How Do I Get The Nice Guy I Ditched To Give Me Another Chance?
Hi Evan, Love your blog. Here’s my situation. I’m 37, single, and had a really bad breakup 2 years ago. I’m cautious but also a hopeless romantic. I finally meet this guy at a house party who intrigues me and reminds me of an old college boyfriend: cute, sweet, very shy. The first few dates, I really like him. He does everything right. He’s intelligent, curious, shows up, cooks me dinner… But around the 5th date, I start feeling ambivalent about him.
We’ve made out but no sex. (I want to be sure before I go there.) I start wondering if he’s too nice/boring/granola. I’ve travelled a lot, my friends all tend to be pretty ambitious, successful, outgoing types. I worried if he would fit in. I found him too timid. So 4 weeks in (7 dates,) I felt trapped. I couldn’t wait to get away from him! I pulled away when he tried to kiss me. It was pretty obvious that I wasn’t feeling it. When he suggested seeing a movie that weekend or cooking dinner for me later in the week, I was noncommittal. I suggested dinner the following weekend. I figured there was no harm in dating casually a bit longer. Plus, I’ve chosen fun, charismatic guys in the past and that’s gone nowhere! I wanted to see if I could make things work with someone who didn’t make me feel super tingly but might be a good long term partner.
But a few days later, he suddenly tells me things are moving too fast. He wants to dial it down and just be friends. When I asked why, he said “it just doesn’t feel right,” that I was giving out mixed signals and he had no say in anything. I was really, really shocked by this as the last time we met he was clearly keen to see me! So Evan, here’s the thing. He was right – I did give mixed signals. Ironically, (of course!) now that he has pulled away, I find him much more attractive and want him back. (I know this isn’t a healthy trait.)
After that, I admitted via text messages (not ideal I know) that I had some issues, didn’t behave well, and agreed it would be good to be friends. (But I really wanted to see him again to see how I felt.) After pestering him with texts, he agreed to spend Sunday morning with me to go for a walk on the beach. And we had a lovely, relaxing few hours. I wanted to kiss him, but I didn’t. I wanted him to kiss me, but he didn’t. I joked, “too bad we’re not dating, otherwise I’d kiss you.” He asked what he said that was so charming. I told him I was feeling more relaxed and left it at that. We had a long hug when we said goodbye. He kissed me on the cheek twice and said something about maybe cooking dinner for me again sometime… Now, I’m confused. Does he really just want to be friends? Is he still interested at all? So two days later, I texted asking if we could meet up for dinner sometime. 3 days have gone by and NO response. Evan, what do I do? I want another shot with this guy. Yes, I was stupid to have taken him for granted so early on. I still don’t know if he’s the guy for me, but he has qualities I really like. I realize I focused on things that were superficial. I don’t want to act all crazy and start stalking him. He must know I really like him, right?
Evan, you always say that a guy only wants to be with a girl who makes him feel good. I clearly didn’t make him feel good when I pulled away. How do I salvage the situation? I don’t even know if he pulled back because I pulled back or he met someone else or lost interest or he’s commitment-phobe. In which case, I’m better off not dragging things out… My question is, how can I get him to meet with me again in a low-pressure, relaxed environment so I can let him know genuinely how much I like him? Or should I just let it go? If he likes me, he will contact me himself, right? Help! Thank you! — Confused in the City
Oh, Confused!
If you weren’t such a big fan, I would tell you that this is a dilemma entirely of your own making and that you’ve made your bed and now you must lie in it.
Okay, that’s what I’m going to tell you anyway, because there’s not much I can really add to the belated wisdom you exhibited in your question:
You didn’t find him attractive or desirable until he became distant.
You blew him off and expected him to be waiting for you. He wasn’t.
You didn’t find him attractive or desirable until he became distant. Telling.
You were worried about what your friends thought and let that affect things. Sad.
You realized that chemistry is an illusion but you dissed him anyway. Predictable.
But then we get to the meat of your question, “What should I do to win him back?”
Let’s quickly flip it around, shall we?
Nice guy takes you out. Gets mixed signals. Gets blown off because you didn’t feel sufficiently excited, attracted, or nervous around him.
