Why Does My Boyfriend Only Want Sex a Few Times A Week?

Dear Evan,

I have a problem with my boyfriend and our sex life.

I want sex more often than he does. I have never had this problem before in other relationships and it’s starting to make me feel rejected.

We have sex two or three times a week, but the other day I wanted it again in the morning (we had it the night previously) and I came onto him and he pushed me away saying he had just been in the shower.

I’ve always been told I’m attractive and have never had any problems with men before so I don’t know why now. We’ve only been going out for about 7 months and in the beginning (before we slept together) he was really eager, but a couple of months down the line it’s all slowed down. He’s even told me I’m the best sex he’s ever had so what’s going wrong? I don’t know how to handle it.

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

I get this question as much as any other question. Except for maybe the “He’s just not that into me” question, which takes on many forms.

But I haven’t tried to tackle it until now, because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say. I’m no Dan Savage/Sari Locker/Dr. Ruth sexologist. I’m just a dating coach who’s dated a lot and spends 90% of his waking hours talking about dating, sex and relationships. So take what I say with a grain of salt.

You didn’t say how old you are, Sarah, and that’s relevant to the conversation. Because a man’s sex drive – and testosterone level – is highest when he’s 18, and a woman peaks in her late 30’s. (If I’m off, forgive me.) What this means is that as our hormones slow down, we meet up with women who’ve never wanted it more. You can see how this can cause a problem.

You’re equating his sex drive with his attraction to you, and they’re not entirely correlated.

Instead of taking his lack of desire personally, I’d take it to heart when he says you’re the best he’s ever had. But that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s going to want to have sex as much as you. You’re equating his sex drive with his attraction to you, and they’re not entirely correlated.

Plus, one’s sex drive is highly individualized. For many, sex is best when it’s exciting and new. Once you’ve been together for seven months, the attraction may still be there, but the excitement may not be. This is why some men turn to porn, and others, to infidelity. Lust may be enough to start a relationship but, in and of itself, it’s not enough to sustain a relationship. Are there some couples who have extraordinary sex lives? Sure. But there are many more who, after a long day at work, just want to go to sleep.

And that’s another thing to consider – sex, done properly, is a lot of work. It’s fun work, no doubt, but in order to do the proper foreplay and pleasing and switching positions and stamina thing, you need a lot of time and energy. And frankly, we don’t always want to be all adrenalized and sweaty at 1am, especially if we have to wake up at 6:45am….

You might think these are all lame excuses – that true passion transcends time and energy – that real attraction never wanes and that the mere thought of your lover should get you excited. But that’s not true. Not for everybody. In fact, there’s a very crude adage that I heard once upon a time which made a strong impression on me:

“Show me a beautiful woman, and I’ll show you a guy who’s sick of fucking her.”

Ouch.

It takes a lot of work to keep repeated sex with the same partner interesting; a lot of people aren’t up for that kind of work.

I don’t endorse the language, nor do I endorse the sentiment, but the underlying point rings true (for BOTH sexes). It takes a lot of work to keep repeated sex with the same partner interesting; a lot of people aren’t up for that kind of work. This doesn’t mean you should despair – nor does it mean that your boyfriend’s not interested in sex. From this guy’s standpoint – 2 to 3 times a week is a decent sex life. And if that’s not satisfactory, you might need to consider alternative plans.

I wish you the best of luck.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Eda

    Vino,

    Per your request, I will no longer direct any more personal questions to you. However, I must state that the question from my previous post was very genuine. One of the reasons I visit this site is because I do like to hear the male perspective — although sometimes because it is so foreign to my own that it is hard for me to understand, and many times, it makes me very said that men and women have such animosity toward each other.

    All of the information and facts shared by contributors to this blog are in fact shaped by our personal experiences even if we are discussing situations and issues that have not happened to us personally. By asking you a direct question about your personal reasons for coming to this site, it was not my intent to offend you. I thought perhaps by knowing a little more about your motivations, I could better understand and perhaps even appreciate your observations. I was really, truly trying to understand where you are coming from. Nothing more. Nothing less. Sometimes people really do mean what they say and say what they mean.

