I’d Rather Have Sex With My Cheating Ex Than With My Devoted Boyfriend

What is wrong with me?? I have been searching for a sweet, wonderful guy. Along the way, I met someone that I adored, but I found out that he was sleeping with someone else. I confronted him and told him that I had to be the only one. He said he wasn't ready or willing to settle down with one person. So, I continued my search and met Mr. Wonderful. He adores me, is ready to propose, but I have a problem–our sex life is not good, and I find myself dreaming about Mr. Two-Timer, who was great in bed. What's worse, Mr. Two-Timer, who couldn't commit, now has a committed relationship with the other woman.

I'm still jealous and feeling hurt over him, while I've got this wonderful guy who loves me and wants to commit. I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with me? Can sex, or boring sex, cloud one’s judgment this much??


Dear Lisa,

Isn’t it a shame there isn’t a correlation between “nice”and “great-in-bed”

(Millions of men who have slept with hot crazy women are nodding right now.)

The truth is that attraction and devotion are two things that CAN go together but don’t INHERENTLY go together. In fact, it would probably be more accurate to state that attraction and devotion are at opposite poles.

(Millions of women who have gone out with non-committal bad boys are nodding right now.)

He was SLEEPING with someone else, which instantly disqualifies him for his free gift from the Boyfriend-of-the-Month Club. Good riddance.

So what’s a nice girl who wants a nice guy with awesome bedroom skills to do?

Well, as a dating coach who tries to train all of his clients to become their OWN dating coach, here’s what I’d suggest: Look at the things you cannot change.

Mr. Two-Timer is a two-timer. It doesn’t matter if you initially adored him, he was SLEEPING with someone else, which instantly disqualifies him for his free gift from the Boyfriend-of-the-Month Club. Good riddance.

Mr. Two-Timer has another 120lbs of baggage, his new girlfriend. Don’t get too upset. She’ll learn his nickname soon enough. Although maybe not until a few years into their marriage. Be glad that he’s her problem, not yours.

Oh, but then there’s the sex thing. Why does sex always have to get in the way of such beautiful friendships?

(Millions of women who want to marry their gay best friends are nodding right now.)

Thankfully, sex is something that can change, especially if the parties involved are motivated to change. If you don’t believe me, consider what you know about sex now as compared with when you were say, 16. Have you learned a thing or two? I sure hope so.

Where things get sticky (not literally) is in trying to finesse HOW to get Mr. Devoted to WANT to change. Does he have any idea that you’re dissatisfied with your love life? Have you been faking your way through the past year? If so, it’s going to come as quite a shock to this guy that, oops, I’ve been lying to you this entire time…. 

I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. I can only imagine if my fiance suddenly let me know that my mad sex skillz were merely elementary to her. There’d be embarrassment, shame, and a severe loss of confidence. See, that’s the hardest part to fix.

The same way a woman who’s been cheated on will have great difficulty trusting a man if she takes him back, a man who has been told he’s got no game is always going to feel like he’s falling short.

But you haven’t given your guy a roadmap to please you, you’re just hoping he’s got his own built-in GPS.

And a guy who feels like he’s falling short is NEVER going to be confident enough to be good in bed. Let’s face it: being good in bed for a man is ALL about confidence. Sure, it helps to be properly equipped, but for the most part, it’s about knowing what you’re doing, playing a dominant role, knowing when to please and be pleased, experimenting, having stamina, and so on.

All of this stuff can improve with practice. But it is not going to improve until you start letting him know what you need. And that’s where you’ve fallen short, Lisa. You’re not wrong for desiring two men in two different ways. But you haven’t given your guy a roadmap to please you, you’re just hoping he’s got his own built-in GPS. Sorry, babe. Doesn’t always work like that.

Instead of telling him what he’s doing wrong, let him know what you’d like. You want to be tied up. You want to use a vibrator. You want him to take you from behind. Whatever. This guy WANTS to please you, all you have to do is show him how. And if that doesn’t take, there’s always Kama Sutra guides and sex therapists.

But it’s clear to me that you’ve got a far better shot of turning Mr. Devoted into Mr. Spank Me Harder than you do of turning Mr. Two-Timer With Another Girlfriend into Mr. Monogamous.

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  1. 31
    Cathouse Teri

    Lisa, I don’t believe you said it lasted a year. In fact, I kept reading it over when I read the comments that said it did. That’s why I put the question mark.

