark T, I am 43 in excellent shape, still run fast (sub 12 second 100 meters), can still dunk a basketball and the majority of people I hang with are 20′s and 30′s themselves.
       One additional thing I’ll say and this is thorny but I don’t care; whenever we (as a group) talk about dating in America and its problems we’re talking about White People. This is the downfall of a country that claims its proudly multi-cultural but in practice fails miserably. I’ve gotten more attention from White women in Europe than in America and that is TELLING. The majority of White women that stare at my profiles and sometimes message me are over 40 and beyond the age of having children when I clearly have stated I want children in my profile.
       I suggest women look at Amy Webb’s TED Talk about her difficulties.
       Here’s the deal though, overseas there’s very little market for American  women, but there’s a huge market for American men. If you can’t find what you’re looking for here, jump on a plane. My friend Law was 38 and jones’in to get married and have children. He jumped on a plane, went to Ukraine, found his wife (she found him…), in less than a year he filed for a K1, it was approved, he went back to pick her up (they talked via Skype during that time), that was the first him her met her parents… His wife Alyona is now 30 (she was 28 when they married) been married 3 years and have two kids. So men instead of whining about American women not accepting you and Evan telling you its basically unfair but that’s life. That’s not true, you have options, use them.

      1. 10.1.1
        James Powers

        @Anthony Thomas- Anthony I’m interest in finding out more about your friend who went outside the US to find his soulmate?   If you wouldn’t mind posting some more information on how I might learn more, I would sincerely appreciate it!  Now here are my feelings on the subject.  I truly believe that a lot of, if not all of courtship has to do with timing.  The fact of the matter is that there are and always be mitigating factors when it comes to meeting the right person.  I have found that a majority of women online in their profiles place a huge emphasis on financial specifics as to what their expectations are for the man they are seeking.  Ironicly at the same time they don’t even or are not willing to state their own financial position.  Why is this?  It seems to be okay or expected of a man to be financially stable and take care of a woman, but at the same time a man immediately is a deadbeat if he has any expectations of having a woman take care of him?  I suppose that is why I see a lot more men going to other countries to find a companion.  It seems at least to me a different kind of cultural experience exists in countries where people are just simply seeking a better more fullfiling life.  Afterall I dont think anyone is us would be surprised that a majority of people outside of the US are far worse off than we are.  Don’t hate on me just because I  am sharing my opinion here because truthfully it is and has been my observations over time.  While some people may frown upon the overseas bride thing, at least she doesn’t need a hard and fast financial number in order to determine a man’s financial stability and success.

    2. 10.2
      Alanna Lewis

      my problem is most think I am in the 18-21 age group and I am actually 34 and men in their 50′s  are trying to date me. I would love a 38 or 39 year old.

  11. 11

    My thought is that it depends on whether the woman in her 30′s has been in long term relationships, or any relationships actually, or has been more of an “always single” girl. If she spent most of her 20′s and early 30′s “single” then I think there is even more resistance to finding a man in their 40′s that she sees as immediately settle down with, have a kid or two, and be an “older” couple. She might still want to catch up a little on the “fun” “couple” life all her friends got to have – that YOUTHFUL couple life of vacations, concerts, sporting events that she spent a lifetime of doing single and wants to catch up on some of those milestone moments with a guy in his 30′s who still seems to live that lifestyle before wanting to “settle down.” A woman who got to experience many of those things as couple, just with the wrong person in the long run, but had fun and enjoyed them at the time, is probably more willing and into settling down and craving more wanting to get married and start a family and a home life.

    1. 11.1

      Mara- you are so right in your saying. iam 33 and have spent all my life being single. i tried to have relationship with few but they all turned out to be jerks and so the things could nt get worked out. but yes the way you have explained the feelings or aspirations of a lady in her early thirty are so so right…pleased to know that there are people out there who totally understand what a single lady in her early thirty wants to see in her husband:)

    2. 11.2
      Alanna Lewis

      you are spot on!

