The Secret to Keeping a Man: Forget the Future, Enjoy the Present

When you’re on the phone with women for 4 hours a day, you tend to hear a lot of recurring themes.

One of the most prominent themes is a “high-class” problem; in other words, if you’re having this issue, it means you’re doing very well with men.

Maureen and Cassie could not be more different as people, but they both have the agonizing problem of finding a man who absolutely adores them after less than one month of one-on-one coaching.

Immediately, our conversations turn from, “Why are there no good men out there?!” to “How can I calm down and make sure I don’t ruin it with this great guy?”

Both of them, unfortunately, had it quite backwards.

Because of their own fear – of being abandoned, of being not-good-enough, of being too old, too rigid, too masculine – they seriously ran the risk of alienating their new men.

Until I reminded them of a core principle in “Why He Disappeared”: men do what they want to do.

If we want to call you, we’ll call you.

If we want to introduce you to our family, we’ll introduce you to our family.

If we want to take down our profiles and commit, we’ll do it.

Which is why, when Maureen and Cassie breathlessly asked me to tell them what to do next, the answer couldn’t be more simple: NOTHING!!!

“Doing something” means you’re trying to keep your emotional tether alive, to nudge him into calling you, seeing you, committing to you.

The great thing about men is this: We don’t need to be nudged!

But the great thing about men is this: We don’t need to be nudged!

So when it’s been 10 hours and you haven’t gotten a reply to his text, you let it go.

When it’s Thursday night and he hasn’t called to see you on Saturday, you let it go.

It’s three weeks into dating and his profile’s up, you let it go.

Why? Wouldn’t it make more sense to call him, text him, and see him so he doesn’t lose interest in you?

Nope. All you do when you “nudge” a man to take action is let him know that he’s in control, you’re desperate and needy, and that you don’t trust that he knows what’s good for him.

The truth is, if you’re the right woman for him, you don’t NEED to nudge him.

Remember what it’s like when a guy’s excited about you?

The RIGHT guy steps up to the plate and commits to you in the first couple of months. The WRONG guy never escalates his efforts.

He calls, he follows through, he’s thoughtful, he’s chivalrous, he’s gentlemanly, he WANTS a commitment with you.

But sometimes it takes a few weeks for us to figure all of that out for ourselves.

Remember, men like to “buy”. We don’t want to be “sold”.

Anything you do to amp up the pressure for him to make a decision is just going to drive him away – the exact OPPOSITE reaction you want from your man.

But that leaves you with the same burning question: “what should I DO, Evan?”

Ah, the answer couldn’t be simpler:

Make your PRESENT so amazing that he WANTS to have a FUTURE with you.

It’s not about finding out in week 1 whether he wants to live in the city or the country, or hoping he says “I love you” by week 4.

Those are things you’ll deal with later.

For now, just have fun.

Laugh. Say yes. Be easygoing. Smile. Fool around. Enjoy the moment.

You never have more leverage over a man than when he’s CHOSEN you of his own accord, when he’s EMOTIONALLY INVESTED in you because he FEELS so happy every time he’s around you.

And if he’s receiving texts that say, “Where are you?!” or late night calls that plead, “Where is this going?”, you’re not making him feel too good in the present.

My wife was ALWAYS in the present and that’s why she’s my wife. Because she enhances my life and doesn’t provide emotional drama when it’s unnecessary.

Since he CAN’T know after a few weeks whether you’re “the one”, just relax and enjoy the ride. The RIGHT guy steps up to the plate and commits to you in the first couple of months. The WRONG guy never escalates his efforts.

It’s REALLY easy to tell the difference so you don’t invest more than 8 weeks in a relationship that’s a dead-end.

But in order to get a relationship off the ground, you HAVE to put off all fears, all nudging, and all thoughts of your future and just ENJOY the present.

He’ll know what to do next. I promise.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Joe

    As always, the person with the most power in a relationship is the one who cares the least. By caring whether or not someone calls or texts you right away, you’re putting yourself in a weaker position.

    Note that it’s possible to care for someone without caring about the little details, like how soon s/he calls you back.

