How Often Am I Supposed To Call My Girlfriend?

How Often Am I Supposed To Call My Girlfriend?
Hi Evan,

Firstly. I have very much been enjoying your “Advice from a Single Dating Expert” forum. It’s very helpful to get a moderated forum from an expert. And the folks who post seem to be halfway intelligent.

OK question.  My girlfriend of one year wants to talk to me on the phone every day. To me it feels like I am checking in with my mom. I say “no way, it pushes my buttons.” She says “If you really loved me you would want to rather than feel like you have to.” Evan, since you have dealt with many daters and have some perspective, where is this phone call frequency on the range of daters who call each other?

I know it seems nuts, the woman is otherwise great for me, but I can’t get past this feeling.

–Hadley

Dear Hadley,

Thanks for your kind words about my readers. I would have to agree that they’re a smart bunch. They ask tough questions and are open to challenging answers.

Which leads me to the very predictable portion of today’s blog where I challenge you.

So you have this girlfriend who you’ve been with you for a year. Your constant source of tension is that she wants to talk to you every day. You don’t want to do this because it makes you feel like checking in with your mom.

Got it.

Hadley, my friend… If relationships are about compromise, what exactly is it costing you to talk to your girlfriend every day? That’s right. Nothing. The only thing it’s costing you is “being right.” And that’s where most couples stumble. We want to be right. We want to tell our partners how it is – what we do, what we don’t do, how we’re not going to be bossed around. And what for? So your amazing girlfriend can feel insecure that her boyfriend of a year doesn’t really love her? How does this arrangement possibly help you?

Think of it as simple cost/benefit analysis.

Time it costs you to call her to say good night and ask about her day: Ten minutes.

Time it costs you to argue about not wanting to do this simple task: a lot more than that.

Women crave connection. And until you’ve got a ring on her finger and are signing your marriage contracts, it’s very reasonable for her to be concerned about the health of your relationship. The way to reassure her? Constant contact, constant communication, constant affection, constant talk of the future. Let any one of those things go for a day or a week, and I get a letter from her saying, “I’ve been seeing this guy for a year and I think he loves me but doesn’t want to talk to me as much as I’d like.” And you know what my answer to her would be?

If he can’t see fit to accommodate you by calling you every day, he probably doesn’t love you that much.

It may be annoying, Hadley, but it’s a small, small price to pay for a healthy relationship. Pick up the phone and let her know you’re turning over a new leaf.

15
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Comments:

  1. 1
    Michael

    First, keep in mind that after one year, you two are no longer “daters.” You’re in more or less a committed relationship, and if you don’t want that you had better tell her so. This is about the time where she’ll want to know where your relationship is going (or at least that it’s moving forward), so make sure you’ve thought about that.

    But if you DO want to stay in this relationship, keep in mind that when she calls you, that “counts” as the “call of the day.” (If she never calls you but expects you to call her every day, well, there’s an underlying issue there you may need to address.)

    If you’ve been with a woman for a year, you two certainly must always have some kind of plan in the works, or something that’s going on in your life or hers that might require a question or discussion – talking regularly shouldn’t need to be like, “um, so, er, how’s it going?”

    Use these calls to get to know your girlfriend – it not only makes her feel more cared-for, as Marc says, but when you really pay attention, you’ll get information that can be valuable to you – she’ll feel like like you really “get” her, and, that can pay off big in, say, the bedroom.

  2. 2
    SWF42

    The girlfriend uses the “if you loved me you would….” line and that’s okay???!!???

    Once he starts calling her every day, because she said he has to, what else is she going to demand he do…if he loves her?

    Geez, ‘girlfriend,’ manipulate much?

  3. 3
    Sue

    “Women crave connection.” You’ve hit the topic right on the head. It’s a man/woman difference thing.

    I can’t speak for *every* woman, but I’ll bet this fits for most. Reassure us with that good night call, check in to see how our day went, just to say hi and you were thinking of us, and it will relieve *a lot* of insecurities. Get rid of those insecurities and you’ll see more of real woman you want to get to know better – if that’s your long term goal in the relationship.

    Have a short and sweet conversation and leave us smiling. Michael’s right, there might be great returns on the investment.

