I Think I’m Hot But My Boyfriend Doesn’t Seem to Think So

Evan, I want an honest opinion on my predicament. I am in a year-long relationship and my boyfriend is a wonderful man. We have a strong connection and share a lot of values, views and interests. We’re getting pretty serious but there’s something that is eating me up inside. I think my boyfriend doesn’t think I am hot!

Being 5’5″ and 115lbs and measuring 34-26-35.5”, I always assumed that I was in the same league as a lot of celebrities who boast similar bodies. Granted, I am a little heavier towards my hips and have a bit wider frame but does 1″ really make a lot of difference here? Well, yes, according to my dear b/f. He basically told me that I can’t even compare myself to an actress or other celebrities (this ridiculous conversation started while watching TV and making comments about some actress). To him, I am “good looking” and “pretty” but, say, Angelina Jolie is “hot”, and “beautiful” and I am well… a regular person so I am not, how could I possibly be? He “likes me and finds me attractive”, but by no means am I nearly as good looking as a movie star, and I am crazy to be even comparing myself to them. That was the essence of the conversation. Of course, I felt hurt and I had a few “nice” things to say to him in response – as in “look who’s talking” kind of things and this conversation went downhill right away.

Now, am I crazy to be upset about this outlook of his? Men I dated in the past were (or at least acted the part) infatuated by me. I am used to hearing how beautiful I am. Men turn heads when I walk down the street. While I am totally OK with the idea that somebody doesn’t find me the most beautiful woman on the planet, which a lot of people probably don’t, I am somehow not OK with that person being my boyfriend! I mean, if he was truly into me, wouldn’t I be to him more beautiful than all Hollywood celebrities combined? Wouldn’t he be saying things like “honey, Angelina Jolie got nothing on you”? What happens if I gain weight with age – do I go from being “pretty” to “ugly, but I love you anyway because we have 2 kids and a mortgage and divorcing you is too damn expensive”? Am I being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have I got a legitimate concern? Is recognizing that your girlfriend is not ranking at the top of your scale in terms of looks but is the best “package” you can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc. a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker? –Diana.

Love. This. Question.

It’s a microcosm of every misinterpretation in every relationship ever.

And before I answer it, I want to share with you a story.

It was a tale from a linguistics professor in college who explained to the class that, in studies, men tend to be much more direct in their language. Women are subtle.

We can see this in many forms of personal interaction.

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

Women are sensitive to each others’ needs. Men are blunt.

Women pick up on details. “What was he wearing? How did he kiss you? Where were you at the time?” Men just want to cut to the chase. “What’s the point?”

Women are supportive of their friends. “No, you don’t look fat in those jeans.”
Men cut their buddies down. “Dude, you gained, like twenty pounds!”

In fact, suffice to say, women are largely better and more sensitive communicators and men should really learn take a page out of women’s emotional playbooks.

Except for this one thing…

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

My linguistics professor used an example of how a typical man and a typical woman would respond to being stuck in a hot classroom.

The man would say, “It’s hot in here! Open the window!”

The woman would turn to her friend and say, “Do you think it’s hot in here?”

The man issues a command. The woman tries to build consensus, but she doesn’t come out directly and say what she really wants: open the goddamn window!

I’m not going to get into some debate about whether this is 100% accurate, because it’s not. Not all men are direct. Not all women are subtle and nuanced.

But the reason I’m sharing this, in reference to your situation, Diana, is that the most interesting thing about women’s linguistics patterns can be summed up in one line:

Men say what they mean. Women don’t.

Thus, women are often surprised when men say what they mean.

You asked your boyfriend a question.

He gave you an honest answer. You seem shocked that he would do so.

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

I’d be shocked if he told you otherwise. His answer would be the exact same answer I would give to my wife. The difference is that:

a) My wife would never ask me to compare her to Angelina Jolie. She’s not that insecure.
b) My wife would not be surprised at my response, which is that she’s no Angelina Jolie.
c) My wife would not take it personally that I told her the truth, because she knows she’s no Angelina Jolie.

So what’s really going on, Diana, is that you wanted your boyfriend to LIE to you.

You didn’t want the truth. You wanted praise.

Even if it meant that he lied right to your face.

Ironic, isn’t it?

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

You basically set yourself up for failure on a couple of levels.

