When Should a Woman Have Sex With a Man?
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The end of Wednesday’s blog post brought up a very important topic; perhaps the most common question I get asked by women whenever I give a speech:
How do you know when it’s okay to sleep with a guy?
I discussed this back in March, but most of you weren’t reading then. So forgive me for recycling, but my views haven’t changed, and you definitely want to get in on this discussion…
No doubt about it: The first time a woman beds down with a guy she’s crazy about is an exciting and special time. Still, the question remains: When? Well, it depends. Some women are happy to get down to business the night they meet; others will wait weeks or months before doing the deed. Whatever a woman’s decision, we had to wonder: Does the double standard still exist today? In other words, if a woman knocks boots with a guy too soon, does she automatically nix her chances for long-term love—or is that old-fashioned nonsense in today’s modern-day dating scene? To find out, we grilled three women about the ups and downs of when they get down to business… and what they said may surprise you.
My two cents on the whole thing?
Men are sexual hypocrites. They push women for sex, then blame them for having sex. They’re particularly stuck on the idea that if a woman hops into bed with them quickly then she must have done this with lots of other men as well. This lowers her value in his eyes. After all, if everyone can have her, she can’t be all that special, can she?
On the other hand, I also know from personal experience that if a guy is crazy about a girl, and they move really fast, all the rules go out the window. In fact, this is the way MOST of my relationships have started. But then, I’ve always been determined not to be hypocritical when a woman has the same lack of morals I do. I love women with loose morals.
The sex question is a popular one because it comes up in every dating situation. However, there’s no set timetable or finite number of dates that will let you know when it’s time to give it up. I know one woman who was told by an “expert” to wait 10 dates before sleeping with the man she was dating. The guy dumped her her after 7. …
Continued on next page >>
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- Can a Hot Woman Like Me Hold Out on Sex Until I Get a Commitment?
- Why Does The Woman I’m Seeing Want to “Take It Slow”?
- If Men Like Only Hot Women, Where Does That Leave an Average Woman Like Me?
- I’m Falling in Love With A Woman Who Has a Long Distance Boyfriend. What Should I Do?
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76 Comments »Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice
susan 1
Oh how timely! Being newly back on the dating scene I’ve been wrestling with this as not only a personal moral issue but also wanting to know other perspecitves. “Your sole responsibility before having sex is to figure out if hes interested in YOU or in SEX.” Excellent point and one to never forget. So far it’s been and easy distinction to make! Thanks for the great column.
Rachel 2
Hi Evan,
Thanks so much for this provocative, thoughtful post!
As for me — a 35 year old single mom — I’ve never been very good at keeping boundaries when it comes to sex. I’ve had loads of fun, but I’ve also gotten hurt. Badly.
Nowadays, especially as a single parent, I’m learning how to have boundaries. This is what helps: carrying around a quote from Liz Gilbert’s book, Eat, Pray, Love.
“When I get lonely these days, I think: So be lonely, Liz,” Gilbert writes. “Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled life.”
I’ve used men as scratching posts. I’ve let myself be used as a scratching post.
Ouch.
Sarah 3
I agree with your comments totally Evan. Women need to let go of this “time limit” that some often impose on themselves and just let live. I, personally, have waited months and I’ve also waited a couple of weeks to sleep with people I’ve dated. The guy that I waited months for, we ended up breaking up a few weeks later. The one that I only waited a couple of weeks for, we actually ended up being together for quite a while. It goes without saying though, that women have this tendency to put their “goods” on a pedastal without really thinking that maybe the guy they’re dating could be horrific in bed, but may never know because they’re waiting several weeks or months for the right moment when everything should go together. Sex is too important in a relationship to place conditions on.
I have learned that there is no right moment or time. Sometimes, things just happen, and that is often how we learn. My philosophy is to stay aware of what a man’s intentions are, but at the same time, live and let live. No need to obsess about timelines in relationships, because that’s when people get dumped and feelings are hurt.
redheadfromtdot 4
My answer: Do it when it feels right.
It may be my responsibility before having sex to figure out if hes interested in me or in sex but it’s also my responsibility to figure out how interested in him I am. Few guys will say “No, I’m not ready”, but the door does open both ways.
Determining sexual compatibility can be an important part of forming a relationship. Sometimes I want to get to know him on a physical level as I’m getting to know him on a personal one. Whether that’s on the second date or the fifth, I’ll do it when it feels right and natural, not when I think I “should” or when he think so.
Paul 5
You know, you can always do what the bible says to do and save sex for marriage. I know, foreign concept, but it has it’s advantages…just think how clearly you’d be able to see the guy and who he really is if there was no sex involved? And for the guys, same thing. Would our decisions be the same, especially in marriage partners? I doubt it. We’d all see a little clearer. I only wish I could follow His wishes, which, so far, have eluded me. I sometimes wonder why our sex drive is so strong?
BeenThruTheWars 6
Evan, swell post. To your statement: “Your sole responsibility before having sex is to figure out if hes interested in YOU or in SEX,” I would add, “… and behave accordingly to protect your own heart, ’cause ain’t nobody else gonna protect it for you.”
