I Am Not Physically Attracted to My Boyfriend. Can We Possibly Have a Future Together?

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Hi Evan, I am in a very tricky situation and don't know what to do, I found your web site and your advice are great. I hope you will answer my question, I need your precious advice too. I met a man online a few months ago, and, to make a long story short, we met, we are a great match intellectually/emotionally. I am concerned sometimes he is too attached to me and the way he started to make long term plans with me quite soon, but this isn't a real problem.

The real problem is that I don't find him attractive. He is not ugly but I don't like his features and overall appearance. Physically, I find he is not a "match" for me and I am not proud of being so shallow. I don't know what to do because other than that he is just perfect and I like him very much, he makes me feel very good. But I am not sure if I should be making plans with a man I don't feel much attraction for. I decided to tell him the truth about my feelings and he said he will take all the steps necessary to improve himself physically as he doesn't want to lose me. I am torn. Is he really the man of my life if physically I don't like him the way he is?

Thanks you so much for your help. Mia

Can you see how making a decision based on attraction is a perfect example of short-term thinking? Like getting a tattoo with someone's name on your back and breaking up four months later.

Mia, I can't answer your question, because NOBODY can answer your question. Attraction is the big X Factor in any relationship. When you have it, you don't think twice about it. When you don't have it, it's hard to overcome. Which would seem to indicate that you should break up with your boyfriend. Not so fast. I've put a lot of thought into the pros and cons of how much you should weight the lack of physical attraction in a relationship. I urge you to consider this before taking any rash steps.

Reasons for Staying Together Despite a Lack of Physical Attraction

Ask most long-term married couples about the relative importance of sex in their lives, they will generally say things like "It's the dessert, not the main course". And it's true. It's just hard to consider that when you're 27. But realize that in 10 years, you're 37, raising little ones and your life is no longer your own. By 47, your bodies have thickened and drooped. By 57, you're probably finishing menopause and his libido is largely gone. By 67, you're thinking of retirement, travel and grandkids. By 77, you're hoping just to stay healthy, and … Can you see how making a decision based on attraction is a perfect example of short-term thinking? Like getting a tattoo with someone's name on your back and breaking up four months later.

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46 Comments »Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Favorites

46 Responses to “I Am Not Physically Attracted to My Boyfriend. Can We Possibly Have a Future Together?”

Steve 1

Mia;

I have to give you props for your honesty. That is a very difficult thing to tell to someone. Few people do it and it is often a thankless task.

I agree with Evan’s point that there is no one size fits all answer for everyone for this situation. You are going to have to on your own judgment.
Steve 2

I would like to hear people’s thoughts about whether or not it is healthy for Mia’s “boyfriend” to handle the situation the way he has.

If I were him I would sincerely thank Mia for her uncommon and brave honesty. I would also break up with her.

It wouldn’t be about spite or hurt feelings.

It just seems to me that “making yourself suitable” to someone else is a bad way to go into a relationship and sets up an unhealthy power dynamic.

I think it would be better to make use out of Mia’s feedback and go find someone else.

Opinions?
mic 3

There does need to be some aesthetic fondness. Familiarity can help, like just staring at his picture, but it seems that would have helped by now. Is his appearance repulsive? What is meant by “features”? For example, are hair and teeth included? A better hairstyle might help. Some minor dental work might help. Does he look totally different from you? People who look somewhat alike tend to be more suited to each other. Maybe the simplest question is, If he’s not young and has pictures from years ago, would his younger self have been attractive to you?
Kenley 4

Mia,
Be careful what you ask for.

