Should I Be Okay With Letting My Boyfriend Fulfill His Fetish With Another Woman?

I am 22 years old and in a relationship of 10 months with an absolutely amazing guy. He is 26, so thoughtful, open-minded, kindhearted, and gives me so much respect. We have an interesting sex life (very much into kink and playing with dominant vs. submissive roles). We both love it. I know he has a kind of fetish that’s fairly innocent and involves tickling. We sadly discovered that I am not ticklish at all. He said that was fine and we have continued on with our relationship enjoying each other. However, recently we began talking about his fetish and I asked him if he feels deprived that I’m not able to fulfill him in this area. After prying and trying to get him to talk, he admitted that it is something that he sometimes feels he is lacking, but that it is okay and he has learned to control and deal with it.

I still, however, feel that something has to be done. I feel it would be selfish of me to not allow him to fulfill his fetish desires with someone else because I am not ticklish. I don’t like knowing that he is not being totally sexually pleased but I am not sure how I feel about him actually physically being involved with someone else. I am not a jealous person and I’m okay with him having many female friends, including his exes. I do worry that not letting him fulfill his fetish will ruin what we have and I also worry that if I give the okay for him to do so, it may ruin what we have and create distance. How do I know if I would be okay having an open kind of relationship? I go back and forth on this. I wonder, also, if it is simply too early to make a major decision like this and if I should wait it out. Any advice would be helpful, hope to hear soon!

Thank you.
Lana

Lana,

One of the virtues of being a dating coach who dated online for 10 years, met over 300 women, and ultimately made a great decision on my spouse is that I am well-equipped to understand almost every facet of dating. I’ve walked a mile in just about everybody’s shoes, made my share of mistakes, and have been fortunate to help others for the past 11 years.

But every so often, I get a question that I’m ill-equipped to answer, because I have absolutely no life experience in that arena. Sexual fetishism is one of them.

I was like vanilla ice cream with vanilla sauce on top with a side of vanilla.

Like any other guy without great perspective on the world, there was a time that I thought I was a little bit kinky. Then I went to the Sex Museum in New York with my girlfriend and saw an exhibit on the wide range of kinks out there. I was astounded.

I was like vanilla ice cream with vanilla sauce on top with a side of vanilla.

The things that I liked that seemed somewhat kinky were at the very bottom of the kink chart – as compared to pony play, plushies, various kinds of BDSM, toys and torture devices, pissing/excrement, diapers, cannibal play and so on. Indeed, there are so many kinks that, instead of making me feel ashamed for being so boring, I actually left feeling lucky. It must be hard to go through life not feeling sexually satisfied unless your partner plays dead for you.

Which brings us to you and your boyfriend, Lana.

To your credit, you seem to be what Dan Savage calls GGG – good, giving and game. You’re up for anything that would please your partner and really want to be a great girlfriend. Except you’re at an impasse. He loves tickling. You’re not ticklish. A cruel fickle twist from the love gods, to be sure.

So while I’m no expert in fetishes – much less an amateur – I would like to think that fetishes are strong sexual preferences. And, like any other preference, people can insist on indulging them or be willing to compromise on them. Now, I suspect that a sexual fetishist is going to write to me and tell me how wrong I am, how fetishists have no choice but to live their fantasies, and that anything less will lead them to a life of misery. It is not my place to tell you otherwise. All I will do is point out to you that finding another partner who is aligned with your fetish may be as hard as finding a 6’2” Jewish guy with an MBA who is home from work at 3 to pick up the kids at school. As always, you’re never wrong for having a strong preference, but you may have an extremely hard time finding a life partner if you refuse to compromise on said preference.

Finding another partner who is aligned with your fetish may be as hard as finding a 6’2” Jewish guy with an MBA who is home from work at 3 to pick up the kids at school.

As for you, Lana, I appreciate the spirit of being a pleaser, being sexually open, not wanting to deprive your boyfriend of his ultimate sexual fantasies. And if you’re fine with him tickling/sleeping with other women, that’s your prerogative. I just think that’s unnecessarily complicated and taxing for a young couple.

The easier solution is to throw this back at your boyfriend. If he will never feel satisfied without tickling, he can go find a ticklish woman to marry. If he’s going to be with you, he’s going to have to accept the fact that there is one area that he doesn’t get his needs met.