  12. 12

    This is the problem with online dating. In person you can see and judge how “young ” or “old” someone may be. But on online you just have age cut offs. In person, I am often approached by men 10 -15 years my junior. Online alot less so. When I was in my late 20′s and early 30′s and someone asked if I wanted to date a 42 year old, I would have said eweeeeeeee no way!!!!
    When you are young you picture yourself dating someone within 5 years of your age . As you get older the range increases.

  13. 13

    I wonder if it’s possible that Adam has never married. I know this is often perceived as a red flag for a 42 year-old guy. It sounds like his initial email and his profile may need revising. Maybe he talks about wanting to start a family in his profile. Many sites encourage you to say what you’re searching for, and while some women in their mid-30′s might have their initial interest peaked by what he has to offer, they’re not sure where they stand on such an issue and so they pass. It’s kind of like the woman who mentions her desire to have children too soon for a guy’s liking and he scatters off.

    He is now living in a world “as it is” vs how he perceived it to be when he exited his LTR. Many women of today are interested in dating and claim they want to find a good guy, but in reality, eh … not so much. They are as he has described: successful, career-oriented, independent, active, financially strong, self-empowered, and loving life. They also do not always want children. And some women are choosing to have children, but not in the traditional way.

  14. 14

    I would date a successful man that didn’t have children, but I cannot have children. So I would not be someone he would want, I am also not healthy enough to care for an adopted child, so we would have to hire help.
    But as in dating guys in their 40′s .. some have so much, when I read “my 6 year old is my life”, I go to the next one because I think, well then you don’t need a woman then do you?
    Other than that, I don’t care what age I find. I want to know what’s inside the mind heart & soul.
    BTW thank you for the stuff about the young guys… have had them honking at my car, flooding any dating sight, etc etc. I need not another 2 year relationship.

  15. 15

    I agree with Diana (#13). Women being scared off by men who disclose their agenda too soon.

    In fact, if Adam really disclose that he wants to start a family, the woman he showed interest in might think that he is not really interested in her as a person, merely a convieniant child bearing machine. Then any woman would fit the bill, right?

  16. 16

    Buddy, you are just doing something wrong. If you’re good-looking and have a job you should not be having any trouble getting a woman. But maybe you aren’t good-looking or employed in the way that women like. If so you gotta move down the food chain. Like go after the ones that make a lot less than you do or the ones that don’t have minicures or something.

    1. 16.1
      Anthony Thomas (@djfourmoney)

       Boy you stepped in it didn’t you…
       Define “Moving Down Market” because its more about economics than animal instincts is correct, I wouldn’t use food chain.
       Now I suppose you’ll say something along these lines - 
       At 42, moving down market would mean accepting a woman in her 30′s with pre-teen children without any chance of having your own children. I know for many men this is a non-starter, including myself (43).
       Women like money (mostly women in Western Culture) and that is problematic. My ex made more and she paid the rent, there was never any money issues in our relationship and I never felt emasculated. But she was a downmarket woman, from Prescott, Az and overweight. In other words she wasn’t going to be like the good-looking people they find for Match.com adverts. Those women would never accept such an arrangement and would continue looking for Mr. Big. The guy that could give them the lifestyle she’s always wanted even if she decided to be a stay-at home mothers with the future children. This is an unrealistic goal normally, but for women over 30 to believe its possible watch too much TV. Under normal circumstances, women would find a way to finish their education or start their careers while finding a husband, this means getting the job done in your mid 20′s. But that’s not happening, women are allowed to have extended adolescence and waiting until they are economically independent before trying to settle down. Women are playing with fire, economics and biology all at the same time and the results are quite messy.
       I am not sure what income bracket he’s in, but historically for me it been about 30-35K so moving down market, means chicken heads, single mothers with multiple children, overweight women (like my ex) and mousey women.
       Even good-looking, unemployed women still want Mr. Big. Other women down market also have a high opinion of themselves even if society doesn’t, think Porn Stars and I live in the San Fernando Valley, so dating them when you catch them at strip clubs or local watering holes is a total possibility.
       Women often complain of douchebag behavior and older men not having much self-respect. That really isn’t it, the douchebag behavior goes without saying, but older dudes with pot bellies and only strong enough to lift a beer can up to their soup coolers is a common occurrence, especially online.
       I am broke by US standards so I am on the sidelines looking to get called off the bench. Problem is only D-League women want me, no thanks, I am taking my show on the road and so should the OP, dating AW at his age is a losing proposition.  

