Become the Woman that No Man Can Ever Leave

I’m still buzzing from the email that I got from my former client, Michelle. And let me say, that Michelle is one of my favorite clients ever.

Always good-humored, always confident, always present – and, most importantly, always coachable, Michelle saw instant results in working with me.

She attracted a man who was different than her previous boyfriends – and that’s exactly what she needed. After all, Michelle will be the first to tell you that she’s a bit of a handful. And after dominating (and losing respect) for her last guy, she craved the attention of a man who was a little more alpha.

Men don’t stay with women who treat them as incomplete projects – they bond with women who make them feel good.

She got him – and she got all the problems that come with being with such a man.

She couldn’t tell him what to do.

She couldn’t make him say that he loved her fast enough.

She couldn’t ensure that he wanted to stick around for the future.

Although Mark treated her great, he was still very much a MAN. Early 50’s, successful, busy, a divorced father of a teenaged son, he felt very fortunate to have landed a 33-year-old stunner like Michelle.

All of the stories that Michelle told me reiterated how much he valued her, and at the time that she gave me this testimonial that’s on my Commitment Course page, she was in a great comfort zone with Mark.

He treated her well, he told her he loved her, he put up with her self-proclaimed “brattiness,” and he alluded to a future together.
But all relationships have their challenges, and Mark and Michelle were no different.

The elephant in the room for this couple was that Michelle very much wants to have kids, while Mark never really anticipated that he’d be a father again in his 50’s.

While I was coaching Michelle through the first four months of their relationship (and intermittently in between), I cautioned her to NOT put any pressure on him about getting married and having kids. While theoretically, she could be “wasting” her time with him, my advice was to let him fall in love with her.

If he did, she would have a lot more leverage when the baby talk came up, as opposed to trying to extract an answer out of him in the early stages of the relationship.

This worked like a charm. Because really, it was no secret that Michelle wanted to be a Mom, and since Mark was a man of integrity, he wanted to do right by his girlfriend. He agreed, last July, to be the future father of her children.

Then he changed his mind a few months later.

No matter how much he loved Michelle, Mark just couldn’t pull the trigger on a second round of fatherhood, and they tearfully parted ways.

True love will find you sooner rather than later – as long as you prioritize your love life.

I was sad for Michelle, but very proud at how she handled herself. Despite her high-maintenance tendencies, she became better at understanding Mark’s needs and point of view, and created the healthiest relationship that she’d ever had before.

Every time she wanted to criticize him for how he handled his relationship with his son, or his ex-wife, or his boss, she remembered that men don’t stay with women who treat them as incomplete projects – they bond with women who make them feel good.

Most importantly, from our work together, Michelle knew that her future husband wants to be a dad, and thus, she had no regrets about walking away when she did.

That was the last I’d heard from Michelle. Until today.

Turns out that her breakup only lasted for one week.

Mark loved Michelle.

Her playfulness, her sexiness, and yes, even her attitude and mood swings. After spending a year and a half together, Mark realized that he couldn’t imagine life without her. Which is as it should be.

And while I give Michelle credit for becoming the woman that no man can ever leave, Michelle actually gives ME credit. Here’s a snippet of her note to me:

I asked him why he had a change of heart and finally came to this conclusion.  He said because he’s in love with me. 

I can’t tell you what this has done for me in this relationship.  I feel so relieved and at ease with it all. 

Evan, you taught me to be playful, lighthearted, patient, kind and compassionate. 

You’re an AMAZING (THE BEST) dating coach!

Thank you.  


Love,

Michelle

I love Michelle and I love this story.

A confident, successful, attractive woman in her mid-30s finds a masculine, confident man, wins him over with her feminine energy, and makes herself so indispensable to his life that he can’t imagine being without her.

I’m attending their wedding this summer in San Francisco and I couldn’t be more excited for the both of them.

Know that this is within your grasp and that true love will find you sooner rather than later – as long as you prioritize your love life like Michelle did.

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Boss

    But its easier for a woman in her thirties than fifties – men once again are driven by age and looks.

    1. 1.1
      Morgan

      @Boss:

      Not the point….

  2. 2
    Mia

    This is a heartwarming story. I agree that we should all be the best partner we can be and not pressure, chase or nag a man. However, it’s just not true that if you’re a great partner a man will want to stick around. I’ve been exactly that woman to multiple men who still didn’t want a relationship with me. And I don’t think these man would have had anything particularly bad to say about me, they just weren’t in a place for a deeper relationship, it was bad timing, or didn’t feel a deeper connection.

