What Men Want

What Men Want

James Michael Sama has a popular blog and calls himself the leader of the “New Chivalry Movement.” It’s a neat bit of branding, I suppose. I’m sure I’d agree with Sama on pretty much everything; I’d just feel uncomfortable putting myself at the forefront of a “movement.” I mean, I’m not Martin Luther King. I’m just a dude with a keyboard and an opinion, you know? Anyway, in this listicle, which has already been shared over 8000 times, Sama says the same things that I’ve been saying for a decade. To his credit, he’s spot on. Let me count the ways:

We really aren’t that complicated.

Which is why I’m always surprised I run a website that says “Understand Men.” Usually, we do what we want, say what we mean, and are baffled when you look for alternate interpretations.

We want to protect you.

Yes, even if you technically don’t need protecting. It’s important for us to feel needed and that’s why smart, strong, successful women, who, technically don’t “need” men have a particularly hard time connecting with them.

Sometimes we really don’t know what we want.

Of course, neither do you. It just seems so much more nefarious when a guy says it. That doesn’t mean he’s “playing games.” It means he has an existential question that he literally does NOT know the answer to – like, “do I want to marry this woman and spend the rest of my life with her?”

We want you to appreciate us. That is our reward for everything.

We’re not going to cheat on you.

Much has been written in this space on this topic, but if your debate is whether any given man is going to cheat on you, the numbers say that 6% will cheat in a given year, and 20-25% over the course of a lifetime. Therefore, 75-94% of men are NOT going to cheat on you. The fact that you’ve chosen cheaters says more about your taste in men and ability to judge character than it does about “men” overall.

We want to make you happy (and for you to tell us how).

This is one of my favorites. Women are perpetually disappointed in their boyfriends and are constantly aggrieved at all the things he’s not doing right or that he should be doing better. But usually that criticism comes out in the form of after-the-fact complaining and nagging, as opposed to being explicit up front about how the man who WANTS to please you can BETTER please you. Example: every client I have complains that men text too much. Virtually none of them have ever explicitly told the guy that it would make her happy to talk on the phone at the end of the night. As a result, they get frustrated that men aren’t making them happy, but they never actually told him HOW to make them happy. They think men should just figure it out on their own.

We seriously “didn’t mean it that way.”

A wonderful addendum to the “we want to make you happy” idea. My wife is excellent at giving me “mulligans” for my big mouth and wrote about how she does so in my bestselling book, “Why He Disappeared”. In other words, if he’s signed on as your boyfriend, and you take offense to something he said, I can assure you, he had no desire to offend you. You should always consider his intent, instead of reacting solely to your perceptions of what he meant.

If your first reaction to this is: “but men DO suck,” I have only one answer for you: choose different men.

You are good enough.

You don’t need to lose weight. You don’t need to get younger. You don’t need to make more money. You don’t need to develop more interesting hobbies. If  anything, you have to do the things on this list: don’t overthink, make us feel needed, trust us, accept the fact that we’re human and confused, believe it when we tell you we didn’t mean to hurt you, forgive him for such minor transgressions, and finally…

We want to know you appreciate us.

Why do we help you move apartments? Why do we pick up the check? Why do we buy you nice birthday gifts? Why do we fix your computer? Why do we try so hard to please you in bed? One reason: we want you to appreciate us. That is our reward for everything. Appreciate us consistently and we will continue to give you the world. Tell us how much we suck and are disappointing you, and very few men are gonna want to stick around.

And if your first reaction to that is: “but men DO suck,” I have only one answer for you: choose different men.

They’re out there, and not just the ones who write these kinds of blogs.

Your thoughts, below, are appreciated.

Join our conversation (43 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 1
    leona

    Hi Evan

    I really like this. I agree with a lot of what you have said and when you meet a good decent man they will probably feel exactly the same as all you. I think half the issue is that people often let that one bad apple spoil a whole bunch. Think the next will do what the last did or worst and women then project a whole lot of issues onto a relationship when they are not always there.

    I am guilty of doing that sometimes admittedly however I am lucky to be in a relationship now with someone who i to believe to be one of the good guys so I am going to admit to stop projecting my insecure thoughts. If i do slip up and do that explain to him why and how i am feeling and apologize. Finally no matter what happens to this relationship I never will give up on the fact that I am worthy of the Happily ever after I crave. To see it you must believe it!