Stephanie 7
Cheers, Evan! Women’s sole responsibility is to figure out if the guy is really interested in us or just sex. And i love what BEENTHRUTHEWARS added, “to behave accordingly in order to protect your own heart coz ain’t nobody can protect it for you.” Especially that nowadays, the world’s getting doomer and almost all guys are just after sex without emotion. Sex is a good thing, that is supposed to be shared by two people licensed on it. What i mean, is married couples. I know, the westerns have liberal views on this one. I am not here to debate about it but just sharing of the true, profound profile of sex. I hold the Bible-based view anyway. That sex is created as a bonus for 2 married couples. Extracting from Evans’ pointview that we are to figure out responsibly a real man, then why not follow what is the truth. It’ll really protect your heart. If a guy leaves you because you don’t give into him then it’s not our loss. We may feel hurt but it’s just transient. That guy doesn’t deserve us and we don’t deserve him. We should not settle out less than what is planned for us. Some people just have a worldy definition of happiness. Many people get a mistake on this and so, in return they are hurt. Man has a strong sex drive, that is because of the things seen,heard, read. the battle is not really on the flesh but on the minds.
Peace!!
It’s About Making Babies! » Blog Archive » The age-old question of dating - how soon to sleep together. 8
[...] man? Actually, NML writes about Evan’s ‘Advice From A Single Dating Expert‘ post, When Should a Woman Have Sex With a Man? ‘Ask Evan’ is a dating counselor. Now, why did I just pop in my ‘Hitch’ [...]
SWF42 9
I firmly believe that it doesn’t matter when you have sex with a guy. If he’s going to call you again, he will. If he’s not going to call you again, he won’t.
Lisa 10
I agree with this article and my personal motto too is no sex until I’m in a committed relationship. My problem is, the men I meet make it clear up front that they’re just in it for the sex. My common complaint is that I never really feel that the guys into me.
david wygant 11
Hey
Great minds think alike. I wrote the same thing the other day. Now i know why you and I are friends and in the same business!!!
Good stuff EMK!!!
David Wygant
A-L 12
Well, Paul hit the nail on the head. I have been following the bible’s recommendations on holding off on sex until marriage. Unfortunately I’ve been having a very hard time finding a man who’s willing to live that lifestyle while he’s with me. Most guys respect me for sticking to my guns, admire my reasoning, just can’t seem to forsake their own sexual drive. Alas!
thomas 13
Every man is different, every woman is different, every situation is different… there is no wrong answer, there is no right answer….
When I am around women, they think that they know what they want. Yet, when they get it, it is not what they wanted at all. I see too many people, women and men, chasing after something that they think they want because it is on television or a person next to them has it.
In the end, this is not sex in the city. These are real people, with real problems, with real lives. Nothing is ever perfect. Some relationships go down hill the moment sex is introduced, while others will never take off without it.
You can never tell when it is right. It might be great to go for it within the first 5 minutes you meet someone, or it might be better to wait 5 years after you meet that special someone.
I am a guy, I am a male. It is all in how you intriduce yourself to a guy.
I have had girls introduce themselves to me by showing me their breasts while they are asking me questions. Well, I am not going to try to really get to know them and I am only going to really get one thing out of them before I move on. Granted, they have gotten my attention. Yet, they got pissed at me when I tried to get into their pants.
On the other extreme, I have had ladies act real professional towards me. After a few months, they get pissed at me because I never made a move or asked them out.
When should a woman have sex with a man? It all depends on how you are presenting yourself and what you want in the end. Do you want to grab a man’s attention? If you offer to have sex with him the first time you meet him, you are going to grab his attention.
Jan 14
I personally think that you can not sleep with a guy and he will/wont call and you can sleep with him and he will/wont call… I dated a guy for two years who I never slept with, he still wanted to date me, I slept with my now fiance on our first date 4 years ago… I think the key is working out if they really like you, if they really do and they are a nice guy they will wait or be just so happy you want to sleep with them too!
Joy 15
If you are attractive enough, he will date with you after sleeping with you. If not, he may diappear! Men always use nether part to consier all things including relationship!
Free Central » When Should a Woman Have Sex With a Man? 16
[...] admin wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptThe end of Wednesdays blog post brought up a very important topic; perhaps the most common question I get asked by women whenever I give a speech: How do you know when its okay to sleep… [[ This is a content summary only. … [...]
Dollbaby 17
Wow, well in any case I meant a man we talked for many weeks befor we meant up.Yes an on line dateing thing. Went on a date then came back the next time and stayed over with him. I had only had one man my hole life and walked out on me and I wanted see what I had been missing. I’ve been seeing this man for 4 months now. Its been hard but also been really good for me. He is like a best friend. We do have our ups and down because yes I want more and he got a lot to deal with right now with other proubles as I do myself. We both have kids and other poeple that are casing trouble for us but they are out of our lives all togthere. I live in USA and he lives in Canada which make thing even harder but when we are togthere he tells me how he missys me so much and even calls .. some times was to much in one day. Is he in love or what… Been very careful because we both have our childer to think about too. I’m can say I do love him and his son. But I was in love with him befor I very meant him in person! Q: What should I do ? We talk mostly thourgh e-mails or chat on line. He works long hours and live at home with mom and dad so he can keep his 4 year old son from his ex.
mitcoes 18
Would a non lesbian or bizsxual woman date a man?
NOOOOOO
Then is sex from the very first date.
The question is to have sex intercourse the very first date or later.
