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To explain why a great date doesn’t necessarily mean anything to men, you wrote: “Instead of thinking in terms of black and white (He likes me/he doesn’t like me), think in terms of grey. Isn’t it possible that a guy can be out, enjoying your company, being thoughtful, telling you you’re beautiful, kissing you at the end of the night, and never call you again?”
I guess it’s possible, theoretically. I am not a man, so it’s difficult for me to understand. But why would a guy do that? For example, if I like a guy, and I had a good time on a date, I’d like to see him again. I think about it in 2nd grade terms, “I like a person, I would like to see them again. I don’t like a person, I don’t want to see them again” That applies to all people – men, women, romantic or platonic.
You also wrote: “All you can do as a woman is not make the date “mean” something, because 50% of the time, as you can probably see, it doesn’t mean a thing to him…”
Yeah, I think that’s an assumption. I, personally, cannot SEE that it doesn’t mean a thing to him, like I can’t differentiate. When do things start meaning to a man?
So what distinguishes when a guy goes on a date, has a good time, but is just “in the moment, and doesn’t call me back, versus a guy who had a good time with me and then calls me back? Is this “in the moment” feeling premeditated, i.e. the guy knows this date isn’t going to be serious, before the date occurs? Or does the “in the moment” feeling occur during the process of the date, which is dependent on the woman and on a date itself? So tell me about your experiences. How do you approach this dating, “in the moment” situtation? I am just trying to understand the psyche.
Maybe it’s just me, but all interactions with people mean something to me. I feel that’s the respect I should give to another person. And if they don’t mean anything to me, then it’s because I don’t want to interact with that person.
Any clarification of this idea would be very helpful.
Jean
Dear Jean,
I’m going to drop the dating coach bit for a second and just be a guy.
When I was dating prolifically, I’d be going out with two or three women at a time. And every single time I went out, I did two things:
- I tried to be the best date I possibly could. I’d call, email, express interest, plan a good date, show up on time, etc.
- I tried to make her want me really badly. I’d listen, I’d lean in, I’d flirt, I’d compliment her.
In short, I wanted every single date to feel good about me, so I would have the option of going out with her again. Sometimes, we’d hug goodbye. Other times, we’d drunkenly go back to her place. But no matter what, I was looking to keep my options open, have fun, and sometimes get a little action. And yes, I was always in pursuit of a long-term relationship. I just didn’t want to deprive myself entirely of sexual activity until I fell in love.
By the way, whether you agree or not, I considered myself a NICE guy. I slept with very few people, I never said, “I love you” and I rarely kept a physical relationship going beyond a few weeks, if I felt it was headed nowhere.
To me, I felt like I was acting with integrity. To a woman who woke up next to me after a first date and thought that we were “in a relationship”, I can see how she felt differently….
This is the bargain we strike when we’re dating.
My friend, dating coach and matchmaker, Julie Ferman, talks about what a strange world we live in where we are more comfortable sleeping with a stranger than we are TALKING about what it means to sleep together. And it’s kind of true, isn’t it? Better to hop in bed and hope we can handle the emotional consequences than it is to have a weird conversation about commitment, right?
So if you really want to understand men, Jean, chew on this one for awhile:
Men look for sex and find love.
Women look for love and find sex.
You would never sleep with someone you weren’t interested in.
We will. Gladly.
Until you GET this, until you truly EMBRACE the fact that we think with our penises and allow our brains to catch up weeks later, you’re ALWAYS going to be surprised at the “disconnect” between men’s words and their actions.
Our words are designed to charm you and make you feel comfortable.
Our actions reveal whether there’s any deeper intentions behind our words.
So again, the only way you can tell if a guy is sincere is by WHAT KIND OF EFFORT HE MAKES FOR YOU AFTER YOU GO OUT.
Not if he told you he loves you, not if he slept with you.
Only if he calls you the next day to make another date can you be really sure.
And if you want to be positive that a guy won’t sleep with you unless he’s serious about you, then don’t sleep with him until he’s given you a commitment. You’ll have a lot less sex, but a lot less heartbreak as well.
Emma says
Evan, stop being so freaking reductive. The “you” in that situation could be the guy I just broke up with, who started seeing a future with me even though we had discussed that our relationship was what it was (friendship, sex, and yes, love, but not a future), and the “men” in that situation could be me. Actually, that’s being reductive. I don’t look for sex and find love or look for love and find sex. I look for whatever I can get, and get whatever end up with. I have sex just because I want to sometimes, and sometimes I’ll fall in love with that stranger. I become friends with people and lay in wait for years because I love them (or just want them). My longest relationship (2 years) was with a man who I was casually sleeping with, and we both accidentally fell in love with each other. This took 6 months for us to admit, because it shocked us so much. You need to start using some qualifiers in your columns: MOST women.
Evan Marc Katz says
Yes, MOST women, Emma.
Angi says
Yes, I , a woman, have definitely looked for sex and then found love in my relationships (although not all of them). These generalizations don’t do anyone any good.
Evan Marc Katz says
Yes, they do, for women who have trouble understanding why men sleep with them even though they don’t care/want to commit.
Tendai says
I agree with your article my ex after nine months complained that I didn’t want to have sex with him every time we spent time so it’s no surprise he is now married to a girl that will give him what he wants every time she never says anything. He didn’t love me he was listening to he’s dick then he grew to love the girl that pandered to he’s dicks needs. He even told me that everything I did for him didn’t matter as I would have done it for anyone. Really angry about not being in charge and not enough sex to a point where nothing else I ever did mattered.
I keep my legs shut and that way if a guy Keeps seeing me or talking to me until he declares commitment I keep my legs shut. I don’t know how sex seems to be so crucial to men . I can spend months without it and I don’t feel sick or anything
Frankie says
You are the exception. Dating advice like this is not intended for the exceptions, it’s (very) helpful to the average woman. And yes *most* women seek love and commitment, then sex naturally follows, and most men look to get laid and unexpectedly fall in love. But there are some men who look for love (they tend to be more “Beta”), and there are some women who look for sex (more masculine energy). Nothing wrong with any of these types, but this general advice is not intended for you (the exception to the rule/minority).
JimmyE says
I agree with Evan about sex affecting men’s behaviour, but I think you should also consider how the expectancy of being the pursuer will cause some men to act keener then we might be in the early stages of a relationship.
On the whole we’re expected to initiate contact, ask women out and follow up after a good date. I don’t mind this, but it does mean there isn’t much space for contemplation if you’re sitting on the fence.
In my experience, women tend to ask themselves if a relationship has potential after one or two dates, whereas a man will probably wait for a few dates and possibly sex before being similarily far-sighted
Jules says
This post comes at a very interesting time for me. I have been on about 6 dates with this guy over the past month. While we have hooked up, I have held back from sleeping with him. The big thing that is holding me back is that I don’t want to give it up only to have my guy pull a disappearing act.
We’ve talked about sleeping together and I told him that I wasn’t ready yet for a few reasons. One being what I just stated above. But another is that I don’t want to start having certain expectations once it does happen. I would want to see him more often that the twice a week dates we’ve been having. I would want him to do more than just text me almost every day. I would want to feel secure that this isn’t going to be just a casual thing.
I don’t want to want all of those things, so that’s why I’ve chosen to wait. I think he understands, but we shall see. Like Evan states, I am going to judge my guy on his actions and not by what he says. All of his “I miss you” texts mean nothing if he’s not actually making plans to see me.
Hadley Paige says
The best way to get a guy to call you back after you have had sex with him is to leave a message on his machine that you would like to work on your blowjob technique and would he help.
Calling back is not the goal per se is it? The goal is to for the guy to call back because he is truly interested in you for an LTR.
For that I don’t have an answer. You can’t make it happen. If he is truly into you he will call. If not don’t force it.
Tendai says
lol rope them in with the promise or more sexual fun nice trick but only works to a very small limits .
You can’t build a relationship based on that
Mo says
Actually, the sexual luring would work with me, at least after having had sex the first time. In order to keep an upper hand in the traditional relationship I desire, I would not want to be the first one contacting her. Any contact whatever it is, would allow the lines of communication to flow. I can then take over the leadership from there
hunter says
hadleypaige….more that 60% of women are uninformed on bedroom techniques……most of my fomer partners, have been torture…she can practice other places….
Camilla says
Jean wrote: “Maybe it’s just me, but all interactions with people mean something to me. I feel that’s the respect I should give to another person. And if they don’t mean anything to me, then it’s because I don’t want to interact with that person.”
I completely disagree. To me, a sign of respect is to not be so judgemental. A “you’re in or you’re out” decision made after a couple dates or sex seems harsh, not respectful.
My hunch is that Jean is hoping to avoid the unknowing anxiety of not knowing where she stands. So if you’re the type of person who is uncomfortable with “maybe” then you’ve got your answer. Unless it’s a clearcut yes, then take it as a no.
I think it’s possible to be absolutely respectful, genuine, and enjoy dating (including sex) without it having to be an LTR. It’s not fair to say than anything less is manipulation/deceit/disrespect. Lighten up! That, or don’t sleep with people who aren’t already committed to you.
Shari says
What do you make of men who make the second date before you part after the first, and then make all kinds of excuses to not keep that second date? I can’t tell you how long that happened to me before I started disallowing second date requests until he went home, thought about it, and decided he really wanted to go out wiht me. Doesn’t that blow the theory of how quickly he follows up for another date out the window? Or is is just me?
JimmyE says
Shari. I used to try and arrange dates at the end of the evening. I stopped because the answer was ALWAYS yes, even though many backed out before the agreed date. I appreciate this. People need time to mull over a date in private. People don’t like rejecting a stranger face to face. People like to keep their options open.
Far from contradicting Evan’s theory, so experience actually supports it. You can’t follow up on a date, whilst your still on the date. Its nice if someone wants to arrange plans at the end of a date, but i’d take any promises with a hefty grain of salt until their confirmed at least 24 hours later.
Adam says
I agree with most of what you wrote here…but there are exceptions. I’m a man and I definitely do not sleep with someone I’m not interested in. I don’t ever sleep around and I’m generally looking for love first, not sex. I know it’s rare to find a guy who feels that way but nonetheless…here I am…so we are out here…but I would agree that I’m probably in the 1 percentile on that one.
Diane says
Adam –
Let’s say you have had several dates with a woman, enjoyed her company, and had sex with her probably a bit sooner than you had originally planned.
As a man in that 1 percentile range, what would your next step be? (i.e. calling/text/making plans for another date.)
Tendai says
I think really good guys would text you after or ring you. Or they would advise you to slow down before anything happens. I had a guy ask to leave my house when we where alone because he was starting to think about sex then he left. I respected that at least he didn’t just go for it.
hunter says
Tendai,
..just wondering why you didn’t keep this man that “at least he didn’t just go for it”…..
Jini says
Yea Adam! I wish more men were like you!
Tendai says
you sound like a miracle . I know in general guys are not going to turn away from sex opportunities . I’ve only encountered six guys in my whole life that didn’t try for sex and genuinely wanted to know me.
Maybe you really respect women after all women do get quite devastated if a guy that seemed nice doesn’t call after she decided to ignore the rules and give him pleasure.
Buck25 says
…”after she decided to ignore the rules…”
Congratulations, Tendai. You have just summed up your lack of success in one phrase. Rules? Life, love and sex is not a damn rulebook! That’s why we call it an adventure! There are only two certainties; we are all born, and we will all die; nothing else is guaranteed-NOTHING!
People don’t come with guarantees, and neither do relationships. There is no reward without risk, no gain without the possibility of loss. Consider the turtle; he can pull in his legs, pull in his head, pull in his tail, and close his shell up tight…and sit there in the dark, immobile, unable to see where he’s trying to go, much less get there; or, he can open his shell, stick his head and neck out, extend his legs, and swim or walk to reach the objective, however slowly, and at some risk of being hurt. Then again, the turtle in his shell, all closed up, is not so totally safe, for an eagle may come along, pick him up and drop him on a rock… in which case, he dies without having lived at all!
Now, it is true, that we expect men to be bold, and daring; and women to be more cautious and risk averse; but I will also tell you that in my 68 years on this planet, all the people I have known who lived life to the fullest, and got the most from it, were the ones who were willing to take a chance, get knocked down, get hurt, get discouraged…and get up and do it again, and again. True, a woman can get away with timidity more than a man can…but the very best of them don’t try; they understand that great passion carries with it the prospect of great pain…and great joy.
You speak as if women have a monopoly on emotional pain and vulnerability; this is not so. The man who invests himself passionately in a woman, runs the same risk of being hurt you do; the man who cares enough to be open to love when it comes along puts his own emotional vulnerability on the line, as much as you do.
I think it is a great shame, that so many men use caring as a bargaining chip, to get sex, just as I think it a shame that so many women use sex as a bargaining chip, to get commitment. Both misuse a great gift, I think. A man stifles his best instincts for kindness and empathy; a woman gives up potential ecstasy; and both lose.