What could he do to convince you that you were wrong?
Should he text you again? Call you again? Send you flowers? Proclaim his love outside your window with a boombox?
Nope. There’s nothing the nice guy can do to convince you that you were wrong.
Wait. There IS one thing.
I nearly forgot because it’s childish, and nothing I’d ever recommend — except for the fact that it works like a charm:
He can pull away and stop trying to court you.
What a great strategy. It salvages his self-respect and makes you come crawling.
At least, that’s how it looks from the outside.
So, to all the people who are reading this who want to learn how to “get your boyfriend back,” the answer is clear: stop trying to get him back.
So, to all the people who are reading this who want to learn how to “get your boyfriend back,” the answer is clear: stop trying to get him back.
If he thinks you’re special, he’ll come around on his own.
And if he thinks you’re a little selfish, a little ambivalent and a little immature, you certainly provided enough evidence for him.
But I’m not worried about you, Confused. I’m pretty sure you’ll never make this mistake again.
The question — to me — is whether any of our readers will continue to blow off the good guys, simply because they’re too “available.”
Your anecdote makes a much better case than I could, thanks.
Evan, I think this is pretty common. Being back in the dating world again after my divorce 2 years ago I’ve experienced this. It’s really confusing sometimes and it feels counter-productive but if I express too much interest the spark is dead..dead..dead!
I’m in the same boat. Blew the nicest guy I’ve ever dated off. Why? I said we weren’t compatible, didn’t have enough in common ect. That was about 6 months ago. We still talk. I just sent him a message saying I’d like to date him and I was wrong. I hope he accepts it. My problem is that I’m only attracted to crazy, controlling abusive men, so I’m ready to stop listening to my heart and start listening to my head and to be with a man who is logically a good long term made, rather than one who gives me a thrill.
All you’ll do is get bored and cheat on him because it’s thrilling.
There is nothing you can do to win him back, you pretty much rejected the guy and men don’t give women that reject them second chances. Prepare for him to reject your proposal. What you did to the guy was pretty cruel by blowing him off, if he had any ounce of self respect he would reject you in a heartbeat.
I 100000000% agree with ERI on this one. Speaking from the same experience, I felt bad about when she told me that I was Boring, Corny, Lame and TOOO NICE. She wanted the guy that was getting out of prison ( She met him while taking her friend to visit her man IN PRISON). He had just finished doing 8 out of 10 years for armed robbery and shooting his victim. After about 8 months into that “RELATIONSHIP”, he shot her for not letting him hide drugs in her apartment. I know all this because “SHE CALLED FROM THE HOSPITAL ATER HER SURGERY” apologizing and telling me the whole story asking me to forgive her and ‘LET’S BE FRIENDS”. I said Hell NOOOOOOOOOOOO and hung up in her face.
if he has some self respect he will reject you. you see when you tell a guy he can be only a friend. we expect that. when you change your mind months later we feel like the loser back up guy, since you got dump or rejected by the guy you hook up with in 2 dates or 1st date. then you come to the friend who you went to many dates, and he never had a chance. how can he trust you when he did all he could a d still got the boot. then some guy who did not do shit got you on the first date. he will think that once in a relationship another super bad ass guy you fancy might come up and take you away in a heartbeat. my suggestion is forget about him you make a friend stay as friends.
I’m not sure this is on topic but where is the line between being adoring and being smothering? I want to be with someone that adores me and that I adore. But, I’ve had new guys call and text not just daily but obsessively- almost hourly! I don’t have anything new to tell you since we talked an hour ago. I want to be with a nice guy. I practice the Adam Sandler effect and prefer to rate someone on personality over appearance but men, please don’t smother us! And then, I feel guilty for not wanting to be with these men. Ugh. I’m rambling.
I don’t pick up any signs that this guy was smothering, just available. Many women with approach/avoidance issues label a guy as smothering when he’s simply not running away. When he goes away they get interested again. Forget that…
Cheryl,
At the surface, your post examines a fully reasonable, almost obvious argument. Your desire and subsequent search to find a charming, kind, available, loving, etc man (aka “the nice guy”) has left you annoyed. You found “nice guys” who get your hopes up, only to self-sabotage by calling so often that you feel understandably suffocated to the point where cutting ties is the only solution.
