My Boyfriend Follows Sexy Instagram Models. Is This Normal?

My Boyfriend is Selfish. Why Won’t He Change for Me?
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I have been in an exclusive sexual relationship with a high-quality man for 4 months now. Things are easy and natural and I have no concerns with trust or how he feels. However, I happened to notice recently as I was looking to see if we have a mutual follow on Instagram that he is following about a dozen women who primarily post sexy swimsuit or lingerie pictures. I am not naive enough to think that guys don’t look at other girls nor insecure enough to think that he doesn’t think that I’m sexy too. I have a sexy side that will send him sexy pics of myself occasionally too but I don’t want to be compared to these other women. Although I work out and I think my body is strong and sexy, I’ve had 2 kids!! I just feel that it is a little disrespectful. He has me sending him sexy pics; I am uncomfortable that his Instagram feed is filled with these pictures of sexy other women on a daily basis.

My questions are…is this a “normal” guy thing? Is there a “right” time or way to tell him how I feel?

Thanks Evan! I think you are great and appreciate all your advice in you blogs and podcasts!

Kristen

In my first book “I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book – A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating, I advised women not to post photos that show too much skin because it would attract the wrong guys.

It’s an easy argument to make – especially with the number of god-awful pervs who think that telling you what they’re going to do to you in their introductory email is a good idea.

The way you see it, if you hold back the photos that highlight your body, you’ll eliminate the bad guys. Better to keep things all buttoned up to avoid attracting “bad” men.

The way you see it, if you hold back the photos that highlight your body, you’ll eliminate the bad guys. Better to keep things all buttoned up to avoid attracting “bad” men.

I coasted on that advice for a few years, upon which I realized that I was one of those bad men.

Cleavage? Bikinis on the beach? Tight dresses that hide nothing? Yes, please!

And since I know that I’m not a “bad man” but rather, “a man,” I ceased giving such stupid, puritanical advice. Now I encourage my clients – usually in their 40’s and 50’s – to ramp up their sex appeal and minimize the Mom photos and snowsuit shots from their last ski trip.

Sex appeal doesn’t mean laying on a bed in lingerie with a rose in your teeth. It just means posting photos that appeal to men’s basest impulses. If he clicks on your profile and is turned on, a good man will then read about you and write based on your content rather than your looks.

Why do I lead with this story, Kristen?

Because there’s a lot of advice given based on how women think men should act as opposed to advice given on how men actually act. I’m an advocate for the latter.

In this oft-shared post “What Do Men Get Out of Looking at Other Women?” I try to explain (if not justify) the phenomenon. For most of us, looking at women is like looking at a rainbow or a bright orange Lamborghini. They’re all head-turners in our book. Telling us to not turn our heads is a good exercise in teaching men to respect women – but it does go against our very nature.

So, is it gauche for a guy to follow Instagram models? Kinda. Is it immature? Kinda. It is short-sighted when you have a sensitive and slightly jealous girlfriend? Kinda. At the same time, if we’re being honest, if I were 30 and active on Instagram, that is EXACTLY what I’d be doing.

And then I’d find a girlfriend who would feel the same way you did and I’d be torn. On one hand, I want her to be happy and feel bad that she feels bad. On the other, looking at these women has absolutely nothing to do with my feelings for her and I don’t see why I should have to completely cease my no-cost, no-effort hobby at scrolling through hot photos in my spare time. It’s certainly not cheating. As defined by women, it’s more like microcheating, which is a very blurry line.

My problem with your guy does not stem from his casual Instagram habit – since I STILL look at provocative photos online – as a very happily married man for the past 11 years.

My problem stems from this one sentence: “He has me sending sexy pics.”

The way that was phrased makes it sound like he is a Svengali who has power over you. It makes it sound like you don’t want to send those pics but he’s pressuring you to do so. It makes it sound like you are so enthralled with him that you don’t want to set limits and boundaries.

Maybe I’m reading this wrong, but between you and me, Instagram in and of itself isn’t a problem with a high-quality man. In this case, however, it may be the canary in the coal mine that is indicative of greater control/power/sex/infidelity issues.

I would encourage you to reconsider whether you’re actually comfortable with this man, and question if he is, indeed “high-quality.” Any guy who “makes you” send sexy pics should be summarily left behind if you’re not 100% as enthusiastic about it as he is.

One other thing I just realized after I wrote this: you say you’re in an “exclusive sexual relationship.” Sorry, but if he hasn’t claimed the title of “boyfriend” yet, you’re being played. Seriously.

 

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Dana

    This is why EMK is EMK: That is some damn fine delineation. While ‘exclusive sexual relationship’ is part of being a boyfriend, any man would say it’s not a synonym for ‘boyfriend.’ And while a boyfriend might also follow sexy IG models, or “have you” send him sexy pics, I think there’s a good chance that the level of intimacy that comes with mutually acknowledging that the two of you want to be in a committed relationship would go a long way toward resolving those issues. (Apologies in advance if I’ve misconstrued.)