    This becomes even clearer when I swap dating stories with my many guy friends. I can think of four off the top of my head who recently dated people they kind of flaked out on. They would never be able to say these women did something WRONG — things just never developed, and they would be astonished if those women were crying into an ice cream dish wondering how they erred.

    A lot of girls are so prone to thinking they did something wrong or weren’t good enough and that mentality will drive you into depression. Just follow what I consider to be the better part of Evan’s dating advice: push through rejection, continue going on dates. The right guy will appreciate your good qualities.

  3. 3
    Nicole

    Wow! What a beautiful story. Gives me hope that everything happens for a reason. I’m glad there was a happy ending, by the way!!!

  4. 4
    Maya

    Aww, need to hear more happy endings!

  5. 5
    Mona

    LOL. He’s 20 years older than a self admitted sexy stunner. It took him ONE WEEK of partying with his cronies to realize he’d never find another like her.

    I reallllly loved this story and hope against hope that it works out for her but I feel a divorce is in the future before that baby is 2 years old.

    I wish her all the best but I sense that her dominating tendencies WILL come out eventually and he WILL also realize he can get another younger woman if he’s so rich, powerful and confident – and he’s stuck with a nag. Unless he’s tired of “the game” and wants to “retire” eventually. In that case: true change is AMAZING and RARE and GOOD FOR THEM.

    I hope they make it last… :-)

    I started reading this blog even before my divorce was final, took some time, then dated. I do everything Evan says and can have handfuls of men at my disposal – but are they the ones I want? Personally my feminine energy I think freaks some men out. I’m VERY domestic. They come to have a dinner made for them Date X and are astounded at how gracious and warm I am…why does this scare them off? I have made NOT ONE GESTURE toward a future with them – yet they see my beautiful life as something I somehow want to “foist” on them.

    Ummmmm other way around. Yes I am lonely at times but no way will I settle ever again like I did with my first husband. I’m a feminine, submissive gracious female who just wants a man to love and care for and mutual respect. My best friend David says that I scare them WITH my competence. NO not an “alpha” female. I’m very very feminine. I just think 14 years of marriage at a young age made me WAY more domestic than the average career woman 33 year old. Men are terrified they can’t “measure up” is what I hear. :-(

    Believe me I date allllll types as I feel I HAVE “no” type. Yanno? I am now trying TO Figure that out. I’ve dated multi millionaire attorney types and also younger philosophy student types with not a penny to their name. LOL. I am looking for my best friend and that’s sooo hard to find nowadays. :-(

    Anyhow: still wish the OP success but somehow my jadedness is coming to the fore – not sure what it is but something about the story struck me as almost too cliche. Sorry. :-(

    1. 5.1
      Cheri

      Hi Mona..

      You sound like a wonderful woman!  Perhaps just showing intermittent hints of that to your new date is more mysterious for him.  A man only connects and “feels good” around you when he is catering to YOU.  It makes him feel masculine.  Lean back and give him the “gift” of working at unlocking all the goodness he is sensing in you. That is your feminine action.  Men LOVE the reward only when they feel they have earned it!  Crazy but….soooo true!!

      Good Luck Mona and make ‘em work for the Awesome Mona!!

      Cheri 

  6. 6
    maria

    Yeah, yeah, yeah, Evan. I wish I could be just “so happy for Michelle.”
    Why, exactly, are we supposed to be happy for a 33 year old who is about to become the “Trophy Wife” of a 50-something Alpha male who wouldn’t even consider a woman closer to his own age??
    It is all about her looks and her youth and has absolutely nothing to do with who she is inside.
    You have said in the past that men are completely superficial and this is definitely more proof!
    I have a 51 year old wealthy friend who is going through this right now, his beautiful 30 year old girlfriend is pressuring him for marriage and children, and his divorce isn’t even final!!
    He is so concerned with impressing his friends with her youth and her looks, however, that he is allowing himself to be talked into another marriage before his 1st one is even over!!
    I find all of this very sad and disturbing and I am sorry to say that I am in no way happy for Michelle.
    Just my opinion…like Mona, I have seen too much, and this story IS a “Trophy Wife” cliche.
    She is his plaything to show off to his friends, and I agree with Mona..there is a divorce in the future, unless he gets sick and needs a nursemaid.