  2. 2
    Noemi

    This is true. It took me a few years of bad relationships and eventually finding myself–and your blog–to recognize this. So, thank you. I have relegated all of the if’s, and’s, and but’s regarding noncommittal men to the dustbin. No more whining. No more complaining. No more wasted tears. I am happier than ever after changing my approach to dating men!

  3. 3
    Adam

    Hi Evan,

    Great article. Women should take this advice to heart.

    I only disagree with one point. If a woman gains a ton of weight, she does need to lose it. Not only for the sake of her appearance but also for her health. If I am dating a girl and she gains 50 or 100 pounds, I am definitely going to talk to her about it and in a loving way, help her work out a plan to lose the weight. But if she gains five or six pounds, I’m not going to say anything.

    And the point about women telling men what makes them happy is gold. Absolutely gold. Ladies, if you don’t take anything away from this article, do take this point away. Most men have absolutely NO idea how to make you happy unless you tell him. Yep, you have to tell him straight and and in a completely direct manner, what you like and don’t like. You think we will “figure this out” or “get your clues.” We NEVER will. We aren’t built that way. The same principal applies to the bedroom. We may have slept with 20 women before we met you, but ALL women are different. Please, communicate to us what you like and don’t like. Don’t nag us. Just give us pointers, in a loving, friendly and direct manner in how to make you happy.

    1. 3.1
      Pat

      What happens when a woman tells a man what she wants and he still doesn’t do it? Usually she tells him again at another point in time and he still doesn’t do it. And it eventually becomes “nagging” because despite what men say, a lot of them don’t like being asked to do things that they don’t want to do. Telling women that all a woman has to do is (kindly) ask is a lie – because men don’t do a darn thing they don’t want them to do. Clean up after himself, help out with the chores, carry out family commitments – if he doesn’t want to do any of that, it doesn’t matter how sweetly or how direct you ask, he won’t do it!

      1. 3.1.1
        Karmic Equation

        Pat,

        If him not doing what you want him to do makes you unhappy, and he continues not to do it, you have to decide if what he’s not doing are dealbreakers or not. If they are, then break up with him. Or you can use some humor to solve your problems.

        Tell him matter of factly (wiithout anger or judgment) that laundry that isn’t put in the hamper doesn’t get washed by you. He’s either going to have to pick up after himself or do his own laundry. Problem solved.

        If his dirty laundry is too much of an eyesore, go so far as to pick the stuff up, but put them out of the way where you don’t have to see it (like in a closet). Use humor and think out of the box to solve some of these problems.

        If he leaves tools or other stuff lying around, get a big bucket and put all the stuff that he hasn’t put away into that bucket and when he needs to look for something, he can search there first.

        Or you can even be playful. Make a list of rewards (sex acts for example) for which he earns if he does something you want him to do. Like picking up his laundry for 5 days in a row earns him a blow job on day 6. Be creative. You’ll engage him and he’ll start negotiating with you. “If I do this baby, what do I get?” and you create dialog and fun and he’s now motivated to do what you want in a positive way.

        Positive reinforcement works for human beings as it does for animals. Negative reinforcements, such as nagging, work short term but it rarely motivates people to change for the better. And it’s not at all fun.

        If all the above fails, and you cannot accept his offenses, you need to break up with him. He’s not changing. And you need to do what’s best for you.

        1. Fail

          yes, ladies, use sex as a bargaining chip to get him to do what you want. men just LOVE that. 🙄

      2. 3.1.2
        Adam

        You are right. Some men won’t listen no matter how much you tell them. But some will. The question I have, is if you are not on the same page in regards to family and household duties, why get married. I believe in discussing these things and making agreements before you make a lifelong commitment.

        I knew a woman years ago, who was married to a guy who didn’t do chores, didn’t drive the kids to school or to sports practice. The wife had to do everything. But on the other hand, he was a multi-millionaire workaholic who took excellent care of his wife, she didn’t have to go to work, and the kids were able to go to private school. So there are tradeoffs in everything.

      3. 3.1.3
        Adam

        Another thing. What frustrates the heck out of me and other men, is if a woman “tells you what she wants,” and we do it, she is STILL unhappy. Or even holds the fact that we are doing what she wants against us. We REALLY don’t get this. The guy does his job, is a good father, takes care of the kids, helps the woman clean. In return he gets a woman with bad temper, who nags and who only has sex with him once a month, if that. That is what confuses men.

