How Come Everyone I Want to Meet Online Isn’t Interested in Me?

A blonde young woman with an old man

I haven’t found a solution for this. How does a 56 year old man find a good younger woman that would be interested in marriage and willing to have children by him? She would need to be 36 to 38. Most good sites line me up with the 50 year olds and most 36 year olds tend to think I’m a dirty old man.   I know that such a person exists but can’t find a good avenue to find her. I am fairly well to do and well educated.


Thank you, Dale, for acknowledging a few very common truths from the world of online dating.

You’re a successful older man who wants to date a woman significantly younger than him.

Websites generally attempt to pair singles with matches who are demographically similar.

Most 36-year-old women think you’re a dirty old man.

Now you’re going to get the same song and dance as every other guy who has written to complain about women on the Internet. I’m going to put you in HER shoes.

So let’s say you’re a 36-year-old woman, entering the prime of your life. You’re done with the bar scene and you’re very much interested in settling down to have a family of your own. How do you set your search criteria? Well, if you’re born in 1971, you’re part of Generation X. You went to high school in the 80’s. Your friends are buying their first houses and having their first kids. You probably want something that looks similar. So you search for men 35-45. Yeah, 45 is a little old, you say, but you want to be open-minded. Maybe he’ll still be vigorous enough to keep up with your active lifestyle.

And then you, the 36-year-old woman, post your profile, and what happens? You get BOMBARDED by emails from fifty and sixty something Baby Boomers looking to trade up in the world. You double check your profile to see if there’s something you wrote that’s attracting these older men. You remove that reference to Steely Dan. You cut how you want to travel in style. Yet these men keep on writing — talking about how they’re young for their age, how they’d love to have children, how they have everything in life except a good younger woman.

If you’re 36, you’re pretty darned confused by these emails. By the time you have your first child, you’ll be 38 or 39. Which will make him, what? 58 or 59? By the time the kid is in high school, Dad will be 74! That’s not the kind of life you imagined for yourself or your children. So you politely decline. Or, to keep things simple, you ignore. And ignore. And ignore. It doesn’t stop older men from writing, but at least you don’t have to explain yourself to a man who doesn’t want to hear your perfectly valid explanation.

Understand, Dale, there is nothing wrong with you being attracted to a fertile and youthful woman in her 30’s. Really. I’m not judging you. But you must understand that any woman you desire online has choices. Lots and lots of choices.

She can go out with a cute, successful man who is 35. Or 40. Or 45. Or 50. Are you getting the idea? This does not mean that you’re not a great guy with a ton to give and the purest intentions. It’s that you’re failing to recognize what most younger women want. A peer. A partner. Not a father figure. You’re still wrapped up in what YOU want.

Needless to say, this goes for ALL people who are dating online. … We want what WE want, even if what we want is unrealistic. We’re all so dazzled by looks and youth that we pass up amazing people who are a much better fit. Who are you going to have more in common with? The woman who graduated high school in the same year as you? Or the woman who could be your daughter?

“I can’t help what I’m attracted to,” say all of my clients — both male and female. And hey, I don’t blame them. I do know, however, that as long as they close their minds to dating people who are age-appropriate, they’re really going to struggle with online dating.

I know you were looking for advice, Dale, so I don’t want to leave you without it. As I see it, you have three options. One, sign up with one of those successful men/younger women sites. At least you know that a woman on MillionaireMatch might be more willing to sacrifice youth for security.

Next, since you can’t convince someone to date an older man, stop trying. To find out who IS interested, try’s Reverse Match. Instead of searching through hundreds of thirtysomething women who wouldn’t give you a second look, Reverse Match shows you who IS open to dating a 56-year-old man. There’ll be fewer numbers, but at least you won’t be wasting your time.

Finally, I implore you to give older women a shot. There are a lot of amazing ones out there and they are criminally underappreciated.

Let’s just hope that they don’t discriminate against men their own age.


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  1. 1

    This is so true, and it doesn’t stop in the 30s, either. I’ll be 42 in a couple of weeks, and in two years of online dating, I’d say about 70% of the people who write to me are fifty and over, often MUCH over. I think the record so far is the 74-year-old who said he could have his daughter pick him up at the nursing home and bring him into the city if I were willing to meet for coffee. I wish I were joking about that.

    Your last line is telling, though, and hints at the broader trend. I absolutely want to date someone age-appropriate. Unfortunately, it seems that all the men my age only want much younger women, which leaves me with the 20-somethings who think “MILF” is an appropriate subject line and write messages about being “into older women,” and the aforementioned geriatric (or borderline) set. The middle is one big desert.

    If everyone is looking downstream, age-wise (except the few who have a “kink” for older types), where does that leave those of us who really are looking for a peer? Does this mean I’m only focusing on what I want? Should I adjust my objectives to what the market has to offer? This question is exactly why I’m on a dating hiatus at the moment, since I just can’t bring myself to seek out a much older man, or play the cougar.

    1. 1.1

      Amen sister.

      1. 1.1.1

        Online dating is not the answer.   it is just convenient.         I couldn’t get women
        interested  in me.       You have to actually meet someone in person and talk to them to get a real sense if both o f you are attracted and interested in each other.     Be older, younger or the same age bracket.        I am  in my 50’s and by chance met a woman who right away was interested in me and I in her.         I went forward first with phone chats  and then meeting  in person and truly getting  a sense of each other by interacting, going places and experiencing each other and chemistry   present when two people are near each other.       I do not carry a list of requirements and instead explore getting to know someone where we both sense each other as a good lead to follow up on.     Developing the relationship takes time and much communication in the mist of trying to be vulnerable and not retreat and walk away.         I am happy to say, we have grown to really like and trust each other.     We continue to talk, meet and commit to really see where a relationship can go.     Only time will tell.      

        1. Emma

          Younger woman are interested in older men, and in my opinion Leif just proved it! Not saying because of his experience.. The woman could be his own age. I say it because of how he is. Older men are a lot calmer and have more patience where as the guys my age expect everything to be instant! I’m 28 and prefer men who are a lot older. So, Dale.. There is hope. 🙂

        2. Shawna

          Emma, Ew, gross. Speak for yourself. Most women want a man their own age. That’s statistical fact. That’s just perpetrating a negative stereo-type from the Dark Ages. Don’t settle for old, dirty men and they’re insecure, waning sexual invisibility. Let’s see how ‘cool and calm’ these men are when you start hanging with your good-looking, young male friends.

        3. Tungneng

          I am never successed with dating site too..sso tired for that..may just try live alone byself.

          Thanks you.

        4. Don


          What’s your problem?   Everybody gets old and one day you’ll be in the same boat of all the criticisms you lay forward, unless of course you just hate men which is pretty clear you do.   You probably didn’t realize you criticize stereo types and then lay one down for yourself.

          Now, the truth about many older men (50+) if you are quite right, we love younger women.   Sorry but blame it on nature.   Most women say in their early to even mid twenties probably agree that a man in his early 50s is disgusting.

          But some younger women (enough of them) prefer much older men and don’t care because that’s just what they’re more comfortable with meaning that it’s easier for them to cum with an older man, and to feel highly valued.   That’s something you don’t understand.

          You call it “dirty” but the fact is who gets better sex?   The young woman who gets a guy her own age, or the young girl who gets ravaged in bed?   What you call “dirty” we call good.   So these younger woman who prefer older men they get a lot more out of the deal.   They get stability, good sex, and they don’t have to hang around that goofy age group all the time of young people who really for the most part are just plain stupid when it comes to life, they don’t know anything.

          The only thing most youth know is they want good sex.   And I submit to you that you don’t even know what that is, you may never know what that is, and if you ever do find out what it’s like, it probably won’t be until you’re 50+ and then with a much older man who will then be your age.

          You’d be surprised, but these young women, like Emma, have a huge one up not only on you but also in life because they knew what was good for them, and what life could really offer that they know they could not find in a “boy” her own age.

        5. Buck25

          @ Shawna,

          Gee whiz, you know that would make me feel so insecure with as an older man…except for one little thing. See, I’ve talked with some older women, late forties, fifties, who have had flings with some of your “good looking, young male friends” They didn’t seem too envious of you younger girls, having those lads; plenty of stamina, but a lamentable tendency to shoot too quick, selfish in bed, and not so very knowledgeable about how to really turn a woman on, they said. Now since I’ve also had a few little flings with women in your presumed age group, I can kinda understand why those older gals said what they did, cause if those boys are as sexually inept, inhibited, unimaginative, and uneducated, not to mention insecure, as a lot of women in your age group….I think you deserve each other, and personally I wouldn’t want to interfere. As for your little taunt, takes a pretty insecure woman, projecting her own insecurities on older (and wiser) men to think that would produce any effect beyond mild amusement.

        6. JP

          Outstanding and motivating… I also applaude the patient, communication-based pacing of your relationship as well instead of rushing in physically like we all did in our youth. Happiness to you both!

      2. 1.1.2


        Do yourself a favor and don’t let the older man not enter the dating picture with you. I lost a husband who died after we were married 26 years. He was nine years older. Lost the next one who was 16 years older and we were married 14 years. My latest and I were both old old when we met on the Internet when when he was 87 and I was 80. Marvelous 5 year marriage when he died last April.

        I am looking only for a good male friend now because I am too involved in
        a project for seniors where they will be able to afford the retirement facility I am hoping to provide for them. I am actually “hooked” on this project and even at 85 I work usually anywhere from 6 to 14 hours a day because someone needs to help them but those people are finding that helping them would not produce sufficient profits for them, the Investor or Lender.
        A gentleman somewhere between 72 and above who is still interested in staying active, interested in “living” and not just “existing.” I don’t stay busy with women’s groups or clubs of any kind. If a project is not started just to benefit others it becomes work for me and of no interest. Don’t get the idea that I am Miss Goody Two-Shoes; however, I guess I can’t think of a name I would rather be called unless it is a Christian.

      3. 1.1.3

        Other than the obvious of younger people being seen as more beautiful and vibrant, there is a major reason why men prefer younger women at any age. If you truly listen to what most women tell you they want in a man, regardless of age, they want financial security. Not only financial security today but they want someone that projects the possiblitly of even more financial security in the future. Even women of significant means rarely get involved with men who have less financial resources than they do. What does this do to a man’s thinking? He says, if I have to financially support all these women I may date or marry it, I might as well get something out of it. Hench, our tendency to seek younger women. If it costs me the same financially, sorry but younger women have more upside. Yes, this is a rather shallow way of thinking. But, no less shallow than the majority of women expecting men to provide their financial freedom rather than being happy earning it themselves, and marrying and otherwise great guy.

        1. Hidi

          I agree 100%. I’m 49 and have just got divorced after 22 years with my ex-wife who is 47. I have been the breadwinner throughout our relationship and when times were economically tough she would be unpleasant and demanding. I was treated like a possession that had to deliver her lifestyle needs and loving attention or else. About a year ago I met a very attractive and intelligent 22 year old woman at work who sought me for the financial security I could provide. I cheated on my wife with her, so my ex-wife divorced me. Now I am seeking a young partner who does not take me for granted and appreciates what I have to offer.

        2. pat

          This is a bit ridiculous.   I’m in my early thirties and my boyfriend of 2.5 years is about 5 years younger than me.   We met in grad school (I went back to school after working for a bit) and both of us have a pile of debt and aren’t financially secure at all, although we plan to marry each other.   Most of my friends married their classmates in their mid to late 20s and also lacked financial security before making that commitment.   My friends and I don’t look at our men as breadwinners or meal tickets – we look at them as our best friends.   Men that we can build our lives together with.


          I actually had plenty of older, successful men interested in me throughout my years of dating, but they didn’t interest me beyond a few dates.   There’s often a reason why men over 35 aren’t married (just as there is with women).   I would rather date a financially insecure man of my own age or younger that doesn’t have “issues” or hangups and less baggage than a financially secure older man with issues.


          So no, not all women prize money over everything – I am testament to that, as are my friends.   In fact, I actually don’t know any young women that have married significantly older, richer men.   I can’t imagine it is that common, as the average heterosexual marriage in the US has a 4 year age gap.


          So if you have superficial criteria for dating, please don’t project that on to the rest of us.   Not all of us are that shallow!

        3. pat

          I’m sorry, I need to correct how I phrased something.   The majority of marriages in the US are WITHIN a 4 year age gap.