      1. 16.1.1

        At first I thought what a DH but now you are making me laugh!,, 
        ANYWAY everyone shut up who cares… theres a lot more going on in life than this nonsense lol..  Be happy with who you are, try to get some great sex or affection if you can, and be happy and kind…..I’m 40 and loveeee younger men. I missed the child thing but that’s ok, I love my life! esp when I’m helping others..
        be kind..

  17. 17


    If I had a dollar for every woman who put “my children are my life” in their profile I’d be richer than Bill Gates….lol
    Just like the women with 4 kids who sometimes write…”I have time for relationship” I just laugh and say sure you do…..next!

  18. 18
    Dashing One!

    These days we constantly hear that age is nothing but a number.
    50 is the new 40, 40 is the new 30, and even black is the new white! LOL!
    The truth is age does matter! (especially in the long run).
    Personally when I was in my 20s I dated women who were 12 years older than me. When I was in my late 30s/early 40s I lived with a woman that was 15 years older than me. All of these women were very attractive for their age but in the long run is where the problem comes in for most people. When you’re 60 and your mate is 40 there are going to be some major differences between you. Energy is one of them along with thoughts of retirement…etc
    Having said all of the above there are still lots of old guys dating women in their 20s and 30s while they are 50 and older. However most of thoes women are not just looking for an old man who is “financially secure”. He has to be rich, powerful, or famous. Trust me that is the only reason why someone like Hugh Hefner (almost 80) has a long line of 20 something year old beautiful girls waiting to jump in bed with him.
    If you want a girl who is a “gold digger” or looking for a “meal ticket” they are out there but most of them will not be highly educated nor have career interests of their own.

    If the age of a woman is real important to you then you would be better off thinking in international terms… (women from Latin America, Europe, Middle East, South America, and Asia). Women from these cultures are beautiful and raised to view age differently than in America. They are much more open to marrying older successful men. You might want to google some international dating websites. Keep in mind there are over 6 Billion people on this planet of ours. There is nothing that says your wife/soul-mate can’t be waiting for you on some tropical island.
    Just as business has to think globally to thrive you too should think globally when it comes to finding the woman of your dreams. Thank God for the internet and airplanes! LOL!

    Yes there are exceptions in America but you have to look at the odds. I’m certain if you were to sift through every dumpster in New York City you are bound to find a diamond ring or something of value in at least one of them but why would you choose to go down that road just so you could have something locally.
    We place value on youth in our culture. Everyone here is trying to look younger than they are, dress younger than they are, keeping track of music and new Hollywood stars. The “Baby Boomers” coined the phrase, “Don’t trust no one over 30!” Today these are the same people who refuse to get “old”. They are standing in line for plastic surgeries, popping Viagra like vitamins, constantly trying to shape up or trin down…etc

    In America a man in his 20s and 30s with a good sex drive is seen as sexy. A man in his 40s, 50s, and beyond is considered a “dirty old man” for having the same desires. The thought of older people wanting sex is a turn off until we ourselves fall into that age group. LOL!

    1. 18.1

      Great Post – Dead-On!  
      Adam, look internationally and you will find someone who fits your profile. There are plenty of women who would love to be with a successful older (but not-so-old) man, especially one who wants a family. In the age group you are looking, I know for a fact there are thousands of young ladies in Central and South America, Southeast Asia and former Soviet countries that would love to meet you and develop a relationship.
      I know this because I have spent close to ten years as an expatriate, visited 56 countries, and lived long-term in six of those countries. As “dashing-one” mentioned above, only in America do we negatively view older males who want to start a family later in life. 
      If your financial position allows you, travel and live abroad for a year or two. It’s will be a great experience and you will more than likely find your life partner. I do not recommend the mail order bride racket or the 90 day trial (fiance visa). Go and live abroad, relationships take time.