There is, of course, a downside to being bold and daring; the world is full of weak naysayers, quick to say “I told you so!” and call someone else a fool when they fail taking a risk that the timid, hidebound to convention critic will not dare. The frightened rabbit, crouching trembling in its form, finds a perverse validation of its own cowardice in seeing the soaring eagle get its wings clipped.
Callie says
Correct me if I’m wrong but doesn’t Evan have rules? And isn’t one of them for women don’t sleep with someone you aren’t in a monogamous relationship with? And isn’t the reason for that because of exactly what Tendai stated, that men often will happily have sex with you and then never call again?
I think you might be being a bit hard on Tendai there.
Buck25 says
Callie,
The problem with “rules” is that rules assume that every situation and every new person you meet is all the same. It seems to me, that life doesn’t work that way. Take the assumption (and that’s exactly what it is, an assumption), that “men will often happily have sex with you, and never call you again.” True, some men will do that, but the guy who does, is NOT someone you’d want to have stay in your life in the first place, now is he? On the other hand, a man who genuinely likes and respects women will also bed you, but only if he cares enough to want you to have as amazing a time with him, as he has with you, whether that lasts three weeks, three months, or thirty years (and there’s never going to be a guarantee as to which it’s going to be). You could walk out the door tomorrow, and get hit by a truck; so could he. Either of you could get sick, and never be well again; you might grow together, in time, or grow apart; the only thing certain, in life, is uncertainty. One thing I’ve learned, as I’ve re-examined my life and direction, is that all we really have, is now. Yesterday’s gone. None of us are promised a tomorrow, either to hope for, or to dread.
I’m not suggesting that anyone make thoughtless choices; I’m suggesting that you know yourself enough, to trust yourself to take intelligent risks, when your gut tells you it’s ok, without congratulating yourself when it goes right, or beating yourself up when it goes wrong, and without relying on some arbitrary “rule”.
I think we like “rules” because we think they make it easier; it always feels safer and easier to follow the conventional wisdom even when it’s foolish, or doesn’t apply in the situation; gives us a ready made excuse (or at least an explanation) for failure; something besides we just guessed wrong, or miscalculated. We all have fears; some of them are real, some just imagined. We’re afraid of death, or physical harm; we’re afraid of family or social disapproval, of the judgment of our peers. Some fears are real, some exist primarily (or only) in our imagination. There’s a funny thing about fear, though; when you’re too busy focused on what you want to do, and need to do in the moment, there’s just no time to be afraid. It happens with soldiers in combat; I’ve seen it, and experienced it. It also happens when you’re so into giving, and enjoying, with someone, right here, right now, that you don’t have time to think about what you are or aren’t going to get from them in return later. I’ve experienced that too, and not just with sex.
Everybody wants a guarantee; wan’t that the title of this thread? A woman wants a guarantee, that the guy who sleeps with her tonight, won’t forget her tomorrow. A guy wants a guarantee, that the woman he invests some time and money and hope in dating for a month isn’t going to drop him tomorrow. Well, people aren’t a product, made to specification, and engineered for an expected service life. We want things predictable, we want to feel in control, even when we’re not; we want other people to do what we want and expect, even if that’s not best for them or us; even when all we really control is our own actions and attitude.
So I choose to dare enough to not relate to woman by rules, whether those rules are Evan’s or the “PUA “Rules of the Game”. I’ll talk to anybody, date any woman I feel attracted to, and if she’s ready, and if I care enough to try to make her experience with me as good or better than mine with her, without expecting anything more in return, then I’ll have sex with her. What I won’t do, is lie, or make any promises I don’t know I can keep, in the process.
I’m not going to quote it here, Callie, but read Kipling’s poem “If”. Then re-read it. It’s advice to a young man, but I think it’s pretty good advice for a woman too.
Callie says
Actually I’m not a fan of “rules” myself, Buck, but I just thought it was interesting on a site that has several you got quite so indignant specifically towards a woman just following the rules as the site here suggested, even going so far as to tell her that was the reason for her lack of success. I guess I just thought you agreed with Evan on such things. I guess I was wrong. Nonetheless, I dunno, it doesn’t sit well to me to berate a woman for essentially saying exactly what Evan has said in the past on a site that encourages such “rules”.
And thanks for the recommendation, I’m good, I don’t actually need any dating advice right now, never followed the rules and did just fine for myself.
(it’s seriously so fascinating to me here that the second you have empathy for someone else others assume you’re actually speaking about yourself. Like the times I’ve defended women who aren’t stereotypically good looking, or the other times I defended women who need a lot of time before getting physical with men, or in this case a woman using the rules as she’s been told to. Each time I get told that I’m must just be like the woman I’m defending, when I have yet to be. It’s like people can’t fathom that someone could come to the defence of someone who wasn’t just like them. Fascinating stuff)
Buck25 says
@ Callie,
Wow, just wow. You read a lot more into that than I intended to put there.
There was no intent to “berate” ANYONE, not Tendai, and not you. I was trying to illustrate a point, that life is too short, and the good moments in it too rare, to live it in slavish conformity to some supposed “rules” instead of following one’s own heart and mind in each situation. I tried, (I thought) to inspire and uplift, not to condemn and degrade; I see that both the intent and the message have been lost, and further that an attempt to explicate what I have come to believe and why I advocated what I did in my original was taken as a personal attack instead.
I have a great deal of admiration for what Evan is attempting to do here; there is much to be said for the idea of both genders trying to relate to each other, as we are, not as we wish we might be. However, I feel no obligation to agree with him, (or anyone else) in every particular, and on this point, I do not. Simple as that. I’m sorry you took this as “indignant”, patronizing, or an attempt to pick a fight; it was not; merely an attempt to express a point of view. However, I do believe that what I advocated in both the original post and the follow-on is sound, and I stand by it.
Callie says
I appreciate your explanation and understand now better your intention. Maybe as a word of advice I could suggest in future you not tell a woman that you know exactly why she’s unsuccessful in her dating life (we actually don’t know if she even is at all), that she thinks that women alone have a monopoly on emotional pain, and basically call her a coward and compare her to a frightened rabbit. I get you moved off to speak more generally, but she was your jumping off place and thus ultimately ends up being where your words also land.
To inspire you need to also be generous, assume the best in people, not the worst. Something to keep in mind for next time.
Buck25 says
Callie, a few additional thoughts.
I’m not “indignant” at Tendai’s attitude; why should I be? I don’t know her or date her, so nothing she says or does hurts me, or ever can. I do feel a bit bad for her though, because it seems to me, that she not only got hurt by a guy or guys who slept with her, then dropped her (that’s not her fault); she’s continuing to let the experience steal joy she might have now (and that is her fault). Her whole tone, as I read it is, “I got hurt, so now I’m going to make sure I don’t get used/hurt by a man ever again, even if I hurt myself now by dwelling on it”. To me, that’s pretty much like the guy who invested his time money and energy in dating a woman, hoping for a regular girlfriend, sex, validation, or an ongoing relationship, and didn’t get it; so now he decides he’s not going to “get used” ever again, and so resents making an investment with the next woman, unless he has some sort of “guarantee” as to the outcome. (I’ve heard this one here, repeatedly, and once upon a time, I thought a little like that myself). He won’t get hurt…and chances are he won’t get anything else, either. I already said that; I thought it was pretty clear I wasn’t picking on Tendai, or women in general. This fixation on outcome is not a “woman problem”, it’s a people problem; but I guess you didn’t read that part.
I assumed NOTHING about you; you projected that attitude on me, (like I’ve seen you project it on other men here, incidentally). I’ve seen enough of your content before to know that you always rise to the defense of another woman at the first hint of what you see as a male attack of any kind, real or imagined. That’s a sensitivity of yours, and it’s fine; just acknowledge that it makes you a bit “quick on the trigger” as I think you showed in this instance. That’s your issue, I have no obligation to tiptoe around it, and I’m going to insist that you own it, because I won’t. Just so you know, I’m still not here to win your (or anyone else’s) approval. I’m here to discuss, provoke thought, and learn, not blow sunshine up your skirt, or anyone else’s. I’ve dished out some tough love to men here too, and I won’t stop that either. You like some of what I say lately; that’s fine; you don’t like some of it, that’s fine too. Just because I change as I grow, doesn’t mean everybody here, you included, is going to agree with all of what I think or say, and that’s ok too. I don’t fear your criticism, and I’m not going to muzzle myself or run and hide from tough questions to avoid it, nor will I apologize for not toeing the party line here, whatever that is. I don’t say that to be mean, or hostile; I say it in the same spirit of self-assertion you make comments in.
Fran says
Beautifully put.
Shari says
JimmyE – I think I could agree with what you said about rejection in context to those things that happened to me, but I wasn’t the one asking them, and they weren’t the ones saying “yes” then backing out one me. They were the ones asking me. My conclusion is that, at that time, I was their best option for next Saturday night – or whenever the date may have been. But then a better option came to them and they traded up. Quite a few of these guys who broke second dates before they happened would contact me a few weeks later and ask for that second date again. I didn’t say yes, just agreed with whatever their reason had been for breaking the second date – you’re right, there is no chemistry, there is no spark, I didn’t think about you constantly while we were apart – or whatever.
In my deduction I blame the Internet for this and not a gender, or even personality type. There are too many options and some people – not going to qualify this to guys or girls – don’t want to tie themselves to this person who seems okay, when someone else comes around who might be better.
Mary says
Hey Adam-
Where do you live?
Mel says
I went on a “great date” after some marathon phone conversations with this guy. We hit it off great on the phone, so we were excited to meet each other, and we seemed to hit it off great in person, too. We did not sleep together that night, though we certainly fooled around quite a bit, and knew we both wanted each other. He called the next day, and 2 days after that. On that 2nd phone call, we didn’t make plans for the weekend (it was only Monday) but I just (wrongly, apparently) assumed it was understood we would be together that next weekend. When we got off the phone he said we’d speak during that week. I never heard from him again! I would have been much more prepared if I hadn’t heard from him after the night we went out, but c’mon, guys, why 2 more phone calls and then the vaporizing act? He still goes online, I have seen him. I did take that one personally at first, but over the course of the last 2 weeks came to realize it has nothing to do with me at all and everything to do with his issues. Still, it is frustrating.
caron says
Better to know right away, rather then several months into it.
Not Jerry says
Mel,
Why don’t you text him a nice greeting?
Maybe he needs a little reinforcement from you. We’re all adults here. If you get the chance, depending on what he says, just say what you want!
Post back and say what happens. I’d be very interested.
Tendai says
One date is like nothing to a man so if I was you ignore this incident and go back online enjoy yourself forget him he’s probably not looking for anything serious and after you didn’t put out on date one he knows you’re a good girl and is hunting for an easy lay.
kk says
If I just want sex, I have sex. If I want a LTR , I hold off on the sex until I feel confident we are going somewhere. At least that’s the new leaf I’m turning over! This is after being dumped with no warning 8 weeks into a relationship with someone I met online— and who I saw every weekend- and talked to a lot …I realized that I’m just sick of making myself that vulnerable before I even know the person properly.. This means less sex , but less annoyance and heartbreak, and, lets face it, less random squalor too! I’m 12 weeks or so into the new regime, lets see how it goes!
ally says
I am on board with what you’re calling your new regime. I met a guy online who called me every day for over a month and we talked for hours every conversation. Our first date was nice and he was the perfect gentleman. A little fooling around but nothing much. The 2nd time we were together after being apart for a month (he lives in another state and travels constantly for work), I invited him into town to stay at my place, and well yes, had sex and I thought everything was going well. He broke it to me the next morning that his plans changed and he was going to head out early which turned out to be that evening (Saturday) rather than the following morning (Sunday) as was our original plan. Said it was a family event. I got really mad. My gut gut told me it wasn’t true and I felt like he was going to see someone else and in addition was furious that he didn’t want to stay the night. I told him off and showed him a side of me that wasn’t nice. He asked if we could spend the remainder of the day together and I told him No, that he better leave right then. So he did. And I haven’t heard from him with the exception of one e-mail exchange defending himself that it was “not a one-nighter”. I don’t know why he put so much effort in for over a month to wind up staying less than 2 days with me when we had originally planned for the whole weekend. I too am tired of being vulnerable when I don’t know these people. It is a recipe for heartbreak. I would rather have no sex and give myself a shot at a Long Term Relationship. I feel like I should have learned this by now!
Tanisha says
In some cases it doesn’t matter how long you hold out abstain from sex some guys will patiently wait and then still not call or disappear. I learned over the years to ask questions up front. Most guys reveal their true intentions within 2 weeks. Once they do you must not go against what you believe. There are times when I just want to casual date. No strings attached . It depends on my mood and the situation.
Geek Dating says
I think some of you are underestimating most men. Sure there will always be the odd sleaze bag who is only after sex, but the majority of decent guys view sex as a bonus to a relationship, not the be all and end all.