        4. suse

          that’s not correct ken, if you could generalise like that and say that all women want financial security then older men would have NO problem finding younger women!   But the fact that they do find it difficult proves actually that women value (and prioritise) other things over financial security.    I am 45 and I would consider a man of fifty still five years older than I am.   So a 35 year old is definitely going to notice that age gap.   I’ve my own house.   I should put that on my profile I think.    One man age 60 reprimanded me for not dating him because he wasn’t rich.   I couldn’t believe that he would focus on that, rather than the 15 year age gap!

        5. ScottH

          Unfortunately, what Ken says does happen sometimes (the bit about women expecting men to provide financial freedom rather than being with an otherwise great guy).   I’ve seen it happen.   Not all women are like that, but some are.   They will get what they deserve….

        6. MNRC

          I have to chime in  with what Pat says. I am 40 and finishing up grad school in computer science. I know I can find a good job, so financial security is not a critical issue for me. I prefer to find a guy who has a decent job and career who can be a good friend and partner. Chances are a guy like that is close to my age and we are in the same place in life facing similar challenges. Of course, in my dating adventures I always come across much younger guys who are very attractive and I will dally with them for a little while before going back to my search for Mr. Husband 😉

    2. 1.2

      Dawn, what do you consider age appropriate? You mentioned most of the men contacting you being 50 and older, as if 50 was a bad thing. I would say that at 42, up to 54 is age appropriate. yes, 54 being the upper limit, or close to it.

      I have found by discussing this with nearly every guy I know that men for the most part ARE attracted to women who are younger. Now some, like Dale, are unrealistic about that, and I would argue, not really thinking clearly.

      Also, I would note that on most of the online dating sites, most women are doing one of three things. They either go equal both sides of their age, like if she is 36, she will go 30 to 42. Others will go about 3 years older, to about 12 years younger, and the final group will go from their exact age to 10 to 15 years younger. This shows a clear preference for younger men. Welcome to Unrealityville. All I can say is good luck. Men have not changed. We still prefer women our age or younger. So what women are doing is simply reducing the pool of men that they will potentially match up with.

      Thanks to the internet, the men of this country are not a captive audience. More and more are turning to women from other countries. I hear women here use all kinds of stereotypes to comfort themselves, such as saying that men just want a subservient woman. Wrong. First that is a stereotype that isn’t true of those women. Here is a western woman living in the Orient explaining hos living there opened her eyes as to why western like Asian women. Note that she never says subservient. It’s only about 1:30 long.

      Here’s a western man…American…living there explaining why he finds them attractive. Note that he never mentions being subservient, but he does give a whole lot of other reasons.

      What I will say first is that I have been talking with women both in South America, such as Brazil, and also women in the Orient. Women from Brazil that have been here tell me that they find the attitude of women here appalling, and also note that it seemed cold here between men and women. They all tell me that one thing that really stood out to them was how so many couples walk around without touching…no hand holding, etc…

      Both women from South America and he Orient tell me that they notice a huge lack of respect for men when they come here.

      So should it really come as a surprise that more and more men are turning to other countries?


      1. 1.2.1

        Oh rusty! The times have changed and you have to accept that. Also any man looking for foreign women usually find them in developig countries- as in they (the women)   are desperate and need that golden ticket to the US. Women nowadays have power and men such as yourself do not want to accept that.   I find that if you’re a male or female dating someone who is old enough to be your child, it’s just wrong and gross. I mean what woman/man in her/his 20’s or 30’s   would want a 40+ saggy body? It’s unnatural!

        1. RustyLH

          LOL Cathie, you are very uniformed and full of tired debunked cliches. Many foreign brides do not come from 3rd world countries. Even those that do often live decent lives there because they are educated, and have access to the internet, and because they are educated, many know English. Many on these sites want an American husband but want us to move there, such as the 40 year old federal prosecutor in Brazil, or the 41 year old woman in China who has a real estate business.

          Most marriages of this type survive much longer than marriages between two Americans.

          I don’t have any issues with woman having power, but it seems you have a problem with men still having power. Also, I find that most American women who have an issue with younger women dating older men really have, at heart, an issue with it because of the perceived power structure they believe will exist. They believe that the older man will exert power over the younger women. That’s actually not even close to true in most cases.

          But you are very right. Times are changing. Lisa has been showing outdated percentages of marriages with a 5+ and 10+ age difference from 2006 but the numbers from 2012 show that those numbers have doubled. Nearly 1/4 of all marriages have an age difference of 5+ years. and 10.5% have a difference of 10+ years. 1/10th is not an insignificant amount.

          I really am not bothered by what anyone here thinks because I know what my own life is like. The truth is, my preference is up to about 12 years younger, but I get the most attention from women under that age. I have had women in their early 20’s to early 30’s very aggressively pursue a relationship with me. So the truth is, I could care less if they were the only women that do this…that is my reality…and then there is the fact that I know many men that also have that reality.

        2. Evan Marc Katz

          Enough, Rusty. We got the point. You like younger women. You can get younger women.

        3. RustyLH

          You may get it but it seems most do not and most here seem to be deluding themselves as to the reality. Nearly 1 in 4, to 1 in 5 marriages involve a man being older by 5+ years. Thus it is wise for women to rethink their prejudice against a guy say, 7 to 8 years older. Sheesh, when she’s 42 and he’s 50, that nothing. 26 and 18, yeah, that’s different, and the 26 year old would be wise to rethink marriage because at 18, she hasn’t a clue who she is or what she wants. Divorce is very likely.

          It seems to me you give out solid advice, at least most of the time…solid enough that any woman who chooses to learn from it should be able to solve her problems with men, because in all likelihood, her problems have more to do with her default attitude toward men. That is impossible to keep hidden for long.

        4. Tuff

          saggy old body my arse.   I’ll kick your saggy fanny all over 1 5k   10 k half marathon, course any day of the week and I am 60.   On a regular basis I leave people 20-20 years my junior miles behind. Take your sterotype an shove it.

        5. alexis

          Exactly Cathie!

        6. John

          Women nowadays have power and men such as yourself do not want to accept that.

          That’s part of the problem in America. Women today are abandoning their roles as house wifes and  want to be like men, thanks to the feminist movement. They want to earn as much as men, they want the jobs that only men used to do (there’s actually a woman that wants to play in the NFL, hilarious actually), they want to be treated equally, and they’re succeeding at it .

          That’s why the divorce rate in America is over 50% and only climbing.



        7. Evan Marc Katz

          The divorce rate is actually getting lower. Go on: Google it.

        8. Shawna

          So true, Cathy! Brace yourself for the butt-hurt replies of the men that can’t handle a women with a GED

        9. chris

          Women mating with older men has been the norm for our species evolutionary history.

          Hell, men literally take several years longer to reach physical maturity that women evidencing such an evolutionary selective effect.

          Studies on hunter gatherers show that the most fecund mating pairings occur between men and women with a 15 year age gap. Considering that hunter gatherers are the most similar to our species environment of evolutionary adaptiveness that should give you pause about the extent to which evolution would have selected for an older man preference in younger women and a younger woman preference in older men.

          Does that mean women cannot reject older men? No. Does that mean that women can prefer younger men? Sure. But it also means that those women are pursuing maladaptive mating strategies like will likely see their genes depleted from the population.

          For example: 35 year old women in college debt, marries 25 year old man in college debt. They cannot afford o have a child until their forties. They manage to have 1.

          Same 35 year old woman in college debt marries a 50 year old man not in college debt (he paid it off in his forties). They can start having children straight away. They decide to have 2 but could have had 3 or 4.

          The second scenario has increased the genes of the woman in the next generation twofold. Hence her preferences for the older man would be passed on to the next generation twofold.

          The same reasoning applies for other pair matchings.

          Patriarchal mating patterns are adaptive. Matriarchal or non-patriarchal mating patterns are maladaptive. All your attempts to shame Patriarchal forms of social organisation cannot change this basic fact of nature.

        10. Bob

          Which is a funny point. As at 58 and a man the women who are my peers are indeed what you term saggy. While I work out 6 days a weak, can wear suits I have had for years with no alteration, keep my bodyfat % below 20% and well you get the picture. No medicines, no multiple doctors visits. As for your wrong gross point that is a purely cultural and societal view. Hence the fellow in this thread is talking about other cultures where the stigma does not exist.

        11. Buck25

          Excuse me, Cathie, but did someone die, and bequeath you the title of Universal Arbiter of Other People’s Dating Choices? I’m sorry, I didn’t get the memo on that.

          “It’s just wrong and gross”

          Really? According to who exactly? You? Now let me guess, all we awful men should accept this as the universal, all knowing truth because…Cathie said it?   Sorry, not good enough. I tell you what; you tend your own house, I’ll tend mine. Let Dale tend his too. See how much better that works?

        12. David

          That’s bull I’m in my 50s and I’m not saggy. I always took care of people and kids my whole life. I am so good with them. Had some great times. And i wish time was not so fast. I feel 35 right now..It is sad. I was a beautiful baby. And i always thought i would have a beautiful son. I’m in very good shape..i wish i could have a baby now. It really hurts he i can’t believe i am this old already. I cry inside for my own kids. I took care of so many kids that needed someone at the time. I love them so much that i could not turn my back on them. I know i could have kids..but it would be tough i know. I would still give them great years..â¤ðŸ˜

        13. deano

          40 plus and saggy?..i dont know where u live but its def bad on ur guys if thats a 52 years old and dont sag anywhere….at all…

      2. 1.2.2

        Your name is RUSTY ’cause you are not getin any!–HAAHAHHAAAA— Pleeeaaase—me and my friends are in our late 30’s and 40’s and the world is ours–young, middle aged and those that WISH–oh yeah–we all went to grad school w/ those “overseas” chicks your kind  “bought” they now have degrees, USA cit. and NO old dude in a diaper to hold em back!!!–go ahead keep on paying for it!!!

        1. JennLee

          WOW!   Nice personal attack against him.   At least try to use your “grad school education” to write with proper grammar, when you spew your vitriol.
          One would think that if the world really was yours, you wouldn’t need to post on a dating coach’s blog, especially with such a snarky comment.   That kind of post doesn’t reflect true happiness.   Maybe there is something more to the story?   Like maybe an endless supply of younger men, willing to shack up for a short time, but none willing to commit to a long term relationship?
          As the old saying goes, keep doing what you are doing, and you will continue to get the same results.

        2. Buck25


          My, my aren’t you sweet! Now let’s see if you can use that grad school degree (what field did you say that was in, dear?) to be a little more creative and original with the humor, cause aside from being about as mean-spirited as it gets, that post was pretty sophomoric…nahhh, actually I re-read it, and I think “high school” is more the speed here. That was about as fresh and entertaining a bit of insight as a month-old loaf of moldy bread, and soggy to boot. You can’t spell, you definitely can’t write complete sentences or use proper grammar, and you’re …how old again? And the anger! What’s the matter, did one of those “overseas chicks” study while you and your friends were partying a bit too much and screw up the grading curve, or did the little princess get upset because some older guy had the nerve to say hello to you? Oh, and sweetie, I know this will be a shock to your system, but I’m 68, damn proud of it, still have my hair, don’t have a gut, do just fine without Viagra, and don’t need a diaper either. Not that it matters for you, since I only date adult women, which you obviously are not (maturity or calendar-wise).

        3. Jake

          So true! Sadly.

      3. 1.2.3

        Rusty a lot more women are going for younger men because those men are fit and look much better than men your age and over. Plus the younger men have a much better attitude on life and towards women. They are more openminded and have a contemporary mindset that’s refreshing. Older men can be a pain in my personal opinion.

      4. 1.2.4
        Dina Strange

        “lack of respect” – are you aware that respect is earned, not given. regarding all those women being better than american, no-sense. there are plenty of american women who are nice but sick of lazy guys who don’t want to do anything a normal man should such as provide and protect his family, be honest, be loyal, not have a gut at age 40, and sits in bars 24/7, so she then have to deal with his impotency problems.

        i am from a different culture, and had lived in USA for the past 15 years, and i must say blame is on both men and women. women stopped being women because men don’t know how to be men. its a mess overall.

      5. 1.2.5

        Yeah and I notice a huge lack of respect for women in the US.

