Does a Man Always Ask Out a Woman If He’s Interested In Her?
Evan, I have a common problem that you’ve responded to lots of times: I fooled myself into thinking that my friend of 10 years had feelings for me, and when I mustered up the nerve to tell him, I was shot down. I thought I had read the signs right. We talked almost every day, he told me I was hot, he told me that he fantasized about me, and we went traveling together. He never actually made a move on me though. Now that I know my feelings are not returned, I’ve cut him out of my life so that I can move on and find someone who truly does love me. I have to admit though, that this whole experience has left me scarred. I was wondering if you could explain how to avoid a situation like this in the future. Do men always ask out a woman they’re immediately interested in? Does love never grow over time? Does the romantic story of “When Harry Met Sally” really just exist in the movies? —Angelina
Angelina, sweetheart. I’ve never answered this question before, and I’m glad you shared your story with me. It definitely hurts to have a long-time unrequited love and I’d be lying to you if I said that I never experienced the exact same thing.
So believe me when I tell you, everything you’re going through is very common — and, not only that, but this will NEVER ever happen to you again. Okay?
First of all, you have to stop beating yourself up over the outcome of your friendship. Any woman in a similar position would have read all of those signs in the same way. I can’t think of many guys who will tell you you’re attractive and claim to fantasize about you, who aren’t at least somewhat interested in something more than friendship.
Usually, when there’s smoke, there’s fire. In this case, there was not.
C’est la vie.
It definitely hurts to have a long-time unrequited love and I’d be lying to you if I said that I never experienced the exact same thing.
But there are some things that you could have been ignoring the entire time you were with him that led to this crisis. The first thing that I can think of is that he’s not some shy beta male who had a crush on you for ten years and was too embarrassed to make a move.
I’m guessing that maybe 25% of guys are that way. Maybe more, but I don’t know too many men like that. Guys who are the way I was in high school — befriending all the pretty girls in hopes of getting close to them, only to discover that you’re in the friend zone.
But for all the other men out there who got the memo in third grade that if you find someone attractive, you ask her out, the easiest thing to do is simply observe them.
If he asks you out, he’s interested. If he doesn’t, he’s not.
I’m guessing, Angelina, that your guy was in the top 75%. Which meant that if he liked you, at some point over 10 years, he would have let you know it.
So, looking back on your history, was your friend somewhat confident, charismatic, and funny? Did he have any other girlfriends? Any random hookups? Did he tell you about other women and ask you for advice on them?
If so, I could have told you from the beginning that he saw you as just a friend.
Men see women as just friends in four fundamental ways:
1. He’s not attracted to you at all — which makes friendship really easy to maintain, without all the sexual tension of the “When Harry Met Sally” friendship.
2. He’s taken and content in his relationship — which makes you off-limits, and even if he is attracted to you, he wouldn’t do anything about it.
3. He’s hooked up with you before — so the mystery and excitement is gone and you can just enjoy each other’s company as friends.
4. He’s a mature adult who’s had enough sex to understand that just because he’s attracted to someone doesn’t mean she’d be a viable girlfriend/life partner, so it’s best not to act on that attraction.
I can only make such a list because there I am friends with women under all four of those pretenses — I’m not attracted to her, I’ve hooked up with her before, I’ve slept around and don’t need to do it again, and I’m married and not ruining a good thing.
So when you’re assessing future friendships with men, first ask yourself whether he’s the shy, awkward guy who may be repressing his true feelings for you.
If he’s not, he’s probably not interested in you and is one of the four men above.
Any questions?
I agree with what Evan wrote. A friend admitted to her feelings for me a while back and while I was physically attracted to her (and, originally considering dating her when I first met her but didn’t because I was dating someone else and she had recently gotten out of a long term relationship) I decided to try to keep our friendship instead because I couldn’t see myself “married” to her or in a long term relationship. I didn’t see the point of ruining our friendship for the matter of a dating situation that might last a year or 2.
Angelina,
I have a female friend. We once worked together and now we occasionally meet up for lunch and exchange birthday/Christmas messages.
What I have never said to my female friend is that I think she is ‘hot’ or that I fantasize about her. That would have definately given the wrong message just like your friend did to you.
You didn’t read the signs wrong, you read your friend wrong, as I’m sure most women would have done.
Did he get scared I just don’t know, I can’t figure him out. so I think you did the right thing in cutting him out of your life, and moving on.
You may be shaken by his reaction, but I hope that any interesting men you meet in the future will, (as long as they are emotionally mature) let you know what their real feelings are for you.