I met a man online who I thought was very attractive and a really nice guy as well. He was tall and lean, but he wore really baggy, boring, unattractive clothes. How he dressed didn’t bother me at all because I liked him and didn’t care about his clothes. One day, however, he mentioned that he hated to who and that his ex use to buy his clothes. I myself had just used the services of a stylist to help me shop so I recommended my stylist to him. The results of wearing modern clothes that fit were astonishing. He looked 15 years younger and a million times sexier. And….. He dumped me two weeks later telling me that he met someone else. I think that because of his makeover, he was able to attract someone younger and more attractive than I was. So, Mia, if your guy becomes too attractive, you may no longer be attractive enough for him!
Steve 5

@Kenley post #4

I wonder if that is why many married men look like giant 12 year olds when they aren’t wearing their work clothes. Their wives strategically dress them that way .
BeenThruTheWars 6

I knew a man once who told his fiancee he didn’t think he could marry her after all because she didn’t have slender legs and ankles. They were thick and sturdy and muscular. “Northern Italian child-bearing ankles,” she jokingly called them. Alas, he was a “leg man.” Those aesthetics were really, really, REALLY important to him. He had always envisioned his wife looking a certain way, and his fiancee didn’t fit that image. It was a real crisis for him, an awful dilemma, because they were perfect together otherwise, but he felt this stood in the way of his physical attraction to her.

She told him that it really came down to one question he needed to ask himself: was his life better with or without her in it? Because those “big” legs were strictly hereditary and weren’t going anywhere. They also were the result of years of strength training she wasn’t about to abandon. In addition, if he wanted to dump her and go out and find a leggy model-type, how would he feel if a month after the wedding she was in a terrible accident or got a debilitating disease and her legs had to be amputated, or wasted away and became disfigured? Were legs really the deal-breaker? Wasn’t it more important to find the one person whom you cared enough about to love through the worst day of her life? And who cared enough about you to love you through the worst day of your life? Ultimately, it’s about companionship and being on the same wavelength, as well as being able to share things and have fun together and, well… LIKE each other through most any situation. To prefer one another’s company to anyone else’s.

He rethought his fears and they got married. They will be celebrating five years together soon, 3.5 of them married, and all of them happy.

Yes – “he” is my husband and “she” is me. We are wonderfully affectionate and have a very active sex life. And we would – and have – loved each other through the worst days we’ve ever faced.
-NN- 7

Finally someone who has a bit similar problem as I do.

I have met plenty of men – over 400 online dates – but if I can’t see myself opening my legs, or kissing a man, if I don’t want him to touch me in any way – there is no point of meeting that person again, no matter how compatible he is.
He has to have something that I find attractive.

I have had relationships like that Mia here descrived, I have tried to get over it.. but it won’t work. I feel like I am a prostitute.. doing sexual things for other reason that physical attraction – I exchange favours to get companionship and good things that come with it, which becomes suffocating and I just feel like I have to get out.

I have friends for company – male and female.
The difference between that and relationship is sexuality.
If I can’t enjoy sex with my partner, if it feels like a chore, if it is something I do to keep the other happy.. It is not fair for him, not fair for me either.
Then he is a friend at max, or he is out of my life if he can’t accept it.

I am rather single and selibate, than with someone whom I find a burden. I totally disagree with the saying that “it is not important” – Sexual attraction is IMPORTANT.. for me at least.

Maybe I sound like a man, but that is how I see it. Men don’t have sex with women that don’t put their mojo up. Why should I?
I am a man then – if that be.

There has to be both – physical compatibility and mental attraction.
If there is not, I am rather single for the rest of my life, than whore myself for companionship that just feels like a prison.
(and btw, I am 39, and lived alone for 14 years of those 39 years and even some 4,5 years of those totally selibate.)

If there is some basic attraction, sure I agree with Evan, but if there is no attraction, (or worst a turn-off) , it is better to let that person to find someone who values his physical side too.
Paul 8

that is the best response Evan has ever wrote. And he ended it with the fact that it is better to be with someone that you are compatible with, than someone your attracted to. Both is good of course, and I don’t think you would want to be, or would be naturally with someone that you are not attracted to, but lets define that a little more. Is it that Mia was not attracted to him, or really, that the guy needs a bit of a makeover, like you see on TV. Hey, don’t laugh, those makeovers are unreal! Just about anyone can be made to be more attractive, and maybe this guy of Mia’s just doesn’t get it. Or maybe is socially inept. Both can be overcome. On the other hand, I don’t think he would even be a boyfriend in the first place if there wasn’t some sort of attraction… people don’t usually get together if one repulses the other. That is what Mia needs to define…is it that the poor slouch needs to polish himself up a bit and get another groove going, or is she really just disgusted with the features that he cannot change?
Honey 9

I agree with what Evan and others have said – if your physical response to him is neutral, then his abilities in bed and quality of character may change how you view him sexually in a positive way. If he repulses you in any way, then cut him loose.
Steve 10

@-NN- post #7

I agree with your post 100 %.

