Why Wouldn’t a Man Call Me if We Had a Great Weekend Together?

I met a nice guy recently online. We are both out of state and decided to meet. We spent a great weekend together and emailed each other after the weekend. He confirmed that he had a great weekend and wanted to visit me. He also mentioned that he wasn’t sure what the future will hold as it would be good to continue to get to know each other. But here’s the thing: he actually has not called since; just emailed. I’m not sure what to think. He’s often busy, but could he be that busy not to call to check in, or maybe the weekend was not that good and he was just being polite in saying he had a great weekend.

Marcie

Dear Marcie,

Hate to break it to you, but…

You’re the out of town girl.

You’re the woman who is out of sight and out of mind.

You’re the person he doesn’t have to call every day because you’re not close enough to be his girlfriend.

You’re the person he doesn’t have to call every day because you’re not close enough to be his girlfriend.

In other words, you’re the perfect woman.

Once again, I speak from experience.

Years before I became a dating coach, when I was working in customer care at JDate (yes, I come from humble origins), I started flirting with a girl who called up to ask some technical question. She was in New York, I was in Los Angeles. We emailed back and forth a few times. We sent a few photos back and forth. We started talking on the phone regularly. Next came phone sex. Next thing you know, she’s flying out to see me.

We had a whirlwind weekend. Beach walks in Venice, shopping on Melrose, long drives on Mulholland, romantic restaurants in Hollywood. It was like a vacation romance. Lots of chemistry, nothing at stake, two young people who can’t keep their hands off each other for 48 hours.

When she got back home, she wanted to continue to talk every day. …

I wanted to downshift into emailing once a week. She could resume her love life in New York, I’d go back to my failed dates in LA, life would go on as before. Where she saw a future with me, I saw a vacation romance. It was short, sweet, finite and completely unrealistic. Just because you have chemistry with someone doesn’t mean you want to fly back and forth cross-country for her.

And so, Marcie, you have your weekend, you have your memories, but you don’t have the guy. Don’t take it personally. Trust that the man that you’ll marry is the one who will call you every day and will always go out of his way to see you again.

It’s not that you did anything wrong or that he did anything wrong. It’s simply that you assigned more meaning to your weekend than he did.

Trust that the man that you’ll marry is the one who will call you every day and will always go out of his way to see you again.

Better to move on than to worry about how to fix this individual situation.

This is the very concept behind my eBook, Why He Disappeared, which helps you understand what’s really going through the minds of men when they’re dating you.

Click here to learn more:

www.evanmarckatz.com/products/why-he-disappeared.html

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Cindy

    Excellent response Evan!! To the point, yet caring! This is exactly why I would NEVER date someone who lived in another state. You need to live within a reasonable distance to give it a true chance of working. I believe you need to talk on the phone often, but see eachother at least once a week if you are looking for a serious relationship! As Evan said, don’t take it personal Marcie. Enjoy the memories and next time spend the time getting to know someone local. I’m sure there are many men in your area that would enjoy taking you out and getting to know you!!

  2. 2
    tom

    There are a lot of different ways to interpret this, and I concur with Evan, but has Marcie ever thought of picking up the phone herself?

  3. 3
    Dating Trooper

    Very true Evan. The long distance thing should really be seen as a “long distance fling.” If anything else comes out of it – great. But don’t get your hopes up and keep looking locally. I’m at the point where I’ll limit guys to a 30 mile radius before I’ll consider anything as “potential.” Marcie, you’ll always have the memories…..

  4. 4
    lyric

    Precise response! But still…ouch lol

  5. 5
    palora

    Evan -

    Tsk tsk. It sounds almost like you sanction your behavior with the girl who flew out to see you. You’ll end up giving men the wrong idea that it’s okay to let women spend their money on plane tickets to Fuck-Buddyville.
    In previous posts, you referred to the guy who sleeps with a girl and doesn’t follow through as “some douchebag”.

    I’m not saying you led this girl on, but didn’t you have the sense that maybe, possibly, perhaps she had higher expectations that you were somewhat responsible for managing? Couldn’t you have anticipated she’d be hurt and been a little more reserved with your ardor, knowing it meant something different to her? That your benign weekend of fun was her subsequent weeks of heartache?

    I know. I know. Life is unfair and caveat emptor and all that. It’s just really disappointing to hear men be so dismissive about women’s feelings in general, especially coming from someone with a rather high emotional IQ such as yourself. I get that you can’t change other people, only yourself…yada yada. So now what I feel myself changing into is someone who doesn’t trust your average male.

