Why Wouldn’t a Man Call Me if We Had a Great Weekend Together?

I met a nice guy recently online. We are both out of state and decided to meet. We spent a great weekend together and emailed each other after the weekend. He confirmed that he had a great weekend and wanted to visit me. He also mentioned that he wasn’t sure what the future will hold as it would be good to continue to get to know each other. But here’s the thing: he actually has not called since; just emailed. I’m not sure what to think. He’s often busy, but could he be that busy not to call to check in, or maybe the weekend was not that good and he was just being polite in saying he had a great weekend.

Marcie

Dear Marcie,

Hate to break it to you, but…

You’re the out of town girl.

You’re the woman who is out of sight and out of mind.

You’re the person he doesn’t have to call every day because you’re not close enough to be his girlfriend.

You’re the person he doesn’t have to call every day because you’re not close enough to be his girlfriend.

In other words, you’re the perfect woman.

Once again, I speak from experience.

Years before I became a dating coach, when I was working in customer care at JDate (yes, I come from humble origins), I started flirting with a girl who called up to ask some technical question. She was in New York, I was in Los Angeles. We emailed back and forth a few times. We sent a few photos back and forth. We started talking on the phone regularly. Next came phone sex. Next thing you know, she’s flying out to see me.

We had a whirlwind weekend. Beach walks in Venice, shopping on Melrose, long drives on Mulholland, romantic restaurants in Hollywood. It was like a vacation romance. Lots of chemistry, nothing at stake, two young people who can’t keep their hands off each other for 48 hours.

When she got back home, she wanted to continue to talk every day. …

I wanted to downshift into emailing once a week. She could resume her love life in New York, I’d go back to my failed dates in LA, life would go on as before. Where she saw a future with me, I saw a vacation romance. It was short, sweet, finite and completely unrealistic. Just because you have chemistry with someone doesn’t mean you want to fly back and forth cross-country for her.

And so, Marcie, you have your weekend, you have your memories, but you don’t have the guy. Don’t take it personally. Trust that the man that you’ll marry is the one who will call you every day and will always go out of his way to see you again.

It’s not that you did anything wrong or that he did anything wrong. It’s simply that you assigned more meaning to your weekend than he did.

Trust that the man that you’ll marry is the one who will call you every day and will always go out of his way to see you again.

Better to move on than to worry about how to fix this individual situation.

This is the very concept behind my eBook, Why He Disappeared, which helps you understand what’s really going through the minds of men when they’re dating you.

Click here to learn more:

www.evanmarckatz.com/products/why-he-disappeared.html

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Comments:

  1. 31
    mujerfeliz

    Ginny… I´m happy to say I´m on a similar situation.

    I was totally reluctant to a long distance relationship, however I met this guy, who travels regularly to my country for business.. and the funniest (and sad in a way because it means I settled for almost nothing in the past) thing happened… I´ve seen him more in 3 months of what I had seen guys who were almost my neighbors.     

    He spent 9 days in my country and we had 12 dates.  He was with me almost all my free time.   He has come two more times, once for 4 days,  and this past weekend just for 2 days.  No business,  just coming to see me.

    He calls every single night,  and when he doesn´t for any particular reason, he calls the next day in the morning to let me know what happened, and believe me, I don´t ask for any explanation, he does it because he wants to.

    After his second trip and our 18th date, he asked me to date exclusively, however some days after that, he began to talk about me as his girlfriend and in his last trip, he introduced me to his best friend here in my country, who said he couldn´t wait to meet me because R.  talks a lot about me.

    I have to thank Evan a lot, I would not had considered this man in another time of my life, not only for the long distant issue, but because of some things he lacks that I thought were crucial to me.  Two of them? he´s not a person of depth conversations, but rather simple, and he´s overweight (I´m a weight loss coach).    
    However, I´ve given up to that, in exchange for his other qualities:  he treats me well, he makes me laugh a lot, sex is pleasant enough, he´s responsible, he keeps his word, he loves my daughter and she loves him back, and he´s already making plans for me to go with him to Aruba next summer to his nephew´s wedding.

    Do you guys think this mean “possible future” or not?… I think it does and I couldn´t be more thrilled.

  2. 32
    peggysue

    This just happened to me last month and i was taken on two weekend getaways.  Never before had i been taken away so imagine all the excitement i felt.  Evan , thank you for your honesty, im a late bloomer and not much experience with dating and for what it’s worth, people like me need you to fill in the gaps sometimes even though we know deep down , seeing it in writing helps us move on , which i have and had only wished i had seen this email 7 weeks ago to save the heartache but hey that’s life and without pain there is no growth.