  2. 62
    vino

    Eda, just to be clear. I loathe those types of questions in this forum. In answering them, I simply give people personal information to make personal attacks upon me here and in other threads. Evan’s had to chide many ladies from baseless personal attacks in 3 separate threads within the last month.

    Why on earth would I do that? Stick to the subject matter at hand. Simpler for all involved.

  3. 63
    Eda

    1) How does marriage and relationships benefit MEN these days?
    2) What is the difference between dating and escorting and marriage and prostitution?
    3) How many women actually know what chivalry REALLY means and why do they confuse this with manners, especially if they are on the receiving and and men on the giving end?

    DeathSlayer,

    Here are my answers to your questions:

    1. I don’t think marriage benefits either gender. I have no desire to get married for many of the same reasons that you outlined.

    2. If you believe that in those four situations women only bring sex and men only bring money to the table, then there is very little difference — except that prostitution is illegal in most states. The interesting thing I have asked male friends on those occasions when all the want is sex from a woman, why don’t they just go to prostitutes/escorts. Aside from it being illegal, they all say they don’t want to pay for it, but it appears that a good number of men think they are paying for it anyway. So, if that’s the case, why not pay for it from a woman who is not going to tell you no and is not going to get attached to you?

    Now, if you believe that both parties bring more — a lot more, then they are quite different. Both men and women have mentioned that they want someone to nurture them and care for them to be a good friend and a lover and to be the number one priority in their SO’s life. I don’t think escorts or prostitutes do those things or exhibit those sentiments on a routine basis for their most of their customers….notice for fear of being called out, I am not ruling out the possibility that some of them might fulfill those needs for some of their clients.

    3. For fear that I might not really know what it is, I looked it up in the dictionary and for modern days — not days of the knights — it is defined as courteous behavior, especially that of a man toward women.
    I know what that means and what it looks like. I personally try to treat the men I date with the respect, kindness, friendliness with which I want to be treated. Perhaps you have a different definition.

  4. 64
    sarah g

    deathslayer — you ride a bus and yet you are not 17. that explains a lot.

  5. 65
    Selena

    1) How does marriage and relationships benefit MEN these days?
    2) What is the difference between dating and escorting and marriage and prostitution?
    3) How many women actually know what chivalry REALLY means and why do they confuse this with manners, especially if they are on the receiving and and men on the giving end?

    1. Benefits of marriage to men (and women): hmm, survivorship benefit rights in terms of social security, military benefits, pensions? Health insurance discounts? The right to make health care decisions for an incapacitated partner? You know, those other things gays are fighting for the right to marry?

    I’d venture many people marry as a symbolic declaration of how they feel themselves to be partners in life rather than sit around thinking “How will marriage BENEFIT me?”

    2. Escorting and prostitution are premised on non-emotional attatchment. Dating and marriage are predicated on the idea (hopefully anyway) of emotional attatchment.

    3. Chilvary. Isn’t that where the man throws his overcoat over a puddle, so a woman can walk over it without getting the hem of her dress wet? Where he picks up the hankerchief she dropped? Where he beats up the drunk who accosted her in the public house?

    To me chilvary would be kindness with flair! See also Gallant.

  6. 66
    vino

    Some choice quotes from various threads…

    “but I guess I’m a woman who will NEVER understand a man’s SEXFIRSTSEXFIRSTSEXFIRST prioritization of sex over just about anything, including death.

    (And I know it’s a guy thing because my gay male friends say the exact same thing.)”

    “I know because you all tell us ad infinitum, ad nauseum that men struggle with the endless urge of the biological sex drive.”

    “XXX said: Men frequently want to Take It Slow and See What Happens as well. They just tend to want to do it AFTER the couple has had sex.

    LOL! That’s so true!”

    “I dont like the sound of these posts at all. Just horny men trying to justify pressuring a woman to have sex.”