    If a guy on a date wants to lean over and kiss me and I’ve got this long complicated rapid fire dialog running thru my head: “God he looks smitten like a man in love you’d see in the movies and my body says I want to kiss him back but wait remember that guys are only living in the moment and this doesn’t necessarily mean anything so hold onto your heart and y’know he probably is at least aware on some level that he’s laying it on a bit thick for me right now given the fact that we met only yesterday and I bet he doesn’t think I’m onto him at all so ewww he’s a big fat stupid faker who’s making true-love face at me to get into my pants…” how am I supposed to go through with kissing the guy?

    Moreover, now that you’ve revealed this tidbit about yourself to us – I’m not so clear about your overall goal anymore. Do you sincerely want to help women find love, or do you just want them to adjust their attitudes to make it easier for men to get laid?

    - Palora

  6. 6
    Evan Marc Katz

    Thanks for your response, Palora. And I use myself as an example not to make myself look good (obviously), but to illuminate certain things about the nature of men.

    Thus, I’m not advocating a certain behavior, or attempting to make it easier for men to get laid. In fact, the thought never even occurred to me. Rather, by revealing the disconnect that men have between sex and feelings, I’m hoping that women can learn to emotionally protect themselves in these situations.

    Observing that men sleep with women and not feel any need to follow up doesn’t mean I think this is a good thing. Nor does it mean that I was always a good guy. All it means is that it happens, for better or worse.

    In discussing this, and in fostering questions like yours, I am attempting to help both men and women understand each other. With that understanding, I hope we can all better navigate our way through the tricky process of dating.

    1. 6.1
      Fran

      Women need to value themselves more and not jump into bed with any man they have an attraction for. Waite until you can look into each others eyes an see true love. It is worth waiting for. Yes, you can go on wonderful weekend dates without sex.
      There is a hormone that is released in women when they have an orgasm it makes them feel instant love for then man, no matter how wrong he is for her. It doesn’t release the same in men so they don’t ”fall in love”. 
      Evan, you probably missed a wonderful woman who was so into you, she might have move west if you had given the relationship half a chance. You should have let her know before she fly out to see you what your intensions were.   
      You are opening the eyes of women and men; a noble effort.
      Fran 

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  8. 7
    dondy

    I have been reading this column for about a month, since I started internet dating. I have found this Evan article to be the most valuable gem thus far. It is very true, as I have been on the male side of this scenario as well. I completely agree that a future husband will call and do whatever it takes to make the connection stay current. And all the others just make for good stories and lessons for life! Thanks for a great column.

  9. 8
    lyric

    Having been able to experience a certain situation personally makes us relate to the concern/problem at hand. All of us at certain stages of our lives do stupid things. The good thing is if we get to realize the wrong we’ve done and not repeat it. I think it’s great Evan sharing his personal experiences past, present right or wrong to the readers. We really need a man’s point of view to try and make us understand men.

  10. 9
    downtowngal

    Evan, can you explain why you ‘wanted to downshift’ after spending a weekend with this girl? I’ve heard of people who meet over long distances, hit it off and end up in full-blown relationships so I disagree that every woman who meets a guy like this is always going to be the ‘weekend girl’.

    From your experience it sounds as if NY woman had her expectations to high and probably should have waited for you to fly out to visit her (I believe in old fashioned chivalry). But I’d like to get the guy’s perspective on this – it didn’t sound as if you felt no connection, but were you scared that it could lead to something more than you were ready for at the time?

    And tom, if the guy were interested in pursuing things he’d continue calling. I don’t care what people think about equality and such, the bottom line is that in any relationship if the guy is still itnerested he’ll call. If the woman does most of the calling she’s just a convenience for the guy. If the guy calls but the woman doesn’t return his calls, well that’s a different story.

  11. 10
    Evan Marc Katz

    Downtowngal,

    1) I didn’t say that EVERY woman who meets a guy is going to be the out of town girl. I said that based on this man’s unwillingness to make a greater effort than email, Marcie clearly was the out of town girl. My own sister moved cross-country for a guy, so believe me, I know it’s possible. It’s just not in this case.

    2) It seems you’re reading into my story based on what you want to hear. My cross-country girl was cute, but at no point in time did I ever think it was going to be a relationship. I wasn’t scared. I just didn’t like her enough to commit. I use this story to reinforce the fact that men can feel strong sexual chemistry and still be kind and generous without having any emotional connection.

    For what it’s worth, I laid the groundwork to minimize this girl’s emotional investment, saying that I had no plans to move to New York, and wouldn’t want her to move to Los Angeles on my behalf. She still came to LA and still got attached. Which is unfortunate, but is par for the course in dating.

    Once again, this is why I write about this subject. Thanks for the note.