  7. 7
    Fiona

    This woman has ended up with a man old enough to be her own father with baggage so no success story. I am surprised she needed a dating coach to manage to find this relationship. It sounds like my worst nightmare.

    A “success” story in my book would be an alpha woman who meets an alpha man in more or less the same age group not alpha woman settles for alpha man old enough to be her father or alpha woman ends up stuck being bread winner for beta man of similar age who is incapable of it.

    1. 7.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Fiona and @Maria - I’m sad for you that you have such bitterness towards the world that you are willing to publicly rain on someone else’s parade.

      It is certainly not your place to say, Maria, that he doesn’t love her for who she is on the inside. I know her very well and she’s BEAUTIFUL on the inside. You have absolutely no idea what’s going on in his life or why he chose her. How can you say that she’s merely a trophy wife for him to show off when you’ve neither met him or her? That’s right. You can’t.

      And Fiona, Michelle didn’t “settle” at ALL. She had run through a series of beta boyfriends that she didn’t respect and finally found a MAN that was worthy of her. I’m going to her wedding with my wife in July. And whether you’d want to date an older man or not is entirely irrelevant: both parties, I can assure you, are extremely happy.

      To sum up, you can both leave this blog right now. The world needs more women like Michelle. It needs a lot fewer haters like you.

      1. 7.1.1
        Janey

        Sorry Evan you are wrong
          The ‘haters’ they hit the nail on the head 100%

  8. 8
    Liz

    What I took of it, was this women found a man she was interested in, remained happy with herself so that she could show that to him, and when it became clear he was waffling on children walked away gracefully. Any women will have one conflict with a man, whether it be brattiness, or something else. If there is only one thing about your character you compromise in a relationship that is a good sign. Walking away from a kind, loving, successful, and attractive man, no matter what his age is, is difficult. Good for her, she did it with grace, on a non-negotiable point, and he came back. She allowed him to cherish her, and when she was gone he realized he missed her. This is all very hard, to walk forward, and not know if he will snap back. It is very hard to trust your heart and the process of a man like this falling in love. They won’t gush feeling, they won’t make lots of promises for the future, (because their promises are important and not to be taken lightly) and they have to realize they are in love, which takes time.

  9. 9
    Ileana

    Hey, Evan. This one bit in your article that confused me a little:

    ‘Every time she wanted to criticize him for how he handled his relationship with his son, or his ex-wife, or his boss, she remembered that men don’t stay with women who treat them as incomplete projects – they bond with women who make them feel good.’

    Ok, so what DID she do then? Did she just fight her instinct of trying 2 help him in certain areas of his life by making a few observations? Does this mean that we shouldn’t give advice to men unsolicited? I have the feeling that i am walking a fine line here… – so, if he was a terrible dad, did she just shut up?…

    I know this might be a bit much to ask, but could you please enlighten me here?

    BTW, I personally feel happy for Michelle- reluctant, but happy. I just hope she didn’t settle for Mark… Other than that, congrats :D

    1. 9.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Ileana - Yes, don’t give unsolicited advice to men. If you don’t like how he is as a father, boyfriend or human being, go find another guy. If he asks for your feedback because something’s not working, you can be sure to give him your constructive criticism. It’s exactly how you’d like to be treated, by the way.

  10. 10
    nikoletta

    You say to Maria and Fiona to leave the blog because the world needs a lot fewer haters like them.. Really? In my opinion the world needs people who feel free to express their different opinions. Personally, i generally enjoy your articles a lot, but your answer this time doesn’t sound so democratic to me.

    1. 10.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @nikoletta – The world does need people to express their different opinions. I was just so personally offended by their ignorance – and genuinely upset that they’d dare insult my friend and client – that I decided to kick them both out of my house. America may be a democracy. My blog is not.

  11. 11
    tammy

    I feel that women like Michelle are a dime a dozen, especially in the world of 50-something divorced Alpha males looking for a younger, very beautiful second wife. Some cynics call them “Gold-diggers,” but in this case, I will give your girl the benefit of the doubt and wish her well! I hope that he gets a Pre-Nup, though, if he is that wealthy!

