What Do Men Get Out of Looking At Other Women? (And Why Do Men Cheat?)

What Do Men Get Out of Looking at Other Women? (And Why Do Men Cheat?)

Dear Evan,

What is it that men get out of looking/gazing at beautiful women, nude or otherwise?

I have read on other websites that men actually get a chemical “high” in their brain when they see an attractive woman and that is why they are so drawn to look at other women even when they are in love with another. I’m wondering, from your perspective, what you think it is. Are men sexually “turned on” when they see a beautiful woman naked and automatically fantasize about having sex with her or is it more of just plain old admiration for the beautiful female form with no arousal? And, if it is sexual arousal, does that happen only in seeing a naked woman (magazine, strip joint, porn) or does that happen when you see a beautiful clothed woman as well? I have always been very curious about this as I think it is very different for women. –Cat

Dear Cat,

Thoughtful and provocative question, and I’m going to attempt to tackle it even though I’m no therapist, historian or biologist.

First off, I want to acknowledge that everything you wrote, in my estimation, is true.

Men, regardless of relationship status, get a chemical high in seeing attractive women.

Men can appreciate the female form, either clothed or naked.

Men, regardless of relationship status, get a chemical high in seeing attractive women.

Men are aroused by images of clothed or naked women (but not as much as you’d think.)

What I’d like to add to all of those ideas is that none of that should affect your relationship…unless you make it affect your relationship.

In other words:

GOOD men, regardless of relationship status, get a chemical high in seeing attractive women.

GOOD men can appreciate the female form, either clothed or naked.

GOOD men are aroused by images of clothed or naked women (but not as much as you’d think.)

Without covering the entire landscape of debates about DNA or evolution or propagation of the species, here’s my take on the whole thing:

Men, since the beginning of time, were designed to spread their seed.

Because monogamy lowers the chances that our genes will survive, men are not, by nature, monogamous creatures. We choose monogamy because we deem that it’s more beneficial to have love, stability, and a nuclear family than to have lots of children running around with our eyes. But make no mistake, monogamy is a choice, not a natural state.

Men can watch porn, fantasize about other women, and still be great husbands and fathers.

Anyway, in my estimation, the male sex drive has nothing to do with kindness or personality or compatibility. It is entirely based on physical attraction, which we feel instantly with the release of dopamine, serotonin, and testosterone. This is why men can know if they would sleep with you in less than five seconds.

As far as what’s physically attractive? I think it’s largely based on societal reinforcement. Most men, for example, agree that symmetrical faces with small noses and certain hip to waist ratios (thin waist, wider hips) are considered attractive. Naturally, there are some men who like older women or heavier women or women with one leg. There’s a lid for every pot. Still, a lot of men still want to try on the same lid, who just happens to be 20-30 years old, have stunning features and is built like a Barbie doll. Moving along…

Next, I’d like to assert that a man’s sexual tastes and feelings of attraction don’t disappear because he is in love with another woman.

His intense feelings for his girlfriend may lessen his desires to look elsewhere for sex. But once those intense feelings of chemistry go away (as they usually do after 18 to 36 months – just long enough to conceive and raise a young child), his attraction will still spike every time he sees an attractive woman, in some form or another.

The more self-aware men understand this intellectually, and relegate those spikes of attraction to what they are – biologically programmed bursts of pleasure. We give ourselves doses of this pleasure when we’re walking on a beach, when we’re at an outdoor concert, when we’re at parties, and especially when we’re on the Internet. I’ve heard that 30% of the internet is porn, and if this is the case, it should be no surprise.

Men crave variety. This is normal. It’s all about whether he acts on this desire.

Men can admit attraction to favorite celebrities, and still be great husbands and fathers.

Men can watch porn, fantasize about other women, and still be great husbands and fathers.

Men can go to bachelor parties, go to a strip club, and still be great husbands and fathers.

I know this because I’ve done all of the above and I know I am not alone.

And since the value of my marriage is far greater than the value of sleeping with a stranger in Paris, I remain faithful, even though I’m attracted to other women everywhere I go. It would never even occur to me after 300 dates and nearly 10 years as a dating coach that there’s anyone out there who’d make me happier for the next forty years than my own wife.

That doesn’t mean in some alternate universe that I wouldn’t like to be able to have my cake and eat it, too. That’s essentially what alpha males do – get married and keep sleeping with other women. John Edwards, Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant – we can probably make a list of most politicians, athletes and rock stars.

Men would be perfectly content having missionary sex with a new woman every night.

So why do men cheat?

Because they’re perpetually attracted to new women.

Because they’re high profile, rich, ambitious men who are desirable to these women.

Because they’re so important that they don’t think the rules apply to them.