        1. SparklingEmerald

          If a man is in the “confusing” situation as described above, EMK’s advise to women in the reverse situation holds true. Dump her. No one can mistreat you if you aren’t around.

        2. Leonor

          The question is are you doing it in a negitive tone with an attitude??? Women like it when it comes from your heart to help her without her asking. If our not sure how to help her then ask “honey how can i help you?” Remember men women need a break too from house chores. Normally women now a days work and get home and work some more. When i was working I’d get home and change clothes and get started on dinner and at least a liad or two of laundry. Men help you women out no wonder their exhausted and wont have sex….to much loads on her. Help her and you show her you love her and she will love you the way you want too.

    2. 3.2
      Di

      One issue with this: calories-in, calories-out is a faulty theory, and this is overwhelmingly backed up by science. This is a common issue with women, so weight-loss sometimes seems impossible. I have to go on a low-carb diet and *stay* on it to lose weight. The results are amazing. However, when women start dating men, staying on a diet is very difficult.

      At a certain point, men have to be mindful of our dietary needs. I’m at a point where I absolutely must lose weight. Fortunately, the guy I *just* started dating, thinks I’m hot, and thank God he tells me (some guys like bigger women)! However, if he ends up taking me to a lot of places that don’t provide options for my dietary needs, I’m going to have to have “the talk” with him. Unfortunately, a lot of guys don’t understand this. Men need to be mindful of how they sabotage their women’s diets. Setting us up for success is tremendously helpful. How our bodies work frequently changes as we age, and we need your support.

  4. 4
    AAORK

    I’m forwarding this article to every single woman I know. If they choose to read and apply it, great! If not, oh well. Either way, they’ll never again have a valid reason to utter the phrase “where are all the good men?”. Fingers crossed.

  5. 5
    KH77

    Unfortunately I recently ended an almost 4 year relationship with a man who wasn’t like these points, he was critical of my career (I’m self employed, able to support myself and happy) but it wasn’t good enough and he’d make sure to vent his frustrations when I couldn’t afford to split the cost of vacations, he made well into six figures and suggested most of these trips. I always cooked meals and showed my appreciation for him in other ways but it was never good enough. His attitude has me stepping back now and taking time to myself, I was the one who broke up with him (and of course he tried keeping in touch but I told him no). He was also critical of my weight (he was no gym rat, I exercised more than he did) and I never felt good enough. There were good things but deep down he had major issues.

    I really want to find a man who is happy with me the way I am, unfortunately my ex did a little number on my self esteem so I’m getting myself together before I get back out there again. I’m certainly not going to put up with that $hit again. I would love to find a guy who resembles the attitude in this article.

    1. 5.1
      starthrower68

      I’m sorry you went through that. That would definitely take the wind out of your sails.

    2. 5.2
      Lmj

      Your ex sounds similar to mine, and my relationship was about the same length. Did he come on strong and seem adoring at first? Mine was that way but then became critical and passive aggressive. Nothing was ever to his liking. I should have been more aware of the troubling aspects of his critiques which were often irrational – for example, I saved money and was frugal due to concern about the recession which was at its peak as we were dating, yet he criticized me as too cheap. I gained 5 lbs and he made me feel bad. If I went to the gym in the evening or suggested we go together, he resented it. He resented my career and hobbies that he was aware of when we met. All the things about me that he liked when we started dating became points of criticism and I failed to note this , but rather dug in my heels and let him trash my self esteem.

      It’s hard getting past that. It’s been over two years since and I have yet to me a compatible man who even remotely resembles the description of this post.

      1. 5.2.1
        Kh77

        Yes he came on adoring and strong in the beginning, he was actually seemingly adoring throughout and peppered with me with nice gestures and compliments in between the criticism during our relationship. The things he would complain about were also things I’d consider irrational and I’m coming to realize it was a self projection that he was dumping on me. I was the same size all throughout our relationship including the day we met, yet he’d make little remarks about my weight (I’m absolutely not overweight, I guess he just thought he deserved a woman with a swimsuit model ‘s body while he worked hard to maintain a beer belly and double chin. I worked out far more than he did too). The thing that bothered me is that I never criticized these things about him and they never bothered me so why was it okay to be critical of me? There were a multitude of other things that weren’t good enough, even if he didn’t outright say some things in could tell when he was judging me on something by his mannerisms. It took a toll on me, the person who is supposed to be on “your team” and your cheerleader is the one breaking you down and it hurts.

