He Wants A Threesome But I’m A Good Girl

Hello Evan, I have a tough question. I have been dating this man for a long time. He is 37 and I am 34. On many levels, we fit nicely, and I consider him my friend in many things. The one area where we don’t match is sexually, and he has been trying to FIX ME for a long time. I am a GOOD GIRL and was brought up to not sleep around. At my age you would think I should be more advanced, but I am not. I just figured I would save myself for the guy I would marry. I am not sure if I was sold a fairy tale by my parents, but that is how I was raised.

The man I am dating is very sexually advanced and needs extreme sexual experiences. He is a voyeur and likes watching people. We have been idle in the relationship for 2 years; he doesn’t want to move forward because I will not participate in a threesome. I have stood my ground and even tried to end the relationship, but he looks for me all the time and I fall back into talking to him. I finally told him I cannot participate in that, and that I don’t feel comfortable, and that maybe we should be just friends. At first he didn’t like it, but had to accept it. Now he calls me drunk and is very vindictive telling me that I messed up his life, because he planned to marry me, but needed me to be more sexually open.

 

Evan, I feel like I have everything else that a man wants, but I don’t feel like I should participate in sexual acts I am not comfortable with. I really liked him for other factors. He is a good father to his children, he was consistent with me, and he tried to make things work between us, but he is flawed in trying to make me do something I don’t want to do. I feel sad and confused and wonder if I am wrong in not being open to extreme things. –With A Man But Still Lonely

Dear WAMBSL,

Listen, for all I tell women to accept men as they are, that means accepting only what’s acceptable.

A tough question requires me to think about my answer, to provide balance and nuance, to consider my words extremely carefully, and to hedge my bets just in case I come off too strong.

Your question? Your question is easy.

And the answer is the same as, oh, 80% of all inquiries I receive from women:

Cut him loose.

You did this already, but neither of you seem to have gotten the memo. When you cut a guy loose, it means you stop talking entirely, tell him to lose your phone number, and start dating other people.

What don’t you do? Write to a dating coach about whether you should have given him a chance.

Listen, for all I tell women to accept men as they are, that means accepting only what’s acceptable.

Acceptable is that he loves watching football on Sundays with his guy friends.

Acceptable is that he’ll go to bachelor parties at strip clubs from time to time.

Acceptable is that he’s still Facebook friends with his exes.

Acceptable is that he’s content in a career that is stable but will never make him rich.

Acceptable is that he’s got terrible taste in music and clothing.

These are character traits that are about him, and don’t actually impact you in any negative tangible way.

Things like this are non-negotiable, which is why you should really stop negotiating.

That said, if a guy spends all of his time and money at strip clubs, stays up until 2am every night studying fantasy football without sleeping besides you, and writes inappropriate sexual comments on his ex-girlfriend’s Wall, that’s an entirely different story. What I want you to do is be able to distinguish what you should compromise on (most things) and what you shouldn’t compromise on (character, commitment, values).

A man who insists that monogamy to you includes the presence of another woman is a man that should be kicked to the curb instantly. This doesn’t mean that he’s a bad human being or a bad father; it just means that his goals – polyamory – don’t line up with your goals – good old fashioned one-on-one monogamy.

Even though I think he’s wrong, I’m not going to say he’s “wrong”. If he finds a woman who likes to swing, then God bless all three (or four) of them. It’s just not going to be you, that’s all.

Things like this are non-negotiable, which is why you should really stop negotiating.

Because, without knowing either of you, his reaction to your stance is nothing if not childish:

He’s trying to “fix” you?
He’s drunk dialing you, telling you that you messed up his life?
He’s holding onto this pipe dream for two years after you said no?
Finally, he’s willing to put his desire for a threesome OVER your relationship?

Sweetie, get a clue. This guy is bad news – not just for you, but for any woman who believes that monogamy doesn’t involve a second woman.

The fact is that just about every guy would like to have a threesome – that’s standard, boilerplate, 21st century male fantasy. But if a man is willing to put his fantasy over your reality, he’s already established that he’s too selfish to be a good partner.

Stop returning his calls. Unfriend him on Facebook. And tell him to lose your number now.

There’s no shortage of men who would appreciate a good girl – as long as you have a bad side, too.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Just Me

    Evan, you’re THE best!  Great advice.  On point, dude.  If one isn’t comfortable, the relationship is doomed and leaving is the best option.

  2. 2
    nathan

    I had a women on our second date tell me she wanted to have a threesome with me and someone else. Needless to say, we didn’t make it to date number three.
    If you’re not into that kind of thing, you’re not. And if your partner is fixated on having that, the relationship is probably doomed.
     

  3. 3
    SS

    Great response Evan! I don’t think it was harsh in the least, WAMBSL needed a wake up call and it’s exactly what you gave her.
    I feel so bad for WAMBSL, having this scumbag try to “fix her” from her traditional ways and values. Why do women feel their needs and values take a back seat to what their partner wants? That is not a partner, a  partner accepts one for who they are (accepts whats acceptable of course) and does not try to alter them.
    @WAMBSL: You are NOT broken, thus you don’t need “fixing” never let anyone try to convince you otherwise.