Because they travel a lot and are frequently exposed to temptation.

Because they don’t value their wives as much as the thrill.

Because they don’t rationally calculate the value of their losses. So Tiger sleeps with a waitress in a Denny’s parking lot and he loses a half billion dollars, his wife, his kids, and his golf mojo. Somehow, I don’t think he considered that with his pants around his ankles.

This is just a long, roundabout way of saying that, in general, men want variety.

I recall a study that said the exact same thing.

Men would be perfectly content having missionary sex with a new woman every night.

Women would be perfectly content with the same man forever, as long as he mixed it up in the bedroom a bit.

The results didn’t surprise me in the least.

Once again, I am not defending men. I am explaining men. Not every single man on the planet. Some men only have eyes for their wife. Some men are attracted to other men. Some men couldn’t conceive of having sex with a woman he didn’t love.

These are perfectly normal men, but they are also exceptions.

So even if we establish that men are driven by sex, it’s far from the whole story, as evidenced by the 50 million married men in the United States.

Simply put, men want love, too. Even if we still like to look elsewhere.

It’s far better to understand and accept these qualities in men than to shame them, insult them, or tell them that they’re wrong for being this way.

As long as he treats you well and doesn’t take action on his desires, you’ve got a good man whose desire for you is stronger than his real sexual impulse to be with someone else.

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Comments:

  1. 241
    Mel

    Evan,

    I appreciate your intention to be honest in your post about a sensitive issue for women. I was a little disappointed as a female reader to see some insight into the female experience of this and some empathy missing in the piece. Please forgive me if I missed it…..

    To the women,

    I know this is a sensitive issue for women and that what Evan was trying to say and other men keep saying that it is no big deal. I think they mean it and that is GOOD news for us – we should listen to them. I think there has been a misunderstanding…

    Men are biologically programmed to still be sexually aroused by and attracted to looking at other women even when they love their SO. I believe it is hard for us women to understand and accept because very feminine women are biologically programmed with instincts to bond, be sexually exclusive with a man and want to be his exclusive sexual interest. MANY MEN DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS and get impatient with their wives/gf forgetting that her INSTINCT is just as wired as his, that she will be offended by his behaviour.

    I think there is a misunderstanding….when very feminine women are sexually attracted to another male other than her partner it is NOT just physical and it is NOT fleeting. She can move into compare and contrast of partner and other male very quickly – she is biologically programmed to look for the best. This is why women become angry/hurt/withdrawn etc when her partner checks out others because for the woman with a strong feminine bonding/exclusive  instinct because she believes HE is doing what SHE would do instinctively if she was sexually attracted to and unable to not pay attention to the ‘competition’. Since men frequently ogle / glance/ look she may feel uneasy or insecure unaware that she is unconsciously assuming he is doing what she does if a male distracts her from her partner.

    So she assumes she’s not good enough to keep his attention.  A man explained it like this, he does not think ‘oh yeah I’d rather have her than my wife/gf’ but may think ‘I’d like to have a go with her AND my hot/beautiful wife/gf’. Many women CANNOT understand this because they operate in compare and contrast – him OR him instinct. In other words men like to think they can gather and women like to think they can select. 

    So think about it, if your man is saying he doesn’t care if you did the same as him AND you know men are protective / possessive of their SO then it speaks volumes that to him it is MEANINGLESS. It is not meaningless to us because we have not done what they do since pre puberty – constantly with anything pretty but we are very selective and  it means something to US if we felt that level of sexual arousal toward another male. It doesn’t mean we don’t feel sexual arousal toward another male – we do! BUT for men it stays in the pants region – a stimulation whereas for us it can travel from the body -> the mind -> the heart to -> compare / contrast. I believe this is why women freak out. Women think ‘I know he says it’s meaningless but he must be lying because I KNOW it’s not meaningless because I wouldn’t want HIM doing what my experience would be’.

    HE IS DIFFERENT TO US! To be truthful the man in your life is just having an impulse. This  is not like our experience and CANNOT be compared. Truly I would rather be a woman than a man in a relationship regarding this issue.

    ALSO,

     Our hormones make us feel crazy about this – it’s just your bonding hormones that make you upset (UNLESS he is disrespectful about it, then it’s a natural response to rudeness). Relief will come in midlife. Women’s hormones change and many many women’s bonding hormones decrease and the  bonding/love goggles come off and she questions what she has tolerated in the relationship or aspects of her SO as she is not blinded by her hormones to accept anything because of the bonding hormones. At the same time andropause hits her man and he becomes more sensitive with the decrease in testosterone (virility) and increase in estrogen from around 45 years old. If she can still tolerate him and find a friendship their relationship will continue (many women leave their husbands at this age) since his bonding to his SO increases with age he becomes quite emotionally dependent on her (think of how many men don’t cope after wife passes away or divorce).  So women, have no fear you will NOT be controlled by this insecure instinct forever AND your SO is most likely telling you the truth, to him his looking / fantasizing is meaningless (otherwise he wouldn’t say it’s fine if you did the same).