        1. selena

          @Kh77 It sounds like he wasn’t happy with himself and since he felt bad about himself, he wanted you to feel bad about yourself. I’ve met men who did that to me, only to find out later (once they admit it) it was a plan to keep me as they didn’t feel they deserved me in the first place, so if he could get my self-esteem all messed up, I would think no man would want me so I may as well deal with this one.. a mind game..

    3. 5.3
      DeeGee

      KH77 and Lmj, it sounds like you had a couple of not-so-good guys, there are good guys out there.  Unfortunately that usually means spending more time looking for them.

  6. 6
    GL

    I really liked this article because I recently ended it with a guy that: “didn’t want a relationship.” Man could I have fallen for him! But keeping in mind that men mean what they say, I decided to suggest just being friends. I started becoming angry at his behavior and realized that I couldn’t make demands for changes simply because we aren’t on the path for commitment.

    Go figure though, after I said let’s just be friends we had sex and he texted me for an hour after I left. I’m taking that as: he enjoys time with me, but he doesn’t want pressure or commitment right now, which is fine. It sucks, he has a lot of great qualities and I wanted to know him better, but yeah, I had to go with his word that there will be no relationship, at least anytime soon. (He may want one in a few months apparently, but I’m not banking on that). No hidden meaning. We were friends before, and that’s way more important to me than confusion and budding resentment.

    SUCKS. But that’s dating! NEXT please…but I secretly wish he’d come around again. Wouldn’t that be lovely? I want to find a man who will profess his undying love for me.

    Oh yeah…this guy was so much younger than me but his maturity towards the situation set the bar. He is more mature about dating than some 40 year olds I’ve gone out with! Ridiculous! He’s going to make a special girl very happy once he does want a relationship, and realizes that following through with what he says he will do is an honest way to live. LOL

    1. 6.1
      JJ

      It sounds like you secretly hold out hope this guy will want you and change his mind. Please please listen to a girl who had been there. Run. You can find someone soooo much better who truly loves you and leaves you wondering what you ever saw in this one. I did. And I am soooo happy.

    2. 6.2
      DeeGee

      This is my personal feelings on part of your post: too many people have sex way too soon in relationships, and there are a lot of people who are content just being friends-with-benefits.  Ladies, don’t give it (sex) up that easy, any man who is interested in you for you will wait.  And being that intimate with someone can make the break-up worse.

  7. 7
    Katie

    Do you think this list is helpful for spotting the not so great guys? I feel like my ex wasn’t really interested in helping me, or protecting me and if I did appreciate him with nice compliments or thank yous, he would often just say, “I know,” or, “Nice one!” rather than being genuinely pleased that someone he cared about had said something lovely.

    I know I should probably have left sooner, but in the end I waited for him to chuck me and I feel like I was quite whiny and clingy in the end, because anytime I told him what would make me happy he just ignored it and did lots of things for the last few months to make me unhappy. (Eg. he made very little time for me, but loads for his mates. He was only nice to me when he wanted sex. He groped another woman on a night out (in front of her boyfriend!) and then suggested I was being unreasonable when I said I didn’t like it.) Now I spend a lot of time fretting that maybe it was all my fault and if I’d been even cooler and even less bothered about what he did and even more appreciative and so on, that things might have been different.

    So do you think if a girl actually adheres to most of the stuff on that listicle and the man still isn’t very nice to her, that she just has a not very nice man? I never really know in my relationships whether I’ve got a genuine dud or whether I’m expecting too much, or doing something wrong, so I always hang on in there in terrible relationships for too long trying to improve myself and make them better ha.

    I am improving lots though since discovering Evan Marc Katz and Natalie Lue! Thank you so much, guys, you will never know how much difference you are making in my life!

    1. 7.1
      Karmic Equation

      Katie,

      In the whole scheme of things, it really doesn’t matter if you were dating a nice guy or a bad guy. The determining factor of staying in a relationship is NOT whether the guy was nice or not.

      The determining factor is your feelings.