Tendai says
im not underestimating men I’ve come across six decent guys in like thirteen years of my dating life and some stuck around behaving ok long as they got sex and believed they where in charge . Then the rest sorry to say really arseholes I remember I refused to have sex with an ex after he said something horrible to me I wasn’t in the mood and that week I broke it off as I didn’t want to be intimidated or frightened that I couldn’t say no then there was time when I was told by a male former friend if I opened my legs people would be more willing to help me out when I’m stressed going sorry 80% of men are nice depending on sex, I can’t trust them anymore,
hunter says
Tendai,
..an older man no longer needs sex, otherwise, as for young men, a large portion of a mans brain is built for sex, much larger than what is found in the female brain….sorry to break the news..
Colette says
I have to appreciate the brutal honesty of Evan’s response. Evan, I recognize that you’ve changed and I think by publishing the truth you’re doing a great service.
Apparently there are a few girls capable of what Evan says guys do, but my guess is only a very very few, and half of those girls are lying to themselves. That’s what makes the whole idea so successful. There may actually only be a smallish portion of men who act this way, but they are quite active and are a real factor in the prolific dating scene of the 21st century. I happen to think there are plenty of guys who don’t think that just dating for the sake of sexual activity is okay if it’s going to hurt someone’s feelings… they just don’t need to date as often because they actually want to get to know that first awesome girl they take out. This is really important to point out, because otherwise a girl could come away from this post feeling pretty bleak about the goodness of most men.
What Evan is saying is that on one hand you have girls, and sometimes guys too, who are having a fabulous time on a date because they are so excited that they’ve finally met someone who’s smart, funny, polite, sexy, a good listener, and who would be a great person to have around in life; while on the other hand you have some guys (and a very very few girls) who are having just as much of a fabulous time, and seem to be just as giddy, for the simple reason that they see a decent likelihood of having sex, maybe even that night. Apparently the likelihood of having sex is so intoxicating that the mere thought makes everything that happens that evening just delightful. These guys tell themselves that they are not being shallow because if the girl puts out for a few months without expecting to hear from him very often, he is reserving the right eventually to have feelings for her – this is called the “grey” area. This is also called “just being a guy.”
Part of me can’t decide if I – a single girl looking for a real connection – really want to know this. The next time I’m out with an attractive guy who is just effortlessly beaming at every word I say, I’ll have the insider’s knowledge not to take this necessarily as a special moment in my life. Sure, it could be that he feels he’s found his new best friend. It could also be that he’s just sublimely psyched to get laid. If the prospect is that all-consuming, then I guess I can see why it would take no pretending at all to display such excitement.
Evan mentions that guys and girls seem to be having a lot more sex with strangers. Call me crazy, but that doesn’t seem like such a good thing. I think there are a lot of fair reasons for it – girls are more liberated and there’s less stigma for a woman to be sexually active (and amen to that). Also, people are waiting much longer to get married, which means a lot more time to figure out what they’re looking for in and out of bed. It also means a lot more time and a lot more women with which men can practice the art of the delightfully meaningless date. I just don’t think many women have caught up with that idea yet – after all, the pill has only been around for about 50 years. Before then, we couldn’t afford to take the risk of falling for meaningless delight. That’s nice that now we can control the physical risks of sex with someone who’s on the way out the door – but we still need to account for the emotional risks, which are much more real for women than men (read up on oxytocin, girls). Maybe men would have to be more grounded in what they expect out of a date if the likelihood of sex with no strings wasn’t so high, and if women would wise up and get back to the practice of not hooking up with guys they might fall for unless they’ve gotten some commitment (in other words, Evan’s readership needs to skyrocket). This doesn’t mean undoing the feminist movement and saying no to sex, it just means taking 30 seconds to clarify that neither of the two involved will be seeing other people.
Meanwhile, I think it would be an impressive next step in the evolutionary process if these sex-addicted guys would leave their caves and join modern men who see women as fellow modern human beings and not just heartless pairs of boobs. And to the nice guys who get this already: stop high-fiving your buddy who just bagged the nice cute girl who adores him. He’s a prick. You know you don’t want to be him. Maybe you should tell him so.
ally says
Great post!
DrEmily says
Terrific post Colette! I agree with you 110%, as a clinical psychologist and as a single woman in her 30’s attempting to navigate the dating scene for quite some time now. I wholeheartedly agree with you that many of the women out there who’ve “learned” how to have meaningless sex with no strings attached are actually paying a price for it emotionally (and sometimes physically as well). I am not judging them at all, as I have been there myself. And I hear about the price of “sexual freedom” in depth in therapy sessions with young women. It makes me wonder: Why should the ability to be detached enough to have meaningless sex with men you may never see again be a goal for the modern woman? It almost feels like women as a group have embraced the “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” mentality. I just don’t think it’s wise for women to try to join that camp, and try to beat emotionally detached men, or men who are just not ready yet for a mature relationship, at this particular game. Shouldn’t we be encouraging men (through our behavior) to raise their standards for behavior as a group, rather than say that we can be as careless with ourselves and others as some men are? (Some men, not all men). It seems to me that women are better off protecting themselves from these kinds of men as best they can. While there’s no foolproof way of doing this that’s effective in 100% of situations, one of the best, most effective ways women can protect their hearts (and their bodies from disease and unwanted pregnancies) is to wait to have sex. Think about it: what kind of world would this be if more people waited to have sex? Sex is a beautiful and powerful thing, but it can be very destructive when it’s not respected and entered into with some thought (for oneself and for the other person).
Polyguy says
You mix up commitment with exclusivity. not meeting other people is not commitment it is exclusivity, going into an LTR is commitment.
I can understand that for many people it comes as a package, but we have not anymore a one size fits all society (more of a “how do you want it customized”).
Needtomention says
Look sometimes women can have sex with no feeling involved to the person they are having sex with, and a woman can have sex with someone because of feelings of love and emotion. I was one of those women who wanted to wait until I was married to have sex – I had two serious boyfriends without ever doubting that and we never went that far. In the 3rd relationship, we were serious and neither of us had had sex before and talked about it beforehand. I always think that if you can’t talk about it, you aren’t ready to do it. I felt ready and did it – only to find out from him months later that he only began dating me for that reason. It didnt matter to me at that point, that his feelings had evolved and he did love me and want to be with me, his initial intention in dating me was simply to get laid. He knew how important it was to me, how big of a step it was for me, and yet he still told me this fact. What was the point of that? We ended up still having a long term and fulfilling relationship emotionally, but after i found that out, our sex life was never the same and mostly functional. To keep this rambling story shorter, I did eventually break it off and it took me a year to get over it – but sex became a thing connectes soley with those feelings and him and I need to end that in my head. So I met a incredibly hot guy in town on vacation and had instant chemistry with him, and ended up having sex with him, making him my second. I don’t regret it the least and never saw him after that night – and I dont have negative feelings attached to it – only happiness that sex could finally be a positive experience for me. Sometimes a one night stand is what the doctor ordered.
Tendai says
I think concented sex is ok. Not every guy is commitment material but if you agree and are honest to each other it’s ok. Stop the sister Mary Margaret the Virgin business we are in 2016
hunter says
tendai,
“stop the sister Mary Margaret the virgin business”……you are funny…Hollywood is always hiring good comedians…
hunter says
posts #15 & 16#
..good posts, my applause!…
yoyo says
I always say if you want a realtionship cool and if you don’t move on… I will do the same if I’m interested in a guy and he acts like he is not ready for a relationship. We can’t wait for a men to decide what they want…
John says
Someone’s been dragged through the dirt quite a few times with that response. Seems you’ve been used and abused.
Tendai says
Keep to yourself
Hadley Paige says
Collete #15 writes: ” if women would wise up and get back to the practice of not hooking up with guys they might fall for unless they’ve gotten some commitment. . . This doesn’t mean undoing the feminist movement and saying no to sex, it just means taking 30 seconds to clarify that neither of the two involved will be seeing other people. ”
While this information may be wise to obtain for women seeking an LTR & an efficient way to get there, my suspicion is that this “30 second clarification” raised on a first date would lead in to a significant percentages of first dates also being the last date; Or if “clarified” prior to acceptance of a first date, would lead to a cancellation of the first date in a significant percentage of cases. I suspect that in this modern dating environment where women go out with men who picked them up; or have casually met, that women will just have to put the time in to find out what that man is truly like and run those risks (or go back to introductions from trusted friends, relatives and associates).
sapphire says
I don’t think relationships are better after premarital sex… Premarital sex is adultry…because adultry affects your relationship in the future… You should try not to concentrate The relationship on sex much at all…in the end relationships hold on to what you’ve built from the relationship…you don’t need permarital sex to assure your relationship just as it seems that you need to be reassured by a stupid phone call after sex…tell your stupid boyfriend to begin to start waiting for sex until after marriage, because first you have to build a different type of relationship like trust (which will help women give themselves to their boyfriends wholly, especially after marriage) and compatibility….then sex will be great and trust will keep you from getting worried … There is more to this but I can’t think much more because I have other things in mind peach out
Tendai says
I don’t know where you will find a man who waits for sex sapphire guys nowhere days really really pressure and badger girls for sex I have a rule no male visitors at my house and I don’t go to men’s houses even friends . I am tired of the way I’m turned into just a shagg even though I don’t drink I go to church I don’t sleep around no I don’t dress like a tart but as I’m saying guys try and try to a point where I feel like saying fuck off go and harass someone else
Buck25 says
sapphire,
If you’re going to moralize about adultery (you do appears to have an unusual concept of what that actually is) you might trouble yourself to learn how to spell the word (along with the generally accepted definition of same).
hunter says
on post #20
Adultery is defined as, the sex act of, either one or both partners married(not to each other), engaging in sexual intercourse.
hunter says
If you want to hang with the crowd, you have to know the lingo!…..LOL!….They’ll see you coming!…
moonsical says
This is an easy one: don’t sleep with someone you aren’t already in relationship with. I haven’t had this problem for decades…actually, maybe not ever.
moon
scorchin' says
Why is is the girls always seem to be waiting for the guy to call after sex. Girls- if you want to talk to the guy you just laid, call him. Whats the big deal?
JaneD says
I really dont know what is wrong with my dates but it doesnt metter if I sleep with a guy or not they usually lose their interest pretty quick! I consider myself somewhat attractive woman with a distinguished taste for style and fashion.I meet most men online due to the nature of my job and because Im not very socialy active! I am starting to believe that online dating is a huge deception because a person,or at least me start to like the other person I talk to for week or two , we share interesting conversation and it seem that we would “click” in person as well and then when I finaly meet that person even if he shows affection and interest on the first date its gonna turn out disastrous in the near future and unfortunately it always does for me.I become the abandoned one..for what reason I never know! I am starting to believe that this just might be my destiny but I dont want to be the only passenger on the boat that is slowly sinking down because I know there should be a great guy out there that is genuine and real!!
Willowandy says
As Karl D has already posted a lot, I will just say very briefly that this does not only happen to women.
hunter says
Jane D, I’d prefer not to date co-workers, (because of messy experiences) but, according to census, I believe it is, almost 60% of “shipping while relating,”(relationships), happen at work.
Sayanta says
Adam-
Call me.
Karl R says
JaneD said: (#25)
“I am starting to believe that online dating is a huge deception”
“its gonna turn out disastrous in the near future and unfortunately it always does for me.”
“I become the abandoned one..for what reason I never know!”
“I am starting to believe that this just might be my destiny”
I have several questions. How does your dating turn out to be “disastrous”? I’ve had a number of dates through online dating. The “worst” outcomes were, “I don’t think you’re the type of person I’m looking for.” That doesn’t even qualify as a bad outcome. These women probably weren’t the type I was looking for either, and they were perceptive enough to figure it out before I was. That’s just the normal odds at work.
How does an online date “abandon” you? Do they take you on a date, then strand you with no way to get home? If not, what are they doing that you feel qualifies as abandonment? Is it just that they’re breaking up with you or failing to call you again?
I can see two possibilities for what might be happening with your dating.
#1 You’re managing to date a lot of abusive and horrible men, and your dates turn out to be disasters. If this is the case, you might want to examine what it is that draws you to this type of man. Once you start dating nice, considerate men, your dates will be much better … even if your dating still doesn’t lead to a long-term relationship.
#2 You have adopted an attitude where you see yourself as the perpetual victim. If a man isn’t interested enough to want to pursue a relationship, you view it as “abandonment” or “disastrous”. You believe the universe has somehow singled you out to have a lonely, loveless life. If this is your attitude toward dating, you’re going to drive any high-quality men away. The only men who will be attracted to this attitude are victimizers who are drawn to victims.
I have two pieces of advice that might help you:
Change your expectations:
Let’s say only 1 in 5 of the women that I contact end up going on a first date with me. Let’s say that only 1 in 5 of my first dates ends up becoming a long term relationship. If that’s the case, 96% of the women I contact don’t become long-term girlfriends. That sounds like lousy odds, doesn’t it?
But I only need one long-term girlfriend. So if I contact one new woman per week, it will take me around 6 months to get into a long-term relationship. I just have to put in the time and effort, and it will become a reality. That’s rather encouraging.