    1. 1.1
      RustyLH

      I agree with EMK, that if he hasn’t claimed the title of boyfriend, he isn’t her boyfriend. You are, or you are not…no in between. You hear many men say that they knew the moment they saw a woman, that they wanted to marry her. With some that may be true. In reality, he wanted her to be the one, and she turned out to be the one…meaning nothing altered his desire for her, as he got to know her. Other men are a bit more cautious, but the odds are, he still knows whether he wants to pursue her…get to know her, and see if something gels between them. The reality is that if a man has come to the point that he wants something serious, he gets serious. Not all men are the same in how they approach this, and then you have to the men who learn Game. They may be taught to hold back on commitment as long as possible. Not because he doesn’t want her…but because he wants her to keep trying her hardest to please him. I hate to say it, but both women, and men, are often at their best in a relationship, when the other person isn’t so confident that their mate is fully committed.

      I watched a video of a PUA guy. Wasn’t searching for it, it came up in a search for stuff on Korea. In fact, the video wasn’t titled as being about PUA, just about Korean women, and culture. The only thing I remember was a very good looking young white guy in the video..he was with a group of friends of varying races. About 9 of them in total. They were talking about Korean women, and he stated that he had been having trouble getting a Korean girlfriend. No trouble getting dates, and even some second dates, but very quickly, the girls started avoiding him. So he asked one girl why. The answer he go was surprising. You see, the way to get a Korean girlfriend was just the opposite on how to get an American girlfriend, in his words. In his lessons, he had been taught to do things like NEG, and play it cool…don’t act too interested, just enough to keep things going. In other words, don’t do what they call the Direct Approach. Don’t wear your heart, or your mind, on a sleeve. Don’t jump in with both feet. Don’t show too much interest. Why? American women see you as being desperate, for one thing. Second, it seems to easy for them. And so many other things we could get into.

      For the Korean women, it was just the opposite. Act aloof, and they become disinterested. You are a player. Why are you wasting her time. Either you are interested in her, or you are not. If you are interested, step up and show that you are. In other words, use the direct approach method.

      When I heard that, I wanted to get on the next plane to Korea. Personally, I think there are a lot of guys out there “playing the Game,” who would rather not. What most guys dream about, is a woman who is appealing to his eyes, and is “EASY” to be around. Instead, it always seems like there is this pitcher-batter contest going on. Pitcher is trying to out-think the batter, and the batter is trying to guess what the pitcher is doing. A life of that is exhausting.

      I wonder if that is the case with the guy in this story.

      1. 1.1.1
        RustyLH

        “I hate to say it, but both women, and men, are often at their best in a relationship, when the other person isn’t so confident that their mate is fully committed.”

        Meant to say ” I hate to say it, but both women, and men, are often at their best in a relationship, when they believe the other person isn’t fully committed. They work hard to keep the person in the relationship. You let little things go, you remember to say nice things, etc…but, when you feel confident the other person isn’t going anywhere, you relax, and as a result, are no longer as good in the relationship as you once were.

        1. Stacy

          RustyLH,

          Maybe it’s an age thing. If I even feel just a little bit that someone isn’t fully committed, I am majorly turned off. My man and I are in a fully committed relationship and I am overly confident that he isn’t going anywhere. I guarantee you that he feels the same. We’ve invested too much in each other. Because of that, we treat each other like royalty.

          On the other hand, if there was barely any investment, maybe my point of view would change.

        2. RustyLH

          I think it’s more of what stage of the game you are at. You have that investment now. And, you and your husband are fully committed. I think, in the earlier stages, if you keep in mind that the other person CAN leave, at anytime, it would motivate you to not take them for granted. Over time, your investment in the relationship should be motivation enough to not take the other person for granted.

  2. 2
    Clare

    My first instinct when I read this was, Instagram models? Big deal. Shrug. I have no idea whether my boyfriend follows sexy models on Instagram – I don’t think he does, but I could be wrong. I don’t think about it from one day to the next, but that’s because my boyfriend makes me feel secure in our relationship.

    I tend to be of the opinion that, for the most part, issues like these, which are small in and of themselves, are magnified when the relationship is creating bigger insecurities. Small issues like these become a convenient hook on which to hang the relationship woes.

    I agree with Evan about the “exclusive sexual relationship” and “has me sending sexy pics.” Kinda makes it sound like this guy is only interested in one thing. If she is cool with all of that then fine, but the way she complains about the Instagram models makes it sound as if she isn’t.

    Also Evan, this: “Because there’s a lot of advice given based on how women think men should act as opposed to advice given on how men actually act.”

    Oh my goodness, yes. I am a regular commenter on Weddingbee (what can I say, it’s one of *my* most enjoyable hobbies), and I want to tear my hair out at some of the advice being given by some women and the things some of them say about men. These comments are based in a fantasy world where men are simply hairy women. There is no attempt to understand the way real men actually are. It’s so damaging, in my opinion.

