Want the Man Who Wants You!

Want the Man Who Wants You!Have you ever dated a man who fulfilled every quality on your mental checklist?

*      He’s tall.

*      He’s cute.

*      He’s intelligent.

*      He’s successful.

*      He’s funny.

*      He’s kind.

The feeling you get when you’re around this guy is amazing; you might even call it love.

In fact, let’s call it love.

Yes, let’s say that you are completely in love with this amazing man. To you, he is virtually flawless. And who am I to argue?

There’s only one nagging issue:

This man doesn’t love you back.

Time to let go of that man who has a hold on you, even though he doesn’t make any effort to make you feel special. Until you do, you’re emotionally hung up, and preventing yourself from finding true love – the kind where a man actually GIVES to you.

There’s no reason to wait for something that’s not happening.

The man who doesn’t love you the way you love him is WORTHLESS.

Don’t feel alone. Your condition is universal. Thousands of songs have been written about unrequited love, and they all have the same unhappy ending.

I’m just asking you to think about YOUR unrequited love.

Maybe he’s a co-worker whom you’ve had a crush on for the longest time.

Maybe he’s a friend who you’ve secretly been falling for.

Maybe he’s even your boyfriend – the man who’s been with you for 6 months.

Doesn’t matter.

The man who doesn’t love you the way you love him is WORTHLESS.

You KNOW you’re not getting as much love as you’re giving, but you put up with it anyway.

Why?

Because, to you, it beats the alternative: breaking up with him, feeling sad, and going back to the dating pool once again.

So even though you’re with a man who is essentially using you, you’re okay with it. Or you blind yourself to it, and pretend it’s not happening.

Oh, it’s happening.

Every day you spend with a man who doesn’t love you as you love him, you’re playing it safe, you’re playing it scared, and you’re wasting your precious time.

Somehow, you would rather give your love to a man who has no intentions of marrying you …than to free yourself up to search for the man who WILL one day marry you.

Doesn’t that sound just a bit “off” to you?

Sorry, but life is too short to spend getting the short end of the relationship stick.

It’s like a guy pining for that same woman who thinks of him as “just a friend” – spending years getting close to her, in hopes that one day, she changes her mind about him. If that man were your best friend, you’d tell him to move on to a woman who appreciated why he was amazing, instead of steadfastly waiting for her to recognize that he’s been the man of her dreams all along.

I love John Hughes and Judd Apatow movies, but that sweet, nerdy guy usually DOESN’T get the class princess, and should probably find the sweet, nerdy girl who thinks he’s amazing, wouldn’t you agree?

And that’s the unfortunate part about dating – it often creates a power dynamic that is unhealthy. You undoubtedly recognize it.

You like the man who is more unavailable. You respect him more. He’s more challenging. And yet you never know where you stand with him.

When you find the guy who instantly communicates to you that you’re the woman of his dreams, it’s way too easy. He bores you. He’s not challenging enough.

It works the same way for men. The woman who declares her love on date 1 will scare the hell out of him. The woman who makes him work for it a little bit will be the one who wins his heart.

As a result, you have this push-pull dynamic in dating where you’re supposed to be available, but not too available. Flirty but not too easy. Authentic but not saying everything on your mind. Relationship-oriented but not pushing for commitment too soon.

No wonder dating is so difficult!

You’ve probably heard that old adage that tells women to find a man who loves you more than you love him.

The idea behind this is not to create an unequal relationship where he praises the ground you walk on and you have absolutely no respect for him.

No, the idea behind “find a man who loves you more” is really about ensuring that he’s truly devoted to you.

And, if you’re like many of my amazing women clients, you always end up with really impressive men…who don’t make a really impressive effort to be devoted.

Sorry, but life is too short to spend getting the short end of the relationship stick.

My client, Melissa, is a thirtysomething doctor in South Florida. She came to me two months ago, burned out on dating, frustrated by Match.com, confused about what role she played in all of the frustrating results she was getting.

She kept ending up with attractive, fit, charismatic men who didn’t make her feel attractive, didn’t make her feel safe, didn’t make her feel loved.