    Please don’t do this to play a head game

  4. 4
    mrs. vee

    I think what we’re seeing is a fundamental difference starting to reveal itself here. It seems to me, Hadley, that you and your girlfriend differ in terms of how integrated into each others’ lives you think a couple oughtta to be.

    By my experience, this is the sort of thing that starts small and then snowballs into larger issues surrounding commitment and readiness for marriage.

    Underlying her demands to talk with you everyday is a standard of togetherness she may have in her mind. If she’s at all marriage-minded, she’s holding an ideal picture in her head of you coming home to her each day, talking about the goods and bads of the day’s events, and making mundane decisions together in marital bliss. That’s the yardstick she may be using to measure the health of your relationship and looking for interactions that have that sort of flavor to them.

    If, on the other hand, you think your relationship is great exactly where it is right now – and I’d venture to guess it’s one where you “hang out” well with each other; she’s like a a good buddy who looks good on your arm and you have great sex together – well that’s a perfectly accepptable attitude for a guy to have. Except that you and your girlfriend don’t share the same perception of the relationship. She wants to maneuver the relationship to fit her ideals, while you want to do what it takes to maintain status quo.

    So really, I’d say follow Evan’s advice only if your intent is to get closer to your girlfriend in the longterm sense that she presumably hopes for. If that’s something you want too, then recognize the act of calling her every day as a means to achieve that end rather than a chore. If however, you really think that having to talk to her every day is a drag, then I can only imagine how the thought of coming home to her every day must be unthinkable for you. Then I’d say consider letting her go out of fairness to her. You can’t change her either.

  5. 5
    Andrea

    I somehow got through almost 31 years before I heard the following advice, passed to me by someone who’d heard it from their father:
    “Would you rather be happy or would you rather be right?”

    Daily calls could merely be reassurance to her, or cozy habit. If it makes her feel better, just do it.

    It does bother me that she says, “If you really loved me you would want to rather than feel like you have to” and I can see why that would make you want to do the opposite. The “If you really loved me” line is bullshit. Logically, one’s love does not hinge one one item. If a guy pulled that on me I’d call him on that bullshit before reassuring him.
    (Though I’m not sure that a guy would say it. If he did he’d lose man credibility, prompting me to mock him with, “Are you now the girl in this relationship??” But anyway…)

    To answer Hadley’s question regarding “phone call frequency”: We all have our own needs. No one’s needs matter but your girlfriend’s. Comparing is pointless.

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  8. 6
    BeenThruTheWars

    If your girlfriend were a friend of mine and someone who would willingly take advice, I would ask her to read “The Art of War for Lovers” — and learn from it how and why to contain her insecurities, to give you some space and independence, and to make sure she continues to maintain her own life and interests. Even if you two do get married in a year or so, she will need to do that to avoid becoming a clinging violet and driving you out to spend more time with the boys than with her. I would also hand her “Mars and Venus on a Date” to read, so she understands the stages of dating you’re moving through and why she’s turning you off and creating conflict with this “demand” you are justifiably resisting. I suspect that if she stopped asking you to call, cold turkey, and just got busy and seemed happy with her life and with you and what you give her, things would relax between you and you would find yourself WANTING to call her every day, twice on Sunday. It wouldn’t feel like an obligation anymore, it would feel like something you were choosing to do out of love. It would bring you closer, whereas her current behavior is driving a wedge between you. I’d also have her read the original “Men Are from Mars… ” book to understand how she is smothering you with her neediness.

    This is why I am such an advocate of The Rules and John Gray; their approaches help a woman understand that the more you can accommodate a man’s need for independence by not pressuring or clinging to him, the more he wants to move toward you and the more you get the desired behavior of more affection/contact. The majority of women really don’t get that, and it’s sad because it causes so much conflict in otherwise sound relationships.

    I’ve only used the “If you really loved me… ” line in the context of over the top humor, as in, “If you really loved me, you’d end the fighting in the Middle East.” It’s a deadly line to use in a serious context, right up there with “You always” and “You never.” Just bad form.

    I wish you both luck, and if this is the only problem between the two of you at the one year mark (and such a solvable problem with a bit of attitude adjustment on her part) you should have many happy years in front of you.