Change your attitude:
I go on a date with the intention of enjoying myself and getting to know the lady better. If I succeed in doing both of those, it’s a good date. Even if I decide that I don’t want to date the lady again (or she decides that she never wants to date me again), it was still a good first date.
It’s still possible that I could have a disastrous date (the lady steals my wallet, or she’s unspeakably rude to me and everyone around), but it hasn’t happened yet.
As a final suggestion, you might want to become more socially active. Socially active people have interesting things going on in their lives. That makes them more interesting people. Interesting people get more dates.
JoJOe says
AWESOME AWESOME advice, and very insightful.
Yes. Always go in with as much expectation as you put in.
By your math, I’ll be in a long-term relationship within 3 months.
Maybe sooner. So… can I bask in my my now and allow social engagements be a relaxing adventure, certainly.
I’m not looking for next weeks disaster, I’m looking for this life’s masterpiece. In the meanwhile I work on this, me, my masterpiece in the present. I’m certain there is a man out there doing the same thing, thinking the same thoughts. I am certain that those 6 degrees of separation will be 6 baby steps to unification. It’s the law of attraction and I’m becoming a powerful magnet.
Kudo’s
kris says
Jeez Karl, I think you are exactly the example of what women fear when entering the dating world. You expect to date a different woman each week for 6 months before finding one you feel worthy of a second date? Thats like 24 women! Who are you, George Clooney??? That to me sounds like you burn thru women like a serial dater until you find what….100% perfection??? I can almost guarantee you have left a lot of great women wondering why they didn’t get a call back for a second date. If you have to go thru stacks of women like that to find one who you feel is good enough, you are not giving these women a chance to show you who they really are. I read stuff like this and it discourages me from wanting to date at all.
brea says
Honey,the guy meant that there’s a possibility of finding a LTR in every 6 women he meets,this could be the first,third or the sixth woman,doesn’t mean he’s playing a game of numbers or toying around with women till he goes for the sixth date or whatever number,am a lady and his was the best comment I read,did you ever study statistics baby?
hunter says
brea, I agree with you…
Jennifer says
This is great advice, not just for women, but people in general. Your attitude and how you react to things determines what kind of life you have. If you constantly play the victim, you will always be a victim.
And to the person who gave you a hard time and asked if you were “George Clooney”…what does that make women who expect every guy they date or hang out with to fall in love with them?
There is nothing wrong with having options and getting to know multiple people to find the right person for you.
I have never tried to find or purposely be in a LTR, it’s always been something that just happens naturally. I think the best thing a woman can do is live her life, find true joy and happiness and when the time is right, the right man will come along.
hunter says
Jennifer, I like your choice of words, “something that just happens naturally”…..
brea says
Thumbs up,really
Sayanta says
“its gonna turn out disastrous in the near future and unfortunately it always does for me.”
Actually, I have a small anecdote about this- I met a guy online a while ago- he e-mailed me to say ‘u free tonight’ just like that. Now, I like it when a guy gives me a little notice, so I said, maybe sometime next week instead. He did the ‘u free tonite’ thing twice and then got the hint and we planned for something the following weekend.
We met at a bar- the guy had a scowl on his face for some reason (he was friendly over the phone). I couldn’t imagine why, but I just tried easing into friendly conversation. oh my god, for an hour (I can’t believe I stayed that long, but I’d ordered food, which he didn’t offer to pay for either) all he did was complain about every single thing that’s wrong with life, not in a whiny way, but an angry way, like he wanted to punch someone. Every time I tried to say something pleasant, he tried to pick a fight with me! Then a neighbor of his happened to show up at the bar- this is a college town- and the guy turned away and acted like he didn’t know me until the neighbor had left. Yes, this was a female neighbor, but she was with her boyfriend. They kept looking at me, surprised probably, that I was putting up with this guy.
Anyway, I left five minutes after that. The guy actually looked surprised that I was leaving!
The reason I bring this up is because it turned me off of online dating for months. Only because the guy had been pleasant on the phone. So I thought, if I’m going to get a nasty surprise like this every time I go out, forget this whole business. Yech.
Sayanta says
“This is an easy one: don’t sleep with someone you aren’t already in relationship with.”
lol- well, I totally agree with you there, as you’ve prob’y figured out from my other posts. But the thing is, the guys aren’t going want relationships unless we sleep with them first.
Tendai says
lol yes the dilemma of sex or no relationship there’s a solution. To that shut those legs good and proper until you meet he’s family enough times and he’s friends make him work for it. If he likes you he will wait trust me .
Sayanta says
“Socially active people have interesting things going on in their lives. That makes them more interesting people. Interesting people get more dates.”
I would MUCH prefer to meet men through a venue other than online dating- but unfortunately, the kind of interests I have- art gallery tours, museums, plays, etc. only attract other women.
At least I have a ton of female friends to hang out with though.
Maria says
I appreciate this post as I have had a similar experience and wanted to share. I have probably met over 30 men from online dating sites over the past year, and that is after e-mail and phone screenings and trying to be “particular.” Of the thirty or so in person meet-ups (which I do not classify as a date), i have only gone out on multiple dates with one man that I felt there was enough chemistry and potential. Sure enough by the third actual date, the guy brought me a gift, and our marathon date ended at 2am following swapping a massage and what I considered great sex. He said and did all the right things to get it to that point, and yet following our third date I received a text message from him the following day to say he had a great time and hope I was having a great day. Just as Evan suggested, no call and no making plans to see me again. I knew darn well I could phone him and initiate more nights of passion (secretely I wanted to because the sex was good, and I do have needs.) However, I did not and am not going to pursue it because it is obvious he’s just not that into me, and my goal is a long term relationship. It’s a little heartbreaking because its hard enough to meet someone you like enough to go there with, and when its not mutual (or mutual enough) it stings. But, that is dating for you. I must accept and move on. Thanks everyone for this thread, it helps to know I’m not alone.
hunter says
Maria, you met 30 men from online dating sites. Good for you!…
Maria says
I have! I unfortuantely havent met the right one yet, but not for lack of putting in the time and effort. I go through phases where I meet two or three and then meet no one for a couple weeks. I am getting more discerning and particular as it still requires alot of effort/time to prepare for and attend a date. Initially I was getting my feet wet after a 10 year marriage, now they have to be date worthy.
Em says
To Adam, you sound wonderful! That said, I actually find it kind of exciting that men are so sex driven. It’s just that I wish more of them could have sex while also being excited about the woman, about the possibility of falling in love with her. We need more men like you, in any case!
InaccessibleRail says
Sayanta #30- This isn’t true! There are some guys who won’t continue to date if you don’t put out on the first date, but guess what? Those guys usually wind up being one night stands anyways. (And I know this-I was in the greek system at a university, and here were a lot of my friends dating the same guys I had gone out with- a lot of them had their hearts broken by the guys who didn’t see me again after I didn’t put out on the first night. Trust me, you will weed out some guys by not putting out early on, but theyre the same ones who would eliminate THEMSELVES early on AFTER sleeping with you. All you lose is the feeling of emptiness after giving your body to someone who could give a s— less.
Also, I should probably mention that this approach doesn’t leave me “dateless”. In fact, I really don’t have to date much at all, I tend to just go from one LTR to another. Yeah,. there are no guarantees, and none of those have resulted in marriage (there’s just no way to tell until youve put in the time), but they’ve all given me the unique and wonderful experiene of being COURTED by them, as opposed to the generally homogenous experience of just having a one-night stand.
So yeah, wait until you’re in a relationship. I made this one wait until 30 days AFTER we got into a relationship, and so far things are going great! 😉
ally says
Good advice!
Sayanta says
#36-
You’ve given me hope, sister…
Shil says
I’ve always been the one to tell my friends not to put out on the first date if they expect to see the guy again. I have one friend in particular who has gone from heartbreak to heartbreak because she kept on sleeping with men as soon as they made it clear that’s what they want. She ends up being the one leaving unanswered messages, drunk calling wondering why it went wrong. Well, it happened to me. I’ve always been in a relationship. My last lasted two years. I think it’s mainly because I only used to hook up with men who pursed me enough to get me interested. Otherwise I always kept away from men who seemed too eager as it was always a put off for me. I like men to work for my attention. I broke up with my ex because I was moved to another country in a company transfer. We both didn’t want a long distance relationship so we ended just ended it. After two months, I haven’t met anyone because all I do was work, work so I haven’t made any new friends. So on Christmas day I went for a party that had more men than the ladies. Soon I was getting a lot of attention and I was really enjoying it. The guys who were there were friends of my cousin and he warned me not to get close to any of them because they didn’t have the best habits. But I hadn’t had sex in a while so I ignored him and gave out my number to a lot of them. I only really liked one of them but he made it clear that he just wanted to take me to bed immediately so I avoided him. Sadly, the really good looking one had a girlfriend who was there with him. My cousin took me home when I started to get a bit tipsy. The next day most of them called but I wasn’t quite sure who was who because I hadn’t saved any of their numbers and am very bad with names. Especially foreign sounding ones. One guy sounded really good and insisted on coming over to my place to check on me. I was bored and wanted company so I invited him over. I kinda thought I was sure I knew who it was. It ended up being the guy with the girlfriend. We got to talking and he kept denying that she was his woman although I knew it was. One thing for sure, we had this mad sexual chemistry and the next thing I know we had sex. Immediately after he said he had to leave. I knew that was the only reason he had come and I was pretty much ok with it because hey! I got laid and that’s what I really wanted. He called me a few hours later we talked a bit and he said he’d call me the next day. He hasn’t called since. Thing is I fell for him and haven’t stopped thinking about him. I didn’t think I would fall for him because I really dislike men who cheat on their girlfriends especially in a very open manner. It’s probably the loneliness or the lust but I know one thing for sure I might never even see him again. It’s pretty simple if you like a guy don’t put out on the first date. Am pretty sure even if I didn’t he would probably have tried again a couple of times and maybe just given up along the way. If a man really likes you then sex is not the only thing on his mind. My mother told me if a man likes you he will cross the oceans and seas to be with you no excuses will ever be made. If he is just not that into you, he just ain’t. I know from speaking to my male friends that men like to imagine the woman he is with is a virgin in some sense. And if she comes off as easy in any way that is a sure turn off! Women are always the losers.
Anna says
What if I only want to have sex with him again?
I met this guy who is 10 years older than me ( I am 25) and asked me out. I knew already he was not interested in a LTR, but we both felt really attracted to each other and had sex. After doing it, he described in detail how satisfied he was, and so was I.
We were both out of town for the Holidays, but he sent a couple of messages without saying he wanted to meet again.
My question is, should I interpret that he would be willing to have sex with me again? If so, should I wait for him to call or does the waiting applies also for sex buddies? I just don’t want him to think that I am super enthusiastic for initiating a relation and ruin my possibilities of having sex with him again just because I am making the first move.
Kenley says
Anna,
If all you truly want to be is sex buddies, then waiting does not apply. He is not trying to win you over and vice versa. You both already know that you only want sex. So, you are well with in your “rights” to give him a booty call. Just make certain that a sex buddy is all you want him to be. If you are thinking about him and worrying about his feelings and what he might think about you, he is not good booty call material. The primary reason men like to have booty calls is because they are basically no maintenance encounters. They don’t care about the woman or think about her until they want sex. That’s how you have to approach it as well. If you can’t in general or with this man in particular, you really aren’t a good candidate for casual hook ups. I don’t think there needs to be any shame either way. But just understand what you are getting into.
ella says
bottom line why dont guys call/talk to you after the fact.
Carol says
I am for one of those who have been to the mountain. I have had the sex, and I spoke to the man that same day when he left. But after that, I have tried twice to reach him via phone two weeks apart, and it went to voicemail. RED FLAG! I was born at night, but it wasn’t last night. You don’t want to talk to me?! Two can play at that game. “Out of sight, out of mind”. He verbalily said I was his girlfriend, but he treats me this way? I don’t think so… (Lesson) You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. In this case you have to look at it from a perspective that it NOT YOURS. It was just sex. that is it, MOVE ON. Don’t get use to he/she until they make an appearance the next day, and the day after that. PLEASE on your toes for the stalkers….