  12. 11
    Nella

    I was in the same situation a few years ago.. I met this guy on Jdate. He lives in NY but was in town for a few days for work. We had a really great date and met again for breakfast the next morning. He was perfect. Charming, smart, sweet, very handsome! I was smitten. He said we would keep in touch but I didn’t hear from him for a few weeks. I wrote him an email and told him I had a great time and wondered if he was still interested in pursuing something. He said he also had a great time and wanted to know if I could fly in to see him. I couldn’t at the time and I really never heard from him again. The long distance thing was not going to work and he was not into me enough to try. It took a a while for me to realize it’s just not for everyone.

  13. 12
    lorelei

    Evan said: “I use this story to reinforce the fact that men can feel strong sexual chemistry and still be kind and generous without having any emotional connection. “

    And here is where I think there’s a disconnect. Women have a hard time seeing how a man can be disingenuously romantic (i.e. no intention to follow through) and still be genuinely kind a the same time. IMHO, you can be sincere and kind, OR you can be going through the motions and leading a woman on (intentionally or not), but you can’t be both.

    I think what some people refer to as “living in the moment”, I would refer to as “selfishly pursuing instant gratification”.

    Just my two cents.

  14. 13
    Evan Marc Katz

    Lorelei, let’s say I invite you to spend the weekend with me. We’ve discussed our lack of future, realized that a long-distance relationship is inconvenient, but still want to spend a few days ravishing each other. This is, as the saying goes, a no-strings-attached agreement.

    When you arrive, I treat you like a princess. I take you places, I buy you things, I wine you, I dine you, I romance you, I sleep with you. Which is exactly what you came for.

    Then you decide after the fact that this not just a weekend romance – I am the person you want to marry.

    What exactly have I done wrong? I wasn’t “going through the motions”, I wasn’t making promises I couldn’t keep. I was having a wonderful weekend that we agreed to. And if she changes her tune and decides that she can’t handle that intimacy without commitment, it’s not because I was a bad guy.

    To sum up: a man can be considered “wrong” if he actively lies to a woman. But he is not wrong for treating you well on a date, on a weekend, or at any other point in time.

  15. 14
    Michael

    I guess he just wanted to say he had a perfect weekend politely. If you are not sure about the problem, why not ask him?

  16. 15
    Susan

    Evan,

    You’ve gotten yourself into some hot water with this post. I just wanted to say that not all of us ladies think you’re a dog. I, for one, really appreciate and value the candor with which address these matters. And I’m impressed that you’re willing to share so much of yourself, even when a story doesn’t show you in the best possiible light. I’m certainly not going to slam you for your refreshing honesty.

    Thank you, Evan.

    Susan

  17. 16
    lorelei

    Fair enough, Evan. I didn’t realize you’d communicated up front in no uncertain terms that a relaionship was not high on your list of wants. You’re not on trial here anyway.

    It’s rare that men make air-tight statements about their intentions like you did, preferring instead to be vague, and if the woman is misled by her own marriage fantasies into getting it on, then all the better for the guy, right?

    I do happen to believe a man can be wrong “for treating you well on a date, on a weekend, or at any other point in time” if the underlying motive behind such actions is to encourage a woman’s misperceptions of a future together all for the sake of getting some play. I’m willing to agree to disagree on that point however.

    Mainly I want to let you know how much I do appreciate this discussion. The more you and the Greg Behrendts of the world frankly discuss male mating strategies, the easier it becomes for women to recognize them and distinguish those “in the moment” guys from the real thing. Thanks.

  18. 17
    Cindy

    This has been fascinating to read. I just wanted to say that I’d much rather have an idea of what the guy in question was thinking…. rather than the sugar coated version that I’d get from girlfriends. Keep up the good work :D

  19. 18
    downtowngal

    Evan thanks for your response to my post. From the original response it appeared that you were inferring that out of sight out of mind was the only reason he didn’t continue. In reality we don’t know what was up with this guy – he could have been getting out of something serious, or having work troubles, or who knows?

    Seems like the goal is to be realistic about your expectations and communicate them up front. Only thing is that meeting up with someone long distance can present a gray area because you havent’ met yet so you don’t konw how it will go. From the girl’s perspective – she hasn’t met the guy yet and may not want to come across as too forward and scare him away, so she may realistically think, ‘ok, let me go and check this out’. After the weekend she may not feel it’s a match anyway.

    Like Evan said, chalk it up to having a fun time, memories and experience and just move on. If it’s the right guy you’ll know it.