    Thanks

  2. 242
    elle

     
    There would be less misery for women all around if they just accept that men enjoy variety and sex, and that yes they are looking at hot women and imagining what it’s like with those women.  Fact of life.  Get over it.  It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.  For me, the only issue I have is I refuse to be disrespected by his wandering eyes in public.  A glance or two, whatever but consistent neck craning and worse watching her come and turning his body around to watch her go, completely unacceptable and I might add, something he is capable of controlling.  There’s a clear line between a glance and a leer.  Leering he can do on his own time, not mine.  When I finally put my foot down and left him embarrassed in a public place is when he stopped disrespecting me.
     

  3. 243
    Manuela

    Looking at other people has nothing to do with cheating – in my eyes, this is about control freaks and need for attention. 
    I agree that my boyfriend still is a good man, lover, boyfriend ( … ),  also if he looks at other women or consumes pictures with naked women on it,  let’s say, keeping his eyes open, whatever you wanna call it. But why wouldn’t he? There are so many beautiful things out there, and one of them happens to be people. If I see a nice mountain, I wanna stand on top of it – just me, alone – and this isn’t cheating either, right? 
    Yes, sex might be a more intimate thing I want to share with only few people, but most of all, its MY sexuality, and my boyfriend has HIS own. Us sharing this happily makes our relationship even better, but doesn’t give me the right to control whether what he’s into or not, and this goes for both ways. 
    What I’m not ok with in this article, is this tone of “women are passive”. Yes of course there are studies where men being proved to be more needy for change in their sex-life, as they used to spread their seed etc – because society wants to publish this kind of studies.
    Society is built on this kind of “knowledge” about gender roles and behaviors – look at all this stereotypes in movies and TV-soaps, don’t even get me starting about the weird world of advertising. 
    Changing your own role always is uncomfortable, no matter male or female, so both rather stick with what they know and try do deal with it and try to blame the others for uncomfortable situations.
    Well I’m not ok with that, and I refuse to play this game.
    Both, men and women have sexual needs, both of them have needs for comfort and love.
    I’m tired of hearing this sentences like “That’s what boys do, thats what girls do.” Yes, my boyfriend checks out other girls, so what? I look at other men, too, why wouldn’t I?
    At the end of the day, me and my boyfriend will still end up in the same bed, making love to each other, because we’re happy to live in this beautiful world with beautiful people, plus having found this beautiful person we’re sharing adventures with. 
     
    Both of us looking at other beautiful people doesn’t make my boyfriend less attractive, nor does it make me look ugly.  If some random attractive person would make me change my mind about my relationship, then probably the relationship wasn’t worth it anyway.  

    You go girls and check out how many attractive people are out there – it would be a waste not to look at this. Looking at beautiful things makes people happy. And if your partner is not ok with it, but still takes his right out to keep his eyes open himself, then he’s not jealous or being “a real man with his natural desires”, but an egoistic idiot, that doesn’t deserve you anyway. 

    1. 243.1
      RacheL

      agreed!! look at the woman in the photo, her shape is wondeful, i’m staring too! life is too short to be alwaes upset about itty bitty things, men and women should not be angry if the partner looks casually at others! just dont be rude about it ;)

  4. 244
    Dude

    I will make this very simple, it is all about animal instincts. Men are genetically programmed to have sex with every woman they find attractive, so they look and fantasize. Why? Because society constraints prevent them from doing anything else unless, of course, they are single. Also, some men do this even if they are single because society has slapped them with bad self-esteem. They believe they are not worthy of the females they desire or they lack the ability to act upon those desires and thus cannot make contact with females. So, those men just stair and hope their gazes goes noticed and the response of the female they gaze upon is that of lust and desire for the man staring to the point that, they hope, she makes the first move. Really, for those guys that is the only hope they have unless another person, a friend, helps them out. As you might have guessed these men are recessive in nature the omegas, but they are also the men most likely to stay loyal to a female once they finally  get one. 

    Women are genetically programmed to have babies and be mothers. Their sex drive is not about feeling pleasure, but rather about having a child. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rules, but most sexual experimentation in females happens early in life, and once she gets past that stage she is all gun hoe to be mom. Society says it is her right to be mom, and that the man who makes her mom needs to be dad, the provider. And if he is not man enough, translation a good provider, then she must do whatever it takes to find one that is to take care of her and her child. Also, in a male dominated ape society females can only gain status or dominance through the male they are with or having sex with. Women often dress sexy not for men, but to show dominance over other females. They also parade their captured man around, so other females see him, thus establishing their dominance based on the man captured. 

