When Should a Woman Have Sex With a Man?

Woman on top of a man

The end of Wednesday’s blog post brought up a very important topic; perhaps the most common question I get asked by women whenever I give a speech:

Turn sex into a reward for good behavior and time put-in and you’re missing the entire point.

How do you know when it’s okay to sleep with a guy?

I discussed this back in March, but most of you weren’t reading then. So forgive me for recycling, but my views haven’t changed, and you definitely want to get in on this discussion…

No doubt about it: The first time a woman beds down with a guy she’s crazy about is an exciting and special time. Still, the question remains: When? Well, it depends. Some women are happy to get down to business the night they meet; others will wait weeks or months before doing the deed. Whatever a woman’s decision, we had to wonder: Does the double standard still exist today? In other words, if a woman knocks boots with a guy too soon, does she automatically nix her chances for long-term love–or is that old-fashioned nonsense in today’s modern-day dating scene? To find out, we grilled three women about the ups and downs of when they get down to business… and what they said may surprise you.

My two cents on the whole thing?

Men are sexual hypocrites. They push women for sex, then blame them for having sex. They’re particularly stuck on the idea that if a woman hops into bed with them quickly then she must have done this with lots of other men as well. This lowers her value in his eyes. After all, if everyone can have her, she can’t be all that special, can she?

On the other hand, I also know from personal experience that if a guy is crazy about a girl, and they move really fast, all the rules go out the window. In fact, this is the way MOST of my relationships have started. But then, I’ve always been determined not to be hypocritical when a woman has the same lack of morals I do. I love women with loose morals.

Men are sexual hypocrites. They push women for sex, then blame them for having sex.

The sex question is a popular one because it comes up in every dating situation. However, there’s no set timetable or finite number of dates that will let you know when it’s time to give it up. I know one woman who was told by an “expert” to wait 10 dates before sleeping with the man she was dating. The guy dumped her her after 7. … That’s what you get for playing by a made-up set of rules. Sex isn’t something you “allow” him to do. It’s something that you share and create together. Turn sex into a reward for good behavior and time put-in and you’re missing the entire point.

As a woman, your job is not to come up with an arbitrary number of dates, like the U.S. coming up with a pull out date for our soldiers in Iraq. Your sole responsibility before having sex is to figure out if he’s interested in YOU or in SEX.

I repeat: Your sole responsibility before having sex is to figure out if he’s interested in YOU or in SEX.

If you don’t know the answer, don’t have sex. If you think you know the answer, then have sex. And if you can’t handle the emotional consequences of making an occasional mistake, you probably shouldn’t sleep with anyone until you’re in a committed relationship.

This has been my personal policy for the past three years – no committed relationship, no sex – and it’s worked very well for me.

What are YOUR thoughts? Men, I want to hear from you, as well…

Join our conversation (320 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 1

    Oh how timely! Being newly back on the dating scene I’ve been wrestling with this as not only a personal moral issue but also wanting to know other perspecitves. “Your sole responsibility before having sex is to figure out if he’s interested in YOU or in SEX.” Excellent point and one to never forget. So far it’s been and easy distinction to make! Thanks for the great column.

    1. 1.1

      Ya totally, this coming from a guy also. Best statement in the whole write-up is just that…. Is he interested in you or just sex? Words to live by. I’m other words, when the passion is over…. Does he want to leave or leave and take you with him. I know for me, there’s nothing in this life I wanna do without my Lisa. We have amazing sex but after that, it doesn’t end. We do everything together. My best friend.

      1. 1.1.1

        Thanks Kevin I really enjoyed reading what you wrote I’m new to the dating site I’ve been divorced for five years I went on a few dates and I just can’t seem to find that right man I just give up I’ve never had sex with any of my dates but last night I finally found someone that’s very caring   we went out for wings and a drink then I got home around midnight after working a 12 hour shift he agreed to come and see me today I’m really feeling something different and I could see myself enjoying sex with him and having him at my side for the rest of my life and after reading what you just wrote that you can imagine doing things without Lisa I thank you I guess there is still some great men out there and good luck with Lisa

  2. 2

    Hi Evan,

    Thanks so much for this provocative, thoughtful post!

    As for me — a 35 year old single mom — I’ve never been very good at keeping boundaries when it comes to sex. I’ve had loads of fun, but I’ve also gotten hurt. Badly.

    Nowadays, especially as a single parent, I’m learning how to have boundaries. This is what helps: carrying around a quote from Liz Gilbert’s book, Eat, Pray, Love.