Two months into coaching, she’s got a new boyfriend. They met on Match and have been together for about a month. He’s already cooked her dinner, brought her chicken soup when she got the flu, and stuck by her when her father had to go to the hospital.

Yet THAT’s the man that you very often lose respect for: the guy who treats you well, the guy who is emotionally available, the guy who earnestly tries to win you over.

He’s devoted, in every sense of the word.

It’s clear, from his actions, that he feels like HE’s the lucky one – and he’s doing everything in his power to prove to her that he’s worthy.

THAT’s the man you want in your life.

Yet THAT’s the man that you very often lose respect for: the guy who treats you well, the guy who is emotionally available, the guy who earnestly tries to win you over.

It’s not nearly as exciting as the man who keeps you on your toes because you never know where you stand. His very UNavailability is part of what makes him so attractive.

But boy, is it unfulfilling to invest so much time in a man who doesn’t give you the security you deserve.

The moral of the story is NOT to find some wishy-washy guy who puts you on a pedestal. Believe me, I appreciate it if you’re uncomfortable finding a man who loves you more.

Feel free to take off the last word if you want.

Just promise me you’ll “find a man who loves you”…not just a man whom you love.

It’s possible – but it takes an effort to do things differently. You’re not alone.

16
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Comments:

  1. 61
    Selena

    @Jada #62

    Agreed.

    And there are many decades ( very long decades if one is sexually unsatisfied) to weather until age 80 as well.

  2. 62
    Karl R

    Sayanta said: (#50)
    “I’m confused by your response to my starbucks comment.”

    Let me try to rephrase it.

    Evan wasn’t certain that he made the right choice with his wife until they had the miscarriage. Why? Because during that lousy experience, they got to see each other at their best and worst.

    On a coffee date, your date can show you that they’re polite, courteous and friendly (or not), but they can’t show you that they’ll be loyal, or that they’ll be dependable in a crisis, or that they’ll be patient with you when you’re cranky.

    Sayanta said: (#50)
    “And I do think politeness is a sign of having qualities like respect and empathy.”

    I grew up in the midwest. You live in Newark. By our standards, we would probably consider each other reasonably polite individuals. I currently live in the south, where the majority of the population was raised on the idea of “southern hospitality”. Our concept of polite behavior doesn’t make the grade down here.

    Would southerners be justified in thinking that everyone in the northern part of the country is disrespectful and lacks empathy?

    To a certain extent, I think you should expect politeness from your date. But it might not be as informative as you would expect.

    Diana said: (#59)
    “If I meet someone new for coffee, I expect he’ll be on his best behavior, as will I.”

    I’ve shown up to first dates physically and mentally exhausted before. While I was still quite capable of being polite, I wasn’t able to be as witty and charming as I would have liked.

    I’ve been on first dates with women who clearly felt nervous and awkward on those dates. Would it have be fair/realistic for me to assume that they lacked self-confidence under more normal circumstances?

    Jadafisk: (#62)
    “by the time I am 80 (unlikely I’ll live that long), I will not be interested in and/or physically able to have sex, and any husband I would’ve had will probably have died. For most people, this is the case and therefore, it’s a non-issue.”

    My girlfriend’s father is 82; her stepmother is 75. They still have an active sex life. (We make a point of not dropping by their house unexpectedly.)

    I’m expecting to have an active sex life as long as I’m physically able.

    Ruby said: (#55)
    “I’ve read that couples who grow old together don’t really notice the white hair and wrinkles, they still see the person they first fell in love with.”

    And the couples who meet and fall in love when they’re in their 70s and 80s … how do you think they do it?

    My girlfriend’s uncle (widowed and remarried in his late 70s) has implied that he also has an active sex life.

    They were able to start out wrinkly, saggy and flabby, and still find each other attractive.

    Katarina Phang said: (#51)
    “Physical attraction might sound shallow but without it there is no fuel to sustain the relationship.  Just a fact.”

    Physical attraction may be a necessity, but people are capable of influencing whether they’re physically attracted to someone.