I think better as soon as possible, because it can be bad sex, or not as good as you would like, and next dates, if there are, would show you the real man.
Cheating your desire to force him to cheat his love is all cheating. If you are there and you want sex, and he does want sex, just do it, enjoy it, and if someone is old fashioned play role reverse. For example:
I won’t think you are a bitch if we make love, I’m a good person and I do like sex with men I do like, but if you would consider you are not prepared yet becouse you have some moral troubles I will understand.
Or something like that as funny as you can.
The question is Do you like sex? or Are looking for a daddy love ? and sex is the price.
If you do not like sex, and it is only a price for having a daddy. Do not have sex on first date, and never, incest, even in a imaginary mode is really a bad moral behaviour .
vlh 19
Date #6 is good. Soon enough to know if you like the guy and he likes you. Wait months into the relationship, and you and he are already emotionally involved. If the sex is crap, dumping him will be so much more difficult at that point (which I think is why so many women end up in relationships that aren’t satisfying to them sexually — too afraid to hurt the guy’s feelings!)
Dating Advice 20
I am convinced that it does not matter when to have sex – first or tenth date. Here is how I look at it; if a guy likes you, it doesn’t matter if you have sex on the first date. He will call you again, especially if sex was good. If he does not like the woman all that much, he can still have a one night stand with her. It doesn’t matter if she does or does not have sex with him; he will not call her again anyway, and not because she put out of the first date, but because he does not like her.
From my own experience, all of my long term relationships since my last divorce resulted from what I perceived as one night stands. On the other hand, a guy friend of mine once told me about a woman he had slept with on a second date. He said that after that he was not going to see her again. When I asked why, he said sex was not good, but I take it that he was not really interested in HER in the first place, and only wanted sex.
The tricky part when deciding whether to have sex on the first date or not is that you really don’t know how a guy feels about you and whether he really likes you or just wants a quick lay. If he really likes you, he’ll continue seeing you even if you have sex too soon. If he does not like you, withdrawing sex will NOT keep him around.
Selena 21
Dating Advice, You wrote:
“The tricky part when deciding whether to have sex on the first date or not is that you really dont know how a guy feels about you and whether he really likes you or just wants a quick lay. If he really likes you, hell continue seeing you even if you have sex too soon. If he does not like you, withdrawing sex will NOT keep him around.”
True. But some women prefer NOT to have sex with a guy who won’t stick around. And since you don’t know how he really feels on the first date, why do it? If he drops you after the first date because you withheld sex, GOOD, better to find out what he was about right off.
By contrast, after you get to know him somewhat better (whatever # of dates that might be), you may have a much better sense of how he really does feel about you and how likely he is to stick around.
vino 22
“But some women prefer NOT to have sex with a guy who wont stick around.”
Stick around? What guarantees will he give you? Will she give you? Collateral? Pormissory note, what?
Reality is there are no guarantees. Cold, yet true.
Selena 23
Yes Vino,
I have to agree; reality is there are no guarantees. I’d like to believe that when *most* people marry, they do so believing they will stay together until death parts them, at least at the time they vowed it. But with divorce statistics at 50%, it seems half of those sincere couples are later proved wrong.
Still, you took my quote out of context. It was in response to the person calling herself Dating Advice regarding having sex on the first date. I’ll stand by the theory that you might have a better sense about someone sticking around (at least for awhile), if you actually spend some time getting to know them, as opposed to just saying “Why not?” and sleeping with a virtual stranger on the first date.
If you don’t care if it turns out to be nothing more than a one night stand (like Dating Advice) who cares? But some women (and men), ARE bothered by sleeping with someone who dumps them shortly afterward. For those folks, I wouldn’t say first date sex is well suited for them. That’s all.
vino 24
Selena,
Actually, I meant the comment in the same context you used it (first date/early in dating). It also happens to apply to marriage.
I happen to agree with your conclusions.
hunter 25
To Paul,
I have heard of the biblical statememt, but, no sex ’till marriage, doesn’t that, create a somewhat, social paralysis for some people? I mean, one has the hots so bad, that, social functioning comes to a stand still…
hunter 26
to Paul,
….I am talking, lots and lots of young men(and some old), struggle with this…
hunter 27
to Paul,
..given, no one has ever died of no sex….
Rusty 28
I was recently racking my brain with this very question, and was rewarded by my correct decision on how to handle my current situation. I think the mentality of Evan here is perfect; throw out the rules, and just use the instincts that were given to us by Nature.
A girl I met New Years recently came back in to the picture, and I believe there was some residual chemistry from our first meeting. I’ve been dating her for only a few weeks, but we’re just electric together with our eye contact, conversation and general attraction. As a result, I think our timeline was significantly reduced w/ both the long-term simmering that went on between New Years and now, and the satisfaction of having our thoughts finally realized. Our first time was amazing, and I still look at her exactly how I did when I first met her New Years. That’s how you gotta play it; just be aware of her readiness, in combination with your own, and then just be open and communicate about it. As long as the girl knows what you’re there for, things will be fine!
vino 29
“How do you know when its okay to sleep with a guy?”
It’s ALWAYS okay to sleep with a guy!
Paul 30
Rusty…go soley by your instincts? Are you kidding? Then what’s the difference between us and animals?