Lisa says
I was divorced several years ago and I have recentlty entered the dating scene. I have experienced some ya-hoos cross my path over the course of the past six months and one thing I have discovered is that they all have their own angle on how to “draw” a woman in. After several months of dating, and lacking sex for three years, I finally met a nice man. I refused all the other men in the past to sleep with because their dating tactics were cheesy and tacky. In other words, it was obvious they would be the ones to play you. So, I meet this nice man, we go out a few times and my goodness, the sparks and the chemistry, I had so been longing to feel a man, so I decide HE is the one I will sleep with. I tucked the notion in the back of my mind that I could potentially not have a relationship with this guy. The sex was great. It was several hours after he left my place that I contacted him as we had spoke the previous night about going on a double date, which he accepted. So after I contacted him about getting together that nite for the double date, he kept changing the subject. Finally I told him I needed to go and wished him a good nite. We have not spoken since. He has made no attempt to contact me or try to set up a date. Yet, prior to the sex, we spoke very nite and meeting up and going out. Explain that one? I then realized I may have just been played…and Iam ok with it and then again I am not. Simply because I feel as though I was deceived. I have learned something from all of this. There is a little bit of player in all of us. And I am learning the game. You will win some and you will lose some; but each new man affords me a greater insight to what I WANT. And let’s face it ladies, it should be about us. If he were to call me, I would go out with him again, because I want to, regardless of what he thinks or even if there was a motive on his part. In turn, I set my boundaries as well, by not contacting him again either. So, I’ve sent my own message, not because Iam hurt he blew me off after having off, but because he assumed I couldn’t handle not being in a relationship with him. It;s his arrogance that turned me off, not his tactics. I own my own life and I control MY life, not him. I have learned not to have expectations and that means AFTER sex as well. Now, there is a certain level of respect that should be shown, but in the grand scheme of things, he owes me nothing, I made a decision based on what I wanted not what I was hoping would come out of it just because I slept with him. In short, nothing should have changed. But with him it did.I enjoyed his company. By him not contacting me, I believe is his way of letting me know his boundaries. Which he has a right to set, whether he played me or not. You know why? Because once again he owed me nothing when I made the decision to sleep with him. Just as I owe him nothing. Him not calling me is his way of letting me know “hey, just because we had sex, doesn’t mean I have to spend every moment with you trying to make you feel better about a mutual decision we both made to have sex.” Period. Now if he is a mature and decent guy he can balance that and we can go back to the PRE-SEX relation we were having. It’s a hard pill to swallow because I liked him and I feel as though it could have gone somewhere; but we all need to accept the fact that as much as we would like the other person to be into us ( I mean after all they were jumping through hoops pre-sex) the behavior should not change post-sex. But with men, it does. Either they feel pressured or spooked, or they needed a ego lift. Either way it’s no reflection on us as woman or our ability or inability to land a good man. This guy may stay gone, but that is a decision he feels is best for him. Now he is missing out on a wonderful woman, and if he can’t see it after sleeping with me, then Iam sure he would be missing alot more of what I can offer in the course of any kind of relationship. Iam sad in a sense because I would have liked to seen where this would have went…and by deciding to sleep with thim, would be the sure fire way to find out, because a man won’t tell you. And if he calls or our paths meet ,then I will tell him this, because one thing a man doesnt expect from a woman (other then for her to be needy and clingy or expecting a relationship), is to be honest with where things could have went or not. By letting a man know you are ok with it BEFORE the sex, and that a disappearing act isn’t necessary, he can stay if he wants or he can go if he wants. Then YOU decide what you want from him, noone— male or female should give up the power and control of the direction of any said relationship because of sex. Too many games and not enough raw honesty I say. Sex or no sex, right or wrong, sleazy or genuine…the bottom line is noone likes rejection, but through it..it can become a huge part of accepting YOURSELF.
fay says
Thank you for your comment Lisa it was very hearfelt, honest, and true. I’m in a similar situation. Met someone I really like, hadn’t had sex in 6 mos and that was my first ons (it was great sex but I won’t be doing that again.) Now this guy, I like him a lot, but i know he won’t commit to me. I don’t really care. I made the decision to have sex, for me, and we became fwb. Even before sex we used to talk every day sometimes for hours. Every time the sex gets better and better. But after this last (best) time he suddenly disappeared. I have adopted the same mentality as you. Who knows what he’s thinking? I knew what I was getting into and I can’t change him. Is it possible for men to get spooked off by great sex? I don’t know but I kind of think, yes. If he can see you’re great but doesn’t for whatever reason want a ltr, he runs. We women shouldn’t be sad about it. It feels sad because I know we could build something together but if he doesn’t want to it’s his loss. You’ll drive yourself crazy wondering where you went wrong, if you can’t accept others behavior at face valu
wildcat says
It seems to me that men are the ones who can not emotionally handle a “friends with benefits” type of relationship? I recently enjoyed an evening with a man. It was a blast. We connected well. Had some awesome random sex. Now I met this man through a friend of mine who I happen to be friends with since we were kids. He “hooked me up” and I “hooked him up” with a friend of mine type of thing. I am a grown woman and know quite well how it works. I am not looking for nor want any type of commitment at this time in my life and it happens to be that that I am purposly choosing unavailable men. I am souly on a mission to have meaningless sex. However, I would like a continious “botty call”. I have been through a few and even though very good times were had they dont call. I think men think we want more than it is. Why is it so hard for them to just be “friends with benefits”. If it was a good time for them than why wouldnt the want to do it again? I could totally be this guys friend and have sex with him on a regular basis with out attachment. If he would call!
chichi_von_b says
hehe, wildcat – I have “almost” the same problem – they think they’re invited back, but end up upset because I just wanted to “see” what was up – nothing else 😉
Reading the article and many of the comments – and having been one of the “loved, lost and in the game again” crowd, I have a hard time swallowing the the rules of “holding out for commitment” thrust upon women any more than I can the “sex-hound-ism” of men.
For the women who find themselves never getting the call back, perhaps you’re really just selecting unavailable guys, or maybe sending off that aroma of “please, please, please call me tomorrow and what are you doing for the rest of your life.”
And for the male half of the equation, I’ve seen plenty of you trying to hard to get laid, then being suprised when you do AND she flips the script and doesn’t want anything further from you!
I’ve watched several of my girlfriends approach each and every date as if “he” was going to be their next chance at “forever love” only to be bitterly disappointed each and everytime. Those same gal pals clicking their tongue and shaking their heads at me for having a much more cavalier attitude about dating. “How can you just ‘give it up’ like that?” they ask. Give up what – sex? my time? a chance at a LTR? A second date?
Hmmph, if the date is great and he’s hot, he may get some, he may not, I may not feel like it, his breath may stink or I’m really thinking about someone else – I get to chose! And if it’s looking like something more serious, sex usually doesn’t rear it’s head for awhile anyway! And trying to have a single booty call boy is a sure way to catching some unwanted feelings, no wonder boys run from regular free lays – it’s better to have a couple of boys to help keep ones mind clear, if you’re going to play that game!
I’ve found the best medicine is to not take sex sooo seriously (aside from STD and unwanted pregnancy prevention), date, have sex, meet people – do your thing. Keep your weekends booked up with new men, different ones, girlfriends, family, etc…then you’re not pondering the one who ain’t calling. And if you find yourself stranded on that Isle of Rumination, immediately head to your “lil black book” and call the next boy. It’s just like Chris Rock says, “new p*ssy always clears you mind.” It works the same way for us gals – and we don’t have to get naked to appreciate the value in that sentiment 😉
Julie says
Lots of great information here and it sure sounds like lots of similarities in the dating scene. What has me confused is after multiple dates and this guy seemingly being really interested in me, he said there was chemistry, was looking for LTR, introduced me to his children and even referenced that being a big deal. We discussed ‘sex’ and he mentioned that he didn’t engage in sex lightly and in fact it was ‘serious’ for him to engage that way. Sex was great, and he asked me to stay the night, we discussed ‘future’ plans such as going on a trip together, plans for the summer, and him wanting to meet my kids. We made plans for a date that next weekend before I left. All great signs..so I thought. I didn’t hear back from him for a few days, so I contacted him and just politely left a ” hi, hope your having a great week ” still nothing.. So I let it go, and decided to move on. Then I get a message from him stating he would marry me in a heartbeat.. ?? Huh? You won’t/don’t communicate yet you would Marry me in a heartbeat? Sounds like games to me.. Thinking he is keeping me as an option perhaps as he pursues others? Or working out some ‘issues’ or who knows what.. Women share what they feel, and are willing to talk, I see and hear Men complaining women just want sex, or play games. .doesn’t everyone realize were teaching one another to behave this way and it’s not working for anyone!!
Diana says
It’s very interesting to read all of the above, but just enjoy live not all encounters end up in a relationship. Despite I think that every person want to know the reason and understand why, it’s impossible. Maybe instead if reading all negative things find a happy blog, go for a walk, just try to enjoy it might be not the last time you get hurt but that only will make you appreciate something real when you find it.
I also met a guy online to whom I use to speak and Skype every day before we met; I came to visit him we spent 4 days together and I never heard from him again. I am not going to lie and say I feel completely indifferent but it’s just what happened, there is a never guarantee that someone will call you back, marry you or it will turn into something special. But the beauty of all things if you willingly to love and make someone else happy because you are happy it will eventually comeJ)))))))))))))))))))))
yumyumfoodrecipes.com says
Well there is no guarantee that after having sex, the guy would be calling you..Unless he likes you a lot and have this little feelings with you.
Fullmoon69 says
Adam, You sound wonderful 🙂
Anna says
I personaly don’t think sex has anything to do with the guy calling you or not. If he likes you he will call wether you sleeping with him on the first date or not.
Think about it sex nowadays is easy anyone can get laid, so if it’s not you it will be someone else. So why not enjoy the experiance, as long as you have fun. What is the harm?
Katarina Phang says
Anna, yes. We’ve been talking back and forth about this on the other thread.
I’m with you in regards of sex. Lighten up, it’s just sex…it won’t kill you just because you have sex because you want it (even if he disappears after that), a huge part of why we are here in the first place.
MH says
I think if he is looking for sex, he will try to press his luck when he first meets you and/or talks to you. I met one man who is a player, who has enticed by one woman who made him go out of his way to find her.
I’ve made myself too available to some men and have felt hurt/used and disappointed because once they get sex, most likely they will never think of you/keep in touch with you after.
drumrdame says
Sapphire: Thank you soooooooooooooo much for telling the Truth. It’s so true that sex b/f marriage is adultery, fornication. There is a reason why God provided these peramiters-to keep us safe. I can’t tell you how painful and long-lasting (whether you want to admit it or not women) the feelings can be after you slept with a guy and he them becomes part of your history and just a memory-negative ones.
Anyhow, it’s not easy at all to find a guy who will wait, Christian or not, but obviously it’s worth it. Yes, a relationship cannot survive on Sex. Sex does not pay the bills, it does not provide answers to problems…
Rachel says
@ no 25 I have the same problem, I have dated many guys from online as I don’t seem to meet any potential dates in real life, some of them I slept with too early and some I waited or didn’t sleep with them at all but all had the same outcome.
They all tell me how great I am and seem really into me then get scared once they feel I like them back, it’s like game over for them.
The latest guy I dated was really into me and we clicked, we eventually slept together and he went all cold on me, he said he didn’t feel we clicked in the bedroom yet he still really fancied me. To be honest I would have rather slept with him earlier to find this out, this is not the first time I have waited only for the guy to say the sex wasnt for him. Yet when I sleep with a date early on they seem to want more, but not a relationship.
I have learned that as a woman I really can’t win whatever I do.
I have given up on dating. It has not made me feel good about myself.
Star says
The dating thing is sooo hard! Just a lot of work, get your hopes up only to have them dashed. The things that have worked for me are… 1) letting a guy know that I am interested in going out with him, someone I choose, not the men who ask me out as I find those dates go nowhere as I am usually not interested in them. I choose the guys, let them know I’m interested and then go out with them, 9 times out of 10 we hit it off in some way and I enjoy the dates much more and most have ended in short relationships. 2) knowing my boundaries and not ever letting a guy cross them, if a guy is not contacting me entusiastically by telephone and consistantly about going out or getting to know me then I don’t go out with him. 3) the whole sex thing, most men will chase you for it if they like you enough and if you make them chase by not calling them (like NEVER!), don’t be available all the time, insist on dates (not just hanging out), make them work for it, don’t be all nice to them, make them work hard for at least 3 months, they want to work this hard and want to chase. and really I don’t even believe it if they say its an LTR or an exclusive thing before they have sex with you, i’ve been dumped or cheated on after sex after having all those agreements in place … never a sure a thing. best thing to do is watch his actions, don’t put up with any crap, call him on all of it, do not persue him, and if he’s making you a part of his life, meeting friends, family etc etc the more entrenched you are in his life, the better chance you have of not getting dumped after you do the deed 🙂 you can fool around with him though, just keep control, no actual intercourse… if he walks before that, oh well. And discreetly date other guys on the side so you do get your needs met, we all have needs 🙂
A.L. says
I’m a 24 year old, single professional mother. I came across this article at just the right time. I have been seeing a man for about 3 months. At first everything was WONDERFUL. He was SOOO into me – or so it seemed. He said he wanted to be “exclusive” (only see each other) but not “official.” Within the first month, I didn’t think anything of it. Because we were just getting to know each other. After the 2 month mark, it became clear he was drifting away. I knew what it meant. I freaks out, panicked and acted extremely needy. FURTHER pushing him away.
Finally I decided I didn’t want to be used to for sex anymore. At first I thought cut him off completely. I came across this article about words vs actions. So true! Thank you, Evan!!!