    So, what is the problem? Men are not monogamous, meaning they need many female sex partners. Women are only monogamous if the man they have makes them dominant, but are always looking to upgrade. 

    What needs to change? Societies demands. Men and women need to be free to have sex without monogamy. A men will always come back to his dominate female and he wants to only have children with her, but he also needs other females. Women are most happy when they take care of themselves and/or are part of a community of females all working as one family. This is the natural order of the wild human and one humankind is always trying to get back to.  Kill monogamy and the expectations of monogamy and all are happy. 

    1. 244.1
      elle

       
      If you kill monogamy, the majority of men will lose out and the alpha men will have the majority of the females.  That’s how it works in polygamous societies and in the animal kingdom.  All that will happen is an unstable society with men fighting over women.  I know there have also been studies of modern polygamous societies and guess what?  The dominant men with all the resources are hogging the women and the women under such arrangements compete for the resources and the children of the vanquished get the bad end of the stick.  It’s a nightmare and not at all the sweet p** train so many men imagine it will be. 
       
      Nobody is forced into a monogamous arrangement.  Everyone is free to remain single and play the field or have a polyamorous arrangement if they so choose.  So crush the oppressive monogamy is ridiculous.  It’s not some repressive female regime.  Men came up with it in fact, because men created the religious institutions that enforce it.  As for women’s sexuality being geared not toward pleasure that’s funny.  Every clitoris is laughing really hard at you now.  There’s a reason that in the third world female genital mutilation is the norm. 
       
      The simple fact is yes, men are lust driven creatures whose sexuality is geared toward pleasure and perpetuating the species.  They are visually driven because women are fertile while they are young and youth and fertility are judged by visual cues, hence, men are visual and constantly looking for mating opportunities.  Women are looking to keep her man faithful to her so his wandering eyes are rightfully accessed as a threat.  Where the eyes and mind wander so can the schmeckle, particularly if the woman your man is staring at is also attracted to him. 
       
      If a man is leering and looking excessively, a woman has every right to be concerned and insulted.  A casual look at another woman is understandable, a guy has eyes.  My husband is looking all day long at women.  If it’s not blatant and lingering or consistent rubbernecking at everything with a vagina, I let it slide.  Now to tell a woman who has a husband/boyfriend/sig other that is blatantly rubber necking and leering that she is the one that has the problem or that “boys will be boys” is flat out wrong.  He has the problem. 
       
      He is being completely disrespectful and is obviously looking for a reaction from the females he’s staring at.  Clearly he is either not into the woman’s he’s with at all and is looking for a way out of the relationship, for a fling; OR he is immature, completely sex starved, and/or a sex addict pervert of the highest order that he can’t control himself.
       

      1. 244.1.1
        Garret

        If you kill monogamy, the majority of men will lose out and the alpha men will have the majority of the females. That’s how it works in polygamous societies and in the animal kingdom. All that will happen is an unstable society with men fighting over women.

        We are practically there as it is. That’s evident by many different things, and the Cougar Epidemic is one of them. Monogamy is all but dead. We are in a sort of transitional stage where monogamy is having it’s last gasp. What you have now is not really monogamy. It’s “I’ll be monogamous with you for now, and then I will leave you, go through a combination of slut phases and dry spells, and then find another person to be monogamous with, for a while.” Very very few people are truly monogamous these days. I think that most who are monogamous are only monogamous due to lack of opportunity.

        And as it is right now, the top 20% of males are having sex with easily the top 50% of the females. I do know guys who get a kick out of knowing that they’ve slept with so many women who are now other mens wives. Sort of a “I had her first.” mentality. These same guys may more may not turn down an opportunity for a swinger encounter. I’ve known men who flat out weren’t interested, and those who would not pass up the opportunity but it isn’t their preference. Both have something in common. They both prefer to get a woman to step out on her husband without him knowing or consenting. Getting over on the other guy is what gives them the thrill. And these guys are not a rare, small group. Ironically, many women are in-line with their thinking. I know a few women whose husbands gave them permission to cheat, but the husbands wanted it to be above board. All of the women did cheat, but did not tell the husband. The reason? The thrill was doing it behind his back. That was eye opening to me that just like men, some women cheat out of anger at the spouse…usually because in some way, the souse is not living up to the expectations of other spouse. This is not the same as but similar to revenge cheating, which is done to retaliate at a cheating spouse.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          “Monogamy is all but dead.”