      6. 1.2.6

        Dear Men,

        Allow me to offer an alternative viewpoint, and not one from anger but from real human fear and heartbreak.  When you pursue a significantly younger lady, how do you make her feel?  Flattered?  Grossed out?  How about…concerned?  I’ll give you one angle: Deep down, if this is your conviction, she will worry that the only thing you value in her is her youth, and when that fades (as it inevitably will), you will abandon her and possibly your own children to free yourself up for the next hot young thing.  It happens.  That is why I don’t bother with the older man even if I may find him attractive.  And yes, some older men ARE attractive!  But more importantly, we all try to avoid heartbreak, and the thought of spending my affections on an older man only to have him dump me when I develop crow’s feet is a real nagging fear when one accepts a relationship with an older man who is clearly on the quest for a much younger woman.  Sure, a younger man MAY abandon me as well, but when a man of a certain age so clearly expresses a preference for youth and youth only, it’s better to take a gamble with an age-appropriate suitor than to hitch myself to a painful certainty.

        Further, if that older man has nieces or daughters my age, what does that say about how he regards them—and by extension, me?  How does that make his daughters/nieces feel?  Through his actions, he tells his daughters in particular that they were not good enough for him to stay with their mother, that their mother was not good enough because of her age, and that they are only worthy of pursuit before a certain age.  Yes, there may be other legitimate reasons as to why the marriage ended; but when he begins to pursue a woman his daughters’ age, the daughters will always wonder if age was the reason.  He tells his daughters that men are selfish, agents of betrayal, and incapable of relating to them with anything beyond a cruel biological imperative.  They then get to grow up with these scars from their daddy—the one who may have taught them to hike and fish, to ride a bike, to throw and catch—the first man in their lives who was supposed to teach them how to love and be loved.  But he fails them in this, he lets them down, the moment they see him woo one of their peers.  To let down his own flesh and blood in this way, that should not be attractive to whomever he decides to date.  Please, men, I implore you to reassess your values and try to be better than this.

        Can’t you see the humanity in this perspective at all?  Don’t you men here realize the cruelty when you argue so fervently that women are worthless, no matter what their experiences or accomplishments, after a certain age?  That you won’t even consider a woman worthy of pursuit, a relationship, or love because of something so arbitrary as a certain birthday?  Because that is what you are telling us here.  That is what you are telling Becca and Cathie.  That is what you are telling me.  That is what you are telling your sisters, your daughters, your mothers.  This hurts.  Please think of us as people and not objects with an expiration date.  Our feelings and emotional needs as human beings won’t disappear when we blow out the candles on our 35th birthday, as much as any of us wishes they would.  We don’t choose our birthdates; please stop holding it against us. 

        And in rebuttal, men may argue, “Well, what about a woman who won’t date a man under a certain height?  A man who has less than a certain net worth?  A man of a certain weight?”  That problem is in a similar vein.  Cold, harsh cut-offs; unbending criteria; unwillingness to tread a path to connection because of prejudice.  This goes for both genders.  People are not items to be marketed and bought and sold.  A relationship is not about how much you can get out of it by anothers’ expense.  Soften your approach.  Date outside of your box.  Treat each other better.  Better people make better relationships.

        Personally, I would rather die alone by my own choice than be left abandoned and betrayed because of my age.

        Sincerely and with love, 
        A “younger” female who wants to be cherished for the right reasons

    3. 1.3

      I’m turning 30 soon and I don’t want to play nursemaid to a guy in his 50s who will probably have a stroke or heart attack within a week Or has to use tons of Viagra!  

      1. 1.3.1

        I am 57 almost 58 belong to a gym work out everyday DO NOT NEED VIAGRA and my wife tells me I am sexually satisfying in every way! I drive a nice car own 2 houses and have 2 pensions and treat my wife like a queen! She still thinks i am a pain in the ass! You definitely need a wake up call you probably date a guy in his 30’s that takes you for granted do not knock us older guys we know how to treat women right!

        Priya you sound very self-centered wait till you get older then maybe you will respect older men! Shag the cabana boy? Date a 50 + guy for money? You must be a hot 10?!

        1. Awkward

          No Don, you do NOT know how to treat a woman right. I dated nothing but older men and I was treated like garbage, cheated on, ect. It was horrible. And to top it off, men your age aren’t anything in bed. I’m sorry to say. I hate to embarrass your age group of men but you are such bad trolls. This is just my personal opinion.

        2. JennLee


          Yes, it is just your personal opinion, and not one shared by myself, or other women I personally know who will date men up to 12, maybe 15 years older. In fact, our experience makes us wonder why these men cheated you so badly. In our experience, older men treat us better, maybe because they know they have to. They are aware of the younger competition.

          Good and bad men exist in every age range. So ask the question, why is it that while they should have been motivated to treat you better, you only seemed to be able to attract the older guys who are jerks?

        3. pat

          Maybe your wife loves your 57 year old self so much because you AGED TOGETHER?   She got to meet and fall in love with you when you were younger, more handsome, more wide-eyed.   Women in their 20s and 30s don’t want to marry men in their 50s. We’d like to be with men in their 50s, when WE are in OUR 50s.   Lol.

        4. Mary

          No fool like an old fool. Men over 50 are positively delusional. Most are bald which is absolutely revolting, have huge stomachs and can’t even see their own equipment. Why any woman would want to date somebody whose skin is hanging with no hair is beyond me unless they need their rent paid… I am 30 and do not have one friend who is dating a man more than three years older than her….ewwwww!

        5. Nicole


          Why are you on this thread if you are married?

      2. 1.3.2

        Don’t get involved with an old man. Find someone your own age please, or you will regret it.

    4. 1.4


      1. 1.4.1
        Karmic Equation


        You have the same power in a relationship as a woman. You can divorce your wife if you’re that unhappy.

        Please don’t type in ALL CAPS. Hurts the eyes.

      2. 1.4.2
        Alpha Bat

        How older men think is different from how the younger generation thinks.

        Although I do agree that people can sometimes learn something from their elders (depending on the elder), I would rather talk to older women to learn how things have changed for women over the years. A lot of younger women are going to feel creeped out by older men giving them attention. Even if it is innocent,  most of the time it is not.

        Would you  feel the same way about going out with younger men?  Wanting to have younger -women- to meet and hang with is suspicious.

      3. 1.4.3

        I am 37 years old and take very good care of myself. I don’t look my age now and want to make top sure, I don’t look my age the closer I get to my 50s. I appreciate older men and only dated them…from a large to small age-gap. I’ve dated 3 men old enough to be my dad and that wasn’t because of money. I’m educated, have an amazing career, and LOVE my independence. I’m not for sale.   To me, anyone that’s a good person should have the opportunity to meet another good person and not be discriminated against because of age. I did feel however, we didn’t have anything in common worth building on. I always felt these way older gentlemen were just thrilled alone with having a very young hot babe by their side. Even their friends asked me to set them up with my friends. All 3 men have offered me money and were quick to   bring up sex. This is way you all get labeled as dirty old men. There’s no maturity in that and honestly, it’s gross behavior. Apparently Older doesn’t mean wiser! It was like they reverted back to HS. I believe men who deliberately seek much younger women ARE too immature to be at the age they are and should realize…95% of the time, much younger women will not wholeheartedly be interested in you unless they have an ulterior motive…take it from a good person who earnestly have it a try and wanted nothing more than to get to know them. Love happens in all places, but to limit your horizons to give your ego a boost and live a fantasy, you’re sadly off thinking it’ll work for the right reasons. Women in their 50s are not like they were before. Many of them look darn better than younger women! Appreciate that! Women are beautiful regardless of age, so stop being little boys and limiting yourselves. By the way, I’ve felt most comfortable and have had the best relationships with men who were 1-6 years older than me. It’s just a better fit. I wish you all well and an open mind.

        1. BrooklynNycStar

          Sorry for the typos lol. I posted from my phone..darn that auto correct haha.

    5. 1.5

      Dawn, i understand your point clearly, the thing with most men these days is that, they only look for a young attractive woman, don’t know why but think that’s their choice

    6. 1.6

      Online dating in the USA is a waste of time for most men were we are often called losers, needy, desperate, and creeps for things out of are control.
      1. Demographics: >40 things improved for men as the male female ratios start to balance out unfortunately most men prefer younger women.

      2. This informal study done on Ok Cupid shows how much of a waste of time online dating is for most men. The least attractive women out of the 5 received 11 responses in 4 months more then the 3rd, 4th, 5th men combined. Even the 2nd most attractive man received 12 responses compared to the 3rd most attractive woman ( 76 )…check it out here:

    7. 1.7

      I experienced the exact same thing. My same-age ex, at 42, found a 29 year old to live with. Meanwhile, every man over 55 was after me. I refused to date them. But years later as a single woman I am thinking: should I be identifying with my ex’s girlfriend instead of my ex?   I mean, she settled for someone 13 years older. By the time she’s 42 he’ll be 55 – the age of the men I’ve been rejecting. So like you I ask myself, should I adjust my objectives? Only the lucky few who have 50-year happy marriages with their first and only loves, will get to sleep with age-mates when they’re old.

      1. 1.7.1

        I think age, within limits, should be secondary to the other person’s personality and values and how well you get along.

        I am a very fit 53 and even though I would never date a 20 or 30 year old, I would have no problem with dating someone from 40 to 60.

    8. 1.8
      Aaron Levi

      No one really  wants to date 42 year old woman. A few 20 something might want to practice on you because they are in the ‘re-cycling mood’ but even they are reluctant and lets face it a twenty year old guy will stick his schwantz into the vacuum cleaner so you shouldn’t feel flattered.

      The older guys (60-80)  who are writing to you want   20 year old    girl friend too but obviously they cannot afford them, so they have to settle   for you. Water always  finds its own level the Rebbe used to say and your pool my dear is stagnant.

      1. 1.8.1

        Hmmm, all this media stuff about what men and women want. The truth is that meeting the right person is a rare event, and with online dating, just as real life you have to meet a lot of people before you meet someone special unless you’re lucky.

        My experience of online dating has been an eye opener. I’m 48 and mostly approached by men who look older (and frankly, in less better shape) than my 75 year old dad!

        As Evan Marckatz says, why would I go out with a guy who’s far less attractive? I.e. far less thoughtful, articulate, fit, nice looking, intelligent, educated or cultured than me? It just doesn’t work like that since people tend to go for someone of equal charisma. Unless he’s stinking rich and I was the sort of woman who’d trade sex for money/house/stuff/bling because I haven’t got any skills or talents to call my own, or am too lazy to make something of myself beyond presenting a pretty face and cleavage!

        Thankfully I’m not that woman. In real life I meet better standards of men, I just haven’t found the right one in recent years. I definitely get hit on by good looking men 15 years or more younger (sorry to those guys here who say men don’t fancy women in their 40s!) most recently a male model. I assume they are just seeking sex. Though more recently a 15 yrs younger guy I’ve been friends with for several years has spoken openly with me about having   a relationship because he’s always fancied me. I said I’m attracted too but he’d be best finding someone his own age as he’ll no doubt want kids, also that I deeply value the friendship and would be scared of messing it up. He saw my point but still fancies me, which is   nice. I still fancy him too, but I can handle myself, even when he crashes at my house overnight! He’s not some out of control idiot either, so I wouldn’t say that younger people are all less experienced or savvy about life. It depends on experience.

        I’m not demanding or unrealistic, I would just rather be single than be with someone I find lacking in some ways who wouldn’t be right for something long term, because surely that would be a misery for all involved.

        Having said all that, I know two women personally of around 50 who’ve met attractive, lovely men online the same age as them, they just persevered. They’ve been with these guys for several years, so it does happen. These are not women with model looks either, they’re attractive, independent, caring, healthy women in their middle age with good jobs etc. I was impressed with their guys, it’s an inspiration that it does happen!

        The way some men talk here, it’s as though they find it difficult to see women as anything more than a piece of meat that’s either fresh or past its sell-by date. You’ve probably watched too much porn. Get a life!

      2. 1.8.2

        You could still get my 56 year old ex. He’s bragging about dating a 40 year old.

      3. 1.8.3

        I think you meant to post this on Return of Kings.   Sp mean-spirited.

    9. 1.9

      Some men are not realistic. They actually think that they can get someone so young it won’t work in the real world or online. It does happen (very rarely), I know us women also think that men in the 20s-30s are the best too, but I wouldn’t want one, because their life experience is also young, you would get sick of it. I’m looking to be with someone close to my age, and when I see myself as ‘oh no, ive aged’ I think so what so have you.

    10. 1.10

      My life.