Thank you for saying, “That would have definately given the wrong message..” So much advice I see men give these days is tempered with what seems to be the thought, well if she’s willing, that’s concentual enough, so I won’t let too much of the truth out that may cock block a guy I’ve never even met from this genuinely reaching for an understanding woman. Thank you.
I truely am very careful about leaning on others for support, especially men (and some women), because it might send the wrong message, that I want to be closer to them instead of the reality that I need assistance with something. I have a brother who is the best to me. He’s started a beautiful family, but is nice to me even though he doesn’t have to be. Plus I kicked ass at life and have enough money to help myself now. Probably because I had a strong, nice male in my life who gave me a foudation to fight off all these obserd bantifeministic pleas to give up my vagina to a greater complacency.
I think the 25% estimate of shy guys is way too high. That’s why women are always saying, “well, he does really like me but he’s too intimidated by me/too afraid to ask me out.” Besides, if he doesn’t ask a woman out – whether for shyness, lack of interest — it’s irrelevant; he’s not for you.
how is someone not for them because they were shy? I’m assuming this logic stems from the unrealistic expectations we place on men, but just think would it seem right if I was telling some guy about how if a girl is too shy to ask you out then shes not for you? I don’t think so if anything that would make her a keeper compared to most of us I don’t see why we shouldn’t also appreciate the same shyness in men that we so miss from women. However if a women is interested in a guy the fact is regardless of how not shy she is she likely still wont ever ask the guy out as they have come to somehow believe that such a job is only for the men, I mean we cant expect women to actually risk rejection on the same scale as men now can we I mean that would be downright…….equal. GASP!!
Angela, I’m a shy man. Thank you so much for your reply. =)
Brendan, I think women know when a man is shy and might give more incentive or take more initiative if she is confindent and very interested in the guy. However, so many women are getting this false notion that “if a man is interested in you he will pursue you”, but people forget that everyone has insecurities and doubts and sometimes someone might be interested and not ask you out.
In Angela’s case it was a no-brainer, 10 years, he was charming and seductive, not shy and Angela needed to ask this guy sooner. I really have no idea why anyone would put themselves in that position for so long.
If you’re interested,just ask her out already, seriously.
If she’s interested you know where you stand. If not, then you’re not wasting anymore time.
didn’t you get the memo? feminism wasn’t about equality it was about female supremacy and special treatment for women on top of getting any benefits men got for being men for themselves as well.
women in general despise shy men. that’s fine, your loss. the more substance a person has, the less you’ll find out about them in a short period of time, therefor any woman who won’t give a man the time of day is low substance herself, because she can’t comprehend what a person of depth is like to begin with.
I am super shy. I look like Barbie the bodybuilder and I have a Ph.D. in the hard sciences. So, NOBODY imagines that I am shy. I love shy men. I feel like they are the only ones that could possibly understand me. I am so tired of people thinking I am conceited when the truth is that I am painfully shy with men I am attracted to. I don’t know anyone that despises shy men. I hold them above all others. I understand how difficult it is first hand.
Mad_Scientess: you probably already know this, but here’s a tip if you’re seeking smart, shy men — engineers. Of course, if you’re seeking smart + shy + built, well, that last element may be a rarity!
No. They’ve learned to behave shyly. TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. All that motivates a guy to get closer to you is sex. You are a ‘keeper’ or whatever you want to call the opposite of getting rejected by that regular guy of ten years who was not your friend. A friend would do the opposite of letting you carry on a long-term relationship that isn’t satisfying to you on an interpersonal level. He might even have kept it from getting deep emotionally so you kinda felt like the way to get to depth was to go through that attraction stuff (and have sex with him he can only hope because he’s probably a little too evil to get sex through love maybe I don’t know) to get to depth. But since we’re not in our 20s anymore, you knew that was a dead end, which is just wise. You are strong and wise to cut off that “relationship.” I stayed after at a party to help clean up to see if this guy would finnally ask me out, since we were always around friends, but he’s a completey capable man.I don’t really think we need to help a man ask us for a date. When you knew what you wanted, you spoke to the regular guy about it. He can do it. But who cares about him, because he didn’t do that for you.somewhere along the way because of him convincing himself that sex is something he needs from random women who he nowhere near loves (you. Wouldn’t love be aweful if that’s what it felt like?), a man thinks he’s entittled to have sex with you. And I don’t know how you missed this, but all men want to have sex with you all the time. Sex is just not going to have anything to do with you detecting the one to priority love in life. That’s why he allowed himself to talk to you about physical attraction. Because if you have sex with him, woops not my bad he thinks, “I only was talking about physical attraction. She’s the one who messed around and fell in love with my encredible prouis (spelling???).” Where a woman is going, “how you gonna be attracted to me at all if not with my mind at least a little? That’s gross.. that’s like when teachers of jr high kids have sex with them because they’re tall enough to simmulate masculenity. I’ve known you for ten years. What do you think I’m talking about when I’ve heard you say you’re attracted to me?!” So, after a regular guy I know has remembered all the comments I’ve mad in our interactions to ask me about them in later interactions, and given me a little extra attention, he wasn’t asking me out, and the cleaning was done, so I grabbed up my purse and my sweater, was heading out for a smooth transition into knwing, “he’s just not into me” when he kissed me. He has since appoligized for being an uncoventional asshole, though. So there’s nothing else to do. I don’t go to his house for parties or to places he’ll probably be. He tries texts which immitate caring behavior. My better guess is that he thinks there’s an opportunity for sex (like there was when She finalLy got weak enough in When Harry Met Sally!). Guys/men who “keep it on the side” with you are opportunistic. Don’t listen to Brendan about what are his incapabilities. One of those men who would like sex with you is going to have his heart in the right place, and he’s going to ask you out. He’s going to ask you out on a dte and follow through with lots of dates for the rest of your life. That’s how you can tell he is capable of being the strong, wise man in your life.