    Maybe you could try the following script with her: “Babe, I do love you, a LOT. I think about you all the time. I’m crazy about you. I just don’t always pick up a phone to prove it, but that doesn’t mean anything is wrong or that I love you any less. It just means I’m off doing ‘guy stuff.’ Don’t take it personally if I forget to call sometimes. If you want me to call every day, I will — but it makes me feel like I’m checking in with the warden and it’s creating some resentment which isn’t cool, so if you will work with me on this one, I promise I will do my best to let you know how cherished you are when we do talk. How do you feel about that?” Not “what do you think” but “how do you feel” (wording is important). And see what she says. Try to get to the root of where her intractable demand is coming from — is it really insecurity or are there some control issues; or are other people telling her that you “need” to call her every day because that’s what their husbands did, etc.? See if you can get to the bottom of 1) why she does it, 2) what need of hers is going unfulfilled by giving you a little more alone time once in a while, 3) what you can do to fill that need without having resentment build up inside you. If you’re mature enough to be together for a year, you’re mature enough to have a loving, two-way dialogue like this.

    1. 6.1
      Belinda

      Thank you for sharing that advice. It’s exactly what I needed to hear. So much so that 4 chapters into Love and the Art of War I just had to interrupt to say thank you :) 

    2. 6.2
      Natasha

      Thanks for the tip on The Art of War for Lovers.  My guy and I are long distance and the neediness and constant calling is driving me up a wall.  We’ve been together for a year and not a single day has passed that we don’t talk.  I feel like I am the guy in the relationship.  My life is really full and busy with work, school, two kids.  He’s a bachelor with no kids and just his job.  I am not a phone person and talking 4-5 times a day because I “should want to instead of have to” makes me crazy.  I would rather save it all up and have a long conversation at the end of the day hen I am unwinding instead of trying to cram in a phone call in the few minutes I have before my next meeting or class or appointment.  I just want the mental break of being able to think (0r not think) without filling that time multitasking between whatever else I am doing and a pointless conversation about nothing because he needs to connect.

    3. 6.3
      KiKi

      ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!  she needs to back off and relax the craziness…

  9. 7
    Damie

    I dunno. Anytime I’ve ever had a guy get irritated because he felt he had to do something out of obligation it was a sign things weren’t right. And that’s not to say they couldn’t GET right, but if you are feeling like she’s your mom because she wants you to call just wait til she starts asking you to pick up your socks or do the dishes.

  10. 8
    Susie

    Another option: call when you know she can’t answer, just to say hi. She’ll know you were thinking about her, but you won’t really be checking in. Maybe I’m just not that feminine, but I don’t feel like I need to talk to the guy I’m dating every day. On the other hand, I like getting a good morning email from him. I know he’s thinking of me, but we both are busy. I know he likes getting to work and finding a good night/ good morning email I sent late the night before.

    On the other hand, you have to do what works for both of you. Since the daily phone call is something she apparently needs, you’ll have to suck it up or she’ll continue to be unhappy. It soulds like she’s taking that unhappiness out on you, so it’s really to your benefit to call. (“If you really loved me…” is playing dirty, in my book.)

    And please, please, please, BeenThruTheWars, throw out The Rules and John Gray! The Rules are an arbitrary system of manipulation for women to use to play “hard-to-get”, and John Gray is painfully reductionist. One size does not fit all, and too many self-help books assume that all women are one way, and all men are another. Complexity and variety are what makes the world interesting.

  11. 9
    Andrea

    Susie said:
    “…I dont feel like I need to talk to the guy Im dating every day. On the other hand, I like getting a good morning email from him. I know hes thinking of me, but we both are busy. I know he likes getting to work and finding a good night/ good morning email I sent late the night before.”

    I’ll validate that. I’m the same way. I get used to regular emails and regular back and forth during the day as time permits but daily phone calls don’t work for me.

    Also, I’m one of those people who needs a purpose for a phone call, and something to discuss. “‘How are you?’ ‘I’m fine thanks, how are you?’ ‘Fine, thank.’ ‘*awkward silence while we think about discussion topics*’ doesn’t work for me. I even sometimes tell my mother, after phone silence, “Um, did you have something you want to discuss, or…?” and her and I speak a few times a week.

    (For the record, I also don’t like the “Whatcha thinking?” question. :) )

  12. 10
    Jill

    Andrea – “For the record, I also dont like the Whatcha thinking? question.” Oh yeah I HATE that one! I have way too many scattered thoughts per moment to be able to choose an appropriate one with which to answer!