  4. 4
    Lisa M.

    This should have been a no-brainer. He’s a manipulative, entitled self-centered jerk who wants his cake and wants to eat it too. So, I don’t see what she needed advice for. Did she want you a say, “give him a chance”? I mean, really? When will women stop waiting for someone to tell us or give us permission to seek out the best partner that we can attract and stop compromising for what we want and should have in a man. I doubt many men would be confused if they met a woman who wanted them to compromise themselves. They would simply move on to the woman that was best for them. But, we as women, somehow always feel the need to hang in there — waiting, hoping that he will eventually change and become the man we really want. It’s not going to happen — move the hell and find the man that makes you happy. The end.

  5. 5
    Jayne

    Evan, I read your posts all the time. And I was curious as to how you would handle this one. As always, with dignity and pride. Great job! I could not have done it, that is for sure, and I handle tough situations all the time! I am so glad I know you! (At least online!)

  6. 6
    Judy

    Evan totally on the mark! You’re letting us know to respect ourselves and only accept the acceptable. Keep on writing, and answering our questions. FYI I’ve been a relationship for nine months and without your advice I probably would have blown it. That ‘mirroring behavior” really works!Not to mention being the “yes” girl within reason, so the “no’s” which are few are totally respected!!
    Thanks

  7. 7
    starthrower68

    @ Lisa M. #4,

    Go ‘head girl! While I feel compassion for the disappointment that WAMBSL is probably feeling, it’s relatively short and painless compared to trying to be in a relationship with this guy.  The fact that he called her and accused her of ruining his life because she wouldn’t engage in the threesome just shows that she’s lost nothing.  She didn’t tell HIM he couldn’t have his however-many-some he wants; she just refused to engage.  I’ve had this sort of question asked at me before and when the dude gets all indignant I just tell him that I don’t care if he goes out and does it with 10 or more women at a time but I’m not participating and he’s free to move on.

  8. 8
    Annie

    Great reply Evan.

    Definately cut this guy loose.  This man can have whatever fantasies he wants, just stay out of it, if it feels uncomfortable. Sex to him is obviously not something that is give and take, it is all about taking.

    You didn’t mess up his life, and he’s behaving childishly. Hope you find some-one nice in your life that doesn’t try and make you feel as though something is wrong with you for no reason.

  9. 9
    Dawn

    Right on. Say goodbye…open yourself up to someone who respects you. Forget him…he’s an ass.

    xoxo

  10. 10
    JerseyGirl

    With A Man But Still Lonely, any man that tells you you messed up his life all because you wouldn’t have a threesome is not a good man. You should be able to be completely your best self when you are with someone. The right man for you will celebrate your sexuality and being a “good girl”. And while I agree with Evan’s advice, even Evan’s personal list of what he deems accetable in a man (football sundays, bachelor party strip club visits, Facebook friends with exes, no desire to achieve more in his career..) are still a matter of personal opinion. Some of these work for people and some of them don’t. And that doesn’t make you wrong if you don’t like any one of those. It’s about standing up for what works for you and not apologizing for it and the right man won’t make you feel ashamed for it and he will infact do everything he can to please you.
     

  11. 11
    Karl R

    WAMBSL,
    You and your boyfriend are more alike than you realize. You are both old enough to know what you like. You are old enough to be set in your ways. And you are both too foolish to believe that the other one is set in their ways too.

    What are you expecting to change?

    WAMBSL said: (original post)
    “Now he calls me drunk and is very vindictive telling me that I messed up his life, because he planned to marry me, but needed me to be more sexually open.”

    This sounds mentally imbalanced.

    I plan to marry my fiancée (note that she’s a fiancée, not “a woman I’m dating”). If she decided to break off the engagement, it wouldn’t mess up my life. It might make the next year suck. Life would go on. I’d find someone else and have a great life.

    Cut him loose … and then get a restraining order. Make a recording of one of his drunken calls where he accuses you of ruining your life. That should help persuade the judge/jury.

  12. 12
    Flower White

    Hey! Nothing wrong with the GUY-he’s doing what men do-trying to get away with as much as possible! He’s attempting to get her to conform to his perversions.
    Walk. Away. Don’t. Look. Back!
     
    I live in San Francisco there are MANY men who are  sexually ‘adventerous’ like that. I get good excercise ducking and dodging them.

  13. 13
    Daphne

    I live in SF too, and wouldn’t call the BF perverse because of what he wanted to do. (To each their own, and the ex BF can find another woman who’s interested in that). He was perverse because he was trying to coerce and harass someone into it! Also, not letting go really makes me think that the restraining order is a good idea.