I totally agree. Generally all this talk about men being insecure and fearing rejection as a reason to not ask you out is pure horse crap. Men are risk takers by both their hormones and what culture teaches them is ok to do. It is the way dating is setup to insure the man gets first pick to satisfy their sexual preference which strokes his ego. They will always stick their neck out to pursue if they like your looks, even though it means overlooking bad character and a boring personality in a woman. Many park their forsight and common sense on what is really important and valuable in a woman. Happens all the time and over and over again.
I think a lot depends on how attractive the man finds you and how well you take care of yourself. I have many many men tell me they find me intimidating and I believe them based on their actions. They watch and make occasional efforts to get close to me and I can feel how nervous they get.
Thank you for this! I am learning that a man can’t build attraction if I act like a buddy. I am learning to let him initiate contact, and let him lead if there are to be any moves.
I have known my friend, R, for 4 years. We dated for 10 months, almost every day, in 2009. We had a major falling out, and little by little, he has come back in my life. The night before my birthday, January 6th, after a few very positive dates, he started talking about sex and romance via text message. We texted for 5 hours while he asked me stuff like, “What makes you feel beautiful?” “What makes you feel like a goddess?” “I asked him what makes him feel beautiful, and he said, “When I am chivalrous like a knight and treat women like princesses.” Next he asked me if a woman can orgasm while riding a horse. Much more was shared on that level.
Because of past confusion in the lines of friendship vs romance, I asked, “Am I being flirted with?” That’s when everything fell apart. He responded, “I am not making romantic insinuation.” Among other things, I told him I felt like I was watching a romance movie, enjoying all the beauty of intimacy and romance. But when the movie ends, I am always left just sitting alone in a dark theater.
He asked, “Do you want to stop being my friend if it’s going to be nothing more?”
I felt weak, like a twisted, wrung out dishrag. He has led me on and let me down many, many times in 2009. He said later he just enjoys talking about romance, and he didn’t realize it would lead me on. I said, “Come on, you’re not stupid! Given our history, it should be obvious by now!” He said I was calling him stupid, because he claims he honestly didn’t know better. I believe he knows what he’s doing. It ruined my birthday, because I had thought he was leading up to a passionate night or at least some sort of birthday surprise.
No.
He’s playing games. Hope you moved on.
The common thread I see in Angelina and Brenda 4’s experiences, as well as the experiences of many of my single friends who got burned in similar ways, is an erosion of basic dignity – of the ability to keep one’s mouth shut, and not feel the need to tell others exactly what’s on their minds.
Since when did “emoting” become a virtue? People who blather on and on about their feelings and reveal everything in their minds and hearts, with no regard for the other person’s interest or feelings, are insufferable. If you don’t have intentions toward another person, don’t tell them they’re hot and that you fantasize about them. Don’t ask them questions of a sexual nature. Period. Show some consideration for how the other person might take your words. For God’s sake, this seems so basic; yet this impulse to overshare that characterizes today’s society repeatedly takes over fundamental dignity and thoughtfulness toward others.
Angelina and Brenda, if you can, associate more with people who are thoughtful about your feelings – not fools who spill all their guts and are only thinking of themselves.
Boy can I relate. I had a similar experience – not 10 years, but long enough… and it went in circles too. In the end, even though he was interested, he never made a move. After endless conversations where we went up, down and around about it, I just came to the conclusion that he just didn’t want to (and that’s if I’m to believe he was actually interested in me that way and not just some sick game he was playing). When we discussed it, he placed himself in the 25% camp – but since in the end, he STILL wasn’t going to pursue, all of the conversations and whatnot were just a huge waste of my time.
