Why Would a Guy Make Out With Me and Never Call Again?

Dear Evan,

I am in my upper 20’s and have been single for about 4 years now. I have been so down lately because I am one of the only single girls of all my friends and am frustrated because I haven ‘ t been able to find a decent guy that actually interests me, that I’m attracted to, and that is actually interested in me back.

Until, one day, at a friend’s going away party, I met this attractive, funny and interesting guy. Long story short, he was clearly into me. He was very forward with his attraction to me and ended up kissing me on the dance floor. We then drove back to my friend’ s house where the party continued and he sat next to me, put his hand on my knee and would act like we were “together.” This is after several kissing sessions on the ride over there. Then, when it came time for me to leave, he gives me a long passionate kiss goodbye and asks if he can see me the next day. I had plans that day but told him to call me and gave him my number. Not surprised, I didn’t hear from him the next day.

However, he text messages me on the following night and said that he had a really good time and hopes we can get together again. The next afternoon, I texted him back and said I had a good time too, and to call me so we can get together again. He texted back and said he would be out of town until June 1, then “we should make plans.” I said “sounds good, looking forward to it,” and he responds, “Me too.”

It is now almost 3 weeks later…and I never heard from him. Did he just lose all interest? Should I try to contact him, and maybe invite him to a party that my friend is throwing next weekend to see if he ‘ s interested? I don’t get it. Why all the touchy-feely flirting and kissing, if you’re just not going to follow up or call? It’s just disappointing because he was the first guy in over 3 years that actually sparked my interest. It’s hard meeting people sometimes. So, I was hoping for a bit more this time around…

Any thoughts?

Alejandra

Tons of thoughts, Alejandra. Thanks for sharing.

Instead of riffing and going on tangents like I tend to do, I’ll just tackle your questions one by one:

Did he just lose all interest?

Yes, but not because of anything you did. He probably never had real interest. Or he had interest but it waned like a five-year-old who gives up on a new toy after a week. Or he had someone else in his life who already had his attention. All you know is this: he hasn’t called in three weeks, he’s not interested enough. Move on.

Should I try to contact him and maybe invite him to a party that my friend is throwing next weekend to see if he’s interested?

You can, but I wouldn’t if I were you. Even if he shows up, he’s already proven to be either a) flaky or b) disinterested. So what can you possibly gain? What if he shows up again and you hook up at the end of the night? Now you’re in the same position as you were before – waiting for this guy to call you, and having no real sense of whether he will. That doesn’t sound like too much fun, does it?

I guess the best case scenario would be if you showed up like Olivia Newton-John at the end of Grease, all leather pants, attitude and hairspray. And when he shows up, you blow him away with your newfound sass and fly off into the sunset in his car. But this happens rarely. Maybe two or three times a year. So let’s put it on hold.

I’d say you should use your friend’s party to meet a new guy – a better guy. Because if you invited this dude to your friend’s place, you know what he’d see the party as? A chance to meet another girl – one not named Alejandra. And presuming he doesn’t find someone else, I’m sure he’d be glad to kiss you at the end of the night. It’s good to have a safety girl around.

Which brings us to……

Why all the touchy-feely flirting and kissing, if you’re just not going to follow up or call?

That’s the big question, the baffling question, the one that drives women mad. I wrote about it extensively in Why You’re Still Single and think that the lesson remains the same:

Kissing, flirting, groping, oral sex, tender romantic intercourse… doesn’t necessarily mean a thing to many men.

It’s just something that they do when they’re in the moment.

He’s out with you, he senses you’re into him, you’ve both had a few drinks, the attraction sparks are flying… why not make a move?

Doesn’t mean he likes you.

Doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you, either.

It literally means NOTHING.

To him, it’s just good, clean, adult fun.

What’s worse is this – he doesn’t spend much time thinking about the fact that you might have actual FEELINGS invested in him. He just thinks, “Wow, that was fun. Now let’s look for someone else.”

This doesn’t mean he’s a jerk, although he may be. It just means that you and he assigned different meanings to a night of kissing. Some people assign different meanings to sex, some assign different meanings to a one-year relationship. All we know is that people have different agendas. And you should never be too surprised when you learn that a guy’s agenda is different than yours.

If you can’t deal with the ups and downs of being crushed when a cute guy kisses you and doesn’t call, you should probably not kiss any more cute guys. But rather than that, I’d just open my eyes to the fact that people come and go, and 99% of first dates do NOT result in marriage.