A person isn’t wrong in wanting a satisfying sex life with a person they find attractive. Its not wrong when women want it and it is not wrong when men want it either.

I think that desire is perceived as villainous because usually it is men who speak up about having that desire and it is usually women who are on the losing end of it.

No offense to anyone, I’ve been on that losing end too.

Just making a point.
starthrower68 11

Been Thru The Wars, that is a great story and you are to be congratulated on a successful outcome. However, I think that you are the exception and not the rule. Not that it’s right, fair, etc. just the way it is. We are bombarded with messages of what we should find attractive, sexy, physically appealing and so on, and that is what people want. Whether we are a 5 wanting a 10 or not wanting to be judged ourselves is incidental. Whether I agree with it or not, we’ve all been where Mia is. I’m a bit unsure about her guy’s readiness to change for someone rather than holding out for a woman who loves him as is, but then again, I’m not seeing things from his perspective.
starthrower68 12

BTW, maybe I need some advice because I tend to avoid the conventionally handsome or attractive men, per society’s standards; I don’t trust them.
A-L 13

There have been some good responses so far, and a nice choice of topic, Evan.

On to the OP. If you’re repulsed by your boyfriend then nothing good will happen, end of story.

But explore the middle ground a little. Do you enjoy the physical aspect of your relationship but there are no fireworks going off for you? Or is it more a boring chore that you do while thinking up your “to do” list. If you’re in the first group I’d probably try to stick it out. If it’s the second have you communicated your sexual desires to him? Perhaps with a bit more direction things might become more pleasurable for you.

If things are fine in the bedroom but it’s really just an appearance issue, what is it that bothers you? If it’s clothes/haircut/teeth whitening that’s easily solved since your boyfriend seems willing to do so. If it’s more significant, can it even be done?

I can sympathize with you as I don’t have that knee-buckling, tummy fluttering, fireworks extravaganza with my boyfriend. But I do know that each month we’ve been together that I’ve grown more attracted to him and have acted on that attraction more. I also know that he’s got pretty much everything except that on my wishlist, including loving me just as I am. At the moment I’m just enjoying the time we have together and seeing where things go. And if your relationship is headed on a positive trajectory, meaning that each month things are better than the previous month, then I would continue to date him and see how things go. But if they’re headed downward, then it might be time to let go.
Karl R 14

One observation that I heard from someone who dated some ugly men: there had to be some feature about them that she found “hot”. Based on my own experiences dating women who were less-than-hot, I’m inclined to agree.

Mia said: (original letter)
“he said he will take all the steps necessary to improve himself physically”

This bothers me, but I can see two situations where it might not be as bad as it sounds:
1) The “necessary steps” could be described as better grooming.
2) Her boyfriend had been intending to make those improvements already (losing weight, braces, rhinoplasty).

While I’m not about to get a radical makeover for anyone, I’ve been known to alter the frequency of shaving and haircuts to suit the tastes of the woman I was dating at the time.
Hopeful 15

It’s early in the relationship and you already feel he’s a burden, so it might be best to step back and reevaluate your life, values, and beliefs. Each of us has a right to feel and think the way we do, but we also need to be responsible for our actions, and its consequences. Such as, you let him go and then he finds happiness elsewhere, all of a sudden, you discover he’s the best thing that ever happened to you. Don’t go chasing him down like the movies, but instead, be sincerely happy for the guy and have no regrets.

Your boyfriend’s reply kind of stunned me, but at least you were honest. If you feel bad, just tell him you are still very immature for your age and need more time to learn and grow. I’ve used this line in the past; actually, I still do.
casualencounters.com/blog 16

Seriously, in my opinion it’s all about sharing a sense of humor. Anything else can be overcome. But not “getting” each other’s sense of humor is certain relationship Fail.

casualencounters.com/blog´s last blog post…Forbidden love between one man and his blow-up sex doll. FREE GEORGE BARTUSAK!
Kenley 17

This is such an interesting topic with so many angles to explore….

