Become the Woman that No Man Can Ever Leave

I’m still buzzing from the email that I got from my former client, Michelle. And let me say, that Michelle is one of my favorite clients ever.

Always good-humored, always confident, always present – and, most importantly, always coachable, Michelle saw instant results in working with me.

She attracted a man who was different than her previous boyfriends – and that’s exactly what she needed. After all, Michelle will be the first to tell you that she’s a bit of a handful. And after dominating (and losing respect) for her last guy, she craved the attention of a man who was a little more alpha.

Men don’t stay with women who treat them as incomplete projects – they bond with women who make them feel good.

She got him – and she got all the problems that come with being with such a man.

She couldn’t tell him what to do.

She couldn’t make him say that he loved her fast enough.

She couldn’t ensure that he wanted to stick around for the future.

Although Mark treated her great, he was still very much a MAN. Early 50’s, successful, busy, a divorced father of a teenaged son, he felt very fortunate to have landed a 33-year-old stunner like Michelle.

All of the stories that Michelle told me reiterated how much he valued her, and at the time that she gave me this testimonial that’s on my Commitment Course page, she was in a great comfort zone with Mark.

He treated her well, he told her he loved her, he put up with her self-proclaimed “brattiness,” and he alluded to a future together.
But all relationships have their challenges, and Mark and Michelle were no different.

The elephant in the room for this couple was that Michelle very much wants to have kids, while Mark never really anticipated that he’d be a father again in his 50’s.

While I was coaching Michelle through the first four months of their relationship (and intermittently in between), I cautioned her to NOT put any pressure on him about getting married and having kids. While theoretically, she could be “wasting” her time with him, my advice was to let him fall in love with her.

If he did, she would have a lot more leverage when the baby talk came up, as opposed to trying to extract an answer out of him in the early stages of the relationship.

This worked like a charm. Because really, it was no secret that Michelle wanted to be a Mom, and since Mark was a man of integrity, he wanted to do right by his girlfriend. He agreed, last July, to be the future father of her children.

Then he changed his mind a few months later.

No matter how much he loved Michelle, Mark just couldn’t pull the trigger on a second round of fatherhood, and they tearfully parted ways.

True love will find you sooner rather than later – as long as you prioritize your love life.

I was sad for Michelle, but very proud at how she handled herself. Despite her high-maintenance tendencies, she became better at understanding Mark’s needs and point of view, and created the healthiest relationship that she’d ever had before.

Every time she wanted to criticize him for how he handled his relationship with his son, or his ex-wife, or his boss, she remembered that men don’t stay with women who treat them as incomplete projects – they bond with women who make them feel good.

Most importantly, from our work together, Michelle knew that her future husband wants to be a dad, and thus, she had no regrets about walking away when she did.

That was the last I’d heard from Michelle. Until today.

Turns out that her breakup only lasted for one week.

Mark loved Michelle.

Her playfulness, her sexiness, and yes, even her attitude and mood swings. After spending a year and a half together, Mark realized that he couldn’t imagine life without her. Which is as it should be.

And while I give Michelle credit for becoming the woman that no man can ever leave, Michelle actually gives ME credit. Here’s a snippet of her note to me:

I asked him why he had a change of heart and finally came to this conclusion.  He said because he’s in love with me. 

I can’t tell you what this has done for me in this relationship.  I feel so relieved and at ease with it all. 

Evan, you taught me to be playful, lighthearted, patient, kind and compassionate. 

You’re an AMAZING (THE BEST) dating coach!

Thank you.  


Love,

Michelle

I love Michelle and I love this story.

A confident, successful, attractive woman in her mid-30s finds a masculine, confident man, wins him over with her feminine energy, and makes herself so indispensable to his life that he can’t imagine being without her.

I’m attending their wedding this summer in San Francisco and I couldn’t be more excited for the both of them.

Know that this is within your grasp and that true love will find you sooner rather than later – as long as you prioritize your love life like Michelle did.