And if that’s the case, try not to beat yourself up when it proves to be true in your love life as well.

I feel for you and hope that you get over this guy fast. The RIGHT guy will most DEFINITELY call you the next day.

7
2

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Damie

    Very good points. And on the same note, don’t make out with a guy thinking that it’s going to make him like you more. Of COURSE he’s going to play all nicey nicey… he has an agenda. And oftentimes if the agenda falls through, the guy moves on. Just take it as a good thing that you learned this right away instead of later when you invested more of yourself, physically and emotionally. I make up silly nicknames for guys that screw me around like this one. It’s juvenile, yes, petty, perhaps… but it makes me feel better. :)

  2. 2
    JimmyE

    If you’ve only met one guy in three years who sparked your interest then you’re either

    a) too picky
    b) not meeting enough guys
    c) a combination of the above

    make the effort to meet more single men, and don’t dismiss so many of them in the early stages of dating. if you date more, it’ll be a lot easier to be stoical about first dates that don’t lead to anything more.

  3. 3
    Ceilisundancer

    If this is the only guy in 3 years who has sparked this level of interest, what is there to lose by contacting him ONCE? It IS possible that he lost the number, or at this point, he’s embarrassed as it’s been a month and he got busy or not super interested, but now he’d like to talk with you but has no solid excuse, so doesn’t. I’ve had guy friends who have lost numbers (cell phone got wet), actually (not dating me, but excited about someone else he’d dated). But, I emphasized once for all those reasons the blogger noted. Life’s short and so are some people’s attention spans (especially in the 20’s for some). Nothing personal. Enjoy the memory.

  4. 4
    Natalie

    You should never expect a relationship from a guy you just casually hook up with. A lot of guys that hook up with girls are just looking for one thing, especially in the bar scene, although I realize you were at a party. Next time you want to meet a quality guy, drink less and don’t make out with him right away. Then you can let a guy get you know you and see if he is interested in more than a make out session. If you continue to be disappointed in men and act the same way, nothing is going to change. Also, as I have gotten older, I start looking at things this way: Why can’t you take it for what it was? You had a fun night with the guy. It was a perfect one night relationship. It began and ended in one night. I don’t understand why it always has to be something more. Sure it’s disappointing when they don’t call, but it wasn’t meant to be and it’s his loss, right! You had fun with the guy, so be grateful for that night and move on to someone who appreciates you.

    1. 4.1
      Kat

      This is a horrible reply. Be thankful of the memory? I think I would have regret and wished I never met the guy in the first place.

  5. 5
    mrs. vee

    well said, all of the above. I don’t have much more to add except to stress the important fact that men are just wired this way. don’t hold it against them that they’re just plain good at separating physical intimacy from romantic emotions. the sooner you can accept this fact WITHOUT RESENTMENT, the sooner you’ll be ready for the real thing. because even if you land mr. right, you will still have to contend with his “wiring” til death do you part. that’s not to endorse a man in a commited relationship openly flirting with other women or having affairs. i merely mean that his “wiring” is gonna express itself in subtle ways – like sidelong glances at women or ogling the lingerie section of the jc penney newspaper insert – because it’s in his nature. on the plus side, the same sad fact that this one guy could kiss you without real feelings is going to work in your favor one day when it’s your husband checking out a pretty girl, but all the while it’d never even cross his mind to leave you for her.

  6. 6
    KARL

    FUCK YES, NATALIE!

  7. 7
    Jessbear

    Ladies don’t always gain much from doing the chasing, but guys don’t either. If you’re looking for a real, long-term commitment you’re best to not be too assertive because then you’ll be disappointed. Otherwise, you need to realise you’re still so young and it’s still just absolutely fine to live for the moment. Some guys I look at I can’t tell how they are willing to degrade themselves so much just for a little fun. Don’t take pity, but, you must realise you’re no better or less worth being satisfied than is he.