      If you’re unhappy and you’ve communicated to him why you’re unhappy and he doesn’t change or is unwilling to work it out with you, then you choice is either to accept it or leave him. “Waiting” for him to change is futile.

      “A mistake made more than once is a decision.” – FB meme

      Give a guy a mulligan for mistakes. Critically evaluate his decisions. If you can’t accept his decisions, you need to have the courage to end the relationship.

  8. 8
    Henriette

    Okay, I absolutely believe this: “Sometimes we really don’t know what we want” but realising it is also the way a lot of us, both male and female, get ourselves into trouble. For example, countless men & women (myself included) have hung around objects of desire who’ve friend-zoned us because we convince ourselves, “he/she just don’t know what he/she wants.” I was in love with a guy for years who blew hot and cold because it was clear he didn’t know what he wanted.

    Even if the guy is honest about not knowing what he wants, at some point that becomes an answer in and of itself. It’s fine to be uncertain here in the early months but there comes a time where he’d better be sure that he wants a monogamous romantic relationship with me or I will walk.

    1. 8.1
      Karl S

      It is definitely an answer in and of itself. Have you read the Mark Manson article called “Fuck Yes or No”? He says if you’re in the grey area to begin with, you’ve already lost.

      He also echoes Evan by saying –

      “Fuck Yes or No doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be falling in knee-wobbling love at first sight. It doesn’t even mean you have be completely convinced that someone is right for you. You can be “Fuck Yes” about getting to know someone better. You can be “Fuck Yes” about seeing someone again because you think there’s something there. You can be “Fuck Yes” about giving things a few months to pan out and see if you can fix the problems in the relationship.

      The point is: both you and the other person need to be fuck yes about something, otherwise you’re just wasting your time.”

      1. 8.1.1
        twinkle

        I agree so much, Henriette and Karl S. As Evan said, people have to evaluate the quality of the rship, and not so much focus on the partner’s personal qualities. Just because he/she is hot or successful or charming, it doesn’t mean that the person is being a good partner! Reality sucks sometimes. lol.

        1. Karmic Equation

          I agree twinkle.

          I don’t understand why women don’t walk away from a relationship as soon as they’re not happy. When she recognizes her man isn’t putting in the same effort as before and his behavior is starting to change causes her concern, and she starts feeling like she’s being taken for granted, she needs to start paying attention to her feelings. And analyze them. Do they have a basis in reality. Or is she hormonal (due to pregnancy or change of life). How long has she been feeling this way, etc. Once she stops feeling the love from him, she needs to think about an exit strategy. And she should talk to him before she executes it. If he’s not willing to change, she already knows what she’s going to do.

  9. 9
    starthrower68

    Well I’ve just about seen everything now. On an episode of Doomsday Preppers there was a guy who gave up fast cars and women to be a prepper. 😝

  10. 10
    Rebecca

    The man I’m dating routinely _notices_ things. I think this is what women are complaining about when they wish men just knew things without being told. The first time we went out for bagels, I got poppy seed, and now every time I’m at his place in the morning, he just happens to have a poppy seed bagel handy even though neither he nor his kids is eating them. It wouldn’t even have occurred to me to tell him what my favorite bagel is, but the fact that he was paying attention, obviously looking for ways to please me, makes me feel enormously spoiled. And, heck yeah, I’m letting him know I appreciate him!

  11. 11
    Jamie

    Well, I could not have said it better myself. What a great blog! I totally agree with the listicle, however, I believe you are missing something in your explanation (I could be wrong!). Masculine and feminine energy has a lot to answer for. Due to the nature of todays world, there are no longer clear defining roles between man and women, thankfully. The above explanation describes the behaviours of a basic male stereotype. The problem is that we are going through an evolutionary change, men are no longer solely masculine with masculine traits. Hence there are fewer and fewer typical men out there, just like there are fewer and fewer typical women out there. No longer are ‘Women from Venus and Men are from Mars’ someone built bridge between the two and we now travel backwards and forwards. Men are confused, women say they want a man to be masculine yet when they are, they are not in touch with their feelings enough. Women are confused, men want them to be more independent, but when they are, they are considered a ballbreaker. We all play different roles these days, find out as much as you can and make siome changes.

    I guess what I am trying to say is this. Think about what it is you want from a relationship and if the person you are dating does not measure up, stop dating them!