      1. 18.1.1

        I think Dashing One and B are both correct. I’m 38, divorced, father of an amazing little boy. I’ve lived abroad, in Central America and the Caribbean, and let me tell you something: the majority of women down there actually dig guys who are older than they are. They’re into stability, and I’m not talking about money, I’m talking about maturity. You don’t need to be rich, famous, powerful, etc. As long as you have a good head on your shoulders and are a decent guy, you’ll find more than a few beautiful ladies that are interested. 
        Like Dashing One said: “In America a man in his 20s and 30s with a good sex drive is seen as sexy. A man in his 40s, 50s, and beyond is considered a “dirty old man” for having the same desires. ”
        You might want to consider their advice and look beyond what this country has to offer… just saying

  19. 19

    It’s not about age as a number so much as it is about life stage discrepancies. Every five years or so, priorities tend to change. I found, while dating again in my early 40s and wanting to date men my age, that they “all” wanted younger women because oops! They forgot to have kids. The men who were interested in me, at 42, were in their late 20s to late 30s and did NOT want kids (neither do I), who were relieved to find a woman who wasn’t all over them to get married and start a family right away, the way the women in their mid-30s tended to be. I was divorced ten years and didn’t care if I ever got married again, and that was like catnip to the younger guys I met who were ambivalent about having kids (almost all of them, frankly). Also, the older men (50+) dug me, because to them I was a “younger woman” who didn’t have any baggage or expectations when it came to wanting kids or more kids. I wound up with a guy eleven years my junior; and while there are a few life stage issues now in terms of where we are in our respective careers, we are wildly happy together because we both eschewed having kids and don’t feel the least bit selfish or regretful about the choices we made.

  20. 20

    @Dashing One:

    Great … good to know that there are foreigners out there to take away EVERY job from Americans! ;)

  21. 21

    I really don’t see why someone who was 35+ wouldn’t want to date someone who is 42. Man or woman. But, if that’s really the case, then I guess men are now geting a little of their own medicine. I can’t say I have too much sympthy since most men usually don’t really care how this issue affected women.

    I did enjoy the post by Dashing One that said that women in other countries are raised to view age differently. The irony in it is he seems to only care about how older men are viewed, not older women. He’s more upset about how older men past 40 are viewed , not women past 40.

    It’s not that having a sex drive past 40 is bad. It’s when men want to play around and not grow up until they are 40 and then expect that they deserve a younger woman after they had their play time.

    Although, the man that wrote the letter did say he was in a relationship for 5 years. So in that case, it wasn’t that he was playing around.

    1. 21.1

      Im in my early thirties and their is no way I would date a man in his 40s. I was talking with my girlfriends that are my age, and they feel the same. Why would anyone want to give up their youth to parter up with somebody so much older. Also women are in their prime in their 30s and 40s. Men loose it in their early 20s. Not a comparable match

      1. 21.1.1

        Tina, you’ve cracked me :D  You’re in your early thirties and you call that youth!!!! 