          There are 120 million married people in the U.S., Garret. Forgive me if the last gasp of monogamy persists long after we’re both gone.

        2. RacheL

          “forgive me if the last gasp of monogamy persist long after we’re both gone” ahaha! ^^
          Garret, you gotta stop mixing with wierdo sociopaths, they are messing with your mind. most arent like that. really they are sociopaths, twisted people.
           

    2. 244.2
      Jenn

      I find it very interesting that whenever a guy talks about “killing monogamy” so that everyone can have sex freely, there tends to be a very specific focus on allowing him to boff as many women as he pleases. Hmm…so men can be as promiscuous as they please, and bed down with as many women as they choose, but those women he beds should only want him? I call BS on that.

  5. 245
    Kristina

    Thank you ladies, I’m 38, never been married, have been travelling the world the last ten years and wondering if I was missing out. Had I given the last 15 of my so-called “best” years, only to be put aside for a younger “hotter” woman then perhaps I’d feel suicidal right now.
    The good news is that if you’re healthy you can start over. Dump him, and take off, your life is worth it. We don’t know if there is another life, and this one is too precious to spend chasing fake dreams and playing a role where we are supposedly monogamous by “nature”. That’s not it.
    Due to our “cultural” upbringing our self esteem has been held down. We want him to stick with us because we’re too afraid of not being able to do better. I know better. “Better” is being able to be by yourself and liking your own company, the sight of your own skin. “Better” is getting up in the morning knowing what to do that day that will make you happy. “Better” is knowing in your heart that you’re not wasting another minute of your life chasing fairytales. Live in reality and demand “better” for yourself, but understand that the love starts with YOU.

  6. 246
    vran

    you may be short, you may be fat, you may have freckles, you may have a stutter, you may slouch, you may laugh high pitched, you may have an immature sense of humor, you may like only bland foods, you may hate exercise, you may be lazy…you may have a lot of things that other people find annoying and hate about you, but its not your problem, it’s their inability to accept you the way you are. as long as they are not beating you or breaking your things you can’t say they are MAKING you mad, only you can make your self emotionally upset because you govern your own emotions and either allow or not allow others to affect your inner balance. a person who enjoys the sight of the healthy female body is not making you mad, you are making yourself mad with your inability to manage your emotions with whatever preconceived notions you have attached to the act of your mans appreciation of a healthy physical female shape. like Chris flaker said, women objectify themselves men simply admire the presentation. your man does not see you as an object, so why are you jealous of those he does? what have meaning have you fabricated in your mind to set yourself off? you have programed yourself to be hurt by this action every time it occurs by giving it your own meaning. its obviously not universal, by the posts here alone you can see that much. if not every man or woman attaches the same  response its because they don’t have pre-constructed meanings attached to their partners actions that cause offense. if your husband is bald are you angry at him for it? some people are. for the same reason some are angry with their husbands for being bald or short is the same reason women are upset with their men for enjoying the physical presentation of the female shapes. Its internally defined to mean this or that based from your own personal point of view. you don’t know what he’s thinking nor do you know the significance of the act for him. you did not agree in your vows that he would no longer be able to look at other women. if you made that agreement he would not have married you. there are many beautiful people in this world, he only promised his love his penis and his wallet to you, not his eye balls. that’s ridiculous. no man for no woman would agree to that, nor should any woman. Now if that man wants to be with other people, that’s a problem. never have I craved to have sex with another person, I have been motivated by natural sight, but never desired specifically any other person. to me that’s gross and depraved. only you can make you mad.

  7. 247
    Kathryn

    @Evan- I didn’t bother to see when this article was posted, but the reason that I searched for it was because I can relate to a lot of these women’s hurt feelings over their men making them feel so utterly unimportant and well, downright unattractive. Sometimes men can be very careless, negligent to the relationship, and highly offensive in nature. Again, I said sometimes, not always. I agree with most of your article because I have been in wonderful relationships where I was treated better then most women could ever hope to be by a man, but I have also been in relationships where I find myself just trying to figure this man I am with out. Sometimes a woman can appreciate a man for who he is, realize that he loves her with all of his heart, see the beauty and kindness in him, but still be hurt by his wanting to look at every attractive thing in his view range. Especially if he is lying about it. You know, even if you’re the most self assured woman on God’s green earth, I KNOW that someone you love so much and who claims to love you equally doing this causes doubt in the relationship and with yourself to some degree. To me it isn’t logical that it wouldn’t. You can accept a man perfectly fine for who he is, but I simply don’t think that accepting that a man is wired a certain way goes hand in hand with accepting hurtful behavior. Yes, men are going to look at other attractive women to a point, and you know what? Fine. So long as they aren’t doing it frequently, leering, forgetting to nurture their relationship, aren’t neglecting to remind their wives of their importance, and they aren’t letting it seep into their thoughts and turn into fantasies of these women instead of fantasizing about their wives, I see no harm in this. As a Christian woman, I just cannot fathom the notion of certain things that some men do as ever being “acceptable”.
     