So, here comes the point I hope you and any other women claiming to want a “nice guy” take away from my following argument:
First, consider why these guys were ringing you off the hook. The answer boils down to one word, insecurities!!!
Can you imagine these men having vast dating experience? What would ever posses calling at this frequency? Lacking even the most basic common dating sense or just basic principles of human psychology that a man would have to put an effort into not naturally learning with social interaction.
I want you now to consider what dating the “nice guy” who fits your criteria perfectly would look like after no longer than 3-6 months. If you look at all those bullet points that come with defining a nice guy’s attributes, they might seem great at first, but will lead to you getting so tired of him, you’ll want him out of your life quicker than the original suitors who were blowing up you cell. And it comes back to the same exact attribute all Nice Guys posses; insecurities!!!
In no time, things like being eternally available for you, showing you copious amounts of adoration, and putting you before any of his own interests or problems will lead you to become bored. He treats you like the princess you wanted to be in a man’s eyes, however your looking for a significant other, not a loyal subject.
My point is that the reason “nice guys” don’t win is because during the dating process, they give all of themselves to the women, and in the process lose they’re own self identity. Happiness any given day for him is based solely on your mood and how much of the %110 he shows you daily, you feel like giving back that day.
Of course you want to feel desired and chased, however knowing that no matter what the guy will always be at your backing call will leave you seeking of other men who you don’t know for sure will be interested in you. Now you feel that tingling you’ve been missing and before long the Nice Guy will have to be dumped and heart broken..and really it’s by the doing of his own hand. If the experience does not inspire a change in his attitudes concerning what women really want in a relationship, then he will most likely keep repeating this self destructive cycle.
Im sure there’s a somewhere between biker gang abuser and the thrill less “Nice Guy”. Wish you all the best!
Oh confused, I feel your pain!
This story sounds all too familiar to me as well and I hope he comes around. If not, you’ve learned a good, albeit painful, lesson.
A similar situation recently occurred for me as well. The guy and I had gone on two dates but I wasn’t feeling the chemistry. He tried to kiss me and I gave him the cheek. I told him I just wanted to be friends. Well, we ended up hanging out about 5-6 months later (at my invitation) and I thought “oh dear, perhaps I made a mistake…what to do?” After hanging out 3 consecutive weekends, the 4rth one, after a lot of flirting, he made a move to kiss me and it was HOT! He commented that we’re probably more than just friends now, however he hasn’t exactly followed up, except to send me a few texts the next day that he was thinking about me.
I am thus also confused, but realize that I may have sabotaged a regular dating situation through my own quick judgment of the guy.
Of course, all I can do is wait and see if he follows up on his “we’re more than just friends” statement.
Perhaps in your case it would be good to simply write him a quick email saying that you feel you made a mistake, apologize, and tell him you’re open to pursuing dating again if he’d like.
Then leave it all alone.
What he does will be your answer.
Demi,
I experienced something similar and am wondering what it means and what to do.. I went on a date (this was over a year ago), with someone who is not physically my type. He’s not unattractive, he’s cute..just totally not my type. :/ Anyway, we had things in common, he was sweet, and all that good stuff plus really liked me! And that was unfortunately my turnoff. 🙁 I tend to like the chase..which never ends well for me. ugh. So At the end of one of our dates, he gives me a kiss (I figured what the heck)..and WOW! It was really amazing! It actually scared me..I pulled back (didn’t let it last too long) and said goodnight. I ended up not seeing him again after that. He got upset. Fast forward to NOW..I saw him online and he messaged me..wants to see me again and be “friends”. I am tempted because he was nice and I am just getting out of a shitty relationship BUT I am not sure it’s what I want and he will feel lead on..Sorry for the rant(!) but my question is..what I am trying to figure out in my head..is was that kiss a spark?? Was it considered chemistry?? If so, I’m surprised and still unsure of getting to know him (the NICE GUY)..I hate that I feel so unsure!!