  3. 3
    Ames

    Yes, it’s disrespectful and childish. Yes it’s normal even if I find it odd for men to lust and pine after women they’ll never meet. Should it develop into talking to real women that he knows or has access to, that’s a real threat. I’m curious if he would feel threatened if you browsed pics of fit handsome men or waxed upon other men’s attractiveness. If he’s smart he’ll be private about the ogling.

  4. 4
    Michelle Williams

    My fiance follows a few fitness models (he likes strong, muscular butts and he cannot lie!) and occasionally shares his favorites with me. Then again, he’s my fiance, so I’m pretty sure he’s coming home to my slightly less muscular butt every night 😀

  5. 5
    Anonymous

    My friend and I have both had issues with our (now ex) boyfriends doing this, and my opinion is that yes, it’s normal for guys to look at pics of sexy women. However, if they are following them on instagram or Facebook (as these guys were) we can see that. And it makes us feel bad, and they know that, so why do they have to do it? They could easily look at pics like this – as we all know they are all over the internet – than to have it be displayed publicly. Personally, I found it more upsetting to be able to see exactly which girls my bf was looking at on a daily basis, not to mention having his “likes” show up to remind me.

    1. 5.1
      Emily, to

      Anonymous,
      “However, if they are following them on instagram or Facebook (as these guys were) we can see that. And it makes us feel bad, and they know that, so why do they have to do it? They could easily look at pics like this – as we all know they are all over the internet – than to have it be displayed publicly. Personally, I found it more upsetting to be able to see exactly which girls my bf was looking at on a daily basis, not to mention having his “likes” show up to remind me.”

      I was going to post something similar. I wouldn’t care if he was looking at the pics but I don’t really need to know by the fact that he’s following them. Seems a common courtesy not to do that.

  6. 6
    Melissa

    I’m not sure how old this thread is, but I think her statement that her boyfriend has her send him sexy photos might be read incorrectly from what she meant… I initially read it to be more like, “why does he need to see those pictures when he has ME, and I do send him sexy pictures sometimes…” not that he is forcing her to send pictures…
    I think a quick reading of the question lead to a questionable assumption… my 2 cents…

  7. 7
    Ames

    It’s embarassing as a woman for your man to be fawning over real life women he knows on Facebook or Instagram. Excessive likes or comments make him seem desperate. My boyfriend is 5’4”…imagine I commented and liked photos of taller men repeatedly or told them how hot it was they were tall or jacked. Yeah yuck. It’s just as gross when women do it.

  8. 8
    Adrian

    Hi Evan,

    Thanks so much for this!

    I am embarrassed to admit this publicly but I to was feeling ashamed at being the type of man who looks at hot women. When you always hear that a good boyfriend or a good husband wouldn’t care about looks or you are shallow for desiring sex appeal; you start to feel like you are not a good guy and that you are an unworthy partner for woman.

    Thanks again for this, that shiney rainbow analogy was an eye opening moment for me understanding myself better. And you are right, after the looks attract me then my focus is on character and compatibility.

    1. 8.1
      SparklingEmerald

      Hi Adrian “I am embarrassed to admit this publicly but I to was feeling ashamed at being the type of man who looks at hot women. When you always hear that a good boyfriend or a good husband wouldn’t care about looks or you are shallow for desiring sex appeal; you start to feel like you are not a good guy and that you are an unworthy partner for woman.”

      You need to find a new set of friends if they are always telling you that you are shallow for noticing hot women or wanting to find a potential partner sexy. Of course sex appeal is PART of a relationship. Who told you that you are unworthy of a woman because you “care” about looks and sex appeal ? A few commenters on this blog ? How many commenters hold an opposite opinion ? Who expects you, as a man, to partner up with a woman for whom you find nothing sexy and appealing about her ? Yes, it IS shallow to care ONLY about sex appeal and nothing else, but to eliminate that from the equation is just plain nuts. Attraction and compatibility are BOTH important, it’s not just one or the other. Who

    2. 8.2
      Emily, to

      Adrian,

      “I am embarrassed to admit this publicly but I to was feeling ashamed at being the type of man who looks at hot women. When you always hear that a good boyfriend or a good husband wouldn’t care about looks or you are shallow for desiring sex appeal; you start to feel like you are not a good guy and that you are an unworthy partner for woman.”
      No one has ever said you can’t appreciate hot women, Adrian. But if you’re out with your girlfriend and two hot women pass by, yeah, notice them, it’s human. Just don’t crane your neck or make it obvious you’re staring. Can’t you see the difference? I have a friend who talks a lot about how her husband gawks at other women. It really hurts her feelings and makes her feel lesser than.

    3. 8.3
      Adrian

      Hi Emily and SparklingEmerald,

      I want to word this carefully because I don’t want to portray men as victims. Instead I’ll just say that “perhaps” if you’ve never walked a mile in a man’s shoes it will be somewhat hard to understand what I am saying; especially those of use who love and respect our sisters, mothers, and female friends. We try to take their grievances and concerns about what they see as negative about men to heart.