    “When I get lonely these days, I think: So be lonely, Liz,” Gilbert writes. “Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled life.”

    I’ve used men as scratching posts. I’ve let myself be used as a scratching post.


    1. 2.1

      I guess that’s just the way dating life goes and you have to have the confidence to endure it.

      1. 2.1.1

        correct Sandra

    2. 2.2


      I like your stylish approach to self comfort.   “So be lonely.” I once lost an intimate companion who just went “AWAL.” Our union was passionate and consistent for several months.   The emotional turmoil was so stunning   it lead me to researched the effects & recovery of lustful vs loving sex. The advice that resonated best?
      -Treat one’s self   like you have the flu. Plenty of Rest-Avoid Stress.
      -Grieve the loss of the future once in-visioned.
      -Explore new interest.
      -Qualifier-lust & novelty should be replaced with trust,commitment & dependability.

      Evan shout out to you! I din’t find out..”Me or Sex”..I will next time-I’m lonley


  3. 3

    I agree with your comments totally Evan. Women need to let go of this “time limit” that some often impose on themselves and just let live. I, personally, have waited months and I’ve also waited a couple of weeks to sleep with people I’ve dated. The guy that I waited months for, we ended up breaking up a few weeks later. The one that I only waited a couple of weeks for, we actually ended up being together for quite a while. It goes without saying though, that women have this tendency to put their “goods” on a pedastal without really thinking that maybe the guy they’re dating could be horrific in bed, but may never know because they’re waiting several weeks or months for the right moment when everything should go together. Sex is too important in a relationship to place conditions on.
    I have learned that there is no right moment or time. Sometimes, things just happen, and that is often how we learn. My philosophy is to stay aware of what a man’s intentions are, but at the same time, live and let live. No need to obsess about timelines in relationships, because that’s when people get dumped and feelings are hurt.

    1. 3.1

      It is really tough to say exactly. Once I waited for her over 2 months and it never happened. This was decades ago. I was 18 and she was 16. I was so excited when she said she would go out with me after I finally got the nerve to call her. Wow, I got an actual date with her. I thought a long term relationship with her would be great. Unfortunately it did turn out that way. She had me go over to friend’s house so I ended up chauffeuring two gabby teenage girls around most of the night. A few hours into the night she claimed she was a virgin. Oddly her friend said owe yea she is a virgin all right. What an odd thing for a friend to say. I cannot believe I actually fell for that one. She let me believe that lie for over a month. Over a month later one night I told her I did not think she was a virgin. When she asked how I knew she was not a virgin I told her because of how she acted. Rather than apologizing for the lie she said that she had to clean up her act. We saw more and more of each other over that summer. About half the time we always had to go pick her friends so it seemed that I became more of a part time chauffeur for her and her friends. Shortly into this dating thing that summer the insults directed at me began. About every two or three weeks she would tell me I was a fool and that she had better than me. Well, better than me could not have been the sex since I believed she was a virgin for over a month. About twice a week she would ask me if I cared if she went out with other guys. Before I could say anything she would tell me there is enough of her to go around and it would only be for a couple of hours. Twice I told her I did not want her to see other guys. Both times she said that I did not own her. Listening to her ask that same question about twice a week by July I just gave up and told her I could not stop her. I did try to hint at sex a few times. One time her mother took her little brother to the store with her. She said finally we are alone. I said mmmm in a slightly seductive tone. Her only word was no. Another time you would have to be blind not to see I was ready. I said nothing but she said NoWay HoSay. Another time I was sitting on her bed with her. Again it was visually obvious I was ready. She bumped me with her arm then chuckled and left the room. After those three times and the lie about being virgin I gave up and decided to wait for her. The sex never happened. The insults got worse and more frequent. July came around. In addition to what seemed to be tease games to me she started telling me she would no longer know me at a 9 day local annual event which included a carnival. Every time I asked her why she just laughed and refused explanation. So when the event rolled around I ran into her and just ignored her and walked away. Her friend found me later that night and convinced me to go talk with her like she wanted make things OK. When we got to where she was standing she said no twice. I said well you are the one who said you wouldn’t know me anymore. She walked away and so did I. I figured no twice was her breaking up with me so I got ripping drunk on beer. Beer servers were all over the carnival and they sold it to me never asking for ID. I ran into a dark haired girl and her two blond friends. The dark haired girl said they needed a fourth to ride the carnival exhibits. She grabbed my hand and dragged me along with them. Her two blond friends asked if I had any other friends that looked like me. Not to brag but I am a 9.5 on a 1 to 10 scale. I said no. Drunk off my head they dragged me to a party downtown. We all went into the bathroom, locked the door, and turned out the lights. A streetlight shined into the window making it pretty bright even with the lights out. We all sat on the floor smoking cigarettes and smelling each other’s hair. These girls played a game where they would guess what shampoo and conditioner you used by smelling your hair. The dark haired girl who kept clinging to me got every bodies correct. Anyway we all went into the living room where I passed out. In the morning I woke up and I heard these girls hooked up with other guys for sex. Somebody gave me a ride home. A few months later I tried to call my X back to talk. I called her several times over those months. Every time she went back into that going out with other guy garbage then she would insult me and hang up on me after a couple of minutes. I just finally gave up. I went to Florida to visit some friends for a few months. I was into body building. When I came back the following year I was 19, I had a dark golden bronze tan, sun bleached very long straight blond hair, a 26 inch waste, and muscles just starting to bulge all over my body. Definitely close to a 10 for me. I ran into my X again July 4th at the local fireworks display. Her and her friend had tickets to the show so she said she would see me later. I said probably not. I had no car, no money, and no job. I had nothing to offer her since she always told me she had better than me. I also did not want to go through the tease games again. A year or so later I heard she was letting all of my friends take turns with her several nights week. It was as though I got reminded every time it was somebody else’s turn to nail her. It really hurt every time I heard about it. You know the chest falling into your stomach thing. This went on for over a year. I just bit my tongue and never said anything about it. I guess this is so much for her virgin lie thing. Myself in addition to looks I was extremely smart earning nearly straight A’s in college. By my early 20”²s I had girls wanting me all of the time. Girls I never knew would snuggle right up against me. It was a nice change from the ways my X treated me. I really could not understand why my X did me that way. She was an average girl for looks and brains but heavy with street smarts. While I was in no way perfect at 18 I at least tried to do the right things. She was my first relationship that lasted about three months. The last time I ever saw her she was sitting on the grass in front of the local community college. I was 23 and taking a few engineering classes for something to do while tutoring students in math and chemistry for extra money. I was going to talk with her but she looked to want to be alone. I slipped away quietly. I do not think she saw me. Decades later I heard most of her relationships and marriages never lasted very long. I guess in the end she was right. I was a fool who got played and used by a 16 year old girl. Maybe I should have tried to nail on the first date virgin or not? It can be difficult for us guys to know when the right time is right especially with so many games.

