Pity the Pretty: An Ode to Attractive Women Who Can’t Find Boyfriends

Pity the Pretty: An Ode to Attractive Women Who Can't Find Boyfriends

Dear Evan,

I am 25 years old and have never been in a serious relationship.  I am a very attractive girl and I tend to meet guys easily and go on dates mostly every weekend. My problem is that it never leads to anything more than that. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but the date will go really well and things tend to either move really slow, I won’t hear from them after our date for a week or so, or not at all.  My friends all have boyfriends, and I’m really looking to settle down.  Can you help me?  By the way, it never gets farther than kissing with me.  I realize that if they don’t stick around because I won’t have sex with them, then at least I know. It just seems that’s all they are looking for. It seems that attractive girls only get guys that want to sleep with them.

Why can’t I meet a guy who sees me as more?

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Today, I’m going to take a controversial stance. I’m going heap some sympathy on the pretty girl.

Does the pretty girl have the same issues as the fat girl? No. The pretty girl never lacks for attention. Heads turn when she walks into the room. Men leap to attention and whisper to each other before approaching. Yes, the pretty girl has more dates than she needs and probably has a waiting list a mile long. What could possibly be wrong with this scenario?

By being singled out for being attractive, you’re never, ever considered “normal.”

Well, if you’re a pretty girl or you know a pretty girl, you know exactly what’s wrong.

You’re an object to men.

You never know why someone likes you.

You can be intimidating without trying.

You can come across as aloof even if you’re just shy.

You’re instantly hated by a lot of other women.

You’re assumed to be dumb by many men.

You may be insecure, but people have trouble believing it.

You’re given things by men for no reason (Free dinners! Vacations! No speeding tickets!), which creates an odd power dynamic.

You’re catered to so frequently that you may lack some kindness, empathy or social grace. When you’re constantly put on a pedestal, it’s hard to be in sync with “normal” people. This is the same thing that afflicts celebrities, by the way. Except they get to claim “diva” status. You’re just known as a bitch.

That last one is just my observation about beautiful people and doesn’t necessarily apply to you. But the point is, by being singled out for being attractive, you’re never, ever considered “normal”…

As a result, you become a lifelong target—a trophy for men to bag. And make no mistake about it, most men want to bag you. For anyone to deny this is patently foolish. I’m as sensitive a guy as you’re going to find in terms of how I communicate with women, but I can still remember the rush of dating a Perfect 10. It was as if her magical glow rubbed off on me in some way when she walked into a room. And if I can be seduced by physical attraction, and the glory that comes with landing such a specimen, I would have to assume that 95% of the red-blooded, conscience-free men would feel the same way.

Put it this way—when I was single, if I had a chance to sleep with…I don’t know…who is the most distasteful female celebrity? Paris Hilton, maybe? Yeah, I’d do it. Just to be able to say I did. I wouldn’t want to have to make pillow talk, or cook her breakfast, or call her the following day. I just want to have the meaningless experience and cheap thrill that comes along with sex with a celebrity.

Men are to pretty girls what paparazzi are to celebrities. Their constant validation makes them feel important. Their ulterior motives make them feel used and disposable.

To me, that’s the perfect metaphor—very attractive women ARE celebrities. They get lavished with attention and praise. They get perks just for being pretty. Their mere presence makes people excited, nervous, fearful, giddy. And while it might seem like a great ride being a celebrity, tell that to poor Britney. Or Mariah. Or any of the people who crumble from the pressure and attention foisted upon them.

Men are to pretty girls what paparazzi are to celebrities. Their constant validation makes them feel important. Their ulterior motives make them feel used and disposable.

I know I’ve gone on a bit of a tangent here, Ashley, because it’s very rare that we hear that the root of someone’s problems stems from being too attractive, but I believe that is the case.

Some of the most attractive women I know in Los Angeles—tall blondes with thin waists and big boobs—are 40 and single, because nice guys don’t approach them and slimy guys are always on the make.

What’s really difficult for pretty girls is trying to assess when a guy IS sincere. I mean, it’s tough enough for an average woman to tell when a guy is interested in a relationship or sex. Imagine what it’s like when you’re objectified wherever you go. You start to mistrust everybody. You make nice guys pay for the sins of bad guys. And you think that if you insist on not doing any more than kissing that you’re weeding out the “wrong” guys. You may also be weeding out some decent guys. Although it’s unpopular to say, sex is rightfully important to men. A reasonable man with looks and money and life experience might very well say to himself, after five dates with nothing more than a kiss, “Screw this. I’m going to find a woman who matches my passion, who makes me feel attractive and sexy, who is excited about me.”