    11. 1.11
      Gretchen Doumit

      Perfect post Dawn. Im 53 and all I want is a peer 50-58

      Its amazing these guys in my age group dont see that more and more of todays 50+ women are active attractive and great catches

      1. 1.11.1

        Oh please. A lot of 50-year-old women _are_ attractive. And they’re very picky, relatively content being divorced, and say no to anyone who isn’t actually dazzling enough to convince them to not go through life with just their girlfriends.

        Remember “4 Weddings and a Funeral”? The one wedding guest is drunkenly complaining about no available men, and the non-Hugh-Grant guy she is complaining to says “I’m available.” “Oh, not you of course.”



    12. 1.12

      I worked in the dating arena, saw it all the time. If I signed up a guy 50, 60 or older. They ALL sought YOUNGER women, WAY younger. And most didn’t keep themselves up, but they still thought they could snag a sweet young thing. But the reality is, most of those men didn’t do much to preserve themselves, they were supporting their ex, or their kids and so a 2nd or maybe 3rd wife really didn’t reap much of a benefit. There are kids that are probably peers, or even grandkids to content with. There is usually LOTS of baggage. Many of the assets are compromised or allocated to the ex wife, or his previous kids, and if you do have kids of your own, they probably won’t get much of the financial stuff.

      Plus you have to deal with your relationship, which is hard enough, but add in his previous kids, their friends, an ex spouse, a whole pascal of people that might resent YOU. It gets very involved. If they never married, that is a HUGE red flag at that age. Don’t believe the “I never found the right one” but suddenly a woman half his age is “it”-don’t BUY THAT LIE.

  2. 2

    Hang it up Dale. Or, be prepared to spend years searching for something you probably won’t find.

    It’s hard enough to get a pretty woman to respond to a guy who is only 10 years older (even if he’s good looking and successful). You’re 20 years older. You’ve been watching too many movies Dale, where 55 year old guys are getting hot 30 year olds. Doesn’t happen in real life, except in very rare situations. Like Even says, why should a woman date you, even if you’re successful and good looking, when she can get the same version of you that’s 15 years younger.

    I’n not knocking you. I was the same way when I started online dating (though I was looking for women who were “only” 10-15 years younger than me.)

    I was in for a rude awakening. The flip side is that I have really learned to appreciate women closer to my own age now. And Evan is right, these older women are underappreciated and in many cases they are undervalued gems. Now I can’t believe I wasted so much of my time chasing young women and was so stubbornly opposed to trying women in my own age range.

    1. 2.1

      He should keep trying. I guess I am the rarity you speak of, but I am 34 and I have dated 50 – 65 year older because I can relate more to them than those my age. Please men, remember, it is more than just a check list of statistical data…it is not always the bank account we look at or the level of success…for some, it is about connecting and happiness, because everything else can fall into place.

      1. 2.1.1

        …… of harvard did a study, and found 2/3’s of all women look for financial security….

        1. Jennie Conway

          yeah that s true but once they get the “stuff” from ur old ass they are going to look for a young boyfriend

        2. Garret

          WOW Jennie!

          A woman in another post stated that there are creeps and gems all ages of both genders. I think she was right. Your post points to a very creepy mind. Oh sure, there are some gold diggers out there, but to think that all women who marry an older man are just after his wallet and then will be sneaking out the window to meet up with a young stud…well if that is what you think, then you must have nothing but bad experiences in your life.

        3. DeeGee

          Garret, easily 75% of the women I have dated were gold diggers.   None made it to the second date and some I walked out on the first date.

        4. pat

          It’s not necessarily financial security right then and there, but also the potential for financial security.   If you are dating a young medical student, he’ll be flat ass broke with a mountain of debt, but he has the potential to make money.   Don’t assume that financial security automatically means older man.

        5. Alpha Bat

          Link to the study?

          When was the study conducted? Society is changing rapidly.

      2. 2.1.2

        Women   marry men 5-9 yrs older in only 12%   of marriages. The odds of marrying a woman 10+ yrs younger are only 7%.
        Women typically don’t marry men more than 5 yrs their senior.

        1. hunter


          “Women typically don’t marry men more than 5 years their senior”… they don’t, I agree with you…….could that be why  there are many single  women  out there?…    

        2. Lisa

          You seem to be saying women should be open to dating older men but are you as open minded?
          I’m not sure what you mean by,   “so many single women out there.” What age demo are you referring to and to what statistics?
          There have also been 15 years worth of studies showing that men’s fertility drops with age. A recent study showed that by 40 men have lost 40% of there fertility. Another showed that if a woman is in her 30s her chances of getting pregnant are cut in half if her partner is in his 40s.
          The reality is that women prefer to marry around there own age and men are going to have to be more realistic if they want to find a spouse.

        3. RustyLH

          Lisa, the point isn’t what percentage does what, the point is, what works for you.   For you, a man 9 years younger might work…but the odds are very much against that also.   The point here is that if a woman wants to get married, and what she is doing isn’t working for her, she may…MAY…want to alter her search pattern.   Only a crazy person continues to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result.
          I am friends with a woman who I would probably date, but it will never happen.   Why?   She is hooked on young men.   From the time she was in her mid 20s, she has dated guys younger than herself.   She has the looks to attract ANY man so it is no surprise that she can date men in their 20s, even today, at 43.   She has dated men anywhere from 3 years younger to nearly 20 years younger.   She has had many short term relationships lasting up to 5 years in one instance, a few at 3 years, several at around 1 to 2, and many many more that only lasted a few months at most.   She is insistent that she just needs to find the right one.   But her time is running out.   My prediction is that her looks are going to fade, and she is going to end up alone.   She’s addicted to younger men and so she can’t even look at an older man sexually, and she has had some decent older men, and even men just a year or two older, show he a lot of interest.
          She too thinks it is unfair that men tend not to want to marry an older woman, and it makes her angry…but that and $1.79 will buy her a coffee.   We don’t get to dictate what the playing field will look like, we only get to play on it.   Some will make plays, and some will end up being bench warmers.
          One last thing is that I keep seeing some women state that while there are some well maintained older men, most aren’t.   Well nobody says you have to date all of them.   If a woman decides to expand her choices to include older men, she doesn’t have to date all older men, she just has the option to date one she finds attractive.   I have seen many women do this and then say that it was the best relationship they ever had.

        4. RustyLH

          “The reality is that women prefer to marry around there own age and men are going to have to be more realistic if they want to find a spouse.”
          Well, that’s debatable.   Men have other options to find a younger woman if that is what he wants.   Again, the issue is that if that works out for her that is fine, if that’s what she wants.   But there are women open to a marriage with an older guy and they may very well end up happier as a couple than her friends who married men close to their own age.   So the point is, if it works out, fine, but if it isn’t working, a woman may want to change her preferences.   Simple as that.
          Besides, with reference to the marriage thing, weren’t we discussing on this very site that men are much more comfortable foregoing marriage than women are.   So we could just easily say, women on this site aren’t having luck in marriage…dating maybe, but marriage no…so we could say that if she wants a spouse, she needs to be more realistic, right?

        5. dale

          Staistics indicate you are correct.


    2. 2.2

      Roger, I agree. why should a woman that’s 20 years younger, date this “Dale” person? I mean, he hasn’t given any reasons, all he says is he’s available, is moderately successful, and a “nice guy”. Well, get in line. MODERATELY SUCCESSFUL doesn’t make him prime meat when there are guys out there much younger than him that are more successful, have Ivy League educations, muscles, ect. He’s competing with these other men for women who are in those guys’ age group. By trying to solicit these women, Dale is trying to “take” women AWAY from those men in that woman’s age group. In order to do that, Dale needs to have MORE to be superior to those men, not equal or less. I mean, he’s got to be better looking (which is impossible), have more money, ect I guess. I mean, if it were me, I’d go with the younger version of Dale as opposed to the older one. I mean, what can I say?

      1. 2.2.1

        ” I mean, he’s got to be better looking (which is impossible)”.

        that is hilarious! Me personally, I would take the younger version of dale myself.

    3. 2.3

      I’ve always been an advocate of the older man/younger woman dynamic. First of all, don’t waste your time with online dating, period. It’s a young man’s game, and even young men (particularly the ones with any semblance of decency) are already seeing how disengaged, nefarious, and psychotic it really is. Second, IMHO, I emphatically disagree with your blue pill analysis on pursuing so called under appreciated older women. A better description would be older rode hard and hung out wet wall victims. I’m 60, never married, and never cared for dating, never saw the point, didn’t want some other man’s children, and its a waste of time and money. Older women are as obtuse, juvenile, delusional, unrealistic, and psychotic as any younger woman, if not more so. Problem is, they don’t realize their SMV is gone, and they have nothing to bring to the table. Case in point, the last ladyfriend I had was 5 years ago. She was one year older than me. Not especially attractive, had hit the wall long ago, had a bachelors degree, and made $12 per hour as a receptionist at some phony/baloney woman owned kumbaya company. One day she told me she had applied to try out for the Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad. Huh??? She was 56 years-old at the time! She insisted I bank roll her fantasy, buy her plane tickets to Dallas, and pay for her lodging and expenses. When I refused, she pulled the temper tantrum, then the passive/aggressive routine. I told her to take a hike, and never gave it a second thought. Since then, I’ve gone out on a couple of laid back coffee or lunch dates during the day with fit, reasonably attractive younger women half my age or more. The mid-late 30 something women get their undies in a bunch when pursued by older men in their 50s-60s because it’s unnerving to realize they are hitting the wall and losing their SMV. This guy, or any guy, who wants to pursue younger women, should continue to do it. They’re grown men. They don’t need affirmation from old sea hags, feminists, or feminized men. Granted, and I speak from experience, they’ll mostly be spinning their wheels, but I say keep trying! The older cougar woman/younger man dynamic is for the movies, and is a feminist fantasy, or for a few select Hollywood starlets with lots of plastic surgeries and fakeup. Most young 20-30 something guys I encounter want nothing to do with the older wall victims, regardless what the media and Hollywood claim.

  3. 3

    How about those of us who are in our 20s who endure the emails from those in their 40-60s? I am 26 years old. I told my mom about this issue and she found it rather disturbing that people that much older than me were interested in that way. This is coming from my mom who is 17 years younger than my father.

    Thanks Evan for your insightful articles.

    1. 3.1

      I am a man who presently is 48 and I would be most disturbed if I received the attentions of a woman in her forties. I have now found that I have a psychological hurdle to get over convincing myself to react positively when an attractive young woman shows that she is interested in me because there are so many in society constantly bombarding me with a message that it is all unrealistic nonsense. If I wanted a forty something woman, I would have chased after one 25 years ago, rather than have waited all this time. I am not looking for a mother figure, exactly as I did not need one when I was 20.

      1. 3.1.1

        You are 48, and you would be disturbed by the attention of women in their 40’s?? I could maybe comprehend if you said something like “not thrilled”, but “most disturbed”??? Why disturbed?
        And how is a woman your age or even several years younger a mother figure to you?
        It seems like you think you are still 20y.o., and have all the emotional maturity that goes along with that age.

        1. J.S.

          I’m 53 and married.
          Women half my age are always hitting on me. Even when I’m out with my wife (we laugh about it often). Oviously I’m not the long term solution for these women.
          I enjoy the attention.
          Am I attracted to these women? Damned straight. Nothing like a young, hot body. In my experience, they tend to be quite fickle and flaky. Often to the point of not being worth the bother. Not having sorted out there own emotional or hormonal irrationalities.
          I understand their predicament. They have something of immense value and plenty of men willing to pay them for it, in a manner of speaking. Would one expect such young, very attractive women to not try to take advantage of her value in every way possible. This often means having a couple of older successful guys in their quiver to help them get over the humps in life.

      2. 3.1.2

        I think women are more open to one night stands or flings with men who are as much as 10 yrs older but I don’t know any stats on it, it’s just from personal experience. In terms of marriage, women rarely marry men more than 5 yrs older. Your odds of a long term relationship with a women 10+ yrs younger are 7% but a some of those are women marrying wealthy men so your odds are probably less than that. Unless your filthy rich, of course.

        1. savannah

          Anna Nicole Smith didn’t have a good life.

      3. 3.1.3

        Good for you mate! I support and agree with you on this matter.   I am do tired of these older birds trying to dictate the rules of dating. If Dale even wants a 23 year old well that is his choice. I agree with him as well. I would suggest a few things for him. Like perhaps get a nice big boat, work out at the gym and have a hip wardrobe. He will easily get the young birds.   I would not suggest he get married. Also, he should listen to the Tom Leykis Show at   Especially Leykis 101 on Thursdays every week.