    “Hello?!? NEWSFLASH – Women are designed to take it slow. We’re told that guys only want sex, and if you give in too soon he won’t respect you.”

    “as one dating expert was quoted as saying [sic], nobody ever said, gosh, I wish I’d slept with him sooner.”

    “Especially that nowadays, the world’s getting doomer and almost all guys are just after sex without emotion. ”

    “My problem is, the men I meet make it clear up front that they’re just in it for the sex.”

    Food for thought…

  7. 67
    vino

    Selena’s answers:

    “1. Benefits of marriage to men (and women): hmm, survivorship benefit . . . the right to marry?”

    Selena, I have to say I disagree. Those are sorry reasons indeed, to give someone 1/2 of your income and belongings. As an FYI – even gay couples can do Powers of Attorney for Healthcare & Asset Management, Living Wills,Wills, trusts, and the like without marriage. Those are silly reasons. Many states and companies have some type of domestic partner laws re: health insurance access. Marriage has nothing to do with beneficiaries of pensions and retirement plans. You needn’t be married for those benefits.

    But the point is that the all of the reasons are to give the lower earner something by way of monetary benefit. Why not be a responsible adult and not expect someone else to pay for it?

    Sorry, but those are crappy reasons to give someone 1/2 your property and earnings.

    “2. Escorting and prostitution are premised on non-emotional attatchment. Dating and marriage are predicated on the idea (hopefully anyway) of emotional attatchment.”

    No, they’re premised on the idea of having some sexual needs met. Then leaving. See Eda’s response.

    “3. Chilvary. . . . be kindness with flair! See also Gallant.”

    This is one of those loaded words or phrases many (not all) women use in dating. See also emotionally available, purpose of sex, what love is….all of them with a different definition for every woman. That’s the problem. See purpose of sex in another thread.

    Most men’s experience is that chivalry means “give me” to a woman. Give me deference by opening a door. Give me deference by picking me up. Give me deference by paying for everything, even if I earn the same or more than you. Especially so. Treat the woman better than you are yourself being treated. Problem is that women give precious little in return more often than not.

  8. 68
    Selena

    Oh Vino,
    So you really have absolutely no appreciation of lighthearted flippancy do you? Ah well. So much for this blog being fun to read–it’s getting pretty dismal around here.

  9. 69
    vino

    Point taken. See #68 above.

    Multitasking has drawbacks…

  10. 70
    Deathslayer

    deathslayer you ride a bus and yet you are not 17. that explains a lot.
    *
    Sure it’s called parking my car at the train station, taking the bus into the city to save on the hassle of parking spaces and gas money, plus the company doesn’t mind that I do (travel voucher and rewards from the city) and it gives me a great opportunity to get some reading done.

    So, I get to use my time wisely, save money, less stress and actually better for the environment. Sorry, Sarah, that shaming tactic didn’t work either.

    Eda.
    1) I agree with your first answer…these days marriage really has zero benefit except for the governments and legal professions.

    2) More men FEEL they are already paying for HER affection, time and interest by doing all those things for her, and why don’t they go out for prostitutes?

    Simple. The women are seen as victims even though they also commit a crime, they will just go back out and do it again, and SOCIETY looks at such men as cowards and weaklings yet gives the women a pat on the hand for the most part.

    BTW, for the record, more and more women are turning to prostitution and stripping to pay for college. So men, remember that cute 21 year old you called up? Just take pride you’e paying her college tab. ;)

    3) I must say that’s great to hear. Mind telling what you do to show a man your chivalry towards him?

    Deathslayer

  11. 71
    Deathslayer

    Chivalry originated among the noble classes, and as such was
    inapplicable to commoners, in the first place. A peasant, serf, yeoman farmer, and such could be chivalrous no more than a fish could be ridden into battle. It is like the term “vassal.”

    If I claimed someone as my vassal, the modern reader would assume I meant an inferior, my lackey; in actuality I could not have a vassal/leige agreement with anyone who was NOT
    my equal. Chivalry similarly was practiced strictly among the noble classes. The concept of “chivalry” from a noble to a commoner would be met with blank and uncomprehending stares by someone of the age.