        1. AllHeart

          Tina, I don’t believe men loose it in their early 20s. Men can be wonderful at all different ages. Early 20s or 40s. And I think if you don’t want men to devalue you based on your age, you shouldn’t devalue them based on their age either. 
          I’m in my early 30s too. I’m a much better partner now than I was in my 20s. I was very naive, selfish and wanted Prince Charming to take care of everything for me. I was hungry for something I lacked growing up. Today I care more about his needs as well as mine and actually being a good partner to him. I think some of Evan’s advice is good, but too much of it is centered on what primarly makes men happy and doesn’t sometimes factor in female needs. 
          I would date a man in his 40s but he would have to be the kind of man that wasn’t setting out to specifically date younger women. I by-pass alot of men online because the way they list their age preferences easily weeds out the men that are agist toward women.  Why would any woman want to put herself in that situation? There is absolutely no pay off to tie yourself with such a man even when he is older than you. I want to pass on genes to my children with the kind of guy that truly likes women, not women’s ages. Lots of guys say they love women when they really just love women’s bodies and sex with women. But a man that truly likes women? That goes beyond sex, age and bodies. Alot of people confuse the idea that a love for a woman’s body is an actual love and appreciation for her as a woman. And it’s not. Which is probably why alot of women who marry older men end up divorced in their 30s. 
          Miki, I do think early 30s is youthful. If you don’t, you’re going to be spending the majority of your life with one foot in the grave. How drool. 

        2. kiran

          she is a transexual:)

    2. 21.2
      Anthony Thomas (@djfourmoney)

       Here we go again, define “Growing Up”
       Is that going into debt on a house you can barely afford? Is that buying more car than you need not to appear cheap (b segment compact) or immature (said b segment hot hatch)?
       Women are finally starting to realize that they can’t be “just like men” in all aspects of life. They always throw out canards like men’s fertility goes down as they age. Not nearly as much as a woman’s does, stop with the bullsh*t. Just because more women over 40 are having their first child, what they don’t tell you is that many are medically assisted. Its not cheap and often times not covered or even effective.
       I haven’t played around, I am not willing to settle for something that was unreasonable and my dating life got progressively worse as I got older.  I was growing increasing frustrated that the only women interested in  me where either: 
       Had children, never married
       And older than me or a combination of one or two or even all three of those.
       I also ran into a series of women who either couldn’t have children or had one child and then had to have their reproductive system removed.
       Thus far I haven’t talked about Black Women who are a complete train wreck in this country and I won’t consider them for even dog catcher at this point.
      I have been overseas and while it didn’t work out like I want, its time to go back, this time South America and I may not come back, not like you’ll miss me anyway.

      1. 21.2.1

        ,,Thus far I haven’t talked about Black Women who are a complete train wreck in this country and I won’t consider them for even dog catcher at this point.” What a vile racist.

        1. Anthony Thomas

          1) Are you a White saying that? If you are, what gives you agency?
          2) Given the volume of evidence, you speak without knowing the facts. 
           80% of African-American women have a child out of wedlock. Let me repeat that, 80% of Black women have a child out of wedlock. It was 79%. All in the US Census data, use Google.
           How does that play itself out in real terms? Go to any single dating site and tell me how many profiles you see if Black woman with at least once child, because 60% of those woman have a second child with another man. 
           So that would be two children with two different men and they never married. Now I  am not saying that is unique to Black women, because dusty arse Black men are just as responsible. Lots of these men impregnate White women, Latinas and Asian women though to a much lower level because 90+% of Black men say they want to marry Black women.
           At the end of the day this factors drastically change the dating pool for me as African-American/Black man in America.
           Go kick rocks.

    3. 21.3
      Evil Llama

      I couldn’t agree with you more Jersey Girl. I’m a 34 year old tomboy and all my friends are men 40 plus. The 50 year old mid life crisis men are the worst. They whine all day long that women (35 and under) are so horrible to them and use them. The normal guys their age and me just stare at them in disbelief while sitting at the bar amazed at their state of denial.