• You expected your boyfriend to be “infatuated” with you because other men have been. Sorry, sweetie. Infatuation is soooo high school.

• You insulted your boyfriend’s looks because he didn’t lie and tell you were as attractive as one of the most attractive women on the planet. Catty much?

• You actually feel that that a man who is truly into you would think you are more beautiful than all of the Hollywood celebrities combined? Really?

How much self-delusion do you have to have to say such things?

I mean, let’s just take it to the extreme:

A man with average looks, average intelligence and an average job gets pissed at his girlfriend who doesn’t think he’s the love child of Brad Pitt and Steve Jobs.

Note: the girlfriend didn’t say he’s “average”. She just said he’s not perfect.

Should he be upset? I sure don’t think so.

Obviously, she loves him – that’s why she’s his girlfriend.

But if you compare ANY man to the most impressive person in his/her field, ALL them are going to compare unfavorably.

So, to answer your question:

Are you being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have you got a legitimate concern? Is your boyfriend recognizing that you may not be at the very top of his scale in terms of looks but are the best “package” he can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc? Is this a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker?

I would only say this…

You’re spot on in assessing your boyfriend’s maturity. Well done.

The real question is whether it’s a deal breaker for HIM to stay with a woman who has such a hard time hearing the truth.

I’ve dated such women and personally, I would rather date a 7 who can accept reality than a 10 who expects me to lie to her.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Amanda

    It’s in a woman’s DNA to want to be seen as the most beautiful woman in her man’s eyes. Her wanting to be that woman doesn’t mean she has low self esteem; it means she’s a woman. Like it or not, so much of a woman’s value is based on her beauty. A man telling his woman she doesn’t compare to another is basically telling her she’s second rate and that if given the choice between her and Angelina, he’d choose Angelina. She doesn’t want to feel like a consolation prize because he couldn’t get anyone better. This is basic female psychology. I’m sorry your wife isn’t the most beautiful woman to you, Evan. It sucks even more that your wife is okay knowing she’s a 7 in your eyes. It’s like you knowing that your penis doesn’t quite do it for her but she’ll still have sex with you anyway because…well…you pay the bills and she couldn’t find a man who satisfies her better. How sad.

    1. 1.1
      Hope

      You are so right Amanda.  I found this page because I was googling “I’m not insecure but why won’t my husband compliment me?”  He compliments our kids, co-workers, etc.  Just not me — very rarely, and if he does it seems like its begrudgingly, as though I have somehow assaulted his manhood.  He used to compliment me all the time — I would say it stopped around the time when we had kids.  (There is a part of me that thinks – before we had kids he was worried he could lose me.  Once we had kids he knew I wasn’t going anywhere, so he didn’t have to work so hard.)   It’s as though he’s used up his supply on others.  I think there is a part of him that wants to be “real” with me, and I read somewhere that men feel like compliments are manipulative, which sounds like something he would say.  But I have told him many times flat out that I need words — compliments, insights, to feel sexy.  He then gives me the list of all the things he does for me to show he loves me that I don’t appreciate.   I get it, but his list just makes me angry.  For me, hearing WHY he is with me, and WHAT it is that makes me special to him — that’s what gets me in the mood.  My sexuality is drying up, and yet I keep having sex with him to make our marriage strong, but it’s more and more resentful on my end.  I’m with you — women want to feel cherished.  We want to feel like our guy is thrilled to be with us.  Not like we’re just the best combination of looks, smarts and personality — and a warm place to put it — the guy was able to get.   

    2. 1.2
      nicola

      I like that well said!!!

    3. 1.3
      Cassandra

      I’m highly offended, Amanda, when you said that “a woman’s value is based on her beauty.” Please don’t objectify women, we have much more to offer to offer than being a pretty vase.