    You have been a good sport for hanging around and not getting defensive. I was giving you straight, hard talk because it’s best to have a number of views in these matters. More importantly, from a number of different types of people. But I wasn’t kidding. This is about you. And making sure you really go after what you want. Anything but that is not fair to anyone. Especially you.

  2. 32

    Interesting how my little observation about the nice guy/girl and less-than-crazy-hot-monkey love generated such response.

    I’ve observed and talked with members of both sexes and almost universally, they say the best sex each had was with the a-holes or the crazy bitches. Sorry, but that’s what I’ve seen. Not saying ‘nice’ people aren’t good in bed, just not as good. There’s a difference.

  3. 33

    I happened to agree that the the no. of past partners is immaterial. But if the “nice person=bed sex” is the perception most people have, then I would say the no. and quality of your date’s past partners suddenly becomes very important.
    You don’t want to get stuck with someone who sees sex with you as inferior to what they had with assholes/crazy bitches.

  4. 34

    and to expand on that… for me and plenty other “nice people” an asshole/crazy bitch would never reach to the bed stage.

    oh and Lisa, thanks for starting a nice instructional thread entitled “Become a jerk and chics will queue to you”.

  5. 35

    sorry should be nice person=bad sex

  6. 36

    on post #34

    young women are attracted to “jerks.”……

  7. 37

    Physical attraction certainly doesn’t guarantee good sex. Some good-looking people are very self-centered, which doesn’t make for good sexual performance (or being a good partner). But the “great body” comment raises the question of whether greater attractiveness leaves an exaggerated impression of performance after the act is over. Halo effect.

  8. 38

    @Cinnamon , post #34, Lisa did not do that. She sent a letter to Evan and was then good enough to satisfy our curiosity by posting a follow up. I think some regular commentators morphed the subject into what you are talking about.

    Here is a thought on that subject.

    If someone is hooked up with a nice person and they are having great sex then they are likely not having any problems to motivate them to send emails into dating blogs.

  9. 39

    thanks Steve,
    Sorry, I don’t really have a problem with Lisa’s post, I wouldn’t be able to count all the situations when a genuinely nice guy was interested in me and I did not feel the same way. Each time I concluded it would be unfair towards the guy to lead him on. It had absolutely nothing to do with the guy’s possible style of lovemaking.
    If you are attracted to someone, then as little as a kiss in the neck will send you to heaven.

    I cannot agree that women are attracted to jerks, but many women are attracted to confident men (some of them happen to turn out jerks, but these two things are unrelated).
    It takes some time to get over a guy who you thought was adorable, but turned out to be a jerk. It doesn’t happen overnight.

    You can be a nice person, man or woman, and still be able to assert yourself, show imagination, sense of humor, love variety, be passionate, be able to take up a fight (and play fair) and so on, and so on.

    and vino,
    By claiming that nice people aren’t just as good in bed, you are likely to make mature, emotionally healthy women feel, exactly, inadequate. I’m not sure if that’s your intention.

  10. 40

    My friend cinn,

    Actually, I am saying that when people compare sex (and they do – both sexes), the hot crazy sex with usually the crazy person is the more memorable. I’m not saying the crazy person is worth it for the sex at all. Quite the opposite. The highs (such as sex) are higher, and the lows are lower. Not healthy at all.

    But when viewing sex as a comparison as our OP Lisa has done, “you are likely to make mature, emotionally healthy women (and men, as this thread’s subject) feel, exactly, inadequate.”

    Actually I didn’t direct my comments with the purpose of making women feel bad at all. I thought they were unisex, applying equally to both.

  11. 41
    Cute Redhead

    You mean, you guys haven’t had hot sex with a nice person? Wow. Shocking! Because that is absolutely the best. It’s just mind-blowing. But if you aren’t wired that way maybe it isn’t possible for you. I mean, if you need that sado-masochistic thing to get off — that’s too bad. Now THAT I would say would be a good reason to get into therapy.

    But I guess if that’s what you need to get off there is probably some incentive to think that “everybody” is that way and so to see everybody that way. Must be very sad and lonely.

  12. 42

    Do people even read what’s written anymore? Or do they just attach whatever exaggerated meaning they choose to read into things in order to suit their tastes?

  13. 43

    @Cute Redhead, post #41: ROFL.
    When I see the same message reiterated many times I think people are talking from being screwed or having read something in a book. Either way it reflects a paucity of experience. Is your alias inspired by the “cute redhead” from the peanuts cartoon?