      1. 3.1.1

        J.J., Get a therapist! TLDR!

        1. JJ

          I have no need for a therapist Clara. I shared this event which was many years ago maybe before you existed. This is just one typical and one sad teenage girl who liked to play childish tease games with the sex. I was the goat for her silly pleasure. My past experience does prove how childish girls can be at the younger ages with the ignorant tease games.
          Simply because of your remark it sounds like you are or were part of the pathetic teenage girls who played the tease games with sex. May I suggest you get a therapist asap before it is to late. As guys gain experience you do appear just as transparent as the above girl in my past.

        2. Elaine

          sorry but I agree with Clara . J.J. get a therapist

        3. Jay Johnson

          Sorry I have not read this article for several months since last Spring. Now now Elaine. You sound just like Clara with that snide remark…



          J.J., Get a therapist! TLDR!



          I would be willing to believe you are also one of those tease girls who played the cruel games with inexperienced guys when you were younger. Pity for the both of you. I do have excellent memories of my past. I recalled this one after reading the above post by the user named Sarah. It certainly seems you do not like guys who expose females games. May I suggest that YOU get therapy ASAP!

        4. lynne

          You need a therapist

      2. 3.1.2

        This is NOT typical at all and really isn’t even analogous to dating as at least the girl sounds mentally disturbed, and frankly, I wonder about you as you appear not to have moved on over the past few decades.   We’ve all been humiliated, some of us let it go on longer than we should have, but move on!

        1. Jay Johnson

          Actually I have moved on decades ago Hollister. A few weeks in Florida during the spring break period with the beautiful blonds all over the beaches took my mind completely off of her. I think the main reason I remember it so clearly she was the first girlfriend I had as a teenager lasting several months. Back then most of the teenagers I hung out with seemed to change who they were with a lot more frequently. It just crossed my mind when I read the post from the above person named Sarah so I decided to post one of my bad experiences. We all have memories good and bad that stick around for all time. Especially if you have a great memory such as I have. I made this post to show younger guys how some of the younger girls play the cheap tease games with the sex.