  3. 33
    Missy

    Evan,  thanks so much for those words.  I have an un-boyfriend.. he is in town and all  of that.. but it is the same situation.  I am trying to see if on his own he will call everyday and all of that.  
    I am trying to not take it personally.  Not only do I know he is a commitment phobe in a few months I will be his longest relationship and he is an old man.
    I am divorced with little kids.  I know they need a daily devotion from me.  I won’t let my heart stay with a guy who cannot do that for them.  I have seen this guy really be there for kids in the community, so I gave him a chance because he is a giver.  But, maybe he likes it that the kids go home and he can have his freedom.  There is nothing wrong with that, I will still respect him and continue to be his lifelong friend.. we met over 30 years ago. However, for my husband .. I love it when you talk that way..  It is okay for whoever to be who he is but MY HUSBAND WILL xyz… and you are right.
    When I see the xyz.. then maybe I will know.  My favorite guy in my heart right now is very far away, airplane far.  We are not together because I do not want to start that.  He has kids too. I am blessed to get great telephone and email support from both of these men.  They are dears, stellar human beings that make the world a better place.
    But my husband will xyz..   I don’t know who he is.  If he is either of these guys then Kismet might not be for 10 years when my kids are in college.
    If I am going to have what I want sooner than that.. then 
    Trust that the man that you’ll marry is the one who will call you every day and will always go out of his way to see you again.
    Right on the money, Evan.   I sure appreciate it.  As soon as I can I will buy your ebook.  You are helping me immensely and I adopt you as a wise cousin.

  4. 34
    Missy

    lorelei13

    Evan said: “I use this story to reinforce the fact that men can feel strong sexual chemistry and still be kind and generous without having any emotional connection. “
     
    Lorelei … here’s your quote
    And here is where I think there’s a disconnect. Women have a hard time seeing how a man can be disingenuously romantic (i.e. no intention to follow through) and still be genuinely kind a the same time. IMHO, you can be sincere and kind, OR you can be going through the motions and leading a woman on (intentionally or not), but you can’t be both.
    I think what some people refer to as “living in the moment”, I would refer to as “selfishly pursuing instant gratification”.
    Just my two cents.”
     
    I disagree with you.  My un-boyfreind is a great guy.  100 people would stand up and say so.  He gives time and money to community causes, he is kind and generous to me and others.  He does it without recognition when no one knows as well.  But he is a commitment phobe.  
    He IS KIND AND GENEROUS.. I know this from 30+ years of his friendship with others who saw him the whole time being KIND AND GENEROUS.  However, that does not make him suddenly want a wife, or want me as a wife, or want someone else’s kids to be dedicated to.   I would not dare ever distrust his  generosity.  And yeah, it was heady for me to realize this.. because yeah, at first i thought okay he is kind and generous to me.. after a husband who used me again and again and was stingy and completely lying about his intentions.. he basically got me to marry him and then turned into a user.. there were signs I ignored, but .. 
    The point is.. this is complicated.  yeah.. I did think the kind generous attention meant the guy was falling in love with me.  Now I think .. no.. he is a good kind friend.  If he xyz.. follows through for a very very long time.. maybe but what I think  I have is a kind generous un-boyfriend who never wants to be a real boyfriend.  He just likes freedom.  Good for him.  I don’t want to change anyone. 
    If he figures out he wants to change and chase me …. I sure hope he figures it out before I am committed to someone else because really I don’t want someone at my wedding banging on the back door yelling my name because he took too long to figure out what he wants.   But that is not what i  think will happen.  I think he will be sitting in the front row with my brother helping give me away smiling big and then skip the reception and go for a long Easy Rider ride… 
    He is kind and generous.  That is the person he is.  To everyone. It does not mean he loves me enough to even use the word girlfriend to which he is clearly allergic.

  5. 35
    marymary

    Missy
    sometimes the kindest thing to do is make yourself unpopular and stop having a relationship with someone who wants more. It,s easy to be kind and generous if it,s all on your own terms.
    i hope he doesn’t turn up on your wedding day either, and if he does you don,t see it as a kindness.

  6. 36
    Ellen

    I am going through the same thing right now. Except my interactions with this man were more than one weekend. 10 days spread out over a month’s time. And each time we would have a FANTASTIC time but when he showed more vulnerability or signs that he liked me…he would pull away even more after I left. 
    I know that this man is a “hurt puppy” from his divorce, still heartbroken and even admits that his fear is overwhelming regarding me. 
    My decision on how to move forward is two fold.
    1. Continue treat him with kindness, gentleness and love without forcing any answers or “where I stand” questions
    2. Continue to live my life.  Keep going out and meeting people and if someone who is ready to make me feel “worth it” comes along before my long distance man is ready to make the move forward then I have been kind to him, to me and to a possible love connection here in my own area. 
    “Nothing ever meant to be will ever pass me by”
    ~Ellen

  7. 37
    starthrower68

    I think once you have found out that a disappearing act was pulled, it is easier to disconnect from whatever it was that had us emotionally engaged.  At least that has been my experience.   I can’t look at them not wanting me as my problem; now I’m operating under the assumption that I have treated them well.  It’s easy to internalize that rejection and wonder what was wrong with us.  I don’t think it’s productive to take ownership over why someone else disappeared.  Evan says it’s usually nothing to do with us.  I am probably going to get some pushback from this, but I’m not a big fan of the over-the-top-passionate-but-short-lived affair.  I see it as a complete waste of my time and energy.