You have no decisions to make. It’s up to him.

His answer will tell you everything you need to know.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Carrie

    Have you tried “faking it”? If the goal is to fulfill his desire and the only problem is that you aren’t ticklish, why not just work on laughing when you’re tickled even if it doesn’t happen naturally? You can work with your partner and figure out what type of giggle/laughter he’s after and oblige him with the appropriate reaction. It might not be perfect at first, but I imagine its a lot like learning to “talk dirty” or similar. Over time he may be able to forget that you’re not actually ticklish.

  2. 2
    Stacy

    My advice:

    Don’t do anything you will not be comfortable doing OR continuing to do. If the man cant get over his fetish, like Evan said, he will either have to find someone else or deal with it. You cannot compromise sexually the things that affect your core values and only you can determine that. Frankly, I can never share my man and I personally think one of the points of a committed relationship is sexual monogamy but hey, that’s just me.

    Evan, your advice as usual, is golden.

  3. 3
    Adilia

    No one is ever going to be able to please someone else in EVERY way they would like to be pleased. It sounds like you have a belief that you are ‘not enough’ without being able to give this to him. I think that belief is what you need to focus on. You mentioned that he said he was fine without having this tickling bit in his life. It sounds like he wants you regardless, and you are still trying to push him to say you aren’t enough. Why is that? Think over your past. Were there times when someone else told you you weren’t enough, or you weren’t right for them unless you did XYZ?
    Guess what? You are enough!
    If he NEEDED this, he wouldn’t still be with you.
    Trust me. I’ve spent a long time pushing guys who really loved me away. I’ve spent a long time trying to tell people that I couldn’t give them the things they wanted, even when all they wanted was to be with me. I used to dig up reasons why I thought I wouldn’t be able to make my partners happy, when they were already happy. Isn’t that crazy? It’s self sabotage.
    Don’t do it!
    Instead, think about how much he must love every other aspect of you! He is willing to give up something he enjoys so much to be with you! Embrace it!

    1. 3.1
      Samantha

      Thank you for this, Adilia. That is me in a nutshell, and it helped hearing it from someone else. You definitely gave me something to think about!

      1. 3.1.1
        Adilia

        So glad to hear that what I had to say served you 🙂

  4. 4
    Melissa

    This guy sounds like he would be okay without the tickling. He told her that he was willing to deal with and control his desire. So let him be okay without it. I see this as her trying to create a problem so she can solve it, but the problem doesn’t really exist.

    1. 4.1
      Joek

      THIS!

       

      he admitted that it is something that he sometimes feels he is lacking, but that it is okay and he has learned to control and deal with it.

      I still, however, feel that something has to be done.”

       

      She’s making a problem where none exists. Believe what he says.

  5. 5
    Karl S

    I’m with Melissa on this. It sounds like more of a kink than a fetish in the sense that even though he enjoys the act and wishes he could do it with you, it’s not like you can’t have great sex without it. Kind of like not having any icing on the cake. No icing, sure, but you still have cake!

    I’ve dated a couple of super kinky people and they tended towards open relationships, possibly in order to fulfill their various kinks with different people who are into them. However, I’d be weary of entering into that kind of arrangement out of guilt for your partners needs. It should be something you both do because it’s fundamental to your natures and you know deep down that you can’t be monogamous.

  6. 6
    victoria

    I’m surprised that not being ticklish is an issue; it doesn’t seem like a fetish at all – just a weird preference that someone giggles a lot.

  7. 7
    Joe

    You know, vanilla can be very tasty…

  8. 8
    Jen

    I am in a very similar situation as the original poster, as the submissive in a Dom/sub committed relationship. Our relationship is also very new, and we are still establishing the roles and rules. It can be challenging to know when to wear the sub hat and when to wear the girlfriend hat. Outside of our sexual relationship, we consider ourselves equals, but there is still a blurry line in between the two sometimes. As a girlfriend, I don’t want us to do anything that could potentially harm our long-term prospects. But as a sub, I want to please and satisfy my Dom.

    Recently I did something very wrong that we both agreed required me to be punished. The punishment my Dom selected was that I be hit on the rear end with his belt 10 times. I felt this was completely appropriate and that I would be able to take it. When the time came and he began hitting me, it wasn’t long before I was crying. It hurt obviously but was also an emotionally cathartic experience. He stopped after 6 hits.