      If you want I could go into more detail but I think you two are regular enough commenters on here to know that by doing so I will most likely open up a can of worms and an invitation for those who will try to make men into victims or who will try to blame women or feminism, or a who has it worse in dating debate.

      When ALL I was trying to do was thank Evan for public writing this wonderful post and taking the stance that a man can be good and still do things women find disgusting, disrespectful, etc before his predominately female audience!

      If either of you signed up for his email updates about new comments like I have than you will know that the post “what do men get out of looking at other women” still to this day receives a LOT of personal attacks and angry comments aimed at Evan.

      Yet Evan said it again on this post, putting his integrity over his desire to make money.

  9. 9
    Adrian

    First let me say that I “personally” don’t follow or send friend request to models, celebrities, or random hot women online because I see no benefit in lusting after someone I will probably never meet.

    I can’t speak for married men or men in relationships but I know that as a single men when I purposely click on pictures of beautiful and sexy women it’s so that I can get a mental image of what physical attributes I’m looking for in a woman so that I can be on the lookout for someone similar if she crosses my path (of course then the next stage is figuring out what do I need to have within myself to attract the type of woman I want, but that’s another topic).

    Also I’m wondering how much of the looking is caused by men seeing a photo of what they rarely see in their day-to-day offline reality?

    For example I go to the gym but most men and women inside and the gym aren’t really fit; even though they are at the gym several times a week. People outside the gym (at least in my city) are even worse. Overweight, out of shape, and dress very bland (though they always have their hair done and their makeup on).

    So when I do see a woman with a great face & body online I do take notice because for me it’s rare to see that offline. If I did have a woman like that then I really don’t see myself searching online for what I already have … Like I said I can’t speak for all men, these are just my reasons, but I doubt I’m the only one.

    1. 9.1
      Emily, to

      Adrian,
      “So when I do see a woman with a great face & body online I do take notice because for me it’s rare to see that offline. If I did have a woman like that then I really don’t see myself searching online for what I already have.”
      That is exactly what every friend I’ve ever had has said about her husband. If only he looked like one of the Hemsworth brothers, she’d never notice another man again.

      1. 9.1.1
        Adrian

        Hi Emily,

        I was talking about actively searching while in a relationship. I was not talking about not noticing. Is that what your friends meant or did they mean not noticing another guy period?

        To me it’s like being in a art museum, you see a beautiful piece of art but without the emotional connection it’s just a hollow piece of beauty.
        … … …

        Here is a personal question about women: Why don’t women want sexy male model calendars, male beauty pageants, or male Instagram models?

        I know they exist but because women don’t “seriously” seek them out, there is no real money in those male sex appeal type industries.

        Like women won’t pay $5 for a playgirl magazine filled with sexy men but they will pay $500 to meet a celebrity who doesn’t look that attractive… I don’t get it.

        I was just reading the other day that female Instagram models can make a lot of money but male Instagram models barely make any money.

        So is it true that women don’t really care about looks and sex appeal as much as they care about status and wealth?

        1. Emily, to

          Adrian,
          “I was talking about actively searching while in a relationship. I was not talking about not noticing. Is that what your friends meant or did they mean not noticing another guy period?”
          Adrian, my friend, I was being sarcastic. I thought that was obvious. No woman has ever said that. You wrote as if the reason a man would gawk at other women is if he wasn’t with a 10, which is ridiculous because most men aren’t with 10s and most men aren’t 10s themselves.

          “Here is a personal question about women: Why don’t women want sexy male model calendars, male beauty pageants, or male Instagram models?”
          They aren’t shallow. 🙂

          “Like women won’t pay $5 for a playgirl magazine filled with sexy men but they will pay $500 to meet a celebrity who doesn’t look that attractive… I don’t get it.”
          And I don’t get why you don’t get it. Some random Instagram model is just that … some random hot person. So what. There are a lot of hot people out there. Women are turned on by the whole package. A male celebrity shows the whole package … looks (usually but not always), talent, charisma, personality. I don’t get that what your side sees as hot is so one-dimensional. I don’t get why your side doesn’t need more.

        2. Marika

          Adrian

          I personally don’t care about status or wealth. It turns me off, actually, as snobs are the worst.

          I care about sense of humour, cheekiness etc. Which you won’t see in a magazine. But a fun, cute, hot, or even just lovable male actor / comic – I’m all over that.

          I was dragged once to Wild Boys Afloat for a hen’s party. I wasn’t looking forward to it, but they get you in with their charm (and alcohol!). Could NEVER be turned on by the blank face stares or even abject depression in say a titty bar in Bangkok. Or a boring looking up themselves Insta-model.

          But, of course I don’t speak for all women 🙂

        3. SparklingEmerald

          Hi Adrian “Like women won’t pay $5 for a playgirl magazine filled with sexy men but they will pay $500 to meet a celebrity who doesn’t look that attractive… I don’t get it. ” Who are “they” ? A handful of wealthy women at a charity auction or the vast majority of women ?