  12. 12
    lisa

    Evan,
    With all due respect, this girl seems to be more of a “friend” than a “client.” Maybe a relative? I can’t think of any other reason for your violently irrational response to Maria and Fiona. Maybe your closeness to this person blinds you to the fact that from the outside, this really does sound like just another 30 – something pretty girl, (with the added help of BRILLIANT COACHING), snagging another wealthy 50-something Alpha male who wants a Trophy Wife… baby or no baby. Maybe step back and take a breath? I wish them all the best, by the way! :)

    1. 12.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Nope @lisa – she’s just a client. We’ve never met in person. Probably spent 20 hours on the phone over a couple of years. And regardless of what it “sounds like” to you, since you have absolutely zero knowledge of the parties involved, your opinion is not only irrelevant, but flat-out wrong. We’re talking about a very happy and compatible couple here.

      You can offer dissents to my dating advice all you want, but when it comes time to insulting someone? Me? My wife? My clients? You’re gone.

  13. 13
    Julia

    This was a wonderful read! Wish her a BIG congrats. :D

    It DOES show that a strong, successful, and confident woman (with all the personality that comes with that) can find someone of the same temperament by changing how they interact in the relationship. She became his complement.

    Thank you Evan for your responses. I was getting upset reading all the negativity! It’s ironic that this happens whenever you post a new and happy beginning.

    I believe that if you are struggling in the dating world and this post about her transformation only confuses you, you have a few options. Join Evan’s coaching service, change the way you see yourself and dating, or be negative. If you aren’t positive and happy in your current life then it will come through in the dating. (See Evan’s past post)

    This shows that with positive coaching, a change in attitude, and a commitment to love (finding it in another and yourself), you can forge a healthy, committed relationship. :)

  14. 14
    Zaq

    I’m sorry, but I do not see a problem here.
    A high value woman (she looks more like 26 than 33) and a high value (read confident wealthy mature male) are perfectly suited.

    They both get something out of the relationship that they want and I am sure they both sincerely love each other, despite what many women here want to believe.
    The talk of “trophy” and “gold digging” is just jealous nonsense.

    The only thing I find annoying is that I usually get stamped on for “not getting it”. Sorry, I DO get it.

  15. 15
    linda

    @Zaq,
    Spoken like a true, gloves off (women over a certain age have “low” value) male, and NO, ZAQ, you certainly DON’T get it. The insensitivity and blindness of your view go way beyond this particular couple’s story.

    1. 15.1
      Keith

      Shhh.  Telling the truth is being “insensitive”.
       

  16. 16
    sandra

    Evan. Love and read your blog. But,I want to comment. The two “haters” have their own views, based on their own emotions. Obvious to an intelligent person (including me :-) is that their comments are not based on knowledge of Michelle or her situation, but, which seem stem from their own (unknown to us) hurt.
    I see no reason to take such harsh action; to ban them.
    I would hope that we might try to reach them on the level they require, with compassion and a desire to connect, a hope to help them heal.

    1. 16.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @sandra - Three things:

      1) I appreciate your compassion. It’s a nice sentiment and it says a lot about you.

      2) My entire career is helping women understand and connect with men. And after 9 years of doing this, I’ve learned that if someone has that much irrational bitterness or hatred towards strangers, or such a skewed view of life based on previous hurts, it’s not within my capacity to “help them heal” in a hundred word blog comment.

      3) I would rather have no readers than readers who think that they can spew negativity and venom under the name of “democracy”. Not all speech is created equal. Not all view points are equal. I have access to facts about this inspiring couple. Maria and Fiona did not. So while I feel bad that they’re such sad and angry people that they’d begin to slander a happy bride whose wedding is in less than a month, I don’t have the patience or tolerance to show them the error of their ways. I do hope that they find their way and I wish them all the best. Everyone deserves love. Even 52 year old men who want to marry women in their 30′s.