  2. 2
    Jane

    Evan – I agree – the best thing to do, particularly early in the dating stage, is to relax. They should also keep in mind that they are in the position of doing the choosing as well. Rather than getting caught up in the excitement of being chosen and feeling wanted, they need to remember that it’s a two way street, and keep a clear head so that they can avoid going too far down the path with a guy that’s just not the right one for them. There’s no way they can know that this guy’s “the one” yet either!

    So instead of letting their insecurities get the best of them, they is actually something the can “do” – live their own lives. Enjoy the dates with the men, enjoy the interactions with them (the phone calls, texts, etc.), but in between those dates and interactions, get out and do the things they enjoy – live life. Follow their passions. Spend time with people they love and care about. Try new things. This will keep them from getting stuck in their own heads thinking too much and overanalyzing the whole situation, which can make women make bad decisions.

    1. 2.1
      Megan

      -Very- well said!

  3. 3
    Heather

    Evan, this is so spot on. My girlfriend, I’ll call her Lisa, has been dating someone for almost five years. He moved back to the Midwest where he is from, almost three years ago, she’s been here in the Washington DC area. So it has been long distance for 3 years. He had never, ever brought up the subject really, of the future, until she asked, last year. For the last year, he has stalled, put off a decision, won’t talk to her.

    I’ve been trying to tell her this, that if he were Mr. Right, he’d not have waited around for five years to do something about their future. He’d have put a ring on her finger a couple of years ago.

    I wish she’d read this article and realize what’s up. My heart aches, when I watch her go through this, when she could be done with this and just end it with him. If I were in her shoes, I certainly would.

    Me, I’ve been dating somebody for four months, and he brought up the subject of marriage in general, and I made it perfectly clear that I am in no rush, and not a girl who’s going to flip out if I don’t have a ring in 9 months. Ick. I figure I will let him make the moves. And if he doesn’t, well after the 3 year mark, I will have to let him know then, that continuing to date with no end in sight is not acceptable. But until then, I’m just enjoying the now, and see what happens.

  4. 4
    Heather

    @ Joe:

    Bingo. I heard that line in a movie and realized I needed to adopt more of that attitude. I’ve developed much more of a “Whatever, I don’t care what you guys do, I’m good, no matter what” attitude. It’s saved me a lot of heartache. Because if I care the most, I’m the one with the least amount of power, and more likely to get hurt. And I’m not going to put myself in that position again.

  5. 5
    nathan

    There is something off about this “don’t care at all” shift in the conversation. I actually agree with what Evan said here (shocker, eh?). And I don’t think he is saying “adopt a don’t care attitude.” What I hear him saying is lighten up, enjoy yourself, stop projecting far into the future, and experience dating as dating.

    Dating isn’t about a power play. It’s not a war, although a lot of people seem to act like it is. It’s about learning about the other person, seeing if you can get along, can have fun together, and are supportive of each other on a basic level.

    When Evan says “let it go” to those thing he listed, I’d add “and pay attention.” Instead of prodding and pushing, you just notice if that missed call or text matters in the big scheme of things. Whether there’s a pattern of not caring, or whether it’s just that the guy shows care differently. The reality is that much of the time, we’re caught in judging every last move we don’t like as a sign that someone isn’t “into us” or is “an ass.” It’s that instant judgement, and an impatience around defining the relationship, that keeps people from enjoying dating, and also paying attention enough to make a good decision when the time comes to.

    1. 5.1
      Pepper Tan

      I like what you said, “just notice if that missed call or text matters in the big scheme of things”. Oftentimes, I use that as a yardstick to see if he measures up. I forget to see the other things he does which prove his love for me.

    2. 5.2
      Megan

      Couldn’t have said it better myself :)

  6. 6
    Martha

    If your dating a guy and he does not text back or even if your not dating a person and they don’t text back, isn’t that a clear indication that they are not that into you or they have other blockers in their life that make a relationship with you impossible? If two people like each other it will flow and the obsessive contact shouldn’t be necessary. As an older person I don’t understand the “rush” some people have towards marriage. There is time and if it is going to happen then be patient because even if you marry there is no guarantee it will last.