  13. 11
    Evan Marc Katz

    Since you guys brought it up, please go to Chemistry.com and check out their Great Mate Debate where I’m blogging about this very question this week: “Why do men hate it when women ask, ‘What are you thinking?’

    My answer should be up on Monday or Tuesday

    http://chemistry.typepad.com/the_great_mate_debate/

    Your comments on the Chemistry piece are greatly appreciated.

  14. 12
    Andrea

    Heh.
    I brought up “Whatcha thinking” to be cheeky because it seems like a “typical girl” move that a lot of us women can’t stand.

    It reminds me of a scene in Gilmore Girls that I once saw. In it, Lorelei explained her “million thoughts a minute” thought process (though didn’t refer to it as such). It was basically a mental tangent in which one though leads to another to another until there have been many thoughts in a short time span and the final thought has absolutely nothing to do with the first and there’s no way to even explain them all in a logical manner or without sounding crazy. It was funny, and so, so true. Sounds like Jill knows what I’m talking about.

  15. 13
    Kat Wilder

    I agree with BeenThruTheWars … to a point. That Mars/Venus stuff is too pop psych for me (and Mr. Gray lives round these parts.)

    Your approach — to have an honest dialog — is a great one. One, because she can hear how her demand makes you feel (whe probably isn’t aware of that), two, you can express yourself in a safe, loving space and three, because it opens up communication on expectations. This is huge because if you do eventually marry, expectations seem to multiply like bunnies. Better to start off with an established pattern of being open and honest with each other than doing something to please the other while building up resentments.

    True, it isn’t much to call because you know it pleases her. And, true, you should be very clear about why you hesitate to do that because she wants you to (like mom), or because you just don’t want to do it. But talking about it honestly is the way to a much healthier relationship.

  16. 14
    downtowngal

    Finally a good question from a guy about a really good relationship topic. I hear from guys they’re always wondering what makes women happy – well, here’s a woman telling Hadley what she wants. And if he’s unsure then perhaps he should evaluate what he wants.

    Women like attention. Even if it’s a short, sweet email, it means more to us than no contact for a couple of days. When she says “If you loved me you would….” she’s questioning whether you are truly committed to the relationship or to fulfilling her needs.

    Ongoing contact demonstrates to her that you’re committed to supporting her emotional needs, something women value as an integral component of intimacy.

  17. 15
    Jenny

    Stop worrying about checking in with your girlfriend, and get some real dialogue going with her about it and get to the bottom of it. Then do check in with your real mom and see if that has something to do with your worries.

  18. 16
    lilly

    ooooo am having this issue with my boyfriend right now actually – yeah i just want to know im being thought about and loved. yes we ARE insecure and if we feel totally loved then e wouldnt need the calls maybe. well done for posting the wuestion – maybe il forwardd it to my boyfriend.

  19. 17
    Lyn

    I agree with connectedness —we want to feel connected — but personally, a 5 minute, a 2 minute call … (at least for me) that says “hey baby i know i am not into calling everyday — but i at least wanted to say i am thinking about you ” beats a half hour, or an hour conversation. Because, that, in my opinion, is connectedness. An every other day 20/30/40 minute call, is normal, and expected. With all due respect, the whole “if you love me you’d call me EVERY DAY” is emotional manipulation. At least, if a guy said that to me, I would feel manipulated, and would be turned off. Nonetheless, not everyone feels that way….

  20. 18
    James

    I now know why my girlfriend wasn’t impressed when I called 2 hours later than expected. I had no idea. My feelings for her couldn’t possibly change in 24 hours, so I feel a little gobsmacked if it means she thinks they could. However, if it makes her happy I’ll try to phone every day. I’d best set the alarm on my mobile though!
    Collectively, thanks for your various perspectives, I hope it works out for you all.