At first when people objected to the OP’s guy changing his appearance for her, I wholeheartedly agreed that he shouldn’t have to do that. She should just like him for who he is no matter what he looks like. However, I then thought about all the dating advice that men and women are given. And a major one is to look your absolute best…..Are ya fat? Then you better call Jenny. Yellow teeth. Three out of four dentists recommend Crest Whitening Strips. Scrawny body. Get pumped it up at Bally’s. Saggy boobs. Go get Victoria’s Secret (yes, I actually did read that.) Hair cut from the ’70′s. March yourself right to the trendiest salon in town for a cut that would make Stacy and Clinton proud. Most of us that agree looking our best is good advice. So, I think it is interesting that refining or even overhauling our appearance to please some anonymous, non existent person is acceptable, but changing for a specific person that you actually like somehow feels wrong. Why is that?

On the other hand, having once gone out with a guy who didn’t think I was attractive was the most horrible feeling ever — I was heavier than the women he typically liked to date. So, while the OP may think she did her guy a favor in telling him that she didn’t think he was attractive, I’m not so certain she did. What if he does all he can to change the features that offend her and she still doesn’t think he is her match? What then? I think when a man and a woman are really and truly right for each other, he thinks he’s got the greatest all around gal ever and she thinks she’s got the greatest all around guy ever. He falls short of that for her and she told him so. How ego deflating is that for him? It may sound like I am criticizing her for feeling the way she does, but I’m not. I don’t think it’s shallow to want to find your partner attractive and I don’t think people should have to apologize for the way they feel. I just don’t think telling someone you dislike the way they look– even if it easy to change — is a great idea.

Based on the tone of her email, I don’t think they have a chance. Even though he said he would change for her, I didn’t get the impression that she thought he would be successful. So, it seems like there really is zero physical attraction. Moreover, if he hasn’t grown on her by now — based on the way he treats her and their compatibility — I think it’s highly unlikely that it will happen down the road. Thus for her sake and for her guy’s sake, I think she should end it. She deserves more and so does he.
Ava 18

What a fascinating subject! Great post from Evan, in which he really considers all the angles.

I’ve dated men who weren’t 10′s, but whom I was very attracted to because I loved their personalities/sense of humor/lots in common/great sex. Perhaps I was unsure about the physical appearance initially, but after a brief time, that changed. You CAN have great chemistry with a non-gorgeous mere mortal if other elements are in place. I’ve had no chemistry with drop-dead gorgeous men. I’ve also dated men with whom I shared common interests, who weren’t unattractive and were very nice, but for whatever reason, the chemistry never quite jelled. I stuck around, hoping that would change, and ended up regretting it. Tricky thing, this chemistry business, but isn’t that what separates a romantic relationship from a friendship?

Mia isn’t saying that her BF is ugly, but that she doesn’t like his appearance and doesn’t find him attractive. It’s been a few months, and she’s still saying that. Can he change his appearance enough to suit her? Should he even have to? Frankly, it sounds like they are better suited to be friends than romantic partners. I may be going out on a limb here, but I think if Mia were a man, she would have broken up with the guy a while back. I don’t think men waste much time on women they’re not physically attracted to. Do we women second-guess our feelings more than we should?
Selena 19

I’ve dated men I wasn’t overwhelmingly attracted to at first and found the more I got to know and care for them the more attractive they became to me. Like Karl mentioned in #14, I could find something “hot” about them. If Mia still feels unattracted to this man after a few months of dating him, it would seem this hasn’t happened for her and likely won’t. Even though he said he’s willing to change things about his appearance for her, the tone of Mia’s letter suggests she doesn’t really think it would work. I think Mia’s better off going with her gut here and letting the guy go. Better that than him putting himself through all kinds of hoops only to find it makes no difference in the way she feels about him regardless. *It* is either there or it’s not.

