Is Sex on the Third Date the New Normal?

Is Sex on the Third Date the New Normal?
Evan, to say I’m frustrated with dating right now is an understatement! During the past six months, almost EVERY man I’ve gone out with expects sex by the third date. Seriously! It doesn’t matter if it’s a man I’ve met on an online dating site or if it’s a blind date through a friend. And the ones that don’t expect sex just kind of fade away. I’ve asked these men WHY they expect sex by the third date. Their response is that they have heard that if they don’t get it by the third date, the woman isn’t into them. Of course, I’m not sleeping with them… and they fall off the face of the earth.

I’m so fed up with this! I’m 45 now and I never experienced this type of scenario until just this year. Is this all there is now? Now that I’m older, is this all I can expect from a man at this stage of my life? –Patti

Dear Patti,

You’re certainly not the first to feel this way, my friend.

I’m sorry you’re frustrated, but in my experience as a dating coach, frustration usually results when someone’s expectations are out of line with reality.

The way to mitigate the frustration is not to change reality but to change your expectations.

The first thing you can do is understand that men look for sex and find love. We are driven by attraction and have zero trouble separating the physical act of sex from the feelings of love.

In this case your expectations are that men should not be interested in having sex on the third date.

And reality is showing you that this is something that men are interested in.

What’s a slower-moving, more traditional woman to do?

Well, the first thing you can do is understand that men look for sex and find love. We are driven by attraction and have zero trouble separating the physical act of sex from the feelings of love. We’ll have sex with women we don’t like and women we’re barely attracted to. Especially if we’re lonely and sex-deprived (sex is always much more important when you’re not getting it!)!

I’m not saying you have to like this facet of men, but at least, at this point, you can stop getting surprised or upset at it. It’s like getting angry at rain or nightfall. Your opinions of it don’t matter much; it’s still going to keep on happening.

Next, you have to forgive these men for their ignorance. They know not what they do. Even if you believe their ridiculous statement, “If I don’t have sex by the third date, she’s not into me,” it doesn’t matter. What a man wants is not necessarily to have sex on the third date, but to have some physical contact that may, someday, lead to sex.

Men are like sharks that needs to keep on moving.

What a man wants is not necessarily to have sex on the third date, but to have some physical contact that may, someday, lead to sex.

If he’s been talking to you for a week, plans a date, picks you up, takes you out, grabs the check, drives you home, and is also attracted to you, you can be sure that if he’s at all confident, he’s going to make a first move.

How far he gets is up to you.

Then there’s going to be a second date. Same thing’s gonna happen. You can’t be surprised by this or blame him for this. All you can do is figure out how much you like him, how much you trust him, and how far you want to go. There’s no right or wrong. Your boundaries are your boundaries. You just can’t get too upset when he tries something.

Then there’s a third date. Same thing’s gonna happen. If you want to avoid sexual contact, you can make sure your third date takes place over a picnic in a park, at 5:30 after work, or at a crafts fair, but understand, he’s still driven by his attraction to you. He doesn’t know that he wants you to be his girlfriend yet.

So as I scripted, word by word, in Why He Disappeared, your job is to a) figure out if your man is interested in you or interested in sex, and b) figure out how to make it fun for him to slow down. Sex isn’t all or nothing and as long as you can take him around the bases slowly, you can buy yourself enough time to figure out if you want to be exclusive with each other. Play it right and he’ll stick around.

Make him feel like a sexually perverted sleazebag for making a move on you and you shouldn’t be too surprised if he doesn’t feel good about his prospects on the next date.

22
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Comments:

  1. 1
    E

    I have a lot of trouble with this instant-sex expectation, too (my gut reaction is usually more like:  NO, OF COURSE I AM NOT GOING TO GET NAKED WITH YOU, STRANGE PERSON I BARELY KNOW!!  WHY ARE YOU SO CRAZY??), but this was a helpful response.  Thanks.