          “I was just reading the other day that female Instagram models can make a lot of money but male Instagram models barely make any money.

          So is it true that women don’t really care about looks and sex appeal as much as they care about status and wealth? ” This is a false dichotomy. Marika hit the nail on the head with her response, and I have nothing more to add to it.

        4. Nissa

          Adrian,
          I know what you mean about seeing beauty is like being at an art museum, that is how I see it too. It’s funny, but I see drag queens like that too. They are not always beautiful, but the transformation is amazing, and I always admire the skill it takes to do so. For me, I can admire the beauty without it being sexual – I think it’s harder for men to separate the two.

          IMO, it has to do with beauty being either sexually attractive (which is more of a priority and interest for men) and how it makes men FEEL. Proximity to beauty can make a man feel like it is intended for him – to attract him, that he is important because this beauty is being directed towards him, that is designed to stimulate him (even when that’s not true). This would tend to make the beauty feel more personal, like it exists for him, it is available to him, for his pleasure and his needs. Of course, I’m not a man and I’m sure not every man sees it this way. But as I watch men looking at beauty, it seems to be their experience. It makes sense to me that men would then use this beauty to fulfill them for non sexual needs as well – to feel connected, important, desired, respected, admired, capable in the world, validated. Women (in general) do a better job of getting those needs met in other ways, such as friendships, family and non romantic relationships.

          Contrast that to how a woman feels in the presence of beauty. Many woman immediately compare themselves to that beauty. If they feel any lack about themselves, it is highlighted, which does not feel good. Therefore, they either would feel badly about themselves or more inclined to experience that beauty impersonally. (Tangent – I wonder how lesbians experience this)? That’s why women are not inclined to buy the playgirl. The drive to do so comes from trying to fulfill needs, that women are able to meet in other ways, so their overall need is lower. Add to that sex as a lower priority, and you have your answer. Whereas if a woman meets a man in person, and he is physically close, gazing directly at her, it WILL seem personal, available and stimulate availability of HER priority – relationship, safety, feeling heard and understood. I would guess that looking at beauty does not make most women feel any of those things. Status and wealth would have a greater probability of providing those things and would thus be more valued. That said, I would guess most women don’t need “wealth” as much as they need someone who doesn’t decrease their existing income. It’s a much lower bar.

          Additionally, presentation has a GREAT deal to do with it. Women in general are putting more effort into their presentation, so the variance between those who do and those who do not is greater.

        5. Noone45

          If any of this is true then Male revues would not exist. Male models on insta are prevalent, some make go0d money. Calendars? You’ve never seen firefighter calendars? Hell, there’s a modeling group purely devoted to ripped men who are on romance novel covers. (I used to edit erotic romances, to my undying shame)

    2. 9.2
      Marika

      I know this is slightly off topic, Adrian, but I’m really surprised! I see good looking, well dressed people everywhere when I’m out and about. I was at the gym the other day and between all the yoga pants and iron-pumping, it made me feel like I was in a porno!

      Where do you live (if you don’t mind me asking?). This time of year, shouldn’t it be all flowy, strappy sun dresses?

      1. 9.2.1
        Emily, to

        Marika and Adrian,
        “Adrian, but I’m really surprised! I see good looking, well dressed people everywhere when I’m out and about. ”
        Yeah, me, too. I’m seeing hotties everywhere. Of course, they’re all of about 20 years old, but that’s another topic. 🙂
        If you aren’t seeing hotties everywhere, you’re either not getting out or are too picky.

        1. Lynx

          I wonder if the perception of the general public’s attractiveness has an age component? The older I get, the more attractive I find everyone to be. I’m so much less judgmental than I was when I was younger.

        2. Emily, to

          Lynx,
          I wonder if the perception of the general public’s attractiveness has an age component?
          I’m still struggling with the idea that beauty is all about youth and physical perfection, both of which have been drummed into my head by American culture. I look at older French actresses — Catherine Deneuve, Isabelle Adjani — and think they still look glamorous and sexy (without trying to look 25. No duck lips, no mounds of Botox so their faces looks odd). But do American men agree? And I’m talking about the way they look now. Not 20 years ago, But of course the French revere older women.

        3. Buck25

          Emily and Lynx,
          Of course our perception of what’s attractive changes as we get older! I think that’s true of both genders. Part of that is individual, of course; some women (and men) simply age better than others. There are some women (I’ve actually know a few), who are quite attractive well into their sixties, and beyond, and yes, Emily, despite our youth-worshipping culture, some American men, especially as we get older ourselves, find them quite appealing. That’s actually not new; a couple hundred years ago, Ben Franklin wrote a piece, “In Praise of Older Women”, in which he extolled their virtues as compared to the younger set.

