Where Do I Meet Single Men If I’m In My 40s?

I am 44 years old and entering the dating scene again for the first time in 25 years. Where do you go to meet someone at my age? I am not doing the online singles sites…that is just scary to me. I don’t go to church. I am new in town, with a few happily married friends.I have four grown who are trying to set me up (I love them, but what a nightmare!!). What do single people do at 40 and over? So much of my time was taken up with caring for someone else that now I just don’t know how to fill that time. Any suggestions?

Loriann

Thanks for highlighting an important principle for women over 40 seeking love:

You will not find it unless you do something differently.

You said it yourself. You’re new in town. Your friends are married. You don’t go to church. You won’t date online because it’s scary.

It’s about attracting men, understanding men, and making them want to stick around forever and ever. That’s what I do for my clients every single day.

What do you expect me to tell you? No, really. What?

Every day I get emails from women who want one-on-one dating coaching but don’t want to try online dating. I tell each one the same exact thing:

“If you’re dating a few men right now and can guarantee me that you’ll have at least one date a week for the duration of our time together, we can start coaching. If not, what exactly are we going to talk about for 12 weeks?”

They usually come back with a “Well, I thought, as a dating coach, you’d have some ideas on meeting men. Isn’t that what dating coaching is all about?”

No, that’s what articles in Marie Claire are all about:

“The Ten Top Spots to Meet Hot Guys!”

Here, I spared you the trouble of Googling it: The 14 Best Places to Meet Eligible Men

Without giving anything away, Loriann, here are the actual places that have been recommended by a site called AllWomensTalk: the bar, the market, online, church, the water cooler, newspapers, college, friends, the gym, restaurants, work, vacation, parks, airplanes.

Where does this leave you? Apparently, it means standing around a lot, hoping that a cute, age appropriate, interested single guy happens upon you at the bar, the market, college, the gym, restaurants, parks, and airplanes.

So if it’s not already abundantly clear, dating advice is not about WHERE to meet men. It’s about attracting men, understanding men, and making them want to stick around forever and ever. That’s what I do for my clients every single day.

As to where you meet men, yes, there’s one place that’s more effective in making introductions than 100 visits to Whole Foods and Art History class combined.

It’s called Match.com, it’s open 24 hours a day, and it costs a lot less than getting on a plane and hoping to sit next to a 45-year-old eligible bachelor.

…if you won’t go outside your comfort zone, I can pretty much assure you that nothing’s going to change.

I highly suggest you get over your fear of online dating, not because it’s perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but because it’s ubiquitous and effective in creating opportunity. Rather than dip your toe in the water and give up because you’re intimidated, I highly encourage you to check out Finding the One Online, in which I hold your hand through the entire online dating process, from getting over your fears, to choosing a website, to writing a profile, to flirting with men and so on.

You don’t have to be single if you don’t want to be, Loriann. But if you won’t go outside your comfort zone, I can pretty much assure you that nothing’s going to change.

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Comments:

  1. 151
    yannick

    Only dating is the worst place to meet, i am 44 met one women who was very below average she looked dirty like a cavewomen she insulted me telling me that i look a lot older then my age and she wanted a hot guy. Women online think they can get the hot men but they can’t because most of them look awful are out of shape even obese full of wrinkles, the one i met was 35 she looked like 45.

  2. 152
    Sharon Renyard

    I’m 46 & have been on my own (by choice) since my marriage ended 4 years ago. Was encouraged by friends to join a dating site so I did at the end of August. I look after myself & I’m in good shape for my age – I don’t even want anything serious, it would just be nice to have someone to go out & have fun with sometimes. I’ve only met 2 men & both were keen to go out more than once, said I was very attractive, exactly their type etc……..nothing physical happened. Then a few days later, not sure we’re right for each other!?!? So that’s put me off online dating. I know there are good ones out there but no idea where

  3. 153
    Verona

    I rather stay single then be in a relationship either the good guys are or not interested or want a women in her early 20’s I’m 34 I lost hope.