  2. 2
    DinaStrange

    Personally, i need to get to know a person before i sleep with him. And that means going out, talking, spending time in his company. That’s how i build my attraction. So, after third date is possible if there is a sense of comfort and the guy is looking for relationship, not a night stand. But in all honesty, i think we women need to be saying “no” more often. If a guy just looks for sex, then things can be discussed honestly and agreed on, but if he actually is interested in you, not just sex, he can CERTAINLY wait. Sex is not gonna run away anywhere…

    1. 2.1
      Michael

      Disagree. You need to be saying “no” more often. I totally respect that.

      The problem is, and I see it here, people want to put their values onto others. Remember they are YOUR values. Stick to your principles, do what feels right but recruiting other women to do the same is on one hand arbitrary and judgmental and on the other hand just plain silly.

      Make your own choice, be proud of it, and leave “we” women out of it.

      Me.

  3. 3
    DinaStrange

    Evan, perhaps you can answer this question you posted yourself, “your job is to a) figure out if your man is interested in you or interested in sex, and b) figure out how to make it fun for him to slow down.”

    most of women have no idea how to figure that out unless  you make a guy wait…

  4. 4
    Mia

    Sex on the third date is way too soon. I usually have my first kiss on the third date! If you are meeting a relative stranger, the first couple dates are merely to get comfortable with one another. I do find it puzzling that so many women here post about this problem, because I’ve never experienced it. I usually wait until the 6th date for below the belt fun/ sex, and the attractive, confident 27-35 year olds I’ve dated have never given me a hard time for it. However, I realized for a host of valid personal reasons I am better off waiting longer, hence why I just had a sixth date with someone that did not result in any nudity, though certainly a lot of fumbling. But I’ve been really affectionate and warm with him so it’s not like I’m coming off as a cold fish or anything. I think that’s the fine line women struggle to walk – seeming attracted to the guy and touchy while also putting off sex til a point she feels comfortable with.

    1. 4.1
      tamara

      Everyone has different timelines, I’ve learnt that by reading this blog. U’re puzzled by women posting about this problem, because u wait until the 6th date. well i’ve never slept with anyone before 6mths of dating; my recent ex I dated for 8 mths and he proposed w/o us sleeping together. The variance among everyone’s timeline is huge. On the other hand, I’ve usually kissed on the 1st date if it went well; in fact I thought a guy I dated recently didn’t like me cos he didn’t kiss me on the first date, lol. Turned out I was wrong…
      So u can’t tell women that sex on the 3rd date is too soon, cos that’s what works for u; just as I can’t say that sex on the 6th date is too soon. Everyone has to gauge based on the guys they’re dating, how conservative the man/woman is, gut instinct, chemistry etc.  I probably attract more conservative men, so this works for me, and if I slept with guys on the third date it might backfire with those guys. On the other hand, other women who used my timeline might rarely get a 4th date, if she attracts more modernised men. Debating over the best timeline is pointless, apart from Evan’s advice of not before 3 dates, which I think is generally considered solid advice.

  5. 5
    Fusee

    Evan, this is the best comment and advice on the topic ever! SPOT ON on the reality check and on the recommendation!
     
    As a “slow mover” during the first stage of dating, I’m really passionate about this topic. Sex is the turning point of a new relationship and using this turning point properly leads to valuable information on the level of interest, respect of boundaries, and communication skills of the other party. Going too fast – even if you feel like it – makes you miss great opportunitites to assess what’s on offer and/or build a solid foundation in the relationship.
     
    After experimenting a lot until finding the ideal balance, I can confirm that Evan’s recommendation as spot on. Yes, you want the man to be attracted to you and try to get close to you. Hey, you want him to be attracted to you and confident enough, right? However it all depends on HOW he tries and how he reacts to your playful statement of your boundaries.
     
    It’s a very subtle dance that has to be played on those first few dates. Being too soft and you do not honor your boundaries and/or assess their interest and respect. Too rigid and you make them run for the hills. As Evan said, if you play it right with the right man, he’ll stick around. My boyfriend accepted to take it slow with me for the first time of his life (four dates for kissing, well over ten dates for 2nd base, exclusive from the begining), and as he started to experience the benefit of patience despite the pain of waiting, he litteraly thanked me (!) for allowing us to build a real connexion and get to know one another.
     