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/

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Comments:

  1. 91
    Lisa

    I’ve known lots of May-December romances. Some elements common to all of them: The younger woman usually feels very proud of her charms and the older guy is financially stable, maybe wealthy. The woman usually isn’t and has no interest in pursuing a career, or she isn’t very good at anything in particular, but she wants a certain lifestyle, which usually includes a baby. They both feel like they’ve made a catch. That catch is based on traditional gender roles, no question.

    In all of these cases if there was a problem the woman left the man. In all cases as time went on the age difference became a burden for the younger woman. In some cases she had to leave her same-age friends because her husband didn’t fit in. In many cases the women are accused of being in it only for the money, even if he’s still attractive.

    I only know of one case where the situation was reversed–older woman, younger man (by 12 years). And yes, she was the rich worldly one and he was the young good-looking one who couldn’t make it on his own. He talked about his attractions to other women all the time, even though he wasn’t the unfaithful type.

    I don’t know of any professional women who married much older men. The May-December thing seems specific to career men with stay-at-home wives.

    Not judgments, just observations.

  2. 92
    Zaq

    @Lisa

    May-December romances are not at all uncommon, I know quite a few.
    The only common denominator that I can see is that the man is always confident and high status, but not necessarily wealthy.

    I can see little in common between the women.
    The women are usually more attractive than average. Some had children, some didn’t. Some were educated professional, only one stayed at home.
    Most of them had long marriages (some haven’t been going that long).

    Statistically May-December unions are longer lasting. Women are the ones who start divorce proceedings most of the time in any case, not men.
    As Psychology magazine article on unPC truths put it. Men marrying much younger women do NOT have mid-life crises.

  3. 93
    Gina

    Long time reader first time commenter. Just want to offer a little bit of perspective to all the people who say the 50year old guy is old compared to the woman.

    I bet a lot of the younger women who say they wouldn’t date anyone that much older would date George Clooney, a 50 ish year old man who routinely dates women in their early 30s.

  4. 94
    Margaret

    @Gina #103: We are talking George Clooney here! LOL, False equivalency. Sigh. Still, I *don’t* want George Clooney, even if he knocked on my door. I merely desire a man near my own age (51), in decent shape, who has his act together. That’s all. But it seems to be too tall an order.

    Sigh again. If only Mr. and Mrs. Katz, and by extension, Evan, had been born 20 years earlier. Then I could have availed myself of Evan’s expertise , and likely have made different choices in the past, believed more in myself, and be married with 1.8 kids now. And, I am not being facetious. As the Pink Floyd song goes, I missed the starting gun.

  5. 95
    Ana

    My sister married a man who was in his 50s when she was in her 30s. It was great until she was in her 50s and he was in his 70s. Suddenly, the age disparity made a big difference and eventually caused the marriage to break up. You see, she still had tons of energy, and contrary to what biologists and sexologist might say, a lot of 50 something women are really hitting their peak sexually in their 50s. Whereas, he no longer had the energy (sexually or otherwise) to keep up with her. She eventually came to feel like he was holding her back on life though she wasn’t the one who initiated the divorce. He did because he felt that they no longer had anything in common besides material things. Since their divorce my sister has gone through a transformation. She’s physically change for the better and is more active than ever, while her husband has slowed down so much he seems ready for a wheelchair. I hope your client doesn’t eventually become disillusioned like my sister and her husband did.

  6. 96
    Ana

    Just to see how differently people respond to May-December when the woman is older, read the negative comments thrown at the older woman on this thread:

    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/dating-tips-advice/i-dont-want-to-be-a-cougar-i-want-a-relationship-with-a-younger-man/

    Where are the stories about older women marrying younger men, since we know it happens. Maybe that’s why the women on this thread are so put off by the “isn’t this romantic” storyline here. The double standard is so obvious.

