Where Do I Meet Single Men If I’m In My 40s?

I am 44 years old and entering the dating scene again for the first time in 25 years. Where do you go to meet someone at my age? I am not doing the online singles sites…that is just scary to me. I don’t go to church. I am new in town, with a few happily married friends.I have four grown who are trying to set me up (I love them, but what a nightmare!!). What do single people do at 40 and over? So much of my time was taken up with caring for someone else that now I just don’t know how to fill that time. Any suggestions?

Loriann

Thanks for highlighting an important principle for women over 40 seeking love:

You will not find it unless you do something differently.

You said it yourself. You’re new in town. Your friends are married. You don’t go to church. You won’t date online because it’s scary.

It’s about attracting men, understanding men, and making them want to stick around forever and ever. That’s what I do for my clients every single day.

What do you expect me to tell you? No, really. What?

Every day I get emails from women who want one-on-one dating coaching but don’t want to try online dating. I tell each one the same exact thing:

“If you’re dating a few men right now and can guarantee me that you’ll have at least one date a week for the duration of our time together, we can start coaching. If not, what exactly are we going to talk about for 12 weeks?”

They usually come back with a “Well, I thought, as a dating coach, you’d have some ideas on meeting men. Isn’t that what dating coaching is all about?”

No, that’s what articles in Marie Claire are all about:

“The Ten Top Spots to Meet Hot Guys!”

Here, I spared you the trouble of Googling it: The 14 Best Places to Meet Eligible Men

Without giving anything away, Loriann, here are the actual places that have been recommended by a site called AllWomensTalk: the bar, the market, online, church, the water cooler, newspapers, college, friends, the gym, restaurants, work, vacation, parks, airplanes.

Where does this leave you? Apparently, it means standing around a lot, hoping that a cute, age appropriate, interested single guy happens upon you at the bar, the market, college, the gym, restaurants, parks, and airplanes.

So if it’s not already abundantly clear, dating advice is not about WHERE to meet men. It’s about attracting men, understanding men, and making them want to stick around forever and ever. That’s what I do for my clients every single day.

As to where you meet men, yes, there’s one place that’s more effective in making introductions than 100 visits to Whole Foods and Art History class combined.

It’s called Match.com, it’s open 24 hours a day, and it costs a lot less than getting on a plane and hoping to sit next to a 45-year-old eligible bachelor.

…if you won’t go outside your comfort zone, I can pretty much assure you that nothing’s going to change.

I highly suggest you get over your fear of online dating, not because it’s perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but because it’s ubiquitous and effective in creating opportunity. Rather than dip your toe in the water and give up because you’re intimidated, I highly encourage you to check out Finding the One Online, in which I hold your hand through the entire online dating process, from getting over your fears, to choosing a website, to writing a profile, to flirting with men and so on.

You don’t have to be single if you don’t want to be, Loriann. But if you won’t go outside your comfort zone, I can pretty much assure you that nothing’s going to change.

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Comments:

  1. 151
    yannick

    Only dating is the worst place to meet, i am 44 met one women who was very below average she looked dirty like a cavewomen she insulted me telling me that i look a lot older then my age and she wanted a hot guy. Women online think they can get the hot men but they can’t because most of them look awful are out of shape even obese full of wrinkles, the one i met was 35 she looked like 45.

  2. 152
    Sharon Renyard

    I’m 46 & have been on my own (by choice) since my marriage ended 4 years ago. Was encouraged by friends to join a dating site so I did at the end of August. I look after myself & I’m in good shape for my age – I don’t even want anything serious, it would just be nice to have someone to go out & have fun with sometimes. I’ve only met 2 men & both were keen to go out more than once, said I was very attractive, exactly their type etc……..nothing physical happened. Then a few days later, not sure we’re right for each other!?!? So that’s put me off online dating. I know there are good ones out there but no idea where

  3. 153
    Verona

    I rather stay single then be in a relationship either the good guys are or not interested or want a women in her early 20’s I’m 34 I lost hope.