    But believe me, he had a great time waiting! And I was obviously well worth his patience : )

  6. 6
    Ruby

    At first, when i saw this, I assumed that the OP was young, so I was surprised that she’s actually 45. I’m a little older, but don’t recall having this problem too often, and I live in a major metro area, so it’s not a particularly conservative place.
     
    Actually, when I was in my 20s-30s, I’d usually have sex with someone I really liked by the 3rd date. However, I found that it often didn’t lead to a relationship, but did lead to my getting my feelings hurt or realizing that I actually didn’t like the man all that much, but that my judgement had been clouded by the physical attraction. I decided to wait until I knew someone much better. I’d tell a man that I found him attractive, but wanted to take things more slowly, and if he didn’t stick around, I figured that was his problem. I doubt that he would have stayed anyway.
     
    Plenty of men might have sex by the 3rd date and disappear anyway. When I was dating, I met many men who wanted sex, but didn’t want a relationship. The ability to stick around without sex (although with some fooling around) is actually a good way to tell if a man really likes you. Not only that, it’s a good way to tell if a man is really interested in a relationship. My current BF and I both decided to wait, and it ended up being almost 3 months. Now, almost 7 months in, the sex AND the relationship are both great, so I’m glad we took the time to get to know each other better first.

    1. 6.1
      Some girl

      I wished if I knew that. I blew off my chances with a guy I really liked after having sex with him on the 3rd date. :( 

  7. 7
    Kurt

    “And the ones that don’t expect sex just kind of fade away.”
    If both the men who expect sex right away and the ones who don’t stop asking Patti out, then I would bet that she isn’t showing these men that she isn’t interested in them.  She probably just sits there on a date and they have no idea whether she is really interested in them at all.

  8. 8
    Julia

    Yeah you can make out and fool around on a 3rd date without going all the way, in fact it’ll probably hook him in and make him come back for more.

  9. 9
    Michael17

    Evan, please consider this version instead:
     
    Well, this is my take as a male reader in his 30′s who likes to date women in their 30′s: If we as guy do not push for sex by say Date #3–#5, then depending on the woman, she may assume that we aren’t interested and she will end up friend-zoning us. So yes, we tend to push for sex early, often for the reason Evan gave, but also often because that is what many women expect from us. And so we feel that we must do that early on if we want her to keep seeing us.
     

    Women love sex as much as we do and it’s usually on us to make it happen. And furthermore, if a woman is seeing two guys, one of whom she is sleeping with (due to that guy making a move), she usually will choose the guy she is sleeping with, even if she liked the other guy better.
     
    So very often, the reason why we push for sex is that we feel we have to if we want to be in a relationship with you. Otherwise you will lose interest/friendzone us, or another guy will sleep with you first and you will end up with him.

    1. 9.1
      uigs

      @Michael17 – I am not sure who gave you this logic but I can tell you it’s a myth, most assuredly. I am a woman in my 30′s and my friends are in the same age group. I have never met a woman in her 30′s who thinks this way. A man who compliments a little, flirts, and is affectionate and shows interest without “pushing for sex” would absolutely NOT get friend-zoned by a woman who is interested and attracted to him. A mature smart woman in her 30′s does NOT think this way. Now if you do not show a desire for a woman and make no physical attempts even a kiss then a woman will either lose interest assuming that you are not attracted to her, or if she really likes you she will ask you, which is the more mature and relationship ready route to go. Men who push for sex more frequently than not, are only interested in sex, the more patient men wanting to take it slow and get to know a woman in my experience are the men who are interested in a relationship, all of my smart women friends know this.