    1. 153.1
      Suman Majumder

      hey, why do you think all the men need women in their early 20’s? some men like matured woman too. 🙂

  4. 154
    MichelleKlein

    I want to tell my recent meeting a player story. I am successful woman in my 50’s, attorney never married no children thought I knew the score. Met a middle eastern man but could have been from any place. He acted very sweet initially but once he was settled here turned from a 50 year old divorced man with 4 children responsible and respectful to a lecturous playboy who is now a sociopath dating women young enough to be his daughter and plans to marry for a green card, not work, wants them to earn $200k, they will also cook and clean and he will order them around. Oh yes, and he tossed me out once I got him comfortable with the culture here and even asked me where to meet hot women. Plus he gave me an STD and that is ALL he ever gave me. I got played. Never thought it would happen but men change when they see who they can get here in the US.

  5. 155
    Carrie

    I’ve been single now for three years since the age of 38 and find the online dating scene to be a complete gong show. Like someone else had mentioned, 95% of men that make the effort to connect are in their late fifties, and the other 5% are young bucks, aka twenty somethings wanting the elusive cougar. I consider myself to be attractive, fit, intelligent and ready to meet someone for a great connection. The online dating scene has been pretty much the most humbling experience ever and has preyed on insecurities I never knew I even had. Sending messages and being ignored, getting stood up, investing time texting and chatting and then being ghosted, and endless creeps and sexual advances by strangers…Online dating is not for the the faint or heart or for those with fragile egos.

  6. 156
    Sylvia

    Sadly, I agree with most of these comments! 😞 I’m a 43 year old female (look 30s) with decent modern style sense living in Toronto and I love ❤ certain physical activities that should attract men and go to the gym 3-4 times a week. I’ve tried online dating for years (now mostly have an inactive profile because the men are gross physically and/mentally what they say) and haven’t had a date in 2 years! The only men I’ve met that were interested were young, one only wanted sex and the other doesn’t have it all together, and the third I didn’t technically meet since I gave him the cold shoulder whenever he stared (I know new, but I don’t deal rejecting ppls well), but we kept running into each other at work/gym/apt/subway building but he’s 12 years younger and that’s not what I want (I found his company profile, then googled his LinkedIn and did the math and based on his looks – we’re both Asian 😇😉). Wherever, I’ve gone to meet me already stated by all these comments (gym, Meetup, sports facilities/events are full of women and I’ve noticed now that I’m older full of older women, many in 50s! This really depresses me that I even stopped going out often because I’d feel sad that there weren’t average men and that I’d be stuck with a seniors crowd (no offense, nice groups, but not my cup of tea). 😞 My few single girlfriends feel the same way and I dont even hang out with them much going to these places.

  7. 157
    Sylvia

    I’ve done the coffee shop, supermarket thing (doesn’t work – unless 2 very young odd guys trying to pick me up counts), hiking (seniors), dancing lessons, different Meetup groups (worked better when I was younger, but often same ppls in different groups, often socially awkward ppls, nowadays many older ppls and even in a “40 Plus Group” the majority of ppls ARE NOT in their 40s and are 50+).  I’ve rock climbed (something I already did a few years back) for 2 years because I love it, but the exception is most ppls are too young here (20s) and I felt ancient and ppls take the sport very seriously, but I stuck to it because I love climbing until I got an ongoing injury.  Gym stuff, I do girly and “hard core classes” and machines and ages vary (at my gyms mostly 20s-30s, but older too and again ppls are there to swear not socialize and I’ve been going to gyms since 25 and have tried a few locations), but ppls aren’t really there to date, especially being sweaty.  I guess I’ll have to wait until men my age get divorced in their 50s and by then I’ll be even less interested in them.  😖

    P.S. Sorry my mobile auto corrects me incorrectly all the time so hopefully my depressing note made sense!

  8. 158
    Tiffany

    I’m  a 44 year old female. I’ve been single for five years. It’s by choice. The last time I tried online dating I got swept up in a long distance affair with a man who didn’t tell me he was married until last year. The other one turned out to be a Nigerian Romance Scammer. ( I kid you not). I would rather meet someone in real life then online any day. There’s enough Catfishing and Fake profiles out there I will not try another online website. (What’s sad is that I didn’t even use a online dating website the scammer found me on Facebook!!).