So after this I realized being “used” for sex is sometimes a state of mind. I decided to use him back. We went out last Saturday, hooked up and immediately afterward, I left. He asked me to text him when I got home (I live an hour away.) … But I never did. I detached myself from the strong feelings I had and was the guy for once. And he reacted in a way he hasn’t in over a month. Texting, calling, pursuing ME. WELL… Buddy, lost his chance. But I think I’m learning about the difference between men and women. And next time, I’ll be a LOT smarter.
Jasmine says
Adam don’t tell Mary where you live, tell me 😀
jessica says
Evan makes this see SO SIMPLE. BLACK AND WHITE. Women, behave a certain way and you will always come out on top. NOT TRUE. Yes, there are absolutely behaviors that many men share. Also, that many women share. HOWEVER, human beings are NOT an exact science so we can not treat it this way. I do agree with Evan on many issues, however, I also disagree. For example, it is possible that a man’s ACTIONS can be great – and then the moment you get comfortable he freaks out…once he feels “he has you”. This happens ALL THE TIME. This is a guy who is afraid of commitment. But there is no way of knowing, because he doesnt even know! If you date a guy for a month, you hangout several times a week. Meet his friends, talk on the phone becuse he CALLS and wnats to see how you are. Then, goes on vaca, but doesnt contact you the entire time. CONFUSING RIGHT? Because he is confused, or different than you… The woman can not decipher one way or the other what this means…because we are always being told we are too sensitive or needy. It could mean he doesnt care, or it could mean his phone is off out of the country and thinks there is nothing disrespectful about it. TWO DIFFERENT MEN, TWO DIFFERENT REASONS. It is NOT an exact science – human beings never are… yes it can be VERY CLEAR one way or the other, but it can also be very gray. So do you walk away from gray (mostly good) because its not exactly right? AS women today there is so much pressure on us to either make or break the relationship. It is mostly OUR behavior while initially dating that guides the relationship…unless the guy is literally an asshole. So let us say, you date this guy a month or so. He is unbelivable attentive, sweet, but occasionally inconsiderate (or are you just over analyzing??) – you hang ou ALOT considering your schedules, he always does what he says he will, he does not pressurre you for sex.. he wants to know your last name, bday, and family names…and then… as you start to become less cautious and more comfortable he slowly becomes aloof. Is this my fault? NOOO. It is his issues. Now we have sex, 10 dates later… (and also being acquaintances for years) and h DOES NOT call you the next day. He sleeps i with you, cuddles you, and takes you to breakfast…but leaves (doesnt have plans or anywhere to be) talks about your plans for the following weekend – but doesnt call…or text… So Evan, is this a clear cut thing ? NO- the guy is confused , scared, hs his own issues taht have NOTHING TO do with howi have behaved… There was no way to forsee this or guarantee anything.
jessica says
Also depends on the two people, what you need. Personally, I need daily contact. NOT all day long morning noon and night, but every day. Some people need more or less, and they can care the same amount.
jessica says
#47 i love your attitude..BUT, the problem is… BIOLOGY. Women ar made to want a comittment. Our bodies literally have hormones that produce after sex which make us want to bond. men, on the other hand – biologically want to spread their seed. OF COURSE, men dont want to be lonely. But the more options they FEEL that they have, the LESS likely it will work out long term. In NYC, there are 5 women to 2 men (about). With the biology of men and women, is it so ODD that its the toughest city to date in? Also, the men who live in NYC are mostly all successful. Combine these factores, and why WOULD THEY want to settle down? Even the “losers” who maybe are goodlooking, there are so many deperate girls they don’t even want to settle or feel that they have to. Why in small towns,, is everyone married? Because there are NOT so many options. When you find someone you like, you HOLD ONTO IT. In NYC, they freak out even if tey do love you and arent bad guys because — they have all these options walking around in their face everyday…
jessica says
LADIES -stop saying you can have “casual” sex. Or booty calls…it is total denial. Even if you barely like a guy, the minute you get intimate you will catch feelings…end of story. You will feel badly if you know he is with other women, you will feel used if he only wants your body, and you will resent his treatment of you soon after… THERE IS NO exact rule (wait 90 days, wait 30, wait til marriage…) Wait til you feel like the guy is good enough a person to have you. But know, people can be actors (or confused) and even if you wait, and do all the right things…it STILL may not work out. But KNOW 100% if you sleep with him before you get to know one another — you will NEVER have anything. (Except for rare occcasions, I mean never say never right) But wait tooooo long, like the guy, have bad sex— whats worse than that? Right. So i am not waiting three months to fall for someone and then find out our sexual chemistry is horrible. I will also never sleep with a guy on the first few dates (I mean AT LEAST 6… 7, 8-10 best) This SHOULD occur within 4-6 weeks. 8 at the MOST… but he could flip a switch. Happens all the time. But its better to feel like it is all his fault it did not work out, than yours right?
Evelyn says
Jessica,
You can’t tell us ladies that we can’t have casual sex and that we are in denial. This may be true for you, but there are many women who can and do successfully for whatever length of time. Each person is different. I know what I’m talking about.
Fusee says
There will never be any hard core guarantee. After all, if men (and women) can disappear on their spouse after 20+ years of marriage, they an disappear after a few dates. He can change his mind, he can lose your number, hey he can even die at the wrong time…
The closest you can get from a guarantee is being so special, so interesting, so loving, and having the man like you so much, that there will pretty much be no chance that he will not want to see you again ASAP. If before you become sexually intimate, he knows how amazing you are, he desires to get to know you better, he feels great around you, and he finds himself emtionally connected to you, why – oh why – would he disappear after sharing a sexual connection, or after a few dates for that matter?
Therefore, make sure to be that special, interesting, and loving woman. Make sure he feels emotionally connected. Make sure these feelings develop QUICKLY – over the first few dates – so that sex does not need to be postponed for too long. This is YOUR responsability as a woman.
m says
@Sayanta31 – I’m not sure if you’re still following this thread, and I’m not sure either if you’re still looking or where you live, but I was at a gallery exhibition last night, the place was packed, and I left having given my info to not one but four charming single men. Gallery things have changed (especially when it’s a group show and the presenting artists are there) — you may want to try again.
judy says
Karl 28 – love it and love Evan’s honesty.
Yes, some women are capable of having sex without love it’s true. And some men are not capable of having sex without love.
Dating can be fun if it’s done with a light spirit.
He is not obliged to have a LTR (wow! I’m learning the lingo finally!) if he doesn’t want one.
If you want a LTR, then go slowly. You might lose him as well by the way, if you wait too long (it’s called,the law of universal vexation!)
I think you have to be honest with yourself. You want sex you have it if he wants it too and if you don’t want sex, you don’t.
No guarantee that if you have it, or you don’t, he’ll still be around, and you can change your mind as well, can’t you??????
MelB says
I’ve read 2, what seem to be contradicting articles. First article is about rules to dating and when to have sex and then this one about calling after sex. In the article it mentioned having sex when you have established that the guy is interested in you and not just sex. This one is about the phone call. I’m completely beside myself with understanding. In my situation, it is very apparent he was/is interested in me as a person. In fact, we talked everyday since our first date, we ended up going out again, completely non traditional style date. And neither one of us has any intention of sleeping together (non intention was very evident) but somehow we found ourselves after a couple of hours of conversation having sex. In fact, I stayed over, but for me now I’m analyzing, whether he will call and when. but like the first article that I read from this blog, if he was going to call, he will do it regardless of sex or not. If the man or woman, likes you, sex is just going to help with the whole compatibility thing, there shouldn’t be this stigma that it’s negative or positive. It should just be. Every situation is different and we are analyzing too much, especially me right now.
Bekah says
I don’t know why I had to wait until 36 to realize this, but I need to take responsibility for my happiness, for my emotions, for my stability. I actually think these things are a big part of the problem for women being disappointed by men they are dating. We expect these men to give us something that we are supposed to already have. I absolutely love Evan’s advice…….and I am positive that he is rigjt. I think women would be a lot happier if we just lived in the moment, didn’t give any part of ourselves away until we were ready to give it, and just waited to see things progress…..or not…only one man is going to be the right one. That does not make all of the other ones bad. I just need to be in control of my own pace. Thanks Evan.
hunter says
@66,
……Bravo!!…(applause)…Bravo!!…..
Babs says
Both men and women can behave like this. I have dated 3 to 4 guys at once and was not looking for a relationship, just a good time. A few guys I was with woke up the next day and thought we were in a relationship, when I was just having fun. The key to them calling you and asking you out again, is to make sure that they see you as someone who is having fun. The guys I was with wanted me to commit to them, mostly because I didn’t have any expectations from them. At least that is what I think. They all called back the next day asking when they could see me agin, even though we had sex sometimes right away, 1st or 2nd date….
Wilson says
I agree with most of your points. What ladies should know is that, NOT all guys play around. Some of us have good intensions.
What ladies should know is that, NOT all guys play around. Some of us have good intensions.
Hello says
Hello ::
I think thats not true ; everyone before being man or women we are human ; that guy who is speaking in the letter or whatever and there is a lot like that in this world I’m sorry they are not human and they do not even know what does humanity and what does gender and sex mean they are right they just do what they’re needing sex say and that mean no mind so that mean no human but please common do not force people to think that male are human and women are stupid i do not know what the hell they are forcing people to think about each gender and make a popular third world believe ; Mostly Love sex and need sex no matters women or men but we should not act like two dog who is crossing street and do sex and continue their way cause we are human thats my opinion and in my opinion that letter is true for that two boy or girl maybe but not general at all
Hello says
Your comment is awaiting moderation.
Hello ::
I think thats not true ; everyone before being man or women we are human ; that guy who is speaking in the letter or whatever and there is a lot like that in this world I’m sorry but in my opinion::
they are not human and they do not even know what does humanity and what does gender and sex mean they are right they just do what they’re needing sex say and that mean no mind so that mean no human but please common do not force people to think that male are not human and women are stupid i do not know what the hell they are forcing people to think about each gender and make a popular third world believe ; Mostly Love sex and need sex no matters women or men but we should not act like two dog who is crossing street and do sex and continue their way cause we are human thats my opinion and in my opinion that letter is true for that two boy or girl maybe but not general at all
Lady K says
Enjoyed reading this post.
I think I have the answer…I let a man know that I didn’t want a relationship with him, assuming after we’d been very sexual spoken on texts etc that he was looking for the same thing, anyway after a really good session, i said I was going home and he didn’t look happy, explained I couldn’t stay due to my dog and so on, he said YOU ARE NOT USING ME FOR SEX NO WAY. So, I think that’s the reason a lot won’t go for friends with benefits as they want you to want them more than that. But then when you want more from them they start acting all stupid and commitment phobic.
I dated a fair few men from Eharmony and the men on there are terrible, some are not over their ex’s as they talk about them a lot, others just want an analogy of how great you think they are and most of all, they are nothing like what they have made out to be.
So, tried online dating and won’t be doing it again. No point, feel my time is being wasted.
NIKKI says
Done that! Only slept with men who gave a committment. It really does not take much for some guys to committ to you and even marry you only to abandon you or break up a few days after having sex anyway. There are thousands of abandoned brides in India, for example, who have totally married their husbands when they came for vacation and then they fleed abroad a few months later and they never saw them again.
And you may say you should know a guy fir at least a year, two years, whatever number of years…guess what? Time does not matter for men either. He can just pack up his bags and suddenly vanish after 3 year relationship or 10 years of happy marriage without any reason or explanation.
hunter says
..nikki,
I agree with you, men either walk away, or they get carried out in a coffin…
JennLee says
NIKKI, if that happens a lot, then I would guess that one of two things is happening…maybe 3.
1. she is consistently dating men out of her league, but is very giving in nature, so the guy sticks around for a while. Nothing wrong with being giving, and in fact it is a must in a good relationship, but when it is done for a guy that is out of your league, it is likely to be wasted effort.
2. she is not very giving, but very beautiful, and so after the new car smell wears off, the guy takes off for greener pastures. If she is not giving, there is nothing to keep him around for long.
3. she consistently chooses men of low character. Men who are not likely to stay with a woman for long. She wants to believe she is the one who will tame him. She has a better chance of winning the lottery.
Karmic Equation says
I agree, Jenn. Nice summary.
The points that may be missed by some women, who will claim that you’re “blaming women” is that all 3 are WITHIN HER CONTROL.
So yeah, she has to take the fall.
1) If she doesn’t know her league, she will perpetually suffer from this lack of self-awareness or from her self-denial…and not only in her dating life.
2) If she’s not a giving person and relies on her beauty to get what she wants out of life, she is in for a rude awakening when her beauty fades. So no pity for the pretty who are not nice people. They deserve their fates.
3) Because a man’s low character can usually be distinguished within 1 week to 6 months. If she doesn’t dump him when she has seen a pattern of behaviors that indicate he lacks good character, she has to own it.