It’s not that you’re wrong for attempting to protect yourself, Ashley. It’s that your layers of protection may be having an unintended side effect—putting off otherwise well-meaning men who don’t want to feel like they’re in seventh grade all over again.

So how do you decide if a man is interested in you or interested in sex? Well, there’s this previous blog post that discusses this phenomenon. And I’m delighted to report that I actually have a five minute VIDEO that takes on the same topic. Enjoy.

Despite your very accurate concerns that men want to sleep with the pretty girl, pretty girls get married ALL THE TIME. You want to know how? They let down their guard, they take a chance, and they TRUST. That would be my advice to you as well.

Good luck.

Are you also an attractive woman who can never tell if a man is interested in you as a trophy or as a human being? If so, I understand your predicament and can help you in your quest for true love.

Click below to learn more about what it’s like to have a male dating coach who can help you find the quality men in a sea of shallow and disappointing ones.

 

www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/group-coaching/focus.php

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Honey

    I wonder how she is meeting these guys? Maybe if she meets guys through friends, or if she meets them in places where it’s clear they have some kind of connection (like by taking an extra course at the cc or volunteering for the Humane Society) she will make the initial contact through some other type of interaction than sexual, she will have better luck. If she is meeting them through Match or some kind of traditional dating service, maybe she can pick a more specialized one. Evan has all kinds in the sidebar, though I think he could stand to add some of the veggie singles sites 🙂

    Also, are these hot guys (who might, as others have pointed out, be shallow and not call if she doesn’t put out right away) or regular joes (who might feel patronized or suspicious if she hasn’t established some non-sexual connection with them prior to the date that would explain her interest)?

    Without knowing more, it’s hard to tell, though I think Evan is right on. Let us know how it goes!

  2. 2
    cinnamon

    Evan, I rate this your best article so far. I just wonder why you consider it as controversial?…

    1. 2.1
      Share

      I dont like to bring my looks into things because thats subjective, but it really hurts when people look at me like im crazy or say Im lying when I tell them I rarely get approached. Im usually single. People say “Well youre pretty so you cant have that problem. Good men wouldnt let a looker pass by”. Thanks a lot, now I feel even worse. I never fed into that “Maybe its something about you” advice, because Im no more flawed than the next person, yet I know some really terrible people who stay in relationships. Well Ive long accepted that its a game of chance. Would be nice if people could stop judging me when I chose to go out & do things I enjoy because “Im too pretty to be single” blah!

      1. 2.1.1
        JennLee

        Share, I am certainly not judging you, but I think the reason people find it hard to believe is because we see the guys fall over themselves to approach the pretty girls. So when one comes along and says she can’t get a date, we think, “What? No way!”

        So the only answer is to use Evan’s services. Other than that, i can only ask questions. Are you insisting on a very attractive guy? Have you asked very close friends and family to do an inventory on you? Ask them if you look approachable. Are you frowning a lot without even realizing you do it? Some people do that, and it makes you appear unapproachable. Do you live in a small town? If so, is there some mean and nasty rumor floating around about you? I won’t ask about hygiene because you say they aren’t even approaching. Without seeing a picture, I can’t judge your looks, or ask my guy friends what they think.

        The point is, men DO approach women all the time. They go way out of their way and risk a lot of rejection to do so. And men often decide that even if a woman appears out their league, they might as well take a shot. So men don’t usually have the attitude that a woman is too pretty to approach. Of course, if you really are a perfect 10, I would expect that most very average or dumpy looking guys wouldn’t approach you, but the 7-10’s, I would expect them to at least try to flirt with you, or try to make some conversation with you. I have never been at a party where a perfect 10 walked in and the men ignored her. If anything, they acted foolish trying to get her attention. I think every woman has seen this, where men think they are being discreet, but they are sooo obvious.

        Maybe it is because we already know what they are going to do that makes it obvious. Like the guys who already have a wife or girlfriend but they go out of their way to have some conversation with the 10, but they don’t do that with the 4 that walked in with her. Yeah, all of the guys find some time to talk to the 10 but the 4 gets ignored. She has to go out of her way to talk to guys. We can see the difference in how the guys act with the pretty woman and how they act with the average woman.

        My best guess is that there is something about you that is making you appear unapproachable. Something that you are not aware of and for some reason, nobody is telling you. Or, you do get approached by guys, but not the guys you want to approach you. I don’t know, I can only guess based on my life experiences, and what I have seen in that time. So, why not let Evan try to help you out?