Hunter is right, no one has ever died by not having sex. The only way you can not have sex is with Gods help. You could never do it alone. The drive is too strong. I don’t think as long as someone could sit here and explain it to women, they will never understand what it’s like… men are conquestors. We’re wired to be into conquest and if it wasn’t for that we’d all still be in mud huts. Just think how much more power you would have if you never had sex with the woman? When you have sex with her, in a way, she owns you. She controls things now…she owns the candy jar! You just want more of it…you’ve tasted the sweet stuff! You owe her something actually. You, in a very real way, took something from her and she knows it. And now it’s sooooo good that you will do anything, compromise just about anything, to keep the sex coming (no pun intended). Don’t bow down to societies norms. The hard way (again, no pun intended), just as in the hard decisions, are usually the right ways, or decisions. The easy way out, in this case to have sex, never is the best decision. Can you imagine what it would be like on your honeymoon, if you had honored God, and you actually got His blessing on your sex life? It would be better than you ever could imagine. Remember, He is the one who invented sex! He wants us to have sex, and enjoy the heck out of it…and in fact there is specific instructions from God (I think specifically to women…ha ha) to have sex and have sex regularly, only stopping for prayer and fasting, then to have a plan on when it is to commence again…it is that important! Just in the right context. It is to keep temptation out of your minds/marriage, and frankly, to enjoy for pleasure’s sake. It is for our own good not to have sex out of marriage…how much better would the world be if there was never anyone having sex outside of marriage? Lets see…no adultry, no STD’s, no unwanted pregnancies or babies born without fathers…on and on. And that my friends is the truth according to GOD.
khris 31
Honestly I can’t handle sex without emotions UNLESS I’m on the prowl (hormones) which hasn’t been something I have been on in a very long time and I can only think of one instance were the guy called back but as soon as I became nice with him he turned on me and gave me the boot, later came back but was only looking for more sex.
I personally can’t deal with sleeping with men I have dated, I already know if I sleep with him well I like him and he’s a potential for me so I prefer not to sleep with a guy unless I know in my heart that I don’t care to get that call again. Plus I don’t like other mens scent and energy on me which in some cases is very negative.
I’m not the bible belt type either, marriage before sex but I can say that waiting has its benefits. Unfortunately the Samantha Jones of the world are next to nil, most women want more, desire commitments with men they sleep with. I have used to relationships to cure my loneliness and I know for sure thats not that answer.
I say date, have fun, stop worrying about if he calls, just go with it but be aware of your feelings and emotions and always be honest with yourself. Bottom line is if you know your skin is thin like mine well its probably best to not have sex until you can function it all out, alteast thats what I have chosen to do.
Hot Alpha Female 32
Evan i think thats a wonderful standard to have.
“Find out if the man is interested in you or in the sex”
I don’t like the term dating rules. But if there was one rule to live by when it comes to this issue, THAT would be it!
thanks for sharing….
Hot Alpha Female
Zhinnara 33
It’s so ture and well said that there are no actual rules for when to have sex for the first time. It all depends on the indviduals and the circumstances. I personally prefer deeper connectedness with a guy and of course some level of commitment. But agian others might feel differently about it. The best way is to go by our own instincts and decide according to that. The bottom line is whenever you have sex, enjoy it without getting hurt emotionally.
Mich 34
Totally 100% Paul has it right. If a guy really cares, he will wait til marriage. I live in liberal SF California and – surprise – know a LOT of people who have waited til marriage, and NO SURPRISE they all have MUCH better marriages than those who, eh, took the honeymoom before they got married.
Real love can wait. And, guys, there’s no bigger turn off to women than a guy who’s weak about sex. Learn to go for a jog, take a cold shower, and perhaps say a prayer now and then. I promise, you will have no regrets!
Chance 35
Hello Ladies,
Welcome to the leftovers of the women’s movement. Instead of a guy treating you like a lady and trying to provide a good home, you are now treated like bitches and ho’s. It will take a very long time to heal the wounds of the seventies and eighties. You can start by not sleeping with a guy unless you really care for him. So many of you say, ” Does he want me or sex” ????? Are you really that stupid!? The males in practilcaly every species is designed to want sex with HIS perception of the fittest female. It may be a nice full figure, it may be a twigy and some it just might be big boobs. The thing is men think of sex on an average of 3 seconds for every minute he is awake. Women on an average of 14 seconds and hour. This is in a normal enviroment not one where you may be looking for sex, example; doing math in your cubicle with no opposite sex photos or work mates, or wiring up a building with no females around. The answer will always be HE WANTS SEX! It is up to you to make him want REAL sex with you. This is accomplished by not caking on make up, wearing push-up bras, gel or water filled bras, hi-heals, control top pantyhose, hair extensions, and definitely not acting un-interested. Playing hard to get only works on guys that want to conquer you or notch their bedpost. If you truely want someone to love you for who you are… be you! Let them know what they see is what they get, don’t be affraid to experiment and make him happy. News flash, the more you make him happy the more he will want to make you happy. If he is selfish then you will need to cut back as he does. Let his actions speak for yours but please DEAR GOD do not use the pussy as a weapon. If you try he will screw your best friends, your sister, maybe your mother and don’t leave him alone with the cat. There is only one offense worse than using sex as a weapon and that is cheating. Remember though, just like women we want support and affection. Don’t be like the stupid females and think he will pick up on the things you want. Men are intelligent but very simple. We do not have the social skills, verbal skills, intuition or need to please like women. We can be programmed if you tell us what you want by making a certain look at the same time. After about five times we will know that look and respond. The key answer though on when to give it up is, it is not a date or number, especially a pre-set number. It is when you feel confident the two of you are ready and if he doesn’t call again you will be okay with it. If you are squriming your bar stool cause your crotch is burning and the guy seems to be what you want go for it. Make sure one of you has protection, it may be the last time you see him. If you are truely after love and happiness, he will wait, trust me! If I could find the perfect woman for me, I could wait five years. Love is not sex but sex is part of love. It is a way to communicate intimately what we have trouble finding in words. Women can usually find some words but they have the need for intimate communication also. Don’t let being horny dictate. Yes men want sex and yes if is too easy they will worry more about how easy the next guy can get you into his bed. Not so much how many you have been with because both men and women lie about the number. Be a lady in company and a slut in bed and if he loves you it will last. Be a slut in company and a lady in bed and his interests may wander.