    4. 1.4
      tamara

      Wow, some ladys’ posts on this topic are kinda unbelievable, including yours Amanda’s (but I only read a few). Firstly pls don’t speak for all women. I don’t have the desire to be the most beautiful woman in my guy’s eyes. Sure when I was a teenager maybe, but I don’t think u’re a teenager anymore. At 15, I’d watch Smallville with my crush, and know that pretty as I was, I was no Kristin Kreuk and i was sad he would find her more beautiful cos she looked so perfect. But many women mature and realise that’s ridiculous.
      The woman in this story sounds so insecure and immature. And I’m genuinely shocked that there are women are agreeing with her, or even being catty enough to put down celebrities’–like Angelina’s–beauty (yes I know u hate feeling pressured to look like Angelina, but blame the media or yourself, don’t get mean/jealous towards the beautiful woman) . Like I know women sometimes have more rosetinted lenses towards the men we like. I was on a date with a great guy recently and when he was mentioning Johnny Depp, I honestly told him I didn’t find him super-hot, and inwardly I was thinking I found him more attractive and hotter, but didn’t say it. I’m very sure objectively-speaking he’s not, but in my eyes he really was, but women shouldn’t require that from guys. If u have a great guy and he loves u and u love him, what more do u want? Getting upset over such minor things is really silly.
      Um and I’m stunned u insulted Evan and his wife, just cos his wife isn’t as insecure and catty towards females as u.

  2. 2
    sarahrahrah!

    Ouch, Evan. You really take the “direct communicator” model to heart. ;D

    To the OP I would say this: yes, it’s good to be honest with yourself about your looks. You’re not Angelina Jolie and that’s probably a lot more manageable anyway. What you really want to know is if your guy is crazy about you, right?

    Does he do all the things that Evan says guys do when they are in love? Is he able to praise and compliment you and be generous with his time? If so, I would drop your concern and never bring it up again. It will just annoy him. If this is a symptom of a guy who is aloof and not able to communicate his love for you, you should borrow a page from the guys and ask him directly to give verbal feedback more often. If your guy is uber-logical like I’m guessing he might be, he might respond very positively to your request.

    1. 2.1
      mandy

      Yup.. what you really want your bf to say is that he finds you attractive And He Wants To Be With You. You don’t really care about whether you look like Angelina Jolie to him. In that case, just tell him that you want some affectionate nice words about the way you look. Asking my boyfriend what he likes about my face has always given me very happy results.

  3. 3
    Heather

    Evan,

    Now hold on a second here. Before we go jumping all over this woman and whatnot, here’s one thing. We weren’t there. We did not hear HOW he said it to her.

    I think what a lot of men fail to understand is that we women DO want an honest man, but we also want a little bit of sensitivity. There’s an old saying, that I repeat often to patients I work with, and my boyfriend, “It’s not WHAT you say. It’s HOW you say it.” And if he said something like, “Pffft, please, you’re NOTHING like them.” Well I can see why Ms. Diana would get hurt. I would be too, if I were spoken to like that.

    Do alot of women want a guy to lie to them? I guess so, I don’t know. I’m of the opinion that I’d prefer the truth any day over a lie. However, you don’t need to go bashing someone over the head with the truth, either.

    One thing alot of you guys need to learn, is tact, and to think before you speak. Just the other day at work, my department administrator came to me and said, “Heather, are you submitting your paperwork?” Excuse me?? Not, “Hey Heather, it’s the end of the month, is everything going OK? Need anything? Are there any problems?” Nope, just “Are you doing your paperwork?” And also let me add that I “reality checked” this with several men, who agreed that my admin was way out of line and insensitive for talking to me like that.

    I am not totally defending this woman since I don’t know what happened to her. But let’s not jump all over her and tell her she can’t handle an honest man, when we weren’t there, and we couldn’t hear how that conversation went down.

  4. 4
    Kathleen

    I respect Evans response for its honestly and directness
    I find the question unusual because the majority of women seem to underestimate their attractiveness. This is true amongst my friends and I just read an article about it the other day on msn. I can’t imagine most women challenging their boyfriends with this question. It does seem extremely insecure and to fling an insult back at him definitely immature.

  5. 5
    Ileana

    I don’t know what to say to this one, Evan…

    I think Diana is a bit childish by trying to compare herself to Hollywood celebrities because a) most of the Hollywood celebrities usually had some sort of plastic surgery and b) we usually see them on the red carpet or in some of the best photos (movies) there are out there, where they have the best make-up and lighthing available. So even though there are paparazzies everywhere, they usually put their best foot forward (lookwise)… heck, they earn their living by looking glamorous. They rarely have anything else to offer other than looks (and in some cases talent). Get over it!
    Plus, i really doubt that beauty is the indicator of a solid and happy relationship, considering the stuff that goes on between the ‘hot’ Hollywood couples.