  7. 7
    Millie

    Never were truer words spoken (or written). My current beau and I have been dating for two glorious years. I would have totally messed up the relationship had I not purchased and devoured “Why He Disappeared” word for word. Men truly do what they want. The beauty in my relationship is that HE wanted to commit to me, and now, HE wants to marry me. We have a private joke that the only reason we are not engaged is because every Saturday morning, I am headed off to perform community service instead of headed off to a local jewelry store to look at rings – as HE has requested. I did not have to push, nudge, threaten, or deliver one single ultimatum. HE arrived at the conclusion that he wanted me to be his wife. We are both professionals in our late thirties, and this will be a first (and hopefully only) marriage for both of us. Thanks, Evan. I will send you a pic from our wedding day. Guess I need to make time to clear my Saturday schedule soon!

  8. 8
    Margo

    This says it all. Very good article and advise.

  9. 9
    Brenda

    I agree with both Evan AND Joe.

  10. 10
    Karl R

    I have to agree with nathan (#5). Even though Joe (#1) is technically correct, he’s still wrong.

    Five years ago I went on a first date with someone I met on Match.com. She had five pictures that looked like four different people (three of those people weren’t attractive). I was ambivalent about the first date before it started. I was less enthusiastic when I met her face-to-face. When she opened her mouth and started to talk, I lost all interest in her.

    She was clearly interested in me, clearly attracted to me, and clearly wanted the date to go well. Joe correctly noted that I had ALL the power in that relationship.

    And I had NO desire to exercise it.

    If I have a relationship that I don’t care about, with a partner I don’t care about, have I achieved anything? If your goal is to be the one with the power, that’s the “prize” you end up with.

  11. 11
    SoPhi

    This couldn’t be timelier for me. I have been dating a great guy for the past 6 weeks, he calls and texts every day like clockwork, he makes plans every friday. We spend most of last weekend and its terrific. Ever since the weekend I have become anxious and have texted him during the day. I needed this as a gentle nudge to relax and enjoy getting to know him.

  12. 12
    helene

    I think there will always be an imbalance of power in favour of the man in the early stages of dating, for one simple reason: women don’t date people they are not seriously interested in. Men, apparently, do. For a guy to even get to date 2 with a woman, she has to be pretty interested. For a woman to get to date 2 with a man, all she has to do is be someone he could stomach having sex with…and apparently most men can stomach having sex with pretty much any woman with a pair of boobs and the use of all 4 limbs!
    My point is this: whether you call or not, text or not, act cool or not, he already KNOWS you’re into him….or else you wouldn’t agree to see him at all. As for us gals, it takes a lot longer to know if a guy is into us, since even the ones who aren’t into us will happily date us for a while if they think they might get to have sex. I am an advocate of the “do nothing” school of thought, but don’t fool yourself into thinking this give you any power – it doesn’t!

    1. 12.1
      Cheryl

      SPOT ON!!!

  13. 13
    Mia

    Helene, you are absolutely right, except I’d change the threshold from second date to fourth since I try to be open minded even with guys I’m not attracted to for the first couple times they ask me out. I used to always Feel like I was the one disproportionately rejected until realizing I wrong date or sleep with guys I don’t like, I just reject them from the very beginning when there is zero emotional investment. It seems do unfair that women have to deal with rejection after feelings are already involved.

  14. 14
    Karl R

    helene said: (#12)
    “women don’t date people they are not seriously interested in. Men, apparently, do. For a guy to even get to date 2 with a woman, she has to be pretty interested. For a woman to get to date 2 with a man, all she has to do is be someone he could stomach having sex with…”

    How do you decide that you’re seriously interested in someone whom you’ve only known for a few hours?

    Perhaps you’re sabotaging your efforts by trying to make a serious decision with a trivial amount of data.

    At the end of the first date, I’m well aware that I’ve only learned a trivial amount about the woman. I’m not in a position to make a serious decision about her. Therefore I limit myself to two trivial decisions:
    1. Is she attractive enough to have sex with?
    2. Is she sufficiently fun to be worth spending a few more hours with?

    I’ll wait until I actually get to know her before I decide whether she’s a keeper.

    I know some women who haven’t put such high expectations on the second date. One woman went out with me, but didn’t expect things to progress past the first date or two. It ended up being her longest relationship at that time and only ended because we had incompatible long-term goals. She later told me, “I didn’t expect that I’d actually *like* you.” Talk about low expectations.

    It was a great relationship while it lasted. And it happened because she actually took the time to figure out whether she liked me before saying “No.”