Well, I am done and I wish all who read this the best of luck and hope you all find the right one. The world would be a better place.
Take care,
Chance
Brian 36
Why do some women believe sex is something of a commodity, to either grant or withhold from men? What if the tables were turned?
Sex is used too much as a tool (I’ll give it if you’ll stay, I won’t if you don’t/won’t stay) – that’s just silly. Why is it so difficult for a man to find a woman to have sex with?
Lona 37
@brian because men can be assholes
Maria 38
I think all men are assholes, the only variation is to what degree. However, when it comes to sex and matters of the heart I am blessed with two brothers who I have been fortunate to observe over the years. Evan and Chance (#35) are spot on. I have witnessed my older brother dump a smart, sweet attractive woman (long term relationship) faster than you can blink an eye for a slut. Within 3 weeks he proposed to the slut and had been dating the other woman for several years!!! LOL I believe a man knows when he knows, it’s all not planned out. (My brother is not smart enough to actually plan a maneuver like this!) It does not matter when you sleep with him. If sex doesn’t deepen his attachment to you, NOTHING else will. You just havnt met the right guy yet.
shanu 39
gr8 thoughts! i lost my virginity to a guy last yr just coz he told me he is a virgin too and he wants to just experience once. i loved him and gave him all i could for last one and half year . things turned bad and loveless,i could feel only lust from his side and a lot of pressure in bed, he dumped me and now confessed that he ws not a virgin …. i made a mistake , and just realised alot of stuff after reading all these blogs . i didnt wanted to lose it before marriage.
Sayanta 40
“I think all men are assholes, the only variation is to what degree.”
Does that mean you’ve stopped dating them? I only ask because if I thought someone was an asshole, I wouldn’t want to waste any time in their presence.
Maria 41
No of course I havn’t stopped dating men, I am heterosexual. Allow me to rephrase, all men have an “assholish” side to them. Is that better? And if you ask men, they will say all women have a “bitchy side.” It is what it is. We are all only human and we have weaknesses.
Shanu, #39 just a quick note to reply to your situation. When it comes to men, believe none of what they say and only half of what they do. You will be just fine. This experience will make you stronger and you have learned alot.
Thiagoo 42
Let me be clear. Whether it is animal or humans all the living organisms in this world are made for each other to live. its just we humans got thinking power than animals and made our self different species. Due to social, cultural and economical changes, Sex is looked in multiple angle. What ever the chemistry we all talk. it might not exist at the later stage in life. We humans have some animal nature inside our heart. This vary across men and women. When you start a relationship, men and women attract each other for sex, sharing of life etc.. but when time travels, we face so many social and work challenges. Of course, economic challenges. If men and women who thinks all about this and serious about having sex together by considering all these factors. There won’t any cheating. If they do lie to get sex or temporary satisfaction. They are going to break up. During the date, we spend lot of time is attracting each with our physique, style, color , structure etc.. but we always fail to discuss the day to day things in life. So many factors such as, food habit, cleanliness, type of life, style, social life style, etc.. are important to discuss during date.
If both men and women agree, then you have sex and continue. At this point they both are going to clear, what they want in life before or after having sex. So be creative in dating. Don’t any ways blame men for cheating women or women for cheating men.
These are basics of life before getting attracted. Thats why historically culture was formed and some religions are following it. Even though some Negatives are there. After all life is not about sexual desires. But, some people argue with western attitude of open approach to sex.
I am not gonna say which one is right, which one is wrong. All i am trying to say is that, BE CLEAR and TALK EVERYTHING.
Hope this helps
qp 43
freedom to love vs lack of freedom to love. it dont mean a thing with out a ring.
Jay 44
Last night I cancelled a date with a girl I had been seeing about 2 months and told her I didn’t think we were right for each other. Why? I realized that we didn’t have the right chemistry for one. I guess in the end that was the real reason. But lack of sex was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She wouldn’t even take off her top.
Sex isn’t everything, but it is the most visceral, direct form of intimacy us guys know. Moreover, I have had too many experiences of girls who seemed to want me as little more than a friend for them, but who wouldn’t show me even the slightest commitment by going that extra step.