    Last time I tried online dating I was on 4 different websites. 4. I followed all the tips, go to the bar, go to the market, go to church.

    So now I’m focusing on me. I think that’s the best strategy while you are single. Focus on you. Focus on life and eventually it will happen. In the meantime, stop looking in the wrong direction.

  9. 159
    susan

    And all the men on match who are 45 want women who are 28-35

    1. 159.1
      Flounie

      I totally agree…

      I recently had a guys profile say he was 45 but he’s actually 48. His excuse? He doesn’t like to give fb all his information…

      1. 159.1.1
        Gentle Bear

        I want to know why a 48 year old (like me) has to hide his age to try to get to know women that are younger then him.

        Its always a womens preference and I have had women tell me not interested and to that it is “thank you for responding and have a nice day good luck with your search”

        Some actually are…and that is not to even say I dont like women my own age I do.   I find independent women who take care of themselves extremely sexy.

         

         

         

         

  10. 160
    AL

    Wow,

    I am so sad to hear so many stories about how bad the dating scene is today. I am 49, recently divorce but not disillusioned.  Although my married lasted for 24 years I still want to have kids and fall in love unconditionally with another woman. We are so conceded in thinking we deserve what we perceive to be better. We all are human beings and for that we are not perfect in any way. But it is the imperfections that make us unique, make us different and is what we remember the most once we part way from our ex’s.

    We all deserve to be love and fall in love completely from head to toe, bone to bone. My advice is to find people (man or woman) who do not want to see the pass as an active verb. But rather, as a memory of that once was and it done for. Do not be polite with (I want to stay single shit), if the person (man or woman) has that mind set just move on. Get up and walk away! Why waist time with a person who cannot love him/herself? For you women mostly (and some men) do not pick up any more fixer-upper projects. You do that with home to sell them, not with people whom you want to spend the rest of you life with. (A dangler at the end.. LOL)

     

    I say this not only to you guys, but also to myself. I want to find myself drunk with love and my entire being just be joyful to see my partner happy. I wholeheartedly open my heart and let my soul (What ever that means) take it without any expectations. Not because I have a child like mentality about this. But because I read all of your post and I see that it is not shortness of great men and women we have, but the idea there are no such hearts looking for the same thing I am looking for.

     

    Love is well and alive, we are just to lazy, sad and tire to see it.

     

    I do appreciate your contribution to lift my sprits in knowing that I will find a woman to love for the rest of my natural life.

     

    Thanks

  11. 161
    Im to sexy

    Ladies, men expire after age 38, testosterone levels drop, they have previous children….careers, suck at multi tasking and don’t have a need for a woman in their lives — now they have alexa.   There is a new site called wingman – may be ok if you are 25-30.  I would say, the gym is the best place to find a guy. period.   Mingly bars second (e.g. people have to be standing at the bar).  Approach, approach.  Lets face it older guys are FAT, SHORT, UGLY, have no hair left, and lack drive.  I am a biologist –I have seen it all, dated across NYC, Miami, Chicago, London, and various other EU cities.  Online is  total WASTE of time – don’t do it.  GYM, stand up bars (can be the bar area of a popular restaurant) Period.

    1. 161.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      “Im to sexy” says “men expire after 38,” the “gym is the best place to find a guy,” “older guys are FAT, SHORT, and UGLY,” “online is a total WASTE of time,” and reiterates that gyms and bars are the go-to places for single women. Take notes, ladies.

      1. 161.1.1
        Joan

        No men my age seem to go to gyms unless they are gay. If these guys go there are married or drop dead beautiful and go for younger women. Hence why every one comments on these old unfit men

  12. 162
    Lisa

    I’m new to this but after reading most of your comments I wanted to add my own. On line dating is a complete waste of time, I’ve been on 4 sites and most of the guys are a lot older than me who are interested, the others are either lying on their profiles or just want a long term pen pal… I’m 43 and look young for my age, I work out regularly however for the last 7 years I’ve been bringing up my son alone who is 14 now so I’m slowly getting a little freedom back to start dating. All the guys at work are married, my friends are single parents also who just don’t have the finances to go out for paying for children’s school trips and so on.. I would so like to meet a nice guy who’s genuine but I just don’t seem to come across them.. on line dating I quit a year ago after 12 months of dating and texting it was doing no good to my self esteem, in fact I felt much better when I stopped it all and deleted my profiles.. i’m trying to stay optimistic and reading your comments has made me feel much better, it’s nice to know I’m not alone.. I hope that most of us ladies find love again after all the divorce rate is high, surely there has to be some decent guys… let’s try to stay positive ladies.