  22. 22

    After reading these posts, it is clear men and women are just not on the same timeline!
    I had one child in my late twenties during grad school and got divorced four years later. When i got around to dating again I found that men in their 30′s and 40′s were mostly like Adam – they either wanted kids or had kids, along with an ex-wife and a custody schedule. Been there, done that. Not interested.
    It wasn’t until I started dating again in my late 40′s that I could find men who affirmatively did not want children, or like mine, their kids had flown the nest. What i find interesting about Adam’s email is that he equates children with a LTR. I think Evan’s analysis is right on about men wanting younger women who aren’t yet ready to settle down – although my biological clock wasn’t ticking anymore, a lot of my (professional) women friends had children in their late 30′s and early 40′s. Perhaps Adam should find the woman first and then figure out the kid issue instead of the other way ’round. Is carrying on his gene pool more important than being alone? Some women come with kids already and there is always adoption. I agree that there is a certain “I’m looking for a breeder” tone that if its in his profile might be a turn-off.
    Have I solved the problem? Sort of. Having just turned 50, I have been actively dating for the last four years (using a lot of Evan’s advice, of course) and have dated men 12-15 years on either side of me, but not so many my own age. For the last year I have been seeing a man eight years my senior. His kids are grown up and married. He has his own law practice. He doesn’t know how to use a BlackBerry, but he calls me every day and (Evan will cringe) on dates he brings me flowers, pays, and helps me off with my coat. He understands responsibility and commitment. He is the only guy I’ve dated since my divorce with whom I can see having a future. Would I have dated him ten years ago when I was 40? Probably not.

  23. 23

    Why wouldn’t you have dated him when you were 40 PortiaOnline?

  24. 24

    @ Heather #20

    Isn’t the response in the Outsourcing/Illegal immigration debate always “because they’ll take the jobs Americans are unwilling to do”. In the future, even Americans won’t be “Made in the USA” anymore.

  25. 25
    Anette C

    Am I allowed to be offended by the guy that chooses to “date” and “have some fun” but then expects women so much younger than him, to hook up with him and start breeding once he hits his “I’m now stable” stage? What happened to behaving with a bit of maturity and self-restraint when you are younger? What happened to thinking things through?

    It’s letters like this, that make me lose my faith in men. Actually, it makes me lose my faith in people a little bit.

    I’ve realized, that at 36, kids may not happen for me. I also realize, that even if I craved them, no man I meet is going to want to be seen as the “father” of my kids before he’s ready or even willing to make that decision. If I want some-one lovely in my life, I have to accept that kids may simply not be on the agenda. If I really wanted to, I could have one on my own. So no pressure on the guys, and just get to know them slowly.

    But when I read this stuff from guys, I think, how self-absorbed is he?

    Thankfully I know some really great younger men, who have had families young and although they do believe they may have made a mistake in their choice in partner, they are working on it and are absolutely dedicated to their children and their partners lives. Some of my younger male friends, do give me back some of my faith in men and people overall and I hope their marriages prevail.

    I probably shouldn’t be, but I’m really disgusted by this guys attitude. He wanted his cake, and wanted to eat it too…and doesn’t spare a thought for the women, who may have wanted children and still do, but are running out of time. You know, those women who were once young enough to have kids, but met men that just couldn’t make that commitment. He wants a breeder who will do things his way. Harsh, but that’s the way I see it.

    1. 25.1

      Offended? Really? Self Absorbed? I think you are viewing it from your own biased viewpoint.
      I completely understand his dilemma. And I empathize. I am 48 and in the same boat, luckily I look 38 and can get away with it. But the truth is, Annette, I couldn’t have a fmily in my late 20s or even 30s as I was still a struggling business owner and barely took care of myself. Now that my trees are bearing fruit for the last 5-8 years I have been searching without getting to the end result.
      Sometimes “play” because we know we can’t “pay” just yet.
      Is that so bad?

      1. 25.1.1

        Absolutely, it’s irresponsible.

    2. 25.2

      ??? I don’t understand, just because a woman is in her 40′w doesn’t mean she’s dead, and her child barring days are finito! my aunt had her last child at 40, my mothers best friend had her last child at 44, healthy. What is wrong with you people, and american society as a whole with the youth forever crap? the fact is you’ll have children when the LORD wants you to.

      Men and woman in countries like south/central america, africa,asia, and the middle east most have their children very late. It’s only in the united states that puts caps on child barring age, which is idiotic. Get over yourselves, also to woman in their 20′s early 30′s, you’ll be in your 40′s soon, and you’ll thank back to the days when you wouldn’t date a man in his 40′s. By the way, once you hit 18-21 the years begin to pass super fast, and before you know it, you’ll be that late 30-42 year old looking for love and someone to start a family with.