How did your situation turn out? Did he contact you? What have you learned and could possibly pass along to others (me:) for advice?
Thanks, Demi!
Carly
You pretty much friend zoned the guy, it’s over. You have no chance with the guy and it’s all your fault, let that sink in.
If the thought of you taking the initiative for a moment does not turn you off, just tell him and suggest something to do.
With a good guy who is interested in you, that will work to get things started again.
On the other hand, if you want somebody who can instinctively read your signs and mind from day one, you already know the answer to whether this should go ahead or not.
Well said.
You give terrible advice and you are obviously damaged goods. Maybe try an MRA web site instead?
@Alan
Eri’s comment may have suffered from poor delivery, but it is not bad advice. Guys do not like to be friend-zoned. What the guy did was give Demi a taste of her own medicine. It was his way of saying, “You blew me off. How does it feel?” He is not coming back. He achieved his goal, and that was to show Demi that friend-zoning a guy with boundaries has consequences. Only a man without options would have allowed Demi to have a second bite of the apple.
Hi Alana!
Please stop labeling any guy who doesn’t fit your hostile views (towards men), as an MRA or MGTOW!
ps- Mod.. this is the second post I have made towards Alana. You didn’t “approve” the first, yet there are far worse on this blog. Please be consistent.
Dear OP,
Try telling the guy the truth and ask for a Mulligan. Too often in the world of dating we are so used to gamesmanship and subterfuge that just telling the truth isn’t the first thing that pops into our heads. If you are honest and vulnerable and admit your mistake, he just might surprise you and be willing to start fresh. If he doesn’t, then you can have the satisfaction of knowing that your were courageous and asked for what you wanted…and that’s always the best you can do.
Wouldn’t work. I would believe that you had me as your backup plan and now the other person didn’t work out.
Bingo
Even if that was the case, we cannot always control timing.
Say, while you were seeing somebody, somebody else appearing to be better for you somehow turned up. Does that mean you shouldn’t follow through and be sure about the first one?
This is so true. I am a man in a similar situation, and I can tell you if the woman were to honestly communicate with me her feelings – that she is indeed interested and feels she fucked it up – I would see it as an opportunity to connect and get closer. For years, men have been saying women need to stop ditching the nice guys and that it’s going to screw everyone up in the long run. It’s not happening so far, and it never will. Most women want the bad guys because their emotional experience with them conforms to what they learned about themselves in relation to males earlier in life. I don’t mean to get all Freudian or anything, but it’s true. I have no solution. Women are doing this to themselves. I think the best men can do is not be pushovers and put them in their place when they cross our boundaries, walk away from them because we deserve better, and continue pursuing to find the right woman for us. That’s how I see it anyway.
Confused’s email reminds of that movie “The Tao Of Steve” ( based on a true story ) about a low income obese man who is a successful pickup artist. He claimed all of his teachings came down to 3 techniques:
1. Be excellent ( at anything, impress the woman )
2. Be desireless ( don’t project neediness, emotionally or sexually )
3. Be gone ( don’t make yourself too available )
I think EMK is correct in that such things are for less mature people. However, they do effect people. Women value strength in men. A strong person who has things happening in his life is naturally going to be doing #2 & #3. Someone who isn’t, is going to send a message on an unconscious level to a woman that he isn’t that great of a catch
*HOWEVER*
Freud said that “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar”. Some guys are “nice”, even realizing the signals they put out, because that is just the way they like to be and they don’t care if it gets them women or not.
It is over either way for Confused. On an unconscious level she doesn’t find that behavior attractive. People tend to lose interest in people who lost interest in them. If Evan is right, if the man realized he was driving you away by being too available, he probably wouldn’t respect you very much for responding to a dating/PUA trick. Given the kind of woman Confused is, that lack of respect may make her want him more, but that doesn’t mean he will want her nor that they will be happy together.
My vote is for moving on.
I think this kind of ambivalence is very common in the early phases of dating. What matters is how both parties handle it. Men also want to protect themselves, and if someone sends mixed signals, that can be a warning to other person to back off. That’s what happened here. When he backed off, CITC had the space to move closer again.