    2. 9.2
      Kay

      @Michael17, I wholeheartedly agree with @uigs.  I know guys are afraid of the “friends” zone, which might be equivalent to women being in the “bootycall” zone.  But taking things slow does not put you in the friend zone.  Acting like too much of a girlfriend puts you in the friend zone.  Acting like a horny teenage bore, will get you dismissed.  If you plan dates, pay for them, take the lead, compliment her and are affectionate with her, a woman knows you are sexually into her.  We are not stupid.  But sometimes we do like to milk it.  Since so many guys are charging for sex from date 1, it is nice and refreshing to just enjoy a man who understands the courting process and genuinely enjoys the getting-to-know-you stage.  If you are thinking of us in terms of potential relationship, then taking 2-3mos to get to know us and build some trust will not be a bother to you.  If you have your own rigid timeline, say 3-5 dates, and if she doesn’t give up the goods, she’s not into me, then I make the same argument Evan makes to us women.  Stop with your timeline.  Get to know a girl.  And she doesn’t need to blow you on the 3rd date to know that she’s sexually into you.  Here’s how you might be able to tell if she’s sexually into you:
      - She puts on make up for you when you meet  (I never do this for my guy friends)
      - She wears provocative clothing and heels to meet you
      - She usually lets you pay for the date
      - She cooks you dinner
      - She asks you questions about what you plan for the future.  (b/c she wants to be a part of it)
      - She calls you sweetie, baby, honey, hot stuff, handsome, ect.
      - She compliments you a lot (the way you look, smell, touch her)
      - She laughs at all your jokes (even the stupid ones)
      - She responds quickly and in-kind when you go to hold her hand, or rub her shoulder.
      If a mature, relationship minded, (read:not-so-slutty (no judgment;-)), self possessed woman keeps things slow but is attracted to you, she will still want you regardless if she has other men charging at her for sex.  Women don’t fall for the guy because he’s pushing to knock boots (maybe insecure chicks do – been there!).  Older women can see past the initial overly passionate almost possessive aggressive guy.  If you are dating well under 30yr old women, then maybe your logic is valid.  But NOT one single woman in my circle of friends (35+) thinks like what you’ve described.  You quite possibly need to upgrade to dating grown women with their ish together.  Good luck.

  10. 10
    Jackie Holness

    You may need to join a religious-based dating website because those guys don’t expect to have sex at least as fast…or be introduced to someone who knows you to a mutual friend who has similar views…particularly at your age…

  11. 11
    David T

    When I was dating I would usually kiss on the first date. . . if it felt right. I have a sense now when a woman is going to be receptive to that kiss, and if I see my opportunity I would take it! :)  But, I also won’t have sex with anyone unless I am in love with them.  I am unusual for a man in that regard, so don’t hold your breath waiting to meet someone else with this same standard.
     
    What you can do is be open about your boundaries.  Have a conversation about when sex is and isn’t OK for you. You can’t bring this up on a first date, but it is entirely appropriate once the physical conversation starts moving that way. Evan is right.  Don’t be defensive and don’t denigrate.  Say you understand and even appreciate his attraction to you;  it is flattering after all(*) and you should take it as a compliment. Then explain your boundaries, that you don’t judge him by his boundaries since that is his business, etc. Maybe make out some if he still wants to knowing it will end at a point. 
     
    If he continues to want to see you, he is into you or it is an ego thing and he wants to win the challenge. If he walks, you have learned what is betwixt your thighs was for more important to him than what is between your ears. Good riddance in that case, and it is not so bad for you since you were not bonded through sex yet.
     
    (*) Maybe not if what Evan says is true that most men will have sex with women they are not attracted to. Really?  Yuck, but again,  I am not the typical guy.

  12. 12
    Karl S

    Speaking as a younger man –

    I usually drop hints just to test the waters by the third date if our rendezvous have been really good, but don’t expect anything. I might try again a couple of dates later to see if we’ve progressed. I’d start seeing red flags after the 10th date if she was still saying no and not willing to move anywhere along the bases either. I might not only wonder about whether she’s interested in me, but whether she’s actually interested in sex (I’ve dated some who never really got excited about it).
    I waited over 2 months for the last girl before she dumped me. Not sure I would wait that long again.

  13. 13
    Still-Looking

    The right man will wait for the right time with the right woman as long as she continues to show interest.  If the man assumes he is in the “friend zone”, however, he is likely to fade — and quickly.  So  much of the uncertainty and anxiety can be dismissed with good communication.  Without good communication the guy is going to assume a lack of interest or a prudish/frigid personality — both relationship killers for me.