  8. 8
    JLH

    This was probably one of the most insightful discussions on this topic. My thing is I’m prone hardcore to obsession and adrenaline rushes (love and fantasy addict)—so what happened with me and the most recent, said, wonderful person goes to show, perhaps I am not in a place to grapple with yet another experience like this. However, ironically enough, I thought this would be different. NO, really really different. For one, he isn’t a maniac like everyone else I’ve been into my ENTIRE 30 YEARS ON EARTH. Sure, he’s fun, and free spirited but he’s not as out of control and insane as most of the people I’ve found myself drawn to (granted thats b/c they usually make me look more sane and also b/c right-of-center ppl terrify me).  
    My situation is REALLY confusing but little by little the frustration and disenchantment is wearing off. After two linkings with this person, one being the first that was originally a hanging out with friends, turned to hot dancing making out-breakfast at sunrise-driving me all the way home (not a big deal but sometimes feels like it when its from lower manhattan to the bronx) and a second, another party that we wound up leaving to make out and laugh uproariously and hold hands and feel the energy–then–
    1> I get some texts from him apologizing for not texting me back after the last time we saw each other/texted “goodmorning, have a good one, great time with u” (granted that was AAALLL HIM. I did not thank him for a good time, tell him that he was amazing, or even put my hand on his crotch hahah!) etc. That was a Sunday. I got those texts on a Thursday morning. Then later that Thurs afternoon, a text to hang out when he gets off work (which is always past midnight b/c he’s a cook)—so I,
    2>So as to not succumb to the texting game, I write him a message on facebook with what cool things i’ll be getting into over the weekend (being that he mentioned “if you’re out and about”) and told him to call me for details if he’d like to link up. I kept it simple. Truly. I mentioned that texting was lame and left room for confusion. It’s now the Tuesday of the following week. I guess we’ve known each other for 3 weeks. I know of his ex, and I know that he probably isn’t looking for a relationship, though he said he’s not closed to anything. But it fkn sucks b/c our chemistry was lovely and he’s an amazing human being. I felt I did things right (by not slutting it up and sleeping with him on the first or even second time we were together). He said things and held me in ways that yes, granted, could be seen as “being in the moment” but really, we have mutual friends, this guy’s always had a girlfriend, I don’t think he’s the dude that talks shit about how he feels. However, b/c Im such a love/adrenaline junkie, I bring things out in people and then, it crashes. I thought that b/c he was a bit more balanced and mature things wouldn’t go down that way. I know the dude read his FB message. I know he’d not ill. I know he’s busy but not that busy. Guess it was bad timing. Still feels crappy. Still can’t believe it. I mean, honestly, there’s no special moment he’s waiting for to call. He obviously, simply decided, he didn’t care enough to. Or work is stressful. But so what. 
    3> Again, I know he got the fb message and I know he’s not afraid to call b/c we already spoke on phone after the first linkup, and he even freakin texted me to tell me he loved the convo and how great our time was. It’s absurd the way things have turned out. Even with his “hectic work schedule” something isn’t adding up. I’m convinced he lost interest, is simply not that iNTO ME, AND JUST Doesn’t wanna put the work in. The truth is im disgusted I (and all women) ever care so much what men think in the first place. 
    4>That being said I’m still looking for answers. I hate being one of the drones, and now that I really do want something real (but perhaps am not mentally healthy enough to get there), it’s a reminder that things will be shaky until I get clear (though I coulda sworn I was clear enough here to myself, and to him too). But my dates and my style and my crowd are not traditional. And I guess that puts a dynamic (the dynamic of modern romance) already in a highly confused state into even more of a tailspin. 
    5>Man, I feel dumb. 

  9. 9
    Karl R

    JLH said: (#8)
    “I mentioned that texting was lame”

    If I told you your writing style “was lame,” would you feel welcome coming back here and posting again? Or would you feel self-conscious about writing more?

    Men want girlfriends who are fun. We avoid girlfriends who are critical. (If I want criticism, I can call my mother.)

    If you wanted him him to call instead of text, you could have replied to his text with a text that said, “call me” and your phone number. That would let him know that you wanted a call instead of a text, without being critical.

    (My comments about writing style were hypothetical. I’m not in the habit of criticizing people’s writing unless it’s directly related to their problem … such as their online profile.)

    JLH said: (#8)
    “I write him a message on facebook”

    Did you send him an email through facebook, or did you post it on his wall? I consider dating communications to be private. Posting on the wall is even worse than sending a text (and I agree that texting is a lame way to ask someone out).

    And if you told him texting was lame on his wall, that qualifies as public humiliation. A date / girlfriend / boyfriend who publicly humiliates you is much worse than one who criticizes you. If you want to have a dating life … Don’t. Do. That. Ever. Again.

    JLH said: (#8)
    “and left room for confusion.”

    You were trying to be confusing? Why?

    Dating is sufficiently confusing without people purposely trying to make it more confusing.