  4. 154
    MichelleKlein

    I want to tell my recent meeting a player story. I am successful woman in my 50’s, attorney never married no children thought I knew the score. Met a middle eastern man but could have been from any place. He acted very sweet initially but once he was settled here turned from a 50 year old divorced man with 4 children responsible and respectful to a lecturous playboy who is now a sociopath dating women young enough to be his daughter and plans to marry for a green card, not work, wants them to earn $200k, they will also cook and clean and he will order them around. Oh yes, and he tossed me out once I got him comfortable with the culture here and even asked me where to meet hot women. Plus he gave me an STD and that is ALL he ever gave me. I got played. Never thought it would happen but men change when they see who they can get here in the US.

  5. 155
    Carrie

    I’ve been single now for three years since the age of 38 and find the online dating scene to be a complete gong show. Like someone else had mentioned, 95% of men that make the effort to connect are in their late fifties, and the other 5% are young bucks, aka twenty somethings wanting the elusive cougar. I consider myself to be attractive, fit, intelligent and ready to meet someone for a great connection. The online dating scene has been pretty much the most humbling experience ever and has preyed on insecurities I never knew I even had. Sending messages and being ignored, getting stood up, investing time texting and chatting and then being ghosted, and endless creeps and sexual advances by strangers…Online dating is not for the the faint or heart or for those with fragile egos.

  6. 156
    Sylvia

    Sadly, I agree with most of these comments! 😞 I’m a 43 year old female (look 30s) with decent modern style sense living in Toronto and I love ❤ certain physical activities that should attract men and go to the gym 3-4 times a week. I’ve tried online dating for years (now mostly have an inactive profile because the men are gross physically and/mentally what they say) and haven’t had a date in 2 years! The only men I’ve met that were interested were young, one only wanted sex and the other doesn’t have it all together, and the third I didn’t technically meet since I gave him the cold shoulder whenever he stared (I know new, but I don’t deal rejecting ppls well), but we kept running into each other at work/gym/apt/subway building but he’s 12 years younger and that’s not what I want (I found his company profile, then googled his LinkedIn and did the math and based on his looks – we’re both Asian 😇😉). Wherever, I’ve gone to meet me already stated by all these comments (gym, Meetup, sports facilities/events are full of women and I’ve noticed now that I’m older full of older women, many in 50s! This really depresses me that I even stopped going out often because I’d feel sad that there weren’t average men and that I’d be stuck with a seniors crowd (no offense, nice groups, but not my cup of tea). 😞 My few single girlfriends feel the same way and I dont even hang out with them much going to these places.

  7. 157
    Sylvia

    I’ve done the coffee shop, supermarket thing (doesn’t work – unless 2 very young odd guys trying to pick me up counts), hiking (seniors), dancing lessons, different Meetup groups (worked better when I was younger, but often same ppls in different groups, often socially awkward ppls, nowadays many older ppls and even in a “40 Plus Group” the majority of ppls ARE NOT in their 40s and are 50+).  I’ve rock climbed (something I already did a few years back) for 2 years because I love it, but the exception is most ppls are too young here (20s) and I felt ancient and ppls take the sport very seriously, but I stuck to it because I love climbing until I got an ongoing injury.  Gym stuff, I do girly and “hard core classes” and machines and ages vary (at my gyms mostly 20s-30s, but older too and again ppls are there to swear not socialize and I’ve been going to gyms since 25 and have tried a few locations), but ppls aren’t really there to date, especially being sweaty.  I guess I’ll have to wait until men my age get divorced in their 50s and by then I’ll be even less interested in them.  😖

    P.S. Sorry my mobile auto corrects me incorrectly all the time so hopefully my depressing note made sense!

  8. 158
    Tiffany

    I’m  a 44 year old female. I’ve been single for five years. It’s by choice. The last time I tried online dating I got swept up in a long distance affair with a man who didn’t tell me he was married until last year. The other one turned out to be a Nigerian Romance Scammer. ( I kid you not). I would rather meet someone in real life then online any day. There’s enough Catfishing and Fake profiles out there I will not try another online website. (What’s sad is that I didn’t even use a online dating website the scammer found me on Facebook!!).

    Last time I tried online dating I was on 4 different websites. 4. I followed all the tips, go to the bar, go to the market, go to church.

    So now I’m focusing on me. I think that’s the best strategy while you are single. Focus on you. Focus on life and eventually it will happen. In the meantime, stop looking in the wrong direction.

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