  20. 19
    Tara

    I discovered Evan’s website tonight. While I was reading his response to Marcie I thought to myself, “Wow, I once was that out of town girl that lived in town!” Evan’s response to Marcie is so on target and full of nothing but the truth. I’m 34, single, and constantly gaining a fraction of wisdom with each date. As for this subject, it is all in a women’s expectations. A part of being single is being able to accept people coming in and out of your life. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. I hope Marcie can store her out of town trip in her “good memories” file. Eventually, when she comes to the refreshing change in settling down she will always have those memories to look back on and stories to tell her grandchildren. I’m glad I had the opportunity to respond.

  21. 20
    shellacked

    Just 1 thing I don’t understand…

    If evan did nothing wrong, why are you people commending his bravery in sharing his story?

  22. 21
    wyandanch

    Why Wouldnt a Man Call Me if We Had a Great Weekend Together?

    Its the same answer to the question Why wouldnt a man call me if we just did/had/went whatever/wherever”.

    Answer: He’s not that into you.

  23. 22
    Hopeful

    I recently had a very similar situation myself to Marcie and Nella and am still suffering from the fact that “he was not that into me”. I was the out-of-town girl who visited him and had a great date. We had so many things in common and the conversation was perfect and so on, and I thought I had met THE ONE. Obviously, he didn’t call me for days after the date, but he responded when I emailed him. His email was gentle and nice, but it ends with “take care”, which, I think, pretty much says “good-bye”. I know it is so clear that he was not into me, but I cannot just accept it. Would he have called me regardless of the distance, if he really liked me? If we were in the same city, would it have made any difference at all? I have learned a lot about guys from Evan’s articles but it really hurts.

  24. 23
    silly fool

    I having the same experience after meetig somone on line and spending a wonderful weekend together.. Attraction and connection we had was intense for us both, it felt so easy and familiar.it was the best weekend ever.. We spoke the night we got home and he couldnt wait to see me again and was not worried about the distance between us.. we’d had the talk of distance before and he was open to what may happen next. he would never had moved to me but i said i was always open to moving for the right person. The next day i txt as normal being excited about having an amazing weekend with you.. . and he came back with a txt that just blew me away saying he wasnt very confident he could make it work. to beleive him he wasnt happy to do so new id be unhappy… then wanted some time to think so i left him alone for a few days and asked what was happening, and said he need more than a long distance relationship can give me… i can not get him out of my head ive tried calling once and he wouldnt pick up.. ive d txt once and he wont reply.. what a gutless fool

  25. 24
    Steve

    Well here’s one from a gay man’s perspective…

    I recently met a guy online; he’s from British Columbia,and I’m from Quebec (about 2300 miles apart). We racked up about10 hours on the phone, had a tremendous connection, and in less than a week he broached the idea of meetingfor theweekend. We agreed that it made sense to meet sooner than later, especially since the connection on the phone was so strong, and we had so much in common (bothwant kids, marriage, etc.). At 41 and 46, we both knew what we wanted and weren’t finding it locally, so we thought “What the hell, let’s do this”. He flew to Montreal and we had an amazing, romanticweekend. He even used the ‘L’ word at one point. So, you guessed it… he hasn’t called. That was three weeks ago. Hasn’t responded to my call (I held back and only left one) or emails (two, the second one asking that he at least let me know he made it home alive). So ladies, it happens to us guys as well, and it doesn’t hurt any less. It’s hard to admit that this sweet, gentle guy blew me off so easily, but I’m trying to look at the positives: had a great weekend, felt totally validated at every turn, andI know what I want more than ever.It just won’tbe with him.