Kathy says
I can’t not stand all these stipulations around dating and sex. I don’t ever hear about how a man should think like a lady and act like a man. I’m so tired of all the theory’s on how we should accommodate a man and act a certain way in order to get one. Personally I just act like myself and that’s the way it should be. Your dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t. Men will call regardless of this stupid game we play if he is interested in you. I will not accommodate a guy because all the men I ran into thus far with plenty of experience in dating and sex it all leads to that one thing…there egos. Men take things the wrong way always thinking we are desperate women trying to trap them in a relationship. I have better things to do with my time than to think like a man. I’m a woman and I’m proud of it do not I will not accommodate their egos. If you want to have sex have sex, if you want to enjoy their company enjoy it but please for the love of god stop analyzing every situation….it makes my eyes twitch
KT says
I am a woman and look for sex first mostly because it’s easier. As far as an LTR goes, if a guy wants to have sex straightaway (i.e. first night) I go there but never consider him for an LTR. His value diminishes v quickly… I haven’t met any other woman that thinks like me.
Tendai says
I think like that but if I say it out loud I’m called a slut and judged so ,ugh I just have to go to Anne summers until I get a boyfriend
Jessica says
I am completely naïve everytime when it comes to dating. Never fails, and I really wouldn’t want to change that about myself. However, I have found the best way to avoid heartbreak is to date (not sleep with) 2-3 guys at once, give them space when they need it and for Pete’s sake, if you haven’t had “the talk” about commitment than you should be out looking for somebody else. He’s not committed, your not committed!! Good luck!
Karmic Equation says
You got that almost completely right…
And when you DO get the guy, give him space when he wants it EVEN THOUGH you’re in a committed relationship.
Help him preserve HIS individuality and work on maintaining your own individuality. That keeps the sparks flying in the relationship and the relationship one he wants to stay in. A man should NEVER feel that he has “lost his freedom” when he’s in a relationship with you. He should feel that he’s gained a best friend that he can now go and do things with that he used to have to do alone. You should ADD VALUE to HIS life, not SUBTRACT freedom from his.
And just to be clear, I’m not advocating “open relationships”. I’ve never had one of those and most likely never will. But in all my relationships, letting him do his thing, and trusting that he will never hurt me, has inspired those men in my life to do just that. Helping to preserve that “hero aura” we women all want to see in our men. Help him be your hero and he’s not going to go anywhere anytime soon.
hunter says
Karmic,
…..you say give him space?….be careful, you may get excommunicated for saying that…!!
bigdickrick says
Here’s a thought: a woman can call a man after sex.
hunter says
…….men have to do the chasing…..
bigdickrick says
Why. women want equal jobs and voting rights.
Tendai says
It only applies if the guy is super open minded and likes a woman in charge someone to dominate him and drive the relationship, I’ve only met two guys that would wait for me to ring and they where nice as pie but really desperate
hunter says
tendai,
..just wondering why you didn’t keep these men that would wait for you to ring, and were nice as pie….
hunter says
..women do want equal jobs and voting rights….men still do the chasing….a dating coach can answer that better than I can….
Nai says
Personally I’ll call or drop a quick text, saying I enjoyed myself. However, if his or her (yes ,I’m Bi) reply is short or lack luster… I give them their space and put the ball in their court. It’s either they do or either they don’t. I’ve had a few call or text weeks later saying hi, but I’m petty 😂😂 and will either ignore them or text back “who is this”… Due to the fact that I refuse to keep anyone’s number if they can’t think of me enough to check in and at least say hi.
And ladies, please stop thinking that ” WYD” texts means he’s thinking of you!!! He’s just trying to hit it again!!!! Trust it will lead to something about sex lol!
Dan says
“…and sometimes get a little action. And yes, I was always in pursuit of a long-term relationship. I just didn’t want to deprive myself entirely of sexual activity until I fell in love.”
There is no self respecting woman who should listen to this advice. A man plays like he practices, and this man, EMK, has clearly demonstrated that he is committed to feelings, rather than people. If you practice using women for their bodies, you will never, ever know the depths of a woman in friendship…and friendship is what makes for lasting success in marriage.
I can’t imagine honest women settling for the whimpering offerings of inferior men…unless they think that what is mentioned in this article is as good as it gets. It gets better if you believe better. If you believe that you deserve a friend who will do anything to know you, rather than anything to take your pants off, you will find such a man.
The limitless splendor of your mind and heart are worth so much more than a fleeting feeling. But, if you settle for those feelings, you will preclude any chance of a man getting to know the real you that lives on after you (and your vagina) die.
You are worth getting to know. You are worth the sacrifice of temporary pleasure, because you are a woman, the bearer of life. You are worth defending and protecting, not using and abusing like a common drug. It doesn’t feel good to be tossed away after a man’s body says, ” I am completely committed and unified with you”. Stop putting yourself in that awful, awful position.
You deserve lasting success and fulfillment within your relationships, and you will only get what you deserve when you plan for it. If you want commitment and enduring friendship, practice that on yourself and with the men in your life. Don’t accept inferior offerings that would prevent a man focusing on what he has to offer you in a lasting relationship. Honey, you won’t find men who last in the sack.
Everyone has sex to offer, and if lasting marriages were built on it, everyone would be happy and together. Since that is clearly not the case, let a man get creative in displaying his desire for you. If he hasn’t shown you all that he is made of, and if he hasn’t proven that he can learn and grow with you for a lifetime, he does not deserve your most intimate knowledge.
Sex is the culmination of our creative desire because that is where new human life comes from. Think of Einstein, Tesla, or anyone who has had a profound impact on humanity… This is the power of your creative capacity. Unless a man has displayed his creativity in ways that reveal his character and his ability to love you completely for a lifetime, the act of sex will be a lie.
Sex says, “I want our love to grow”. Making babies is growing love, so if you have no earthly desire for that love to grow and to continue, find another way to express yourself. The world needs more creativity, more respect, more mindfulness, more real men, and more women who believe that they are worth the wait.
The world doesn’t need more children who are mistrusting of love and who grow up in broken homes. The world doesn’t need more women who fear and scorn their ability to create new life. The world doesn’t need more men who practice using women for their bodies.
Is it any coincidence that men and women historically cannot remain friends after sex? For humans, sex creates a powerful powerful bond that says, “we are together, we are unified.” Chemically speaking, that is what your brain experiences after making love. This is a good thing, in the context of real love in marriage, because it helps a man and woman remain bonded through their trials. Like raising children, overcoming tragedy and loss, and persevering through myriad difficulties. I’m telling you, when we plan for it, sex is beyond amazing!
If you would not claim all of a man, to include his values, his behaviors, his actions and beliefs, then do not lay claim to all of his body. If you do, you will be tricked into feeling that you are in love. “A man finds love through sex”– I’ll just be over in the corner, vomiting. Forgive the loose paraphrase, I have neither time nor mind to revisit that garbage.
If a relationship is not lasting, fruitful, enduring and healing, it cannot be love because love is all of those things. Love does not say, ” I am kinda bored with you, and I know I said all those things, but this just isn’t happening.” That quote comes from cowardice. That quote leads to kids who have no faith in lasting love, which is a crime. True love actually says, “I am renewed in each moment with you, and I cannot wait for our next adventure together.”
If you can’t get a man excited about the adventure of knowing you completely, of growing with you spiritually, mentally and emotionally, and preparing himself to accommodate the gift of God that is you for a lifetime, he has no business in your body. If you can’t get a man excited about the limitless adventure in your heart and soul, he is a boor and has nothing of value to offer.
A real man will protect your virtue and cherish your divinity. A real man will extend himself and learn all there is to know about himself before he even meets you; this way, he can give himself fully to you. This real man will not have found himself in other women’s vaginas. Would you argue? Would you want all of those other women’s insecurities, inferiority, jealousy and neediness? That is exactly what you receive if you accept the puny and emasculated offering of what inferior men will provide.
We are not just physical beings, but are energy condensed. Our thoughts and beliefs are intrinsic with our physical form, even though you cannot see them. Because of this, we do not just exchange bodily fluids in coitus, but we swap our thought forms. If a man and a woman are having sex because they are seeking fulfillment outside of themselves, what sort of thought forms do you think they will exchange. Do you want any part of that? If not, change your standards. Change your expectations. Take some time away from the bullshit game of drug abuse via humans, and allow yourself some space to heal. Prepare yourself for the lasting love that you desire and deserve; don’t wast another day.
I know this is a lot to take in, but at least consider the idea that you are worth more than what has been labeled as standard. It may seem a little radical even, but when you think about what has become standard…we could use a radical shift in the way that we live. If you want to settle for the brokenness, the divorce, the dejected and forgotten children, and the tiny men… That is your choice. Just know that there is a better way.
Peace, love and babies- Dan
Evan Marc Katz says
Holy crap, what a long-winded, self-righteous narcissistic piece of drivel.
Get off your high horse and go start your own blog, catered to the fictional universe where men only have sex when they’re in love.
Dan says
I believe you need to refresh yourself on the definitions of the words you attempted to attack my character with.
I do have a blog, and I posted this commentary on it. I also will post your derisive response, along with the fact that you sensor dissenting opinions on FB. For someone who coaches women to success in relationships, your response to wholesome, time-tested relationship advice is perplexing.
My message ” Women, you are worth more than what is being offered to you”. Your response- ” What a self righteous and narcissistic piece of drivel.” Hmmmm…
Wishing you the best,
Daniel Dowling
Karmic Equation says
Written like a man who can only get sex with commitment.
Men who deride other men for their ability to get sex without commitment have issues of their own. That jealousy, couched in self-righteous indignation on behalf of women is just a front.
Ugly men want women to only have sex within committed relationships because that is the ONLY way ugly men can get sex.
Take a look in the mirror, dude. If you looked like Bradley Cooper or Channing Tatum, you’d laugh yourself silly at what you just wrote.
All derisiveness aside, it’s unfortunate, but it’s a fact, good looking men with chiseled features to go along with their chiseled abs, can get just about any woman to forget about her moral high ground. Just as it is a fact that hot women can be batshit crazy and get relationships from good looking and/or rich men without trying.
It is what it is. Get thee to a plastic surgeon or to the gym and you won’t have to be so obsequious to have a chance at sex with attractive women.
Evan Marc Katz says
Dan, you can do whatever you want with your wholesome, time-tested relationship advice. We’re clearly talking to two different populations here. In other words, you have every right to your opinion. You have every right to remain chaste. You have every right to do whatever you want on your blog and counsel women as you see fit. But I don’t know of any reason that you should have the right to insult me on MY blog and MY Facebook fan page. I don’t come to your workplace and put a post it note on your desk that says that you suck at your job. That’s exactly what you did to me. So I have no compunction about cutting you off. The internet is big enough for the both of us. Let’s make sure our paths never cross again.
Buck25 says
“…wholesome, time tested relationship advice…”
Daniel,
Is that what you suppose the pompous, self-serving, judgmental, pandering lot of bloviating you just posted is? In what universe? Certainly not the one most of us inhabit!
Going to tell on us in your little blog? Listen buddy, I don’t care if you have a million readers; what you just posted here, (along with your not-so-veiled threat directed at our host) reveals you to be just another bag of hot air, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing…and a bit of a crybaby to boot! You calling anyone else a “coward”? What a joke, coming from one who gets his self-esteem from his internet fan club!
I think KE sized you up perfectly, Dan; just another pathetic, obsequious Beta male, pandering to women’s commitment fantasies in (I suspect), a mostly futile attempt to actually get laid (something I doubt you could do on a slow night in a Bangkok cathouse, without a fat wallet in your pocket). Then you respond to Evan like an internet bully? A little thin-skinned, and insecure as well, perhaps?
Incidentally Dan, I’ve enjoyed sex with a lot of women in my lifetime, both inside and outside of committed relationships, and I have to tell you, ALL of it was pretty damn good! Then again, that’s true of most real men in the real universe, where commitment (or the promise of it) is something we offer up when we want to, not the only way to get the key to the nookie. Interesting that you come to a primarily female-oriented blog, to lecture your fellow men on “proper male behavior”. What’s the matter, little boy? Still looking for mommy’s approval?
Go post THAT on your blog! Maybe some of your female fans will dry your butt-hurt eyes and even wipe your snotty nose for you as well, you blubbering, condescending prick!! And don’t go away mad, just…GO!
Buck
Laura Noelle says
Dear Mr. Katz,
I know many masculine, handsome, desirable men who have attained the self mastery needed to resist transient pleasure for long term fulfillment. Although this nobility in men is not portrayed in mainstream media, it exists nevertheless.
Statistics show the best way to guarantee a call after sex is by having already made a total gift of self in marriage.
Any sex outside of marriage epitomizes the greatest fears held by men and women. A woman’s greatest fear is that she is neither desirable nor worthy of authentic love, and thus will settle for less than what she deserves. A man fears his ability to make a commitment, and thus emasculates himself by letting fear control him. Extra-marital sex is when fears collide. It is not an act of love, but of cowardice. Cowardice doesn’t cease to become cowardice because it is commonplace.
Marriages in which the couples were pure while dating are statistically proven to have better sex lives, and a significantly greater chance of lasting, happy marriages.