    Another woman had NO interest in a serious relationship with me. She told me that to my face. (I wasn’t strongly considering a serious relationship with her, so I wasn’t particular bothered by this statement.) But she thought a fling might be fun (and implied as much to me). So we enjoyed each other’s company and got to know each other better.

    She’s now my fiancée.

    You don’t have to start out with a fling in order to enjoy the present. (I don’t even recommend it.) Laughter and conversation are sufficient. But let me put this more strongly than Evan did.

    You’re making STUPID decisions. You’re trying to plan for the next several years during the first few HOURS.

    Kick back and enjoy the first few dates. Take the time to learn something about the person you’re dating. If you turn out to be a bad match for each other, you can dump him a few weeks down the road.

  15. 15
    Mia

    Another way I try to make sure the guy is a good fit is to not try to play hard to get or feel like I can’t initiate contact once in awhile in the first couple months. I want the guy to like ME, not the chase, so I’ll call or text back reasonably quickly and initiate a call once in awhile. I totally agree with a lot of what Evan says but think some of this is flexible, that said the guy needs to be making an effort to ask you out and follow up.

  16. 16
    SusanC

    Now you sound like Rori Raye!! Except you make much more sense! I love your articles, Evan!
    However I think that it is impossible to know someone well enough to tell if it is a dead end in 8 weeks! There is so much to know about a person to determine if a relationship is worth investing in and there is no way 8 weeks even skims the top of the surface for that! I dated my fiance for 3 years before we got engaged. And we are having a long engagement before marriage because we both want to be SURE before we commit to a lifelong commitment. Our nation’s divorce rates stagger high because too many people make decisions too fast and then do not want to live with those decisions. People need to slow down and stop rushing things. Why hurry? You have the rest of your life to enjoy life with your partner!
    Which includes not rushing the process in the beginning of a relationship and just float on getting to know each other and enjoying the moment. This really is an excellent article that more people need to grasp.

  17. 17
    Ruby

    SusanC #16

    The 8 weeks time frame bothers me too. As long as the relationship is growing and you both are getting closer, who cares if it takes 6 weeks or 12 weeks to get there? I’ve had men rush into a relationship – or sex – with me very quickly, only to get spooked and run away after a brief time. In many ways, I think that slow and steady is a better model in the long term.

  18. 18
    JB

    @Helene #12 ” I think there will always be an imbalance of power in favour of the man in the early stages of dating”

    Really? Tell me how much power I have while I’m on a second date with a woman who’s getting 30 responses a day on Match to my 2 or 3 a week? Guess who has more “power”. The one with the most options of course and it’s not me or most men online unless of course they’re in that top 1% which most men aren’t.

    “Women don’t date people they’re not seriously interested in.”

    Yes a lot of them do. I’ve dated several women over the years who were casual daters and very ambivalent towards me and men in general unless they found “Mr.Whatever they’re looking for” and they were only too happy to casually “date around” in the meantime.

    As for me? I date women I’m not “seriously interested” in most of the time because the ones I would be seriously interested in won’t date me. So rather than be alone and celibate I have to casually date. It is what it is.

    1. 18.1
      jane

      @ JB #18
      You can make a difference when you choose:)
      and @karl R i strongly agree 

  19. 19
    sharon

    @JB
    But I have no idea how many guys in that 30 messages are looking for a one night stand or booty call. So you rake through all the profiles trying to find the least obviously sex oriented that you find attractive. Go on a couple dates (and for me after a couple dates I don’t know if I want to date you for years but I do know I want to date you exclusively for a while to figure it out.) So then there is this awful waiting game where I am completely powerless just waiting to find out if I’m rejected or not. The man in question regardless of my relationship potential is probably still saying what I want to hear and jumping through the standard dating hoops because he wants to get laid. And your probably dating a couple guys at once so anxiety magnified a couple times over. And generally for me being rejected in rapid in secession by multiple men I would consider dating generally is exhausting. All those messages in profile just drain the life out of me. 

  20. 20
    Joe

    @ Karl #10:
    I don’t get in your post where you think I’m wrong.  You did have all the power in that relationship (which I assume was brief, since I would expect you to not see that woman again).  My statement made no qualifications regarding achievement, only imbalance of power.  The imbalance may be small (the woman was interested enough to see you a second time but not sleep with you yet) or great (you could have had your way with her on that first date even though you weren’t interested in continuing the “relationship”).