  14. 14
    miskwa

    It is often hard to determine whether a man actually IS attracted to you or just wanting sex by a third date. he is still in “best behavior”. I was hit on for sex on a second date by someone much older than I (whom you would think would know better) and I am in my 50′s. End of non-relationship. Of the four committed relationships I have had, sex didn’t happen for one to three months. I got to know the men well, and they me. I don’t think theres a strict timeline; often with long distance relationships, there is a long time between dates where hopefully you’ve been doing some serious communication. Did you know the man as a friend before a relationship developed? On line meetups always put me on my guard as this person is a stranger and there is no real way to find out about him. he doesn’t live in your community and no friends can tell you about him so you are operating solely on gut instinct.

  15. 15
    Selena

    Evan has written before about telling a man you reserve intimacy for an exclusive relationship. Might this be a good way to deflect the guys who want sex on the third date?

    If you think about it, at the end of the 3rd. date you’ve probably only spent around 8 hours together – the equivalent of one day at a new job.  Why should anyone be expected to share their body with someone they’ve spent such a short time with? How many people are willing to be exclusive after such a limited amount of time together?

  16. 16
    Karl R

    Patti said: (original post)
    “I’ve asked these men WHY they expect sex by the third date. Their response is that they have heard that if they don’t get it by the third date, the woman isn’t into them.”

    I don’t believe that there should be sex on the third date. I don’t tend to date women who intend to have sex on the third date.

    But based upon my observations, there is some truth to what these men believe.

    Among people who believe in taking things slowly, there’s a strong tendency to bend or break their own rules for someone they’re really into. I’ve observed it in myself. I’ve observed it in the women I’ve dated. I’ve observed it with the friends (male and female) who confide in me.

    If you’re having an easy time going slowly and not breaking your own rules, you’re just not that attracted to him/her.

    If you’re attracted and interested, make it obvious.

  17. 17
    Kathleen

    Selena 

    Some men have a “third date rule” meaning if you don’t sleep with him by date 3 you are out I had one fool tell me at dinner on the first date that he had a 3 date rule I told him I had a rule against having a second date with a guy who has a third date rule 

    Confident successful guys who expect to win you over when its right don’t have this scarcity mentality.  
     

  18. 18
    Mia

    Michael, there is some truth to what you are saying. We would expect a man to make some kind of move to show his attraction. There is a respectful way for men to do that, such as asking at the end of the 4th/5th date if they can come inside, or inviting you inside after the date, and if the girl says no not making an issue of it. That’s usually what men do with me and I have no problem with it, even if I need a couple more dates to feel comfortable with that. I’ve decided after a couple incidents in a row of men disappearing after date 8, or revealing they don’t want a relationshpi by date 9, that I need to wait at least 10 dates to get better results than what I’ve been getting.

    But I always feel like this gets to be very tricky for the woman by dates 5-8 - on one hand, you want to convey interest in the man, on the other it seems like men LOVE women who make them wait for 3 to 6 months, and those are the women they marry. Then there’s the added concern for the woman that if we wait TOO long, we could discover the guy has a two-incher or can’t get it up. We don’t want to be a tease, or a prude, or a slut … Ultimately, I’m amazed that men (not you, just men in general) bitch about this kind of thing when it’s their own weird and conflicting standards about sex that create the problem.

  19. 19
    Julia

    It also works to tell a man that you physically desire him but need to take things a bit slower, so that way they know that sex will happen just not tonight.

  20. 20
    Fusee

    @Karl R:
    “If you’re having an easy time going slowly and not breaking your own rules, you’re just not that attracted to him/her.
    If you’re attracted and interested, make it obvious.”
     
    Like subtly moaning in my guy’s ear after a nice long and slow kissing interlude on date #5. He totally got it : )
     
    And no, it was not *easy* to postpone sex. Very hard indeed (pun intended). But so worth it.