I’m curious though as to what changes he is willing to make. My sense of my own attractiveness as well as my self confidence soared when I finally had some long put off dental work done. Same with gaining or losing 15 pounds as I have in the last 5 years. A flattering haircut, or clothing can have the same effect. If Mia’s man is open to a makeover of sorts, it might have a surprising positive effect on his sense of self whether it wins Mia over or not. He might find the woman who really does feel *it* with him – not because of the way he looks as much as the boost of self confidence he gains and projects.
Lance 20

I haven’t even read the blog post yet, just the headline, and the answer is NO.
Lance 21

Okay, just read the letter and response.

Couple of points:
1. She states the guy isn’t ugly. The way I interpret this is that his presentation is lame and he has no “style.” The way he looks is indistinct or screams beta. The truth is, most guys don’t have awesome bone structures and aren’t classically hot…but with some nice threads, a cool haircut, good posture and body language, that same ugly guy is now handsome. He needs to fix his presentation.

2. Which leads me to #2. Internally, the guy is beta, and this is what is really turning her off. Notice she said he made long term plans too soon. That means he’s clingy and trying to her lock her down. The guy has confidence issues and is immature when it comes to relationships and sex. He’s probably lousy in the sack, too.

Conclusion: They shouldn’t be together. The guy needs to grow internally and fix his presentation. She needs to tell him this. He needs to do some reading and get honest feedback from trusted sources and become a better man.
mic 22

He said he will take all the steps necessary to improve himself physically.

Didn’t notice that before. Wow. That sounds like he is too eager to be with her, which in and of itself might be linked to his appearance and of course hers. Too bad what he looks like is a mystery. Other important parts of the story – for example, how much each person values physical intimacy – also are missing. Anyway, thanks for the de facto endorsements of professional image help
mic 23

So, I think it is interesting that refining or even overhauling our appearance to please some anonymous, non existent person is acceptable, but changing for a specific person that you actually like somehow feels wrong. Why is that?

Kenley, it probably is considered “wrong” for a man because it means the woman has the power and that he’s “beta” and not the dominant man (which implicity suggests manly-looking, at least when younger) that women typically want. Until recently, it wasn’t considered at all “wrong” for a woman to do much upkeep or “refining” for a man’s sake, but not to the extent of surgically changing her features to something they never were. Of course there also elements of appearance that very much reflect personality, such that changing them is like changing personality, which feels “wrong” to do for anyone else’s sake and probably cannot work in the long run.

Another reply talked about why women try to fight their feelings. Women are more pragmatic in matters of love, it’s been shown. Their attempted compromising on looks might explain a lot of break-ups that mystify men. Look at John Edwards – women will tolerate much more from men they find quite physically attractive.
mic 24

By the way, among personality-linked appearance elements somebody probably shouldn’t change mostly for the sake of a potential specific or actual partner is overall style. Bah to any image professional whose priority isn’t making the client satisfied with his or her personal style. Change the hair somewhat, change the footwear somewhat, wear the right sizes, but don’t for example dress conservative when you have artistic leanings.
starthrower68 25

I think women have to be careful about being starstruck by a guy. Been there done that and have come to realize that is a huge warning sign that I’m not seeing things objectively. I fell head-over-heels in “lust” for a very attractive man a couple of years ago and I completely ignored his lack of character. It didn’t take long to find it out, either. I’m not saying that all beautiful people have no character but I’m saying that one must be careful not to be so caught up in that so that one’s objectivity is clouded.
Eathan 26

I agree.. attraction is the X-factor. I’ve had relationships end because one of us didn’t have enough attraction to each other.

Eathan´s last blog post…She’s Out The Closet
downtowngal 27

I agree with the poster above who said that after 5 months of dating, if it’s not there it probably never will be.

Maybe you should have a break, that way your true feelings will become evident. If you miss him then there’s a shot. If not then you have your answer.

Attraction is subjective; I’ve found guys who are conventionally attractive to be a turnoff based on their character or how they’ve treated me. And I had a serious boyfriend whom many might not have considered attractive at all, yet his smile, intelligence and unconditional interest in me turned me on.