  21. 19
    Jessica

    I’m surprised that no one other than Evan commented on Hadley’s supposition that “And the folks who post seem to be halfway intelligent.” Halfway, huh? ; )

    The words “supposed to” in his question really say it all. No one is eager to do something they are supposed to do or have to do versus something they want to do. Need to do is a gray area as it can be both a want to, and a have to. Those of you who suggested ways he could make it a genuine want or to his benefit, all gave good advice in my opinion. As did the people who said it shouldn’t have to be part of a caveat … Just his girlfriend stating her wishes, needs and wants and then Hadley deciding if he can and will meet them in accordance with his own wishes, needs and wants. Compromise is underrated and under practiced, but it is a very necessary component of a working relationship as is real communication. I hope you all found a resolution to this issue Hadley – one that worked for both of you.

  22. 20
    Hadley Paige

    Jessica writes “Compromise is underrated and under practiced, but it is a very necessary component of a working relationship”

    Compromise. Yes, its an important element of a successful relationship. But depending on the expectations of the parties to the “negotiations”, the resulting compromise is not necessarily satisfying for either party. And the cumulative effect of all the compromises may land both parties in the middle of nowhere.

    Modern American women expect/demand more from their significant others than in the past. That is bc (statistically speaking) they are making more money/have more options/live in a society with a bigger social safety net/are more independent than in the past. They need men less (if at all) for support/protection. Thus emotional satisfaction takes a much larger share of the “what I want from him in order to make me happy” pie. Expecting/demanding more means (I infer) that less men will succeed (If I understand the average guy) in meeting these expectations.

    Broadly speaking women love to talk. Men don’t. (ave daily spoken word: women approx 20K; men 7K) Personally, I am tired of talking (and talking and talking) and compromising on seemingly everything. What I want is a woman who (i) largely accepts me as I am; (ii) is happy (or at least content) to get from me what I am willing to give; and (iii) (unless its REALLY important to her) leaves me alone about the seemingly endless minor issues.

  23. 21
    J

    Negotiations are for business deals and piece treaties. If compromising is turning into major negotiations, then you are right Hadley, it is a lot of work and probably too much work. It shouldn’t be that hard most of the time if a relationship is working and equitable – for both of you. Not that you don’t have to work on it and even, at it, sometimes and do so throughout to keep it not just going, but strong. If it is too hard most of the time, then it isn’t good. If it requires constant whatever, then it probably isn’t solid either. Or, if one or both people FEELS like it is constant compromise, constant struggle, constant criticism or whatever, then for them, it is too much (not worth what that individual is getting out of it – or what they feel they are sacrificing or not getting out of it) because it isn’t within the range that person feels is desirable or acceptable as to his or her personal definition(s)/requirements of what a relationship or marriage or whatever should be – then it isn’t, whether the other person feels that way or not. You won’t always agree or want the same things, or have equal give and take. Still have to at least have compatible ideas and expectations more often than not, or it does come down to negotiating – where one person theoretically seems to win and one loses. And I think that would kind of suck.

  24. 22
    downtowngal

    Hadly: “Modern American women expect/demand more from their significant others than in the past.”

    ..compared to when? And what does having careers or money have to do with it? If anything it would make us LESS demanding from a material standpoint, but the emotional component is still the key element as it has always been.

    So that said, what exactly are women in this country demanding from relationships than our mothers did in their time? If my dad ignored my mother I doubt I they would have lasted 40 years and had 2 kids.

    If you consider calling your girlfriend on a regular basis too demanding then perhaps you should consider whether being in a relationship is the right thing for you.

  25. 23
    Hadley Paige

    Downtown girl writes: “what does having careers or money have to do with it? If anything it would make us LESS demanding from a material standpoint, but the emotional component is still the key element as it has always been.

    You have a point. I now clarify what I meant to say. Modern women are perhaps less demanding in the material realm, but I believe are much more demanding in the emotional realm.

    “but the emotional component is still the key element as it has always been”.

    I must respectfully disagree with this observation. The notion of romatic love being the woman’s primary (key) basis for marriage is a relatively modern one. Woman have historically chosen husbands primarily based upon the man’s ability to provide for them and their children and the man’s ability to protect them. Of course the man had to be kind, but being primarily motivated by love was viewed as misguided and unwise.

    There is a fairly direct correlation between women’s full legal integration into society (last 100 yrs or so) (as well as the growth of the socialist state which provides a substatial social safety net to catch women and their children who discover that for whatever reason they don’t want to be with their husband) and the degree to which women emphasize love as the primary basis for marriage over the good provider/protector role.