    What actually bothered me in her letter was that her boyfriend said Angelina is beautiful and Diana is only ‘pretty’. Is he not aware that Angelina has a whole team of people taking care of this very aspect? I agree that he shouldn’t have lied to her, but still… ‘I think you are beautiful in your own way’ would have sounded way better. It’s like telling your guy that he is not handsome only because he isn’t Clooney.

  6. 6
    david

    At first, I read this and thought the boyfriend was not doling out affection because she wasn’t measuring up to “celebrity-hotness”, or their sex life was being affected, but you’re right, this doesn’t seem to be the case — the OP wants some validation that she is as hot Kim Kardas. or Angelia Jolie…

    I had a friend like this (emphasis on ‘HAD’) — who at early 40′s looked 22 and had a great bosom and great lips and was sexy / cute (and got hit on constantly — notes on her windshield, etc., had a boyfriend) but was so insecure, would DEMAND reasons why she wasn’t as hot as the celebrities listed and wouldn’t let you off the phone until you presented your argument…and she cried. This was exhausting and felt like getting pulled into a black hole.

    Reading this, reminds me of that. And the boyfriend probably feels like that too.

  7. 7
    Vicki

    If someone is the type of person who seeks validation outside of herself – as in the clothes she wears, the car she drives, and how high up the number scale her partner is in the looks department – then she probably suffers from low self-esteem, or she isn’t very educated or accomplished and has nothing besides her looks to feel good about. I think this woman is very fixated on her own looks, and worried also that she will lose them and her guy will lose interest as a result. It’s a valid concern, if you have a tendency to date men who are very fixated on your looks. The man she is dating could be (1) a person who doesn’t care as much about looks as she does ( in which case he is probably a better quality man than she’s used to, and probably he is attracted to her for other reasons than just her looks) or (2) he has a much higher and pickier standard of looks and doesn’t really feel that he’s lucky to be with her (red flag number 1! he will take off as soon as he meets someone slightly prettier) or (3) he’s the kind of guy who needs to put a girl “in her place” – he will find ways to constantly put you down or belittle you or make you feel like you’re not worthy somehow (red alert warning! run from this guy as fast as you can!). It’s very difficult to judge the situation from this one event or email. The fact that it bothers her this much, makes me think she’s picking up on something being not quite right about this guy. There have probably been other instances, slight remarks, that didn’t blow out into a fight as in this example she writes about. If her gut feeling is that this guy doesn’t like her much, or doesn’t seem pleased to be with her, he’s probably just “not that into her” and she should move on and find someone else who is crazy about her. Worst case scenario: his remarks about her looks are deliberately disrespectful, and he’s trying to undermine her self-esteem. Watch out for other signs of mental or emotional abuse. They won’t get better. They *will* get worse. Better still, stop comparing yourself to movie stars and inviting others to do so as well. Most movie stars aren’t that good-looking anyway. They just have access to professional makeup artists and stylists, and you don’t. Angelina Jolie probably looks like a dead trout when she rolls out of bed in the morning. Ditto for Brad Pitt.

  8. 8
    amy

    I generally agree with you, Evan, but I’m not sure this time. I can’t tell if she is delusional. Like, no one is as hot as Angelina Jolie. But if she is semi-hot, her boyfriend should feel that way. He does have a job to make her feel he believes she is sexy and beautiful. (The word “attractive” should be banned from the dictionary, it’s so insulting.)
    Sounds like she needs more affirmation than he’s giving her.

  9. 9
    david

    Also, flip the genders — what about I demanded of my (imaginary) girlfriend – how come you don’t find me in the same league as Brad pitt or George Clooney? If you loved me, you would think I was hotter than them combined!

    That sounds absurd.

    Just because one is the same porportions as the ‘Celebrity-of-the-month’ just make you an “unfamous peer of them” in the looks department.

    And isn’t it possible he sees MORE beauty in you ON THE INSIDE than he could of any celebrity (and the ability to look past your insecurity and ego?)

  10. 10
    Selena

    Diana,

    With your boyfriend – please google Celebrities Without Makeup. Eye opening and perspective putting. Do it.

  11. 11
    Aksauy

    Oh well. Like i always say, honesty is overrated. If you had a choice to tell the truth and hurt your g/f feelings, or tell a (harmless) lie and make her feel good, why would you chose to tell the truth? Who needs it anyway? In life, i noticed time and time again that “honesty” is mostly about thr ego of the person who is “being honest”, either their pride or their putting other people down with their truths.