      2. 2.1.2
        Lisa

        I support you girl!  The same thing happens to me  all the time.  If you look at my posts on here I am getting  much the same. It must be you etc but it’s not.  It makes it even worse to deal with.

      3. 2.1.3
        Nicki

        Share, I totally get it!  I don’t have a date more often than I do & I also wondered what was I doing.  When a man does approach we often never get past “how beautiful you are”.  Well, I’d like to be seen as more than that, besides if that’s the case why am I alone so often.  One night a man walked over to my table & asked if he could sit down.  He told me that his entire table was looking at & talking about me, but that they were afraid to approach me.  He said I was intimidating.  I couldn’t believe it!  I smile, laugh, talk to people: what was he talking about?  I really still don’t get it, but hang in there.  One day someone will come over & he’ll turn your world around.  It happened to me.  He was the most wonderful man, better than the movies.  Unfortunately he was not well & I am now a widow, back to dating & the whole mess in my mid 40’s.  Here we go again, but at least I know it can happen.  Best of luck to you.

        1. hunter

          ..I recently dated a lovely woman, and now I know why men don’t meet more gorgeous women…..men are out searching….in your case I think seeing dating coach will help…

           

      4. 2.1.4
        Jacki

        I absolutely feel you! I’ve never ever been hit on in public or at a party and people are always surprised to hear that I need to use a dating site to find guys! I absolutely hate dating.

        1. hunter

          ..I dating coach can help out with your situation…

      5. 2.1.5
        Echoes

        I have this problem also. #1 reason is that I am both shy and introverted, so I get written off as aloof/snobby. It is easier said than done to overcome shyness, and I have made vast improvements since my teen years on through my 20s, so it gets frustrating to still have people zero in on this as my problem. I start feeling like I have to be perfect and all the growth means nothing still. Also, introversion is a part of my nature and not a flaw. It is pretty much established fact now that introverts have “different brains” and bring different, but equally valuable traits to the table. The problem is that these traits are not immediately discernible, and people will project a lot of negative traits onto you in the meantime. In short, I don’t make good first impressions.

        But I have considered a second reason, because not even slimy men try with me. I am very, very rarely hit on. I certainly am not getting free gifts or out of speeding tickets. People do ASSUME life must be great for me. But these people are usually other women. So the #2 reason is I am a woman’s idea of pretty. Similar to how women love Audrey Hepburn but you don’t hear men talking about how hot she is. I am not that sexy. I am 5’7, slender, with a small waist and pretty awesome bubble butt, and people consider my face pretty. I dress well, but admittedly a little fashion forward at times (the kind of style other women understand and appreciate). I have this refined, reserved brunette thing going on, which doesn’t lead to men beating your door down…

        1. hunter

          Echoes,

          so, why keep the refined reserved brunette thing going on, if it doesn’t lead men to beating your door down?….

        2. Echoes

          @hunter because it is ME. My face and body type are what they are. My style is reflective of my personality. Like most people, I want to be loved for who I truly am, not an image projected to win admiration.

        3. hunter

          Echoes,

          somehow I sense you don’t want a man in your life…I know people that say that, and remain single…

        4. Echoes

          @hunter I know how I feel and what I want/need. If people say this and remain single it doesn’t mean it is because they want to be single. It may mean they don’t want an unfulfilling relationship based on illusion with an incompatible person.

          If you are not a typical person, then finding someone compatible with whom there is mutual attraction can be harder.

        5. hunter

          echoes,

          ….it may not matter to you what a dating coach says….somehow, I think he will disagree with you…..in referece to the reserved brunette thing going on….

           

        6. Vin

          “Bubble Butt”?…Can I get your number???…5’7…slender…slim waist and pretty awesome bubble butt on a brunette and you say you’re not that sexy????….Let me get a pic to determine that…but I already determined that you are “that sexy”😘

        7. Joe

          It may be a fallacy in your case, but now with A LOT of women out there.

          It’s too tiresome to see who is who…

          which is one of the reasons why more and more men are approaching less and less.

           

           

      6. 2.1.6
        Joe

        I think the reason that most very attractive woman are still alone is because they are picky and shallow.

         

        1. hunter

          joe,

          attractive women find partners when they are good and ready….

        2. Joe

          …and even then, many of them won’t even bother to show a man an interest. They expect men to do all the work.

          I’ll pass.

        3. Persephone

          Oh no, here we go again. That tired old fallacy.

        4. Kathy

          Wow, butthurt much?  Your attitude is typical of why it’s hard for me to date.  You assume because I’m pretty that I’m picky and shallow. Many times, the guys who approach me want to make me pay for every pretty girl that’s ever turned them down.