If it is love that we all desire, let us not settle for less. Men are entirely capable of making this sacrifice. Women are worthy to make this sacrifice for.
Clara says
I’ve read this thread with so much attention and just want to say this: there’s only one right man for you, or only one right woman for you, but you won’t find them until you’re ready.
Many of these dates, friends with benefits, guys that never call again after a first date or after sex, etc, they appear in your life not at random, but because they’re showing you lessons you need to learn about YOURSELF!
So stop analysing why they do what they do or they are how they are, and start looking at yourself. You need to love yourself first before you find the right person. And whist you don’t do this, the universe will keep bringing you the same type of guys/gals over and over again. Their name and face change, but they’re the same story all over again.
So stop and listen to what is happening. Why are you attracting guys that never call after sex and/or are emotionally unavailable? Are you emotionally available for a relationship??? Maybe you think you are and you are not, that’s why you keep attracting these guys. Law of Attraction, anyone!?
So stop blaming these guys/gals and have a deep look into yourself. Do the inner work you need to do, keep dating and see people you meet as mirrors of yourself and see the lessons as lessons.
When you love yourself and are ready for a relationship, the right guy/gal will come into your life. And then things will happen naturally, with no drama, no “commitment talk”, no “waiting for him to call but he didn’t”, etc. It will just flow.
Fortyfitandfine says
It’s been my experience, that the world is revolving and many dating traditions are being lost in it. I was divorced and didn’t start dating until about 2 years afterwards. Never haven been single since being a teen, i had absolutely no idea how to date. What I have learned is that ppl put a huge amount of EVERYTHING INTO SEX….This is for the women, STOP IT, JUST BECAUSE YOU GAVE HIM SOME KATT DOESN’T MEAN YOU GAVE HIM EVERYTHING. YOU’RE MORE THAN YOUR TWAT. I don’t put much into the act of sex, it’s beautiful and with the right person, it can be magnetic. But think about it, the average sex session last about 30 to 45 mins, an orgasms last for less than a min. I take more time preparing dinner…If women can get to a place of POWER, there would be way less emotional turmoil. Sex is an act, managing a relationship is where your true power lies, the katt is only going to hold a man’s attention for so long, they have absolutely no ties to it at all, they can go have sex with anyone and soothe that craving, so stop looking at it like it’s the end all. You should be in it for the big O, not for marriage. If you change your mentality, you’d be amazed.
The first time I had sex with a guy After my divorce, I waited, did the whole courtship thing, and he waited me out. I was sure we were in a relationship, and he was into me….They’ll wait a year for what they want, but if it’s all they want, after its over, then it’s over. We had sex, phone calls stop coming, text stopped, he basically stepped off….lol…..but needles to say, I never called him afterwards. I waited to see where his intentions were,he didn’t call for a month, then out of the blue, he calls and says I haven’t heard from you. ….blank stare……lol….we never got together again after I told him I wasn’t interested in him. He asked if he pleased me, I lied, told him no. Lol…and even today I can’t get him to go away….i think that’s an ego thing….initially it hurt me but I learned something very valuable, you do have to fall back if you’re looking to be chosen, you have to let him choose you….there’s nothing you can do. But when it comes to Sex, you have to disconnect that from you trail to be married….it should really be just for the big O, and it can be done. I’m not saying let loose and give every man your treasure, but if you want an Orgasm get one expecting nothing in return, if you’re not capable, the get some toys and don’t have sex until you get the ring. BTW, the moron said I was the best he ever had, and it took him a while to realize what a great woman I was….BLAH BLAH BLAH….fool me once! My guess is, he was just looking for another round.
In a relationship I know I bring alot to the table, spiritually, emotionally, and physically, so if a man comes just for the sex, it’s his lost not mine, because I’m way more than Ms. Kitty…..she’s an extra bonus. If you know who you are and where your true power comes from, no man will be able to take that away, so tap into that ladies. I’m now in a committed relationship with a man that absolutely adores me and when we first has sex, i was truly just looking to get laid…call it luck, or whatever, but he could have left and never called and I would have been just fine. At then end of the day, it’s all a gamble, you have to decide how much you’re willing to lose.
Alex says
I also wouldn’t sleep with a girl unless I liked her. As in wanted a relationship with her. (hence being 28 and only having slept with 2 people)
I also won’t believe next date is coming until I hear by text/call as people will tell you what you want to hear in person.
At this present point I am waiting for that text/call that post late night encounter we are still good.
Everything points to another date… But I don’t believe it until it happens..
However I know I’m not the typical guy myself!
Happy hard man says
How To Guarantee A Guy Calls You After Sex
Another carefully worded question designed to maybe not get the right answer she is afraid of.
The real words in this question when she wrote this in her mind is “What kinds of sex acts should I do to guarantee he will call me after”
hunter says
..happyhardman,,
…a man might call after sex, if she shows enthusiasm in bed/touches her partner/side to side movement, etc….
Tendai says
It’s true how dirty the sex was will get him to call you back men are shallow like that sex is everything . You may as well be a awful person but if the sex is awesome he will call you back
Patrick says
Yet another question from a female when the answer is so simple and not what they want to hear and usually never accept as true.
Men are ALL about GREAT sex and not “making love” all the time. When a woman sleeps with a man for the first time she better rock his world get down and dirty and slut out. Get him hooked on you like candy to a baby. After you got him hooked them you can move into the making love area. Men do like to make love, sexually satisfing women and not just bang like a jack hammer with advanced sex acts and toys in the mix. BUT he want to know you will go the extra mile to sexually satisfy him and not put he own needs at the head of the line. Problem is women can only “rock his world” with lots of sexual experience slash practice. A.K.A slutting out.
If anyone asked here on whatever this is called “men could you fall in love with a slut and would you marry a slut” with an explanation of the difference of a slut vs. a whore (prostitute) and the men answered honestly women would be shocked and lash out with denying responses.
hunter says
Patrick,
..I agree with you, however, the truth is, more than 60% of women are unaware of bedroom techniques……..what is a man to do?…
Patrick says
There is always a another slut… Good thing the whatever percentage of good sluts are so slutty.. What’s a girl to do?
hunter says
…not sure I understand your response….
Buck25 says
“…what is man to do…”
Hunter,
Educate them if we can, while making sure our own skills aren’t lacking, so we’re giving at least as good as we’re getting, whatever the woman’s level of bedroom expertise. Of course, there’s no educating the ones who aren’t willing to learn, but a good many are, if we’re giving them what they need…
hunter says
buck25….finding the ones that can be educated is the difficult part….”if we’re giving them what they need?”…how so?…
Buck25 says
“How so?”
Hunter,
Assuming our technique is good, and we are patient, especially with regards to foreplay, we can usually get a woman to respond well, even if she’s not terribly knowledgeable (even about her own body). Once we get her doing that, so she’s really enjoying sex, ( you’d be amazed how many never really have before), then it’s easier to get her to communicate more openly. Once she does that, she’s usually more receptive to being taught things that enhance the experience further, for her, and for us. I hate to have to say this, but I’ve run across women who had multiple guys not really care whether the experience was good for the woman at all. Obviously that doesn’t exactly inspire a lot of confidence in the idea that a man might actually want sex to be a great experience for her. The good news is, that once she sees we actually do, and knows we aren’t judging her, she’ll often open up, verbally and physically. Doesn’t always work, but I’ve had several who went from almost clueless to really good lover in a short period of time, with a little encouragement. Bear in mind, some of these women have been told by former “lovers” that they were cold, “frigid”, etc. I remember one, who when we got to the point of getting intimate, flat told me she didn’t think she was “any good at this”; seems she had an ex-husband and two subsequent boyfriends who told her she was “a frigid bitch” because she never had orgasms. As it turned out, she was one of the most responsive women I’ve ever had, and turned out to be frequently multi-orgasmic! She didn’t know very much in the beginning, but there was nothing wrong with her; the truth was, that these three idiots hadn’t cared enough to help her get there (apparently, none of them understood the importance of foreplay, among other things).
I won’t say there aren’t women out there who are unresponsive, have a lot of difficulty coming to orgasm, etc., under the best of circumstances; there are. That said, a truly “frigid” (as in anorgasmic) woman is comparatively rare. ( The woman who says she’s not sure if she’s ever had an orgasm…hasn’t. Doesn’t mean she can’t, though.) Honestly, we’re more likely to find the woman someone (or several someones) mishandled before us, and find ourselves having to repair what someone else messed up.
shauna says
Would if u both agreed to a mutual friends with benefits because u both aren’t looking for anything to serious but u both are very attracted to one another. If there any hopes that it can last?
Karmic Equation says
In other words, you changed your mind and now want it to be “serious”?
You have to let him know you changed your mind and ask him how he feels.
If he also changed his mind and asks you IMMEDIATELY for exclusivity as soon as you tell him that, then you’re golden.
However, if says anything along the lines of “That’s nice, let’s see how it goes.”
Then you need to end the FWB, because that’s code for “No, but I don’t want to say no, because I still want to have sex with you until I don’t want to anymore.”
shauna says
well its great right now with nothing serious for the both of us. Is there any hope later in the future that we can still be something more? I haven’t changed my mind yet I think hes a great guy but not looking for anything serious right now because of where were at right now in our lives but I would like to know that maybe one day id could lead to more
hunter says
some women do this, because they think they can handle it….
Jessica says
It’s true. And it’s a hard lesson. Be sure you, as a woman, have a commitment with a guy before you have sex. (if you want to ever stand a chance at seeing him again) Otherwise, you’re just play. Forever.
Fran says
Sexual chemistry is the glue that keeps a relationship together during the tough times. Men want to know if the two of you are compatible in bed. Men can be turned off a woman by the SMELL of her, however much she scrubs herself beforehand.
Sleeping with you is really to see if you have a powerful sexual connection. Ladies, get over yourselves already and how are you so emotionally invested with a man anyway when you barely know him??? Enjoy the sex (would you want to be with a man who’s terrible in bed anyway??? Only one way to find out how he is in the sack: by sleeping with him!) and the rest will follow or not.
Men are freaked out generally because women are such control freaks. DON’T TRY TO CONTROL THE MAN IN YOUR LIFE who you barely know anyway! Enjoy dating and making love and CHILL OUT already!
Jane doe says
I’ve seen where men say they are in a committed relationship only to find out the have a lady in every port or even in the same town ! It’s all a gamble and you have to learn to trust your instincts and listen to them cs ifnoring thrm
if he’s being a flake then there is your answer. Speak and most men will tell you the truth
Oluyemi says
So sorry for the victims.
To ensure you never experience disappointment in a relationship is to ensure you never involve in it. Be it sex, made out, and the like.
The best is to wait for sex after marriage couple with the fear of God because you are born again. Let him know. If he can not wait do not compromise. There are those guys out there who will value you and support you couple with fear of God in their out.
Rules can break.
Let God guide you.
nombulelo says
Hi.
I’ve been making a foolish choice. I’ve for years allowed myself to be nothing but a one night stand for my first boyfriend. After sleeping with me…He never calls nor picks up my calls. For 3 years the pattern has been the same…
Enida says
But what if he argued about nonsenses instead if just have ONS? We’ve known for 2 years, we’ve been together once, but only a date. After that I didn’t wanted sex, he continued to write me, but rarely and not about ONS. This time he asked me for ONS and I said yes. I didn’t think that I can like him more than the first time, but anyway, that was ONS. But we started to fight for everything and he continued to call me, he even came to my home to wait me and see will I really come back with my family from holiday or I’ve been somewhere else. But he offered me a threesome because I made a scandal that I want longer sex or he shouldn’t call me.
It was very tense, he writed me all the time and called me every day for sex, but I went only three times. I deleted him from Facebook and blocked on messenger, but now I don’t know did I did the right thing? Maybe he was only hurted from my words and jealous because of his roomate who I liked 2 years ago. Maybe he wanted to be with me…
Ktia says
Men look for sex and find love.
Women look for love and find sex.
seriously……i thought we were way past this.
there are people who do not have sex until they are married.
chew on that one.
stop the male bashing…..i have many guys/men say to me they have to have feelings for a girl before they have sex with her. then there are the women who are emotionally unavailable during sex. stop the generalizing. men and women are really very much alike.
Natalia Kennedy says
This is appalling. I am horrified that someone went out of their way to put this garbage on the internet to try and “help people.” MEN HAVE BRAINS. MEN ARE NOT JUST PENISES. MEN HAVE THE ABILITY TO BE GOOD PEOPLE AND NOT MANIPULATE. I beg that you DO NOT try and stick up for assholes by saying that they think with their penises. I ask that you gain respect for BOTH men and women and instead of being sexist by saying “Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex,” you start telling women that they are free to do whatever they choose, as are men, and if a man leads you to believe he is interested in you but doesn’t call, he isn’t worth wasting your phone minutes over anyway. Or many you could stop giving advice altogether considering you obviously have no idea what you’re talking about.
Evan Marc Katz says