  12. 12
    Holly

    I think it’s important for the men and women in relationships to express their desire for one another. Let’s face it, the majority of us are no Clooneys or Jolies and we know it, but it would be nice to think that our partner desires us anyway. I’m currently dating a man who has been honest in letting me know that he has been with plenty of “hot” women in the past. However, he seems to assume that simply dating me should be assurance enough that I’m an acceptable partner. He does not drop little hints or comments to boost my self-confidence and I’m left wondering if I’m just a place-holder until the next hottie comes along. Being 20 pounds over my ideal weight and no looker, I’m finding myself very insecure in this particular relationship even though he’s a great catch in so many other ways. Folks, you don’t have to compare yourselves (or your partners) to the Hollywood elite, but it sure would be reassuring to hear the occasional “Damn, you look good in that! I’m a lucky guy/girl.” I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.

    1. 12.1
      Mon

      You’re absolutely right. I don’t think this question is at all about really being as hot as Angelina Jolie’s whole team of stylists and artists do to make her that way, but just feeling like your man wants you. My man is wonderful in almost every way but I NEVER know if he finds me attractive or not. Whether I put on a pretty dress or do my makeup differently, he never says anything about it. I know I am a good-looking woman to the general public, but am I good looking specifically to him? Hell if I know.

  13. 13
    Happy Person

    1) I think A Jolie is kinda creepy looking. She might be a nice and interesting person–don’t know. So I’m not slamming her the person. Just the image.

    2) I don’t get the part of popular culture where these freaky looking people are considered better-looking than so-called normal people. Because of this I wouldn’t be with a guy who talks about celebrity pop culture as if this is anything we should admire or aspire to. We can all look like that if we spent the time and money to do so. I think it’s sane that most of us do not.

    3) Men don’t get the final word on how we look or feel in our bodies. We do. That he feels so entitled to judge female attractiveness is a problem. That she goes along with him in this role is also a problem. That pop culture supports this view of man as consumer of female packaging is also a problem. (No, I don’t buy the evo psych view of male sexuality, so won’t respond to those justifications of rude behavior.)

    4) If a guy is more into a woman’s “internal beauty” than her “external beauty” then that should be clear from his words and his behavior. Women don’t go all insecure or crazy around guys who treat all women as humans rather than as packaging. They get calm.

    5) The person who is in front of you and sharing all or a part of your life is more important than some image floating around in your head. Goes for both men and women.

    1. 13.1
      Jamie

      Re: Happy Person
      “4) If a guy is more into a woman’s “internal beauty” than her “external beauty” then that should be clear from his words and his behavior. Women don’t go all insecure or crazy around guys who treat all women as humans rather than as packaging. They get calm.”

      I agree, Ive met men that made me feel so beautiful without any compliments, because they were beautiful inside. The ones that cut me down and generally didn’t show much respect for any women, were in fact abusive men who hit women, not to mention they also acted insanely nuts – ie: typical narcissistic behavior – a poor excuse for people without compassion. This type of man is judgemental and will cut you down. RUN… dont even think of WHY you should run, just do it… I will never give my heart or my body to anyone who doesn’t appreciate me.This is a matter of self preservation and self respect. I will no longer waste my precious time on earth crying over someone else other than my true loved ones. Kick the loser out and bring love in.

  14. 14
    Annette

    I usually agree with you Evan but I think you were a little harsh on the girl. Without being privy to the conversation, it’s hard to tell if the guy was being a bit tactless and needlessly hurtful. My boyfriend is always honest with me (which I love) but he is also blunt, so I do know better than to ask a question like, “Am I hotter than Angelina?”. (since we both know I’m not). But he also tells me I’m beautiful a lot, which is always nice to hear. She may be insecure, but maybe her b/f could have said the truth in a way that didn’t make her question his attraction to her.

  15. 15
    Evan Marc Katz

    @Amanda – I posted your snarky remark instead of censoring it – even though it violates the rules of the blog – don’t insult the host (and especially his wife).

    In short, neither my wife or I find our marriage to be sad – and I would trust that anyone who knows us thinks that we’re about the happiest couple they know. So what do they see that you don’t?