What’s problematic is how she handled things after that. After a really bad break-up, it’s not unusual to feel cautious about getting involved with someone new. Instead of talking to him in person or phone, perhaps mentioning her situation, that she hadn’t been in a relationship in quite a while and needed to take things more slowly, she texted him that she had “issues”. I know we all have some baggage, but personally, I wouldn’t be pleased if I received a text message telling me that my prospective partner has problems (and i don’t know what they are). Still, even after their long walk, she didn’t use the opportunity to tell him in a direct way how she felt. After blowing him off, with vague talk of her problems, she’s now pestering him with text messages.
It’s no wonder the guy isn’t chomping at the bit to go out again. At this point, I’d give things a bit of a cooling off period. If CITC doesn’t hear from him, then maybe an email with a more direct explanation of her feelings would work.
After dating extensively and going through the “why bother” stage numerous times I found someone I thought might be special. Our chemistry on our first date was off the charts and 10 hours later we could barely pull ourselves apart. We met again the next day and that day was also magical. I was really falling for this lady and then the problems began. She started to pull back. We had sporadic communications for a few weeks and we finally had a lengthy phone conversation in which she stated we had fantastic chemistry, she really liked me, etc. but I wasn’t attentive to her needs because I’d do things like talk with her on the phone too long and it was my responsibility to cut the conversation off when it was time for her to go to bed.
I’ve come to the conclusion that the rationale for cutting off the budding relationship probably has nothing to do with the nonsensical reasons she gave me. Maybe she is afraid of moving forward. Maybe she doesn’t want to risk being hurt again. I don’t know.
At first I was torn between is she playing hard to get or is she really just not interested. Should I send flowers and pursue or should I just sit back? After reading numerous articles and comments on Evan’s site the answer is clear — no matter how wonderful I think this woman is, the reality differs from the illusion and I just need to sit back. Maybe in 6 months or a year she will be ready and I might be interested. Unfortunately, her hot then cold attitude has left me lukewarm at best. If I saw her tomorrow and she met me with a huge smile and a hug, I’m sure the chemistry would be right back to 10+, but her actions after the first weekend together have definitely knocked her down on the compatibility scale quite a bit. I imagine the OP’s BF feels the same way and thanks to internet dating, there’s not much reason to hang around waiting to see if another date would result in true love or being kicked to the curb again.
Well…if HE hadn’t pulled back do you really think you would still want him? How about if both of you kept it going 10 -12 weeks? That’s pretty much the mark when people decide if there is anything “there” or not.
I think you just want him because *inexplicably* he doesn’t want you. The truth is probably neither of you were that into each other and realized it 7 weeks in. As often happens.
Yes, to me there is no real evidence that there is anything “there” beyond the fact that she wants to feel attractive, which is how she felt when he was chasing her. When he wasn’t, she became insecure again and this rekindled the attraction. I would bet as soon as he became available again, she’d lose interest again – which isn’t the nicest way to treat someone you respect. I’d just let it go.
This sort of thing happened to me so many times when I was dating that I started to wonder if it was me and if I’d do it with everyone, no matter what – but no fear! When I met the right guy I was even more attracted when he reciprocated.
And we just got engaged last week!
Congrats Honey! Though I have to say, I thought you and Jake had already planned to marry before this. ??
I suspect, as Honey says, she was even more attracted when Jake reciprocated is probably what our OP would have experienced had this been the right guy. It’s probably tough on this guy because rejection hurts. Once I am rejected by someone, I pretty much shut off my emotions toward that person, and it would not be very easy to rekindle them. I doubt he’s a commitment phobe. I suspect he’s smarting and is gun shy.
…How interesting, women have done me, the same way “confused” did to her friend.
Can I throw something out here, that I think really clouds our judgment on this?
Sex.
When we meet some-one, we want to QUICKLY determine wether or not we feel sexual desire for them. If we don’t, we WANT to feel that desire, so we keep trying, when it doesn’t happen we pull away, often too quickly. There is WAY too much sexual pressure in relationships especially in dating.