      1. 16.1.1
        SaM

        This is my very first comment after discovering this blog and I can’t help myself to share some of my views about this situation. Humans can can be haters. Man and woman alike. You can feel free to comment on a lot of things but I think that people forget that it does not have to be all bout you. Especially this blog is about 2 people that seems to get what they really want in their lives. As time passes by a lot of relationships fail because we always think of ourselves. Of what our opinions and that we always seems to want other people to behave what we view of what “perfect and happy relationship” means. We forget that everybody is slightly different from the other. As far as the 2 girls involved being so negative about this, they forget that this blog is not about they’re personal experience. It’s about having love and choices the 2 couples made for themselves that they said they’re happy about. We only know little details of what’s going on and yet we tend to put our personal bitterness on the issue that probably has nothing to do with them. I don’t see anything wrong about sharing your views but if it’s about some happiness of others you can probably say something about the situation without being such a hater and basically offending people around you. In this sense, I myself had a lot of debates about this kind of people and sometimes the only way I can get out of negativity is to not care about how they think. I don’t necessarily respect what they think but I will accept as a human being what will they say and if that’s what they believe in, good for them but I’d rather not put myself into a crowd like this. So i guess that’s what Evan did. He can’t helped them if they only think about they’re personal grudges in life. People need more understanding in this world to become a good human being not just for yourself but for people around you. If they’re happy and you totally cared about them, then in return you’ll be happy. But sometimes people can take advantage of this and so you need to be smarter than that. I guess that’s what couching helps us for.

  17. 17
    helene

    Well, at the risk of getting thrown off the blog, I have to say this sounds a bit like the phenomenon in the film “He’s just not that into you…” one of those urban myth type scenarios where someone’s cousin’s friend walked away from a guy who wasnb’t delivering what she felt she deserved then he comes crawling back (in the rain) clutching flowers and declaring undying love… I’m not saying it didn’t happen – I’m sure it did – but as the film points out, this is the EXCEPTION and not the rule. As such, this sort of story is unhelpful rather than helpful to the average dater. It is not BECAUSE this woman did x y or z that things worked out for her – quite simply, the Gods smiled on her. That’s great for her, but fosters unrealistic expectations in others, and causes those who don’t get their “happy ending” to end up feeling they did something wrong. I too was with a (younger) guy who said he wanted to have kids with me then changed his mind (even though he was the one who wanted kids!) as it “wasn’t the right time ” for him. I broke up with him as I felt that ultimately he would leave me when it WAS the right time – for someone still young enough to give him the kids he wanted. I walked away. He didn’t come back. No flowers in the rain for me. Not trying to rain on anyone’s parade….just sayin’.

    1. 17.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Helene, if you’re not insulting me or people I know, you can say whatever you want here. But I still disagree with your point. What Michelle did was exactly what I taught her – and it was the difference between her getting married and remaining single. She didn’t pressure him. She didn’t give him false ultimatums. She spent a year and a half being the best girlfriend she could be and showed him what his life would be like if he stayed with her. When he waffled on kids, she walked. And after a week without her, he decided that he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life.

      The fact that your guy didn’t come back doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It just means it was the wrong guy. But by learning to understand men and be a great girlfriend, you significantly increase your odds of having a man WANT to commit to you. Which is why all the Rori Raye Circular Dating nonsense drives me up a wall. If you pressure him for a ring after 8 months, he’s not marrying you. If you start dating other men, he’s not marrying you. If you start freaking out about your biological clock, he’s not marrying you. Let him fall in love with you, give him a great girlfriend experience and let him choose you. And if he doesn’t, it’s his loss and it’s NOT YOUR FAULT.

      And @Ruby – you can ignore Zaq. Are men attracted to younger women? Sure. Duh. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t MILLIONS of women in their 40′s, 50′s, 60′s and 70′s finding love each year. Don’t fall into that all or nothing trap because some guy paints a picture of a black/white world where women can no longer be attractive after a certain age.

  18. 18
    Ruby

    Linda #19

    This is exactly why women get pissed off when they hear stories like Michelle’s, because they are too often told that women of a certain age are of “low value”. Most of EMK’s clients are older than the woman in the story, and these are the very women who struggle to find a good guy their own age. In Zaq’s view, the 33 year has even higher value because he assumes that she looks “more like 26.” Apparently, even 33 isn’t young enough.

    If Michelle is truly happy, that’s fine, but with the dating struggles and constant barrage of “over the hill” messages, I can understand why it doesn’t make many of us “low value” types feel so great.