     
     
    “Men can watch porn, fantasize about other women, and still be great husbands and fathers.

    Men can go to bachelor parties, go to a strip club, and still be great husbands and fathers.”
     
    Perhaps it is true that a man can do these things and still be a great father, but to do these things and still be considered a great husband? That’s arguable. From my standpoint, it’s garbage. God didn’t create the institute of marriage to be soiled by the trash that has become a societal norm today. As a matter of fact, in biblical times if a husband were to cheat on his wife (and this includes lusting after them in their thoughts) or a wife were to cheat on her husband, they were not only allowed, but expected to kill whomever the adulterer was. It’s plain and simple disrespect. And men fall back on the excuse that it’s some primal urge like they are Neanderthals with no greater knowledge to control themselves. I’m sorry, but it is possible. And for this woman, it is expected. My opinion is this: If you are denying the fact that pornography IS a form of cheating, and that more people then not will tell you that they have been unfaithful at some point in their relationship (past or present) if you were willing to conduct your own little study amongst the people that you are acquainted with, and that there is nothing wrong with devaluing your relationship by indulging in sinful activities, and that maybe it took you so long to find a partner that you felt you could really be “happy” with because you needed a woman who was okay with your inability to fully commit (which is what pornography watching and strip club rendezvous’ essentially are), then you are denying your underlying guilt and what your conscience knows is wrong. It’s much easier to tell yourself that it’s simply in your nature to need “variety” and that it’s perfectly normal. It’s easier to justify what you do based off of the rest of the world’s actions and behavior then to have to be accountable for your own actions and succumb to said guilt that you undoubtedly feel. And if you don’t feel guilty about your behavior, well, that’s a whole other scenario for God to address. You men stereotype yourselves with this “can’t control it, gotta have it” false reality that you embrace, just remember that. All I see in a man, or woman, like that is no sense of self government, no enlightened thought process, no spiritual dictation and weakness.
     

  8. 248
    Me

    Kathryn,

    I agree with you  on your second point. It’s Evan’s opinion that he can still be a great husband while doing all that and should be stated as his opinion rather than fact since it’s so subjective. I doubt he shares your religious convictions so is entitled to what rules he and his wife choose to live by which appears to be a sort of hunter gatherer primitive philosophy around variety etc as depicted in his example. As I said I agree with your philosophy about marital boundaries around strippers etc and many other men do too so I’d just take it as his and other like minded males opinions which won’t be changed due the the framework they emerge from.

  9. 249
    Joe

    beautifully said

  10. 250
    susan

    Ah there’s the rub…it’s normal as long as they don’t end up acting on it.  Having just ended a LTR with someone who had ‘crushes’ that I tolerated as simply part of the male psyche, but who finally couldn’t resist the thrill of the new over the security (and I beleive happiness) of the known, I would say this:
    yes, it’s normal for men – and women probably – to be attracted to other people. It’s absolutely what they do with that. And it seems that people with the psyche of the thrillseeker/the yet to grow up/the fear of aloneness -all of which seem to go together – sometimes the temptation is just too strong.
    In time I will know I’ve had a lucky escape – and I also think this is the first time in my 46 years that I have been cheated on – but right now, it has left me with a very very bad taste. And if it’s true that it’s all about how a man ”feels” when he is with someone, then for the thrill seeker, the steady girlfriend will never stand a chance against the frission of danger and pull of the unknown and risky. 