    Exhibiting courtesy towards an inferior? Whatever for? While true, peasants were the work force and by and large you didn’t gratuitously mistreat them any more than you would mistreat your draft horse, honorable behavior was not exhibited towards them because they were not honorable people.

    Chivalry is one of those protocols. Originally it was strictly rules
    of war and engagement. It evolved to incoporate a code duello, and finally as a code of interaction that enabled it, among other things, to be clear whether one was insulted or not. Originally, I treated your wives and daughters in a chivalrous manner so as not to give offense to YOU. There were rules on the kissing of hands, for instance – to an intimate, it might be a lingering kiss, to the queen I would place my forehead on her hand.
    Either way, so long as I abided by the code of Chivalry, I was considered courteous, and you had no grounds to take offense.

    Our forebears well understood that men and women not only spoke
    differently, but thought differently, so chivalry came to include rules for interaction between the sexes. It was dishonorable to fight a woman – they had no hope of winning. Thus, madam, you are obliged to not take advantage of this and behave in a manner that challenges me. Since I speak gently to you, you do so with me. I marry you and provide you with security. I don’t diddle other women, because such might result in you having to share the
    maintainance which is yours – you bear my children and mine alone so I’m not footing the bill for another man’s issue. The little dance of “courtly love” were means of men and women communicating intents and interest to each other both discretely and in no uncertain terms. The list goes on.

  12. 72
    Deathslayer

    Nowadays chivalry has become one sided. Not only do women feel free to challenge me, I’m expected to give them a five step head start and carry a seventy-five pound pack to “make it fair.”

    I speak gently to them, and they get to berate me like a fishwife.
    I hold the door, and it’s their due.
    I merit no thanks – why? Because I’m a peasant, as a male.

    I’m obligated to them, but they are under no obligation in return.

    So, speaking in modern terms, we can only arrive at one conclusion – chivalry has been perverted into becoming strictly a regulation of male behavior, of obligating men to behave towards women in a certain fashion, with no commeasurate obligation
    of a woman to courtesy beyond what she deigns to give.

    So, what does this have to do with the OP ‘Sarah’?

    Is her man not practicing chivalry? Is he not respecting her? Does he not desire her for than her love muffin and his access to it? Does he want to rut with her like she is just a piece of property?
    If not, then what really is her complaint?

    He is respecting her and she doesn’t seem to appreciate it. Does that sound familiar?

    Think about it…if the guy REALLY wanted to, he could’ve verbally attacked her, assaulted her-and yes, just by pushing her away he set himself up for a visit from the men in blue for ‘domestic violence’– or went and got her a vibrator or a cat to satisfy her libido.

    Yes, I said a cat to satisfy her libido. I’ll post that link if anyone wants it…

    Instead, he, like majority of men, respected her and made HER feel better and she is feeling that something is wrong with HIM for not wanting her like ALL THE OTHER MEN. So, ask yourself…is she being a gentlewoman or a noble who feels nothing for the man, which chivalry seems to encourage in BOTH parties?

    Deathslayer

  13. 73
    cinnamon

    Re # 66
    I read these quotes are expression of many women holding the very negative stereotype of men as kind of sex-fixated animals. If you approach someone with a negative stereotype in your head created beforehand, your perception of their behavior is filtered through this stereotype and they have no chance in consequence, or they constantly have to prove they are innocent.

    The good old principle says you are innocent before it has been proven that you are guilty.

  14. 74
    vino

    While I don’t disagree with cinn’s post, I’d add that if I placed my hand on a stove 10 times & 7 of those times it was hot & I burned my hand, it’d be pretty rational to conclude the stove is hot more often than not (and dangerous). Same principle applies.

    “The good old principle says you are innocent before it has been proven that you are guilty.”
    - Only applies in a court of law, actually.