      4. 3.1.4

        You would see a woman a few years younger than you as a mother figure? Wow, you’re messed up. Good to hear you’re chasing women who will probably reject you, so no one’s saddled with such a basket case.

      5. 3.1.5

        Wow, if you are not looking for a mother figure, you shouldn’t be interested in any women older than 70 (if you are 48). But ladies younger than you should be way more than acceptable. 40 years old ladies are EIGHT years younger than you, uncle.

      6. 3.1.6

        “I am not looking for a mother figure”

        No. You are looking for a daughter figure 😉

      7. 3.1.7

        Ronnie, wake up and smell the thorns my dear. I’m sorry but you sound disturbed. I’m 11 years younger than you and although I would give a man your age a chance, you only may last a third’ish date. Men like you…only chasing after much younger women…have the same traits, I’ve noticed. It’s not attractive to go backwards and recapture your youth. Plus it’s rather sad to give off this immature energy. There’s nothing wrong with growing older, gaining wisdom and having a young heart. This was why the 3 much older men I dated had to be cut off after a few dates. I’ve decided 5 years older is much better for me. They’re more fun, have more in common and are better suitable. Almost-50-and-up men sounded somewhat like you and it was nearly comical. I’m not saying all of them..just the ones only limiting themselves to 20s and 3os.   Keep in mind, none of my friends would think about dating a man almost in his 50s. So it is rare, unfortunately for you.

      8. 3.1.8

        Most women aren’t looking for a father figure either.

        1. savannah

          Times have changed…most don’t need or want a sugar daddy

    2. 3.2

      You know I am so tired of hearing 20 something’s say there is something wrong with an older guy being attracted to a younger girl. (Or even worse older ladies that have issues with it but for very different reason)
      i am 42 and i of course am attracted to all kinds of different women , younger being one of the many types. How is it wrong to see a beautiful girl in her 20s 30s and be attracted? It’s called human nature and there is nothing wrong with it.   I totally respect that some women want to be with guys closer to their age and that’s great. But people stop acting like there is something so wrong with age disparity in relationships.!!!!  

      1. 3.2.1

        I agree Jay. But only when we are simply talking about physical attraction.

        I will often speak against Cougar type relationships, not because there is anything inherently wrong with them, but I am a man, I was a young man, and I have talked with many many many men young and old on this subject, so I feel confident in what I know about it, and that is that while a woman could be open to this kind of relationship, she should be highly highly suspect of the man’s long term intentions. It’s as simple as that. Of course I would give the same advice to a man if the woman is significantly younger. But, I do think that men and women are different on this. I think women can completely look past age better than men when they are the younger one. In fact, after talking to a lot of men and thinking about it myself, I think the difference is huge. I know a large number of men who aren’t the least bit interested if the woman is even 1 year older, and others wouldn’t consider a relationship with a woman more than a year or two older. I’m talking long term of course. Short term is a completely different matter. “She’s 9 years older? Short term? Sue, why not?”

        But this all ties into the whole minefield that exists between men and women. In a perfect world we would all find our perfect match and that person would love and adore us until the day we do die. But the reality is that some of us will find it and some of us will not.

        Ideally we would all start with simply looking for somebody that truly loves and adores us, then work out from there and simply choose the best one from those that do. However, if you understand game theory, that’s the last thing women are looking for. I watched a Dr. Phil episode where they sent a group of young men into a club and let them try to find a woman. The idea was to get a phone number so that they could begin a relationship. The guys were genuinely looking for a relationship. They weren’t trying to BS the girls. They were open and honest and used a bit of honest flattery. The girls completely rejected them.

        So then they got to spend some time with these “coaches” that taught “Game” There is a ton more to it than that, but they would wrap an insult…or sort of critique in a compliment…like if the girl has short hair, he might find a girl that has short hair and say, “She should let her hair grow out. Short hair tends to be a mistake on women….but you pull it off pretty good because you have the face to do it.” The compliment takes the sting out of the critique, but the critique is there and knocks her down off her high horse.

        It would be some much better if you see a woman who is attractive to you, and just go up to her and be honest. Just say, “I think you are very attractive and I would like to get to know you.” But that simply doesn’t work. Women will claim it does…but the reality is that it rarely does. When does it work? Only if you are that guy who walks into a party and all the women perk up and want to know who he is. It does not work for average guys.

      2. 3.2.2

        I agree with you, Jay. As a nearly 60 year old woman I am still smitten with the gorgeous bodies of 35 year old men. How could I NOT be attracted? The difference is, men assume they can have the hot young thing, while women know they can’t.

        1. DeeGee

          Sally, I’m 53, I eat right, exercise and strength train daily, and have only 10% body fat (working on getting down to that 7% level).   I have the body that most 40 year olds don’t even have.
          The experience I have had with women who I have tried to date equal to, is they like the body, but as soon as they find out I don’t (currently) make $150k+ per year, they lose interest pretty quick.   They are all looking to date and marry up.   The only ones I have had better luck in dating, are those that I would be really dating down to.

        2. Tom10

          @ DeeGee
          “The experience I have had with women who I have tried to date  equal  to, is they like the body, but as soon as they find out I don’t (currently) make $150k+ per year, they lose interest pretty quick.   They are all looking to date and marry up.   The only ones I have had better luck in dating, are those that I would be really dating down to.”
          No offence dude, but hate to break it to you DeeGee that you sound as guilty as trying to “date up” as all the women you blame. You *are* who you date. If you can’t manage to attract your “equal” then you are probably over-rating yourself. But don’t worry; we’re all guilty of doing the same.
          And as you already noted, women value more than a guy’s body, so might you be better served spending more time trying to earn $150k+ per year rather than getting your body fat level down to 7%? Just a thought.

        3. DeeGee

          Tom10, not at all.

          I am looking at women who are the around the same income level as me, the same standard of living, and similar level of looks.
          The problem is, that is not what most women are looking for, they always want to date up, and often way up.
          And why should that guy then have to date down to her, because of her awesome cooking and cleaning skills??
          I believe that it is because the majority of women over-value themselves, it isn’t me over-valuing myself.

          And regarding making 150k+ per year, you do realize that only the top 10% percent of earners make that amount (in USA or Canada).   90% of people make much less.
          I am not aiming at a top 10% woman.

        4. Karmic Equation

          “I am looking at women who are the around the same income level as me, the same standard of living, and similar level of looks.”

          Well, why can’t you date women who have LOWER incomes, lower standard of living, and lower level of looks?

          I do believe many women over-rate themselves. But so do most men.

          As Tom said, your rating is determined by who will date you.

          If you believe you’re a 6 but only 5’s and below will date you, then sad to say, you’re a 5 no matter what you yourself believe you are. In some ways, this rating system is more accurate for men than for women.

          Because men WILL “date down” for sex, most women (using the same scale above) think that she can have a relationship with an 8 because she’s dated 8s before. But she fails to remember that 8 never offered her commitment, just sex.

          So I guess, in this sense women do overrate themselves because she doesn’t realize  she can’t date “that far up” for relationships.

          However, that still doesn’t mean she’s underrating you.

          I don’t mean this to be insulting. Just a statement of logic.

        5. DeeGee

          Karmic Equation said: “why can’t you date women who have LOWER incomes, lower standard of living, and lower level of looks?

          Almost every woman I have dated this year, some of whom I met through OKC, are with me dating down, some of them by a lot (1/4 my income, less attractive, “curvy”, etc.).   I’m not that hung up on social standing, I am more interested in finding compatibility and similar interests (I am limited on this due to my current living location).

          I guess my point is getting lost.   🙂
          If women only want to date up, and expect men to always date down, why can’t I feel that I should be able to date close to equal?   But apparently that is not how the game is played.

          And BTW I only classify myself as a 5, most of the women I ask out or date are 6’s or lower, some much lower.

        6. DeeGee

          Karmic Equation said: “Well, why can’t you date women who have LOWER incomes, lower standard of living, and lower level of looks?

          Try saying this to a woman and see what response you get.   🙂

          At least I am willing and have to-date always dated down.   My choice to not continue dating them was not based on their socioeconomic standard.
          I have, however, never met a woman willing to date down.

        7. Curiousover60

          As a woman eligible for medicare in 2016 I will disagree with your assessment that women can dream, but not attain a young man.   Since my husband died almost 5 years ago, I’ve dated countless men, my own age, men up to 5 years older and, and men up to many years younger.   I did the dating website thing for more than 2 years and finally gave up because I couldn’t find any men I was attracted to.   I don’t do dating websites anymore because my lover has been living with me for nearly 2 years.   He’s more than 20 years younger than me.   Shrug, not sure why he loves me, but why should I question a good thing???

        8. Buck25


          If it works for you, by all means, go for it! I know most , if not all, of the women here, will be cheering you on, every bit as enthusiastically as they castigate any man who would dare do the same! Why, for a man to even let it be known in his profile that he’s willing to date a woman 15 years younger (let alone 20!), is grounds for summary rejection, according to the views of some female posters here; why, everyone knows that any man who would even think of doing that must be a creep, a cradle-robber, and an insecure, totally selfish, egotistical, dirty old man, who couldn’t possibly have any real value to ANY younger woman- isn’t that right, ladies? The chorus of righteous indignation, especially that arising from the fifty-something and sixty-something female set, is quite deafening.

          I always wondered why, since so many of the woman yelling the loudest profess to have zero interest in dating a man my age (67) in the first place (without regard to looks, success, personality, or indeed, anything else), they would even care about the age of the women who DO want to date me.

          You see, if I’m not dating you, or trying to date you, I don’t see that I have any reason to care about the age of the men you date, none at all. My current relationship is with a woman 20 years younger than me, and to this point, BOTH of us are quite happy in it. I hope that’s as ok with you, as yours is with me, but after what I’ve heard from most of the distaff side here….

          If there’s something that needs to be understood and accepted here, it is that, while most people want an “age-group peer” as a relationship partner, that does NOT mean that those who desire (or just find) a relationship with someone much younger/older, are somehow “wrong” , “dysfunctional”, “perverted”, “warped”, “exploitative”, or otherwise meanly motivated. Fortunately, not all women, (or all men), think alike, or have the same desires and goals. So, I have to say that I don’t understand the bashing of “Dale”, for what he wants to do. True, his opportunities with the younger women he seeks will be limited, but with enough patience, he’ll likely find someone eventually. As long as he is content to fish in a much smaller pool, well, he’s not “wrong” to do so; he’s not committing some heinous injustice against womankind.

          By the way, I HAVE given older women (50-71) a chance   online; dozens of them, over a three year search. If anything, I gave them a fairer chance than they apparently gave me. It’s not my fault that I’m fitter than those closer to my age can keep up with, and older than most of the fifty-somethings online believe they deserve.   Thanks, but no thanks; I think I’ll stick with my my current relationship, whether anyone here “approves” of that, or not!

        9. Sharkathotep


          No. I wouldn’t cheer Curious. It just doesn’t seem reasonable to me. No matter which gender is the older. When Curious will be 80, her significant other will be 60. With high probability, she will die long before him.
          That’s not what I’d look for in a partner. I much prefer my partner to be about the same age as me (my significant other of 17 years is 2 years my junior, we got to know each other as we were 18 and 16) because this increases the probability to grow old together.
          I think that people who PREFER much younger partners are egoists. They don’t know “love” either. Just sexual attraction and maybe infatuation.
          I don’t want to say that older people can’t fall in love with younger ones. It surely does happen, and if it happens, I wish them all the best. But it’s not as common as the media portray, and most of the times, purposeless.
          But people who are actively searching for women or men much younger than themselves and neglecting their peers are immature and egoistic and only think with their d*cks (or ovaries). They don’t really care about their future partners (or their children). Because, what will happen to the young wife, when the husband/wife dies, when she/he is still somewhat young, but not young enough to find a decent partner her/his own age (as most decent ones are already married to or involved with decent women/men)? She/he can only look   for much older men/women again, or much younger ones and the vicious circle goes on.

      3. 3.2.3

        Pedafile, that’s where it’s wrong. Same age as parents sick.

      4. 3.2.4

        Jay there’s nothing wrong with it, but it is unrealistic.



    3. 3.3

      I can relate! It’s very disturbing and disgusting! Why date a woman who could be your daughter/grandchild?