  10. 10
    ruledbysun

    I agree with JLH.  I have this electric chemistry with somebody that I’ve known since elementary.  He says he wants to hang out but he’s really busy with work.  A month later I say hey I’ve enjoyed the time I did have.  I really thought he felt the same way.

  11. 11
    meeka

    I disagree with somethings. A guy should not be kissing someone passionately if he ain’t got feelings. U can get diseases from kissing, so that says a lot about how much he cares about not catching anything. Some guys will say everything they think u want to hear just get some. I had a guy pull all the stops, even after I was upfront and told him I’m not about flingin or just screwin away and that if he was to be upfront and just say he wants sex only. He promised me several times with phone calls, text and in person. He cooked for me..ect. Then when I decided to sleep with him, which he enjoyed, he showed his true colors. So I don’t got nothing nice to say about anyone who just screw around and especially lead people on.

  12. 12
    NonExist

    Good case for direct communication on both sides.
    However since his actions already gave the message, Alejandra should just move on.
    Disappearing is a churlish way of showing one lacks interest but he probably did not want to admit to her that he was just in it for the momentary rush.
    At least she did not sleep with him.

    In general if you want to know their motivations just ask.  If they refuse to answer or are vague then that tells you that their interest is probably not as strong as yours.

  13. 13
    kk

    its been 2 days and he havent give me any sign
    i hope there is a possibility he could still appear
    but my instintics says no
    he lives very far away from here
    which makes everything so much worse for me
    i wished he had liked me  lot.. 
    he was so cute, kinda nerdy look with big glasses, and tall
    in a good way, i thought his glasses had personality
    i really liked him
     
     

  14. 14
    TheGoid

    Let me just say, I am the guy being talked about in this post, however the one thing that isn’t true is my thought about her feelings. I’m sitting here on the fence about the whole thing. She’s a great girl and I enjoy spending time with her. I just don’t know if she is the one I am absolutely looking for.
    Some guys are not jerks, some of us make out with you because we enjoy it and feel something as well. Sometimes it takes these moments (kissing) for us to figure out what we actually feel. Hugging, kissing, holding hands, these are all things everyone enjoys doing with a partner and you need to test the field before you know what your feelings mean. I never had a problem with one night stands before, but this girl I don’t think I can have sex with, even though I want to badly, because I don’t want to hurt her in any way. She doesn’t deserve that. I assign different meanings to kissing and sex than she does. She should find someone who has the same moral fiber as her, cause I’m fairly sure I’m too much of a jerk for her. I just wish her eyes weren’t so invested in me. Bottom line ladies, is that sometimes we think about your feelings first. Albeit after the damage is already done.

    1. 14.1
      Destiny

      So you know you’ve hurt her badly and you still give it a good name that you didn’t mean to hurt her, and everything is all because of that she likes you too much and she shouldn’t have been so devoted. So you enjoyed moments with her, hurt her badly, and then took all the credit, leaving her broken and unattended? It’s a shame that you are talking about it here, instead of regretting and thinking what you should do to compensate. If you really think she is a good girl, why cannot you change to fit her? Or you’re just willing to repeat this scenario again and again and wish that all girls you meet in the future are all sluts and it would be their bad luck if they are good girls? 
      Sorry I’m being so critical. I just cannot stand you sitting here taking all credits and didn’t realize what mistakes you’ve made and didn’t even try to compensate. Based on your description, that girl must like you a lot. 

  15. 15
    judy

    The Goid 14 – well at least, your answer was honest.  Testing the field? Delightful.
    So, basically, what you’re saying is, you’re kissing and cuddling and if she had wanted to sleep with you, you would have said yes. 
    And if it didn’t work out, you’d move on.
    Lovely.
    May I wish you a hundred packets of condoms while you make up your mind.
     
     

  16. 16
    JoeK

    Nonexist said:
    “Disappearing is a churlish way of showing one lacks interest”

    I disagree, nothing “churlish” about his behavior at all. They met ONCE, they made out at a party. There was no obligation on either party for anything.

    That’s just life, stuff happens. I can’t remember the number of times in my 20’s that I made out with a girl at a party and never saw her again – with her choosing to not respond as often as I didn’t follow up. I could say her behavior was churlish, or just chalk it up to “she wasn’t that interested after all”.

    Such is life.