Then the male in question, who finally voices his own thoughts, we begin to see a person, not a thing who we wish could make us feel sexy and desired. He doesn’t exist to make us feel that way. He was simply being nice and trying to get to know us!!
I have relaxed, deliberately around the whole physical side of things, because I think this is a huge problem. Stop expecting chemistry and excitment. Just notice the person you are with. If he’s right, you won’t be having sex…you will be “making love”..wether it’s fiesty love, or tender even if this takes some time. 🙂
How to get him back? You can’t. Just be receptive if he calls again 🙂
@Honey #9. I thought you already were engaged as well :). Congratulations!!
Confused in the City asked: (original post)
“He must know I really like him, right?”
He knows you send mixed signals. How is he supposed to figure out that you’re really interested in him?
Confused in the City asked: (original post)
“If he likes me, he will contact me himself, right?”
He did let you know that he liked you … when he leaned to kiss you. You responded by pulling away. (And that let him know you didn’t feel the same way.) He let you know again … when he kissed you on the cheek twice. And how did you respond to that? Did you kiss him back?
So your actions are still telling him that you’re not interested. That lowers his incentive to contact you.
Confused in the City asked: (original post)
“how can I get him to meet with me again in a low-pressure, relaxed environment so I can let him know genuinely how much I like him?”
If you’re waiting for a relaxed, low-pressure environment in order to tell him that you like him, then you’ll never tell him. If you want to tell him, you’ll make the opportunity to tell him. And you’ll take that opportunity even though it won’t be relaxed or low-pressure.
Confused in the City asked: (original post)
“Is he still interested at all?”
I have no idea. If you want to find out, you’re going to have to risk being turned down. And that’s why it will never be sufficiently relaxed and low-pressure.
One thing to be aware of:
If I were in his shoes, I would only give you one more chance. If you flaked out a second time, I wouldn’t give you a third chance.
And if Honey (#9) is correct, then it’s a moot point.
We had set the date, but I did not yet have the Best Ring Ever. Now I do 🙂
Congratulations, Honey!
“…I’ve chosen fun, charismatic guys in the past and that’s gone nowhere! I wanted to see if I could make things work with someone who didn’t make me feel super tingly but might be a good long term partner.”
I have two questions for Confused in the City: How do you believe this man would feel were he to learn what you actually think of him and your relationship? Why should he give you another chance?
IMHO, #8 is the best comment. Down to Earth. Succinct.
Good question jrd. How many of us would want to be someone who admited we didn’t make them feel super tingly, but thought we might be a good term partner anyway. Sort of sounds like picking out a sensible car. Not very flattering. Got to be a little more than that to make someone excited about being with you, yes?
@Selena: “How many of us would want to be someone who admited we didn’t make them feel super tingly, but thought we might be a good term partner anyway.”
Frankly, Selena, I think everyone is WAY too insecure, sensitive and unrealistic about this kind of stuff. If I have a happy marriage that I find loving, fun, nurturing, and fulfilling… if I treat my wife like gold and get treated like gold in return… if we’re building a life and a family that is 100% gratifying – what DIFFERENCE does it make that I’ve admitted that she didn’t make me feel super tingly when we met?
Similarly, if she married me and we’re both happy, why do I have to have the fantasy that I am the smartest, cutest, wealthiest, kindest, funniest, sexiest man she’s ever been with?
That’s right. I don’t.
Because I’m secure with myself and I’m secure in my marriage.
Solid relationships can withstand the truth. Weak ones are the ones where we have to tell pretty little lies because of our partner’s insecurity. Worrying that your partner “compromised” his/her way into a great relationship with you is a great waste of energy that can undermine something really wonderful.
Over the years, I’ve had a number of people tell me how sorry they are for my wife – because I talk about her honestly like this.
All I can say is that my wife is CERTAINLY not sorry she married me.
She allows me to tell the truth and doesn’t judge me for it.
This is a standard to which I would hope you’d aspire.
You don’t need to “tingle” to be happy, and if you think you do, well, I predict you’re going to have a hard time finding a relationship that lasts 40 years…