      1. 3.3.1

        Because it proves they still are viable. I talk to people ALL the time. Couples- it is really not so much about love as it is about feeling viable. If they can attract someone younger it is a validation to that type of personality. Most are NOT comfortable with their mortality

  4. 4

    Evan: I applaud your mature, diplomatic, and patient response to Poor Dale. I am withholding my own response to him because it would be judgmental, opinionated, and probably not very productive in the long run. Let’s just say that the breadth of my sympathy for Dale would fit in the space between these two letters — DF. Now never mind what sordid things you might think “DF” could stand for, but focus instead on that little tiny space there between the D and the F. And, Dale, if you’re reading this you might want to check that out, too — but first you’ll want to go get your reading glasses from wherever you left them last, and while you’re down there poking between the couch cushions, look for your brain, too. OOOHHH damn, now I’ve gone and done it. Sorry, Dale, it just slipped out. Forgive me, I’m one of those OLD broads who can’t keep her hormones in line. Run away!
    Dawn: Pulleeaasse don’t give yourself another second of anxiety over what you should adjust or refocus, because what you’re looking for is absolutely reasonable — as Evan stated so eloquently — you’re look for a peer! Most mature humans want to hook up with someone with whom there’s some degree of mutuality when it comes to their histories, cultural mores and values, impact of political events, without their partner continually asking them things like , “Who’s Abby Hoffman?” or “How can you listen to Motown — it’s so cheesy!” or “Are you telling me that you used to not shave your legs, your armpits, OR your crotch? Freaky!” Freaky indeed. Sure, we all need to broaden our scope from time to time, but you’re certainly entitled to desire a relationship with a guy from your own age group, your own generation’s “sphere of influence,” and who can more closely share the context from which you form your attitudes and perspectives on the past AND on things to come. It’s not that you’re over-focusing on yourself; you’re being absolutely reasonable. I don’t think men pay much attention to what age range woman say they want to draw from when searching for a man. Why? It beats me, but I can only guess it’s because they’re either too lazy to read beyond a woman’s photo, or they are so unwaveringly confident in their prowess and uniqueness that they’re sure if you met them, age spots or no, nose rings or no, you’d see what a fine, virile catch they are — at any age! Don’t change your comfort zone in order to play to those men who persist in seeking an ideal or a fantasy they’re convinced will make them feel good about themselves. But don’t give up, either. A dating hiatus is just what’s needed sometimes, because finding a mate is just damn hard for most of us….and time consuming and ego-battering and exhausting, whether you’re a cougar or a codger. Best of luck!

    1. 4.1

      Older birds are just too much headache. This one is a perfect example Of that and jealousy as well of younger ones.

      1. 4.1.1

        Prolly because we’ve seen seen enough stuff that we don’t fall for it anymore.

  5. 5

    Zann – I love what you said about men chasing a fantasy so they can feel good about themselves. I’m 44 and have dated men from 35 to 57 but prefer men in a 5 year range either way – younger or older, we just have more in common. But I’ve definitely run into the 50 something man looking for someone much younger and I’d not been able to word it as eloquently as you did. A fantasy to make themselves feel better about themselves….thanks, I’m going to borrow that one for use later (with full credit given of course). 🙂

  6. 6

    Picture this: An older fella writes to me. I tell him he’s older than the age range I am looking for. SO…. he changes his age on his profile and then writes to me again. LIKE I’M NOT GOING TO NOTICE THAT HE IS SUDDENLY 15 YEARS YOUNGER! I have to give him kudos for trying. 🙂

    1. 6.1

      Men get kicks out of dirty talk.

  7. 7

    I’m 42 and just exited a marriage to a man 12 years older. When we met, at 36 & 48, it didn’t seem like a problem at all. But when I found myself entering the prime early-40’s, feeling like I’m at my best, my husband was in a totally different cycle. He wants to wind-down on doing fun things, and give his career a make-it-or-break-it push to the exclusion of anything else. Bored to tears, I finally left. I could have seen the age difference coming, but didn’t. Now I only want someone close to my age!

    Sally: I hear you about guys lying about their age. I’ve been trying to figure out why so many of they guys my age look SO MUCH older. My guy early-40’s guy friends don’t look old! Have these guys just aged badly? Then I realized that a lot of the guys on are probably lying about their age. LOL.. though I’m sure women do too. But it took me awhile to figure it out. Ha!

    1. 7.1

      Camilla, age has nothing to do with it. There are many women just like your husband was…making a final push to win the rat race, while there are many men like myself, who are like you. I would find a woman who wants to concentrate on doing fun stuff to be a breath of fresh air. I would love it even more if she didn’t expect me to always be the one to do all the planning so that she can treat the relationship like a pleasure cruise with me as the activities director.

      Also, keep in mind Camilla, many men were with women like your husband. These women beat the life out of him. The good news is that just like women who had the life beat out of them, we aren’t inanimate objects. A person with a fresh outlook on life can actually reinvigorate another person. So I would say, even if the guy seems like he won’t be fun…see if you can get him to perk up. Not your ex…I mean new guys. You can also talk to them about this. See, you might meet a guy who is totally into you, and he may think that what you want is a man who is the CEO of a company, so he will try to show you that side…all work and no play. If you tell him that you are more interested in living life and having fun…and want a man that has the same outlook, he may very well breathe a sigh of relief and thank God for putting you in his path.

      I had an experience that was similar a while back. I was in Hawaii, while in the Navy. My credit card got stolen out of my locker and so when we pulled into Hawaii, I could not rent a car. The woman I was meeting there did not have one. That may sound odd but it was the case. Anyway, not having a rental car severely restricts what you can do, and when traveling around the island you will be stuck using the buses, which of course are much slower and far less convenient. So most of my planned activities were going by the wayside. It started to bother me and she detected that. She finally stopped when we were walking down the street and said in a soft voice, “We are in Hawaii. Can’t you just enjoy being here with me?” WOW! Talk about getting hit with a 2×4 in the head and gut at the same time. She was 100% right. I thought about it for a few seconds, nearly coming to tears after realizing what a jerk I was being. Then I hugged her and told her she was right. After that, we had a much better time. See, she relieved me of my burden. It wasn’t that I wasn’t enjoying being there with her, it was that I felt responsible for making it a memorable time, and so everything I wasn’t able to provide was eating away at me. I felt like I was failing. She let me know that just walking hand in hand along a beach in Hawaii was all it would take to accomplish that.

      As a result, I prefer women who can be totally honest…does not try to manipulate…and can say what needs saying without being nasty,

      See, while that woman was right, most of us men have been with a woman who would be just the opposite. She would be the task master, always pushing for something and always letting you know when you fall short…and many more are the same way, just very subtle about it. They aren’t domineering but they say cutting things, maybe without even thinking of the consequences. Here’s an example of how that can go. Imagine that woman was the opposite. So we are back home and one of her friends who had gone to Hawaii a few times in the past is visiting, and wants the run down on how the trip went. She asks, “Did you get to see ______.” So the girl says, “No, he didn’t have a credit card so there was a lot we didn’t get to see.” Yeah, that’s going to leave a mark on any man’s soul. Men don’t like to fail. That woman that flew to Hawaii to be with me handled that question so much better. When asked she simply said, “We chose not to make it a hectic ‘we’ve got to see everything’ trip and instead just relaxed and enjoyed the romantic nature of the island with each other. It made the trip so much more enjoyable.” So why am I not with this perfect woman? Because I was too young and stupid. Young men aren’t very good at relationships. We have to make mistakes and learn from them and hopefully get another chance with another perfect woman. Our whole life is like that. We are like Peyton Manning. Never winning the big one, but we keep trying and learning from our mistakes, and then hopefully get a chance later in life and get it right. That’s what happened to him. The Quarterback known as the guy who can’t win the big one, the guy who always chokes in the big games, finally won a Super Bowl.

    2. 7.2

      I think men don’t like to acknowledge that there could possibly be a danger of a much younger woman losing interest in her older man over time. Women are more loyal and more over lookng on age, but it certainly happens. I heard Katie Holmes saying after her spit from Tom Cruise, that she never wanted to be with an older man again, ever. Tom Cruise had hit the big 50. I lije to read crime books too, and there’s many a story of the beautiful young woman taking the older man for his money and sometimes his life. I admit Iv’e never been into much older men, alot of them chased me when I was in my twenties. My husband is my age.

      1. 7.2.1

        One of the things that turned me off to the older man drooling over me at age 21, was he seemed only interested in my look and youth.and that was it. I felt I was utterly interchangeable with any other similar girl. While there may have been some of that with guys closer to my age, I didn’t feel this near as intensely as with the older guy fixated on real young ones. I never had the experience of one of these types wanting me to have his children. Maybe, those who have feel the same way I did. Like I wasn’t a person beloved for who I am, but rather only for what I represented to them.

      2. 7.2.2

        As someone who was once married to a man twice my age – I bet I know why she feels that way.
        Older men can be very domineering, treating their younger wives like children. Eventually that gets, well, old.

    3. 7.3

      Really, not into online dating. May as well meet a jerk in real life, to know his a jerk. They call it jealously but you know what it is, it’s there fantasy world true. Porn, porn and porn, they want it in real life too. ‘What are you wearing’ geeze that’s original😜.Slap your women, don’t you. Sickos no morals I’m staying away from those sites.

      Married men on dating sites, ‘all the good ones are taken, blhaha.

  8. 8

    Evan, you hit the nail on the head regarding the disconnect between women and older men on-line (and out in the real world as well). I would also add that many women, including myself, are troubled by the attentions of older men for a few other reasons:

    1. His ad notes that he is not seeking women his own age. This is a red flag to many women. For those truly open to a relationship – age shouldn’t be an issue. Does he want to meet someone he is compatible with? Or is he just looking for either arm candy? The fact that he won’t date a woman his own age tends to suggest the later.

    2. Also, when a woman sees that the guy is looking for much younger women to have his children, she tends to feel objectified. Again, those looking for marriage and family generally want the whole solid relationship. This includes being with a partner that loves and respects them for their individual traits. When he says he wants a wife to bear his children – a woman may feel as if she is only being valued for her womb. It is a pretty icky feeling to be on the receiving end of that type of attention.

    3. Finally, now that I am in my 30s and see that men my age tend to date women in their 20s I am developing more empathy for my older “sisters”. Thus, for me personally I would prefer to leave the older men for them to date. This is not to say that if I met a guy 20 years older who happens to blow me away – I would not date him. I only mean that I have no desire to seek it out and waste my time and his time when another woman may be more suitable in age and situation.

    Just my long winded $.02

  9. 9

    Dale, Let us younger men have the younger women. You had your chance twenty years ago. Were you one of those guys who was afraid to settle down? If you were looking to settle down then, but didn’t meet the right woman, what makes you think you are going to meet the right woman now? At least when you were in your thirties the women you were dating were of your generation. Now you could be your gf’s father.

    Evan, I like your blog very much. You’re one insightful guy. However, I cannot help but noticing that when you write about Tom Pandolfo (5’3”) and now Dale you mention that they are successful. Are you tacitly conceding that a short, middle-income guy or old, middle income guy would have little/no chance at all in finding the woman of his dreams?

  10. 10


    Just a quick comment, this man does not say he wants a relationship he wants someone, “willing to have children by him”. Now really, this is 2007 not 1959. Further, “well to do”, and “fairly well educated” my, my, who isn’t these days? So I have to wonder, is this man er, short or bald (gasp! such politically incorrect questions)? Perhaps he is not as fit as he could be, perhaps he is emotionally unavailable etc.? Yup the issues that are considered – after all men do not want to date a woman who isn’t fit (that’s a big flag the woman doesn’t value herself).

    Now to paraphrase you Evan. In a previous article on why men want to date younger women when you cut to the crash your answer was, “BECAUSE THEY CAN”. Well as Dale is well-educated he should/would be able to work out that younger women don’t want to date men 20 years older than themselves BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE TO.

    P.S. At 50 I have dated younger men. It’s fun and they are wonderful partners but, with rare exceptions, it isn’t a viable long-term partnership.

  11. 11

    I’d think too, that a guy who was specifically looking for a woman 10-20 years younger than himself was NOT looking for someone for compatibility–rather just someone to “show off” in hopes of raising his “stock” with HIS peers. I’d think that kind of guy to be shallow, off-putting, and likely not a very interesting individual in his own right.