  14. 44


  15. 45

    Gawd this sounds like my life, although Im sort of trapped now and ready to marry the guy in 3 weeks, it worries me this is my life forever with one minute man,  I hear you, good sex is something that feels good, lasts and isnt over in a minute.  I believe hes a lazy lover.  I have spoken to him, guided him, given books, videos etc we talk and talk and then you get to bed and hes apparently forgotten everything, there isnt an iota of stamina, hes literally over so fast.  I have this analogy of sex with him…
    It is like he has told me we are going for a v8 super car ride and I get all excited and get behind the wheel only to have him grab the keys jump in and piss off without me.  I am still standing there trying to get my shoes on lol….this is sex with my man, boring as batshit, alas what the hell am I to do now.

    1. 45.1
      Karmic Equation

      Break up with him. Dealing with a broken engagement costs less than a broken marriage. Both of you deserve to be happy.

      Let the guy go and find someone you can HAPPILY spend time in and out of bed with.

  16. 46

    Another analogy I use which is quite a giggle to get my point across (although nothing changes)
    Imagine you are going on a holiday together, you plan it and get excited.  You pack your bag and head to the airport, book in, off you go to your destination on the plane.  You get there, its brilliant, the experience is well worth the excitement.
    Well, the way I see it, my man is sitting in the pool at the destination having his bourbon, where am I???  I am still packing my bloody bag lol

  17. 47

    It seems that maybe you are not over Mr Two Timer and ready to move on to truly having the right feelings for Mr Devoted.  If you have the chemistry with Mr Devoted like the last person stated…he is teachable and you would be working on that and not thinking about Mr Two Timer.
    I have a similar situation though I haven’t met anyone new that I am interested in being intimate with.  Mr Two Timer married about 7 months ago and though he never told me he was getting married…he did a sleep over at my home 3 weeks before his wedding.  Lucky wife huh?  The wife was married when she met Mr Two Timer and was swept up by his wild man skills and she screwed over her family so she will get what she deserves when one day she wakes up to the mess they both have made.  No woman with half a brain puts a man before her children no matter how great he is in bed!   
    If this Mr Devoted truly is a good guy…I hope you figure it out and don’t miss out on a good thing because… it would be a shame if you let Mr Two Timer take that from you too. :)  

  18. 48

    I totally agree with you Lisa! And don’t let people “slut-shame” you! A woman is just as sexually driven as a man and if this conversation were about how a woman wasn’t pleasing a man in bed, I feel as if the conversation would go differently.
    I committed too early to a relationship when I wasn’t quite ready because I know that something great could come out of us being together. The man is smart and we’re mentally on the same level. He’s also very attractive (for the most part), but I’m also young and didn’t plan on getting into a relationship until I’d settled into a job, so when he couldn’t meet my needs and then asked me to make things official, I panicked slightly. I’ve been lusting after one of my ex’s who was my perfect counterpart in bed and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m hoping that as the relationship grows things will get better in the bedroom, but as much as I feel guilty that the bedroom is a deal breaker for me, it is. I’m an artist and express myself physically and find it a very spiritual experience, so I’m personally panicking about whether Mr. Perfect can step up his game and be on par with the bad boy.

  19. 49

    The ex wasprobably more physically attractive than teh current boyfriend.
    Looks matter a lot. Women don’t like to admit it, but when it comes to mating women are at least just as superficial as men.

  20. 50

    Some people are just selfish in bed. If you repeatedly show a person what you like, gently guiding their hand, expressing you like something and they don’t do it, well, I believe they’re selfish. I’m contemplating ending my relationship with my boyfriend for that reason. He likes me to give him head, but when I want him to go down on me he says he had a bad experience with it. I have been patient over a year with him. I’ve brought it up again and he just says the same thing. He’s a nice guy, but selfish in bed. He would say please be patient. Yes, all the while he is getting pleased. I’m always on top. He cannot do missionary for long supposedly something in his neck. I’m just sick of it and need to move on.   If he fingers me which is rare his facial expression is like it’s a chore. He aays it’s because his arthritis is bothering him in his fingers. It’s always something. He’s nice, sweet, but I cannot endure a lifetime of bedroom selfishness. This is what makes him a horrible lover. Consistent effort to please me would have gone a long way with me.