Attraction is very important to relationships, and for women, especially, because studies have shown that the more attracted you are to your partner, the better the sex and the easier it is for you to conceive.
Angela 28

What ever other attributes this guy has it does not seem to offset his looks. One of my best relationships was with a guy that I initially didn’t like how he looked. He pursued me really hard and when we met and I got to know him, his personality overshadowed how I feel about his looks. Plus he had a nice body!!!! I think she needs to move on and just be this guys friend
hunter 29

A womans’ biggest mistake, when she selects with her eyes. But didn’t our creator build people that way, just to keep this place populated? Sometimes, we almost have to think that way just to maintain our sanity.
downtowngal 30

Hunter, I think it’s everyone’s mistake. But in this case they’ve been dating for a few months, long enough for someone to get over the physical attraction stage.
Margaret 31

I love Evan, but I cannot help but notice that his wife, who is *three* whole years older, is very attractive. Hence, his argument is rather moot. Somehow, I don’t see him with a Christina Onassis clone…thick ankles, legs, etc.

Let’s not kid ourselves. Attraction is *very* important. The caveat is that it means different things to different people.

I myself know that *I* have to find the man attractive, even if the rest of the world does not.

No offense, Evan, just sayin’
Margaret 32

Lance #21,

Beautifully put. My sentiments exactly. A guy does NOT have to be Brad Pitt, but bland and flavorless and beta is not sexy either.
hunter 33

Margaret, I have heard such words from women who can doll up very well. Now, if most of us men can stay away from these “dolls”, we might put some these dating sites out of business…
David Gideon 34

Hi, Mia.

Your boyfriend’s problems do not end with his looks. The bigger issue is that he’s too attached to you, which shows insecurity and a general lack of confidence on his part. This will annoy you more and more as time goes by.

Another problem is that he’s willing to improve his physical appearance for you to stay with him.

He should have an internal desire for excellence that drives him, not that a woman will like him if he does it. This also shows an inner-weakness that will become more and more unbearable to any woman over time, not just you.

I’d wager that if this guy was more confident, positive, happy, humorous, and committed to his own excellence… His looks would matter much less.

David Gideon

David Gideon´s last blog post…How To Talk To And Date Models
Peter 35

Hey Mia, would love to know what you decided. So many of the responses on here show the uniquely American approach to relationships, Shopping for mr. perfect. In my experience, Europeans tend to celebrate the oddities of a person as part of what makes the person unique, while american’s see it as flaws in some sort of genetic social darwinism. There are reasons we have expressions…beauty is skin deep, it comes from the wise. Finding someone who loves you unconditionally is a rarety, and should be treasured. You may find he has much more confidence than you think…it take a mountain of it to truly love some one. Change what you’re looking at, and CHOOSE to see the beauty in him.
A-L 36

Very interesting, Peter (#35). I can’t comment on the accuracy of the European vs. American perspective. But the idea of the “U.S.” version as social darwinism for generic perfection is something I hadn’t thought of before. But I think that everyone can agree with you that, “Finding someone who loves you unconditionally is a rarety, and should be treasured.”
Kat 37

I just found this site and this post the girl’s situation sounds very familiar. The only difference in my case is the guy is 4 yrs younger and I am a single mom which makes my mental state of priorities different. The physical attraction is not totally there, I think because I know he is younger than me. Also that I have known him for the last 3 yrs as my friends younger brother. But to make a long story short after talking as friends for 2 months he tries to convince me that he will do anything to make himself more appealing to me.
Physically he is a good looking guy, just looks his age. Otherwise our personalities blend well and have an unbelievable amount of things in common and a good connection. I have told him a number of times I see him only as a friend and what he does to get himself together is great but to do it for himself and not to impress me. A number of people have said to me to enjoy the devotion but I feel that leading him on is not right. After another 2 months I see him acting more maturely and has made progress in his determination to become more successful.
We have a group of friends we share and when we see each other he is very attentive to me and my son and shows his willingness to be the “guy for me”. We have shared a few kisses but most of which have happened while I was upset and he was trying to cheer me up or I have kissed him while a bit intoxicated. He is very respectful and says he adores me. I don’t know if I can see a future with him and am torn as to what to do to. I have dated other guys but it never really works for a other reasons also I am not looking to be in a monogamous relationship right now.
He says he is willing to wait for whatever reason. I have considered his courtship after 6 months of him insisting but I make him keep his intentions on the down low as they say. Otherwise I feel he will take things to serious. But to respond to the post my two cents is this…. If the physical attraction is not there look for the possibility of becomes friends. Sometimes that spark isn’t there and you can’t make it work she might appriciate everything about him but she will eventually look else where and have can cheat which will cause the ruin of the relationship/friendship.
Kirra 38

