When You Should Know That A Man is Serious About You
You’ve had a spectacular first date and you knew instantly that this guy could be “the one”.
It wasn’t just the way he looked. It was the way he listened.
The way he walked and smelled and smiled.
The way the whole night flew by with effortless conversation.
Then again, it could have been the physical chemistry, which was off the charts, leaving you in breathless anticipation of your next date.
It’s not like you’re crazy or anything. You just know what you want.
You want HIM.
And then he calls and makes plans another time.
Uh oh. You’ve just had your first hit of the hormone we call oxytocin.
You have a second date that’s as good as the first, and, giving into the moment, you go home with him and come pretty darned close to sleeping with him.
The next morning, you have no regrets. In fact, you’ve never been so sure of something in your entire life. This FEELS GOOD.
He calls again three days later to set up your third date for the following weekend.
You wonder why he waited three days, but you say yes, anyway.
He doesn’t call you for the next five days before your date.
You start to despair, but you know you’re going to be seeing him on Saturday night.
He’s cooking for you. At his place. All you have to do is bring the wine.
You bring two bottles.
You barely remember the meal, which is just a prelude to what comes after.
You come after. Three times.
And now you’re hooked.
Uh oh. You’ve just had your first hit of the hormone we call oxytocin.
And since it’s got a hold on you, it’s really hard to think straight.
All you can do is obsess how you want more of the drug.
But where is your dealer?
You haven’t heard from him for a few days. You’d think that after your big night, he would follow up to say that he had fun and he wants to see you right away.
He hasn’t. And he won’t.
Because he doesn’t want to see you right away.
He wants to see you when he wants to see you… every other week.
He wants to call you when he wants to call you… never. It seems he prefers texting.
The man who will be your boyfriend OFFERS to take down his profile and become exclusive.
Still, you ignore the fact that he makes no effort to commit because of the powerful effects of the drug. Months go by where you hear from him sporadically. And while you know this isn’t a healthy relationship, you still put up with it.
As a result, you never get the relationship you desire.
Did I just describe your last relationship? The one before that, perhaps?
If the above scenario sounds all too familiar, do yourself a favor, and tattoo this on your wrist:
The man who will be your boyfriend IS enthusiastic about you. The man who will be your boyfriend WILL call you all the time. The man who will be your boyfriend OFFERS to take down his profile and become exclusive.
And when you’re around a man like that, there is nothing to think about. No games to play. No need to worry about what he’s thinking. No questions about where this is going.
When you’re with your boyfriend, everything should be crystal clear.
And if it’s NOT crystal clear within, say, 2 months or so, you’re probably not with your boyfriend. That’s enough time for him to figure out if he wants to give your relationship a shot.
If you’re in that limbo phase with a guy who gives you that irrational oxytocin high and you just can’t let go, despite the overwhelming evidence that this is doomed, do yourself a favor and call him right now.
Make it short. Make it sweet. Make it simple.
“It’s been great getting to know you these past few months, but I’m looking for a boyfriend, not a once-a-week booty call. So I’m calling this off and want to wish you all the best in finding the woman of your dreams. I’m going to find my man. Please, lose my number.”
If he begs for you, he might be your boyfriend.
If he lets you go, congratulations. You’re free to find the man who treats you the way you deserve — with enthusiasm, consistency, and kindness.
And now that you’ve purged yourself of the man who will never be your husband, you need to jump start your love life from scratch.
Check out Finding the One Online right now and see how it can attract the right man into YOUR life.
Bingo! Thanks Evan!!!
Evan,
BEST advice EVER! It’s so easy to get caught up in the emotional high of that elusive connection with a man because the time you DO spend together seems so amazing, at least to you. You find every possible way to justify the fact that you’ve been checking your phone incessantly for possible missed texts or calls. This should be the first red flag because you’re absolutely right – you won’t have to do that with a man who is into you; he will make sure you know that he is!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for always finding a new way to relate and solve the agony that results from the ambiguity of dating a man who is just not that into you!
Ugh. I’ve dated this one. She spent more time with her parents than she did with me over the course of our one year relationship and they live out of state! Even talked to them everyday on the phone every single day, but not me. I’m so glad I’m out of that dysfunction and free to find someone who is emotionally available. Don’t waste your time with these people. Someone who values you will make the time to nurture you and your relationship.