  14. 14
    Rob

    The threesome/no thanks is a fundamental (sexual) incompatibility between the two people that would probably doom the relationship. Other behaviors are more troubling. “Trying to FIX” another person, blaming someone else for your unhappiness, and changing  behavior when intoxicated all point to serious personality problems. This person will be unable to have a healthy relationship with anyone. Smells like an abusive alcoholic to me.
    Don’t walk away: run. Run to your friends for emotional support so you don’t feel a need for him. Next time he calls ask him to leave you alone.  If he doesn’t or is abusive, tell him you will hit him with a restraining order. If he becomes angrier or calls again, follow through.

  15. 15
    Margo

    To the OP, you have yourself a scumbag. What is there to question? What is there to think about? To use a phrase by Natalie Lue of Baggage Reclaim, “flush the handle on the toilet”. Please. He is ridiculous.

  16. 16
    my honest answer

    You need to sack this guy off, stat. It doesn’t matter if you think everything else is fine – he really wants something you DON’T want, so you are not a good match.
     
    It wouldn’t matter to me whether it was a house move, or a threesome, you are on totally different sides.
     
    Move along. Now.

  17. 17
    MH

    If she doesn’t feel she could do a threesome, she shouldn’t. She will regret it.

  18. 18
    TW

    I agree w/ you Evan.  This isn’t a sex issue, it’s a power issue.
    WMABSL: if he asks again (if you’re still accepting calls from him) reluctantly agree to a threesome, but only if he brings his handsome buddy.  ;)

  19. 19
    Christie Hartman

    Two words for the OP: Sexually Incompatible.
     
    When you differ this much in such a fundamental area, it won’t work, period. He’s an experimenter, you’re conservative. It’s a bad match. If it were just that, I’d say he isn’t a bad guy, just not the guy for you. But his calling you and whining that you ruined his life because you wouldn’t change for him… here’s one more word:
     
    Jerk.

  20. 20
    starthrower68

    I was recently contacted by a guy who’s very clear that he is all about a woman wearing lingerie and a lot of make-up.  That is not outrageous and something that a woman might not completely get (though I don’t think it’s difficult to understand) but would be one of those things it wouldn’t hurt her to do and would seem very petty if she were unwilling.  But the threesome is another issue; at that point, the relationship ceases to be exclusive because I guarantee you the “extra” partner will be participating in everything that the OP and her ex bf would have been doing, sexual or not.  Eventually WMABSL would have been pushed out while ex bf and extra partner go on to find a new third wheel because once ex bf got what he wanted, he’d have to keep pushing the envelope.  His drunken call to her was anger over her not giving him what he wanted.  For some people, it’s not enough to just move on and find what he or she does want.  They have to get angry with the ex for not being compliant.  That’s indicative of a very immature, limited person and not one who’s even remotely a good bet for the future.

  21. 21
    Flower White

    I’d like to thank Evan for such a great blog and such a great board. Though some people appear to post just to put down others posts (easy to ignore), Evan and his intern make sure that it doesn’t get out of hand and for that I thank them.

    Yes I live in San Francisco and yes I speak for myself. 

  22. 22
    Darren Miller

     Girl, you need to get this man out of your life. As much as some people try to deny it, physical intimacy and sex is important in a relationship. Along with communication it builds the foundation of your relationship and creates a connection between the two of you. It doesn’t matter how perfect things are in other areas of the relationship, if you are not happy and feel pressurised in the bedroom, it just won’t work.

    It sounds to me as if he is being very selfish. If he truly loved you he would understand how you felt about his requests and he would keep them as a fantasy. Who knows, in the future you may change your mind, but now is not the time.

    You do need to cut him out entirely. For as long as you are in contact with this man, he will always be there hoping for another chance. Show him you can move on and don’t need him by having no contact with him at all. Don’t answer his calls or texts. You are just fine without him.

    And there is a man out there for you who is compatible in every aspect. Don’t waste your time on someone who makes you feel the way you do.

  23. 23
    Gem

    This isn’t about threesomes or being a good girl. This is about respect. It doesn’t matter what the issue is that a couple might differ on, being disrespectful, entitled, a bully and, guilt tripping someone are not qualities you want in a partner. Stone wall him. No calls, no visits, nothing. Move on.

  24. 24
    amazingg0477

    Just have to point out that wanting to or participating in a threesome does not make one either a “good girl” or a “bad girl”.  It simply makes you a girl that likes threesomes!

    The only problem here is that she is not comfortable/willing to do this and he is pushing.  Let’s not assign a value judgement on either of them  for wanting/not wanting to be involved in this particular sexual act.

  25. 25
    starthrower68

    Calling WMABSL drunk and accusing her of ruining his life is substantially more than pushing.  It’s bad behavior and indicative of lousy character.  In WMABSL’s eyes, she would feel like a bad person after engaging in such an act and it is her right and perogative to feel that way.  She didn’t say the ex bf was bad and didn’t try to begrudge him his desire to do it with 50 women at a time if he pleased.

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