    The people who end up dying old and lonely are the ones who refuse to reflect on their experiences and choose to do things differently. Look at what has worked for you in the past and do more of that.

    If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always got!

    Rant over!!

    1. 11.1
      Kay

      You better preach, Jamie!!! SO much Truth!

      1. 11.1.1
        Jamie

        I am trying Kay!

        Most of my dating clients come away with a fresh outlook and I present to groups regularly. Hopefully, I can at least inspire conversations and get people to think differently.

    2. 11.2
      Di

      I disagree. There are very clearly defined roles as predetermined by nature. We have problems when we defy those roles. Men and women are *not* the same. We are equal in value, but wired differently. When we respect that enough to notice, accept, and support it, we are often quite happy. When we defy it, we get frustrated and confused. I really don’t think previous generations were nearly as confused as we are now. I am a strong, successful women. I am also feminine and traditional, although I had to learn how to accept this truth about myself in spite of society trying to program my generation otherwise. Now that I’m embracing that femininity, and I am confident in my value as a woman, I am getting more favorable attention from men, and I love it! So, it’s no surprise that my dating life was practically non-existent until very recent years.

      1. 11.2.1
        Jamie

        Di, I think the “clearly defined roles” are more determined by society and history rather than nature. I am not denying that there are differences, but once you take away being able to give birth, exactly how different are we?  The architypal roles that we all assume, are our own invension. Religion and mythology supplied us with role models and beliefs that formed the architypes that we have today.  When you talk about “accepting the truth about yourself”, is it fair to say, that you did not want to accept the fact that you are a traditionalist?  What is a traditionalist, if it is not someone who is living according to an architype developed hundreds of years ago? Only when we understand that, although it is difficult, we must learn to live for the future.

    3. 11.3
      Joek

      Nah, you’re mistaken I believe. There’s no “bridge” between Mars and Venus…try dating women and you will find that what women consistently look for in men are “typical” traits.  You have to be “manly” (whatever that means in HER mind, and is essentially the opposite/complementary of what *she* is). Since biology places such a huge role in determining our most basic paradigms of the world, this won’t be changing soon.

       

      I believe you’re conflating the late-20th-century acceptance of those who are atypical for a change in what the typical is.

      1. 11.3.1
        DeeGee

        Joek said: “try dating women and you will find that what women consistently look for in men are “typical” traits.

        This is my experience exactly.
        Unfortunately, for many women this equates to “alpha male”.
        I have talked to some women who have been burned by alpha males (alpha males that use them then disappear etc.), they are all hurt over it, and they tell me that they realize that they should instead go for a guy like me (somewhere between alpha and beta), but then never do.
        I’m tempted to buy Evan’s ebooks and give them to all of the single women I know as xmas gifts.  😉

  12. 12
    LMj

    So true. I have always been pretty fit and health conscious. I dated and lived with a guy who hated to cook and preferred eating out or comfort / convenience food (ie pizza). I’d come home from a long day at work , on a day he had off, and he would have a pizza in the fridge. He could have easily made something more healthy , even simple grilled chicken and salad which I often make for myself as a single person now. He gained 30 lbs while we were dating, yet when I gained 5 due to the influence of his habits, he made it clear I was less attractive.

  13. 13
    Micaela

    I have to say, I started reading at around 2am (it’s now 4.20am), and because you are young and attractive, I was prejudiced and thought this’d be a waste of my time -which speaks volumes of me and so far nothing about you-.
    I LOVE your blog! I’ve learned so much in the past 2 hours that is hard for me to believe only ONE person holds this much knowledge about relationships. I’ve read The 30 Day Love Detox, Act like a lady, think like a man and Date like a man, but I have to say, your blog will be one I frequently visit to keep up with all of your great info.

    Keep up your good work, and your post about not criticising but telling him how his actions affected me just solved a little discussion I had tonight over social media -I ended up leaving him a very constructive, heartfelt -and a bit funny- message on his FB account.

    Thank you, thank you so SO much. Blessings from Lima, Peru.

  14. 14
    Michael

    You don’t need to lose weight. 

    Such bad advice. “Need” is maybe too strong of a word but getting into great physical shape is about the easiest thing a woman can do to increase her attractiveness. If she’s overweight it’s easy to gain 1-3 levels on a 1-10 scale. That’s huge. 