    They see a couple who likes each other, respects each other, puts each other first, and communicates REALLY, REALLY, REALLY well.

    So if I don’t look like Colin Farrell (one of my wife’s crushes), I’m not remotely threatened or insulted. Why should I be? She hasn’t met Colin Farrell. She won’t meet Colin Farrell. She’s bright enough to know that there are other qualities besides looks. She doesn’t have him pegged for the best husband/father around. In short, because I’m really secure in my relationship, I could not care less about how she evaluates my looks in comparison to a super good-looking guy. I know this: she thinks I’m cute, we have a good sex life, and we’re both happy.

    To suggest that she’s my “consolation prize” or that either of us are “second rate” is to severely diminish what we have. You can say many things about us, but “sad” isn’t a label that would stick for even a half-second. In fact, my definition of sad would probably being in a relationship where my partner was expected to lie to me in order to keep the peace.

    @Amanda and Ileana – She’s his GIRLFRIEND. Year long relationship. Wonderful man. Strong connection. He thinks she’s pretty and good looking. That would seem to tell me everything I need to know about how he feels about her. She never said that her boyfriend insulted her or found her unattractive. She said that he didn’t think she was attractive as debatably the sexiest celebrity out there. To which I said, “So what?”

    I repeat: if this is something that you have in your DNA (hint: it’s not), then don’t ask questions where you don’t want the real answers. Sounds like that’s a better way of keeping the peace, instead of setting him up to hurt you with his honesty – or, your preferred method of treatment – the baldfaced lie.

    I can’t think of a single man who’s ever had this conversation and ask to be favorably compared to the most gorgeous guy out there.

    Honestly, why WOULD he?

    I know where I stand on the looks scale and as long as my wife still finds me attractive and compliments me from time to time, we’re good. Those compliments would mean a lot less if I asking for them and knew in the back of my mind that they were untrue.

  16. 16
    Fawn

    Bravo, Evan! Great response!

  17. 17
    Aksauy

    Not to make this about Jolie, but seriously have people not seen her pics without makeup? Hot, i think not, haha. I just generally dont get all the fascination with celebrities, most of them are very average looking and just glammed up and photoshoped to the extreme. I see girls no less beautiful everywhere i go. The beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and beauty is confidence.. To paraphrase Ford, whether you think you’re beautiful or you are not, you’re right.

  18. 18
    JS

    The thing that always amuses me about these types of comparisons (does “normal person X” look as good as “famous person Y”) is that if Angelina Jolie decided to be a lawyer instead of an actress, her bf/friends would tell her “oh, no you’re not nearly as hot as Jessica Alba or whomever. She’s famous and you’re just a mere mortal.” We should really remember that all these famous people started out as normal people at one point. So a week before they get their big break, they’re normal and shouldnt try to compare to celebrities but the next week when their first movie kills at the box office, then all of sudden they are celebrity-level hot…? WTF. Either they were hot before & after fame or not at all.

    What someone does for a living doesn’t make them gorgeous. Kathy Bates is an extraordinarily talented actress but even in her youth, she wasn’t as hot as my next door neighbor who is a doctor.

    Beauty is beauty. Famous people can be hotter or uglier than non-famous people and vice versa. If the OP is not hot as hot as the celebrities she asked her bf about, then she’s simply not and would not be even if she were famous. And in my opinion, just based upon her measurements (not facial beauty, as we dont have a photo), she sounds like she’s got the body of a famous hot person.

    Plus…. for every guy who loves Angelina there are a ton of other guys who don’t think she’s all that but instead love Beyonce or Jessica Biel or whomever. Men debate “who is the hottest” even among the famous women of the world. It’s all so subjective.

  19. 19
    Heather

    Evan,

    Why must you keep assuming that we women want men to lie to us? You don’t know me. You don’t know how I think. I really rather resent the broad brush generalization here. It would be like my going around and going, “Oh all of you guys are just mean and verbally abusive.” I know you’d be pissed off and rightly so.

    So why are you coming down on all of us women and saying we all want to be lied to? Not all of us women say these things to our boyfriends, or are insecure.

  20. 20
    Evan Marc Katz

    Oh, this post is not about Angelina Jolie or celebrities without makeup.