        2. JennLee

          Actually it is typical.   This is a case where a young girl sees a guy she is not interested in sexually, but likes as a friend, and sees him as easy to use and manipulate.   It’s not uncommon at all.   Of course that doesn’t mean that all of us did things like that.


          What all men need to learn to do is simply walk away the minute a woman acts in any manner that is overly selfish, rude, aggressive, etc…   After 2 chances, you walk away for good.   You can’t blame women for acting in a manner that you men allow them to get away with.   You can’t be used and abused if you don’t allow it to happen.   This is the same thing I tell other women.   You have to be willing to walk away.

      3. 3.1.3

        JJ, wow that’s disturbing stuff. U say most of her rships and marriages didnt last long..so there were multiple guys deciding she was wife material, I guess sometimes men–like women–desire “bad” pple for partners. So your story actually doesn’t just reflect badly on some women, but on some men too.

        It’s a bit of a relief to see I’m not the only one who remembers teeny details of my first love. Frankly for many of us, the obsessive passion of first love is never matched by later love affairs–maybe that’s a good thing. Anyway hopefully u’ve experienced healthier love with more stable, beautiful women since then.

        1. JennLee

          Twinkle, will a TV dinner ever match a good home cooked meal?   Not likely.   If your mom was a great cook, and you enjoyed that for 18 years, then moved on to TV dinners, eating would not be as memorable.   But, if you sacrificed a lot to save money for a trip to Europe with the intent of visiting the best restaurants there, I would imagine that eating would again be a memorable experience.


          I think the thing is, we go through a lot of TV dinners in our dating lives.   We don’t hold out for something memorable.   And by this I am not meaning refusing to date great guys in our own league.   I mean we jump very quickly into sex and making out, and never truly bond with the person spiritually and emotionally.   Not a strong bond built over time.


          Maybe the foundation of a house is a better example.   If you rush it, the house will be sitting on a weak foundation.   It takes time to build a proper foundation.

      4. 3.1.4

        Thanks for sharing JJ, I’m sorry for the rude comments but you’re experienced enough to put the kid in her place. 😏

        1. Jay Johnson

          No problem P.S.


          I figured some people may not like my post. As I said before it was posted for the younger dudes so they can see just how cold and cruel some females are with the tease games. Decades ago at 18 I just never saw this type of game from girls and so was not   experienced on how I should handle it. I just did not know at 18 years of age.   I remembered the incident very clearly. For some reason the above poster named Sarah brought back those memories to mind in her post.


          Colleges and high schools all over the USA let have a one week long spring break anywhere from the last week of February to the first week of April. And of course I spent the entire 6 weeks of spring break in Florida. I went there a couple of months after the last time I tried to talk with her over the phone. She also insulted me again and hung up after a couple of minutes that last time. The beautiful blond college girls all over the Florida beaches made me forget her in no time at all.


          I will admit that it was upsetting at the time when she allowed all my friends take turns with her over and over night after night for   a couple of years. Especially after all of the tease games she did to me. Of course that activity will leave a lasting bad reputation on any girl for all times. After I returned from Florida I did tell her no at the fireworks show when she wanted to see me later that night with me. That was when I decided no more childish games for me. At 18 many guys just do not know.

      5. 3.1.5
        robert m

        she probably would have done you that time you walked away… but you’re probably better off that you did! so, you were the smart one. maybe the other thing is that you were too into her and she wanted someone that was more casual- maybe she has intimacy problems…

        1. Jay Johnson

          She very well may have done me that night but I think just saying probably not was in my best interest. I am sure it made her mad especially with her friend seeing and hearing my words. I believe that is may be why she started letting all of my friends take turns with her over and over for such a long time. What a tramp she is.

          How long would you allow these kinds of childish games to go on for? I did for about three months which was three months to long. I just did not see and did not understand it. Basically I got used and played by a 16 year old girl with me at the age of 18.

          One item for sure for you younger guys. If you do not see it the way I did not see it then you may get burned. If this does happen to you then just pack it up and head to Florida from the last week of February through the first week of April. That is six weeks of spring break. I started in St. Petersburg and Clearwater then I made my way over to Daytona Beach. Stay away from the Florida west coast for spring break. Daytona and Miami during the spring break period are the best beaches. Hot beautiful blond college girls everywhere that want to party and have a good time. Your mind will be diverted from your X for those few weeks.