  15. 75
    BeenThruTheWars

    I am deeply saddened, reading all this intense cynicism about marriage… particularly on a dating site.

    I’ve been in a mediocre 10-year marriage before… I’ve been single and LOVED it at times… I’ve been single and HATED it at times… now I am in a second marriage at midlife with a great guy who is as perfect for me as I am for him (though neither of us is perfect, far from it). I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life because I have finally found a man with whom I can be my whole self, all the time, without editing, and it’s not only okay, he loves me for it! And it’s a two-way street in that regard.

    Interestingly, he and I, after two plus years of marriage, both find ourselves reverting back to our old loves from childhood. I used to love bowling when I was a kid and hadn’t made time for a league in over twenty years. He loves bowling with me, we are both taking lessons, we are in multiple leagues and practice together, it’s become a true shared interest for us both, and best of all I’m once again doing something I love that I thought I had left behind forever, because I hadn’t had anyone in my life who said, “Groovy, let’s go bowling!” Similarly, he pushed hobbies like woodworking and photography aside for years because he was “supposed to” focus on other things, like his career and being a carefree bachelor; but I actively encourage him to pursue whatever interests him, and he’s having a blast finding new pastimes that give him joy. More power to him! More power to US, because we are both married and committed to another person who supports our desire to become even MORE of who we are over time.

    I am 100% whole on my own; he is 100% whole on his own. Together, we are a 1,000% dynamo. There is nothing we feel we can’t get through or conquer as a team (and yes, there have been challenges, it hasn’t all been cake and ice cream). If you haven’t experienced this kind of love and unity, it’s hard to describe, but not the least bit hard to recommend holding out for, for those who want it. This is the relationship and the life I always dreamed about and envisioned. They do exist! Honest.

    That is what a happy marriage to the right person is all about. And for the record, I completely understand and can relate to the whole “bitterness” trip, and equating marriage with disastrous financial and personal consequences. After my divorce, I fell into a shitty relationship for seven plus years with a verbally abusive sex addict (and closet case to boot) alcoholic. It turned me into a raging codependent (fortunately, just with that person) which took me years to heal from. Fortunately I did, and the “universe” rewarded me with my wonderful, sweet husband (though not without a few tough final exams first). I easily could have just wallowed in my bitterness and anger and pain after I finally found the inner strength to give Mr. Abuser Guy the boot for good. I could have said, “All men suck, they all cheat on you and use you and make you feel about an inch tall then wipe their feet on you, and this is supposed to be what dating leads to? No thanks! Screw that, I’ll get a cat.” But I chose, instead, to pick myself up, dust myself off, actively do the hard work of getting my head back on straight… found myself drawn to talented, positive, encouraging people like Evan, who helped me write an online dating profile that revealed the real “me” — and within weeks of it going online, I met my now-husband. (Thanks again, Evan! I am grateful for your help every day.)

    I’m not bashing anyone for their commentary. There is room for everyone’s views (although I tend to enjoy the threads where people stay on topic a lot more than the threads where people wander off into completely unrelated tangents and start attacking each other… ) It’s great to have a forum with both men and women taking an active role.

    I just wanted my voice to be heard in this, too, for those people who are reading this far into a dating blog in hopes of one day securing for themselves what I have found, despite all the many mistakes they have made through the years. Marriage to the right person, for the right reasons, when both people enthusiastically want that level of commitment, is absolutely fantastic!!!!!! I wouldn’t trade my lifestyle right now for anything. My life is infinitely richer with my husband in it than it ever was before. And he tells me with love in his eyes that he feels the same way and is equally content and happy and fulfilled. I feel completely known by him, and he feels completely known by me, we both feel loved and accepted and understood despite having our flaws and foibles right out there on the table in full view. This marriage is as close as I’ve ever come to having a spiritual component in my life, because I relearn what gratitude is on a daily basis.

    There. I said it. Marriage rocks!! :-) May the backlash begin.

  16. 76
    vino

    I’m playing devil’s advocate in #74.