      The fact is, most late 30′s and 40 somethings didn’t have many relationships and children early on because they didn’t want to just have children by just anyone, they didn’t want to be fast asses and rush into a relationship. I am not 40 but I do love older women, and yes I would settle down with and older woman, 5-10 years older isn’t a huge gap as some are trying to make it seem.

      1. 25.2.1
        Michael Stewart

        one can always adopt

        1. brenda be

          Adoption is very much a second choice.

  26. 26

    PortiaOnline (#22) said what I want to say but didn’t know how to put it!!! Hahaha…

    Yes. People nowadays have the sequence the other way round. Kids are the testimony of love between a couple. Having kids should not be the ultimate purpose of a relationship. So, the aim should be the find the right person first.

  27. 27

    Foreign chicks are cute but you cant talk to them.

    1. 27.1
      The Fleecer

      So true, I’ve gone on dates with a couple but we had nothing in common.  I want a woman I can relate to.

    2. 27.2

      @ 27 -
      I did have a brief relationship with a foreigner.  VERY handsome man, but he started acted flakey as soon as I agreed to be his girlfriend.  However, even if he didn’t act like a flake, I do wonder how things would have worked out.  Communication was difficult.  I had trouble gauging his emotions due to his accent, his voice was very low & soft pitch wise, so I had to struggle just to hear him, and even when I could hear him, understanding was difficult because of pronounciation or sentence syntax.  Also, at times he seemed to understand me very well, but when it was convenient for him to NOT understand me, somehow he didn’t.  Also, seemed to work in the other way to, his speech would get heavier accented when he was telling me something that he knew I wouldn’t like, yet he could speak clearly to say things most women would like to hear.  (Sort of how some men mumble or grunt if they have to tell you what you don’t want to hear)  So I really couldn’t tell if he was passively-aggressively erecting “language barriers” when convenient, or if the language/culture barrier was real.  Any way, looking back at the brief relationship, I must admit, I responded to his pursuit of me, pretty much because I found him extremely handsome.
      I did briefly date another foreigner, but he lived in the states over 20 years, and although he had an accent, he was easy to hear and understand, and his English was extremely good, no language barrier at all.   He was actually quite handsome,  seemed to be really into me, but for some reason, I wasn’t that attracted to him.  I have a few theories for why I wasn’t attracted to him, but I’m not really sure why I wasn’t.

  28. 28

    Not that I care about that so much-but I mean about anything!

  29. 29

    “Foreign chicks are cute but you cant talk to them.” – Joe #27

    You know, I’ve wondered about this too. For those of you who have watched “Love Actually,” you’ll recall that the men fell in love either with foreign women who couldn’t speak to them, or women who had such a different career (tea girl vs. prime minister) that you had to wonder what they would ever TALK about if they got into a long-term relationship.

    So it is in real life as well… there a LOT of white men falling for foreign women (especially Asians) who don’t speak English very well but are very cute.

    Do men just not care about language and other verbal barriers when it comes to finding a mate? I’m not judging one way or the other; I’m just wondering, because it seems so strange, and I’d like to hear others’ perspectives.