    Later we talked about it, and he admitted that, while he didn’t like making me cry, he enjoyed hitting me with his belt immensely. I told him that I didn’t like being hit but was completely willing and open to do it again, but he was hesitant. I think the boyfriend in him was bothered that I didn’t like it, and that it made me cry. He said that he wanted to reserve that as a punishment for me, and suggested the possibility that he do that on other women. We have talked about it at length but have still not decided how to proceed.

    What the original poster needs to understand is that if she allows her Dom boyfriend to tickle another woman, most likely there would not be just tickling. Most likely he would want a full scenario, beginning with dinner, some foreplay, tickling, and then ending with full possession of her (intercourse). After all, tickling a total stranger is not as enjoyable as tickling someone you’ve developed a mental connection with, and after he gets all hot and bothered with touching and tickling her, you bet he is going to want sex.

    So be very careful about your decision. Understand that you would most likely be sharing your Dom in every way. And that if you do it once, there is a good chance he would want to do it again. Would you be OK with that?

    1. 8.1
      Ashley

      i don’t mean to sound rude but that sounds an awful lot like the 50 shades of grey story line…are you sure it was you this happened to? If so, has he read the book? That is literally exactly what happened with the characters….

  9. 9
    TransientDude

    Dump him and stop having sex before you’re married. You’re ruining your relationship and any future marriage with him or anyone else.

    1. 9.1
      Ashley

      i hate to tell you this because apparently you’re unaware of what year it is, but almost everyone has sex before marriage. Judging her isn’t helpful. Make sure you’re perfect before you judge someone else and I guarantee you that you’re not. Dump him when he is willing to give up something he really likes bc he cares about her enough as a person to look over the fact that he can’t have that anymore? Terrible advice.

  10. 10
    Tina

       I can’t get over this New BS Push that’s being force fed to the public (and of course too many dumb girls falling for it) with the “threesome garbage”  and the BS terms Im hearing about “exploring & experiencing group sex” . LISTEN FURST OFF NO WONDER STD’s & VD ARE IN THE RISE AGAIN!!!  Gross!!!!!!   And SECOND don’t call him your boyfriend or call her your girlfriend because that requires a vakue called commitment!!!!    LOOK IF he/she is pushing for sex with others inside the relationship Run!!!   Look Do Not call that person a BF or GF bc if a person can’t be faithful to you in a basic boyfriend or girlfriend capacity then GUESS WHAT dont expect faithfulness in marriage!!   Remember that’s what being boyfriend & girlfriend is A Test to see how it would be or if the person has the charachter, quality, love, honor to be faithful!ol then FORGET ABOUT MARRAIGE.!!  This 3 some crap HELL NO Id slap a dudes face if he asked me that.  Just go cheat YA slob & call it what it is.  

    1. 10.1
      Joek

      Wait, SHE brings it up and now that’s a result of her being force fed “threesome”?

       

      Talk about playing both sides of the coin.

       

      This is justa  simple problem of her making something out of nothing.

    2. 10.2
      Joek

      he admitted that it is something that he sometimes feels he is lacking, but that it is okay and he has learned to control and deal with it.

      I still, however, feel that something has to be done.”

       

      SHE’s the one coming up with “the other woman” scenario, and you’re blaming HIM!

       

      Cognitive Dissonance at it’s finest.

    3. 10.3
      Ashley

      Wow, you sound pretty judgmental! So just because a couple does relationships differently than you do, they can’t call each other boyfriend girlfriend? So you’re not the authority on what constitutes a boyfriend girlfriend relationship? I don’t think so. I agree with you that people shouldn’t allow themselves to be pressured into doing things they aren’t comfortable with, but if two consenting adults decide to try something like this and it works for them, you don’t get to say this makes them not boyfriend and girlfriend. If you don’t want to do that stuff, don’t do it, but what gives you the right to judge people just because they like different things sexually than you do? Wow

  11. 11
    Tina

    And sorry for all the typos – But this article is just disgusting to me and we are seeing way too many articles and junk TV pushing this stupid BS.  Wow progressive Hellywood really can’t stand true values!!!   We will all pay for this Gross crap !!     