          Let me give you an example from the non-celebrity world. I have a woman friend who will turn 80 this year. She takes care of herself, is quite active, and is, visually speaking, quite a bit more attractive than many women 10 or even 20 years younger. If she’s had any “work” done, it’s very subtle. She dresses quite well, and if she doesn’t “act her age” (and she doesn’t) she doesn’t try to look 40, either. I’d describe her appearance as elegant, mature but not stuffy or frumpy at all. Still has a vivacious personality, still quite sexy, and is quite a charming dinner companion, too. Not a romantic possibility for me(some compatibility issues in that respect), but a delightful and lovely friend all the same.

        4. Emily, to

          Hi Buck,
          That’s why I mentioned the French actresses. They somehow manage to still look sexy and mysterious (a quality few American actresses have; American sexuality is so in your face) and elegant. But I’m a woman so I don’t know how men respond to them. I’m just worried that my time is the sun is ending and it is scaring the shit out of me. A big reason is I wasted so much of it on morons. My fault.

        5. Nissa

          Emily to,
          Beauty is always there to be found. There are many older women that most men would still love to encounter, such as Jeanne Tripplehorn, Sela Ward, Lynda Carter, Cristie Brinkley…I can think of many more lovely ladies.

          For both sexes, confidence and inner light makes all the difference.

  10. 10
    Marika

    I agree, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on here. Adrian is in his 30s, Emily her 40s, not a massive difference in what they’d find attractive, I don’t imagine.

    It seems like Adrian may live in Ugly Town USA, like Emmooooo lives (/lived?) in Boring Town USA.

    In which case, both move to Sydney, I’ll take you out dancing and hook you up with some hotties. I even live near a fire station! 😉

    1. 10.1
      Emily, to

      Marika,
      “It seems like Adrian may live in Ugly Town USA, like Emmooooo lives (/lived?) in Boring Town USA.”
      I have a feeling Adrian is really picky. (Correct me if I’m wrong, Mr. A.)
      Yes, just moved. I saw another hottie today. In the grocery store. Again, all of about 20, and I’m not even in to young guys. But Marika, I could have slammed into him buck naked, I don’t think he would have noticed.

      1. 10.1.1
        Buck25

        “I’m just worried that my time in the sun is ending, and it is scaring the shit out of me.”

        Emily,
        No, it’s not! Why, you’re in the summer of your life, and don’t let this youth-obsessed culture make you believe otherwise! Now, your last move may not have worked out the way you hoped, but you’re in a new place; give it a chance. Never mind the young guys and women; of course they’re at their physical peak, but so what? Most of them are still learning to be adult men and women. You are already there.

        You know the last time I was single before this, I was 44 years old. My marriage to a much younger woman had ended; she grew up and when she got past 30 she no longer wanted me. When I started dating again, I passed on the younger women, and started dating women in my own age group. I could have dated younger; I chose not to. Not all men in your age group want younger women, not for a relationship. I actually would not date women under 40 back then, simply because they mostly weren’t mature enough. There are still men, good men, in your approximate age group, who would see you as a prize, not a has been. You might even find one you’re attracted to. You wouldn’t be the first, or the last.

        From what I know from our conversations here, you bring a lot to the table. Not every man will see this, but some will; count on it! Don’t be afraid. If you are not the woman you were, you are the woman you are, and are becoming. Embrace that woman, be the best of what you can be, and will become. It’s not the end of the road, just a passage to a new phase of life. Almost all of us, men and women alike, have regrets about our past, both the roads we took, and the ones we didn’t. We can’t go back and change any of it; we can only learn, and go on, hopefully wiser, more mature people than we were before.

        There’s no age limit on love, nor even on sexuality and attraction; why, people find that at my age and beyond. Even I might, one day, and I am far, far older than you. Don’t give in to fear and doubt. We all have to age, but we don’t have to give up. I haven’t, and most women in their fifties and sixties don’t even notice me anymore. It will be alright, and I believe it will be so for you as well.

        1. Emily, to

          Buck25,
          First of all, it’s good to have you back on the blog. And you’re sweet to be so encouraging.

          “Never mind the young guys and women; of course they’re at their physical peak, but so what?”
          But just a few years ago I would have been able to get that young man’s attention. But it is what it is.
          “It’s not the end of the road, just a passage to a new phase of life.”
          But the thing is … I don’t want to enter a new phase. It feels like I took a wrong turn and wound up in some creepy part of the county where they filmed “Deliverance.” I can almost hear the banjos playing. 🙂 It ‘s just another example of how little control we have over our own lives. You know what choices I got to make this morning? What drawers to put on. Free will, baby! 🙂 But I’ll quit whining, put my big girl panties on (which I will probably wear from this point forward because .. what’s the point? ) and suck it up.

    2. 10.2
      Lynx

      Marika: you had me LOLing at “Ugly Town USA”

      Emily: in regard to “I’m just worried that my time in the sun is ending”, you’ve heard that old joke about the two guys running from a lion, right? One pauses to put on his running shoes and his companion says, “Why waste time with that? You’ll never run faster than the lion.” The first guy replies, “I don’t need to outrun the lion, I only need to outrun you!”