    Actually I think this one is telling:
    Hello?!? NEWSFLASH – Women are designed to take it slow. We’re told that guys only want sex, and if you give in too soon he won’t respect you.

    I think women are told from the time they are little girls that ‘guys only want sex’ and become conditioned to believe this.

    Any comments on that little brainwashing technique?

  17. 77
    cinnamon

    to vino,
    I agree, but this strategy resembles gambling to me. When I burn my hand a few times, I try to figure out how to find out if the stove is turned on

    Cheer, up. :-) This thread has gotten so negative

  18. 78
    Selena

    Vino,
    I don’t know that little girls are brainwashed to think guys only want sex. Rather that is a conclusion *some* young women may come to by thinking having sex establishes a relationship. When they find out the young man they slept with did not make the same assumption they are disappointed. To use your hand on the hot stove analogy, if this happens to a young woman enough times, she might well think “Guys only want sex”.

    Guys like sex. So do women. But the error is thinking sex automatically=relationship when it doesn’t necessarily. Something that is learned often through repeated “Just Not That Into You” experiences. Don’t want the kind of guys who are only into sex? Might just want to establish a relationship with one first, as opposed to taking a different one home from clubbing every week-end. Just a thought.

  19. 79
    cinnamon

    re: #76

    “I think women are told from the time they are little girls that guys only want sex and become conditioned to believe this.”

    Personally, I was told sex is a part of a relationship and I became conditioned to believe this. But I can only talk for myself…

  20. 80
    vino

    Selena wrote: “I don’t know that little girls are brainwashed to think guys only want sex. Rather that is a conclusion *some* young women may come to by thinking having sex establishes a relationship. When they find out the young man they slept with did not make the same assumption they are disappointed. To use your hand on the hot stove analogy, if this happens to a young woman enough times, she might well think Guys only want sex.

    I don’t know, Selena. What I’m getting at, and remember this from my wobegone days in early teens, is that girls age 12+ repeated this pretty often. They had to learn it from somewhere prior to your words of “Rather that is a conclusion . . . assumption they are disappointed.”

    I’m getting at what they’re told prior to becoming sexually active.

  21. 81
    Selena

    Well Vino,
    I wasn’t told that. My conditioning was the same as Cinnamon’s–that sex was a part of a caring relationship.

  22. 82
    cinnamon

    I guess we might try to agree that people, both men and women, may bring variuos sets of values all depending on how and where they were brought up (which are worth investigating early on…)

    vino, a kiss to you from a caring woman ;-)

  23. 83
    vino

    That’s great. I don’t meant that in a patronizing way. My question is if I experienced that very young, and that as part of the quotes I pulled above seem to show, this mentality of “all men want is sex” seems pretty prevalent. I don’t know if it is the majority, but widespread it is. I’m trying to figure how early on it occurs. Seems it’d be helpful to know where the stereotypes are initiated…

    I understand you and cinn didn’t experience that, but surely you know others who have, either today or ‘back in the day.’

  24. 84
    Sarah G

    Vino: I won’t think of you during my next lustful session with myself. Reason being that I am very visual and I don’t have visual of you. And don’t want one — I’d rather keep the mystery alive — and at a remove. :)

  25. 85
    Selena

    Vino, Re: #83
    I came of age during the 70′s–the “If it feels good, do it!” era. In the 9th. grade a nurse from Planned Parenthood came our health class showing different forms of birth control and we were told, if we wanted to go on birth control to tell the school nurse and we would get an appt. with PP, not needing our parents consent. This was in 1975, and I realize now how really progressive the school system was. What can I tell you? The attitude was not “Guys are only out for sex” it was, “If you’re going to have sex, protect yourself”.

    What you call stereotypes, based on the quotes you pulled from this blog, I don’t feel come from upbringing or schooling. I believe they come from women (mostly in their 20′s-speculating) that have had unhappy experiences with men disappearing, doing a slow fade out, or otherwise disappointing them after brief, or short-term sexual relationships. If you have had a string of these type of encounters, it may seem reasonable to you that ALL guys are this way. Not All guys are, and those of us who have had loving relationships in the past, (for however long they lasted) know this to be true. And it keeps us hopeful for a future relationship as well.