I found this post, and it really hits home with me. I’m in a similar situation. I truly LOVE this man I am with, but our sex life is really struggling. There are many reasons why, but (although I tried to deny it to myself) I am attracted, but still missing a certain level of attraction and desire that I have am used to, and have always had in past relationships. He has picked up on this and asks me if its an attraction thing, and I deny it.
There are other ‘complications’ persay which lead to us not having sex (timing, work schedules, roomates, etc..) but those things have never stopped me in the past. I feel like a horrible person because I want it to work with him, I really do. But as Marc says “there has to be some measure of attraction or its a recipe for wandering eyes and future infidelity.” YIKES! I am NOT a cheater, and don’t think I could ever go through with it even if I was close to doing it. But… I have found myself thinking about other men constantly… not in a way that I want to have a relationship with them… just sexual thoughts. Why can’t I have these thoughts about my own boyfriend??
If we attempt to have sex, it gets weird. Because it feels like something we should be doing. And there’s an expectation for it to be good. I’m thinking about all the pressures and intricacies of the situation, and not whats happening and what I’m feeling as he is kissing me in the moment. I will be laying there with him, thinking about work, about my schedule, about the problems with our sex life (And thus ous relationship) and I think about other men too. I end up so distracted, that I am barely making an effort, and its an epic fail. Should I try having a couple drinks before? I’m thinking that maybe we just need to actually HAVE sex a few times before this situation can be criticized.

Does this make me a horrible person?!?!!? PLEASE HELP.
Sayanta 39

Kirra-

It doesn’t make you horrible- it just means you need to tell him how to be better in bed. ;-P
Not attracted to bf physically but love him yet feel like breaking up? « Welcome to my Life 40

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ange 41

i think its not so much about the actual classical handsomeness so much as physical chemistry, pheromones if you will. Men always tell women that certain things just work with them because of biology. Sure, cultural expectations are also to blame but yes yes yes – there is a reason one person is attracted to someone and the other just isnt. It’s about the best possible match geneticlly. Women have really strong sense of who they are attracted to physically, even if the man is not a classic hottie, it’s about a certain hormone that actually tell a women – the man will give her healthy off spring. It’s not just me blabbing what i think, yes i read it in a book lol!! you just shoudnt force yourself to be attracted to someone you are simply not. Sometimes im not attracted to the best lookig men becuse i just dont feel it. Listen to those impluses, they tell you something.
ayejay0601 42

Mia-

My thoughts are this: There are an intricate interwoven thread between physical features and personalities. As a guy, I can tell you that many girls with bad personalities become much uglier to me and I know several girls who are very attractive (girls who I originally wanted to sleep with) who I no longer have any desire to be physical with because of their personalities.

And I think something similar may be going on here. This person probably checks off many of the criteria on your list. But his neediness, his willingness to change for you and his general lack of confidence make it difficult to feel attraction for this man.

I bet if this same guy came to you with an “i dont give a damn” attitude and “take me or leave me as i am” personality, you would feel much more attracted to him.

Many of the most desirable men in the world are not good looking. But they have an attitude that is irrestible to women. In short, what I am saying is that, without knowing more about him (you say he is not ugly), its probably his attitude (or lack of attitude) that makes you not attracted to him.

One more example, I was deeply in love with my ex. She was very attractive but gained a lot of weight over our time together by the end, she was no longer attractive. But I loved her so much, regardless because we had so many pleasant memories together.