  21. 21
    Selena

    @Kathleen #17

    Gotta smile about an idiot who would tell a woman on their 1st. date, his “3rd. date rule”. How many second, let alone third dates do you suppose this clueless boor actually achieves? :)

    I agree with you – confident men don’t have a “scarcity mentality.”

  22. 22
    helen32

    @Mia 18..”But I always feel like this gets to be very tricky for the woman by dates 5-8 - on one hand, you want to convey interest in the man, on the other it seems like men LOVE women who make them wait for 3 to 6 months, and those are the women they marry. Then there’s the added concern for the woman that if we wait TOO long, we could discover the guy has a two-incher or can’t get it up. We don’t want to be a tease, or a prude, or a slut … Ultimately, I’m amazed that men (not you, just men in general) bitch about this kind of thing when it’s their own weird and conflicting standards about sex that create the problem.”

    DITTO

    1. 22.1
      Divine-K

      Two incher.  Hysterical.  Been there. Lolololol!!!  I’ve been known to make out with the guy just so I can feel how big it is.  See what we’re working with.  True story.   Sorry, 2 incher will def put you in the friend zone.

  23. 23
    Hope

    I thought it was an interesting point Michael #9 brought up.  But I think that issue (“friend-zoning”) needn’t come up if you’re taking her to dinner, or to a movie followed by a drink somewhere romantic, or even a walk through the park holding her hand….all things that “friends” don’t do.  Anywhere but a bar!   Sometimes I think it’s scarier to be “formal” in dating, but it makes messages clearer, on the other hand.
    That said, even though it’s a highly personal decision in regards to when one feels ready for intimacy, I gotta say in my experience, I know by the third date and usually am ready for intimacy by then.  If I don’t feel ready by the third date, it’s because I have lingering doubts about the guy, which REALLY means I should probably stop accepting dates from him, thinking he’s going to magically turn into someone I’m sincerely into.  If the guy truly just wants sex, again in my own personal experience, he makes it known wellll before the third date.  Try the middle of the first date…or in our text/email-crazy age, before the first date!
    I think my current boyfriend and I waited til the fourth date.  The first three dates were “formal” dates in Manhattan, and the fourth was an invitation to dinner at a place in his neighborhood (outside the borough).  Easy to read the subtext, and I could have suggested somewhere else if I wasn’t dying to tear off his clothes by then, which I was : )

  24. 24
    Frank

    I dated a woman over a month period who told me  she wanted to take things slow, and gave obvious indications that hinted sexual attraction on her part. Only for me to discover that she’s started shagging a cute tall guy who just surfaced out of the blues in less than a week. With less wooing effort.

    I since made it a point of rule not to go any further with any woman who wanted to take things “slowly”.
    Sometimes, is a euphemism for SJNTIY and wants to string you till better options emanates.

    Women don’t move things slowly with guys they are attracted to. Ask any woman who’s honest and she’ll let you in on that little secret i just gave away.

    1. 24.1
      uigs

      @ Frank – Women are not immune to their desires and certainly women will give into chemistry and attraction but women who are looking for a long term relationship and love, and who want to get to know a man — they will often resist even if attracted to a man (particularly if in their personal experience getting intimate too soon didn’t end up going anywhere). This experience that you had happens, but I think it has more to do with where a woman is in her life, what she wants etc. rather than a norm. I absolutely believe that a woman could be very very attracted to a man and still want to take it slow. I have had men ask to come inside my place on some of the earlier dates and I said it was too soon and they assured me we didn’t have to go far and I let them know I didn’t trust myself to slow it down, that guy loved hearing that and knew I meant it.