    The truth is probably more that some men will marry older, and some women will marry older. Most won’t. Probably just about anyone will marry younger.

  7. 97
    Man

    Why would an man who can get a 25yo marry a 35+ yo?
    In most occasions he wants sex and can’t get it elsewhere.
    As for the storyline, well if she wasn;t so bitchy to men in her 20s she may have married someone in his 30s. 

  8. 98
    Anon

    Evan, don’t you think he came back after one week because, she was the best of his options and he realized it- with a 15 yr. age gap, her being a stunner, I think this is the case.  Catherine Zeta Jones getting Michael Douglas is a lot easier than her shooting for a dude her own age- Brad Pitt? Do you think it worked out not because of your magic program, but because she set her goal low enough, so that is was probable, achievable?

  9. 99
    Mallarde

    I mean this constructively, but most women today seem to have no idea how their attractiveness wanes with age.  In previous generations, everyone knew this.  Now it seems that women have been trained in school or somewhere to misapprehend what age does to their attractiveness.
    The difference between a woman age 27 versus 33 for a man is enormous.  For many men, women over a certain age hold almost no physical attraction.  Marriages used to stay together (and some still do) because of the bond that formed when women were in the prime of their beauty.
    Now women expect to have fun until their beauty wanes and then expect men to continue chasing them and marry them.  Others expect to ditch their loving spouse and go chase men they decide are more exciting.

  10. 100
    marymary

    Mallard
    Thanks but we get reminded all the time.

  11. 101
    Henriette

    @Marymary 110
     
    Hear, hear.

  12. 102
    Goldie

    Mallarde 109, One thing I will agree with you on, is that “I want to see what else is out there” is never a good reason for a divorce. I was told that, when considering leaving, you have to ask yourself, Would I rather spend the rest of my life alone than spend it with my spouse? if the answer is yes, then you leave. Otherwise, you stay. You do not leave because you count on the love of your life to come along and sweep you off your feet — that may or may not happen. This principle applies whether you’re 27, 33, or 53.

  13. 103
    Julia

    Yes, thank you Mallarde, women have no idea we are aging, there isn’t like a bajillion products marketed to us every day of our lives that help fight the process. Strangely, men age too. Actually the one thing we can all agree on is that everyone gets older.

  14. 104
    Sandi

    shes 33 and he is in his early 50s? it seems like you promote women dating men who could be their fathers while suggesting that women settle for old men.  i doubt that having children will be the last of the difficulties in this 20 year age difference couple. #skewedinfavorofoldmen

  15. 105
    judy

    Well I think that story is sweet.  It reminded me of two colleagues who were 30 years younger than me (both female) who just could not find a man, so they said.  And it drove them both mad.
    Until…………the blonde woman who hated the dark haired guy on sight, fell in love with him and married him and yes, he was 59.
    The other married a man who was, I believe, early 50s.
    But both women were hard work!!!!! (By their own admittance!!!!)

  16. 106
    Dina Strange

    So she basically “forced” a guy into agreeing to be a father. Not sure it’s a right tactic…

  17. 107
    Sabrinna

    I saw some stats that showed only 7% of marriages have an age gap of 8 years or more and only a third of them last longer than 2 years.
     
    I sincerely hope your client beats the odds and has a truly happy marriage.
    Personally, I couldn’t be with someone thst much older (or younger). 

  18. 108
    ZeeZee

    Hi Evan, I have been reading your blog for some time now and love to read the information that you provide.

    I am so pleased that I found this post. I recently (4 months in) have been with a man 16.5 years my senior. We met on the street and just instantly had a chemistry. Its been a bit of a whirlwind romance ans I am completely in love with this man. Both of us have been faced with judgement from people and about what a young 31 year old is doing with a man of 48. I didn’t go looking for a man significantly older he just walked into my life and at the right time. Sadly judgment comes at he is just looking for a trophy and I am just looking for money and entrapment.