    With most of my girlfriends, they have some physical features which are attractive, and some physical features which are unattractive. I focus my attention on their best features, and pay little attention to their less attractive features.

    With one girlfriend I might focus on her flawless complexion, and with the next girlfriend I might ignore her bacne. I certainly don’t find everyone attractive, but I’ve opened up a much wider dating pool by selectively choosing where I want to focus my attention.

    Countless women on this blog have given anecdotes about overlooking serious character flaws because they were focused on a man’s physical attractiveness (including a few in this thread). Isn’t it more productive to consciously use that same selective attention to overlook a few physical flaws on someone who has great character?

  3. 63
    Sayanta

    Karl

    I live in NYC :)

  4. 64
    Diana

    Hi Karl ~ that is for you to decide. ;) If I meet a guy who’s feeling nervous or awkward at our first date, I don’t think he lacks self-confidence. I know that it took at least a certain amount of confidence to initiate contact with me, to call me, to ask me out, to arrange for the date, etc. I am appreciative of the effort he made. I interpret his behavior for simply what it is ~ a normal reaction to meeting me for the first time. I don’t equate this with his not being on his best behavior.
     
    If he showed up physically and mentally exhausted, I would wonder why he didn’t call to reschedule until he was feeling better. If he didn’t share with me how he was feeling, I’d likely be able to tell. While I wouldn’t feel responsible for his decision to meet me, I would feel like I was taking up his time when he really needed to be getting some rest and this would make me feel a little be uncomfortable. If we connected, and he asked for a second date, I’d agree, after teasing him to promise not to show up exhausted.
     

  5. 65
    Sarahrahrah!

    And meanwhile, back in Gotham City….

    We are often attracted to people we deem to have much in common with us — as this article states. 

    More and more, I am questioning how important similarities really are in a long term relationship.  In my last relationship, I really liked the guy a lot because he (at first) met all of my criteria on my “check list.”  We had a ton of things in common, including a common cultural and religious background.  We loved similar types of art, music and movies and enjoyed the same hobbies.  While some of that was nice, I realized that I had little to share with him to “impress” him.  Likewise, he had little to teach me.  He wanted to do things with me that I had valued as hobbies I like to do with my girlfriends.  Aside from the fact that I found out that he had a staggering lack of integrity, I realized that our similarity was somewhat boring. 

    In contrast, I had dated a really nice guy whom I had very little in common with me, but who was very openminded, intellectual and had trustworthy.  Because this guy was curious, we explored a lot of my interests and i learned a lot from him, too.  He was not necessarily someone I would have chosen immediately based on our compatibility, but I had a great time dating him because of these factors.  I take this as anecdotal proof of Evan’s advice to cast a wide net.  Like Evan found a wife who made him feel great, I felt really lucky to have found a guy who was willing to try anything once with me, which is something that made me happy.  While I’m not sure if this guy “got” me (he’s a techie, I’m an artist type), perhaps that is not as important as having a partner with integrity who is there for you in the good and the bad times.

  6. 66
    Jadafisk

    “And the couples who fall in love by their 70s and 80s… how do you think they do it?”

    They usually don’t. The vast majority of singles have packed. it. up. by then. I don’t think extremely old people are all that concerned with dating. Most people’s hormones, general health, and therefore their immediate concerns, have changed drastically by that point in their lives. For the ones that are still concerned, some of them do see exactly what we see and refrain for that reason – all of their prospective unpaid partners look, feel and are very old.

    Good character takes a pretty long time to suss out, way longer than attractiveness, charisma, compatibility, intelligence and humor. If those attributes are placed on the backburner in favor of character, will the extended time period spent looking for it be enjoyed or merely endured, especially if it ends in discovering that he’s not that great a person after all, in addition to being less attractive and/or interesting than the people you usually date?

  7. 67
    Jadafisk

    Sorry about that, Karl… the “select” mechanism went wonky and I couldn’t isolate, then copy+paste your quote, so I paraphrased.

  8. 68
    Ruby

    I certainly do know of elderly people who are actively dating or have rremarried. However, i was talking about a 40 year old being attracted to an 80 year old. Not too likely to happen.