  26. 86
    vino

    Selena: “If you have had a string of these type of encounters, it may seem reasonable to you that ALL guys are this way.”

    I agree. It kinda goes with the oft-referred to goldigger complaint by guys. Not ALL are. But often enough to warrant comment. Different subject for another thread.

    And Sarah G: you’re probably having one of those “lustful sessions” now. Love the phrase, btw. So, rabbit or something else? ;-)

    It’s okay to admit wanting the visual. No harm in that ;-) ;-)

  27. 87
    Eda

    Everytime I wake up healthy and happy is a victory.

    Everytime my puppy licks my face and wags his little tail because he is so excited to see me is a victory.

    Everytime my cat purrs when I rub her behind the ears is a victory.

    Everytime someone laughs at a joke I tell is a victory.

    Everytime someone raves about the sweets I’ve baked is a victory.

    Evertyime I receive a compliment with gratitude is a victory.

    Everytime I give a sincere compliment is a victory.

    Everytime my co-workers spark to an idea I’ve suggested is a victory.

    Everytime my boss tells me good job is a victory.

    Everytime I praise people who work for me is a victory.

    Everytime a friend trusts me enough to share their sorrows is a victory.

    Everytime I sing my favorite song as loud as can while cruising down the higway (and my puppy sings along) is a victory.

    Everytime my little sister hugs me is a victory.

    Everytime I dance salsa is a victory.

    Everytime I am open enough to see a new way of thinking about things is a victory.

    Everytime my friends eyes light up an they grin from ear to ear when they see me is a victory.

    Everytime my eyes light up and I grin from ear to ear when I see my friends is a victory.

    Everytime I address a fear and overcome it is a victory.

    Everytime I am tolerant of views that are different from my own is a victory.

    Everytime I see the good in people — male and female — is a victory.

    Evertyime I remember that we all just want to be loved for who we are is a victory.

    Everytime I remember that the man who is perfect for me is patiently looking for me and I must patiently look for him is a victory.

    Everytime I acknowledge that the rewards are connecting with people are much greater than the “safety” of disconnecting from them is a victory.

    And every night when I lay my head on my pillow to sleep and know that I have been the best woman I can be is a victory.

  28. 88
    Deathslayer

    From a post in 2004
    Of ALL the advice I could give you, precious little would be better than always give him sex when wants it.

    First, contrary to popular womyn-think now-a-days, in a relationship, a man uses sex to express his love to his woman.

    Second, sex with a woman he loves will ALWAYS make him feel closer to his woman, and will have the added benefit of opening him up emotionally to you.

    Third, ***NOTHING*** you could possibly ***EVER*** say will have the impact, and make him feel more loved, accepted, and appreciated, than having sex with him whenever the mood strikes.

    Fourth, if you start placing ANYTHING ahead of the sex with
    him, you are telling him that whatever it is is MORE important than being intimate with him is, and you will actually come to want LESS sex.

    Fifth, and most selfishly for you (but in a good way), having frequent, regular sex with him will make it MORE likely that you will get something you want.

    Yes, used PROPERLY and in a POSITIVE way, sex is a great motivator. In Dr. Laura’s “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands”, she expounds on this in great detail.

    Let’s put the shoe on the other foot for a moment. If you think YOU shouldn’t always be willing to have sex with him, make sure that you don’t pressure him to “discuss” things, or “open up emotionally” to you when he doesn’t want to. After all, he doesn’t place the same value on discussing feelings verbally as you do, and it would be unreasonable to demand that of him if he isn’t in the mood, right?

    … For a woman to constantly be at her man’s will is no different than a woman constantly asking too much of a man. Again, it’s called compromise. I can’t stress this point too much. …

    Remember your own point when he doesn’t want to take you out to a nice restaurant, or doesn’t want to go to your parents house, or doesn’t want to watch Oprah, or doesn’t want to do any of the myriad of other things that men don’t really like to do, but do it to please you. Unfortunately, today’s american women expect men
    to be as generous as kings with their compromises, but almost all women are stingy misers in their compromises.