    1. 50.1


      …your man may have been uninformed on bedroom techniques….youtube,  has explicit visuals on bedroom techniques for men…. 

  21. 51

    Bad boy better at sex thing is fairly common. I first dated my wife in college but she broke up with me and dated some “bad boys” for quite some time. We always remained friends ( I never got over her ) so I asked her out again and we got married. I am an average although I try to do everything I can do but still I know one or more of those guys would have been way better than I ever will be. There isnt much you can do about it except just wrap your head around the fact.

  22. 52

    “Bad boy better at sex?”….why ’cause they get more opportunities/experience?….other men can read up on it, through books/youtube/dating coaches…

    1. 52.1

      Yes. But reading books doesn’t take the place of having had sex with hundreds of women.

  23. 53

    Evan make some great points. Things don’t have to be so complicated.
    If a guy is not pleasing you follow Evan’s advice to open up the lines of communication between you two. Gently and respectfully work with him to make things better between the two of you. That way, you have a guy who not only loves and is devoted to you, but is great in bed. A win, win for both of you. How is a guy supposed to know how to please you if you don’t tell him? Telepathy? Should he be able to read your mind?
    Having said that, it is good that Lisa left the guy. If she really feels this way, then it is best for her to end things, instead of marrying the guy and being miserable.
    Sadly, I have seen time and time again, women marry guys they aren’t really, truly, attracted to sexually even though their man is deeply in love and deeply devoted, like Lisa’s ex-fiancee. They go ahead with the wedding and stop having sex with their husband shortly after they get married, since they didn’t like this to begin with. The man will try to figure out what is wrong and try to fix their relationship. They will really, really try. But ladies, when you deny your husband sex for a long time, you are going to turn into, best case scenario, a porn addict, or worst case a cheater. This is inevitable.

    1. 53.1

      Excuse me, HE will become a porn addict best case scenario or will end up cheating and leaving you worse case scenario.
      Moral of the story. If you want a guy who is great in bed and has had tons of experience, but cheats on you, marry that. If you want a less experienced guy who you can mold into someone who makes you happy in bed, marry that. It is totally up to you, but if you do marry a bad boy that cheats and has kids with other women, please don’t cry to me about it.

  24. 54

    I can relate and it’s frustrating. I had been married to a selfish lover who just didn’t seem interested in pleasing me as much as I did him. We seperated, during which time I met someone who blew my mind with his unselfishness. He had come straight out of my fantasies. Of course there was drama which  I suppose comes hand in hand with great sex, not always I’m sure. Some time passed and my husband finally heeded my words. Only by time he did, I no longer felt attracted to him. He worked hard to be the husband I needed him to be, and being that I love him more than anyone I know, we reconciled. He’s a great husband and father, and I’d give anything to feel that attraction again.  Obviously there’s a lot more to our 10 yrs together, but it’s too long a story lol

    1. 54.1

      Annie, I completely relate to your story. My DH was quite selfish in bed for a number of years while we were dating. (Most of 10 years) My orgasm came second 90% of the time. He was also emotionally distant… Much later he was diagnosed with high functioning autism. My point in mentioning this is that it’s technically not his fault. Still, that did not stop my need to feel emotionally close.

      He cheated on me a couple of times during our engagement, but basically welcomed me into the relationship with the other woman. I was confused, hurt and of course still in love with him so I simply followed his lead. I didn’t have the opportunity to refuse. It was more like… I want this woman and I want you there.

      He was the first man I slept with. I could not, and still can’t, imagine life without him.

      The sex at the beginning of our then-exclusive relationship was explosive… but as the emotional distance became painfully obvious, I felt a lot less satisfied with our life together, including sex.

      I should mention that my father rejected me early in life and boys teased or ignored me a lot, for anyone who’s about to say ‘why did you not just leave?’ I really imagined that he was the only decent man who would ever want me.

      I could have long conversations with him intellectually, which is not easy for a lot of American men, sadly. It was refreshing to find an intelligent man who loved me. He loved my performance in bed. He loves me totally heart, mind and soul. He’s just not very good at expressing it in ways that women need to feel.

      My DH will buy you a box of chocolates but can’t always give you a big hug. We are working on more physical affection expression in our relationship that’s not just sexual.