  26. 25
    Still Looking

    For me, there is a significant difference between meeting someone locally and meeting someone from out of town.
    When I begin to correspond with someone locally, I want to meet her as soon as possible to see if there is any chemistry.  I don’t want to waste hours on the phone and computer, only to then meet and realize in the first 10 minutes that she is not “the one.”  I know by the time the server offers dessert whether I’m interested in a second date.  The possible outcomes after a date almost require a matrix — Man sees the possibility or desires a romantic relationship (RR), a friendly relationship (FR), or no relationship (NR).  The woman has the same basic options.  The most common scenario for me is an NR/?.  In other words, I don’t feel any chemistry/connection and therefore no desire to see her again.  I don’t know for sure what her thoughts are so she gets a questions mark.  My best dates have been the FR/FR dates.  Sometimes we realize this on our first date and sometimes it takes two or three dates to realize that we don’t click for a RR and we become good friends.  The worst scenario is an NR/RR with sex — not a good idea!
    Regardless of how strong the sexual attraction is, if I’m not interested in a possible LTR with my date, I will not lead a woman on with feigned interest if I am not interested in her as a person.  If I have sex with a woman on a first date, I will always be interested in a second date because I genuinely like the woman.  If it’s RR/RR or FR/FR – Great!  If only one of us is interested in a RR and the other isn’t then sex is a no-go.  Well I must clarify the last sentence — I don’t toy with women’s emotions so if she doesn’t make it clear that NSA sex is okay, then there is no sex.  I can quickly switch from  RR desired to FR NSA sex without too much emotional trauma (not because I’m a total pig but because I don’t “fall” too quickly).
    Wow, this message is getting quite a bit longer than I envisioned.
    A long-distance relationship (LDR) is quite different.  With a local relationship (LR), it is quite easy to maintain and grow either RR or FR.  We meet, we click in some regard, we can meet again.  It’s simple.  If we don’t click, we don’t meet again and I’ve usually made it fairly clear at the end of a date whether there will be a subsequent date.
    With an LDR, we have obviously spent quite a bit of time getting to know each other before we meet for the first time.  Expectations are higher, quite a bit higher, and then we meet.  I will do my absolute best to have a great time together but the simple truth is an LDR requires a lot more time, effort, money, etc. to nurture and maintain.  Unless the time together on our first date leaves me almost convinced that this woman is possibly the most perfect woman in the world for me there will not be a second date.
    It might seem harsh but the reality is it is easier to give a date a second chance when she is local.  We are all searching for our Mr. Right or Mrs. Right and time, money, and other resources are limited.  If a woman only scores a 7 on my “she’s the one for me” meter and she lives 2,500 miles away, I’m going to focus my energy on someone local who also scores a 7 first and continue my search for my 10.

  27. 26
    larry goodman

    I never understood anyone who wanted to date anyone from out of state and over several hours away unless it was for an affair  / fling where you know that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

    How can you not expect to be unhappy after the fact with someone who might as well be on the witness protection program.

    Sleepless in Seattle while being a great movie is not reality. 

    Marcie set herself up to be a victim.

    Great topic Evan. 

     

  28. 27
    jezebel

    what i read into from all the male comments: women are obviously more prepared to make a long distance romance work than men are. i guess we’re just different (men/women). i personally dont care if the guy lives in timbuktu, buenos aires or sydney – if he’s THE ONE then HE’S THE ONE… let’s make it work – whatever it takes!

    I guess guys see that completely different…. along the lines of – out of sight out of mind? and if she cant be here to give me good sex every morning then forget her… there’ll be a next one. i’m 40 next year and still have troubles accepting that guys can romance you’re a** off for a weekend and then turn around and pretend nothing ever happened – or even worse: not write like you don’t exist…

    on a recent get-togehter with friends exactly that subject turned up and one guy said to me (on the subject of why guy’s dont email back women, even after they had a weekend and they actually seemed “into you”):

    “…well… isn’t that the most honest communication?” meaning – he’s not writing so he’s not interested – coz if he was then he’d write you… 

    i think it’s a pretty cowardly way of commuication. all it takes for guys to tell us once: hey look, we had a great weekend and i really enjoyed the time with you, but you know what… i think i’m just not that into you…

    THAT’S IT!!! THAT’S ALL IT WOULD TAKE for “US” women to fully understand and move on to find a next guy… rather than wait for some form of communication, hopes and day-dreaming of what could be and “oh is he thinking about me…???” 

    call me a hopeless romantic but to put one thing straight: we women are are just more emontional and may just fall more easily than guys… but pretty much (all of us) get a clear message (in writing or by phone) but (many of us) we’re not clairvoyants… so let us know how you feel.

    it would make the dating game a lot easier…

    thank you.  
     

  29. 28
    Lovable

    It is interesting this talking about men who are afraid.No,they are not!They want a girl,or not,it is that simple.It takes one day to understand or one year even sometimes,that is how I see it.If a man really wants you,he will go for it BUT if you are not sure,and your feelings of not being so he will feel too,he can act weird, or not at all.Just leave him!Go date other guys.Dont take it seriously.He is just a guy.well i met this nicest guy handsome and seems perfect.He always smiles so nicely,but he never Does anything.I just have to let go.He dont even talk with me.Leave it.It will certainly come back to you if it is meant to be!

  30. 29
    Ginny

    I’m in a long distance relationship now for 7 months, where he drives over 500 miles each way to be with me for 2 or 3 days, tremendous mutual chemistry and other areas where we mesh very well.  He calls me regularly, almost every day.  I call every 3 days or so.  I think every couple is different.  I don’t understand any requirement for a guy to call every day.  Personally, I think a guy has to be the pursuer  in a relationship and the woman should be his inspiration.

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