           

        5. Perry Rose

          Kathy, I did not say all women are like that.

           

      7. 2.1.7
        Lizzy Lee

        Please don’t buy the below hype that something ia wrong with you! I have dealt with this and continue to do so. It’s depressing at times, sometimes you just want to be normal. Women are cruel and I experience their hate daily ~ TRUTH. I’m recently divorced so yay….dating again. I guy I see off and on is quite shy around me still. I feel like he can’t handle me. So, I’ve decided there IS a man out there for me and I know you will find one too! Just be yourself. What the author says is true for me, all of it. I refuse to let the attitudes of others bring me down. And do not ever downplay anything about yourself to make others feel better. It has taken me awhile (I’m 49) but I am completely happy with me! You will get there! Don’t be discouraged! All the best!

    2. 2.2
      Didi

      It’s controversial because no one wants to be that person who comes acrossed as conceited when the truth is their question is real

      I always think to myself, I would rather have been disfigured and really loved for who I am than beautiful but only wanted for what I am. I modeled lingerie so objectively I know I am attractive. What I never seem to know is if I am wanted for the right reasons. I did very well in school so I know I have a brain. Acquaintances always say to me “you are too nice” so I know I am not a bitch. But no man can ever seem to say much about my character. It’s always been about my physical attributes. I enjoy feeling beautiful to the object of my affection. Who doesn’t??!! I just want to be loved, really truly loved.

      1. 2.2.1
        hunter

        didi, you want to be loved?…in what way?…

    3. 2.3
      Persephone

      Cinnamon, because no one ever feels sympathy for a 10. No one beleives she is a real live human, with feelings like everyone else. It is much more acceptable to be average.

  3. 3
    Honey

    @ Steve–it was just a for instance, though the point is well taken.

  4. 4
    Selena

    My impression was that she wasn’t stringing guys along without sex. It was that she wasn’t having sex on the first date and THEY were the one’s who were either taking things really slow, or never calling again.

    Maybe the problem is the guys she is agreeing to go out with? Perhaps she tends to pick the most shallow men who are accustomed to *bagging* one beautiful girl after the next every weekend.

    Ashley, ask your girlfriends their honest opinion regarding what they think the problem is when it comes to your dating. It may be you are doing something you are completely unaware of, but they can clearly see.

  5. 5
    Marc

    Just because Ashley feels the dates she’s gone on went well, it doesn’t mean the guys do. The nice guys out there get very easily intimidated by the hot chicks out there, and if they sense the slightest bit of the aloofness Evan referred to in his response, they may think she’s not interested, and not call again.

  6. 6
    Steve

    Ashley;

    You wrote that you want to know that a man is interested in who you are in addition to what you are. Venues like bars, singles events or even random encounters on the street are going to favor meeting men who are interested in what you are. At least starting off.

    If you want to meet men who are interested in who you are, find something YOU like to do that isn’t focused on single people, something that will bring you into contact with single men, and something that generates conversations.

    If a man keeps engaging you in conversations past initial meetings and he is interested in the content of what you are saying then he is interested in who you are. You probably can tell when someone is interested in what you are saying, but disagreeing with you and asking you pointed questions ( NICELY ) are good indicators that he cares about what you are saying beyond the fact an attractive woman is talking to him.

    Don’t go looking in nerd heavy venues or with political volunteer groups so much. Those guys will be just as bad about focusing on what you are, but since they are underexposed to beautiful women they will not be as graceful about it as the smooth bar room operators. I say that being a person who goes to such venues.

  7. 7
    Steve

    Honey;

    Volunteering for the HSUS will be a female heavy venue. Slim pickings.

  8. 8
    Lance

    First off, if the guys are making themselves scarce after one date DESPITE her beauty, then she’s doing something wrong that’s de-attracting them. Either she’s got an serious emotional issue that’s plainly apparent, or maybe she’s talking about marriage right off the bat (notice the tip-off in her letter). Remember one of the cardinal sins of first dating? Don’t talk about marriage right away!!

    If Ashley is a 10, and for the sake of argument we can assume she is, I would advise her to seek out men who are used to being with women of this caliber. A player would be an example, but also a slightly older guy with high social value could do the trick (say, a well-to-do exec with good social skills). If the guys are non-plussed by her beauty, then they’ll seek out whatever else makes her special personality-wise to continue the interaction. I agree with Honey here, she’s probably making herself available to the wrong guys.

    1. 8.1
      jenn

      this is very false–many men out there are not looking for commitments or are insecure and intimidated by pretty women…its a problem. it has nothing to do with ‘ashley’ or any other woman..