    Add to that a 56 yr. old man looking for someone to have his children and on the surface it looks like he just wants a breed mare. If I were in the narrow age range he specified I’d be going “Eeeewww” reading such expectations.

    1. 11.1

      Do older men realize that there chances of having children in their late forties and fifties are not good? There has been a lot of research that shows men’s fertility drops in their 30s and is almost cut in half between 40 and 45.
      At 56, it could take years for him to get a woman pregnant. Even if he could find a younger woman, it won’t make his odds any better.

      1. 11.1.1

        I guess I’d date a 50+ year old who had enough money that I’d be able to shag the cabana boy And not have to work. It would be really difficult to truly love or respect a guy trolling for a way younger woman though.  

        1. ethan


  12. 12

    I’m a tall slim, attractive successful and well-educated 51-year woman with a great profile on the net. In my experience I have found the large majority of guys seem to be following this line of thought and over looking great women in pursuit of just that delusional dream. They seem to have over looked the enormous choices available to younger women these days. If money is your only draw card then remember that these intelligent well-educated successful women will probably be earning more that you do.
    With regard to children at a late age. I was a child born into just such a situation and my father was dead by the I was 32 even though he lived until 82. The last of his 5 children and 2 marriages he actually had a grandchild before I was even born. Think long and hard about what you’re asking for. It has long lasting consequences.

    1. 12.1

      I was reading this as I recently met through a friend a 55 year old and I am 43.   He is  nervous about the age gap.. that aside I wanted to add to this that my father was 56 when I was born and 66 when my youngest brother was born.   For the children it sucks once they get older- as child it was fine as he was around a lot and still had energy.   I do not recommend having children at this age.   He lived to 92 but had alziehmers from age 80-  so never understood when he became a grandfather, but my mother loved him to the end and he would never have had a family otherwise.   He was very fit until he was about 80 but the grief that followed was awful.   Men this age who want children need to think really hard about the impact on the children and their grandchildren.

      1. 12.1.1

        I agree, but would also add that I think women in their 40’s should also rethink having kids. People need to stop putting this off. Think about this. If 42 when you have a child, you are 60 when the child graduates high school. Maybe as old as 65 when the child graduates college. If this child has a child around 5 or 6 years later, you are 70 years old or more. Frankly, I appreciate that my grandparents were young enough to be active and actually do fun things with me as I grew up. Ideally we have kids when we are in our early 20s so that by our early 40s, we now have “our time” to now live an independent life, and enjoy family.

        1. Kayle

          I think that it is more ideal to have kids in your 30s. It’s not like the old days. Nowadays people are more career focused and are having kids in their 30s. All the women I know who had kids in their early 20s have regret it. They missed out on so much. At 30 you have experienced more, you are more wise, probably have an established job. You are more likely to find a decent man than when you were 20 (as a lot of college boys like to sleep around.

          Even if you do have kids in your 20s, it is not guaranteed that the grandparents will still be around. Nothing is guaranteed.


      2. 12.1.2
        Denis LeBlanc

        Assuming you are grateful to be alive can you also be grateful that you were not born out of rape or incest or some other unfortunate circumstance. Your parents probably loved each other very much. Why not focus on that point. Why not rejoice in the years that were good. My father was 57 when he died. He was an alcoholic for the better part of the marriage and sobered up for 14 years before he died of lung cancer.My mother was 54 when he died. My mother is 87 now and had a boyfriend who was 80. He died last Christmas. She cherishes his memory but not my father’s. The grandchildren will be fine. So are you. Better to have lov      

  13. 13

    Evan’s right as he is most of the time. One thing Evan said a while back that stuck with me was that the biggest mistake a lot people make online is that BOTH men & women think that they can do better than who they’ve been able to attract normally in the past and or in the real world. IE: Guys (and gals too) that are 3’s or 4’s on the rating scale initiating contact with the best looking 8’s & 9’s on the site. Then they complain when noone responds. Well duh !!! This is an extreme example of that. This guy Dale either is delusional or has very little online dating experience. His only realistic chance of succeeding is the niche golddigger site’s like Evan said.

    Remember online the average woman’s value is inflated and sometimes skyrockets. The average man’s value is deflated and usually plummets due to supply & demand.

  14. 14
    Miss Julie

    I have to say, Evan, that you hit the nail on the head here. As a 36 year old woman who has had her fair share of emails from 50+ men, I can tell you that you could have typed this blog entry right out of my own head. I am not interested in dating someone 15 or 20 years older than me anymore than I am interested in dating someone 15 years younger than me.

  15. 15

    I am in a ballroom dance class where several “older” men have been hitting on a much younger Asian woman. She confided in me how uncomfortable it makes her and what a bad position it puts her in to evade giving out her number, etc. I thought men enjoyed being “appreciated”, well if they wanted to be appreciated they would find someone closer to their own age!

    1. 15.1

      If she’s dissatified with the demeanor that prevails in a refined social environment, your friend might look up a few guys from her UG super- orgo class.   Maybe they’d like to come over and try their hand at the Australian Waltz.

    2. 15.2

      I am also Asian, and have been hit on by men of all ages.   It isn’t a problem, and it is nothing new.    Women get hit on all the time by guys they aren’t interested in.   If she doesn’t know how to handle it with grace and class, that’s her problem.   Most men, especially older men deal with rejection pretty well.   I find that it is the younger ones who are likely to be rude, when rejected.   That said, I had many great “dates” with much older men that I was not interested in.   I simply let them know that we could go to dinner as friends, but I wasn’t interested in anything else.   They were always gentlemen and thanked me for a lovely evening.
      Here’s the ironic part.     Many of the younger ladies who can’t appreciate an older guy, and think it is gross, or creepy, just might find themselves being interested in younger men when they are older.   I wonder if they will think they are being gross, or creepy?

      1. 15.2.1

        JennLee, you are my favorite poster.   You always show elegance and class.   Thanks for your amazing insight and intelligent, well-written posts.

  16. 16

    I’m 49. Due to good genes and taking good care of myself, I’m usually mistaken for being anywhere from 7-12 years younger, but I’ve found that many men my age (who look much older than I do), assume that all women my age look “old”. In addition, one of the biggest problems with on-line dating is the consumer mentality it encourages; that is, anyone can order up the perfect partner, or more importantly, the one whom they THINK is the perfect partner, whether there’ s much basis for it in reality, or not. Thankfully, I met my wonderful boyfriend (age 47 and looks great) off-line!

  17. 17

    Miss Julie’s comment:(In 100% accord with…)

    I have to say, Evan, that you hit the nail on the head here. As a 36 year old woman who has had her fair share of emails from 50+ men, I can tell you that you could have typed this blog entry right out of my own head. I am not interested in dating someone 15 or 20 years older than me anymore than I am interested in dating someone 15 years younger than me.

    This is me as well and I SO appreciate you being frank with Dale Evan and trying to get him to see it from our shoes. Every time you get an email from someone who is way outside of your dating parameters, it takes away time from the men who might be good for you and you good for them. I’m talking decades out of your specified range, not a year or two.

    Your suggestion, Evan, for him to try the Reverse Match is excellent as it will show him younger women who want older men. Reverse Match is frequently a nightmare for women in their 20’s and 30’s because it so often turns up men who are 50, 60 and up. To each his own, but why do so many people insist on trying to make people fit what they want instead of seeing what is right there before them (provided you told the truth in your profile and clearly expressed your wants, needs, etc.).

    It kills me when someone says (and I exaggerate here : ) – )… I’m 92, but I look 76. Yeah, how someone looks is important, but it doesn’t change the fact that he might pass away a lot sooner (potentially) than the 76 year old or that he was alive when you weren’t by a good 20 or even 30 years. I still have people sometimes ask me if I am in college – and I am 36. This actually is difficult at times because makes me not feel my age. So being with someone who is a lot older also really makes me feel I look as if I am with my dad, as well as feel that way. I love my dad and hang out with him a lot, but I wouldn’t want to date him (metaphorically speaking).

    And many of these gentlemen have already had kids once. Some haven’t and if it is that important to them to do so before they exit this earth, I can’t fault that.

    But I truly don’t understand wanting second and third batches of kids when you are old enough to already be a grand parent from the get-go. It isn’t fair to the children or the woman who had them in her 20’s or 30’s with the older guy and then suddenly he is gone and she is raising them alone. Not knocking the women who chose this option, I just have never understood it or wanted that for myself.

    I said this in another post – I have friends in their early 20’s to a friend who is 102. I also tried to date younger – um, a lot younger to make sure I wasn’t being too biased. As in he was 21 and I was 34. He was really smart, mature for his age for the most part, in a band and way out of my comfort soon and normal dating age range. Yikes! He lived in a tent and rode a bike (bicycle, not Harley) and I soon found out his mother was only 3 years older than I and as it turns out, also named Jessica. Need I say more …?!?

    I went from sometimes not feeling old enough or mature enough or my true age to feeling like Mrs. Robinson.

    I still value the time I spent with him and there were some great things about it – also learned a lot about relationships and myself. One is that dating much younger than I – more than 3 or 4 years way doesn’t work for me at my current age. Might as I get older and he gets older too : )

    I also learned that you can keep an open mind and you most certainly should, but there is also nothing wrong with knowing your mind (and heart) and sticking to your guns and your intuition.

    What and how you feel, is what and how you feel. Just as is the case for Dale. Same for what you want and/or need. But you still have to take the other person’s preferences and stipulations into real account. IF by some chance you meet them and you both fall without age coming into play and it turns out the age difference is more than you are normally comfortable with, but you care about him and it works for you, then go for it. Otherwise, “the force is not with you…” Don’t try to force it.

    Please don’t put us in the position of having to either be rude and ignore you (guys like Dale) or to have to spend endless amts. of time explaining and/or justifying why we put the age range (in clear print) that we did on our profiles. You have better things to do than having to read those explanations, and we have better things to do than have to write them. Time spent doing so could be on finding someone who was a true fit.

    That said, I do wish Dale the best of luck in finding what he seeks.

    1. 17.1

      I have found that en don’t bother to read profiles they are only interested in photos.

  18. 18

    to jessica,

    ….according to statistics, most of the best marriages, involved people, with a 15 year age difference…………

    1. 18.2
      Alpha Bat

      These statistics are from which era? Do these include  men who are 15 years younger than women as well?


  19. 19

    Interesting thread. This general subject matter is treated in several other threads (Where are Emotionally Available, Mentally Healthy Men). Dale’s hope is not the most reasonable, given the facts. Evan’s response is terrific.

    I think there is an undiscussed gray area here. I posted on this subject the the aforementioned thread in several posts, so I’ll combine and edit…

    “However, a vast majority (74%) of American women say they would marry for money. To be fair, plenty of men polled said they would also, but significantly few #’s than women. this is also borne out by most men’s personal experience. Also, take a look on It is shocking to see how many women only seek men who make who make 2x (or more) than what she makes.

    There are also other reasons women want men who make substantially more so that women have options (have kids, not have kids, stay home, pursue additional education, etc.) Many men feel women ignore this fundamental imbalance – that women, no matter what they earn, see having these options as their right (via men who earn more), but that men have no such option….it is simply their job to earn. I grant there are exceptions, but they are so few & far between so as not to be mentionable. The simple point is that we as men are just to earn so she has options.

    I actually had this conversation with my mother recently when she questioned why I do not want to marry. When I made my point about how I have no options but that women do (see above), she said “That’s what you’re supposed to do as a man.” (Yes, even she knows the deck’s stacked in her favor.) I said, “Mom, they banned indentured servitude 200-plus years ago. It seems a better option for me to keep my freedom and options.” Her response…”Well, I don’t want to argue about this anymore.”

    Lastly, one cannot discount the divorce rate and the effect of divorce laws. Women initiate divorces about 70% of the time (See AARP and Discovery Health). Further, depending on where you live, the divorce rate exceeds 50% in most highly populus places (esp. ‘no-fault’ states). In AZ, it was 65% in 2005 (See CA, the 800 pound gorilla in terms of population (and who do not report divorce stats to Census), is very high: Average Divorce Rate: 75.54%** (Reference: Court Statistics Reports for 1996-2004.)

    I’m not going to comment on divorce laws and how they operate to divide property. That is a definite subject of another thread Evan may start one if he wished. Is does exist, though.