        2. CJ

          A child who had issues to be doing what she did. But is labelled trash and tramp by the man she turned down… Even though, if he could have had sex with many women – he would be a legend.   What a piece of drivel.   Think back to being 16 and how vulnerable and innocent your thoughts were.   What happened to that child to make her have those experiences?   Compassion and empathy are what’s needed here not derision.   Why is she a tramp when the men who slept with her and used her are ‘friends’ and not just complete using arseholes?   Listening to men and their double standards makes me cringe and actually keeps me away from them.   Because coming here – I know what is really in every mens head when he is talking to me.   Nothing but sex, more sex, how to use people for their vaginas, how to get someone else, how to get someone in bed, how to sleep with as many women as possible.   Yuck.   So low brow.   I don’t even talk to men anymore because of the things I read here.   This gives me insight into real men and frankly, real men are awful in the way they think about sex and women.   If they can’t get it, they are even worse. So you slept with many many girls from florida and you aren’t trash?   if she is trash and has a reputation,   then so are you.    You are just as trashy as she or you are both legends… Which is it?   Oh, and your friends?   Trash.   I hate double standards between men and women with a passion.

      6. 3.1.6

        Oh my God.   She was a 16 year old child.   Would you want your 16 year old daughter to be having sex with an 18 year old?   No offense, but I’m kind of glad she did not have sex with you at that age.   Surely, you have had better experiences with women beyond this one experience with a teenager.   I think we’re talking about dating in the adult world (at least I hope we are not talking about how long should we wait for a teenager to have sex with us).   How about never?

        1. Jay Johnson

          Here we go again. Actually in many states including this one 16 is the legal age of consensual sex. If any of the people involved are under 18 then there is a 5 year maximum age difference allowed. It differes from state to state.

          BTW, the following summer after I turned her down she allowed many of my friends to take sexual turns with her over and over and over night after night after night. This went on for a very very long time. Anyway I was informed about about every time I ran into one of my friends. I figured one friend bragging could have been a lie, two bragging there may be some truth, but with so many telling me about it for a very long time. Yep, the tramp probably did it.

          This would explain why I have heard that none of her marriages lasted very long and most of her boyfriends never hung around for very long. Yep at 18 I got used and played by a 16 year old tramp that I thought was a girlfriend.

          Anne, you sound like another typical troll who is displeased when somebody exposes lousy little tramp trash games. I bet you may have used another online alias in this section as well. Get some serious help, you sound in desperate need ASAP!

          I simply shared a past experience when the above poster named Sarah sparked my memory with her post. If you can not handle a tramp being exposed maybe you should grow up and get some professional help for yourself.

          Personally I have had several bad experiences in my past as we all have had. A few have been far worst than this one. This one happened to be my very first long time dating experience. Back then the majority of us teenagers never dated the same person more than a few days or a couple of weeks.

        2. TA

          Perfect Anna! And JJ stop replying essays to everyone’s comments! You can’t let Anything go, can you???

        3. Jay Johnson

          To username TA who replied below.

          So just how many screen names do have? Your rhetoric is bewildering to say the least. It seems obvious that you have a serious problem if you continue to hammer on my bad experience of many years back. I would bet you have dated and used inexperienced people and despise it when somebody like me exposes people like you.

          Get a life and some professional help ASAP! Your rhetoric is transparent. Could your last name be Glass?

      7. 3.1.7
        Heather Currfam

        Wow, sorry you went through all that. Not all women are like that. But then you were dealing with someone was young, someone who didn’t sound like she had much home training.

        Who knows I have learned in life that people are people and sometimes there just isn’t an explanation to the things they do.   But on the flip side that was a interesting story, a little editing and you could be a writer for young adults. Hope you have found better luck now that you are all grown up in the world. 😉

        1. Jay Johnson

          It was many years ago. I was only 18 and not much experience in recognizing the females who got off on playing the childish games with guys until it was to late. I got played and used big time. Kind of makes a person feel foolish in the group I hung out with during my teenage years.

          I do remember one of my teachers words in business psychology class…

          Why do people do what they do?

      8. 3.1.8

        Seriously, a therapist will help you a great deal.

        1. Jay Johnson

          Why is it that you hammer on a past bad experience I posted with this therapist   talk? It is getting very old. The post made by the user Sarah brought back a very old bad memory that I had not thought about for many years. So I decided to post about my bad experience.

          It seems you could use a therapist maybe one that deals with guilt would suit your needs.

        2. Converge

          Yo Jay, all these ho’s coming out to cover up their games is hilarious.

          Just like my sociapath ex, they spin their problems as your insecurity.

    2. 3.2

      Getting to know and dating a woman
      sometimes be difficult for male. This is true because some women know how to actually know their intentions and may only wants to date. Getting out of the house may just be the thrill they are looking for. So when a male brings up relationship or sex to soon he is most of the thought of as someone trying to get into her panties.