      That’s what I’m finding in my 50s. In my area, in my age range, I am probably in the top 10%. Sounds like bragging, but it’s not, because I’m not that special genetically, I’ve just chosen to control what I can. It’s all obvious stuff: exercise and clean food, diligence with sunscreen, talented hair stylist, and a wardrobe that’s current without being trendy or too young.

      All stuff anyone can do, it’s just that most people – both men and women – don’t (apparently, this is especially true in Adrian’s city). I’ve repeatedly heard the same remark from various practitioners: “You’re not giving up.”

      If you don’t give up, you’ll probably find it’s not as bad as you might think.

      1. 10.2.1
        Emily, to

        Hi Lynx,

        “If you don’t give up, you’ll probably find it’s not as bad as you might think.”
        I just don’t feel that good about the way I look anymore. I’m not a supermodel but I never had a problem attracting attention. But I can of late feel myself moving into invisibility.

        1. Lynx

          Ah, okay, ET, I see your angle. Have you been a flirtatious type? (Not in a skeevy way, just as in being a fun, friendly, flirty person.) If you haven’t been watching the series, “Fleabag”, then start. In addition to being generally brilliant, there is a fantastic scene in season 2 with the 50-something actress Kristin Scott Thomas where she touches on aging.

          “I just don’t feel good about the way I look anymore”: that may be why I’ve become so into working out. As exercises get easier, as you build muscle and gain flexibility, you feel better in your body. For sure, it’s not the same feeling as being hit on by a hot guy, but it still feels good.

        2. Emily, to

          Lynx,
          ““Fleabag”, then start. In addition to being generally brilliant, there is a fantastic scene in season 2 with the 50-something actress Kristin Scott Thomas where she touches on aging.“I just don’t feel good about the way I look anymore””
          I saw that. I’ve always liked KST. Terrific actress.

          ” that may be why I’ve become so into working out. As exercises get easier, as you build muscle and gain flexibility, you feel better in your body.”
          Exercise and diet are huge but you cannot completely erase the signs of aging.
          If this isn’t a bitch slap from the Universe, I saw 2 beefy beauhunks today. I never 2 in 1 day. Hell, not even 2 in 1 week. 🙂

        3. S.

          @Emily ain’t nothing better than the original

          Maybe Emily, it’s like what you say about men and confidence? I’m enjoying aging, but I’ve always looked young so people don’t know it yet. I’m annoyed at one gray hair right at my forehead but other than that I like getting older. I like being wiser, slowly down, respecting this body that’s gotten me so far.

          I’ve never been everyone’s cuppa tea even youthful as I looked (or was). In fact, looking younger wasn’t great because I felt people were so bossy and wanted to tell me what to do. And quickly found it doesn’t work that way. Now, I want to date men in their 50s but they still dismiss me because they think I’m a millennial. (Or they just want a fling which I’m not into.)

          I wouldn’t trade the confidence in who I am at this age for anything. I enjoyed having a young body but I’m really glad for the nearing 50s mind.

          Someone will find that sexy someday. 😉 Someone the right age. I think it’s good to be in the right place in my head before meeting someone.

        4. Lynx

          Emily, to: “If this isn’t a bitch slap from the Universe, I saw 2 beefy beauhunks today.”

          (1) Maybe it will be easier if you room with Adrian in Ugly Town, USA. You won’t feel so tortured

          (2) Your phrase, “beefy beauhunks” made my morning. My goal for this weekend is to go beauhunk spotting in the wild, for the sake of scientific research.

        5. Emily, to

          Lynx,
          “My goal for this weekend is to go beauhunk spotting in the wild, for the sake of scientific research.”
          Don’t wish for that. They only come out of the woodwork once you turn 105, like me. And they’re all of about 25 themselves. Saw another one today. My cashier at the drug store. I joked and flirted because — why not? Why not become one of those people who flirts with the age-inappropriate?

  11. 11
    Mike

    Emily:

    Aging happens to all of us. I happen to think that a woman our age–I am in my 40s too–who takes care of herself and who has some lines on her face is quite sexy.

    I must admit though, from reading your posts on here, you do seem unique on here, in that you seem to stick really, really tight to your dating style–i.e., go by chemistry first and foremost to the point of ignoring red flags. I am thinking of our debates on other threads on here. Is it really working for you, or would you be willing to reconsider trying something else?

  12. 12
    Don't be that guy

    “For most of us, looking at women is like looking at a rainbow or a bright orange Lamborghini. They’re all head-turners in our book. Telling us to not turn our heads is a good exercise in teaching men to respect women – but it does go against our very nature.”

    Let;s not be naive here: men don’t look at women the same way we look at cars or other objects. And our cars are not going to be hurt or humiliated when their owners are “that guy” whose head swivels at the sight of every hot car that drives by.

