Are you an independent woman with a rich, full single life? Are you generally busy with your work, family, friends, hobbies, and travel? Does your vision of couple-hood look a lot like your life now – just with a man dropped in it? If that’s the case, we’ve gotta talk. If you’re going to partner with a man who is your equal, you’ve gotta make space for him – just like you want him to do for you.
Are you an independent woman with a rich, full, single life? Are you generally busy with your work, your friends, your family, your hobbies and your travel? Does your vision of couplehood look a lot like your life now? Just with a man dropped in it, if that’s the case, We’ve got to talk.
Hi, I’m Evan Marc Katz, Dating Coach for Smart, Strong, Successful Women, and your Personal Trainer for Love. Welcome to the Love U Podcast. Stick around to the end to discover how to make smart compromises in love so you could actually be happy. When we’re done I’ll let you know how you can apply to Love U to create a passionate relationship that makes you feel safe, heard, and understood.
We’re going to begin today with a story. It’s always a story. Real people who’ve turned to me for love and have blind spots. In this case, the client’s name is Cindy. Cindy’s in her early 50s. She turned to me for Loving Masters coaching, which is private coaching. Her issue was that in her marriage for 20 years, she was kind of a doormat, even though she is an independent source.
That’s the interesting thing, is that I deal with women who are smart, strong, successful, have all the competence in the world, but within the context of their relationship, they don’t carry themselves with confidence.
So now that she’s divorced and she’s out there rebuilding her life from scratch, she’s discovered what makes her happy. And she’s really high on being single. And I hope that resonates with you. I want you to have an amazing time being single before your partner.
So the issue is that Cindy didn’t want to compromise in her future relationships because she compromised so much in her prior relationship in her marriage. She’s basically come to the conclusion that all marriage is going to be like the one she had before, which isn’t true. But in her experience, when you have a husband, he bosses you around, his parents boss you around, they meddle in your business and suddenly you’ve got no say in your own life. So she does what most people do. She goes to the opposite end of the spectrum. She says, in my next marriage if I ever get married again, I’m not going to compromise. And I compromise like 90% of the time before. So now I’m going to compromise like 0% of the time. So what Cindy’s establishing is that she wants, when she gets married, her life to look exactly like the life she has when she’s single. She wants to be able to come and go as she pleases, someone who can go to the movies with her and snuggle, which basically leaves her alone.
That’s not real intimacy.
By the way, this is exactly what men do. If you’ve ever been the woman who’s been with a guy like that. He wants his life. He’s got his work. He’s got the stuff going on. He calls you when he needs you. But mostly out of sight, out of mind. That’s a long-distance girlfriend. That’s not real intimacy. If he doesn’t let you in. He only calls you when he needs you.
So my client’s justifying doing the exact same thing, keeping a guy at arm’s length. All right. I want to go to the movies with me. I want someone to travel with me. I want them to pay for my dinner and sleep with me and pretty much just stay out of my way otherwise. And that’s fine. The problem is just not gonna end up with a successful relationship with that philosophy because she’s reducing a man to a dog, maybe treat him like a throw pillow. He is there for convenience, some looks. But otherwise, he doesn’t take up much space in her life. So I can empathize with her and why she comes to this conclusion. But what we do here, let’s reverse it.
Imagine the guy said the same thing as always. I’m going to pretend to be the guy who was my life until I was 35 and worked for like eleven hours from 9 in the morning to 8 at night as a small-time entrepreneur. That’s what I would do. Just put my head down to work and work and work and work, maybe get out of work, make myself a quick TV dinner, throw something in my mouth, before I put a total of zero seconds thinking about it, maybe go out, hang out with guy friends, grab a drink, go home, obsess about fantasy football and leave the weekends open for hanging out with my friends and watching sports. That was my life.
So what my life looks like now, in five minutes, I am going to my wife’s best friend’s backyard for social distancing to watch our kids play in the pool. That’s my life right now. And so it’s a lot more yes, dear than my way or the highway because my goal is to be a good husband and father. Not just do things my way. So if you’ve ever been the doormat in a relationship and you’ve never had a boyfriend meet your emotional needs, “compromise” might be a scary word.
But I got to caution you, you don’t want to overcorrect to the point that you think it’s normal or healthy to keep the exact same life as a couple that you have when you were single before you met your boyfriend. Because if you don’t make time for him as an individual and you think your life is going to look just like your single life right now, pick up and go to Bali on a dime with your girlfriends or take a yoga retreat. And you’re allowed to do all these things, no one is trying to restrict you. It’s just it is team decision-making. And if you don’t make it to a part of the relationship and his needs matter as much as yours, you’re going to end up in two places you don’t want to be.
Number one, you’re going to be with a guy who has no opinions and no balls and no boundaries and no life. That’s your human throw pillow. And you could do whatever you want with him whenever you want because he’s going to let you get away with that. He doesn’t care.
And if you end up with another guy who has balls, opinions and a life, you’re going to end up alone. Because any man worth his salt deserves to have a partner who wants him to be happy and is willing to build the life together, not just a life based on one person’s needs.
In other words, don’t become the man that you don’t want to date. Be a team player, be a partner, and recognize that good compromise is one where both people win. That point on the Venn diagram where your needs are met and his meet needs are met. That’s the only way to have a successful relationship.
I’m Evan Marc Katz, a Dating Coach for smart, strong, successful women and your personal trainer for love.
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Thank you so much.
I’ll talk to you soon.