  9. 69
    Karl R

    Jadafisk said: (#68)
    “The vast majority of singles have packed. it. up. by then. I don’t think extremely old people are all that concerned with dating.”

    Quoting an article on senior citizens and AIDS:
    “Because they have a lot of free time, Agate said, seniors are more sexually active than most people think. ‘The nursing home staff say, “You wouldn’t believe how many times we have to pull people out of their rooms. They’re in their rooms having sex.” It’s a very big issue nursing home staffs have to deal with.’”

    If the elderly are abstaining or engaging in monogamous behavior, how could they possibly be catching HIV through heterosexual transmission?

    Think that one through.

    Quoting another article on sex in nursing homes:
    “There’s no reason to think that nursing-home residents would be any less frisky, if left to their own devices. After all, we’re talking about a mixed-sex population living in close quarters with almost endless amounts of free time. Already, staffers routinely field patient requests for personal lubricants, pornographic magazines, larger-size beds, and prescriptions for Viagra. And that’s with the 1.6 million elderly residents who came of age before the sexual revolution.”

    Given that it’s the active interference by nursing homes which prevents a significant amount of sexual activity, what do you think happens in retirement communities and independent living centers where the residents have more autonomy and privacy?

    And this article, which surprised me:
    “Many women found that after an initial decrease in their 50s and 60s there was a resurgence of sexual appetite when they reached their 70s or even 80s.”

    Several articles mentioned that overall health, not aging, was the primary indicator of sexual desire and activity among the elderly. Are you planning to be in poor health when you get into your 70s and 80s? I’m intending to maintain an active lifestyle.

    Don’t feel too bad about not knowing this. Every article I skimmed mentioned how shockingly naive younger people (including medical professionals) were about the sexual habits of the elderly.

    Ruby said: (#70)
    “I certainly do know of elderly people who are actively dating or have rremarried. However, i was talking about a 40 year old being attracted to an 80 year old. Not too likely to happen.”

    But when that same 40 year old gets to be 80, they probably will be attracted to 80 year olds.

    The 80 year old has to adapt their standards of attractiveness (over time) if they want to find a partner. The 40 year old doesn’t need to … yet. I’d say that indicates that people can influence what they find attractive.

  10. 70
    Margo

    “I’d say that indicates that people can influence what they find attractive.”

    @Karl. Most things are possible, Karl.

    Reallity check: A 40-year-old finding a 80-year-old physically attracive? Not gonna happen.

  11. 71
    james

    I agree with karl on everything he has said so far… Keep dropping the truth hammer!!!!:)

  12. 72
    starthrower

    If attraction could be based entirely on logic, then Karl is completely correct.  Some people will choose to look for different things, some will not.  And they will decrease or increase their dating opportunities accordingly.  That’s the bottom line.  We can argue all day the numbers, how it should be, etc.  The devil is in the details.

  13. 73
    anamari

    Why a guy want stick around to a woman if he is no longer so into her? If he is not so inlove with her anymore? If making love with her become a chore?
    I have my own answer for this, but ofcourse, is only my ideea..
    I belive, most of the times, they simply wait for us, women, to make the step, in that way they are free of guilt, they can say… was you who wanted to break up, and not me!!.. but in fact was everything about HIM
    Most of the times, i think women dont walk away simply because they think that if men dont want break off, that mean they want us..

  14. 74
    Margo

    That would be “opinion” hammer.

  15. 75
    Karl R

    Margo said: (#72)
    “Reallity check: A 40-year-old finding a 80-year-old physically attracive? Not gonna happen.”

    Almost every 80 year old who finds another 80 year old physically attractive used to be a 40 year old who thought it wasn’t going to happen.

    Have you ever watched someone try to do something that they believe is impossible? (Whether it’s a child trying to walk a balance beam or your mother trying to learn how to program a DVD-R.) As long as they’re convinced it’s impossible, they will sabotage their own efforts. It’s not until they decide that it is possible that they can begin to succeed.

    And if a 40 year old is convinced that it is possible, then it probably takes a lot less then 40 years before it happens.