Who knows? Maybe me and that girl would have been able to have some more chemistry together if she had opened up a little more to me?
I’ve never had a girlfriend, so I would give my left arm to be in a committed relationship. But if a woman won’t have sex after months, that tells me that she doesn’t see me as a man. I refuse to be the guy who buys her dinner, takes her out, cooks and gives her everything I have only to be told “let’s just be friends” at the end of the road.
Take heed ladies: withholding sex is a double-edged sword. You can’t test his commitment without having yours tested in the process.
Consider that your refusal to have sex is also a sign of lack of commitment on your part, and if the guy picks up on that lack of commitment, it may drive him away from you if he’s serious, just as surely as it will drive him away if he’s not serious.
So my suggestion is to wait, but don’t wait too long or you risk losing something good.
David 45
Had a second date with awomen two nights ago that turned into a night of sex. The next day, I called her and she told me she regrets what happen and how upset she is for allowing me and her to get into this situation without actually getting to know one another. She told me she does not feel comfortable seeing me again. Before it happened, everything was dandy! What do you guys think is going on?
Steve 46
@David #45
It is very difficult for most people to say “Hi, my name is blank, lets have a booty call”.
If a man had said the things your liaison said to you most people would conclude that she was just out for a booty call, but didn’t know how to handle the maneuver successfully while being 100% upfront about it.
Joe 47
Uh, maybe she’s having second thoughts? Did you slip her a mickey or something?
David 48
I know this is not a booty call. I know that. She and I talked again the next day after she has given some thoughts as to what she said the day before aboutnot wanting to see me again. She has agreed to meet for lunch and coffee this weekend strictly as friends. She told me she felt like I invaded her boundary and I am way too fast for her taste. I might be but damn I am a guy, we fall for this kinda shit. I like this chic but what I am hearing from her is that I will now never respect her the way she wants to be respected. I don’t want this to end but sure as hell sounds like it’s headed that way…
David 49
Joe,
Nah! I did not slip her a mickey. I am a decent guy, alright?
Ava 50
David #48
If she didn’t want to have sex, and she’s so upset about it now, why didn’t she just say no in the first place?
Kristyn 51
David – why is she telling you how you feel? She might guess/worrythat you won’t respect her, butI’m not getting from your posts that you actually feel that way at all. Hmmmm.
David 52
Ava #50
She said I instigated it and she lost self control. Obviously, I am to be blamed for it. She only started to get upset the next morning and got worst as the day progressed. She is better now but very distant.
David 53
Kristyn #51
I have no idea why she thinks this way. I only had two dates with her. She has shared with me that her ex was very abusive towards her so my guess is that she is really seeking a guy who will respect her. I told her that it will not be an issue but I don’t think she trust me yet to believe what I said. She has hit the reset button on me and is distancing herself. Does not want to see me tonite as planned. Do you have any advise? I am a guy so cannot speculate what’s really going on in her mind.
Kristyn 54
I’m a girl and cannot speculate what is in her mind.
If you are really interested, my advice would be to show her that you mean what you say – but how to do it if she is discounting both your words AND your actions, I don’t know. And I don’t know that I’d be interested in putting in time making up for someone else’s behavior.
Just my thoughts.
David 55
Kristyn #54
Thanks for the advise. It’s hard to show interestwhen she is isolating herself. We talked this morning.She is now saying that we have a personality conflict and won’t be a good fit long term. She says I am too fast for her pace and that she needs someone who is more laid back. After two dates and a night of sex, I have been judged and given a title “Aggressive”. Wehaveagreed not to see each other again.Kristyn, you are right. I am not sure if I want to invest time to correct someone else’s behavior. Lessons learned from this is not to have sex the first several dates until you have had the time to get to know each other. It can hurt cause before and after that night, I was talking to two different person.
Kenley 56
David,
Since you have only had two dates with her and you are already working way too hard to figure her out , I think you need to move on. I have a feeling that if you keep trying to catch her, you are just setting yourself up for headaches and heartaches. Walk away and find a woman who isn’t carrying so much baggage.
Selena 57
David,
Perhaps she’s ambivalent about dating you, ambivalent about sex, or both. Sounds like she let her hormones rule for the night and now instead of taking responsibility for it, is choosing to “blame” you. If she’s distancing herself – let her. This is your red flag that this chick has “issues”.
Ava 58
David #53
Something about this situation smells fishy to me. Does it make sense to you that someone who is so upset about having casual sex has done exactly that? And that she doesn’t want to take responsibility for her own choices? Perhaps she is “just not that into you”, or has unresolved issues about her past abusive relationship. I’d back off.
Selena 59
@David #55
What you described is something many women have gone through: guy seems really interested the first few dates, sexoccurs and then the guy becomes distant, backs away. The woman is left wondering “What happened?” It’s confusing and it does hurt and feels like the guy was two different people. It becomes pretty obvious upon reflection that the guy really wasn’t interested in the woman as a potential girlfriend, just interested in having sex with her at that point in time.
Reverse the genders and it sounds as though this is what happened in your situation, with the added little barb of being called *aggressive*. And you’ve drawn the conclusion many women have: Don’t have sex until you’ve taken the time to get to know each other.
Though I’m sure it stings right now, I think you really dodged a bigger bullet down the road by finding out how this woman operates before gettingmore emotionally invested.