I think that regardless of WHY a man doesn’t pursue (whether he’s in the 75% or the 25%) – it just doesn’t matter. The upshot is that he didn’t and never will.
So if you find yourself in a “friendlationship” with a man – GET OUT. You deserve to be with a man who has the inner confidence and self-assuredness to actually ask you out no matter what his “fears” or “insecurities” may be.
I consider my “emotional” time to be just as valuable as my “physical relationship” time and if a man comes along and wants all of my emotional time and energy and he’s not giving me a real relationship back in return – I’m done with him. Period. All it does is keep you from a man who wants to give EVERYTHING to you – not just crumbs.
Fantastic response!
Thank you FM and Helen for your comments…. They were both so helpful to me. I have never been in a position with a man that played this game……. until now. Its been so confusing to me because it’s all so new! I’ve recently come out of a 2 year, long distance relationship that just got too difficult, due to the distance. My ex treated me with attentiveness, love, respect, and truly the way i feel a man should treat a lady, so that’s what i am used to. Now that I’m back in the dating circuit, this game playing is all too weird for me. I’m just so used to being with more mature men. … So I meet this new guy, he’s divorced has a daughter the same age as mine, goes to my church, has a successful career, but apparently doesn’t know the first thing about how to treat a lady. I even asked him if he looked at me as one of his buddies and his response was, “Well Im not sure yet, Im still trying to figure it out.” figure it out ?! What? Either you find me attractive and want to ask me out or you don’t!! We have gone to lunch once and one other very casual date and yet he’s been calling and texting me every single day for months now. I’ve got a very busy life so I have no problem moving on without his dead weight, but I kind of liked the guy and thought he liked me as well. Thank God I came on this site otherwise I may have been waiting around for that next date for a really long time.
I sort of agree with Amy’s point that if a man can’t ask you out, you probably don’t want to date him. I do agree with some of Evan’s earlier posts, where you can flirt at a bar, etc and insinuate it would be fun to see him again.
Angelina, if this guy couldn’t ask you out in 10 years, do you really want him? Maybe he was 15 when you met (you didn’t say), but “shy” guys are really just insecure guys who usually act hostilely if they become your boyfriend. I myself and female friends get the reverse of this situation, where the “friend” really does like you:
My friend was college-friends with a guy for 8 years or so. He never expressed interest or made a move, but one day his guy friend met my friend… and they started dating. He threw a hissy fit, told both of them they were terrible people, etc, and both of them were confused as they had no idea the “friend” had interest.
I dated a guy once who had a crush on me while being my “friend” for a year. He made a move, once, and we tried dating but I wasn’t that serious about it, while he was declaring his “love” after a couple weeks. I was never able to get on the same page b/c I was never that attracted to him.
Evan’s list is a good list of reasons a guy wouldn’t ask you out, but I also think you should tell yourself that you want a partner that is on the same page as you from the get-go. It’s also possible your friend just liked having someone around who he knew had a crush on him, for purely the purpose of pumping up his own ego and wasn’t really a friend at all, hence the telling you he thought you were hot, etc, so you wouldn’t go off and find someone else.
Brenda #4 – why would you be with a man with whom you had a “major falling out with?” He sounds like such a tool with his “what makes you feel beautiful” questions. And by tool, I mean “jerk.” A guy who wants to ask you out, will. Period. I was NEVER EVER friends with a man that I was interested in dating, except high school.
Some men out there are incredible flirts (I’m sure some women do this too). For them, flirting is exciting and an ego boost, but they have no serious relationship intentions. In other words, they won’t be seriously calling, asking you out, and having physical contact.
I recently cut an ex out of my life who would periodically call me, act flirtatious and interested, even tell me he still loved me, but never followed through. Too frustrating – who needs it?
@Brenda
5 hours of texting? That’s a waste of time, if you are really interested in someone, and want them to ask you out. “Can a woman orgasm while riding a horse?” I think you must have better things to do than answer such idiotic questions!
5. He’s gay.
This post has already elicited multiple questions about your personal lives. I apologize but this isn’t the right forum for that:
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I agree with what Evan wrote, and will add that dude sounds like kind of a dick for leading you on like that. As a guy, you expect women to do that sort of thing, but from a guy? It just seems more messed up to me….I don’t agree with the others who said any guy who doesn’t ask you out is unworthy to date. I’m a firm believer that if you want to willingly embrace gender roles like let the man do all the work, it’s hypocritical to claim you are his equal. If anything, you are treating him as an inferior.