      1. 8.1.1
        Roberto

        Oh, here we go again.  It’s always the fallback position.  Blame the man for a woman’s problems.

  9. 9
    Nikita

    I can identify with Ashley in this post. I’m not drop dead gorgeous but have been called pretty/beautiful/sexy by members of both genders. I’m 26 now but have yet to find someone that I can trust. I’ve dated plentiful (not people I meet in bars) but at the end of the day, most of them seem interested in having a trophy on their arm.

    For example, to date, two married men have tried to start affairs with me (unsuccessfully I might add), I get asked out in supermarkets, get “hey sexy” comments in the gym even while minding my own business…

    Like Evans said, I do indeed rely on this to boost my self-esteem. I have surprisingly low self-esteem stemming from bad acne as a teenager. Despite graduating top of my class, being called beautiful and having a great figure, the low self-esteem persists and it doesn’t help when all the men seem to be after one thing.

    So when you see that beautiful woman walking down the street, don’t just envy her, she may be more insecure than you expect and that aloof exterior only a front to ward off unwanted advances. Spare a thought, give her a smile and start a sincere conversation with her. You never know that she might say yes.

    1. 9.1
      Sarah

      Amen!

      Same here! I get the same thing everyday! Stares, Winks, compliments, but not much more. Sometimes I find that men want me just for bragging rights. Other times, as a side chick. Why do cute girls get the cold shoulder? We just want to be loved like everyone else. We can’t help that we have to be mean to ward off the crazies, jerks, narcissists, and sociopaths.

      1. 9.1.1
        hunter

        …I wonder if you respond to the stares, winks, compliments….

    2. 9.2
      Jasmine

      I couldn’t agree more. This happens to me all the time, and I get judged every where I go and in the end I am a really nice person. I  been told I am attractive but I feel so insecure all the time. I believe a lot of  pretty girls are insecure because of attention they get. Its not good attention its attention based on solely on looks and not who they are as a person. I think men only want to fuck me because of my looks and so they can say “bagged that”. I never get approached and if I do its by some sleezy guy. I see all my friends with boyfriends and I always like what is so wrong with me that no one wants to be with me. I am only good enough for sex. I just feel like pretty girls are just treated like trophies men have to conquer.

      I have given up on finding anyone. Men just see me and they just want to fuck me. It is really depressing, to be objectified every where you go.  It happens to me in front of my parents, my girlfriends, bars, in front of male friends. Its embarrassing getting hollered at, I have to walk by not awkward it because if I do they will come follow me or ask for my number.

      1. 9.2.1
        hunter

        ..try hiring a dating coach..

         

  10. 10
    A-L

    Ashley,

    I would second the idea that you talk to your friends and see if they can tell you if they know you’re doing something wrong, or perhaps ask a guy you dated who seemed pretty forthright and might tell you the truth. Because as distasteful as this might sound, if you hold up your end of the conversation and are interesting to talk to, I’ve found it’s unusual not to get a second date (though I’m no supermodel either, so perhaps that changes things). To illustrate my point, I might e-mail with a hot guy, and even go out with him if his correspondence isn’t scintillating, but if he can’t hold up his end of the conversation, things go no further even if he wants to. It sounds as though some of the guys who are really slow about contacting you might be deliberating, thinking that it wasn’t the most thrilling date of their lives, but when they think about how beautiful you are, they decide to give you another shot in the hopes that things improve.

    One other question for you though. How old are the guys you’re dating? A lot of guys in their early to mid 20s aren’t interested in settling down with a long-term relationship and if they get that vibe from you, they may just cut things short since they don’t want to hurt you or get involved in a messy situation. Perhaps if you dated more guys in their late 20s or in their 30s, things might improve.

  11. 11
    vino

    Not much fact to go on here, but I’ll take a stab at this. FYI, Evan’s spot on w/his advice.

    “…the date will go really well …” Maybe the dates really didn’t go that well for the guys. Maybe Ashley’s a good-looking bore. Maybe the guys are tools. Who knows? The result is that they guys clearly don’t want to go further in the dating process with Ashley. That is the common denominator – the guys don’t come back. Why? Let’s look at what else she said.

    “… and things tend to either move really slow, I won’t hear from them after our date for a week or so, or not at all. My friends all have boyfriends, and I’m really looking to settle down. By the way, it never gets farther than kissing with me. I realize that if they don’t stick around because I won’t have sex with them, then at least I know.”