I relate with your comment. I call my parents everyday and had a awfull “something” with “someone” who acted just like the guy on the story. He never had time for me, “, we only talked on the weekend and he always called me his “friend”. Giving that escenario, I got really dissapointed and the thing just ended,
I just wanted to say that being close to your parents does not mean that you are not willing to invest in a relationship, In fact, both parties must show interest.
Oh dear! This brings back painful memories of my descent into Oxcytocin withdrawal Hell! It took me 4 yrs and a 12 step program to finally walk away from that drug. You’re right Evan, it is a drug, and the guy was my dealer for sure!
Some men are better at delivering this than others. I was totally blindsided, and I’m in my 40’s!
Never again, it’s not worth it!
Huhm, that may be wrong conclusion. How about a ‘dealer’ who adores you and spends massive amounts of time with you? Best of all worlds. don’t give up on the ‘drug’ – it’s the way our bodies are design. Give up on the ‘dealer’ that won’t be your partner.
Oh, so oxytocin is the “chemistry” that women are constantly seeking!
While I don’t sleep with men right away or make myself too available, I’ve had plenty of experiences with men who don’t step up to be my bf and keep me at arms length. And I’ve just never had the balls to do Evan’s goodbye speech – I may continue accepting dates with other men, but never cut the other guy off either. But the more insight I get from my male friends, and the more I read this blog, the more I’m coming to understand that the most powerful thing a woman can do is say no. In a sweet but firm, maybe even humorous way, put men in their place for going a week without calling, setting boundaries about sex, not jumping through their hoops. The problem is that so many of us are conditioned to just not say anything, to always say yes, and the guy assumes its appropriate behavior and we’re cool with it, or that we lack the self esteem to assert ourselves for the relationship we want.
Evan, what about when you meet a guy, and wait 2 or 3 months to sleep with him, doesn’t the effect of oxcytocin still some into play? And just because you wait, the guy won’t necessarily stick around at that point anyway. There are no guarantees of anything. Also, I’ve read that men are not immune to the effects of oxcytocin either. Your advice in this entry is sound, but sooner or later, people sleep together, right? So how is a woman (or a guy) going to protect themselves from the effects of this “drug” ?
Jane, if you wait until a man chooses to be exclusive with you before you have sex, you’re far less likely to sleep with him and then worry about whether he’s going to call you again.
You don’t mute your own oxytocin; you manage your risk by only sleeping with commitment-oriented men.
I don’t normally agree with you, however I do agree here. No sex until a commitment has been made. If he leaves…you saved yourself heartache.
Unfortunately, this is true. They can even lie and tell you they love you when they actually don’t. It amazes me that some people think nothing of messing with your head! Nothing! It’s not fair, but I guess that IF, in fact, I ever meet the right one, it’s because of these jerks that I’ll actually appreciate him more and realize what I have.
Jane, this is the risk you have to take, there are no guarantees. The situation i describe above, was w/ a man who waited 3 months for me to feel ready to have sex with him. He called every day, said he was looking for a long term relationship, and was very into me. I was hooked on the delicious physical chemistry we shared (even before sex), regardless of compatibility etc. I now know what the flags are, and will walk away next time, if I feel hooked and it’s not the right guy. I call it withdrawal because it is!… and it’s a fact of life, for me at least.
“Please lose my number.” Love it!! I’m going to use that. Thanks, Evan. 🙂
Jane asked: (#7)
“what about when you meet a guy, and wait 2 or 3 months to sleep with him, doesn’t the effect of oxcytocin still some into play?”
You still might get attached to the boyfriend who lasts 4-5 months, but you avoid getting attached to the boyfriend who lasts 2-3 weeks. (I had a lot of relationships that only lasted a few dates. I have far fewer that lasted a few months or more.)
Jane said: (#7)
“And just because you wait, the guy won’t necessarily stick around at that point anyway.”
That’s true. You’re not increasing his odds of sticking around. You’re decreasing that chances that you’ve had sex with him before he bails.
Jane asked: (#7)
“So how is a woman (or a guy) going to protect themselves from the effects of this ‘drug’?”
You don’t protect yourself from feeling the chemical high. You develop the ability to recognize it for what it is, and make your decisions accordingly.
Instead of ignoring noncommittal behavior because you’re infatuated with a man, you protect yourself by ignoring the infatuation and dumping him because he’s noncommittal.
these are good answers Karl!