  8. 38
    Magdalena

    Ladies, don’t ever expect something big to come from men that you go to see long distance, and whatever you do, NEVER have sex with him.  Because then you’re no challenge, easily forgotten and another notch on the wolf’s belt that he polishes while he’s having a brew with his other lupine friends and laughing about it.
    It’s a depressingly masculine world, ladies.  Isn’t it time you started playing with men for a change?  Don’t call them – let them call you.  Then be aloof.  It works every time because just like the wolves they are (and they are quasi evolved mammals) they will love the chase.  In fact, being the more unevolved sex they get a kick out of it.  But, if you make “the mating” easy for them, they will look for the stronger (i.e. harder to get, better built) female almost every time.  If you act aloof and indifferent, you make them check their ego.  The end up questioning themselves: “Why I never have trouble getting females!  What’s so different about her that she didn’t get my essence of ‘Joe Cool'”?  It’s all about their ego..make them feel like they don’t stack up and they’ll come sniffing. If for no other reason – just to find out why you won’t stroke their egos.
    Men are basically dumb, ladies.  Use that. :)  I’m going to write a book. :D

     

  9. 39
    Karl R

    Magdalena said: (#38)
    “just like the wolves they are (and they are quasi evolved mammals)”
    “It’s all about their ego..make them feel like they don’t stack up and they’ll come sniffing.”
    “Men are basically dumb, ladies.”
     
    If that’s your opinion of men, why would you bother to date them?
     
    Boasting about sex with women? That’s juvenile behavior. Dumping a woman because she had sex with us? It hardly ever happens. More likely, the man had sex with a woman he already intended to dump.
     
    Magdalena said: (#38)
     
    “Men are basically dumb, ladies.  Use that.”
     
    I’m sure there are a few men who are as dumb and ego-driven as you describe. And if the men are that dumb, that ego-driven and that easily manipulated, your strategy will likely be successful in catching and holding their interest.
     
    Why would you want to catch a man like that?
     
    I don’t have any dating strategies for catching and holding the interest of shallow, stupid, ego driven and easily manipulated women. I didn’t want to date them, so I was far more interested in dating strategies that worked with everyone who didn’t meet that description.
     
    Magdalena said: (#38)
     
    “don’t ever expect something big to come from men that you go to see long distance, and whatever you do, NEVER have sex with him.”
     
    These are both reasonable pieces of advice. If a woman requires an airplane ticket just to get a goodnight kiss, very few men will be interested in expending that kind of effort in the long run.
     
    Long distance relationships have a lower success rate than normal relationships. (And most of us recognize how few relationships go the duration.) If you have sex with a long-distance boyfriend/girlfriend, don’t expect it to be anything more than a vacation fling.

  10. 40
    Kathleen

    Magdalena 38
    So true!!! 
    6 months ago I met a guy who was visiting from Baltimore He said he was on the SWAT team and he sure looked  and sounded like he was . We had huge chemistry and he pursued me hard while he was here but I never slept with him because I didn’t want to get attached and be left.
    On a call with him when he went back, he was acting secretive I  had the sense he may have lied and been married. Then he disappeared. 
    A few years ago I was clueless in the dating world. When I stood my ground, despite all the chemistry with this guy, I realized Id graduated from the school of dating with honors . Had the game down since, just as you describe Magdelana .  
        

  11. 41
    marymary

    mag
    gameplaying the dumb and unevolved?  Yep, that would be a good use off my time. Sign me up.

  12. 42
    Sam

    Dear Evan,
    I’m a Brit chic living in Hong Kong and I just wanted to say that you ROCK. I devoured your 133-page ebook in 3 hours!!! I know you are ‘just’ a human but you are also extremely insightful. Your daily emails are bang on, and have given me hope and positivity. I too have my flirtations overseas and this post about out-of-state man is another gem. Thank you, for being human and writing about it.  

  13. 43
    Karen

    I’ve had the same experience. It’s been very painful to say the least especially after filing for divorce and thinking that after 30 years this person wanted to “rescue” me. I’m not sure if I want him back or not or just let it roll!

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