    This is about the OP who thinks there’s something wrong with her relationship because while her boyfriend of one year finds her pretty, he doesn’t think she’s the prettiest person he’s ever seen.

  21. 21
    Stacy

    I usually almost always agree with what you’ve written, Evan, and even in this case I do, to a point. Guys are definitely more direct and honest. I’ve learned not to ask if I don’t want an honest answer from my boyfriend, but in this case, I don’t necessarily agree with the boyfriend just being honest. I do think the OP is possibly insecure and was seeking validation from her boyfriend with her question, but I think that her boyfriend should find her “hot” because why wouldn’t you date someone that you found hot? I know I’m not the most beautiful person in the world and I know that there are women out there that I’m sure my boyfriend would find objectively “hotter” but he tells me all the time that he thinks I’m hot and beautiful and pretty and he shows me all the time that he feels that way as well. He wolf whistles at me or ogles me and winks. It’s the little things that go a long way in making a woman feel attractive and “hot” and while I would never ask for a direct comparison with a celebrity I know that my boyfriend would still tell me that I was hot if I did. (Well, probably only after he told me it was a stupid “trap question!)

  22. 22
    Selena

    Re: # 19
    “This is about the OP who thinks there’s something wrong with her relationship because while her boyfriend of one year finds her pretty, he doesn’t think she’s the prettiest person he’s ever seen.”

    I think it may also have a bit to do with vanity since Diana wrote: “While I am totally OK with the idea that somebody doesn’t find me the most beautiful woman on the planet, which a lot of people probably don’t, I am somehow not OK with that person being my boyfriend!”

    Mirror, mirror on the wall – who’s the fairest of them all?
    You better say me, if you know what’s good for you!!!!

  23. 23
    Karl R

    Amanda said: (#1)
    “A man telling his woman she doesn’t compare to another is basically telling her she’s second rate and that if given the choice between her and Angelina, he’d choose Angelina. She doesn’t want to feel like a consolation prize because he couldn’t get anyone better.”

    My fiancée has met the most attractive woman I ever dated. Part way through my first date with the more attractive woman, I realized that I had no interest in ever dating her again -and- I should have scheduled a shorter date. That woman was sweet and beautiful, but not intelligent enough to maintain my interest.

    I got someone better than that attractive woman. Physical attractiveness isn’t the most important quality.

    Aksauy asked: (#11)
    “Like i always say, honesty is overrated. If you had a choice to tell the truth and hurt your g/f feelings, or tell a (harmless) lie and make her feel good, why would you chose to tell the truth?”

    Why would I choose a girlfriend who needs a steady diet of lies to be happy?

    As david said (#9), flip the genders.

    Would you date a man who got upset because you thought George Clooney (or Russel Crowe, or Orlando Bloom) was better looking than him?

    Would you date a man who has to be reassured that you’ve never dated anyone who was stronger, more handsome, more successful or better endowed than he was?

    Diana asked:
    “if he was truly into me, wouldn’t I be to him more beautiful than all Hollywood celebrities combined?”

    Do you have to believe a man is more handsome than all Hollywood celebrities combined in order to be truly into him?

  24. 24
    sg

    I agree men and women communicate differently but many women like to be told they are beautiful, and some of us who are a little insecure need a little reassurance. Frankly I think kindness should trump frankness when it doesn’t hurt anything – would it have killed her boyfriend to just tell her she’s hot?

  25. 25
    Happy Person

    Wasn’t there a comment on here recently about AJolie being an upgrade from Jennifer? I don’t think it was a poster who made the comment, and the comment wasn’t about AJolie being a better communicator than Jennifer. So not sure why the descent into petty celebrity comparisons is all on the posters.

  26. 26
    JP

    I think what’s ultimately sad is that Amanda echoes a sentiment that is now embedded in young women everywhere; that they’re only as good as their looks and need to be seen as beautiful first and foremost. Beauty is not just a word for looks. It’s a word for sentiments, feelings, and all sorts of other things that go along with marriage. My wife is a beautiful person, and her looks are simply a part of that. She’s so much more than good looking. She’s good feeling, good hearted, good natured, good-smarted (to keep the theme) and good to her family. Society and commercialism have demonized women who aren’t a certainly weight and height, and worse, has often made them look at only their defects…. Evan is absolutely right that men are direct and that honesty in a marriage is so much more important than someone who lies. Tact is a factor as Heather said and should not be forgotten, but I think what this person is really scared of is that he’ll leave her for someone better looking and she can’t come out and say that. He probably would totally re-assure her that he loves her if she did.