    As I read her words, it is Ashley that wants to slow everything. She will do no more than kiss. She doesn’t specifically say, but I get the impression that that no matter the stage of dating, that’s all she will do, at least until he commits to being with her, and perhaps formally via engagement, etc.

    She wants to ‘settle down.’ I wonder if she’s communicated that to her dates. That’s kind of a turn off for a first date convo, especially when you know your only payoff is a kiss. I say the guys likely know, because that’s usually communicated directly or indirectly. And kissing’s possibly the only payoff even if you do commit. Not saying it’s all about sex, but as Evan said, that’s an important component if there’s no likely prospect at some point, why bother? I think most guys would rather bang a 6-7 than just kiss a 10.

    More importantly, what would put me off is the attitude that she sets the rules. She will do no more than kiss. You must commit to her before anything beyond a kiss, presumably. Maybe nothing even if one did commit. Her letter is silent on this. Why be with someone if they get to control the important aspects of a relationship? 1) It isn’t fun if you’re the controlled, and 2) it isn’t a relationship if that’s the case.

    No matter how good the external packaging, some things clearly aren’t worth it to the guys she dates. That’s the bottom line, for it’s the common result.

    1. 11.1
      J

      I’m in the minority here, since I’m a 32 year old woman who is a virgin who’s waiting for marriage. I’d like to point out that perhaps Ashley’s value system, while she may not be waiting for marriage, is perfectly okay. I do not agree with Evan’s insinuation that it at all has to do with her unwillingness to go farther than kiss on the first few dates. As the woman, that is her prerogative and most men understand, unless they are not interested in anything other than sex. As far as making a man feel sexy and wanted, why do the clothes have to come off for him to feel that way? Seems to me that that’s his problem, not hers. If she’s reciprocating his flirting, physical affection and love, that should be enough to reassure him of her interest. And there are many more things that make for a great relationship besides sex. Plenty of couples who wait on sex report having happier, more deeply committed relationships once they marry. It’s likely due to the fact that they took their time getting to know each other as people, not as objects of desire. 
       
       

      1. 11.1.1
        Guessing

        Exactly, J!  I am near your age and I am waiting for marriage.  I, too, graduated at the top of my class, have been called ‘beautiful’, and have had men running after me.  It’s actually sad, because most of the men, I find out that they’ve heard from other men that I’m a virgin.  Then, they decide that they want to see if they could be the one to change it.  After one conversation with me to confirm my religious beliefs, they usually run off.  

        I still hold to the fact that the right guy will either respect my wishes or at the least, wait until engagement before putting the pressure on me for sex.  Nonetheless, I still get creepy guys that claim to be Christian, always spouting Scriptures, and telling me that I am right to wait, and later, I find out that they are very promiscuous themselves and want to be the first to have sex with me.  When they figure that I am still holding to my beliefs, they run off and continue with their promiscuous lives Mon – Sat and still recite Scripture on Sunday.

        It’s a shame that women are being told that having sex is the way to keep a man.  It might very well be the way to lose him.  And think about it, if you have sex and the man leaves because that is all that he wanted, what will you say to the right man when he finally comes about your promiscuous behavior? 

        1. Miranda

          To “Guessing” I cannot tell you how I have seen that trash you’re talking about. I have seen “Christian” men that waste so much of their time sniffing around for the next quick anonymous lay, and rush to friggin bible study sunday morning and talk about how virtuous they are. makes me sick. glad to be pagan. 

        2. Joek

          Not to disparage your beliefs/value system – they’re yours, you live your life by them. It’s commendable.
           
          BUT…as Evan likes to say – data tells you what’s available. From stats in my memory (courtesy of Evan) most men/people won’t wait for marriage to have sex. That means your pool of men who are willing to wait is very small. So realistically you can expect that most men you date will be looking for premarital sex, so you’ll be turning down most of your dates at some point.
           
          Nothing wrong with that, just simple pragmatism/numbers to be aware of. 
           
          Evan is not saying “that having sex is the way to keep a man.” What Evan has repeatedly said is to be aware of what you’re up against – know the field for what it is. If you still wish to hold out for the unicorn, recognize that one doesn’t come along every day, and adjust your search for it accordingly (i.e. look in more places, find out where the unicorn tends to be, etc).
           
          And actually, what Evan has said about “keeping a man” is: “make him feel good and he isn’t going anywhere”. The corollary of which is: “make him feel unappreciated and see how long he stays”. Basic human interaction kinda stuff.
          Best wishes on finding your man.