    “what exactly are women in this country demanding from relationships than our mothers did in their time?” The difference between you and your mother is probably not that great in terms of your priorities with respect to the husbands you seek and what they can provide to you. But if you look at your grandmother and great grandmother the difference (i believe) would be readily apparent.

    “If you consider calling your girlfriend on a regular basis too demanding then perhaps you should consider whether being in a relationship is the right thing for you.” Regular basis is not exactly the the point. Calling every day is what I was talking about. Once a week is also “on regular basis”.

    SO downtown girl, It sounds like you believe I am misguided for wanting and waiting for a woman who is content with what I got to offer and am willing to give. Do you?

  26. 24
    downtowngal

    Hadley P: “The difference between you and your mother is probably not that great in terms of your priorities with respect to the husbands you seek and what they can provide to you. But if you look at your grandmother and great grandmother the difference (i believe) would be readily apparent. ”

    Actually both sets of my grandparents have been married for years and were much in love until they died. I remember both of my grandmothers telling me stories of how they fell in love; and both gave me advice on not settling for someone who doesn’t show me the attention I deserve.

    Years ago many women stayed in unhappy marriages because they had little choice economically. And many still do today.

    If you find the woman of your dreams and she’s ok with hearing from you once per week than I wish you the best of luck.

  27. 25
    Selena

    If some guy only called me once a week, I wouldn’t consider him my boyfriend–I consider him” the guy who calls me once a week”. Oh, Hadley’s on the phone, it must be Friday.

    Both my grandmothers married for love and they would be over 100 yrs. old now if they were still living. Though I don’t see what the reason grandmothers and great-grandmothers married has to do with someone who wants to talk to her boyfriend everyday. What’s up with all the Sociology 101 on these threads?

  28. 26
    yuki

    Hadley, you sound an awful lot like verbosity. Hmmm. ;) Note to self: avoid the ad hominemnemum.

    I too hope you find yourself a nice girl content with your arrangement.

    I trust you realize how rare it is to find a woman with the emotional make-up you require.

    Both my grandmothers – and great-granny too- married for love. I couldn’t tell what point you were trying to advance anyway.

  29. 27
    Hadley Paige

    To: Downtowngirl; Selena: Yuki

    Yuki: “I couldnt tell what point you were trying to advance anyway.” The point I was trying to make was that women today place greater emotional demands upon their men than historically.

    Logical note to Downtowngirl; Selena: Yuki : The fact that all of you know ancestors who say (not necessarily true, and possibly colored by the passage of time) they married primarily for love is anecdotal.The stated results of your interviews in no way contradict my general assertion that historically ( don’t really mean the last 50 years), women (by which I imply a meaningful majority) marrying primarily for love was unusual.

    Yuki: The fact that Verbosity & I sound similar is bc (I think) that we are both lawyers who are trained to think logically and rationally, rather than viscerally arrive at opinions. Lawyers tend to understand Logic better and hence are more aware of logical fallacies and pitfalls. (Like the logical flaw of a small sample size (your parents and grandparents) leading to an inductively arrived at general statement of observation>>e.g. most women married historically married for love.

    Selena: ” what’s up w sociology 101?” In order for one to understand if one’s behavior is reasonable or not, it is useful to have a societal context with which to compare it to. No?

  30. 28
    verbosity

    Interesting points. BTW, Yuki, Hadley P & downtowngal had a nice, very civil exchange of different views which they clarified. I’d suggest you actually look up what ad hominem means on Wiki so you’ll know it when you see it.

    There are a couple of tensions I see here…SWF42 mention mentioned manipulation (if you really loved me…”) as a factor. Others mentioned craving connection as a factor.

    I think people of both sexes who are happy about themselves and self-assured do not really have this issue. There would be no need to demand that someone call you daily, particularly if they already do not enjoy it. I think once per week, particularly if you are ‘exclusive’ is also probably a bit too long of a pause also. I share SWF’s view on this though. Something doesn’t smell right with that tactic.

  31. 29
    verbosity

    Also, the thought just occurred…

    He could say “If you really loved me you’d respect what I’ve told you about checking in with my mom. Love and respect are 2 way streets. You can’t have 1 without the other”

    By the way, his gut’s telling him something is off about this girl and this insecure (dare I say immature?) demand. He should listen to it.

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