I give you credit for taking the risk. In my experience, most women just sit around and let things happen.
Evan, can there be a reason #5 why a guy sees you as a friend – Bad Timing? I know a man who seems to be showing a lot of the indicators of interest…much eye contact, some phone calls and texts. He always notices and mentions when I’m not at the weekly event where we usually see each other. But, he’s never asked me out. He got divorced 2 months ago after about 15years of marriage.
I’m not holding my breath or anything, but it seems odd that he seems interested but doesn’t take the next step. The guy is not shy, so I won’t be asking him out. I just feel like I’m getting a lot of mixed signals.
Yeah, 25% of incredibly shy / beta male guys is waaaaaay too high….and TEN YEARS? I can’t tell if she’s been waiting around for him to bust a move for a decade or if they’ve known each other a decade and she’s had romantic feelings recently….
This is the gender flip of the guy who’s pining away for the girl who’s put him in the friend zone….and gee whiz — hopes and prays she will someday will see him as something more (that was me from age 13 to about 30 and a brief regression at 35)….
There is a friend who has been my friend — and often, best friend — on and off for a DECADE too who is majorily curvy, really pretty, full lips, incredibly young looking for her 42 years (she looks 25), but has a lot of emotional issues / scars that run deep and her meltdowns can pull you under like a riptide (hence the on and off periods) — she’s pretty, I’m in theory attracted to her, but just a really, really bad road to go down romantic relationship / long term wise….
All over the web with women of all races and colors I see the same question hear the same stories…he texts me…he stands me up…he calls me and we talk about sex..he didn’t text me for three weeks but I don’t want to give up on him because I care about him.
As a female I do believe many of us are simply delusional and refuse to see the signs and take him for what he is – a man who doesn’t want us as a romantic partner.
Men come into my life and expect me to do the romantic heavy lifting…chase them, text them, call them…have sex with them?? NOPE.
I’ve learned from Evan and other wise men and women -Men are not shy, they’re just not interested in you!!
@Liz, if he just got divorced 2 months ago, why not just continue to get to know him and see if it pans out? Him asking about your absence is a nice indicator that he enjoys your company, but wouldn’t be a definitive indicator of his intentions. The more you see of him, the more he heals from a divorce, he’ll either ask you out or not.
I have never been in such a situation before, nor do I EVER wish to live something like this.
I agree with Helen at #5. ‘Communication is the answer’ – This gets thrown around so often, that many people don’t even know what that means and take it tooo seriously. People don’t need a diary nowadays. They can just blurt out what they think, without even thinking.
I feel so sorry for Angelina, but there is something not clear to me in this whole story. She knew this guy for 10 years and, at some point he started showing interest as mentioned above, or was this ‘i think you’re hot’ attitude there from the beginning?
However, wouldn’t it have been wiser for her to try and actually see where this whole thing was going, by using some small ‘tests’?
Sure, they were talking daily, but what would have happened if Angelina decided to get a bit cold with him? I’m not saying she should have been MIA for weeks, but maybe she could have reduced the time they talked/spent together. Instead of talking daily, wait 2 3 days and see what happens. Or maybe talk about someone else who might have been interested in her, in order to observe his reaction. I’m not saying that these things work all the time, but i guess that depending on the person/relationship, you can adapt and get some hints. If he didn’t mind any of these, then it would have been obvious that he was ok with just being friends. I don’t know if a man who nurtures ‘special’ feelings for a woman would just stay there and wait for her to get cold or for some other dude to commit, just because he isnt’t brave enough.
I am aware that all these require some tact and all, but I just don’t think it is right that she ‘allowed’ him so much power over their ‘relationship’… I’m not judging her at all, I only feel sorry 🙁
I would have felt like Angelina if I had made that bold move. I know it has the potential to ruin my friendships so I tend to leave things as is and search for love elsewhere. But I have a friend who has done exactly what Angelina did on numerous occasions with a lot less reason. She comes from the school of leave no stone unturned. She’s still great friends with the last guy (even though I would have been mortified) and is now married to someone else. I think you have to know yourself though and know if you are the kind of person who can take a chance and be okay with either answer.
Liz – he just got divorced. He’s not ready. Don’t get emotionally invested. He likes you, sure (the positive signals), but that doesn’t mean he won’t use you to get over the pain of his divorce. You deserve a guy who is ready and willing to give you the relationship you want. Be friendly to him, but write him off.
I agree with Evan. I actually kissed a guy friend many, many years ago, but thankfully, he just laughed it off. That is how we were able to preserve our friendship. I am, however, in a great relationship because I read and applied the principles outlined in “Why He Disappeared”.