  21. 21
    Heather

    Guys, whether you like it or not, as has been mentioned earlier, you DO have a lot of power. When I was on sites like Match.com (actually Match.com was the worst for this), there would be alot of guys responding…..but most of them knew how to play the game and tell me that they wanted a relationship, so they could get laid. I figured this out after a couple of months on the site and decided to get the hell outta Dodge.

    And finally, I decided to listen to that saying, and also my Mom, and not allow you guys to have so much power over me. I developed an attitude of, whatever, if you call, fine, if not, whatever, you’re not ruining my day, my life, whatever. My world will never revolve around some guy who very likely could break my heart. I developed my own life and hobbies.

    And you know what? It’s working. I love my boyfriend but I love me more. He’s told me that he loves my independence and fesisty nature and that I do not need a man. When we started dating, I made it clear that I had my own life, I would not ditch plans for him, and on the first date when he said he’d call later, I just smiled, said, “OK, that would be great!” and walked in my front door, without a single glance backward. And put him out of my mind, because I’ve heard too many men say they’d call and wouldn’t. I assumed he would not call. And keeping such low expectations was the best damn thing I could have ever done.

    There’s a saying that I will forever keep in my mind with dating: “Blessed is she who expects nothing. Because she will not be disappointed.”

    1. 21.1
      Miss K

      Just wanted to say Thankyou!! – I was scrolling through and read your comment –  the last sentence really struck a cord!! It’s my new mantra on dating!! What a light bulb moment!!! Thank you

  22. 22
    Helen

    I don’t think that it’s really productive for some commenters here to claim that they’re the powerless ones and that the opposite sex has more power. That is a victim mentality. All of us do have power. The mating game is not easy for anyone, for a variety of reasons that differ more among individuals than they do between sexes. But the very least, we always have the power to choose our responses. Waiting need not be just waiting; the time can be filled by meeting others and doing pleasurable activities that have nothing to do with dating. And if one spends too much time suspecting or resenting the opposite sex because of all their supposed power, it probably will backfire in terms of finding an LTR.

  23. 23
    Heather

    That’s my point, Helen, is that I had to get out of the victim mentality and stop letting men lead me around by the nose, if you will. I had to choose to stop that, and not let them hurt me anymore. My point is that guys have more power than they think they have, just like we women have more power than we think we have. We just have to find our voice and use it.

    I now know that I am not a victim, I can stand up for myself and what I want and need and not let a guy take over my life. And it’s been nothing but good. If a guy was a jerk to me on a date, I rejected further advances, or called him out for misbehaving. And it felt GREAT. I didn’t sit around feeling resentful or sad. If a guy treated me nicely, great, and it gave me the option to consider whether or not I wanted to see him again.

    And like you said, waiting need not be just waiting. Part of my new attitude was OK, I went on a date. NEXT! I’d continue talking to other men, meeting them, going out with my friends. If I got a text or call, wonderful. If not, well, I had my answer and that guy wasn’t going to ruin my day, because he’s just not that special. Nobody is that special and nobody should have the right to ruin your day, or live rent-free in your head, so to speak.

  24. 24
    Ria

    Ladies, this is classic by JB: “As for me? I date women I’m not “seriously interested” in most of the time because the ones I would be seriously interested in won’t date me. So rather than be alone and celibate I have to casually date. It is what it is.” Thats brilliant and this is what brings for some dating coaches (not talking of Evan here ) bread on the table and help to sell their books about “tips of how to make him commit more,” and “how to make him propose,” and “how to actually read his mind,” and “seduce,” and “turn tables around,” (when its actually wrong from the beginning.) So you see women following the “instructions, ” and it still does not work…Why – they wonder – as they look at their situation of dating a guy for like 5 years and no sign of him wanting propose?

    When all you have to do is actually keep it real, enjoy yourself and date in a pressure free manner, like Evan suggested.

    Again – I don´t mean my comment in a bad way at all, on the contrary, it is very well said by JD. Hit the nail.

  25. 25
    DinaStrange

    Reading the comments section, i am thinking no wonder we have such high divorce rate.