    3. 3.3

      Hey Sarah . You made great points. Every situation is different . You should know the guy’s intentions . Sometimes , things    just happen . Evan made a good point . If you cannot handle the consequences   on a emotional level , then do not do it .   My friend once told me you won’t know until you try it . If you decide to be intimate with a guy ( dating ), then you must accept the consequences . At least if it goes south , you decided not to have the sex again   unless there is monogamy invovled .

    4. 3.4

      I agree with your philosophy Sarah. Smart women are aware of men’s intentions. A woman goes out on a date with a man who asks her out. He greets her with a kiss or a soft hug, he smiles, he asks questions about her, he tells his stories, he buys her drinks, he tries to be honest when talking about relationships, he buys more drinks for both of them, he talks to make her laugh, he laughs with her, he touches her hair, he gazes into her eyes, he comes closer to her lips, he kisses her, he asks to take her home with him and have more good time, he convinces her, she absolutely knows that he is aiming for her body but she tries to have a glimpse of hoping that he could also be interested in  her. When’s all been said and done, she knows the ending of the story – move on.

  4. 4

    My answer: Do it when it feels right.
    It may be my responsibility before having sex to figure out if he’s interested in me or in sex but it’s also my responsibility to figure out how interested in him I am. Few guys will say “No, I’m not ready”, but the door does open both ways.

    Determining sexual compatibility can be an important part of forming a relationship. Sometimes I want to get to know him on a physical level as I’m getting to know him on a personal one. Whether that’s on the second date or the fifth, I’ll do it when it feels right and natural, not when I think I “should” or when he think so.

    1. 4.1

      best answer of all!!
      Why would we leave it to the guys only. We are responsible for our own actions and emotions.   no one gets used unless  we allow them to do so.

    2. 4.2

      I aged if it feels natural go for it !:)

    3. 4.3

      I also think your answers is the winning one here. Me being very sexual person, i can tell , sex is very important part of my life. It has happened before to be with an amazing guy on many levels, but the sexual compatibility wasn’t there at all. At first i thought it would come eventually, it would happen eventually, maybe we should train each other on things we like or dislike in bed etc.. it never happened.

      we broke off after 4 months of dating, but we had sex on our 3rd date … and i have zero regrets . i saw a great potential in this man for LTR and i felt it was a right timing to get intimate with him. we were not sexually compatible which made me feel miserable and my negativity reflected on our relationship


      So yes – do it when YOU feel it’s right for you, not when all the made-up rules say it is.

  5. 5

    You know, you can always do what the bible says to do and save sex for marriage. I know, foreign concept, but it has it’s advantages…just think how clearly you’d be able to see the guy and who he really is if there was no sex involved? And for the guys, same thing. Would our decisions be the same, especially in marriage partners? I doubt it. We’d all see a little clearer. I only wish I could follow His wishes, which, so far, have eluded me. I sometimes wonder why our sex drive is so strong?

    1. 5.1

      I did what the Bible says and then had terrible sex for 30 years. Been there, done that.

      1. 5.1.1

        Sounds like you had a loving husband but would rather have sex with lots  of men who don’t give a shit about you…


        Yeah, been there done that…

  6. 6

    Evan, swell post. To your statement: “Your sole responsibility before having sex is to figure out if he’s interested in YOU or in SEX,” I would add, “… and behave accordingly to protect your own heart, ’cause ain’t nobody else gonna protect it for you.”

    1. 6.1

      you are right. some men can show interest in you because of the way you act and present your self (especially girls who look hard to get) and they can pretend sex isn’t a priority now but after you give it all, they start overlooking all the interests their was in you.

  7. 7

    Cheers, Evan! Women’s sole responsibility is to figure out if the guy is really interested in us or just sex. And i love what BEENTHRUTHEWARS added, “to behave accordingly in order to protect your own heart coz ain’t nobody can protect it for you.” Especially that nowadays, the world’s getting doomer and almost all guys are just after sex without emotion. Sex is a good thing, that is supposed to be shared by two people licensed on it. What i mean, is married couples. I know, the westerns have liberal views on this one. I am not here to debate about it but just sharing of the true, profound profile of sex. I hold the Bible-based view anyway. That sex is created as a bonus for 2 married couples. Extracting from Evans’ pointview that we are to figure out responsibly a real man, then why not follow what is the truth. It’ll really protect your heart. If a guy leaves you because you don’t give into him then it’s not our loss. We may feel hurt but it’s just transient. That guy doesn’t deserve us and we don’t deserve him. We should not settle out less than what is planned for us. Some people just have a worldy definition of happiness. Many people get a mistake on this and so, in return they are hurt. Man has a strong sex drive, that is because of the things seen,heard, read. the battle is not really on the flesh but on the minds. 🙂 Peace!!