        3. starthrower68

          Even Christians can become atheists when it comes to sex.  You can mess with anything else in a person’s life but sex.  All you have to do is say you are waiting and that you have good reasons for saying so – even IF you don’t tell anyone else they should – and it gets really interesting real quick.

      2. 11.1.2
        Sarah

        Agreed! Men who really want YOU will wait!

    2. 11.2
      LX

      Wow, vino, your assumptions are plain wrong and even come across as judgemental and plain evil!

      You have a funny way of understanding sex. It’s not a reward the woman is supposed to give to a man who takes her out on a date! Dating is for getting to know the other person and figure out if you’re compatible on plenty of other levels!

      A woman, just like a man, has the right to decide when to be sexual and when not to! It’s her body, her life, her decision! She doesn’t owe anyone anything! In fact, she’s doing everyone a service, because she wants to know the person and not how they are in bed first! You’re one of those immature guys who jump to sex right away and then judge and hate on the woman who doesn’t give them that right on the first date.

      No, she is not ‘controlling’ if she doesn’t have sex early on. She wants to see what the guy is about. If he is really interested and he can wait, then he will wait. If he’s all about sex and can’t wait, he’ll go to the next one! Fair enough! But she’s in no way willing to control the relationship!! You’re exaggerating waaaayyy too badly… What in the world makes you expect women to have sex whenever you please?! Ridiculous, self-entitled, extremely selfish and immature!

  12. 12
    Sarah

    Wow, this is my life story. Thanks Evan.

  13. 13
    cinnamon

    “By the way, it never gets farther than kissing with me. I realize that if they don’t stick around because I won’t have sex with them, then at least I know”.
    I agree that the way Ashley has formulated herself sounds quite ultimative and rigid. As Evan wrote, that rigidity probably results from a wish to protect herself. That’s understood, no one wants to be harmed.
    I wonder if any of you guys have an advice for Ashley on if (and if yes then how) she could communicate her concerns/fears to her date. Could that be one way to reduce her insecurity and his confusion?

  14. 14
    Kitty

    Ev,

    Great response to Ashley and LOVE the video. You’re the best!

  15. 15
    A-L

    From the letter: The date will go really well and things tend to either move really slow, I won’t hear from them after our date for a week or so, or not at all.

    On the whole kissing/no sex issue of Ashley’s, I agree with Selena that I don’t think she’s not willing to have sex. I think she doesn’t want to have sex on the first couple of dates, hardly a rigid, controlling position.

    Also, what do you mean they move really slow? If they’re asking you out again, and are expressing interest, then it’s a good thing. Perhaps there’s the wish of a sudden, head-over-heels Hollywood romance and when it’s not happening, it’s considered slow? I understand holding no interest in the guys who don’t ask you out again, or take a week to do so, but this third category of guys may merit a closer look.

  16. 16
    Selena

    Actually, not wanting to have sex on the first couple dates is a rather common position. Which makes me wonder if Ashley is either picking “I’m only here for sex” kind of guys, or if there is something in her demeanor on a date that is making them leery of dating her further. We need more info than just her statement she is a very pretty girl.

    1. 16.1
      jenn

      most males when encountering a hot woman will actually pursue her more sexually aggressively…its not her, its the jerk males…

      1. 16.1.1
        hunter

        ..women have the power to veto…I have yet to meet a woman that cannot say “no”…

  17. 17
    Alan

    I’m always fascinated how the advice-seeker’s letter is analyzed word-for-word to try and glean further details of their situation and experiences. I’m not discouraging this per se, just observing.

    On the other side of the fence, I’ll toss out a 100% agreement with Evan’s perspective as a presumably average nice guy faced with a very attractive woman. I’m more wary, more hesitant to approach, more likely to make (poor) assumptions, less likely to even try. I have enough problems with women who are not as attractive, I really need to compound things with the additional concerns and guard? I’m actually more likely to go after a 6-9 than a 10 because of that. It’s self-selecting and self-limiting, but it’s there.

    So what’s the answer? The suggestions above are a great start and I’ll add one more. Try to identify the qualities you’re looking for in a partner and actively look for them. If you’re pursuing online dating, look for the non-generic profiles that catch your eye. Look for common activities or activities that evoke the qualities you’re after. Hardly a non-obvious suggestion, but from the description of things it may be the case that you’re not going out with the guys you want to, and that is something over which you have some control.

  18. 18
    Steve

    Ashley;

    I apologize about not posting on topic for your question, but I would like to thank you for this quote from your email:


    I am a very attractive girl and I tend to meet guys easily and go on dates mostly every weekend. My problem is that it never leads to anything more than that. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but the date will go really well and things tend to either move really slow, I won’t hear from them after our date for a week or so, or not at all.