  19. 19
    linda

    @ RUBY #23
    Thank you so much for your understanding!!! You GET IT!! :):):)

  20. 20
    Brenda

    I love reading this blog and have learned so much from Evan, especially his “Why He Disappeared” book. I was married for many many years before divorcing at 38. At that point I had two girls to raise and had to learn to date all over again…and it was often painful. Fast forward to now…I’m 47 years old and having the dating time of my life. I’m the successful businesswoman that Evan talks about. I can definitely be in charge, but love to let someone take care of me in a relationship. At this point, I’m in a relationship with a 50 year old, very successful, tall, dark, handsome, charming, generous man. It can happen. We’ve been together about 18 months. He tells me how lucky he is to have found me. He wants to make this permanent. I’m not sure what I’ll decide at this point; however, its MY choice. So Evan’s coaching (although just through the blog and the book) along with my dating experiences have made me successful. And I have had many options in my own age range. Take heart ladies…you are NOT low value. Never let anyone tell you different. We all just need to realize our own value and have confidence that the men in our lives will realize it too. And take (most of) Evan’s advice. :)

    1. 20.1
      Mel

      Brenda,  I like you and your outlook!  I look forward to hearing andd learning more from your comments.

  21. 21
    Ruby

    EMK #24

    This is not about you, your family, or the quality of your dating advice. Your advice to Michelle was fine. It’s just that most of us are more inspired by the success story of the over-40 woman who needs your advice much more than did relatively young, gorgeous, successful Michelle, obstinate and bratty (and only a fairly young woman can get away with being “bratty”), though she may be. The wealthy older man/beautiful younger woman story is fairly predictable and cliched.

    My boyfriend, who’s 2 years younger than me, dated plenty of women much younger than me, but for a variety of reasons, those relationships didn’t work. Thankfully, he wasn’t hung up on a number, though, and can appreciate me even though I’m not under 40. In fact, some of the things he does appreciate about me have to do with the fact that we are close in age, and have had similar life experiences and values. It doesn’t get talked about much here, but that fact alone becomes increasingly important to many of us as we get older.

    I hope this blog will continue to be a place where all of us can – respectfully – speak our minds.

    1. 21.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Ruby – Are you on my mailing list? I sure hope so. Because Tuesday, I sent out a story of a 75 year old client who worked with me on and off since 2006 and she’s finally found the love of her life. Quite inspiring, no? Yet I barely received any email about it. It was the most incredible story about the power of perseverance, yet it’s my belief that way too many people are jealous of happy people who worked hard and achieved. Why? Because it’s an undeniable reminder of their own failings. That’s not even the point. The point is that if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it. I only went on here to defend Michelle and her fiance because the criticism of them was entirely invalid. So if you find more hope when I tell the story of an older woman, great. Don’t hate on a younger woman who found happiness her own way. With coaching, she got over being bratty and found love. That’s why I shared her story. (Oh, and for what it’s worth – less than 5% of marriages have a 10 year plus age gap, so it’s not really THAT cliched.)

      I truly believe that jealousy is a huge underlying factor in the way people deal with success. It’s the Tall Poppy theory in Australia. Let’s cut down the person who is happy. Tom Cruise jumps on a couch because he’s in love. Let’s rip him apart! I’m just not wired that way. If something makes you happy and you’re not hurting anybody else, god bless you.

      I don’t get people who slander someone on the internet, write negative book reviews, mock Facebook for its stock going down, or anything that resembles schadenfreude. It’s simply not becoming. As long as the happy successful person is not preventing YOU from being happy and successful, then we should all get along just fine.

      Strangers on the internet have made fun of my looks, my voice, my business, my marriage, and my advice, because they don’t know me at all. I don’t give a crap. I’m doing important work here. Plus, I can defend myself. Michelle can’t. So instead of letting some whiny jealous women tear her down as a Trophy Wife, I did exactly what I’d hope you’d do for someone you care about – I defended her and kicked out the bullies. Because I can.

      Finally, the banned commenters didn’t speak their minds respectfully. Which is why they’re gone. This is my home and I don’t need it polluted with ignorance.

  22. 22
    Selena

    This story may be heartwarming to middle age men who believe stunning young women should be eager to be with them…but for women, of any age, who want partners within their own generation.. probably not so much.

    Twenty years is a pretty big difference when one is not long out of their 20′s. Best of luck to Michelle. 5, 10 years from now she may be re-thinking the wisdom of this decision.

  23. 23
    Zaq

    I am being insensitive.
    I am being insensitive to point out that most men are attracted to younger women.
    I am being insensitive to point out that women are attracted to high status men.
    I am being insensitive to point out that short, unemployed men are very low value. I don’t see much anger from women here about that.
    I am appalled that all the above is true. It just is.