  26. 26
    helene

    @Karl – maybe I didn’t express myself well (oh, thse late-night postings…!) but what I meant by “seriously interested” in terms of going on a second date was “as seriously interested as you CAN be at that stage in a relationship” , which is to say, you can at least see a possible, potential LTR. I would not go on a second date with someone I definately COULD NOT see LTR potential with – and yes, you CAN know that very early on… If he announces he’s leaving the country in a few months/spends every second evening with his kids and ex wife / is much younger or older than he said in his profile or has some feature which is a dealbreaker which was not apparent from his profile, then I will not bother to go on a second date with him, even if he’s sexually attractive. Unless the POSSIBILITY of a LTR is there, I wouldn’t waste my time. My point was that I think a lot of women operate this way, whereas a lot of men don’t – they DO live in the present more (is she hot? can I sleep with her?) and worry about the other stuff further down the line, when you have already become involved. Obviously there are exceptions but I still maintain that if a guy gets a second or third date with a woman he can generally surmise that she would consider him as a long term partner if things continue to go well – a woman can make no such assumption about what’s going through a man’s mind!

  27. 27
    JB

    Yes Ria, I know you didn’t mean it in a bad way. I was honest but you have to remember I’m not 32 and looking to get married and start a family. I’m 51 and have no desire to be married. The women I date are divorced (some twice) and most of them aren’t looking for a husband. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love to be happy in a serious relationship. The woman I met 3 months ago who I would of gladly taken my profile down for and give it my all didn’t find me attractive and she took hers down for another guy. Yes, I had no power there. :-(

    So my life goes on and I date and have “fun” until I meet another “special one”.

  28. 28
    Karl R

    The concern about power (that some of you seem fixated on) is foolish and pointless.

    If I don’t care about a woman, then I don’t want a relationship with her.
    If a woman doesn’t care about me, then I don’t want a relationship with her.

    In this situation where you’re claiming a power balance exists, it’s a BAD relationship. End it already.

    Choose a different way to perceive power in a relationship. Both people in a relationship have *equal* power. They both have power over their own actions. They both have the ability to say “No.” The only power one person can unilaterally apply to the relationship is to terminate the relationship.

    The person who cares less is more likely to exercise that power. They’re doing both people a favor by ending a relationship that wasn’t working. You can even turn things around. About three years ago I had a date who kept cancelling on me. After the third time, I pointed out that she seemed disinterested in dating and broke things off. She didn’t care, so I exercised my power.

    I had better things to do with my time.

    As Heather said (#23), get out of the victim mentality. sharon (#19) talked about powerlessly waiting for weeks to find out whether she’d be rejected or not. Get out of your egocentric mindset. The man doesn’t know whether he’s going to be rejected either.

    The difference is, I never sat around powerlessly waiting for a woman to return my messages. I’d be reading, playing on my computer, going out dancing, exercising, getting together with friends, dating another woman…. Empower yourself. Find something to do.

    JB’s example (#18) of women having 100 times more options doesn’t correspond to reality. Online dating certainly provides the illusion that people have options. But I remember leaving Match.com because I had a few relationships in a row. When I got back on (15 months later), about 80% of the women who had turned me down were still actively looking.

    I’m sure they were getting contacted more often than I was. But did they really have more options than I did?

  29. 29
    Ria

    well – when the “fun” is only coffee´s, and dinner and all that light stuff, fair do. What happens in the situation, where one person is only considering a casual aproach, whilst another person develops hope and feelings, it ain´t fair. Yes, women often say things and mean other…But who says, life is fair anyway.

    Also, Karl, l agree with you – the option thing is overrated. Same as one might think that just because someone is “hot,” her or his dancecard lenght is from New Your to Tokyo and she or he has absolutely trouble free life when it comes to dating. Hell no. Like for instance a friend of mine met this hot 24 year old hot model, who complained that she is single and feels lonely most of the time (No, they didnt start dating after that, and my friend is still lonely as well, looking for the One:) so go figure.

  30. 30
    Jewel

    Heather, you would have been wiser telling him that you wish to marry again when you are in the right relationship for you. Saying you are in no rush to put a ring on your finger is giving away your feminine energy, because it is not you who puts the ring on, but HIM.

    Women have the power full stop, because women are the gatekeepers to sex. We are the ones who say yes or no to it. Men don’t.

    Oh and Karl, your fiancee has always had the power in your relationship and no doubt always will.

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