David 60
Kenley #56, Thanks for the post. I am moving on. I don’t need the baggage at the moment.
Ava #58, None of this makes any sense to me and I will never ever find out. I don’t want to anymore. It’s quite stressful.
Selena #57, I couldn’t agree more.
Selena #59, I hope that’s not the case. I take responsibility for instigating the sex. I also did not draw those conclusions. She told me so. Maybe I should have wored it different. It’s not important anymore. Water under the bridge.
David 61
Kenley, Ava, Selena,
Cannot believe this. I checked in with her with a simple “How are you?”email and to my surprise, I got an email back initiating communications with questions. I wrote her back. Been out of this dating game for a while since I was married so not sure what to expect to do. Any comments?
Selena 62
Re: #61
I really don’t know David, but often when people who “just aren’t into you” pop back up, it’s because they didn’t find anyone they really liked during the interim. Doesn’t mean they “came to their senses”, usually justmeans they are bored and/or horny.
I suppose giving her another chance would depend on how you feel about her shooting you down aftershe got your hopes up. Again.
Kenley 63
David,
I sometimes subscribe to the “Tough Love” philosophy of helping people. Most of usthought that you should walk away from this lady, but you didn’t. You sent her an email. Why? What your actionssignal to me is that regardless of the advice given, you are going to try to win her over.Based on what you indicated happened with her, I think you are setting yourself up for heartache. But, I already told you that. The fact that she responded to your email is not a reason to get your hopes up. She’s probably just trying to be nice or polite — that’s why I answer the emaisl of men I have absolutely no intention of seeing again. If a woman doesn’t want to see you again after she has had sex with you, youare done.
I am no dating expert. I am only going by my personal experience and the things I have read. So, once again, my advice is to move onto someone else. Don’t waste time on her — and that means no emails, no calls, no texts, no nothin’.
Karl R 64
David said: (#45)
“she told me she regrets what happen and how upset she is for allowing me and her to get into this situation”
David asked: (#61)
“Been out of this dating game for a while since I was married so not sure what to expect to do. Any comments?”
In one of my serious relationships, my girlfriend and I had sex 4 or 5 days after we started dating.Later on my girlfriend told me that she didn’t want to end up in bed that soon, but she wasn’t able to withstand the temptation. (I’ve sometimes felt similarly, but I’ve never verbalized it to a girlfriend.)
I see one critical difference in our situations. My girlfriend believed that it was her responsibility to withstand the temptation. She didn’t blame me for providing the temptation. When I was in her situation, I made conscious choices to have sex, even though it might have been a bad idea. In making those choices, I accepted that I might have to live with the consequences.
Your girlfriend is holding you responsible for her choice. That’s immature. As an adult I accept responsibility for my own actions. I also respect my partners’ ability to make their own choices.
Do you really want to be in a serious relationship with someone who can’t take responsibility for her own decisions?
David 65
#62 Selena,
and then take all of yours advise and run faster than Usain Bolt.
Trust me, I am not totally heart broken about it. Hey, if she is bored/ or horny, I could always use another lay
Nothing within my emails suggest or asking her out. Nada!
David 66
#63 Kenley,
You may be right that she is only being nice or polite in replying to an email. Thank you for all of your good advise. This whole dating thing is definitely not fun. I don’t like the drama and the games.
David 67
#63 Karl R,
You know, I was a little surprised that I was blamed forboth of our actions. You are just lucky to have a girlfriend who accepted her responsibility for her choices. I was not even given the opportunity to explain, let alone, talk about things with maturity, which I am a little disappointed. Thank you all for all the advise and comment. It’s been helpful.
icfny.com 68
Rules of Dating Personals and modern on the big stage…
When you create your online profile, or scanning over other people, online dating is a risky business at best. I can understand why some groups would be hostile, but the fact is that if we develop a set of predefined rules of dating. Rules of Dating fo…
Katarina Phang 69
Evan, this comment is 3 years late but since I just found it yesterday and was writing about this touchy subject for my forum, so I guess you'd like to know that I quoted you in my piece:
http://gettheloveyoudeserve.info/forum/topics/here-we-go-again-should-we-or
I agree with you about sex and I guess we are in the minority. Most relationship coaches speak against having sex too soon or before commitment. I see it as a natural -and in fact necessary- path toward commitment as my personal experience attests.
Katarina Phang 70
I'm rooting for Jay #44. So true…so true! We rarely see this from guys' POV that they have needs for connection too which mainly are facilitated through sex because we condescendingly generalize that "guys just want sex and they'll do anything to get in your pants."
It's true for the most part, but sex can mean a different thing too -yes even for a guy- in a different context.
Another Opinion 71
David…
David..
I went out drinking one night and had sex with a guy the first night and I hardly 'ever' drink. I was so embarrassed, I couldn't face him, I didn't feel good enough for him. I'm wondering if this is her problem. I'm not saying she was under the influence of anything, but it could've hit her the next day too. And I really liked this guy, this was 21 years ago and to this day the best sex I ever had. And I couldn't bare to repeat it, but I loved talking to him on the phone, for months and months off and on after that. Until he finally gave up, I wish he hadn't.
Sometimes we blame ourselves for not having the person we want, but sometimes it's just them, their problem. In my case, it was my problem.