  17. 17
    DaveW

    If I may offer a thought: it could be a self-esteem issue. The young man could have enough courage to flirt, maybe even make out, but not actually “close the deal.” That is, move to a more relationship-y state, from the superficial flirty one. If he’s an introvert, it might take every ounce of his personality (alcohol-enhanced, probably) to become the cool dude that women enjoy meeting. Once home (and sober), he realizes he has no idea what he’s doing. While Alejandra might see him as “attractive, funny and interesting,” he might not see himself that way. What’s wrong with her that she would be interested in boring, awkward him? Another encounter will reveal him as the fraud he is, so better to lay low.

    Just a thought. That’s how I was. But he could also just be a “playa”.

  18. 18
    DronePal

    Men are lazy. After once… if they enjoyed the time spent they will want to have it again. But then again… they won’t take too much effort into it unless they are motivated. They believe what they see. If you show up with a bottle of wine, cheese and a movie… He will do it all over again. Two things may happen he gets bored or he will want more of it. It depends on how much drama is involved in it. Men want ZERO.

  19. 19
    Dorota

    Same exact situation happened to me (excuse me as i choose to use bullet points this is because it doesn’t mean anything now and i don’t feel like regurgitating details. i feel drawn to this post regardless and wants to help Alejandra – here goes nada)
    – chemistry chemistry chemistry so much of it the first hang out (too good too be true)
    – kissed me on the head
    – texted that evening saying he had a great time and that we should hang out again
    – didn’t text me for a week
    – busy with school
    – finally planned second hang out – this was difficult because he had work and even my schedule didn’t fit his
    – said he’s really horrible at texting but really wants to see me
    – second hangout: at first i thought i was late to meet him after his shift since i’m so bad with time but what ended up happening- stood me up almost 2 hrs because closing took longer than expected and there was some accident that happened (he texted me pictures)
    – asked to walk me to my car
    – asked to kiss me – i allowed him on the cheek because i did not want to jump into things this fast – i actually valued how cool of a guy he was/seemed to be, if i didn’t i would of just used him for fun (mind you i’m leaving out details like how hi larry us we are together – ahhh)
    – he said something about time and how he doesn’t take time as serious as everyone else does, like he could not see someone for two weeks and be okay with it (weird)
    – i shot him a hilarious text 3 days later – hasn’t responded since. at least i went out with a bang.
    – and i got a new phone in between. we are still connected via social media – its been like a month now. 
    – he’s admitted to me before that he’s an introvert but i still don’t see that as an excuse. you can’t pretend to be interested in someone. you either are or you aren’t (this can be confusing if the person uninterested “feels bad, so they act nice out of pity.” This dude has a lot on his plate right now with school, work and friend (as do i), but still managed to keep up with his instagram. if the dude likes you enough, he would never make you question whether he is or not. when you meet someone and it clicks, that is just lovely. but its the clicking afterwards that still has ta keep going for it to be genuine and not an in the moment clickage type spiel. it is very rare for uninterested guys to be redeemed and placed into that “i’m shy” category.  all i know is you gotta remember the different types of “he’s just not that into you” guys. there’s the asshole, and the nice guy. 
    – he was definitely a nice guy and even though things waned out i still had sososo much fun. just remember that you are awesome! there are people in life that drain you and others who bring out the best possible version of you. choose wisely. don’t let this boy drive you nuts. i know my (i mean this) guy did, but hey. DAS LYF. cuties come and go. some guys don’t have time – i realized i don’t either – i’m 23 and i have so many things going for me. transitional years ftw! 
     
    this post is probably very confusing because i mixed my experience into advice  srrry mah bad – i hope you still get the idea – there is hopeeee
     
    xoxo 

  20. 20
    B

    I’ve made out with guys and been lukewarm towards them. Sometimes you’re just in the moment.
     
    For instance I’ve had first dates that were fine and many times there was a moment and we end up kissing or whatever and then they want to go out again and I was all like, “meh, no thank you”. Sometimes things just happen in the moment.
     
    If a guy wants to see you or date you, then he will make it happen.
     
    My current bf essentially didn’t leave me alone (see the word persistent in the dictionary and you will see his face); I wasn’t even so sure about him to begin with, I liked him but I wasn’t crazy about him. Well, he turned out to be EVERYTHING I ever needed, wanted, and more. I couldn’t be happier (we just looked at rings, YAY!). Just goes to show you that sometimes the people that you least expect turn out to be the perfect person for you! MORAL OF THE STORY – You NEVER need to chase a guy. Give the guy you think isn’t perfect a chance, because he may be perfect for you!

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