  8. 8

    I firmly believe that it doesn’t matter when you have sex with a guy. If he’s going to call you again, he will. If he’s not going to call you again, he won’t.

  9. 9

    I agree with this article and my personal motto too is no sex until I’m in a committed relationship. My problem is, the men I meet make it clear up front that they’re just in it for the sex. My common complaint is that I never really feel that the guys into me.

    1. 9.1

      Sex is almost like a need to men, just like food. It’s something we crave for. So in an effort to please that need we think about, ask for it and stay up at night when we can’t get it. This is normal behavior. What happens when we get sex from someone who may be a match we try to keep that connection, which eventually turns into love. There was a song on the radio the other day that said “Give him something he can feel”. This meaning just don’t lay there and let him work, put in time to keep that spark going if a relationship is what you really want.

  10. 10
    david wygant


    Great minds think alike. I wrote the same thing the other day. Now i know why you and I are friends and in the same business!!!

    Good stuff EMK!!!

    David Wygant

  11. 11

    Well, Paul hit the nail on the head. I have been following the bible’s recommendations on holding off on sex until marriage. Unfortunately I’ve been having a very hard time finding a man who’s willing to live that lifestyle while he’s with me. Most guys respect me for sticking to my guns, admire my reasoning, just can’t seem to forsake their own sexual drive. Alas!

    1. 11.1

      stick to your guns I do . I met a guy whose really taking it easy I don’t know if he’s the no sex before marriage type but we are getting to know each other and it’s been a month now so hopefully we will take time to get to know each other well first, there are good men out there not every guy is led by he’s private bits in terms of the order of priorities,

  12. 12

    Every man is different, every woman is different, every situation is different… there is no wrong answer, there is no right answer….

    When I am around women, they think that they know what they want. Yet, when they get it, it is not what they wanted at all. I see too many people, women and men, chasing after something that they think they want because it is on television or a person next to them has it.

    In the end, this is not sex in the city. These are real people, with real problems, with real lives. Nothing is ever perfect. Some relationships go down hill the moment sex is introduced, while others will never take off without it.

    You can never tell when it is right. It might be great to go for it within the first 5 minutes you meet someone, or it might be better to wait 5 years after you meet that special someone.

    I am a guy, I am a male. It is all in how you intriduce yourself to a guy.

    I have had girls introduce themselves to me by showing me their breasts while they are asking me questions. Well, I am not going to try to really get to know them and I am only going to really get one thing out of them before I move on. Granted, they have gotten my attention. Yet, they got pissed at me when I tried to get into their pants.

    On the other extreme, I have had ladies act real professional towards me. After a few months, they get pissed at me because I never made a move or asked them out.

    When should a woman have sex with a man? It all depends on how you are presenting yourself and what you want in the end. Do you want to grab a man’s attention? If you offer to have sex with him the first time you meet him, you are going to grab his attention.

  13. 13

    I personally think that you can not sleep with a guy and he will/wont call and you can sleep with him and he will/wont call… I dated a guy for two years who I never slept with, he still wanted to date me, I slept with my now fiance on our first date 4 years ago… I think the key is working out if they really like you, if they really do and they are a nice guy they will wait or be just so happy you want to sleep with them too!

    1. 13.1

      That’s really screwed up. why would you have sex with one guy on the first date, and then make another guy waiting to freaking years and never give it to them?

      1. 13.1.1
        Just Another Male

        It’s not screwed up at all, that’s the guy who is waiting 4 yrs, not the girl who is not giving to him. Why she would give to him anything if she doesn’t feel giving it away???

      2. 13.1.2

        Different folks for different strokes.   The first guy still kept dating her for two years.   Maybe he was asexual or had a low sex drive.   If not, he was always free to terminate the relationship.

        Not sure why you’re so angry about this.


  14. 14

    If you are attractive enough, he will date with you after sleeping with you. If not, he may diappear! Men always use nether part to consier all things including relationship!