  12. 12
    Ashley

    As someone who also has a tickling fetish, I will say that tickling is in no way an innocent fetish and it is very sexual to those of us with the fetish. Since you don’t have the fetish, you see it as innocent bc it’s probably something you did as a child and you don’t see it as sexual. However, when it’s happening between adults who are turned on by it, it’s anything but innocent and WILL lead to sex. I would strongly advise against pushing him to do this with another woman unless he’s going to meet someone on a site and explain to her it’ll only be tickling and you’re going to be there to satisfy his sexual needs when he’s done.

    Better idea? Either pretend you’re ticklish or experiment with making yourself more sensitive. Put baby oil on your skin, put your feet up to a heater and heat them up, put sensitizing lube on areas he wants to tickle, and then have him try and tickle you. You may be surprised. Almost everyone has at least 1 or 2 spots where they’re sensitive and can be ticklish if it’s done correctly!

     

  13. 13
    Stumped

    I finally convinced my wife to agree to a threesome after years of begging. I was amazed at how into it she was after having reservations. Then she had an affair with the other woman and left me for her. Living out fantasies isn’t all its cracked up to be.

  14. 14
    Mike

    As a man who has had this fetish for about 40 years, I can tell you that the odds are against your relationship lasting. I have been with women who were ticklish but didn’t like it and those who weren’t ticklish and it’s the same common denominator- it’s a sexual desire that goes unfulfilled. You can’t fake it and pretend you are. The raw, uncontrollable reaction of laughter, struggling against it and begging is an aphrodisiac that cannot be artificially duplicated by a person who isn’t ticklish. That being said, I agree with the prior poster who said that this is not an innocent fetish. It’s very strong. In fact, there are several times while having sex that the thought of certain, purely tickling scenarios is what brings me to orgasm. Sending a tickling fetishist to fulfill this desire with other women is a lethal injection to your relationship. Though he may live you, he will realize what he’s sorely missing with you.  Pretend hes the last man  on earth, incapable if having sex with you, so to make up for it, he sends you to have sex with porn stars. Fact is, to a tickle fetishist, being ticklish, being ok with being tickled and accommodating this for the fetishist instantly makes the person exponentially attractive. It’s a crappy deal for you, but  In essence, if this man stays with you, he will have to suppress his true sexual desires  with you for life while window shopping with other women whom he can’t the. Have relations with. It won’t last.

  15. 15
    BillTheThrill

    Exactly ashley….I have had this fetish pre-adolescents. No idea why the thought of tieing a woman down and tickling her turns me on so much but it does. Instant erection. But this isn’t about me. Lana maybe you should get on the Internet and do your homework. Maybe find a bdsm club/munch near you. Go as a couple. There are paid services as well as girls whom love it so much they will do it for free. Join him in it. Who knows…you might like being a tickler. Might bring you two closer. Then again wtf do I know xD

  16. 16
    Anastasia

    You did good on this one as well Evan. As I only stick my toe in the kink, I think you covered it well. Also you listen to Dan Savage. I no longer think you are irrelevant.

    I just think maybe you should see lady writer if you are interested in polyamory or open relationships? I don’t know if that is cheating or if you are down. I think this needs good ole communication.  Most solvable problems do. I think I would die if my partner was interested in tickling. It would be an instant deal breaker. A hard limit. I  don’t know what I’m talking about so I hope I’m not offending anyone. Tickling is torture and not the feel so good it hurts way. As in I will pee on you if you continue. I think I just named off atleast 3 kinks there. I’m going to stop now.

  17. 17
    Katie

    A kink play partner is not uncommon. And sex is not assumed., btw.

    As long as they are both mature, and are able to have actual open and honest conversation, him selecting a kink partner should be very manageable.

    “All I will do is point out to you that finding another partner who is aligned with your fetish may be as hard as finding a 6’2” Jewish guy with an MBA who is home from work at 3 to pick up the kids at school.”

    And it wouldn’t be hard to pick a partner either. Fetlife is the way to go 😉 Plenty of sexual and nonsexual kinky ticklerz and ticklees there.

  18. 18
    Robbieorleans

    I can promise you he looks at tickle porn.ive been in the same situation.in love with an amazing woman.only for her to be so not into it.every 45min I had to myself,I was on tickle sites.even still, intimacy issus exist.if he really loves you,he’ll stick it out

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