Julie Lantz 72
Oh my god, do things never change? After a particularly rough marriage and divorce,I hadn’t dated, or had sex for nearly 10 years – yes, 10 years! - just didn’t put myself out there. Recently met this guy through high school alumni association. We hit it off via e-mails, and then phone calls. Then lunch, more phone calls and then dinner and drinks. Chemistry was abundant and I thought, “wow!”, can’t believe after all these years I’ve finally met a man I’m interested in, enjoy talking with and physically attracted to. Sentiments appeared to be mutual, blah, blah, blah. We ended up having sex and made plans for the upcoming weekend. No red flags & no reason to believe he was anything other than what I was seeing and hearing. Haven’t heard from him since; have not called him and do not intend to. Honestly, I’m devastated and simply cannot believe this kind of b.s. is still going on between men and women. I’m older, don’t have time for this, deserve better, but now I’m feeling like that stupid girl in her 20′s with very bad judgment. Beating myself up I guess. I’ll be dead before I let anyone else in again.
Anonymous 73
Wow so this is really old I’m sure. I agree with Evan about no sex without commitment. Seriously though, what is true commitment is it just sayind that we won’t see anyone else clearly no sex with anyone else either. Ugh after 4 dates with a guy I think I like him enough to actually say I wouldn’t date anyone else just based on how he is treating me and what I know so far. On the flip side if I commit to him and I have sex the sex will put me in lala land where I don’t really pay attention to who he is. This as burned me in the past.
I’m definitely venting here.
Goldie 74
Ughhhhh I really do not get it. Not just on this forum; I had a similar discussion IRL recently. What does that even mean “no sex without commitment”? What if you’ve committed and had sex and it was absolutely awful, and you want to back out? Or, on a more realistic note, what if after having sex, the man got comfortable enough around you that he started being more himself, as opposed to putting his best foot forward like he’d done on those first 4 dates, and you got to see the side of him that you didn’t know existed, and you aren’t comfortable with, and now you want to back out?
Plus, if we’re both mature adults, what is the big deal? We’re not joining our bank accounts, we’re not adopting each other’s children. We’re just going one little step above that “passionate kissing” everyone seems to think is perfectly acceptable after a casual date. What’s the huge significance all of a sudden? I try to understand and honestly do not. When I met my future husband, I’d gotten religion real bad that year, and then, yes it was a huge deal to me that I only be intimate with one person throughout my life. But if you take religion out of the equation, why is it such a huge step that I have to hold back and do not agree to sex with a man until he commits, like it’s some kind of a prize I give out, rather than an expression of our mutual physical attraction at the moment? Can somebody please explain. I’m puzzled.
Selena 75
Gee Goldie, haven’t you read the oxytocin threads? LOL
No sex without commitment is for those women who are going to get really pissed off if a man decides he’s not into her after having sex. And blame him for not taking into account that she would be attached to him because of the sex, even if they’ve only known each other a total of 20 hours, (5 dates, 4 hours each) or less.
It doesn’t apply to those of us who view sex as part of getting to know someone and understand that sex alone does not a relationship make.
Jerry Jellison 76
Hey Guys and Gals,
The reality is that there is no one rule that fits all situations. Wish there was a better and foolproof way that both sexes could use to guide them…BUT there isn’t. So, both parties have to sense / feel their way and there are no guarantees…..EVER.
But remember this. If you DO have sex early in the game and it’s horrible, but everything else is great, that doesn’t have to mean that the relationship is over.Sexual compatibility can grow and develop over time (practice makes perfect). Conversely, if the sex is GREAT, that does NOT automatically mean that the relationship is made in heaven and will succeed.What if all or many of the other important factors are not OK, is great sex enough to hold it together? NO!!!!!!! But it’s possible that the non-sexual factors will improve if the offending partner sees that it’s a case of fix these things, or you’re out. If he or she cares enough, they will work at it and MAYBE save the relationship.
As someone earlier stated, there is more to solid relationships than just sex. So, finding the right balance between your sex life and life outside the bedroom is the objective. So, don’t give up too soon (unless all aspects of life together are unbearable). But also don’t conclude all is well too soon. It takes time to really get to know someone well enough to make a full commitment……time for both parties to show their true selves on all aspects of life. Nobody is perfect , but in the early throes of a relationship , love is blind…..meaning you aren’t clearly seeing all the things you should see. When the blinkers come off and your vision is more clear and laser-focused, you see things the way they really are.
One other point worth mentioning is this. Since perfection is not in the cards for any of us,don’t be overly critical. Whoever you choose, is going to have some faults, habits, characteristics, traits, that are not pleasing to you. The reverse is also true. The meaning of real true love is that you accept someone the way they are……with all warts and blemishes and they do the same for you. If you are unable to do that, then you can be sure that you have NOT found the right person who you can love unconditionally.
Hey, nobody promised you a rose garden in this game of love. But a lot of honest,open, conscientious communication in which everything is on the table, will help you get to the point where you feel ready and well qualified to make a decision about the long term nature of your relationship as well as when it’s OK to have sex. How long will this take? That’s up to you and your partner and how diligently you work at it and talk about things.
Love is great , when it’s right and real. But it can be hell if you take it too casually and suddenly find your self in a situation that you just want to get out of as soon as possible.
Best wishes for finding that relationship that works for you.