    The general thought is that men are the ones who are in pursuit of a mate. So we are on the hunt. So we look. The process of looking, lusting, and leering is a behavior that we develop. It’s also a behavior that we can undevelop with a bit of time and effort. And we undevelop it because we care for the mates that we’ve chosen and we care about their feelings. Those behaviors include following boobs and butts on your cell phone and following boobs and butts in public. We undevelop these behaviors because that will help us nurture the loving relationships that we’re supposed to be developing. We do it so we can mature in a healthy way and not be those gross 50-60 year old men who still leer at college girls. We undevelop those behaviors because we have DIGNITY. We undevelop them because our mates have dignity and they don’t need to be seen with men who are “following their natures” by staring at other women, whether they’re with us or not. Our women don’t need to have mutual acquaintances see their men as THOSE MEN who stare at other women when they’re not around..

    1. 12.1
      Emily, to

      Ogle all you want to. Lust all you want to. Just don’t make it obvious if you’re with your partner. I just went to do some paperwork for my new job. The HR guy’s ass looked like it had been carved in stone. I asked for extra copies of stuff just so he’d have to get up and turn around in front of me again. But I was so blandly, asexually professional, he had no idea. Can’t men do that?

      1. 12.1.1
        Buck25

        Emily,
        “Can’t men do that?”

        I doubt it; subtlety is not a common characteristic in men, for better or worse. Perhaps that’s why we find it alternately charming and maddening in women. On balance, we’re simply more direct (you might call it blatant) in everything from our communication style, to the way we flirt…and yes, the way we look at anything that catches our eye, than most women are. Part nature and part nurture, I suspect.

        1. Emily, to

          Buck25,
          “On balance, we’re simply more direct (you might call it blatant) in everything from our communication style, to the way we flirt…and yes, the way we look at anything that catches our eye, than most women are. Part nature and part nurture, I suspect.”
          Actually, I know a lot of men who aren’t blatant at all about flirting. They do the “here’s my number, call me if you want to hang out” technique. But you have to tone the down the gawking. It’s completely obnoxious to crane your neck when you’re out with your woman. On a very basic and primal level, how do you expect her to want to have sex with you if you are gawking at other women in front of her? It’s just common sense and creature survival on your part not to do it. I’d shut down the factory if some guy I was dating did that in front of me. And on another level, how would you like it if she was gawking at men in front of you? What if all the guys she gawked at were 25 years old? It would make you feel bad, wouldn’t it?

        2. Marika

          Part nature and part nurture for a lot of women to feel hurt when a man cranes his neck to gawk at another woman (especially if she looks nothing like you).

          Maybe a truce: perhaps guys can be a little more subtle and we can be a little less sensitive. Otherwise we go around and around forever. Just please know that many women don’t appreciate it, so maybe wait until you’re with your mates, or be a little less obvious. If you want to be considerate.

        3. Emily, to

          Marika,
          “Just please know that many women don’t appreciate it, so maybe wait until you’re with your mates, or be a little less obvious. If you want to be considerate.”
          We’re talking about grown men who are over the age of 15 and are more than capable of being considerate and not craning their necks, turning around or eyeing another woman up and down when they are out with their partners. If they want to. If they value their partners. It’s a choice. But if they are out by themselves or with their buddies, have at it. They can cruise women all they want to.

      2. 12.1.2
        Don't be that guy

        “Just don’t make it obvious if you’re with your partner.”

        I note that you still do it if you’re with your partner. That’s nice. But I was talking about how to mature and nurture a relationship, so feel free to ignore my post.

        “ut I was so blandly, asexually professional, he had no idea.”

        So you’re manipulative and wasteful at your new job.

        “Can’t men do that?”

        If you didn’t understand the aim of my post, don’t expect me to spoonfeed it to you.

        1. Emily, to

          Don’t be that guy,
          “feel free to ignore my post.”
          Fine with me.

  13. 13
    Mike

    Well, a big part of being in a romantic relationship is RESPECT. You don’t cheat on your partner but you also don’t give the appearance of cheating on your partner, and you also don’t give the appearance of wanting to be with someone else besides your partner!

    I mean practically everyone heterosexual–including one who would never cheat–notices attractive members of the opposite sex. I get that. I don’t think I would like to be overhearing my (hypothetical at this point) girlfriend talking about how wonderful the new guy is at work though, even if no real boundaries were crossed, even if really he was just in town for a couple days and then it is back to his home office halfway around the world. I wouldn’t want to be hearing that my girlfriend looking at another guy that way even if nothing is going to happen.

    To add to my point, I am SINGLE and I don’t follow Instagram hotties. It feels sort of loserish to me frankly. I am not going to be a woman’s fan just because she is ‘hawt’.

  14. 14
    Stacy

    I could care less if my man follows Instagram models. I can care less if he looks at other women when he is out with his friends. I can care less if he casually glances at an attractive woman even if he is with me (as long as he doesn’t oogle or stare). Why? Because it is in our nature to look at what is beautiful – has absolutely nothing to do with his feelings for me. Plus, he would be a damn fool to leave me for someone else no matter what they look like (based on the history we now have). And even if an Instagram model could pull him from me, then she did me a favor so it’s a win win.

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