    2. 24.2
      fantanyl

      i will have to agree with you!
      i am very conservative when it comes to dating, and i would never sleep with a guy unless i was in love with them.
      i have been dating this guy for three weeks, been on three dates, but every date ( since our first one) ends up being 8 to 12 hours long and i have the most amazing connection with him… by the third date, things went to the second base, and it felt completely natural, and even though i would never sleep with him by the third date, i really wanted to.. so i believe when u really like someone…. feeling the need to be intimate, and actually doing it are two different things…one u cant control , and one u can… but if u r attracted to someone.. the desire should be there…. 
      so yes if a woman likes u she will not desire to go slowly…she might chose to…but she certainly wont desire it

  25. 25
    Henriette

    Interesting, @Frank24.  I’m not going to suggest your feelings about your personal experiences aren’t valid, but I can assure you here, under the cloak of anonymity (so why would I lie?), that a) I’ve never slept with any guy in fewer than 2 months and b) the more attracted I am to a fellow, the slower I tend move with him because I am particularly wary of how my lust might be clouding my judgement.

  26. 26
    Ruby

    Frank #24

    Sometimes taking things slow is code for “just not that into you,” but sometimes it isn’t. Waiting to have sex doesn’t mean you’re not kissing or making out, or letting the guy know that waiting is hard for you because you are attracted and are enjoying being physically close. The physical relationship might be progressing slowly, but it should be escalating as well.

  27. 27
    Jonathan

    One of my former girl friends told me she had no problem having sex on the first date, if she wanted to.  She thought that if all he wanted was sex, then it was fine with her.  She would rather find out on the first date than the 5th or 10th.  She was a busy woman and didn’t want to waste her time with a man who only wanted sex, and nothing else.  Better to find out what he wanted early on than waste lots of time and money on the wrong guy.  Also, she had no time for men who didn’t know what they were doing in bed.  Better to find that out earlier than later.

    She and I had sex on our first date, and ended up being a couple for 5 years.

    By the way, she was a physician — summa cum laude, double boarded and a professor at a major teaching hospital.   I was 38 and she was 40, and she was one of my former professors. How naughty is that!

    She also said that a women makes a decision whether they will sleep with a man, or not, within 30 seconds of meeting him.  After that, it’s just a matter of when.

    1. 27.1
      uigs

      @Jonathan – Your former girlfriend made the decision of sleeping with a man within 30 seconds of meeting him, but she can’t speak for all women. This is not true for all women, and I havn’t even heard that before – EVER. She sounds like a wonderful woman, some women in terms of sex are more like men, nothing wrong with that but applying one woman’s thinking who thinks more like a man to all women is probably the wrong way to go. Often women who are very high up in their ranks/careers, extremely confident adopt male viewpoints on sex and relationships. Your former girlfriend seems to think more like a man that a woman, which I imagine is appealing but she doesn’t speak for all women. I have friends who admit they are more like men when it comes to sex, they also admit they think differently than most women. Some women are just biologically more prone to bonding by sex and equating it with love, other women can separate that just like a man.

  28. 28
    Fiona

    This is a very tricky issue to which there is no easy solution but it is useful to know how men think. I also think three dates seems rather early to sleep with someone no matter how attracted I am as I don’t want to end up with a one night stand. However, if after three dates you can’t imagine wanting to sleep with him at some future point, probably better to get out of it. I find these issues tend to resolve themselves anyway somewhere between dates 4 and 6 because by then I find they are either already planning future activities and introducing me to friends etc or tailing off so fairly easy to see what their intentions are.

  29. 29
    DinaStrange

    Jonathan, some of us women want to be chased. Is it such a foreign concept nowadays. Yes having sexy is EASY, especially for a somewhat attractive in shape girl, but making the guy wait and anticipate that first moment is what turns me on. Pity, men are so used to easy sex…leaves nothing for us traditional girls who want to take things slow and feel like there is some excitement going on….sans bedroom.

    1. 29.1
      ann

      well said Dina!!!!!!!   I am with you on this.

  30. 30
    Lance

    Let’s be clear about something. There’s nothing inherently wrong with having sex on the 3rd date, or 1st date, or 10th date for that matter. The when is personal and there’s a variety of factors that determine when is the right time. 

    I’m an active dater and the reality is that the sooner you have sex (3rd date is about right), the sooner you’ll know if you have good sexual chemistry, which is something everyone discounts. What happens if you have terrible sexual chemistry? It’s best to move on and there’s no reason to string out a false relationship over a dozen dates or more. I don’t think anyone here would advocate staying in a relationship with bad sex.

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