    If I am honest he is the best decision that I have ever made and the best thing that has happened to me. I have previously been married and in relationships and some that caused more harm than good with men of a similar age group.

    Unfortunately as I found out myself that all people come with opinions but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it should be pushed onto you or make you feel like you are just in for what you can get.

    I hope that things work out for me and this man as it did your friend and her husband

  19. 109
    Phoebe

    At the advice of a poster on a different forum that I frequent, I decided to check this out.  This particular article with the accompanying comments just happened to be the first one I decided to read……

    It hasn’t made a very good impression.  It appears to ME, hence it’s my personal opinion, that if the commenters don’t fit into the narrowly prescribed reactions expected by Mr. Katz, that they are automatically haters, and their thoughts and feelings that this article provoked were incorrect and evil in nature. 

    I didn’t see any hatefulness in either the first Maria or Fiona’s comments….and I identified with some of the things they said.  Not out of hatefulness or jealousy, but because ON THE WHOLE, they made some valid points.  And Evan, you contradicted yourself a few times when you said that Michelle was not a friend, but a client…and then later referenced her as  someone you know “personally”.  I believe at one point you DID actually refer to her as a friend, which is why I believe you may have pulled the hair trigger on Maria and Fiona.   

    I guess that makes me the Devil or something?  lol 

    Anyway, best of luck to every one….I shan’t be darkening this door again.  Feel free to ban me, Mr. Katz.  ;-)    

    1. 109.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Thanks, Phoebe.

      This video is of Michelle: http://www.evanmarckatz.com/success-stories/

      She was my client on and off for a few years, which is why we were close enough for me to call her a “friend.”

      In fact, I met her for the first time at her wedding, where she thanked me in her wedding vows.

      You’re not the devil. You just don’t seem to get what I do, which is fine. Good luck to you in the future.

  20. 110
    Erica Cammareri

    I must say that I totally related to this story right now! 

    I am a 33 year old alpha female . I have had many failed whole hearted relationships with men who were a couple of years older, younger even the same age… Until I met my current man..15 years my senior. He has never been married (yet wants to marry me) no children (and we are actively trying to conceive) . He is very successful And is dedicated to help me grow as individual and for the first time in my life I met someone i respect. I love who I am when I am with him and who he makes me feel I want up be,

    i loved this story but hate the haters.. even in my own life I had to eliminate the haters because I can’t and won’t Let anyone get in my way of my happinesd

  21. 111
    Colleen

    I don’t like this story so much, it’s Not positive or heartwarming to me – he is 20 years or more?! Older than she is, if I had a daughter I would strongly discourage her from dating such a man. Is he going to make a good Father?? He didn’t want to even be one. He’ll die years before shDiane her children do, leaving them alone! Please don’t encourage more than a 10-12 year age difference Tops! This younger woman could have found a 25-40 year old man to love her and have children with. Gross!!!

  22. 112
    Sara G.

    I might be tone of the youngest readers here but it happened that i stumbled upon your blog today and i have been reading almost every article that is related to men , communication, distance and the articles that tackles insecurities and trust issues. I can say one thing , your blog will be part of my everyday break from now on and i  couldnt be any more happier than i am now , knowing that i can  always look for advice whenever anything happens in my personal or relationship life (which il be asking you about late on) . Wonderful story , wonderful message , and if i had to sum it up to a friend ,  i would say that , when true love is found , mutual efforts to keep it will always lead the way , regardless if these efforts were not placed at the same time …
    Much Love 
    Sara G. 

  23. 113
    Evelyn

    I was also surprised at Evan’s reaction to the 2 ladies’ opinions.  I didn’t see them as hateful or insulting at all.  I love hearing happy endings.  This story reminds me of your typical romantic comedy movies.  I am surprised, Evan, that you would encourage a woman who wants to have children to continue in a relationship with a man who said he does not.  Shouldn’t that be a deal breaker from day one? If she had eliminated him as a possibility immediately, couldn’t she have found another man who  who desperately wanted children during those 3 years, especially with the help of your coaching?  