    I don’t think it’s a good idea for 40 year olds to date 80 year olds (for reasons that have nothing to do with physical attractiveness). But if it’s possible to find 80 year olds attractive, how much easier is it to find someone attractive despite cottage cheese thighs, or stretch marks, or a pot belly, or a bald head?

    This shift doesn’t happen overnight (even if you believe it’s possible), but if you gradually expand the number of people you find physically attractive, then you expand your dating pool.

  16. 76
    Sarah

    Karl,
     
    I can’t speak for Margo but I think the idea isn’t so much that 80-year-olds are flat-out unattractive period.  I think it’s more that they are not desirable to 40-year-olds when the 40-year-olds are 40.
     
    Personally, I would prefer someone close to my generation.  Right now, that’s someone in his 30s.  When I’m 80, then I’ll prefer someone close to that age — not a 30-year-old!  I want someone who is approximately my peer.  I think a lot of people share that preference.
     
    Margo 60,
     
    Because I have no better prospects right now and I’d rather be with him than nobody.  Also it’s possible that he’ll become more attractive to me over time (it’s happened before with other guys).  What puts me off about him has to do with his personality; I don’t like kissing him because he has been too pushy about it at times.  He may be getting better about it, less pushy, and therefore more attractive.  In short, I’m just not ready to write him off altogether because it could still get better.  (And because I’d prefer him over nothing.)

  17. 77
    Margo

    Sarah, in reading all you wrote about this guy, I’d let him go. You’re batting zero with this guy. You feel NO attraction, you don’t feel good when you’re around him, and you don’t like his personality. Sometimes, if a person has a good personality, that can create attraction within the other person. This guy doesn’t. Not to say his personality is wrong, it’s just not what you prefer. If it were me, I wouldn’t waste months, or years hoping that his personality will change. Personalities don’t change.

    You stated he has a good job, stable family, etc., However, taking into account his personailty, the tradeoff will be having to be stuck with a boring, cold, partner who doesn’t excite you. 

  18. 78
    Sarah

    Thank you for the advice, Margo.  I appreciate it.
     
    I guess I have been holding onto the possibility that his personality could change.  And this is based on my suspicion that he has already improved somewhat, and that wants to be what I want.  I haven’t sat him down and had a talk with him about what I don’t like about him — not an easy thing to do!  I can’t help thinking that if I told him how he comes across, he would want to do better and would try to.  However, I also suspect that it would feel less than genuine to me if he acts interested in what I say only because I asked him to.  That’s the sort of thing you shouldn’t have to ask for.  And, I mean, it shouldn’t be an act.
     
    Anyway, thanks for the feedback.  I appreciate it.

  19. 79
    Karl R

    Sarah said: (#80)
    “I guess I have been holding onto the possibility that his personality could change.”

    If he’s young and you think he’s immature, then you might be in luck. Otherwise, people’s personalities change slowly, not necessarily in the way you would like, and change less and less with age … until TIAs, strokes and Alzheimer’s start drastically rewriting the map.

    I don’t count on my girlfriend changing. And I wouldn’t put up with a girlfriend trying to change me.

  20. 80
    AS

    Great insights! I think sometimes when you have been single for a while, it’s easy to get caught up with ‘unrequited love’ as you’re really keen to have someone in your life and feel like it’s better to have ‘something’ rather than nothing. You convince yourself that you are being proactive, when in fact deep down inside you know you are not. But letting go of this person would mean that you then have to really put yourself out there… which is fearful & overwhelming so you continue to turn the other cheek until the reality smacks you in the mouth…  

  21. 81
    LookingForLove31

    Very true! The longer you spend with someone who doesn’t love you, the longer it will be until you find “The One.” As you said, someone who seems too into you is unappealing, so it’s all about finding the right balance.

  22. 82
    Sarah

    Karl,
     
    There was a time I would have agreed with you. Used to be I’d never try to change someone; it’s disrespectful and likely to be ineffective.  Instead, I’d walk away.  But as I’ve grown more mature I’ve realized that the idea of change isn’t so black-and-white.
     