Jane, guys will always want to have sex at some point. This is normal. Waiting doesn’t equate to staying. Some guys will not wait and just leave right away and thank them for doing so because they didnt need to waste much of your time to reveal their true intentions. However, there are some who can wait even if they are not really into you. These are the types that wait to earn your trust or stay because they’re challenged but then leave after they what they want. Some people are good at deceiving so you really need to be careful. Best advice I could give is DO IT ONLY WHEN YOU ARE READY. Ready meaning if he leaves or not, you will not regret that you had sex with him. If you know that if you will sleep with someone and later on regret if that person leaves, then you better be firm with your decision to not sleep with that person
Alas! This is the advice I needed when I was wasting my time in my twenties with a man who treated me the EXACT same way as described above. Now that I am actually in a loving, healthy, strong relationship, the same guy wants to date me again. I told him to “bug off”. Wish I had thought of “lose my number”. That line is classic. What is so wild to me is that this guy ACTUALLY believes that eleven years later, I am still interested in him. I blocked him on Facebook, so he would stop harassing me there. I changed my phone number, so he would stop calling me. At any rate, please get out now! It will not get any better. Trust me.
Well, who does this guy ever end up committing to ?
Also- @Dria- does the guy who’s after you want a real relationship or the same every two weeks situation ?
Trying to be in a committed relationship with a non-committal guy is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree. Or teaching a pig to sing. Or herding cats. Any of those analogies will work.
@15 LOL . I had a recent assignment at work that outsiders called herding cats, and I pulled it off (though I do sport some very smart looking claw marks.) So I respectfully disagree with the applicability of your last analogy.
Or projects we have we call ‘herding cats – that are rabid and want to kill you’. Congrats on a project well done!
@Mia. Absolutely right. I wish I had learned this lesson when I was much younger but I did lack the self esteem to say “no” then the guy I wanted was treating me badly or behaving in the way Evan describes. I do believe I finally have had enough and after almost 4 years of celibacy due to the last major “oxytocin” binge I had with the man who threw me away, I know for a fact if I had said “no” he would have been the one begging me for more. I still work with this man today (ugh, don’t ask) and I still struggle with the “what ifs”…if only I had been more of a femme fatale, or at least a female who stood up for herself, and said “no”. Certainly now I am unattainable but it’s too late, I am no longer that shiny new penny. Someday I will disappear, poof – and I guarantee he will try to find me. Lately I feel the acute pain of loneliness and occasionally succumb to feelings of hopelessness but I just can’t imagine, at 51, that I am DONE.
One does get to a point in life where the extreme highs and lows are just not that appealing and the idea of comfort and security and a sense of well being, safety, belongingness are enticing. I do think I have finally arrived and I feel ready for the man I will partner with, who will provide that soft place to land…
David T., HaHa. How did you herd cats? What were they trying to prove at your workplace?
The best analogy I like is “nailing jello to a tree”. If you feel like you have to force anything, don’t do it. It is not worth it. For people who belong together, getting together should be effortless.
Evan, how do you find someone who does want a committed relationship?
Thanks for that blog! Great advice Evan. I visit your blog everyday to read.
When a guy is truly into you he will let you know.
For all the other time wasting guys they will tell you any excuse to hold off being in a relationship with you.
Also advice to woman: don’t sleep with a guy until he is your bf!! That way you get a commitment before you get that oxytocin effect.
Aww Tee. You are likely going to have to sleep with many guys before you find one willing to commit…
You shouldn’t sleep with any until you find one that will commit, then sleep with him and him only.
Susan — you are not “done,” but I think loneliness causes us to put up with noncommittal guys longer instead of kicking them to the curb. However, this summer marks my 10 year anniversary of dating (since age 18) and it’s been a turning point, as I now have a lengthy range of behaviors and experiences and outcomes from which to draw conclusions. And it’s become very clear that I definitely have all the basic boundaries, but lack the more advanced boundaries to get the guys and the relationships I want. Men marry good girls with strong boundaries, but not good girls without them. I’ve simply been too accepting – if a guy goes a week without calling, I don’t call him, go on dates with other ppl, and act very pleasant when he does call – well, where has my cool girl act gotten me? Nowhere! If I had said something in a calm and rational way, maybe the guy would’ve respected me more! Or if I just said, “See ya” or didn’t return the call. In sales, too, it’s the people who are willing to walk away that demonstrate higher value…
@Starthrower68
I LOOOVE your analogy of nailing Jello to a tree. The image is just too funny. One of my favorite ones ever.