    I am curious to know what your advice would be for this same couple, but the female is 20 years older than the male, no desire on the part of either for children, and income and status being equal? If they are happy and in love, isn’t that all that matters?

    Evan, we understand that you are passionate about what you do, and interested in telling success stories, as well as promoting what you do.  Is it possible your reaction to the “haters” was slightly biased and that you overreacted? 

    Mallarde-I assume you are male?  Possibly I’m biased because I am a 48 year old female, but really???! You are saying that 6 years makes that much of a difference in the level of attractiveness in a woman?  I think age is not always a measure of attractiveness.  Haven’t you ever known someone to become more attractive with age? I was recently told I have improved since graduating HS 30 years ago.  I hope you are blissfully happy with your 24 year old gf or wife.  What will you do when she turns 33???  

    1. 113.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Evelyn,

      The woman always thought she wanted children. The man was on the fence about having them. After a year and a half, she left him. He came back and said he didn’t want to live without her. That’s when I wrote this piece. She held firm to her convictions, she let a man fall in love with her and became indispensable to him, and she got his love, commitment and respect.

      Two years later, I went to their wedding. I was shocked to learn that they decided to NOT have children together. She would instead remain a Sunday school teacher for children, a niece and a devoted dog owner.

      The point, of course, is that this is THEIR compromise to negotiate together, and that any naysayers who have a different take on it are irrelevant. If THEY’RE happy, it doesn’t matter what all the skeptics and haters have to say. I remain firm in that conviction – and I say this as a guy with a lot of detractors. I don’t lose sleep when people insult me, my wife or my marriage, because they’re coming from some unsettled place: anger, hurt, jealousy, or simply misunderstanding about the reality of my life based on what little information they read on my blog. Some people write to me telling me how much they love how much I praise my wife and am wildly devoted to her; others ream me because I admit that I’d dated more impressive people in the past (even though I’ve obviously chosen HER to spend my next 40 years). The people who criticize me clearly don’t get me and are just trying to lash out, tear down, and injure – all because they disagree with something I wrote. Whatever. Haters gonna hate. I’m surrounding myself with the lovers, the optimists, and the non judgmental…and have no trouble casting out the people who’s only reaction to a love story is to shoot holes in it.

      (Oh, and as to my advice for the hypothetical 50 year old woman who wants to marry a 30 year old man? a) It’s not the same because my current post had EVERYTHING to do with having kids and playing things cool, b) I would only caution that there are very few examples of women 20 years older than their spouses, and that it’s probably not just “society” telling them so. A 45 year old guy might not be prepared when his wife turns 65. But really, yes, love is all that matters.

  24. 114
    Tami

    I know this may not be the popular opinion, but I thought I’d just throw my two cents in. I’m a 51 year old divorced woman. I can honestly say, I’ve noticed all types of different attractions and couplings. I’ve dated men as much as 10 years younger than me, and 12 years older. It never occurred to me to feel in competition with any other woman, younger or older. It’s just beautiful to me, that there are sooo many different and wonderful men out there. Some prefer younger, some prefer older, but what I’ve experienced, is it really doesn’t matter if they feel good, not judged and fully accepted by the woman they are spending time with. Just what I’ve experienced :) 

    1. 114.1
      Evelyn

      Tami-beautifully written-I agree!!!

  25. 115
    Tami

    Thank you Evelyn. Maybe a lot of it has to do with how we see ourselves, our own feelings of allowing vulnerability and learning to love ourselves so we’re not feeling so petty inside about the happiness of others, that we too share as a birthright 

  26. 116
    Jennifer

    Sometimes I wonder why our world must revolve round a man, I recently read an article Make Him Desire You by Alex Carter  http://makehimdesireyou.net  and it got me wondering why women have to keep putting the extra effort just to make a relationship work. It should be mutual.

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