    Also, remember this: a NORMAL, SANE, HEALTHY man will take very great care not to place unreasonable burdens on you. Paradoxically, the more you do for HIM, the less he will want to burden you with anything.

    Strange isn’t it? I bet your girlfriends never told you that if you want your boyfriend/husband to act and be better for you, that you should treat him even better than you are doing now.

    As for marriage:
    I will give you a simple list, but don’t come back and “but, but, but…” me.

    You have asked, and if you want really want the answer, you will take it. I will tell you what to do, and you have to figure out how to do that.

    Here is how to get a man to walk through fire for you –

    Look him in the eyes, with love shining out of your own,
    say “my hero”,
    mean it!

    Purge forever from your vocabulary phrases like “fragile male ego” or “big dick syndrome” or any of the other million ways women sneer at men.

    Never let him wonder for a moment if he is important to you or whether your life is better for having him in it.

    If you can figure out how to do those things, I guarantee you that the next “fantastic man” you run across will not pass “through” your life, but will want to become part of it.

    The average man doesn’t ask for much of anything besides gratitude, respect, and love. If those three are present, I daresay a man would put his very life on the line for a woman who could provide it.

    If Sarah could do that with HER man, I guarantee she and a LOT of women wouldn’t have to worry about their sex life or relationships.

    Deathslayer

  29. 89
    Deathslayer

    Why do women seem to have so much focus on sex:

    One night I had the TV on comedy channel in the background.

    For some reason I haven’t watched comedy for a while. However tonight they had a young comedian. He was overweight, young, funny, smart, and African.

    Much of his half hour was relationship jokes and such. Some of them very insightful, though I was not really paying too much attention at first, he drew me in.

    And then he let something fly.

    It was not funny in the way that it was a joke, it was funny cause he pegged the ladies. Funny thing was he was so on that I didn’t laugh, or say anything, I sat at the tube shocked. And I am not an easy person to shock.

    Here was the skit.

    He asked the ladies to answer a question and had the guys be quiet. His question was this.

    If you women no longer have vaginas, how would you
    keep your man happy?.

    Man you could hear a pin drop. This wasn’t a small bar like the improve, the cameras cut to the crowd and this was a full sized concert hall full to the rim (I didn’t recognize it but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the Apollo it’s been a long time since I have been there).

    All you heard was crickets.

    Then the comedian started saying C mon, and helping them to answer by coaxing them. You then heard a peep.. and someone yelled Oral! he says yes, yes, anything else?

    the crowd is a bit less shy, and someone yells Anal!. yes, yes, anything else? silence.. he says

    C mon! is that it?. you could hear a pin drop.

    And then came his comment, I am amazed that he made it out of the theater alive.

    He said something like this. What’s wrong with you? You could have said, learn to play pool, take him to a sports game, or boating. There were a ton of things you could have done to be with your man and make him happy. But the only way all you women could define yourselves was as three holes and nothing else.

    Men have always been able to support themselves and have always wanted women, until now.

    What changed? Why did they want women then and not now?

    Men have always been able , in one way or another, to support themselves (they’re willing to shovel the gravel).

    They wanted women for those things money CAN’T buy, love, respect, a warm home to come home to, their own children and a good woman to raise them.

    Notice that sex ISN’T the first thing they want in a MARRIAGE MATE. The amount of sex means NOTHING to someone you REALLY want to be with. LOVE & RESPECT are. Find a woman who can make a man FEEL and THINK that and who is consistent in that…and she’ll never run out of men who desire her. and a man who never has to worry about his woman loving him is a man who WILL stick around for YEARS, not just months.

    Deathslayer

  30. 90
    hunter

    to Deathslayer,

    BRAVO!……WELL SAID!…..my appause!….you ought to be in the biz….

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