  11. 251
    Raquel

    I think this article raises some very telling truths however it also is one great big excuse. I am sorry but men think that women wouldn’t like variety? Are you kidding me? Penises are all different shapes and sizes and when a man is first allowed to get his hands on you all he wants to do is impress you with his skills (lots of forplay) so that is a cop out saying that men would be perfectly happy sleeping with a new girl every night for the rest of their life and women the same man who switches it up for ever. JUST LIKE YOU SAID….. Monogamy is a choice for both men and women but sometimes I would argue that women are more disciplined, long term thinkers, and have a greater regard for others and more self control. To consider others attractive is natural, to ogle and lust after other women is a sin to me. In my mind if you are watching porn for the Act itself to get aroused I see nothing wrong with that, but if you are looking up specific persons (celebrities) it is just as bad as having a woman you know send you naked photos. If you go to a strip club and get a lap dance, you’re having another woman grind on you and are cheating on your wife/girlfriend… Her getting paid to do it does not change the act itself. How many fucking times are men going to pull the “its in our nature, Cavemen” mentality? Seriously. Men were the ones who actually started much of monogamy. There were fewer partners and not always enough male.female ratio for everyone. Much like the lion will kill the offspring of other males and mate with the female, male humans coaxed monogamy in order to ensure they would have offspring and that they would be cared for. Females in history have been crafters, creators, homemakers (literal) and this was appealing to males who still to this day die earlier if single widows than do single widowed women. Biologically women are also prone to desire children with multiple people. The desire if to see your genes with different characteristics that you find favourable that had much to do with survival and gene health promotion. I think much of what occurs is that all over social media males and TOLD that they should desire multiple women, women are portrayed as lust objects for the amusement of males causing sinful lusting every day multiple times a day. Sex sells/ especially female sexuality. On TV women are objectified, on the radio we hear women singing about objectifying themselves and males objectifying women, on streaming sites its always women looking to meet up for discreet encounters once again teaching men to lust after others even when he’s just trying to be good and true to his union. there are messages EVERYWHERE telling men that they are nothing but cavemen men to objectify, lust, and fuck a multitude of people. If you respect your body, if you respect your mind, if you respect your partner, is you respect modesty and know your sexuality and who you are the depths of your character and especially if you are educated than you do the right thing, and the caveman mentality is simply that. Outdated, non-applicable to todays humans and it’s what the toxic sexually explicit social media tells you so you don’t get suspicious. If you don’t believe me than take a look at the innuendoes in DISNEY movies. SEX written in lion king, penises and other things in the little mermaid. These messages are shot into your brain on a daily bases from very young ages to have you act in these ways. Sex is the most significant thing in this world, so they use it to sell things and make billions of dollars, thats why they are willing to spend millions on it. The fact that 30% of the internet is porn says a lot. It’s sad because too often men are objected to wayyy too much temptation and women are objected to either being objects or having to sit with their men and see this notion to lust for other women in their faces on a hourly bases. If it were the other way around and men were sex objects all over the tv, the radio, the internet on every site and on our bedroom walls, women would be the ones perpetuating this lustful notion. 

    It is very difficult for a woman to deal with these frustrations on a daily basis even when she has a man with the heart of gold who still fucks up now and then and brakes promises. Maybe before you do these things ask yourself what if it were the other way around. Thanks 

  12. 252
    cj

    what a crock of shit if I ever heard…admit it….It makes me fell like nothing, why am I sitting here,,,,,why am I here with this man,,, I am just nothing,,,and all the women are just his for the taking,,, something very wrong with it,,it is not ok, it is not natural, God made men visual, yes, but to find your own mate, not to mate with everything else, I believe it is such an insecurity on ther part,, ego, and degrading women, never happy with what you have, always looking, eyeballing. comenting, acting like a dog, admit it a dog is a dog….elsewhere, never satisfied, ruins peoples lives and relationships…

  13. 253
    Rachel

    There’s a difference between admiring other women and lusting and wishing one could have axe with them ( it have their cake and eat it too as Evan says) I think that if this is how men are fine! TheN so be it but maybe men also need to understand that just as men may have a natural instinct to behave that way many women have a natural instinct to need a partner who does not lust after other women and therein lies the issue 
    Particularly as it seems soooo many men do aeem to desire that sane lid as Evan points out ( the 20-30 impossibly perfect woman) so as women we give up our perfect bodies and have their babies and how are we rewarded for being their wives and the mothers of their children? By th
    continuing to deaire the pre baby bodies that we have up to make a family with THEM!!!!by them eternally chassing the youthful and dismissing the attributes of their qives as lesser because they are aging 
    wow! And men are wondering why so many divorces are being initiated by women nowadays and why a toy boy looks lIke and a option rather than continuing tryin to pry our husbands eyes off porn and women twent years our and their junior !!! 

  14. 254
    vanny

    So to accept men behave this way so long as theyre a good husband. If my husband looks at nudes, which he does does that mean i can post nudes and still remain a good wife? Why do i have to accept him looking at other womens nudes but cant do what he looks at? 

    1. 254.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I don’t know what “post nudes” means, but if you’re “posting nudes” because it fulfills some fantasy then it’s fine. If you’re doing it explicitly to hurt your husband, you’ve got your motivation wrong.

  15. 255
    Chris

    I am a woman and I am visibly attracted to men.  I love variety, I like to see men who take care care of themselves and are physically fit.  I have never known a woman who feels different.  If your heterosexual partner, man or woman, acts as thou or tells you that they don’t look at or they do not get stimulated by looking at the opposite sex, they are not being honest.  It’s not disrespectful unless they do something such as acting on their attraction by making rude comments.