  27. 27
    Jewel

    One thing is for sure, the boyfriend is tactless.I don’t buy this being blunt as a reason to hurt your partners feelings. On the other hand its best not to ask questions you arent prepared to hear the answer to.

    I remember years ago talking with my husband about Marilyn Monroe and I mentioned I thought she was the sexiest woman I had ever seen. He said he didnt agree, and when I asked him who was sexiest to him, thinking he would choose another celebrity, he said “You are”.

    He got a lot of “brownie” points with that response :)

  28. 28
    Aksauy

    @Karl: everybody needs reassurance, men even more than women. What is so horrible in offering it? And again, “pretty”? Sorry, a dress is “pretty”, a little girl with a bow is “pretty”, but if a guy does not find his girfriend anything other than “pretty”, there absolutely is something wrong with it. My money is on him just being clueless thou

  29. 29
    Katarina Phang

    It’s not about honesty, it’s about whether or not idle talk is conducive in relationship. To me talking about relative attractiveness of others compared to your partner is idle talk. What’s the point? What purpose does it serve? Now, you have an insecure partner or hurt feelings because of that.

    If you love someone you want to build them up not put them down. I will definitely bond closer to my partner who says, “Honey, you may not be the most beautiful woman in the world to others, but you are to me.”

    What he thinks about me matters the most, not what other people think.

    1. 29.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      This is astonishing to me. The wonderful boyfriend didn’t come out of the blue and say, “You know what? I’m not attracted to you at all. In fact, if I had to do it all again, I’d hold out for someone who looks more like Angelina Jolie.” Not even close.

      The OP, Diana, came out and ASKED him, point-blank, to say something that, at the very least, stretches the bounds of credulity. It puts him in an unfair position – and everyone who’s getting on him for being tactless is not remotely sympathetic to him. Lying – to some of us – is an extremely uncomfortable act. It broaches our integrity and makes us feel uneasy with ourselves. To some of us, truth isn’t something that’s optional.

      So to all the women who are somehow sympathetic with our insecure, manipulative, unrealistic OP…

      Are you more bothered by the fact that:

      1) He didn’t tell her a pretty little lie like, “Sweetie, I wouldn’t even look twice at Angelina if she were standing next to you.” (You know this is a lie. I know this is a lie. But we’re going to pretend it’s not.)

      OR

      2) He didn’t actually think she was as hot as a super-hot celebrity. (Because your boyfriend can’t simply be in love with you, treat you well, and make your life better in a thousand ways – every man has to be delusional enough to sincerely think his girlfriend is the HOTTEST woman in the WORLD)

      Remember, he IS her boyfriend. He DOES find her attractive, and for all we know, he compliments her when she gets dressed up for a night on the town or when they’re in the bedroom. (We have no evidence that he doesn’t). The ONLY reason this came up was because she was soliciting a completely unrealistic compliment.

      I wouldn’t WANT a girlfriend who says, “Oh, you’re the ‘biggest’ man I’ve ever been with.” It’s not true. It would make me feel uneasy. It would make me feel that she may be lying to me about other things. This seems so readily apparent to me.

      Are all you defenders REALLY saying that the “right” man is going to FEEL you’re more beautiful than the most beautiful woman or SAY that you’re more beautiful than the most beautiful woman, even though we all know that neither is true? Don’t all of his OTHER actions as a boyfriend add up to a lot more than this ridiculous unsolicited question by an insecure girlfriend? Would you REALLY turn this into a dealbreaker against your man?

      If so, you now have a much clearer explanation as to why men lie to you. You can’t handle the truth.

  30. 30
    moe

    FIRST OFF, ladies….who asks men about how they look? WHO goes fishing for compliments? Just dress good, eat healthy, keep up with the hygienne, etc and there you go, he KNOWS you look good. Thats all he needs, to look at you without having to give a response all the time. I mean we like to hear it, but I certainly NEVER ask a man how I look, because my looks are measured by ME.

    I think its creepy when women go fishing for compliments verbally, why yall got to be so insecure? Ladies, its time to grow up. Evans right, the truth hurts. Dont ask if you dont want to get hurt.

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