    1. 29.1

      Helen, I grew up in Europe and speak 3 languages including English. I would not date someone whom I do not understand even if she is cute. (I would probably learn her language because there is no working relationship without communication. I am in the same boat as the original writer. I’ll turn 41 this year. I look a lot younger, I am fit, have a good job. I am not looking for a 25 year old, they are immature, sometimes if I open the door or pull out the chair for them they look surprised, they do not get it. Obviously looking for somebody older, mid 30′s maybe. I think finding someone 5 years younger than me is a realistic goal. However I have zero luck even though I live in the Chicago area where one would think opportunity is everywhere. i tend to agree with some of comments here that said women in their mid 30′s just do not want to date anyone “whose age starts with a 4″. I do not discriminate based on race or having children because I adopt to these thing easily being quite open minded but the age thing is stuck in my head. My experience supports this theory too. I’ve met a lady who was 33 coming out of a marriage, having 2 children. I did not care about her hispanic background either. I was madly in love with her and did not see these as an issue. She loved me too but it got complicated and she broke it off. We both cried a lot and still miss each other but for some reason it had to be over. I have not been able to make such a deep connection with anyone but I know I can only be with someone I love as much as her. So this narrows down the search to a very thin margin. Finding love has nothing to do with age – even if we take into consideration – it is more like getting lucky. I am just not being one.

  30. 30

    Men have to move along with the reality that has changed a long time ago now. I think men still follow stereotypes that are no longer valid. And, yes, they sometimes do tend to view things from the perspective of their wishes. The culture conditions them to do so. I think men aim too high when it comes to women’s looks and age. There are simply not enough hot 25 year old women to go around for all the men that desire them. And there won’t be because less girls are being born. And the ones in their 20s and even 30s have choices.
    I am 32, good looking (not hot, just cute) and do not wish to be with an older man, quite the opposite, I desire younger men. I had a relationship with a man 13 years my senior when I was 19. But from then on, the men were my age, a couple of years older or younger. The problem was, even the older man did not want to have kids (he had had one already). I had long term relationships but the guys didn’t want to have kids back when I was 23-25. They just wanted the good sex and the hot meal. Just like many guys in their early 30s. I used to think that I’m different than other women because I wasn’t physically attracted to older men (unless they’re Viggo Mortensen who is 50 but unfortunately they’re not). I was raised by a young dad (he was 21 when my parents had me, mom being a bit older). I have always desired virile men in the age group of 19-30. But I also like softer, more tolerant guys, the so called beta males, and it’s the younger ones who tend to be like that because they appreciate independent women. As a woman, I desire a few things that are not traditional, but alas, the reality has long since changed and ppl haven’t come to terms with it. I have my own money (there never was another choice but to work and pay my own bills). So I desire other things – good looks, youthfulness, caring, attentiveness, ‘father’ potential (not a highly paid Sunday dad but someone who will atually raise the kid, Dad with the capital D). His wallet is not my priority. And it is not always the older guy who is more stable and secure. I know a lot of guys in their mid-late 20s that are in committed relationships and have already had kids. And then there are many guys aged 35 who are still “sleeping’, being ultra picky, looking for the bestest of the bestest. I know that they want the hot 23-27 year old (who makes her own money preferably). Well, they set themselves up for loads of competition because those women are desired by thousands of men in the age range between 21-60 (both rich and poor).
    It is sad. I wish I was attracted to older guys (some of them are really neat). But I just can’t help it when I see a handsome 25-27 year old, I am simply enchanted!
    Also, I dislike the attitude of older guys towards older women or women their own age. Hei, I will be old some day too – they will not get a piece of me for putting down my older sisters!
    What is interesting I notice some other women who are actually similar to me.. I thought I was an exception… they claim they like older and ‘smart’ but in the end looks do matter to them and so does the age..
    I’m actually considering staying single or having the kid on my own as the extreme choice.. but thankfully there are many good guys out there.
    Guys, don’t be sleeping through out your 20s and 30s.. where is your commitment at that age? Sperm quality and men’s fecundity drops too with age… and to the Western guys who think they will import a much younger wife, alright you might, but I come from one of those ‘poor’ countries in Eastern Europe and I do love Western men a lot.. but – not my dad’s age! And not even 10 years older, sorry.

    1. 30.1

      Im exactly like . I am 32 and I am just attracted to men under 30 and I can’t and I don’t want to change my desire.I expend many years going to graduate school and studying and I want good looking young man in retune .I want my childern have a young father. I think when you have  money  you must be crazy to date and marry expired men. thanks to science  now a day we have slots of time to get pregnant. 

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