    What I try to show by the above points is the context within men are making their dating choices. Many women and men are told by major publications (NYT) that men are unnecessary. (Except to pay for the dating/mating) Women can and often do earn more than men (see above). JuJu herself mentioned that in seeking men who earn more (and are generous with it) women have more options than men. Depending on where you live, the divorce rate far exceeds 50%, with 70% of those divorces (and, by proxy, long term relationships) initiated by women.

    Is it any wonder that increasing numbers of men chafe at paying nearly everything in the dating/mating dance? From day 1, men have to pay to date. JuJu noted that women want men who will give them options regarding children (and my addition of other options). Men have no options there (generally). They must work for her options. Women seek men who make more money than they. Then, once married and legally entitled to 1/2 of his income and property, they initiate divorce 70% of the time. And then men pay in the end. (I grant there are exceptions, but they are so few in number, so as not to merit mention.)

    I bring this up to make the point that men have no qualms going for younger women, since all women, younger and older, look at him and his wallet. This is a generalization, but an accurate one based upon the evidence. Why do you think you do see many young women on the arm of men far older than they? If men are going to pay, pay for what you desire. (No moral judgments here – just a summarization of what occurs in the real world, like it or not).

    The point of all of this? In general, men like younger women. They are usually more fun, usually physically more attractive, less likely to have a ceaseless focus on men’s fallabilities. After the aforementioned divorce or ended long term relationship, most men I have talked to just want something simple (though not a brainless organ grinding chimp) and to have fun. They often see their 20’s and 30’s as a waste of their youth and fun time due to their previously mentioned divorce, LTR. Now in their 40’s and up they prefer younger, simpler women.

    Also, this is very non-PC, but so what? Men can afford to go after younger women also. Not monetarily speaking (but oh boy does it factor in – see above), but in this way – Men, as we age, generally get more distinguished and attractive (presuming we don’t go completely to pot) to a wider range of women older & younger. Our options increase to a wider range. Women simply do not. Their options therefore reduce as men’s options increase. Yes I know what I just wrote is unpopular, but it occurs enough to merit mention.

    That said, women in their 20’s likely do have more dating options than men in their 20’s, generally speaking (particularly if they are good-looking). My belief is that women in general are more likely to choose men who make and/or have significantly more money. So women in their 20’s have the option of men in their 20’s, 30’s 40’s & up.

    I do not say this by way of complaint. It say it to present a ‘big picture’ view of these factors. Regarding the specifics, I do believe Dale’s desires are less than reasonable based upon the evidence presented. However, they are not without basis in reality.

    One man’s perspective….

    1. 19.1

      I disagree with your point that men can “afford” to go after younger women because they somehow get better with age. I’m a 32 year old woman who has seen my fair share of emails from men too old for me. They do not, on average, become more attractive than men my age. All the women I know who are my age share this opinion. Most of the older men who have contacted me are gray  and  balding, paunchy and not at all attractive to me, a young, fit woman who is looking for a peer, a partner, as Evan stated. With few exceptions, I tend to think that men more than ten years older than me are skeevy, immature pervs just looking for a pretty young thing to soothe their wounded egos. Most of the older men who contact me are divorced and probably just looking to have fun. I’m interested in marriage and children and I will not let a man waste my valuable time just playing around. As far as women not getting better with age, um, have you seen actresses like Halle Berry, Sandra Bullock or Demi Moore? Women can, and do, age very well if they take care of themselves. That’s far more than I can say for the average older guy, who’s typically fat, balding and developing hair in places I’d rather not think about. I’m sorry if my views seem callous. Maybe they are, but it’s coming from the viewpoint of someone who is sick of being hit on by men who are way too old for me.

      1. 19.1.1

        Jenn, I was with you up until the final few sentences. You name 3 Hollywood actresses who are very good looking for their age, abut are hardly the norm. Also, it should be noted that these women have had a fair amount of plastic surgery. You named 3. I can name more than that who are women near 50 or older that are beautiful, and in shape. But again, most have had plastic surgery, and hired personal trainers to keep them in shape, which is a must in their profession.

        At the same time, I can name as many men in Hollywood that are 50+, in great shape and good looking. I am sure that most of them have also had a nip or tuck, here or there. And they too often use personal trainers.

        In the real world, there are some women who keep in shape well into their 50s and beyond. They are rare. Same for men, but looking around, the men have the advantage here. Why? More of them have physical jobs that make them burn the calories.

        But here’s the thing…and it is my new philosophy on this. Weight is something that can be fixed, and often quite quickly. If you meet a man who is out of shape, but he seems to have a lot of great qualities, see if you can get him interested in doing active things with you…as a friend. You never know…he may just be a frog that turns into a Prince. And he is going to like the way he looks and feels, and he will realize that you are a big reason he feels that way.

        1. Maureen

          Hi I found these posts interesting, but have to agree that the average man on dating sites are very very unattractive. They have not taken care of themselves. Fat bellies, bad teeth, balding and manboobs do nothing for me. I am 64 attractive female who has young boys hitting on me but I am trying to find a partner that loves me and to love him back.   Women in their 60s are much more attractive than the men on dating sites. They can afford a younger model if they are extremely rich…i would rather stay single than go to bed with most men on dating sites. Ok, there are a few attractive men in their 60s who are sporty and kept in shape,but they are few and far between and they too can hit it on attractive younger women.   This is just my opinion.  

        2. RustyLH

          I think that is a matter of perspective, which influences opinion.   I look at the profiles of the men to check out the competition and from my perspective, I always come away with the attitude that there aren’t nearly enough good looking women on the sit for all the decent looking men.   Trust me, most of the women on dating sites are not very attractive to me.   The same complaints that many women have of the men on those sites, I have of the women on the sites I have been on.   I always see women on these sites talking as if all or even most women have maintained themselves well past 30, while most men have let themselves go.   I have news for you…the vast majority of women on dating sites are either not attractive, fat or both.   So it goes both ways.   The fact is, Americans in general have it too easy and are out of shape as a result.   Most make no effort to stay in shape.

        3. Mary

          Even men in Hollywood who were once considered gorgeous still look very feminine as they age. I’ve never seen an extremely good-looking man over 50 and I doubt I ever will there’s just too much estrogen balding and bellies… and why do men always say that they look 10 to 15 years younger and they work out. The Jig Is up you look your age trust me!

      2. 19.1.2

        Seriously! The men start looking kinda gross after they turn 33. They look so old. White guys anyway.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          Now imagine you’re on a blog where the men say that women start looking kinda gross after 25. How does that feel? Exactly.

        2. haircutta

          AGREED, Priya!   Most Caucasians do NOT age well, the men especially – wrinkled and weather-beaten looking from 35, some as early as 27….melanin is a blessing!

        3. Mary

          Ummm… most men who are 50 think women over 40 are gross so we are entitled to the same opinion..

    2. 19.2

      Younger woman have way more options now in terms of education and job opportunities and who they marry. They overwhelmingly choose men close to their own age, as do most women.
      Odds of a man marrying a woman:
      The same age or older: 47%
      2-5 yrs younger: 34%
      5-9 yrs younger: 12%
      10+ yrs younger: 7%

      1. 19.2.1

        ^^The stats listed above are from 2006 census bureau data.  
        I have no idea why older men think that younger women are interested in them, when clearly the vast majority are not.

        1. Karmic Equation

          C’mon Lisa. You’re killing Rusty’s fantasies. lol
          All kidding aside. I think most women may (and want to) MARRY as indicated in your stats, but when they’re young and sowing their oats, older men with money are an option, depending on how good looking that older man is. Or how beautiful/desperate the woman is. A guy at my gym has a stripper gal-pal at least 10 yrs younger than he.
          But generally speaking, young women who are healthy emotionally   and financially don’t tend to go more than 5+ years up when looking for a “serious” relationship in which to settle down. My bfs when I was in my 20’s ranged from 3 to 6 years older. (I married the guy 6 years older).

        2. RustyLH

          About three-quarters (77 percent) had spouses whose ages were within 5 years of one another compared with two-thirds (68 percent) of opposite-sex cohabiters and 60 percent of same-sex couples. Same-sex couples were less similar in age: one-fifth of the couples (21 percent) had a partner who was at least 10 years older than the other, twice as high as opposite-sex married couples.
          Source:     Pg. 20
          As you can see Lisa, 23 percent of marriages involve an age difference greater than 5 years.   10.5% involve an age difference greater than 10 years.   The majority of these with the man being the older partner.
          You and a few other ladies seem to think that telling men that younger women don’t want to date them will actually make men say, “WOW, really?   Well golly gee, I guess I better stop trying to date them.”   The truth is Lisa, you are wrong.   Men find no shortage of younger women willing to marry to marry them, and vastly more willing to date, or enter into short term relationships.   When our experiences don’t match what you are saying, you can be sure we won’t be paying attention to your “instructions.”
          @Karmic Equation – yours is anecdotal evidence.   While I will agree with you that it will be more likely that a much younger woman (same with much younger men) will not be financially well off, but there are plenty who are financially solvent that date much older men.   It’s simply a matter of incentive.   But since men have no problem being the provider, they have the advantage here.   Older women are much less willing to be the main bread winner, or take on a good person who has a significant amount of debt.   Often, the more mature a woman is mentally and emotionally, the more she will be open to dating an older man.   Also, the more independent she is, the less she feels the dependent on approval from family and friends, the more likely she will be open to dating older men.
          The vast majority of women I date and have married are all between 6 to 15 years younger.   Sorry, but I’m not the one who is dreaming.

      2. 19.2.2

        This debate is very interesting.   Yes, some people live in denial and think they still look good when the looks are gone.   Some people think 15 lbs overweight is staying in shape.   Two things are very clear.   Older men think the younger women should be interested in having families with them and it appears that most younger women have other plans.   So you take your risk with playing the odds.   I think younger women, unless very needy,   are too smart to play into the somewhat above average male’s needy ego game.   I find it unreasonable to doubt someone’s word.   I am 60 and look 45.   I am gluten free and exercise every day, have used the best of face treatments since 30 and have good genes.   Generalizations serve no purpose.   I am just happy I can support myself, so I don’t have to put up with the psyche of the older male.

  20. 20

    I am actually not arguing a man’s right to pursue younger women or saying that they shouldn’t. Just that it doesn’t work for me and as such, I would like for older gentlemen to respect my stated wishes and preferences and focus on those women who do want a more seasoned partner.

    As for the seeing a man as a wallet – I know there are a lot of women out there who do that, but I have NEVER done that – I take care of myself and I tend to look at income if mentioned in their profile in terms of is he divorced with an ex wife and kids to support as a consideration because it might mean that we wouldn’t be in very good financial shape AS A COUPLE if he has four kids. Not that he can’t keep me in style.

    I don’t respect women who expect men to buy them drinks in bars or to drop a lot of cash on them just because they are men and it is their “job” – whether it be a first date, the tenth, their wedding date or what have you.

    Relationships are about compromise and give and take and that applies to finances too. Unlike a lot of Evan’s bloggers, I am not a woman who makes a lot of money – though I still make more than many women in general – and many things are still a struggle for me as I attempt to get education/training/degree number 3.

    Even so, I still do not assume anything and if the man does pay, I never order anything expensive – doesn’t matter whether he makes a lot of money or not. Though I am even more careful if I know that he doesn’t or that much of it is already promised elsewhere. I too reciprocate by baking cookies, renting movies – whatever I can afford to do.

    IF someone invites me out and I am not clear that he is paying because he asked, then I will politely say that sounds like fun, but usually mention that I might want to do something that is relatively cost free as money is very tight and a concern right now. NOT fishing to make him pay. And I often try to pay my half of the check too.

    Though this actually has offended some men who then think I didn’t consider it a real date or that I must not like them enough to let them pay. I don’t necessarily disagree with Verbosity in what you stated. I know women who have dated and married men 10-15 years their Senior. Some are very happy and some find the age difference has become a marked problem. One of them is 15 years younger than her second husband and people frequently assume he is her father or the grandfather of her kids. They don’t like the same music and have pretty different views on a lot of things. If it works for someone, then more power to them! Though I am honest in saying I don’t understand having two and three sets of kids into retirement age with them being babies at the time.

    I feel like a kid when I date a man that much older. Maybe it is because I am changing careers again, still in an apartment, and look younger than I am – by a lot! I personally am uncomfortable enough with the age difference that I am not able to be myself. To my way of thinking – being terribly conscious of a big age gap and feeling weird and not being me would decrease the odds of a successful relationship and/or marriage despite the statistics Hunter mentions.

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