  13. 163
    Mike47

    Hi my name is mike.iam 47 and having the same problem.ive just come back from being away for 17 years.lost contact with a lot of people from my past.I am finding it very hard to meet a lady.I to do not go to church.I find its a waist of time going to a pub or club cos u cant get to know someone with all the intence noise around u.someone needs to do a singles sunday lunch.a nice jass band playing in the back ground.singles only so we can all mingle.so ladys its not just u guys.

     

  14. 164
    Joan

    I agree with all that has been said and I think events might be better but there are so few of those.

    People would be forced to look at people their own ages to secure a date because they wouldn’t even get looked at if people saw them in the flesh. 

    I’m a 54 yo woman who doesn’t want a 65 yo man in bad shape in the same way a 34 year old man doesn’t want me – why would he? Not that I’m in bad shape 😊.Why don’t these old men see that? The men my age a stupid if they think a thirty something woman wants anything but money from him WHY WOULD YOU WANT THAT OLD THING? I just don’t get it all.

    The dating sites don’t even offer vetting which would be a whole new market segment – but there are too many stupid men that want the hope of getting free sex from the dating sites to change their product.

    One married idiot approached me and i asked him if he was a billionaire? He laughed and I said what would be in it for me – His looks? His old body? His charm? Maybe his witty banter? He still didn’t get it – maybe it was his brain?

    J

  15. 165
    Gentle Bear

    Ok….48 year old guy here trying on the on line dating thing.

    Why are the men giving the women a hard time for making decisions how they wanna date?  Respect it jesus.

    I totally give my first and last name when asked and even when I work.  Dont have anything to hide and not gonna try.

    I actually like younger women but there are some totally cool women my own age as well.   Being a gentlemen goes a long way and being a “man” can be saved for when we are with our boys.

  16. 166
    Jenna

    I don’t agree with the author telling her to get over her fear of online dating and go to match.com. Let’s talk about Match.com. I myself at 40 decided to try it. It has been the worst experience of my life. Many on there reaching out don’t look at anything in your profile and there aren’t many people on there. About 50 men on Match are the same 50 on POF. Therefore, whether you pay for match ($40) or nothing on POF (free), you’re getting the same pool of men. I’ve had many men on both sites that were married just looking for something on the side. Online dating in your 40’s is a terrible thing to suggest.

    1. 166.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Okay, Jenna, if you don’t date online, how ARE you going to meet men in your 40’s?

  17. 167
    Jim

    As a fit, fun, handsome, romantic and healthy 47 year old guy, I find it so difficult to find a single, attractive woman between 30 and 45 who is either not disillusioned with men or not looking for a daddy figure to help raise her young kids or not looking for a young stud for hot nights or not looking for a sugar daddy.  Aren’t there any normal, down-to-earth women without baggage who just want a nice guy to love and cherish without any strings attached or hidden motives?

  18. 168
    Mirna

    They should make a website only for 40, 42,43,44, ect singles not married, at all match  them up , and really connect them together,  it would be pretty cool , and start dating, ect. That would only be fair for those who haven’t experience marriage, children.

  19. 169
    Darren

    well I’m a man in my late 40’s and I’m as daunted as many of the girls here seem to be and I would love to know the secret – I feel I’m a great guy that is average at best and the online dating scene is seemingly so shallow – most people I know (girls) think I’m a great bloke and enjoy my company although in knowing them when we were a couple it is difficult to think of them as a partner – I don’t have ripples and don’t have a bank balance to be proud of. I do care to treat my partner as the centre of the world – give total respect – be supportive of them –

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