  15. 15
    Ames

    I love this–thanks for posting. Any advice for what to do if you’re writing to lots of men online and they mostly sit answer or the ones who do talk about sex or your body in the first email? I tend to pick the nerdy guys, and don’t mind a potbelly, balding or short stature.

  16. 16
    Natalie

    Thank you SO MUCH for this blog. You have an AMAZING gift to bring people together and discuss real issues dealing with relationships. I AM SO APPRECIATIVE to have found your blog today for the first time-I found you on Pinterest.com and wow am I happy about it. I will continue to follow your blog every day. Have you ever considered using your talent to host special social events sort of like a motivational speaker? I think you would have an amazing opportunity to begin bringing all people together in a forum to discuss these issues and truly change the world. One person really can change the world and I firmly believe this is a new way you should try.  Keep blogging too. Start an online discussion like an online town-hall meeting. I actually think it could work! Your ability to help others is very special. Some of us need opportunities to meet people in a constructive,productive social way that makes sense to us. Being able to come together in a discussion forum would be exceptionally helpful! Imagine being able to bring together people and have new long term relationships form because of your assistance… you really could begin to change the world. Become a relationship coach. I believe in you.

    1. 16.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Thank you, Natalie. That’s extremely kind of you and I’m glad you got something out of it. But in case you didn’t look at the top of the page, I already AM a relationship coach AND a speaker. 🙂

      Looking forward to helping you however I can.

      Best,

      Evan

  17. 17
    Karlene

    Well I am about to be out there in the dating world again after 16 years with the same man @ 49.

    About a year before my divorce I figured out actually what I needed in a relationship when he came walking into my life. We are both freelance artists that were hired for a project and were working out of my house. However the age difference was too much. Can you say Demi & Ashton? After little over a year we both admitted our atttaction and respect for one another and how beautiful a person we believed each other were. Neither of were going to kid ourselves that tbere wasn’t something there and neither of us were going to kid ourselves or each other that the long term prospects were bleak.  So we actually remained friends and still work. My question is do all of the things that I learned I needed and want in  relationship actually exist?

    So here is what I learned:

    I did not know I was confused about my ability to trust men.  I thought I did trust men because I am not the jealous type and because I had been deeply in love with a man.  I thought that vulnerability and intimacy was allowing myself to give from that place Donny Hathaway sings about where there is no space and time.  By the way men you want to melt a woman play her A Friend of Mine by Donny Hathaway.

    No I had it all wrong. With this man I sharing some of my work that is so deeply personal I was frightened but could bring myself to do it..well that is intimacy.  I never trusted  man to do that with before.  So I learned I never trusted men and didn’t even know it.

    I also learned how incredibly gently I need to be dealt with to be able to trust like that.  That type of gentleness is required next time around because I want to experience that level of trust.  It makes me question, if I have not trusted, have I ever really made love with someone before? I thought I had?

    This gentle thing is not about being a shrink not about having a parent child dynamic. Nor is it about being passive.  A woman wants to feel protected by a man, she wants to know he can think for himself and stand up for himself thereby she knows he can do the same for her.

    This gentle thing and the extent to what I needed blew my mind. I don’t quite know quite how to describe it but there are elements of humility, being completely open to possibility, and being nonjudgmental.

    I  learned I need someone who has joy AND a passion ..Not a cheerleader.  A person who most days wakes up happy and looking forward to the day because they like their life.  

    I learned I need someone who I am willing to let know (there goes that gentle thing again) I am having an off day and can help me find my internal energy.  I will do the same for them.

    I learned I need someone who has passion about some of the things I am passionate about and loves to share.  I never realized how important tbat is to me to share my passion witb someone who understands.

    I learned I need someone who is comfortable and can be witb someone who feels things deeply and must express them.  Positive or painful.

    I also learned how important it is to be with someone who is intellectually compatable and can tell me when I am full of shit because it does happen.

    I also learned from my previous marriage how important physical touch is in the bedroom and out.  And I like most people am turned off by clingy.

    So Evan, gentlemen and ladies is this too much to ask for in one person?

    Oh btw being originally from the South opening and closing doors, holding the elevator, pulling my chair out for me at a nice dinner would NOT go unnoticed.

     

     

     

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