    Be positive, love yourself, take care of your own appearance and know that you are a catch.  If you you don’t see yourself and hold yourself to be a beautiful person then no one else will.  When I say “beautiful”, I mean physically, spiritually and emotionally. 

  16. 256
    roja

    I agree with “vanny” (post 254), most men I know think it’s okay to ogle, stare at, fantasize about other naked women but do NOT want their own woman being the object of other men’s fantasies. That seems very hypocritical. Men would NEVER be okay with their wife/gf stripping or doing porn, but it’s okay for them to go to strip joints & watch other women strip. Makes no sense. This is all just basic differences between men & women & will never change.   Men objectify women & have been raised to think it’s natural & normal & okay to do. That will never change.  And women will never change in how this affects them. Like EMK always says, either get over it or be single.  Men can never be satisfied with one woman, even if they love her.  They need/want sexual variety & fantasies.  Women do also but don’t seek it out as much as far as watching porn/strippers/men on the street etc.  It’s all about learning to settle. Settle for a man (all men) that will continually seek out visual stimulation by other women & you will be fine.  lol

  17. 257
    Mel

    I’ve read around this site a bit now. i’d caution women to really critically think through much of the advice given on here generally. I’m careful who I take advice from and have noticed some strong narcissistic traits from this site. one of the most evident is when a person professes to be an alpha male. Alpha males don’t do that, ability to date many women doesn’t make a male an alpha just someone who has learned what to do. Alpha status is conferred by males to males (ie. Through sport, politics, war etc). Please ladies just think about this a little and sift through the advice carefully remembering where it’s come from. Cheers.

    1. 257.1
      Mark2012

      Yes and no. Yes, men can be Alpha when it comes to politics, war, sports, and other endeavors, including business and the boardroom. However, being alpha is not bestowed on you by other men. It has to do with your personality. Do lead, or do you follow. Most men would claim to be alpha if asked. It would be very hard for any man to admit to being more comfortable as a follower. I watched a documentary once where they interviewed several guys, and of course all of them claimed to be alpha, and most even knew how an alpha would act, but most did not act alpha, or did so until somebody more alpha stepped into the picture. It was interesting watching them being put into different situations and how most would actually fall right into the beta role, probably without even knowing that they were doing so. Some would act alpha until somebody more alpha moved into the picture, and then they subconsciously relinquished the lead to the other person. Some you could even see were totally aware it was happening but they didn’t know how to counter, so while they were grinding their gears, trying to figure out how to counter, they fell to the side as that more alpha guy took over. In short, you have it or you don’t, and you can’t really fake it. Even those guys learning usually fall flat on their faces because they are simply not alpha. It is not their natural state so at some point, that will be sussed out.
      But, what is the downside of being alpha? I am willing to bet it is a shorter life due to stress. It is stressful being on top, because it is one thing knowing how to be alpha, or even being alpha by nature, and putting that into practice. A good example is that reality dating show “The Bachelorette.” It can be fun to watch just as a social experiment, because the guys have to play a constant battle of wits as they play king of the hill with each other. Nobody wants to be seen as the weak type because it is assumed that the girl won’t pick you if you are. Well in a way, that is every day life for an alpha, because others with the alpha in their personality are always going to be taking a shot at the title. Being a true alpha can also be lonely. How is an alpha going to talk about his problems with the bet friends he has? He’s not. While most men have a difficult time talking about their problems, it is even more difficult for an alpha. Leaders don’t take their problems to their lessors. So most alphas have no outlet, no emotional support network, to lean on.

  18. 258
    Mel

    I understand where you’re coming from Mark. I agree that men don’t bestow alpha ways onto another male. What I meant was that it is within the male environment that an alpha male is recognised for his attributes, it’s through other males acknowledging them that the man’s identity as alpha is formed NOT by a blog writer calling himself one Or acting in an over confident (aka narcissistic) way or describing himself as one.  No, it can only be seen in relation to other men. I know this because I am close to one and can see other male’s responses to him. His comment about this article was ‘what is this?’ He’s not rude or disrespectful but couldn’t see any point in it, a kind of ‘it’ll be what it’ll be’ attitude and he couldn’t relate to what Evan was saying, that it was rude or something trying to sound in control.  On reflection I just thought it would be good to encourage women to read with a critical mind and know the difference between quiet confidence and ego. I’m truly not saying this to be disrespectful but just think women should be critical thinkers when seeking advice. An alpha male would not describe himself as an alpha male, he simply is – labelling oneself one is something else and women may benefit by seeing the difference. That’s all I was trying to say.

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