    I’ve known people who would WANT to change if their behavior is objectionable.  They don’t always realize how they come across, and they’d rather have their SO tell them what they don’t like… so they can change.  Because they want to be better people.  Because it’s preferable to kick that annoying habit (and be more likable to everyone, not just the SO) than to lose someone you love.
     
    So if I told my guy that he doesn’t make me feel heard, and I want to be with someone who does, he can either try to be the kind of person I want, or let me go.  Does that mean I’m trying to change him?  No, not at all.  It means I respect myself enough to know that I shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t make me feel good, and if he isn’t that person then he can either become that person or lose me.  It’s up to him.  I’m not trying to make him anything.  I’m telling him what I need and letting him decide whether or not to be that.  (Hypothetically, of course.  In reality I probably won’t say this to him.)
     
    Didn’t someone say something about how Karl always picks apart everyone else’s posts?  Is he deliberately trying to be difficult?  Does he honestly not understand the difference between trying to change someone and telling someone that their behavior rubs you the wrong way?

  23. 83
    Sarah

    Also, Karl, you might do well to look at context before you compose your counterargument, rather than lifting out one sentence and isolating it.  If you had kept reading, you would have seen where I said “And this is based on my suspicion that he has already improved somewhat, and that wants to be what I want.”
     
    The truth is, he HAS improved, noticeably, since I’ve been with him.  I think it’s entirely possible that some of his unattractive behavior was due to nerves and extreme shyness.  So, no, I’m not holding out for Alzheimer’s, and you’d have known I didn’t have to, had you kept reading before reacting.
     
     

  24. 84
    Karl R

    Sarah said: (#84)
    “Does [Karl] honestly not understand the difference between trying to change someone and telling someone that their behavior rubs you the wrong way?”

    Are you aware of any bad habits that you have? If you’re reasonably self-aware, you have a lot of insight into what your less appealing traits are. In fact, you probably know those traits and habits better than your boyfriend (since you’ve known yourself a lot longer than he has). I doubt that you’re telling your boyfriend any new information.

    If your boyfriend’s behavior rubs you the wrong way, there are two ways to “fix” the problem:
    1. He can change his behavior.
    2. You can stop being bothered by it.

    Which option do you think you have more control over?

    I would say 2. The only circumstance when I would recommend 1. (telling him that his behavior bothers you and seeing what he does) is when 2. is impossible, where you would have to break up with him if he didn’t change.

    Sarah said: (#84)
    “So if I told my guy that he doesn’t make me feel heard, and I want to be with someone who does, he can either try to be the kind of person I want, or let me go.”

    If his behavior is unacceptable, this is the best way to address the situation. But at that point, I’d say you need to be willing to walk away, because that’s the more common outcome.

    Sarah said: (#84)
    “I’ve known people who would WANT to change if their behavior is objectionable. They don’t always realize how they come across, and they’d rather have their SO tell them what they don’t like… so they can change. Because they want to be better people. Because it’s preferable to kick that annoying habit (and be more likable to everyone, not just the SO) than to lose someone you love.”

    How many times have you changed your personality, because your significant other told you what he didn’t like about your personality?

    If you do it in every relationship, then it’s reasonable to believe that your boyfriend would do the same. If it’s something you’ve done once in your whole life, then it’s probably a long-shot.

    Sarah said: (#85)
    “The truth is, he HAS improved, noticeably, since I’ve been with him. I think it’s entirely possible that some of his unattractive behavior was due to nerves and extreme shyness.”

    That’s not a change in his personality. That’s you getting a better understanding of who he really is.

    If you want to stick with a guy long enough to see what his personality is really like (behind the nerves, shyness or whatever else), that’s a reasonable plan.

    Sarah said: (#80 & #85)
    “And this is based on my suspicion that he has already improved somewhat, and that wants to be what I want.”

    What would you think of a woman who had a boyfriend who didn’t like her personality, but she wanted to change her personality to become what he wanted her to be?

    That woman sounds kind of spineless, doesn’t she?

    Let’s assume for a moment that your suspicion about your boyfriend is correct. Most women (or at least most of the female readers on this blog) would dump any man who was that spineless. It’s possible that you are an exception.