    Great first dates and an inexplicable lack of interest in a second date is a recurring theme here. Evan has given out the sound of advice that unless you have evidence do not assume you did anything wrong or that is about you at all. In the absence of more information it could just as easily be a simple lack of a spark or about something going with the other person/their life.

    If a knockout can experience this same type of problem then the rest of us can accept Evan’s advice a little bit more easily.

  19. 19
    Markus

    What are you like as a person Ashley? I don’t care how good looking you are. If I think you’re not a good person I won’t be able to stand being around you. I once dated this girl I thought was smoking and we had great chemistry. Dumbass me cut everyone else loose. Then I’m over her house for one of the first times and I ask where her recyclables are. “I don’t recycle. Just throw it in the trash.” Done. I’m not saying you’re like this but perhaps you’re not looking at the big picture.

    1. 19.1
      Jodie

      I literally thought this was a joke at first. You can’t be serious. No seriously please tell me you side not break up with someone because they didn’t recycle. Speechless. 

    2. 19.2
      Me too

      Markus,
      you left a girl because she doesn’t recycle? Wow! You didn’t think you could teach her that? Wow again.
      its beginning to make more sense why people are still single. Bloody unrealistic expectations. And it’s not like you are perfect. Come down to earth and join the rest of us.

  20. 20
    Andrea

    I agree completely with what A-L said in comment #10. Talk to a guy you’ve dated, or a male friend offers perspective. It’s one of the reasons I like to keep male friends around.

    I’m reminded of the Ginger-Maryanne idea (not the threesome or girl-on-girl fantasies, so stop thinking it :P) and the idea of the “movie star” archetype being the one to screw and the “girl next door” archetype being the girlfriend/wife material.

    I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten fed up because guys seemed to only want to sleep with me. I’m not gorgeous, maybe not even “pretty”, but there are things about me that bring that out in men. I feel so weird saying this (do we all feel uncomfortably vain when discussing such things?), but as flattering as it is- and I’m NOT complaining- it’s also sometimes frustrating when guys comment on my “great ass” or “hot body”. Sometimes I want to scream that there’s more to me than my bum, and I’ve heard women say similar about body parts (at least a guy isn’t staring at my ass when he’s talking to me). Not that we’re not thankful, but there’s a hindrance, one that comes with feelings of guilt for thinking that way (that is, for those of us without big egos and with humility).

    Getting back to topic… Guys are visual, very sexual and easily distracted to begin with. I imagine that sometimes it’s difficult for them to get past the visual and into the brain. They get better with age.

    Note to Evan:
    Are your “observations” about “the pretty girl” your way of expressing the perception that men have rather than what you know to be true? If it is, I almost missed it. If not, I’m giving you that out anyway.

    Based on conversations that I’ve had with both genders, I believe that the idea that “the pretty girl has more dates than she needs and probably has a waiting list a mile long. ” is a myth. Males assume that the pretty girl is unavailable, attached, not interested, out of their league. I used to have a male friend who claimed to go for the hottest girls, assuming that other men would be too intimidated to. It worked for him. Of course “pretty” is also different from “drop dead gorgeous” or “very attractive”, which is how Ashley describes herself.

    1. 20.1
      Mary

      Very true with your last statement. I don’t get asked out a lot and yet have been told extremely flattering things about my appearance, I am also very intelligent, and have been a working professional since I was 20. Men want to be ‘around’ me and I have men literally stop and stare. But to actually ask me out… I haven’t been on a date in 8 months. It is unfortunately narcissists who approach me because of their high level of self-confidence. I ended up very abused by my last ex who was a covert narcissist and took 2 years to recover. It has taken a very long time to rebuild my self-esteem and confidence since then. I have been told I am just so put together I am intimidating. Well I can’t undo what nature and hard work have given me, nor do I desire to. So where does that leave women like me?

      I am seriously considering asking out the nice guys who don’t have tickets on themselves that seem interested because experience tells me they won’t ask me out because they think they don’t have a chance. But the last time I did that, the guy took a back seat on EVERYTHING and it became exhausting having to take the lead 100% of the time. I would like a guy who works out with me who is in charge of sorting what, then we can both relax at different times and let each other take the lead once we have figured out each other’s strengths and weaknesses. A guy that is trying to meet the level he thinks I am at, and realizing his own potential to make me happy just by being himself. So many guys write themselves off that I totally would go out with, yet I seem to have a reputation of being “unattainable” and “intimidating”. SMH, seriously, I haven’t turned a guy down in years!

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