      After years of emotional neglect and abuse, some of which I lobbed back at my husband because I was deeply hurt by his issues… I found another man who was interested in me. He loved sex with me. He’s handsome, silly and damn good in bed. He’s emotional and responsive. He spent a long time in a relationship being a submissive to a selfish princess type. Having my body worshipped was very new and very liberating. All I wanted to do in return is please him intensely… And I did…

      My ex lovers mother rejected him and girls ignored him, too. We had exactly the same story and needed to feel that love spark, pleasure and emotional connection so badly.

      My DH was devastated when he found out. Even though we had an open relationship during our dating years, initiated by him… During which I slept with a couple women, but no men, and always in the context of a polyamorous union…

      Suddenly there was another penis involved. And I loved this new man. I wanted everything about him. I was so stupid in love that I could not think straight.

      Long story short: Both of us stayed with our spouses to improve our relationships. My husband nearly committed suicide over the possibility of me leaving. So there’s that.

      I want to enjoy sex again with my husband, but I cannot get my male ex lover out of my sex fantasies. There’s nothing that can replace that deep emotional connection that precedes and comes with great sex. If you aren’t willing to establish that with your wives and GFs, be prepared for that moment when she does find an unselfish man who can feel…

      My ex lover and I are now in the dilemma of kids on the way, choosing to stick with spouses and wanting each other so hard, even after 2 years.

      I’ll keep working on this issue. To his credit, DH has improved a lot over the past year. In fact, he’s really become a great husband. And my ex-lovers wife has improved, too. But there will always be that damnable desire… Really trying to cope.  It’s a weight you have to carry… Sometimes I wish I’d never known that happiness and just continued depressed and neglected. Just to be content with my broken heart which I’d accepted.

      1. 54.1.1

        Wow, so similar to my situation! As we started our relationship he wanted an open relationship, he had recently left someone…and so had I, so I agreed. But I knew I was gonna fall for him, lol. Odd thing was, he never acted on it tho. He began talking to an old friend who was moving to our state soon. When I found out what they were talking about, I got upset cuz he wasn’t being open about it, and after much discussing decided we should end things. It was back & forth with his behavior.. I began to notice a pattern and suggest we get counseling. He was no longer physically cheating, but would talk to girls sometimes. In an effort to stop hurting me like that, he focused his need for that attention to me. Which would’ve been great but it became unhealthy fast, behaved like an addict at times, and no matter how I tried he would not listen to my wants even when I asked for something. We hit a breaking point and seperated again, I had done some reading and everything I read points to sex addiction, more so gave  mechemical release from it. I noticed during times he was not talking with/seeing anyone else, we had dogs that he took immaculate care of, it made him feel good…thats also when our relationship was doing good. During the beginning of our separation he became very despondent and wouldn’t talk to me. I ended up meeting someone, our chemistry was amazing and he gave me all the attention I was starved for…consistently. Both of us equal pleasers, it was definitely intoxicating! It never would’ve lasted tho, narcissist if I ever met one, but I wanted him so bad, lol. My husb too struggled a lot with the idea of me being with someone else, brink of suicidal, it was kinda scary. But I loved him and ours kids and missed us all being together. I’ve discovered a lot about myself, and him and understand a lot more about the cycles or our relationship. But he’s still in denial and dismisses my feelings about the addiction..so not sure there’s more I can do. It’s been almost 2 yrs since I left my lover, and I feel the same sometimes! Sometimes I wish I had never had the experience, my husb and I never had crazy chemistry/sex like that..I don’t wanna miss it, but I do sometimes. I hope things cont to get better for y’all!

  25. 55

    I hate to disagree with EMK here because he usually gives spot-on advice… but, sorry, you can’t fake good sex. Lovers generally either fit or they don’t. It’s not about specific things they do (“tie me up, spank me harder”), it’s about the way they move together. Hell, there are a bunch of kinky things that I like, but they suck when an awkward lover does them to me, and conversely, the best lovers I’ve had never had to do any kinky things to me.

    If a couple has unsatisfactory sex, you better hope that they’re either asexual or have an open relationship… because eventually one of them’s gonna bone the maid or the poolboy.

    I spent three years trying to fix my lame sex with my then-boyfriend. He tried really hard but it was just lame. Now my current BF puts me through hell constantly, and I deal with it because he’s the best lay I’ve ever had, bar none. So trust me, I know the deal.

    1. 55.1

      gerina, you’re the first woman I’ve heard say…”my bf puts me through hell constantly, I deal with it because he’s the best lay I’ve ever had”…….hhhmmmhhh


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