    I’m willing to listen to my girlfriend’s opinion about superficial changes (for example, which style of glasses frames she thinks I’d look good in), but my personality is integral to who I am. That’s non-negotiable.

  25. 85
    Margo

    @Karl 86. Karl, what woud you do if you smoked and drinked and a girlfriend wanted you to change those things because she couldn’t live with them? Woud you? Obviously it would be for your own good as well because eventually the smoker and alcoholic ruins their own health. It’s not a personality change of course, it’s a behavioral change.

    A man wanted to date me once, and still does, but there is no way in HELL I’d ever consider being with an alcoholic or smoker.

    For those on here who have run into this situation, did you ask for change? Or just walk?

  26. 86
    starthrower68

    You walk.  If you can’t accept someone as they are then that is your best option.  It doesn’t matter how right you are about smoking and drinking being bad for him.  If he doesn’t want to change, he’s not going to.  People generally do what they WANT to do.  If there’s no way in HELL you’d ever consider being with an alcholic or a smoker, then fine, don’t be with one. But no one is going to change him. 

  27. 87
    Goldie

    Agree with Starthrower, but for a different reason. It’s not that they don’t want to change for you, it’s that they probably can’t. Nicotine is one of the most addictive substances. According to this link, it’s as addictive as heroine: http://www1.umn.edu/perio/tobacco/nicaddct.html Alcoholism (not to be confused with occasional social drinking) is a disease that some resources believe to be hereditary: http://www.disability-resource.com/medical-health/alcoholism/ If I knew I couldn’t live with an alcoholic or smoker, I’d walk, because the chances of them being able to quit and stick with it are pretty low, and I wouldn’t want to take those chances.

  28. 88
    Karl R

    Margo asked: (#87)
    “Karl, what woud you do if you smoked and drinked and a girlfriend wanted you to change those things because she couldn’t live with them? Woud you?”

    I drink regularly, so I’ll use that as an example. My typical consumption is one glass of red wine per day, either when I’m out, or after my girlfriend and I come home in the evening.

    If a girlfriend did not like being around alcohol, I would not keep it or consume it in the house. I would also be willing to forgo it when we were out together. If she were a recovered alcoholic, I would take those steps (without having to be asked) just to keep the temptation away from her. That’s the extent I would be willing to change my behavior to respect her boundaries.

    However, I would continue to drink socially when she wasn’t around (office happy hours, wine & cheese with the choir after rehearsal), and I wouldn’t make a secret of it. If she expects me to stop drinking altogether, she is not respecting my boundaries. She is also showing a distinct lack of trust in my ability to drink responsibly.

    I’ve had three girlfriends who didn’t drink, These issues were addressed during the first few dates. I always knew their reasons before we dated exclusively.

    Goldie said: (#89)
    “If I knew I couldn’t live with an alcoholic or smoker, I’d walk, because the chances of them being able to quit and stick with it are pretty low, and I wouldn’t want to take those chances.”

    I agree.

    If someone has managed to quit and stick with it for more than one year, I’d be willing to take the chance. But if they were still at the point of trying to quit, I wouldn’t.

  29. 89
    Juniper

    I agree with the gist of what Evan is saying here and it makes sense to me.  I have been trying to do this in my life after running after some guys who I thought were great for me but who did not want me.  However, I feel like I am running into another issue – Evan makes it sounds like so easy – you respond to people who want you and there you have something that works.  In my case, more than once, once I started responding to guys who were acting like they were into me or want me, once I started showing I liked them, they stopped being into me and gave me the cold shoulder, which is frankly even more painful for me… I wonder what I am doing wrong…

  30. 90
    Margo

    Goldie and Karl, thanks for your replies. Karl, I don’t mind social drinking. I partake myself from tme to time. According to reports I have been given from friends, the guy in question is an alcoholic or at the very least an abusive drinker. I’m talking about alcoholic rages, drinking binges etc. So, even if I wasn’t interested in someone else, it would be a no-go unless he was willing to address his problems.

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