    Yes, it isn’t all or nothing. There IS still hope for men and women who may not be in the top league. But if you will not face up to your true worth to the opposite sex, how are you going to be realistic in your expectations ?

  24. 24
    Nathan

    Personally, I find comments like Zaqs more offensive than those of the two women who accurately pointed out a common phenomenon. Evan’s client sounds like she beat the odds, and I am happy for her if that’s the case. But I would say that the story is instructive based on her general approach to the relationship – not the atypical relationship itself. I love a quirky success story – given that I’m quirky and non-mainstream myself – but I totally understand the doubts coming from women commenting here. Because more often than not, relationships between significantly older men and younger women don’t last. And since a child will be involved soon, it probably raises even more concerns.

  25. 25
    Ileana

    @ Evan #14: Thanks for the reply. It is just soo disturbing that us women seem to be hardwired to try and ‘help’ or ‘fix’ men, no matter what… Ugh!

  26. 26
    Helen

    In this story, what concerns me is not their age differential, nor any aspects of their personalities – as long as they love each other, that is what really matters. No, what concerns me is the man’s (completely reasonable) reluctance to become a father to infants again in his 50s.

    Has he really made peace with this possibility? There aren’t enough facts in this story for us to say. I for one understand his reluctance. It’s hard enough being a parent to very young children when you’re in your 30s or 40s, when you’re relatively healthy and energetic; imagine what it would be like in your 50s. Also, some teenagers are very well-behaved, but others are a nightmare, and does anyone really want to deal with those issues when he’s in his 60s? Finally, who wants to still be paying college tuition when he’s in his 70s and should already be retired?

    I feel cautious about this notion suggested in the story that “Love conquers all” – he loved her so much that he just had to have her in his life. I fear this exact elephant-in-the-room is going to surface again after they are married and the time comes that Michelle wants children. This is NOT something to be swept under the rug. They need to have discussions about all aspects of who will assume primary care under such and such conditions, and what to do about finances in keeping with their own interests as well as the kids’.

  27. 27
    Mia

    About the age difference — well, it does seem foolish at first glance for a woman who will probably still be an attractive 40something in a decade just as her husband starts getting on Medicare and will eventually die decades before her. But it’s none of our business if that’s what makes this woman happy.

    What annoys me about some of these comments on dating market value is how simplistic they are — actually high value people aren’t intensely focused on looks and money. Meaning, an attractive woman of really quality character who would make a good wife isnt wowed by a guy just bc he has money and is older — a woman of real worth can support herself and only asks that her man have a stable job and career and meet some minimal threshold, say 50k.

    Likewise, a man who’s marriage material – the kind who doesn’t ditch you when you put on a few pounds and gray hairs — isn’t all hung up on a woman JUST bc she’s pretty. He can get a pretty girl anytime – theyre a dime a dozen and beauty fades – and wants more.

  28. 28
    Mia

    To clarify, just something I’ve observed, it’s often the more average, beta, insecure men who think the prize is a pretty young woman, and it’s often the average or older women who are hung up on a guys financial success. These betas of both genders lack confidence and need to seek out superficial qualities in mates. Attractive, accomplished people have often dated enough people and have enough choices to not get hung up on superficialities.

  29. 29
    Tom

    The point of this blog Zaq is to help women find a relationship with a partner who’s their equal. I don’t think telling them that they’re of ‘low value’ in order to recognise their market value is very helpful in achieving this. If anything it’ll only reduce their confidence thus making them less attractive.

    Besides as Mia says many men have a broader definition of a woman’s ‘value’ than the criteria you define.

  30. 30
    Julia

    My genuine concern is that the happiness of their CHOICE is being ignored.

    I’m sure they discussed the age difference. I’m sure they discussed the potential successes and pitfalls of raising children later in life. They’re both adults. I’m SURE that both are none of our business. And wasn’t asked about for advice. No offense to those that gave it.

    Both are old enough to discuss the gain in living their lives together. For HIM, the previous non-negotiable of no children wasn’t strong enough to outweigh the loss of not having her in his life. It isn’t simply that love conquers all. It’s that, in this case, love and commitment overcame his reasonable concerns. Which was his choice.

    We should take from this article the positives of the methods and the success that she achieved. :)

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