  15. 15

    Wow, well in any case I meant a man we talked for many weeks befor we meant up.Yes an on line dateing thing. Went on a date then came back the next time and stayed over with him. I had only had one man my hole life and walked out on me and I wanted see what I had been missing. I’ve been seeing this man for 4 months now. Its been hard but also been really good for me. He is like a best friend. We do have our ups and down because yes I want more and he got a lot to deal with right now with other proubles as I do myself. We both have kids and other poeple that are casing trouble for us but they are out of our lives all togthere. I live in USA and he lives in Canada which make thing even harder but when we are togthere he tells me how he missys me so much and even calls .. some times was to much in one day. Is he in love or what… Been very careful because we both have our childer to think about too. I’m can say I do love him and his son. But I was in love with him befor I very meant him in person! Q: What should I do ? We talk mostly thourgh e-mails or chat on line. He works long hours and live at home with mom and dad so he can keep his 4 year old son from his ex.

    1. 15.1

      Anyone that would use parental alienation as a tactic for their ex has an abusive personality. Kids should NEVER be kept from their parents (even bad parents have rights). This should be a sign of the type of guy he truly is. I would steer clear.

  16. 16

    Would a non lesbian or bizsxual woman date a man?
    Then is sex from the very first date.
    The question is to have sex intercourse the very first date or later.
    I think better as soon as possible, because it can be bad sex, or not as good as you would like, and next dates, if there are, would show you the real man.

    Cheating your desire to force him to cheat his love is all cheating. If you are there and you want sex, and he does want sex, just do it, enjoy it, and if someone is old fashioned play role reverse. For example:

    I won’t think you are a bitch if we make love, I’m a good person and I do like sex with men I do like, but if you would consider you are not prepared yet becouse you have some moral troubles I will understand.

    Or something like that as funny as you can.

    The question is Do you like sex? or Are looking for a daddy love ? and sex is the price.

    If you do not like sex, and it is only a price for having a daddy. Do not have sex on first date, and never, incest, even in a imaginary mode is really a bad moral behaviour .

  17. 17

    Date #6 is good. Soon enough to know if you like the guy and he likes you. Wait months into the relationship, and you and he are already emotionally involved. If the sex is crap, dumping him will be so much more difficult at that point (which I think is why so many women end up in relationships that aren’t satisfying to them sexually — too afraid to hurt the guy’s feelings!)

  18. 18
    Dating Advice

    I am convinced that it does not matter when to have sex – first or tenth date. Here is how I look at it; if a guy likes you, it doesn’t matter if you have sex on the first date. He will call you again, especially if sex was good. If he does not like the woman all that much, he can still have a one night stand with her. It doesn’t matter if she does or does not have sex with him; he will not call her again anyway, and not because she put out of the first date, but because he does not like her.

    From my own experience, all of my long term relationships since my last divorce resulted from what I perceived as one night stands. On the other hand, a guy friend of mine once told me about a woman he had slept with on a second date. He said that after that he was not going to see her again. When I asked why, he said sex was not good, but I take it that he was not really interested in HER in the first place, and only wanted sex.

    The tricky part when deciding whether to have sex on the first date or not is that you really don’t know how a guy feels about you and whether he really likes you or just wants a quick lay. If he really likes you, he’ll continue seeing you even if you have sex too soon. If he does not like you, withdrawing sex will NOT keep him around.

    1. 18.1

      “last divorce”? Should you really give dating advice?

      1. 18.1.1
        Karmic Equation

        Of course she can give dating advice. She did get at least two guys to the altar.

        She just shouldn’t give MARRIAGE advice.

        1. Converge

          Ultimate failure and advising women to sleep around with STRANGERS on a first date.

          She got 2 men to make the ultimate commitment to her and they both failed.   She should be BANNED from all advice together!

          By your reasoning, someone with 20 failed marriages would be the best person to give advice… NOT!!!

    2. 18.2

      I have heard guys don’t judge you . If they are into you , then they will call you .

  19. 19

    Dating Advice, You wrote:

    “The tricky part when deciding whether to have sex on the first date or not is that you really don’t know how a guy feels about you and whether he really likes you or just wants a quick lay. If he really likes you, he’ll continue seeing you even if you have sex too soon. If he does not like you, withdrawing sex will NOT keep him around.”

    True. But some women prefer NOT to have sex with a guy who won’t stick around. And since you don’t know how he really feels on the first date, why do it? If he drops you after the first date because you withheld sex, GOOD, better to find out what he was about right off.

    By contrast, after you get to know him somewhat better (whatever # of dates that might be), you may have a much better sense of how he really does feel about you and how likely he is to stick around.

  20. 20

    “But some women prefer NOT to have sex with a guy who won’t stick around.”

    Stick around? What guarantees will he give you? Will she give you? Collateral? Pormissory note, what?

    Reality is there are no guarantees. Cold, yet true.

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