So what’s my advice? Let me ask you this: Do you like being with this person? Do you like cooking with him, watching movies together, trying new hobbies, traveling with this person? If so, I think you should spend more time with this person and see where it goes.
angel 43

I think physical attraction is very important as well as emotion attraction. If you don’t have both initially in the early stage I don’t think you will ever have a good long term relationship. I would break up now before you cause each other lots of grief. Asking someone to change may be too much depending on what changes you want to make. An attraction can last for years with the right people. I know when I have felt repulsion for a man that has never turned to attraction no matter what they do, if it’s not there it’s not going to be ever.
Wondering?! 44

Hi! I’m in the same situation right now with a guy who is awesome but not unlike myself short. But he is balding with long side hair..and wide bone structure at the hips so he looks like a triangle or you know one of those cartoon men that are really wide in the middle and wear a whirly bird hat? Know the type? But beautiful eyes and the most sweet, kind and generous man! I wish so much that I was attracted to him in the least bit…but I’m not! He has amazing eyes but I am freaking out worrying that some time soon, he will try to kiss me. We’ve been psuedo hanging out for a year now and I know…..I will never be attracted to him. On the other hand where I live, there are no guys to date. There are lots of gay men, married men and out of work construction workers. I’m super lonely and tired of being alone, but thinking about the beautiful guys I’ve dated who were cruel users in the end. I can’t help the way I feel naturally and so….I don’t know what to do. i’m older now and most guys my age want to date younger women although everyday someone tells me how I only look half my age. I’m wanting a serious relationship, but only find guys who want to get laid these days, so I’ve become a very lonely hermit – back in school and trying to ignore my feelings of hurt and loneliness while kinda stringing this guy along because he is so generous and kind to me. I don’t want to hurt him, and am trying to be open about maybe changing my mind, but ultimately….men are biologically born to look for beauty and women are biologically born to seek resources. How is beauty any different than money? And…since men use women’s for their bodies, and you know it’s true that women in our society are objectified and images of their bodies bought and sold mostly for men and men’s profit on many levels while women in porn more so than not never orgasm and when they grow old, their husband leave them to perv on a younger bitch. law of the jungle which makes me want to be celibate and hermit like. Sometimes I just want to give up but sometimes want to keep hoping, but for now give up and figure that if Mr. Right comes along…it is meant to be. In the meanwhile I’m bored but working on myself, went back to school, praying a lot, working on more positive thinking patterns, and not dating anyone. Trying to be friends with men but it seems they don’t want to be friend only and only want to get laid – which I find so painful – hence I’m alone. Better alone than with someone who doesn’t really meet your needs on any level. It’s all so confusing and really…is companionship or sex worth all that in the end? Tired and sick and bored, sad, lonely afraid – but…willing to admit it. No good guys here for a million years – still single and almost 50. Decent looking and people tell me I have good energy when I’m with them,….but apparently, not good enough. it’s a put out (in one way or another) or get out kinda world out there. Every man for himself?
Xavier 45

I am facing the same problem. I met my boyfriend almost three months ago, he is very kind and overall a nice person but sexually I am just not attracted to him, the sex feels like a chore and he always wants sex. He has also already made long term plans. We are very different in personal lives as well, he is kind of ghetto and speaks ghetto he doesnt have a Bachelor’s degree and I am working towards my PhD, I dont mind that he doesnt have a Bachelor’s degree but I do have a problem with him speaking in ghetto and that sexually I am just not attracted towards him. He doesnt take care of his body and is always eating butter drinking coffee and smoking, while I goto gym at least 2 times a week and I try to eat healthy as much as I can.
Jason Miller 46

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that your boyfriend’s looks are only part of the issue. Here’s the quote from you that I’m referring to:

I am concerned sometimes he is too attached to me and the way he started to make long term plans with me quite soon, but this isn’t a real problem.

Actually, I would argue strongly that it is. You may be comfortable with long term plans, but it appears you are responding naturally to his state of being “too attached.” Put simply, he is being needy and clingy toward you and that is justifiably a huge turnoff for you. I’d take it a step further and suggest that he’s not demonstrating enough masculinity for you to feel attracted to him. So don’t assume it’s all about looks. It’s about confidence and masculinity too. Think of all the rather average looking men in relationships with good looking women. It’s not always about the looks.